I think we found what the nids were running from.

>>4316249
the diskworld?

is that an alligator snapping turtle?! that is not a pet, sir.

This'll end well

>>4316262
OH MY GOD

its like all modern turtles, even Galapagos, are all like I'm a harmless turtle. I'm slow and eat worms and grass. Then you have Alligator snapping turtles who got every last bit of scary old world reptile that was allotted to turtle kind. and they get fucking huge.

DEAR LORD WHY DO YOU HAVE A SNAPPING TURTLE AS A *PET*

THOSE THINGS ARE TERRIFYING

<----

head of alligator snapping turtle. though at second notice one is pic is just a normal snapping turtle. still not a good idea on your part to have one.

It was better the first time.

>>4316298
>modern turtles
>not dangerous

You, sir, have not seen what they do to pigeons.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98ako31Qwss

>>4316340
Oh god what.

I like the music. Quite fitting.

>>4316340
or to dogs or anything thats in biting distance

At the zoo here they have on that's about three hundred pounds.
They can't put the fucker in any exhibit and they don't have room to give it is own. So they keep him in a giant tub in the back

>>4316369
>They can't put the fucker in any exhibit and they don't have room to give it is own.
holy shit

Is it wrong that I immediately thought of this song playing when the turtle ATE THE PIGEON?
Om nom nom, Pigeon?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMWi7CLoZ2Q

Didn't someone on dirty jobs say they've found living alligator snapping turtles with musket balls from the civil war lodged in them?

Ah. the nastiest sonfabitch turtle around. When I was a child, we had one in our local pond that amused itself by eating every little duckling in the pond one spring- you'd be watching a mama duck with her brood, and the snappers head would pop up behind one and *plip* down the little duckling went under the water, never to be seen again. Well, not alive anyway.

The children of the area decided this beast needed to die. And when our duckling-killer finally was caught (with a rather large bird net), nobody wanted to get close enough the thing to kill it. So there it sat in the middle of the local cul-de-sac, glaring hate at the stupid ape-children.

Suddenly the Mother Brain music from Super Metroid is playing in my head.

>>4316384

Someone gets the bright idea to blow up the turtle, and this being children who don't care about silly things like explosives, an M-80 was procured, taped to a long stick and the fuse lit, with the little chunk-o-dynamite then used to poke the snapper in question in the head with the intention of slaying the dinner-plate-sized shellhead.

A brief snapping sound ensued. The M-80....vanished along with a good inch of stick. Yes, our reptilian villian ATE the thing.

And the fuse was waterproofed and didn't go out. The beast glared at us all for a second, it's beak working.

Then it didn't so much explode as it spread itself across most of the cul-de-sac. As snapper scrapnel. I looked down to find one nail had just managed to break the skin on my forearm, while the stick wielder was peppered with small holes at shin height where shards of snapper had gone through his blue jeans and flayed much of the skin off his shins in the process.

>>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alligator_snapping_turtle
>>Though not a primary food source for them, Alligator snappers have been known to kill actual alligators they have been confined with, such as in a net, small bog, or poorly-planned aquarium display
>>Alligator snappers have been known to kill actual alligators
>>kill actual alligators

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

>>4316340
Holy shit, that fucking thing killed the pidgeon instantly.

It just casually strolled up onto the beach, and WHAMPOWSNAP and then dragged the dead pidgeon back underwater.

>>4316414
Manly tears for the fallen hero ;_;

I always find it amusing, when people think the dragon trutle is a silly D&D monster.

It's a Huge-sized Alligator Snapping Turtle. Just let that sink in for a minute.

>>4316414
ALLIGATOR SNAPPER TURTLES MAKE EXCELLENT FRAG GRENADES

>>4316414
good, that fucker injured you little faggots while dying meaninglessly.

>>4316414
I lol'd
You sick fuck

>>4316414

A vicious snapping fragmentation grenade.
By the gods, that is genious!

>>4316414
you and your friends are and/or were fucking retarded. What did you think was going to happen?

>>4316435
>>It's a Huge-sized Alligator Snapping Turtle. Just let that sink in for a minute.

No thanks, I'd like to sleep tonight.

>>4316414
Well, that's a good lesson for later in life: "Don't detonate snapping turtles unless you're in cover."

>>4316445
>>4316437

fragmind

>>4316448
A movie when somebody explodes all solid masses in their body turns into harmless jelly, or mist

>>4316414
He knew what was going on and decided to punish you both using his own corpse.

THAT IS HOW HARDCORE THESE FUCKERS ARE

>>4316414

On the other side of the street, a Canadian goose was hit- a truly horrible sound, like someone had punted the thing with a steel-toed boot. And then keeled over, quite dead with the snapper's head (now mostly mashed into goo,save for the beak) buried in it's chest.

The shell was all that remained, intact, rocking back and forth a bit and steaming slightly, reamed out. For about three feet in a circle around, the cul-de-sac was painted a Nurgle-esque mix of green, red, and black from pureed snapper turtle- a beast so hateful it maimed it's killers and managed to take a full grown bird with it on the way out. We found bits of claw or turtle bone in car bumpers and vinyl siding for weeks afterwards. The shell stayed where it was- nobody wanted to touch the thing and finally the local garbage truck ended up smashing it to pieces running it over.

I don't get near the fuckers anymore. Ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PO5ifLzLYiU

I love these videos.

In terms of animal dickery, however, this will always take the cake.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VklTs-Tid_I

>>4316467
>a beast so hateful it maimed it's killers and managed to take a full grown bird with it on the way out

Christ.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UROVfmY3NTA
Centipedes that eat bats, by the way.

Just remember one of these when you fight a giant centipede in D&D

>Huge snapping alligator turtle

Fuck, well, I know what my island dwelling lizardfolk worships as a totem beast now.

Hell, I can say the armor and helmet he wears is made of a baby one. Still large enough to give a medium sized creature a breastplate and large shield.

OH GOD IT'S A ROGUE ARMORED BIO TITAN

WE'RE FUCKED

>>4316430

That turtle was no hero, though it died well. It literally depopulated the pond of every duckling or baby goose that hatched that year- we counted at least 50 went down it's gullet, and it probably pulled down at least one full-grown duck and drowned it (or at least was enjoying pulling the body underwater once someone saw it, though the actual duck-killing wasn't). Domestic ducklings, Canadian goslings- it loved baby birds and ate every one it could find.

>>4316340
NOM!

>>4316489

I just find it very wrong when I see an invertebrate eating a mammal. Or anything other than invertebrates. That is some seriously nasty shit.

>>4316499
Because that is what they do, you prick!
Bigger things eat smaller things, IT IS A FACT OF LIFE!

>>4316499
Can you blame it? Killing babies is easy.

I'm pretty sure that turtle counts as a Heirophant.

>>4316521
Just..... wow.

>>4316512
hahaha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0CGkD4mcuQ

>>4316512

On a biological level, you should. You evolved from something that had to deal with spiders the size of beach balls, scorpions the size of men, and all sorts of other nasty creepy crawly things.

Death to the anthropods I say!

>>4316521

Oh, I know it was just being a predator- but back then, try telling the local kids that their pet ducks lost all their babies (and at least one adult) to the nasty ol' turtle. It literally was the only snapper in the pond- we think it probably also killed any competition as well.

>>4316534
Remember, the turtle operates on instinct, not conscious thought. If the turtle was sapient--fully aware of its actions--and ate baby birds as some kind of statement, it would count as twisted. As it was, those baby birds found out the hard way that nature counts young animals as targets of opportunity. The turtle was just doing the only thing it knew how to do.

>>4316553
At that point it's not living to reproduce, it's living to be a dick.

>>4316553
>we think it probably also killed any competition as well.

Chaos Turtle.

Or..."I IZ DA PONDBOSS!"

>>4316562
Yep. Just imagine what would have happened if the kids were foolish enough to try to kill it in melee range.

I'd say at least ten casualties.

>>4316414

coolstorybro.jpg

I still say manly tears.

Someone should archive this just so the story of the most badass reptile to ever exist can live on forever.

Also, one of my favorite random facts.

"In 2000, an enormous supercolony of Argentine ants was found in Southern Europe (report published in 2002). Of 33 ant populations tested along the 6,004 km stretch along the Mediterranean and Atlantic coasts in Southern Europe, 30 belonged to one supercolony with estimated millions of nests and billions of workers, interspersed with three populations of another supercolony."

Snapping turtle is pretty bad ass.

But what if we add "Dire" snapping turtle to that?

And don't tell me you it's the Dragon Turtle. No, the dragon turtle is a dire sea turtle. Made for swimming long distances.

No, a snapping turtle is a lazy sneaky fucker who just sits there with it's mouth open, wriggling a pink tongue that looks like a worm.

We need to stat up the Dire Giant Snapping Turtle. Cause I will sooooo use that for my 20th level druids companion,

>>4316414

That must've been, what, two, three hundred xp for the kids, right?

>>4316384
>>4316414
>>4316467
>>4316499
holy fucking shit I am laughing so hard right now

>>4316606
Better idea.

It disguises its mouth as a cave entrance and its tongue as a treasure chest.

>>4316576
And do you have any idea how hard it is to get rezzed in suburbia?

>>4316604
Imagine giving those intelligence.

Ordinary ants...with smarts.

So what size is the turtle first of all?

I am thinking colassal. Seriously. This is a sixty foot wide turtle just just sits in the mud, the pond, with it's mouth open, looking like a rock formation, with a small flickering thing in the back. Too small to really tell, but it's shiny. And shiny catches things attention. Seriously. Animals and humanoids alike are attracted to the random shiny object.

>>4316592

Oh, hell yes it's one of the most badass reptiles I've ever seen- and this was 25 years ago at this point.

This is the first time I've told the tale on a public forum, though. This just felt like the right place.

Aww, a cute lil' turtle!

The local natural history museum has a 30 pound snapping turtle on display.

He's broken his tank 3 times now, and has been at the museum for 15 years.

>>4316658
D'AWWW TURTLE HAS BEEN ENGAGED.

>>4316606

Dire Snapping Turtle, Explosive sounds like a helluva nasty thing to do a party.

"Yay! We killed your Gamera wannabe!"

*SHA-BOOM*

>>4316676
oh my god

>>4316676
DUDE THAT THING IS ON HIS HAND WHAT THE FUCK FUCK DUDE SHIT THAT THING IT IS ON HIS HAND FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

>>4316676

IS THAT A TINY TURTLE?

(also, d'awwww)

>>4316644

what if you made the "lure" sentient? it could charm things into going into the cave, by the time the party realises the girl crying in the cave isnt really a girl, its far too late. roll for colossal crushing damage.

>>4316700
Shit dude, does that mean they can stealth.
Oh fuck
Stealthing snapping demon turtles... from hell.
Except, they got ejected from hell because they made satan cry.

/tg/ - /turtleguys/

>>4316247
:)

>>4316676
SUDDENLY
Swarms of tiny snapping turtles, flaying the flesh from the bones of men and beast alike!

>>4316247

>>4316732
GO FORTH AND DESTROY.

DAAAWWWW SPIDER HIJACK!

Who the hell do you think we are?!

NOT EVEN YOUR DELICIOUS STRAWBERRIES ARE SAFE

>>4316760
I don't care for spiders...

>>4316761
Alter image text as necessary.

>>4316558

sentient, numbnuts

>>4316761
Oh sweet mother of god, they're unflankable!

>>4316770
I would suck your dick for a version of that with out text. I don't know how to insert text over it with out fucking the background up.

>>4316628

I love spiders!

But dis is turtle thread!

>>4316761

ASS 2 ASS

>>4316778
However much I want my dick sucked, I cba to do that, not to mention I probably lack the skills. Soz. Maybe another anon can deliver...?

>>4316782
They just kind of creep me out...

>>4316763
I love this picture, the little fucker just looks like he found the holy grail or something. Seriously, look at his face.

>>4316782

INDEED.

/tg/ = /Turtle, Great/

>>4316832

>>4316414
>>4316467
I'd like to think that was intentional. "Well, fuck. I'm dead anyway; might as well wreck some shit on my way out."

>>4316774
Actually, no. I'd describe the difference for you but I can't be arsed.

>>4316845
HA!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdX7wcoycuQ&feature=related
Chewing? Fuck that, I got a schedule to keep.

(pic unrelated)

I have been very entertained.

Thanks for your request.
It has been added to our database and the thread will be archived as soon as enough request for that thread have been made.
This thread has been requested 1 times now.

>>4316895
I can't help but be surprised that there are still people who don't know about /tg/s own archive.

>>4316895
....havnt been here long have you?
suptg?

>>4316909
>>4316913
Whelp, now I know.

And I don't think I'll be visiting for a while as I'll be catching up in the archive. Seahammer... Jesus Christ.

I liek turtles!

>>4316909

http://4chanarchive.org/brchive/main.php?mode=submit

That's the 4chan (all boards) archive. Last I checked, there's 2 requests for archive there as well (suptg already did it).

>>4316761

How does it poop?

>>4316999
It's evolved beyond the need for pooping.

>>4316761
how does this thing take a shit? Is it doomed to fill up its shell with fecal matter and die of infection? Thats brutal...

>>4316999
>>4317024

hivepoop?

>>4316852
I'll do it for you, since I was bored and couldn't remember the difference offhand myself.
Basically, according to my cheapass dictionary:

Sentient = Able to perceive things via the senses (so, basically anything that has a nervous system)
Sapient = Knowing, wise, sage, discerning (often of irony or CONTEMPT).

Just think of the Discworld difference between normal wood and sapient pearwood, e.g., the Luggage.

>>4318582
Sentient creatures have a desire for self preservation, and sapient creatures are capable of rational thought.

Nice tyranid warhammer :D

>>4316307

wow, i posted this last night. this has been dormant for a while i guess. looking at the pic again, i'm only reminded our parents told us as kids to all get out of the river at the family reunion of we saw one of these. that turtle means business. i read that they have the second highest bite force of all animals, beneath the crocodile. geez. A TURTLE with second strongest bite in the world.

funny thing is, alligator snappers aren't that aggressive. you could wade through a pond full of 'em and not know they were there. common snappers on the other hand.... wade through a pond with one and you might lose some toes.

>>4316631
I read a story about that.
Some guy goes to the jungle for butterfily hunting and asks a local how come he keeps finding all these really rare species.
The local is the thrall of some army ants who get the butterflys for him so he can buy cattle to feed them in exchange for not being eaten himself

TURTLES ARE MY FAVORITE ANIMALS!
FUCK YEAH, /TURTLEGUYS/!

>>4320486
MY CURRENT CHARACTER IN DnD IS A TORTLE! THEY ROCK!

>>4320500

Oh fishsticks.

>>4320513
You're a gay fish.

>>4320507
Fuck, I lol'd.

Turtle bump. Don't let this thread die or it will blow shrapnel all over the bystanders.

>>4320570
And possibly impale nearby waterfowl with its disembodied head.

>>4316383 Didn't someone on dirty jobs say they've found living alligator snapping turtles with musket balls from the civil war lodged in them?

"Sah, it's some kind of SATAN"

PEW PEW PEW

"CONFEDERATES, RETREAAT" (in cobra commander voice)

Thanks for your request.
It has been added to our database and the thread will be archived as soon as enough request for that thread have been made.
This thread has been requested 3 times now.

>>4316247

'Ello beastie

Can' t find verification on the musket ball story but this is pretty cool.

http://www.bioedonline.org/news/news.cfm?art=3393

>>4316372
He'd eat anything that was in there with him and it's a small zoo

>>4316553Oh, I know it was just being a predator- but back then, try telling the local kids that their pet ducks lost all their babies (and at least one adult) to the nasty ol' turtle. It literally was the only snapper in the pond- we think it probably also killed any competition as well.

what the fuck is wrong with those kids? A fucking snapping turtle is a way cooler pet than some fucking ducklings.

>>4316868

Was wondering when someone would post something about the Komodo Dragon... Those things are by far the scariest reptiles ever. A bite on any extremity means that it must be amputated. Not venom, not poison... Bacteria. Their mouths are so dirty that the random shit living in it is more deadly than any poison.

>>4321433
I heard the same thing about Paris Hilton's vagina.

>>4316732
ACH! SAVE ME FROM THE WEE TURTLES!!

>>4321525
Scary bit is that that is probably true too.

>>4321433
Don't forget that they can OUTRUN PEOPLE

>>4316369

That may be true, but behold, the biggest asshole in the animal kingdom - the mantis shrimp.

If you put this fucker in a tank, it will kill every other animal in the tank and then DESTROY THE TANK.

>>4321781
That's hardcore.
But anyway, I think the fucker at the zoo is named Mortimer or something.

>>4316770
scorpians that hovar without flapping their wings

>>4322386
FUCK

DEADLY CREATURES: TURTLE EDITION

>>4316683

John PUNCHS GAMERA