I admit I was bored. The negotiations were the usual: Humans can do this and that so long as they don't blow up this or that place. They may not kill so and so in return they are allowed all the x amount of y they want. Blah blah blah. The air conditioning in my suit malfunctioned and the damn thing was getting stuffy which did not improve my mood at all. So when recess was called I decided to step out and see Konasi for myself.
For those of you that don't know or don't care, the Kondar are still very sore about our First Contact. They fear us yes but below that layer of fear is a simmering hatred. Kinda like a child has against his parents when they ground him.
Anyway I'm strolling along the city streets, the locals giving me and my bodyguard a wide, WIDE breadth, when I stumble upon a cineplex. Normally I wouldn't be interested but the title of one caught my eye, '19: First Contact'. I ask the fellow at the ticket booth and he tells me that it's about when the humans first made contact with his race and the ensuing war. Which is weird because the history books don't mention much about a war. So after he's done urinating himself I decide to purchase a pass to watch this bit of comedy... and that was when I saw how exaggerated the stories of our race have gone.

The average human movie is at most 3 and a half hours long. Kondar flicks last longer, and this little number was a whopping 6.7 hours. Thankfully it was already starting so I did not have to see the previews. The room was darkened and was relatively conditioned so I opted to remove my helmet, something I know I should not have done, but hey, it was dark, everyone was focused on the opening parental advisory and reminder to shut off all extrasource communication devices. To take more caution I sat in the back where no one was positioned, so I believe no harm was done. It felt nice to cool down.

It started as your typical film... 'We zannen (that's what they call themselves, like us calling ourselves human) have always looked up for our answers. We sought life out there in the galaxy, and the very souls we reached out to reached back to us. In time we thrived. In time we established ourselves as a major power everywhere in the known verse. Except the Veil." Then it cuts to our section of the galaxy, which of course looks nothing like it really was. It's basically Hell in space the way they portrayed it, full of derelict ships, planets that look all funky, and suns imploding on themselves, etc. Not true at all but real good special effects.
"All ventures into the Veil had met with failure. All who entered it were never heard from again. It was a wasteland. Someplace we KNEW no life could exist. It seems what WE know and what the GALAXY knows are two different things." Cheesy. Ass. Line.

So as we all know the Kondar were fighting the Gox Union that was aggresively expanding its borders into allied space, and a Kondar security fleet had just defeated a Gox Scouting fleet. It was a nice looking battle, plenty of special effects and explosions. Then they expand beyond the battle. It was taking place at Station 19, the Veil checkpoint. One that trafficked all ships going into the Veil, though mostly it was too keep aliens with more balls than brains from going straight into the deathtrap of our home.
So the Kondar are repairing themselves yeah? And that's when they come to the main character of this story, the captian of the KonVass. That's right, the very KonVass the Supremacy shot down. So captain KoSag is talking with his crew about the Gox getting more aggressive and the problems that would cause, and was debating whether or not to requisition more ships for patrol, when his ensign (I think that was an ensign, I can't remember Kondar-Human rank equivalence) pointed out they were getting a strong energy reading. I'm sure you and I both know this is bull crap, we were running in slowly so our energy output was minimal, they wouldn't have been able to detect the ship until it got to...well the station. And we both know both of us were caught with our pants down when we saw each other. But the Kondar still see it in a different way...

Few Kondar aside from diplomats every see a human AS a human. And for reasons I still don't know, they have not disclosed our appearance to the public, and so many are still in the dark as to what we are, only having blurry, bigfoot-esque photos to go on. Whoever directed this had an interesting imagination.
We are bipedal, that much they got down. But they believe we got mandibles where our cheeks should be. And that we have three eyes, holes underneath our arms that sprout tentacle like appendages, for *eherm* invasive procedures as I was to learn later, and that our ships look more like a set off a horror flick than a ship.
So our ships drops into their system. And the first thing they do is pan to the 'humans', showing what's going on inside. Apparently on the 'Soopremetchy', the captain...hang on...it still makes me laugh when I think of it.
Those idiots got our whole language wrong. It's like they took whatever words of our language they thought sounded coolest and mashed em together to form our language. The grammatical errors and accent are so atrocious for a second I thought 'What the fuck is he saying?' So the captain...wait...the captain says, in the subtitles "Interesting. Fresh Meat. This will make a nice change to the usual prey." Though in our language they way he says it is "Mash-up! Tasty food. Nice kill hunting spree!"

And the other 'human' in subtitles replies 'Yes Overcaptain.' Though he says 'Affirmative Caption.'(No I did not spell that wrong, that's what he/she/it said). I didn't even know we had an Overcaptain in the Navy. They seem to know our ranking system better than us...that was sarcasm in case whoever's reading this could not pick it up. Anyway, the Overcaptain then says 'Inform the lesser beings that the Hunt begins.'(Tell bugs fight start now!)
"Yes Overcaptain" (Affirmative Caption)
So the good guy KoSag takes action and aligns the fleet in a pincer formation preparing to fire, when the Caption of the Fleet, some fat guy tells him not to fire. The two get into an argument, the Captain of the Fleet is obviously being made out to look like some pompous buffoon that wanted peace with a bunch of murdering babyeaters. You know, a cliché.

Then the infamous transmission comes. It's static-y but what I could make out was it sounded like 'How are you gentleman...all your base are belong to us.'

Wow. Deja vu.

The Captain of the Fleet says "Hold your fire they are trying to make contact!" And then the 'Soopremetchy', blows his ass into a half cup of atomic matter, the ever famous 'warning shot' was a kill shot. KoSag takes control of the fleet and orders everyone to open fire, doing a lot of cosmetic damage to the ship's front end. And the...ugh... 'Soopremetchy' goes all out, blasting nearly the entire fleet to scrap in a matter of minutes.
And there's a lot of scenes of Kondar dying horrifically, like getting burned, exploded, torn if half from shrapnel, getting sucked out into space, getting vaporized by a plasma shot.

And then the 'Soopremetchy' captain says "Pitiful things. We leave, hopefully they will provide better sport when we give them time to prepare." (Stupid. Go now frown bad. Ball our game better with practice swing.).
"Yes Overcaptain" (Affirmative Caption), and the 'Soopremetchy' starts to turn back towards the Veil.
KoSag, battered and bloody, pushes a corpse off the command console, starts manual override, and drives the KonVass into the 'Soopremetchy's' way, letting loose with everything he has. The 'Overcaptain' gives the order to cripple the ship but not destroy it, as the crews' 'fighting spirit' interests him (Beat crap out of but no shit beat. I you him like of play time fight).

And so the 'Soopremetchy' Blasts the KonVass with its Main Cannon, which we know was not placed on the front, and blasts the ship aside, but doesn't outright destroy it. KoSag then is informed Life Support, and damn near everything but the engines is shot to hell, and he decides to abandon ship, but not before he rigs the KonVass to do a suicide charge right into the 'Soopremetchy''s side.
The KonVass Explodes, causing the shields to drop, and causing a sizeable dent in the 'Soopremetchy'. Afterwards, KoSag falls unconcious and the screen goes black. The crowd is silent for a moment, the only thing you could he was me trying to hold back my giggling. Damn that was funny. Thank JeBudAllaHind no one heard me.

I stopped for a moment to look down at my watch to look at the time, and only a single standard hour had passed. I had to sit through 5 more hours of this? I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I didn't get a choice as the film resumed. KoSag coming to in a medbay of a Kondar Cruiser, the KonKin I think it was called. So KoSag goes through the usual bullshit in these kinds of flicks, dealing with a top brass that thinks he hit his head to hard with the usual, "Nothing can live in the Veil!" stuff that they've been spouting since the beginning of the film. So it goes on to KoSag temporarily relieved of duty while he fully recovers from his head trauma. Enter love interest the surprisingly attractive doctor (and I mean attractive by human standards), who at first does not believe KoSag, treating him as another mental patient. But as the scene keeps shifting to the Supremacy glassing made up planets, people obviously are starting to get suspicious, including the doctor, who starts asking about this 'phantom ship'.

Of course we never glassed any world. Admittedly we blew one up but that was when we thought it was uninhabited, but humanity had made only 2 other major incursions into Kondar space, both done by pirates. The rest were minor skirmishes that didn't happen until WAY after First Contact. Eventually through a 2 hour long reel of drama which I slept through (except for the sex scene, that was actually pretty interesting. Didn't know a Kondar woman was that flexible), KoSag is delivering a message to the Gathering (basically every branch of their government meshed together into a sausage fest of epic proportions), warning of this race of planet killing maniacs. Even with the overwhelming evidence, the Gathering is hesitant about making war, especially while Gox are still fighting them. Suddenly Gox transmission! They shall ally with Kondar after our atrocious crimes committed against them (In reality all we did was drop out of warp kinda close to a flag ship. Close enough to where we tore through the whole thing as we decelerated, and then obliterated the entire1st, 2nd, and 3rd fleet when they retaliated. We still apologized but them Gox know how to hold a grudge). Course with the overwhelming evidence, and the support of their one time enemies, the Kondar go to war! Except the cliché corrupt politician, and by some political bullshit the Kondar have, he stalls the whole vote. I would explain why that worked but it would take longer than watching this damn movie. So KoSag is still grounded for massive drama before the Gox interrupt, pledging their aid against us on some kind of blood oat that apparently overrides the other guy's override. Finally some real action.

So the Allied Systems alongside the Gox Union form this huge fleet to combat the human fleet, which by the way looks like someone copypasted the Supremacy several hundred times over. KoSag is given command of the KonSen, and placed under the command of another commander, one that was obviously red shirt material. And I was right. After the not so motivating speech about how they were the galaxy's last hope, they started fighting our fleet which was just twiddling its thumbs waiting for them in a random tract of space, and it wasn't 3 minutes into it that the Captain of the Fleet gets torn in half by teleporting boarding parties. The ensign tried to make a brave show of it, but she only killed one 'human' before she was restrained. Remember those tentacle things I was talking about earlier? Yeah. Tentacle rape...humans aren't the only one with that fetish. Interesting to watch though.

So then it turns away from the massive galactic battle to KoSag, whose ship lost power. And since the people by the reactor are not longer responding (cut to reactor room filled with that goop they call blood while humans are eating/raping half dead Kondar), he leads a team to go down there. An action flick quickly becomes a horror flick as the human hunting band hunts the team down one by one, eventually only KoSag is left, who manages to kill the entire hunting party but one, who teleports him back to the ...Soopremetchy. The Overcaptain, who despite never meeting him, knows KoSag instantly and gloats over his triumph. Then faster than you can say 'plot hole' he breaks free, and sacrifices himself to kill the Overcaptain, pushing him into a reactor core, which by the way you should NEVER leave open. For some reason that ended the battle. Apparently our chain of command is destroyed when you kill our captain, so afterwards we retreated back into the Veil.

Wait, this is more stuff about the Veil and Humanity trolling the entire galaxy? Fuck Yeah!

KoSag is hailed as a hero, hooray and all that. Then some stirring speech from KoSag, a subtitle that says '20 <Unit of time: closest translation years> later' Humans are back, but we find a massive fleet waiting for us, that blow us to bits. With KoSag as Captain of the Fleet of course. And it ends with the same Kondar from the beginning saying "'We zannen have always looked up for our answers. We sought life out there in the galaxy, and the very souls we reached out to reached back to us. But the galaxy is a fickle place. Some of the very beings we called out to were not interested in peace. Some were more interested in slaughter." Cut to human hunter guy. "Some in sport." Cut to Overcaptain. "But we zannen shall prevail. We have before, we have now. And we always shall." And then the rolling credits play as the lights slowly come back on.

I fumble to get my helmet back on before anyone turns, and it clicked into place thankfully quick. The Kondar seem oblivious to me, talking among each other what they thought of the movie.
"I thought it was alright. Never thought of humans as looking like that but <no direct translation available. Divine being> damn they look ugly."
"KoSag never did any of that though. I thought he retired a drunk."
"Well you know these movie producers, big on action little on history."
"I liked the movie, for once it shows US fighting back."
I couldn't resist. "I thought it was a load of crap. I mean is the guy dead or not?!"
When everyone looked at me, I couldn't help but crack a smile. Course they couldn't see it under my helmet. That's probably what got them all screaming and running out of the Cineplex. I certainly had fun for one evening.
Later on it became a cult classic, because of some rumor spread that all who watch the movie and talk bad about it will then die from angry human spirits bound to the essence of the film or something. Wonder how that got started.
I think I'll ask for a copy of that film during the next meeting.
-Taken from the Journal of T. Rollfaec, currently promoted to Chief diplomat.

So there done. Can't say I leave anything half finished.

Fuck yea. Id buy you a beer, but I suspect you do not currently live in the skandinavian equivalent of alaska.

>Taken from the Journal of T. Rollfaec, currently promoted to Chief diplomat.
I laughed heartily throughout this entire escapade. Trolling xenos is so much more fun than simply glassing their planets.

>>11985949
Eh not really. Man my new comp works like a charm.

well done sir, well done

Pretty good. Hopefully it gets archived.

'ere you go.

>>11986208
And that is as close as you get to an archive. I don't think sup/tg/ archives this stuff no more.

someone post that copy pasta about how aliens see humans as barbarians, send a nuke or some shit, and watch in horror as humans proceed to become epic level bards, but then when humans recover from nuking, they send a message saying "we know you are out there, and we are coming for you"
I love that one.

>>11986236
I liked it. Thank you. Suptg archives everything you want but drawthreads, for example, get voted down and deleted. It's very well written, so you might give archiving a try.

Well then there. Archived.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/11985698/

For better or for worse

Sup guys. It's me, the author of the original story. This thing isn't mine, but I sure as heck like it. I have to say it amazes me that my story is so well liked that people are continuing it.

Just for that, expect more writing from me soon. Of course you won't know it's me but it will happen none the less.

Very good!

>>11986278
Are you some kind of retard?
If you have read it then save and stop requesting repetitive crap over and over again. What HFY needs is fresh material and OP has delivered.