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    File :1227175687.jpg-(237 KB, 1080x1080, Vostroy-Chan.jpg)
    237 KB Imperial Guardsman Briefing #4585: Pleasuring a Woman Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)05:08 No.3029632  
    Alright lads. At ease, take a seat. Now, today we’re training you for one of the most challenging scenarios an Imperial Guardsman may have to come up against: pleasuring a woman in the bedroom.

    [Pause for laughter]

    Alright, settle down you lot. I know, it may seem like some of you should be giving this lecture, but you are all fresh recruits and as such Imperial Doctrine states that I give this charming series of lessons. A happy home makes you all fight harder, or so I’m told. Look at it this way: for the duration of these lessons, you’ve been sanctioned by your superiors, including the Ecclesiarchy, to watch pornography.

    [Pause for laughter]

    Alright. Now everyone pay attention here. This isn’t written in the Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer, so if you go home to your girl and you forgot because you were taking a piss during these briefings then you are well and truly fugged.

    Today’s briefing is about how to pleasure her with your hands. Yes, just another use your two most accessible weapons have. Now, there are more ways than this but this is the Imperium Approved method, handed down through generations of soldiers as basic and effective.

    So, let’s get to it. And if you’re taking notes, for fug’s sake memorize the information. First and foremost. Clean nails, lads. Not just for her health. It’s Imperial law.
    So nails are cut and hands are clean, and your woman is waiting on your off-barrack bunk. What do we do? Same as any other mission. Establish a strong Vox network. Talk to the girl. You’re both on the same side and are marching towards a common objective here, keep a clear line of communication with her. Ask her what she likes, or ask her to show you if she’s the shy and blushing Shrine world type. If she knows, then let her play Commander. Got it?
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)05:08 No.3029636
    Alright. So she’s down to her undergarments, and you’ve already taken the view from the hill. Put your palm on her and slowly rub against her underwear. Trace around the outline of her and stray from up and down the picket to brush her thigh lightly of occasion. She’ll let you know what works, have no fear. Just remember, be gentle at this point. You’re a man of the Imperium, not a savage Ork. Well, maybe Grylph over there is, but still…

    [Pause for laughter]

    Once she’s nice and primed, liberate her of her undergarments and make her comfortable. You’ll know because she’ll have the texture of Lasgun oil. Now, get your second and third fingers together and move from her clitoris slowly to the bottom of her snatch. All eyes on screen up front. Good. Keep doing that, and occasionally circle her clitoris. Keep that fire going, boys. It shouldn’t take long until she’s purring like a Thylacene. Time to move.
    The fingers which you had ready go in easily. Just like any mission; do it slowly or you’ll miss the objective.
    Now, once they are in curve them slightly upwards towards her navel as you push, until you find a rippled and slightly springy spot. That, gentlemen, is paydirt. Once you have planted the flag, don’t stop rubbing that spot.

    Now, after a small while she will start to contract. Here’s the important bit, so listen up. Do not change speed or motion for anything. Not if you have your own thoughts. Not if someone else said they know better. Not even if an Inquisitor orders you not to. Well, maybe the last one. But she may kill you anyway if you do extract at that point, so that one’s your call.

    [Pause for laughter]

    After a moment she’ll come with the force of a Thunderhawk. Your commanding officers guarantee it. [Thumbs up]
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)05:09 No.3029640
    Alright, that’s your lesson for today. But before we go, a final warning. What you have seen today was for use on a quiet woman you wish to marry and have a regulation Imperial family with after your tours of duty are complete. Carousing with local women around your postings, or with prostitutes both sanctioned and on-the-sly, is frowned upon by most Commissars, and we all know how touchy they are. Remember: flies spread disease, so keep yours closed!

    [Pause for laughter]

    Alright, let’s move it out! Target practice in five!
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)05:57 No.3029848
    I'm confused. I expected a joke, but...

    Not sure if want.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)06:02 No.3029867

    Actually, I'm pretty sure that fingering a woman IS covered in the Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer.

    Like just after the bit where they tell you the emergency procedure when being sucked into the vaccuum of space.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)06:06 No.3029887

    Can someone verify? Maybe they have diagrams too.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)06:09 No.3029899
    Well, MY morale is up, if you know what I mean.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)06:11 No.3029905
    Uh...When is the next lesson Sir?
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)06:16 No.3029911

    What WOULD be the next lesson? After that it's pretty straightforward...

    ... maybe how to tie Bondage ropes? Now THAT would be handy.
    >> Frazer 11/20/08(Thu)06:15 No.3029912
    Hah hah! Very novel.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)06:17 No.3029922
    >... maybe how to tie Bondage ropes? Now THAT would be heresy.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)06:19 No.3029934
    Just had the following scene play through in my head:

    Nervous Anon finally gets some chick to wants fingering. He panicks, runs to the computer and rereads this briefing before returning to said girl and doing a proper job of it. As she's panting afterwards, he looks away and smiles.

    "It worked, and it's all thanks to the lessons of the Imperial Guard! Thanks sarge!" Gives thumbs up to ghostly sarge, who returns thumbs up and grins.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)06:27 No.3029965
    That or she's the loud type that screams when she cums. The shy anon is lost in the moment and yells by the top of his lungs FOR THE EMPEROR
    >> Salamanders Fanboi !!3huhktkKj6R 11/20/08(Thu)06:35 No.3029983
    Yeah, about that...
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)06:37 No.3029987
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    And that's how Fuklaw was concieved.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)06:38 No.3029993
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    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)06:46 No.3030006
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    >shy and blushing Shrine world type

    Oh my.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)06:53 No.3030027
    I would give fucking money to the man who cums on some chicks face and yells "FER THA EMPRAH!"

    Because it would be so fucking cash.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)10:19 No.3030994
    Does my long suffering wife count?

    It's not the most fucked up thing i've shouted while cumming on her face but i've done it.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)10:53 No.3031155
    You sir... You're a fucking hero. The Emprah smiles on you.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)11:23 No.3031341
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)11:42 No.3031452

    Where's that picture of a guardsman giving a thumbs-up when you need it?
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)11:59 No.3031523
    These instructions are complicated and confusing.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)14:03 No.3031974
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    >> smar/tg/uy 11/20/08(Thu)14:52 No.3032198
    best...thread...evar! Also would like to know the proper imperial method for stickin it in the pooper.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)14:58 No.3032227
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    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)15:00 No.3032238
    The bayonet on the gun is small.

    I guess the budget for proper stabsticks fell through and they're forced to use Imperial Butterknives instead.
    >> smar/tg/uy 11/20/08(Thu)15:04 No.3032260
    thats a hunting knife, its just the gun is so big. If anything there was a Adminstorium budget fuck-up and the guard were able to buy bigger pattern guns in some regiments.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)15:07 No.3032277
    Nice lesson, but not as detailed as the standard Sister of Battle talk on 'pleasing your preteen man'.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)16:33 No.3032625
    I must have missed that one.
    When is the make up lesson?
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)16:43 No.3032674
    Just let me get my armour and we'll play pretend. Sit on the bed, if you tell, you'll get in trouble. It'll also be HERESY.

    (I should point out that I'm a tall, hairy man)
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)16:46 No.3032684
    and obviously not preteen.
    Wrong instruction lesson, sir.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)18:24 No.3033158
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    Full version of OP's pic.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)18:35 No.3033193
    Circle A rocks.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)18:47 No.3033240
    Thank you anon

    My girlfriend also says thank you

    I must go now
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)21:19 No.3034227
    who the fuck is circle a?
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)21:25 No.3034243
    Look at the picture. Look real hard.

    You can do this, kid. I believe in you.
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)21:28 No.3034261
    This is sanctioned as Grade A Double Rock.

    Anything we can give you back in payment, Anon?
    >> Anonymous 11/20/08(Thu)21:33 No.3034286
    I mean where is his website
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)00:12 No.3035311

    OP here. This is still around? Wow.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)00:19 No.3035353
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    Sir, I'd like to shake your hand.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)00:20 No.3035358
    Epic lulz were had.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)00:44 No.3035463
    This briefing needs to be stored for future reference!

    Someone archive this!
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)03:21 No.3036239
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    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)03:26 No.3036250
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    Continuing instructional diagrams
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)03:30 No.3036267
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    Pretenses of pleasing a woman without going down on her ?

    Imperial amateurs.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)03:34 No.3036282
    one of the dumbest fetishes ever.
    >> God-Emperor of Mankind 11/21/08(Fri)03:34 No.3036287
    I somehow get the feeling of a hidden message behind this writefaggotry...

    methinks it was a clever way to tell fa/tg/uys they suck in bed...
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)03:44 No.3036330
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    It's not that you are bad, /tg/

    It's just that women like a man who knows what they're doing.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)03:46 No.3036340
    The next installment should include a) going down on a woman and b) how not to be a cock when she's sucking yours.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)03:50 No.3036355
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    Yeah. We're going to take advice about procreation from a dying out race, sure.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)03:52 No.3036363
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    Sir? I think I may have done something wrong.

    After using a hand flamer to burn through the dense undergrowth, Sgt. Thumb and his squad patrolled for the entrance. Following standard operating procedure as was detailed here, there were deep seismic rumblings. We attempted evacuation, but were trapped by enclosing snare.

    When it was all told, the squad had lost over half its members and I'm told it'll be months before the good Sgt. is up on his knuckle again.

    Also one of my ribs is gone. Not broken. Its just GONE

    How should I proceed?
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)03:53 No.3036366
    Human and Eldar anatomy are vastly different. Do you really think what is pleasurably to a Human female and an Eldar female are going to be the same thing? Fuck I'm a "filthy dumb mon'keigh" and even I know that.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)03:59 No.3036388

    You did all you could, soldier. Return to base, we'll send Squad Two in tomorrow.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)04:05 No.3036402
    Am I the only one imagining the Happy Negro as a guardsman? guess its shooping time.
    >> Farseer Fae'ree !P1veDBz1jU 11/21/08(Fri)04:06 No.3036406
    Someone doesn't know their fluff.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)04:09 No.3036418
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    You should be glad you got out of there at all, soldier, the humid valleys and towering mountains of the Catachan deathworld have claimed countless lives.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)04:10 No.3036420

    Are you kidding? Explain the Vaginal Tentacle all female Eldar possess then.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)04:13 No.3036432
    >just another use your two most accessible weapons have
    Because they're always...close at hand.
    >> Farseer Fae'ree !P1veDBz1jU 11/21/08(Fri)04:16 No.3036446
    Funny how current fluff doesn't mention it, eh?
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)04:18 No.3036457

    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)04:20 No.3036464
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    Further evolution from Humanity.

    Being so shit hot, Eldar females have to worry about rape by all other races, as well as wild animals. As a defense, the Vaginal Tentacle extends outward and wraps gently around the aggressor male, masturbating him. This ensures that the Eldar female remains undamaged internally by the vigorous dickings she recieves.

    Usually, the male will not know the difference.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)04:23 No.3036476
    xenology does. it mentions how human and eldar anatomy is similar externally but is vastly different internally. Apparently Eldar and Humans reproduce the same way only the male has to continually fuck the female so that all the genetic info is gathered since once never gets the whole set.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)04:25 No.3036481
    that makes no fucking sense. sage for not making sense.

    >> ELFDAR DUDE 11/21/08(Fri)04:38 No.3036519

    Dude, we literally gave birth to Slaanesh. Don't get cocky.
    >> Farseer Fae'ree !P1veDBz1jU 11/21/08(Fri)04:39 No.3036524
    Xenology had a male Eldar specimen, though. There's no reference to a female tenticle.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)04:46 No.3036544
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    ... is it wrong for me to wish there were Drawfaggotry of this?
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)04:54 No.3036565
    /tg/ and /d/ are generally on good terms so no, its not wrong.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)05:02 No.3036596
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    Close enough, I suppose.
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)05:03 No.3036601
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    Yorozu Tatarareya (Possessed by All)
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)09:06 No.3037211


    PS: Fulgrim says hi
    >> Anonymous 11/21/08(Fri)09:19 No.3037240
    oh COME ON.

    this is pretty friggin' intuitive stuff, fa/tg/uys.

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