Like?

>>6922487

Cont'd

>DM: Ok Kirk, you've taken 150 damage. What does that leave you at?

Kirk: Oh, I'm fine. I still have 50 hit points left.

DM: Kirk, what the fuck are you trying to pull? That's impossible.

Kirk: Well, I -am- 143rd level.

DM: Kirk, I told you you had to level down to 10 before you could play. Lemme see your character sheet.

*looks at sheet*

Kirk, you're at -79 hitpoints. The called shots alone would have severed your head. You're dead.

Kirk: No. I've got an adamantite spinal cord given to me by Lilith, goddess of the Drow!

DM: No you don't. That never happened!

Kirk: Well, I've got this ring that heals me to full hit points whenever I reach 0 hitpoints.

DM: Kirk, I told you to remove that!

Kirk: *gets all misty-eyed* Well, I've got a ioun stone that teleports me to safety whenever I fall unconsious.

DM: Kirk, Fabian is dead.

Party: Let's loot his corpse! Dibs on that ioun stone! I want his healing ring!

Kirk: *tears streaming down his face* THAT'S NOT FAIR! THEY CHEATED!

Party: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! GTFO Kirk!

Kirk left crying. A grown man reduced to tears over a piece of paper. I almost felt bad for him. But Kirk was the cancer that was killing D&D.

>>6922520

That's really sad, and I don't mean that guy crying, the whole thing is just sad.

But yeah, the fighters did the right thing.

>>6922487
>>6922520

Holy shit. That's just tragic.

The whole party is so retarded that I'm afraid I just developed brain cancer.

While 95% of the blame lies with Kirk for being a petulant man-child, the DM should not have let things get to the way they were.

Also, that ioun sounds like the biggest game-breaking piece of shit ever.

It was vampire game...dark gothic horror. I was storytelling the game and I was also playing a side charecter named Chance Ace. Yes cheesy name I know but that was the point. There was one charecter named Flynn. Flynn loved to use dominate that was his most powerful stat.

He'd dominate the female charecters to suck his..well you know. This wouldn't be very funny except the Female charecter were being played by guys. HAHA so the guys tell me that this is redicious and wrong and just demeaning and this sort of playing should be stopped.

Needless to say I didn't stop it because its a Dark Gothic setting and bad stuff happens. I told them to try to "recall" the events via some fancy combinations of stats. Unfortunently They were power gamers. All the stats they had were for combat...they didn't have "real" mental stat over two. SO they failed there rolls.

They used a WILLPOWER point and I allowed them to recall some...hazy memories. But when they confronted Flynn he only Dominated them again and Commanded them not to remember.

The gamers needless to say didn't play female charecters again with this particular player.

it was hilarious...

>>6922520
...but in order to loot the items from his corpse, he'd have to have those items and they'd have to work, which means they couldn't kill him.
Silly fighters.

>>6922568
like prepared action spells that do the same thing?

>>6922575
this is hilarious

Next story!

>This is a story about my worst player. Granted, this was one of my first attempts at running a vampire game, so I did some things that I wouldn’t do now (such as show mercy), but this fucker totally wasn’t in touch with reality.

First off, we'll call this fucker Scott, 'cause that’s his real name, and if you're in Ottawa and some lanky douche bag with a fucked-up voice and similar name tries to talk you into gaming with him, kick him in the balls and tell him no. I met him at a VtM meet-up in Ottawa. He expressed an interest in playing and I had a cool idea about a VtM game that I wanted to run.

The game was set just prior to the Salem witch trials in Salem mass. The characters would play various people from almost any walk of life. The only restriction I made was that the characters couldn’t be the town clergy or anyone of political pull in the town. My friend Austin played a town watchmen, his brother and my friend Alex played a traveling entertainer, Warren (Scott's friend) played a local scholar. What did Scott the dick licker play? He wanted to play a member of the Spanish clergy and staunch supporter of the inquisition, who fled Spain because he had earned some enmity. Fine, no problem. Character generation. Everything goes smooth, people make their characters and I don’t really bother looking over their sheets because I trusted everyone. That was my first mistake. Scott had decided he wasn’t satisfied with standard character creation and spent 104 freebie points, as opposed to the standard 15. Needless to say, he re-did the character on opening session.

TBC

My first DM was outright horrible. Another anon referred to his DMing as him thinking "Oh gee! This would be a great flash movie!" and then subjecting us to do it via tabletop. That was a spot on analysis. The fact that he was completely oblivious to how much we hated what he was doing was what made it the worst. Let me repost it...

>>6922575

this is not funny
this is not even sad
this is stupid and reeks of lies

>>6922608
"My first DM was terrible. I was a new player as were the four other members of the party. At first he was alright, the first quest was the basic "The small, defenseless hamlet of X is being pestered by race Y, help us adventurers and we shall give you gold!" My character was a LE wizard and an old grumpy bastard. My motivation was pretty much just that I still wanted to have that hamlet there to shop from (I lived on the outskirts of it). We fight the goblins and find out a young dragon was leading them (We were all level 1). Soon came Mr. Dues Ex-Machina Gary Stu to save us. After one in game day the dragon came back as a full grown adult. It killed half of us (Nobody except Mr. Stu could hit it) and left after destroying my house. Then we all were railroaded into going to some huge city where we met Doc Brown. At this point we were all done, our characters just wanted to go to market at this point. Mr. Stu however wouldn't let us. The conversation went like this...

DM: "Lightning falls everywhere and then from the clearing smoke you see a large box, out of it comes an old man."
Brown: "Hi, my name is Doc Brown and you have to help me get back... To the future!"
Stu: "Of course Mr. Brown! We will all help you!"
Player(s): "Bill, this is fucking stupid. We all continue to the city and head to market."
DM: "So you all go to market... WITH MR. STU AND DOC BROWN! You start searching for his time machine."

I formulated a plan with everyone else to buy a bunch of flintlock pistols. After doing so we killed Brown then got killed by Stu, who was apparently level 20 all along, the fuck even showed us the sheet he made for him. We "start over" again before we kill Brown and go along with it. By the end of the session we encountered Batman, The Joker, Gordon Freeman, and Barack Obama. We never let Bill DM ever again."

>>6922575
So a perverted roleplayer fucks over the rollplayers?

Brilliant.

>>6922618
Another anon then urged me to go on about Gordon and I did.

"Ugh, fine. Shortly after "we" (Stu) stop the nefarious joker's plans to blow up something or whatever we are called up to receive some sort of traditional honor from the president of whatever the name of the city we were in was. Oh dear! It's Barack Obama! Yay! After some self wanking of his character and Obama being buddies all along they decide to leave to go drinking or some shit. So we are left in the throne room alone. No guards, no medals, no ceremony for our attempting to defeat the AC 30 joker. Just left in there. We try to leave and the DM just sort of spouts out after a handful of pretzels "Uh, the main gates seem locked from the outside." After a little bit of arguing (Mostly me, but the others soon joined in. A lock on the outside of a leader's throne room is absolutely retarded.) He says we start seeing the tiles under one of the many carpets buckling. We all get ready for whatever is going to pop out. Some of us call at the door saying that somebody is breaking into the throne room. No answer. Soon a large hole opens and out pops the ever silent Gordon freeman with a pixie. A fucking pixie."

>>6922624

"(cont.) The pixie calls herself Alyx and she says that she needs our help to, I shit you not, legalize gay rights. Seeing as no guards show up and the two of them are probably level 20 themselves we go into their tunnel and into the underground gay rights community. After that "we" (Mostly the DM and his merry bunch of NPCs, we just tossed a few dice) incite a riot and try to overthrow the government. We start fighting Obama and Stu. By fight I mean he said "Roll for initiative." and we all said "We're not really helping, this is retarded." Not happy with that answer he one shots two of us. My friend, playing a bard, says "Look, we don't even care about your city's gay rights issues. We just want to leave." Obama says "Gay rights? That's what this is all about?" battle ends, rights are legalized right then and there, Gordon Freeman gets married to some big guy and there is a celebration where we are finally given medals. We all went home sad and confused. Our first session ever was with one of the worst DMs on the face of the planet. The end."

And that's it. The worst session(s) of my life with the strangest fucking person I would ever meet.

>>6922600

Cont'd
>So first game rolls around, and as soon as Scott finishes making a new character, my roommate Audra comes through the door and says hi to everyone. Immediately, Scott stops paying attention to everyone except her and starts shooting her the most desperate "I want to ream your birth canal"-eyes I’ve ever seen. He tells her how he's a lawyer and tried to impress her by feigning interest in whatever she was talking about. Luckily, he's absolute shit at that and everyone knew he didn’t give a rat's ass about what she was talking about, and the pizza hut uniform tipped us all off that he wasn’t a lawyer (well that, and he was stupid as fuck).

So Audra after subtly expressing no interest in him leaves and it’s down to gaming. The plot was simple, the town’s folk of Salem are gathered just after dark in the town square and are being whipped into a killing frenzy by a visiting priest who warns of the spawn of Satan that has taken up residence in the town graveyard. The visiting priest accompanied by the town priest lead the people to graveyard where after being attacked by some Animalism encouraged animals the PC's, and visiting priest go into a crypt to kill a nosferatu. At this point how the plot was supposed to go and how it went are a little different. The priest was a Ventrue and the town priest was his ghoul. The Nos. was a member of a sabbat pack and the Ventrue wanted him dead. So he tricks the PC’s into helping him kill the Nos. The sabbat pack shows up and out of spite embraces the party and them sicks them on the priest. While they do that the sabbat pack tips off the still edgy townsfolk as to the recent changes in the PC’s and then BAM opening adventure leads to a long campaign. If only things were that simple…..

TBC

>>6922618
>>6922624
>>6922627

I do believe that I enjoy this thread!

>>6922632

Cont'd

> Right when the PCs get to the nosferatu its initiative after some words between the priest and the vampire. Who wins, why Scott of course. What's his first action? Why to shove the priest towards the monster so that it will buy him time to draw his sword. So the rest of the round proceeds as normal. Next round Scott decides against drawing his sword and bends over to pick up the priest and throw him at the vampire. Fast forward, and the vampire is dead and the priest mortally wounded by Scott. The town watchman tries to bandage the priest wounds but Scott isn’t having any of that. He knocks Austin out of the way and slings the priest over his shoulder and storms off towards town.

After a struggle near the exit to the crypt Scott drops the priest and runs off towards town. The players pursue and rat him out to the town guard. While Austin makes sure the visiting priest is brought back to the church.

Here's a list of things Scott tries to do when he hits town. Bear in mind he's a soldier of the inquisition.

He storms into the church while all the women and children are hiding out while the men folk deal with the devil in the graveyard. There were a couple guards there so he aborted his plan to take a crap on the alter.

He then leaves the church and makes a point to tell me “I close the doors". He gets his 2 vials of oil and pours it on the back of church. He lights it up and then laughs maniacally and runs around to the front. He asked me to describe what he saw. "Well Scott, when the people inside realize that you've started a fire. They open the door and leave."
He then proceeded to freak out saying, "how could they leave? I closed the door!!!!"

Next he decided to kill a dog and throw it on someone’s roof.

>>6922639

Cont'd

>Then he hid in the shadows and tried to ambush someone with the intent to kill them. He of course fucked it up and by this time the PC's had assembled the town guard the town guard and were scouring the area for Scott. The big show down occurred on the docks in the ship that Scott traveled to town in. All the sailors were out on shore leave and the captain was the only person on the ship. So Scott tried to kill him and then when that failed he ordered the captain to help him repel the 40 towns folk assembled outside the ship. The captain smiled and nodded and then excused himself out the back door when Scott left to look for more weapons.

Now I can’t recall how it happened but Scott set the ship on fire (I think with the aide of the powder kegs) when the PC’s started boarding to capture him. Once the ship was on fire the PC’s just strolled back down the boarding planks content to let Scott die. So what did Scott do? Scott decided to dive into the ocean and swim to safety, and being the clever fellow that he was, took his CLAYMORE, and put on his LEATHER armor. After taking the plunge he noticed he was starting to sink. He couldn’t fathom why, after all, he had 2 successes on his athletics/strength check for swimming. Now this is where I did something I shouldn’t have. I gave him help. I let him take off the armour underwater, I fudged a few dice so that he made it to shore, and I had him get caught by the town guard.

TBC...

>>6922575
This represents game-breaking stupidity by the GM. If that was out of character for the character (as opposed to the player) the GM should not have allowed it to happen. If it was in character for the character, that character should not have been allowed in the game. A good GM is involved enough with the character-creation process to exercise a little veto-power in the interest of good judgment that players occasionally lack.

Every story in this thread so far is a story of a terrible GM who thinks he's telling stories of terrible players because he, for whatever reason, has some gigantic blindspot about his own qualities as a GM.

>>6922618
>>6922624
>>6922627

I am stupider for having read this.

>>6922658

Cont'd

>
After the gaming session and Scott had gone home, I asked Warren a few things about Scott. Scott had told me all about how he used to be the high school quarter back, how he was in Afghanistan and had a knife wound from it, how he was a lawyer now and married. Warren was much more honest. Turns out Scott was an ex-heroin addict. His current wife hated him so much that she waited in the closet of their bedroom one night and tried to murder him with a knife. He used to hang out on Rideau Street, until he molested a 13 year old and had a bunch of skinheads run him off. ...THE END.

>>6922487
>>6922520
Making yourself higher level than the rest of the party is not powergaming.

It's being retarded.

>>6922639
too bad. the game didnt seem to be going bad until the massive THAT GUY happened.

>>6922618
>>6922624
>>6922627
pic related

>>6922637
>>6922668

Imagine trying to "play" through it. It was mind-numbingly retarded.

Well, I'll throw in one of my debacles. My friend Adam was DMing. The party was your typical group, a priest, a monk, two meat shields, a thief and a mage. I was playing the mage. More specifically, a wild mage.
Anyways, Adam gives us an unopenable chest routine and the rest of the party decided it'd be a good idea to backtrack and search where we had been for a way to open it. Me? I had other ideas.
Let us look at the chain of what passed for my logic. I had Nahalls reckless dweomer memorized. This spell creates a wild surge and, if you roll well enough, you get a named spell in addition to the wild surge.
I had my lucky dice, twelve beers in me, and nothing to lose.
First, I began with a recursion. Nahall's reckless dweomer used to surge and hopefully create Nahalls dweomer. I rolled the dice, and lo and behold, I got the roll. So, I figured I'd repeat the recursion. Praying to the gods of the dice I did it again, and got it. And again, and again, and again. Then, finally, a little voice in the back of my head said, you're running out of luck. So I did it one last time, this time with the spell chosen as the additional result being knock.
It worked, the chest fell open and we got phat lewt.
Of course the rest of the party wasn't shielded with Hornburgs Deflector like I was, so, in addition to the lewt, one got smaller, one got taller, one grew tits and lost a dick and another fell in love with him. Oh, and the paladin became Chaotic Evil. But we got the loot!

Needless to say, My character was murdered painfully over the course of a week and the party used his mutilated corpse to terrify any monsters they came across.

>>6922676
Impossible, I would have killed that man at the table near the beginning.

>>6922713

AWESOME!

>I had my lucky dice, twelve beers in me, and nothing to lose.

Sounds like every game I play.

>>6922618
>>6922624
>>6922627

Now I know not to join any campaign run by retarded liberals. At least one run by a retarded conservative would contain "Killan demons fo Jezus."

My wife and I started playing Living Greyhawk about 2 years ago, after playing a fun intro game at Ubercon '04 in NJ (we fought an undead cow - I kid you not, it was an awesome lighthearted intro). Our local dutchy was a little more... untamed. The one line description of Geoff is: "No order, giants have taken over, and there are Fey everywhere."

So we play a couple intro mods - kill some kobolds, solve a chicken-stealing mystery, and then we're assaulted by Fey and forced to do their bidding by playing horrible games where the only way to win is to cheat (I hate Fey now, and all my characters carry cold iron).

Well, since we're new, this guy offers to help us - we'll call him Jack. He runs a few mods for us, and then invites us to join his weekend game. We've been having a pretty good time so far, so we roll characters and show up. I'm playing a Gnoll Ranger (Fippy!) who passes himself off as a bounty hunter (and gets away with it), and having a pretty good time. My wife rolls up a warmage (we'll call her Tsaura), and is still a little uncertain of herself as a D&D player so she's a little meek.

>>6922763

Continued

Well, we run into a couple NPCs at the local inn, and start chatting - I don't even remember why. They're mixed gender. All of a sudden, one of the female NPCs starts hitting on my wife's character (at this point, we had known this guy for a couple weeks - just an acquaintance). My wife does an admirable job of keeping composed; she plays along for a bit, and when things start to go too far, makes it clear that she's not really interested.

Then Jack starts rolling some dice, and tells her to make a Will save. My wife complies, and he says that she failed and that her character now feels something for this female NPC who decides to become her follower. This made us both uncomfortable, because while we were both still relatively inexperienced roleplayers, we both had the concept that we should play our characters. I don't remember if Jack took that little encounter farther or not, but I certainly remember feeling uncomfortable and a little outraged.

But we're both too polite to just stand up and leave, so we let it play out for a bit.

The next combat encounter happens fairly soon; I don't remember why it occurred, but it's a fairly large affair near a castle with a moat. Quite frankly, it's too big - way too many NPCs compared to the three (four?) of us, and we get maybe one turn every 20-30 minutes. It's becoming rapidly clear to us that we just play incidental roles to whatever story this guy is weaving. We're bored, and are looking to play for ourselves when my wife's follower get hit with a crit, and falls into the moat unconscious. The exchange goes something like this:

>>6922765

Continued


DM: So, Tsaura, you run to rescue her...
Tsaura: No, I don't.
DM: What? You have to, you have romantic feelings for her.
Tsaura: No, I don't - I was just using her. The shot looked like it seriously injured her - probably killed her, right?
DM: Yeah, it looked really serious - you should go check on her.
Tsaura: No - my character figures that she's probably dead, and goes on with the battle. I cast-
DM: No, your character runs over to check on her. You go to pull her out of the water, and...

I don't remember if we got up and left right there, or if we waited until he finished speaking and then excused ourselves. Definitely the worst PnP experience we've had (although the "Ranger on a wall! LOL!" guy was pretty bad, too - story for later).

But it got worse. After we expressed no interest in continuing to play his campaign, he kept at it. IMs, e-mails, even started giving us a hard time when we went to play other LG games. We finally just stopped playing LG so he'd leave us alone.

>>6922575
I think you're a bit confused on what powergaming is. The bullshit social powers like dominate that let you win the game are what powergamers take, because powergamers are playing to win.

Freshman year in college I had a campaign going, of which the details are inconsequential. Anyway, I was DM.

All the players were male, but my one friend decided to start a romance between his character and another guys female rogue. Have you ever seen two grown men confess their pretend feelings for each other? It was downright disturbing. And as if THAT wasn't bad enough, another guy decided he thought one of the NPC chicks was hot. I just cut that one at the bud, I wasn't going to start writing love letters to the bastard. Awkward.

Anyway, we played on. The campaign came to an unfortunate close when our beloved brave adventurers were exploring some drow wizards pad in the underdark. Luckily, they found a bunch of explosive magical orb thingies. No doubt useful weapons in the trials ahead. One of the trials, unfortunately, was the illusion of a room beyond a door that actually led straight out the third floor. Will saves failed, everyone thinks its real.

Well at least our players aren't stupid, right? They know it's a wizard's place, so they expect traps. But resident rogue sees none. So what do they do as a failsafe? All but one guy rush into the illusionary room and... fall three stories. It's a shame that no one knew featherfall, but everyone survived the fall damage anyway.

What does last remaining guy (with the chest full of explosive magical orbs) do? He knows he can survive the fall damage. POWER FIST TO THE PAVEMENT!

It actually took everyone a few moments to realize why I was rolling all those dice...

JaseDM:Okay you're in a cave.

Player: Well, I'm gonna take my rope and throw it up.

JaseDM: Uh, Okay... Why?

Player: Because I wanna catch it on the rafters.

JaseDM: ...It's a CAVE. There are no rafters.

Player: Okay so I'm just gonna throw my rope up.

JaseDM: And capture what? Okay, fine, you throw your rope up and it catches a low flying bat. Now, your in a cave, and there's a bat flying around with a rope around it's neck.

>>6922802
Poor bat :C

It was on of the few campaigns I was actually able to play (and not GM) for a protracted span. Everything was going well. I was playing a figher who had an unusually high WIS score, so I took on the roleplay angle that he was 'searching for God' and would coverse with every religious person he came in contact with on this search.

The failings of the humans representing each God kept my character from choosing one faith as his own for quite some time, but the search went on. Late in one session, the party was attacked by some Trolls and the two fighters (mine and another) went toe to toe with three of them (we were mid level). The casters and thief (2nd Ed at the time) were all sleeping and had to wake up, so we bought them as much time as we could.

In short order my character was hit a few times and then received a crit on a roll of 20. I went down to -6 hp and the GM looks at me and says, "As the light of the world fades to blackness, it is replaced by a new light -- You see a God, your God. You feel a peace you never have before!"

In a very cool plot move the GM was giving me a chance to come back from death with knowledge of the faith that was right for me. All I had to do was hang on long enough for someone in the party to rescue me. Was I that lucky? No. I was stupid.

"I get as close to my God as I can to learn everything of him/her/it!" blurted from my lips just as soon as the GM finished his descriptive statement. He took me literally and my soul rushed to my God's side to enjoy peace in eternity. Even beyond the reach of raise dead (the soul refused).

The only thing that made it bad for me was that the GM wouldn't tell me which God it was. He thought it was funnier that my character received peace and I didn't. Yes -- we were young and mean back then.

>>6922795
homophobic

one of the weirdest games i ever was part of was a Rifts game at Origins, everyone was a rendition of some Hanna-Barbera character. I was Yogi bear, the ursa warrior, with my little bear buddy BooBoo, the much smaller ursa warrior. GrapeApe the mutant gorilla with a plasma cannon, even Snagglepuss was there, played by my friend who has never seen any of these cartoons, cuz he's a shut in who hates TV. Hucklebeary Psi-hound, Top-Cat the whatever the fuck they call em in rifts, psicats? who knows, anyway...

the plot was pretty simple for a one shot, something to do with Wacky Races, the crowning moment was when we came across the Harlem Globetrotters (my brothers idea, he said, "if we're in a hanna-barbera cartoon, the Harlem globetrotters have to make a cameo!" the GM couldn't resist) and Ranger Smith the Psi-Stalker rolled a 100% (for those of you unfamiliar, thats a fumble) on his knowledge demons check on the globetrotters incredible basketball tricks, it had to be magic. We glassed them all in a torrent of lazer fire and plasma clouds, i think BooBoo launched a short-range, low-yield tactile nuke from the gunner of the tank we where taking.

All i remember of the final confrontation was making a giant rubber band out of melted tires and firing my 'little bear buddy' at Snidely Whiplash on his technowizard flying machine, a few mega damage bites later and we had won the day!

for speaking entirely in rhyme i got a bag of tiny black d6s from the DM, we use it for minions to this day.

>>6923010
Words cannot describe the awesome.

>>6923010

> tactile nuke

FFFUUUUUUU-

>>6923343

Eff you, that's what they're called.

>>6923343
I don't know, a nuke IS fairly tactile.

>>6923010

Jesus Christ.

>>6923966

If it hits you directly. For the split second it takes all your nerve endings to disintegrate.

>>6922487

Dats some ugly chainmail right there.

>>6922763
>>6922765
>>6922775

That was just fucking creepy.

>>6924663

People like that give people like us a bad name, and I'm sorry they had to go through something like that.

Roleplaying should be a worthwhile experience, memorable, not for the nasty stuff, but because you're engaged in a fun game with people you like, those who respect boundaries and know how far they can go.

tl;dr: I have an opinion.

One time I told everyone to roll up d20 modern characters and when they got there they were suprised to know the setting was Duckberg.

Once they realized they were playing ducks, dogs and cat people they were each blackmailed by the Beagle Boys to rob Scrooge McDuck's Moneybank. The final 'boss' of the trap filled module was Huey Duey and Louey standing on each other shoulder's in the Gizmo Duck armor. They loved it, but I was never allowed to DM D20 Modern again.

>>6922618
>a time travelling box appears in front of you
>Doc Brown