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  • File :1244972763.jpg-(232 KB, 1080x1080, Vostroy Chan Complete.jpg)
    232 KB Imperial Guardsman Briefing #4585: Pleasuring a Woman Sarge 06/14/09(Sun)05:46 No.4875024  
    Alright lads. At ease, take a seat. Now, today we’re training you for one of the most challenging scenarios an Imperial Guardsman may have to come up against: pleasuring a woman in the bedroom.

    [Pause for laughter]

    Alright, settle down you lot. I know, it may seem like some of you should be giving this lecture, but you are all fresh recruits and as such Imperial Doctrine states that I give this charming series of lessons. A happy home makes you all fight harder, or so I’m told. Look at it this way: for the duration of these lessons, you’ve been sanctioned by your superiors, including the Ecclesiarchy, to watch pornography.

    [Pause for laughter]

    Alright. Now everyone pay attention here. This isn’t written in the Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer, so if you go home to your girl and you forgot because you were taking a piss during these briefings then you are well and truly fugged.

    Today’s briefing is about how to pleasure her with your hands. Yes, just another use your two most accessible weapons have. Now, there are more ways than this but this is the Imperium Approved method, handed down through generations of soldiers as basic and effective.

    So, let’s get to it. And if you’re taking notes, for fug’s sake memorize the information. First and foremost. Clean nails, lads. Not just for her health. It’s Imperial law.
    So nails are cut and hands are clean, and your woman is waiting on your off-barrack bunk. What do we do? Same as any other mission. Establish a strong Vox network. Talk to the girl. You’re both on the same side and are marching towards a common objective here, keep a clear line of communication with her. Ask her what she likes, or ask her to show you if she’s the shy and blushing Shrine world type. If she knows, then let her play Commander. Got it?
    >> Sarge 06/14/09(Sun)05:46 No.4875031
    Alright. So she’s down to her undergarments, and you’ve already taken the view from the hill. Put your palm on her and slowly rub against her underwear. Trace around the outline of her and stray from up and down the picket to brush her thigh lightly of occasion. She’ll let you know what works, have no fear. Just remember, be gentle at this point. You’re a man of the Imperium, not a savage Ork. Well, maybe Grylph over there is, but still…

    [Pause for laughter]

    Once she’s nice and primed, liberate her of her undergarments and make her comfortable. You’ll know because she’ll have the texture of Lasgun oil. Now, get your second and third fingers together and move from her clitoris slowly to the bottom of her snatch. All eyes on screen up front. Good. Keep doing that, and occasionally circle her clitoris. Keep that fire going, boys. It shouldn’t take long until she’s purring like a Thylacene. Time to move.
    The fingers which you had ready go in easily. Just like any mission; do it slowly or you’ll miss the objective.
    Now, once they are in curve them slightly upwards towards her navel as you push, until you find a rippled and slightly springy spot. That, gentlemen, is paydirt. Once you have planted the flag, don’t stop rubbing that spot.

    Now, after a small while she will start to contract. Here’s the important bit, so listen up. Do not change speed or motion for anything. Not if you have your own thoughts. Not if someone else said they know better. Not even if an Inquisitor orders you not to. Well, maybe the last one. But she may kill you anyway if you do extract at that point, so that one’s your call.

    [Pause for laughter]

    After a moment she’ll come with the force of a strafing Thunderhawk. Your commanding officers guarantee it. [Thumbs up]
    >> Sarge 06/14/09(Sun)05:47 No.4875035
    Alright, that’s your lesson for today. But before we go, a final warning. What you have seen today was for use on a quiet woman you wish to marry and have a regulation Imperial family with after your tours of duty are complete. Carousing with local women around your postings, or with prostitutes both sanctioned and on-the-sly, is frowned upon by most Commissars, and we all know how touchy they are. Remember: flies spread disease, so keep yours closed!

    [Pause for laughter]

    Alright, let’s move it out! Target practice in five!
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)05:59 No.4875126
         File :1244973551.jpg-(2 KB, 94x97, images.jpg)
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    OOH! OOH! Question!

    Sir! Is it true that if you hold a girl's nose and slap her box at the same time that she'll fart?
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)06:01 No.4875149
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)06:03 No.4875158
         File :1244973832.jpg-(29 KB, 375x372, Guile Hurl.jpg)
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    Grylph, what the fuck!
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)06:07 No.4875178

    god dammit, you trying to kill me? I've been laughing for the last ten minutes straight
    >> Ծ_Ծ !!RXLZs10VSMs 06/14/09(Sun)06:09 No.4875192
    This thread is certified by the inquisition.
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)06:12 No.4875210
    Sir? Next time can you show us the "Alphabet Method"?
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)06:12 No.4875217
    God-damned Grylph
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)06:12 No.4875219
         File :1244974350.jpg-(86 KB, 867x591, 1244234731500.jpg)
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    oh lawdy that was good, just thinking the HWG would say that just makes it even better.
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)06:12 No.4875221
    Sounds...somewhat familiar.

    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)06:13 No.4875222
         File :1244974391.jpg-(10 KB, 296x270, Inquisition IV.jpg)
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    Inquisition seal of approval.

    Carry on. Ave Imperator.

    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)06:16 No.4875244
    well played.
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)06:19 No.4875266

    The excited expression at finally being able to ask the question which has obviously been on his mind for a while makes that fucking priceless.
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)06:22 No.4875284

    I'd finger HER according to official Imperial doctrines, if you know what I mean.
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)06:25 No.4875298
    If you've never seen this before, it reminds me of the Dark Tower.
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)07:52 No.4875821

    ... is it dumb that I saved this for future reference?
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)07:58 No.4875852
    no it's awesome it should be archived
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)07:59 No.4875859
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    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)07:59 No.4875861
         File :1244980764.jpg-(37 KB, 400x400, Puke.jpg)
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    Oh Throne, that is jus-HRRRRRFFLLLLGGgghhhh....
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:00 No.4875864
    What, again?
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:04 No.4875887
         File :1244981070.png-(16 KB, 564x420, Pissed Guardsman.png)
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    Damn it Grylph, now I have to think about that on my date with that Medicae girl! I - I... augh!
    >> Nekose !5mhYQxOp7Y 06/14/09(Sun)08:05 No.4875890

    oh god... im choking... i cant stop
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:08 No.4875902
         File :1244981301.jpg-(120 KB, 800x800, IG_Babes_(1).jpg)
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    Moar practice models you say?
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:10 No.4875911
    >> Nekose !5mhYQxOp7Y 06/14/09(Sun)08:10 No.4875913
    still... choking... Call a doctor!
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:11 No.4875916
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    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:13 No.4875929
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    I'm rating this thread with +++ for awesomeness. Sarge needs to keep up the course briefings. Keep up the good work.
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:15 No.4875946
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    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:18 No.4875957
         File :1244981888.jpg-(196 KB, 537x1067, 1225718878285.jpg)
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    Another woman to practice on.
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:18 No.4875963
         File :1244981926.jpg-(13 KB, 222x405, Nurse Joy.jpg)
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    Just what in the Emperor's name happened in this tent?!
    >> Slade 06/14/09(Sun)08:20 No.4875972

    After all, imperial approved marriages, gives us more men for to man the front!
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:21 No.4875973
         File :1244982060.jpg-(81 KB, 960x402, Wisdom.jpg)
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    This is fucking SWEET. Wisdom.
    >> ITT: You re-install, you loose. 06/14/09(Sun)08:22 No.4875986
    god this is some ancient copy pasta
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:41 No.4876075
         File :1244983287.jpg-(22 KB, 500x266, Hikkikomori.jpg)
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    Oh, y-you want to...?

    I... I guess I can let you t-touch me... down there... i-if it's for the Emperor...
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:42 No.4876083
    Copypasta is old but has been sealed in a bag for freshness.
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:48 No.4876111
    Throne damn Eldar! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE E.L.D.A.R.!
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:49 No.4876118
         File :1244983776.jpg-(63 KB, 300x300, Coffee Spit.jpg)
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    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:51 No.4876127
         File :1244983910.jpg-(195 KB, 800x640, Copy of 1238412643803.jpg)
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    Oooh, just like that...
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:54 No.4876145
         File :1244984094.jpg-(45 KB, 468x460, joy.jpg)
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    Did anyone else notice that whoever drew that has for some reason included the mould line on the barrel of the heavy bolter?
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:55 No.4876148

    Seriously... does that happen?
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)08:56 No.4876151

    Not sure.

    BRB, testin.
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)09:04 No.4876189

    I call this one... she smells nice.
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)09:06 No.4876198
    I believe you have to plug their butt and then they will queef.
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)09:32 No.4876332

    ... they what?
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)09:39 No.4876364
    Old copypasta is old, epic, but old.
    >> Dispatch 06/14/09(Sun)09:46 No.4876400

    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)10:12 No.4876533
         File :1244988739.jpg-(277 KB, 1622x1299, Grylph.jpg)
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    Screencapped for severe win.
    >> Anonymous 06/14/09(Sun)10:47 No.4876681

    That's funnier than fucking Meat Vans. Shit, good call.

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