I like you

So after we meet up with the Halfling, we hear some bullshit RP story, and then we make our way away from the Mountain because of the Orcs are going to be after us.

We get a good distance until fucking Wolves start to ambush us, and eventually after a few turns in the encounter, most of us say "fuck this", and we make checks to hop in the trees nearby where the wolves can't get us. 5 Trees for all of us. Of course the DM has to play favorites AGAIN and help Chris into the tree because he had terrible skills.

But no, now we've screwed his plan up. So now the goblins catch up, and we taunt them for a bit until finally they decide to burn down the trees we're in.

Which brings on a heap of bullshit.

>Dwarfs
>Annoying Halfling
Seems like you have two options (three if you count confronting the player or the DM) either kill the halfling and make his hide into a high quality floodgate or something OR DEADLY DRINKING GAEMS.

The Hobbit.

But it's well done, carry on please.

But i thought Bruernor loved that sneaky son of a bitch?

>>5540344

Oh wow
You got me up untill burning down the trees
Very well done, though.

>Annoying Halfling
bullshit, you guys love his ass so much you make him a honorary dwarf

>>5540326
So every so often the DM does some shit to try and fix our "fuckups" and rail road us back on track. One time we were starving, and so we tried to get the Halfling to sneak over to a fire and steal some food.

Which ends with him failing his skill checks, and us stuffed in sacks. We all fail our checks to get out of the bags, and so eventually the DM gets so pissed off he makes his DMPC wizard appear out of Nowhere (he had left us behind for a while), and turns night into daylight or some shit, and frees us and kills the monsters.

Inside of course is a fuckton of equipment, weapons, and gold.

So now, we're perched on a couple of burning trees. Things don't look good. But then out of fucking Nowhere, a bunch of Giant Birds or some shwoop by and carry us off.

Turns out, They're "Friends" of the DMPC because of some shit that he did long ago..... More like he didn't want the campaign to end.

We set out further on the map, and eventually meet this bad ass Shifter who gives us help getting to this Forest, and the DMPC leaves us again.

Wait, this reminds me of the Hobbit.

I approve. Please continue.

>>5540443

No really, I didn't notice.

>>5540418
Right, so we're all ready to enter the Forest, and we're thinking about stealing some ponies so we can take more stuff with us, when the Halfling and DM-Mouthpiece PC voice in "Oh no, don't take this stuff, the Shifter will throw a shit fit."

So finally after arguing for 10 min we say fine, and we trek off into the woods. For the most part it's an uneventful misery of walking, skill checks to make sure we don't eat poisonous shit, or otherwise kill ourselves. All the while Chris keeps trying to pathetically role play his character. He's always complaining about bacon, or roast beef or some shit.

Anyway eventually we get to this giant magic river, and Chris just has to remind EVERYONE that the river is probably the one the DM, the Shifter, and the DMPC all warned us about 10 fucking times. YES. THANK YOU. SHUT UP.

So first the guys roll perception, and we see a boat on the far side of the river, and the guys with the highest DEX rolls throw some rope across to a knot sticking up and make a ferry. Then it's the usual puzzle of how to get across.

On the final part though, because my character is a fatass, I have to go all by myself. Then I "Failed my roll" to get across, and fall into the river. Bullshit. The DM tells me that I'm unconscious and can't be woken up.

"God damn it", I'm thinking. So of course fast foreward through the next parts about making the Halfling climb up to the top of the forest so we can get a fix on our location, since the DM is actually making us slowly starve to death. Eventually I wake up, and We see some Elves prancing about in the woods with food and shit.

I figure "Hey guys, they've got food, and they're fucking Elves. Let's go get that shit." BUT NO. The DM tells us how every time we get close the Elves fucking vanish, and we keep on starving.

BRACE FOR BULLSHIT.

i feel your pain OP

>>5540516
Finally he's had enough much with our shit of trying to steal food that everyone get's lost from the path, and we spend the rest of the night making passive checks to make sure something doesn't try to eat our faces while we sleep.

WHICH IS WHEN HE ONCE AGAIN PULLS BULLSHIT ALL OVER US.

We've got guys making awesome perception rolls and passive perception checks despite the smothering Darkness giving us -2 to perception rolls.

So then out of nowhere as we rest, we enter an encounter. That's right. Encounter. "Turns out", a bunch of Giant Spiders "snuck up on us" (yeah right!), and webbed us all up to be eaten at their nest.

All of us... except for CHRIS AND THE FUCKING HALFLING. He "Wakes up with a start to a horrid sight", and then proceeds to use some kind of fucking shit to dodge ALL of the Spider's attacks, and then kill it with some insanely powerful attacks no one knew he had.

So he eventually shows up, and starts making hell on the Spiders. He's making skill checks left and right, and to his credit, he's actually making a good show of it. Sometimes he succeeds, and a horde of minions go running off one direction...and then other times he fails and nearly gets eaten. He's making a big show of it, despite the fact we can't "see" shit because of the spider-webs.

But eventually he gets to us, and frees us from the Spiders. We're all taking -2 to various stats, and we have almost no equipment left save for some knives and armor. Then that's when the next bullshit bomb hits us. We're all kind of wondering how we're supposed to get out of this insane situation, and then Chris looks at us and says "Don't worry, I got this", and uses a "magic ring" that none of us knew about until this moment, and then goes and turns INVISIBLE right in front of us.

This is suspiciously much like The Hobbit, hurr.

>>5540592
Fucking hell. He gets one of the only magical artifacts in the entire campaign? "Cause he's the the rogue" the DM says. Bad enough only the party leader got a magic sword, when we find out the Halfling gets one too.

ANYWAY so we escape from the Spiders.... and get captured by Elves. Wow. Great job DM. Way to give us some freedom to get out of the forest on our own.

The Elf King start some RP stuff, and the usual "Why are you here?" but we're Dwarves, and thus tell him to grow a beard. No way we're getting Elves involved. This pisses the DM off I guess since it seems like he was ready to guide us out of the Forest if we were nice about it all.

Anyway we're tossed in jail, and Chris spends the next session making skill checks to sneak around and find a way to pull a jailbreak with his inviso-shit. It's really all pretty boring.

Eventually we figure out how to escape through a river by hiding in some barrels, and we make our way out of the forest to the human town on the map. It's pretty much on the Doorstep of the Dragon's Lair and our gold hoarde, and we're all ready for this shit.

The humans live on a giant floating raft city, which was pretty cool I guess. Talked to some big menacing guard, but other than that it was pretty bland.

We Roleplay some big "The DWARVES have returned for their treasure" business, so all the NPC's practically jump to help us thinking they'll get some gold. Pfft.

Anway we set out for the mountain.

From there we set out for the Mountain.

>>5540650
So after all of this, we've snuck up to the Mountain, and we're bouncing around this riddle and magic key we got, trying to find a way to sneak into the fort. I mean obvious the front door would be suicide.

So we solve the riddle with our checks, and bam there's a secret door. By now all of us have had it with that Halfling Mary-Sue, so we all get together and make him go into the place and steal some treasure. Mostly for the lulz.

So he goes on in after giving us a big "Moral-fag speech" about being treated like shit, and goes off into the dragon's nest. Then 30 minutes later He comes out holding a golden cup.

So we send him in a SECOND time, and this time he engages in some skill check challenges against the dragon. Riddles mostly. Of course he freaking fails the most important one, and the Dragon then thinks that we're a bunch of Humans or something. So the Halfling comes sprinting out of the tunnel smoldering, and we're freaking out because we have no clue what the DM's going to do now.

Dude it was funny at first, but get to the point. Quit embellishing.

>>5540740
We sneak into the Dragon's lair after the DM got sick of us hanging outside the secret entrance and blew it up behind us right. But the Dragon's gone. So we quickly loot some epic treasure thinking we'll find something here to kill the Dragon with. Dwarf Might makes Dwarves Right.

So we're getting ready for this big confrontation with the Dragon, and trying to figure out how we can kill this thing, when suddenly after hiding for two days, we find out "Oh, the Dragon's already dead. The humans killed him."

What? We spend the entire game gearing up for a dragon battle and it's "The Dragon is dead at the hands of Man!"

Fuck this. Then the Elves and Humans show up to steal our treasure horde. Like hell they will.

But we're settling into a siege and waiting for Dwarfy reinforcements, when they send some messengers, The badass who killed the Dragon, and some cripple in robes, and they start trying to bargain with us again. We're about to say Fuck off again, when out of no where they pull out this giant diamond that was an artifact of the fort. The one we set out to claim at the start of the game.

Guess how they got that Diamond despite a dragon guarding it? OH THE FUCKING HALFLING GAVE IT TO THEM BECAUSE WE WERE BEING "DICKS" TO THE HUMANS WHO SAVED US.

NO DUH. WE'RE DWARVES.

We were going to kill him, but then the DMPC shows up AGAIN and is all "Don't go killin mah Halfling pal."

So finally we kicked him out of the Fort, and we're digging in for a war.

>>5540809
Gotta admit, that halfling is a fucking dick.
Those Elf and Human faggots shouldn't be messing with Dwarves, it's their fucking hold and their fucking diamond. And Tolkein was a shitty author/DM

Having not read the Hobbit in many years makes the thread even more enjoyable because I can't remember it well enough to predict what each post will be like before he makes it, but I *do* remember it well enough to get the humor.

>>5540856
do you ever wear a shirt?

>>5540856
You have a nice smile.

>>5540265
Tried Wikipedia?
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www.AnønTälk.com - Discuss anything anonymously!
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>>5540867

Shirt? Why would I wear a shirt?

>>5540879

I have to say, sometimes the spambot makes me laugh.

>>5540881
Because your manliness threatens my masculinity.

..Ya'll gonna get run over by Orcs.

CHOO CHOO HERE COMES THE PLOT TRAIN

Tolkien would have been a massive railroader if he DMed.

>>5540876

Thanks Sly! I wish it was a tad whiter though. Oh well, slightly yellowed teeth only add to my dorfy image I suppose.

http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?cat=14

RELATED

>>5540925
Do you have chainmail/axe?
You could totally Dorf.

Bamp?
Better finish this

>>5541013

Sadly no.

Though, when my childhood friends and I went through the "let's make weapons out of closed cell foam and PVC pipe!" phase, I did make a five foot warhammer out of a couch.

Sadly, it smashed its last face last year, the head too cracked to be properly salvageable.

>>5541125
Make a new head out of CATS
Or, ermm, new foam.

BRAID BEARD

A helm is required.

>>5541140

Whenever I have sufficient quantities of:

1. Boredom
2. Disposable Income
3. Disposable Couch

...I plan on doing precisely that!

BEARD JEWELLERY
BIG CLUNKY BRASS THINGS
SPIKES
ALL KIND OF CRAZY SHIT
MEDALLIONS
ALSO CATS

>>5541179 disposable couch

and a new market was born

Not that I don't enjoy talking about dorfiness, but... where is OP? We need closure!

So in the end, the Players would be ready to engage in some giant battle, when SURPRISE everyone has to work together to fight off the Goblins.

Meanwhile while several players are killed in the battle, the Halfling and DMPC survie the whole ordeal.

Great.

>>5541219
I think it's over, bro.

>>5541219
>>5540809
Right, so we're besieged and ready for anything, pumped up and wearing the Finest Crafted Dwarf Armor anyone has seen for Hundreds of years.

And then the Dwarf Army Shows up in the valley below. We're watching the whole thing play out, but just as the Armies are about to fight, the DMPC once again shows up, and surprise surprise it's another jump on the DM Rail Road.

Turns out those Orcs we pissed off back at the mountain were still looking for us, and when they found out the Dragon was dead, got all their friends, and the Wolves together, and formed an army to come take our treasure.


So the Mighty Dwarves have to "Team up" with the lesser races. I break character and ask the DM why the hell we can't just hole up inside the Fortress with the Dwarves, and we get a giant answer of "Lol, You'd all starve to death".

As anyone familiar with a Dwarf Fortress, I can assure there are many things that go missing when a Fortress is abandonded, but one of them is not food.

So instead of following the DM's exact path once the battle starts, we break down the giant fortress wall be had erected over the gate, and use it to create a giant rockslide that kills a bunch of Orcs. Then we go at it like a Dwarf Commando Strike team. The DM delivers a shitton of minion hordes, and every once and a while a tough NPC to trounce on, but eventually we can't beat the head Orc's body guards and we start to get bloodied.

But every micro-encounter we win, things just keep looking bad. But then lo and behold, the Shifter arrives as a giant bear, and the Giant Birds show up and begin to tear the Orcs a new one, and "the day is saved".

Which is great comfort to the three players who died by the end of the mega-encounter. Especially when the Halfling and the DMPC both survived.

>>5541345

But he got through most of the book... should have only taken like 1-2 more posts to finish it.

>>5541377

Ah, much better!

It starts out amusing enough, so I'm going to save the first post just because it's such good troll/ comedy material.

Brilliant.

Am I the only person who thought of the Hobbit on the very first sentence?

>>5541702

>Alright /tg/, let me tell you about some bullshit that's been going on recently in our campaign.

I think you mean the fourth sentence.

>>5541836
No, I'm just that awesome.

>>5542063
I knew you would say that.

My god everyone in this thread is an idiot. I got it the minute he said dragon and people are still oblivious 3/4 through the story. Ye gods.

>>5540516
Of course Bombur is a fa/tg/uy. It all makes sense now.

>>5540265
Tried Wikipedia?
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>>5542569
I, for one, haven't read the book in question.