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  • File :1240019112.jpg-(363 KB, 2048x1536, CARNIFEX HAS NO REGRETS.jpg)
    363 KB Anonymous 04/17/09(Fri)21:45 No.4316247  
    >> Anonymous 04/17/09(Fri)21:45 No.4316249
    I think we found what the nids were running from.
    >> Anonymous 04/17/09(Fri)21:48 No.4316262
    the diskworld?
    >> Anonymous 04/17/09(Fri)21:50 No.4316277
    is that an alligator snapping turtle?! that is not a pet, sir.
    >> Anonymous 04/17/09(Fri)21:50 No.4316278
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    This'll end well
    >> Anonymous 04/17/09(Fri)21:51 No.4316285
    >> Anonymous 04/17/09(Fri)21:56 No.4316298
    its like all modern turtles, even Galapagos, are all like I'm a harmless turtle. I'm slow and eat worms and grass. Then you have Alligator snapping turtles who got every last bit of scary old world reptile that was allotted to turtle kind. and they get fucking huge.
    >> Anonymous 04/17/09(Fri)21:57 No.4316299

    >> Anonymous 04/17/09(Fri)21:58 No.4316307
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    head of alligator snapping turtle. though at second notice one is pic is just a normal snapping turtle. still not a good idea on your part to have one.
    >> Anonymous 04/17/09(Fri)22:01 No.4316321
    It was better the first time.
    >> Anonymous 04/17/09(Fri)22:41 No.4316340
    >modern turtles
    >not dangerous

    You, sir, have not seen what they do to pigeons.

    >> Anonymous 04/17/09(Fri)23:02 No.4316347
    Oh god what.

    I like the music. Quite fitting.
    >> Anonymous 04/17/09(Fri)23:06 No.4316351
    or to dogs or anything thats in biting distance
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:25 No.4316369
    At the zoo here they have on that's about three hundred pounds.
    They can't put the fucker in any exhibit and they don't have room to give it is own. So they keep him in a giant tub in the back
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:27 No.4316372
    >They can't put the fucker in any exhibit and they don't have room to give it is own.
    holy shit
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:29 No.4316377
    Is it wrong that I immediately thought of this song playing when the turtle ATE THE PIGEON?
    Om nom nom, Pigeon?

    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:31 No.4316383
    Didn't someone on dirty jobs say they've found living alligator snapping turtles with musket balls from the civil war lodged in them?
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:31 No.4316384
    Ah. the nastiest sonfabitch turtle around. When I was a child, we had one in our local pond that amused itself by eating every little duckling in the pond one spring- you'd be watching a mama duck with her brood, and the snappers head would pop up behind one and *plip* down the little duckling went under the water, never to be seen again. Well, not alive anyway.

    The children of the area decided this beast needed to die. And when our duckling-killer finally was caught (with a rather large bird net), nobody wanted to get close enough the thing to kill it. So there it sat in the middle of the local cul-de-sac, glaring hate at the stupid ape-children.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:32 No.4316389
    Suddenly the Mother Brain music from Super Metroid is playing in my head.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:40 No.4316414

    Someone gets the bright idea to blow up the turtle, and this being children who don't care about silly things like explosives, an M-80 was procured, taped to a long stick and the fuse lit, with the little chunk-o-dynamite then used to poke the snapper in question in the head with the intention of slaying the dinner-plate-sized shellhead.

    A brief snapping sound ensued. The M-80....vanished along with a good inch of stick. Yes, our reptilian villian ATE the thing.

    And the fuse was waterproofed and didn't go out. The beast glared at us all for a second, it's beak working.

    Then it didn't so much explode as it spread itself across most of the cul-de-sac. As snapper scrapnel. I looked down to find one nail had just managed to break the skin on my forearm, while the stick wielder was peppered with small holes at shin height where shards of snapper had gone through his blue jeans and flayed much of the skin off his shins in the process.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:40 No.4316415
    >>Though not a primary food source for them, Alligator snappers have been known to kill actual alligators they have been confined with, such as in a net, small bog, or poorly-planned aquarium display
    >>Alligator snappers have been known to kill actual alligators
    >>kill actual alligators

    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:42 No.4316427
    Holy shit, that fucking thing killed the pidgeon instantly.

    It just casually strolled up onto the beach, and WHAMPOWSNAP and then dragged the dead pidgeon back underwater.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:43 No.4316430
    Manly tears for the fallen hero ;_;
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:44 No.4316435
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    I always find it amusing, when people think the dragon trutle is a silly D&D monster.

    It's a Huge-sized Alligator Snapping Turtle. Just let that sink in for a minute.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:44 No.4316437
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:44 No.4316439
    good, that fucker injured you little faggots while dying meaninglessly.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:45 No.4316444
    I lol'd
    You sick fuck
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:45 No.4316445

    A vicious snapping fragmentation grenade.
    By the gods, that is genious!
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:46 No.4316448
    you and your friends are and/or were fucking retarded. What did you think was going to happen?
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:46 No.4316450
    >>It's a Huge-sized Alligator Snapping Turtle. Just let that sink in for a minute.

    No thanks, I'd like to sleep tonight.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:46 No.4316451
    Well, that's a good lesson for later in life: "Don't detonate snapping turtles unless you're in cover."
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:46 No.4316452

    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:49 No.4316461
    A movie when somebody explodes all solid masses in their body turns into harmless jelly, or mist
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:50 No.4316466
    He knew what was going on and decided to punish you both using his own corpse.

    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:50 No.4316467

    On the other side of the street, a Canadian goose was hit- a truly horrible sound, like someone had punted the thing with a steel-toed boot. And then keeled over, quite dead with the snapper's head (now mostly mashed into goo,save for the beak) buried in it's chest.

    The shell was all that remained, intact, rocking back and forth a bit and steaming slightly, reamed out. For about three feet in a circle around, the cul-de-sac was painted a Nurgle-esque mix of green, red, and black from pureed snapper turtle- a beast so hateful it maimed it's killers and managed to take a full grown bird with it on the way out. We found bits of claw or turtle bone in car bumpers and vinyl siding for weeks afterwards. The shell stayed where it was- nobody wanted to touch the thing and finally the local garbage truck ended up smashing it to pieces running it over.

    I don't get near the fuckers anymore. Ever.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:50 No.4316469

    I love these videos.

    In terms of animal dickery, however, this will always take the cake.

    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:52 No.4316480
    >a beast so hateful it maimed it's killers and managed to take a full grown bird with it on the way out

    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:54 No.4316489
    Centipedes that eat bats, by the way.

    Just remember one of these when you fight a giant centipede in D&D
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:55 No.4316495
    >Huge snapping alligator turtle

    Fuck, well, I know what my island dwelling lizardfolk worships as a totem beast now.

    Hell, I can say the armor and helmet he wears is made of a baby one. Still large enough to give a medium sized creature a breastplate and large shield.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:55 No.4316498

    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:56 No.4316499

    That turtle was no hero, though it died well. It literally depopulated the pond of every duckling or baby goose that hatched that year- we counted at least 50 went down it's gullet, and it probably pulled down at least one full-grown duck and drowned it (or at least was enjoying pulling the body underwater once someone saw it, though the actual duck-killing wasn't). Domestic ducklings, Canadian goslings- it loved baby birds and ate every one it could find.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:57 No.4316509
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)03:58 No.4316512

    I just find it very wrong when I see an invertebrate eating a mammal. Or anything other than invertebrates. That is some seriously nasty shit.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:00 No.4316520
    Because that is what they do, you prick!
    Bigger things eat smaller things, IT IS A FACT OF LIFE!
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:00 No.4316521
    Can you blame it? Killing babies is easy.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:00 No.4316525
    I'm pretty sure that turtle counts as a Heirophant.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:02 No.4316534
    Just..... wow.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:02 No.4316538

    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:04 No.4316550

    On a biological level, you should. You evolved from something that had to deal with spiders the size of beach balls, scorpions the size of men, and all sorts of other nasty creepy crawly things.

    Death to the anthropods I say!
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:04 No.4316553

    Oh, I know it was just being a predator- but back then, try telling the local kids that their pet ducks lost all their babies (and at least one adult) to the nasty ol' turtle. It literally was the only snapper in the pond- we think it probably also killed any competition as well.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:06 No.4316558
    Remember, the turtle operates on instinct, not conscious thought. If the turtle was sapient--fully aware of its actions--and ate baby birds as some kind of statement, it would count as twisted. As it was, those baby birds found out the hard way that nature counts young animals as targets of opportunity. The turtle was just doing the only thing it knew how to do.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:07 No.4316562
    At that point it's not living to reproduce, it's living to be a dick.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:07 No.4316565
    >we think it probably also killed any competition as well.

    Chaos Turtle.

    Or..."I IZ DA PONDBOSS!"
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:10 No.4316576
    Yep. Just imagine what would have happened if the kids were foolish enough to try to kill it in melee range.

    I'd say at least ten casualties.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:11 No.4316583

    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:13 No.4316592
    I still say manly tears.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:13 No.4316593
    Someone should archive this just so the story of the most badass reptile to ever exist can live on forever.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:15 No.4316604
    Also, one of my favorite random facts.

    "In 2000, an enormous supercolony of Argentine ants was found in Southern Europe (report published in 2002). Of 33 ant populations tested along the 6,004 km stretch along the Mediterranean and Atlantic coasts in Southern Europe, 30 belonged to one supercolony with estimated millions of nests and billions of workers, interspersed with three populations of another supercolony."
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:16 No.4316606
    Snapping turtle is pretty bad ass.

    But what if we add "Dire" snapping turtle to that?

    And don't tell me you it's the Dragon Turtle. No, the dragon turtle is a dire sea turtle. Made for swimming long distances.

    No, a snapping turtle is a lazy sneaky fucker who just sits there with it's mouth open, wriggling a pink tongue that looks like a worm.

    We need to stat up the Dire Giant Snapping Turtle. Cause I will sooooo use that for my 20th level druids companion,
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:16 No.4316607

    That must've been, what, two, three hundred xp for the kids, right?
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:17 No.4316614
    holy fucking shit I am laughing so hard right now
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:19 No.4316618
    Better idea.

    It disguises its mouth as a cave entrance and its tongue as a treasure chest.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:20 No.4316628
    And do you have any idea how hard it is to get rezzed in suburbia?
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:20 No.4316631
    Imagine giving those intelligence.

    Ordinary ants...with smarts.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:23 No.4316644
    So what size is the turtle first of all?

    I am thinking colassal. Seriously. This is a sixty foot wide turtle just just sits in the mud, the pond, with it's mouth open, looking like a rock formation, with a small flickering thing in the back. Too small to really tell, but it's shiny. And shiny catches things attention. Seriously. Animals and humanoids alike are attracted to the random shiny object.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:24 No.4316652

    Oh, hell yes it's one of the most badass reptiles I've ever seen- and this was 25 years ago at this point.

    This is the first time I've told the tale on a public forum, though. This just felt like the right place.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:25 No.4316658
    Aww, a cute lil' turtle!
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:27 No.4316670
    The local natural history museum has a 30 pound snapping turtle on display.

    He's broken his tank 3 times now, and has been at the museum for 15 years.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:28 No.4316676
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    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:29 No.4316683

    Dire Snapping Turtle, Explosive sounds like a helluva nasty thing to do a party.

    "Yay! We killed your Gamera wannabe!"

    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:30 No.4316690
    oh my god
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:32 No.4316700
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    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:33 No.4316708


    (also, d'awwww)
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:34 No.4316719

    what if you made the "lure" sentient? it could charm things into going into the cave, by the time the party realises the girl crying in the cave isnt really a girl, its far too late. roll for colossal crushing damage.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:36 No.4316727
    Shit dude, does that mean they can stealth.
    Oh fuck
    Stealthing snapping demon turtles... from hell.
    Except, they got ejected from hell because they made satan cry.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:36 No.4316729
    /tg/ - /turtleguys/
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:36 No.4316731
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    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:36 No.4316732
    Swarms of tiny snapping turtles, flaying the flesh from the bones of men and beast alike!
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:38 No.4316744
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    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:38 No.4316748
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    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:39 No.4316760
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    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:39 No.4316761
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    Who the hell do you think we are?!
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:40 No.4316763
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    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:40 No.4316765
    I don't care for spiders...
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:41 No.4316770
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    Alter image text as necessary.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:41 No.4316774

    sentient, numbnuts
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:41 No.4316775
    Oh sweet mother of god, they're unflankable!
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:42 No.4316778
    I would suck your dick for a version of that with out text. I don't know how to insert text over it with out fucking the background up.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:42 No.4316782

    I love spiders!

    But dis is turtle thread!
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:43 No.4316783

    ASS 2 ASS
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:45 No.4316795
    However much I want my dick sucked, I cba to do that, not to mention I probably lack the skills. Soz. Maybe another anon can deliver...?
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:47 No.4316812
    They just kind of creep me out...
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:47 No.4316813
    I love this picture, the little fucker just looks like he found the holy grail or something. Seriously, look at his face.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:47 No.4316819
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    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:50 No.4316832
    /tg/ = /Turtle, Great/
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:51 No.4316845
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    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:52 No.4316852
    I'd like to think that was intentional. "Well, fuck. I'm dead anyway; might as well wreck some shit on my way out."

    Actually, no. I'd describe the difference for you but I can't be arsed.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:53 No.4316854
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)04:55 No.4316868
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    Chewing? Fuck that, I got a schedule to keep.

    (pic unrelated)
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)05:00 No.4316895
    I have been very entertained.

    Thanks for your request.
    It has been added to our database and the thread will be archived as soon as enough request for that thread have been made.
    This thread has been requested 1 times now.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)05:01 No.4316909
    I can't help but be surprised that there are still people who don't know about /tg/s own archive.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)05:02 No.4316913
    ....havnt been here long have you?
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)05:07 No.4316949
    Whelp, now I know.

    And I don't think I'll be visiting for a while as I'll be catching up in the archive. Seahammer... Jesus Christ.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)05:11 No.4316965
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    I liek turtles!
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)05:11 No.4316971


    That's the 4chan (all boards) archive. Last I checked, there's 2 requests for archive there as well (suptg already did it).
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)05:16 No.4316999

    How does it poop?
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)05:17 No.4317004
    It's evolved beyond the need for pooping.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)05:19 No.4317024
    how does this thing take a shit? Is it doomed to fill up its shell with fecal matter and die of infection? Thats brutal...
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)06:29 No.4317518

    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)09:54 No.4318582
    I'll do it for you, since I was bored and couldn't remember the difference offhand myself.
    Basically, according to my cheapass dictionary:

    Sentient = Able to perceive things via the senses (so, basically anything that has a nervous system)
    Sapient = Knowing, wise, sage, discerning (often of irony or CONTEMPT).

    Just think of the Discworld difference between normal wood and sapient pearwood, e.g., the Luggage.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)09:58 No.4318606
    Sentient creatures have a desire for self preservation, and sapient creatures are capable of rational thought.
    >> s Lala 04/18/09(Sat)10:01 No.4318621
    Nice tyranid warhammer :D
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)10:51 No.4318864

    wow, i posted this last night. this has been dormant for a while i guess. looking at the pic again, i'm only reminded our parents told us as kids to all get out of the river at the family reunion of we saw one of these. that turtle means business. i read that they have the second highest bite force of all animals, beneath the crocodile. geez. A TURTLE with second strongest bite in the world.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)11:20 No.4319048
    funny thing is, alligator snappers aren't that aggressive. you could wade through a pond full of 'em and not know they were there. common snappers on the other hand.... wade through a pond with one and you might lose some toes.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)13:40 No.4320298
    I read a story about that.
    Some guy goes to the jungle for butterfily hunting and asks a local how come he keeps finding all these really rare species.
    The local is the thrall of some army ants who get the butterflys for him so he can buy cattle to feed them in exchange for not being eaten himself
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)14:01 No.4320486
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    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)14:03 No.4320500
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    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)14:03 No.4320507
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    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)14:04 No.4320513
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    Oh fishsticks.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)14:04 No.4320515
    You're a gay fish.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)14:05 No.4320523
    Fuck, I lol'd.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)14:10 No.4320570
    Turtle bump. Don't let this thread die or it will blow shrapnel all over the bystanders.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)14:11 No.4320587
    And possibly impale nearby waterfowl with its disembodied head.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)14:15 No.4320635
    >>4316383 Didn't someone on dirty jobs say they've found living alligator snapping turtles with musket balls from the civil war lodged in them?

    "Sah, it's some kind of SATAN"


    "CONFEDERATES, RETREAAT" (in cobra commander voice)
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)14:17 No.4320666
    Thanks for your request.
    It has been added to our database and the thread will be archived as soon as enough request for that thread have been made.
    This thread has been requested 3 times now.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)14:22 No.4320735

    'Ello beastie
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)14:26 No.4320782
    Can' t find verification on the musket ball story but this is pretty cool.

    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)14:41 No.4320955
    He'd eat anything that was in there with him and it's a small zoo
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)15:04 No.4321190
    >>4316553Oh, I know it was just being a predator- but back then, try telling the local kids that their pet ducks lost all their babies (and at least one adult) to the nasty ol' turtle. It literally was the only snapper in the pond- we think it probably also killed any competition as well.

    what the fuck is wrong with those kids? A fucking snapping turtle is a way cooler pet than some fucking ducklings.
    >> Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor 8.1 04/18/09(Sat)15:24 No.4321433

    Was wondering when someone would post something about the Komodo Dragon... Those things are by far the scariest reptiles ever. A bite on any extremity means that it must be amputated. Not venom, not poison... Bacteria. Their mouths are so dirty that the random shit living in it is more deadly than any poison.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)15:34 No.4321525
    I heard the same thing about Paris Hilton's vagina.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)15:42 No.4321622
    >> Schrödinger's Cat 04/18/09(Sat)15:45 No.4321668
    Scary bit is that that is probably true too.
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)15:49 No.4321710
    Don't forget that they can OUTRUN PEOPLE
    >> Anonymous 04/18/09(Sat)16:06 No.4321781
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    That may be true, but behold, the biggest asshole in the animal kingdom - the mantis shrimp.

    If you put this fucker in a tank, it will kill every other animal in the tank and then DESTROY THE TANK.
    >> Anonymous 04/19/09(Sun)02:41 No.4322290
    That's hardcore.
    But anyway, I think the fucker at the zoo is named Mortimer or something.
    >> Anonymous 04/19/09(Sun)02:57 No.4322386
    scorpians that hovar without flapping their wings
    >> Anonymous 04/19/09(Sun)03:00 No.4322411
    >> Anonymous 04/19/09(Sun)03:08 No.4322468
    >> Anonymous 04/19/09(Sun)03:17 No.4322542
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