-CONTINUED-
Great adventure ensues, between fobbing off the Mechanicus with false leads/planting false leads and doing the best the party can to track this guy down without inquisitional power/authority/resources. Now, we're all having fun and great fun at that. The Arbitrator kicks a few doors down and has a hilarious way of pressing people for information, such as "Listen here patsy, any more gab-gaw out of you and I'm inclined to have an accident involving your face and my chastisement baton." or once they begin kicking around some intellectual bastards at a 'theosophist's den' (Bullshit philosopher noble gathering involving obscura and quasi heretical stuffs) "Probable cause? Pal, This Service pistol will most assuredly probably cause a big mess if I shoot it into your face". Sister Mariney pants gave lit someone on fire for questioning where she got her authority( Answer: Fire) and lit a cigar on the ashes, Dorf guardsman drank ale and used his mining pick to break into a mansion by tunneling, all the while cursing 'shoddy craftsmanship' of the noble architects. Tau wanking emo kid plays his female scum with purple hair and dual 'thin monoblades with a slight curve to them', squaring off against a mechanicus secutor in order to try to intimidate him. Secutors in my mind do not understand intimidation, but they do understand a threat. Or, making a statement via liberal application of violence. I asked him if he really wanted to do it and he described this scene from a movie where you hold the katan. . I mean thin monoblades with a slight curve to them in such a way as to demonstrate your proficiency and cow your enemies.

The secutor responded by shooting a lumien blast his way, and then punching his breaching arm through his chest and drilling him through the wall.

>>6899045
For this reason, I love Dark Heresy.

We had a player in 3.5 that loved to play rangers, and nothing else. He based every ranger off of Aragorn, and nothing else. We got pretty tired of his panther friends and tracking skills and edgy characters that were cookie-cutter carbon copies of every other character he made. So, one night we decide to tie him up in his sleeping roll and throw him on the fire. Strangely he survived that one but then began the adventures of 'burnt face aragorn', the DM allowing him to survive but imparting a -5 to charisma due to his ghoulish appearance.

>>6899036
stealing arbitrator idea b4 'cant copy best character evar' warning. Also, good DM choice. If only I had a drill arm and was capable of fisting away weeaboos.

>>6899253
FISTING, you say?

>>6899045
>Sister Mariney pants gave lit someone on fire for questioning where she got her authority( Answer: Fire) and lit a cigar on the ashes

Stealing for my next DH character.

in an old forgottenn realms game we had a halfling rogue/theif who stole anything the party couldn't get to first, or if they did he stole from them in their sleep. The DM got pretty peeved at him stealing everything from everyone and getting away with it so he decided to put a challenge before the halfling. There were rumors of treasure spread throughout this oasis town in the desert and the halfling told everyone it probably wasn't worth it, and he waited until the party was asleep before sneaking off to go find it himself. He followed what the stories told him was the path, and found what he assumed was the entrance to the tomb. The tomb had two doors, a large metal door barred from the inside and a smaller door that opened into pure blackness. He walked into the pure blackness behind the smaller door and discovered it to be a sphere of annihilation. The party wakes up to find the halfling gone, and all of their stuff untouched. They continue the main quest.

my friend plays a rouge that has kleptomania, he just randomly rolls to see what he gets, it's actually entertaining and he plays it in such a way that it's not annoying. he's even got like three rings of wish out of it.

in our rogue trader game the explorator had a baleful eye. For those that do not know, in the DH/Rogue trader system a baleful eye is a one shot hellpistol with a 10m range. Our archmilitant was getting pretty dickish due to his high strength allowing him to pretty much intimidate everyone. He challenged the explorator to an unarmed bout of fisticuffs for some bullshit artifact. This guy was basically a duellist the rogue trader had hired but was no more than a big muscle holding a power sword. The explorator tired of his antics and agreed. He set out rules that were plain, no hand held weapons of any sort.

Round 1 of the duel: Arch militant does an ultimate warrior and gives the most inane speech of YOUR DOOM IS IMPENDING I have ever heard. He then offers to give the 'first shot' to the explorator.

Round 2: Explorator blows his head off with eye lazor.

Everyone then gets a bit angry that we dont have a musclebound idiot for ground operations, Arch militant d00d is upset as well. The Explorator offers to solve the crew's problem and returns two weeks later with is solution: Arch Militant servitor with sword arms.

>>6899555
Question: Are they arms with swords on the end of them like in that crap soul drinker book? Or are they more swords literally the whole arms that just kinda windmill grevious style ? The second sort seems more likely

>>6899220
>implying Cha = appearance

>>6899555

Oh god I laughed.

>>6899555
WTF does that say? Any krauts about?

Also, epic dark heresy session we had recently is worthy of retelling. For six sessions the DM's favorite girl, who was in no way attracted to him yet he was infatuated with to the point of allowing her anything so long as she played in his games, had played a sororitas. She killed every party member who 'disagreed with her' as that was heresy. Every time we tried to appeal to the GM he said "heresy means a division from your accepted thought so shes technically correct" followed by her beaming for being better than the rest of us. We decided we didnt want her around anymore, so we elected to play a 3 man tallarn desert raiders squad. The GM was intrigued by our imperial sand monkeys and allowed us some odd requests to make them more authentic. We all suggested explosive laden web gear so we could jihad the enemies of the imperium, he agreed.

First session goes like this:
She: "We should go find the governor and make him answer for his crimes, his attempt at killing us is heresy." -DUH-
US: We should infiltrate his mansion, and take him down when he least expects it.
She: I want to do a frontal assault.
US: That wont succeed.
She: Thats heresy! -cocks bolter-
US: DOUBLE HERESY! JIHAD!!!one11!
We dogpiled and blew her up. DM made us leave his game.

My party kept complaining that every dungeon I used was 'the same thing'. The reason for this is that I am kinda lazy and take my dungeons straight from the book, changing only the story and relevant plot elements. They say I'm not being hard enough on them, and that their 'other' DM made them fight a beholder.

I resist the urge to make them wake up and find a Terrasque in their camp, and instead made the most epic and ruined dungeon I could without ripping off the tomb of horrors outright. Their torches set off a pocket of gas, so they felt their way along a wall and to a long tunnel. Once they got to this tunnel they went down stairs until they saw in the distant lantern light what appeared to be a long, flat, black floor. They set off a trap that caused the door behind them to slam and the walls start to close in slowly so they ran, right into the big pool of tar that was the entire floor. Drown/crush was fun. One player they had abandoned earlier due to excessive wounds (the result of the gas pocket explosion) blindly felt his way through various traps until he found the final reward of the dungeon: A sandwich.

He asked me "A sandwich, is it epic . . magical perhaps?"

I said "It has turkey on it, but its not great, perhaps a previous adventurer left it here"

I will sing you a song of Timmy Bighands, victim of truly most awful and undeserved DM pwning. See, our first warning sign was that our usual DM left to go join the military and gave us over to his much more experienced nearly-professional DM brother. Those were his words. His DM brother was a part time cook at Mcdonalds after getting kicked out of the Navy for being a substantial basket case. He got something like 60% disability for having stubbed his toe against drywall or a case of BAWWWWWWWW or somesuch and now sat around all day working on his craptastic fantasy setting and DMing games in that setting. Our faithful DM told us that his brother had whipped up something special just for us and decided to let us be the lucky first players in his new realm, a steampunk setting.
Steampunk, we said, what a wonderful setting to play with D20. This is where we got our second warning, for our new DM said his world was heavily inspired by the game fable 2. We are not really a big vidja game group, playing the classics more than the cutting edge stuff and the best computer amongst us has only a gig of ram. So we ask about fable 2. He explains the 'impressive story'. We cringe. We decide though that we owe it to our original DM to play through the world until he gets back from basic and AIT *many months*. Hell ensues.

Continued:
We roll up characters and he tells us to be as unique and vibrant as the setting itself is. So, the trio of remainder party friends make a Rogue-inspired-but-not-rogue-class-because-this-setting-is-different human who was once a street urchin. This pleased the new DM, because he said it was 'soooooo close to the inspirational fable 2'. The second member made a human noble down on his luck, last scion of a dying house, which the DM was indifferent to. The final of us, myself, played Timmy Bighands, an ogre raised by humans who was REALLY really trying to be nice. The DM fell in love with timmy at first because he said his world was all about forgiveness and true love and understanding and being good. We begin to feel apprehensive about our situation.
So, we begin our story. We all meet up with each other and find a jewel that takes us to a guild that declares us adventurers as the jewel saught us out because it was a hero-seeking jewel of some sort and only we could see it. So, our first quest was to stop a band of highwaymen, which Timmy bighands ran off by picking up their wagon and beating them to death with it. The DM began to turn against us, saying that our solution wasn't 'suited to the world'.

We then were set to go fight an evil mage who had raised a graveyard of undead and set them on a convent of light worshipping good people. Timmy grabbed the mage by the face and crushed him dead. The DM said we didn't find the magical runes lining the graveyard and activate them in proper order to channel power to control the dead to sic on the mage. He began to set us against all sorts of things like Belverines or something that were kinda werewolves but not. We smashed those too. Timmy made a hat out of one.
Anyways, end game: We are given a chance of pulling a lever to re-set the world which has apparently been re-set several times. Timmy was given the chance as the DM said "The simplest of creatures will decide the fate of all" and Timmy couldn't decide. So, he pulled the lever out of the ground and put it into his pocket so we could decide later. The DM killed him.

>>6899661
It's the World's Deadliest Joke from the Monty Python sketch of the same name. It's prettymuch complete gibberish.

>>6899861
>I resist the urge to make them wake up and find a Terrasque in their camp
That's good because there's no such thing as a Terrasque.

I once made a rogue in 3.0 that was basically a charlatan. I took points in alchemy and make speak good and sold snake oil and other such crap to villages in our path. I had a camel and a cart full of stuff to sell. I based him off of Billy Mays and sold a variety of chalky things that could get blood out of adventurer's cloaks. The DM killed him suddenly one night in his sleep. I got pissed until the DM said "Its a realistic enough end for him" and I had to agree.

>>6900322
So... He was obsesses with "the good" of a game that is basically created for the player's oppurtunity to be either good or evil without being punished for it SETTING-WISE?

>>6900322
>So, he pulled the lever out of the ground and put it into his pocket so we could decide later.

I shat brix. Well done!

Our DM smote us. He smote all of us. Dark Heresy, we're in the depths of the Hive after ten sessions of tracking down a temple tendency operation to destroy the hive in order to replace every single person of leadership or importance with their seconds, who were temple supporters. We've apparently been listed as dead by the inquisition and someone has been remotely saving our bacon or doing us favors, all the while leaivng us a trail to the temple's operations. We are a six-strong force of former arbites hot on the heels of some heresy and level five to boot. We have all opted for power mauls, shields, bigass shotguns with exterminator (flame projecting single shot) modules mounted. Out from the darkness steps a furry. He is described by the DM as being regal looking and like a dog but a man yet, and muscular, and wearing a bodyglove, and armed with two wicked looking weapons. He explains in a voice that is described as 'noble, strong-hearted but weary' that he is the person behind us being saved, placed as MIA, as well as the string of clues. He explains he has been hunting the temple tendency and hates the cult for what they did to his race eons ago. He explains he is the last of his race, and that he is slowly dying. Chief arbite says "Correction, DEAD" and we all open up. We murder him with fire. The DM ragequits.

The next week we find out the DM was a closet furry and this was his way of coming out to us, and that DMPC was his avatar. I guess we should have realized it was important when he described every detail of his musclebound dog man for about 5 minutes. Oh well. Suffer not the mutant. . .

>>6900689
Well done, would've just ignored the furriness if it was just a regular NPC, if I were in your place.

>>6900689
It's Dark Heresy, what the hell did he expect?

>>6900689
Oh wow

I figured the dog-man who had saved you was either the BBEG, or an agent of the BBEG, and preserving you from harm was his way of making sure he got to eat your hearts.

Seriously, if you put furries in your games, they should be appropriately beastly.

>>6900689
>Oh well. Suffer not the mutant. . .
If I knew you I'd buy your alcoholic beverage of choice for that huge amount of awesome.

>>6900689
Hahahahahahaha, glorious.

>>6901284
I drink expensive scotch.

>>6899220
What's funny is that sounds like a far better character than his previous ones.

>>6901387
If you don't mind single malt I have a couple bottles in my liquor cabinet one of which is 10 years old.

>>6901544
Single malt is the only scotch, sir.

>>6900689
GM should have brushed up on his lore.

>>6900338
What the hell do you mean?

>>6899036
Marine chick with a sexy rack and pyromaniac tendencies? I hope you don't mean the bitch I think you mean... where do you live?

>>6901956
why, whats your lady all about?

>>6900689
I am fairly certain that this is the best post in the entire history of the internet.

>>6900689
find out WHO this is and buy them scotch, fuck, put them in charge of all DMs or at least /tg/

>>6901804
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM

How do you not know Monty Python...

>>6902320
I would if the bastard would give any contact info. Perhaps he is permanoob (no offense) and is afraid of giving said up on /tg/

>>6902356
people like the guy in question are not real people, they are myths. They are the Stig of tabletop, it is best if you do not know who they are and simply take solace in the fact they exist

>>6900689
Poster of this, I am he. Another story should you be interested.

DM of the above who ragequit kinda got upset for a while but eventually found 'his people' and by his people I mean the store's contingent of faux tailed wearing fat people. I have nothing against fat people, but I do have something against people who claim to be 'fursecuted' for their lifestyle choice when their lifestyle choice involves being a gigantic douche to anyone who doesn't share their love of really weird shit. Anyhow, he manages to dry his eyes and decides to start all over with a 'more professionally minded and more serious inquisitorial party'. And here I thought I was doing my job, right? I have a gun, a gun that shoots fire, there are things I dont like, I shoot them with gun. Problem solved. His new game that is 'super serious' is closed to people who are not 'serious role-players' which means people who are furries are welcome whereas the rest of us must enjoy being normal people who enjoy goofing off.

>>6902728
Just when you thought all dorks were united, right? So he says we can join his game if we make serious characters. His party is full of furries playing furries. He explains this as they are from an ancient alien race (NOT KAYOSS) that once helped humans but humans turned on them, blah-de-blah-de-blah. They have an ancient, secret agreement with the inqusition per their super secret squirrel arrangement with the Emperor at the start of the Imperium. I realized this could not stand. No furries in my 40k. Chaos abominations are fine, sure, they're okay. They exist to be burned. Furry race of furries that retcon the whole setting? Not a fucking chance. Not from this guy. When I wore a badge and a gun I had a copy of the Uplifting primer in the glovebox of my cruiser, and damnit all nobody is going to ruin my 40k. Begin operation: Ruin dark heresy for furfags at local gamestore and also pick up nachos (We are bad at naming things).

>>6902736
We infiltrate the game in pieces, each member playing something the party doesn't have (Normal humans played be non brain damaged members of society that actually have jobs and don't live off mommy and daddy as they go to art school which they then use as an excuse to draw as much furry porn as possible/end mini rant). We rolled up 'open minded' mechanicus monkeys, explaining to the DM that we would honor any ancient treaty no matter what so long as we got first crack at archeotech and shiny bits. He allows us to join. First gaming session is on a table with two of those long bench seats, I'm sure your game store has those. On one side is the 'coalition of the willing' made up of the trio of tech priests, all level 5. On the other side is a bunch of smelly people with fake fur trappings. Their broken characters rolled up and ready (by the by, each stat of theirs due to racial bonuses is made up of the following formula: 30+3d12) and include special classes such as 'Dark Reaver' and 'harvester of sorrow' and other crap that is epic level equipment, best quality that destroys all armor and has impossible ranges. For example, there's a sword that he invented that is only usable by their race due to their close relationship with nature. This nature alignment allowed them to wield a sword made of what appears to be black, ever-shifting tar that when it strikes you, you take 1d10 damage with no armor or toughness save, per turn, until one of their kind heal you. Its called the sword of forgiveness or some other weeaboo shit as they have to forgive you for you to not die.

>>6902740
Thanksgiving-dinner-poop-sword nonwithstanding, we are ready. Our once awesome now failtastic DM tells the party that we were responsible for the destruction of his last game. They stare at us. One growls. One of them actually fucking growled and took his fake tail in his fat sausage fingers and waved it. If people did shit like this a hundred years ago they would be in a place called wellsville and they would be exploring a land of electro-shock-therapy, salt baths and colonic irrigation with yogurt. The DM says we will begin our story and that he introduces a rule for everyone at the table. He says "Anyone who dies in this session is dead for the remainder of the game, no new characters, you just have to watch, all agreed?" The furries nod, this fat chick with a kinda furry mask thing's chin moves like a sack of cream gravy. It's obvious he told them seperately that if they wanted to try to kill us with the uncontrollable tar like stool wand we would stay dead and they could get broken xp. Not so fast, furfags.

>>6902744
I looked at the DM and realized my once friend was now just a freaking nutcase, and it was up to me to bring him back to normalcy. Or just break his game like a little kid and be a jackass. We are level 5, he has allowed us to take one piece of equipment from the book and 3 reloads. Any piece of equipment, as standard quality, and 3 reloads. What about cyber implants or anything else? No, its broken, we have to earn it he says. Yet furries have an armor, I shit you not, that is '16 armor on all locations' and is made of a silk like substance that changes color based on mood. Yiffweave coat, eh? We all chose multi-meltas. I'm sure you know where this is going. Ten minutes into our first adventure, on their spaceship that is waaaaay better than any imperial spaceship and is also made out of organic space-plants, ten minutes into inane roleplaying about how beautiful and unique all of their characters are, ten minutes into cursing humans and wondering why they have to work with us mechanical men, we decide to gather them all into a room.

>>6902755
>>6902755
They gather into this room , a room with a huge armor plated piece of 'crystal-glass', and they offer to tell us the history of their people. The DM beams. He hands a sheaf of papers to the speaker. The speaker of truth apparently, an honored position amongst her 'clan', tells us of this bizarro 40k history where they are behind everything from the rise of the Emperor, the dark age of technology, giving the adeptus mechanicus their tech and keeping all of this a big huge secret. Then they were betrayed! We listen. This goes on for 30 minutes. It is painful. But the moment of glory is at hand. I make the sign of the cog and offer to tell them a history. They call us liars, but we try to tell the real history of 40k as far as human reckoning is. They interrupt us a dozen times over with chants of 'lies, lies' and howling. Yes, they howled. At the very end I say "There is one part to your history you forgot, humanimaleritics' and they seem puzzled. The DM seems puzzled. We say "The part where you die".
We opened up with multi-meltas, all 3 of us, overlapping our fields of fire at point blank range. The DM starts screaming at us immediately. The store owner tries to calm him down but he keeps screaming, he turns red, his hands shake. He is furious. We work out damage to the max, as we cannot miss at this range.

>>6902779
DM returns 10 minutes later, swearing at us and saying "You're all fucking dead, you die, get out of my game, you are fucking vermin"so on and soforth. But as we leave he explains that we cant kill them due to the special abilities they all have from their belts that allows them to soak the first 50 points of damage, something they created to prevent backstabs from imperial assassins sent to cull the last of their numbers. We left and had beer. The end.

Epilogue: We started going to the other game store in town, we hear they have their own Dark Heresy setting called 'revenge of the scattered' which the game store owner called 'revenge of the scat-herd', all based on the above fluff.

>>6902785
/begin slow-clap

Archive that story, now. Someone 1d4chan it. This is what /tg/ is all about.

>>6902740
>>6902755
>>6902779
>>6902785
>Or just break his game like a little kid and be a jackass.
Well, at least you noticed.
Congratulations on taking the internet and your plastic soldiers super fucking serial.

>>6902839
>This is what /tg/ is all about.
No, that's what /b/ is all about.

techpriests burning furries, I approve.

>>6902785

I think I love you.

>>6902850
do your part enlist in operation ruin tings for furfaggs and bye nachos

>>6902924
enlist in operation spell check

>>6902924
>Defend the honor of your plastic army mans!
No, thank you, I have long since graduated from middle school when this kind of shit mattered.

To return this thread to its original subject matter I will tell your the story of Joan. Joan was a 42 year old accountant that desided one day to root through her sons old wod books and find out why he didnt read them any more. joan then applied this knowledge and went to our game store and wanted to be a storyteller. first time dms are commonplace at our store so everyone tries to chip in and help her have a good time for her first game. a few of us younger dudes deside to join the vtm game she runs and it starts good enough rite until she mixxes up a few rules. one of our guys tries to contradict her and she goes ape and kills him outritght by pentech sniper. it was random but pretty funny

>>6902924

You wouldn't have batted an eye if they were playing a White Wolf game with the same annoying over-description and thrope-love.

But congrats on repeating things you heard funnier people say on the internet.

>>6902924
>>6903139
OP, win.
Copycat, fag.

>>6903199

/tg/ only the laziest trolls allowed

Most epic beatdown I've ever seen was when a friend of mine was DMing.

Custom fantasy setting, just assume Generic/Forgotten Realms unless noted otherwise.

Game starts out in a smallish town with us being called in to help settle bandit problem. Fair enough. Now everyone here but me is good/neutral aligned, I'm LE but don't dick around with the party and respect them.

Why? Because I recognize the importance of powerful friends.

Now party was Me (LE Human sorcerer) Dave (CG Half-Elf Bard) Jon (LN Dwarf fighter) Mitch (NG Elf Cleric) and Jesse (CG Elf Druid, started with ten ranks Flaw notoriety, but that's another story)

>>6902785
Good story, I had something similar happen. It was a homebrew 3.0 where this DM had approximately 50 million furry races with insane racial abilities. He at least did the rest of us the favor of making them have +5 level modifiers.

>>6903226
We go in, fuck up some bandits, loot the place and find a prisoner, a on hard luck conman/adventurer named Lemmy. We bust Lemmy out, brofist and bounce.

Lemmy asks if he can have his stuff back, out of the shit the bandits stole, we say sure and give him the things he said were his.

Lemmy becomes one of several DMPC's wandering the land

Before you rage, our DM's chars were adventures off on their own adventures, we met them on occasion traded stories and went our separate ways. At most they were wandering pothooks/occasional team-ups for some quests.

Lemmy was different.

>>6902779
bad story, you didnt rape them first. Show them your hate for chrissakes, granting them release from the mortal coil is doing them a favor.

>>6903267
You see Lemmy... was a dick.

His requests had little (if any) mutual gain, he constantly borrowed money for some insane sceme and cryed into his ale to us when it didn't plan out.


Finally he came around looking for hand-outs and I told him to fuck off. Everyone was all 'WHAT.' And I said 'guys, every time we invest in his plans, we get screwed one way or the other. I know he's saved our asses more than once, but most of that was shit he got us into in the first place.

Lemmy acted all sad and walked off. Due to a failed perception check I didn't know he stole my wallet until that night.

Needless to say, I WAS PISSED.

>>6903324
The dwarf was easily talked around and we hunted him down.

We found him in an old tower in the woods overlooking a graveyard. We kicked in his door only to learn that 'Lemmy' was a warlock/necromancer who was using our funds to fund his own efforts.

He wins initiative, and uses his turn to turn into an avatar of a Arch Devil.

at this point, I'm lv 16, Jon was 15.

Luckily, Jon's axe was enchanted to kill demons.

I drop as many Buffs as I can on him, and he hits the demon. With a triple confirmed crit, but due to some weird bullshit, Lemar'icalt (that's how it was pronounced) Was bonded to ALL the arch devils, not just one.

>>6903401
No jon, you are the demons. Er, Devils. . .

Please continue.

>>6903401
So he comes back next round.

Dwarf gets to go again since one shotting him basically stunned him for one round.

Drops another triple crit.

Everyone's all HOLY SHIT.

DM insists that Jon change dice, so he does, Demon comes back, triple crited him through a wall.

At this point the devil comes back and smacks the dwarf and says that he has no time for this shit and trys to leave. I say fuck that, pick up the dwarf's axe and chuck it at him, cutting off a wing and his left arm, but not killing him.

At this point the DM looks me in the eye and asks me to please let the big bad talk so he could make a deal or something.

At this point the DM

TWO TRIPLE CRITS. BULLSHIT.

>>At this point the DM
AT THIS POINT THE DM

Looks like the DM got him guys, story's over.

>>6903478
I lol'd

>>6903456
Why did it repeat that last bit? oh well.

DM says I'm LE, Devil's LE let's cut a deal.

His mistake? I'm known for De-railing campaigns (both on accident and on purpose) and my char's Backstory said that his father was FUCKED because a Demon twisted a contract around and raped him.

So I float on down (Featherfall) pull out a contraption when I was about ten feet above him (he was still laying on the ground) looked him in the eye and said 'When you get to hell, inform the other bastards that if they ever try to fuck with me again, I'm going to on a jaunt through the lower plains, to kill them all'

I then pulled out my meteor swarm shotgun (Five meteor swarm wands wrapped around a rod of wonder) and blew the fuck out of him.

At this point our DM said 'Would it kill you to try and follow the plot, even a little?'

And I told him 'Maybe if the tracks had better scenery I'd be more inclined to ride the railroad.

Now, whenever we think he's trying to railroad us in someway we all go choo-choo! and he face-palms.

>>6903547

>>6903547
>Five meteor swarm wands wrapped around a rod of wonder

Jesus fucking Christ

Choo choo choo choo

>>6903547

If I was DM'ing your game, you would be deader than dead for giving me shit.

You: "HAHA! DM can't do shit about that can you?"

Me: "Suddenly your character has massive heart attack and dies."

Other guy: "My cleric tries to heal him."

Me: "You God says, 'no, he was an ass.' and instead turns his body into a million dicks."

>>6903585
yeah, I think minimum damage on that was in the 80-something range.

Maxdamage on a crit? I broke 4 digits.

>>6903634

And that's why you're not DMing, cockbag.

>>6903634
You are a bad DM. The worst.

>>6903646
What... what effect did you get on the Rod of Wonder?

>>6903647
>>6903648

Don't fuck with God.

>>6903657
I can't even remember, It's been like two years.

I want to say it was something that either made the spell bigger or gave it more damage.

I do hoever remember I could, due to a couple of feats, shoot that thing like six times a round if i did nothing else.

I only ever got to do that once though.

>>6903697
I was hoping for butterflies.

>>6903730
that would have been bad, ever time he shot it it would have killed a shitload of butterflys

This thread gave me a great idea, make the threat "I'm going to rip your head off and shit down your neck," a plausible, horrifying, and completely vile threat.

>>6903547
>Featherfall
>Five meteor swarm wands
>rod of wonder

Nanoha?

>>6903745
wait, Isn't op evil?

Wouldn't that be good thing, relatively speaking?

>>6903730

Me too.

>>6903756
Needs more Divine Buster.

ITT: All the things I fantasize about doing to characters made by people taking touhoufag's advice

>>6903756
nah, much less Weaboo.

Though the magic looking rings and runes was how his casting looked fluff wise.

is this tread archived?

>>6903830
Replace his hot-blooded speech about killing his enemies with a hot-blooded speech about friendship and you're pretty much nanoha (ignoring the fact you probably weren't playing as an elementary school girl)

>>6899386

I did something similar to weed out THAT GUY from a game. I set a black sphere in a wall, sticking out of some kind of sculpture's mouth. A few feet in diameter, I don't remember. I think there were even some scrawled warnings around it.

The players mostly puzzled over it, throwing a few things in and not hearing them fall, etc. Someone got wise and threw a rope and the part of the rope that didn't enter the sphere was severed. That killed most of the party's curiosity. THAT GUY was convinced it was a portal and pissed that I wasn't giving him clues.

Me: Done messing around? So...what are you guys doing?
THAT GUY: I go back 50 feet, run full speed, and dive into the portal.
Me: wat
Two other players: We follow him!
(which took me by surprise)
Me: Anyone else?

The rest of the party looked at each other and chuckled, and continued into the dungeon.
After a while, THAT GUY insisted that I go back to the scenario with him and the two other players.

Me: Ok, fine. That was a sphere of annihilation, your characters are scattered atoms.

Blank, hateful stare from TG while the other two just looked confused. The rest of the party had a nice long laugh at their expense.

>>6904106
HAHAHA oh wow.

This reminds me of when my DM decided to godmode Tomb of Horrors 3.5

Think classic tomb, filled with tucker kobolds.

There was one guy, a weaboo monk twink who wouldn't die.

most of the party had seen the tomb before, and knew most of the traps, but the monk... I don't think he every took damage.

Even better when you consider that it was his stupid ass that made the DM shove us into the meat-grinder.

>>6904106
>I did something similar to weed out THAT GUY from a game. I set a black sphere in a wall, sticking out of some kind of sculpture's mouth. A few feet in diameter, I don't remember. I think there were even some scrawled warnings around it.
Gygax is dead, but that doesn't mean you can steal credit for his ideas, chucklefuck.

>>6904210

Shit, really? That was like 16 years ago. I thought I was original all this time.

>>6904233
I don't see how. You literally described the first trap in Tomb of Horrors.

>>6904258

Who knows, maybe I did lift it subconsciously. Never played modules though, only did my own dungeons.

BUMP

>>6904195
I read that as trucker kobolds.

bump

>>6902785
Paladin of /tg/

>>6902785
cleric of tg, tg bein ga god that is chaotic netrual and loves random 'pwning'

>>6906681
IF /tg/ were a god he'd enjoy chaotic things, such as your spelling.

It is the responsibility of the DM to ensure that all players are having a good time.

When this does not come to pass, the DM is no longer fit for duty.

This is the rule, and all DMs and Players know it. Above all else, it should be followed.

That girl is a snappy dresser.

>>6906813
Indeed quite. The picture doesnt cover the part where she gets curbstomped, robbed and surprise sexxed all in the toys department. Orcs are everywhere man, unchecked, unchallenged.

>>6903139
Yeah, goes to show that you should stick with the sytem and setting more appropriate to the game you want to run.
You play a game were the core tenants involve exterminus of heretics, xenos, and mutants.. don't expect a heretical muntant xenos to recieve a warm welcome.
Unless by 'warm' you mean 'on fire'.

>>6907051
you said it best

>>6906787
It is the DM's role to ensure all players are having good time in a manner without infringing on other players' fun or good time.

>>6907091
It is the King's duty to protect his citizenry, the president's duty to do the will of the people, the cop's duty to protect and serve. Yet there are obvious corruptions, and as such it comes down to vigilantes to stop these people.

Or break their stuff

>>6907124
Under ideal circumstances these vigilantes become heroes. More than likely they instead become martyrs.

My own DM SMASH! story comes from star wars tabletop where our DM had this need to protect his DMPC which was also the BBEG and sith and win incarnate. He would just appear, show off his power, and we would jump on him. He would manage to knock us all out or stun us and say "Not this time" or "soooon" and then leave. We wake up, limp to medical attention, he gets away.

We finally decided to ask him to see the character sheet for the BBEG, which he said he had 'forgotten at home', which was understandable. Next session he brought it though and we beheld the broken bad guy. We knew his hit points however, and at the next battle royale we all jumped on him. We killed him Fairly and told the DM that his BBEG was out of HP by our count.

The otherwise stable DM, nice kid really, breaks down into a screaming fit about how he's in control and we are rats in his maze and how he breathes life into the world. He then says we are all force choked and we poop our pants. He mentions that part again and again. Needless to say we don't play with him anymore and we remember only his franting yelling. Any time, any one of us chokes we ask "Did you poop your pants?"

>>6907124
I only exist to further the amusement of people who aren't complete dumbshits or complete faggots, thanks.

>>6902876
Someone should Drawfag this.

>>6907234
Then don't play with complete dumbshits or complete faggots. It's that simple.

>>6907249

You know what... I was thinking of doing that...

>>6904210

>Gygax is dead [...]

THEN WHO WAS POST

>>6907850
drawfag the roast

Makin' a little speedy sketch at least.

>>6903547
Hahah, you are such a lying sack of shit.

>>6907229
>asked to see NPC character sheet
Ha ha, oh wow. I don't even have the words.

>asked to see NPC character sheet
>Ha ha, oh wow. I don't even have the words.
It's not surprising considering there is a difference between DMPC & NPC. You see son that's why they use different words with different meanings.

A rough sketch, now I must run... I got booze to drink and a party to crash!

>>6908111
This, I love

>>6899661

I can't stop laughing.

>>6902785
Serious brofist time

>>6903547
>>6903456
>>6903401
>>6903324
>>6903267
>>6903226
Thanks to you, I just snorted coffee.

>>6908111
>>6902779
>We opened up with multi-meltas, all 3 of us, overlapping our fields of fire at point blank range. The DM starts screaming at us immediately. The store owner tries to calm him down but he keeps screaming, he turns red, his hands shake. He is furious. We work out damage to the max, as we cannot miss at this range.

>>6902785
Hahahaha christ I don't know what to say to this.

>>6908384

CROSS THE STREAMS!

One butthurt faggot getting butthurt about some other butthurt faggots ruining his game? Why is that epic exactly?

>>6908420
someone needs to do that for /tg/, tech priest ghost-busters style that hop out of a rhino that says 'furbusters' on the side of it. Streams are crossed, little traps are thrown down that are just melta-bombs.

My own story is one of awesome DM smiting. THIS girl over here on the left joins our D&D game set in a very angry totalitarian unfriendly to outsiders country. This girl wants to play a princess, and my friend the DM says sure, why not, there are royal families everywhere shitting out useless noble children. So, she shows up at our game store and decides shes an Empiress of a land where people are beautiful and everyone is wealthy and there is no poison, etc. She tells us every five minutes about how wealthy and happy her subjects are and how she plans to bring enlightenment to the land.

The DM asks her, "Do you say these things in front of the city guard?" she says yes, as in duh-why not? Needless to say, Treason is not appreciated in this land. She then says she calls her army of ninjas to save her. The DM says that level one characters do not have armies of ninjas. She says she is the Empress, the DM says she is likely to face execution.

Thank you /tg/ uve made my night :)

>>6908514
her face is hueg.

>>6908514
I thought all monsters had to have googly eyes on tg?

>>6908514
Melta-bombs? Nah, jellied promethium is the stuff. Napalm sticks to children, jellied promethium sticks to beastmen... let 'em burn.

It would require some kind of crafting, if promethium-based incendiary land mines don't already exist in-game.

>>6902839
http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Fur_heresy

>>6908591
Custom Equipment is needed, wheres a mekboy when you need one?

>>6908620
Multi meltas, heavy flamers with exterminators mounted on them as theres never enough fire. Also, some sort of webbing gun that pins people down

>>6908604
should put in that drawfag pic up too

>>6908620
It's lame, but my solution would be to figure out how much it would cost your average techpriest to buy the materials (some springy bits, a small compressed prom tank, etc.), add a ten percent markup, and include it in the game as equipment that can be ordered from any arms merchant or craftsman.

>>6908744
writefag, make above story more epic.

Also, maybe start calling on Drawfags for the 1d4chan entry?

>>6908111
This is a good start.