Fuck yes, please do.

Of course we are, at least the ones that are awake are.

Alright guys, let me get settled in and I'll get to work!

>>3081771
Sleep is for the weak !
And I'd love to keep hearing about it.

Dawn came and the party was packed and ready to go wyvern hunting. The Pseudodragon pointed them in the direction of a small Elven hamlet (this place comes into play as well in How Uzgob got his green back.), suggesting that the rangers there may know where the beast now nests.

On the way there the party failed a spot check, we later found out that one of the branches of a tree was a Woodlands staff, which sucked as thats some serious coinage right there and the major treasure that the DM had rolled for this little adventure we were on. We ran into a group of ettercaps while cutting through the forest and a trio of giant spiders, they were slaughtered in less then five turns (This party was insanely capable of tearing through baddies as we all consistently rolled really well, every fuckin time. The DM started to give us encounters two to three levels higher then suggested on a regular basis just to give us a challenge. He also beefed up any solo targets we may encounter in the near future.) We were stopped by a hidden group of Elves as we came closer to the village, demanding that we tell them why we were tearing through there home (Uz had been cutting a path through the forest). The Ranger lied to the group, saying we were adopted brothers and sisters, hunting a wyvern that had slew our mother as she foraged for food to raise our younger brothers and sisters. Touched by her harrowing tale that took us into the village, Uz's hand drifting to the shaft of is axe.

>>3081881
Sweet jesus, spelling mistakes ahoy. Sorry about those guys, I'm running on very little sleep but figured I'd knock the rest of this story out before going to bed.

I feel I have to give you a bit of Uz's background for you to fully understand why being in an Elf village is a very difficult thing for him. As you know, hes a half-orc. He was raised in an Orc tribe as a glorified slave until he was capable of wielding a weapon, then he was used as fodder for any raids the orcs organized. When he managed to avoid death while continuing to add kills to his tally he moved up to the place of a full warrior, gaining the respect that came with it. Skip ahead to his 26th year, Uz now considered one of the tribes greatest warriors takes a severe head injury while fighting an Elvish attack on his tribe. He awakens several days later in a pile of corpses, his home raised to the ground, his fancy new head injury practically simpling him. Crawling away from the bodies of his family he sets out, the chieftains axe he wields a constant reminder of the brutality of his kinds ancient foe.

The Cleric knew of Uz's past, as the two of them were pretty close. Uz kept the baddies from touching her, and she kept Uz fed and healed up, they talked pretty frequently and she was even attempting to teach him how to read. Thanks to this knowledge and seeing the large barbarian about ready to start taking heads she suggests that the two of them wait outside the hamlet and let the ranger work her magic. The Elves are almost too eager to comply, obviously no more comfortable with Uz then he was with them.

>>3081985
Meanwhile the ranger meets up with the groups leader, she finds out that the hamlet is just a small outpost for a much larger village deeper in the forest as well as some possible locations of the wyvern. The elf tells her that his men had been reporting butchered deer carcus's to the north, by a small lake and rocky outcropping. They had suspected a foreign predator for some time but didn't have the man power to take care of anything that didn't pose an immediate threat. The gnome draws up a quick map of the area according to the rangers knowledge of the area and meets up with the others to head off, fame and fortune waiting just ahead!

B:"Wyverns fly right?"

DM:"Naturally."

B:"And we're going to be by a lake right."

DM:"... What are you getting at?"

B:"Whats a wyverns max carry weight?

DM:"350 pounds, I don't see where this is going."

B:"No where, just curious."

DM:"Okay... well then, The party breaks through the thick forests brush, and finds themselves facing a large pristine water basin. A stream trickles down the beginnings of a small mountain directly across from you."

R:"I look for any traces of a large clawed creature."

C:"I examine the lake, testing the water to see if its drinkable."

B:"Little man, Uzgob needs know if you have net?"

R:"I'm a women damnit, a women!"

B:"Heh, Little man always so crazy."

R:"... I hate you so much...Here, take it *Roughly digs the net out of her pack and tosses it to the lummox*"

B:"Many thanks! Uzgob has a cunning plan."

>flying creatures
>weight limits
I like where this is going

I have a cunning plan my lord.

Have we figured out who OP is in these epic tales yet?

Hmm, I do hope this is archived somewhere. Either 1d4chan or Suptg

Go on

>>3082000
DM:"***, after searching for only a few minutes you find obvious signs of predatory inhabitance. Bones are scattered around the clearing, a tree practically shredded from something sharpening its claws on it is easily seen as you pass it."

R:"I think we're in the right place guys. Uz, you mind telling me what you needed my net for?"

B:"Hehe, Uzgob has trick for flying scaley cowards. They try to fly away from Uzgob's mighty justice, but Uzgob will fly with them!"

C:"That... that doesn't even begin to make sense."

B:"Of course it does little women! Uzgob ties net to rope, and rope to arrow. Little man shoots arrow into dragon, and Uzgob holds onto net!"

R:"Sounds like a terrible plan to me. But sure, why not."

DM:"How much does Uz weigh?"

B:"Without gear, 300 lbs. With, hes clocking in at about 390."

DM:"...Well fuck."

>>3082052
I chuckled.

>>3082052
DM:"As the party waits hidden in the dense forest surrounding the clearing night begins to fall. Having made their preparations the group rests, the deer *** killed lies on the lakes edge. The heavy beating of a powerful set of wings breaks the silence, a shadow glides over the lakes surface."

R:"I notch the net arrow and take aim above the dead deer."

B:"Uzgob unsheathes his axe and loops a fist through a piece of the netting."

C:"I cast water walk on Uzgob."

DM:"The creature circles the clearing over head, roll a hide check with a +2 for concealment."

B:"12"

R:"18"

C:"17"

DM:"Spot check, 11. Seeing nothing out of the ordinary the draconian figure swoops down, landing nimbly next to the shredded tree. It tears at it for a few moments before stopping, the beasts sniffs the air loudly, its head turning to face the bait you've left out. It hops up and glides across the waters surface, snatching the deer up as it coasts over it."

R:"Shit. I loose my arrow as it snatches the deer."

DM:"You've got a surprise round and then roll init. Roll it."

>>3082094
R:*rolls.*"Well fuck... I don't think a 7 is going to hit is it?"

DM:"Nope. The arrows flys past the Wyvern, imbedding itself into a tree."

R:"Fuck, so much for the plan guys."

B:"Uzgob is a master of improvising!"

B:"I'm going to rage, charge, and make a leap attack at this fucker with -5 to my attack roll."

DM:"Roll it."

B:*rolls* "19, fuck year!"

DM:"Thats a threat right?"

B:"Yup, his axe is keen."

B:*rolls*"12+12, so with the -5 for leap attack thats 17."

DM:".... crit confirmed... roll damage."

C:"This is going to be awesome."

B:*rolls*"11, multiply that by three, 33, plus the 20 for leaping and 7 strength bonus. Sixty damage. Jesus christ."

DM:"... RP the kill."

R:"WHA-"

C:"THE-"

B:"FUUUUUUUUUUU."

>>3082131
Thats beautiful.

Uzgob is right up there with Tordek as one of the greats.

I wake up and the entire stories up here except for the ending. OP, where did you go!?

Yes! I was looking forward to this. Moar Uzgob, OP!

>>3082016
OP is the gnome ranger iirc.

OP didn't even finish? Gaaaaaay.

I have fury

Bumpty For Great Justice!

Wasn't Uzgob the name of that Ork that got strapped to a rocket and sent to the great WAAGH in the sky?

What ever happened to him?

>>3085053
No idea, im also wondering what happened to Da Rokkitranga.

>>3085053
Uzgob seems to be a common name for awesome orcs.

Bump for Justice! OP, finish the damn story!

Oh god the cliffhanger. It is the worst cliffhanger in a long time. I can't wait to see how this ends!

Hey guys, OP here. I had my weekly session today, and tried to find out if anyone had saved the logs for the end of this, as I couldn't find the kill anywhere. Apparently no one has it, but I remember pretty much how it went, and the horrible things that happened after. I'll post it now.

Uzgob pierces through the forests edge, his charges ferocity matched only by his murderous bellow as he barrels down on his winged foe. Suddenly, the large Orc is airborn, his axe held aloft over his head as he brings its keen edge bear, biting deeply into the wyverns soft underbelly. His momentum carries him forward, his axe tearing through the beast, a shower of viscera and gore exploding behind him. Uzgob hits the surface of the water hard, the magic cast on him stopping him from enjoying its refreshing coolness.

B:"I'm also going to take the stinger."

DM:"Before that, roll a listen check guys."

R,B,C:"*low numbers*"

DM:"Okay, go ahead then."

B:"Uzgob walks to his fallen enemy, a feral grin dominating his features. 'Uzgob is crusher of Dragons! None are mightier!' With a final swing, Uzgob cleaves the beasts deadly stinger, attaching it to his belt."

R:"Big'un, that was just damned impressive."

B:"Little man will learn to crush like Uzgob someday, Uzgob will even teach little man!"

R:"I'm not so sure you could teach anyone Uzzy."

B:"Uzgob is professor in crushanomics! Uzgob teaches with the might of ten teachers!"

C:"Crushanomics?"

B:"The science behind the crush!"

C:"I had no idea there was an underlying mechanic to crushing."

B:"Oh of course, and none know it like Uzgob does!"

R:"Please then, enlighten us oh wise one. What is the scientific process behind crushing?"

Yay!

>>3086925
>crushanomics
>the might of ten teachers

I know what your Barb player reads. It's fantastic for inspiration for awesome Orc Barbs.

Though Uz has a really low int, he actually had a wis of 16, it was actually his second highest stat, thanks to this he'd occasionally come out with some brilliant plan or insight into a situation. This is not one of them.

B:"Uzgob will gladly share his lifes passion with his friends!' The large Barbarian sits down, still glistening with the lifeforce of his prey. 'Crushing is science of the highest degree! There are much variables that need be taken into consideration when deciding how to crush. What if foe is bigger then Uzgob? It is rhetorical question of course, no one is bigger then Uzgob but still, it is consideration that must be made. What if Axe can not crush foe? It is very complex, but Uzgob has system for getting the most out of a crush's potential."

B:"Uzgob takes size of Uzgob, and size of enemy. Uzgob compares axe to enemy, if axe not bigger then head, then Uzgob gets bigger axe! You see? Science!"

R:"... I honestly don't know what I was expecting."

C:"It was... very informative Uzgob, thank you."

>>3086946
Tell me

>>3086946
Yeah, the character was originally an homage to him, but ended up being too damn fun to play as that he stuck with it.

So thats it for the great Dragon hunt guys. We found some trash loot around the Wyverns nest, as well as some eggs that the Cleric took. She made a recipe for Wyvern omelets that proved to be quite exquisite. The Ranger talked the elvish outpost to give us a reward for saving them the trouble of doing it. Just a new bow for her and some gold, nothing too incredible. Uz named his axe Dragon Crusher and crudely burned in a drawing of him crushing a dragon (this was described as a big stick figure hitting a vaguely dragon shaped thing with a block).

>>3087012
wait, weren't there two wyverns?

>>3087015
First one was taken down by the gnomes when it attacked them. This was the surviving mate. The DM originally threw another one at us after taking out this one, as he thought the fight was too easy. Turns out that in a fair fight where we didn't get incredibly lucky, it would have wiped the fucking floor with us. He retconned it out, as we were all pretty pissed that he was going to take away an epic victory and kill us all off because he was butthurt.

>>3086946
>>3086997
How about a name?

>>3087020
How do you feel about Cecil?

>>3087020
It was an icewind dale 2 character named Urggzob. Really angry all the time, drank constantly and kicked total ass.

>>3087031
I like it. It wears pretty well. Not too tight - not too loose.

I think I'll keep it for other times though.

>>3087032
Thanks.

>>3087037
No problemo.

Any more Uzgob tales, OP?

>>3086946
Someone needs to play an absolutely spiffing (but dim) sorcerer with a love of flame and a hatred of children. Or a druid who gets his Wisdom so high he can see beyond the 4th wall.

>>3087235
Of course I've got some more, it depends on if you all want to hear them or not.

>>3087702

Yes, post more stories

>>3087702
Yes, do post more.

If I'm free tonight I'll tell you guys another one. What do you want to hear? Theres still how Uz got his green back, and the entire evil dick fighter series. Pretty much every encounter with him was hilarious for us.

>>3087883
A fighter one at first. Save the story of GREEN for when you need to break up the fighter stories with something else.

>>3087883
Also want more, and I agree that Uzgob bringing green back should be used as a break between dick fighter stories.

>>3087887
>>3088236
What these guys said. Dick fighter is the way to go.