We have animals with a duck's beak, a beaver's body and poisonous claws.

We have one continent full of frightening animals, like spiders that can kill snakes.

And if you don't know what these creatures, then Google it you fucking alien.

Depending on the region of the planet, my species can have different amounts of a protein called "melanin" in their outer skin layers. Groups of us with different amount of melanin have declared frequent wars of enslavement and extermination on others.

The atmosphere is oxygen based. As in, the stuff that corrodes metal, and allows fire to burn freely. Sometimes, there are these things called "brush fires" that can be miles across.

On my homeworld, the remains of giants are the blood of the earth. My people leech it off to make small toys which we put in a grinning red box which is sold at the Golden Arches.

A substantial portion of the atmosphere is made up of rocket fuel. The dominant species of the planet breathes the atmosphere and filters out that particular portion for nourishment.

Some of the organisms we call 'homo sapiens' have a fault in their brain that makes them want to be other kinds of organisms. They make protective layers out of various artificial materials that are shaped like these organisms, in which they perform unusual mating habits and behavior.

No one else of the homo sapiens species likes these guys.

>>4537646

Ooh, that was a nice one.

The dominant species of my homeworld regularly poisons themselves as a form of recreation. Some individuals do it on a daily basis, and this poison use is considered a means of relaxation.

On my home world, we are addicted to a by-product of fossilized bone. We use it to power our large titan bodies in which we terraform the world in our image.

>>4537658
lol

On my homeworld, there is the Eye of Argon...

the grand artificers of our homeworld have learned the true methods of alchemy, being able to synthesize any metal or element known to man by using the power of a burning star.

This organism is called a cat.

I will leave you alone in a room with this cat for 24 hours with the door locked.

If you survive, you shall fear nothing anymore.

Except the cat.

>>4537699

Thanks for starting the intergalactic war, asshole.

On my homeworld, one species has the most peculiar habit of deliberately imbibing poisons as a means of recreation.

On my homeworld, there are flying creatures that lay their eggs under the skin of larger organisms. When the eggs hatch, the larvae feed on its living tissues until they reach maturity, at which point they chew their way out of the wound and take off. These parasitoids are big enough to see, and some species are specialized at targeting the local sentients.

On my homeworld there are people that imagine their own genitals on the opposite sex but claim as long as there are also female genitals, it is not homosexual.

>>4537752
On my homeworld, there are trolls.

On my planet, there are organisms which neither hunt nor graze, but sap the life from another creature through prolonged exposure.

On my planet, most lifeforms excrete flammable material.

Among my people, mutilation of certain organisms is seen as mandatory. Using the age-old bones of giants in machines of steel and fire, we crush and slice up these livings things as amusement, status, or occupation. We call these organisms "grass" and plant and breed them in most areas solely to wait until we can decapitate them again.

>>4537752
If fucking a girl in the vagina is gay, I don't want to be straight

On our world, there is this creature, one of the largest land animals alive in the modern era. This large, grey beast bears huge curved teeth that protrude from it's maw to gore it's foes, and both it's nasal and penile tissue shape and move as a living hose. It has a habit of rampaging and sometimes even raiding our settlements for foodstuffs. Some accounts even claim they steal our fermented ethanol we process from plant life to drink for recreational disassociation from reality.

Often, hunter/gatherers will hunt these massive beasts for their huge teeth, which is a valuable commodity in most regions of our world, though many will also frown upon the harm of a beast that will just as soon kill you as thank you. A practice of use of this BeastTooth is to create small blocks used in a huge musical instrument that works by striking taunt fibers to produce tones.

We call these fearsome creatures Elephants.

On my homeworld there is problem.

>>4537684
>>4537646

petroleum does not work that way

>>4537771

>I can´t read.

>>4537744
Until I looked it up on Wiki I thought that was a hollowed-out finger instead of a plant stem. Thank god

On my home world, there is a vest network of tunnels all attached to boxes with stepping stones and little smooth spheres given a vermin moniker. Many people of our kind would spend their entire life cycles touching the stepping stones and moving the spheres in ritualistic favor. Reasons behind these strange anti rational behaviors are unkown. Though it is thought to be worship dedicating to a pagan god of Felidae.

>>4537642
Sounds better if you say

"Everything on earth breaths an explosive gas"

On our world, a large portion of the dominant species is comprised of a subspecies who leech off the hard-working, genetically superior elite. These thuggish under-men steal frequently, and are extremely violent.

On my homeworld we watch fictitious people do wonderful and beautiful things and think that's enough.

This is what happened to the last visitor that asked me about the 'beauty of the planet'.

On my homeworld, despite being the most violent and blood-thirsty race in the universe, we often-times make up species and races stronger then ourselves just to be entertained.

On my planet, we are obsessed with patterns. Everything must have a pattern. One of our most popular pattern constructs is called music. My people manipulate wavelengths of energy and vibration into repetitious waves that we have specialized organs to sense. We then organize these waves of energy by frequency, stack them upon each other, manipulate their creation and pattern of organization, and weave them together to make unique patterns solely to observe them again and again. Composition of music is a very respectable occupation on my homeworld.

>>4537833
>music

>respectable

On my homeworld, there are those who imagine physically impossible acts performed by physically impossible imaginary members of our race, and masturbate to these relentlessly.

on my homeworld, the inhabitants seem to be focused on only gaining access to the opposite sex in an intimate way. often, intoxicated, they will create a child together, they then kill it and pull it from the womb.

due to main focus being on reproduction, they have overpopulated their planet, and have no means to reduce the suffering this is causing.

Some species have bloated, carbohydrate-rich genitalia that they wave in the air above them. We often tear off these genitals and eat them, or squeeze them to drink the juice.

>>4537794
I don't get this one.

>>4537852
I lol'ed

>>4537784
And that problem is the Jew.

>>4537860
I assume the vermin are called mice.

>>4537735
>>4537680
On my homeworld, our brightest minds actively encourage the use of deadly poisons and hazardous substances. They've found my species thrives on such poisons. Curing aches, pains, and illnesses once thought deadly are now considered childhood sniffles.

>>4537860
me neither

For my species, pain is a sexual stimulant.

>>4537658
> No one else of the homo sapiens species likes these guys.

I lol'd.

My species delights in breaking the spirits of proud vicious predators and keeping them as slaves.

>>4537939
In one such group of predators, it is common practice to amputate the fingers of the slave in order to render them unable to work through their natural urges.

>>4537939
Niggers were only proud after we enslaved them... and then they were proud because we... freed them... wait a second...

>>4537795
And there are billions of cessile organisms making that flammable, combustible gas--whole forests of them!

>>4537960
In all cases, my species delights in the removal of all sexual organs and sees this as doing the slaves a favor.

>>4537965
Taking a moment to figure it out?

On my homeworld, baring a mouth filled with teeth is considered a friendly greeting.

My world is known for potatoes and stereotypical drunkards.

VELKOM TU CHECK SLOVAKIA!

On my homeworld, we use explosions to power great machines that carry us far distances much faster than we could carry ourselves.

We scour the world for the ashes of Titans who died eons before the first of us ever beheld the light of day.

These are ritually purified and prepared, and assembled in reliquaries of finest steel and zirconium.

The reliquary is placed in an inner sanctum of purest steel, and submerged beneath an artificial lake, for none of us could ever survive the glory of the ancient one in its full.

Around this we build a fortress monastery from cast rock and fibrous iron, as much to protect the altar and its constant as to protect the rest of the world, for if the dead God's wrath is ever provoked then calamity is sure to follow.

Night and day the priesthood then performs their ritual, summoning up the ghost of the ancient one, that its sacred flame ma empower our civilisation. Without interruption its alien whims and wishes are catered to, carefully balanced so that it will neither slip back into oblivion, nor awaken fully, for the latter denies is the flame, and the former brings disaster.

The only rest is when the dead one's glory finally fades from the ashes, when the reliquaries will be removed in their entirety and replaced, the old ones carefully watched for years to ensure that the titan's spirit in them is truly asleep again, before its final entombment in catacombs carved into the depths of the bedrock.

>>4538035
Actually, we use explosions for a lot. Explosions and patterns. Its kind of our thing.

On my home world, the dominant inhabitants smear highly flammable and toxic compounds on their bodies.

>>4538070
Humanity in a nutshell: EXPLOSIONS! FUCK YEAH!

1) It's sessile, not cessile
2) Sessile only means "not able to move" when applied to animals
3) Sessile when applied to plants means "without a stem".

In summary, you failed in every possible way to use the word "sessile" correctly. If this was a word-troll, you won.

>>4538019
its funny because the first interstellar war will be started by something as stupid as this

Certain materials on my world have the property to "transfer" negatively charged particles through them, although no actual movement on any level takes place. Even though the exact nature of this phenomenon is still hotly debated and there is no satisfying model in place, we've been using this phenomenon for generations and are now completely dependent on it.

>>4538100
You mean the electrons don't actually move like absolutely every level of my education so far insists?

>>4538086

"Animal" and "plant" are part of earth taxonomy. These groups would not exist in an alien biosphere.

Thanks for the spelling tip, though.

>>4538026
oi, get your own bit you communist rejects

>>4538100

If you're talking about electricity, you need a refund on your physics classes.

>>4538100
Band gap jumping?

>>4538094
On my planet, it is very common to drink and inhale poisons, simply to entertain my kind.

We operate fast and dangerous machines that are risky to ride in, because we enjoy going fast.

We often immerse ourselves in simulated worlds of violence and death, to live vicariously through our avatar.

Our most prized works of literature showcases the tragedy and glory of war, which is the wholescale killing of other groups of our kind.

>>4537587
Not only that, we inhale their smoked remains as well.

>>4538118

I'm fairly certain that the alien taxonomists would come up with their own words to describe "that group of earth species consisting entirely of plants" and "that group of earth species consisting entirely of animals". If you're going to argue from semantics, you may as well argue that the aliens misspelled and/or sessile.

>>4538120
I didn't pay for them, and I got my money's worth.

On my homeworld, many different kinds of flying insectoids exist. They gather in large swarms, each swarm dedicated to serving a single one of their number who produces offspring. They build enclosed structures called "hives" full of hexagonal cells which they use for storage and the development of young insectoids. But that's not the bad part. If other creatures appear to threaten their home, they attack en masse with poisoned barbs concealed in the tips of their abdomens. Not only do the poisons make these barbs very painful, their pheromonal signature attracts more members of the swarm and directs them to attack.

As I said before, many types of barbed insectoid exist on my world. Some kinds are less aggressive than others, but all can threaten someone's life if provoked. The most infamous sort, pictured here, carries a barb bearing poisons so potent that their pheromonal signature compels the entire swarm to attack, following their target for miles and waiting for the quarry to surface if it dives underwater. Many who incur these insects' wrath do not survive this overwhelming assault, the insects entering every orifice and choking them to death even as they are stung from within..

There are no gays in my homeworld.

Pic related.

>>4538100
Wait, what? I'm fairly sure that I use satisfactory models of electron transfer every day in my work, thanks.

>>4538217
That's what They want you to believe.

>>4538139
>We operate fast and dangerous machines that are risky to ride in, because we enjoy going fast.

On my planet, we enjoy ridding machines designed to create countless explosions every second just for fun. We even use them casually every single day to take us everywhere. The number of these machines easily numbers in the billions.

>>4538192

MY GOD

>>4538026
Wow, the Irish sound funny these days

>>4537658

haha nice!

>>4538057
This is the coolest description of a nuclear reactor i've ever heard.

bravo.

Also on my world depictions of war and false replications of weapons are used for entertainment for the young.

Most males of my species avoid conversation about menstruation as they find it to be a rather... distasteful issue to discuss.

Yet there is an animal whose unfertilized eggs are foraged in order to prepare a favorite morning meal among my people.

>>4538212

GOD DAMMIT.

You mother fucker. I was drinking a soda, and I almost ruined my keyboard. I don't think I have a spare in this house either.

Female humans sometimes trick the males' bodies into secreting their genetic matter into the female's feeding orifice. The female then cannibalizes the male's seed. The males enjoy this.

On my planet, the commonly accepted location of our species' origin is in a corner of a continent infamous for it's sheer inimicy to life in general, where entire regions are desolate due to sheer virulence and where many predators as large as ourselves and many times stronger roam.

The birth of my species' civilization began in the midst of a desert. Civilization began because my species forced the desert to become fertile.

My species thrives in every possible environment on our planet, including those that are worse than the cradle of our origin.

My species' greatest achievements have always been realized because of direct competition with other members. We achieve more working against one another than we do together.

My species' biological processes are entirely dependant on extremely volatile chemical compounds.

My species' anatomy contains an organ in our bodies that is capable of producing sufficient enzymes to completely liquefy our bodies many times over.

My species is awesome.

In my planet, we had slaved many species to eat them.
We keep them in jails, force feeded. We also kill their children.

>>4538057

I'm stealing that, and there's really nothing you can do about it.

>>4538254
Oh, that's understan-wait.
You mean your females LIKE talking about menstruation?

>>4538192
and let's not forget that we cultivate these insects to be able to collect their regurgitated nourishment, which is considered a delicacy

One of the favorite pastimes of our species is to dream up new and imaginative ways to kill each other faster and in greater numbers. We think up the most ridiculous excuses to do this. We call this activity "war"

If we did this as often as we wanted to, we would quickly go extinct, and so, many people play "wargames" wherein they attempt to replicate this activity without hurting each other.

On my homeworld, the young are forced into academies of learning for the first 18 years of their lives. Here, they are forced to accept the beliefs and philosophies or be branded as psychopaths.

here, the young become cruel to those who do not fit in. They pull their undergarments over their heads, and drive them to remote areas where they beat them mercilessly. If the outcasts attempt to fight back, they are labeled as psychopaths by their instructors.

On my homeworld, each and every sentient organism is a mind and personality of it's own. Every thinking, reasoning creature lives alone in the vast darkness without ever truly knowing the rich bonds between one another. Isolated in this fashion they must go through their entire life substituting the hive mind with ambiguous communication, however without an understanding of each other on this basic level misunderstanding often lead to atrocity.

On my homeworld, there is a feeling that we call "Loneliness".

>>4538298
And theese "Wargames" players, often consider themselves to be the smartest asses in the entire world.

>>4538287

good on a sandwich with peanut butter. um nom nom

There is a certain viral disease common in some parts of Earth. This disease causes its host organism to become mindlessly violent, biting and scratching anything it sees. This allows the virus to pass to a new host through the oral secretions left in the wound, zombifying another host. The virus can infect a variety of different species, and has the same behavior-modifying effect on all of them.

On our planet there are men who like to shove over ripe fruit called banana's in their anuses and then adorn wear designed for babies to make sure they do not soil the ground. Imitating the babies they will get sexually aroused whilst trying to hold back their natural bodies desire to expel the crushed fruit. Then with a moan they will expel the vast quantities of banana imagining it is feces and the masturbate.

>>4538271
We eat their unborn children.

>>4538334
Jesus fucking Christ, I hope you're not from my planet.

>>4538057
this thread just graduated into awesome.

>>4538278
Well, often females use mental or emotional antipathy as a method of exerting controll over relationships, also; if a male claims to distain a particular topic of conversation the female may find it "humorous" to bring it up and observe the male's reaction. It's also a quick way for them to rid a room of male influence.

>>4538315 On my homeworld, the young are forced into academies of learning for the first 18 years of their lives

What planet is that? Around here the young ones are generally considered too undeveloped to effectively learn anything before the age of, roughly, 5-7 years.

>>4538057
You are beyond awesome and you should feel like the Emperor for it

>>4538331
Rabies... for a second I was like; OSHI-

Someone talk about voodoo and how it gave rise to legends of zombies.

>>4538398
Modern zombies actually come from Babylonian myth, not Voodoo. Voodoo zombies lack every single last trait of modern zombies other than that they're both derp.

This is why I love Uplift so much. The rest of the galaxy either hates humans, is confused by them or thinks they're a barrel of laughs.

On our planet we think about aliens so much we probably have a drawing of you coincidentally made by someone who thought they made you up

On my planet, there exists a strain of plant that is cultivated in temperate regions. When burned, this plant emits various toxins that are extremely harmful to the inhabitants of the planet. Said inhabitants have created a vast industry based around the cultivation of this plant, which they crush and roll into small cylinders of plant fiber. They then set the cylinders on fire and inhale the toxins. This is seen as a relaxing activity.

On my world, a weapon was developed that exploited quantam physics to unleash a tectonic explosion, as well as an elecromagnetic pulse and life-scouring amounts of radiation.

When it was first in development, some of our scientists were afraid it would ignite our entire flammable atmosphere. We set it off anyway.

It leveled half a city, and irradiated the other half such that the survivor's skins began to peel off. Shadows were burned into those walls that did not collapse, still frozen in the terrified silhouettes of its victims.

Since then, this weapon has been improved by over 3000%. This picture is the resultant explosion-cloud from the test of that version.

We're still waiting for a good excuse to use it.

>>4538417
Humans excel in one technology. Holographic projection. Upon discovering the alien filled galaxy, corporations on earth poured their research into developing the best holographic projectors ever seen. Humans may not have the best ships or weapons or ... well anything useful, but they do have best holo player consumer market in the galaxy. Keep at it humans, remember what's important: Terran Idol and Earth's funniest home holovideos.

>>4538453
Note: We have so many of these weapons that we could destroy our entire planet several dozen times over if a world leader pressed a wrong button somewhere.

Most of the intelligent pre-sapient species on my planet have been hunted to near-annihilation... mostly because they're so damn tasty.

The really big ones we used for lamp oil. That shit burns really well.

On my homeworld the favourite mode of transporation is inside a flimsy metal can with glass windows and rubber wheels. We have harnessed the power of fire, allowing our metal cans to reach great speeds. The fire is fed by remains of the long dead. Our bodies were not made to withstand great forces unleashed when the metal can suffers a catastrophic failure, by fault of our or machine components, thus thousands of deaths are caused by them every full solar cycle.

>>4538464
Kilroy and Tina.
It's not a very serious comic, but one of the amusing plot points is that no one ever conquers earth because it's the porn capitol of the galaxy.

>>4538464

This is how you do it wrong

>>4538413
Well, I learned something today.

On my planet there is a massive communication grid that allows for the transmission of information at the speed of light. The entire collective knowledge of our people is stored on the grid.

Rather than use it to assimilate all knowledge to the betterment of all, my people use it to frequently store and browse often redundant information regarding copulation.

Around here, the most toxic protein known is directly injected by some, not as a form of suicide as one could think, but to make them more visually attractive.

A great deal of our fiction dealing with scientific speculation or extrapolation into our own future and our dealings with alien races portrays us as aggrandized, tenacious, and downright vicious, especially when we are threatened with extinction. We speculate that if we ever create a sapient race of machines then they will quickly try to destroy us out of irrational fear that they justify themselves as the "logical" conclusion that humanity will eventually destroy them, after centuries of effort dedicated entirely to creating them in the first place. Note that we are currently trying our damnedest to create a true AI at a number of independent institutions at this very moment. Additionally, the fiction dealing with humanity defending itself shows us committing horrible atrocities in an effort to cripple our oppressors (such as firing a weapon at their homeworld that breaks down all of the chemical compounds in it to their constituent components, leaving a floating mass of cosmic cinders in its place, while at the same time killing all the bodies that the race houses its various hive minds in. Also, this is done by a group of children,)

>>4538496
In the end everything comes from Babylonian or Sumerian myth. Once you build the first true civilization you get the chance to call "first" on almost everything that comes from that.

>>4538269
You've got it backwards, actually. It was called the Fertile Crescent for a reason. Millennia of fucking with it has caused desertification.

>>4538453
>>4538472
Thousand-headed, starfire-tipped lances that reach around the world, forged by the twin giants out of their mutual rivalry.

Where they strike a small star is born and dies, it's first and last breath a single scream that shatters fortress and mind alike, the searing light of creation obliterating all in it's reach, the sacred ground where it fell forbidden to any human.

Every day and every night we live and die in the shadow of these, for if wielded in earnest it would be our end. So it has been for generations, and if they are left to slumber, it will so remain for generations to come.

This entire thread reminds me of my anthropology classes.

>>4538559
Nah that was a bit ott. Good try though.

>>4538599
I thought it was beautiful.

On my planet we make up imaginary friends and then kill real members of our species in their name. We also maim ourselves and our offspring for this imaginary friend and offer it things we need ourselves.

We share our homeworld with untold numbers of organisms so small they cannot be seen with our eyes. Those organism often invade our bodies and destroy us from the inside. To protect ourselves from them we take the weakest members of their species and purposefully put them inside ourselves, so our bodies may learn how to counter their attacks and kill them before the brunt of their invasion forces appear. Sometimes our body cannot be trained against the invisible oppressor, so we have to ingest powerful toxins, strong enough to kill the intruders, yet not so strong to kill us. Rarely even that isn't enough. The battle is lost and we perish. We know we cannot drive the aggressors off forever, for our bodies grow weaker and break over time, so our existence centers around mending them and prolonging their proper functioning. Those organisms will feast on us eventually and we long to escape that.

>>4538609
YOU CONCEITED LITTLE BIPEDAL SHIT

HOW DARE YOU MOCK MY BELIEF IN THE GREAT PROPHET ZARQUON

YOU WILL DIE FOR YOUR INSOLENCE

>>4538192
"We must meet the threat with our valor, our blood, even our very lives to ensure that human civilization, not insect, dominates this galaxy now and always."

On my planet, there is an organism most coveted by humans which has both gills and lungs, and is capable of detecting nearby bodies of water. They are fearsomely powerful despite being only one foot high, and when endangered they have enough power to lift or crush large boulders. We call this creature the Mudkip.

>>4538636
How cute, the little oxygen-breather thinks that the germ theory of disease is a difficult concept to understand.

We rose to sapience at about the same time and we had bacteriology figured out while you were still struggling with writing. Congrats on the horrifying weapons of mass destruction. At least you got cheap electricity out of that.

>>4538609
Conversely, some people renounce all imaginary friends, and then starve millions of their own people to death, shoot millions more, and spark a series of genocidal ideological wars. And get this, they do it in the name of unity, fairness, and equality.
You're right though, the imaginary friend part is way scarier.

>>4538559 Redux:

Thousand-headed, starfire-tipped lances that reach around the world, forged by the twin giants out of their mutual rivalry.

Where they strike a small god is born and dies, its first and last breath a single scream that shatters fortress and mind alike, the searing light of creation obliterating all in it's reach, the sacred ground where it fell forbidden to any human.

Every day and every night we live and die in the shadow of these, for if wielded in earnest it would be our end. So it has been for generations, and if they are left to slumber, it will so remain for generations to come.

>>4538666
Have fun with those 100,000 years of indenture to your patron species because you couldn't evolve sapiency on your own.

>>4538666
Do you know that those oxygen-breathers made an extensive study of those germs and viruses, enough so to embetter them, make them into a weapon they could use on themselves... or other threats to them? They have a microbe that would make you shit out your brain after days of being immobilised with pain.

On my planet we use harvest the most deadliest micro-organisms known to our species and IMPROVE them to be deadlier. Our species harvest the power of a hundred stars compact together in a metal encasing, did I mention we have millions of these ready to launch with a pull of a trigger? We have a very itchy trigger finger...

>>4538673

In my world it is a common practice to assign certain objects a specific value based soley on their scarcity or luster. For centuries, these objects have been utilized to pivot a barter system, even if these objects themselves are of no use in terms of survival

>>4538673
awesome.png

I fucking hate these threads. The unsaid message is 'I feel shit about myself, I want to feel like I'm part of a badass species, even if I'm one of its most pathetic specimens'.

They're so repetitive. The same shit gets said in every thread, sometimes twice, (rocket fuel, blah blah blah). It was good once. Ages ago. Now it's just seriously pathetic.

In my homeworld we casually waste our short lifetimes enjoying very little of it. This is the norm

>>4538704
Fun fact that microbe that causes that is nothing more than a nuisance to the oxygen breathers during certain tilts of the axis of their planet. There's much worse roaming around on that planet, luckily they haven't spread these microbes outside their cluster.

>>4538428 On our planet we think about aliens so much we probably have a drawing of you coincidentally made by someone who thought they made you up

Yeah? Well on OUR planet we think about aliens so much that we probably have a picture of you attempting multiple simultaneous mating acts with one of our females.

>>4538472
We can't destroy Earth. We just can't.

Just had to drop this for accuracy.

And in our planet, the star closest to us is bright enough to blight our feeble visual sensors, our primary means of receiving information. Yet instead of abandoning the star in scorn, we build technology to do what our biological sensors could not, to observe and -eventually- tame the star itself, binding it to power our own machinery.

>>4538742
Fuck off if you don't like it. Seriously if you look at what we do, it's a wonder how we evolved to this point and how we're not all extinct.

>>4538742

OP here. This was never intended to be a "fuck yeah humanity111" thread. I was thinking more about describing earth itself in a lovecraftian or uncanny-valley sort of way.

Unfortunately, most of the posts ended up being about how awesome nuclear weapons are.

On my planet we have achieved something wonderfull. We have crafted a all consuming idea. A power beyond any that exist.

Faith is what we call it though it sometimes is called God or worship. This power has connected millions to each other. This power has allowed my race to prosper.

This power is the most frightfull thing in the galaxy. It can wipe out billions and comit the most evil crimes.
Yet it can also cloth the poor, feed the hungry, and house the homeless.

You other so called "enlightened" races should fear us. We have taken a idea and made it into a force that could exterminate the galaxy.

We simply choose not to.

In my world we use the age old compressed remains of reptiles to make objects. One example of which I ram into my excrement ejection chute. Repeatedly.

>>4538666

This poster's planet was wiped out moments later by human nuclear bombardment.

>>4538666
Satan Get!!

>>4538704
Please, that's so Bronze Age it hurts.

Goddamn humans, think you're so tough with your magic water-travel machines.

>>4538772
The fictional idea of Chaos spawned from that fear of MAD and horrible radioactive mutations don'tcha know.

On my planet, the supposed alpha predators of the savanna will not interfere with the activities of the largest landbound herbivore, which shares their environment, no matter how many of these predators are in one place. These predators possess ten sharp, deadly, fleshripping claws.

When my species learned how to attach single claws out of stone and attach them to sections of fibrous plant matter for extra reach, we drove entire species of these massive herbivores extinct.

>>4538666

Thank you for recording the last words of Senator Val'tharix before the human fleet annihilated his homeworld.

>>4538772
Remember that there's plenty of things alive in the deep places. Alien things that never beheld neither sun nor star. Blind and pale they cluster around the warmth and nourishment given to them by the planet itself, rising from the molten abyss. They may live on the same planet as us, but their world is not ours, and their gods are not for us.

>>4538673
The repeat of "star" did bother me a bit, heck knows why I never thought of using "god" there instead. Definitely works better this way.

>>4538808
Oh, a would-be bacteriologist. Back in my planet, individual, free-swimming cells get up to 20 cm - I don't know what unit of distance you use, but surely your advanced technology can figure that out!

They can synthesize everything they need to live without any outside influence - no ecosystem, no other living things. They can solve labyrinths. They can absorb the genetic code of other cells, sometimes leaving nothing behind - humanity itself uses a highly degenerate remains of an intracellular symbiote as an efficient means of producing energy.

>>4538094
You assume every other alien species has teeth.

>>4538669
Do I sense some butthurt?

My homeworld is not solid. It consists of many hundreds of huge plates of stone floating atop hot liquid rock.

Occasionally those plates smash into each other creating vibrations that destroy parts of our cities.

In addition, sometimes the aforementioned hot liquid rock pushes its way up to the surface, incinerating plants, animals and running to the sea, where it boils the water.

The places where these two types of events are most common are considered some of the most desirable places to bring your family for purposes of relaxation.

On earth they have these creatures, the more mobile ones, they roam around and go about their business.. there is nothing odd about that, but what is odd is the mating habits, all of these creatures no mater the species all come in two types. A successful offspring can only be created through the successful unity of these two variants of the species. our scientist fail to understand the reasoning behind this or the mechanism, but it is believed that this cause the massive amounts of variations found on the planet, as well as the frightening adaptability of it's various species.

>>4538783

Faith hasn't done shit, go back to Rapture Ready and fap to your Jesus fanfic.

And, atheist whinefaggotry derailment in three... two...

>>4538863
They don't have Teeth? Well Boyz it's time for the Earth Inquisition!

>>4538057
Tycho?

Oxygen isn't explosive.

How many times do we have to go over this?

>>4538914
>I don't know what explosive means.

Oxygen is highly flammable.

>>4538914
>>4538921

Try and light a tank full of pure oxygen on fire. Go ahead, I'll wait.

OH WAIT, YOU CAN'T, BECAUSE YOU NEED FUEL IN ADDITION TO AN OXIDIZER.

>>4538772
This board is full of americans. Americans tend to substitute Earth for 'America', and human for 'american'. Americans are taught to love and respect america, and to believe it is hands down the strongest, coolest and most just nation on earth. With no flaws.

They then apply this education to humanity, and come up with all this 'jet fuel' bullshit.

>>4538934
Fine then.

AMERICA has discovered how to harness the power of the atom to wreak untold destruction on our own world. Others have copied us but it is our "achievement."

>>4538926
Highly concentrated sources of oxygen promote rapid combustion. Fire and explosion hazards exist when concentrated oxidants and fuels are brought into close proximity; however, an ignition event, such as heat or a spark, is needed to trigger combustion.

Oxygen isn't explosive.

Oxygen isn't flammable.

Oxygen is an oxidizer. (Suprirse!)

The aliens probably require an oxidizer of some kind as well to live, so this won't be a shocker. Alternately, their biochemistry is so alien that we'd be as amazed by them as they are by us. (They live in an environment above boiling point, or in the vacuum of space, etc)

On my planet, we keep dangerous creatures, known to attack one another and their owners, as pets. We wear the skin of our enemies, and often consume their flesh in a great feast

Even discarding imaginary friends, there are those among us that prefer to live in whole imaginary worlds some, or even all, of the time.

Some of these worlds are rather intricate with ever-evolving ideologies that change as time progresses, others, not so much so. Many corporations have seen fit to make a profit off of these easily swayed individuals by publishing their own "worlds" and updating them as time goes on to simulate the evolution of ideologies within their "worlds."

The difference is, that, the worlds published by corporations have abstract "rules" that seem to be decided upon at a whim rather than being based on any facts of real life. Setting things by the standards of real life seems to drive these easily swayed people away, as their minds tend to be slightly slower, on average, and less likely to take in all of the rules successfully.

However, there has been one game that has done it successfully, as it actually takes place in real life. One might even say that it is "The Game" to play.

>>4538669
HAHAHA

OH WOW

>>4538949
Pretty classic american achievement really. Ability to kill loads of people really fast. The much lauded civilian function still has a long way to go before being as practical as alternatives.

On my planet, some people don't worship God.

>>4538985
Oh yeah. Cause Americans are the only ones who love to, and have perfected, killing a bunch of shit real fast. I forgot that America has existed for the entirety of human history, my bad.

>>4538949
Yeah done in AMERICA. By german scientists.

>>4539038
>by German scientists
Ha ha, no. Not all of them were any one nationality.

On my planet, reification is standard. Most people will go through their lives without realizing this is retarded, some of them being highly educated.

Good thread, guys. I would like to do an urban sprawl one, but I'm not too good with english.

>>4539037
Well, America's the only nation to have ever used nukes. Twice. For political gain.

And they're still considered the good guys.

>>4538787

God damn it, what did I tell you about petroleum not working that way?

>>4539060
MAD is all that stops further uses.

>>4538949
By a German scientist.

>>4539060
In fairness, they are the only ones that consider themselves to be good guys.

>>4539131
Protip: Nobody ever thinks they're the "bad guys"

You think Stalin knew people for generations to come would despise his name?

>>4539143
Probably. But I doubt that he thought he was a bad guy.

>>4539143
Well, I think Stalin got nailed by a particularly nasty PR trick. He's one dictator amongst many. He just happened to rule a bigger nation than most, and had very bad timing.

>>4539143
Stalin was a meglomanical sociopath. I doubt he cared.

>>4539060
Thats because the strong always write history.

Might makes right

>>4538949

Also, ever heard of TUBE ALLOYS?

6/10 for getting me and at least one other to respond.

In my home-planet, some among our most brilliant minds have devised multiple ways to destroy life before it is even created.

We use them for our personal comfort.

On our homeworld, we conquered other worlds, have domesticad the atom, and are getting the keys to collect all our knowledge, but we're still bound to a timeless cult that devours our life and stripes it of freedom and significance.

This cult was mostly based on real objects, mostly small fiber of some of our biggest sessile land-based creatures or some not ossidating metals in small pieces; now it's mostly based on abstract informatic ciphers.

This cult seems to have as an objective to put all things, ideas and works in just one scale. Which doesn't make much sense, but could be innocuos. But that's not the folly this meme, encompassing all sentient societies on our homeworld, puts on our lives.

This cult prethends that said scale, with some odd jobs played on that and with no relation to the real world, generates some "objects" that have importance per se, and -I know it's difficult to believe it- the quantity of said "objects" is by themselves equal to have an object in the same place in this scale.
I said "objects", but in truth nowdays not even the masquerade of having some real ojects with a value in the scale; there are just some numbers without the smallest of value by themselves. And yet, they can doom nations, because this scale is not even fixed, is floating every moment, and objects and even said "non-objects" can increment their supposed importance or decrement it.

(cont.)

>>4539299 (cont.)

This cult prethends to be the fundation of our civilization and be the perfect rational way to lead society, but it can't see what is coming for an individual or even great numbers on them as their destiny in this hierarchy of beings.
Yes, hierarchy of beings: because this "objecification" of inexesistant things doesn't stop to things or even ideas. Sentients theirselves have some place in the scale, and which one is on the bottom of it has no power to reach dignity, and is less than a slave to the one on the top: that sentient, the vast majority of population, is just a replacable tool for them, useful for multiplying the number of "non-objects" they claim to possess.

This cult is so mad and yet so pervasive that it doesn't even a real name encompassing all this incomprenshible yet so deliberate folly. Mostly, we speak of the non-exisisting objects, or, in a vane attempt to conserve some sanity, of the objects almost exsclysively used as a measure of the objectification, objects which by themselvs don't have another use.
We call it "money".

>>4539310

Fucking commie.

>>4539310
>>4539299

tl;dr

>>4539310
Thinking about it, I'm going to re-read the Uplift series. I read it a long time ago but remembering it now, it seems like pretty much everything the humans do should have awesomeface.jpg on the same page. Heck, it should be the terran navy flag. Everything they do in that setting is crude and pushes some alien empires into genocidal rage.

Aliens: "Oh look, some new species is developing sentience on that planet near the rim, who wants them?"
Humans: "HEY GUYS, LET'S UPLIFT DOLPHINS."
Aliens: "Wat."
Humans: "AND MONKEYS. LOL."
Aliens: "Hey, someone send a ship..."
Humans: "FTL FOR THE WIN"
Aliens: "Damn it."
Humans: "OH HEY MILLION YEAR OLD ALIEN EMPIRES, WE FOUND A LOOPHOLE IN UR LAWS. LOLOLOLOL"
Alien group 1: "You'll be our slaves, you just wait, we hate you."
Alien group 2: "You don't have to do 100,000 years of indentured service? We hate you more."
Alien group 3: "Heh, they're pissing everyone off, that's pretty funny."
Humans: "SCOUTSHIPS AWAY, HEY ALIEN GUYS WE FOUND A VAST INACTIVE ANCIENT BATTLEFLEET INVALIDATING MOST OF YOUR BELIEF SYSTEMS LOL"
Aliens: "Bastards."

>>4539395
Humans: Destined to be the trolls of the universe.

What does "uplift" mean, anyway? Did they make dolphins and monkeys sentient or something?

>>4539395

I think I just broke the wall of snot that took up residence in my sinus cavities by laughing.

Sir, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and shake your hand. But I should probably clean up the mess, first.

>>4539430

Yerp. It's a pretty good series.

>>4539430
Yes.
Through genegineering and selective breeding.

The only problem is the dolphin penis sequences.

>>4539360

I thought the idea wasn't bad.

>>4539430
Yes. Humans started various animals on their planet sentient. Nearly everything they do is along the lines of "seemed like a good idea at the time", they accidentally blundered their way into being an elder patron race by uplifting a pre-sentient race and building their own space ships without help. So the rest of the galaxy reacts with either greed, hatred, or mild amusement at the primitive race that are technically ranked at the same level as the original ancients who uplifted the first aliens.

>>4539395
Great, now I have to buy The Forever War AND whatever the first book of that series is :/ Maaaaan, I wanted to re-read Diamond Age...

And the dolphins are awesome.

>>4539498
You can skip the first book (sundiver) it's the weakest of the series, and takes place right after contact before anything interesting happens.

>>4539430
Yep.
The thing is, none of the alien races had evolved naturally. It's always goes alien race finds species with potential for sanity - they get the right to uplift them - they make them sentient - the uplifted race serves them for 100.000 (or was it 50.000? I forgot) years. The fact that humans evolved naturally is already shattering entire system of belief for aliens, and the fact that human race already uplifted TWO races (while some races who are hundreds of thousand years old are still waiting for the right to uplift at least one) is biggest troll in recorded history.

>>4539578
Just to clarify, they find sentient species and uplift them to sapience.

>>4539597
Do you have sentient and sapient backwards? or do I?

Does anyone know where I could find a torrent or rs of Uplift? I can't seem to find it through my usual channels. Except in audiobook, but fuck that shit.

>>4539622
Nah, he's got it right. Sentience=I feel stuff. Sapience=I think therefore I am. Most animals are sentient, but only humans are self aware and sapient so far. The word sentience is incorrectly used most of the time in sci-fi.

On my homeworld, there are bowls of the purest white you can imagine, so clean that they always have a walled-off section of a home to keep them safe and secure. These bowls contain water of varying colors, which is exchanged sometimes as many as three times a day by a single resident of the house. The hygiene of a bowl is very important, you see, and we invest money in cleaning supplies, to be used solely on them.

What?

The reason?

We shit in them.

>>4539644
http://www.anonib.com/bookchan/index.php?t=952

>>4539644
I listened to it as an audiobook (got a link for that), but I don't have a link to the text themselves.

>>4539690

Hell, I read slower than I listen. Mind sharing?

>>4539794
http://www.demonoid.com/files/details/1478327/5426554/

>>4539681
Many thanks. In return, what tau tits should look like.

Atheists, this is why everyone hates you. You have to turn everything into a FUCK RELIGION LOLOL I'M SO EDGY.

Kindly go kill yourselves.