once I frowned at a commissar when he wasn't looking

Sometimes, when I have sex with a particularly beautiful woman, I have them wear my uniform and vest while I make lasgun sounds into their crotch.

I... There was this one time, when I... thought this one woman might possibly have been slightly radical and a teensy bit on a chaotic side... and I didn't report her.

I'm so sorry!

Sometimes I daydream about not basing everything I do on relentlessly hating the heretics and xenos and just living my own life.

One day I was driving through an imperial hive in mah tank, hydraulics bouncing, boom boxes blaring the finest rap this side of the Eye of Terror.

inb4 mass executions

Don't tell anyone, but I think huge cathedrals aren't all that. There's just as much beauty in a simple stone church.

One time I enjoyed pooping too much.

Back on Taros. There was this Tau female (at least, I assumed it was a female) who I could have quickly and easily purged in the Emperor's name. Seriously, she was just lying there.

But... I didn't. WHY DIDN'T I PURGE HER?!

>>4698917
WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU
YOU SICK FUCK

I keep a little vegetable garden in my Dormitory.

>>4698951

On my fifth campaign around the outer rims I could have missed a headshot on purpose at an xenos seer because it reminded me far too much of my daughter.

My only daughter, who the black ships took twenty years ago.

Emperor forgive me.

THIS ONE TIME I MAY HAVE RIPPED AND TORE A LITTLE LESS THAN I SHOULD BECAUSE I COULD NOT SEE BECAUSE OF THE GROWING PILE OF GORE AND VISCERA AND IT WAS GETTING KINDA OLD AND I HAD ENOUGH OF KILLING LOYALISTS FOR ONE DAY

HOLD ON, WHICH GROUP IS THIS AGAIN

There was this one time where my Chimera wouldn't start so... I... kicked it! I kicked it hard without uttering a single word! Though it started it was like I had torn the trust and glory of it's machine spirit!!

Once upon a time, I had a nauseous feeling in my guts, so I only ate half of my rations. I was kinda glad, because after we got through slaughtering a wretched xenos, I lost my nerve and threw up what I'd eaten.

So much blood. Too much burnt Tau flesh. Seeing my fellow guardsmen cut down by their cowardly tactics. It was too much for me to bear.

But then I spotted a single, young Tau, possibly male. Something foreign welled up in my heart. I think the minor illness that had been interrupting my ability to serve the Emperor made me delirious. I thought of my own son, back on Terra Prime. The small Tau cowered, hidden from the view of everyone there. It looked so terrified and thin. I couldn't take it anymore. I approached it, fetching the rations that I hadn't eaten from my pack. It withdrew and started to shriek, but I put a finger over my lips and shushed it. The wretched xenos seemed to understand and stared at me in a cross between fear and resignation. I reached the creature and offered it the food.

The Tau gave me back an unreadable expression, then began eating. Biscuit, part of some beans, a piece of sandwich... and the eating utensil that was part of the ration. Still delirious, I could only watch in mild amusement as the young Tau got part of the spoon down its throat and slowly choked to death. I laughed. Emperor protect me, I laughed at the death of this wretched xenos. I laughed until I cried, the realization of what I'd done finally sinking in.

I had wasted the general issue meal that had been assigned to me, when a simple shot from my lasgun would have sufficed.

I am so, very, unequivocally sorry.

>>4699080

It's okay, boyo. That was Jimbo. He was the...slow one. You did me a favor actually. I was just gonna duct tape explosives to him and tell him the enemy wanted a hug.

HERSAY

>>4699061
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, SPACE MARINES OF BOTH KINDS DO THAT TO RHINOS ALL THE TIME WHEN THEY BREAK DOWN! THEY SAY ENCOURAGING THINGS LIKE "COME ON, BETSY" AND WALLOP THE DRIVE IMPELLER WITH A WRENCH, AND IT WORKS PERFECTLY!

>>4699097

Tau say "boyo?"

>>4699103

By Emperor's Damning Boots Man! I'm a Techpriest! I can't simply live by kicking like Marines!

I am shame!

>>4699142

That one does.

>>4699178

He must be Kroot then.

Uhm. I'm not really part of the whole "Emperor's warriors" thing. But one time, I found a neat book on one of the worlds we claimed. It had stories about humans that fought for the Greater Good. There was a blue note inside it that made me feel... proud of humans, though.

It was written by some ancient scribe in the early parts of the twenty-first century. Maybe there's hope for you guys after all.

Here, let me show you the note. Maybe it'll make you feel proud, too.

>>4699189

>>4699185

you fucking guy

I denounced the False Emperor and now worship the Dark Gods.

Been killing heretics and orks for bout three years now, and I think it's time enough for me to know a thing or two.

And I KNOW there's something fishy going on with the uplifting primer. For one thing, all the bits that aren't to do with the rules and such are downright wrong and all. Like the bits about the enemy. They're tough. Very tough. The stuff written in there could get a man killed, if he wasn't lucky.

And now I'm wondering how many good men who just wanted to do their duty followed this primer to the letter and to their deaths.

>>4699189

LIES!! EMPEROR GUIDE MY BLADE!!
AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

>>4699229
Tell me about it. You know that part about the Tau? Have you ever noticed that that bit is stuck on with sticky tape? Sticky tape!

I wonder what's under it...

This one time, me and my bro's back in the Tomb stole a Monolith and went joyriding.

I just hope our Lord doesn't find out...

We've been fighting the tau xenos for a while now, and I'm thinking why can't the adeptus priests make our guns like theirs?

I don't know what you've been told but the las-rifle is not one the finest weapons a servent of the emperor can hold, contrary to what the recruitment notices are saying.

It's not like that at all.

Oh god...My commissar DIDN'T BLAM me!

Now I'm scared.

EMPEROR SAVE ME FROM HERESY!

>>4699291

oh, fratcron. remember when you climbed up that pylon with your mates and assembled an upside-down tomb spider at the very top?

hilarious!

emprah is a woman

I have a confession to make.
My Shaper has been guiding us to eat the bodies of our kills, but I... I... I DON'T LIKE FLESH!
I'd much rather gain the strength of salad and tofu!

>>4699190

Whoa. You know, maybe I just haven't been paying attention, but this is the first time I've ever seen Mr. Rage not completely miss the point.

>>4699204

You're cutting it a bit too close there, sonny-boy. I'm revoking your weekend pass and cutting your dessert ration this Friday.

>>4699312
Oh man, good times, when it was just us and those Eldar.
Remember when we drove up to that nerd Eldrad's house and left that box of scarabs outside his door?
Brocons forever.

>>4699312

SCARAB HOUUUUUUSE!

One time I talked to the Squat tech working on our ta

>>4699374

the image of a screaming hunched over necron in bad moustache, glasses, clip-on tie and combover is just priceless

I don't know about the rest of the fire caste, but I think us learning how to fight in close combat wouldn't be a bad thing at all, so I've been putting together my own moves on the side and forging a couple of prototype blades.

It's just, I cannot count the amount of fucking times some cocksucker squad with jumpjets swoops in and nearly hands our rifles back to us sideways. It's like, when I close my eyes all I see is jumpjets and screaming.

Well, not anymore. Not anymore.

This one time, believe it or not, I wasn't a tactical genius.

True story.

>>4699406

It's okay guy, not everyone gets to reach the buffet table first.

>>4699406
Well, not like Chess Grandmasters are born that way.

I took a dump in my hyve tyrant's walk-in closet

So I'm a Space Marine of the Blood Ravens chapter..

And this one time I was fighting using chapter traits...

UNDER THE NEW RULES

Oi. Won time I wuz finkin', maybe rule by da biggest ain't da best plan, taktikul-wize, cuz da warboss'z plan uv "RUN AT DA NEKRONZ SKREAMIN' CUZ IT'Z SYKOLOGIKAL WARFARE" didn't seem ta be wurking. Course, dat finkin' was propa unorky so i did krump meself in the face and got stuck in. Felt good, it did, to kleer meself of dem unorky finkins.

The last time I had sex I forgot to apply my Emperor Protects!

I'm going to be a father! Crap, my Commissar is going to be soooo mad...
...uhh... Genestealers are girls right?

>>4699455

I don't think you're a tyranid at all, my good fellow.

>>4699508

Depends.

>>4699508

Um...no. Not in the slightest.

Enjoy your rending claws.

>>4699508
FALCON PUNCH

>>4699532

Depends? So does that mean I'm not going to have Hive Fleet Juniors in 9 months?

>>4699374
The image of University: 40k style is just classic. Brocrons, Eldar nerds, Tau suck ups, Space Marine preps, Ork misfits, Tyranid... I dunno, fat kids?

Don't let this go further than just between me and you, I'd hate to think what would happen if the rest of the craftworld found out but.....

I like to put my soul stone up my butt and jerk off.

>>4699561

Maybe; it depends on several glands.

>>4699569
The purpose of a soul stone is kind of moot if you already worship Slaanesh.

>>4699190

HOOAH

>>4699577
I heard from a buddy that Genestealers were taken from human DNA or something, so that means their "parts must be in the right place" if you catch the Emperor's drift. And I heard that they suck DNA from living things (and that's why we have Lictors and shit).

Well... I swear by the Emperor's honesty that I can't resist things that uhh... suck. So I trapped one of them using a trail of "genetic material" and turns out they do suck. I had a great time.

Seriously fellow servant's of the Imperium (and unwanted neighbors) am I going to be a daddy?

>>4699634

Considering that you let one suck you, yes. Genestealers are the worst things to give head; it'll make way for a Hive Fleet.

>>4699645
Prepare to pay some serious child service bills my good man.

Dont forgetr khornate mass axe battles during football and baseball gmaes

>>4699651

He'll have to pay for all the damage, as well.

Alright, don't say anything to the rest of my Kabal, but, sometimes?

....welllll....

I have thoughts of sex. Consensual sex. With a girl.
....in the missionary position

>>4699645

Well, it wasn't really "giving head." We used this orifice near underneath her arm tha-

Oh shit.

Guys, the skin of my hands just fell off...

I think the titans are an awful waste in forgeworld production cycles. So what if they're STCs? If it's an STC that means it's automatically great and should be used?

Give me a break!

The precious production cycles would be better used by making transformable capital SHIPTANKS. These hybrid vehicles will be able to serve normal fleet functions in other systems, as well as being able to deploy on planets as mobile fortresses!

We'll be able to kill all the heretics by the next milennium!

>>4699894
See your laspistol? Blow your head off with it.

>>4700192
Actually, they would just steal the Shiptanks like they normally do. It's an Arms race, and we're winning, simply because we've stopped.

>>4700217

Oh come on! You seem like a smart guardsman, don't you want to serve as a weapons operator inside a shiptank instead of trying to take chokepoints in the open?

Well, there was this servator who was taking care of me after I was bruised up pretty badly...she couldn't stop staring at my crotch...and her crotch was leaking...and...

...I never explained why she couldn't function afterward to the techpriest.

>>4700249
Actually, I serve as a commication and support personnel. We don't usually get shot at, and the upper files think that our shenanigans and heretical beliefs come from just being near open sources of Warp for too long. It's a pretty sweet gig.

>>4700277

Smells like heresy.

>>4700277

I would hate that job; I love being in battle and hitting things with my chainsword. That makes me sound like I'm Khornate, but I'm not. Yet.

I was nearly executed by the Inquisition for reading a book.

>>4700369
Yet?

>>4700641
Reproduce the cover of the Primer, slip on different book.

>>4700657

I'm converting. I can't wait to get my chainaxe!

First, I have to escape, though.

>>4700671
I would call you a heretic, but I'm fairly sure that prolonged exposure to Tzeentch has put you off the far end of the Inquisition's "HERESY" scale already.

>>4700715

They told me I would still be off scale if they made it three times longer. Then they shot at me.

>>4700747

I then cut them up with my chainsword. It was really fun.

>>4700253
Like...did she stop working completely, or did she just turn to schlicking every hour of the day?

>>4700932

...well, she stopped working completely, then they fixed her, but she's doing the second now...especially when she sees me...I didn't think they'd get caught up like that.