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  • File :1241510845.gif-(58 KB, 300x461, zeus.gif)
    58 KB Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)04:07 No.4471600  
    So after checking out some ancient mythology, paying special attention to divine dickery, I came to conclusion that all gods are Xom.

    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)11:36 No.4471751
    "Xom turns his attention at you for a moment."
    "You feel a sudden attraction to a bull!"
    "Xom is amused!"
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)11:48 No.4471818
    "The mistletoe hits! Ouch, that really hurt!"
    "You die..."
    "Xon finds this hilarious!"
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)11:52 No.4471843
    "Xom is bored."
    "Your house collapses!"
    "Your entire family is killed!"
    >> Bacon Golem 05/05/09(Tue)11:53 No.4471850
    "Why is my entire family turned to salt?"
    "Xom doesn't have to answer your questions!"
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)11:59 No.4471890
    "You destroy the city walls by blowing on your horn for seven days."
    "Xom is amused."
    >> I apologized on 4chan 05/05/09(Tue)12:00 No.4471891
    I dunno. God is clearly Xom, but a lot other gods have their own brand of dickery.

    Heck, Zeus practically invented divine dickery. His however was less random, more the sort of dickery you'd get with a drunk quarterback with near infinite power. He was basically Asshole Prime. The Omega and Alpha of assholes.

    Apollo and Hermes were sticky fingered bastards, Aphrodite was a slut, Haephastus was bitter and twisted, though not without good reason, Ares was a Dick, Athena never got any respect, and Hera was a shreiking madwoman who was forced into marrying her brother and got routinely locked up in cages to teach her a lesson.
    It's pretty damn telling that the least fucked up one of them was Hades.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:01 No.4471904
    You were impregnated by a shower of gold.
    Xom is pleased.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:02 No.4471915
    That's because he basically said 'fuck you guys and your mountain' and went to the Underworld to have his own crib.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:06 No.4471943
    All gods belong to the Exxon Mobil cooperation?


    So, God is really out for all the oil?
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:07 No.4471946
    no, Hades lost the dice roll and got stuck down there. Zeus won like the lucky bastard he is and got the sky, Poseidon came second and got the sea, but he thought the sea was best anyways so he was cool with it.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:08 No.4471950
    I don't know much of Eastern mythos, but I heard Japan had some fucked up shit (as usual). Please to be giving examples to compare with the normal Greek/Jewish/Christian/Egyptian/Norse.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:08 No.4471952
    But see, that's the random part. Xom's so fucking unpredictable we made a different god for each of his "personalities".
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:09 No.4471954
    Given all the shit the greeks and their gods did I think Poseidon was right
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:09 No.4471957
    Go read yourself some Scion.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:10 No.4471959
    Number 3.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:10 No.4471962
    Also invented beastiality.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:10 No.4471964
    Thanky kindly!
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:14 No.4471986
    Although his plan to get a wife was less than inspired.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:14 No.4471988

    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:24 No.4472045
    Ascribing the arbitrary nature of the universe to a deity fails occum's razor.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:27 No.4472057

    Zeus put the dick in dickery.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:28 No.4472062
    Did he come inside?
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:28 No.4472063
    Pisodon in Latin actually means "Penis Image".
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:28 No.4472069
         File :1241540918.jpg-(32 KB, 300x375, hancock.jpg)
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    >Heck, Zeus practically invented divine dickery. His however was less random, more the sort of dickery you'd get with a drunk quarterback with near infinite power. He was basically Asshole Prime.

    >Hera was a shreiking madwoman who was forced into marrying her brother and got routinely locked up in cages to teach her a lesson.

    All the sudden I wanna see Hancock again. I'm starting to think he and Mary were Zeus and Hera.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:28 No.4472070
    Zeus put the dick in everything.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:28 No.4472071
    He always does.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:28 No.4472072
    I remember a story where Zeus turned into a swan and when a girl came over because of how beautiful the swan was he jumped her and raped her. Cool guy.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:29 No.4472074

    Hades did kidnap a woman to rape / make his bride. Granted, she liked it and it's still better than most of the other gods but Hades was not exactly a saint.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:31 No.4472092
    >Hades was not exactly a saint.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:32 No.4472098
    Well of course he wasn't. he IS fucking hades after all.
    >> I apologized on 4chan 05/05/09(Tue)12:33 No.4472106

    Agreed, never has any other pantheons Big God (IE Ra, Odin, Vishnu etc) ever really be such a collosal dick than Zeus.
    This guy? Committed adultery SO many times it wasn't even funny. Just about EVERY hero in classical greek legends was Zeus's kid.
    This did not make Hera a happy bunny, and considering that she was never the most stable person in the first place, that's not good.

    Also, did Athena ever do any dickery, like, at all? Everyone else has their dickish moment, but everyone seems to leave Athena alone.
    I mean heck, even Artemis had her moments of dickery, what with turning Callisto into a bear, and I think she blinded Orion just for walking in on her in the bath.

    Dont even get me STARTED on the dickery involving Tieresias, the Oracle of Thebes.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:33 No.4472108
    Wrong. Zues, Poesidon, and Hades drew straws to see who got what plane. Zues got the sky, Big P got the sea, and Hades drew the short straw and was stuck with the underworld. He then went, "Fuck you guys," and started dicking around with stuff whenever he could.

    Also, dude kidnapped his niece to fuck him because he was lonely. Not sane.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:35 No.4472117
    Well more of a saint than in most other mythologies, at least compared to the rest of the gods.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:35 No.4472119

    Athena had some dickery with Arachne - turning her into a spider after a weaving contest.

    Other than that... not that I can recall.
    >> I apologized on 4chan 05/05/09(Tue)12:36 No.4472130

    Didn't Hades actually agree to let her live in earth for half the year as well? Seriously, Zeus would have locked her in a gold cage until she learnt to stop giving him lip.
    He'd then forget about her because he found some new chick and not come back until 200 years later.

    Seriously, Hades was probably the least dickish out of all of them.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:38 No.4472143
    >Seriously, Hades was probably the least dickish out of all of them.

    Yet he was the one who became the bad guy in Disney's version. There's no justice.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:39 No.4472151

    Kinda. Persephone's mom (Demeter) got depressed because HAdes kidnapped her daughter. Demeter being depressed was bad because she's the goddess of agriculture and nature and shit. So when her mood went downhill so did the weather.

    Eventually Zeus stopped putting his dick in things long enough to get the three of them together to find a solution. Originally, persephone was going to go to her mum, full custody and all but Persephone said she'd stay half a year with Hades and the other half with her mom (after all, Persephone likes a good rapefic).

    This explains the seasons.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:40 No.4472162
         File :1241541659.jpg-(94 KB, 753x908, hades-peeved.jpg)
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    Guess what'll happen to those Disney guys when they die.

    Go on. Guess.
    >> I apologized on 4chan 05/05/09(Tue)12:41 No.4472164

    The Arachne thing was Athena? Are you sure that wasn't Hera being her usual bunny-boiler self?

    Even so, that's still pretty good track record given her parents.
    I get the feeling that Athena was the one who went about doing damage control for the other god's dickery. I seem to recall her being responsible for putting orion and callisto as a constellation as a "sorry about the dickery, here, why don't we make you an immortal celestial body instead!"

    I'm pretty sure she was also the one who gave tiersias his ability to see the future and talk to birds.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:42 No.4472175
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:43 No.4472183
         File :1241541824.png-(11 KB, 595x286, Trollface.png)
    11 KB
    I dunno but i have feeling they'll look just like this when they see you.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:43 No.4472186

    Loki was basically the /b/tard of Åsgård, though. He wasn't even a proper god. He just hung with them for the sole purpose for spreading chaos.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:44 No.4472190
         File :1241541871.jpg-(22 KB, 444x366, i love this thread so .jpg)
    22 KB
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:45 No.4472199
    Yeah loki was a douchebag, but a fucking awesome one at that.
    >> I apologized on 4chan 05/05/09(Tue)12:45 No.4472202

    You know, I've been on 4chan for about 4 to 5 years now...
    And honestly, that's the first time I've ever heard anyone say that on the internet.

    Weird huh?
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:47 No.4472214
    >I don't know much of Eastern mythos, but I heard Japan had some fucked up shit (as usual). Please to be giving examples to compare with the normal Greek/Jewish/Christian/Egyptian/Norse.

    Japanese Mythology basically states the Japanese Islands are made of cum. Also, If I remember correctly one of their creation gods was killed, locked in a cave, then brutally raped to make a god of death.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:48 No.4472223
    Yeah, definitely Xom. All of them.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:48 No.4472231
    Just like /b/, Loki knew when to take a joke way too far.

    He polymorphed into a female horse to fuck with a Giant who was horseracing, then became pregnant with a superhorse.

    That's dedication to dickery.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:49 No.4472235
    Artemis transformed Acteon into a lamb(or something of the like) and made his own dogs eat him after he saw her taking a bath.

    The Orion thing was Phebo's doing. He was like "hey sis, I bet you can't hit that black point on the sea with your arrow", Diana promptly hit the thing, only to later find out that the black point was Orion, her lover.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:50 No.4472237

    From wikipedia:

    n Greco-Roman mythology, Arachne (pronounced /ə-ˈræk-ni/) was a great mortal weaver who boasted that her skill was greater than that of Minerva, the Latin parallel of Pallas Athena, goddess of crafts. The offended goddess set a contest between the two weavers but, according to Ovid,[1] the mortal weaver's subjects, the loves of the gods, was so offensive that Minerva destroyed Arachne's tapestry and loom. Ultimately, the goddess turned Arachne into a spider.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:51 No.4472255

    It was a deer, not a lamb. But yeah, she's a cunt.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:53 No.4472269
         File :1241542427.jpg-(198 KB, 1050x1050, Laoconte.jpg)
    198 KB
    This guy got it worse.
    >> Anonymous 05/05/09(Tue)12:54 No.4472280
         File :1241542490.jpg-(53 KB, 600x447, WhatsOperaDoc.jpg)
    53 KB
    Loki == Bugs Bunny

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