Is Drew going to be here to pick up some new booty?

Sup yo, where my ladies at? I'll be staying at the Murderous Goat tavern, 3rd floor.

(whispers) I've been a very naughty boy and I need to be punished.

Okay that's it peace out

>Baron Ral Lichraper

Hello.

I would like to take this opportunity to address my drow blackguard brothers out there.

Friends, your commendable racial record of unrelenting spite and evil is being tainted by one 'Drizzt Do'Urden' even as we speak! Why do you suffer this cretin among your ranks, besmirching your very name and racial identity? I would fix this matter myself, but being a gnome I think you should have the opportunity to right your own wrongs.

Thank you for your time.

...
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Almost forgot:

HEIL BANE!

MAKE RAPE NOT WAR

I just want to say that us bigger folk should be recognised as doing more evil than smaller folk, and I don't want to discriminate or anything, but it's a fact that if you're big you do bigger things, and therefore you do bigger evil. Sorry, brothers.

I'd like to warn you all about an all Divine party that's been going around knocking us off lately. Reports indicate that they are all Bahamut adherents, so don't expect much in the way of mercy.

If you see a multi-racial group armed with Holy Avengers, Brilliant Energy Weapons, and several Platinum Scale symbols leave the area immediately. Preferably leaving your lieutenant to die, he's failed you too much already.

>>5186260
About that...my bad. I kind of offed all of their loved ones, which is what started this mess. I hope the bagels make up for any losses any of you might have sustained. I hear that Avenger is pretty nasty.

HEY! CHAOTIC EVIL ROCKING THE HOUSE! LAWFUL EVIL WERE AND ALWAYS IS PUSSIES! TALOS IS THE MAN! WHOOO!!!

Also anyone want some pipeweed you know where to find me.

>>5186278
>>5186260

On a brighter note, Mortimer Skullgrudge of Bavaria told me he's started a betting pool on which one of those pesky adventurers dies first. Come place a bet, you just might come out the winner!

KSSSSSH
(Doom-doom-doom!)
Attention, convention attendees.

Would the owner of a black and red Apparatus of Kwalish please report to the lower stable level, there are goblins prying up the access hatch. Would the owner of a black and red Apparatus of Kwalish please report to the lower stable level, there are goblins prying up the access hatch.

And once again, thank you for your interest in the Annual Blackguard convention, where the elite meet and stab each other in the kidneys.

Ha! Your hall may be protected against scrying but not if we are right here under your noses!

BANKAI!

Hi. Um.

Got all this dwarf blood, and...I...this is EMBARRASSING, oh man, I totally, totally forgot what I was going to do with it, and yeah I know but it's getting, it's really bad, the, whoo!...the smell, man, it's like the abyss threw up in my shed. So bad.

I'll let the lot go for eight thousand gold pieces.

>>5186295
The Avenger ALREADY DIED, man...he just didn't stay dead.

>>5186316
Eight thousand gold for an undisclosed volume of spoiling dwarf blood? Please.
I'll go five bottles of Liquid Agony and three human adult slaves, guaranteed to be in acceptable health and broken to the lash. No higher.

...I think we have the wrong room.

ONE OF YOU BASTARDS PICKPOCKETED MY FLASK OF EVERFLOWING BLOOD JUST NOW, I KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE PRETTY GOOD ROGUES AND ALL BUT IT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO PULL SOMETHING LIKE THIS, IT'S NOT FUNNY AND COMPLETELY IMMATURE.

GIVE IT BACK TO ME DURING THE BUFFET OR I WILL FIND AND REPLACE YOUR LEFT LUNG WITH A PORTAL TO THE ELEMENTAL PLANE OF OOZE.

>>5186325

Yikes! My apologies, then... this temporal charm business is all still new to me.

Oh, heys everybodies. I's just wonderin', where do you keep all o' da goblin servants around here?

>>5186343
No problem. It came out of nowhere, even the best of use couldn't see it coming.

>>5186332

Okay first that's fine for you to say but I just cannot get in the shed right now the wiff is totally so bad and it would be tough to count all the bottles while gagging and stuff.

If you gotta have an estimate I think maaaaaybe about sixty dwarves worth, and some of it is kinda chunky by now.

So yeah, you ain't gonna lowball me on this one, man.

Six bottles!

>>5186339
OH SHIT WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN

Bloodaxe "Bloody Axe" Axeblood checking in.

THE CUTTING EDGE - Presentation by Brig Kineall, "The Paindrinker" (NE)
3PM in meeting room 344B

Why settle for plain daggers and longswords when a world of krissed blades, kukris, estocs, and even serrated edges awaits? Brig Kinneal, the legendary Paindrinker of the Fog Lands, guides you in how to look for weapons that will cause an optimum amount of bleeding, mutilation, and suffering with every cut, thrust, and chop. See weapon demonstrations performed on local riff-raff pulled off the streets. Every attendee leaves with a miniature 2" krissed knife, perfect for hiding in the palm for strikes to the eyes and face. Seats are extremely limited, and the Paindrinker cannot tolerate late seating, so arrive early!

>>5186220
>MAKE RAPE NOT WAR
...What about a Rape war?

>>5186357
Last I heard there's some on the lower stable level. Follow the cries of "Gentlemen, BEHOLD!" and the sound of lightning.

Heeey. Just here to remind my regulars that the mount-swapping sessions is tonight at eleven.

Maximum retinue is two slaves each, we want to keep it...quiet.

I have altered the seating arrangements, pray I do not alter them further!

>>5186378

Sounds very tactical.

>>5186386

Thanks. I'll be headin' over there as soon as I stop by that stabby weapon show to get a few of them knives. You know, for torture of goblins...yes, that sounds believable.

>>5186372

>>5186359
Alright, first off, what in the Hells man, do you even HAVE lieutenants or slaves? That "pure magic research" shit is fine for a while but obviously if you're trying to get some funding underway you're going to need some hired hands.

Second, look. Five bottles, six slaves - and I've got a buxom Southerner I'm willing to include in that group though I'll be grieved to see her go - and I'll throw in an imp's contract so you've finally got someone to do this grunt work. I don't need the guy any more, I'm kind of in a wraith thing right now since that uppity Crusader forced me to relocate to the Ethereal.

I heard the guests from the Necromancers Guild are going to do a puppet show, I cant wait!

>>5186392
This seating arrangement is getting worse all the time!

>>5186375
Brig Kinneal killed my own Father in front of me during the Sorrow of Sabe-Duihan, and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. That man is an artist of taking other lives.

>>5186372

The guys we rent the room from usually hold a Paladin convention a day or two later. They often clean up our mess and pay for anything we stiffed the owners for so it works out great for everyone. It just gets a little awkward when someone gets their dates mixed up. I remember I arrived a few days late for this thing five years ago. Oh boy, was that a horrible experience.

Greetings, honored colleagues. Are you tired of those paladins always having some trick up their sleeve? Every fighter knowing secrets of weapon use and tricks that you haven't gotten around to mastering yet? It is my pleasure to announce that my Magnum Opus, the greatest magical artifact of all time, is finished. I present: The Gift of Ba Gor Ub! Simply touch the outer silver frame of this large device and think of a feat you wish to learn, and the proto-sentient spirit bound to the gem matrix within will siphon of a small portion of your unused life essence (about 1575 XP) and grant you total knowledge of such trick, feat, and ability as you may desire! Truly a marvel of magical craftmanship, this ten foot tall silver cage with soulsteel chain lattice inside will be put on display in the center of the soon-to-be-completed Silversoul Keep. If you miss your chance to use it tonight, please stop by the keep and make free use of it at your leisure. It is open to the public, so mind the crowds.

>>5186423

LAST TIME AT NUMBER 51 CONVENTION DAXDAR SIT ON RESERVED SEAT AND WAS STABBED BY INVISIBLE STALKER.

VERY CHALLENGING BUT THIS CONVENTION WORTH IT.

>>5186430

You think you have it rough, I'm still sealed in this stupid sword.

>>5186430
Getting to know a Paladin or two once in a while isn't a bad thing. Gives you some interesting ideas. One of them told me how his beloved was brutally murdered, ripped into pieces, cooked and forcefully fed to him.

I ought to try that out sometime.

>>5186448
What? I thought you had been given the form of the memories that reside in an armor of an ex-blood knight.

>>5186457
Make sure to cook it just right, bloody but edible. Don't want his worst memory of it to be food poisoning, we have standards to maintain.

>>5186307

*Thunder rumbling*

Excuse me, I'm Grimcloak Bloodfiend, the head security for the evening. The goblins harassing the red and black Apparatus of Kwalish have been apprehended, slaughtered, and fed to the stabled Nightmares. A few made off with some of the plating and a couple of it's legs, but we have Necromancers scrying for them.

Continue with the proceedings.

>>5186457

Really? Did he say who did it?

>>5186448

Speaking of swords, I got a life tip for you guys, it's from a good friend of mine:

Never polymorph your sentient unholy avenger into an elf and have sex with it.

It complicates things.

Things won't be the same. It just won't be the same after that. You think and you think and you wish you never made that stupid decision and you curse the gods, but it has been done and no spell can change that fact.

I...I'm just so sorry.

Have to go now.

>>5186465
Once again, I got stomped. Maybe I should stick to scheming instead of direct menacing.

>>5186448

Wait, I thought you WERE that stupid sword?

Don't change your shape to make yourself appealing to warriors that catch your eye, and then eat their soul and control their body to harvest more souls?

You're basically the bastard lovechild of a Succubus and a Ginza Knife Set.

>>5186476
....You got her pregnant and swords started to shoot out her vagina didn't they.

>>5186486
It's complicated. I'm an evil sword spirit.

I'd LIKE to have a real body, but until somebody picks me up the best I can do is some crumbly ass body--and let me tell you it's not half as good.

>>5186457

Hey! I lost a fucking arm at the 48th Annual Paladin convention! Never ever - and I mean EVER- try to steal candy from a Paladin's two-year old son. Ah well, at least I got to piss in their Punch bowl *cough* which in turn ended up getting my groin hammered into mush when they found out *cough* BUT I REGRET NOTHING! *cough* except for the whole getting my arm cut off thing *cough*

Friends, a thought for you to consider:

Orphanages. Don't kill everyone in them.

WAIT WAIT DON'T, ARRAGH, STOP BOOING YOU BASTARDS, I'M NOT FINISHED YET, YOU CRETINS, ENOUGH OF THAT...WHAT? WHAT?! MY MOTHER WAS A SAINT! OKAY YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME, YOU GNOME BASTARD, YOU ARE GOING TO EAT THAT CLOCKWORK BOOT, I'M GETTING DOWN NOW, YOU ARE GO...HA. Didn't think so.

Okay, settle down. What you want is to ADOPT. Detect alignment first. Observe.

Then kidnap.

Then as a bonding experience, kill everyone else in that orphanage.

I have three kids right now and I've very proud. Two of them, thirteen and eleven years old now, tried to kill me last week.

They grow up so fast.

There is so much wrong with you people I don't even know where to start.

Sad news, my fellows: Gaavahael, Fallen Angel of Pride, has recently been bound to a human soul.

Apparently, he cheated during the bargain and made her into his servant, possibly a familiar.

Let us spend a moment to laugh at the fallen.

>>5186493

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO CONSTANTLY HAVE TO NURSE FIVE SWORDS WITH FRESH BLOOD EVERY NIGHT, IT'S THE CRYING, THEY NEVER STOP, THEY NEVER SEEM TO STOP AND SHE WON'T LET YOU GET RID OF THEM, SHE'LL NEVER TRUST YOU AGAIN IF YOU DID, WORST MISTAKE YOU CAN MAKE AND IT KEEPS GETTING WORSE, CAN'T STOP THEM CRYING HAVE BEEN KILLING FOR MONTHS WITHOUT REST.

Or so my friend says. Ha ha.

>>5186469
Ah, but of course. I've always fancied myself a bit of a gourmet, but I have rarely worked with human flesh in my culinary hobbies. Any tips on spices and such? I'd like it if the victim fully knew he is eating what was once a person he loved, but enjoyed the taste nonetheless.

I just want to say that those lich groupies are the WORST sluts, I don't even know how they do it, it barely deserves civilised consideration, completely unprofessional and a disgrace to our community and I will pay for pictures.

>>5186530

>>5186530
HA HA OH WOW
Let me guess, this kid's Neutral Good right?

>>5186554
Probably. Last I heard he's made her dress up as a maid and then burned old Blackiron's face off with hijacked power.

>>5186530
Bitch had it coming. She just couldn't get over herself and try LYING AND CHEATING once in a while.

Guys?

I just broke up with my sword. We were doing so well!

Hold me...

Excuse me, is the dealer's room still open? I got in a bit late and I've been looking for more forbidden tomes.

>>5186592

GTFO

>This thread

Gentlemen, dwarves, assembled bloodthirsty maniacs and unliving horrors. I'm Navate, representative for the Allied Trades Association at this year's convention, and I'd like to thank you all for continuing to make this convention such a rousing success year after year. Next year, in the ruins of the Grand Cathedral!

(hold for applause/laughter)

Alright, enough grandstanding from me, I'm here to talk business. I remind you that the potion and scroll vendors will be staffed twenty four hours a day - we just ask you not take advantage of the presence of slaves to loot at your leisure. We would, of course, be forced to do things to you that would make our collective gods turn their faces away in horror.

(hold for laughter)

Thank you. Tonight, Razaak the Undying will be hosting a special auction of staves and wands both collected from interlopers and fashioned by his own hands over the centuries - be advised that he rarely leaves his crypt and this auction is a rare opportunity to see some really fantastic wares.

I've been told that at midnight we will be able to offer a rare treat - Malaveldt will be providing private tutoring in several of his unique transmutations for a nominal fee. If you have not seen this drow work before, I promise you his is a rare and cruel genius.

>>5186568

Fucking good aligned Warlocks.

>>5186592

Get a chain, idiot.

>>5186594

Psst, got some really top shelf tomes here on the cheap, getting rid of them for a friend of a friend who knows some really stupid paladins, three for a thou, no guarantees, no refunds, no promises.

>>5186623
I assume these things won't burn my eyes once I start reading them? I remember last time that happened and I was blind for a month.

Totally worth being able to turn into sand at will.

>>5186594

I think so. Watch out, I'm pretty sure there's a copy of the 12th Volume of Revelations of Glaaki knocking about disguised as an issue of Busty Rogues do It from behind Vol 3.

>>5186594
Forbidden tomes? I promise you this is -the- year to have come to the convention for you, sir. The Pathless Vault was located just this spring and the first annotated collection pulled forth and cataloged is with us as I speak. Let me send a Message to the dealer's room and I'll have them hold the tome table open for you, alright?

>>5186542

I find the best spice that goes with human flesh is oregano, especially in a red wine glaze. Works very well if you plan to serve a roasted human rump: revealing that the poor hero has just been eating some poor relative is one thing, revealing that they just eat the poor sap's ass adds another layer of soul destruction!

Oh and any of you planning to dabble in necromancy, make sure you teach your undead slaves a dance number. It seems bizzare, but for some reason paladins can't attack during a dance number, plus the annoying sidekicks they tend to have love joining in for some reason.

>>5186654

Be careful, lad. After 12th level they can auto-save against revulsion and skip straight into Righteous Smite.

ELLO! IZ 'EAD CATERAH COOK TROLL 'ERE!

OO'EVAH IZ JUZ DROWN'D CENTAUR INDA PUNCH, YOOZ BETTA STOPS DAT FUNNY BIZNESS. YOOZ SPOILIN' GOOD TWELVE YERR OL' ELFY GIRL FLAVA.

>>5186654

Warlord here, I intend to become a lich one of these days.

What would work better, skeletons or zombies?

>>5186651
Yeeesh. Intelligent Tomes are the worst. Always yelling, "Read me! Read me!", knocking over your other books, disguising themselves as others. I had one that literally cried when I finished reading it and shelved it...Hey! I hear you crying in there! I just read you an hour ago! Shush!

>>5186652
The Pathless Vault! I thought it was only a legend... *sniff* Today is a good day...Thank you, Miss.

>>5186654
I heard about the undead thing. I've had a song I've been wanting to use with my zombies. Just never figured out how to synchronize them all without parts flying off them.

MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION! IT HAS BEEN MADE CLEAR TO ME THAT WE HAVE ACCIDENTALLY DOUBLEBOOKED THIS ROOM WITH THE FIGHTER'S GUILD, AND THEY DON'T CARE WHAT OUR ALIGNMENT IS. IT IS MY UNDERSTANDING THAT THEY POSSESS WEEABOO FIGHTING MAGIC.

PLEASE PROCEED IN AN ORDERLY, YET EVIL, FASHION TO THE NEAREST EXIT.

Damn kids, in my day evil was a respectable business! But now its all maximum carnage allocation this and long term suffering investment that.

Just lay waste to a bloody kingdom or two already!

>>5186692
Shit! My AC is only 20!! My minions can't afford Raise Dead!! I'm out of here!

>>5186698

What? So our Kingdom can be utterly destroyed by some hobbit and his gay friend?

HAHA don't be so ridiculous old timer.

>>5186692
I ain't going nowhere.

What kind of evil overlord would I be if I'd let some pansy weeaboos push me around?

>>5186719
Hey, there's nothing wrong about gay hobbits!

Only GOOD gay hobbits! They didn't even have any fashion sense! Those outfits of them were SO LAST CENTURY!

>>5186692
Understand that you WILL be hearing from the Association's lawyers.

They're actually perfectly reasonable gentlemen when you work with them for a while.

I'm not sure you'll have the opportunity, though - how long can you survive without internal organs again?

>>5186692
Oh yeah?

Try me, you motherfuckers. I dare ya.

>>5186719
Dont you give me that young ma... gir...young thing! I was expecting an air attack I tell you! The wizard had bloody giant eagles! Why WOULDN'T he use them to get past my troops!?

>>5186698
listen douche bag, back in your day hamburgers where a fucking nickle, believe it or whether your lawful evil or chaotic evil you still have to feed your fucking minions, its not in any way shape or form as easy as it was to maintain armies with your own evil overlord funding with your pitiful amount of citizens to tax. evil overlords who don't want to go bankrupt and get lynched by the assholes they are neglecting neccessities tend to make sure they dont have those problems in the first place, and this requires investment and careful planning, about the only cost effective way of dealing with this problem is undead armies, which is why necromancy has such a bad reputation as it was heavily used by the evil who couldn't afford standing armies and only had the powers of divine or arcane at their disposal. the problem with undead armies is that they suck, and its rather easy to get the opposing side to mass turn your undead and use other tactics that make skeletons a poor choice.

IT'S TIME FOR A SCRAP BOYS!!

LET'S ROLL!!

>>5186681
Skeletons are easy to maintain, but I personally favor flesh golems. A colleague of mine has made it his hobby to create golems out of every human organ. Ended up finding a mass circumcision spell and using it on a small kingdom for the foreskin golem.

Of course, while the poor soldiers were crying over their bleeding dicks, he sent in his army and conquered the place. Two birds with one stone, as it were.

BREAK OUT THE FIGHTAN MAGIC!!

>>5186692
Quick! Somebody stab me into a stone!

>>5186737
Because, it's been proven to be more efficient to use smaller groups to infiltrate other paths while one's main army deals with an equal opposing force.

The eagles would have been too obvious anyway. He probably reasonably expected you to shoot them down on sight.

GO GO GO!

WHERE'S DA FIGHT AT!?

>>5186739
Feeding minions? You dont feed em! You starve em, makes em eat ya enemies quicker! And what the heck is a tax and a citizen when they are in a lair? Is that like slaves and tribute? You kids and your fancy smancy words, next you'll be telling me you form some kind of ruling government hierarchy instead of just shouting real loud from atop a spire of doom!

>>5186743
OBJECTION!

>>5186762

FUCK! I TOOK LEVELS ON FIGHTER! I CAN'T!

>>5186784
>Lawyers
AARGH!....Nurse...Nurse it happened again, fetch some new pants!

>>5186784

OVERRULED!

>>5186773
Burn.

>>5186668

Good point, but with a large enough "dance troupe" you can simply surround them and attack normally if they start smiting.

>>5186684

Skeletons are fairly good if you're just starting: they're less likely to fall apart once they start dancing. As for the actual routine, for some reason every undead I've raised has a natural affinity for the "Thriller" dance. Just don't try the Riverdance or the Can-Can with rotten zombies: limbs start flying EVERYWHERE! Though it is useful against paladins who are immune to revulsion: your dance troupe slowly turns into a storm of flying limbs and bad choreography, and nothing gets rid of a paladin's dignity faster than being KOed by a stray limb.

>>5186781
>>5186773
>>5186759
>>5186743

DON'T BOTHER AIMING, JUST SHOOT!

>>5186806

I SAW THEIR SOULS FIRST! NOBODY MOVE, I'LL WRAP THIS UP BEFORE YOU CAN SAY ELMINISTER'S A WANKER!

>>5186797

You're tiring.

Attack them.

>>5186787
MAN THE HELL UP! What's the worst that can happen? It's not like I'd devour your soul or anything....

>>5186798

SHIELDS!! KEEP CHARGING

>>5186810
SWITCH TO HOLY WEAPONS!

And Lo, so did the accidental battle of Convention hall 139b rage for 40 days and 40 nights. Strong were the fanboys of evil, but equally strong were the jerk- I mean jocks of the Fighters Guild. Novelty plastic bag clashed against signed items, truly this would be a conflict told in the newsletters for months to come.

THIS THREAD IS AWESOME

>>5186739
Against other like minded individuals its even worse, you ever had your whole army turn around and start trying to kill you? Fucking pissed in my cheerios that day. Lord Ulric RendingFist thought he was SOOOOOOO funny <.<

Somebody call for back up?

>>5186810

Who the fuck let Arthas command our armies? I thought we kicked him out after he proved thoroughly incompetant in WotLK.

>>5186832
WHAT? YOU? HERE?

>>5186804
Thriller was exactly what I was thinking of using. Glad to know it works easily.

>>5186810
I think I might be able to stop a good bit of them.
Mass Hold Person!

I just hope they're not all paladins...

>>5186842

I did.

We........Come.......

>>5186844

He's still an icon, unfortunately.

>>5186842
Two can play at that game friend!

>>5186851

Nice try, kid.

>>5186856
>>5186857
>>5186865

LET'S PUT THOSE LEVELS OF FRENZIED BERSERKER TO WORK!

>>5186868
Damn...

...any other mages here? I could use some help...

IT'S DWARF TIME!

I understand there's been some confusion regarding the availability of this convention hall for the near future.

I'm afraid we must insist that the currently operating convention remain in effect.

To that end, make peace with your gods, sword jockeys, for I shall cause the dead to outnumber the living, and to make war upon them.

SALUTATIONS! BELLI MAZE HERE, GNOME WONDER-ALCHEMIST!

TIRED OF PURSUING LICHDOM? WELL PURSUE NO MORE!

MIRACLEMORTALITY LETS YOU LIVE LONGER WITH LESS NEGATIVE ELEMENTAL ENERGY, LESS MESS AND LESS COST IN REAGENTS OR FINICKY RITUALS!

MIRACLEMORTALITY WORKS ON ALL RACES! ELF! DWARF! ORC! WORKS ON PLANAR, ASTRAL, CELESTIAL, FIENDISH OR OUTSIDER! ALL YOU NEED TO BE IMMORTAL WITH MIRACLEMORTALITY IS TO BE MORTAL!

MIRACLEMORTALITY IS EASY TO USE! SIMPLE IMBIBE THE QUICK-OPEN POTION AND SIT IN A SOURCE OF NEGATIVE ENERGY FOR TEN MINUTES! JUST TEN MINUTES AND YOUR LIFE IS PROLONGED BY *TEN YEARS*! EVEN YOUR LOCAL CULT BASEMENT WILL DO, IT'S JUST THAT EFFECTIVE.

BEST OF ALL, MIRACLEMORTALITY HAS NO SIDE EFFECTS. IT HAS BEEN PROVEN TO WORK BY HARBINGER AAAZMORAH, TERRORISER OF THE PURE FOR NINE STRAIGHT CENTURIES! HE STILL HAS BETTER HAIR AND SKIN THAN ANY SUCCUBUS I KNOW!

FOR THE LOW PRICE OF SEVEN THOUSAND GOLD PIECES, I'LL GIVE YOU A CENTURY'S WORTH FOR MIRACLEMORTALITY! THAT'S SEVENTY GOLD PIECES FOR A YEAR! EVEN A KOBOLD COULD EXTORT THAT MUCH IN A WEEK!

BUT WAIT! SIMPLY FOR BEING A MEMBER OF THIS CONVENTION, I'LL GIVE YOU A HUNDRED AND FIFTY YEARS WORTH! THAT'S A HUNDRED AND FIFTY YEARS OF LIFE FOR THE SAME PRICE! YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET THIS DEAL ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE PLANES!

I'M NOT DONE YET! IF YOU ORDER NOW, I'LL GIVE YOU DOUBLE THAT! THREE CENTURIES OF SWEET LIFE ITSELF! IF AT ANY TIME IN THE NEXT TENDAY YOU FEEL YOU REQUIRE A REFUND, I WILL GLADLY RETURN YOUR GOLD, NO QUESTIONS ASKED!
AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS THE BELLI MAZE PROMISE!

IT'S NOT THE SIZE, IT'S HOW YOU USE IT!

>>5186875
Ittttttsssss tiiiiime for bowlllliiing with sssssppheresss of annihilation

>>5186889

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK!

Just so you guys know I'm going to raise these morons and have them work as background fodder in the underdark gladiatorial games.

>>5186894
If I could have your attention, convention attendees? This individual is NOT associated with the Allied Trades Association and his products are NOT endorsed by our Yugoloth backers. However, ours is not an exclusive license to trade here, so other than that warning I will not prevent you from purchasing his wares. However, caveat emptor.

And caveat vendor, Mr. Maze.

SCRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP

YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH SPELLS PER YEAR TO HANDLE THIS SHIT!

All this conflict seem so unnecessary. Especially when there's probably good loot in the other convention halls.

KEKEKEKEKEKE!

Multiclass support up in this bitch!

>>5186933
SECURITY!

COUNTER OFFENSSSSIIIVE YOU PESSSSTULLLANT MAN FIIIILTH

>>5186936

Oh god! She's got a banjo! RUN!!

>>5186933

I LIKE THESE GUYS! THEY'VE GOT SPUNK!

>>5186937

ASIDE.

FALL BEFORE BE YOU COIN GRUBBIN DOGS!

A great turn out this year!

General question for everyone, does your Imp give you lip all the time? Mine is always running his mouth off, and killing him would hurt me as well. Does anyone else have this problem with their familiar?

I used to have a kickass raven, but after swearing myself to the forces of darkness this little shit shows up and ate him, beak and all.

I fucking hate em.

Sorry I'm late, my train was delayed.

>>5186952
Why not just...remove his lips?

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY

>>5186952

whoops forgot my picture

Ever year, 27 years in a row....I REMEMBER WHEN THIS WAS ALLLLLL CORN FIELDS AS FAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE!

Two words:

Level.

Adjustment.

And once again the realms will be able to verify that fighters are fuckheads whose idea of a convention is to crash other conventions.

>>5186933

For too long, my goblin brothers, we have been forced into slavery, working for brutish overlords who amuse themselves with our deaths! Forever we were forced to fight for them, gaining them riches at the cost of many a noble goblin's life! BUT NO MORE! TODAY, THE GOBLINS WILL RISE AGAIN!

LEGENDARY CON IS LEGENDARY

>>5186952
Imp obedience aids? I can help you out, sir. Head into the dealer's room and turn left, keep going until you reach a troll shaman selling shrunken head fetishes. Next to him is a bald gentlemen with tattoos selling potions. You tell him I sent you to him about an Imp, and he's got some old slavemaster's spells that will make it wish it were back in the Hells being tortured by its inventive masters without any permanent physical damage. He might even still have a wand that will serve you until you've got it mastered yourself.

I'm indifferent to all this conflict. Whatever side wins, I win.

Unless any of you can make it worthwhile for my sword to interfere, of course.

SLASH SLASH SLASH!!

>>5186964

CORNFIELDS WITH FLOWERS.

DAXDAR SO SICKENED HE HAD TO DEPOSE A BENEVOLENT MONARCHY TO GET TASTE OUT OF BRAIN.

BLOOD! FLEEEEEAAASSSHHH! SSSOOOOUUULLLLSS!

*knock knock*
HELLO?! AM I LATE?
*Knock shake*
Dammit, I can't get this door open! did someone lock this?
*BAM BAM*
SOMEONE OPEN THIS THING! I swear to god its like these doors only open when the planets align.

Oh, come on guys, it's not fair to wreck their party--even if they are evil.

Wouldn't you rather come play some ball with me?

>>5186991

Oh goddammit it says pull to open right there next to the handles, are you some kind of far realm deity or something that you cannot read common

>>5186993
You make a good case.

TO THE SOCCER FIELD!

>>5186988
Back off man, I saw them first!

>>5186991
IGOR WILL GET THE DOOR

>>5186654
Cumin. It brings out the flavor of almost any meat. Add just a dash of Tarragon and Cheyenne pepper if you're roasting over an open flame.

Attention fighters!! I'd like to point out that I have an entire undead leagion of exactly six hundred zombies waiting in the parking lot. If you'd like to see some exceptional carnage, please report there immediately! Mind you, these zombies are my primary power base and the reason I earned the moniker: The Commander of Frostdeath. Who's up to the challenge? Can any of you defeat my six legions?

>>5187016

Heh.

Need a hand?

HEYO! TZEENTCH TOLD ME TO STEP INTO A PORTAL AND HERE I AM!

YOU GUYS NEED ANY POINTERS ON THE EVIL THING? I GOT SOME TIME BEFORE THE NEXT CRUSADE! YOU KNOW, 'ABADDON'S BEST CRUSADE EVER' CRUSADE?

>>5187027
IGOR GOT PLENTY

>>5187028

Hey! Detect Alignment says this joker's Chaotic Neutral!

FUCK YOU POSEUR!

BOO! BOO THIS MAN!

>>5187028
Who invited the scrub?

HEY, HEY FUCKERS! YOUR ALL FAGGOTS, ALL OF YOU. WHAT IS THIS SHIT? HALF OF YOU HAVE MIDNIGHT BLADES, HAVE YOU EVEN BEEN PROPERLY FEEDING THEM? AN YOUR GOBLIN LACKEYS ARE SO SHABBY THEY ARE NOW CONSIDERING OPEN REVOLT....WHAT DID YOU FUCKING TUCK THEM IN AT NIGHT? GET THE FUCK IN THERE AN SHOW SOME GOD DAMN INITIATIVE. I DON'T WANNA SEE THIS OVER UNTIL LARGE FORMATIONS OF CROWS ARE FORMING CLOUDS THAT ARE MAKING THESE GUILD SONS OF BITCHES WEEP ACID FROM THEIR EYEBALLS. DO YOU ALL FUCKING GET ME? DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY FUCKING QUESTIONS? *Hack* *Slash* NOW GET TO WORK!

>>5187002

Guys... I kinda wanna play ball with the fighters and the paladins. I mean, talking about torture and slaughter is fun and all, but nothing quite beats a good ball game.

>>5187025
I'm sorry, but we had to smite them. You left your Zombies in a No-Minion Zone, and we had to do our public duty.

>>5187028

You are not the real Abaddon. The real Abaddon doesn't have arms.

>>5187052

And so, for one day, everybody put aside their differences and played a rousing game of football (or soccer if you're an ignorant American or Jap)

I have high quality miniature portrait sets of brother Taffo, who as you may well remember, gave his unlife streaking the halls of the paladin convention last year.

While screaming 'Don't smite me bro'.

He also may or may not have really soiled himself during the process.

You'll never know unless you see these pictures. 300 gold a set. I only got a hundred done so far and if you're late you're on the reserve list.

This thread fails.

>>5187028
Whats with the overtly phallic neon-rainbow sword?

I'M GONNA GO PLAY BALL BEFORE THEY RUN OUT OF SPOTS! I'VE GOT THESE NEW RUNNING SHOES...THEY WERE LIKE 90 BUCKS AND I GENERALLY DON'T SPEND THAT MUCH ON RUNNING SHOES, BUT THEY HAVE THESE GEL INSERTS IN THEM, AND THIS OH SO TRENDY APRICOT COLOR SCHEME AND WELL....YOU KNOW HONEY, MOMENT OF WEAKNESS.

>>5187076
>>5187052

I think Igor should be our goalie.

Damn it, one of these years this convention is going to last long enough for me to get laid.

>>5187056
FUCKING A, MAYBE YOU SHOULD PUT UP A DAMN SIGN, I MEAN FUCK.

LITTLE BLUE SIDEWALK EDGES ARE VERY HARD TO SEE WITH THIS HOOD ON

ITT /tg/ kicks summer's ass.

>>5187081

sure is chickenshit paladin in here

>>5187085
You are now hearing dr.girlfriends voice.

>>5187085

Evil spaniard here.

You're so going to be a center midfielder.

THE IMPORTANCE OF SPEED READING - Presentation by Professor Doktor Hermann von Visselbacher
2 PM in meeting room 681C

Now you too can learn the techniques that allowed Prof. Dr. Visselbacher to learn twice as much dark knowledge as his contemporaries. Come see the author of "That Which Man Was Not Meant To Know, But Always Wanted To Find Out" as he explains his many forbidden speed-reading techniques, including "third-eye summoning," "thought-drinking," and many more!

And now some fanservice. Because Bahamut commands it.

>>5187028
Nice sword, faggot.

>>5187056
Really? I find that hard to believe, as you're still alive. My zombies tend to negative-energy explode when destroyed. If you can even hit them. Wait, was this the groups of zombie humanoids on the sidewalk? those weren't mine. Mine are hidden in the bushes. Go out and try again.


Waits till the meatheads rush outside again......

Don't worry guys. The zombies they're looking for are zombie fleas I've crafted to deal cold damage with every attack and explode when killed. Every blade of grass out there hides a dozen unliving insect bombs. They'll never see them coming and six hundred cold/negative hand grenades later, there'll be plenty of meat for tomorrow's feast.

And they said a level ten wizard can't make a good necromancer. Pfft.

>>5187093
>ITT /tg/ kicks summer's ass.

Nicely played /tg/, I wish I could say the same for OTHER boards. You know who I'm talking about.

>>5187186

I'm sorry, sir, but I was indeed referring to your Zombies.

That....I CANNOT STAND FOR! KAMIKAZE! KAMIKAZE! KAMIKAZE!

>>5187203
That's just a handful of asspained spammers.

So why hasn't this thread been archived yet?

>>5187221

Oh no you fucking don't! I just got into my football kit and you aren't going to start shit over a few zombies until we at least finish our game. Seriously, if I get one blood stain on this when it belongs on my armour, I'm going to be fucking pissed.

>>5187204
**Listens intently... then hears a loud series of staccato POPS from outside. He smiles and snaps his fingers as a fresh batch of frostbitten zombies stumble through the doors, each dressed as a formerly living paladin.

"Don't mind them, folks. Just need to march them into my bag of holding so I can redeploy them in my plantation fields back home. Maybe some honest work tilling the fields will straighten out their bound souls, until they can admit their guilt, repent, and I can send their souls to the hells where they belong.".

"Oh, before I forget, Johnny Coinage, the legendary bard, will be singing his new hit single "the black in man" in hall C in about 15 minutes! Don't miss it!"

>>5187301

I regret to inform you that Turn Undead is, and was, the easy solution to your zombie flea bomb idea.

>>5187301
>>5187186

Actually, guy, I don't think that idea works due to things like magical blasts taking out huge swaths, and Paladins being generally really tough.

>>5187301

Turn undead, man, have you heard of it? Also cheese idea is cheese. Why would a flea do any damage at all?

>>5187301
>>5187376

You two continue to disrupt our football game with your petty squabbles?

>>5187407

I'll take you both on!

>>5187407

Don't let me keep you. Bahamut demands that I just be a cheerleader anyway.

>>5187424

>>5187301

That's it, Mary Sue, you're out of the group.

>>5187407
>>5187429
>>5187424

BUT YOU DIDN'T EVEN HEADBUTT THEM!

>>5187376
less than 1 HP a piece, turning auto-kills them, which sets off their explosions. Sneaky things, fleas. All over you and you don't notice them. 600d6 negative energy bursts can do a heck of a number on just about anything, in addition to the 1d6 cold damage per flea bit of any that get through before you turn.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to slip on down to the stables and replenish my flea supply.

>>5187415
can't man, sorry. bad knee.

>>5187430
sorry, junior, but there's no such thing as 'mary sue' in here. Go back to your anime fanfics.

>>5187546

Of course, putting that much necromantic energy in something that small would likely blow up in your face...which is why tiny insects come in swarms, not individuals.

Oh man, guys guys I just snuck into the buffet pit and OH. MY. GOD.

Gold dragon meat. Falling off. The bone.

So good. Mnnnnf. Mnnnf. NNGAAAANNGH!

Scuse me. So happy right now.

>>5187765

Alright, I'm back. BTW, I managed to score a bonus from a rather shady character down in the stables. I have, within these wooden spheres, the trapped souls of some chumps who thought they could steal the collected horses of the guests here tonight! Who's up for billiards with their souls? I assure you, they'll feel every blow. Who's in?

oop, I've just been informed that Johnny Coinage has decided to extend his performance to include his entire score from the collection 'Cross the Line' at no additional charge!

>>5187546

Fleas have no mechanical representation on their own, thus you can't enchant a single flea to explode.

Your idea is mechanically, and conceptually, bullshit.

>>5187546
>less than 1 HP a piece

This is your problem.
Individual Fleas do not have stats, and thus are not subject for spells such as animate dead.

You'd have to raise a swarm as a single, much less deadly, creature.

And yes you are a Mary Sue.

>>5187546
Insect swarms count as a single creature.

lrn2 D&D

>>5187546
>>5187301
>>5187186

>HURRR I'M GOING TO RUIN EVERYBODY'S FUN BY USING AN ERRONEOUS BUILD THAT DOESN'T ACTUALLY WORK BY THE RULES.

Not a swarm, chief. Ask your DM for specific stats on single fleas. Raise them as individuals, not swarms or hiveminds. Lrn2rule0, kiddo. There all no set rules. Not in DnD, not in life. Everything is negotiable.

Also, would the owner of a purple and red carriage with the plate "Mster of Harlts' please report to the stables? You left your soul-torches on.

Can we take this moment to all agree on the cooler pronunciation. We're "blaggards," because we aren't guarding jack shit, and I'm certainly not black.

>>5188131
Please refer to >>5187972

>>5188205
agreed. Blaggard sounds much better rolling off the tongue than 'blackguard'

>>5188205
I thought it was because you blagged a lot.

You KNOW what I mean.

Attention Everyone!
Ungrash The Devourer will be holding his seminar on the effectiveness of Lances on unsuspecting peasants in 15 minutes!

Excuse me, but i cannot avoid to notice that there is only male blackguards in the hall? Any plans on having the warlocks around do some summoning rituals for...uh... planar allies of the sexy subtype? Are the Sisters of Torment coming again this year? Man, those wenches sure know a thing or two about pain and pleasure!

DRUNK AS FUCK AND I LOVE THIS THREAD /tg/.

YOU DO INDEED GET SHIT DONE.

THIS IS wHY I LOVE YOU.

>>5188716
He best get someone to either clean or raise this pile of dead fighters if he expects anyone to make it on time for his shit.

I'd like to ask whoever stole my sack of regeants to return them, please - I've got to march on Thay at the end of this convention, and I need those to do it. Thank you.

>>5188991
I'd also like to point out that if you don't return them by the end of today, my Planar Ally here will find them, and his one and only method of attack is rape. Thank you.

>>5188131
>Rule0

Fuck you. You can't do this by the rules. The best you would get would be a Swarm BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU FUCKING HAVE!

Any DM that lets you get away with something so obnoxious is a failure.

>>5188131
Can we all, as complex and methodical villains, set aside our differences to axe this sniveling, whiney little mother fucker?

>>5188998
I'M WILLING TO DEAL WITH THAT. I HOPE HE ISN'T TERRIBLE DISAPPOINTED WHEN HE GETS NO RESULTS, HOWEVER,

>>5188991
Oh, I just found these. Sorry about that.

>>5188998
Uh...yeah. Glad I didn't decide to keep them.

>>5188998
It is not rape if i don't say "no", dear evil fellow.

>>5189276
Excellent. I've my regeants, so you can borrow him.

In addition, tomorrow at 9am, I'll be holding a class on how to turn a gaggle of ten slaves into a choir of screams that will both titillate and terrify those around you, and further, how to chain them to your armour so you can carry that chorus everywhere you go. At the end, I'll even sell scrolls to raise them as revenants.

ALLZ I'Z SEYIN' IS DAT DERE AIN'T ENUFF FOIGHTAN AN' WINNAN', WE'Z NEEDAN SUMFINK RIGHT CLEVA'.

>>5189329
What if we use these as Familiars? A united network of evil, all communciating through Cathulu's?

Why does the catering always suck so bad at these things?

>>5189366
A SQUIG WIFF DAT FURRY TENTACLY FING?

>>5189399
Well, yes. If we can't trust things from the Outer Dark, what CAN we trust?

Hello?
Uh, hi... I guess.
I'm Darkwind, the local Beastlord around here, just thought I'd drop by.

Uh, I've been causing destruction and mayhem since I could walk. Enough people have died to me and my warriors that now I have an army chasing me.

And while I'm not a Blackguard, or a Blaggard, or whatever in Khorne's name you people are, I just want to give you all a piece of advice:
Remember when your about to butcher the town? Leave one person alive, or even a couple of survivors. That way, they can spread terror because they tell the story about how you just murdered everybody in the village.

Just, uh, wanted to say that. I'll be over by the buffet table now.

>>5191385
Not in class, but I think your actions make you an Honorary Blackguard. I'm sure someone around here could help you become a real Blackguard

>>5191588
Allow me to assist. Now, you might feel a slight burning sensation, followed by pain as this strips the flesh from your bones and I loot your things..