Sell the cocaine. Buy some sammiches.

Find an attractive woman on the street. Flagrantly masturbate while looking at her.

>>7224348

you sell the cocaine to an idiot middle-schooler. You go to the local circle K to get some food, but are stopped by two idiot punks at the door. They obviously don't realize you are former military, and can kick ass with one arm.

Ignore, plow through, or beat to pavement?

Sell the coke. Buy some beans. Cook beans. Fart on people who walk by.

Wave hi to the angry motherfucker in the hearse, even though he won't see you since he's too damn determined to kill that sporetato.

>>7224443

forgot my trip

>>7224260
Guess thats it for Angry CEO. Poor bastard.

Ah well, lets get ourselves moving. If anybody got run over by the hearse, go check the bodies and take their wallets.

>>7224443
Plow through. Bitches don't know about my Hobo-Fu.

>South Dakota
That means it's a pretty white population, which in turn means Blandsville, USA. While that may be true, I have nothing scheduled in my daily planner, so I go to investigate.

>>7224465

roll 1d100, call high or low.

rolled 59 = 59

>>7224478
Low.

>>7224478
I don't have a d100. I'm a fucking hobo! Let's rock-scissors-paper for it, Mr. Moneybags.

Hobo calls ROCK! It's what he uses for a pillow.

>>7224260
That man clearly has two arms.

>>7224491

You tell the kids to get out of your fucking way, and shove your way through. However, as you get through, they take your wallet, which had the money from your recent drug deal. They run off, and are suddenly mowed down by a hearse being driven by an angry man in a suit with a hellhound in the passenger seat.

>>7224514
Go back and get our wallet back from those fucking dead punk kids.

Don't they know how to treat a war hero?

>>7224514
Search the bodies.

>>7224514
Wait, if he's on his way to his house, his death hasn't happened yet, then we can try to stop him from dying...

FOLLOW THAT HEARSE!

>>7224514
Take our wallet back and search their bodies for valuables. Also, be mindful of the hearse, don't get hit.

>>7224531
Sounds lame. Let's just get some beans.

>>7224531
CEO didn't die. He just got mind-blasted by a sporetato.

That said, CEO and PotatOP will probably say its canon that he got infected, so at best we'd walk in after he passed out on the couch.

Seconding >>7224551 's suggestion

>>7224526
>>7224530

You get your wallet back, and empty out theirs. They were both students at Stevens High School. they also have knives, cell phones, iPods, weed, and a lighter.

You take everything but the IDs, and are curious about the hearse you knew you saw earlier by the shitty Mormon church. You follow it. As you do so, you see a tree sprout out of nowhere, and split the fucking hearse in two. It's still really fucking far away from you, but you can make out the man in the suit crawling out in a daze. It's about a mile away. Continue to follow, or go on your own way?

>>7224578
Is there magic a foot? this is some weird shit.
Continue to follow, but do so in a militarily stealthy manner.

>>7224578
Go get beans.

>>7224578
Follow him.

I break out into song.
My story is so tiresome.
(tiresome!)
Back in France, I was rich as they come.
(as they come!)
But I lost all my wealth
And my good mental health.
Now I live with ze filth and ze scum.
(and ze scum!)

I'm Pierre, ze only french bum
in New York (ooooooooh)
When I open my Boone's
[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/LJxz ]
Farm, I still sniff ze cork
(ooooooooh)
So have you a quarter?
I'm begging you, please. (ooooooooh)
I have to have wine with my
government cheese.

I really should bid you adieu.
(bid adieu!)
I'm feeling a bit sacre bleu.
(sacre bleu!)
My life is a hell.
I give off a bad smell,
But I'm French, so that's
always been true.

Pee-ew!

I bet this hobo is secretly the long lost brother of the Angry CEO. Maybe they even have the same class levels, stats, skill point allocations and slightly different names.

>>7224615

You go in the Circle K and get the biggest fucking can of baked beans you can find. You open that can on the spot, chug that fucking can down, and then shit in the can, and throw it at a dog. Then you buy another.

You decide some weird shit's going on, and not just the fact you just shit in a can of beans. You follow the trail of destruction as stealthily as possible, various music from Metal gear going through your head. A few cats see you, but nothing big.

roll 1d100, call high or low.

>>7224648
>[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/LJxz ]

Somebody forgot to check their copy and paste.

rolled 92 = 92

>>7224666
High

rolled 55 = 55

>>7224666
High. If I remember how to roll, dammit.

>>7224684
Well shit. I was hoping the hobo would fuck it up but it looks like his Army training paid off.

DON'T FORGET YOUR CQC TRAINING, SNAKE.

>>7224684

You sneak through everybody's yards undetected, and come to a street. Still about half a mile to reach where the man in the suit crashed. You see more men in suits coming down the street. They have Bibles in tow.

"Fucking Jehova's Witnesses," you mutter to yourself. They notice you, and come running at you. "Excuse me sir, have you found Jesus?" they're screaming at the top of their lungs. They want to evangelize the shit out of you. What do you do?

>>7224732
Tell them you have. You saw him down at the Circle K. If they hurry they might just catch him yet.

>>7224732
Jehovah's Witnesses in northern South Dakota? Now, you're just being silly.

>>7224732
Set them ALL on fire.

>>7224751
Those copies of Watchtower aren't going to distribute themselves.

>>7224732

START PUNCHING! EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME!

>>7224732
Use the knives we looted off the bitchasspunkcunts and stab the nearest one.

>>7224743

"Yeah, I've seen him. He's over at the Circle K. You just might catch him if you're quick enough. Tell him to give me my fucking arm back while you're at it."

The Jehovahs look at you skeptically. They've heard it all before. However, one of them goes towards the Circle K just in case. Two go back to door-to-door-ing, and one tries to converse more. You go back to walking through the yards to find the hearse man.

As you reach the next street, you out of habit look back. The one Jehovah who just stayed there is still standing. Except he has a fucking sniper rifle on him, pointed at you. Run, dodge out of his line of sight, or run the bastard down and zig-zag to avoid getting shot?

>>7224830
Well that's just cheating. I guess he didn't like that we found Christ first.

Dodge out of sight. Even if we run him down he still has his other JW buddies around to outnumber us and running from a sniper just means you die tired.

>>7224830
zigzag stab.

>>7224830

Dodge out of sight.

>>7224830
Either we're tripping balls or Jehovah's Witnesses are getting more agressive about delivering the word of Jesus.

Dodge out of his LoS, then RUN LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER

MAYBE ANGRY HEARSE MAN CAN RUN DOWN THESE GUYS TO

>>7224869
i know its probably a troll but loled hard

>>7224865
inb4 he no-scopes us

>>7224881
FUUUUUUUUUU-

Reminds me of my CS days.

>>7224830
DODGE OUT OF SIGHT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER.

>>7224864

You run behind the nearest bush, and onto somebody's patio. You hear a gunshot and a bullet whiz behind you. He starts reloading. You enter the house, which is empty. You look for a gun, hoping only having one arm won't stop you too much from using a pistol. Sadly you find none, and decide to gtfo the house. Looking through the window, you see another Jehovah turning the corner of the street. He hasn't noticed you yet. There's a few windows, a second door outside the garage, and the front window you're looking through. And the door.

>>7224920
Use these many doors to get behind him.
Stab motherfucker.

>>7224920

You wait until he's gone a certain distance, then leave through the side garage door. Sniper Jehovah hasn't pursued you. The Jehovah has an M-16 rifle on him. You sneak up behind him, don't get noticed. You pull a knife out, and stab at the guy's neck.

1d100, call high or low.

rolled 38 = 38

>>7224970
Low

>>7224981

He never knew what hit him. You slash his throat from ear to ear, and disarm him in one fell swoop. He bleeds out on the floor. You take his suit jacket off, and empty out his pockets. You find the Watchtower book, a walkie talkie, and a badge. These guys aren't Jehovahs, they're FBI. Something's really fucking fishy.

Continue towards the hearse, dispatch the rest of the Jehovah/FBI dudes, or run?

>>7225034

FBI!? Holy shit.

How many other JW's are there? Where's the sniper?

>>7225049

three others. Sniper location unknown. One is by the Circle K, one is probably going to pop up any second now.

Every quest ever now takes place in Weston, South Dakota.

>>7225067
We gotta save Angry CEO! It's probably too fucking late by now! Move, move, move!

>>7225075

where else do you have sentient potatoes that become Hivelords and Angry CEOs that come back from Mormon Hell? Weston is the new Arkham.

>>7225081

You will not be stopped by these government agent Jehovahs. They are obviously trying to cover this shit up. You continue the way you came, running fast when you move between houses, in case the sniper pops up.

You think to yourself "Wait, didn't that one guy have a bud- SHIT!"

You hear automatic fire behind you. You roll behind a car. 1d100, high or low. You don't have the M-16, since you can't use it one-handed.

>>7225067

Find somewhere in the house to hide, then. We shouldn't be out in the open anyway, we'd be sniper bait.

rolled 90 = 90

>>7225139
High

Man. Normally I can't roll for shit.

>>7225183

You avoid getting shot. The car takes some bullets and the back window shatters. The Jehovah comes at you. You pull out your knife. Attempt to make a break for the house you're at, hide underneath the car, or keep running and hope you keep calling your rolls?

Go for the house. Jump through the window.

>>7225291

1d100, high or low. Either way you're getting cut up by glass.

rolled 72 = 72

low

rolled 12 = 12

>>7225308
Low.

>>7225337
FUCK YOUR SHIT

>>7225337

You get shot in the back and fall into the bushes as you make a run for it. The Jehovah stares over you. You aren't getting back up.

"John Goldman," the Jehovah says. "You realized you killed a government agent, right?"

"How does he know my name?" you think to yourself.

"I should shoot you now. Make you disappear. You've seen too much. Dug in too deep. However, we could also use you. I can call my friends here, and we can patch you up, get you a prosthetic arm, and a new life. or I can pump you with lead. You choose."

Choose.

>>7225376

Roll with it.

>>7225376
All you need to do... Is be uploaded into the body of a horribly mutated poato.

John Goldman, will you be... our Avatar?

>>7225376

Not much of a choice, eh?

'What kind of arm are you gonna make me? I want a good one.'

>>7225417
Nay, instead, say, "Okay, but give me a claw."

>>7225386

Coughing blood, you say "Fine."

You can't see the man's face, but you know he's smiling. "Very well than Goldman," he says. He pulls out a walkie-talkie. "Secure the area. Get Goldman to the facility. Prepare the area quarantine as planned."

The Jehovah agent manages to stabilize your wounds and keep you from going into shock. You've had worse, but realize you're in mortal condition. Again. Medics come, and you're toted away.

You wake up in a hospital bed. Nobody else is in the room save one guard at the door. He has a gun on his lap, and it's ready now that he sees your awake. The agent who shot you up comes in, and simply says "Welcome".

Feel free to ask anything.

>>7225457

What the FUCK is going on in this town.

>>7225457

'So.... what's the deal? Do you have a smoke?'

>>7225457

'The only question I have, sir, is... how well did your mum think I fucked her, for her to ask you to save me? Because I don't see any other reason I'm here instead of talking to Beelzebub.'

>>7225510
This.
Then "So when did trees decide to become fucking hardcore?"

>>7225522
Who, by the way, has a devil put aside for me, for meee, for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

>>7225489

"To be honest, I can't tell you. Use your imagination. God, science gone wrong, aliens, Cthulhu, your choice. However, Weston won't be the same after today. What you saw, that man in the hearse, was just the beginning of a possibly huge chain of events."

"So that's why you tried to snipe me?" you ask. "I'm just a bum soldier trying to survive day-by-day man."

"It was a necessary precaution. We're sorry. However, we are willing to make it up to you." He nods at the guard, who comes over and pulls his shirt sleeve up. His arm looks perfectly normal. However, suddenly it becomes metallic, far more muscular looking, and has a blade coming from the top of the arm, spikes on the fingers, and two guns pop out of the sides.

"We can alter your memory and ship you to Florida, or you can get fitted with one of these and help stop what's happening in Weston from spreading elsewhere. You'll be selling your body to the government, and all records of your existence will be erased."

"Your choice."

>>7225584

Be the bionic commando.

>>7225584
Agreed. But, on my medical records, list that I'm allergic to beans.

>>7225584
Are we allowed to still like cheese?

>>7225601
"You got a problem with demons, terrorists or Cthulhu? Leave it to me!"

(Note: With all respect to PotatOP, I don't mean to intrude on anything you had in mind. Just kinda winged it to where we were. Now you have Angry CEO mind-slave rebel and Robo-Hobo though :D)

"Not much of a choice, eh?"

The man smiles and pats your shoulder. "We'll begin fitting tomorrow, and you will have to train on the spot. We have no time to lose. For now, rest. Recover. Because it's only uphill from here."

(Probably going to stop until Potatoquest continues. Didn't expect that one low roll. Shit anonymous)

>>7225665
You know, PotatoQuest has evolved into this big universe I no longer have control over, while I appreciate that everyone respects me as having final 'in-canon' saying on everything, Weston has sort of become this campaign setting that anyone can write for.

I appreciate that nobody takes too much advantage of the creative freedom I'd like to encourage with this setting, and I love the stories that are coming from you and the Angry CEO.

To be honest, one of the people who asked what the deal was in Weston was me, interested in how you guys think all this shit is happening. Frankly, any character you guys make I'll probably work into the main quest somewhere.

But /tg/, try not to make like 20 quest threads all set in this town so you can see a character thrown into PotatoQuest okay?

HobOP, feel free to keep going with this, maybe fastforward to the next day, maybe some training with a similar outbreak of sentient vegetables across town, maybe he needs to close the gate to hell, or maybe he has to deal with aliens. I have no idea, it's all just a small town in the middle of nowhere, what happens there is really all up to you.

Has this been archived alongside the other Weston threads?

>>7225750
Maybe they need to stop Heaven and Hell from fighting since they are ignoring civilian casualties? I mean fuck, a tree in the middle of the road? Someone might have gotten hurt.

>>7225750

Thanks PotatOP. I'll continue tomorrow since it's getting late, but I'll try not to interfere too much in a Potatoquest thread unless you explicitly need John Goldman in there.

I honestly figured due to your Dark Gods comment and the fact Angry CEO broke out of Mormon Hell that there was supernatural shiz at work here. End times a'coming and what-all.

>>7225789

From where I'm standing Heaven and Hell are sort of working together at the moment to get Adam back in Hell, cosmic forces may even be at work to stop Heaven from even being aware of the potato.

Or maybe Heaven and Hell are at war, and are using the Potato and the CEO as pawns in their battle.

That being said OP, in general just start with something fairly basic and ask /tg/ to fill in the ridiculous blanks. Use the dice rolls to decide if they're good ideas or not.

I started PotatoQuest with nothing but an idea for a silly quest thread I honestly saw ending in about an hour. It just EXPLODED thanks to /tg/.

>>7225807

That's the funny thing, the 'dark gods' comment was just a throwaway joke that /tg/ took on and made the focus of the quest.

And Adam breaking out of Hell was the work of another quester, initially I dropped the Angry CEO because people didn't really like him. After his quest was resumed by another tripfag, you guys really latched onto the character.

Also the line he worked in about using a cheese grater to simultaneously kill and rape the potato was the best thing I've ever read on /tg/ and had to include such a crazy concept into the original quest.

Should somebody write up a 1d4chan article on the Weston Mythos?

>>7225844

Really? It was just a throwaway? Damn.

>>7225844
Thanks. It was really more of a spur of the moment line :D

>>7225866

I'm not sure... at the moment it seems to small to merit it.

But then, I tend to be rather reverse-biased, assuming that I would only want it to get its own article to make myself feel important.

Roll 3d13 to see if an article should be made.

rolled 4, 4, 1 = 9

>>7225944

>>7225981
Well I was going for high. Is that enough?

>>7226075

Helpful little hint to everyone who browses PotatoQuest, I like to put little commentary in the e-mail field.

I wasn't actually going to tell you the result, I would feel rather proud to see a Weston/PotatoQuest thread on 1d4chan, but a little shameful if it was just a waste of space that has no place being there.

>>7225807
>>7225814
>>7225844
>>7225866
>>7225910
>>7225933
>>7225944

PEACE NEGOTIATIONS GOING ON

>>7226109

I'm sorry, not thread, page.

Writing these quests fucks up my english good afterwards.