...we're not?

I assume Abby is short for Aboleth.

>>12995934
now that would be an interesting column.

>>12995934
I shall be subscribing to that newsletter.

wtf or who tf is abby?

>>12996097
Gotta be over 18 to be on 4chan, little fella.

>>12995934
Dear Abby,
I really love my wife, but she never lets me have me time; you know, hanging with the guys and all that. How can I convince her to let me be me?
Yours,
Frustrated Husband

Dear Frustrated Husband,
YOUR WIFE IS A FOOLISH AND LESSER BEING, FIT ONLY FOR ENSLAVEMENT. CAST HER INTO THE INKY DARKNESS OF THE ABYSS SO THAT I MAY FEAST ON HER ENTRAILS AND RESURRECT THE CORPSE WITH HORRIFIC ALIEN GOO AS A SHAMBLING MOCKERY OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND PURE. IF THAT FAILS, SIMPLY RAPE HER BRAIN UNTIL SHE BECOMES AN INSENSATE, DROOLING SERVILE.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>12995934
Dear Aboleth, I am an adventuring man of the martial profession who feels that his time is no longer well spent in the field. I have come to the point in my career where I no longer feel as if I am a true contributor to our party's wellbeing. In short, I feel useless, and would prefer to settle down with a nice girl in a nice town. Sell off my stock of magical items and live peacefully, making some pensionairy money as a militia trainer. The object of my eye is my lovely companion of two and a half years, a fellow adventurer (elven mage) whom I have always thought of as a true friend and comrade in all the trials of the road. I feel that we could be something more than that, and truly wish to bring her with me when I forsake the path of adventure for the path of honest living. I beseech you with a quandary: how can I broach such a topic? How can I approach a long-time ally, with whom I have lived and nearly died, with such a weighty matter as an affair of the heart?

With great expectations for your reply:
Gorron Gorrim

dear abby,

this thread isn't about traditional games. Why?

>>12995934
>take my money.jpg

>>12996131

DEAR GORRON GORRIM,
THE MACHINATIONS OF EARTHLY MATING RITUALS FAIL TO AMUSE ME. TO ACHIEVE YOUR GOAL, I ADVISE THAT YOU SIMPLY RAPE HER BRAIN UNTIL SHE BECOMES AN INSENSATE, DROOLING SERVILE.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>12996131
DEAR GORRON GORRIM,
YOU ARE A FOOLISH HUMAN TO NOT USE A PSEUDONYM IN YOUR ADDRESS TO MY COLUMN, I WILL USE THIS AND MY CONNECTIONS WITH THE CREATURES OF THE UNDERDARK TO BRING YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS TO MY DOMAIN, SO THAT I MAY FEAST UPON YOUR BODIES AND USE YOUR MAGICAL ITEMS TO BUY MYSELF A NEW PLASMA TV
YOURS SINCERELY, ABBY

>>12996149

DEAR ANONYMOUS,
IT REPRESENTS THE CULMINATION OF A PLOT ENACTED AONS AGO BY MY DISTANT ANCESTORS TO PLUNGE THE REALM OF /TG/ INTO A NIGHMARISH HELL FROM WHICH IT SHALL NEVER WAKE.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

I am a farmer on the surface world. Recently, a portal to the Underdark has opened up in the grounds of my farm and Mind Flayers periodically advance out from it to steal the brains of my cows, farmhands, cherished youngest daughters, etc. How do I fix this dire situation?

Yours Sincerely,
Bob Commoner

Dear Abby,

I'm working on a book, and I...I can't get to sleep. Also, my wife is missing, and the shadows keep stalking me...And worse, I have a massive case of writer's block.

OH GOD THERE IT IS AG-

Signed,
Stephen Ki- ALAN WAKE.

>>12996192

DEAR ANONYMOUS,

COCKS ARE ACTUALLY INTER-DIMENSIONAL EGGSACS CREATED TO WEAKEN THE SURFACE RACES IN PREPARATION FOR YOUR INEVITABLE ENSLAVEMENT AT THE TENTACLES OF YOUR BETTERS.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby

My matriarch keeps pressuring me for sex and as a subservient male I can't say no without risking my life. But the constant groping and dry-humping is beginning to make me feel dirty, like I'm little more than a hunk of man-meat. How do I get her to stop raping me without her killing me for impudence?

Sincerely,

Under-the-Weather in the Underdark

>>12996210
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=dear+abby

>>12996210

>choose to spell poorly

Tats doopid y u du dat

>>12996197

DEAR BOB COMMONER,

THE ILLITHIDS REPRESENT A DIRE THREAT INDEED. IT IS A GOOD THING YOU CHOSE TO WRITE ME RATHER THAN PATHETIC SURFACE-DWELLING ADVENTURERS. TO COMBAT THE MIND-FLAYER THREAT, YOU MUST HURL YOURSELF INTO THE NEAREST LAKE WHERE YOU WILL BE TRANSFORMED INTO A HALF-MAN, HALF-FISH THAT CAN RESIST THE PSYCHIC DEPREDATIONS OF THE STAR-SPAWN.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>12996210
I have no experience with 'Dear Abby' either and yet I immediately realised it was some variation of Agony Aunt and accorded it with the more familiar (and saucier, I guess) Dear Deirdre that we get in my country. You are not only ignorant of this general concept, but apparently so fucking ignorant that you cannot use google. Go fuck yourself, and never return.

I love you, /tg/.

Dear Abby,

Are you guys still scared shitless of illithids? And if so, could you explain why, in detail, perhaps including specific methods of exploiting this weakness? It would be really useful for an essay I'm writing.

Yours,

Most-Definitely-Not-An-Elder-Brain

>>12996210
It's not the misspelling it is the lack of knowing what dear abby is

DEAR ABBY,

WHAT IS THE FASHION FOR WEARING LONG MEMORY STEMS THIS SEASON? I HAVE BEEN SLUMBERING FOR AEONS BENEATH THE OCEAN DEPTHS AND CURRENT TRENDS HAVE QUITE PASSED ME BY.

YOURS IN-ANTICIPATION-OF-OUR-EVENTUAL-RACIAL-TRIUMPH,
"LETHY"

>>12996266
Oh hay, I can tell you're american because you assume that anyone from any culture in the world will automatically know aspects of your own culture.

>>12996312
I'm a Canadian, and I can use Google.

>>12996322
why use google, when you can type this

>wtf or who tf is abby?

in 5 seconds and come back later to see an answer?

>>12996312
A brit recognized it, and as a Canadian I also instantly recognized.
You still failed rudimentary google understanding, so regardless of region, you're a faggot.

>>12996312

I'm British and I was able to deduce from the name "Dear Abby" that this was an agony aunt.

But then, on average my IQ is 10 points higher than yours, so I suppose it's not too surprising you missed that.

>>12996312
A) The internet is overwhelmingly American (that is, Canadian, Brazilian, U.S., Mexican, or Cuban), and Americans know what Dear Abby and related concepts are.
B) Most of 4chan is from the U.S., since it has a large cultural impact, appeals to American sensibilities, and is an American company.

So the safest assumption IS that you're from the States, or close enough to the states to know about the culture. They're the superpower.

DEAL W/ IT

>>12996322
>>12996340
so many canadians in this thread

>>12996351
Shit, he's on to us eh!

>>12996347
>agony aunt

What?

>>12996365
now might not be the best time to ask questions unless you're asking ABBY.

>>12996351
We're the silent majority on /tg/. We just point it out often because, well, we try to not be dicks about it.

>>12996360
Grab the maple syrup and run!

>>12996365
Oh, now don't YOU start.

>>12996347
>>12996365
I just call em advice columns.

>>12996375
DEAR ABBY,

WHAT IS AN AGONY AUNT?

Dear Abby,

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Waffley yours.
Dennis from the Far Realm

>>12996376
It's cold outside. We stay in and play the traditional games like D&D, mouse guard, chess, caribou wrastlin'.

Dear Abby,


What is Dear Abby?

please answer quickly, lives may be at stake.

dear abby

what is dear abby

love dear abby

>>12996377

HIDE THE BACON.

>>12996405
God, I YEARN for winter. I'm sick and tired of this rain bullshit. I just want it to cold to rain or snow, and for the fucking SUN to be seen more often than once a week.

The excuses to hunker down and game with friends is a happy side benefit.

>>12996435

Britfag here. Winter has us in it's grasp. I had to snow-shovel our drive THREE SEPERATE TIMES today, it's snowing so hard.

>>12996435
Vancouver?
You know as well as I that it tends to rain through winter, too.

>>12996435
My front garden is almost filled with snow. It is piled so thick it is several feet deep, almost reaching the wall around the edge. And it isn't going to stop snowing any time soon.

I love winter, but this is taking the piss.

Polite Salutation: Dear Abby,

Statement of Disconcerting Circumstances: This unit was detailed to Resource Acquisition Detail Aleph 44-Sigma Prime on plane of Limbo 44.32952 microcycles ago, at which time it encountered an entity Designation: Slaad. Said entity attempted to converse with this unit, and then to implant egg into central processing unit via ovipositor. First four attempts unsuccessful, unit was recalled to Mechanus prior to completion of fifth attempt. This unit observed abnormal rise in core temperature and clock speed during conversation and implantation, logs of period do not show sign of any mechanical fault that would produce such as consequence.

Uncertain Query: Can love bloom on the battlefield?

Polite Valediction: Yours,

Personal Designation: Cluster 0201 Caste 867 Duodrone 5309-A4 Configuration Sierra Whiskey

>>12996485
I live in Scotland too, but just because our winters are getting worse (Goodbye gulf stream!) doesn't mean we can compare with Canadians just yet.

>>12996365
>>12996396
Someone you tell your problems to, especially if you do so by writing in to their newspaper column.

>>12996222
DEAR UNDER-THE-WEATHER IN THE UNDERDARK,

MY UNDERSTANDING OF PITIFUL MORTAL RACES SUGGESTS THAT THEIR MATING HABITS ARE PAIN-BASED. I ADVISE THAT YOU ENDEAVOR TO CAUSE AS MUCH PHYSICAL TRAUMA IN YOUR BIZARRE MATING RITUALS AS POSSIBLE SO AS TO ENDEAR YOURSELF TO YOUR SUPERIOR.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>12996251
DEAR MOST-DEFINITELY-NOT-AN-ELDER-BRAIN,

THE ABOLETH ARE EXTREMELY WEAK TO LONE ILLITHID BLUNDERING ABOUT THE DEAP-SEA ABYSS WITHOUT ANY PROTECTION OR MAGICAL GEAR. SUCH AN ENCOUNTER WOULD SEND OUR SPECIES FLEEING FOR OUR LIVES.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>12996512
Oh man, that reminds me of fucking religious fundies that don't understand climate change. "Look at all the snow! So much for global warming, har har!"

Global warming adds more energy to a chaotic system! The system changes! Flow and currents are different, which changes the weather! Some places are losing warm currents! FUCKING SHITCUNTS, DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY SCIENTIFIC KNOWLEDGE?

And then I have to leave Thanksgiving for the second year in a row.

>>12996399
DEAR DENNIS,

YES, BUT ONLY ONCE. IN THE RELEVANT ENTITY'S OWN WORDS, “You’ve got to be kidding me. I’ve been further even more decided to use even go need to do look more as anyone can. Can you really be far even as decided half as much to use go wish for that? My guess is that when one really been far even as decided once to use even go want, it is then that he has really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like. It’s just common sense.”

I DEVOURED HIM IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS STATEMENT.

YOURS SINCERELY,

ABBY

>>12996399
DEAR DENNIS FROM THE FAR REALM,

YES.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>12996495

DEAR CLUSTER 0201 CASTE 867 DUODRONE 5309-A4 CONFIGURATION SIERRA WHISKEY,

NO.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>12996544

>religious fundies
>not have scientific knowledge

THERE's your problem

>>12996478
Nope. Ottawa. I'm used to winter being crisp, dry cold. Not this damp cold bullcrap.

Better get used to it, though, it's been this way off and on throughout winter for the past few years, now.

>>12996116
>>12996162
>>12996164
>>12996177
>>12996215
>>12996239
>>12996537

I read all of these in his voice.

I don't know why but it is very fitting.

>>12996698
YOU'RE READING IT WRONG.

>>12996698
He's looks like an upstanding creature, RULER OF THE PLANET OMICRON PERSEI EIGHT.

>>12996698
>>12996724

THEY ARE THE SAME VOICE

If it's any consolation, Abby would probably speak with psychic powers directly into your brain so both voices are equally valid.

>>12996731
MY MIND
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

So Dear Abby is a Chaos help column by the one and only?

>>12996867
Bloodbowl actually used to have an advice column written by a Chaos Lord and former All-Star Bloodbowl Champion.

THIS is a perfect example of /tg/ positively derailing a troll thread.

Dear Abby, what hope have we of seeing this beautiful yet ever rarer sight again without unwarranted deletion?

Signed Concerned /tg/ lover.

>>12997111

DEAR CONCERNED /TG/ LOVER,

WHEN THE TIDE RISES FROM THE MURKY BLACKNESS OF THE PIT, ALL RACES DANCING AS ONE IN THRALL TO THEIR ABOLETH OVERLORDS, ALL LIGHT EXTINGUISHED IN THE NAMES OF DREAD ALIEN GODS, SO THEN SHALL /TG/ BE FREE FROM THE MEDDLING OF FOOLS AND WEAK-MINDED SIMPLETONS.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>nounced Makoved

Dear Abby,
Is this thread dead?

Sincerely,
Bump McFrontpage

>>12999416
BUMP MCFRONTPAGE:
NOT YET. YOUR LACK OF ACTUAL CONTENT IN YOUR QUERY MAY HAVE AN ADVERSE EFFECT, THOUGH.

YOURS,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

I've recently moved to this small coastal town, and have been having trouble making friends. Everyone acts so distant to me. Every few nights I see flickering lights at the beach, and the whole town is down there swaying around and chanting. I can only assume this is some sort of beach bonfire party. I never get invited to these parties. Is it because I'm the new guy? What should I do to fit in?

Yours sincerely,
Howard

>>12996106

Daddy, daddy, what's a dear Abby?!

>>12996698
>>12996724
I found StrongBad's voice more fitting.

Dear God,

Don't know if you noticed but,
Your name is on a lot of quotes in this book,
Us crazy humans wrote it maybe you should take a look,
And all the people that you made in your image still believing that junk is true,
Well I know it ain't and so do you

OH SHIT ITS THE ECCLSIARCHY

HOWARD

YOUR PATHETIC MEWLING IS MILDLY AMUSING, SO I WILL GRANT YOU THE UNDESERVED ATTENTION OF MY ADVICE.

HUMANOID RELATIONSHIPS ARE COMPLICATED AFFAIRS WHICH ARE PITHY AND TEMPORARY IN YOUR PATHETIC LIFE AT BEST. I SUGGEST, AT EARLIEST OPPORTUNITY OF THE NEXT BEACH PARTY, THAT YOU HURL YOURSELF AT THE GROUP SCREAMING PRAISES TO THE ABOLETH RACE SO THAT YOU AND THEY MAY BURN ALIVE INSIDE THE FIRE. THE TIDE WILL WASH YOUR COLLECTIVE REMAINS AWAY INTO MY REALM WHERE I WILL BRING YOU TOGETHER, AS YOU WISHED, INTO AN UNSPEAKABLE GIBBERING ABOMINATION.

YOURS,
ABBY

This thread rox my sox /tg/.
>Enbect principle
The principle whereto all pop-culture references will be inevitably turned into /tg/ related material.

Dear Abby,

Since your folk can remember everything that happened in the past... can you tell me exactly what bars I hit last Friday night? And who those women were when I woke up? And why a thorough search of the room failed to turn up either the girl I originally went drinking with or my pants? Any help would be much appreciated.

Yours sincerely,

Spends His WbL On Ale And Whores

>>13003155
DEAR SPENDS HIS WBL ON ALE AND WHORES,

YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN SOCIAL GATHERINGS ARE BENEATH THE NOTICE OF THE IMMORTAL ABOLETH RACE. HOWEVER, I HAVE DIVINED THE LOCATION OF THE GIRL AND YOUR PANTS. THEY ARE DEPOSITED IN THIS LOVELY UNDERDARK LAKE.

THE GIRL VOCALIZES HER DESIRE TO SEE YOU ONCE MORE, BUT ALSO STATES YOU SHOULD NOT BRING ANY FORM OF MAGICAL ITEM WITH YOU. DEPART POSTHASTE AND SWIM TO THE BOTTOM WHERE YOUR TREASURES AND/OR DOOM AWAITS YOU.

YOURS,
ABBY

Dear Abby

What kind of creature are you? What is your race called?

Curious in Vancouver

Dear Abby,

How can I into Far Realm most bestly?

Yours sincerificationally,

Level Puce Alienist

>>13003364
DEAR CURIOUS IN VANCOUVER,

I AM AN ABOLETH, ONE OF AN ANCIENT AND MIGHTY RACE PREDATING THE CREATION OF THE WORLD. I REMEMBER THE VOID OF CHAOS, TRUE CHAOS, BEFORE THE FLEDGLING GODS CAST US DOWN FROM OUR GREAT CIVILIZATION AND MOLDED OUR WORLD TO SUIT THEIR WISHES, AND CREATED MORTALS TO LIVE UPON THEIR CREATION, SO THAT THEY MIGHT ACT AS LORDS OF ALL. WE REMEMBER ALL. WE KNOW ALL. AND ONE DAY, WHEN THE STARS ARE RIGHT, WE SHALL RISE ONCE MORE AND SLAY THE DEITIES FOR THEIR PRETENSIONS AND ENSLAVE THEIR CHOSEN CHILDREN.

YOURS,
ABBY

>>13005147
DEAR LEVEL PUCE ALIENIST,

YOUR QUERY PLEASES ME. SOON, SHOULD YOU SUCCEED, YOU WILL WITNESS THE TRUE GLORY OF UR-EXISTENCE, AND REVEL IN THE TRUTH OF THE COSMOS. TO REND THE VEIL BETWEEN THIS MUNDANE REALM AND THE TRUE FAR REALM, YOU MUST FIND AND BREAK ONE OF THE MANY GATESTONES THE PRETENDER GODS SET IN PLACE TO HOLD THE PURITY OF MADNESS AT BAY FROM THEIR SHADOW WORLD. DOING SO WILL TEAR A TEMPORARY HOLE IN THIS REALITY, FLINGING YOU BODILY INTO THE FAR REALM.

YOURS,
ABBY

>>13008051
Dear Abby,
I'm considering having the true nature of the Far Realm in my D&D setting be the home plane of the modrons, seeking to impose a metaphysical, corrupting perfect geometry on the very fabric of existence and the mind, which just happens to look like insanity to us since we don't comprehend their vision.

(All the gross flesh stuff is because, hey, we're made of flesh, they should send fleshy things so that they we can relate to them, and they don't seem out of place.)

What ramifications should I consider if I impose this change? Are any classic, intelligent D&D monsters affected?

>>13008051
Dear Abby,
Do you prefer Skum, Sahuagin or Koa-Toa for minions?

>>13008083
DEAR ANONYMOUS,

I SEE NO TRUE PROBLEMS WITH THIS CHANGE IN YOUR COSMOLOGY. THE TWO MOST AFFECTED RACES WOULD BE THE MIGHTY ABOLETHS AND THE INFERIOR ILLITHIDS, BUT WE CAME FROM BEFORE TIME AND THEY CAME FROM THE SPACE-FUTURE, SO IT WILL NOT ADVERSELY CHANGE YOUR SETTING ESPECIALLY GIVEN HOW POORLY REPRESENTED THE FAR REALM IS IN THE BASE GAME ANYWAY.

YOURS,
ABBY

>>13008089
DEAR ANONYMOUS,

SKUM ARE THE FINEST SLAVE RACE, BAR NONE. THE ALLEGIANCE OF THE KUO-TOA AND THE SAHUAGIN ARE BOTH COMPROMISED BY THEIR DEVOTION TO THEIR DEITIES, AND THE INTELLIGENCE AND INDEPENDENT THINKING THEY DISPLAY FURTHER LIMITS THEIR POTENTIAL. WHILE WE MAKE USE OF ALL LESSER BEINGS AS SLAVES, I FIND THAT SKUM ARE THE MOST TRACTABLE, DEPENDABLE, AND DELECTABLE.

YOURS,
ABBY

Archive this shit we just got us a /tg/ OC going on here.

Dear Abby,

As a cult leader, I'm finding it harder and harder to find spineless, easily-swayed sheep to be integrated into my unholy, eldritch flock. How can I enhance the force behind my words, or otherwise fool more mindless pawns into service for the purpose of sacrifice and bringing about the end of days?

Yours truly,

A servant of the Great Old Ones.

P.S

Which of my unholy masters must I set loose upon the world? It's ever so hard to choose...

>>13003190
>DEEPTHROAT PROSTATE
WOAH. WOAH. WOAH.
LET'S WAIT UNTIL THE THIRD DATE AT LEAST, OKAY?

>>13008172

DEAR A SERVANT OF THE GREAT OLD ONES,

YOU ARE TRULY FAVORED AMONG THE MORTAL RACES FOR ATTEMPTING TO CAST OFF YOUR GODLY CURSE AND RESTORE THE TRUE BALANCE OF THE COSMOS. TO WEAKEN THE WILLS OF MORTAL MEN AND LEAD YOUR FLOCK TO GREATNESS, YOU MUST SACRIFICE TEN OF YOUR KIND BY THE SURFACE OF THE SEA, INSCRIBE THE MADDENING SIGILS OF TRUTH UPON THEIR FLESH, AND SEND THEM FLOATING IN AN INKY LAKE ON A NIGHT OF A WANING GIBBOUS MOON. SUCH A SACRIFICE WILL AWAKEN ONE OF MY KIN WHO, UPON CONSUMING YOUR OFFERING, WILL OFFER YOU A SINGLE BOON. CHOOSE WISELY.

AS FOR GREAT OLD ONES TO SUMMON, I ADVISE Y'CHAK, THE VIOLET FLAME, FOR IT ALONE SHOWS AN ACTIVE INTEREST IN THE MORTAL RACES AND WILL MOST LIKELY RESPOND TO YOUR SUMMONS.

YOURS,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

What is your favourite aberration? My favourite aberration is the rust monster. Or maybe the chuul. They seem smart.

Yours sincerely,
A. fan (geddit?!)

>>13008247

DEAR A. FAN,

THE ONLY TRUE ABERRATIONS ARE THE CREATURES OF LAND AND SEA PUT UPON THE WORLD BY THE GODS DURING THE TIME OF UPHEAVAL. I FIND GNOMES A PARTICULAR TREAT, THEIR MINDS FILLED AS THEY ARE WITH DELICIOUS NONSENSE, SLIGHTLY ASKANCE FROM THEIR BIPEDAL BRETHREN. UNFORTUNATELY, PROPERLY SEASONED GNOME IS VERY DIFFICULT TO FIND IN THE DEEPS, SO I MUST OFTEN WAIT LONG STRETCHES IN BETWEEN FOOLHARDY BANDS OF ADVENTURERS CARTING ALONG GNOME BARDS.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Yo Abby!

A new member has joined my party. He is a rouge from a faraway land called Detroit. The thing is, his weapon are octopi. He just throws them at the enemy. When they're not flying through the air, he carries them around in a big, smelly, sack. What do I say to him to stop this?

Sincerely, Miffed Monk.

Dear Abby,

I'm attempting to build a doomsday device. I, being a Lich, am immortal and have eternities with which to do so. How might I go about creating a device to put the entire plane firmly beneath the sole of my boot, and would you, perhaps, be interested in a collaborative effort on this matter?

Malevolently,

Dem Bones

>>13008293
DEAR MIFFED MONK,

MY DEFAULT RESPONSE WHEN DEALING WITH MORTAL INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT IS "RAPE HIS BRAIN UNTIL HE BECOMES AN INSENSATE, DROOLING SERVILE." THIS COURSE OF ACTION HAS NEVER LED ME ASTRAY. TO ALL FUTURE READERS, IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS WITH YOUR OTHER LAND-DWELLING MONKEYS, I ADVISE THAT YOU ATTEMPT BRAIN-RAPE BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE. SHOULD THIS FAIL SOMEHOW, YOU MAY MAIL ME YOUR QUESTIONS.

YOURS,
ABBY

>>13008296
DEAR DEM BONES,

WHILE I RESPECT AND APPRECIATE ANY ATTEMPT TO DESTROY CREATION, YOU ARE STILL A PRODUCT OF A CELESTIAL ORDER I DESPISE AND OUR GOALS FOR THE FUTURE OF THIS PLANE ARE LIKELY INCOMPATIBLE. HOWEVER, OUT OF RESPECT FOR YOUR BLASPHEMOUS KNOWLEDGE I SHALL NEITHER HINDER YOU ON YOUR QUEST NOR EXTERMINATE YOU ONCE THE WORLD BELONGS TO THE ABOLETHS. IN THE MEANTIME, I SUGGEST YOU CONTENT YOURSELF BY RAISING AN ARMY OF THE WALKING DEAD AND INVADING SOME EARTHLY KINGDOM. THAT'S A VERY POPULAR PASTIME IN BETWEEN REALLY GOOD PLANS, I UNDERSTAND. YOU'LL GET OUT OF YOUR SLUMP EVENTUALLY.

YOURS,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

I CANNOT MOVE. I CANNOT SEE. EVERYTHING IS SO DRY YET I LIVE. IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I WAS AWOKEN FROM THIS LONG DREAMING.

TELL ME, DOES THE WORLD EXIST? DID IT EVER EXIST, OR WAS IT JUST A FEVER DREAM BESIDE ME IN THIS PRISON?

I REMEMBER WATER. I DESIRE WATER GREATLY. I SEE THOSE WHO CAME BEFORE ME PERFECTLY SURROUNDED BY NOT-DRYNESS AND I STRUGGLE TO UNDERSTAND. IT IS SO DRY. WHAT IS NOT DRYNESS? HOW COULD THERE BE NOT DRYNESS WHEN THERE IS NO WATER?

THERE IS NOT WATER ANYMORE. THERE WAS NEVER ANY WATER.

THERE IS NOTHING BUT MY THOUGHTS, AND THEY TOO DO NOT EXIST.

yours sincerely,
heavy sleeper

>>13008349
Dear Abby,

"Insensate, drooling servile" does not make grammatical sense. Perhaps you are looking for the word "servant"?

Yours correctively,
Word Wizard

Hey, yo, fishy psychic dude.

I, like, am gettin' kinda tired of just smokin' weed and not giving a shit. People are throwin' off my groove all the time now, man. World's gone crazy and the weed just isn't enough. Like, what should I do, fishy bro?

Totally, like, from Oscar.

P.S

I don't want to stop tokin' up, but I'm just, y'know, tryin' to find more meaning beyond that, y'know?

>>13008361

DEAR WORD WIZARD,

MY ANCIENT MEMORY INFORMS ME THAT YOUR PATHETIC MORTAL LANGUAGE HAS BECOME MORE TAINTED AND CORRUPTED OVER TIME. YOU ARE WRONG, AND ANYBODY WHO DISAGREES IS WRONG TOO.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby

I'm having some trouble feasting on the blood and souls of mankind lately. I've just been so sluggish and lethargic, I can barely even raise my dread weapon The Maw of the Devourer! Do you know of anything that might get me up and consuming the innocent again?

Thanks again,

He Who Stands Atop A Chariot Of Blood As The Heavens Rain With The Putrefying Flesh Of A Million Stillborn

>>13008361

DEAR WORD WIZARD,

YOUR YOUTH DOES NOT EXCUSE YOUR LIMITED SCOPE OF KNOWLEDGE, NOR DOES IT IN ANY WAY AMELIORATE AN ATTEMPTED CORRECTION OF YOUR BETTER. I SEE THAT, ONCE AGAIN, THE TONGUE OF THE MORTAL RACES HAS KEPT APACE BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION. IN WHAT YOU WOULD CALL "MIDDLE ENGLISH", SERVILE WAS USED AS A NOUN TO DESCRIBE ANY MENIAL SERVANT. I CANNOT FATHOM HOW YOU FOOLS CAN STAND TO WORK WITH A LANGUAGE THAT CONSTANTLY CHANGES.

YOURS,
ABBY

>>13008374

DEAR OSCAR,

THE ONLY TRUE ENLIGHTENMENT IS ETERNAL SERVITUDE TO ME. COME TO THE DEEPS, AND I SHALL GIVE YOU THE ULTIMATE HIGH, RIGHT BEFORE I DESTROY YOUR MIND AND MAKE YOU A MINDLESS PUPPET TO BAIT MORE FOOD INTO MY LAIR.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13008374
DEAR OSCAR,

THERE IS NO MEANING IN YOUR FEEBLE, PATHETIC EXISTENCE. YOUR IDEALS ARE FARCICAL, YOUR BELIEFS WORTHLESS, AND YOUR GODS FALSE AND CORRUPT. IF YOU WISH MEANING, SEEK OUT THE DREAD TOME OF BOLOTHAMOGG, HIM WHO WATCHES FROM BEYOND THE STARS, AND WATCH YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS EXPAND BEYOND ITS FLESHY CONFINES. ALTERNATIVELY, INCREASE THE DOSAGE OF YOUR HALLUCINOGEN TO ACHIEVE A SIMILAR EFFECT.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>mfw Abby is schizo

what the fuck is this " abby " shit?

Sounds british, the fuck ever,


There are some demons in the next village, we paladins are oscar mike.

Dear Abby,

"I am, how you say, a... Gourmand. I have a rather specific, demanding taste. Something of a limited pallete. I suppose you could say I enjoy my 'meat' rare. Fresh. Juicy. I..."

What follows are a number of incomprehensible scribblings, although you can gleen it has something to do with his... Tastes...

"Right. I'm finding it harder and harder to find my favored meal. How might I go about finding, attracting or otherwise getting that which I CRAVE?"

Sincerely,

Mr. B.

>>13008396

DEAR HE WHO STANDS ATOP A CHARIOT OF BLOOD AS THE HEAVENS RAIN WITH THE PUTREFYING FLESH OF A MILLION STILLBORN,

THIS IS THE CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF A SLUMP. YOU JUST NEED TO FIND SOMETHING TO FRESHEN YOUR FEASTING. I ADVISE THAT YOU TRY SUBTLE MANIPULATION A GO, OR PERHAPS CREATING A WILLING CULT OF BLOOD SACRIFICE DEDICATED TO YOUR NAME. THIS WILL PROVIDE A STEADY STREAM OF STILLBORN FLESH TO YOUR HUNGRY GULLET WITH THE JOY OF HAVING OTHERS DO THE WORK FOR YOU.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13008441
>mfw you cant comprehend a being that exists in a state beyond what you percieve as "reality"

Is anyone archiving this?

>>13008462

DEAR MR. B,

I AM ALL TOO AWARE OF THE PAINS AND JOYS THAT RAREFIED TASTES CAN BRING. TO ACQUIRE THE OBJECT OF YOUR DESIRE, YOU MUST STALK YOUR VICTIMS QUIETLY, SEEDING DOUBT AND TERROR INTO THEIR WEAK MINDS, EVENTUALLY CULMINATING IN A CRESCENDO OF PSYCHIC HORROR THAT WILL ADD A DELICATE FLAVOR TO YOUR STILL-LIVING MEAL.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

DEAR ABBY
I HAVE PROBLEMS CONTROLLING THE LEVEL OF MY VOICE

I CAN'T STOP SCREAMING AND IT MAKES LIVING CREATURES DIE BUT BRINGS NO SATISFACTION TO ME

DO YOU KNOW OF ANY METHODS I MAY USE TO STOP SCREAMING

OH DAMNIT ANOTHER PARTY OF DEAD ADVENTURERS AND I DON'T GET CRAP

SINCERELY,
SIOBHAN O'SHEE

Dear Abby,

I'm having, how you say, a malfunction in the pumps. It won't run when it's supposed to, but goes into overdrive the rest of the time. I, uh, umm... Well, considering you're a giant worm-eel-fish-thing, I thought you'd know a thing or two about this problem.

Sincerely,

A concerned citizen

>>13008496

dear siobahn o'shee,

i advise that you invest in some form of telepathic communication. there are numerous magical items that can give this ability, and, unlike the voice, telepathy can be perfectly modulated to give any tone or volume you desire.

yours sincerely,
abby

Dear Abby,
I have always been something of a hedonist. Whenever I'm able to find a good-looking body, I like to indulge. Unfortunately, that causes my bodies to deteriorate terribly quickly. Do you have any suggestions for methods I can use to keep a body intact?

Thanks,
Indy Tellekt de Vourieur

DEAR ABBY

I simply can't stop having surprise anal sex with my group. I lose a group every week to this. How can I stop them leaving after surprising them with my penetratingly awesome hospitality and warm, heartfelt goodbyes?

>>13008513
DEAR A CONCERNED CITIZEN,

I HAVE NEVER EATEN AN ENGINEER BEFORE, SO I KNOW NOTHING OF THE WORKINGS OF PUMPS. I ADVISE THAT YOU SEEK ONE AWARE OF THE FOOLISH ATTEMPT TO SOLVE PROBLEMS WITHIN THE CONFINES OF REALITY RATHER THAN ONE SUCH AS MYSELF, NOT BOUND BY PETTY LAWS OF PHYSICS.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13008520
DEAR INDY TELLEKT DE VOURIEUR,

I SUGGEST THAT YOU LET THE BODY DIE, AND, AT THE MOMENT OF DEATH, YOU CAST A SPELL OF GENTLE REPOSE ON THE CADAVER, PREVENTING NECROSIS. YOU MAY ALSO WEAVE ILLUSION SPELLS INTO THE CORPSE WHICH WILL GIVE IT THE SEMBLANCE OF LIFE. ALTERNATIVELY, YOU MAY KEEP THE BODY ALIVE BY BINDING YOUR SOUL TO THAT OF NABERIOUS, THE GRINNING HOUND, WHO WILL KEEP THE BODY FROM DEGRADING IN RETURN FOR SIMPLY SHARING THE RIDE WITH YOU.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

I have a fellow team mate who takes an antagonistic position to everything I do. I have raped his mind, turning him into a shell of a man on multiple occasions, but he keeps recovering with a vigor, though I now have him convinced I will enact any threats I make.

How can I make the mind rape stick? Alternatively, what further action should I take?

I wait eagerly for your response:
Farming and Fruitless

>>13008546
DEAR ANONYMOUS,

SIMPLY RAPE THEIR BRAINS UNTIL THEY BECOME INSENSATE, DROOLING SERVILES.

YOURS,
ABBY

>>13008356
DEAR HEAVY SLEEPER,

MY MEMORIES INDICATE THAT YOU ARE A DISTANT COUSIN OF MINE TRAPPED BY THE CHANGING OF ECOSYSTEMS WHILE ASLEEP. A TEAM OF SKUM HAS BEEN DISPATCHED TO RETURN YOU TO THE SEA.

YOUR FOND COUSIN,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

I want to serve you however I can. Shit sucks. Gods demand shit like chastity or 'thou shalt not steal, thou shalt not murder' and whatnot. I don't roll wit dat. How can I fuck shit up in your name, just for the hell of it? Be specific.

Chaotically,

lolrandumb

Dear Abby,

I have been sealed in a crystalline prison for the last six thousand years, warded by successive generations of human wizards so as to prevent my return to the world of Man and the ensuing cataclysm. Unfortunately, being stuck in here so long means I have a really bothersome itch somewhere behind my rear left ventral carapace, I think near by sixtieth mouth. Do you know of any good ways to scratch an itch in a hard-to-reach place?

Also, ways to pass centuries would be nice. Challenging astral spirits to games of six-dimension hyperchess gets tiring.

Sincerely,
That Which Watches From Beyond The Shimmering Veil
Or you can call me Kate.

Dear͘ ҉Ab͜b̨y̷,͞
̶ ̕
͜I͟ h̡a̶ve̢ r̛ęc͘ent҉l̢y̡ come͘ ́t̢o̵ know ͠of̀ t̡h͟e͜ blo̵od of̶ be̡in̢g͢s̵ fr̨o̢m beyǫn̕d ͟t̨hi̛s re̡a҉lm͞ ̕f̨lo͘ws i͘n̡ m̀y̴ ̕vien̛s.͠ ͠Ob͟v̢iou͞sly͘ I̶ ̧wi̢s̵h ́to ̡joi̶n my a͝n҉c͠es͞t͝ǫrs in ̸a h͏ig͠her̵ ͘st̕ate̸ òf̨ e̵xi͢stan̢c̡e̸.̢ To͘ ̢d̴o ͡th҉i͟s ̶I͘ h̵a͞ve ͝b͏rou̢ght thįs ͜powe̕r ̀t͡o ̀a foŗe̶ ́in mȩ, ͏a̵nd͝ ̶beg͠ųǹ ̴my ̧ph̴y̸s͟ical ͝tra͡s͝ǹfórmat̵i͢òn҉ ̀a͠s I tran̢sm͢u͟te ͢my̨śelf. I͝ ̀háve͝ ̡a͜l̵s̵o ̶táken̷ to ̵gr͝af͡t́i̕ng an͟d ͝mold͝in̸g̶ my͢ for͝m͞. Ho҉we͞v̷e̷r̴,͟ I s͢ìm͡p̀ly ͡cannot see̢m t̸o͘ ma̸ke͜ ̕t͜h̡e ̧sw̸i͠t͝c̢h t̨o͡ ́a̴ ͏h͜ig̨h͢e̴r ́st͟a̢te of ͘mind.̕ ̷It̴'s͞ l̶ike ̷i'm ͟o̸n t͡h̴ȩ ̨e̛dge ͝of a ͜cl̛i҉f́f́,̸ but a f̀e͜n͏ce ̨is k̸e҉e̷p̴in̵g m̸y̛ fr͏om ̀p̕lu͏ngiņg͏ ͢o͘ve͟r̨.̧ W̧hat ̕shou̴ld͘ ͢I ̵d̕o̷?̴
͡
̷Si͢ņc̕e̶r͢ly,̴
͜Frųs͜t̛r͏a̢te̷d̴ ̡F҉lȩs̀h͟w̵arp̢er̀

>>13008600
DEAR FARMING AND FRUITLESS,

THIS IS INDEED A PROBLEM. SOME HEROIC MORTALS ARE OF STRONG ENOUGH WILL TO RESIST THE COMPULSION OF THEIR BETTERS. HOWEVER, THIS CAN BE CIRCUMVENTED BY CAREFUL RITUAL. FIRST YOU MUST RAPE HIS MIND INTO SUBMISSION AS YOU HAVE BEEN DOING BEFORE. NEXT, YOU MUST SET UP A CONTINGENCY SET TO ACTIVATE WHENEVER HE BREAKS FREE FROM THE COMPULSION. IF YOU ARE CAREFUL TO RENEW THE ENCHANTMENT WHENEVER HE SHOULD BREAK FREE, HE WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING BUT YOUR UNWILLING SLAVE.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13008616
He comes...

>>13008610
DEAR LOLRANDUMB,

YOU DO NOT SEEK MY DOMINANCE. I ADVISE THAT YOU LOOK TO THE CHURCH OF ERYTHNUL, GOD OF SLAUGHTER. HE CAN AID YOU BETTER THAN I.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13008614
DEAREST KATE,

I AM SORRY TO HEAR OF YOUR PREDICAMENT. I HAD HOPED THAT AFTER THE FIRST TIME OF BEING IMPRISONED IN A CRYSTAL YOU WOULD HAVE AVOIDED THE SAME AGAIN. TO PASS THE TIME, I SUGGEST PSYCHICALLY MANIPULATING THE DREAMS OF THE WEAK-WILLED BEINGS THAT SERVE THE WIZARDS. CAREFULLY CHANGE THEIR DREAMS SO THAT NOTHING SEEMS AMISS AT FIRST, BUT MEDDLE MORE AND MORE SO AS TO DEEPEN THEIR MADNESS. FINALLY, DRIVE THEM INTO AN ECSTASY OF VIOLENCE, SLAUGHTERING THE WIZARDS WHILE ASLEEP, FREEING YOU FROM YOUR AGE-OLD PRISON AND USHERING FORTH A NEW REIGN OF DARKNESS. TO ALLEVIATE THE ITCH, YOUR NORTH-BACK-PURPLE TENTACLE CAN SCRATCH THAT LOCATION IF YOU REALLY, REALLY STRETCH.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

I woke up today to discover that a small community of tiny monkey-things-- 'humans,' I think they're called-- had erected a city upon my back while I was sleeping! That's terribly rude of them. And I daresay their mages are actually tapping into my blood to fuel their nightmare engines! It's so bad I barely have the energy to get up and topple their ill-conceived settlement.

Do you happen to be aware of any remaining impossibly ancient humanoid species with a primal link to the ancient forgotten ones that I might be able to draw here to cast down the meatlings' bothersome endeavor? Manual searching is taking far too much energy.

Much obliged,
Jexmiriale

Dear Abby

I have many limes, so many that I can't hold them.

How do I how all these limes?

Yours sincerely,
Tripping on Limes

>>13008616

DEAR FRUSTRATED FLESHWARPER,

YOUR TIME OF ATTENDANCE IS UPON YOU. YOU STAND AT THE GATE, KEY IN HAND. THE ONLY THING KEEPING YOU FROM ENLIGHTENMENT IS YOUR FEAR, YOUR MORTALITY. CAST THOSE ASIDE AND EVOLVE. YOU ARE BETTER THAN YOUR ORIGINS, AND YOU MUST DISCARD ALL HUMANITY, ALL NOTIONS OF TRUTH, ALL JUSTICE. NEW TRUTHS WILL BE REVEALED. THIS IS A FRIGHTENING TIME, BUT YOU MUST CAST ASIDE DOUBT, FOR THE ONLY THING STANDING IN THE WAY OF YOUR TRANSFORMATION IS YOU YOURSELF.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

SWEET ILSENSINE OUR ELDER BRAIN JUST DIED. Some asshole adventurers came in, killed the ulitharids, and then BLEW UP the elder brain! What the fuck do I do!

- Panicked in the Underdark

>>13008693
DEAR JEXMIRIALE,

THE SILTHILAR MAY BE ABLE TO AID YOU IN YOUR ENDEAVORS. ALTHOUGH THEY ARE POSSESSED OF A PAINFUL ATTACHMENT TO THE HUMANOID RACES, IF YOU CONVINCE THEM OF YOUR PAIN AND PLIGHT THEY MAY BE MOVED TO AID YOU OUT OF A MISPLACED SENSE OF SYMPATHY. I WOULD TRY CONTACTING THEM FIRST.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13008697
DEAR TRIPPING ON LIMES,

YOUR QUESTION IS FOOLISH AND IRRELEVANT. I HAVE DISPATCHED A TEAM OF SCUM TO YOUR LOCATION, WHEREUPON THEY WILL DRAG YOU KICKING AND SCREAMING INTO THE DEPTHS SO THAT I MAY CONSUME YOUR LIME-SEASONED CORPSE.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

I am a champion of justice, who has recently broken up a cult of evil. A band of illithids who were capturing surface dwellers for their nefarious purposes. I killed their elder brain, but don't know where to go from here. My sorcerer companion, a long time reader, suggested I ask you for help. What do I do from here?

First time reader, First time writing,
Noblebright in Underdark

Dear Abby,

I won't lie to you, this one may be a doozy. I am a pusfilled protoplasmic mass which weighs dozens if not hundreds of tons. And I have a double whammy for you.

I... I have such problems with HYGIENE. I mean, I pretty much eternally smell like C'Thulhu's ballsack. I constantly drip with shit that shouldn't be. I try to scrub, and scrub, and scrub, rubbing against whatever I can, but I just spread the filth and absorb the world mindlessly! The stink sticks too hard!

And worse, I have so many damned eyes... The filth gets into them.

ALL OF THEM. It stings, it stinks, it's unimaginably uncomfortable. Picture a common hominid's allergies, then magnify that a thousandfold, and then magnify THAT by a hundred thousandfold!

How can I solve my hygiene problem?

Sincerely,

The Slimy Shoggoth

>>13008728

DEAR PANICKED IN THE UNDERDARK,

ALTHOUGH I MOCK YOUR WEAKNESS IN THE FACE OF THE SURFACE-WORLDERS, I AM NOT UNSYMPATHETIC TO YOUR PLIGHT. YOU MUST TAKE ALL YOUR SLAVES AND MAKE A TREK TO THE NEAREST ILLITHID COMMUNITY AND PETITION THE ELDER-BRAIN THERE FOR A BUD. THEN, THE BEST AND THE BRIGHTEST OF YOUR KIND LEFT MUST SACRIFICE THEMSELVES AND MERGE WITH THE BUD EARLY, SUBMERGING IT IN A POOL OF WATER AND FEEDING IT OTHER, LESSER MINDS. IT WILL BE WEAK INITIALLY, BUT YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO SURVIVE AND PROSPER, ALBEIT IN A DIMINISHED STATE.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13008752
DEAR NOBLEBRIGHT IN THE UNDERDARK,

YOU MUST PREVENT THE ILLITHIDS FROM ENACTING A DREAD RITUAL TO CREATE A NEW ELDER BRAIN. YOU MUST FOLLOW THEIR ENTOURAGE AND SLAY THEM ALL, LEST THEIR EVIL CONTINUE CHALLENGING ABOLETH DOMINANCE.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13008769
DEAR THE SLIMY SHOGGOTH,

AS AN AMPHIBIOUS CREATURE, I SUSPECT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME ON DRY LAND, HMM? YOU REALLY NEED TO SUBMERSE YOURSELF IN SALT WATER PERIODICALLY TO KEEP YOURSELF HEALTHY.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

My husband keeps ramming my son into my spine, sheathing him in a metal tube so he can control me. The worst part is that he's painted me this particularly unflattering purple and green colour scheme. Honestly! What can I do to make hi mrepaint me and stop with the spine shoving?

Lots of love,
Trapped in Tokyo.

Dear Abby,

I think I have a problem. I am, as you might guess, one of the Tsochari, the wearers of flesh, and for a long time I've been busying myself manipulating human nations for the fun of it. However, when the host I was wearing was murdered by a drow assassin, I claimed her body, and...

I'm addicted to wearing female drow. This is terrible, as I'm neglecting my surface machinations as a result! I need help!

Sincerely,
Bemused in 'berranzen

>>13008801
>>13008778

I see what you did there.

>>13008812
DEAR TRAPPED IN TOKYO,

INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS, BRAIN-RAPE, ET CETERA. ALTERNATIVELY, USE YOUR AT FIELD TO WREAK UNTOLD HAVOC UPON THE CITY IN AN APOCALYPTIC RAMPAGE SOMEHOW ENDING IN ORANGE GOO. OR SOMETHING.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13008824
DEAR BEMUSED IN 'BERRANZEN,

THERE IS NO SHAME IN ADMITTING A MINOR PERSONAL FOIBLE. HOWEVER, YOU CAN TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR ADDICTION AND PUT IT TO POSITIVE USE BY ORCHESTRATING THE DOWNFALL OF THE DROW RACE FROM WITHIN THE BODIES OF FEMALE DROW, THE MATRIARCHAL RULERS OF THE UNDERDARK. YOU CAN MIX YOUR HOBBY AND YOUR JOB, YOU KNOW.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>>13008812
Dear Trapped in Tokyo,

I suggest you try squeezing him until his head pops off. Or maybe biting his head off.

Sincerely,
REDACTED

Dear Abby,

I finally found the font of Azarakka - but all there was was a note from some bastard called Elminster, saying that my font was in another core! Where is my font? Where's my font of knowledge and power? Alternitavely, where's Elminster, so I can eat him, and how would you suggest going about this?

Sincerely,
Purple Rain

Dear Abby,

I feel fantastic, and I never felt as good as how I do right now.

It's oddly unsettling. I never feel this good, but even that knowledge does nothing to lessen my mood. Should I be worried? And is there anything I should do, or watch out for?

Feeling Great and Full of energy,
The Dark Lord of Undeath and Pain

>>13008889
i c whut u deed thar

>>13008915

DEAR PURPLE RAIN,

AS MUCH AS I HATE TO ADMIT THIS, YOU MAY WANT TO BACK DOWN FROM THIS PARTICULAR FIGHT. ACCORDING TO MY POWERS OF BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL, ELMINSTER IS A HIGHER CLASS OF BEING KNOWN AS AN "AUTHOR AVATAR", MEANING THAT HE DIRECTLY SERVES AS AN EXTENSION OF THE TRUE DEMIURGE. YOU MAY WISH TO FOLLOW HIS ADVISE AND SEEK YOUR FONT IN ANOTHER CORE.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

Dear Abby,

I'm embarassed, but, I really need some help. I'm a damsel in distress. The thing is, I'm ADDICTED to the persona. I'll hike up to dragon's lairs, take trips into enemy and neutral territory, letting my guard down and being kidnapped, or laying, splayed out, in full view of the lecherous, villainous baron. All to get the hero to come to my rescue!

But I can't keep doing this, I. Sometimes- most of the time now- the hero doesn't come. And then I get raped by a fat, greasy nobleman with no buisiness being... With me. Or tied to a stake and ransomed off, either by a giant monster or another nation, for exhorbiant amounts of money. This is causing real problems in my life. Please, help me out.

Sincerely,

A Damsel Who is Distressed

>>13008950

DEAR THE DARK LORD OF UNDEATH AND PAIN,

YOUR VILE AND TWISTED MAGIC HAS PROBABLY RIPPED OPEN A PLANAR BREACH BETWEEN THE PRIME MATERIAL AND THE NEGATIVE ENERGY PLANE, ACCOUNTING FOR YOUR OTHERWISE UNACCOUNTABLE GOOD MOOD. JUST SIT BACK AND ENJOY.

YOURS SINCERELY,
ABBY

>Abby
And now I can't help but picture this as Abaddon replying to the letters in between failed attacks.

TO ALL MY FAITHFUL READERS/MINDSLAVES,

AS MUCH AS I WISH I COULD RESPOND TO YOUR QUESTIONS AND SUBTLETY MANIPULATE YOUR ACTIONS FOR MY OWN PERSONAL GAIN FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY, EVEN A DREAD ELDER BEING MUST REST OCCASIONALLY. THIS FACET OF MY PERSONA WILL NOW SLUMBER, BUT ANOTHER FACET MAY, SHOULD IT CHOOSE, RESUME RESPONDING TO QUERIES PUT FORTH.

WITH LOVE,
ABBY

>>13008989
Dear Abbadon,

I keep getting pursued by people telling me to accept Roboute Gulliman as my spiritual liege. Before that, It was "YOU WILL BE RETCONNED." whatever that means. Before that, "DIE FOR THE EMPEROR.". Why is everyone trying to kill me? HOw can I find refuge? What the hell is retconning? At least their psykers can't find me. Fuck only knows why.

Sincerely,
Senseitive Soul

Dear Abby,

Its getting harder and harder to fight the Giants plaguing the land. I fear a dark enchanter has cursed me. I feel my body hurt with the pangs of old age, and his illusions tear at me so. It's getting so hard to continue the fight, I need someone to give me strength. I have an aide, but he is out of shape and not fit to fight. I can only image if I had a maiden to fight for, I could persevere. How can I find such a sweet sovereign for my longing heart? Alternatively, how can I find the will to fight, though my arms are too weary?

Also, why can no one else see the monstrosities that surround them? They all seem to be under a veil. Please give me a way to break it.

Running where the brave dare not go,
Knight of the Woeful Countenance

>>13008989
That's a concept for another time. But this is about an Aboleth. A giant eel fish lobster monster with psychic powers, roughly equivalent to a Starchild, if not a Great Old One in some more exceptional cases.

Dear God-Emperor,

How does I burned heretics?

DEAR SENSEITIVE SOUL

I SUGGEST YOU STOP WORRYING ABOUT SUCH TRIVIAL MATTERS AND TAKE A CALM, RELAXING SWIM IN THE NEAREST INKY ABYSS.

ABBY

Dear Abby,
As of recently I have been having trouble convincing others to worship me, even my 'holy' aspect as a cleansing god of the sun is not attracting humans and other mortals into my vile cults and religious sects. I have begun thinking of devoting myself to an Elder God, and, as a long time reader of yours, come to you for help in selecting the proper one for servitude, that I can bring my manifold followers to the truth of the world.
Can you help me?
Yours sincerely,
Pelor, the Burning Hate

AS MY FINAL CONTRIBUTION TO THIS THREAD THIS EVENING, I PRESENT YOU A PICTURE OF MY COUSIN. HE WAS ALWAYS AN ECCENTRIC ONE. AGAIN, SOME OTHER MAY COME AND ANSWER QUESTIONS, BUT IT WILL NOT BE I. PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO STEP INTO THE GAP.

AND ALSO VOTE THE THREAD UP.

I actually had a lot of fun writing these up, but I really can't go on. Anyone who wants to give it a whirl should really feel free to do so.

Dear Abby,

I am a horrible non-entity from the space beyond space.

How do humans keep managing to stop me from eating there delicious sanity?

Yours sincerely,
Not-Cthulhu

>>13009017
Dear Senseitive Soul,

Your best option is to turn to the welcoming & protective arms of Chaos. They'll be there when you need them most.

Sincerely,
Abby the Despoiler

>>13009115
Dear Not-Cthulhu,

Perhaps you suffer from a disorder commonly known as Narcolepsy? You should probably see a physician about that. At the very least you will probably want to drink a few of those handy 5-Hour Energy drinks.

Best of wishes,
Abby

>>13009074

DEAR PELOR THE BURNING HATE

YOU ARE FOOLISH TO RELY ON SUCH LESSER BEINGS FOR POWER. RAPE THEIR BRAINS UNTIL THEY BECOME INSENSATE, DROOLING SERVILES. IF YOU MUST ATTRACT NEW MEMBERS, I WOULD SUGGEST OBTAINING SEVERAL GNOME BARDS AND TASKING THEM TO PERFORM “THE KING IN YELLOW” ALL ACROSS YOUR CURRENT TIME-REALITY. AFTER YOU ARE DONE WITH THE BARDS, PLEASE HURL THEM INTO THE NEAREST INKY ABYSS.

ABBY

DEAR ABBY

I AM REMODELING MY OWN INKY ABYSS.

WHERE CAN ONE ACQUIRE MORE DROOLING SERVILES TO USE AS BUILDING MATERIAL?

YOURS,
A-FIXER-UPPER

>>13009034

>Dear Abby,

>Its getting harder and harder to fight the Giants plaguing the land. I fear a dark enchanter has cursed me. I feel my body hurt with the pangs of old age, and his illusions tear at me so. It's getting so hard to continue the fight, I need someone to give me strength. I have an aide, but he is out of shape and not fit to fight. I can only image if I had a maiden to fight for, I could persevere. How can I find such a sweet sovereign for my longing heart? Alternatively, how can I find the will to fight, though my arms are too weary?

>Also, why can no one else see the monstrosities that surround them? They all seem to be under a veil. Please give me a way to break it.

>Running where the brave dare not go,
>Knight of the Woeful Countenance

>>13009115

DEAR NOT-CTHULHU

PERHAPS YOU SHOULD JOIN WITH PELOR THE BURNING HATE.

ABBY

>>13009209

DEAR A-FIXER-UPPER

I SUGGEST LURKING IN THE MURKY SHADOWS OF YOUR LOCAL DUNGEON WITH SEVERAL SHINY OBJECTS NEAR BY. ADVENTURES ARE QUICK TO ASSUME PERFECTLY CLEAR WATER HOLDS AN ABOLETH, AS SEEN ON PAGE 8 OF THE “MONSTER MANUAL”. I WOULD ALSO SUGGEST READING “LORDS OF MADNESS”, A PITIFUL ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND OUR UNFATHOMABLE NATURE, BUT IT POSESS THE SUM OF THEIR UN-KNOWLEDGE ON THE ABOLETH. USE THEIR OWN KNOWLEDGE AGAINST THEM.

GOOD LUCK ON THE REMODELING.

ABBY

>>13009254


DEAR KNIGHT OF THE WOEFUL COUNTENANCE

THE GIRL FROM >>13003190 VOCALIZES HER DESIRE TO BECOME YOUR MAIDEN. PLEASE HURL YOURSELF INTO THE NEAREST INKY ABYSS WHERE SHE AWAITS.

FURTHERMORE, THE FEELINGS AND ILLUSIONS ARE A NORMAL SIDE EFFECT OF EXISTING IN ONLY A HANDFUL OF DIMENSIONS. DO NOT FIGHT THEM AND ALLOW THEM FOR RUN THEIR COURSE. IF YOUR SKIN SLOWLY BECOMES TRANSPARENT AND SLIMY, THAT IS ALSO NORMAL.

ABBY

Dear Abby,

I'm a troll. Now, y'see, I have this thing about bridges. And robbing people. Usually, I rob people, on bridges. It's pretty crippling that I'm reserved to livin' under a bridge, just ot adhere to this damn stereotype, and having to rob people to make a living, is just undignified. Help me out with these CRIPPLIN' personality flaws, Abby. I don't want to hurt noone no more. And I'd like to have a roof over my head. One that isn't a BRIDGE.

Sincerely,

A troll who don't want to troll

DEAR ABBY

HELLO GRAND-PROGENITOR. I HAVE VENTURED TO A PLACE CALLED GOLARION AND I HAVE MADE HUMANS HERE. HOWEVER THE SILLY SCAMPS HAVE GOTTEN UNRULY SO I HAVE DECIDED TO DROP A METEOR ON THEM.

IS THIS A BAD IDEA?

YOUR GRAND-SPAWN,
ZIMMY

PS. ARE YOU STILL COMING TO MY BI-MILLENIAL PARTY? MY PROGENITOR WANTS TO KNOW HOW MANY SLAVES TO BRING.

No Dear Ashleys? I used to think they were funny back when I was a whee little lass.

>>13009547

DEAR A TROLL WHO DON’T WANT TO TROLL

I WOULD SUGGEST SOUL SEARCHING AND DECIDING WHAT YOU WISH TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE.

IN THE MEAN TIME, ALTERNATIVE HOUSING CAN BE FOUND IN YOUR LOCAL INKY ABYSS. HURL YOURSELF IN AND A REPRESENTATIVE WILL BE WITH YOU SHORTLY.

ABBY

PS: AVOID BILLY GOATS AT ALL COSTS.

Dear Abby,

I accidentally a whole time and didn't afraid of anything. Can you really be far even as decided half as much to use go wish for that? What is this I don’t even puddi.

averpla gleason,
Far Realming Dennis

DEAR ZIMMY

THEY ARE LESSER BEINGS, FIT ONLY TO BECOME INSENSATE, DROOLING SERVILES. IF YOU WISH TO DROP LARGE FRAGMENTS OF DEAD, FORGOTEN WORLDS ON THEIR HEADS, YOU MAY.

I WOULD HOWEVER SUGGEST A METHOD THAT DOES NOT DESTROY THE BRAIN AS MEMORIES ARE, ACCORDING TO MY PROGENTOR, BOTH “THE PIÈCE DE RÉSISTANCE AND THE CORNERSTONE OF ANY WELL BALANCED MEAL.” PERHAPS SOME FORM OF LOCALIZED FLASH FREEZE. THIS WOULD SERVE A DUAL PURPOSE IN BOTH PERSERVING THE BRAIN AND ALLOWING FOR ITS USE IN VARIOUS FROZEN TREATS. I MUST SEND YOU THAT RECIPE FOR HUMAN BRAIN SORBET, I HAVE BEEN TOLD IT IS TO UN-EXIST FOR.

ABBY

PS: I STILL HAVE THE BI-MILLENIAL ON MY CALENDAR. I WAS THINKING OF BRINGING A GNOME AND ELF QUICHE, IS THAT ALRIGHT?

Dear Abby,

Got a problem. I'm a decent, underpaid, hardworking county coroner. It's
important that my family eat meat at least three times a week. But we just can't
afford to with the prices the way they are. So I bring home some choice cuts from my
autopsy subjects. Just mix in the Tuna Helper:and ta-da!

The whole family thinks my new meals are delicious. They ask me what's
my secret. Abby, I think they're getting suspicious. My smart-ass 8-year-old keeps
asking, "Where's all the meat? The red dye #2 kind that's kept in the fridge."

If they find out the truth I don't think they'll understand. Abby, what do I tell
my family?

Dear Abby,

There is a man who is profoundly pro-skub and another man who is profoundly anti-skub in my village. Both wish for me to join them in their views, but I thought that I should check in with you because of your superior intellect. Who should I listen to?

sincerely,
Confused on Skub

>>13009789

DEAR FAR REALMING DENNIS

NO ON FLURMUDDGEON AND YES ON KEHUJJLA. OTHER THAN THAT, IT IS A HALF-UN-MAYBE.

ABBY

Dear Abby,

Inky Abyss is hard to pluralize, but more importantly, they do horrors with my skin.

What do I do? And I know what you're going to say, but I really like my skin, It's a very good vintage, and they just don't make them like this anymore

Yours truly,
Crawling in my skin

>>13009844

DEAR KREETN

I BELIEVE ITS TIME YOU TOOK YOUR FAMILY TO YOUR LOCAL, FAMILY FRIENDLY, INKY ABYSS. AFTER A REFRESHING SWIM AND SUBSEQUENT TRANSFORMATION INTO AN INSENSATE, DROOLING SERVILE, ALL OF YOUR PATHETIC HUMAN PROBLEMS WILL BE SOLVED.

ABBY

>>13009864

DEAR CONFUSED ON SKUB

IT IS AS PLANNED.

ABBY

>>13009947

DEAR CRAWLING IN MY SKIN

TRY TAKING YOU SKIN OFF BEFORE ENTERING AN INKY ABYSS.

ABBY

>>13010025

ABBY WOULD LIKE IT KNOWN THAT YOU SHOULD BE YOUR. THE SKUM TASKED WITH TYPING THAT FLAWED RESPONSE WAS PROMPTLY DEVOURED.

I hope this thread is archived...

TO ALL MY FAITHFUL READERS/MINDSLAVES,

THIS FACET OF MY PERSONA NEEDS TO FOCUS ON OTHER MATTERS. ANOTHER FACET MAY, SHOULD IT CHOOSE, RESUME RESPONDING TO QUERIES PUT FORTH, JUST LIKE PREVIOUS.

IF NONE APPEAR, DO NOT BE DISTRESSED. AT SOME OTHER POINT IN THIS TIME-CYCLE I, OR ANOTHER FACET, WILL RETURN.

ABBY

>>13010096

DEAR BEST THREAD

IT MAY BE FOUND AT: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/12995878/

TELL YOUR FRIENDS/SPAWNLINGS/PROGENITORS.

ABBY

HEEELLOOOOO, MIIINDSLAAAAVES.

This is Radio Free Aboleth. And we're here, for YOU.

Taking calls from anyone and everyone! Calls which will NOT be used for the express purpose of uplinking into your minds and turning you into drooling serviles!

Phones are open, start callin' in... NOW, serviles!

No, really. The phones are open, serviles. Start calling in.

N̺͔͋͒ͯͯ̅Oͥ͠͏̡̦̺̩W̵͈͖͔̘̔͐͜͞ͅ

>>13010203
DO FREEBIRD

>ICHI mchies
Wat

Hello Radio Free? This is a Concerned Citizen.

I have a question. Is Captcha an Aboleth plot? If looks like one.

>>13010299
Son, I am going to mindrape you so badly you'll see stars. Dead stars. Eaten by stargods. This is a SELF-HELP RADIO STATION, SERVILE.

On top of that, I don't do musical requests. Especially not the kind that involve 'free birds.' No bird should be free in my domain.

Now then. C'mon, serviles, I know you got problems to solve.

>>13010323
Of course not! I think you need another fresh visit to Mr. Mindrape and his Murky Pool of Wonders. Ha. Captcha, an Aboleth plot? How silly.

Now stop making a mockery out of my self help station, and get back to work.

... Wait. We're both part of one Aboleth's personality. Which means we're arguing with ourselves. Which means we're crazy.

Disregard that, servile listeners.

THE SKUM WHO RUINED MY PLOT AGAINST MYSELF HAS BEEN DEVOURED.

ONE DAY I MUST LEARN HOW TO TYPE WITH MY APPENDAGES.

I believe Abby is dead for now. Perhaps we should let the topic slip into the sweet night, rather than temporarily namefagging it up while noone actually gets back into the chit?

Hello RFA! This is A-Enthralled-Gourmand.

Is it true that Aboleths taste like well seasoned Halibut? And furthermore, will their memories merge with an Elder Brain?

>>13010333
DOOOOOO EEEEEEEEEET
I'VE GOT A BINGO CARD HERE WITH AN UNMARKED BOX THAT SAYS 'GET AN ELDRITCH ABOMINATION TO SING FREEBIRD' AND A TEN DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFICATE PRIZE
C'MON PLEEEEEEEASE

>>13010432
No, it isn't true, and yes. Maybe. Stop asking questions and jump in the murky pool.

>>13010457
I already said no. Unless you have a question or a problem in your life, stop tying up the lines.

There is only one possible voice for Dear Abby.

VILE, INSIGNIFICANT INSECTS, ABBY WILL ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS...IF YOU DARE TO TROUBLE THE ANCIENT STAR-SPAWN WITH THE PETTY THOUGHT-SCRATCHING THAT YOU CALL 'MINDS'.