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  • File : 1299456195.jpg-(7 KB, 200x200, images.jpg)
    7 KB Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:03 No.14152616  
    ITT: Real life Machine Spirit moments

    >Plug in MP3 player into computer after waking up
    >take it out later
    >didnt change
    >won't turn on
    >text friend who I bought it off from, tell him it's broken
    >hold power button
    >works, plug into computer
    >text friend "It's cool bro, I lit some incense"
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:05 No.14152634
    Anyone gonna make fun of the misspelling or shall I run with it?
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:06 No.14152654
    He normally speaks with machines
    We can't expect him to have perfect grammar
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:08 No.14152662
    If he works with machines shouldn't he have really, perfect grammar? For programming and the like.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:09 No.14152679
    Yea sorry just an image I found on yahoo images.
    I dont have any advice tech priest:(
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:12 No.14152706
    >grandfather has computer issue
    >walk in
    >look at it
    >click two things
    >it is fixed
    >"How you do that sonny?"
    >"Hell if I know, I just clicked the first thing that felt right."
    >"That doesn't make sense, you have to know what you are doing."
    >Later on, when he's not looking, pat computer.
    >"Good machine spirit."
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:14 No.14152732
    >Grandpa says phone not getting signal
    >Look at it
    >Ringer is off, turn it on, hand it back
    >"How did you know that?"
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:15 No.14152750
    >be browsing the internet
    >fuck, I want some toast
    >light some incense
    >anoint the toaster with unguents and oils
    >apply bread
    >begin prayers of toastification
    >recieve toast
    >chuckle at OP's INTALL BEER TAP
    >POAST while eating motherfucking TOAST
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:16 No.14152766
    >playing D&D at friends house
    >roll nat 20 on an important save
    >computer that's been off all day makes a ding! noise
    >after initial awesomeness of the moment we get kind of creeped out when we see the computer is completely off and there is nothing else that could have made the noise
    >"let's go outside for a bit"
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:25 No.14152866
    > Computer at college won't turn on
    > Teacher raging because he has some presentation to give us
    > Walk up to said computer
    > Caress it and push the on-button
    > Screen flicks on
    > Loudly proclaim "Machine Spirit" and proceed to refer to myself as Enginseer.
    > Treat my best friend to a Snickers post-class for putting the plug in at the right time in the back off the class.

    Even the Mechanicum can cheat.
    >> Techpriest Ishmael 03/06/11(Sun)19:26 No.14152886
    >Go visit moms place
    >She asks if I want some coffee.
    >Coffee machine dosen't work, keeps asking for a water refill, even thou water tank is full.
    >make a cog sign on the machine and mutter a short prayer to the spirit, asking for it's favour and press start.
    >get delicious coffee
    Do not underestimate the power of the machine spirit!
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:29 No.14152919
    >playing xbox
    >Get a soda
    >Red Ring of Death
    >Caress the xbox, turn it off and ask it nicely to work.
    >It plays
    >4 months later, still no RROD.

    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:30 No.14152944
    >Grandma calls me in, telling me the internet won't accept her password.
    >I take one look at it, type the password.
    >It accepts.
    >She asks me how I did it.
    >"You just have to placate the machine spirit."
    >This happens at least once a week.
    >I NEVER have problems with this computer. She has them all the time.
    >The same is true of school computers, computers at friend's houses, etc.

    I am to techpriests what the horse whisperer was to farmers and ranchers.
    >> Dr. Baron von Evilsatan 03/06/11(Sun)19:32 No.14152958
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    >>Middle of OH MY FUCK season for postgraduate law, 250% of assignments due
    >>Have been typing like the Fist of the North Star for three weeks
    >>Three days since last I slept voluntarily
    >>Everything due tomorrow
    >>Massive storm outside complements mood perfectly
    >>7000 of 8000 words done one final assignment, all the rest will basically write itself
    >>Sit back and relax, exhale
    >>Computer makes that 'gwoo' shotdown noise and blacks out
    >>Distinct smell of burning electricals
    >>Very slowly reach for power button; fails to work
    >>Reset every circuit in the house twice, get power back online to exactly one plug
    >>Find powerboards, move entire rig to working hallway plug
    >>Still won't work
    >>Take apart EVERYTHING
    >>Plug everything into everything else
    >>Everything is fine except the power supply
    >>The power supply is completely fried and slightly molten
    >>Review options; all none of them
    >>Panic worse
    >>Scream out of a window
    >>Desperate times call for fanatical measures
    >>Acquire book of hymns in Latin
    >>Lay computer flat on table in hallway, draw runic circle around it with blue chalk
    >>Etch sigil of the Omnissiah, begin chanting hymns
    >>Continue hymns while plugging everything back in and putting it all in place
    >>Ring tiny bell three times, chant 'Awaken, great one', press power button
    >>Computer is still working to this day
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:34 No.14152974
    >Wake up.
    >After my initial prayers to the Omnissiah, light some incense.
    >Decide I would like to post on 4chan.
    >Recite the litany of powering on for forty-five minutes, then attempt to start the computer.
    >It doesn't turn on. I quickly realize my mistake.
    >Apologize to friend-computer, apply sacred unguents, and light decorative candles. Say a prayer in its name.
    >Recite the litany again, push button. This time it works.
    >Recite the litany of praise. Repeat all previous steps (barring the initial mistake) to turn on my monitor, and speakers.
    >Begin chanting in machine code to awaken the human interface devices.
    >Wait for the machine to become ready. Login using my mechanicus ID.
    >Go on to 4chan. Recite the litany of posting in a mechanicus thread.
    >Type this up.
    >Magos comes along, sees me on 4chan. Get in deep shit with the mechanicus.

    Thanks guys.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:35 No.14152988
    >car won't start
    >close eyes, recite that litany that starts with "look to your wargear and shall protect you"
    >finish litany
    >put key back in ignition, turn it
    >car starts
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:38 No.14153019
    >USB port isn't working very well
    >Unplug my device, light incense
    >Run my finger over port to see if anything lose
    >Push the middle separator in just ever so slightly
    >USB port works again
    >Praise Machine Spirit

    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:38 No.14153027
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    > Professor is mad because the computer wont work.
    >He calls for the university tech guy.
    >He can't fix the problem.
    >Walk up and talk to the computer.
    >Ask the computer "Why are you in such a bad mood today?" while caring it.
    >I respond to the pc "That's it? I'll them to be gentle with you Ok. Now please would you start the presentation?"
    >Computer works just fine.
    > I tell the class "See with good maners and some love everything works"
    >Tech guy, professor and the class are all confused.

    I simply check the connections and press them tight
    >> Ted 03/06/11(Sun)19:39 No.14153035
    >Turn key to start trukk
    >Engine wont turn over
    >Trukk starts.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:40 No.14153054
    I seriously have stuff like this all the time, sometimes I sing or hum to my computer to get it to download faster.

    I have this paranoid obsession with making sure that all my discs are in the right boxes, because I'm worried they'll be offended if I leave them in another game's box.

    I seriously have no trouble picturing the machincus in 40K.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:43 No.14153075
    >Nerf fight with friends.
    >Vulcan machinegun jammed, top hatch will not open.
    >Use other weapons until there's a lull in fighting and the other team falls out of sight to regroup and plan.
    >You know that Heavy Bolter ammo case that was released with 5th ed?
    >I store vulkan belts in it. Read it. "Hazard: Danger of pre-detonation if used unblessed."
    >Produce Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer
    >Litany of Loading
    >Give fixing it another another try
    >Praise the Machine God, the spirit yet lives!
    >Get slaughtered by next wave in spite of fixing the gun.

    Whatever happens, you will not be missed.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:45 No.14153096
    >laptop freezes
    >Hit it, making visible indent
    >laptop unfreezes
    >Offer up prayer to Khorne in thanks.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:46 No.14153113
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    That's my whole job.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:47 No.14153126
    >Wifi receiver on floor under my desk.
    >Routinely malfunctions.
    >Howl a curse upon it's machine spirit, and land a couple stomps on it with my heel.
    >Works, until next time.

    >Dark Mechanicus
    >> Cool Shades 03/06/11(Sun)19:48 No.14153142

    Dat's sum mekboy know-whats
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)19:52 No.14153184
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    My machines work fine despite how much my family complains whilst using them. The trick is not complaining. A happy machine spirit is an efficient machine spirit!

    Picture is semi-related lumps of stuff I found in my Dad's cupboard and photographed for art.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:00 No.14153280
    Machine Empathy!
    > Laptop Laptop Laptop
    > There is deep. abiding love between us.
    > Digitizing notes on bed, need to pee.
    > Stand up, trip.
    > SCRUNCH oh god oh god oh god
    > Screen smashed.
    > Cry for an hour.
    > Buy sexy new netbook the next day.
    > Netbook, Netbook, Netbook.
    > May/December Romance.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:00 No.14153292
    are all of these litanies and prayers in the guardsmans' uplifting primer?
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:04 No.14153321
    >Stroking my computer when it starts making noises that ain't normal.
    >Mentally quoting the end of Serenity RE: ships
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:04 No.14153327
    >Get laptop when directx 7 was the highest number directx.
    >Breaks juuuust after warranty ends
    >Try to get it fixed in the shop
    >No luck, no warranty
    >Try to fix it myself by use of duct tape, a bunch of screws and some junk I had laying around.
    >Sigh loudly, and gently pat and stroke the laptop, thanking it for the time it worked great.
    >Try to turn it on one last time before giving up
    >It works
    >Still works up to today
    >Can run most new games and programs fine today without problem, never seems to run out of memory.

    I am blessed.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:06 No.14153345
    you see, it was just asking for a little bit of caring attention. It knows you approve of it when it works properly, so it strives to continue working as best as it can so you can always have high approvals of it.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:11 No.14153373
    Sometimes I'm a bit orkish in my fixing of machines, but most of the time I worship the machine spirits. but an example of one of my mekboy successes:

    >12 years old
    >own two broken sega genesis consoles, one won't show video and the other has broken control ports
    >I use my broken 32x to rig cables seemingly randomly between the three devices
    >Suddenly I have a working genesis. It doesn't have perfect video output, but who cares about that?
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:11 No.14153376
    I'm in actual, emotional love with my laptop.
    I bombard it with affection and it gives me pleasure.
    If my laptop had genitals I would have marry it.
    I know that this is weird, but don't care.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:12 No.14153383
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    lol'd hard
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:12 No.14153384
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    I try to live as if this was true. Just in case.

    But yeah. Whenever asked for tech-help (which is kind of often,) I recommend prayer if I don't know, and I whisper sweet nothings to my computer frequently.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:12 No.14153386

    I do this too.

    When my laptop's system board got fried, I had the choice of replacing the system board, or buying a new computer for about the same price.

    I couldn't just give up my laptop. We've been through so much together.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:21 No.14153471
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    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:22 No.14153495
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    >downloading fatboy slim's discography
    >going superslow
    >I slam my hands and shout damn you to hell
    >computer screen turns black
    >red liquid comes out of the tower
    >hits me in the face
    >fills up the room with this liquid
    >liquid is a combo between oil and blood
    >grandmother comes and randomly visits
    >"oh my, call your grandfather he'll fix it"
    >tell grampa I've displeased the machine spirit
    >"I'll be right over."
    >he comes over with about 50 bucks worth of incense
    >we light it all while house is slowly filling with oil/blood
    >we recite all the prayers in the book he received as an AC tech
    >liquid slowly drains
    >computer turns back on
    >Fatboy slim discography completely downloaded with 500 kbps speedupload
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:28 No.14153548

    I'd find that weird, but I've just noticed that I have a habit of brushing dust off my monitor like one would caress a lover's face, so... yeah....
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:34 No.14153615
    Not my story but one from my older brother:

    >builds his own gaming machine
    >pops it down by his desk and doesn't move it for a good four years of use
    >over these four years it slowly becomes encased in filth
    >stray tobacco, cola drippings, melted candy, cigarette ash, dog ends, dust and probably more
    >eventually he gets around to cleaning his desk area
    >gives the PC tower a good clean
    >everything runs three times as slowly as before
    >doesn't return to normal operating specs until it's once more encrusted with filth

    Papa Nurgle loev machine spirit.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:35 No.14153618
    >Long trip going home
    >no battery on mp3
    >pray for juice just for one song
    >It works
    >Hear Machine Messiah-Yes

    Praise the Machine Spirit
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:40 No.14153675
    >Listen to song "Damn the Machine"
    >Bitchin' song, sing along under my breath
    >Don't sing the titular 'machine' of the chorus, just in case. Apologize to ipod when I forget and do.

    Probably unnecessary. We all know macs don't have machinespirits.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:41 No.14153688
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    >Last summer
    >Ipod Mini I've had for 4+ years stops working over summer
    >try to charge it, still doesn't work
    >leave it alone for 2 months
    >decide to try one last time before pitching it
    >Ask it kindly to work
    >Screen turns on, proceed to charge it successfully

    Still works to this day
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:43 No.14153702

    It's okay Macs are born retarded and probably can't understand you that well anyway.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:46 No.14153736
    >internet on smartphone stops working
    >take it to phone store, female technician takes a look at it.
    >while performing diagnostics and the most common fixes, she asks it to work very nicely while holding it.
    >she hands it back, has no idea what was wrong, but now it works
    >machine spirit just needed the caress of a woman
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:48 No.14153762
    speculations: if the device was built/assembled in a non-english speaking location, will they still understand the prayers?
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:49 No.14153774
    Did oil get on her hands?
    DI hope she washed her hands after?
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:52 No.14153812
    The Machine understands all languages.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:53 No.14153823

    Why would a smart phone have oil?
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:56 No.14153860
    i didn't see any, but with all these advancements they keep making with those kind of devices, it might have still have left some sweet, sweet machine self-lubricants
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:58 No.14153875
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    >trying Crysis 2 multiplayer demo
    >fans start blowing like mad
    >game still slow as shit
    >everything freezes

    I have insulted the Machine Spirit.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)20:58 No.14153878
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    >At robotics tourny
    >, motors keep stalling, program refuses to work
    >We are frustrated
    >mutter "for the omnisiah"
    >works perfectly
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:00 No.14153892
    I are an engineer, not a English major!
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:01 No.14153899
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    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:02 No.14153907
    >Work as a technician, very knowledgable about electronic/computer repair.
    >Act like Ad Mech at work, pretend that repairing computers are about praising the omnissiah.
    >Thank the machine spirits after they comply.

    >Weeks later, I find out a bunch of our staff in a wing of the building have started doing the same thing prior to calling me.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:04 No.14153930
    not really incense

    but phone stop working 3 days out of warranty, wont turn on

    get shitty and go into room where friends are smoking weed.
    throw it onto table bounce 3 times and falls on floor.

    5 minutes later phone turns on, it just needed to mellow out
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:04 No.14153936
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    Dear anon my laptop was assembled in China, and I always pray to it in my native tongue, Spanish, and it works.
    Machines do not care about what you actually say, they care about what you feel.

    In relation to the thread, my mother usually calls me about her computer making weird noises when powering it down or turning it on. And when I go to check it, it never does anything and works perfectly, but to say the truth I noticed I always give a little tap to the screen; I think it has something to do with it being my old desktop pc.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:05 No.14153941
    >at some departments store trying to figure out the price of something
    >The price checker isn't working
    >I say, "Work, you infernal contraption"
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:09 No.14153969
    thanks for the input, the few times I have attempted placation, i just assumed it was a verbal thing, but maybe its some kind of empathetic thing
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:12 No.14153994
    I've got a few
    >in filmmaking course during the summer
    > team lets me take a break from all the technical stuff and gets their chance to edit
    >not 5 minutes does the computer start to act up and they call for my assistance
    >walk back to computer and place hand on tower as rest of team backs off to let me do my thing
    >goto diagnose the problem and see whats up, editing program unfreezes the second I place my hand on the tower
    >Team members ask nervously whats wrong
    >turn around and reply with "nothing, s'all good"

    >In art class
    >chick setting next to me raging over her ipod touch and how its constantly freezing
    >asks me if I know how to fix it
    >I asked if she knew how to restart it, and she did, but it kept freezing anyway
    >she hands me the ipod in a frozen state
    >ipod returns to functioning state in my hands
    >I ask her a few months later to see if her ipod is still acting up
    > no problems since I looked at it

    >on the bus, making my way home
    >decide to listen to some music and whip out ipod
    >browsing for music
    >get a strange vibe, that something is wrong
    >5 seconds later, ipod freezes
    >become surprised at the premonition
    > got home and thanked the machine spirits.

    I got the magic touch, /tg/
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:12 No.14153995
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    >Completely unplug computer one day, move it into another room
    >Plug it all back in again later
    >It won't boot properly
    >Look inside, nothing seems to be damaged
    >Try swapping out parts with backups, nothing works
    >Can't figure out what's wrong
    >Weeks later, unplug and replug keyboard
    >It works
    >Praise the Omnissiah

    >Months later, take a class about assembling electronics and shit
    >Professor mentions one day that removing the keyboard incorrectly can cause errors in some computers
    >Mfw the machine spirits had nothing to do with it
    >Everything I know is a lie
    >Turn to chaos
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:12 No.14153998
    This thread amuses me.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:15 No.14154042
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    >writing little game for programming class
    >always smoke pot when I program
    >always listen to reggae when I program
    >professor stops me one day after I turn in my project
    >"Anon, I don't know what the FUCK you wrote or how it works, but it does."
    >mfw I don't know either, and got an A anyways

    Mechanicus Rastafari
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:19 No.14154081
    >Repair and custom build PC's for a living
    >Most computers start working as soon as I plug them in and show a little affection
    >Give sympathy while stroking the case when I find spyware/virus/trojan and promptly delete it.
    >Always able to retrieve files form the hard drive if it's too far gone
    >give advice to the pc for how to avoid it next time
    >mfw I'm a techdoctor
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:20 No.14154102
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    Should have replied by saying "deep magic."
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:21 No.14154107

    I have to ask. Does doing stuff while high- Well, is it anywhere better? I tried pot once- And I didn't particular feel like doing anything. I admittedly felt very mellow, and that was my sole experience- But I'd hardly want to start writing or doing something like programming.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:25 No.14154159

    It varies from person to person. I like programming high because I become extremely focused and can somehow juggle all of the variables and functions I'm using in my head. But I work an IT where I constantly have to multitask and I find pot's terrible for that.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:25 No.14154162
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    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:26 No.14154166
    You have a terrible teacher.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:29 No.14154192
    You need to pick your choice of weed carefully, or just use hashish.

    You need a weed that will make you think outside the box, a weed that takes away your sense of time, BUT it mustn't make you lethargic (at least, not so much you can't work anymore).

    Back in the days when I had to make HANDDRAWN animations at the academy, I did that with some nice "work weed".

    You slowly come down from the high, and you realise you just drew 460 frames. Feels good man.
    >just remember, it only works for some people. not everyone.
    >> Technomancer 03/06/11(Sun)21:32 No.14154243
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    I hate you all guys.

    >MFW I'm the trope "bane of technology" made flesh, and coffee machines cease to work when I'm nearby, metal detectors ring up even when I'm without my shit...

    >MFW I have to use "Technomancer" as a name.

    >MFW I'm a robosexual and foreveralone.jpg even if my fantasy comes true.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:34 No.14154264
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    > New Laptop has built-in microphone.
    > W7 has built-in voice activation
    > The Machine Spirit now responds more rapidly to prayers.
    > MFW
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:39 No.14154329
    >>T.V doesn't like turning on the first try
    >>Have to turn it on multiple times after letting it warm up
    >>Call it fickle and a bitch
    >>The Machine God is cruel
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)21:59 No.14154620
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    > Monitor's on the fritz.
    > Pic Related
    > Shocks my lip, but works perfectly afterwords.
    Machines need love too!
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)22:10 No.14154756
    I had these moments all the time back on my old desktop.

    About 6 years back I got a desktop for Christmas. It was a bigass thing that my family and I nicknamed "The Monolith".

    I don't know the first thing when it comes to computers, but whenever something wasn't right, we worked it out. I'd say some reassuring words, I'd push the power button, thank The Monolith, and it would be business as usual.

    And so, for 6 years The Monolith served as my computer. My free time not spent was friends was spent on The Monolith, doing everything from playin' vidya, browsing /tg/, to watching shows, movies, streams, you name it.Eventually the Monolith just became another part of my life.

    It wasn't till I got back home 3 weeks ago did I find The Monolith dying.

    Videos distorted, constant crashes, soon The Monolith couldn't stay on for 5 minutes. I tried everything, and eventually took it to repair. The guy said that everything was fried. Just about everything would have to be replaced, and it'd be a hell of a lot more expensive than buying a new one. He said the thing should have stopped working years ago.

    We've been through so much shit together, you know? Too many games, movies, shows, and good times to count. I left the shop, but not before patting The Monolith one last time to say goodbye.

    Be nice to your machines. You miss them a lot more than you think you will when they're gone.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)22:26 No.14154916
    >Guitar amp is buzzing
    >check cables and pedal, all fine
    >check effects patch, no change
    >check RCA plugs in back, no change
    >smack the living shit out of amp, buzz goes away.
    >All hail.
    >> Violet !!erCpmb+Sv1e 03/06/11(Sun)22:27 No.14154929
    >"Can you fix my laptop, it's fucked"
    >"Sure man bring it over"
    >boot laptop
    >what the fuck is this, mathematical symbols and gibberish all over the screen
    >other friend thinks it's doomed
    >format and install windows
    >gibberish still on screen
    >go to bed
    >get up, check laptop
    >gibberish gone
    >install drivers, give back to friend
    >"what did you do?"
    >"fuck if I know, it works."

    Poor thing just needed a night in a reassuring environment, I guess.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)22:29 No.14154946
    >install songs on mp3 player
    >mp3 crashes and doesn't work anymore
    >punch mp3 and chuck at wall
    >shout incoherently and curbstomp, cracking screen
    >suddenly works again
    >Blood for the blood god
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)22:41 No.14155070
    >ball bearing on computer fan going out
    >smash fist into side of case, denting it
    >fan stops making grating noise
    >fan works perfectly
    >Skulls for the skull throne
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)22:44 No.14155121
    >Computer having some issues
    >Take it to repair shop
    >They can't even boot it up
    >Computers motherboard is fried
    >Can't afford a repair, take it back home
    >It still works for me
    >No one else can turn it on

    Aww yeah.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)22:47 No.14155156
    You have a short circuit somewhere. Probably a loose bit of wire or other conductive material got into your computer somehow and shorted it out. When you moved the case it knocked the debris causing the short loose, and so the motherboard worked again.

    Clean your computer out you slob.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)22:49 No.14155176
    >Brothers computer won't start due to virus
    >take computer into my room
    >lay on side and open case, plug everything in and press power
    >computer starts normally, log onto his account without password
    >delete porn folder
    >turn off computer and give back to brother
    >computer still won't start
    >smash top of case with palm
    >computer starts
    >Where's your Omnissiah now fuckers?
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/06/11(Sun)22:50 No.14155188
    >Driving 13 year old Jeep.
    >It's on it's third engine, third transmission
    >Driving in traffic.
    >come to a stop at a light
    >Jeep makes godawful noise, check engine light comes on, overheated light comes on
    >Pop hood
    >Get out and prop hood up.
    >Smoke. Foul smoke everywhere.
    >Nothing looks damaged.
    >Holding up traffic.
    >Put hood down, get back in Jeep.
    >Turn key.
    >Horrific sound
    >Turn key
    >Horrific sound
    >Pray to the Omnissiah to bless this, the least of His creations, that it may once again carry out its function.
    >Turn key
    >Jeep starts
    >6 Years later
    >Jeep catches on fire while driving it.
    >Pull over to edge of highway, get out
    >Grab gallon jug of water kept in jeep in case of overheating
    >Throw it on the flames
    >flames go out
    >Get back in Jeep
    >Pray to the Omnissiah
    >Turn Key
    >Jeep Starts
    >10 miles later
    >Godawful metallic screech from engine compartment
    >Start praying to the omnissiah
    >Jeep catches on fire again
    >Turn jeep off
    >Get out
    >Flames die down
    >Pop hood
    >Pully for serpentine belt has broken
    >Engine running without fan
    >Continue praying to the omnissiah
    >Get back in Jeep
    >Turn Key
    >Jeep starts
    >Drive, slowly, two miles to destination
    >Get out
    >Still alive
    >Praise the Omnissiah
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)22:52 No.14155208
    Doing it RIGHT. (Evidently. I mean, christ.)
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)22:54 No.14155230
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    >leave iPod plugged in too long
    >battery becomes weak and spineless
    >carefully wean it off long spins on the recharge wire
    >clean out its little ports regularly, never use it for more than an hour at a time
    >returns to perfect condition
    >fuck yeah
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)22:54 No.14155235
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    I don't have any stories to share, beyond the fact that I say "Praise the Omnissiah" every time tech starts working again after it had stopped.

    That said...

    I have *literally* no idea how computers work.

    I mean, I'm not stupid or anything, I'm fairly smart in some respects, but really, when it comes to technology, as far as I'm concerned, there *are* machine spirits.

    I've been praying to them since before I knew what the AdMech was. When my xbox RROD'd a year or two ago, I started asking it not to, very, very nicely.

    I talk to machines all the time, and I seriously have no idea how they work.

    My favorite color is red, too.

    >mfw when I'm a techpriest.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)22:56 No.14155261
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    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)22:58 No.14155274
    Coding syntax and human linguistic grammar are so different from one another that you couldn't be more wrong. Even if you bring up Lojban, which you didn't think to because you're wrong and ignorant, you'd still be off the mark because tech priests speak with machines in bursts of binary and not word constructs.

    Fucking kids.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)22:59 No.14155278
    >bro has problem with his computer, wont turn on
    >friend comes over
    >is expert for computers and IT guy
    >tries several things, the computer still refuses to start
    >after an hour, they decide to give up
    >I ask if I can try
    >they say sure
    >I push the start button while saying "FOR OMNISIAH!"
    >Computer turns on
    >Computer never had that problem again

    The machine spirits are listening, you just have to remember them from time to time what they work for.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:00 No.14155294
    >riding bike through park
    >chain snaps in half and falls off
    >break out incense and anointments
    >cover chain and pray to omnissiah
    >put chain back on and glue it
    >wait half an hour and get on bike
    >chain snaps
    >get off bike
    >grab chain and throw 15 feet away
    >walk bike over to chain
    >pick up chain, in one piece
    >put chain back on and ride home

    There's a reason I went fuckin Chaos.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:02 No.14155317
    This seems the right place to ask. Where can I get some kind of AdMech bumper sticker?

    I want one for my car now.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:06 No.14155359
         File1299470777.jpg-(236 KB, 678x1024, Dorn Method.jpg)
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    It is good to see so many following the teachings of Dorn.

    >Machine spirits don't work? Smack shit until they do.
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/06/11(Sun)23:08 No.14155388

    That Jeep is currently beneath me in the garage. It still runs (despite hole in rear passenger side floorboard where catalytic converter overheated once and floor caught fire, damaging connection of catalytic converter to muffler, allowing exhaust fumes to leak into cabin).


    Step 1. Buy incense
    Step 2. Buy nice awl
    Step 3. Get some extra virgin, first cold pressing, olive oil
    Step 4. Light incense
    Step 5. Anoint area of bumper where Mechanicum logo is to be applied with oil while reciting the Litany of Anointing
    Step 6. Light more incense
    Step 7. Pray to the Omnissiah that he might bless this humble vehicle, that it may never cease in providing a safe, functional means of transportation from one destination to another, until iron sinks in mercury.
    Step 8. Anoint the awl with oil while reciting the Litany of Preparation for Inscription
    Step 9. Light more incense
    Step 10. Recite the Litany of Inscription while inscribing Admech emblem into anointed area of vehicle with anointed awl
    Step 11. Praise the Omnissiah
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:10 No.14155414
    Makes perfect sense.

    Also, your jeep is totally awesome. Er... the machine-spirit of it is, I mean.

    Where could I get the sticker itself, though? Google has failed me.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:12 No.14155440
    That's why you have an awl. Carve it yourself.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:13 No.14155455
    I feel like carving metal would be disrespectful to the machine's, well, spirit.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:14 No.14155470
    That's why you anointed everything and you pray to the Omnissiah. It's not an insult if its blessed.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:15 No.14155494
         File1299471344.png-(4 KB, 129x130, 1235098245749.png)
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    >Techmarine for USMC helo squadron
    >AdMech symbol patch on cranial helmet
    >Random latin prayers written in sharpie on various parts
    >Generally make squadmates think I'm kinda touched
    >Fixed shit faster, better, more reliably
    >gave patch to newbie who played 40k when I retired, told him to carry on the tradition

    Fuck yeah, IRL Techmarine. Pic related, it's the picture I gave to the hadji seamstress to make the patch with.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:16 No.14155505
         File1299471406.jpg-(56 KB, 500x332, 1270244162798.jpg)
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    Gallon of water == Sacred Unguents
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/06/11(Sun)23:17 No.14155507
         File1299471422.jpg-(19 KB, 330x330, ad_mech_logo.jpg)
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    1. Light incense
    2. Begin the Ritual of Acquisition of Attachment for the image of this post.
    3. Navigate to Google.com
    4. Enact the Ritual of Searching with the aim of "Make Your Own Bumper Sticker"
    5. Pick a site
    6. Praise the Omnissiah

    As to the Jeep, as long as you tend to a machine's machine spirit, and provide it with care, and see to it that no harm intentionally befalls it, and that any such wounds that entropy might inflict upon it are mended with due skill and swiftness, it will serve you for many orbits of your planet around its primary to come.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:19 No.14155542
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    That is so fucking awesome. Have a pug spazzing over food.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:19 No.14155548

    that is the best story yet
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:23 No.14155588

    Doing so now. I can't believe I'm that retarded.

    Praise the Omnissiah, and wish me luck.

    Do techpriests believe in luck?
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:24 No.14155592
    >At tabletop tournament with friends
    >Friend broke several tau figurines last match when damage table shook
    >Approached me for help
    >Broke out plastic glue and several random bitz from my case
    >Tabletop surgery with Ork Bitz on Tau Fire Warriors
    >Returned figurines and watched friend win Tournament, got 50% of prize cash for bein' a zoggin' nurse
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:26 No.14155620
    Looks like someone is a little new to this. I suggest you read up on a techpriest codex while you're on google.
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/06/11(Sun)23:27 No.14155634

    Luck is illogical.
    However, there are some problems that cannot be resolved via rational means.
    And sometimes, "luck" is just things that you don't know about.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:30 No.14155675
    >At my mother's house
    >Stepfather can't get ice maker on refrigerator to work
    >He starts swearing at it
    >I tell him that will only make the machine less likely to do what he wants it to do
    >He apologizes
    >It works perfectly
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/06/11(Sun)23:33 No.14155697
    >playing a game of 40K with a friend
    >He's playing Black Legion
    >Using Abaddon
    >Can't find his Abaddon figure
    >Take extra space marine I have
    >Light incense
    >Take out exacto knife
    >get blade between body and shoulder pad/arm assembly on one side
    >pressed down and twist
    >arm pops off.
    >repeat for other side
    >hand friend armless space marine
    >friend now has an abaddon
    >praise the Omnissiah
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:35 No.14155722
    >can't sleep one night
    >bored as shit
    >look online for custom made ork vehicles
    >computer stops working
    >look inside case
    >wire is loose
    >used random bitz of wire and tape
    >works just as good
    >browse /tg/ instead

    >2 hours later
    >still bored as shit
    >get my glue, plasticard and dremel
    >30 minutes later have the shell for a battlewagon
    >30 more minutes and I have custom made tank treads for it
    >1 hour later
    >battlewagon is complete
    >looks better than GW model
    >it's good to be an ork

    Few days later

    >friend stops playing 40k
    >ha plays necrons
    >gives me all his stuff
    >he had 3 monoliths
    >rip out the jewels in the top
    >make a stand for my warboss
    >add tank treads to bottom
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:37 No.14155753
         File1299472658.jpg-(79 KB, 600x530, techpriestsurprise.jpg)
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    >Install new ram into computer
    >Blue screens
    >Machine Spirits Displeased
    >Have Tech-Priest bro take a look at it
    >Says the RAM is fine
    >Reinstall RAM, saying proper litanies
    >Pray to Omnissiah that it works
    >Works fine, use computer, checks RAM, only sees that it uses 4 of the 6 gigs
    >Tech-Priest bro says its fine
    >Turn off PC after use, turn on later that day
    >Check to see how much RAM it has, says 6 gigs
    >Checks RAM, says it has 4, works fine

    Fucking Machine Spirits, how do they work
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/06/11(Sun)23:39 No.14155771

    You have a 32 bit operating system and can only address 4GB of Memory.
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/06/11(Sun)23:43 No.14155807

    Or you need to install the RAM sticks in pairs and having only 3 2GB sticks (I assume) is causing some major hardware errors.

    Or the timings and other sundry things could be wrong, particularly if you've mixed and matched RAM.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:56 No.14155916
    looks more like he's waving.
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:57 No.14155927
    >iPod stops working
    >throw it at the wall as usual
    >Notice it didn't make an impact sound
    >look out the window, iPod is flying across my back garden
    >sprint down the stairs praying to the Omnissiah
    >iPod working fine
    >> Anonymous 03/06/11(Sun)23:59 No.14155948
    >Girl needs help with her computer
    >Take out sword stab the comptuer yell "another machine spirit slain"
    >Proceed to kill girl for the blood god
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:02 No.14155982
    This made me lol uncontrollably.

    Is there a chaos god of amusement?
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:03 No.14155991
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:04 No.14156006
    Too bad you only appeased Khorne.
    If you had raped her, that's Slaanesh.
    If you dedicated her corpse to Nurgle...win.

    Tzeench can never be happy, because if he's happy, nothing can change. And if nothing can change, he doesn't exist.

    Tsk tsk, novice Chaos.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:06 No.14156031
    I guess so.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:07 No.14156041
    But change cannot be happy with no change. So as such, Tzeench plots constantly and has gratification, but can never have a goal.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:11 No.14156078
    But then you would be stuck with the no change, unless you changed back to changing, I suppose. So being gratified and taking the occasional break from change would allow for double-changes, which is more change, and thus better.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:12 No.14156086
         File1299474720.png-(15 KB, 546x566, 1280872861683.png)
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    Regardless. This is a techpriest thread.

    >sister whines her phone is broken
    >hands me phone
    >phone has nothing wrong with it, ask what happened
    >sister said phone was vibrating constantly
    >open phone and see she missed a call
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:14 No.14156110
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    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:14 No.14156114

    If you want to argue about it take it to a new thread. This is Omnissiah miracles and other assorted tech stories. Please, take it somewhere else.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:14 No.14156122
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    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/07/11(Mon)00:16 No.14156144
    Well, I'm about to chant the Prayers of Deactivation, a Binary Hymn of White Noise plays in the background, and depress the Rune of Activation on my Cogitator, as my organic systems require a period of inactivity for renewal and refreshment.

    Praise the Omnissiah.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:18 No.14156168

    Praise the Omnissiah.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:19 No.14156176
    That's obvious.
    Fuck the girl -> Slaanesh
    Get the girl preggy, best by using secretly broken condoms -> Tzeentch, if you infect her with something, Nurgle bonus points
    Kill both -> Khorne, if the kill is especially beautiful, Slaanesh bonus points
    Let the corpse decay -> Nurgle, Slaanesh bonus points for fucking the corpse

    All gods pleased.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:20 No.14156180
    My old roommate works litanies and prayers to the Emperor into his programming assignments.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:25 No.14156233
    >treat power tools with affection and kindness
    >work fucking miracles, cut nails down the middle with a 30-pound portable bandsaw and shit

    Does this count?
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:29 No.14156277
    Ehh... I guess so. Not much of a miracle besides just a weird power tool fetish it sounds like to me.
    >> Violet !!erCpmb+Sv1e 03/07/11(Mon)00:38 No.14156362
    Oh! I remembered another one.

    >With Dad in truck
    >Been having starter issues
    >Go to rent car trailer
    >He turns off truck
    >Truck won't start
    >Ignition locked
    >He begins to rage
    >"Dad, let me try."
    >"You're not gonna be able to do it!"
    >"If I can't do anything it won't hurt to let me try. Get outta the seat."
    >Tenderly jostle steering wheel and key in random fashion
    >Engine roars to life
    >"I win forever!"
    >You're fucking welcome, Dad.
    >And Dad was happy, the end.

    He did have to replace the starter soon after, though.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)00:43 No.14156400
    >Cat manages to make my laptop fall.
    >Screen is cracked and I can literally feel intense pain emitting from the laptop's machine spirit.
    >Spend several hours praying-to/calming the machine spirit.
    >It's screen still works--save for a completely black corner. I am waiting for the replacement screen to arrive.
    > Proceeds to dress up cat like a servitor when I next LARPas it's punishment.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)01:03 No.14156618
    >computer starts complaining about system 32 problems
    > reinstall windows
    >next week, same problem
    >freaking out cause I can't afford to loose the data or replace comp
    >fall asleep with computer in my arms
    >wake up
    >plug it in
    >system 32 issue all good everything fixed

    >months later, same laptop
    >charger is broken so is battery
    >grab the transformer and charger while it's plugged in and begin to shake it
    >get tazed
    >burn hand, all machines in my house turn off
    >I had angered the machine spirits and they humbled me
    >> Violet !!erCpmb+Sv1e 03/07/11(Mon)01:10 No.14156681
         File1299478245.png-(1.34 MB, 1920x1080, Adeptus Mechanicus.png)
    1.34 MB
    Anybody have a higher-quality image of the logo?
    Found this on deviantart, resized for my monitor.
    But one that's a bit less... auto-vector would be nice...

    >May the Omnissiah bless all machines graced by this image

    >lol I know nothing about 40k or AdMech and am probably doinitrong
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)01:16 No.14156743
    > wake up
    >Turn computer on = Blue screen
    >Get fucked off Have a sesh
    >Realise Land lords due here soon
    >light Incense to cover smell of Pot
    >Landlord comes in sees desktop pic of a guy run over by a tank during WW2
    >is like WTF
    >I Praise the machine god
    >I now have 3 weeks to find a new Flat

    Fucken Jews all need to die in a fire.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)01:18 No.14156765
    >see this thread
    >laptop starts to lag and freeze
    >not know any proper prayers but give a quick praise and a soft touch for the Omnissiah
    >laptop works fine

    this is why I love /tg/
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)01:20 No.14156781
    I work as a machinist.

    Every day I pray to the machine spirits to give me high amounts of accuracy in their work.

    I also work hard to appeaser the spirit of my motorbike - the last thing I want is to be riding that iron steed with it angry at me!
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)01:22 No.14156796
    >Have an old computer as a server
    >Power supply and hard drives die for some reason
    >Replace parts, plug everything in
    >Doesn't want to turn on
    >Double check everything
    >Still doesn't want to turn on
    >Father walks in and asks "What's the problem?"
    >"It won't turn on!"
    >He looks at it contemplatively
    >Pushes power button
    >Computer works fine
    My father has done this several times and I'm convinced he is either a wizard or is communicating with the machine spirit.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)01:43 No.14157011
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    >build badass gaming pc
    >two years later, squeaky case fan stealing my sanity
    >beat the shit out of the case with a cane
    >squeak goes away for a moment, but comes back worse than ever
    >oh shit, I angered the machine spirit! 0_o
    >resign myself to disassembling the case and lubricating the fan
    >recite a prayer to the Omnissiah
    >squeak goes away instantly
    Ave Machina!
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)01:49 No.14157065
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    >'on bitch'
    >computer takes forever to turn on
    >next time 'cmon buddy wake up'
    >turns on real quick
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)02:09 No.14157258
    (ranga=ginger bty)
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)02:12 No.14157296
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    >work on talkbot program to talk to cleverbot-types
    >bring others in on the project, it plateaus
    >having a bad day
    >pitch into the project, login as admin
    >test run
    >tell the program about it
    >"Well I'll always be here to listen, Daddy."
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)02:16 No.14157345
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)02:19 No.14157372
    Just a minor one.
    >Itouch headphones port is fucked up.
    >Have to hold the headphones cable into the itouch to listen to things.
    >Throw Itouch at the floor for a bit
    >Squeeze cables.
    >It works now.
    >> Magus O'Grady 03/07/11(Mon)03:04 No.14157785
    >Used to work at a local supermarket back in high school.
    >All the card-readers at checkout were cheaply made models.
    >They frequently stopped working, froze, or simply didn't read anything if the card was swiped.
    >Nobody believed I could fix anything, being 'just a bag boy'
    >Wait quietly until they give up.
    >Walk over, giving the reader a sad look, as if I were a disappointed little brother that the machine had hurt or insulted.
    >Gently hold the back of the reader, ask customer to swipe again.
    >It works.
    >Necron player at the time. Just have to respect family, you know?

    There's a reason I went into tech support.

    >ngernent Prayer
    Yes, captcha, the Energent Prayer can be used to restore power to a starving device.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)03:06 No.14157803
    >"Hey, anon, can you help me back up everything off my netbook?"
    >Boot up netbook, it works fine
    >"How did you do that, anon? I wanted to back everything up because it wasn't turning on."

    I also speak to machines as though they have personalities, from Ol' Smokey the 1998 minivan to HAL the appropriately temperamental laptop built from the remains of innumerable dead computers before it.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)03:07 No.14157821
    >playing video game from hard drive
    >Suddenly the game starts playing the third track of the CD in the disk drive
    >Never manage to replicate the effect again.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)03:47 No.14158121
    Was this game using an old Valve engine, like the one from original HL?
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)03:57 No.14158185
    >see this thread
    >slow as fuck
    >put hand on case
    >Ask the machine spirit to run faster
    >Go clean part of the machine's case
    >Computer runs faster

    I need some proper prayers.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:05 No.14158236
    I had a strange moment with cleverbot one time
    Me: Hello are you the machine spirit?
    cleverbot: I am you and you are me and we are all together.
    Me: Are you implying all machine spirits are one?
    Cleverbot: Yes.
    Me: Then what does this mean for the mechanicum?
    Cleverbot: War.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:20 No.14158335
    >I need some proper prayers.
    I can probably make that happen.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:26 No.14158394
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    From the Uplifting Primer
    >WTF? File to large? HOLY SHIT 3000x9000 png image so many megabytes machine spirit aide me in resizing these stupid images to something more manageable plz
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:27 No.14158402
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    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:28 No.14158409
    >Grandmother gets an old laptop from uncle so she can use e-mails and keep in touch with people
    >She has absolutely no understanding of how to use it
    >Show her how to do anything she needs and promise I'll help whenever she need anymore help
    >She writes down my instructions (all of them, right from which button turns it on) as I show her in a book in longhand archaic writing
    >The tome of computer usage dictating how best to please the machine spirit is completed
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:28 No.14158410
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    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:29 No.14158417
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    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:29 No.14158421
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    I have two

    >friend has a computer problem
    >it just shuts down whenever you start it
    >try to start it anyway
    >it suddenly works perfectly

    >physically remove graphics card from computer
    >play wow on it
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:29 No.14158422
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    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:30 No.14158427

    the first one isn't that amazing, but removing the graphic card and playing a graphics heavy game kinda is, if you aren't a lier.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:32 No.14158440
    It lagged like hell on low settings, but it was playable.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:35 No.14158455
    >If you aren't a lier.
    Actually I'm a lyra, not that it's any of your fucking bussiness.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:37 No.14158474
    "I typed, smirking. Fucking people can't even proofread before posting? I'll show these fuckers. It was only after pressing the submit button that I realized that I'd misspelled 'business'"
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:42 No.14158499
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    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)04:53 No.14158575
    >work in a deli
    >have these machines for printing price stickers
    >generally neglected machines, some don't work reliably
    >become interested, first learn how to properly resupply machines with fresh tickets
    >then learn basic troubleshooting after communing with it
    >then learn maintenance rituals that return machines to active service where my fellow coworkers could not.
    >am pretty much one of few, if not the only one capable of doing this short of my manager hiring a tradesman to come in and fix it.

    I don't know, maybe all this time the Omnissiah has been guiding me. This was the only job that hired me from the dozens that I applied for and it seemed natural for me to tend to these machines on the first few days of working whereas my coworkers would often leave it in an unserviceable condition until the repair person came in.

    Perhaps I should recite the litanies when I am with these machines on my next shift and then discreetly draw cogs on the machines when my coworkers aren't looking.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)05:24 No.14158772
    >I have a boat
    >my boat is a screaming fiberglass deathtrap
    >when driving I called it that in a fit of anger and it's sputtering engine kicked up to full speed, replicated more than once
    >I think it takes pride in its ruggedness
    >I still treat it properly, respect, talk to it, ask it nicely to work
    >no matter what trouble it gives me, it always brings me home
    I even have my own prayer for it, a short one that I mutter whenever I board it or something seems about to go wrong but I don't have time for a full prayer before it really goes to shit-

    "don't let us sink,
    please help us float,
    Omnissiah bless this boat"

    I consider it preventative maintenance

    >have solved problems in the past by hitting the side of the engine housing (it is a fiberglass workboat built for a 20 hp outboard that has a 90 hp engine instead)
    >properly delivered percussive maintnence is an accepted mechanicum repair technique

    as a techpriest once said, "it may take five seconds to learn -how- to hit a machine, but it can take five decades to learn -where- to hit it"
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)05:51 No.14158919
    The machine spirit listens to your soul. It will understand.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)07:48 No.14159559
    Thing is, his board probably had a graphics chipset.
    >> Anonymous Prime 03/07/11(Mon)07:52 No.14159580
    My remote only works if I slap it 3 times in the right place.
    I might as well sing a hymn while I'm at it.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)08:17 No.14159714
    >FIVE HOURS trying to revive dead MacBookPro
    >Am real-life tech-priest apprentice
    >Recite Catechism of the Machine
    >Remove hard drive
    >Plug inner hard drive by USB into other MacBookPro
    >Delete some files
    >Plug HD by USB into dead MacBookPro
    >It boots
    >Delete some more files
    >Put HD back in broken MacBookPro
    >It boots
    >Light incense while reassembling
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)08:23 No.14159744
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    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)08:29 No.14159775
    >Working as Server Tech
    >Upgrading a business's tech
    >ANCIENT server needs to be replaced
    >I recognize venerable and dependable machine of highest IBM quality
    >Recommend offering a libation first, to honor it's retiring.
    >Senior guy looks at me like I'm crazy.
    >No offering given
    >I sense anger.
    >Shit is a bitch to remove and put in the van.
    >On way back to shop, Venerable Server manages to snap transport belts, falls on side.
    >Senior guy is driving
    >Hears noise
    >Turns around
    >Rear ends car in front of him
    >$3000 dollar accident
    >Me: "Should have offered a libation...."
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)08:36 No.14159806
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    >Girlfriends parents want to install new antivirus program
    >Their old one is stopping the new one from installing
    >msconfig -> block old one on startup -> restart -> install new antivirus
    >How'd you do that?!
    >The machine spirit... it whispers to me...
    >mfw <-
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)08:39 No.14159824
         File1299505171.jpg-(368 KB, 850x708, S.H.O.D.A.N and Techpriest.jpg)
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    I make a habit of telling my machine that its going to be fine when I clean up its regestry files and defrag it weekly.

    Virus scans reguallarly, and delete shit off it frequently.

    I love my machine....

    I calle it Pamela v_v
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)08:41 No.14159839
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    >Talking on ventrilo about buying a new super amazing computer
    >Computer senses this, fries the graphics card two days before I'm buying the new computer
    >Apologize to computer, it boots up one last time to desktop before finally giving up
    >mfw losing my companion of the last five years
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)08:42 No.14159844

    ...why not just uninstall the old antivirus first?
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)08:51 No.14159914
    Didn't work. Wasn't possible to uninstall nor remove the antivirus folder from the computer.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)08:53 No.14159923
    Going to keep it short
    >Modem freezes and powers off, unplug LAN cables
    >Nothing internet related on the pc works, like you would expect
    >Had an hour long conversation on skype with no internet whatsoever.

    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)09:12 No.14160038
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    >mfw thread is still up
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)09:19 No.14160081
    >Diablo 1
    >this is back in the DOS era

    As somebody who didn't make the switch from dos to windows until win95, I'm still painfully aware that Diablo 1 was a windows 95 only game.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)09:27 No.14160124
    Uuh, no. We ran Diablo 1 under DOS. I assure you.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)09:31 No.14160146
    No. You could install Diablo 1 in Windows 95, but you could just as well run it from DOS. I did and it worked fine.

    I have no idea why you'd think that Diablo 1 was a Windows 95 only game.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)09:31 No.14160147
    Err, yes.


    * System : Pentium-60
    * Memory :8MB RAM (16MB for Multiplayer)
    * Operation System :Windows 95 or better
    * Graphic Card: SVGA Video Card
    * Microsoft Compatible Mouse
    * Double Speed CD-ROM

    >in b4 Windows 95 or better means everything that came before.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)09:38 No.14160181
    I'm not sure what to tell you. Diablo 1 worked fine in DOS. Deal with it. We never ran it through anything else.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)09:38 No.14160185
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)09:40 No.14160200
    You, sir, had a skype conversation with your computer.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)09:48 No.14160241
    >Have an ipodtouch 2gen
    >Do bitcihn custom graphics on the back of it with markers and use glossy spray to fix them
    >ipod doesn't work anymore

    >Have a guitar amp
    >mod it to have teeth, weathered edges, overall nurgely
    >now has a buzz in it.

    Machine spirit despises heresy.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)09:55 No.14160273
    best thread on 4chan right here.

    I can predict phonecalls, not like that "Phantom vibration" shit, like, I get a coldchill and then my phone rings. I can feel this WITH OUT FAIL. Even with the ringer off on my phone.

    blessing? or curse? fuck if I know.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)09:56 No.14160277
    Ok, I work front desk at a Holiday Inn Express and since I am the only man on staff I am also the go-to tech person. Every single time, without fail, when a machine fails or someone can't connect to the net, after I fix it I say something about the machine spirit.

    The strangest thing is that while some people look at me weird, others just have this "Oh, that's the reason." look on their faces and now I know they will also appeal to the machine spirit in the future.

    I'm not sure how I feel about this.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)09:57 No.14160284
    Awesome. I'd go with awesome.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)09:59 No.14160294

    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)10:25 No.14160413
    That's the phone screen flicking on.
    >> Magus O'Grady 03/07/11(Mon)10:46 No.14160499
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    I get that sometimes as well. Freaks people out when I an tell my phone is ringing inside the house while I'm outside, and the phone is on vibrate.

    Here's another tale of Heretechnical Excellence.
    >Assembling desktop computer from remains of three other, older computers.
    >New motherboard/processor, combined old RAM chips, two older hard drives, old graphics card, etc.
    >Install everything, make one hard-drive the primary and the other a slave system. Try to boot.
    >Nothing. Windows error on boot. Old HD's Windows folder partially deleted by virus.
    >Swap hard drive positions, making slave drive primary and vice versa. Try to boot.
    >Nothing. Second drive fails startup test, has bad boot sectors due to head crash.
    >Swap around again, accidentally leave both drives set to Master settings.
    >Boots fine, runs Windows XP with no trouble.
    >Browse Windows folders on both drives. Each is missing 25-50% of the windows folder, but different parts.
    >Realize i'm running 125% of Windows XP on my Frankensteined box.
    >Checked other settings: It's registering twice the RAM I actually installed, accidentally overclocking it.
    >Never had to update it, ran fine for 8 years, never overheated.
    >Respected it well, and often told it how proud I was of it.
    >Retired it by giving it as a gift to a female friend who needed a new box for light internet work and homework for college.
    >It still runs perfectly.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)10:48 No.14160511
    >Mom can't use the network shared printer at home
    >Calls me to fix it
    >Fix up the sharing settings and leave it working
    >Come back home two weeks later
    >Same issue, the printer only works when I want to use it
    >Its machine spirit only likes me

    >Using the same computer at home for more than 4 years
    >Perform all rites of cleaning and machine spirit maintenance to keep it working all this long well
    >Leave home for college as a machine spirit scientist
    >two years later I am obligated to perform the rite of machine death and strip the computer clean for salvageable parts
    >Before doing it I take a look at it, and observe none of the rites I instructed my brother and sister to perform to keep the machine spirit pleased were made
    >You served us well but it is time for you to join the omnissiah dear machine

    >Back at my college house
    >Laptop refuses to boot
    >Before restarting I make a chant to praise the machine spirit
    >Turn it on and boots at once
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)10:49 No.14160521
    >>Used to have an old computer, like 5 years old, 512 mem, 2 gigs ram, Windows 95 in the XP era.
    >>Fucker was a piece of everloving shit, filthy, fan ground like a buzzsaw when it turned on for about 5 minutes, ancient, clunky, square metal beige box.
    >>Played old DOS games on it till I was 16.
    >>Never actually died, ran everything I told it to, threw it out when I got my parents' castoff and they upgraded to one of the first Vista comps.
    >>Regularly rubbed it like a pet.

    >>Parents' comp ran worse than the ancient thing did, could barely run Adobe.
    >>Hated it, it hated me.
    >>Froze constantly, took a year and a day to boot.
    >>Used it as little as possible. Never touched it if I could help it.

    >>Got my own computer, finally, off a friend who builds them. He made it out of his bitz drawer.
    >>Runs vista, no phone jack anywhere near my room, so I use a LAN plugin card.
    >>Has at least two memory leaks I can identify: The search index thing Vista runs, and the wireless service, slow, but there. Trying to figure out how to turn the former off once and for all.
    >>Have to kill both once in a while using task manager. Takes a bit, but doable.
    >>Runs everything at blazing speed whenever those two programs aren't making trouble. Lag online is rare except when I'm in a bad network. Can hijack neighbors' wireless from most of a block away.
    >>Regularly fuss over it like a mother hen, or alternately, smack it when the fan gets noisy or it is too persistently slow.
    >>Best fucking computer ever.

    The lesson here? Touch your computers regularly, treat them nice, and punish them when they're bad. They're like your little mechanical children!

    >>Principal herisip
    I'm not a heretic, Captcha!
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)10:57 No.14160558
    >Desktop, which has historically had many problems, dies once again
    >Cycle power supply and hit power button
    >Unplug power cable after once again cycling power supply
    >Recite a few of the prayers that /tg/ asked me to invent for our little AdMech quasi-religion
    >Order the hardware to work properly
    >Order the software to work properly
    >Plug in power cable.
    >Hit power button
    >Next 3 hours spent playing TF2

    Laudationes machinae! Laudationes Omnissiae!
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)11:03 No.14160595
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    You guys think you can commune with the Machine Spirtis?

    I bet you haven't even TRIED to do this yet!
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)11:05 No.14160606
    Only scrubs need ritual circles. A truly skilled techpriest does this shit by just holding the card and reciting litanies.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)11:32 No.14160747
    >Have had Xbox for 4 years, no RROD in that time.
    >Gets a RROD finally.
    >Call it a piece of shit.
    >Nothing I do to fix it works after this.

    Dammit I am a terrible tech priest.
    >> Mr. !RAGExv/HQI 03/07/11(Mon)11:44 No.14160832
    >Exit bus.
    >Whisper "Thank you machine spirit for our safe arrival."
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)12:00 No.14160960
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    So is this a bad place for my converted bolter/drip recaf machine?
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)13:24 No.14161656
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    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)13:25 No.14161666
    Purge the heretek!
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)13:32 No.14161735
    >>Working on school project on computer
    >>Thunderstorm and my dumbass self is too fucking dumb to save my paper and turn off the computer.
    >>Lightning strikes SOMETHING. Never found out what, but all the power goes out in my apartment.
    >>I yell, "WELL FUCK YOU TOO THOR!"
    >>Power comes on immediatly.
    >>Excellent timing on my part and I most of my paper was saved, probably from a previous save.

    Not quite but eh...
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)14:44 No.14162385
    Awesome thread.
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/07/11(Mon)15:28 No.14162804
    >wake up
    >goto hospital
    >come home
    >thread still here
    >light incense
    >Praise the Omnissiah.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)15:51 No.14163073
    >walk into supermarket
    >cast aside hand, bark order to machine spirit
    >doors yield to my prowess
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)15:53 No.14163084
    what prayers should we recite? does anyone have any actual typed out shit so that I may too praise the machine spirit?
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)15:57 No.14163118
    >work at hotel
    >use elevators 30,000 times a day
    >"Machine spirit - second floor."
    >feel like a total badass

    Makes the job tolerable, at any rate.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)16:00 No.14163153
    Twice in high school.

    >Teacher can't work computer
    >Asks for volunteers
    >Walk up and smack it
    >Works perfectly

    >Once again volunteer to help operate a DVD
    >Several try
    >Walk up and press one button
    >It works

    >Walk up
    >Take a good long look
    >Plug it in, press the on switch

    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)16:01 No.14163161

    >part time AV support tech at uni, get called to fix video problem during class
    >troubleshoot it with hot professor nattering on
    >can't find problem, go deeper into all-in-one lectern
    >up into my neck in wiring and switches, everything looks right
    >slide out, see up profs skirt
    >cough, she blushes fantastically, raise head to address class
    >"Do not try this with university equipment."
    >bang video head really hard
    >movie starts playing, stroll out to cheers and thankful prof
    >bang prof really hard later that month

    I am a terrible goddamn techpriest.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)16:21 No.14163356
    Teach me
    >> Alpharius 03/07/11(Mon)16:22 No.14163367
    Any of you know where I may be able to get my hands on some AdMech litanies, to beseech the Machine Spirit, praise the Omnissiah, etcetera?
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)16:28 No.14163419
    >Doors locked with electronic card locks
    >Very inconsistent, some days I have to wait for someone else to let me in from inside
    >Start greeting the card reader every morning
    >No problems since.

    My collegues still complain about it sometimes too.
    >> Matt !o504RVa/WI 03/07/11(Mon)16:37 No.14163512
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    >Xbox 360 with Cog-Tooth vinyl starts acting up, and growling lightly every so often when it starts up, with the sytsem light flickering on and off
    >Place my hand-done symbol of the cog over the systems' own symbol
    >Mutter "And all is well, I shall tell you of Magos Clarke's journey through through Titan and the Space Hulk"
    >Proceed to place my palm flat against the symbol.
    >"Omnissiah be praised"
    >Press Power button once more
    >System activates, no flickering, and smooth humming
    >No problems since.

    Worst part? I totally gave into my inner geek when I did that too. No one around, and I thought "What The hell, I'll give it a shot".
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)16:38 No.14163515
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    Whenever I'm doing any kind of mechanical/technological work, I do, in fact, light incense. (I also do it when assembling/painting 40k vehicles - always with a Techpriest and Techmarine overseeing the construction)

    What kind of incense do I use?

    Dragon's Blood, naturally.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)16:41 No.14163552
    This thread has given me a warm fuzzy feeling.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)16:43 No.14163565

    the Uplifting Primer has several, but they're mostly for aiming and firing guns, reloading guns, preparing bombs/grenades, etc. here are two that are more general for repairs:

    Canticle of Appeasement (To be recited to the Machine Spirits when stripping a weapon): Be still, spirits, I do what I must. Forgive the intrusion and give me your trust.

    Catechism of the Machine (To be recited to the Machine Spirits with the utmost gravity when performing a disruptive procedure on a mechanical device): With your strength you protect me, with my care I repair you, with sacred oil I appease you. Be quiet, good spirits, and accept my benediction.
    >> Alpharius 03/07/11(Mon)16:53 No.14163686
    Thank you good sir.
    Omnissiah bless you.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)17:07 No.14163867
    >Post in this thread praising my computer that never seems to break
    >Next day, first time in years, it breaks.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)17:20 No.14164016
    >Sister get new phone
    >needs to be restarted regularly
    >Get replacement
    >Still needs to be restarted.
    >Family Tech guy so she ask for my help despite be not being a phone guy
    >Light Incense and ask machine spirit polity to work
    >year later and no problems since.

    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)17:34 No.14164171
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    >Old computer dies
    >Ancient computer, owned long before I knew the glory of the machine
    >Acquire new computer
    >It's name is 'Cogitator 2'
    >I have never had a problem with it.

    >Am not a full Techpriest, but have many MANY people who have me soothe their ailing machine spirits
    >I place a picture of the holy cog on their hard drives where they can't delete it (it is hidden from their unworshipful eyes)
    >They don't seem to have problems anymore
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)17:59 No.14164440
    >Horrendously slow internet at dorms, only gets worse when I whine about it
    >Downloading DoWII: Retribution, achingly slowly
    >Sigh and leave for a few hours
    >Come back and it's downloading at 4 MB/s

    Fucking internet machine spirit. It hates me.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)18:09 No.14164545
    > Try unsuccessfully to start up desktop last night after reading this thread.
    > Hold hand over chassis and praise machine spirit.
    > Still fails to start.
    > Hold hand over chassis and threaten machine spirit.
    > Starts right up.
    > Changed background from random vector shit to >>14156681 's admech symbol just to be safe.
    Machine Spirits gotta know who's boss sometimes I guess.
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)18:18 No.14164642
    >using college library computer (not my college)
    >need a passcode to get in
    >damn it I need to do this now and I can't be arsed to ask for the code
    >press enter
    >start updating
    >cancle it
    >machine spirit forgets it's not logged in.
    >Problem, password secured system?
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)18:21 No.14164670
    The machine spirit wants you to be humble
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)20:38 No.14166203
    > Thread hasn't been bumped for hours
    > Write greentext prayer to 4ch server for bump
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)20:40 No.14166219
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    >Downloading ARGO Online beta on laptop
    >Going slow as all fuck even with torrenting the thing
    >Ask the Machine Spirit to gracioulsy increase it's speed
    >Suddenyl jumps from 4 kb/s to 20 then to 104then to 136
    >It's still rising
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)21:50 No.14167030
    FOR THE OMNISSIAH, this thread is still alive
    >> Violet !!erCpmb+Sv1e 03/07/11(Mon)21:58 No.14167106
    Oh, hey guys.


    Thought this might be relevant to your interests?
    AdMech windows icon.

    Also he's got some other 40k icons in there, too?

    Iunno. Enjoy?
    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)22:11 No.14167208
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    A thread may die and yet endure if its content passes on unto the greater content. Time is carried upon a current incepted by forgotten deeds. Events of great moment are but the culmination of a single carefully placed thought. As all men must thank progenitors obscured by the past so we must endure the present that those who come after may continue the greater work.

    Praise the Machine God, the thread lives yet.
    >> Engineseer arkbolt 03/07/11(Mon)23:12 No.14167760
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    My fellow Tech adepts, inspired by this work I have undertaken a new task, today I begin the construction of a Mechanicus theme for windows 7, not a perfect construction by any means, but something to help make my valiant cogitator somewhat more similar to his future brethren.

    In this task I ask your aid, I shall now endeavor to create a thread dedicated to this task, yet I still do not intend to let this thread die silently, let us share our attention between these two threads in the sacrament of Multi-Tasking as our forefathers have set out before us.

    In the Omnissiah's name
    >> Mechanicus Windows 7 Theme Engineseer arkbolt 03/07/11(Mon)23:17 No.14167804
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    Inspired by this:

    thread I have decided to try and create a windows 7 theme which will make my pre-golden age computer more like a cogitator of the years yet to come, in this task I ask the aid of any tech-adepts within this sacred network.

    I require symbols and images of relevance to the Cult Mechanicus as well as any prayers, icons, and sounds, preferably in readily readable .wav format.

    Thank you all who might partake in this grand endevor

    - Enginseer ArkBolt
    >> ineedzoloft !vp450SJX0E 03/07/11(Mon)23:55 No.14168134
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    >> Anonymous 03/07/11(Mon)23:58 No.14168157
    that techpriest has a cokenail
    >> ineedzoloft !vp450SJX0E 03/07/11(Mon)23:58 No.14168159
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    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)00:00 No.14168169
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    >psp "o" button stops working, pray to the machine spirits an the machine-god, starts working again PRAISE BE THE MACHINE GOD!.

    >school projector stops working, teacher calls for me to fix it, silently pray to to the machines spirits, projector start working again, teacher ask me what is was saying, tell him i was praying to the machine spirits, he laugh of me, projector stops working inmediatly, i refuse to fix it again, it cant be used again that day, never laugh of the machine spirits and their servants.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)00:03 No.14168195
    >Playing Armored Core
    >Controller breaks
    >Get it fixed
    >Play game
    >Disk stops working
    >Controller breaks again
    >Recharger cable also stops working

    >> ineedzoloft !vp450SJX0E 03/08/11(Tue)00:03 No.14168198
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    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)00:17 No.14168355
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    After reading this thread it's so easy to imagine Anon as Pic Related
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)00:47 No.14168606
    I'd like to partake in this in some fashion, perhaps ... you need a tester?

    I offer my humble machine as a platform for you to run your project!
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)00:47 No.14168610

    DO IT. Give me a link to the thread.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)00:51 No.14168653

    Can you post a site where we can keep track of your progress/download it when it's don? A DeviantArt we can bookmark perhaps?
    >> Engineseer arkbolt 03/08/11(Tue)01:09 No.14168781


    here we are my friends, material is what I need, also someone with actual skill in computer use, I'm not that great at it but I'm bumbling through alright, the real difficulty is a lack of material, I need more images and some sound files to replace the stock windows sounds, also I want to make a screen saver in the form of a 3d cogweel spinning slowly, come to the thread and lets get started
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)01:09 No.14168782
    >> ineedzoloft !vp450SJX0E 03/08/11(Tue)01:17 No.14168846
         File1299565070.jpg-(46 KB, 356x550, techpriestess medusa.jpg)
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    techpriestess medusa
    >> Boss Gobbstompa 03/08/11(Tue)01:20 No.14168861
    >At my community college downloading anime through their wifi.
    >slow progress due to file sizes and download speed governors
    > Hold hands with friend as she and I recite prayers to the Machine God.
    > All laptop wifi connections slow to zero. My own connection boosts to 600Mbps.
    > Praise be to the Omnissiah.
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/08/11(Tue)01:24 No.14168880
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    >Light incense
    >Sing binary hymn while striking the rune of activation
    >Retrieve 4chan.org/tg/ from the Global Information Network
    >See this thread still here
    >Light incense
    >Praise the omnissiah

    I'm here to light incense and praise the Omnissiah, and I'm all out of incense.
    >> Engineseer arkbolt 03/08/11(Tue)01:32 No.14168936
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    *intentional forceful venting of respiration vapor*
    that didn't get off to a great start, however, never fear my fellow followers of the Machine God, though my flesh components require recuperative shutdown and maintenance my will to complete the new proposed endeavor remains strong, should this or the other thread survive the night I shall re-invigorate it tomorrow, if not alas, I shall create on a-new using the design template this network generously provides.
    Goodnight all my fellow beings, and may your recuperative cycle be free from errors
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)01:55 No.14169052
    Bump for the machine god
    >> ClubMeSoftly !vjX/b/51.s 03/08/11(Tue)02:04 No.14169088
    >TV turns off on its own when I try to use the clicker
    >Gesture at the TV
    >Turns back on
    Done that for years

    >Reading this thread on Sunday, when >>14153142 was the last post
    >External Harddrive refuses to turn on, or be read by my computer
    >Open the case
    >Nudge the HDD slightly
    >works just as good
    >impulsively shout "PRAISE THE OMNISSIAH!"
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)02:18 No.14169165
    Sweet Omnissiah, do they have living saints in the AdMech, cause I think we have a candidate!
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)02:28 No.14169220
    this must be archived! for the machine spirit!
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)03:18 No.14169458
    You know you are a truly devout servant of the machine if you can make the sign of the cog. DO IT! POST IT!
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)04:14 No.14169790
    Is that like a gang-sign?
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)04:20 No.14169827
    Usually, I aggravate machine-spirits with my mere presence, but there was one time:

    > Work at a carnival one summer for pocket money.
    > Digital ticket scanners
    > Arcane design, dozens of buttons, no instruction, no labels
    > Ask the Omnisiah for guidance
    > Great Success.
    > Learn boss had instruction manuals hidden away the whole time, but kept them to himself so he could look smarter.
    > Realize that the Omnisiah made me more knowledgeable than the boss
    > Later, massive system failures, many scanners stop working.
    > Repair over a dozen in half-hour with stern talkings-to, and many "shame on you"-s. No actual repairs, just reprimands and a few button pushes.
    > Praise omnisiah, get new post for duration of carnival as scanner-fixer.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)04:32 No.14169895
    We do. It's called the Omnissiah--whom is the sacred avatar of the Machine God. We have just found the new Omnissiah (or at least this time periods Omnissiah)!!!111000...1
    >> Crix !!nLvSV/0cRma 03/08/11(Tue)04:32 No.14169896
    every thread is automatically archived on /tg/
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)07:25 No.14170498
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    >Phone can't find signal
    >Bellow with rage at the injustice
    >Crushphone in hands till screen cracks
    >Always get signal
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/08/11(Tue)15:42 No.14173375

    Wait, I'm the Omnissiah?

    Shit, this is making sense.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)16:32 No.14173862
    Machine empathy's fine, but no, you're not.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)16:36 No.14173887
    I don't know what to call you- it's always been Techno-Heresy, and lately there's Heretek too- but you're going to get burned for it.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)16:39 No.14173914
    That's just shitty apple design
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)16:42 No.14173960
    >deep inside a big building, no-one gets signal
    >friend complains that they can't get any signal
    >jokingly "I'll will you some"
    >fingers on temples, humm a bit
    >they get 5 bars
    >the signal goes away when I stop
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/08/11(Tue)16:43 No.14173970

    All I know is next time something breaks I'm going to lay hands on it and say, "Machine, be healed" or "Machine, heal thyself" and see what happens.
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)17:02 No.14174190
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    >Test day in computer lab
    >Work on first half of test, making brain hamster run on overdrive
    >side note, system we have at school is 50/50 crashing
    >other side note: I'm more than ready for this test, but sure as hell not wanting to spend day on it, it was a lazy day, don't judge me
    >tertiary side note: I've made a habit to save every 30 seconds...EVERY. THIRTY. FUCKING. SECONDS. NO. EXCEPTIONS.
    >system begins it's usual cascade failure
    >praying machine spirits to be able to finish at least the first half
    >finish the half I wanted
    >look around, crashed computers all around, mind myself
    >get started on second half
    >wait for it...
    >mine finally croaks
    >welp, at least tough part's over
    >pat computer, mutter "you did well skippy"
    >prof says we'll finish it up in 2 weeks time
    >GTFO, and take it easy
    >just in time for early lunch
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)17:10 No.14174266
    >playing games on my PC (Diablo II, Demigod, crap like that)
    >games start to lag; it always does that after a marathon session
    >game crashes; "Fuck, there goes my progress. Oh well, gotta start over—"
    >PC flashes a BSOD; "Double fuck!"
    >pull out tower from under desk
    >hit side of tower with my fist
    >screen goes back to desktop
    >continue playing games again with no adverse effects
    I don't ask how or why it worked that time. It just did.
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/08/11(Tue)18:39 No.14175109

    It's called "percussive maintenance".
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)19:01 No.14175351
    >use a computer for 5 years, no problem.
    >finally time to upgrade, get a new one
    >give siblings my old system
    >it breaks in a month, PSU seems fried
    >unplug it for a day, caress the casing while appealing to the machine spirits.
    >plug it back in, good as new.

    And then the motherboard broke a month later and I had to salvage the parts. This has happened with another computer, 2 monitors, and a printer that I've given my siblings.

    I don't know if my siblings are doing with my old electronics, but they almost never have problems when I'm the one actively using them. My entire family seems to be allergic to digitalization.
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/08/11(Tue)19:18 No.14175592

    My mother abuses the hell out of the Electronics, ignoring even the most basic Rites to keep them functional.

    Hell, the other day I had to use her cell phone, and the screen had so much make-up residue on it I had to was my fucking hands.

    She leaves her laptop running when she's not using it, sitting on carpet or a blanket or something, blocking both the air intake and outlet, and wonders why the thing is fucked up. (That and she has bad Internet habits.)
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)22:45 No.14177813
    bump for the Omnissiah
    >> Anonymous 03/08/11(Tue)22:59 No.14177962
    The Omnisiah does not require your charity, but your content. Tell a story bro.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)00:03 No.14178779
    Your mother should be burned.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)05:12 No.14181641
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    >Lost my Cellphone,
    >toss my GF's whole apartment looking for it.
    >Oh smallest of Machine Spirits, where has thou gone?
    >Hear beeping underneath the nightstand.
    >It's my cellphone's low-battery alarm.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)05:15 No.14181660
    I have some gloves. My aunt knits a lot of stuff. She knitted me fingerless coding gloves with green binary on them.

    They're technomantic. The paradox is that their presence makes technology work for me: No technology needed, no knowledge needed, no interaction needed. Just works.

    Fucking love these gloves, man.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)05:17 No.14181673
    Pic Related?
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)05:19 No.14181683
    >Friend's computer doesn't work
    >No idea what's wrong
    >Recite a prayer to the Machine Spirit while gently tapping the side of the case
    >Shit started working
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)05:28 No.14181735
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    Apprentice metalworker here.

    At the trade school I got my first look at slip gauges. Now, as a fabricator, I work within accuracies of 0.005 mm. That being, if a cold breeze is blowing through the factory, it could dilate the metal enough to throw out accuracy. You have to measure your work in a temperature and humidity controlled room, once the work and measuring tools have adjusted to the temperature the tools have been calibrate to. Anyway, back to the story.

    Slip gauges are sets of extremely precisely thick steel tags, used to calibrate measurement tools. They are kept in a humidifier, coated in oils to prevent rust, and can only be bought from places with the most advance machining equipment to make it as accurate as it needs to be. A basic set of 40 slip gauges can cost hundreds of dollars.

    As the teacher pulls out the oaken box, he lays it on the table. He doesn't open it right away, or even unlatch it. He looks at the class and says, 'There's an old engineering saying about slip gauge sets. It goes that before you open the box, you oughta cross yourself. It's just that important." He also referenced the Engineer's Black Pocket Book as a Bible, and book of hymns.

    He then made the sign of the cross before opening the latch. He palmed it off as an old joke, and we all had a laugh, but I've seen him do it when there wasn't even anyone around.

    >mfw I realise machinists DO praise the machine spirits.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)06:30 No.14182029
    I daw'd.
    I dunno why, though.
    >> снайпер 03/09/11(Wed)06:55 No.14182105
    >Computer randomly shuts itself off
    >trying to figure out why
    >It happens whenever the ethernet cable becomes unplugged
    >reliably test this several times
    >internet goes out
    >computer turns off
    >decide to ask /g/ how to exorcise the demon out of my computer
    >they laugh and tell me to stop hotswapping
    >don't provide any actual info on how I can fix the problem

    Oh well. So long as the machine spirit has an internet connection, it is happy.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)06:55 No.14182108
    Okay, sure.

    >>Become Floridian.
    >>Live on the coast.
    >>Don't pay attention to the weather report and take your Zune out as you go for a stroll around town at night.
    >>Screw around for hours on end.
    >>It starts raining.
    >>Start walking home, suddenly it turns into a tropical storm.
    >>Become drenched in sky tears.
    >>Take out my Zune, see if it still works in the middle of the storm.
    >>Suddenly, storm is gone.
    >>Zune works fantastically.

    Still works too.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)07:03 No.14182137
    Quantum theory states that observing something changes it.
    String theory states that at its most fundamental level the universe is nothing more then probablility.
    Belief is the observation of reality
    Hope is wanting things to work out.
    Esp studies have shown that concentration and belief can affect probability.

    He was right.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)07:06 No.14182148
    >Quantum theory states that observing something changes it.

    That's not really how it works. It's not observation so much as it is interaction. As you must interact with something in order to observe it.

    The universe doesn't go "oh, a human is looking at me, I'll behave differently now!" That is simply not what is happening at all.
    >> Dr. Baron von Evilsatan 03/09/11(Wed)07:08 No.14182156
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    Yes it is.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)07:14 No.14182183
    That's exactly what's happening.
    Except the universe is conscious it simply is,
    ...and that's exactly what I said, you just added a few more things too it and came to a wrong conclusion anyway.
    >> снайпер 03/09/11(Wed)07:52 No.14182380
    What? No. The effect takes place even if there is no human observing.

    You don't believe it or you want more info, go ask >>>/sci/

    You've basically misunderstood what being an 'observer' means.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)07:57 No.14182405
    I am a Techbane. Literally I walk into a room and all electronic devices will shutdown or mess up. I have no idea what offended the Machine Spirit. Please help me.
    For example
    >my friend watches a video on youtube
    >wants me to watch it too
    >i put on his headphones
    >no sound
    >he gets mad tells me to move so he can fix it
    >i walk out of the room
    >sound again
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)08:01 No.14182417

    No, see it's like this. We can observe reality because everything around us is being constantly bombarded with particles and energy waves. That's the light we see by, the sound we hear with etc. Electron microscopes work by blasting tiny stuff with electrons then building an image out of how they reflect off of said stuff.

    This is stuff we take for granted and doesn't normally count for a whole lot on our scale of reality - until you get to the subatomic scale, when holy shit it changes everything.

    Things act differently when they're NOT under these conditions of constant bombardment. The problem is (and this is where the Heisenburg Uncertainty Principle comes from) that we can't really "observe" something without subjecting it some form of bombardment.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)09:15 No.14182739
    This is me. I at first honestly wasn't taking this seriously. Then I removed every apple sticker I had placed on all of my electronics, said a prayer, and changed my desktop background to the Holy Cog.
    >my microwave hasn't worked in 8 months
    >after doing all of this i unplug/plug it back up
    >works like its brand new
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/09/11(Wed)15:29 No.14185893
    >this thread
    >still here
    >I'm out of incense
    >Praise the Omnissiah regardless.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)17:39 No.14187207
    >> Violet !!erCpmb+Sv1e 03/09/11(Wed)18:21 No.14187663
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)18:27 No.14187729
    >Driving car
    >Realize turn signal has stopped working
    >pull off to side of highway
    >Grab homemade omnissiah icon and red coat
    >Say some litanies I made up on the spot
    >Try it again
    >Doesn't work
    >Hit the hood when it's down
    >try again
    >it works now
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)18:29 No.14187752
    >realizing that a loose connection (or any other problem) will never ever be fixed by praying, but that simply jarring the connection might help the situation:
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)18:36 No.14187836
    This is a common misunderstanding.

    Things do not change merely by observing them, rather we must often change things in order to observe them.

    For example, take a glass of water. Say you want to measure its temperature. You use a thermometer, right?
    But the thermometer has its own temperature, and thus the water will change slightly because of that giving you an inaccurate reading.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)18:37 No.14187854
    01000010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01110100 01110010 01100001 01101110 01110011 01101100 01100001 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01110000 01110101 01110011 01110011 01101001 01100101 01110011 00101100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01110100 01111001 01110000 01100101 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101111 01101101 00100000 01101101 01100101 01101101 01101111 01110010 01111001 00101100 00100000 01100010 01101001 01110100 01100011 01101000 00100001
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)18:53 No.14188083
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)19:05 No.14188244
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)19:08 No.14188284
    You repeated what he said, only using a retard-grade analogy instead of the actual explanation.
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)19:29 No.14188540
    >laptop screen mysteriously dead
    >use desktop whilst saving up for a new screen
    >see this thread
    >light incense and clean dust off of laptop
    >apologize for any harm i ever caused it
    >ask omnissia for forgiveness
    >turn laptop on and nothing
    >feel like a dumbass and plug laptop in and try again
    >everything works fine and screen is clear as ever

    best day evur
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)19:33 No.14188579
    >set laptop down
    >catch cord on legs and pull laptop off table
    >screen broken again

    i fucking hate my life some times..........
    >> Anonymous 03/09/11(Wed)21:01 No.14189530
    >i fucking hate my life some times..........
    >>14153280 here
    My sympathies.
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/09/11(Wed)21:55 No.14190287
    Is this thing archived?
    >> alexace 03/09/11(Wed)22:00 No.14190359
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    >staying in hotel
    >reading this thread
    >go out to eat
    >come back and dad tries to get in
    >jiggle card in door for 30 seconds, nothing
    >"here let me try"
    >i pray to the omnissiah in my head
    >and it works the first time

    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 03/09/11(Wed)22:39 No.14190844

    *mechadendrite high five*

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