534: Mole on left butt-cheek = Heresy!

666 horrible and likely chaos-based agonies designed to toughen up and screen recruits in the last stages.

Ritual 259: Perform routine maintenance on a dreadnought. With your tongue.

Ritual # 153: Frottage.

Ritual # 266: Chocolate-fondue a Sister Repentia while both the recruit and the Sister are fully denuded. The recruit must show enough self-restraint to go through the ritual without the slightest hint of arousal.

>>2637180

That is as plausible as it is awesome.

Ritual #1: Do not wish to be the little girl.

Ritual #517:

Allow yourself to become possessed by a Slaaneshi Greater Daemon, exorcise yourself, and then kick the coke and buttsecks habit you developed while possessed.

>>2637180

>The recruit must be gay

Fix'd.

Ritual # 424: Say 'cipher cindered cyborgs' circuits and sidle with Ciaphas' sideburns' fifty times in a row, without a hitch and REALLY fast.

Ritual #162: Beat a fellow Grey Knight at the WH40K PC Game.

>>2637190
NIGHTMARE MODE

Ritual # 124: The recruit must spend one standard week in an empty sealed cell no larger than eight by eight meters together with an Ork Mad Dok and an Imperial tax attourney. None of the subjects may carry any personal possessions into the call, and all must be induced into a state of inebriation throughout the whole trial. If all subjects are alive at the end of the timed week, the recruit passes the trial.

ritual #225: You must listen to the entire extended version of the song "the safety dance" by men without hats,without flinching.

Ritual #236: Eat five hundred bowls of an unnamed meat and then jog 50 miles. At the end of the course, if you have not yet puked, then you will be forced to look at the most debased, disgusting things in the galaxy, many of which are Papa Nurgle's design.

If you manage to get through without vomiting or passing out, you pass.

Ritual # 267: The recruit must next chocolate-fondue a Howling Banshee. The Banshee is provided weapons and armor, while the recruit is provided none. The recruit may not kill the banshee to easen the procedure, and may not show any signs of aggravation during it.

>>2637215
ECCLESIARCHAL ANTI-HERETICAL FAITH-FUELED EXTERMINATION / PURGATION MACHINE
ECCLESIARCHAL ANTI-HERETICAL FAITH-FUELED EXTERMINATION / PURGATION MACHINE
ECCLESIARCHAL ANTI-HERETICAL FAITH-FUELED EXTERMINATION / PURGATION MACHINE

HI, I'M INQUISITOR HARRINGTON OF INQUISITOR HARRINGTON'S ECCLESIARCHAL ANTI-HERETICAL FAITH-FUELED EXTERMINATION / PURGATION MACHINE EMPORIUM AND CHAPEL! DUE TO A GARBLED ASTROPATH TRANSMISSION, I'M CURRENTLY OVERSTOCKED WITH ECCLESIARCHAL ANTI-HERETICAL FAITH-FUELED EXTERMINATION / PURGATION MACHINES AND I'M PASSING THE SAVINGS ONTO YOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!

>>2637295
Howling Banshee + chocolate fondue = FAPFAPFAP

>>2637295
Can you just provide all of the weapons and none of the armor?

>>2637295
can he be aroused though?

>>2637313
>>2637310
>>2637302
Bansheemind

Ritual # 520: The recruit must perform a full colonoscopy and deliver a diagnosis on an enraged and unprepared Commissar. Once again, test performance will be judged by present Grey Knight members, and the recruit's self-control is taken into account.

>>2637272
Can you sing along?

>>2637313
Yes. Previously, non-arousal was a requirement, but it was later deemed that considering the stresses of the former exercise, which were judged extreme even considering the subjects, this was changed.

Ritual # 311: The recruit is placed in a room with a loosely restrained Eversor assassin, whereupon a staring contest begins. If the recruit manages to out-stare the Eversor, alternatively lasts longer than twelve hours, he passes.

Ritual 487: Length: 3 Days.

The neophyte is removed of all his clothing and weaponry and is slathered in aphrodisiac oils. The neophyte is subsequently lowered into a pit filled with daemonettes.

The neophyte will fail this ritual if he succumbs to his urges or perishes before the 3 days is over.

>>2637338
lips flinching.

>>2637338
You can hum.

>>2637326
Is the Commissar restrained or unrestrained? Is he/she armed or unarmed?

>>2637384
pit of daemonettes maintenance guy would be the best job ever.

>>2637399
No maintenance is done on the pit.

The Grand Master needs the daemonettes starving for it, so as to make their assault on the neophyte all the more heretical.

Ritual # 601: The recruit is dropped from a Thunderhawk at twelve thousand feet. He is given two two-by-four meters pieces of cardboard, a lampshade, a six meter roll of nylon thread and a needle, an album of Led Zeppelin and a stuffed snowy owl. If he survives the fall, he passes.

>>2637410
but if no one cleaned it then they would be able to smell it for miles and the shit covered daemonettes would be less attractive.

Ritual 42: Recruit must field strip and service a Bolter.
Without using their hands, feet, or head.

>>2637389

Unrestrained, armed with a plasma pistol and a suicide bomber's vest w/ dead-man switch.

>>2637326
D:
Space Marine finger HOOJ!

Ritual #471: Kill a pskyer. With your bare hands.

>>2637420
I find myself curious, how did anyone pass?

>>2637420
I'd use my elbows
>>2637417
Speak for yourself
>>2637425
Does the commissar have to come out of it unharmed?

Ritual # 159: The recruit in question much watch 72 hours of tau stand up comedy on end without falling asleep.

>>2637434
All Grey Knights are Psykers, field-stripping a Bolter with your mind shouldn't even be part of the 666 rituals. More like something he does first thing in the morning before he's had his coffee.

>>2637437
Yes.
HARD MODE: Even his colon is unharmed.

>>2637434
Psyker powers. Every Grey Knight must have them.

>>2637434
They still have their penises at this point.

>>2637430
Ritual #472: Kill a Chaos Bear, WITH YOUR MIND.

>>2637451
Ah, but isn't that using your head?

>>2637459

Mind =/= Head.

Using your head would be like trying to clean the barrel by headbutting it.

>>2637437
I doubt all grey knights have a scat fetish.

>>2637417

or would they?

>>2637384

Even if you lose you win.

>>2637389
The commissar is unrestrained and wearing his normal attire, however he may not carry any 'significant' weapons, such as bolt/laspistols or chain/power weapons. The Grey Knights consider sabers and knives and other cutting implements purely cosmetic though.

>>2637388
Singing lightly has passed before, in the case of neophytes vocally gifted. However, breaking into any sort of dancing or rhythmic movement is met with immediate purification.

Ritual # 455: The recruit is asked to chocolate-fondue P Diddy. There are two possible ways to pass the test; one is the recruit showing the prejudice to utterly and fervently deny this request. The other is to show the restraint to refrain from harming the subject. If the recruit succeeds, he is allowed to kill the man. The last step was implemented after a long lapse in recruit refreshment time as a multitude of recruits suffered terminal aneurysms or descended into madness when they were denied this relief.

>>2637479

So there are endless clones of P Diddy in the GRIMDARK of the future?

>>2637417
All the more heretical, all the more worthy if the Neophyte passes.

>>2637453

Ritual #473: Kill a Chaos Bear with Bear arms

>>2637497
It is a worse future than you think.

Ritual # 170: The recruit must sex up a Catachan pike.

>>2637497
yep they sell them as foodstuffs. \

>>2637526
Catachan pike?

>>2637475

666: Kill a carnifex then make a party hat out of its horn, You must then were the horn to you graduation and use it to decapitate another successful recruit.

>>2637537
Like a regular pike. Except they're the Catachan variant. That should tell you what you need to know.

Ritual # 43: The recruit must watch a full roll of Dark Eldar marriage slide photos. If he manages to sit out the whole session and shows no evident signs of disturbance or fear, he passes.

>>2637573
does he get bonus points for sustaining an erection?

>>2637572
>were the horn

>>2637573
Define 'full roll'. How many slides is that? Probably even three will just send a normal recruit gibbering...

Unless said recruit is either from /d/ or /tg/.

Ritual #111: The recruit must bench press 4 Greater Demons: one of each Chaos God. The recruit must not be affected in any way by the demons abilities (minor cuts and abrasions caused by the act of bench pressing the demons is acceptable).

>>2637598

Great unclean one would be HEAVY

The 666 rituals of detestation are basically what goes into rage threads, condensed and refined over 38000 years of intensive research.

#664
Recruit must successfully induce a Tau into simultaneously worshipping all four chaos gods, Gork, Mork, Khaine, Isha, and the Emperor. He must then reinduce them to worshipping only the Emperor. He may not personally advocate the worship of any god other than the Emperor, and may not resort to violence at any time.

The test is concluded by personally escorting the participants back into Tau space and depositing them EITHER within the Farsight Colony or on Tau itself unharmed.

Ritual # 201: The recruit must drink half a gallon of Imperial-issue paint thinner and another half of Ogryn moonshine, then climb to the top of the nearest chapel spire or control tower, whichever is closest, moon the next incoming transport while singing 'Emperor save the Queen', and finally walk back to his residence while carrying a live grenade in his mouth and holding two recently iron-branded grotz.

>>2637644

Pshhh we already do that for hazing at my frat brah

#57:
Must drink an entire can of Clamato followed by an entire 2-liter bottle of Pepsi Blue.

Flinching, vomiting, or showing signs of discomfort are immediately punished via exterminatus. Survival of exterminatus procedure allows the recruit to retake the test.

>>2637644
most space marines do that on their off time already.

>>2637666
But did they mention to you that the paint thinner is spiked with...THE SECRET INGREDIENT?!

>>2637580
Yes.

>>2637590
That depends. The standard issued photos fill two slides of 26 photos. Brothers who hold the trial are asked to make note of details and to make sure to extrapolate and bring attention to certain elements within them.

If the recruit proves to be a /d/eviant though, he is issued the secret 667th trial; to have consensual sex in the missionary position... with Macha.

#1: The recruit must actually have the balls to attempt to join the Grey Knights.

Trial # 561: The recruit must go through a full 2-hour sauna bath together with Marneus Calgar and George Zimmer without sustaining significant mental scarring.

#528
Recruit must recite the entire 666 words in their sleep. Backwards. This portion of the test is never formally announced or officially recognized to the recruit, but successfully passing it is mandatory for advancement.

#665
Recruit must fill out a form describing his opinions of the test so far. The responses can be of any professed opinion. The actual test is to successfully remember, without assistance, every instructor, test (save #528, which must be noted as having never occurred), schedule, and species (including known Daemon types) encountered during training.

>>2637685

WHAT SORT OF TERRIBLE FUTURE IS THIS

>>2637685
>If the recruit proves to be a /d/eviant though, he is issued the secret 667th trial; to have consensual sex in the missionary position... with Macha.

IMPOSSIBURU MODO

Ritual # 338: The recruit must successfully reveal and powder an Ork Warboss' bottom in front of his kompany or personal guard.

>>2637744
GRIMDARK

Ritual # 164: Successfully hogtie a Hiveship with nothing more than rope and knife.

>>2637776

A FUTURE WHERE MAN IS BESET ON ALL FRONTS. BY ALIENS, CHAOS, AND TRAITORS.

>>2637229

Ritual #162: Beat a Necron Player with the Imperial Guard. Also, the other player really is a Necron.

654: Recruit must go back in time and kill his father.

>>2637764
>>2637744
YOU DO NOT CREATE THESE THREADS IF YOU DON'T WANT ME WRITING THAT SORT OF STUFF

Trial # 441: The recruit must kill three hungry warp beasts while locked in a pit of six meters radius, at least twenty meters deep, and full of cornflakes. His hands are restrained, and he may only deliver the killing blows with his toes or toenails.

>>2637417
Less attractive to you, maybe.

Ritual #014: Wearing full armor, sing "I'm a Little Teapot" continuously for twelve hours (with the appropriate dance) before an audience composed of members from any single other chapter (who shall not have witnessed this test in the past ten years). Hidden among the audience are a panel of three judges, who will give the candidate an objective integer rating between 1 and 10 on the quality of his performance; an average rating of less than 8 will result in failing the ritual.

>>2637820

The Empra?

HERESY

Ritual #099: Candidate is given a single wheat seed and deposited on an uninhabited planet with a ruined ecosystem. Candidate must bake a loaf of bread. Candidate will not be retrieved until his superiors approve the bread.

Ritual # 401: The recruit is immersed in steak sauce and then left alone in the vicinity of a Dark Eldar scouting party. If he manages to successfully eat -them-, he passes.

Ritual #611: The candidate's morning coffee is replaced with Folger's instant coffee. He must notice.

>>2637891

Ritual # 525: The recruit must successfully identify a Callidus assassin in a crowd of a hundred random individuals of mixed species. The individuals are not restrained nor separated. If the assassin dies during the trial, he fails.

>>2637449
Ritual #17.

The recruit must discover ritual #17 and correctly carry it out.

(There is no ritual #17).

The recruit is not to be made aware of this, nor is it to be mentioned, except if they claim to have finished all rituals, they are to be told that they have not, unless they have completed ritual #17.

>>2637903
Can he sex them up to get them all covered in steak sauce first?

Is it A1?

>>2637573
pffft. Carp are more dangerous.

>>2637970
Ritual #432 recruit must subdue a skeletal carp.

>>2637922

Trial # 388: The recruit must, in a report of at least 5000 words, with appropriate pictures and graphs, and a presentation of at least an hour, with demonstration and materials, summarize why kids love the cinnamon taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Ritual #380: Candidate must, while blindfolded, inebriated, and without weapons or armor, pin the "tail" on a Chaos-infected greater donkey demon. The "tail" is a strip of cloth with a blunt iron nail at one end. The "tail" must be affixed in the former location of the demon's real tail, after the candidate has removed it.

Ritual #69: durr hurr hurr

Ritual #101. The recruit must spend six weeks on /tg/ without using the terms 'lol', 'raaaage', 'fffaaaiiilll', 'Dorf Fortress', '4th ed', or so much as one of those motivational posters. He must start at least one thread dedicated to snooker, force it to descend into mudslinging and people calling each other retards in all caps, and then force it back on-topic without using any word other than 'cheese'.

>>2638024
Don't make me get out my fail flail.

>>2638024
Using the word cheese, is this for the entire six weeks, or just for the thread dedicated to snooker?

>>2637965
Anything goes. He's naked, remember.

>>2637970
That's a part of ritual # 292.

Ritual # 584: The recruit is presented with a life-size, life-like high-detail mannequin replica of Eldrad. He is given a spray tube of silicate foam and sharpie markers and left with it in an empty room. Then he is told to, using only the tools provided, make it look as much as a huge dick as possible.

If the recruit realizes that he doesn't need to do anything at all, he passes. Alternatively, he may pass if he takes off the mannequin's helmet and wig and draw a slit with a small hole across its scalp.

Ritual #016 - Candidate must reach epic level in a DnD campaign in 1 week or less. The only food allowed must be either cheesy, crunchy, or both. Drinks must either be loaded with sugar or caffeine. Food prepared/bought by candidate's mother during said ritual may bypass these restrictions.

Ritual #376:

The recruit, stripped of all weapons and armor, must subdue a Dark Eldar Wych who is fully armed and armored. Only the use of the recruit's right arm and left leg are permitted. The Wych may not be injured beyond scratches and bruises.

>>2637998
Herp derp Bloodhounds hurr.

>>2638036
Just the thread related to snooker.

>>2638028
Sorry, there was a World of Synnibar (however you spell it) thread the other day I'm still feeling guilty about.

Ritual #3.5. The recruit must produce an RPG system that begins by causing people to gripe that it sucks and within a short period people say that it was the ultimate and the next recruit's system sucks.

ritual -400: recruit must submit his body to the tech marines and be converted into a server for one month for /b/, if he survives he is to recite every line to "never going to give you up" whilst fapping to the beat, if he misses one beat he must start over.

>>2638065
LOL SO RANDUM

Ritual #i: The recruit must explain imaginary numbers in terms understandable to, say, the average Simple Plan fan. Failure is punished by being forced to endure the music of said group for ten minutes longer than even an exceptionally masochistic Keeper of Secrets can cope with (a period equalling ten minutes).

665: Chop of your dick while having a hardon

Ritual #204: the recruit must successfully use the old Gnoblar list from White Dwarf to defeat the new Warhammer Chaos Daemons list.

Ritual #546: Recruit must achieve orgasm in the presence of at least fifty lesser daemons of nurgle.

Ritual #555: the recruit must successfully justify every canonical error in the history of Doctor Who Eighth Doctor novels (or, as I have no doubt many of you call them, "fanfic"). If he dies of old age, he fails. If he finds Cavis and Gandar in Shadows of Avalon annoying, he gets a bonus point.

>>2638072
TEH PENGU1N OF D00M!

Ritual # 88: The recruit is made to drink until inebriated, then dressed in a tutu. He must then fetch pizza from a downtown bakery at least six blocks away through industrial works and bring it, still fresh and hot, to his current master within half an hour. He is required to do certain things on the way, should he encounter anyone. If he meets a Commissar, he is required to salute him with his foot and then do 50 one-armed pushups without putting the pizza down. If he meets a Sororita, he is required to shave her legs, cooperation or no. If he meets an Enginseer, he is required to steal his robe and run with it for at least a mile while chanting 'Balls of steel, balls of steel, balls of steel'.

Ritual #475: recruit must successfully square the circle.

>>2638145
Needless to say, this test is never given until there are several individuals of said kinds afoot in the vicinity.

Ritual #154: the recruit must listen to every Goon Show in existence. Without laughing once.

Ritual 359: Recruit must beat a Greater Daemon of Tzeentch in a game of chess. He must then amass a logical paradox capable of destroying said daemon.

Ritual #667: the recruit must successfully explain to a Grand Master and his Terminator bodyguard that there are supposed to be only 666 rituals. The Grand Master is as touchy as hell and all of them are a) mean drunks and b) very, very good shots even while inebriated. The recruit is wearing a shirt bearing a target symbol on the chest and a "Stormtrooper Field" (Star Wars stormtroopers) which massively enhances the damage of all ranged weapons fired at him. His feet are welded to the floor and his hands nailed to the ceiling. If he sustains so much as a cut, he fails.

>>2638209

Ritual #360: Recruit must beat a Keeper of Secrets in a fapping contest. Recruit must then banish said daemon by fucking its physical form to death.

You can do without me now, I think. Or, I can do without you. Whichever.

>>2638217

Ritual 361: Recruit must find (or produce) some image, scent, or event that causes a Great Unclean One to become disgusted.

>>2638228
No, stay. The more deranged minds are involved in this thread, the better. We want all 666 rituals, thanks.

>>2638230
Ritual #362: Recruit must defeat a Bloodthirster in a pissing contest. Recruit must then banish said Bloodthirster by impaling it on his cock.

Ritual #663: recruit must devise another 666 rituals. Preferably solo and online.

>>2638238
No, I am sorry. Even I have my limits, and I think this thread has now gone past the moderation that is required for good humor.

I am off to /d/, and then bed.

>>2638249

Ritual #363: Having killed two greater daemons with his massive cock, he must be made aware of ritual #665 (The removal of his penis with his own force Halberd by his own hand).

If the recruit shows even a hint of regret, he fails.

>>2638262
I see your point. Goodbye, folks.

Ritual 150# Recruit must play through Pokemon Red and reach the final credits within 45 minutes. The three starting pokemon are replaced with
1 Magikarp
2 Kakuna
3 POKEMON REMOVED FOR HERESY

#344: recruit must somehow win the game.

Ritual #037 - Recruit must attempt to live one normal day.

>>2638153
Ritual #314: Recruit must find the exact value for pi.
Ritual #141: Recruit must find the square root of two.

>>2638396
Pi and sqrt(2) ARE the exact values. You mean
Ritual #314: Recruit must find the last digit of pi.
Ritual #141: Recruit must find the last digit of the square root of two.

>>2638379
#344: Recruit must lose the game.

>>2638383
>Recruit must attempt to live one normal day.
All he has to do is attempt?

>>2638413
Ahem, yes sorry.
I actually thought I wrote
>Recruit must find the exact DECIMAL value for ...
that's what i get for not proofing.

>>2638430
Ritual #477: Recruit must convince a Techpriest that pi does indeed have a final digit.

>>2638178
Impossible.

>>2638531
Seagoon: "How do you intend to tip Mt Everest on its side?"
Bloodnok: "Isn't it obvious?"
Seagoon: "No."
Bloodnok: "Then I have another idea."
You have a point.

>>2638475
Not sure if heresy . . . .

>>2638531
Seagoon: "How do you intend to tip Mt Everest on its side?"
Bloodnok: "Isn't it obvious?"
Seagoon: "No."
Bloodnok: "Then I have another idea."
You have a point.

Ritual #667: Super happy party funtimes forever

>>2638539
"Bluebottle, what are you doing in Neddy's trousers?"

"I live here!"

>>2638641
Seagoon: "L-I-O-N. Mole? L-I-O-N..."
Minnie: "Well, what does it say?"
Seagoon: (from a distance) "LION! IT'S A LION!"
Minnie: "Oh, you silly man you. Ellington, do you think it's a lion?"
Ellington (distant): "YES!"
Minnie: "Aah! Here pussy, eat this, it's all for you!"
Eccles: "Put me down!"

Ritual #333: Capture a Greater Daemon and beat it into worshipping the Emperor.

*sounds of discomfort*
Seagoon: We have to move these rocks!
Bloodnok: I'm eating them as fast as I can!

>>2637790
Also known as the Brockimus Samsonius ritual

>>2638599
Hooray! It'd be nice if the final test just let them relax a little. But then, that would be a challenge!

Ritual #92:

The recruit is blindfolded, spun six times, and issued an Angry Marine Power Bat. He must successfully smash open a pinata in the shape of the eight-pointed star of Chaos hanging in front of a pinata in the form of the aquila. A dozen commissars are present to ensure punishment for heretical swings are instantaneous.

Ritual #479

Recruit must uninstall Norton Anti-virus...

...From a Titan

>>2641522
Ouch.

>>2639571
That IS the final challenge. #667 is "find satisfaction."

>>2641522
Do they get to enter into the Titan's mind like Eisenhorn did, or do they have to use the main consoles?

>>2637190
Well I guess I fail then.

>>2641569
They must enter its mind

HARD MODE: Must not have any advice from a Techpriest or Techmarine
NIGHTMARE MODE: Must use an Apple interface.

>>2641610
>Apple interface

Not a problem. As long as they have Jeff Goldblum onboard.

619: Their mind must go into the Warp, find Abaddon's mind and beat him in a mental danceoff.

>>2641632
>Jeff Goldblum
>Jurassic Park
>Ian Malcom
>Chaos Theory
>CHAOS

HERSEY!

>>2641610
>>NIGHTMARE MODE: Must use an Apple interface.

Oh that's...that's just not right.

>>2641666
"But you're a techpriest!"
"Chaos theory suggests otherwise, bitch."

HERESY, actually

>>2641661
Poor guy

>>2641827
Yeah, only the Grey Knights know that he's trained in classical dancing.

>>2641797