Stick it in macha's pooper

Just start punching.

Everywhere.

I take a piss.

>>5166304
Oh shit son, is that what I look like? Emprah's a happy man.

>>5166309

You don't know who this Macha person is but you're pretty sure you aren't into anal anyway

>>5166312

You flail your fists in all directions, wildly. The force of your punches cause gusts of air to completely liquidate all those guys with pointy hats standing around, just when they started to notice you

While punching all the pipes sticking in you fell out. While looking down you notice you are wearing golden armor and are probably buff as shit, which would explain why you were able to punch air hard enough to kill people

casually ask for the nurse to get me a basin.

I just let it flow out and relax.

>>5166331
Let's try some kicking next.

>>5166330

For some reason you are happy that you look like glam superstar David Bowie. You don't know who he is, you just know this is a good thing

>>5166334

There is no nurse, you killed everyone

>>5166342

Fuck it, you just decide to let it go. Surely this suit of armor has a built in waste management system?

It does not. Your armor is now filled with your own piss, which smells really nice for some reason

I do something erotic.

Deem the lack of a waste management system to be heresy, and all those you just killed were heretics for not doing something about it.

>>5166351

You start kicking, and the same effect happens. The liquified corpses of those dudes just become more liquidier. You've already pissed yourself and this is starting to get messy.

>>5166355

You suddenly realize it's probably been tens of millions of years since you've had an erection. You paw at your golden codpiece but unfortunately you get no reaction. You'll need something more stimulating than a power claw and piss armor to get your groove on

>>5166364

Fucking pointy hat heretics. This is all their fault.

lol The EMPRAH gets off the golden throne and the first thing he does is treat himself to his very own golden shower.

>>5166369
Well, now that I've established the power of punching and kicking, let's try getting on to the ground and walking without destroying anything.

Ask the nearest super Saijin what my power level is.

>>5166391

You are just so mad right now. You wake up, no idea who you are, piss yourself with really pleasantly smelling piss, and accidentally kill some fuckers with pointy hats who were probably fucking with you while you slept and fucked up your armor's waste management system

You stride out of the throne room and start smashing shit. Stained glass windows the size of skyskrapers, statues of bitches with angel wings or some shit you dunno, this robot guy with metal tentacles or something.

You realize that this place totally sucks. Everyone here is ugly and plugged into something and they're all staring at you and crying and it's just really irritating

>>5166391

Oh shit I read that as "walking ABOUT destroying everything"

Oh well too late now

Hmm, I'd always twigged Sanguinius as Bowie. Mercury would be the Big E.

Now I need to do the rest.
Lemmy - Lemon Russ
Alice Cooper - Mortarion (Man looks like death)
Hendrix - Vulkan
Jon Bon Jovi - Fulgrim
Bon Scott - Lion el'Johnson
etc.

Fuck, we'd better not be in a box again! TAKE NO SHIT! Punch our way out of here! RUDY STYLE!

Ask somebody what the FUCK is going on and who the hell I am.

>>5166432

You've had enough of this shit. You punch through the wall and jump out, really far. Really, really far actually. You forgot that you are superhuman or something.

What looks to be a giant, massive city rolls by beneath you. It's spikey and there are a lot of skulls and you're pretty sure you see a statue of yourself.

Rad.

You finally land amongst a bunch of tiny dudes who look like soldiers, holding guns in formation. They're being led by this guy wearing a trenchcoat and a military cap and they're being herded into a spaceship

>>5166429

Also you keep listing off classic rock stars in your head, just in case it'll come in handy

>>5166445

Demand they explain what the lovely FUCK is going on around here.

>>5166438

You ask the guy with the trenchcoat what the fuck is going on and who the fuck you are. He takes one look at you, drops to his knees, and starts weeping. All the soldier dudes do the same thing.

what the fuck

>>5166445
say hi, then steal the ship

>>5166453

Tell him to man the fuck up or we'll wreck his shit.

>>5166453
Ask again politely. And tell them to stop groveling! It's shameful and unfitting of soldiers. You don't know why you think of that but damnit!

>>5166454

Y'know what, fuck these crybabies, too. It's time you amscrayed out of this shit stand

More people drop to their knees as you stomp through the ship. You kick down the door to the bridge and demand that they fly you to... uh...

Where do you want to go?

Hey gee, maybe at some point I try to remember who I am, how I got where I am at, what happened? Surely some of it will come back?

Maybe try not to kill too many guys in pointy hats while I'm doing it. They aren't fucking with me so why am I cutting them down like wheat before a scythe?

Start playing Air guitar.

>>5166469
>>5166463

You remember to calm yourself down. Clearly these people are afraid of you or are in love with you or some shit, and you gotta cool your jets because if you fart the wrong way you will destroy their souls

>>5166464

Anywhere but here.

>>5166464
eye of terror

>>5166475
What did they say?

>>5166478
I'd like to point out that you seem to not know much. Besides, you don't even know what that is.

Demand to go to war. And start playing Air guitar while you make your own theme song.

>>5166478

Some part of your memory kicks in. You remember while you were sleeping some of the pointy hat dudes were talking about something called the Eye of Terror and how lame it was.

You point heroically and proudly command (also politely, since these people are shitting themselves and you're starting to feel guilty) to head straight for the Eye of Terror

>>5166473

While the ship blasts off, you start air guitaring.

Ask someone for a towel or something. There's piss all over your legs.

Hey OP, how about adopting a name so this is easier to read?

Shout out in a deep and commanding voice (which surprisingly seems to be my own) "Status report."

You've gotta find out who you are.

Ask the dudes if theres anyone else like you around. Maybe we can get some bros together for a kickass roadtrip to the eye.

>>5166497

Oh yeah, you forgot about that. You ask a robot dude rolling around if he could flush you or something

He does so, and the bridge is awash with your urine. Everyone begins to cry and kneel again, while rubbing your piss on themselves and crying HOLY LIQUID, HOLY LIQUID

Jesus Christ where have you ended up

>>5166501

kk

>>5166509
agreed, calmly ask the pilots your name.

>>5166520

Fuck... what is the emprahs name?

>>5166533
I think they'd just tell him he's the God Emperor of Humanity. I'm not OP btw, just a guy who has calm ideas.

>>5166520
Agreed. Everybody needs to chill the fuck out, especially myself. Shit, I liquified like a dozen guys in pointy hats and that can't be good. Get a grip and find out what's going on.

That was weird.

Err, anyway


>>5166511


You yell STATUS REPORT. Unfortunately your voice is so deep it makes this one guy's head explode.

Everyone else is fine though. One dude stands up, probably the captain, and says "Sir, the ship is in tip top shape, but we left the forces back on the launch pad when you commanded us to take off for the most dangerous section of the galaxy! We're just a transport ship without an army!"

Fuck

>>5166509

Okay okay, minor setback. You ask the captain who you be.

"Why, my Lord, you are the God Emperor of Mankind, you guide us through the darkness of the universe and watch over us as we fight in your name!"

That is slightly better news. God Emperor? Sounds rad. You like where this is going.
>>5166507

You ask if there are any other Emperors you can pal around with. Life as a God might get lonely

"No, o merciful lord. The only other gods that exist are the ruinous powers... erm, who we may be meeting very soon, as they all pretty much hang out in the Eye of Terror"

Another setback. Shit.

Okay, God Emperor, you say to yourself. You're about to go in the asshole of the galaxy, filled with super gods like you, but evil, with no army and a lot of ballllls.

What next?

Lets see if we can tone things down a bit. Lets try to make ourself look a little less radiantly awesome. I know its hard, but hey, its the least we can do.

>>5166545

You squeeze real tight. You feel yourself shrinking a bit, and the dazzling golden aura that surrounded you went away.

Everyone visibly relaxes around you and stops rubbing your piss on their bodies. In fact they're all suddenly embarassed and go back to bzns as usual

Whisper, and if that doesn't work try normal voice.

"Stop engines. Let's not go the that error place I said before."

>>5166543

Fuck that shit. Ask where we can get us a fucking army. If those other dudes aint our bros, they gonna get our boot up their ass.

and then we'll explode 'em for good measure.

>>5166543
Ask if you have any family. You seem to remember something about that son, but did he have any brothers? And did they have CHILDREN?!

I get up, take a leak, and find a sandwhich. Anyone starts asking me questions I bluntly tell them Im not saying shit until I get me a BLT

All those guys that died? lets take their skulls and start constructing a throne out of it. If we're emperor, we should look the part.

>>5166554

You place your hands on your hips, and everyone sighs in admiration. Being an Emperor sure makes you feel like King Shit.

You ask where you may get some doods to take out those ruinous powers everyone is whining about. Apparently the Chaos Gods have been fucking with your Imperium for a long ass time, they even killed you with your own son! Assholes

The Captain looks at the nav chart and says "Well, with your massive psychic ability, this ship can be at any planet you choose in a matter of moments. There are a plethora of armies from you to choose from, including the brave Imperial Guard, your own heroic Space Marines and their many chapters, and of course the... lol the uh, Sisters of Battle"

At the mention of the Sisters of Battle everyone starts laughing. Okay, guys, very funny, but enough joking around

What army should you collect

>>5166556

Dont forget to ask about daughters and sisters as well

>>5166543

Whisper: "Okay, apparently, I'm really powerful physically. Does anybody know what else I've been known to do? I woke up with a big headache, amnesia, and the need to take a wicked piss."

>>5166569

Why settle? Lets grab some of each. But god help 'em if theyre wearing blue.

>>5166543
it's gonna be a long trip. get a waste management system installed already.

>>5166569
See if you can get them all together in one place. The more people we can get to combat those other gods the better.

>>5166576
Dude don't mention amnesia. Roll with this shit. We just killed like a bunch of pointy hat dudes. That's not good. They think we are cool. Just keep it chill and find out what the fuck is going on. And we aren't going fucking anywhere until we know what's going on.

I killed my kid right? Or sorta my kid. Where's my wife?

>>5166578

Why choose? You're the Emperor, after all.

You order the Captain to go to one planet of each and sample a little bit of everything. One huge, massive fleet, even. It's time to kick it to the next level and teach Chaos why you're the God fucking Emperor

But nothing blue, you quickly add. You are a fan of variety but vanilla isn't your favorite flavor

>>5166579

And someone install some fucking waste disposal system for me will ya


As the ship is going to planet to planet, picking up Cadians, Space Wolves, Inquisitors, Blood Angels, etc., the Captain fills you in on your known history, though you phase out during most of his speech cause goddam there is a lot of it

Holy fuck! we're in space, right? lets get some aliens up in this bitch. How many alien soldiers can i get on short notice?

>>5166602

You clap your hands excitedly and ask if the Imperium has any alien auxiliaries.

Everyone kind of stares at you and they don't say anything.

The Captain kind of stares at his feet and says "Well... we kinda... always thought aliens really pissed you off... so we kind of kill all of them and they're all really mad at us"

Oh for fuck's sake

We need a better chair. Start piling up some skulls to sit on.

We want some God-Damned food. We've been hooked to a machine for 10s of thousands of years.
Get some from the space vikings.

>>5166603
How about some crazy awesome super weapons. You said I asleep for thousands of years. You must have come up with some crazy stuff.

>>5166603
We'll deal with that later, for now its time to fuck up some Chaos bitches.

>>5166603
Find out which aliens are the least likely to try to kill us immediately. Unless they're blue, which is a color you don't like very much, try to enlist their help to close up this Eye of Terror.

>>5166603

Fuck. First thing we do after we kick some ass is go make nice with the neighbors. Tell him that if we run into any aliens on the way I'm saying hi.

>>5166604

There are a shitload of skulls lying around so you help yourself to some to build yourself a throne.

Ah. Nothing relaxes the buttocks quite like a skull

>>5166605

This guy named Logan Grimnar you picked up and a bunch of his homies invite you down to the mess hall, where you see your vast army. They're all really happy to see you, especially the Space Marines. They're asking for your autograph and blessings and shit

As you scarf down some grade A chow some chicks wearing power armor strut up and act like theys yo womens. Whatevs, you figure

>>5166619

Fuck yeah. Emperor be pimpin.

>>5166613
>>5166614


You tell everyone that aliens are cool now, and that everyone has to write an apology letter. They all grudgingly agree

Someone tells you that there is this guy named Eldrad who is kind of a dick but his doods might be of some help. You figure you should give them a call

>>5166569
tyranids.
I reckon we could dominate them with our awesome psychic abilities

After reaching the eye of terror you suddenly get the urge to punch the biggest douchbag you can find while screaming "FALCON PAAAUNCH!"

>>5166619

Tell 'em your rounding up the boys for a good ol' eye poking.

>>5166629

Someone else says that there are these buggy things named Tyranids that pretty much eat everything, but are weak to psychics and, well, since you're the best...

You nod your head but just then some blue Space Marine stands up and starts shouting HERESY FUCK THE NIDS

You point at him and demand to know who let the blue guys on

Is he green? Aliens are supposed to be green right? Lets get some green skinned space babes in on this too.

>>5166636
Punch the blue guy so hard he hits nothing and breaks it.

>>5166638

You jokingly mention green little men, and someone corrects you politely by saying green HUMONGOUS FUNGUS MEN

You ask if these "Orkz" would listen to you, and they say that they only follow the biggest and baddest Orkz

You look at yourself in a conveniently placed mirror. You're big. You're bad.

You ask the Captain where you can get some Orky bitz to glue to your armor

>>5166636

Tell him he can fuck them all he wants after we take control. He can have as many freaky bug chicks as he wants.Weirdo.

>>5166619
Goddammit, we're feeling awesome right now. If we were any more awesome we'd be shooting fucking mind bullets. Like, "pew, pew, I've got mind bullets, so get the fuck down!".

ITT: Emprah awakens, unites galaxy, no smurfs alowed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is not me, I think. I'm in a double-variable enveloped...something and I'm charging off like...that guy. I need the other guy. The little faggot who was good at details and shit. Did he like red or am I thinking of somebody else?

I've got limited command decision horizons and I need to open up the thinking kind of terrain. Shit's coming back to me and I need to calm down, get some intel and get my guys together. Where are my guys?

>>5166647

Shit you accidentally kill some green, robed space marines with your mind bullets

It happens shit

They start crying. That Logan Grimnar guy and his homies find this highly amusing and you give them a round of high fives

>>5166657

Well shit. Say we'll make them saints or something.

These guys call this stuff booze? lets turn there booze into some good shit.

Go get Caiphas Cain.

>>5166657
Hey Awesome story so far
I sugest you get a trip b4 trolls attack and this is all ruined.

>>5166664

This! A thousand times this!

Try and find some of the Crimson Fists, and give them all a thumbs up for being so cool and ballsy.

>>5166650

As the Captain glues Orky shit to your armor so that you may impress the fungus men, you ask him about your vision

The Captain says "You need to be a bit more specific."

>>5166663

Also you turn the "water into wine," as it were, only replace water with booze and wine with super booze

The Space Wolves are wasted instantly

>>5166664
>>5166672

You don't need to, he's been sitting by your side the entire time, and you grant him a respect knuckle every so often

>>5166670

I dunno how Im noob :(

>>5166664
Get Caiphas Cain, inhance his awesome with your Psychic power.

>>5166677
>The Space Wolves are wasted instantly

That's how we know it's good shit.

>>5166682

You really like this Caiphas fellow, and shove the Captain aside, deciding that Caiphas is your new sidekick

You also pump him da fuck up with your powers. You expect him to turn super Hulk huge but he just laughs and says "I'm pretty much perfection already, but thanks anyway"

>>5166681

Whats our ETA to the eye of terror?

Remember, if theres any aliens along the way, we're picking 'em up.

>>5166677
I try to overcome the impulses flooding my mind and tell the Captain to stop engines, remain at condition one, get me an updated table of organization and some more BLTs.

If he gives me shit I will do my best to keep from blowing his head off and tell him to ignore all previous orders. I want as much intel as he has and time to absorb it.

You get a Sudden urge to say fuck you to this Galaxy, You gollect everyone and every thing you need to start a new civilisation and you destroy the entire Galaxy before moving to a new one.

>>5166698

Fuck aliens! You forgot!

And the Eye of Terror is hop away, considering your psychic power is so strong

Caiphas hands you a phone and you call up the Eldar. Some chick picks up

You ask if this is, indeed, the Eldar

"Ugh.. do you know what time it is?"

One of the drunken Space Wolves starts laughing and asks her to show her tits, but you shush him while stifling your laughter

"Oh god damn it" she says "Not another pervert leave me alone"

She hangs up, but cant help laughing along with the entire chapter of drunken vikings

Use psychic powers to RIP AND TEAR the Tyranid Hivemind so all the Nids fucking eat each other.

Alternatively ask about robot skeletons.

I ask what happened to my friends; the squats?

You know what? We need a wife. Lets find us a nice virgin... an alien one by preference. If she's half decent as anal, make her queen off all humanity (if you know what i mean)

thatll cement relationships with the aliens nicely.

>>5166702
You also send a strongly worded transmition to the Eye of terror saying Chaos isn't welcome in the new galaxy so they can fuck right off.

ask ciaphas cain for some sword lessons

>>5166710
Type this into the name field
Emprah Bowie##Passwordhere
Replace Passwordhere with whatever you want but remember it until your done with this thread.

>>5166710

Call her the fuck right back and use our mind powers on her

>>5166712
Return the Squats to life. Use them as violent footstools.

>>5166713

You remind yourself that you need to get laid soon, and these human bitches aren't exotic enough. You need some pointy ears

>>5166712

You suddenly remember your old pals, the squats, and ask about them. Everyone stares at you with angry faces and you decide its best not to ask again

>>5166711

Okay, enough fooling around. You call up Eldrad and pretty much tell him that you're back and pissed and Chaos needs to shut up

"But Mon Keigh" he whines "Necrons wah wah"

You tell him to shut his elf hole and to gather all the Eldar to meet him in the Eye of Terror in one day

He agrees cause who can deny the emperor?

You tell Caiphas to set course for some Nids, cause the only way you can impress the Orkz is if you have more boys than they do

>>5166724

tanks man

This is the greatest quest of all time.

If there are any drawfags in the audience, now is the time to shine, boys.

>>5166736
np

>>5166729
Take this fleet out beyond the furthest ring of the galaxy and psychic headbutt the very center of the Hivemind. Then Psychic curb stomp it and tell them to step off and fuck off.

>>5166742
Lack of a scanner/tablet huts so much
;.;

>>5166729

A few seconds of mild concentration and you make sure the ship and subsequent MASSIVE IMPERIAL FLEET arrive safely outside Splinter Fleet Fucknuts

You look out a window. That's a lot of space bugs.

How are you gonna go about taming these wild stallions?

>>5166742

Yeah srsly

If there are any Inquisitors onboard, start telling them their whole organization needs to CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

Also, might want to consider heading to Mars and getting rid of that Void Dragon fellow.

>>5166744

Fuck that. Just re-organize the hivemind so that it is /your/ mind that everything is linked to.

Call back that guy with the pointy ears and ask him what his problem with the "Necrons" is. Beating them up might help impress the fungus dudes.

Hey remember Khrone is now back to full power since the Empra is now active and doesnt need proping up.

>>5166753

Destroy the Hive Mind with MIND BULLETS, then hone your own psychic wavelength to be the same as that previous Hive Mind's.

BAM, Tyranid shock troops.

>>5166753
Now is your time to shine! You look for the biggest mother fucker and you challange it to a psychic dance off. TO THE DEATH!

>>5166753
find the most central one, psychically. physically ride it like a bull.

>>5166757

Who needs to go to the edge of the Galaxy when you're the emperor?

You stretch out your mind across the universe and locate something terrible.. something massive.. something BEASTIAL

"Are you the Hivemind?" you ask

"YESSS AND I SHALL DEVOUR--"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP" you scream, whilst psychically headbutting the prick

"Ow what the fuck man"

You tell it to pipe down and listen up. YOU'RE the Hive Mind now.

"Fine fine, Jesus, asshole christ"

Suddenly Splinter Fleet Fucknuts joins your own MASSIVE IMPERIAL FLEET, and reports flooded in of other Splinter Fleets doing the same

Hell yeah.

>>5166744

The Void Dragon can wait, you're still pissed over that whole Horus Heresy thing

Air guitar competition with the hivemind.

Fuck bitches, get money.

>>5166753
Like any wild stallions of course: Jump on the biggest one you can see and hang on 'til it's too tired to shake you off!

>>5166778

Air fucking guitar.

Now, the orkz!

>>5166778
Go collect the Orcs, find the biggest one you can. beat the fuck out of him until you make him let you ride him around like a big green man horse.

>>5166786

Despite the fact that the entire Tyranid horde is under your command, you think this is a damn good idea

You leap outside (you can breathe in space) and land on a giant fucking space bug, which whinnies like a horse

EASY BOY. This ride ain't over yet.

You turn to Caiphas (who has always had the ability to breathe in space) and tell him to order the fleets to head to the nearest WAAAGH infested planet.

>>5166793
Find the biggest god damn ork and air guitar his brains outside of his head, and if the other orks wont follow you, do the same to them.

Impress both the orks and eldar by messing up the necrons.

Wow. We just took down the entire tyranid race without spilling a drop of blood. We've managed to entirly avoid giving anything to khorne. We're not sick, so no probs with nurgle, and we sure as fuck aint planning ahead so no probs with T boy. Aside from slannesh this final battle is going to be a piece of cake.

>>5166788
I'd suggest riding a baneblade from high orbit through the atmosphere of the highest density Ork world while still continuing to Air guitar. Then upon landing because only a lesser maggot would crash I surf with the tank skimming over the landscape and use the momentum to punch the largest Ork right in the teeth.

>>5166778

Awesome, Emprah Bowie is best Bowie.

Alright, now go find a whole dickpile of Greenskins and tell 'em you can give them the biggest WAAAAAGH in the entire damn Universe.

>>5166791

"Check it" says Caiphas "Theres this dude named Ghazgkull. They say he's the biggest. He's a myth, a legend. You don't fuck with him."

You laugh derisively as you bite your heels into the side of Cinnamon, your giant Tyranid steed

I don't fuck with him? Guess what.

Through your psychic whoopassery, you position your fleet outside a jungle planet, where you sense the presence of a powerful Ork

I am about to fuck with him

>>5166793
Brofist with Caiphas, Jump off your tyranid stallion, land in front of the biggest orc there and punch the planet in half.

>>5166798
>>5166797
Impress orkz and eldar with NECRON REMAINS PSYCHICH GUITAR!

Find Ghazghkull Mag Urak Thraka. Tell him that we're the biggest, and we're in charge. And if he dont like that, we'll beat the shit out of his precius gork and mork. understand?

>>5166778
Chaos was fucked.

>>5166807
Dear God Emperor! THIS!

Challenge the ork to fisticuffs!

>>5166804

Air guitar is for child's play.

You take out a real guitar.

Emperor's ride in style. Caiphas?

You turn to Caiphas, also positioned on the Baneblade. He is tuning his bass and nods at you.

Let's rock.

The Baneblade screams through the planet's atmosphere as you and Caiphas jam the fuck out, every single gun converted to a speaker. Shit is getting real and its getting real, fast.

The Baneblade lands at an angle, skidding for miles as you and Caiphas remain perfectly balanced. It finally slows to a halt just as your power solo finishes

Right in front of the biggest Ork you've ever seen.

"Ghazgkull, I presume?"

The Ork looks you up and down, unimpressed. "I AM DA BIGGEST AND DA BADDEST, YOU JUST A SHINY YELLOW HUMIE"

You laugh and shoulder your guitar. He did not just call you yellow.

Nobody.

BUT NOBODY.

Calls the Emprah "yella"

Your guitar strikes Ghazgkull with such force that his head flies around the planet. Twice. It finally lands in your outstretched hand, smoking.

You hold it up and ask the billions of Orkz present if they have any questions.

They didn't.

>>5166824

My mind. She is blown.

>>5166807
You need to be big and impressive. You combine with Caiphas and you grow another twenty feet taller and your awesomeness increases by 2000%

>>5166806
Chances are that Khrone would ally with us if we asked him to.

ITT Emprah wakes up, returns Imperium to its awesome Rogue Trader/Heavy Metal roots with the power of AWESOME.

Now THERE'S a God-Emperor you can believe in!

Air Guitar compitition with Ghazghkull, then pull out some kick-ass emperor DAKKA on his ass if he doesn't like loosing. Then call up that dick named Eldrad and ask him why he was crying about those Necron things. We've gotta test the strength of our army some time before we enter the giant space vagina.

>>5166824

Tell the boyz to saddle up.

Whos next?

>>5166807
Pelvic thrust so hard you annihilate Ghazkull and everything behind him, including other planets in alignment.

btw /tg/ thank you for making this the best thread I have ever contributed to. I <3 you guys

Still waiting on you drawfags to SATE MY HUNGERING EGO

Anyway

Suddenly this weird naked floating guy appears behind you, rubbing his hands together all coniving like

"You must be the Emperor, yessss. They call me the Deceiver, yessss. You may trust me, human. I can help you against Chaosss yessss"

You look at Caiphas, who is trying hard not to laugh. The famous soldier coughs in his hand, making a sound similar to "Fag"

You look at the Deceiver and ask if he is that Necron guy

"Yessss I am, O Mighty HRRK"

You grab him by the throat and bring him close. With a simple twitch of your subconscious, he is filled with enough Warp energy to make him disappear

"I fucking hate Necrons" you say

We now control the IG, Space Marines, Inquisition, Tyranids, and Orkz.

We pretty much own the fucking galaxy in all but name.

>>5166840
>They call me the Deceiver
>You may trust me

o rly?

Grab the Tau for their sexy bitches.
Find the fabled Angry Marines.
Grab Caiphas some Chainsword Nunchucks.

Bed some Eldar bitches, you still have another day until you have to be at the Eye of Terror to let the Eldar watch you singlehandedly skullfuck all the Chaos Gods simultaniously. Or kill some Space Commies.

>>5166824

Use your MIND LASSO to toss your new Tyranid Fleet into the Eye, and tell all your new Ork buddies to head into the Eye for the best damn WAAAAAGH ever.

Right behind them will be you and a dickpile of Gaurd and Astartes.

First Eldrad crying, now this Deceiver guy is being a bitch.

You've had it up to here with these metal skeleton dudes, and you haven't even met one yet

You and Caiphas ride Cinnamon back to the fleet. Angrier than a badger in a whorehouse, you order them to fly to the nearest Tomb World

You're feelin punchy

Lets get us some fucking commies on the staff. They can do our taxes 'n shit.

>>5166850
Necrons first, then this.

You know what the fuck we need? A giant robot.

Imperial ships will form the body
Tyranids will form the left arm
Ork hulks will form the right
Eldars for the left leg
Tau for the right

AND I'LL MOTHER FUCKING FORM THE HEAD!

Let's play Dynasty Warriors. With Necrons.

>>5166859

Caiphas mentions something about these Commie guys who are really good at convincing people to do what they say

Sounds like your kinda homies. You take out your video cell and dial up the nearest Sept

Some blue dude with a bone sticking out of his forehead picks up. Hes all old and gross

You tell him to listen up: You got something he might like to hear. It's called the Greaterer Good and it's pretty much the same as the Greater Good... except it's got a lot more Rocky Road Icecream

The Tau Ethereal nods once, solemnly, and speaks two words: "My nigga."

You hang up your cell and turn to Caiphas. "They'll join our fleet in about twelve seconds. That's the thing about Tau: They fucking love Rocky Road"

>>5166840

Oh god I can't breathe and I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. Best Deceiver impression ever.

>>5166870

Yessss nyahaha yessss I am so trustworthy

I fucking hate that fawg

>>5166840

Beast Wars Megatron = The Deceiver.

>>5166869

Just can't stop laughing, oh christ.

>>5166869
FUCK YEAH!

Also Caiphas demands some GOD DAMNED TANNA TEA! Bitches best be getting it for him.

What the fuck are we going to do for a day now?

these metal skeleton dudes. Whats there beef? They want all life exterminated so bad, i say we send 'em to one of the old tyranid galaxies. the ones empty of all life.

Firstly, someone better be archiving this shit

>>5166855
I've been laughing quite hard the whole way here...

>You're feelin punchy

...and that's where I fell out of my chair, good for you, sir!

>>5166884
Fuck some sisters, elven bitches and blue wimmenz.

>>5166869

To the nearest tomb world!

Meet the most tricked out Necron Lord
Knock it over. Curbstomp it.
Everyone WAAAGHS.

>>5166883
If Ciaphas is there, then Jurgen is there, most likely with a couple grox buns, some porno slates, a thermos full of tanna, and a melta.

>>5166884

The Emperor lights a cigar as Caiphas asks what they're gonna do for a day.

"But Caiphas" you muse as you hand him some Tanna Tea "Didn't I already say? We're going to kill some Necrons"

It was about that time Caiphas noticed the tomb world suddenly looming before them, nearly blocked out by the massive Necron fleet.

You weren't perturbed though. On the contrary, you were at that very moment, quite effortlessly disabling every single machine in one vast, psychic wave. Necron after Necron fell inert as your mind swept over their vast armada

Caiphas laughed "Emprah, you are the bomb.com. Should we go about destroying their planet and ships?"

"No, sweet Caiphas, no. Our green skinned friends are currently raiding their world and boarding their ships. You see, I told them to make the deactivated Necrons... more Orky"

>>5166894

Right before the curbstomp, Emps says this:
"Death is servant of only the Emperor."

>>5166911
Fuck that, curbstomp the nightbringer.

>>5166905
PUNCH THAT FUCKING PLANET IN HALF

That deceiver guy annoyed the shit out of you, and you feel mad.

I'm going to have to work this into a Dark Heresy campaign at some point.

>>5166905

Looted All-Necrons-Ever.

Bowie Emprah is the best Emprah.

>>5166905
We're going to assrape chaos.
BUT SAVE CULTIST! She's probably a good fuck.

Melt down Necrons.
Make bigger pauldrons.

>>5166905
FUCK YEAH!

Jurgen's smell preturbs you a bit so you turn him into a clean, healthy, unbeliveably sexy woman so she's easier on the senses.

Orkrons. Fuckin' right. I think Abaddon is hankering for another Awesome-Get-Shit-Done-Sucessful Crusade though.

Right. We got the major players all in line. Lets give the little guys a go.

Send out a psycic message to every being in the galaxy. Let 'em know what we're about to do and let 'em know its going to be hella fun. Anyone who wants to join is welcome. Drinks are on the house.

>>5166897
Would the blankey blankness give our Emperor a mild migraine, or would the emperor turn jurgen into an alpha psyker?

>>5166905
LOOTED NECRONS

DRAWFAG THIS SHIT

>>5166917

On second thought, you realize the Necron armada is enough. You finish your tea, stand proudly upon Cinnamon, and salute Caiphas

You'll be right back

You rocket towards the planet, one fist balled and coked back. The planet's crust zooms up in one screaming red fury. Tears stream down your face due to the awesome speed in which you fell, and flames from reentry licked at your flowing brown hair

All the while, you were singing Starman by David Bowie off his album, Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars

With one mighty blow, your fist shoots out, meeting the planet's surface moments before your body struck it.

You hung in the air, motionless, suspended only by your fist. Suddenly, there was a great cracking noise. You stood and dusted your hands as the planet began to split in twain

With a mighty leap, you launched yourself back to the fleet, and deftly resaddled Cinnamon

Caiphas handed you another cup of tea as the planet exploded.

Remember to pick up Creed on your way to the Eye. He'd want to join in.

Ask him for cigars.

>>5166930

Bitch please. The only thing keeping Jurgan's head from exploding at this point is our sheer will. We are like the anti-blank.

>>5166935
Turn your Armada into the biggest fucking Titan ever.

>>5166935
We need the tactical genius. Emprah acts as a.. err.. scout.

>>5166951

This. Then have creed hide it so we can take the chaos bitches by surprise.

THAT WEREN'T NO DJ, THAT WAS

HAZY COSMIC JAM

While you're waiting to arrive at the Eye of Terror, gather together Gaunt, Ciaphus, Creed, and pull Horus out of the past.

It's time... TO ROCK. THE FUCK. OUT.
Ciaphus on base, you on main guitar and main vocals, Horus on drums, Gaunt on the keyboard, and Creed runs the special effects.

>>5166959
HIDE IT IN A DREADNAUGHT!

>>5166967

Horus? Fuck that. Pull Lord Commander Solar Macharius. Dude could rock those drums.

>>5166959
An Titan the size of two thousand suns magically appearing in the Eye of Terror? "Just as planned."

>>5166971
Make Armada sized titan, have Creed hide it in Caiphas's pocket.

>>5166967

Why would you get Horus when you could bring back Rogal FUCKING Dorn?

>>5166967

This is it. The night before battle. There is only one thing left to do.

You paint a red lightning bolt over your face, ala Ziggy, and gather Gaunt, Ciaphus, Creed, and fuck it, you whimsy up your long lost son from the past, Horus

"Father, I-I'm so sorry, I--"

"Hush now, dear son," you say. "Now is not the time for that. Pick up those drumsticks."

You turn and ask your men if they can feel it. They all ask, "Feel what?"

The gaunt just kind of screeches

You smile, lower your shades, and hit a power chord so powerful that the planet you just exploded reformed itself and exploded again, instantaneously

"CAN YOU FEEL THE POWER OF RAWK?!"

you then proceeded to rock out, your entire fleet witnessing this glorious spectacle

Your guitar solo was so epic, you rode Cinnamon up to the system's star and used it to heat your guitar strings, so that they may shoot fire.

Welcome to space. Population: Emprah

Damnit /tg/! Where are the fucking drawfags!

But... how can you beat the power of father and son, reunited at last in a glorious moment of asskickery?

>>5166986
If there is one thing worthy of drawfaggotry, it's this.

Fuck I kinda messed that last one up but I am a little drunk and its hard to concentrate on so many requests

>>You smile, lower your shades, and hit a power chord so powerful that the planet you just exploded reformed itself and exploded again, instantaneously

>"CAN YOU FEEL THE POWER OF RAWK?!"

>you then proceeded to rock out, your entire fleet witnessing this glorious spectacle

>Your guitar solo was so epic, you rode Cinnamon up to the system's star and used it to heat your guitar strings, so that they may shoot fire.

>>Welcome to space. Population: Emprah

OH MY GOD

Why did I make The Gaunt screech lol

Oh fuck. I wish I could do this, I really do. But I tremble in terror and my fingers quiver whenever the idea of putting this to paper even crosses my mind.

Plus I've got real life shit to do right now. Good luck guys. Thanks Emprah Bowie.

>>5166988
it's to early for me to draw.

come back in a few hours

this reminds me of that one time I played Dungeons and Dragons, except I'm not the only one enjoying it this time.

>>5166978

This. Holy shit this.

Someone better fucking archive this.

>>5167003

Who cares? more damn you more!

>>5167008
This would be the perfect time to end session and you could pick it up again later.
Also its Archived.

its been archived

>>5167009

The Emperor salutes his Tech Priest, Naile, as they fly away to some distant planet

Okay, enough twelve hour rock concerts. It's time to get down to business

You look around you. Imperium. Eldar. Tau. Necrons. Orkz. Tyrannids. And for some reason the Dark Eldar tagged along to those fucking poser ass fuckers nobody asked them god you hate them sometimes

The leaders of all the races met in your warroom on the massive Battlebarge Cuntreamer, your new flagship.

It was time to get to bzns. How were you to overthrow Chaos once and for all?

Emprah Bowie, I hearby declare you Saint in the Order of Questing and Writefaggotry.

>>5167003

Fear not-Everything's better drunk.

Let's give Eldrad a call- if he's got any more complaints, we fry his ass and take the eldar as our own. And we proceed to rock out with Prince "Dongzilla" Yriel, Pirate Prince With A Laser Eyepatch Who Cockslaps Hive Tyrants To Death.

>>5167008
>>5167008
You were probably thinking 'nid gaunts.

>This Thread.

I...

I understand now...

I was born to witness this moment.

>>5166986

We still need our virgin alien chick. Lets get macha on the line and find out why the fuck our dick isnt up her ass at this very moment.

>>5167029
>cuntreamer

oh lawd.

Try diplomacy, fly the entire armada straight into the EoT and don't fire on anything, then seek parley with the Gods, they won't say no cause fuck you he's the emprah.

ftr I would give my eternal soul to whoever draws the Emperor with the Ziggy Stardust lightning stripe on his face while rocking out

I swear I will

Dear god... Empra Bowie...

Its Beautiful!

>>5167052

This.

>>5167029

first I blink-warp the armada to that Red Hole that appeared in the third edition map, and cunt-punch GW into lowering their prices, then I resume the quest of rock.

>>5167050
We still have a few hours, I'd say. Giant orgy, she isn't invited. She'll cry, Eldrad is a dick.

>>5167063

>third
*fifth

goddamnit, late night mind.

Plan? We don't need to stinkin' plan!

CHAAAAAAAARGE!

>>5167052

Maccha steps forward. "Chaos may be our eternal enemies, but waging war would only strengthen them. I suggest we use diplomacy, and, if needed, the Emperor's overwhelmingly powerful psychic presence to quell them."

>>5167050

You nod thoughtfully at her words and tell her that's some good advice

You then take her in one arm and cram a tongue down her throat, then spin her around and toss her aside, your cigarette somehow in HER mouth, the right way around.

She can meet you back in your chamber after this day is won.

Help Vance motherfucking Stubbs find his hundred baneblades and throw them all into the Eye of Terror filled with the biggest Orks you can find.

START LOOTIN AND STOP MUCKIN ABOUT

>>5167072

We challenge the gods... to a ROCK OFF!

You get sick and tired of the leader of the Dark eldar being a douche. You punch them so hard they enter the eye of terror an blow apart the skull throne, flinging Khorn onto Tezneech's Chessboard, Tezneech gets pissed because he didn't plan it so he grabs Khornes leg and flings him off, hitting Nurgle, It devolves into a tree way brawl with Slannesh joining in for the shits and giggles.

>>5167074
Throw them in? This is why we have Creed.

>>5167074
I think Creed has been using them all along.

>>5167081
oh god.

Nurgle on drums, T man on bass, Khorne on lead and Slannesh rocking vocals? Its like the ultimate metal band.

>>5167081

This.

>>5167097

MOTHER OF GOD HOW DO I PREORDER TICKETS FOR THE MOST AWESOME BATTLE OF THE BANDS EVER

>>5167097
The Big T should be rolling with backup vocals and make sure they keep changing, always in the undertones of course.

We all know how this needs to end...

we have to challenge the gods of chaos to a rawk awff.

ITT: If Tenacius D played Warhammer 4k

>>5167074

Vance mfing Stubbs suggested that we throw his hundred Baneblades into the Eye of Terror, filled with the biggest Orkz you could find

>>5167077

The Orkz were in agreement with this, on the condition that they also get to smash and stomp

>>5167081

Caiphas suggests that you challenge the ruinous powers to a rock off, because surely they can not match your aseome guitar skillz?

Throughout the meeting your fingers are tented in front of your face, your mind spinning. This was a dire moment, a dark moment, and quite possibly, the final moment.

As a techpriest flushes your armor (cause you have been pissing this entire time), you stand and place a hand on the table.

"Men, women, brave aliens... your words are wise and your plans true, but I am afraid they will not be enough, singly. With a heavy heart I must declair..."

you pause for effect, then raise your head, smiling cooly

"THAT WE DO ALL OF THEM AT THE SAME FUCKEN TIME! Caiphas, hand me my guitar. Stubbs, ready your THOUSAND baneblades (thats right fucker) Orkz, get ready to stomp. The rest of you, provide support against the Traitor Legions"

"Oh and Dark Eldar,"

Then you punch the collective entirety of the Dark Eldar (with one punch) so hard that they fly into the Eye of Terror itself, where they are all ripped apart by daemons

The four Chaos Gods watched the Deldar's demise and knew that battle was soon upon them

>>5167107
I do not think it would be safe for mortals to hear.

That's assuming that it's awesomeness hasn't transcended sound.

>>5167119

Oh my god this thread is made of gold.

>>5167118
Fuck yeah. This thread is awesome!

I've never played 40k. Never intend to. All I know about the game, I've learned from /tg/.

This thread has reminded me of the simple pleasure that unabashed power fantasies bring.

Okay folks dis is it

Da final battal

>>5167119
We may need some help to defeat the collective Chaos gods in a rock off... we should enlist Malal.

>>5167119
When the Emperor arrives in the eye of chaos Half the trator leagions explode from the force of his sheer awesome. Standing with one foot upon the corpse of Abbadon The Empra raises his guitar into the air and proclaims.

"EMPRA UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER!*

>>5167154
Fuck no, if we're going to have a rock off, why dont we simply use our awesome powers to ressurect Freddy Murphy and we'll hold the most epic rock duet of all times.

Have all our alien Auxiliaries form a symphony. Along with our core metal, we're going to rock Opera chaos from fucking existence.

>>5167173
*Mercury, not Murphy.
My bad.

>>5167154
No, we need to STEAL KHARN!

Sitting in their vile lair, the Eye of Terror, the four Chaos gods watched the approach of half the fuckin galaxy

Abbaddon was shaking in his pantaloons "Blessed Chaos, what will we do? Surely we are no match for them! His mastery over glam rock is unequaled!"

Khorne laughed and swatted the cowardly marine away. "Stupid pink thing. Glam rock is totally gay, it's not 1972 anymore."

Nurgle belched and rubbed his bloated, festering belly. "Indeed, for we all know that the blues is the only TRUE genre of Chaos!"

Khorne roared and smashed one of his mighty axes into a nearby planet. "Fool! Death Metal is where it's at!"

Slaanesh looked up from a star system he had been fucking "I dunno I kinda like shoegaze"

Nurlge laughed, pus erupting form his mouth "You are such a faggot Slaanesh I swear"

Tzeentch quieted his brothers with a single raise of his hand. He smirked. "No. There is only one thing that can defeat the Emperor and his cronies. Only one genre of music."

The others laughed. "Like YOU would know" one of them said I dunno who

"I know all. I am lord Tzeentch. I am King Shit of Chaos. No, the only genre that can defeat glam rock is, quite clearly, METAL. Gather your instruments, gentlemen."

"It is time we meet this "Emperor" and show him what REAL music sounds like."

Thank you, I was losing hope in /tg/, and then THIS.

Also, toasting in an epic bread.

>>5167191
Bracing for epic and taking a shit in advance in the slight hope that I can save a pair of pants.
But I doubt it.

Get the most jittery, cowardly, yet loyal Guardsman you can find. Hand him a guitar. He WILL do the solo. Don't worry.

>>5167173
< ?

>>5167177

You call the Tau and Eldar over and ask them if they know how to rock it classical style

Nothing makes rock sound better than a symphony

The aliens seemed indignant that you would doubt their musical abilities, but you shut them up with a quick glare.

You could feel through the aether of the warp the Chaos gods conspiring.

The fools. For some reason they think that the God fucking Emperor is limited to one genre.

Yeah, this is all sorts of awesome. I'll finish reading this in the sup/tg/ archives.

Niggas, this best be getting archived.

tell creed to go play chess with Tzeentch and their brains fry

Is this auto-saging? Should I make a new thread?

>>5167221
>>5167221
>>5167221
>>5167221
Yes! Make a new thread!

Probably not a bad idea.

kk *salutes thread*

>>5167191

Don't forget to have the machine spirit of my guitar be Slash.

Praise the Emperor that I decided to come here and click on the first thread I saw.

This has been archived with at least four votes.

No.5167245

new thread

>>5167245
NEW THREAD

>>5166934

I am too drunk for this

ORCS RIDING NIDS

OI

WHERE THE FUCK IS OLLANIOUS PIOUS or whatever the fuck his name is