>>5183071
My players loved it, and one player asked to keep it. They loved how he would put snark into good advice, and was willing to insult himself as much as he bragged about himself. They also loved his flippant attitude. It wasn't long before they started checking to see if there was more by him that they could get their hands on. Thus the tradition of me going over pages of parchment until my eyes bled became a tradition.

At times it's worked to my advantage. If I didn't have time to prepare that night's adventure, I could just drop a hint that somebody in the area had a copy of a page from one of the books. They'd pretty much write the adventure for me, discussing how they'd try and find who had it, then arguing plans on how to get their grubby mitts on it. Then at the end of the night I'd let them have it, and tell them "I'll put the finishing touches on it before next session." It works out well; usually they feel a sense of accomplishment for "outsmarting" me, earning a cool souvenir in the process, and I got to hide the fact that I spent all week playing a video game.

>>5183085
We're starting a new game, though, and one player came to me with an idea. His character would be the son of a merchant that was well-read. He'd come across a book of questionable authenticity that was reportedly penned by a member of one of James' adventuring parties. Basically, a book of wit and wisdom. This kid became enamored with it, possessed with it, and started using it like a book of koans or as a divination tool. Problem arises, open it to a random page, and try to intemperate the first quote that he read in such a way that it would apply to the situation at hand.

Now, I'm not going to slave over parchment for this, but I think that it might be cool to have a list of quotes, some of them applicable to possible situations that might arise in this adventure, but most not. Let him roll the dice, compare it to a chart, then write down the quote on a note for him. I'd like some help, though, especially since it might not be by somebody that actually traveled with James. (In which case, the poor fool that penned it had better run for his ever-loving life.)

Here's some examples that I have so far.

Liking this so far...

>>5183088
"Anybody in black robes holding a bloody knife and chanting is obviously evil. Unless it's me, of course."
"Wine, women, and song. Who could ask for more? Unless you're a woman, I guess. And money is nice. And..."
"A nice place to visit. If you like the smell of a charnel house, that is."
"On this side, we have a fool eager to part with his life. On that side... I'm too lazy to try and come up with a different description for the same thing."
"By whatever gods this area worships! I do NOT want to adopt any more Kobolds this week!"
"All I want is a girl in one arm and an artifact that can destroy nations in the other. Is that too much to ask?"
"Yeah, I guess I could blackmail myself into royalty. But that requires responsibility."
"Anybody see a blonde with a case of crabs come through here? My bag of gold wants to thank her face."
"I've trained Kobold paladins, Kobold wizards, Kobold messengers, Kobold rangers, Kobold archers, Kobold priests, and once, even a Kobold hooker. I'm... not proud of that last one."

>>5183105
"Apparently somebody replaced all our potions of healing with vials of FUCKTARDED STUPIDITY."
"That was a good practical joke, yeah. Got me good there. Oh, by the way, while you were sleeping last night I talked Omar's familiar into fornicating with your ear. No hard feelings, yeah?"
"I train flightless birds to use simple weapons whenever I get the chance. I think it evens the odds."
"Shit, they're going to pin this revolution on me, aren't they? Damnit, Omar, this is why we HIDE any bodies we come across."
"What do you mean, drink? Water's only good for drowning."
"Quick! Somebody mug somebody! I'm behind on my good deed quota."
"You want advice? Fine. Always pick a group of far less skill and ability than yourself to travel with. Their fresh faces, hopeful vigor, and new ideas will go far in keeping you remembering why you're out here. Also, you can slack off since they won't have enough of a rep to warrant them taking on the really dangerous stuff, and when they eventually do get in over their heads you can make yourself seem far more badass than an experienced group would think."
"It's good luck if a bird craps on you. It helps you aim for your next meal."
"I think I need to change up my clothes a bit. Next town we're in, I'm buying a pink thong and only wearng that. OUR ENEMIES WILL FLEE IN TERROR... or die laughing. Both work for my advantage."
"I have no elven blood in me. I stay so young by devouring the souls of party members who annoy me with questions."
"We're going to take on all the denizens of New Hope. With a name like that, I can safely say we're thoroughly screwed. If you die, can I have your money pouch?"
"I've only once been convinced that I was going to die. That was the best brothel ever."

Since i dont really have anything too constructive to say Ill just tell you what I dont like OP

>You want advice? Fine. Always pick a group of far less skill and ability than yourself to travel with. Their fresh faces, hopeful vigor, and new ideas will go far in keeping you remembering why you're out here. Also, you can slack off since they won't have enough of a rep to warrant them taking on the really dangerous stuff, and when they eventually do get in over their heads you can make yourself seem far more badass than an experienced group would think.

dont like this one at all.

Some of them seem like somthing deadpool might say, they kind of break the 4th wall, for me atleast.

>>5183105
>"I've trained Kobold paladins, Kobold wizards, Kobold messengers, Kobold rangers, Kobold archers, Kobold priests, and once, even a Kobold hooker. I'm... not proud of that last one."

I want in on this game now. I have no idea how that would be interpreted for any in-game situation. I want to see how the player would handle it.

>"I've only once been convinced that I was going to die. That was the best brothel ever."

I want to be in your game too.

This thread has barely started and I can already tell it's going to be archive worthy.

My name is Omar, and I am strangely honoured for having known this 'James'.

Most of those quotes would put him much more into evil territory than good. They'd also be bound to affect this one character rather negatively in the long run, if he's been following their advice since childhood.

>>5183171
I wanted on that was kind of a slap in the face of the party that we was with, but in a complimentary way. None of these are the greatest -- usually I compose the page before and the page after in my head as well, so that each page that the party gets a hold of feels like it came out of a real book. It makes coming up with the more humorous bits easier, too. That said, I'm not willing to devote the time needed to try and write a whole book for this. A page a campaign is more than enough for me, you know? So it's kind of hard to come up with stuff that feels like somebody who's smarter, wittier, worldlier, and kind of jaded would say to a group of wet-behind-the-ears twerps he's attached himself to who keep on begging for advice.

As for breaking the fourth wall... Yeah, I got nothin' I can say about that.

>>5183257
He doesn't really sound evil to me, just mainly sarcastic and smarmy.

"Don't believe in yourself. Believe in the you who can run faster than the rest of your team mates."
"Only trust elves as far as you can throw them, which, considering their airy weight and angular features, is suprisingly far."
"If life gives you lemons, well, its time to open your mind to the possibilities of magic stone."
"If you have to ever hang over a chasm to just barely save someone, uttering 'never let go' boosts morale more than 'shit, you are heavy.'"

>>5183257
Which is part of the reason why I came here for help. I need more good-aligned quotes/advice for him to give.

The players all know (or at least believe) that he's not a bad guy -- he just likes his vices and occasionally has a bad attitude. Their general consensus is that he's CN. Not Chaotic Stupid, or lolrandom, but more of "been there, done that, so now I'm following my impulses in hopes of something new."

Example: In one story they got (one of the few times I wrote multiple pages) he went to a country that dealt in slaves. Originally, he didn't seem to have a real problem with it, until he went into one brothel. He asked if they had anybody "exotic" there, and was taken to an elf. She'd had her arms and feet cut off and cauterized to prevent regeneration via magic. He ended up slaughtering the owners, buying ALL the slaves there from the ensuing public market, and started working with them to try and make them productive members of society. He ended up getting an artificer to make the elf new arms and feet, and began his own personal holy war against the country. From that point on, he would release a book every year detailing every single secret that he'd dredged up about said country.

(The point of that story was that they had to hunt down the elf chick's granddaughter, as she held the information that the party needed -- now that they had a name, they could find her. Unfortunately, the granddaughter had very little information about James, other than her grandmother had always described him as a gentle man of bottomless wells of kindness, tempered by a righteous fury that couldn't be stopped. Which, just like any other piece of information on James, seemed to contradict other things the players had read.)

"I figure, the pouch was bloody, so he probably killed someone for it. Since I'm a protector of the just and innocent, I waited for him to visit the outhouse, subdued him, and took the pouch for myself - a force of good, if there ever was one. Now I'm going to have to was all this blood off, before someone thinks I killed an innocent person for it, like that brigand did."

"Did you know outhouses are great for hiding bodies in? Noone ever spends a lot of time looking in them."

"If had I wanted to spend so much on whores, I wouldn't have spent so much on ale!"

"I guess as far as whores go, you get what you pay for... I suppose that goes for venereal diseases as well..."

"If you are ever travelling with a bunch of people that don't know what to eat, or what not to eat, it's sometimes better to not eat."

"If the bread can move, it's not worth chasing after."

"Don't tell me that bedbugs are a problem. If an inn has bedbugs, it means the beds get slept in. Not like that one tavern at Innsmouth, where they drug your food, drag you to the celler, torture you for hours, and hack off your limbs to cook, drug, and sell to other people. That place had the cleanest rooms around."

"... but by HIS logic, we would all be dead now. So you see, sometimes summoning a while IS the answer!"

>>5183353
That last one should read *whale*.

>>5183330
Okay, all those are going in, but I really love that last one. It's one part honestly useful advice, and one part "Well, DUH, you should already know this."

>>5183232
You should be! But, then again, who can tell if James was honored to have known you...

>>5183353
A few of these will need reworked a little, but I laughed at more of them than I care to admit. ...and realized that some of them were EXACTLY the kinds of things that James would probably just say out of nowhere in the middle of a meal. Well done.

>>5183370
Hah! Not likely!

"And that's the easiest way to get people to follow you; don't go through all the work of making sure they owe you- just make them think they do."

"The sorceror told me that love is just a construct of our biology, and that its existence as something that supposedly makes us more than 'human' was a conceit we thought up to make us sound special.

Didn't stop us from getting hitched though. Best 10 years of my life. The other 22 weren't bad either."

Taken from Battle Realms 'cause I'm lazy.

"Fight not for me, but for the sake of your honor. Should you fall, others will remember this day as your greatest."

"Let my foes perish in sulfur and smoke; for them, the underworld will hold no surprises!"

"Honor belongs to the lowly, as well as to the great."

"Before I was given my blade, I had nothing in this wretched world. Now taste its edge, and my triumph!"

"The sound of an enemy screaming in agony is always sweetest from a safe distance."

"I'll fight to the death any man I can't outrun."

"I have not the jaws of the Wolf, nor the ferocity, or the speed… but I do have friends."

"Sure, I'll accept any man's honorable surrender-as long as he's willing to shake on it."

"If it takes more than one hit, you're not doing it right."

"My struggles above the earth merely delay my final sleep there."

3:00 AM, shit.

>>5183432
Oh, here's another one:

"Compensation? No, it's emphasis."

"Look him dead in the eye and say 'The only problem is, I'm your father.' and if he so much as BLINKS... you've got him."
"Seek refuge in audacity, the best crimes are ones no one believes that anyone could ever pull off, if just for sheer absurdity."
"Reality is based on consensus. If you can convince someone of this hard enough, then getting them into a crab costume while wearing purple corduroy pants is not outside of your reach."
"The downtrodden speak the language of fear, the gifted speak the language of love, the winners speak fear to the gifted ~and it sticks~."
"Always go back for the baby. Always. People are insane about children. What kind of insane is best not to think about."
"The effective leader is one who decides exactly what's going to happen and then everyone else thinks they came up with it. The effective ruler is the one who wins no matter what other people decide without expending any effort on changing their decisions."

Im liking alot of these.

"If you sit with your back to a door, you can't see the big, bad, ugly men come in, the ones who are looking to cut your ears off for the collection they have around thier necks."

"Everyone sits facing the front door. That's why I come in through the kitchen."

"Never trust a mage with a wand in his hand."

"If it smells like a dog, acts like a dog, and won't leave you alone, don't kick it if it's parents are around."

"Elves are great librarians, just don't tell them what paper is made out of."

"Dragons can be surprisingly generous if they don't know you are there."

"A path of gold is both loud and slippery."

"Dragons can be surprisingly viscious if you can't walk on air."

"If a tree asks you to move off it's roots, it's time to stop being a lumberjack."

"... Oh, you mean the forest where the cannabalistic faeries hunt naked grown men for sport? Yeah, it depends on when you go."

"A cloak is a great tool. You can wear it, sleep on it, carry things in it, hide things under it, make a tent out of it, cover a partulary gruesome body with it, if a lady is present.... Just don't wear it again 'till after you've washed it."

"Deals with Devils are often better upkept and enforced than covenants with Gods. I'm not saying one is better than the other, but sometimes customer support is a good thing."

"I've had at least seven dogs accompany me on my journeys. I always have enjoyed having a friend in a tight spot, and the dog has always enjoyed a free meal and compassion. Well, I guess I mean, don't be afraid to be a friend to someone who needs one."

and then

"One thing I've found universally true is that human beings are all intrinsically good. Deep down inside, they all want to do what's best, and they can be salvaged and forgiven and repent for their god. But when one of them kills your dog, you can forget human decency. Having a dog is a surefire way to know who's got a soul and who doesn't-- and the ones who don't always aim for the dog first."

and then

"I've had seven dogs accompany me on my journey and now all of them are dead. I've seen them all killed by people, by ceilings, by creatures.. and I think about them on nights like this and say, why didn't I try? I could have saved them, but I just watched. And I guess I mean, even if you almost die in the process, always go back for your friends, no matter how little they mean to you, because when they're gone and you think back on the stupid things they did, they'll mean a lot. Shit, what am I saying..."

I have a question for you OP

I like the idea for this guy. Have you decided what his story is?

"Don't look anyone you plan on killing in the eye."
"I met a monk in Shao'Tze who said he was one with the universe. When I asked how many fingers I had behind my back, he told me and then I punched him in the face. I guess I mean, no matter how smart or powerful someone thinks they are, they never expect a sucker punch from someone they underestimate."
"Invest in good shoes, a good cloak, a nice hat and a lantern, and then don't be afraid to lose it all to get away with your life."
"Don't aim for the face unless you want the other person to know you mean business. A scar in the stomach is forgettable; a scar on the face is a dramatic confrontation at the worst possible time."

>>5183589
>Have you decided what his story is?

He has no story. No past to know of, aside from a couple little hints shown in his book. That's a big part of his entire point.

I'm sorry I'm not encouraging everybody individually, but there's a LOT of good stuff here! I don't want half the posts to be nothing but "I really like this" because that gets old fast.

>>5183589
Yeah, and it took a lot of thought. Originally, when I realized how long-lived he was, I thought he was an elf. At the same time, that didn't sit right with me. Then I considered half-elf. It'd help explain his jaded nature, but when I write for him, he doesn't strike me as a half-breed. It's all or nothing. A litch, maybe? No, no, though he's willing to do very questionable things, he always likes the dead be dead. Maybe a wizard that found a way to expand his lifespan indefinitely? A possibility. Maybe a god of some sort? A god of secrets perhaps, who reveals secrets to punish those who don't put enough effort into hiding their secrets? Another good possibility. A faceless organization or family line, all hiding behind one name? Could be interesting. And then, suddenly, it hit me plain as day.

It doesn't matter. He's a plot device, something that the players find cool and look forward to. He's the great unknown that will never be covered. You WANT to know about him, but at the same time, if you ever find out it will just ruin the appeal, I think. It's a way for me to give the players what they need, entertain the players, or just plain old fuck with the players. That's all that I need to know.

>>5183675
OR ghostwriters. They saw the price others are willing to pay for one of James' parchments and wanted to cash in on a dead man's legacy?

As a player that's how I'd see it.

"If a Paladin you're consorting with attempts to let someone villainous and distinctly evil go free, knock the paladin unconscious and kill this villain. If you don't, they will come back to fuck you later. This happens 100 percent of the time."

"Many of my companions over the years have questioned why I always have 100 feet of rope on me. Then we need to tie people up. Or hang a bandit. Or hang a not-quite-bandit to show we mean business. Or climb a wall. Or catch a fleeing beast. Or start a fire. After the 5th outing, they learn to buy some rope."

"There are a lot of things that can get lost between cultures, but I've found one relatively stable cultural point: Don't put fluids from inside you on others."

"A man can learn a lot from dogs. They're loyal, they circle three times before sleeping, and they're willing to eat anything. On the other hand, they'll get into anything they like, no matter how much it stinks, they'll listen to anything said in a firm enough voice, and frequently they crap on other people's things."

"If you find the monster sleeping, it's best to just take what you want and go. If what you want is it's life, try not to disturb it."

"A lot of people have asked me what honor is, and while the Paladins and clerics have a lot of long winded answers, I've worked one out for myself: If you'd get pissed if someone did it to you, it's probably not."

>>5183701
A player actually tried that once. After he sold the book (for quite an impressive sum, I might add) I rolled a d20 for every day that passed in-game. It was almost a year later when I rolled a 20, and they were in a dungeon at the time. That was fine. I waited until they were back out and staying at a town. The character woke up the next morning with his horse's head in the bed with him, a note attached.

"You ought not use my name for your gain. -James"

After discovering that the EXACT AMOUNT HE'D SOLD THE BOOK FOR had been stolen from him, it lead to a great bit of play where he was accusing everybody in the party of being a snitch. I figure that even if the books were ghostwritten, people would still try and pass themselves off as being the "real" James and get revenge on each other in an appropriate way.

Once all my players firmly decided he was either CN, I decided to run with it in as an intelligent manner as possible. If I'm never going to give them what they want with his "real" story, the least that I can do is humor them in other ways.

"Mercy's great. By Mercy, I am of course referring to Madame Amelia's highest priced lady of the evening. Letting people live after you beat them is just stupid, with a couple exceptions. (ie, I doubt finishing off that dwarf in the bar brawl's gonna win you any favors.)"

"Dragons are the favored targets of all adventurers, they're big, cool to brag about, and have a (frequently literal) ton of treasure. What few adventurers think about is that all of these facts are why dragons favor fighting adventurers."

"When it doubt, whip it out. "It" being a weapon. Better to be the guy with the sword than the guy with his pants down."

also bumpan

"If the guy in heavy armor doesn't charge into combat, you've got a problem. If the guy who heals you charges into combat, you've got a serious problem. If the guy who heals you is the guy in heavy armor, you might as well just stay in bed."

"I'm told that there's a cycle to life. A balance if you will. That it's the only thing that you can count on within the universe. I disagree; there's one more thing that you can depend on the universe to provide you. Irony."

"I've yet to meet an orc that I didn't like. You always know immediately where you stand with them by how far their veins bulge."

"When you're at the end of your rope, do something completely stupid. You'd be surprised how many people will think it's brilliant."

"Save as many lives as you can. Ask for nothing in return unless offered, and even then take only what you need. You never know when somebody will decide that you're worth dying for if you do."

"Never travel with an ugly woman. They always get upset when you talk with the other guys about the set of knockers the wench had at the last inn."

Hey OP
could you post some of james storys like this one >>5183339 ?

I find myself starting to read all these quotes as if it was Jaimie Lannister saying them.

>>5183891

>James the Wanderer
>James
>Jaime Lannister

>>5183883
I can't post them verbatim or anything -- the players usually keep the parchment, and I don't actually type it out or anything first. I find that when your first (and hopefully last) draft is written out by hand using an ink well, you end up trying to do the most that you can with the fewest words possible. Saves a lot of time, and you can skip a lot of the boring bits. If you wouldn't mind a brief synopsis without the good quotes or anything, though, I can try and provide some of those.

Most of them, though, are mainly bits about X country, or Y monster, or Z dungeon. In my 3.x games, I usually counted any book as providing a hefty bonus towards a Lore check of whatever subject the book is about. The story about the elf chick was something that I got a huge bout of inspiration over, which is why it lasted so long.

"Be quick. Always look for opportunities, and always take them when you get them. Don't let something slip through your fingers, because you may never get another chance. Be quick. If you bring a knife to a gun fight, stab them while they're laughing. Be quick."

"Look, I don't care if your Wizard is curious. You don't. Touch. Anything. Get it?"

"I've been everywhere in my years, son. But let me tell you, there is nothing worse...than a group of Parrots. Just trust me."

Pretty sweet idea, though the name is a bit... well, you probably know already. Here's a few.

"Still not sure on the subject of Dwarves - they're as stubborn as they come, but every now and again you run into a cask of ale that'll make you reconsider."

"Next to a good length of rope, there's nothing more important on a long journey than a reliable water skin. Disagree all you want, but don't knock it until you pause to refill it at a clear stream only to have your hand nipped clean off by a giant turtle. Better to need a new hand than if you'd knelt to drink."

"Never buy more than a single round of drinks for the whole place, otherwise they might get too drunk to remember who got 'em that way."

"Never trust wild mushrooms 'till the guy who picked 'em tries one first."

"On the topic of larceny: If you think you're above it, you ain't never wanted something bad enough."

Here's a few more from ANON:

"Most people instinctively believe what they are told until they have had time to think it over. Unfortunately, when it comes to the more... creative suggestions, most people think pretty fast. That's why the real key to subterfuge is not giving them time to think."

"On a related note, never borrow gold from anyone who wears human body parts as jewelry."

I would imagine that somewhere along his travels, James found a means to extend his life or even become immortal.

One story sticks out in my mind, really. James was staying in a temple for a week -- I don't think that I ever said why. His entire time there, he just got more and more pissed off by the place. He woke up one morning and it hit him. The temple was making holy symbols for priests, other temples, the whole shebang. Just pumping them out. So he gets himself all trussed up for battle, beats the living tar out of all of the priests present, and sets about desecrating the entire temple. Every holy symbol there was smashed, destroyed, etc. He also mentioned that some the stains he made sure to leave on the floor wouldn't come out easy. In the end, though, he let one symbol go unscathed. It wasn't even made by a priest, just a local village boy who made it out of clay. Ugly thing, terrible. But he hung that up behind the alter. He considered it disgusting that these people were just making holy symbols, all similar, uniform. He thought that no god would want that -- the boy's efforts caused the boy pride, and the boy hoped that the god would be pleased with his efforts. "If you aren't going to take pride in something that you make, no god worth his salt will like it either."

Another one is that there was a village that held an item that they needed. The village elder refused to hand it over. Kay, fine. He and his party leave, wait a week, then he cons one into summoning a huge storm into the area. A few days pass, and they come back in and help with the rebuild and give out gold to people who lost everything. He added a wry comment about how people always are more generous when they think that you're a hero.

Both of these were much more interesting in the full form, I promise.

>>5184066
That's WHY I chose the name, actually. It's bland, unheroic, not overly worthy of note. Ironic that somebody who can cause people to drop small fortunes has such a humble name, don't you think?

"ALWAYS turn the other cheek. So they can kiss that one as well."

James is just a normal human who found a way to be immortal. He found this way ages before he considered writing his first book. After becoming epic level and saving the world he got bored. He doesnt adventure or write for money or the thrill or anything. Hes lost all patience for political games so he does this to keep himself occupied. Its not even a game its just something to do for another day.

"Whenever possible, don't kill. Everybody has a brother, father, son, daughter, wife, uncle, whatever. They have somebody who will miss them, and believe me when I say there's nothing worse than somebody trying to kill you while you're having a roll in the hay."

"I once had to help some paladins slay a red dragon. Worst cookout I've ever been to."

"Never turn the other cheek. It helps to have one side of your body presentable to your baby's mother."

"Don't let people you don't trust prepare your meals for you. Unless you enjoy waking up in a whorehouse with a horrible migraine being raped by an ogre with tits the size of your head."

From Anon

"Be sure to always keep an eye out for new opportunities, especially ones that don't bulge your concealed pockets."

"Never visit slave brothels. Sure the shoulder rubs are nice, the service is excellent, and it's a relief to have a hot bath and clean small clothes for once, but always remember this: a man who sells slaves almost never pays for them."

"Everyone should spend a few months studying sorcery. One of the very first things they teach you is a spell called prestidigitation, and its all you really need. Unbelievably useful thing in all manner of situations. Warm meals with no fire, latrine visits with no stench, hell, once I even swapped a priceless gold idol for a duplicate I pulled out of thin air. It weighed the same and the trap didn't care. I doubled the gold I paid the old wizard to teach me in just the first week I ran my tavern. It sure helps the profit margins when nobody can tell the ale is watered."

"Just because it's cursed doesn't mean it's useless. There is a beast often mistaken for a magical bag called a bag of devouring; any fool who sticks his hand into it is liable to become it's next meal. Those who are sucked in are never seen again. That's why they never find the bodies."

"Adventures can be like a very long but simple drinking game. An ale afterward for every time you almost died is acceptable.

However, you'll find as time goes on, you will either drink less and less, or more and more,"

"I once met a pair of twin wizards who created a spell that allowed them to bounce any spell cast at them back towards the source. Great in theory, but nobody was interested in the spell any more when their game of 'bounce the lightning between us' resulted in one of the shields suddenly collapsing."

"I like kobolds. For the amount of attention I give a dog, I get a loyal companion who works hard and can handle a crossbow and can help loot bodies. What's not to love?"

>>5184403
>"I like kobolds. For the amount of attention I give a dog, I get a loyal companion who works hard and can handle a crossbow and can help loot bodies. What's not to love?"

I now imagine a trainer petting a kobold and cooing at him. "Who's a good kobold?"

I also imagine different kobold breeds, meant for many things. And kobold pets. A kid throwing ball with his loyal kobold.

"No matter what you do, no matter how bored you become, never, ever, show off. Next thing you know the prettiest girl you have ever met is begging you to save the world. It takes months for your hair to grow back, and you never get more then a kiss."

"Gold is like your wee bits. If you keep it in a bag you never have any fun."

"You would think it would be harder to sneak up on a beholder then a basilisk as the former is considerably smarter then the later, but you'd be wrong. Beholders rarely pay much attention to people they've turned to stone while basilisks are known to gnaw on their old victims to keep their teeth sharp. This matters when you are holding as still as you can manage while covered in foul-smelling grey paint. Also, beholder don't have noses."

"Angels might be better at keeping oaths, pacts, and contracts, but devils are better at righting them."

>>5184480
-er, writing.

Somebody needs to archive this shit.

"Sure, it might seem unfair, but believe me, making a bard audition before he joins your party will save you a LOT of trouble,embarrassment, and aggrivation in the long.

"If there's one thing that any well-respected adventurer, vagabond or fortune seeker should never leave home without it's a bottle of vinegar. Trust me, if you can only take one thing with you, take the vinegar. I have not yet come across a situation that could not be resolved or at least helped by my trusty ol' vinegar bottle."

"There was this one time that I found a small herb, looking very small and innocent, yet very peculiar. It was more strange yet that I even noticed it, seeing as at the time I was beyond myself in grief over the loss of my beloved. The herb looked like a small pod with a tiny purple flower on top of it. I picked it up, and for some reason that I couldn't even begin to fathom why, I was compelled to eat it. It just popped into my mind, that I should eat this bud. And I did. But being still grieving, I wished one more, like I had done countless times that day, that Joanna, my love, would somehow be returned to me. And just in that moment, I saw a figure come into view on a nearby hill. Squinting against the strong sunlight, I noticed a green quilted dress I somehow recognized. And trust me when I say no one was more stunned than me when it truly was Joanna who came running down that hill. I had seen her burn in that raging inferno that had been her parents home! With my own eyes! And she just claimed to not remember anything about that. And that, my friends, is the story of the Wishflower. Not that I have ever found one since."

"...And let that be a lesson to you. I was focused on the woman's chest that I didn't even notice the horns and bat wings..."

I love this James character. Can we have some drawfaggotry of him? Dude's awesome.

"I'm a study in contradictions. Sometimes I tell you there's not really any such thing as evil people. They all just try to do good from their own point of view. And who can really say that their vote on who is evil and who is not is worth more than anyone else's vote? And on the other hand, I tell you that the best way to see who's wicked is to see how they handle their whores."

"Lad, if there's anyone who deserves your respect it's the whores. They risk their innermost bodily intimacy just so you can have a good time. For a good coin, granted. But there's not many with the kind of willpower and sense of self that a whore needs to have and not just turn into a slave. So if I ever see you treating a wheelgirl badly again, I'll see to it you'll have not fists to hit her with."

"You know, I'm largely known as a wanderer. This makes people think I wander the world in search for all this stuff that happens to me. It never once occurred to anyone that I'm actually just wandering AWAY from stuff that has happened."

"Sometimes, people who wander aren't looking for something new. Occasionally people wander in search of something they lost."

"You see, I've been to every corner of this misbegotten continent, and I've been to every other continent and I've even been beyond this world more than a few times. Yet if there's one thing I've learned from all that I've seen it's that there is no place like home. And there is no love like a mothers love. And there is no respect like that of a fathers. Everything I've done, good or bad, everything I've seen. I would, without hesitation, give it all up to once again be five years old, sitting in the shadow of that great oak tree, the soft grass tickling the flats of my hands, my head in my mothers lap while she would softly sing, watching my father reaping the rye in long, fluid and decisive swings."

>>5184858
>"You see, I've been to every corner of this misbegotten continent, and I've been to every other continent and I've even been beyond this world more than a few times. Yet if there's one thing I've learned from all that I've seen it's that there is no place like home. And there is no love like a mothers love. And there is no respect like that of a fathers. Everything I've done, good or bad, everything I've seen. I would, without hesitation, give it all up to once again be five years old, sitting in the shadow of that great oak tree, the soft grass tickling the flats of my hands, my head in my mothers lap while she would softly sing, watching my father reaping the rye in long, fluid and decisive swings."

"But you'll never really understand this until you've been away from home for a while."

Could James be Fharlanghn?

"Destiny? There is no destiny. We all make our own paths, because we always have a choice. Like here, once there was this priest who tagged along with us while we were helping some rebels fight against their oppressive leaders. And in the middle of the revolution, he started to spout how 'it was my destiny to become a shining star and beacon of hope for all good and how I would rise to...' and he didn't get any further because at that point I kicked him in the crotch and just up and left. And another time, there was a crook that wanted a particular scroll that I had been payed to retrieve, and the crook had taken a little child and held a knife to his throat and told me that 'Either you give me the scroll or the kid dies. There is no other choice.' At which point, after some consideration, granted, I proceeded to stab myself in the stomach."

"Sometimes, especially when you're up against someone who think he's figured you out and know all what you're about and going to do, it's important to do the unexpected, the absolutely ludicrous. Not only will it throw them off balance, mentally at least, if you got your wits about you, you can turn most bad situations to your advantage this way."

"Most will tell you that everything must eventually die. This is true to an extent. Nothing, however, must die right now, regardless of what some government officials, crime lords, brothel owners, random passers-by, and a small, irritable, rather knife-obsessed dwarf might have to say about me.

"If someone begins to act strangely, it's often because he's hiding something or because he's possessed. The former might be a reason to get rid of them. The latter is a perfectly good excuse."

"When someone confuses you for a hero, try not to disabuse them of the notion. You wouldn't believe what people will freely give you if you play along."

"Coin is actually rather funny. You know, if you think about it, coin is nothing apart from a piece of metal. This value we ascribe to it is just that, ascribed by us. Or rather, not by us, but by the people who govern us. They get to decide how much something is worth, so they can make the best of the situation. And how people just accept that is beyond. Me. Forget cults and religion, the monetary plan is the single largest belief arrangement in place, because almost everyone accepts it unwaveringly. I'm not one for conspiracies, but if you look at it this way, bankers and merchants are far more strict and traditionalist than any priest will ever be."

>>5185053
"Never try to be a hero. It might be fun for the first while, and seem very great with all the attention and occasional free stuff. But the expectancies will just keep growing, and a hero who doesn't do his job is as close to worthless as you get."

>>5184983
Stolen, with some changes, for Exalted.

I imagine James' voice as a slightly more manly Jack Sparrow.

"I believe that the phrase 'The best whore I ever had' should be a compliment, since it requires skill and finesse to be a truly great prostitute. Despite this, almost every person you'll meet will be offended if you claim their mother is, in fact, the best whore you've ever had."

>>5185180
Are you insinuating that anything can be more manly than Jack Sparrow? HERESY.

I like the idea of not coming up with an explanation for James...
He isn't an elf, or a half-elf, or a demigod or anything.
He just IS.

Stolen from The Godfather - "A friend should always underestimate your virtues and an enemy overestimate your faults."

"[illegible] at which point I realised I was holding wine in one hand, and a penis in the other, neither of them belonging to me."

"The vagina of a princess is no different to the vagina of a tavern maid. Trust me on that one."

"A courtier shits just like a peasant. The difference is half the courtier's shit comes out of his mouth."

"A man who has a sword and no armor in the middle of a battlefield is either a conscript or a legend. Check the size of his codpiece, and you'll find your answer."

>>5185377
These I love.

This been archived already, yah?

"A strange rule of the universe is that bad guys love the sound of their own voices. Don't hesitate to stab 'em in the kidney in mid-monologue."

>>5184507
>>5185434
Look, you guys need to check the archive yourself before asking this around threads. I myself have the whole archive open in a different window and I update it every now and then.

Yes, this thread is there already. It was there hours before you requested its archive.

OP, when you compile all of these, you NEED to put a copy up available to download somewhere.

"eyes are beautiful things, a jar of them isn't..."

"If you yet read this with corporeal eyes, then congratulations! You are the second (through likely fifth) person to ever make it this far. Now for the love of god, turn back before you outshine me."

"You don't need to trust her. Just put your belt pouch somewhere else before bed."

>>5184954
That would literally be the most badass thing ever.

"[scary monster]s are just nature's way of saying, 'fear me, mortal.' "

>>5183088

"Any tyrant, any bully, any assailant, any evil comprehensible or not ends at the moment one resigns their will and stands up against,"

... continued on the next page...

"for death only hurts for a bit, really."

"Hobgoblins greet with closed fists only their dearest friends and respected allies. Hobgoblins greet with a smile only their prey."

"Have you ever tried laughing maniacally and intimidating the villain? Try it. Even if it doesn't scare them, they'll be quite flustered at you stealing their thunder, and it doesn't prevent you from firing your bow."

>>5185261

Go back to bed, Sean.

"The truth might very well set you free - but a small lie, a good bribe, and a quick getaway should never be underestimated."

"There are very few things as valuable or reliable as an old friend. The most notable exception is an old enemy."

"Ask again later."

>>5183795
Fuck, I just slapped my knee to the last one.

>>5185817
Stolen so hard.

"Don't make promises unless you're sure you can keep them. Except if you promise someone you're going to get them out of something alive: at least they won't come back to complain if you can't keep that one."

"It's not gay if you polymorph them into a woman first."

" Dwarves have no sense of humor. If they've been dead for a couple of centuries they have even less."

" The best part about halflings is that if you find a small hole in a dungeon you can cram them into it.
Ironically, you can rearrange the above sentence and it applies to late nights at the inn."

I should think that James actually died long ago, his name being a title that's actually secretly passed down through the ages, like that one pirate in Princess Bride. Anyway...

Stolen from Batman: The Brave and the Bold

"I have the heart of a hero. I keep it in a jar in my closet."

*page missing* "so in short, fish are never the correct answer."

>>5186421

Even with training to mimic the calligraphy, it might not work over several generations. Perhaps the ink pen is magical, sentient, and the real James.

I like the immortal human wanderer idea best, though.

Much in common with 'The Travels of Sir John Mandeville.' a book about an immortal Englishman that traveled through Africa and China and even California.

,,, and that, My Liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped."

"I met my second wife at a Second Wife Swapping party, that should teach me about arriving late."

Holy crap, this is still here?

You guys are giving me some great stuff, and I thank you all for it. When I have the spare time, I'll type up some stuff by James specifically to thank you all. I'll need a few days to come up with whatever he's rambling about, then another day or so to actually compose it properly, but still. Hopefully, in the next week or so.

"... and the girl says; Wharf? I thought you said 'Go down on the Dwarf!"

"I've been around for a long time. I've seen nations rise and fall, I've watched the world teeter on the brink of annihilation innumerable times, and as destruction followed creation, I came to understand that the only constant in the universe was sex. Good sex, to be exact. Although after visiting the brothels in the Capitol I'm not even sure of that anymore."

Orcs aren't that bad, if you use lots of ketchup.

I never met a dragon I didn't rape.

I have decided, conclusively, that I will use this character in all my future campaigns. I'm also liking the Fharlanghn theory.

Anyway I'm going to post a few more on the topic of cursed magic items and other subversions of magic to thank you.

"I once traveled with a man who claimed that he was lord over all that was dead. A little stern, lacking in humor, and unpleasant to bed near, but nice enough fellow. Or at least that's what I thought until he was roasted by a fire breathing hydra. Who knew you could hide so many of skeletal ravens in a bag of holding! At least they distracted the hydra."

"A vampire holding a bag of dust is naught but bad news."

"I still remember the day I was tricked into putting on that damned necklace of thought projection. I've never been slapped so many times by so many different people in my life!"

"There is little as humiliating as being beating senseless by a cleaning tool. The only thing worse it for it to happen in front of a crowd."

"Whoever decided this codpiece should talk needs to have his head examined."

"A druid once told me that he could make me, for a very reasonable price, a bag that would produce several animals a week. I paid him thinking to use it if ever I was again starving in a desert. Unfortunately when it was finished I discovered that the badgers and rats it produced didn't stick around to be cooked. In the end I wasn't too upset though. No one expects to have a weasel hurled at their face."

"That bottle of grease proved worth every copper I paid for it. You can never grow tired of watching cultists roll down the fabled pyramid of 10,000 steps."

Now, I want to punctuate a point with two meandering stories. There's more than one lesson in each of these, so pay attention. You never know when one of these might be vitally important.

Now, as you should know by now, I collect kobolds. I've discussed the virtues of sparing their lives and adding them to your cadre enough, so you should know it by heart now. One time, my party and I collected a rather large pack of them -- one mother and all of her children, as well as all the children that had been in those tunnels. They were a motley crew to be sure, but they were quickly shaping up to be invaluable to the party.

But as much fun as it is to sleep under the stars, there's something to be said about a good bed. Or a bad bed. It doesn't tickle your privates as much as tall grass does. Needless to say, after a month of traveling, I was very much ready to not have to worry about sleeping with rocks under me. So when my group came across an inn along the side of the road, they were relieved. I, meanwhile, knew it wasn't going to be a party yet. You get to have a sixth sense about these sorts of things eventually.

I went in first, alone, my heaviest money pouch out in the open. The owner was easy enough to spot; when you see somebody portly drooling over your pouch, their either a thug, a merchant, a prostitute, or an inkeeper. When I told him how many rooms we'd need, his eyes lit up with glee. However, I made sure to loudly tell him that I had inhumans in my party. I let him know that they were well behaved and would not instigate any trouble at all, and made sure that everybody there heard that I personally held all of them under my responsibility.

There were some murmurs from the other patrons, but a few extra gold made sure that the inkeeper was more than happy. I needed it, too. When I lead my pack in, that smile dropped from his face. But he'd already shaken my hand over the deal, so he was stuck with five humans and seventeen kobolds. I had no doubt, though, that we were overcharged for the meals we ordered.

Again, I can't sing the praises of kobolds enough. Once you train them out of some personal habits and treat them with respect and kindess, they'll treat you like their own personal heroic king. Xigpof wiped my seat down with a rag before I sat, as Kadban barked at all the children in common to be on their best behavior as we collected at our tables. The children, of course, were far too excited. This was their first time in human lands, eating food that was (for them) finer than anything in the world.

They didn't like some of the humans, though. This is why I don't mind traveling with kids; if a child used to seeing fighting and death is afraid of somebody, there's usually a good reason for it. Still, it did little to hamper their good spirits.

Have you ever heard a kobold child sing? It's an amazing thing. Melodic barks and yips, even if they're singing in common. Until you get the hang of it, it can almost make you want to rip out your ears. Even Omar, bless his patient soul, was getting used to it. He just smiled at Chalin before going back to teaching the three he'd decided were smart enough to start learning magic.

Anyone else thinking this could be a cool idea for a new class?
A class like, "librarian" where all you powers are based on your books and scripts and quotes that you have, and you roll on a chart to determine which quote/book you use(or you could roll to determine what they do).
just a rough outline of something that could be cool.

Unfortunately, I'd forgotten about that. A big brute of a man apparently couldn't handle a child being just that - a child. He forgot that children just sing when happy for no good reason. Now, if you listen to Kadban tell it, I flew over the table the moment that he hit poor Chalin. I never once corrected her in this matter; if somebody thinks you're superhuman, let them. People will believe what they want, and if you're smart enough, you can always use it to your advantage.

The guy was one of those types that uses a big maul and likes to keep his armor strapped down good and tight. Even had a strap that went over his shoulder to keep his belt up. Before Chalin had hit the ground, I was on the human from behind, wrapping that strap around one of his arms and then around his throat. Cullen was out of his seat already, his hand on his mace, but it wasn't necessary. It only took three barks from me to get the man to apologize to Chalin, and even fewer words for me to convince the guy to come outside to settle his diferences like a man.

I'll spare you the details, but I will say two things on the subject matter. Firstly, never bring a weapon that relies on momentum to a duel unless you're tired of drawing breath. Secondly, so long as you back everything else up with politeness, a display of power can make sure that nobody messes with you at an inn. Even if it makes it next to impossible to get the wench into your bed that night.

I should point out that it wasn't long after this that Chalin started calling me "soft daddy." He continued to travel with me for a great number of years, and became one of the best crossbowmen I've ever had the pleasure of fighting alongside. People may have turned their noses up at the idea of fighting alongside a kobold, but they never turned up their noses when he'd scrounge something up that they didn't realize they needed.

Now, I told you that story so I could tell you this one. I was leading another pack of kobold children to a community of free kobolds I was on good terms with. Good folk, only ate humanoids who attacked them. Unfortunately, the safest way to get there from where we were was to travel through elvish territory. That was fine - two days travel, one of those staying at an inn, and we'd be back in human lands where eyes didn't follow you the entire time.

The inn that we stayed at overnight was your typical elvish inn. Too simple in many ways, too elegant in none of the ways that actually matter. If you spend five years carving a design into a door, you've got too much time on your hands and something missing from your head. Once again, we had to deal with all of the patrons looking down their noses at us, but this time I was able to use that to my advantage.

I sat down and quietly began to tell the kids all about the elves. Of course, the most that I was telling were half-truths, beginning every bit of information with "I've been told" or "I've read that." A monk once told me, "Never tell half truths." That doesn't mean don't lie, it means don't pass off something you've heard second hand as being hard facts. If somebody told you wrong, then eventually somebody else will call you on it, and you're just going to look like a moron. Usually in front of the girl you're trying to impress.

My ploy didn't take long to catch somebody. In just a few minutes, an elf made her way over and started correcting me. By the time I finished my bread, she had all the children sitting around her on the floor, telling them about elvish culture, epic elvish tales, and just keeping the children's rapt attention. It didn't matter that they were kobolds; they were a lower creature in this elf's eyes, and she was enjoying teaching them how superior elvish culture was to their own.

Just something to remember the next time you walk into an inn.

>>5187933
This guy gets my Seal of Approval.

>>5187933
"Never tell false truths." Damn, I suck.

Can has archive?

>>5188018
Did you even read the rest of the thread? About the people bitching about people begging for it to be archived when it ALREADY HAS?!

Somehow, I doubt it.

hey is this archived yet

And yet the obvious troll makes me giggle. Delicious irony, must eat.

>>5187933
Is this the OP?

>>5188196
No. Just thought i;d give it a shot given what was said about the writing. I did more with a left handed compliment style than scathing but still.

A few traveler's koans:

"Never insult the wizard, unless you enjoy tentacles in various orifices."

"Never mock the strength of the cleric, for righteous might leaves right bastards of bruises."

"Never demean the druid, they may be odd animal-lovers, but you'd best learn to love animals when they are set upon your enemies."

"The only weapons I've ever needed were my tongue and my wits: my wits extricated me from fights my tongue could not win."

"When wandering, one tends to get lonely. Do bring something along, whether it be a book, a companion, or a whore. If one is desperate enough, one's hand can fill all of these roles."

"Do not curse the gods, for they are listening and have bad tempers."

"You can tell the personality of a man by the company he keeps. You can learn his thoughts with cheap wine. But to truly know a man, one must watch him die, or watch him fornicate."

"A large lie can save a life, a small one can destroy a nation."

"A young warrior came to me and said 'There is nothing my sword can not cut!' I gave him a riddle he could chop through.

An old dwarf came to me and said 'There is no force that can take me off of my feet!' I told him a joke and he fell to the floor laughing.

A half-elven girl came to me and said, 'There is nothing in this world that lasts forever.' I gave her a night of pleasure she would never forget."

>>5188654
*could not, durr

>>5188654
How do you use your hand as a book? Literary tattoos?

"A wizard did it."

>>5188688
He meant as entertainment.

OP here again.

I've never had a thread last this long. Thanks guys!

"When the lightning bolts start flying, don't be the one standing atop the treasure heap."

"An arrow has two ends. Be on the right one. Better yet, don't be in the area at all."

"Never trust a nigger."

to die for ones country is a great honor but to live for ones country is even greater.

"The best way to survive a knife fight is to not get into one.

The second best way is with a crossbow."

"I've adventured with so many rogues who grew up in a town talking about knives. Always have a knife, places to hide a knife, never get dressed without three knives. Knives, knives, knives. They never shut up.

You know what works better? A bag of copper pieces. You have the option of killing or knocking out, it's more flexible if you have to conceal it, nobody will ask you questions about carrying one and in the finer establishments you can actually spend it."