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  • File : 1305371874.jpg-(382 KB, 611x874, steampunk saga cover small.jpg)
    382 KB Steampunk Saga. Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)07:17 No.14922675  
    So, guys, you may have heard of it, but I'm planning to make a comic named Steampunk Saga. Now, before you say 'throw this shit to /co/', I came to /tg/ because I think you guys know more about storytelling and steampunk than /co/ (RPGs are rule-assisted collaborative storytelling anyways, right?).
    Now here is the question: Do you have plot hooks which can suit a serial, steampunky setting? The short short gist of the story is a man is on a path of vengeance against another man who killed his savior.
    More details only if you want, /tg/.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)07:20 No.14922681
    Do NOT enter it with the premise of making a "steampunk thing". It's usually used as a substitute for a real story. Google Space 1889, that game was around before steampunk had a name.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)07:23 No.14922691
    >I think you guys know more about storytelling and steampunk than /co/

    I think you would be wrong. the kind of storytelling we do is different from books and other media. it is closer to improvisational theater where the players are both the actors and the audience.

    there are things that work in comic that simply don't work in rpgs because of author control.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)07:24 No.14922693
    You know, you're kinda right. The setting isn't fully Victorian era with cogs steampunk, but more of an anachronistic one where you mix up 1920s prohibition era, post-WW1, Victorian, pre-WW2, and 1950/60 cold war espionage with a bit of magic here and there. Hmm.
    Then I guess we'll start with changing the name, then. How about naming it after the main character, Steam John? Or maybe suggest something else? What would a good title have in it?
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)07:26 No.14922698

    abandon Earth and just make it fantasy with a steamtech twist
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)07:26 No.14922700
    When it comes to vengeance I tend to favor the 'blood-soaked revenge' style common in asian cinema as well as movies like Payback, Kill Bill, and Desperado. Lot of violence against minions and associates of the one that has wronged the main character, gathering intel on the big bad and generally messing with his shit as he or she goes.

    That combined with anachronism may equal a take my money situation.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)07:29 No.14922705
    Steam John kinda sounds like a steam-powered toilet.
    Titles are tricky things, that usually need to catch people's eye or at least stick in the mind, while still having something to do with the subject.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)07:30 No.14922708
    Hmm... but surely DMs use/prepare some kind of tropes/storyline (the 'rails', if you must)? Sometimes these lead into awesome (look for tales of RPG games in suptg). I wish to achieve a similar kind of awesome.
    Also, aren't there those who you'd call writefags around these parts?
    And in the end, a story is a story nonetheless, and a good story can be told in varying media equally well. I think that's what I'm striving on.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)07:34 No.14922726
    "Steampunk Saga" is kind of generic anyway, more of a term to describe a saga about steampunk than a tale of vengeance in an anachronistic world.

    Got anything more uniquely identifying about the situation, the land, or the guy to call it a saga of? Though '<blank> Saga' might be more of a series name, like '<Blank> Saga, vol.1: Bloody Matters'
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)07:35 No.14922730
    Look at a history book. Look at things that could have been resolved differently. Look at points to insert new tech, or make circumstances divert technology.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)07:37 No.14922743
    Oh, don't you worry, there will be blood soaked somewhere in it, along with equal pieces of tragedy and intrigue.

    Well, by the looks on the current storyline (just the beginning and a few scattered story-pieces, anyway) it would be some kind of anachronistic fantasy place. I'm not sure I want to put in fantasy races yet (elves, orcs, dwarves etc), but there could be magic.

    You know what, I'm gonna put that line somewhere in the story as a cameo, that was just too good to pass up. But yeah, what would be a better name? Maybe a nickname of Steam John? The name of the world (which I haven't thought of yet)? 'A Vengeance of Steam'?
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)07:39 No.14922756
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)07:39 No.14922758
    Yeah, it's gonna be a series, maybe I'll make it a webcomic as well.
    Which raises the point of title to a more prominent position.
    By the way, I'm gonna post the quick version of the beginning, and maybe the story bits and pieces, characters and whatnot just to make things clear.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)07:44 No.14922771
    Well, 'Steam' should probably be more of a prefix nickname that stuck, like that he used to be around, friends with, or work with a couple other Johns, 'Fat Johnny', 'Little John', etc. Give 'em a full regular name that gets used occasionally. Perhaps there's a reason he doesn't like to go by him real name as much, whether embarrassment or bad memories.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)07:52 No.14922810
    Then there's the question of how serious or eccentric the character may act affecting the name a bit, a more dour hero my just go "They call me Steam John", but a more excitable fellow might be more "You'll never catch the likes of Steam Johnny!", or more self importance like "I am Johnathan, the Steam Smith.", if you see what I mean. Just 'John' tends to be a plain name, whereas Johnathan or Johnny put a little spin on things
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)07:54 No.14922820
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    OK mon, 'magic' in this sense is more like the things you have in folklore or old literature, not like 'oh hey FIREBALL' easy as fuck things usually seen in RPGs. Kinda ties in with the story so I can't just cut it out entirely.

    So. Short version of the beginning.
    A girl, Llorna, lived with her grandpa. Her parents are field medic in The War. One day she became an orphan due to artillery shell on field hospital. Grandpa died soon after due to grief. Fast forward a few years. She turned out to be a genius, and learned medical and steam technology. The War crept close to where she was studying, so she became field medic. One day a soldier walked in, said that The War is finally over, and died on the spot. Llorna saw something in him, and so she upgraded his body with steam tech. His soul, however, isn't back yet. So she turned into the arcane arts her grandpa dabbled in, and summoned a Dealer (supernatural middleman entity), Calgari Corvus, and made a deal to 'borrow' the soldier's soul back. The soldier lives, now named Steam John, and works as a butler for Llorna. Fast forward a few months/years. Llorna's been kidnapped by an ex-soldier-turned-bandit Juan Vicioso. He thought she had money, but learning she spent it on steam research, he tied her on a railroad. Steam John comes to the rescue, shooting Juan's mooks left and right. Cue epic duel between John and Juan. Juan got a graze on his cheek, but the train was coming. John stopped the train only to find Llorna dying of Juan's bullet. Calgari returned to take Llorna's soul, but John made a new deal. Corvus can get his soul and Juan's soul, if only he can enact his vengeance. And so begins the steampunk saga.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)07:55 No.14922826
    John "The Cleveland Steamer"

    If you call it "Steampunk Saga", it throws out any credibility for it having a good story and character development. It could be the best story ever but with a name like that, no one would be interested.

    Also, when you blend magic with steampunk, there's either gotta be a steampunk explanation to it or it just makes it gimmicky.
    Steampunk and magic should not be a gimmick to get genre fans to look at your shit.

    A good rule I go by is, if the steampunk setting is gone, can this still make a good story?
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)07:57 No.14922834
    definitely bad memory, since when he got his soul returned, the memories mostly don't come back. refer to >>14922820
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)07:58 No.14922842
    At first i thought the image said Steampunk Gaga. I'm not sure if i'm disappointed or not.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)08:01 No.14922853


    also good luck with your enterprise OP, and don't take anything here too seriously, it's your story after all!
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)08:03 No.14922867
    >If you call it "Steampunk Saga", it throws out any credibility for it having a good story and character development. It could be the best story ever but with a name like that, no one would be interested.
    Yeah, Steampunk Saga is just an in-dev name.

    >A good rule I go by is, if the steampunk setting is gone, can this still make a good story?
    Well, you can take out steampunk out of the equation, and it would still be a good story of vengeance. But that is up for the reader to decide. That's why I've been sharpening this story on /tg/ and /co/ sometimes, so I can work out what works and what didn't. Like the title turned out to be not good, for example.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)08:03 No.14922872
    Here's a few questions you can ask yourself:

    So some bad guy is walking around and says:
    "Hey, this girl has money, I shall take her!"
    He notices she doesn't and leaves her tied to a railroad track?

    Why would he want to take her in the first place?
    Why would he tie her to the railroad? Why not just a simple shot to the head?
    Why is the bad guy hanging around after leaving the girl to die?
    If she was going to get ran over by a train, why was she shot?
    So Corvus can take both John and Juan's (John in spanish...) souls if John gets to take revenge right?
    Why does John want to save Llorna?
    What's her importance that John would give his soul over?
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)08:05 No.14922885
    not a bad setup overall, though the getting tied to the tracks seems a bit Snidely Whiplash, and if you're going with the grazing shot being the cause, try to make it clear to a viewer/reader rather than seem convoluted (like, if she'd tied down by the tracks just how does a miss on the other guy manage to hit), possibly by tossing in a throwaway line line like 'I wasn't aiming at you, steamfreak..' and when he goes to check on her is when the villain makes the getaway.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)08:08 No.14922901
    Yeah, I know to take notes with a pinch of salt, but I must take it somewhat seriously, because anyone here could be my future reader, and I don't want to disappoint them.

    Another story-bit: While on the trail of Juan, John met an 'unorthodox archaeologist', which created clockwork dinosaurs and extinct animals. Turns out he's a bit mad since his wife got killed by Juan. When John asked about Juan, the archaeologist flipped out and attacked John with his clockwork velociraptors and steam-powered triceratops mount (could be replaced with mammoth, though). John knocked some sense into the dude, and in return gets an info on Juan's associate.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)08:14 No.14922939
    >What's her importance that John would give his soul over?
    I think I get that one, she saved him and brought him back to life, apparently betting her own soul in the bargain, not even really knowing him, out of kindness and Science!, and treated him well. Now she'd dead of a bullet he should have taken for her and the 'devil' has come for her soul. He strike a counter deal to save her soul and get vengeance for her death, while condemning himself to the abyss once more. The usual self-destructive path of vengance, but with at least one solidly positive result for the person he lost.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)08:17 No.14922952
    Juan's already a notorious kidnapper and murderer at that point, which would 'ransom' rich people. Llorna's grandpa was one of said rich dudes.
    Well, about the railroad track thing, Juan is some kind of sadistic. With maybe a mental case to boot. He likes to watch people die, that's why he was loitering around... or better yet, maybe he's just doing it to torture information out of people, and he did it regularly. Once the information is had, however, he usually 'forgets' to open up the ropes.
    And yeah, Juan shot Llorna just to piss John off. Or maybe to divert John's attention.
    The reason why John wanted to save Llorna so bad is that she is viewed as the dearest thing to him. He's lost his memory, but maybe some memories get through, he may have had a little sister before that he dearly loved.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)08:19 No.14922959
    This dude nailed it on the head. I give you ten internets, good sir.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)08:25 No.14922988
    Not bad.
    Sounds like you've at least got the basic framework set up.
    I still think you should call him John the Cleveland Steamer
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)09:18 No.14923247
    Well, there's no Cleveland in this setting, but the country he's from is named Callista. So perhaps Callistan Steamer? I've also thought of an alternative title: 'Tears of Vengeance'. Llorna being spanish for crying lady...
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)09:26 No.14923279
    That seems pretty nice, classy even, with a hint inside joke to those that know the root of the name.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)09:30 No.14923307

    ...doesn't get much more cliché than 'Tears of Vengeance'
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)09:43 No.14923380
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    Well, it's 'official' then: Steampunk Saga is now Tears of Vengeance.

    More story-bits and characters now.
    Another story: John tracks Juan's trail/informant who is living near a Native American-ish reservation. There was a spree of nighttime killing in the area. He met a Native bounty hunter named Thomas Silverfang, who told him a local story about a hunter named Turmaq from a now-extinct tribe who was cursed with immortality by the Great Spirit because he killed his shaman blood brother who killed his wife. Tom Silver ended the story with a rumor that the cursed hunter was causing the murders by turning into a beast he killed. John then tracks the informant, who was about to be smuggled out of the reservation, but the smugglers were attacked by a supernatural beast. John battled, trying to protect the informant, and used the beast's own knife against itself. The beast turns into Tom AKA Turmaq. John catches the informant, gets the location of Juan, and left.

    But after John left, Corvus and a local Death spirit called the Crying Owl Lady appeared. Crying Owl Lady took Turmaq's body and revealed that she's actually his (murdered) wife. The pair disappears.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)09:55 No.14923476
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    Another story bit: John tracked Juan's tracks across a swamp in another country. The swamp/jungle is so dense in foilage that eventually John got lost. Then, he met a supernatural entity called Swamp Horse, which acts like a dog on its friendliness with John. Swamp Horse tugs John to a direction, where John finds a skeleton, which used to be a soldier in The War. The skeleton spoke with its last bits of soul left behind, a last message to be relayed to the nearest settlement, about an impending attack, and an explanation about Swamp Horse. Turns out it's a local spirit that guards the dead of the swamp, according to locals. Dead soldier's spirit passed on, Swamp Horse then leads John out of the swamp. On the way out, John noticed the remains of a village. Once he got to the nearest inhabited settlement, he passed the dead soldier's message, and found out that the destroyed village he passed was the settlement the dead soldier said. John found Juan's trail again, and continued the journey.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)10:14 No.14923574
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    Less developed story-bits:
    -John battles a demon that can run at great speeds whose tracks go in a straight line. Kinda like http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Devil's_Footprints
    -An international spy ring with a hint of the supernatural, led by a lady codenamed Scarlet. She had traded her eyes with a Dealer for a demon's, het left eye can read minds and her right eye can (insert supernatural power here, anyone got any ideas?). Apparently the organization is now monitoring Steam John.
    -Various countries/factions are interested in the technology in Steam John, and would go into great lengths into getting them. And furthermore, not just countries, but other Dealers and supernatural entities had heard about his double deal, and is out to get his soul.
    -Coyote, a supernatural trickster, tries to get Steam John derail his path of vengeance. John keeps running into Coyote several times in his journeys. Maybe even a squabble/rivalry between Coyote and Corvus?
    -Somehow implement the character Patchwork Man. He used to be a genius doctor in The War, but The War warped his mind and he went mad science. His experimentations then broke into the arcane, and he learned to sew souls. Now grotesquely deformed (he used himself as guinea pig), he's out to look for more victi- er, experiment subjects.
    -Another character who is an immortal, a wandering doctor by the name of Koschei. He was just a soldier returning from The War when, after some circumstances, gained a gourd/bag which could trap anyone he wants, beat up a demon and made him give a monocle which can see if Death is coming to someone and heal people if they don't, and trapping Death itself for a month. He is now avoided by Death, and now wanders as a doctor.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)10:19 No.14923596
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    Well, that's about what I got with this idea, currently, so if you guys wanna criticize or give more ideas I'd appreciate it.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)10:23 No.14923621
    At least it's more accurate. Story bits seem to give it a more of a supernatural air than a steampunk theme. Which is a good thing, overall.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)10:40 No.14923742
    Well, as soon as we meet Silverfang and hear his tale, most savvy readers will already see parts of that coming, but that's not a bad thing. That means playing to the character's reaction rather than the reader's. Could go for surprise, or maybe show the character being savvy, maybe ask around town about the rumor, and hear signs that Silverfang is the source of the rumor, making the fight something of a sad task for the character if Thomas was likable, or perhaps intuit that ending him is the only way to free him from this curse.. which is perhaps why he has sought to make sure the old tale is known to those that might face him in that form.

    Similar story, again I might suggest the savvy route, sadly acknowledging the ruined village, but moving on the fulfill the delivery at the next settlement he finds.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)10:52 No.14923833
    >ending him is the only way to free him from this curse
    nailed it on the head. Well, with his own dagger anyway, so you're not that far off.
    >sadly acknowledging the ruined village, but moving on the fulfill the delivery at the next settlement he finds.
    Woah it's like you can read minds. OH! Maybe he went to check the destroyed village, and finds a plank with the town's name on it. He came to the harrowing conclusion, but delivers the message to the nearest settlement anyways. Maybe even telling the name of the dead soldier, which the dead soldier forgot to mention in the message (John saw the nametag/dogtag? The skeleton told his name but forgot to put it in the message?)
    Thanks for the inputs. More criticism is always welcome! Or maybe you have your own idea? I'd be glad to make cameos/partial-crossovers and credit whoever helped me.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)11:04 No.14923893
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    >Or maybe you have your own idea?

    What about making something original? Because what you described in>>14922820 is pretty much just the story of Kelly's Steampunk (pic related) only more boring.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)11:11 No.14923931
    Nah, I've read Steampunk as well, and I wouldn't say he's too close to that. Sure both main characters have bits of 'steampunk' tech in them, but I wouldn't consider them much closer than that. Also this seems to be going a more supernatural/folktale route with anachronistic overtones, whereas Steampunk was a dystopian dieselpunk setting with the steampunk aspect mostly occurring within the main character.
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)11:18 No.14923959
    The feel of the story is similar. Which might actually be good for marketing. Poeple abhor new stuff and seek the safety of shit they already know.
    >> Indonesian Gentleman 05/14/11(Sat)11:39 No.14924084
    To be honest, I never heard of that comic before. I may have seen some pieces of art of it, but I have absolutely no idea about the story.
    But after looking at its wikipedia article, it seemed like the story is different. It involves time travel (which would sometimes be cool but I loathe due to paradoxes), too much 'human modification', and a class struggle which John does not care about. He only cares about vengeance... or is he? Would he gain a compatriot which has their own vengeance to exact on Juan? Or would they have directed their vengeance to John?
    >> Anonymous 05/14/11(Sat)11:45 No.14924149
    Why is that thing you want to make even a Steampunk in the first place?

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