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  • File : 1310722221.png-(146 KB, 500x500, dwarfwithbeeronfire.png)
    146 KB You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)05:30 No.15587558  
    A succubus tried to seduce me the other day. I had the willpower to resist her charms, so she stuffed a cockatrice into my pants to make sure I got hard.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)05:30 No.15587566
    I fought a duelist known for disarming his opponents, so I fought him bare-handed. I'm still trying to get the hang of picking things up with my feet.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)05:31 No.15587571
    On my last adventure, I met a kender. He was always borrowing my stuff, so I lent him a pack of gnolls.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)05:32 No.15587579
    I thought it was a mistake to send a kobold as our emissary to the elves. I forgot how good they were with traps.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)05:33 No.15587583
    Har har.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)05:33 No.15587584
    "Y spel gud 4 dragon? Is just worm." - Thrudd Blokfist, final journal entry.
    >> Wasteland Warrior !EcRjYWX0sY 07/15/11(Fri)05:34 No.15587594
    You never feel so big as when you're with a halfling.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)05:34 No.15587595
    more
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)05:34 No.15587596
    Stereotypical old wise man say- Champion of justice who stand on ledge soon become fallen paladin.
    >> Wasteland Warrior !EcRjYWX0sY 07/15/11(Fri)05:37 No.15587609
    Everyone says I am crazy when I say a druid killed the king, they refuse to listen to anything about the grassy gnoll.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)05:37 No.15587611
    You always hear about wyverns, but never the whoverns or the whenverns. I met one man who told me a riveting tale about the knowwhutimeanvern.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)05:38 No.15587621
    Nothin' says lovin' like someelf in the oven.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)05:40 No.15587634
    >>15587579

    Okay, i laughed.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)05:41 No.15587644
    Orc Pork. The other green meat.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)05:42 No.15587650
    >>15587609
    >grassy gnoll

    wow
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)05:45 No.15587674
    >>15587609
    Well, I just found the plot for my next game.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)05:46 No.15587678
    i am reading all of these in the voice of Stephen Wright

    more, OP, more!
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)05:46 No.15587683
    A group of paladins saved the city next to a massive waterfall tourist attraction from a bunch of orcs. Grateful, the citizens named the waterfalls after them.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)05:47 No.15587685
    Our paraplegic rogue is the best in the land at getting by traps. He says his wheelchair gives him a lot of practice at Disable Device.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)05:48 No.15587696
    A wizard casts magic missile. A technomancer casts not-so-magic missile
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)05:51 No.15587713
    My last girlfriend was a drow rogue. I never thought I'd see epic checks in Use Rope.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)05:57 No.15587746
    Enough skill in Intimidate, you're the boss. Enough skill in Bluff, you're the king.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)05:59 No.15587755
    Is this the real life?
    Is this just fantasy?
    Caught in a landslide
    Because the DM is an asshole and he wants to play something else.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)06:02 No.15587771
    I met a monk who took a vow of poverty. Screw that. I'm taking a vow of wealth.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)06:08 No.15587807
    Speaking of monks, I once knew a druid who joined a monastery. He wanted to learn how to fight with his bear hands.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)06:09 No.15587810
    A good bard quits when he is ahead. A bad bard quits when he is a head.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)06:34 No.15587934
    I heard you guys like monster girls. You should check out my ex-wife!
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)06:35 No.15587937
    No, but seriously. I asked out a lady werewolf the other day. She told me she didn't date furries.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)06:37 No.15587950
    I remember the time I dated a lamia. I had her wrapped around my finger. Also wrapped around the rest of me. Talk about a girl who can take your breath away.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)06:39 No.15587967
    >>15587934
    DOHOHO.

    >>15587937
    That's not a joke. I mean, it's not even a bad joke, it's just... not a joke.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)06:56 No.15588077
    I dated a minotaur once. She broke it off when I told her I was lost in her eyes.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)07:00 No.15588106
    I remember my old friend in the clergy, Judas. Tough old bastard, fought with nothing but a set of brass knuckles. Had his own fighting style too. He called it "Breakin' the Jaw"
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)07:02 No.15588113
    Seen on the bathroom wall in the Assassin's Guild-

    Here I sit
    Broken hearted
    Paid a copper
    Poison darted
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)07:03 No.15588115
    I dated a kobold once. It didn't last long after we found out that they're like ducks where it matters.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)07:06 No.15588126
    >>15588115
    Gasp! A doppelganger!

    I fought a doppelganger once. He was a real jerk. The whole time, nothing but "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself."
    >> GL Pretentious Hipster !!NU1qDw5ZF2C 07/15/11(Fri)07:06 No.15588129
    Rodney Dangerfield... in... my brain... must type... like this.
    >> Anonymous Prime 07/15/11(Fri)07:07 No.15588139
    You know what the problem is with halflings in your party? You're always at least one man short.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)07:09 No.15588150
    I've seen goblins gobblin', and I've seen a bold kobold, but I've never seen drag on a dragon.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)07:10 No.15588154
    >>15588126
    Dating one is even worse: if she's upset at you, you can bet she'll turn into your mother at the worst possible event.
    >> Anonymous Prime 07/15/11(Fri)07:11 No.15588161
    I once told this guy beauty and love are all in the eye of the beholder. So, he went looking for one and was never heard from again.
    >> Anonymous Prime 07/15/11(Fri)07:17 No.15588187
    So, I adopted this beast, but I seem to have displaced her.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)07:18 No.15588195
    >>15588154
    Isn't marriage great? No need to go to Sigil to meet the Lady of Pain.
    >> Anonymous Prime 07/15/11(Fri)07:25 No.15588230
    The other day I told our party that our new castle could really use a coat of arms. Turns out the barbarian was a very literal thinker.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)07:30 No.15588251
    A fighter fights, a crusader crusades, an assassin assasinates, but have you ever seen a toilet in a wizard's tower?
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)07:33 No.15588267
    And I said, "Beholder? Damn near killed her!"
    ...
    "With its magical eye beams."
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)07:47 No.15588345
    I remember the time I slept with a woman who cheated Death itself. She was still pretty new at it though. She was just a seven-year lich.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)07:49 No.15588352
    >>15588345
    She cheated Death. With me.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)07:50 No.15588355
    >A succubus tried to seduce me the other day. I had the willpower to resist her charms, so she stuffed a cockatrice into my pants to make sure I got hard.

    Wait -- how does a penis go about making eye contact with a mythical creature?
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)07:53 No.15588377
    >>15588355

    Cockatrices (who have the word cock in their name, not sure if you noticed. Heh heh, cock. heh, said it again, hehe) just touch you and they turn you to stone. In NetHack you can slap people to death with your COCKatrice, and if you put one in your mouth, such as if its in a can of cockatrice meat, you turn to stone.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)07:53 No.15588378
    >>15588355
    A cockatrice requires no eye contact, but touch.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)07:56 No.15588393
    >>15588378
    >>15588377

    I always assumed they worked more like gorgons, but I guess the chicken God of the sea is a bigger fan of practicality than Poseidon.
    >> You can't spell bard without bad 07/15/11(Fri)07:56 No.15588398
    >>15588377
    >>15588378
    Indeed. Of course, it wouldn't matter even if he had the right idea. What man hasn't heard of the one-eyed trouser snake?
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)07:57 No.15588402
    >>15588377

    Well, you ever hear of the term, "one eyed wonder weasel"? Applies here too.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)07:58 No.15588406
    >>15588402
    >>15588398

    You guys understand that euphemisms aren't literal, right?
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)07:59 No.15588411
    Forgot i had a portable hole in my looting sack when i stored it in my bag of holding. That sucked
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)07:59 No.15588413
         File1310731170.jpg-(194 KB, 760x596, snakeskin.jpg)
    194 KB
    >>15588355
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)08:03 No.15588435
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI-HR4THP-k

    Why if I ever saw one of them cock-a-thingies...
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)08:05 No.15588451
    >>15587579
    I don't get it :/
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)08:10 No.15588466
    >>15588451
    the joke is that kobolds enjoy sexual intercourse with male transsexuals

    butt-intercourse, if you catch my drift
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)08:20 No.15588509
    >>15588451
    The joke: kobolds are awesome with traps. "Trap" is also a slang word for male transsexual, one that looks so much like a girl that to be able to seduce men, hence the trap bit. Elves are very girly.

    Conclusion: kobolds are good at dealing with elves.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)08:30 No.15588560
    STOP EXPLAINING THE JOKES
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)08:34 No.15588581
    >>15588560
    see what we were trying to say is that kobolds liek to make fuck to male elves

    via sodomy
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)08:46 No.15588638
    >>15588560
    Jokes are a story or phase designed to entertain people and hopefully produce an audible transmission, often called laugher.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)08:50 No.15588666
    >>15587579
    >>15588466
    >>15588581
    My girlfriend and I are about to get in a new 3.5 game. Thanks to you, I'm now tempted to suggest her that we'll play an elf-kobold gay couple.

    I'm not sure what she'll think of me if I do this. I'm afraid.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)08:57 No.15588707
    >>15588666
    Hey congratulations Satan. Is she a damned soul or still a lifer?
    >> Nothingmancer 07/15/11(Fri)09:20 No.15588827
    I dated a Fleshwarper once, she left me in stitches.
    >> Nothingmancer 07/15/11(Fri)09:21 No.15588837
    I thought my Artificer girlfriend was being kinky when she said she wanted to show me her toys.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)10:08 No.15589156
    >>15588771
    But she agreed on playing 3.5 in the group with us!
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)12:43 No.15590271
    this thread is awesome.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)15:11 No.15591865
    Bumping awesomeness
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)15:13 No.15591885
    >>15591865
    Guess what.

    This thread is peanuts compared to other threads.
    >> Monster Baby Daycare Boss !HG6fkGXhas 07/15/11(Fri)15:23 No.15591979
    They say beauty is in the eye of the Beholder. Try to guess which eye.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)15:27 No.15592004
    >see this thread
    >about to respond 'srs bsns' mode
    >realize it's a joke
    >fap furiously while reading thread
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)17:23 No.15593027
    What a pseudodragon I got! We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room!
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)17:59 No.15593465
    >>15593027
    I... don't get it.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)18:01 No.15593485
    how the fuck is this thread still alive after 12 hours+?
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)18:02 No.15593494
    >>15593485

    This is /tg/.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)18:03 No.15593501
    >>15593485
    That's part of the joke!
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)18:04 No.15593510
    >>15593485

    Because bad puns are an art form, and my bard has to get his verbal ammunition somewhere.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)18:09 No.15593551
    >>15588115
    Corkscrewed?!
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)18:18 No.15593679
    >>15588406
    They are if you're a fairy.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)18:22 No.15593718
    >>15589156
    She's just humoring you. She thinks you're a loser for it, she's just not going to come out and say so, because women just aren't straightforward like that.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)18:25 No.15593751
    >>15593027

    Hah hah. You are a comedic genius.
    >> Anonymous 07/15/11(Fri)19:40 No.15594654
    >>15593718
    I dun' get it :(
    >> Anonymous 07/16/11(Sat)01:33 No.15597449
    >>15594654
    You're rather thick, aren't you?
    >> Anonymous 07/16/11(Sat)01:44 No.15597501
    Enough skill in Intimidate, you're the boss. Enough skill in Bluff, you're the king. Enough skill in Diplomacy, you're a god.
    >ftfy
    >> Anonymous 07/16/11(Sat)04:29 No.15598552
    >>15597501
    Boy, my time as a chosen was rough! I tell ya, my god carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet!
    >> Anonymous 07/16/11(Sat)04:30 No.15598559
    >>15598552
    And let me tell you about my luck! I tell ya, my Preform rolls were so low I caught a peeping tom booing me!
    >> Anonymous 07/16/11(Sat)04:33 No.15598571
    >>15598559
    My local adventuring guild, oh boy those were a rotten bunch! When I went in with my druid friend he was told his pet would have to stay outside!
    >> Anonymous 07/16/11(Sat)09:05 No.15599863
    >>15598571
    When I went in with my druid friend they told me that my pet has to stay outside.
    >> Anonymous 07/16/11(Sat)12:43 No.15600972
    The wierdest thing about having a monkey familiar as a bard is when it starts to ape you.
    >> Anonymous 07/16/11(Sat)19:48 No.15604275
    >>15600972
    Monkey see, monkey do.
    >> Anonymous 07/17/11(Sun)04:42 No.15609765
    >>15600972
    >>15604275
    Oh goodness I lol'd.

    >>15599863
    Missed my Rodney Dangerfield-esque joke.
    >> Anonymous 07/17/11(Sun)05:13 No.15610020
    >>15608307

    Too fat.
    >> Anonymous 07/17/11(Sun)05:22 No.15610075
    >>15608307
    Goddamnit!
    She would make for a great Valkyrie.
    >> Anonymous 07/17/11(Sun)06:08 No.15610415
    >>15608307
    >>15610402
    Me... kinda gusta.
    >> Anonymous 07/17/11(Sun)06:09 No.15610433
    What has happened to this thread?
    >> Anonymous 07/17/11(Sun)12:16 No.15612708
    >>15609765

    glad I could make you laugh (the guy who posted the first bit)

    but it's probably the second bit that tied it together.
    >> Anonymous 07/17/11(Sun)12:29 No.15612805
         File1310920171.jpg-(57 KB, 500x500, drowning lol 1281284725128.jpg)
    57 KB
    did you hear the one about the chef gamer? He loved to slice and dice
    >> Anonymous 07/17/11(Sun)16:38 No.15614857
    rolled 4 = 4

    I cast "Animate Thread!"

    C'mon, buddy, I thought you was playin' here all weekend long?
    >> Anonymous 07/17/11(Sun)18:11 No.15615681
    >>15614857
    You should've cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter.
    It might seem cheap, but you'll never die on stage again.
    >> Hopeless Necromantic 07/17/11(Sun)18:20 No.15615741
    I went to the local mercenaries guild recently, looking for some disposable companions. Their swords were all reasonable priced, saved for one rather squat, bearded fellow with a penchant for alcohol. I asked him why that model of mercenary was so expensive...
    I bet you can finish this joke yourself.
    >> Dogstar !!sKGW1u0HNtI 07/17/11(Sun)18:39 No.15615911
    >>15615741
    How about you put in the damn effort?

    But if the thread has to end, let us end it properly.

    You soon will be out facing danger and strife,
    You soon will be fighting and risking your life.
    I know there is use for my saber and knife;
    Alas, I will not be along.

    We all have my limits, and I'm nearing mine;
    And so, with your pardon, I'll have to decline,
    For I've an appointment with women and wine,
    And gaming and music and song.

    It's been far too long since I've gambled and drank,
    Too long in that dungeon, disgusting and dank,
    Too long amidst refuse, repulsive and rank,
    Too long without love and romance.

    Before I embark on some hazardous quest,
    Before once again I am put to the test,
    If I don't take time to recover and rest,
    My sanity hasn't a chance.

    It's not that your company isn't a thrill,
    I'm truly impressed with your courage and skill,
    And happy to journey beside you; but still,
    I need to be free for a time.

    When we meet again, we'll have stories to share,
    So 'Vaya Con Dios'; good luck, and take care.
    May travel be pleasant, and fortune be fair,
    And may you find meter and rhyme.
    >> Anonymous 07/17/11(Sun)18:40 No.15615917
    A dwarf walks under a bar.
    >> helpful comrade 07/17/11(Sun)18:43 No.15615945
    >>15615917
    A dwarf walks out of a bar
    >> Dan the Viking 07/17/11(Sun)18:45 No.15615969
    Every dwarf I've met is a total hipster.
    They always talk about how their stuff is so underground.
    >> Anonymous 07/17/11(Sun)18:47 No.15615984
    >>15615945
    Bullshit
    >> Anonymous 07/17/11(Sun)18:48 No.15616001
    >>15615945

    Now THAT'S funny!
    >> Dan the Viking 07/17/11(Sun)18:50 No.15616017
    >>15615945
    That one took a minute to set in.
    Haw.
    >> Dogstar !!sKGW1u0HNtI 07/17/11(Sun)18:51 No.15616024
    >>15615945
    I've seen it happen. Of course, he followed it by burping, then telling his friends "This one's empty, where's the next?"
    >> helpful comrade 07/17/11(Sun)18:52 No.15616036
    >>15615984
    >>15616001
    >>15616017
    Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week
    The dwarves though, they're here to stay



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