Hassan sell camel cheap for you! This camel, he only driven by little old lady on weekends, very dependable like, he great match to you!

The Crazy Hassan family has run for generations. I fully intend to buy geneticly enhanced desert grox from Crazy Hassanius in my next DH session.

intro to this video

http://videos.onsmash.com/v/jlhGKL2CkJf5w3D7

You can always find Crazy Hassan at Crazy Hassan's Used Camel Emporium. Just look for the CRAAAAAAAZY Camel Sign!

>>9575234
"For you? I make special price!"

>>9575234
Oh fuck yeah we got drawfagotry?

Crazy Hassan refuses to use Wacky waving inflatable armed tube men at his camel lot because they remind him of a man who once choked his sister. true story.

CRAAAAAAAAAAZY bump

>>9575234
Glorious

I once went to Crazy Hassan to buy Beast of burden for the snowy treacherous journey ahead. I suggested possibly an alpacca would be best considering the weather.

I somehow walked away with a Camel in an oversized jacket and a box of dried dates he threw in.

I once went to crazy Hassan's...

I was satisfied by the customer service.

There is a Crazy Hassan's in the Elemental Chaos.

I bought a slighty used Blazing Rorn, the Fury from him there.

what a guy.

The desert nomads whisper that Crazy Hassan has read from the pages of the dread Necronomicon, and that his camels are not what they seem.

... so crazy hassan is the mad arab monk from the al azif? holy shit this is so gonna get spun into a game plot.

>>9576066

No. Who gave you that idea? He's just an ordinary used camel salesman, and is in no way supernatural whatsoever.

COME TO CRAZY HASSAN'S USED CAMEL EMPORIUM FOR ALL YOUR USED CAMEL NEEDS!

YOU NEED TRANSPORTATION? BUY BARELY USED CAMEL FROM CRAZY HASSANS! TWICE THE ENDURANCE OF HORSE, DRINKS ONE THIRD OF WATER, AND WILL BITE THIEVES!

ONCE AGAIN, COME TO CRAZY HASSAN'S USED CAMEL EMPORIUM, LOCATED OFF THE TRADER'S BAZAAR IN DOWNTOWN BAGHDAD! LOOK FOR THE CRAAAAAAAAAZY CAMEL SIGN!

>>9575786

They are even better?

>>9576146
More like used Byakhee emporium, am I right?

There was a bandit group, who used herds of camels strapped with explosives to cause massive terror in one of the towns isolated in the deep desert.

The town was built around the only well for miles, so the camels would be drawn to the water. Every time a man came too close to a camel to remove the explosive powder or guide the camel away, the bandits would fire a flaming arrow into the powder, killing the camel and however was foolish enough to be so close.

Hassan, traveling through on his way to the northern markets of a country far away, saw this madness.

No one is certain how one man dealt with so many in one night, but the bandits were found the next day, their bodies arranged to depict a huge camel in the sand. For all the dead camels he could scavenge, he buried them around the dead bandits, and marked their place with a small obelisk of pure marble, with only the word "Peace" written on them. All the other camels that had survived, he led into the desert. I have heard since that he found them loving homes and included the explosive powder with them as a free option.

The graves seemed more randomly placed, until Hakim yelled from the top of his house the next day. The stones, when properly connected by lines in the sand, formed words I will never forget:

"Crazy Hassan Here,

Good Camel Prices"

>>9575234
"I agree on your price, esteemed customer. You arerobbingmebadly, and I amthankingyou."

>>9576257
The word for peace would be "Salaam", I believe.

>>9576257
>"Crazy Hassan Here,
>Good Camel Prices"

>>9576257

I have never met this Crazy Hassan, but I have met a son of his: Crazed Nassah. He's actually pretty normal. He sells perfectly normal camels, slightly used, but not too much.

>>9576257
Oh god man this deserves a slow clap.

>>9576420
But... Slow Claps are traditionally used to mock people <_<

>>9576257
Don't fuck with the camels.

I will use this as a rumor floating around in my next game, I don't care what setting or even if it's at all related, but I swear it will be used.

>>9576491
nonono like the good kind. you know the kind where one dude starts clapping slowly and then the rest of the people start in one at a time.

>>9576491
Only when sarcastically. When used unironically, slow claps are pic related.

Amen, I say to you, I saw Crazy Hassan once. When I was a younger man, so many years ago he came to our village walking at the head of his camels. He set about to his works and raised his storefront just outside the village center and began to sell his wares.

For every camel he sold, he would give another as thanks to the customer. This caused quite a stir among the people and soon the entire town gathered around him, hoping for such a good deal. As it went, he handed off his last camel, but he looked dismayed to see me standing alone and camel-less.

He called out to me, "My good friend! A thousand apologies! If you would but give me six days to return to the city and back, I shall return with a camel for you, at great discount!"

I graciously bowed to him, "Good sir, I am but a poor man, I can neither afford nor desire a camel. I would never be able to care for it with what little money I have, I come instead with questions if you could offer me answers?"

He seemed confused for a moment, before bidding me to go on.

"Why did you walk, rather than ride a camel across the desert?" I asked

"To do so would use the camel more, and cheat my customers! I would never hurt their deal!"

"Why do you give so many away, when they could have as easily been sold?"

"Because I am crazy! Ha, ha! Just still, I would never deny my customers a good deal!"

"Why would you walk the a six day journey to the nearest city and return to sell just one camel to one poor man?"

"Because you are my customer. It matters not if you have bought from me, everyone is Crazy Hassan's customer!"

I bowed to him and thanked him for humoring my questions, I wished him luck on his future journeys and said I would pray for his continued happiness before I left him, the first and last time I would ever see him.

>>9576910

Three days later, I awoke to a great sound outside my small home. I walked out the front door and looked upon more camels than I had ever seen, all in a great pen with a note on the gate post. It read:

"To my good friend,

For all the money I could ever make selling camels, I would trade for your kindness again. For though Crazy Hassan has crazy prices, he knows the true value of things. I humbly offer these camels to you as thanks.

Hassan"

"And that my, young grand children is how I became the owner of the largest camel heard in all the desert. I have lived my life doing to others as I thought Hassan would like, treating others as a favored customer always. Never forget this man, I beg you, for he was a man like no other."

I love how /tg/ creates its characters. Bless you NerdMind.

>>9576923
>>9576910

I like this.

>>9576923
>>9576910

>>9576491

that's a golf clap.

a slow clap is the cautiously optimistic clap that signals a standing ovation to begin.

I saw the original Hussan post but didn't stay around. I didn't realise it had become full blown /tg/ canon over night.

>>9576910
>>9576923

That's a good story, well told, with an air of the legendary about it.

>>9576923
>>9576910

In the fleshmarkets, in the chambers of eunuchs, in the whorehouses and servants quarters and into the ears of the richest of noblemen it was whispered. The tale of the most black hearted slavemaster ever to walk the sands. It was said he was born without a soul and collected men to sell to the devil himself in return for one. It was said when his sons defied him, they were sold as eunuchs to the most twisted masters. It was said that when his daughters refused him, they were sold as whores to the darkest brothels in the most depraved cities. Is was said he was unkillable, though his body dripped in scars and wounds.

In the churches, in the marketplace, in he bright houses and oases and into the ears of the richest of nobles it is whispered. The tale of the most pure and devout monk ever to speak the name of Our Lord. It is said he is no man, but an angel, like Gibreel, sent to instruct in the ways of the righteous. It is said no renegade son is refused his advice. It is said no wayward daughter is refused his charity. It is said he has a dark past, and his body drips with wounds and scars.

One name links these two tales: Crazy Hassan.

Some say he can sell a camel with a single word.
Some say he crossed the Sands of Death with nothing but a trio of camels and a loincloth.
Some even say he talked a jinn into trading immortality and invulnerability for a few camels.

All we know is, he's called Crazy Hassan.

>>9577193

I'm not sure if I like this. It makes Hassan too special, and at the same time robs him of his mystery. By all appearances, he is just a used camel salesman. Should he be any more?

>>9577098
I'm the poster of the first advertisement. You cannot know how indescribably happy /tg/ has made me.

>>9577259
He's just a simple camel seller.

>>9577276

no, he is a CRAAAAAAAAAZY camel seller

>>9577259
Who said either of those two men was Hassan?

>>9577270

>>9577270
Happy enough to buy many camels, right Sayyid?

>>9577259

I read it as Crazy Hassan converted the soulless slave driver into a paragon of righteousness by virtue of his crazy good deals on ungulates and ungulate accessories

>>9577259
I didn't intend for either of those men to be Hassan.

>>9577270
Did the initial thread get suptg'd?
I'd like to check out the storm that followed the initial post and made this thing a meme.

Crazy Hassan is now the name of every shopkeep in the desert ever.

>>9577313
Yeah, that's what I intended.

>>9577320
Yes. FORTY TWO FUCKING VOTES!

>>9577326

there is only one Crazy Hassan, but the way Crazy Hassan leaves an impression on all those he encounters, such as >>9576923, could be considered franchising.

>>9577329
>>9577313

Oh, I see now. That makes more sense.

>>9577362

he also has two dorfs as assistants

"Your sword is buckled correctly, for once."

"Yes, Sharif."

"Tell me boy... did you ever hear of the battle of Moab Bridge?"

"No, Sharif."

"The Great Sultan Al-Rukar fought there, for the last time in this world. You are sure you have not heard of it?"

"No, Sharif."

"In truth, Al-Rukar was killed before the battle even begun. A stray arrow caught him in the heart, and he died that very moment on the back of his camel. Do you know much about camels, boy?"

"No, Sharif."

"Al-Rukar bought his camel from a fine merchant named Hassan..."

>>9577401
...No <_<

He's one man. No assistants. Unless somebody's tried to force them in since the last time I saw Hassan.

>>9577362
I imagined him more like Cut me own throat dibbler. A purveyor of questionable wares who shows up in unlikely places. The kind of man who wouldn't let logic get in the way of a perfectly valid point. A man who would sell camels with jackets for snowy climes. The kind of man who could make you forget that what you just bought was at best, useless.

~~Static~~

-oooooooooood morning, wastelanders! You're listening to DDAM 1250, your damnation destination. If you've survived this long, you probably haven't.

We got some good news today, so turn the volume up and listen good! Word from the Wanderers is that Crazy Hassan, yes that one, is back in town, just off the Route 42 exit and, boy oh boy, does he have the stuff. Used camels at CRAAAAAAAAZY prices!

Take it from me folks, his are the best. I picked up two last time and they ain't died of radiation poisoning yet! I plan on getting two more this evening, so I'm sorry to say you'll have to make do with a loop feed for a while. No problems though, Crazy Hassan comes but once a year, as the old saying kinda goes!

So let's here a big Allah Akbar for Hassan and get a move on!

Oh, and Hassan? Keep classy, keep crazy.

~~Music Starts~~
Oh I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...

~~static~~

>>9577493
"...and even though his master was dead, the camel of Al-Rukar rode on. It led the charge upon the forces of the enemy, and everywhere a soldier faltered, or felt pressed by overwhelming odds, he had but to look behind him to see the glorious presence of his sultan, bolstering him. How could he fail now, beneath the gaze of Al-Rukar, the most mighty of kings?"

"..."

"When the opposing army finally broke, the corpse of Al-Rukar pursued them atop the back of his camel. Neither was ever seen again in this world. Are you nervous about the coming battle, Ali?"

"N-Yes, Sharif."

"Do not be. I too, purchased my camel from Crazy Hassan."

Some say that if he comes within ten metres horse, it will immediately flee from him.
Some say that his camels are hate, given camel form.
All we know, is that he's called...

>>9577533

Crazy Hassan sells camels, and camels have one thousand and one uses!

there is no situation in which a camel is inappropriate.

>>9577563
meh-tier.

Why is Crazy Hassan so awesome?
What must I do to be like Crazy Hassan?

rolled =

>>9576923
>>9576910
I have no idea why, but as I read this I teared up.

Fuck yeah, Crazy Hussan.

>>9577595
First, you have to find the meanest camel ever to walk the desert sands.

Then, you must spend years of your life easing the rage of the camel, so much so that the youngest babe might ride it without fear.

Then you must give it away to a virgin mother in need.

That is what you must do.

>>9577533
>who shows up in unlikely places

This makes me think of a DnD session where you're in the middle of a many levelled underground dungeon, slaying goblins all about. The party reaches a door and kicks it down.

Inside, Hassan has erected a stand and a number of camels mill about.

"VALUED CUSTOMERS! STEP FORWARD, MAY I INTEREST YOU IN A CAMEL? I HAVE MANY GOOD DEALS FOR ADVENTURERS SUCH AS YOURSELVES!"

But we don't NEED camels. We're underground!

UNTRUE. ALLOW CRAZY HASSAN TO TELL ONE OF HIS MANY TALES WHEREIN A CAMEL WAS OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE UNDER THE EARTH...

-Roll a will save-
-What?-
-Roll it-


-Fail-
-You buy 200 used camels-

THANK YOU, MOST GRACIOUS CUSTOMER. MAY THE ANGELS HEAP VIRTUES AT YOUR CHARITABLE FEET.

>>9577644
...I...I had no idea....

I want a camel now

but they kinda smell

>>9577675

>>9577741
CRAZY HASSAN SELLS MANY FINE CAMEL PERFUMES AT THE LOWEST OF PRICES.

You need horse! Nonesense! Crazy Hassan sell you camel! Camel is good! They don't drink for days and some of them have all four legs! They is faithful companions. Look! He spit at you, he like you!

>>9577780

CAMELS AND CAMEL ACCESSORIES?

Crazy Hassan's gonna be the go-to NPC in any of my games where the players need a quick retreat. Underground dungeon, chased by Dragon? Crazy Hassan's just waiting outside with camels! In space, pursued by Cthonic horrors? There's Crazy Hassan amd his Camel-621 starships!

I have a character like Hassan in my games. "Danny the Dwarf".

Know how higher-level characters always want Adamantine/Mithral/etc? Well, Danny was a Dwarf who specialized in finding rare and precious metal. Problem was he could never remember which was which, so he'd try to sell people gold and claim it was platinum, or adamantine which he accidentally called mithral, in what amounted to an infinite loop. Anyone who bothered to help him get his shit sorted got a steep, steep discount.

Danny was disheveled, constantly drunk and confus, and had a penchant for mining extensively in the bedrock underneath whatever city the PCs happened to be in at the time. Effectively, the moment the PCs said "we want some super-special armor!" they had condemned the nearest metropolis to a craterific sinkhole grave.

>>9577850
>starships

Nope, just camels. Regular camels. In camel-shaped spacesuits. With rocket-packs.

Crazy Hassan is now a recurring character in my games.

Crazy Hassan.

Hassan-i-Sabbah.

Coincidence? I think not.

"Nothing is true. Everything is permissible. WHEN SELLING CAMELS."

It was our good fortune to have found a native willing to talk to us, the rest had been quite difficult in the past days. I spoke through my interpreter, my only connection to the world of unexplained questions.

"What are those?" I asked, as I pointed to the statues on the hill, each eight foot tall man carved of wood, with a camel tied to each of their wastes.

The translator passed on the dialogue and returned to me the answer.

"They are the guardians of the island and have stood vigil for many years against the evils outside."

I was astounded, this would be the breakthrough of decades! I hurriedly asked, "And the camels, they are offerings?"

The translator again passed the question, but this time the older native woman seemed confused. The translator repeated and the old woman smiled and spoke. This time, the translator was confused, and she confirmed with the woman before speaking to me.

"She says, they are their property."

I was dumbstruck, "How do wooden men own camels?" I had spoke it more to myself, but my translator translated it anyway.

The old woman smiled,

"Crazy Hassan."

Enchantment!?

>>9577543
Iz dat sum Radio Free Wasteland?

Oh my god, Craaaaaaaaaaaazy Hassan works in EVERY SETTING.

someone archive this...

>>9578039
Hizan of the Blossoming Madness. A rokugani noble who threatens to break the power of the Unicorn clan with his elite Camel Battle Maidens.

Crazy Hassan a wandering Camel Salesmen and offensive stereotype. Hassan is vaguely Middle Eastern and dressed in robes, wearing a turban and fez hat. He’ll have set up his tent wherever the players have need of horses, even in other realms. Just look for the ostentatious streams of rope with colored flags.
Hassan is absolutely manic and prone to violent bursts of laughter mid sentence. His camels are reliable and sold at a discount for various reasons. Prolonged exposure to Hassan’s sales tent has been known to cause bad cases of fleas. Interestingly enough you notice that his camels are not the source.

>>9578237
Hassan may be crazier than a Malkavian Primogen, but never let it be said he does not care for his Camels.

>>9578324
>Hassan
>Malkavian
>ITALLMAKESSENSENOW.jpeg

"Let me tell you about Hassan. There was a time when I would only ride purebred Arabian Stallions. Thing change when you see a madman in the dessert doing Thriller with a herd of camels."

Abbadon cackled insanely as he watched the Imperial Guard lines start to buckle under his assault. The waves upon waves of gibbering spawn, supported by his own chaos space marines was now unstoppable. The hidden Demolisher tanks had been dealt with already, he feared them no more. This was going to be his day.

He redoubled his laughter, the guardsmen were starting to break. The bolt pistols of Commissars sang out along the entire line trying to keep the rabble in place. All it would need was one more push, one last assault. Abaddon began to run for the front, he would finish this personally, he had beaten Creed's plan and now he would torture the fool. This was going to be glorious slaughter in the name of dark go--

The thundering rage of stampede ten thousand feet strong roared over the din of battle. Abaddon looked confused toward his flank.

Tallarn rough riders! Thousands of them descending from the hill crest, literally trampling over his flank! The spawn seemed confused, the were hesitant to charge, his army was falling apart around him. It must of taken some kind of tactical gen--

"CCCCRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-"

Wait. His mind cleared. He had personally watched the Tallarn horses slaughtered and feasted upon not three days ago, there was no way the cavalry could of replaced such losses in so short a time!

He looked closer a the riders in the distance. To his astonishment, they weren't riding horses at all, but a strange creature that resembeled--

"Camels?" Abbadon asked to no on in particular.

Then the truth dawned on him,

"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY HAAASSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"

>>9577850
oh god. It really will work in any setting.

I can just see it now Rogue trader buying a used C4m3l freighter. Best deal in town.

Can someone do Exalted Crazy Hassan?

>>9575234

Whomever drawfagged this, It would be awesome if they did that, the same way, but in different backgrounds: Forest, Cave, City, Space, Underwater, Volcanic, etc

This thread better get archived on sup/tg/ when it gets close to dying

>>9578477
Any imperial guard army that includes Crazy Hassan reduce the base cost of a Rough Rider unit to 0 points, so long as they are modeled with camels.

>>9578477
God damn, Crazy Hassan really can fit into any setting!

A great fire had razed the port town. Nearly all ships had sunk, those still afloat were still burning. At first all seems lost, there is no way you're going to get across the ocean in time. Dejected you venture in to town where most of the buildings seem to have only minor damage. While looking for the taver you come across a familliar sight. Crazy Hassan's Used Camels.

Hassan's head pops out of the tent, his head darts around until he spots you. It's almost like he knew you were coming.

Hassan runs up to you eagerly.

"Greetings! You need ship? I sell you ship! Cheap! Quality! I sell you sea camels!"

You look over and see a camel wearing water wings on it's front legs and a snorkel.

I love you, /tg/.

>>9578726
>You look over and see a camel wearing water wings on it's front legs and a snorkel.

Would you like to buy a Sea Camel?

>Y/N

>>9578726
I would buy it on the spot.

d'awwwww

>>9578761
Comes with warranty and date air freshener.

>>9578761
>>9578783
>Y
COME OOOON, SHOW ME THE CAMEL

The party had been wandering through the desert for days. Lured to the land of death and sun by the fortunes of Dead kings. They had found nothing.
Vashir the Elven scout had return to the group on the third day. He spoke of a city walled on all sides by stone. Every house furnished to taste with fine tapestry and fine china. No a man walked the streets of this ghost town. Only Camels.
Vashir had return with the location of the town in hopes of returning to take spoils. The city was never found.
Upon returning to the nearest trade post I asked around about this mysterious city, empty and waiting to have its finery plundered. Not a soul would speak to me.
Finaly a meek old woman spoke. "That city is not yours for the taking" she chuckled grimly. "It is theirs"

"Whos? we saw no man in that desert"

"Indeed no man, no man at all. The Camels" she replied.

"Camels do not own, they are property. What madness do you speak of?"

She laughed and in a whisper lost to the sands "Not Madness per say. It is just his way... Hassan's way"

The Oasis beauty thanks you for your selflessness and offers you food and board for the night at her and wishes you to meet her husband. Her skills on horseback and beyond compare and she leads you swiftly across the desert. In the distance you see a familliar sight. The flea ridden madman smiles widely, glints of silver flash in the hot sun.

"Friends! I see you have met wife, yes!"

>>9578958
> "Friends! I see you have met wife, yes!"

Not even surprised at this point.
Requesting a haters gonna hate for Crazy Hussan

>>9578958
>Her skills on horseback
>on horseback
>horseback

BE WARY, HASSAN. I SENSE YOUR WIFE HAS BEEN TAKEN BY THE JINNI.

Camilla: You, sir, should buy a camel.
Hassan: Indeed?
Cassilda: Indeed, it's time. We have all bought a camel but you.
Hassan: I need no camel.
Camilla: (Terrified, aside to Cassilda.) No camel? No camel!

So far, we've got:

Crazy Hassan is bat shit insaine.

Loves his camels.

Sells discount camels and camel related products.

Will appear anywhere and everywhere. Across seas, planets and even RPG systems.

Will always sell you a camel, even if you don't want one.

Has a hot wife.

>>9578985
>haters gonna hate
>haters gonna get a discount on used camels

FTFY

>>9579012
Moonlights as a MC in modern setting.

>>9578999

never fear! evidently the party just lent her a horse. they will soon be convinced to trade them in for better-than-new used camels.

>>9579040
I can only imagine Hassan dancing to Dirty Harry.

What does Crazy Hassan's voice sound like? I imagine he sounds like Hank Ishtar from Yu-Gi-Oh The Abridged Series.

>>9579018
Haters Gonna Hate.... To miss out on once and a lifetime Camel Sale!!!!

>>9579012

Crazy Hassan is an universal singularity, much like mysterious shopkeepers and L-space in Terry Pratchett books.

>>9579078
A combination of Apu from The Simpsons combined with Ahmadinejad.

>>9579078

he sounds like Robin Williams, obviously:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qioOho4_ar0

>>9579078
In my head he sounds like Nico's cousin from Grand theft auto 4. But switch the accent from eastern euro to middle eastern.

Crazy Hassan IRL

>>9579149

So basically like Borat?

Also, Hank Ishtar: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CatVJI_sD0

>>9579159
Needs an insanely bit turban witha phez on top of that.

Hassan speaks in a vaguely middle-eatern accent. He also wears a turban and a fez hat on top of his turban. Unless he's in Texas, he'll wear a suit, turban and cowboy hat on top of his turban and a fez hat on top of the cowboy hat. No matter how erratic or fast he moves, the hats will never fall off his turban.

Hassan was doomed.

He knew it. There was denying his fate no, as the midday sun beat relentlessly on him, burning his exposed flesh ever deeper. He lied sprawled on the shifting sand, his legs and arms to weary to continue. He could neither walk or crawl or even cry for help as the desert slowly started to devour him.

He had been mad, he sobbed, to have tried to cross the Sea of the Torturous Sands this time of year, but he had been given no choice. The camel had to get through, they were needed there to help the people, to build a new future by rebuilding the destruction the war had brought.

The camels. Allah most gracious, the camel! They were surely doomed, he mourned. He had led them to near exhaustion miles away from any water, not even they could survive out here he realized. Not only had he killed himself and failed his customers, but he had harmed his camel...

His lower body was covered by the shifting sand now, but he did not struggle, the desert had judged him unfit to live and would take him into its bosom, to be wracked with pain and thirst forever. He thought of all those he had let down, would they ever know the truth about him or how he died? He prayed they wouldn't, he prayed his god would forgive him, and he prayed his camel would make it...

He felt a tug on his ragged shirt. Slowly, Hassan turned his face to the side. Above him, looking expectantly was his lone remaining camel.

"Flee, my good camel! Away with you...there is not but death here! Leave me, for I have failed you!"

>>9579177

Holy fuck this made me laugh

>>9579262
Yet the camel paid him no heed. With a rumbling grunt, the camel lowered it's head a bit down on Hassan's tunic again.

"No, let go!...flee..."

Slowly the camel started to drag him from the sand. Hassan emerged from his half grave, still begging and sobbing for the camel to let him die in his shame. Yet, the camel seemed not to hear or care for his command. With one ragged step after another, it began to walk backwards and drag Hassan along the dunes.

Hassan pleaded once more before his senses betrayed him and he lost consciousness to the heat...

A cold splash hit his face. Hassan blinkingly opened his eyes. Was he dead, had he arrived in paradise? A thousand questions raced through his mind when he saw his surroundings. He was in oasis, one that was familiar to him no less adn only a short walk from his destination. He looked at the pool of crystal clear water beside him and began to drink rapidly. Content with his fill he looked up and saw him.

His camel, lying motionless but for a few rattling breaths, watched him from behind. He hurried over to it's side and fell to his knees at his head. Still weak, he flopped forward onto the body of the great animal. He wrapped his arms as tightly as his strength allowed and weeped bitter tears, he knew he was tooo late.

"I'm...sorry..."

The camel slowly turned it's head to him. It's deep dark eyes said everything Hassan would ever have to know. With a last gasp, the camel died in his arms.

"I will never do such evil again..."

A few days later, his strength returned and the camel buried in a non-descript grave, a man left the oasis. He had come called Hassan, a beaten and broken man on the edge of life. He would leave, not as a man, but something more.

He was Crazy Hassan and the world would hear of his great deals.

Esteemed gentlemen of the Hassan Character creation coalition i believe we can all on to the conclusion that this man is pretty damn close.

>>9579294

I can't look at that without seeing the Amhadeejihad version

rolled 45 = 45

>>9579281
manly tears

>>9579294

Closer

>>9579281
A camel has died

An exalted is born

;__;

>>9579281

>>9579281
...I don't know what to say.

>>9579335

This is shit.

Crazy Hassan had a PhD in Nuclear Engineering and a master's in Administration of Justice.

>>9579281
>>9579262

>>9579078

I'm thinking the standard "generic arab" voice, the kind of person who says "my friend" a lot. Kinda like Omid Djalili: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSWJ4igJmVY

>>9576257
>>9576910
>>9579262

This character...
..so many emotions.

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO BAWWW OR D'AWWW

>>9578477
>could of

thanks faggot, you ruined it.

King Gerald, crusher of skulls, trampler of fiends and lord of all centaurs by birth right surveyed his domain from the highest tower of his castle. Long did his forest roam, as far as the eye could see. His nation was a mighty one, a force to be reckoned with. Yet still, there seemed to be something missing in his army. True, the clip clop of his forces was a sound feared by many but yet he still felt as if his strength waned.

He shook his head, and decided to not dwell on such matters for too long. He would have to go to the Great Court, where matters of state and importance would be brought to him so he may judge what actions are necessary. The tall and strong centaur king declined down the ramps of his castle and to the main hall, where he would take his place on the royal podium. From there his vizier brought to him all matters that needed his attention. As usual when he reached there the vizier, a wizened and kindly centaur, was awaiting him. But something was off today, his most trusted servant was uneasy. He let the matter pass and decided to go on with his duties.

“Come now vizier, tell me of what needs to be done today. I wish to quit this damnable court so I may continue to work on matters that need my attention far more!” King Gerald barked, a royal who had never learnt the phrase “indoor voice”.

The vizier gulped and spoke up nervously “Yes, my liege. I think, perhaps, that what you should see to first is an urgent meeting with a foreign merchant…”

>>9579554

“A MERCHANT? You trouble me with a mere merchant? Surely there are matters more deserving of my attention?”

“Well, my liege, this one was rather persistent, he bared through the castle and asked to see you directly, and you’ll see he’s rather odd case…”

The doors, strong and sturdy oak, burst open. Out came a rider atop a camel, brown of skin with slightly scruffy desert suitable clothing. Most noticeable was a wide smile on his face and a wild look in his eyes.
“Hello, new and valued customer! I could not wait to bring my deals to you, and the joy of owning a camel! I am Crazy Hassaan!” Crazy Hassaan announced with a pleased boom, that echoed through the hall. The various nobility stared aghast, the vizier even more put on edge and the king only staring blankly, not recognizing what had taken place. The silence of various people trying to get a grip on what was going on lasted only a short moment, however.

“How dare you! You come here when I announce, you filthy grubby little…” fumed King Gerald, with an intense bellow.

“Do not be angry! Is happy time! Soon you too like many other customers shall know joy of owning camel!” Crazy Hassaan beamed, the smile never wider.

The King stared down, blinked, and took time to recognize what the strange merchant was saying.

“Camels? CAMELS? We’re bloody centaurs, man! We don’t need bloody camels!” King Gerald shouted, frustration cracking through his voice.

A silence broke over the court. Time seemed to slow. Crazy Hassaan stopped smiling, and stepped down from his camel. The rest of the court, left rigid, could only watch as he made his approach to the King. The guards did nothing, too shocked by the strange turn of events to even register they should be stopping the merchant. Crazy Hassaan stopped directly in front of the podium and looked directly into the king’s eyes.

>>9579568
“EVERYONE” Boomed Crazy Hassaan, gripping the podium.

“NEEDS” He continued, face contorting into a scowl, a scowl that chilled the king to the bone, and gripping the podium even tighter.

“CAMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELS!” His voice boomed, nearly causing ear damage to the King, his grip so tight on the podium that it cracked slightly and a rage inside his eyes that haunted the King until his dieing days.


As soon as the rage had started, it has swept over him and Crazy Hassaan beamed a beautiful smile.

“Now then, how many wonderful camels can I have you for, oh valued customer?” Crazy Hassaan asked joyfully.

And that is the story of why the centaur nation has a thousand camels, and why it is a feared military power that strikes fear into many race. For, as Crazy Hassaan pointed out, nothing breaks enemy morale like being spat upon by camels.

I don't even

>>9579599
Camels.

Crazy Hassan and his slightly used camel emporium is now a meme.

>>9579642
Probably the best meme ever to - CLANG!
WHAT THE FUCK?

>>9579642
Meme's die and get old. Crazy Hassan's camels have extended warranty!

archive plz.

Think of the camels.

I've been part of this since last night and I have just one request in exchange for my part in all this.

Can we avoid the phrase "Camel and Camel Accessories" because All i can ever think of is an Arab Hank Hill. It's fine that he sells Camel accessories, even vital if you ask me. but i just can't get over the word association.

>>9579578

>Crazy Hassan
>mistreating the customer

what is this i don't even

"That one? She not for sale. New."

It had been days.

My compatriots at the club said it was sheer folly to cross the Saharah at this time of year, and I paid them no heed. My pride as an explorer wouldn't allow me to turn down such a challenge, to go through during the hottest summer.

The natives who were guiding me had already passed, poor bastards. Akhim was a good chap, but they were all malnourished. Had Akhim not been an arab he might have made a fine living in upper london...

But they had passed.

And I was not too far gone. I stumbled through the desert on my weakest day in no particular direction. It didn't truly matter, but I chose to walk West. I always preferred it when the sun was in the west, and it would have been an end I had more of a hand in, to die further in my chosen direction. That's what I told myself anyways.

By the time that noon came I had collapsed, and stayed in a sort of... dreamlike state. You know the kin of daze a chap gets when he's too tired? Indeed, but this was far more intense.

Until suddenly... a shadow covered me, the sweetest shade I'll ever know...

I looked up and saw what looked to be a Tuareg walking towards me with the largest herd of camels I had ever seen.

"Hello my friend! It seems you are in a bit of trouble out here!"

The accent wasn't Tuareg at all, I couldn't quite place it...

I replied that I was indeed in trouble, and he gave me a full waterskin, a rucksack of food, and a camel.

I had long since shed my wallet and valuables, even my pocketwatch, and I insisted he tell me where I could send a reward.

He looked at me and smiled.

"No my friend, Crazy Hassad needs no compensation for bringing you a great deal when you need it. Your reward to me is that you keep on living, and enjoy this fine camel."

>>9579710
Mmmm. Point. To be fair it's 7 in the morning here, I'm not quite sure why I tied to write something.

>>9579685
I fucking lold.

...I haven't even looked at a single other thread since I opened this thread. I've still got an unrefreshed tab open with timestamps from 22:00 onwards.

This is fucking beautiful.

This shall be archived within the hour. Those of old and new must learn of the great Crazy Hassan.

>>9579735
>crazy hassad
>hassad

WHATISTHISIDON'TEVEN

"Iiiiiiiits Camel Time!"

"No Hassan, no!"

Happy to have obliged you all, Hassan practically writes himself.

Good day.

They reached the sea.

After miles of desert, they reached the last great obstacle on the way to the promised land. Moses was troubled - God said he would help them, but how could they cross the sea? His people were behind him - he could feel their eyes on him, wondering whether it has all been a lie. There has to be a way.

Moses lifted his staff - the same staff he used to bring plagues into Egypt and slaughter thousands of the slavers who were now closing in on them. Then he brought it down, into the sea. It splashed.

Nothing happened.

He waited.

Nothing happened.

Then, suddenly, a voice was heard.

"HELLOO!" yelled someone with a strange, yet powerful voice. "THIS IS CRRRRRRAZY HASSAN! YOU NEED A CAMEL? OF COURSE! EVERYONE NEED A CAMEL! COME! BUY! CHEAP AT TWICE THE PRICE!"

Moses turned towards the source of the sound and saw a small, turbaned man with a large black beard. Behind him, a whole legion of camels. "W...Wha-" "NO MONEY? NO WORRY! I TAKE WOMEN, OR YOU PAY LATER! IS FINE!" Moses blinked. "Can they swim?" The strange man laughed loudly. "SWIM? OF COURSE! SPECIAL AQUA CAMELS! COME SEE!".

Ten minutes later, all of the Jewish people were seated on the camels. People started leaving, but Moses stayed to ensure everyone would go in the sea. Hassan said to him: "SO, WHAT ABOUT PAY?". "I'm sorry, friend, I have no money. But you are doing this for the God's favoured folk and-" "GOD? IS FINE! YOU JUST TAKE GOOD CARE OF CAMELS AND NO NEED TO PAY". Moses thanked the man. All his people were already in the sea, so he started leaving as well.

Halfway through, he heard a yell: "REMEMBER! CRAZY HASSAN'S SLIGHTLY USED CAMEL EMPORIUM! CRAZY PRICES!"

>>9579826
Oh wow.

>>9579826

Damnit, I now want to make a warlock with a pact with Crazy Hassan.

>>9579826

Exile of Jews from Egypt was all a marketing trick from Hassan to sell his camels.

>>9579826
Wow, I guess you could go there.

>>9579799
Considering the state of the front page right now, Crazy Hassan saved you from monotonous edition wars, slaanesh, and obnoxious quests.

>>9579785

it's a good piece, otherwise.

the outburst reminds of when the clown dude hulked out on Screweyes in We're Back

>>9579826
Every Setting....

Let this be the golden rule that trumps all others when it comes to Crazy Hassan. He Can And Will Appear In Every Setting.

>>9579906
Of course. What do you think the TARDIS is powered by?

>>9579906
Paranoia.

GO!

>>9579906

Crazy Hassan is, as was pointed out before, a universal singularity.

Man, I know it's early days, but I think Hassaan deserves a 1d4chan page.

>>9579922

And to think it all started with one player bitching about the selling price of camels...

>>9579826

and that, my friends, is why jews are famous for hoarding money.

they have a great debt to pay, but Hassan kept his prices low enough to be payed back before end times.

Person who originally wanted to put Crazy Hassan into his temperate/cold setting here. You guys are dicks, my party goes to /tg/ so I can't really get the same effect out of it now. Ah well, I'll have to settle for 2 amazing threads.

>>9579922
Do it, then. Far worse things than Crazy Hassan have made 1d4chan.

How did I miss this thread...?

/tg/... you amaze me. Crazy Hassan is working his way into my next Exalted session!

>>9579962

Hassan can be put in any setting.

>>9579962
>>9579922
Don't write an article on Crazy Hassan. Write an advertisement from him.

>>9579962
dude, now they'd be ASKING for hassan.

>>9580009
...Bitch, I love you.

>>9579943
OH god thats right i spent most of today trying to remember what the fuck started this last night.

Yeah it was a story about some meta gamer bitching that he couldn't sell the camels he had caught for 200 gold a head. even though his rule book said riding animals are sod for 200 gold each.

The answer. These Camels are used.

Yeah, I might write one tomorrow.

Unless another fa/tg/uy wants to do it before me. But for now, sleep.

Keep up the writefaggotry.

>>9580016
There's a difference between springing Crazy Hassan on a party who has no idea what they're about to get into and springing Crazy Hassan on a party who knows the drill. The second is far less fun.

>>9580038
Yeah, then we ran with the idea of what a "used camel" means.

If it wasn't 7AM and I weren't in dire need of sleep, I'd writefag LaCroix opening the Ankaran Sarcophagus to find it filled with camels.

An enigma? A Universal singularity? A God?

Many might ask just who is Crazy Hassan.

Crazy Hassan is anything he needs to be and more. Crazy Hassan is the Deus Ex Machina with crazy low, low, low prices for slighly used Camels. Buy three today!

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/9560328/

found the archive of last nights thread. considerably less Hassan. But hey an origin is an origin.

Btw this thread has not been archived yet. or is at least not showing up. Some one might want to get on that.

>>9580227
>Some one might want to get on that.

There's a special place in hell for people who see something worth archiving, know how to use the archives, post about it, and do nothing themselves.

So, is Crazy Hassan /tg/'s version of The Wandering Jew?

>>9580256

Or, for that matter, our Comte de St. Germain?

Think the three have met each other?

>>9580265
>>9580256
No, but do either of them want to buy a camel?

>>9580272

does it matter? they're getting a fleet of camels either way.

the real question is, does Hassan want any Oxyclean?

The theme music of Crazy Hassan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAuv6lFX2zM

This battle would be remembered for ever. At least by Richard - the sound of hooves, the scorching hot sun, the clang of armor. Familiar feeling took over him - not nervousness, not fear, something else. He called it the battle fever.

His cavalry line was charging towards the enemy. An arrow volley blocked out the sun for a while, but he ignored it. Some of his riders screamed their screams of death, but he wasn't hurt. One of the arrows glances on his helmet. Then, suddenly, everything went black.

He woke up roughly ten second later. His horse was dead - there was a lance stuck in his head. He looked around - everywhere he could see, there were mounted warriors fighting. A foot soldier was as dead as a dodo in that situation. "A horse! A horse! A kingdom for a horse!" he yelled, hoping someone would hear him.

"WHY HORSE! TAKE CAMEL! CAMEL BETTER!" a loud, powerful voice yelled. "CRAZY HASSAN'S SPECIAL SLIGHTLY USED CAMELS! CHEAP AT TWICE THE PRICE!". Richard was surprised, but quickly regained composure. "WHY WOULD I NEED A FUCKING CAMEL? IT'S FUCKING ENGLAND, NOT SOME FUCKING DUNES IN A FUCKING DESERT? EVEN MORE FUCKING IMPORTANT, HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU GET A FUCKING CAMEL HERE?". It was only then he took a look at the man - it was a small arab with a turban and a long beard. He looked like the Turk spy they executed a few days ago, but then again, all arabs looked the same to him.

--next post--

>>9580317

"CAMEL BETTER! LAST LONGER, MORE MEAT, GO FASTER, COST CHEAPER! YOU SAY HORSE A KINGDOM! CAMEL FEW COINS! BARGAIN!" yelled the man. Richard noticed a shape behind him - as he focused, it was a camel in a clad-steel armor. More importantly, everyone seemed to be ignoring the odd couple. "MAKE YOU DEAL - BUY CAMEL NOW, I GIVE SOME DATES FREE! ALSO, THIS GOOD SABRE! BELONGED TO A SULTAN WHO-" "I already have a sword!" protested Richard. "NO WORRY, I GIVE YOU LATER! ALSO, SOME BEADS FROM MY BROTHER IN LAW..." the strange man suddenly shut up. Richard felt pain in his stomach - he looked down and saw a sword sticking out. He looked up and saw Richmond.

Then, he saw nothing.

Hassan shrugged. "BUY CAMEL - SAVE LIFE" he said. Then he turned towards another unhorsed knight. "YOU WANT MOUNT? CAMEL SAFE, CAMEL GOOD, CAMEL FAST! CAMEL IS PERFECT MOUNT FOR A WARRIOR LIKE YOU! CRAZY HASSAN'S SLIGHTLY USED CAMEL EMPORIUM - CRRRRRRRAZY PRICES!"

>>9580252
I'm sorry, I'm a newfag. But how can I archive? I desperately want to keep Crazy Hassan alive forever.

>>9580252
Those who talk in the theater and child molesters also go to the special hell.

>>9580343
>>9580317
Hassan wears a fez on top of his turban, is rather large and would never dream of eating a camel.

>>9580317
>>9580343

Should've bought a camel.

>>9580317
Technically, they would have been The Moors back in the time of Richard.

>>9580347
It's been archived, I can see it. But for the future:

You've got the archive page open, right? Go to the bottom of it. There's a button that says "Request Interface". Hit that shit. Follow the instructions. Use this power for good, not evil.

HI! CRAZY HASSAN HERE WITH THE AQUA-CAMEL!
TIRED OF SHAKY OLD BOAT? GET CAMEL!
ORDER NOW AND I'LL GIVE YOU SACK OF DATES!
YOU GET ALL THIS FOR THE GREAT BARGAIN OF ONLY TWICE NORMAL PRICE! BUY CAMEL NOW!

>>9580416

Crazy Hassan has Crazy prices. Half the normal price, not twice.

>>9580416
Dammit, I cannot unsee Crazy Hassan as an Arab Billy Mays.

>>9580379
Never look a gift camel in the mouth.

>>9580435

You mean Billy Mays as a pussy Hassan?

>>9580416
WHAT IS THIS SHIT?

Crazy Hassan would never cheat a customer.

DG Friendly Eyes Only

Napoleon's Field Diary (Interestingly, this would make the 2nd find of such a field diary, whose own entries make interesting contract to the one kept under lock and key beneath the Louvre)

1st Entry - The sun bakes the sand beneath my feet, and I can't help but feel that the shade of Alexander and his generals watch my every move, judging me from beyond death.

2nd Entry - The March has been long and arduous, my Cavalry are close to exhaustion and the horses of Europe are not used to the desert heat. I have sent several messengers to local settlements, in hopes that they will send us the animals we need.

3rd Entry - I have been repeatedly told that my need for military animals may be met by one single man. Amazing, that the armies of France are to ride on due to the services of one man! I must find him, and hope he does not sell his wares to the Mamelukes before he sells them to me...

4th Entry - I have met with him. Under the shade of palm trees, he met my skepticism with unrelenting enthusiasm. He is like a force of nature, a dealer in promises and camels. I cannot remember the specifics of our agreement but I find myself 100 camels richer tonight.

5th Entry - Another 1000 camels arrived this morning. Truely this man is a god send!

>>9580450
It's his bad english.

What he means is "two for the price of one".

>>9580343
>>9580317
>>9579826
>>9580470

Fuck yeah Crazy Hassan in history

Hassan Dealer of Camels.

Obviously a descendant of CMOT Dibbler.

>>9580470

6th Entry - The quarter master complains. Another 5000 camels arrived today and our stock houses are stretched to limit.

7th Entry - I find myself with a conundrum. With all these camels, I am easily the richest man in all of Africa and Egypt. I could sell them now and give myself and all the men under my command lives of luxury. With my camels easily reaching into the tens of thousands now, I could also mount the men on desert ships, and sail towards ancient byzantine on their graceful backs.

8th Entry - Lord Above, he has sent us more camels. Perhaps I mispoke when I said we could use all the camels we could get.

9th Entry - I officially have more camels than the men under my command.

10th Entry - I officially have more camels than the men under my command have testicles.

11th Entry - I... may have more camels than the entire human population of the Ottoman Empire. Moving them is an impossible task by itself and my momentum is virtually non-existent. Even my enemies are not free to move, so thick is my herd of camels. I feel I have been outfoxed here somewhere...

(The rest is a sordid tale that describes the fall of the area to camel worship and sadism. Even Napoleon falls prey to the 'charm of camels'. Of the merchant, I have found only scattered details. I will continue to look into it and send any relevant reports back to you. I hear there is a merchant not far from here who fits the description and I find myself in need of a great many camels...)

>>9580502

You mean the other way around?

>>9580511
Outsmarting Napoleon must have taken some kind of tactical geniu-

HASSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

>>9580511

Holy fuck this is awesome.

>>9580511
You got me laughing really hard. Good job!

> I officially have more camels than the men under my command have testicles.

This is pure gold

>>9580312

I would have imagined it more like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9dnK8TjGXU

>>9580554

Given that they were French, it took about three camels to achieve that.

>>9580556
I like it. Very classic, very Arab, yet the Saxophone lends it an odd, timeless quality that makes it sound perfectly reasonable anywhere. But that's just my opinion.

Oh dear lord. The Crazy Hassan threads are going critical on Sup/tg/. keep up the writefaggin.

>>9580625
Holy shit, the first one is in the top 20 best voted.

Where's that Crazy Hassan advertisement that was going to be on 1d4chan?

>>9580708
Waiting for you to write it, as it will be every time you ask that question.

>>9580701
Really? But that's -that's- CRAZY!

On each side, the pirates surrounded us. We were doomed if it weren't for the intervention of the Turk.

The Dread Pirates called out for our captain to surrender for execution, or they would sink the ship. The noble captain would never allow such heathens to sink Her Majesty's Crown vessel. Boldly he stood at the Helm and placed his hat on the wheel. His sacrifice he had hoped would save us.

A Plank was placed between the lead vessel as a bridge for the captain to cross. He had thanked us all for our dedication to Her Majesty and stepped on the rail. On the horizon he saw an armada.

"The Mad Turk!" called out a voice from the crow's nest.

The Captain drew his looking glass and peered. The spear point of the formation was led by a ship with a camel at the wheel. Atop the figurehead was a smiling madman, his silver teeth shinning brightly. We were saved.

>>9576910
>>9576923
It's...It's just so beautiful!

It will be my work tomorrow to "Hassan-Roll" many quest threads.

Any setting my friends, any setting.

>>9580822
Spelljammer?

>>9580470
>>9580511

>>9580837
CRAZY HASSAN GIVE YOU BEST PRICE ON CAMEL EVEN IN SPACE

SPECIAL OFFER NO GRAVITY DISCOUNT

>Hassan not on the front page

THIS WILL NOT DO.

HOW WILL THE PUBLIC AVAIL THEMSELVES OF MY SLIGHTLY USED CAMELS IF THEY DO NOT SEE MY ADVERTISING?

>>9580918
SPECIAL FREE BUMP WITH TWO OR MORE CAMELS

>this whole thread

shitty viral marketing

Guidelines for using Crazy Hassan in your setting.

-Crazy Hassan sells Camels when players are in need of cheap transportation.

-Crazy Hassan also sells camel related items and will throw in bags of dates or a jacket that's a bit too large for the person buying it.

-All players who encounter Hassan will come away with a Camel, regardless if the want one or if they even agreed to take it.

-Hassan loves his Camels and their well being means a great deal to him. He would never sell a Camel to a person who would purposely harm it.

-Hassan's Camels are always used.

-Hassan's wife is really fucking hot.

-Hassan, his camels and wife can, and will appear anywhere, any time and any age. He is not exclusive to one system, but the tales of his encounters are.

-Hassan's prices are CRAAAAZY Low.

-Hassan wears a Turban and a Fez at the same time.

>>9580937
I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE, MY FRIEND, BUT I ASSURE YOU ALL OF MY CAMELS ARE 100% CLEAN AND CERTIFIED TO HAVE NO DISEASES!

>>9580947
> -Hassan wears a Turban and a Fez at the same time.

When did this happen?

>>9580961
these guys:
>>9578237
>>9579241
>>9580374

>-Hassan wears a Turban and a Fez at the same time.

which is funny, because that is how fez' were originally worn anyway.

Hassan is apparently a rather old fashioned person.

So, would Crazy Hassan be a Godwalker for The Salesman in Unknown Armies?

Thinking of putting this guy in.

>>9580947
I am so fucking stealing this guy for my Dark Heresy campaign.

IN THE GRIM DARKNESS OF THE FAR FUTURE, CRAZY HASSAN STILL SELLS CAMELS.

>>9580999
Crazy Hassan Sells slightly used Camels and Camel accessories.

So long as he's selling slightly used camels in his tent, then yes.

http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Hassan

Alright, made the page, but kinda fucked it up. The subheading is supposed to be the heading - that link should be "Crazy Hassan's Used Camel Emporium." Sorry - first time creating a wiki page.

Legend has it that one day a man asked Crazy Hassan where he got his camels. Hassan looked at this man and said "Follow Crazy Hassan if you wish to know of Hassan's Camels." and with that they were off. For eight days Hassans caravan traveled through the desert. Eight days of blistering heat. Until finally they reached a stone tower built within an oasis with a crack in the middle of the base. Hassan staked out the camels and had his wife watch them. He led the man into the crack which went deep, deep into the earth. Until finally they reached a large room with a glowing pool in the middle of it. "Long ago Crazy Hassan was lost in the desert. He wandered with no place to go. He then find this oasis and tower." Hassan said with a grim look upon his face. "When Hassan get here there was man standing by water. Man said to Hassan 'This is pool of lost souls. Those who die with no hope in their hearts end here. One day man will come who will give souls a second chance. Give them new life with hope. Hassan do this. Hassan sells camels. Camels only slightly used."

>>9581069
Not bad. It's a start. It does need a picture of a camel, and the bit of drawfaggotry added in there.

>>9581090

So, he turns them into camels hoping they gain a new outlook on life through their journeys?

>>9581090
No.

Reposting from earlier thread

>>9581090
I like it as a crazy red herring, but Hassan's supply should just be a crazy mystery.

>>9581111

Doesn't matter how Hassan gets the camels, you will part ways with him with at least one of them.

>>9581128
Where get camels? Sorry, my friend. Trade secret

>>9581128
>>9581145
>>9581122
I am going to put crazy hassan in my campaign and have every NPC have a different legend about him.

HE IS CRAZY HASSAN GOD OF COMMERCE (not really but it would be funny)

>>9581160
At least one legend should be that he was a powerful wizard who lost his mind, forgetting every spell but one - baleful polymorph. You buy a camel or become one, your choice.

A long rattle of autogun fire sounded as the Acolytes sprinted away. At the front was Marakh, the lithe assassin doing as he always did and running the fastest when trouble arrived. Close behind were Ganth and Stig, the scum and guardsman respectively. Coran, their tech-priest, lay dead in the street far behind them.

Shouts of rage came from all sides as the frenzied gang members and cultists drew ever nearer. Occasionally, as they rounded corners, they caught a glimpse of the front runners.

Their sprint seemed to be coming to a close as they came through a market. High buildings pinned them in on all sides but for where they entered, and a single alley gave them an exit. From the far end, near this alley, they heard a loud shout.

"Welcome, new and valued customers!"

>>9581160
>>9581179
This! Multiple, contradicting, and out-of-character legends are awesome!

>>9581179
Thats actually what I was going to have him do if my party tried to rob him. He is an epic level wizard with a monster DC for baleful polymorph. Then he sells the party at a great deal.

>>9581194
In the midst of the chase, the shout was a surreal enough occurrence to stop their sprint. There was a rotund man wearing a round cap and a turban about it, his long beard touching his belt despite the smile that attempted to lift it up.

"Yes, welcome new customers! Crazy Hassan has just what you need! Camocks, only slightly used! Taken to Emperor's chapel only! Better quality than new, Crazy Hassan swears it!"

Ganth laughed quietly and approached as other men rounded the corners. "How about...four thrones for three camocks?" As he pulled out the coins, he eyed the long legged beasts indigenous to the world. A single hump on their back was fitted with a comfortable looking saddle, reigns already fitted to their mouths. Behind him, Stig and Marakh readied their weapons, the front runners coming into view in the market.

"Four...FOUR THRONES?" The smile on Hassan's face grew even wider and he ducked into his small stand, returning with a dozen water skins, all full. "You have graced Hassan with your business, friends! Take these with his blessing!"

They quickly mounted and rode off. As they exited the city, Ganth saw Hassan stand in the middle of the causeway before the slavering horde and heard him shout.

"Welcome, new and valued customers! I am Crazy Hassan, and I have a better than new camock for each and every one of you!"

>>9581249
FUCK!!! THE RAMIFICATIONS OF HIS IMPECCABLE CUSTOMER SERVICE ARE SINKING IN!!

Bumping to spread the message of Crazy Hassan.

Might as well give it a shot. Not like I have anything better to do at 4:34 in the morning.

The Skinlands are shit this time of year.

Aw, who am I kidding? The Skinlands are shit all the time. Not like Stygia or the Temptest is any better, though.

But, walking through New Mexico has to be the worst decision the circle has made in a while. Betty said we had to travel far to make sure the Imperial flunkies couldn't find us after Carter had his Catharsis and royally fucked things up for everyone, but I didn't expect it to be THIS far.

We had reached the city by dawn. We were all as far from our Anchors as we'd ever been, and we could feel it. I personally just wanted to pop back there and sleep for God knows how long. I guess you could call that tired.

The worst part of it was the walking, and how slow we were.

You'd think in the good old United States, one could find a nice Relic Car around that didn't get junked. You'd be wrong.

So, there we were, wondering how we were going to introduce ourselves, to the Necropolis, when we see this tent in an alleyway.

We were a full day’s drive outside of Basrah, and Brinks was patting a camel. Why he was doing it, I have no idea. Normally, the man was hostile to any and all lifeforms with a pulse. Yet there he was, M4 in one hand, camel hump in the other, saying something about sand... to the camel. Last time I checked there was nothing in that desert save for this old oil well, our platoon, and this damn camel.

“Brinks?”
“Hm.”
“Where the fuck did you get a camel?”
“Crazy Hassan.”
“...what?”
“Ain’t shittin’ you, sarge.”
“What the fu-”
“Over there, sarge.”

He pointed out into the dunes and I was about to tell him there was nothing out there, when I looked. He coulda beat me with a dried turd and I would not have noticed. There was this massive tent, just pitched outside of our camp. Maybe about two dozen camels, milling about the general area... but this tent. Lined with tassels and embroidery and... I just don’t have the words. I heard Brinks tell the camel “Stay!” but pretty much ignored him. This was a hell of a tent. Then, from within it, I heard a voice. Loud, excited, heavily accented.

>>9581610
“WEEEEEELLLLCOOOOME!”

(“...the hell?”)

“Welcome newandvaluedcustomers! I am Craaaaaaaazy Hassan and I have craaaaaazy deals for you on uuuuuuuused camels! Big camels, leetle camels, camel bags, camel saddles, manuals on how to milk your camel-”
“Oooh!”
“Damnit, Brinks!”
“Sorry sarge.”
“-toothpaste for your camel, camels for your camel, whatcanHassangetforyou newandvaluedcustomer?”
I really had no idea what to say. Obviously, he did.
“Comecome, comecome, let Hassan show you finecamelsatlowprices!”

Something just compelled me to follow him, and I did. Brinks was poking around a shelf of camel-care manuals; I let him. Hassan- pardon me, /Crazy/ Hassan- was a master salesman. I am unsure as to how long he talked to me (at me?) about the virtues of the animals and the deals he had on them. I had to ask him about Brinks.

“Him? Oh, he was grumpy. He come in, insult me, make manyrudegesturesandcomments, point gun at me... is okay. He simply has never met the great and gentle camel.”
“The whatwhat whatnow?”
“He meet with camel, camel like him, they are meant for each other. I let him have at half price. He apologize, brush camel, smile... I tell him come back, Hassan will always have a camel for him. Nice guy. Greatandvaluedcustomer. MayIinterestyouinacamel?”

>>9581621
Thank goodness I was broke, or I would have walked out of there with one of the damn animals.

Speakin’ of which, we were shipped back to Baghdad a day later, and the tent was gone. Just fucking gone.

Shit, when someone shot Brinks’ camel, he beat the man to death with his helmet.

Somehow, the next day, two camels arrived on base, with embroidered saddles...

>>9581630
Lackluster, I know, I'm sorry, but I am tired.

>>9581642
Nah, it was awesome.

Loved the "beat the man to death with his helmet," nice touch.

Crazy Hassan sells not mere camels, he sells friends for life. Kharn the Betrayer would choose one of Hassan's camels over Khorne- and the Blood God would understand.

>>9581523

We didn't have time to wonder before a man wearing a turban and a fez popped his head out of it. He grinned, his silver teeth glinting in the low light.

"WELCOME, VALUED CUSTOMERS AND FRIENDS!" the man boomed, his booming voice said, "WELCOME TO CRAZY HASSAN'S USED CAMEL EMPORIUM! I GET YOU NICE CAMEL, YES?"

There was silence. We had no idea what to make of this guy. He was clearly alive, but we couldn't tell a thing about him. His health and life were a mystery. Jezebel, who's supposed to be a master of that kind of stuff, seemed totally out of her element.

Eric spoke up.

"Uh, Mr...Hassan, I'm afraid we're...well, we're not exactly the camel riding kind."

We normally would have walked away, but when a living man is talking to a group of bloodless spooks from his tent in the alleyway and not seem the least bit surprised, it's hard to not stick around.

Crazy Hassan looked at us for a moment, then laughed. It was at once calming and terrifying.

"YES", he yelled, "YOU ARE SPECIAL NEEDS CUSTOMERS! I HAVE SPECIAL CAMELS FOR YOU! COME IN, COME IN!!"

Curiosity had gotten the better of us. We walked into his tent.

My next Dark Heresy campaign is now going to be the acolytes investigating Crazy Hassan for suspected warpcraft.

There will be nothing untoward. He is just a crazy man selling camels in the underhive. It will be a test of the players' paranoia.

I swear that I will do my best from now on to somehow work Crazy Hassan into every setting I play. Because he deserves it.

So we were wanderin' through what was left of...I guess it used to be either California or Nevada. Enough Doomsayers around that it could have been either. Anyway, it doesn't matter. What matters is that we were out on the dry flats. Not quite desert, but...dry. And fucking awful in all regards.

Our truck broke down for what must have been the third time, and this time the gas tank dropped off. We didn't have enough spook juice left to get...well, anywhere, but we thought there might be a group to come along. We had enough food and water that we figured we could wait it out.

God damn, we were wrong.

Even down to tight rations, we were going through the water too fast. Anyway...the witch with us was just a -little- too hopped up on whateverthefuck it was she kept in that skull, and she started yelling about seeing someone out in the sands.

We looked, but there was nobody. She just kept saying, "The camels! There are fucking camels out there!"

I've heard Crazy Hassan has twelve toes, none of them originally his.

>>9581766
We ignored it, but she just kept yelling about seeing it!

Eventually, I stuck my head out and looked around. Sure enough, where she was pointing, there was a huge white tent and a few dozen camels.

Now, at this point, we were all more than just a little bit unnerved. Firstly, this tent just came out of nowhere. Secondly, there were camels around it. CAMELS. We hadn't seen so much as a horned toad in a month, and here were a bunch of fucking CAMELS. I won't even go into the fact that they couldn't have been native to the area.

Collectively, we decided to go check it out. The witch is still babbling about the camels (the sun must have gotten to her) and now the Doomsayer riding with us is going a little nuts. I asked why, and he said that these things were completely free of radiation. COMPLETELY. That threw another dozen red flags up in front of me, but I didn't care. I wanted to know what the hell was going on.


We get within a dozen strides of the tent and this tiny little guy comes blasting out, dressed like fuckin' Lawrence of Arabia. Before we can so much as twitch, he's smiling and shouting at us.

>>9581705

We went into the tent and were taken aback.

Lo and behold, there were camels. Peacefully hanging around, I could swear that some of them could look at us.

He led us to the back, where we we saw five camels in a pen of their own. One for each of us.

"SPECIAL CAMELS!" Crazy Hassan said, "PERFECT FOR CITY TRAVEL! KEEPS YOU COMPANY! MORE USED THAN MOST OF MY CAMELS, BUT THAT ONLY GIVES YOU AN EVEN BETTER PRICE!"

Thomas reached up to pet one (I'm sure it was just a reflex, considering that none of us has touched an animal in quite a while) and gasped.

He was indeed able to touch it. The other camels proved to be touchable as well. I personally could not stop petting the thing once I reached out for the one near me.

"We have deal, yes?" asked Crazy Hassan, his voice now more muted in tone. He knew we were sold.

Betty paid him with Stygian coins, which to our surprise he took in his hand as if they were made in the Skinlands. Even the faint groaning from the coins came to a stop once they reached Crazy Hassan's hands.

We rode out soon after. It's going to be hard to explain to the Necropolis, but I haven't felt this happy in a long while.

You know, I suspect most of these stories were just made up by Hassan himself to sell camels.

>>9581841
"Welcome, new and valued customers! I am the one and only Craaaaaaaazy Hassan! My madness is your savings, as you will see on many of these fine slightlyusedbutinconditionsbetterthannew camels!"

He stood there smiling at us, but we must have looked like someone just hung naked pictures of our mothers in front of us. My only guess on that is that he came closer, still smiling. "Friends, friends, there is no need to look dismayed! Even if you have little to barter with, Crazy Hassan will have a deal for you!"

In something like a daze, we followed him around all of his camels as he rattled off information. "This is Al-Aziz! Yes, a good strong camel, only owned by a very tiny sikh. Never had much burden, but a strong will!" I couldn't tell. It was a goddamn camel.

"This one is Alibabba! I call him this because he is smart, but also crafty! Leave him tied loosely, and he will surely end up in your tent to share your space. Such a kidder he is!" He patted the camel's nose as he walked past. The thing just kept on chewing its cud.

Before Crazy Hassan could regale us about another camel (apparently born from a royal camel, or something), I cut him off.

"Listen, buddy, we just need four camels and some water. Can you set us up with that?"

The look on his face was one that still wakes me out of deep sleep to this day.

>>9581877
He was smiling so wide that I thought his face was gonna tear in half. Hell, the witch was cringing and I'm pretty sure she's spent time talking to demons.

Anyway...He gets all bouncy and laughs before pointing a finger at me. I flinched like he had drawn cold iron. "Friend...That is Hassan's deal of the week! You are lucky, friend, oh yesyesyes." He pulls the reigns from a few of the camels, including Alibabba and Al-Aziz, and shoves them into my hands. A minute later, he walks around with three -more- camels, all loaded down with kegs of water and some other stowage.

"See? Crazy Hassan always treats his valued customers with respect and gives them the best deals that he can, because YOU are Hassan's valued customers! Be sure to come back to Hassan for your future needs!"

The doomsayer opened his mouth to say something about trade, but Hassan waved a hand at him. "Bah, faddle, nonesense. You are friends to Hassan! These are gifts to friends, yes! You tell others of Hassan, and Hassan will call it even! Now travel well, esteemed and valued friendcustomers!" With that, the guy darted back into the tent. In the bags, there must have been five hundred rounds of mixed ammo and enough armor to replace what had gotten damaged on us. On top of that, we had enough water to reach the next city with plenty to spare.

I won't say much, but I know I've told everyone looking for a mount to look for a guy named Hassan. As crazy as he was...I'd hate to get on his wrong side by sending folks elsewhere.

"Brother scout, what is the meaning of this?"

Seargent Tellion looked over at his scout squad, bemused. They were in a skirmish with the dread forces of Chaos, but...His entire squad were mounted on strange humped animals. He had never seen the like.
The scout looked back, altogether too happily.
"Over there, in the forest, there was this tent-"
Tellion made shushing noises at the scout. No telling who was listening.
"Sorry, brother-seargant. But there was this man, in this tent, he was selling camels-"
"These xenos are called camels?"
A camel stared at Tellion. Tellion stared back.
"Yes, brother-seargant, and he gave us a special deal-what was it?"
The rest of the squad started talking all at once, and lead scout picked the phrase out of the mumbling.
"Special price for newandvaluedcustomers, half-price used camels if you buy for your whole squad! I give you five-no, ten melta bombs!"
The squad snickered. The seargant was not amused.
"Show me this man."

The squad made its way back the the tent. It was lavishly embroidered, and looked completely out of place in between the towering trees. Hestus pushed his way through the tent flap. On the shelves inside, there were all manner of merchandise. What looked like crude harnesses, dataslates on 'HOW TO CARE FOR YOUR USED CAMEL', brushes, even tubes of-

"I AM CRAAAAAAAAZY HASSAAAAAAAAAAAN, I SELL YOU SPECIAL CAMEL, HARDENED FOR BATTLE. ONLY USED FOR ONE WEEK, BETTER QUALITY THAN NEW! HASSAN SWEARS IT. "
Tellion jumped two feet. There was a man behind a counter at the far end of the tent. His voice boomed and echoed through the forest.
"I have no need of your CAMELS, madma-"
"EVERYONE
NEEDS
CAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEEEEELS!" Crazy Hassan bellowed into Tellion's face.
"HALF PRICE FOR YOU! ONLY TWO THRONES FOR MIGHTY CAMEL!"


Ultramarine chapter legends tell of a story in which Scout Seargant Tellion led a victorious counter-charge on the Word Bearers legion of traitor Astartes mounted on strange, one-humped beasts.
Tellion denies these allegations.

What would Hassan do, if I bought his finest camel and had it butchered for fur, meat and fat for soap and alike.

I wonder what would be his reaction.

>>9581971

You wouldn't wonder what he would do, because it would have been already done.

>>9581971
>Implying that Crazy Hassan's best camel wouldn't be able to kill you if you tried.

>>9581971
As soon as you raised a knife to harm one of his camels, it would be snapped out of your hand by an unseen force. A dark wind would begin to flow as everything faded, save a portly man in your field of vision.

"Valued customer...have you no respect for Hassan's deals?"

The darkness closes in around you until all that you can see is his smile.

"Friend, you are not a valued customer."

And then there is no more, save a camel wearing the scraps of what appear to be your clothes.

>>9581971

I don't think Hassan would even show you around the store if you had the intent to kill one of his camels.

alternatively, he would have a herd of fat, domestic camels specifically for slaughter?

I dunno lol

I need flying camels, could hassan deliver such creatures of grace?

>>9582024
Valued customer, you have need of flying camels?

Come, come, Hassan has what you need! Here, camels! Note the balloons about them? They lift better than any wing could on a camel! And see these hand fans? Camels run fast in the air and churn the air, flying fast for you!

Hassan always serves his customer!

>>9582037

>see these hand fans along their legs

Crazy Hassan - Good Trades for mercantile god! Camels for the sales stock!

We will make good deals yes! Sales for the sales god!

Whenever Crazy Hassan's cultist, the economy regardless how primitive booms to life, breathing new cultures and raising the technological levels, even orks couldn't deny the good deals you could get from Hassan just for few teef.

>>9582024
In a scenario where flight was necessary, he'd still being selling camels.

Sopwith Camels.

>>9582024

"Ooohhh ho ho ho hooo!!! You are being very particular, valued friend customer! No matter, Crazy Hassan have beautiful camels for this exact occasion! Comecomecomecome, Hassan show you extra special deal for extra special customer!"

Hassan leads you out behind the tent, where a team of three camels are tied to a small, two-person sailboat. the camels are all wearing leather skull caps, goggles, and silk scarves. the lead camel is chewing on what appears to be a pilot's license.

"Yes! flying camels! Barely used! Hassan feels slightly uncomfortable selling such unproven creatures, but our friend and valued customer drives a hard bargain! So! Hassan make extra special deal! three camels for the price of one and one third! and Bonus gift, one bag of dates! We have deal, yes? no? Hassan is sad. Ah ha! Hassan throw in maps of the air, one time offer! Yesyesyes, you buy now! tell your friends! Crazy Hassan thanks you for your patronage, valued Friendcustomer!"

>>9582114

>>9582114
with camel pilots.

>A camel stared at Tellion. Tellion stared back.

I can imagine what camel was thinking.

>Watchu gonna do? Blam me?

>>9582123
>maps of the air
oh lawd

>>9582114
Fail.
>>9582139
WIN. FUCKING WIN.

>>9581962

I can see hassan using traitors last words.

"What the in love Slaneesh are those things?"

Hassan sell very pure Camel yes, entirely unknown to chaos they are, yes yes!

>>9582199

Now you can imagine what a camel would look like what its dipped in glue and thrown into gigantic bucket of "Quotes of the Emperor, Volume XI" Purity Seals.

>>9582199
Would Hassan allow potential customers to have sex with his precious camels? This is Slaanesh we're talking about.

>>9581990
Oh man, like that shopkeeper from Link's Awakening.

>>9582224

of course not.

Hassan has an esteemed colleague, Manic Mahmood, who would be happy to sell you some factory second goats however.

>>9582224

Of course not, Hassans camels are trained to trample any heretic on sight and on occasionally, giving them sanctified gift from their salivary glands.

And if psyker beasts or chaos troubles you, worry no more! Pariah camels keep all sorts of warp creatures away from your front yard, works on some xenos too!

Get yours today!

>>9582256
Son, I am approve.

>>9582256
Manic Mohamed looks exactly like Hassan, but with a mysteriously fake looking mustache.

If you try and pull it off, you'll find he really is a different person and you just pissed him off.

Crazy Hassan will say anything to make a sale and everything he says turns out to be true.

>>9582365

Good salesman always is true to his word, no?

I met Hassan once. Out in the middle of nowhere drifting in a doldrums. He was just sitting there on a camel on top of a raft. He ended up selling us three camels and a barrel of dates since we were running low on fruit juice. I don't know where the three camels came from. They weren't on the raft.

We looked overboard to say goodbye because the winds were picking up, but he was gone.

>>9582453

Hassan is busy man, he is after good deals and and always on a lookout for valued customers.

He has practically every camel you could think of, from arctic camels to giant space camels.

What would happen if Crazy Hassan and Stan the Used [insert noun here] Salesman from Monkey Island met?

In the mystical lands of Killik-kilik, the wives of sultans tell a story of karma, and love, and of high quality, affordable camels.
****

Duke Malimont watched as his query, the young princess, rode off on the back of the strangest looking creature he had ever seen. If he had to guess he would have figured it to be some sort of mutant horse or some sort of misshapen donkey. Whatever it was, it was carrying the target of his obsession away from him at a fast pace.

As he surveyed the area, wondering where the princess had gotten the oddity, he noticed a brightly coloured tent set next to the road. Sitting on a stool in front of the tent was a strange man, accompanied by more of those strange beasts. The man with a turban and fez placed snugly atop his head, was gazing warmly at Duke Malimont, a welcoming grin decorating his face.

“Welcome, new and valued customer,” the strange man hollered, “I’m Crazy Hassan, and I would like to sell you a camel today. My camels are better than new. Only slightly used. Come my friend, come and buy my excellent camels. Cheap! Clean! Best camels in all the lands.”

The thing about Hassan's special camels is that they're just normal camels, but rudimentary modifications like cheap wooden wings tied to them or fishbowls placed over their heads actually work.

>>9582519
The duke sneered as he marched from the hill where he had been standing, down to where this ‘Crazy Hassan’ was waiting. “Did you give that girl the beast she was riding away on,” Duke Malimont asked, his hand resting menacingly on the hilt of his sword.

“No, no, no. I sold it to her. She got a very good price. You will also get a very go-”

“How can sell something to someone how doesn’t have any money,” interrupted Duke Malimont as his sword slowly slide out of his scabbard.

“Not for money. I sold her that fine used camel for the kiss from a chaste virgin,”Crazy Hassan said warmly. His hand lightly touched the side of his cheek in memory. “Come, this talk doesn’t get you on the back of one of my camels,” Crazy Hassan quickly said as he snapped back to reality.

“She won’t be so chaste when I am through with,” mumbled the duke darkly. For a moment the duke contemplated all the ways he would break the young princess.

>>9582521
So...he's secretly an Ork and his power of the Waaaagh! comes from...sales?

>>9582532
“What Allah wills, Allah wills,” Crazy Hassan said, his keen ears hearing more than Duke Malimont would have liked. For a second, the duke worried that the merchant would act to defend the girl, but all Crazy Hassan did was smile warmly back at him and usher the duke to where his camels waited.

Some of them were ugly looking things, but one caught the duke’s eye. Without even a thought, Duke Malimont grabbed the camels roughly by the reigns and began to drag it away from the rest.

“My most valued costumer, you have not paid for that very cheap camel. Please come back! That camel might not be right for you,” Crazy Hassan called to the thief as he marched of with one of his camels.

“Why should I pay a beggar like you for the honour of me using one of his inbred, flea ridden, monstrosities?” The duke sneered at Crazy Hassan, his hand waving him away in a dismissive manner.

>>9582544
No, he's Turkish.

>>9582552
“A thousand pardons, but this isn’t about pay. A rider needs the right camel, otherwise it could lead to disaster. The camel must respect you!”

“Respect me,” laughed the duke, “I’ll break this beast and I’ll break that princess. Then I will be king. Now I ride!” Duke Malimont, with a mighty kick, attempted to spur the camel forward in pursuit of the princess. Yet, nothing happened. “Stupid beast,” growled the duke. With both his heels, he attempted to get any response from the animal.

“Camels, as well as women, need to trust you, respect you.” Despite his words, the duke continued beating the camel. For the first time in years, Crazy Hassan sighed, and grieved what he knew was to come. “Ride my friend, carry our most valued customer to his fate.”

Like a bolt, the camel, that had once been still as stone, broke off at a thunderous pace. Yet, Crazy Hassan’s words proved true. The camel was unresponsive to Duke Malimont’s directions. Worse, the duke kept slipping in the saddle as he was unaccustomed to riding a camel. It was only a matter of time before he fell from the saddle and crashed to the hard ground below. And thus Duke Malimont met his end.

>>9582575
Later that night another camel could be seen up the road, riding to where Crazy Hassan had set up shop. On top of it was the one of the fairest ladies in all the land. The princess and her camel glided easily across the moonlight moors. The silver light shone like a halo upon her rich, brown hair. Yet, for all her beauty, she looked distressed and conflicted, a slight maidenly blush colouring her fine features.

“Salaam, my most valued customer! Have you come to purchase another camel from me?” Crazy Hassan walked to the camel and helped the fair maiden from her saddle, his good cheer having been restored as soon as he had buried the body of the duke.

“No, I’ve come to return this majestic beast to you. I can’t in good conscience take it,” the princess said. “Even if it means I fall into that beast’s hands, I can’t cheat a good man.”

“I refuse,” Crazy Hassan said, “for how could I ever honour you with a refund. The camel is yours, now and forever.”

“Bu-” the princess began to speak but was promptly cut off by a gentle kiss from Hassan. The princess blushed deeply at the unexpected act of tenderness.

>>9582590
“See. A pale imitation of what you paid, the kiss of a used camel merchant. There is no fair refund I could offer you,” Crazy Hassan said calmly. “And don’t fear returning home. It is safe now. The man chasing you has gone to a place only the finest of my camels can go.” Despite the good news, the princess seemed unsure. “You do not seem glad. Perhaps you need another camel to accompany you home.”

“He wasn’t the only one who wanted me for my crown, or my looks,” the princess forlornly said. She walked toward Hassan’s vacant stool and took a seat. “Is there anything else in the world that matters to men?”

“Camels,” Crazy Hassan said simply. While it wasn’t a joke to him, the princess laughed heartily at the statement.

“I wish I could go with you. See the world, leave behind my name and title. Just be free.” There was a pause as the two exchanged a look that said many things.

“A camel is freedom,” Crazy Hassan said. “Two provides even more freedom.”

>>9582555

Close enough

"If I add jet-engines, this camel will sell better?"

>>9582602
“But it is a dangerous world out there.”

“My camels are the finest camels in the land. Also provide good protection. Three camels are better than castle walls,” Crazy Hassan said, focusing on the sale instead of the mounting emotions in his heart. He knew moonlight had this effect on camels, but this was the first time he’d ever felt it himself.

“So the safest place in the world would be traveling with you,” the princess said, all traces of naivete thrown out the window as she cast Crazy Hassan a look her mother, grandmother, and great grandmother had used to great success before when landing themselves a husband.

“Yes, but in my culture, for a woman to be accompanied by someone other than her father or husb-” Crazy Hassan paused as the princesses look intensified. He knew then that there was no escape.

“Well, if marriage to you is the price of my freedom, than I’ll gladly rectify that problem.”

With a sigh Crazy Hassan gazed into the starry heavens. “What a woman wills, a woman wills. And Allah be damned.”

***

The women of Killik-kilik speak of the night and the other nights that forged the pairs undying love. They talk about their many adventures, and their peerless guile and cunning. They talk of the used camel merchant and his queen.

>>9582610
no its a better deal because its not tested.

The archers had done their job and the hounds had given their lives to stall the Darkspawn. Now it was up to the soldiers and Grey Wardens of Ferelden to protect their country from the foul monsters. Raising his sword (momentarily regretting leaving his family blade in the chest by his tent) King Cailan shouted with the full power of his voice,
'FOR FERELDEN!'

The soldiers and Wardens charged, raising their voices high before hitting the Darkspawn charge. This was the moment of glory, defending Ferelden with the aid of the Grey Wardens. When Loghain would charge they'd break the Darkspawn and crush them in a flanking maneuver worthy of legends.

Cailan and Duncan, commander of the Wardens in Ferelden, hastened down from the platform to join the melee. Any moment now the fire would be lit atop the tower and Loghain and his men would charge...
...
But there never was a charge, the fire was never lit. Could the two young Wardens he had sent to make sure it was lit have failed? Or could something else have happened?

more incoming...

>>9582626

What is a camel that is more camel than average camel, but can travel faster and in hardier places?

I have no idea but I am about to find out

-Crazy Hassan, about to train his world famed Commando Camels

>>9582637
Cailan was not given time to ponder over this oddity, the Darkspawn pushed on their ranks. It would not be long before they broke...
Suddenly, a massive hand picked him up like he was a small doll. He could smell the stench of rot even over the terrible stench of Darkspawn. It was an ogre! It released a massive roar at his face, almost making him faint with it's terrible breath. 'All is lost', Cailan quietly said to himself...

Then, from the woods, came a strange, honking sound. It was like none he had ever heard before and even the Darkspawn seemed surprised by it, as if it was foreign to them aswell.

And out of the woods came horses, no, not horses... Some kind of animal resembling a horse, but more colored like sand and with a pair of humps on it's back. Leading this mysterious charge was a man of unknown origin, wearing a headdress made of cloth with a tiny, cone-shaped thing on top.
So amazed by this was the ogre it dropped Cailan, who was not slow to ram his blade through it's leg, crippling it.
The man leading the charge of animals was yelling something, but over the roar of battle Cailan could not hear properly until he could just make out what was being shouted...
'I SEE YOU HAVE NO MOUNTS! I SELL YOU CAMELS FOR WHOLE ARMY! BUY MORE CAMELS AND GET THEM CHEAPER!'

Want more?

>>9582519
>>9582532
>>9582552
>>9582575
>>9582590
>>9582602
>>9582625

Best explanation of where he got his wife I could ask for. And Lawful Good Crazy Hassan is my favorite Hassan, followed by Lawful Neutral Hassan.

>>9582719
I'll add that this was my first attempt at writefaggotry...

>>9582740
It's fine. Keep going, I want to know how Crazy Hassan saves the day this time.

>>9582719
As the camels collided with the rear of the Darkspawn lines, emitting their strange, honking sound again, Cailan understood this was the moment to rally the defenders of Ferelden.
'DRIVE THEM BACK! END THE BLI-'
Suddenly the small man was up right at his side, leading a pack of the strange animals apparently called "camels".
'I SEE YOU ARE KING! KING NEEDS GOOD MOUNT! I SELL YOU KINGLY CAMEL! CAMEL WITH LONG LINE OF HERITAGE! YOU BUY NOW, I GIVE YOU TINY PRINCE CAMEL FOR PRINCE KING!'
'But I... The Darkspawn! I can't buy a came-'.
'YOU DON'T LIKE SPAWN-THINGS? I GIVE YOU SPECIAL OFFER OF CAMEL BRED FOR KILLING THEM! YOU WAIT! I GET SPECIAL CAMEL!'
Before Cailan could respond, the small man had disappeared into the fray, leading his small pack of camels onward like a battering ram, crushing any Darkspawn before him under their hooves. Even though the man had already made some distance, Cailan could hear his shouting still...
'CRAAAZY HASSAN'S CAMELS! YOU BUY CAMEL YOU GET ANOTHER FOR FREE!'
As this "Hassan" charged through the Darkspawn lines, the Grey Wardens and those soldiers who still lived pushed on the Darkspawn lines. Then, as the Darkspawn lines broke, the foul monsters turned as one and fled into the woods. No doubt they would return to their lairs in the deep roads. But it was of little matter, the day was won. But the strange little man was nowhere to be found and neither were his camels. Could he have followed the Darkspawn in order to train this "Darkspawn-killing camel"?
Cailan would never know...


First attempt at writefaggotry. Give me some criticism people, I could use it.

>>9582879

honestly, bro? just keep writing. never stop writing.

I am too tired to offer criticism, and I doubt any from me would be valid in the first place.

I will say that I enjoyed what you wrote, though. it is a little strange seeing Hassan not actually make a sale, but a personal failing on his part could give him some depth of character.

>>9582879
Err... General writing tips?
>was the moment
>was up right at his side
>had disappeared
>had already made
>was of little matter
You want to avoid doing this when writing something with lots of action, it takes away from the momentum. Instead:
"Cailan seized the chance to rally the defenders of Ferelden."
"Suddenly the small man popped up right at his side."
"The small man sunk into the depths of the fray."
"Even though Cailan could see no more than the occasional glimpse of fez."
"It mattered not."
Also, action-packed writing is all about your choice of verbs. Try to use verbs that give a better feeling of what's going on around you. Instead of "collided with" say "slammed into," instead of "emitting" say "rasping" or "screaming," instead of "could hear" say "his shouting still pierced Cailan's ears." And try to minimize your usage of "to be." Once in a while is fine but if you can rephrase to avoid it, you probably should.

BUMPAN

>>9583859
Sorry, bro, that ain't gonna work on this thread.

Bump, Hassan refuses to allow this thread to 404, must continue cutting great deals for valued customers.

HELLO WELCOME TO CRAZY HASSAN'S USED CAMELS I AM CRAZY HASSAN
I SEE YOU ARE A FINE GROUP OF ADVENTURERS EXPLORING THIS FINE CAVE WHERE I HAVE SET UP MY SHOP, AND I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU WOULD BE WANTING
I KNOW IS LONG WAY TO DESTINATION THROUGH DARK CAVE, HOW WILL YOU FIND YOUR WAY? I KNOW HOW YOU WILL FIND YOUR WAY, WITH ONE OF MY REASONABLY PRICED CAVE CAMELS.

'CAMELS DO NOT LIVE IN CAVES' YOU MAY SAY, BUT I DO NOT TELL YOU HOW TO MURDER GOBLIN CHILDREN AND STEAL THEIR GOLD, SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD NOT TELL ME HOW TO SELL CAMEL. THE FACT IS CAMELS TRAVEL ACROSS THE DESERT, AND DESERT IS WHERE THERE IS VERY LITTLE RAINFALL. NOW TELL ME, HOW CAN RAIN FALL UNDERGROUND? IT CANNOT OF COURSE, THUS WE ARE MERELY IN THE UNDERGROUND DESERT, AND THE CAMEL'S NATURAL HABITAT