Let's get to the fucking sphere already.

Kyomi already took advantage of the distraction and went to get the sphere.
We need to make as big a scene as possible, even if we get kicked out.
We should start flipping out in random gibberish, then start screaming about the G-man, and Xen
That should get enough attention.

>>9579129
But first take a shower.

Fuck off Fetish Quest.

>>9579133
You realize the moment Freeman shows up, the jig is up...

-----
. . . as you're getting back up, there is a flash of light, and then a mysterious little man in a red hooded cloak appears before you. You recognize the same guy you saw in hell when you died that one time.

"Look," the Dungeon Master says, "I'm gonna be honest, this adventure is turning out a bit retarded. I'm gonna go grab a beer, but be honest: do you want to continue this, or would you rather just get back your sphere and cut to you leaving Black Mesa and going back home?

>>9579138

Nonnononono. Keep the mass of blood on.

Then we get to see Sam and Jehanne's expressions when we arrive back home completely soaked in blood. Absolutely priceless.

>>9579160
yeah,
but it's not like he can TELL anyone about it
and he has no way to tell people why he hit us with a crowbar

>>9579156
MaidRPG is /tg/ related.

>>9579168

Only if we get an AAR.

And xp.

>>9579168
This could have been so epic OP, if you had had resonance happen.
but regardless, have Kyomi return with the sphere and let's get back.

>>9579168
I would rather continue, but if ending it now would help us get back into Kyomi 's pants...

>>9579168
Fucking resonance cascades and their associated memory loss...

>>9579168
"Alright chief, let's cut to the fun bits."

>>9579156
It's rarely sex stories
only maybe 1/6 of the time.

>>9579168

Maybe just timeskip, yeah.

But for added hilarity, keep the blood on, pretend we're dead, and have Carmine carry us back in to the horror of all the other maids. Then wake up, scare everyone shitless, and have Koyomi pop out with a cellphone cam and do a "you're on candid camera!" moment.

>>9579168
Let's continue this. By hijacking the nearest vehicle as penance.

>>9579234

Second.

>>9579168
just cutting to the point is fine, as long as we get a beer too.

>>9579234

>>9579225
Actually we haven't had sex with anything at all today.

>>9579168
The timeskip sounds good, unless you think you can make this more interesting somehow.

>>9579168

Can't we kill one thing before we do a timeskip?

>>9579234

>>9579252
Good point. We must fix this

>>9579168
Fuck this noise, let's go back to the mansion.

>>9579283
We could finish having sex with Koyomi on top of the sphere... for science, naturally.

>>9579303
Brilliant!

>>9579287
Fucking noise you say? I like this idea. I'll need to try it sometime.

Okay, here goes.

-----
The Dungeon Master nods to you and casts RETCON.

-----
As Carmine runs off after the protester, you get up to chase her. You slip on the pig's blood and hit your head. . .

You wake up on a hospital cot with a splitting headache. It is very dark, and you can hear gunfire and explosions outside the room. You can also hear a voice over the intercom system saying something about a resonance cascade.

WHAT DO?

>>9579168
That depends Mr. DM.
A: Do i get a beer too
B: Is Gordon Freeman involved?

>>9579323
Ease self out of bed, look around.

Reach for shotgun if we still have it.

>>9579310
great,
now I'm thinking of something like the brown noise only it makes people orgasm.

>>9579323
Get your barrings and find a weapon. Guns, crowbars, what have you.

>>9579323
Find our maids and butler.

OH SHIT.

REGROUP!

Get all our people and the sphere OUT OF THERE NOW.

goddammit, we definitely need loads of people for this

SEARCH FREEMAN, GIVE HIM A GUN

>>9579323
Pray to Allah for forgiveness.

No, wait.

Get up and look around.

>>9579323
Aquire Weapon

>>9579323
look around the room, check outside any windows, exposing as little of ourselves as possible
look for weapons
OP, you are awesome

>>9579340
You ease yourself out of bed. Your gun is not here. You do, however, find a lab coat to wear so your ass isn't hanging out of that damn hospital gown.

As you get dressed, you hear a slam on the door. Something is yelling incoherently as it hits the door over and over again with its powerful fists.

>>9579323

Head up, eyes open, check immedeate surroundings. If there is a weapon, grab it. If there is a woman, fuck it. If there is a headcrab, kill it.

>>9579323
Masturbate! How can you people have all forgotten our waking up tradition?

>>9579341
weaponise this

>>9579377
That's either Carmine, Reginald, or something else that probably wants to kill us.

Stand back and let them blow the door down.

>>9579377

Swear at it. If it responds, it's Carmine, so it's safe. If it doesn't, find soemthing to kill it with. Big-ass needles, scalpels, a bonesaw, whatever. We're in a goddman medbay.

>>9579382
THIS

I FEEL SO DIRTY FOR FORGETTING!

>>9579377

Carmine?

Take cover away from the door and any path it might take.

>>9579377
carmine?

>>9579382

..I am so tempted to second this. So sorely tempted.

>>9579375
>>9579379
>>9579382

Looking around desperately for a weapon, you find nothing aside from the IV stand that is feeding saline solution into your arm. You grab it and creep up towards the door, feeling your heart pound in your chest. . .

. . . and then the door opens, and a young man with a narrow, angular face falls into the room. "HELP HELP!" he screams. "I AM BEING CHASSED BY HEDCRAB ZOMBIE GOASTS!"

>>9579377
Obviously Carmine, what else could it be.
Open the door without taking any preparations.

>>9579416
We're going to break tradition if we don't do it. JACK OFF. Then go investigate the banging. Probably is Carmine, but we should talk to her to find out the reason for it.

>>9579382
oops, totally gotta do that

>>9579423
oh
fuck
yes

>>9579423
Oh, no.

John Freeman.

>>9579423

You lost me.

>>9579423
"Stick with me, pal. I'll fend them off with an IV."

>>9579444
>John Freeman
...

heh

>>9579423
Beat him to death while screaming "I have to kill fast, and bullets too slow!" as a litany of fury and impotent rage, since he got here before we could masturbate.

>>9579423
aw shit... are aliens and monsters attacking this place?

>>9579444
JOHN FREEMAN, RUN AWAY FROM HERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN
we screamed from the top of lung

DOES HE HAVE WEPON

>>9579454
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHxyZaZlaOs

You immediately drop your pants and start to masturbate, as is your tradition. John Freeman gives you a strange look. "WAT U R DOING? HUMENS ARE BEING KILLED BY HEDCRAB ZOMBIE GOASTS!" he shouts.

A moment later, a translucent creature comes into the room, moaning as it lunges at you with its claws. . .

You are wielding: your cock.

WHAT DO?

Beat the Zombie headcrab ghoasts to death while screaming "I have to kill fast, and bullets too slow!".

>>9579480
Finish in its eyes. blind it for 2d4 hours

>>9579480
GHOST BLOWJOB

WOO WOO, MOTHERFUCKER

Continue to masturbate while stabbing the creature with the IV stand.

>>9579480


Fuck it?

>>9579480
a. pick up the phone
call Bill Murray
b. hit it with a dark type attack
c. exorcism

take your pick OP

>>9579486
This. And then move on to the person who manages to convey the spelling of a twelve year old through the sound of his voice, somehow. Your time has come, John!

>>9579480
Attack with your greatest projectile weapon.

...your jizz.

>>9579480
Equip magician outfit.
Exorcise.

>>9579461
>>9579486

Grabbing your dick in one hand, you scream like a motherfucker as you charge the zombie goasts, screaming, "I HAVE TO KILL FAST, AND BULLETS TOO SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

> Attack roll: 16 vs 2

. . .

The Zombie Goast screams as it falls to the ground, bruised and battered as you turkey slap it in the face.

WHAT DO NAO!?

>>9579533
FINISH ON ITS FACE

>>9579538
(sigh) fine, I second this just to get it over with

next, call the ghostbusters

>>9579533


SKULLLFUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

>>9579533
We will have time to fap like madmen later. For now, we escape!

>>9579533
Oh wow.

>>9579538
>>9579529
>>9579509
>>9579504
>>9579500

You attempt to jizz in it's eyes!

> 12 vs 8

You manage to spooge in its eyes. It screams and claws at its face, screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
;

>>9579560

Now, beat it with the IV pole until it dies from it.

>>9579560
YES. now we beat it up with the IV Pole thing

now, find a crowbar, get out maids and butler, and gtfo before the military gets here

>>9579560
OWNED.

>>9579560
And now we finally kill it with our seventh most devastating physical attack.

THE KICK!

>>9579560

MAIM! KILL! BURN!

>>9579560
FINISH HIM!

>>9579572
uh, it's a headcrab zombie ghost not a normal headcrab
I think it's already dead

>>9579572
>>9579573

Grabbing your IV pole, you howl like a motherfucker as you beat the monster to death. . .

> 12 vs 12

You manage to smash the monster's head in with your IV pole, but the headcrab comes free and leaps at your . . .

. . . oh holy fuck.

IT'S NOT LEAPING AT YOUR FACE! THIS FUCKING THING IS TRYING TO BITE YOUR DICK OFF, WHAT DO!?

>>9579614

Kick it in the taco, paco.

>>9579614
Let it jump on our dick. That's when we'll release our secret weapon...

>>9579614

DODGE AND SMASH!

DODGE AND SMASH!

>>9579614
OH GOD NO, RED ALERT
ROLL FOR INSTANT SHRINKAGE AND A DODGE
then hit it with the IV

>>9579614
Offer to buy it a drink.

>>9579614
Catch it, beat John with it. Then have a crab boil.

>>9579629
headcrab sex?
this is low for /b/ or /d/, let alone /tg/
dodge the fuck away

>>9579627
>>9579630
>>9579631
What is wrong with you people? We are the most perverted motherfucker around. We played FATAL AND WON. We let this thing jump on our dick, and we like it.

>>9579660
Thrust into it! Nay! THRUST THROUGH IT!!!

>>9579660
this

ATTEMPTING TO DODGE!

> 12 VS 10

You manage to roll out of the way before you suffer a fate worse than death, especially for this quest!

NOW WHAT DO!?

>>9579614
DODGE AND KICK

>>9579660
I think it depends on how high our secret sex stat is whether or not it would work...
hmm, Headcrab maid...

>>9579677
Cast Summon Bigger Fish

OFFER IT A JOB AS A MAID AND FUCK IT

>>9579677
urinate on it

what? we've already got prety much every other fetish covered, lets add watersports

>>9579677

RIP AND TEAR
YOU HAVE HUGE CRABS
THAT MEANS YOU AHD HUGE SEX
RIP AND TEAR YOUR CRAB

>>9579677
ATTACK WITH IV

>>9579677
KILLITKILLITKILLITKILLIT

>>9579677
FATALITY!

Or, alternatively, see if it wants to be a maid.

>>9579708
>>9579707
>>9579701
>>9579689
>>9579672
>>9579676
>>9579660
>>9579629

. . .

. . .

. . . oh dear God, what have I done. . .

. . . a few minutes later, there is a dead headcrab laying on the ground. . . and you're smoking a cigarette as John Freeman huddles in the corner, staring at you with a mixture of shock and awe.

>>9579677
Throw it at John Freeman!

... Or throw John Freeman at it!

Escape, look for maids!

>>9579701
>>9579733
you realize if we do that it will just turn one of our maids into a zombie, don't you?

>>9579741
Let's find our maids!

>>9579741
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Now, we get out of here and find our posse.

>>9579741
Murder John Freeman and then go maid searching.

>>9579741
well, now that that's out of the way, cover up, get John Freeman, find our maids, and GTFO before the military gets here

>>9579741
Go find our staff members.

Bring John to use as a shield.

>>9579780
woah woah woah
we are Chaotic Evil, but not insane murders
we have standards

>>9579789
this, bring the dead headcrab along in case we want some... relief along the way

make it clear to john that that's the reason we're doing it

>>9579804
We do indeed have standards. And that's why we can't let him continue to taint the human species with his existing.

>>9579741
Look at John Freeman in an appraising manner.

>>9579741
We just killed a headcrab AND its zombie with little more than an IV drip and our massive, gargantuan wang.

... Let's go find Sister Carmine, she'll want to hear this.

>>9579812
also,ask if he knows where they stuck our shotgun

>>9579812
I vote against bringing the headcrab
nobody must know about our sins
any John can't tell anyone about it coherently anyways

>>9579789
>>9579788
>>9579780
>>9579763
>>9579774

You zip up your pants and take a deep breath.

"OMG!" John Freeman wails. "You kiled ZOMBIE GOAST without WEPON!"

"When you have no weapons," you say. . . "you use what you've got."

You grab John Freeman to use him as a human shield, and you walk out of the hospital room.

You can now go E, W, or S.

WHAT DO?

>>9579804
What are you talking about man, we're Lawful Good through and through. Who else could hand out these kind of dickings?

>>9579830
"When you have no weapons..."

>>9579830
Dennis

>>9579843
"... you use what you've got."

>>9579830
S

>>9579853

>>9579830

Let's go down south and see what the hullabaloo is about.

>>9579868

You head South.

As you head south through the corridors, you hear something up ahead. . . sounds like a female voice and some angry monster voices too.

Up ahead, you see a large sign that reads, "BLAST PIT."

>>9579891
ready the IV of crabfucking and advance

>>9579830

Head in the direction that gunfire appears to be coming from.

>>9579891
>BLAST PIT
Sounds like just the place for us

And our cock

>>9579891
Forward!

>>9579891
DIVE IN

>>9579891

...Ffffffuck.

>>9579902

As you heft your IV and head on into the next room, you hear the voice more clearly.

As you peek into the room, you find Koyomi cowering in the corner. Her clothing is torn and she is screaming, "HELP HELP HELP!"

As she cowers, you see a green tentacle grab her by the ankle and start to drag her into the blast pit, screaming.

>>9579934
We may need something a bit heftier. Is there a crowbar nearby?

>>9579934
Oh damn no! We're not letting another maid get captured by tentacles! And probably raped as well, since she is Japanese. You know how these things happen. SAVE HER!

>>9579934
Yell, "OH HELL NO! I FUCKING HATE TENTACLES!"

And proceed to murder the fuck out of that thing.

>>9579946
this, but if not dive in anyways

>>9579934

Look for crowbar.

Call for Reginald and Carmine, WELL AWAY from the blast pit door.

We need to be silent to kill this thing.

>>9579934
BLOOD AND THUNDER

DEATH IS OUR NAME

>>9579934

Beat the tentacle with the IV pole. Distract the whatever the fuck it is with John. Keep screaming inappropriate nonsense like a madman.

>>9579934
grr, NOT AGAIN
grab any weapon in the immediate vicinity if there are any.
dash forward and grab Koyomi
get her out of harm's way and then KILL THAT FUCKER

>>9579934
Help her! IMMEDIATELY!

*Cue heroic soundtrack!*

>>9579934

We have serious trauma from tentacle on maid play.

KILL THE TENTACLE. PREFERABLY WITH FIRE.

>>9579934
Tell her that it uses sound to locate its prey

Naturally, scream this at the top of your lungs

>>9579934

Hit the tentacle! Then be very very quiet. We'll need some grenades to distract this fucker.

We need our shotgun and frag-12 rounds..

General opinion seems to be to charge in, so. . .

-----
With your bloodlust up, and screaming vengeance against evil tentacles, you charge in with your IV pole, howling bloody murder!

> 15 vs 6

The creature screams as your IV pole slams into it hard, forcing it to let go of Koyomi!

Koyomi screams out your name. "HELP!" she shouts again.

Behind her, you can see the tentacle start to recover and rear back for another strike. . .

>>9580025

Grab her and RUN.

Cover her mouth(Not her nose too) as we flee.

>>9580025
how about some tentacle rape, in reverse?

Send john out screaming to distract it. Then free our maid and GTFO back to the infirmary.

>>9580025
Grab her and run.

>>9580025
FLYING CRUSHING KNEE ATTACK

>>9580032
>>9580044

Seconded.

>>9580032
Seconding Grab Maid & Run, in that order.

>>9580025
Grab her and run. Drag her if we have to.

grab and run

>>9580025
Grab her and run like fuck.

>>9580059
>>9580056
>>9580047
>>9580044
>>9580032

You grab Koyomi and cover her mouth with your hand, dragging her away from the tentacle monster. "JOHN FREEMAN!" you shout, "GO AND FITE TEH COMBINE MONSTER AND SAEV TEH HUMENS!"

John runs into the blast pit, shouting, "I HAVE TO LIVE UP TO MY NAME AND FACE FULL LIFE CONSEQUENCES!" As the door slams shut behind him, you hear the tentacles immediately triangulate on his noise.

Koyomi clings to you as you drag her out of the blast pit chamber, sobbing. "It was horrible!" she wails. "Something went wrong in the anti-mass spectrometer chamber! They say a resonance cascade took place!"

"What happened? Where are Reginald and Carmine?"

"I don't know!" Koyomi sniffs. "I got separated from them after the lights went out! What should we do?"

>>9580085
...anal sex again? Last time that worked.

>>9580085
Hug her.

"I'm just glad you're okay... That thing didn't hurt you, did it?"

"We need to get some weapons... Come on. Where's the armory?"

>>9580085
Find some weapons, retrieve the sphere, get our maid and butler, and GTFO

>>9580107
i second this

>>9580085
Alright, Koyomi, we're going to come through this in one piece, alright? I promise you that. But to do that, I need you to calm down not panic. Now the first thing we need to do is figure out where we can find a crowbar. One for each of us, I hope.

>>9580085

Get back to the infirmary first, clean up any nasty-looking wounds on her. Grab her a new labcoat, too, if possible. As nice as it is to see her mostly naked body under torn clothes...

Then we head in a direction that we haven't been in. Ask Koyomi if she remembers enough of the layout to guide us.

>>9580085
Make sure she's okay. Find our maid, our butler, and our boomstick.

>>9580085

We need ARMOR, and WEAPONS, at least 1 crowbar, and preferably our SHOTGUN and all the AMMO we brought.

>>9580085
"Stay close, we'll get out of this."

Watch the fuck out for gargantuas.

>>9580107
This sounds good.

>>9580107

"The. . . the armory? I think it's that way, right past the hazard course," Koyomi says, "but I don't know how much it will help. I think they already broke out all the weapons."

"Well, it's better than waiting here. Let's go."

You take Koyomi's hand and head down the darkened corridors, towards the armory. . . as you do, you notice movement out of the corner of your eye, as something flits into a corner.

>>9580085
listen for sounds of smashing or exploding

if it's smashing it's carmine, find her

if it's exploding it's probably reginald, find him

>>9580148
PULL OUT OUR ASS CANNON AND CARRY ON

>>9580135
we need that AA12. We did not lug that kind of firepower here to not use it.

>>9580135
Correction: We need ARMER, WEPON, STOTGUN, and AMO.

>>9580148

Do we still have the IV pole ready? If so, ready it. If not, warm up our cock of headcrabslaying +1.

>>9580148
Carry on, quickly. We can't kill everything we face with an IV and our dick.

>>9580148

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK ASSASSIN.

GET THE ASS CANNON.

SCREAM WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY AT THE TOP OF OUR LUNGS.

>>9580148
prepare the ass cannon

I've heard of an ass-pull but we may be running this joke a bit thin.

>>9580148

What is it? Is it a Vortigaunt?

>>9580148
fuck the armory, we need to find where they put our stuff!

You pull your .38 out of your ass and raise it towards the shadowy figure. "FREEZE!" you scream.

A moment later, a small, round creature with a single huge eye runs out at you.

You hear a high pitched sound, like a camera flash being charged up. . .

>>9580214
SHOOT IT!

>>9580214

Strafe left and fire, make sure Koyomi follows.

>>9580209

where do you think they'd put guns, fucktard? The cafeteria? No. They'd put them in the Armory.

>>9580214
Don't the hounds have many small eyes placed to look like one?

Anyway, shoot it. Three times should be good, I think.

>>9580214
That thing must be getting really uncomfortable by now... Plus, it probably smells.

Anyway, cap this sucka, gangsta-style.

>>9580235
>>9580219

It looked like one huge eye on my shitty ass computer back in the day.

You run from it, firing like mad with your .38!

> 3 vs 3
> 9 vs 3
> 18 vs 1

. . . although your first shot goes wide, your second sends it sprawling, and the third renders it dead.

Koyomi flinches and huddles in your arms. "What. . . what IS that thing?" she whimpers. "What are these horrible. . . oh my! look at that thing! It's got this fascinating. . . I don't think I've ever seen an oculus of that type before!"

She runs up to the dead houndeye and starts to poke it with the end of her pen, studying the twitching, dying alien monster.

>>9580276
"you've got thirty seconds to study it before we're moving on, okay?"

>>9580276

Inform her of its capabilities.

I'm assuming we know Half-Life's various monsters and enemies.

>>9580276
"Scientific curiosity is great and all, but can it wait until after we're OUT of the Lab of Death?"

>>9580276
"Koyomi, we don't have time for this..."

Keep going towards the armory. There's probably more monsters where that came from anyway.

>>9580291
This. Be nice, but remind her we're on a time limit.

>>9580315
>>9580313
>>9580300
>>9580291

"We don't have time for this!" you say. "We have to press on to the armory. . ."

"But this is such an unusual scientific specimen!" Koyomi protests. "We can't just leave it here!"

"Fine, take thirty seconds, but after that we have to move on. We're running out of time here."

"All right, that will do fine," Koyomi says. She pulls out a notebook and a Gale Force 9 measuring take and starts to jot down notes on the creature's dimensions in her notebook.

Meanwhile, you take a deep breath and look around the corridor. Several of the fluorescent lights down the hall are swinging crazily off their mountings, making the entire area strobe most disconcertingly.

>>9580353
reload with ass ammo

>>9580353
Have a seizure. I say we're epileptic, and always have been. And those lights are just too strobey.

>>9580353

Those things travel in packs, let's GTFO!

>>9580353
after time is up, tell her to take a skin sample for genetic research and GTFO

>>9580353
These things travel alone, we should stay where we are.

Probably don't have to worry about keeping an eye out, either.

>>9580353
keep an eye out for Gman

>>9580378
You reload your weapon. . . it occurs to you that eventually you should probably see your proctologist about this. It can't be good for you.

-----
And with this, I'm gonna call it a night. Although this has been a relatively crappy night for Maid Quest, I'm gonna call it for now, and try again on Tuesday, when I might have some more inspiration.

I think I figured out the problem: BOOZE. I need more of it.

Also, someone archive these threads or something.

>>9580414
Well, if he shows up there's not much we can really do, since he has terrifying powers akin to a god. And we don't.

Alright, see you around, hopefully more boozy.

>>9580433
See you Tuesday. I did enjoy this tonight after we got knocked out. Since that's when action started, I guess.

Aw man, Tuesday is the day before finals. Oh well...

>>9580353

OONST OONST OONST

>>9580433

Well, now I know what day to pull an all-nighter on.

See you later man. Keep up the glorious work.