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  • File : 1313787654.jpg-(349 KB, 1016x1226, Cthulu_office.jpg)
    349 KB Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:00 No.15994115  
    Elves are the antithesis of dwarves. It's offical.

    I'm the manager a insurance company. We do houses, mines, trees, tombs, the works. And, to help us with it, we have a varid staff. Humans, Vampires, Centaurs, Dwarves (oh how I love dwarves!) and Elves. Dwarves will works to he's work, not to his clock, but try and get an Elf to work! It's either "Today is the day I must honor my tree" or "Today is the day of Great godess 12372#". All of them end with "So this is a cultural holiday."

    My boss is an Ogre, and they understand pregudice. I mean, us humans treated them like walking carts, before Good old Prime Minister Lincon freed them all after the civil war.( I heard over the water that the South American States still treat them like that), and if he catches a hint of disagreement, he has promised he will rip the head off my career. So I have to go along with it. But now, it's getting crazy. Some of the elves are only working about twice a fortnight, and getting full pay to do their stupid rituals. It's making me look bad, and even the dwarves are getting tetchy at the work pileing up. I don't know what to do.

    Any idea what I should do? If I fire them all, I'm going to have to face the Ogre and the Inter- Commenwealth Races Rights Assosiation as well. But I can have them slacking off like this!
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:13 No.15994273
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    Why don't you just cut their pay and offer some sort of performance-based bonuses?

    There's no way any sort of anti-discrimination organisation would stand up for them if it's as you say... such abuse of their minority status would make the whole look very, very bad. Maybe you could even ask for their help in the matter?
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:23 No.15994424
    I suppose...but aren't they mostly non-human? I don't thrown out at the door.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:26 No.15994453
    >a varid staff
    Close, OP. So close.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:27 No.15994461
    It seems that paying by performance rather than flat hourly wages would do better. Kinda like car salesmen.

    Course, when that happens it sends competition--and with it, backstabbing tactics--through the roof...
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:32 No.15994513
    In America, every day is technically a holiday for something; "Official Talk Like a Pirate Day", "Official Wear Green Socks To Work Day", etc.

    Just tell those pointy-eared fuckers they're only able to take off work for government-recognized holidays.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:38 No.15994564
    I don't know why, but that picture has never been anything less than adorable to me.

    And I'm not even particularly fond of Draeni...Drini... whateverthehell.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:39 No.15994575
    And of course some free time of their own choosing. Like 3 weeks per year of work, at their disposition (with notice a week before). They have more holidays? Oh well, let's not be prejudiced, you can negotiate terms of employment individually... And then even allowing them to take pay-less days off is your sign of good will.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:42 No.15994611
    Put this into your contracts: religious holidays have to be applied for and are taken out of your allocated leave. Failure to turn up for work is a sackable offence.

    Problem solved.

    Alternatively, pay for a real HR department.
    >> Ilsenhoon, CEO Tentacular Industries 08/19/11(Fri)17:42 No.15994613
    I have personally found that the optimum solution for situations such as this is to enforce a strict policy of racial and sexual equality. That is to say, as far as I am concerned, your race is truly irrelevant. Your skills and services are all that concern me, thus any attempt to bum free privileges for being the last of your species will cut no ice, and will quite probably result in the termination of your contract. I am not unfair in this, and make certain that every employee understands this clearly from the moment their period of employment starts, and ensure that they sign the correct waivers such that they will be unable to cause distress to hard-working members of the company by filing frivolous lawsuits.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:49 No.15994676
    Should have hired Tieflings. They don't fuck around when it comes to money-making and you're not going to be seeing many take 'religious holidays.'
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:51 No.15994704
    Lol, north americans and their squid management caste. And to think you ridiculed the Old World when we enacted equal rights from humanoid races two centuries before you even started letting them in. How is that Octopus-mafia treating you? I heard, that for every tentacle you cut off, eight more will grow.

    >situation iforessa
    yeah, captcha. Everyone could have seen that coming.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:53 No.15994733
    I suggest you quit your job, citing your boss as the reason. That way you leave what is clearly a dead-end failing company and implicate your retard of a boss. It's win-win!
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:54 No.15994743
    Actually rather well. Since the laws on potions are so loose at the moment I can make a killing on noise reduction and cammo brews. It isn't as rewarding as giving a homeless gnome a potion for a weeks worth of sustenance but it pays the bills.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)17:57 No.15994792
    This is a good plan. With the emerging markets in the Underdark and Atlantis, you can easily find a new job.

    Also, Ilsenhoon? Still waiting on that press release you said you'd have ready by last tuesday. The Board is unamused.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)18:01 No.15994844
    OP is a human, don't tell him to go to Atlantis. I doubt very much we wants to be fish raped then drowned to be washed up in India.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)18:07 No.15994911
    I can see why your CEO.

    It's fine with British elves, but American elves! Jesus! Take every fucking liberty they can. "I was alive before your boys even came the idea of a boat!" My god! We almost wiped them off the planet, colinised there land and put it under human goverment for hundreds of years and they still give me sass!
    >> Someone else. !!Qb2aRW+wCPO 08/19/11(Fri)18:10 No.15994941
    Personally, I wouldn't mind working with elves, since my industry is about the only one where the specific HOUR you attend work each day matters, even if duration of shift is variable in the extreme. They don't want to show up? Fuck 'em! I'll take their contracts.
    >> Ilsenhoon, CEO Tentacular Industries 08/19/11(Fri)18:13 No.15994984

    Are they now? Are they aware that the products Xil'ivanya has been touting as the greatest thing since artificial neural tissue are easily traced plagiarisms from LaelRoth International? If the board wishes to drag this company's name through a midden, so be it, but I will not be the one to take the fall for promoting stolen (and likely faulty) products.
    >> Ilsenhoon, CEO Tentacular Industries 08/19/11(Fri)18:18 No.15995036

    Also, thank you; as a free tip, I would suggest tidying up your spelling. Potential employers are taking increasingly intensive measures to vet applicants (especially since deep packet ISP scans were legalised for corporate use), and even a small slip up can reflect badly upon your interview process.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)18:20 No.15995061
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    The board does not care about your personal vendetta, Ilsenhoon. Nor do they care about mine.

    Just keep your head down and do the job in front of you, and [b]I[/b] will handle Xil'ivanya.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)18:22 No.15995076
    I see this board lacks bold text. Awkward.

    Wait, what are you doing on /tg/ anyway? Aren't you supposed to be working right now?
    >> Ilsenhoon, CEO Tentacular Industries 08/19/11(Fri)18:27 No.15995135

    Good. Inform the board that once they have a product worth compiling a press release over, I will naturally resume normal duties. Until that time, I have other obligations to the running of the company that could benefit from the time otherwise wasted on a doomed venture.
    >> Ilsenhoon, CEO Tentacular Industries 08/19/11(Fri)18:29 No.15995164

    I believe I could ask you the same question, especially since I currently AM working; my capability to multitask is not insignificant.
    >> OP 08/19/11(Fri)18:30 No.15995173
    Hope your not implying I'm some sort of colonist, are ya? I'm part of the home land of your Empire! Although some of your yankee Prime Minister were pretty cool.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)18:31 No.15995191
    I'm waiting for a helicopter.

    And there it is. Gotta go.
    >> Ilsenhoon, CEO Tentacular Industries 08/19/11(Fri)18:33 No.15995214

    Be adequate, my friend.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)18:40 No.15995309
    Hey, guys, I have a dragon question.

    I myself am a quarter black-dragon (dad's a bard/half dragon ect. ect.). I'm considering dating this copper dragon chick. I've heard that dragons are p.serious about bloodline purity and all that, and I'm half Hydra/quarter Black Dragon/quarter Human (in other words, a convoluted gene pool). Is this all a species myth or what.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)18:50 No.15995401

    You're in luck bro, copper's are chill
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)18:51 No.15995414

    I don't know, man... I once met a lizardman that lived with a green dragon lady. They seemed rather happy couple. But I know that rumor, well, stereotype, well, common knowledge... many dragons are like that. If you make a good first impression, your particular lineage either shouldn't prove a difficulty, or else she's not worth the effort.
    >> Merriwether Extramortal 08/19/11(Fri)21:03 No.15996649
    Elves I have no problem with. It's the zealots that get at me. Look, yes, I realise your old tomes, scrolls, and testaments all say that trafficing with the Dead is evil with a capital E. But I am a liscenced, reviewed and monitored EMT (Extra mortal Technician), not Dr Evil VonWickedstein.

    I don't sacrifice virgins, I don't harass your dear departed uncle Larry's ghost, and no matter what Fox News tires to say, I don't raise the dead, I put them down. So please, stop picketing my damn office! Go do something worthwhile with your time!
    >> Someone else. !!Qb2aRW+wCPO 08/19/11(Fri)21:11 No.15996732
    Truth be told, though, even if I consider myself a balanced, rational kind of guy, I find myself hesitating after I see an orc leave the head.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:20 No.15996800
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    Your own fault for hiring darthiiri. Everyone knows they're just glorified bumpkins.

    Me? Second in my class from Quel'val Business Scholarium. You've heard of it I'm sure--admissions are cutthroat, not fully of entitled, legacy dimwits like your surfacer elves, who haven't seen a day's real work since their great-grandmother's time.

    I personally raised the efficiency of an offshore goblin garment-factory 83% in six months. And if you know anything about gobbo operations, you know their margins are down to the bone to begin with.

    "Manage and destroy." Words any executive should live by.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:21 No.15996803
    Could be worse. Not a single human alive, no matter how well endowed, that doesn't feel hung like a toddler after spotting a minotaur at the urinal. Sure, it's too big to do anything with humans or most anything else smaller than an ogre or centaur, so the odds of you losing your girlfriend or wife or whatever to one of those hornheads is virtually null... but dammit, it's still humbling as hell when their average while "inactive" is the size of your forearm...
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:30 No.15996852
    Is there any truth to the persistent rumors that most Drow, male and female alike, often "sleep their way to the top" rather than climb the corporate ladder through legitimate job-performance, particularly in businesses owned by other drow? Is Drow corporate-culture actually full of sexual nepotism?
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:31 No.15996864
    Female drow do not need to climb their way to the top. Thanks to modern feminism and their culture as it was, they are pretty much at the top by default. It is the men who climb to the top, one hole at at a time.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:33 No.15996871
    Registered paladin working freelance here, I was just working in South Africa (HUGE undead infestation, headed up by a cult from some old african voodoo, but you probably didn't hear about it, which I'll get to). The problem with elves isn't their holidays, their rituals, or even their prissy need to be clean.

    It's how they act with eachother, and especially their management, the Elders as they call them.

    For those of you that have kept up with how they've been treating man lately (and god help you if you're orcish or ogrish), the problem stems from the fact that they hold tradition over all else, ALL traditions. Even the bad ones that limit progress and hurt people (people being nonelvish). The government in South Africa is without a doubt the MOST corrupt government in the world. They hired us (me and about 40 other paladins in the region I was in) as a kind of task force to clear out the undead and the ones responsible.

    Now first off, the elves in South Africa don't allow their kind to practice divine magic. I don't know the reason, I don't care, but it boiled down to the infestation becoming an epidemic. They basically ignored the infestation when it was in the tribal areas, and by the time it hit the shanty-towns, it was beyond simple fire purges and whatever else the fuck those prissy arcanists do. It needed serious lightwork and experienced fighters (I was in Estonia in '06 if you're familiar with the Tallinn sewer incident). I was able to get the job, since I'm half fire djinn (almost all the others were mixes as well, with a few pureblood elves, they wouldn't hire men or anything "lower").

    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:34 No.15996880
    Sup everyone, I have a question for you all.

    How hard is it for beings of the more savage inclination to get into universities or the like? The recent standardized testing my school did rated me, a Gnoll, at third highest, behind a High Elf and a Human.

    Do I have a chance at acquiring a career beyond manual labour or bodyguarding?
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)21:38 No.15996915

    Research. I can almost promise they're just bullshitting you, and if you can prove they're full of shit you can fire them and replace them with better workers.


    Bah. My experience with Markets that have "Opened Up" in the underdark is that the only way to do business without hiring more guys in corporate espionage than you have staff is to partner with a local monopoly or oligopoly, of which there are a number.
    >> Alystin Cor'viir, Murders and Acquisitions 08/19/11(Fri)21:39 No.15996940

    A common misconception. Ilythiiri corporate culture tolerates--more precisely, expects--a level of fraternization that other races often find unseemly. We don't even have a phrase for "sexual harassment."

    Outsiders who encounter this sort of environment assume that all the fucking necessarily means favoritism. Quite the opposite; you can rut with a male from Accounts Receivable--all over his desk, even--without it having anything to do with his quarterly performance review. Everyone involved assumes workplace grab-ass has nothing to do with actual work.

    There's always a few that let their genitals get the best of them--and those that will take advantage of it--but it's a much smaller problem than you'd think. Nepotism is a bit more of a problem, especially in family-run corporations. That's when you often have to engage in a "alternative management practices."
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)21:42 No.15996962

    Yes, but you've got to work the game in your favor.

    I'm a licensed sorcerer and run a small business, and my mom was an elf and my dad was an orc. I get a lot of weird looks, but stereotypes can be overcome. It's not a good idea to play the "non-human" card unless you really, really have to, because it makes everyone else uncomfortable because no matter how bad it gets they won't see it until it reaches way out of bounds proportions, and they'll think you're "volatile" if you don't keep your cool.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:43 No.15996976
    Long as you keep your grades up and finish as high as you started, I don't see why you'd have to settle for some lower-class job just because of your bloodline.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:45 No.15996991
    Knowing my luck, as awesome as that sounds, I'd never get hired at such a place.
    >> Alystin Cor'viir, Murders and Acquisitions 08/19/11(Fri)21:45 No.15996996

    Also a persistent misconception. Yes, the majority of management positions are still female, despite our equal-opportunity practices. This doesn't mean that every female has a fast track to the top. I myself had four sisters, two of them summa cum laude and one of them a fucking Vroades Scholar. Good thing she decided to go into politics instead.

    Unless you're the firstborn of a Matronage, a female still has to kick ass and take scalps to get anywhere. And when it comes to how well that works, I think the numbers speak for themselves. Traditional family values at work!
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:50 No.15997046
    Thanks for the info and assurance, anon. Are there any particular strategies anyone could suggest? I'm proficient at most subjects, but I tend to enjoy the arcane arts more, especially neuromancy.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:52 No.15997063
    >Ilythiiri corporate culture tolerates--more precisely, expects--a level of fraternization that other races often find unseemly.
    Holy crap everything makes sense now.

    See, one of my best friends is a Drow, from Minnesota at that. If it's sentient and female, he will do everything in his power to score with it. Never understood that part of him. Great guy, really is. It's just that sometimes his hormones get a little...troublesome.

    The short version is that I saved his life from two minotaur women and he's my bro forever.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:54 No.15997075
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    OP, that's what you get for hiring wood elves. Some elves, like me, don't fuck around and don't try to lie their asses off to go smoke more 'sacred root'. The only holiday my people celebrate is the winter equinox, and that's only to seed the dead Earth with blood to awaken it. Old tradition, full of bullshit, but so very invigorating. A cold day, the horns blowing, the prey panting in desperation as it tries to outrun us till sunset, the delicious warm, firm feeling of a beating heart in your teeth...oh yes. And the rest of the year, we work hard and show those pansies what real elves look like.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:55 No.15997080
    Two minotaur women... with his hormones... and he's an elf. My gods, man, has that fool no regard for personal safety?
    >> Alystin Cor'viir, Murders and Acquisitions 08/19/11(Fri)21:57 No.15997099

    I passed up a position with a firm in San Francisco because they were a human operation with an active HR department. Feh! Terrific bonuses at that place, too, but I don't want to work in a place where all the males won't send me a picture of their cock for fear that some stick-in-the-ass middle-tier flack with throw a hissyfit over it.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:57 No.15997100
    Man have you seen the fucking situation in Illithidia? Apparently there is a schism between the Elder Brains, main sides being those who want to accept other races and those who still eat living people's brains. Bet it's going to be a civil war. Thank god I am an expat, don't want to get involved in this shit.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)21:57 No.15997101
    You could always go for a non-human friendly franchise, or a niche market associated with sorcery. Maybe fixing damage done by supernatural creatures or doing check ups on people exposed to them.

    I run a small summoning business where I hook people up with a reasonably safe entity that will meet their demands at reasonable prices.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:58 No.15997108
    Minotaur women are surprisingly docile when in heat, actually, probably to avoid setting off the male's natural territorial and aggression instincts. But if they weren't in heat, he's lucky to still be alive; minotaurs are very definite about 'no' meaning 'no'. I've seen guys thrown through brick walls for not taking the hint. Most of whom were ogres who took it as foreplay. I hate being a bouncer some days.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:58 No.15997112
    None whatsoever. Does all his thinking with his crotch.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)21:59 No.15997119
    So the basics of the situation were this, I would get a team of 25 convicts (varying crimes, but all of them were men or orcs with one ogre and a gnome). We were to surround a shanty, and slowly penetrate to the center turning and cleaving all the way. The convicts were essentially to be meatshields, but fuck that and fuck the South African government. I didn't plan on losing any of my comrades, and they were promised freedom if they survived. Being of the freedom specialization, this rung well with me.

    Now the other paladins were mostly in the same boat, freelance that can keep quiet, although a few from the vatican were actually present, probably a sign of good faith from there.

    I was the only freedom in this particular region (no surprise there, outside the BoF there's not a lot of us) so they took this as "special". So the fucks gave me the highest populated sector to "purge" as they said.

    An elf Val'Afier was in charge of the region, a slick little shit that obviously wanted a success on paper to get in with the Elders. He had a few pet paladins that he had in the mission, elves from a German abbey I believe. Probably hired from family connections.

    My team consisted of too many to name, but they were mostly political prisoners, and aside from the gnome and ogre, all skinny intellectuals who probably spoke out against the government. The ogre had killed a half elven official when he fell on him (had it been an elf he'd have been shot on the spot) and the gnome was a war criminal from Egypt, a merc I think.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:01 No.15997144
    I don't know, I don't wanna be racist or anything, but I've always felt uncomfortable about your kind running around in leather and with a whip. I get it's an important ritualistic thing, but is it really necessary to whip it so close to me all the time?
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:01 No.15997146

    And this is how Drow got the reputation of being oversexed perverts. Because they are.
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 08/19/11(Fri)22:02 No.15997150
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    Quick question for you guys.

    I'm the victim of an offensive polymorph spell. I was turned into a cat, but I've still got thumbs and my human brain. Are there any good jobs for me out there? I've been stuck in carpentry ever since the incident.

    Pic related, it's a picture my co-workers took and captioned.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:04 No.15997172

    You got polymorphed and you're still trying to work? If that's how you find meaning in life cool, but were it me I'd file the necessary legal papers and try to enjoy what's left of my brief cat life.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:04 No.15997176
    The whip is an important symbolic instrument of power and control, a symbol that we will never bow to anyone, ever again, and control those too weak to control themselves. I personally don't like the thing much, though. It's not personal enough and doesn't project the menace it used to, back when most societies were slaveholding. I prefer the knife, personally. It's almost as good a symbol of freedom and power as the whip, and people don't snicker when you threaten them with one. Win/win, in my opinion. And leather is very protective, durable, practical, and useful. Cloth is just too fragile, I'm sorry.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)22:05 No.15997179
    Your coworkers are dicks. I was once polymorphed into a pigeon for a day, and mine kept throwing birdseed at me. Fucking kicked their ass when I turned back. Thank god for psionics.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:05 No.15997187
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    Apply to your local rogues guild, they'll be delighted. I've been working for them ever since I got resurected as a rabbit.
    >> Young-ish Gnoll 08/19/11(Fri)22:06 No.15997197
    Thank you for the information, sir. Who knows? I may just open a private practice one day.
    Forgive me for asking, but what sort of Elf are you? My google-fu is severely limited; my parents absolutely love using parental controls.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)22:06 No.15997198
    Why don't you use Kevlar? Leather doesn't stand up against guns or magic.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:07 No.15997203
    Except this isn't true

    The minorities are king in America
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:07 No.15997209
    I should show you one of my friends and her drow boyfriend. Whenever those go out to places people are *shocked* that they're together. This dwarven woman has a reputation amongst those she has bedded of being insatiable. Somehow these two are still together.
    I saw their bedroom once. It was creepy and there was a large amount of blood on the ceiling and walls.
    >> Alystin Cor'viir, Murders and Acquisitions 08/19/11(Fri)22:08 No.15997215
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    Oh my.

    Contact my girl. I'm going to have to reconsider that Johannesburg project; would be plenty of time for some networking.
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 08/19/11(Fri)22:08 No.15997218
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    The doc (pretty cool Warforged guy, by the way) told me I'll live out my days as if I were still a human... so I've got about 60 years left in me. I need to make money.

    And I can't sue the perp. He was killed in a shoot-out with the police... though the police aren't the ones who killed him. He Sequenced three Gate spells... centered on himself. The pit fiends went on to murder half the local department, though I think they might have been raised. That's some damn good insurance they've got.

    I don't think there was a piece of him left that was any larger than a tooth.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:09 No.15997220

    (I assume that's because the word gets keyed in with other smut key words in searches in the blocker's repository.)
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)22:11 No.15997234
    >>Why don't you use Kevlar?
    Leather is considered 'cultural' for drow, and thus acceptable in the workplace, but due to ass-backward human laws, Kevlar clothing is considered a sign that I plan to shoot up the place. I use a combination leather/Kevlar outfit enchanted with protective magics when I want to feel safe, but that particular outfit cost me a couple months' wages, and I can hardly wear it every day. And for some reason, some of the humans get all giggly when I pass by them in full leather armor carrying my whip and knife. Humans are such horny, perverted bastards.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:11 No.15997235

    Might I suggest finding an aging cat lady as a sugar momma?
    >> Alystin Cor'viir, Murders and Acquisitions 08/19/11(Fri)22:11 No.15997239
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    It's no different from the fraternal organizations they have in human universities. I love walking into an office and seeing one of these on the wall.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:12 No.15997246
    Typical Drow song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb4mj6819hM
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:12 No.15997247
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    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:13 No.15997253
    You see, OP, this is an age of tolerance, and that's not set to change anytime soon. You've gotta learn to play the system. What you really need is to get in touch with your own "cultural heritage" so to speak. Back in the day, us humans really knew how to have a good time, and make a religion of it at that. Just tell your boss that your ancestors were members of one of the old pagan pleasure cults, and you're going to exercise your right to honor their traditions.

    When it's your sacred duty to Dionysus the God of Wine never to be entirely sober, it's much easier to put up with the silly rituals the elves use to skip out on work. The more the higher-ups ask of you, the more "pious" you should become. Board meeting coming up? Well that's just too bad, since you have to attend that 48 hour drunken feast and orgy. Caught drinking on the job? Well that's just the holy sacrament, brother.

    It's really a win-win situation; if you get away with it, well life's never been better. And if not, I know a good lawyer that'll have you set for life on a discrimination suit. He's a real "devil" if you know what I mean.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:14 No.15997257
    Kevlar can't be enchanted as easily as leather can. Just one of the quirks with it.
    I mean think about it: Have you ever seen an elf wearing kevlar? No: They typically wear enchanted leather. Has something to do with it being closer to nature or some such.
    >> Alystin Cor'viir, Murders and Acquisitions 08/19/11(Fri)22:14 No.15997259

    Awwww, who's a pretty little kitty? You are! Yesh you are!
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)22:14 No.15997263
    Drow, specifically 'surface drow'. I could get into how the entire term is racist and dates from ancient cultural assumptions, but if I say I'm Llammenz-Tribe, 80% of non-elves won't know what the fuck I'm talking about, and with most elves, it's a good way to start a tribal pissing contest.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:16 No.15997271
    Now the mission was to be in the day, and the entire shanty was fenced off. I was in the lead, my convicts were to bring up the rear with the ogre and the gnome up front with my. I had my bullets sanctified and gave the gnome an extra clip of mine while the ogre had a bigass stick. There weren't enough guns to go around so about half the cons were given nightsticks.

    Long story short, the shanty fight was bloody. Moreso than it rightfully should have been. In the brief times I saw the other teams (an elf one one side, and an aasimar on the other), there was a good bit more blood. A bit of knowledge some people don't know among those who deal with the undead is that they don't bleed if they're not fresh, so blood meant new zombie or a civilian. There was a lot of blood on the elf's side.

    I lost three men and the ogre lost a finger. But the real kicker is the total tallies on casualties inflicted, not taken.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)22:16 No.15997272
    Well it would be better if your cultural dress covered the thighs and cleavage. I myself just wear plate armor, it's practical, defensive and legal, and is the uniform of the Illithid Elite Guard, which I used to be a member of back 50 years ago.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:17 No.15997284
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    Move south
    >> Young-ish Gnoll 08/19/11(Fri)22:17 No.15997285
    This guy knows what I'm talking about. I had to practically jump through hoops just to access this site, and I don't want to wrestle with more coding just to find out what sort of Elf has such carnal tendencies.

    I would ascertain that these are not Drow we're talking about here, as there was mention of having holy days coinciding with the changing of the seasons, something the Underdark is lacking in.
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 08/19/11(Fri)22:17 No.15997287
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    Uh, I don't think so. I like being able to do things outside of my house. A stereotypical crazy cat lady would be way too overprotective.


    If I could still wield firearms without being knocked over by the kick, you'd be getting a 12 gauge surprise.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:18 No.15997296
    You know, there was a rather famous detective who used a cat for a sidekick. Think his name was Raidou... Kuzonoha?
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)22:19 No.15997301
    >>Covered your thighs and cleavage
    Freedom of movement is important. I prefer not to be armored so heavily that I can't dodge, and keeping the thighs free helps greatly, and you'd be amazed at how helpful it is to keep the upper torso as unrestricted as possible. A few minor extra enchantments to deflect blows away from the vulnerable spots are all it takes to make it quite a sound suit, and the whip helps force others to keep their distance until you're ready to go for the throat.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:20 No.15997307
    -Humans- are the horny perverts?

    This from a -Drow-?

    Oh merciful gods save us from the ignorant.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:20 No.15997314
    Hey man, I'm a Half-Elf Bard. If I partake in the sacrament of Obad because I want to take the edge off, that's my fucking prerogative.

    It's not like I'm fucking destroying my lungs. I've got a buddy who's a cleric, I've seen what that tobacco shit does to a human and the cost of the restoration rituals.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:21 No.15997318
    Typical elf. Use your whip all you want, I know the art of MeShootYou. Where's your armor when there's an AK looking at you?
    >> Alystin Cor'viir, Murders and Acquisitions 08/19/11(Fri)22:21 No.15997323
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    >Well it would be better if your cultural dress covered the thighs and cleavage.

    ...I don't follow you.

    Not that I'm a fan of "armor tailoring" myself. Kind of a Continental thing. I prefer the sub-Alpine spidersilks.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:24 No.15997339
    My count.
    >Lost- 3
    >Wounded- 12
    >Civilians Casualties- 18
    >Undead Exterminated- 141

    The elf next to me
    >Lost- 17
    >Wounded- 6
    >Civilians Casualties- 83
    >Undead Exterminated- 90

    Obviously a difference in quality, although I did get a bonus I spent on airline tickets for my remaining comrades.

    The elders considered it a success and moved the living civilians to an even BIGGER shanty. Lesson learned.

    Worst part is I heard those fucking "paladin" elves bragging on their kills, and if it wasn't during a closing meeting surrounded by armed guards I'd have knocked the shit out of all three of them.
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)22:24 No.15997341
    The reasons we have for our dress and choice of weapons are entirely logical, culturally and militarily. It's you perverted humans fetishizing it that makes us sound like perverts. For the record, no one had even heard of a BDSM fetish until humans invented it; other races consider being tied to a post and whipped raw a painful punishment rather than an opportunity to hump the post.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)22:24 No.15997342
    All this stuff about practicality and yet you don't give up the whip and knife for a gun or wand?
    The humans fetishize the mammaries and thighs. Thus exposing the skin in those areas makes them aroused.
    >> Patchwork 08/19/11(Fri)22:24 No.15997345
    Had you considered applying for a break enchantment? Or does your healthcare not cover it? Hard to argue it's a pre-existing condition then.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:24 No.15997348
    >He's a real "devil" if you know what I mean.
    That's racist. Just because most lawyers are tieflings doesn't mean you have to go around spreading that sterotype. What's next, you're going to say how someone tiefed you out of a promotion?
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:25 No.15997357
    Do you know how hard it is for a tiefling girl to find work that isn't in a sleazy bar or a strip joint?

    It's pretty hard. So please, don't complain about your jobs in your air conditioned, cushy offices while I'm forced to be on my feet (In slutty clothing, no less. Do you know how sweaty you get in leather?) taking steaks and liquor to you fine folk.
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 08/19/11(Fri)22:25 No.15997359

    Uh... in most states, possession of and wearing kevlar or ceramic body armor is perfectly legal. Uber-blue states are pretty much the only places that will prohibit either of those things.

    Of course, for all I know, you're living in the UK, where pepper spray is considered a firearm.
    >> Grond 08/19/11(Fri)22:25 No.15997361
    Grond is good Ogre. Me find good job working for tek company working as sekurity. Grond has question though. Is seksal harasment also happen to Ogre? Grond not clever, Grond knows, but Grond not sure if elf lady is just being nice or being harasment.

    She brings Grond food on late night at work. Grond like her, she nice, but she sometimes pats Grond in bad places bossman said not to. What should Grond do? Grond like food, but Grond not sure if lady should talk to Grond like mate.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:26 No.15997363
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    Read the post, my good friend! She mentions what kind of elf she is right there and then - a wood elf! Are you interested in perhaps meeting some fine wood elves? I should let you know now without some expert help you are likely to get rejected time and time and time again: wood elves can be very picky! Of course, *with* some expert help, and a little touch of magic, you could be gnoll'ing up those fine wood elf lasses in no time at all.... and my rates are very reasonable, no strings attached or contracts to sign ;-).

    I've attached my email address in case you are interested. I just love helping young romantics find love!
    >> Alystin Cor'viir, Murders and Acquisitions 08/19/11(Fri)22:26 No.15997364

    >The humans fetishize the mammaries and thighs. Thus exposing the skin in those areas makes them aroused.

    Not just humans. And that's the whole point!
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:26 No.15997365
    You would be suprised at what a limber elf only wearing leather could dodge.

    Sure, bullets travel 300 fps, but you'll end up with a crossbow bolt in your shoulder before your the trigger goes far enough to disable the guard.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:27 No.15997377
    Then explain why drow are the ones most commonly associated with the pain-is-pleasure/sadomasochism concept - even among other elves - instead of, say, centaurs or gnolls or naga.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:27 No.15997384
    >300 fps
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)22:28 No.15997390
    >>Where's your armor when there's an AK looking at you?
    Probably on me, behind you and practically touching you as I slit your throat. There's a reason you only usually see military drow in guerrilla and special forces detachments; we're naturally suited to the lifestyle.
    A gun can be foiled by a simple fail-weapons spell if it isn't warded, which most aren't smart enough to do, or assume has already done. I'm an office worker, not a soldier (Anymore), so I don't carry a gun on a day-to-day basis. When I want to kill from a distance, I'll happily use a rifle. If the kill-distance is close to medium range, a knife or spell works much better than a gun, in my experience.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:29 No.15997394

    I could hook you up with a "houseguest" that could cover up your appearance. I've had a Tiefling girl buy one of those summons before.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:29 No.15997396
    Try getting in touch with the Devils or Yugoloths if they are your ancestors. They are surprisingly decent, although naturally selfish. If it is a demon, well you are fucked. They don't care about their descendants.
    Bolts can't pierce proper armor.
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 08/19/11(Fri)22:29 No.15997398

    That's among the first things I did. And yes, my insurance covers reverse-polymorphing.

    Unfortunately, the guy who cast that spell on me was skilled in a way that was nearly impossible. Remember, he was able to cast three Gate spells. Simultaneously. There's very, very few casters out there who have the skill to overcome that much power, and they're usually busy with much more important cases, like the guy who was polymorphed into a Tarrasque's toe.

    That, or they're away on some kind of secret military base, researching things we don't know much about.
    >> Brian Goldershine, your friendly, local Tiefling lawyer 08/19/11(Fri)22:31 No.15997406
    Come to my office in the morning Mr. Grond, I think we can discuss your options there.
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)22:31 No.15997410
    Because we prefer leather armor, use the knives that cut our chains and use the whips our old masters used to drive us forward. Our indifference to pain and love of combat created an illusion of sadomasochism when we were merely bloodthirsty. When the concepts became fetishized, so did we. Fucking humans.
    >> The Original Ilsenhoon 08/19/11(Fri)22:31 No.15997412
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    >mfw someone reuses the name I made for an illithid bard back in the day on /tg/
    >> Alystin Cor'viir, Murders and Acquisitions 08/19/11(Fri)22:31 No.15997413

    See? All this worry and dancing around, when they could have gotten this all out of the way with a single quick session of "Hide the Rod of Wonder."
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:32 No.15997416
    Horny yeah, but at least that's honest. You know what you're getting when you go home with one.

    I went home with a drow chick from a party once, figured I'd have a good kinky time and then bail out.

    She cuffed me to a wall and whipped me for an hour then kicked my ass out. I didn't even pop a boner.

    When I asked where my upside in the deal was she said "A human got to be in the presence of my whip, consider that an honor."

    So I stole a few bottles of liquor from her place, including a HIGH end bottle of drow vodka (they would drink vodka wouldn't they?).

    Yeah horny AND thieving.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:34 No.15997431

    Now now, just because some women are self proclaimed "size queens" doesn't mean you have to put up with that kind of thing. Half Orcs, Orcs, Trolls, and others get tired of only being hit up because of our endowments. Kind of like the other Drow lady is tired of being viewed through a BDSM lens.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)22:34 No.15997437
    Try getting someone to cast "Polymorph Human". You'd look different but you'd be alright.
    Then stop using them. This is what I loathe about the Drow culture, it never changes for a better. You still have slaves, and we grew out of that after the Zerthimon Rebellion.
    >> Young-ish Gnoll 08/19/11(Fri)22:34 No.15997440
    Well, now I feel kinda silly... Thanks for the info, sir. There aren't many Wood Elves in my neighborhood, so I don't really know much about them.

    My parents said that I should focus on my schoolwork and not try to prove myself worthy for a mate... I'm sort of confused now.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:34 No.15997441
    Could I get a second opinion? This girl's coming off as a racial-superiority sorta arrogant bitch.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:35 No.15997442

    My ancestors are scumbags that won't even give me the time of day, let alone help me get a job that doesn't involve shaking my rear in a dwarf's beard.
    >> Grond 08/19/11(Fri)22:35 No.15997443
    Grond not fond of teeflings. Am not racist, no, Grond just warned about teefers by boss.

    Grond like elf lady though, Grond does. Is nice to be treated nice. Grond just wondering what Grond should do. Grond scared to tell boss, boss is Minotaur, and boss is not nice to elfs. Elf lady only working here because of 'a fern mite tive ack shun", whatever that means. Boss didn't sound happy when he told Grond.
    >> Patchwork 08/19/11(Fri)22:35 No.15997446
    Perhaps you should look into simply being polymorphed back. With the wealth of pictures of yourself you undoubtedly have, you can be as close to yourself as possible (or have them adjust things, some muscles here an extra inch there).
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:36 No.15997452
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    I can vouch for this! Us yugoloth are VERY accommodating if you happen to have any of our ancestry in you. We always look after our own!

    If you have baatezu blood I would be a little more wary. Whilst the lawful fiends will certainly take care of you, don't sign anything without spending a week analysing the fine print first. Of course, if you ever need a contracts expert, just contact me using the email above and we can sort out a very decent rate. I have over 10,000 years experience peeling baatezu at their own game, and I can guarantee you a minimum of loopholes!
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:36 No.15997453
    >When the concepts became fetishized, so did we.

    Oh bullshit. Drow women are the horniest on earth, and on top of that I've never met ONE who could get off without some handcuffs or a riding crop.

    But then again I guess male drow are a bit less... driven.
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)22:36 No.15997454
    >>I went home with a drow chick from a party once, figured I'd have a good kinky time and then bail out.
    Drow women are very good at detecting insincere dates simply looking for intercourse. She had no intention of having sex with you, because she'd already deemed you unworthy and thought you needed a lesson.
    >>She cuffed me to a wall and whipped me for an hour then kicked my ass out. I didn't even pop a boner.
    You weren't supposed to become aroused, you were supposed to be chastised for your rudeness to her.
    >>When I asked where my upside in the deal was she said "A human got to be in the presence of my whip, consider that an honor."
    It is an honor, it means she thought you were worth teaching, and not just dumping.
    >>So I stole a few bottles of liquor from her place, including a HIGH end bottle of drow vodka (they would drink vodka wouldn't they?).
    Vodka and other hard liquor is the best you get from mushrooms. Dwarf 'beer' is nothing of the sort, and one of the most successful bald-faced lies in the history of the planet.
    >> Brian Goldershine, your friendly, local Tiefling lawyer 08/19/11(Fri)22:37 No.15997459
    If you have the location of where this took place and a witness or two, we may be able to fill kidnapping charges, possibly even rape charges depending on the severity, against her, assuming you asked to be let go when it was obvious you were not going to receive any satisfaction from the night's exchange. I leave you my E-mail address and hope to hear from you soon
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:37 No.15997461

    Also, consider a glamour or illusion spell, or maybe start your own business.

    Before I was doing this I was working for a larger firm in outsider personnel management. Compared to what I did then, I make more money, have better hours, and don't have to deal with shit from bosses.

    Do you have any employable skills?
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:38 No.15997468

    Dunno about all that, because I definitely fucked her sister.

    And I'm guessing there would have been a lot more pain if she knew that.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:39 No.15997474

    Tell her she needs to stop or you'll have to tell your boss.

    Or fuck her.

    Your choice.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:41 No.15997491

    Employable skills? I can cook and clean. I can also do all sorts of... lewder things, but I'd like to get out of that line.
    >> Patchwork 08/19/11(Fri)22:41 No.15997493
    Careful dude. Because of the female image being empowered among drow, some males crossdress in an "immitation is the sincerest form of flattery" sort of way. Did you stick it only in "her" pooper?
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)22:41 No.15997494
    >>Drow women are the horniest on earth
    Slander. Humans will fuck anything, just look at all the "Half-whatever" races out there. They're second only to dragons and demons for sheer 'I want to put my dick in it' perversity.
    >>on top of that I've never met ONE who could get off without some handcuffs or a riding crop.
    You mistake our traditions for BDSM...I keep saying this, but your sexualization of our traditions is not our damn fault.
    >>But then again I guess male drow are a bit less... driven.
    Only true of some tribes, and even in the Menzoberranzen-tribe, there are exceptions.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)22:41 No.15997495
    It is still illegal. You Drow think you can ignore everyone else. If we acted like you, I would be in a Gith city constantly making spawn and yelling "ZERTHIMON WAS A DICK".
    >> Alystin Cor'viir, Murders and Acquisitions 08/19/11(Fri)22:42 No.15997499

    It's...old politics. You know how there are like five thousand different dialects on the Indian subcontinent? And all for one species! Some of the clans are rather more...traditionalist than others. My MBA whip is bronzed and mounted on a plaque behind my desk. It's a bit gauche to go around carrying actual weapons on this side of the pond.

    Now, that has nothing to do with what's in my toy drawer. But that's my business. (And that paladin's, if he has the stones to return a call...) But you know, people will point to the most theatrical or shocking part of one's nightlife as though it's all you do. Nobody says, "oh, those drow, they're the ones all into that consensual, mutually pleasurable sport-fucking."
    >> Grond 08/19/11(Fri)22:42 No.15997500
    Fuck elf lady? Grond don't want to do that. Elf lady too small.

    Grond may be looking for new job instead. Grond not clever Ogre, but Grond is faithful. Any places need heavy Ogre to work? Orcs always get the good jobs. Us Ogres never get anything decent.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:42 No.15997508

    Have you considered the restaurant business then? Tiefling food, or something suitably ethnic, could be a niche market and you'd have credibility as authentic given your race.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:43 No.15997510
    Yeah? And I suppose it's just a coincidence how they're overrepresented in all the highest paying careers?

    I mean, just last month the boss was looking for a new VP of marketing, and it was between me and a tiefling. Guess who got the job? That red bastard. At my performance review, the higher-ups had the nerve to suggest that if I went a little lighter on the mead, I'd have had that job. What business is if of theirs if I choose to observe the festivals of Odin? I didn't hear them say shit about his little brimstone "accident" in the copier room. That poor secretary... It's a damned double standard if you ask me.

    So yeah, I'd say I got tiefed out of a job, and feel good saying it. Sometimes I think there's more fiend in them then they let on...
    >> Brian Goldershine, your friendly, local Tiefling lawyer 08/19/11(Fri)22:44 No.15997516
    I've been needing a maid for some time now since I've made my third kid. Maybe we can come to an agreement. My E-Mail address is BGoldershine@Totmail.com. Send me your resume and we can go from there.
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/19/11(Fri)22:44 No.15997524
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    Now now, you said you are already 3rd highest in your grade- isn't that achievement enough! Your parents have your best interests at heart, but you need to reward yourself occasionally for all your hard work.
    >> Patchwork 08/19/11(Fri)22:45 No.15997526
    It only takes having one grandparent from the lower planes to be a tiefling. Some are closer to the source than others
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:45 No.15997529

    If you have a shipyard nearby you might want to try there. They are always short on people and looking for people willing to stay long-term. Also there's plenty of jobs that don't require too much brains.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:45 No.15997531

    Have you considered construction work? Try finding a job in a places without a lot of cranes or dump trucks, or where they are monopolized by bigger corps and kept off smaller projects: your skills will be in high demand and you can get in a lot of work.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)22:45 No.15997533
    Good. Once I heard that a Orc slept with a Halfling and accidentally sent her to the hospital.
    >> Brian Goldershine, your friendly, local Tiefling lawyer 08/19/11(Fri)22:47 No.15997554
    Oh, and make sure you own a, I think the human's called it a "French Maid's" outfit. They're very handy. To clean in, I mean.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:47 No.15997555

    Was that the "Seattle Slippage" incident? Because the media had a heyday with that one. It was... bizarre.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:48 No.15997560
    Oh hey there, /tg/. I was hoping y'all could help me out a bit. See, I recently started going out with the neighbor girl, a centaur. I should mention I'm human, by the way. Anyways, we started going out about a month ago and tonight she asked me to, well...

    She wanted me to brush her hair. At first I thought she meant just the hair on her head, but turns out she also wanted me to go over her coat. She was real embarrassed when she asked me, so I was a bit confused, but went through with it anyways. Afterward she smiled, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and we parted for the night.

    Despite having lived next to this centaur family for a good long while, I don't know very much at all about them. I know nothing about the significance behind what I just did. Could someone please explain it to me?

    Hey, this is /tg/, y'all still like storytime here, right? If you like, I can share some short stories about growing up next door to a family of centaurs.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:48 No.15997562
    Hey, I was wondering if you can help me out.

    I'm a professional bard (licensed, fuck those union faggots), and I was in Prague last week playing a gig. Long story short, an orc beserker got a little to frenzied by my music and I ended up with an Axe in my chest.

    I've got no beef with this guy, I play rowdy as hell concerts all the time, and my wife is a professional medic so she fixed me up pretty quickly.

    Only problem is, I've got some racist as hell Paladins of Pelor on my ass to nail this guy for vicious assault and battery when I just want to drop the charges. Is there anyway I can get them to take the hint without causing legal trouble for myself or this Orc fellow who found himself an unfortunate accident?
    >> Grond 08/19/11(Fri)22:48 No.15997563
    Grond doesn't like ships. Grond lost friend on ship. Little human girl. She was nice. Not nice like elf lady, but nice in non bad way.

    Grond work at building place before. Grond liked it a lot. Was replaced by masheen though. Boss said "Why pay Grond when masheen do it better?"

    Grond hates masheen.
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/19/11(Fri)22:48 No.15997565

    Have you considered serving some small time outside of earth? Blood war contracts are great at the moment and ogres always get higher pay. One year beating up pansies and you have enough money to never work again!
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)22:49 No.15997567
    You act as if I'm living in a human-dominated region. Some nations still have the old ways carry weight, and contrary to popular opinion, not all are anachronistic shitholes. My main worry is immigrants and tourists coming in and barging through all our customs like a rhino in a glassblower's workshop.
    >>Old politics
    You can say that again. Some of the customs and rules are older than the written word, like the aforementioned equinox ritual.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:49 No.15997579

    Try a smaller town. That way there will be fewer machines. Maybe a suburb?
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 08/19/11(Fri)22:50 No.15997582
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    Like I've said, I've tried. So have all the arcane, divine, and nature-based casters I've encountered. I'm fairly sure I'm stuck like this, unless some archmage, archdruid, or high priest decides to help me out.

    On the plus side, women think it's adorable when I hop up onto their laps.
    >> Brian Goldershine, your friendly, local Tiefling lawyer 08/19/11(Fri)22:51 No.15997592
    You may be able to get work as a gardener. You may have to work with a machine or two, however, but its work that may fit your profile.
    >> Patchwork 08/19/11(Fri)22:51 No.15997596
    Try and go with the provoked angle. Bardic music of the rock-out variety can get people super pumped. Since you played music that enhances aggression, you could get him off on under the influence of magic at the time.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:52 No.15997599

    Wait, you're a surface drow, and you're living in a non-human majority region that doesn't have a vanilla set of laws?

    I take it you're rich then. That's the only way you'd be acceptably safe from some of the wonky shit I've seen that goes on in my cousins' places.
    >> Alystin Cor'viir, Murders and Acquisitions 08/19/11(Fri)22:52 No.15997602

    It was her own damn fault. Everyone knows to stick to outercourse if you're into size-play like that. Lube up the inner thighs, and go at it.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:52 No.15997603

    That was such a mess, I knew the guy vaguely and by all accounts (except her later ones) she was into it until the end and had no intention of pressing charges. Then her bullshit lawyer "friend" had a conversation with her and she starts screaming rape. The guy ends up sentenced to 10 years, thankfully he only served 3.5 because of good behavior and overcrowding.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)22:53 No.15997614
    Well your customs are shit. They are cruel and outdated. Ilsensine's name, you don't realize that this will make you fall and then WE shall rule the underground as is our destiny.
    >> Grond 08/19/11(Fri)22:54 No.15997618
    Grond not made of money! Grond make enough to pay for home. Share home with other Ogres. Grond like the elf lady, she brings food, and Grond not have to worry about food for the day.

    Grond have to say no. Is good offer, but Grond's mom say don't hurt others. Is bad. So Grond does not.

    Grond work sekurity, not have to hurt little people badly. Maybe best if Grond not say anything. Grond is bad Ogre, but Grond want elf lady to be happy. Elfs usually not nice to Grond, since Grond an Ogre, but elf lady is very nice. She may be just doing that cultual fing you guys were talking about earlier.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:54 No.15997619

    One thing I've noticed is that there always seems to be a lot of drow/paladin fucking going on. I've always wondered why that was. Could you explain it to me?
    >> Young-ish Gnoll 08/19/11(Fri)22:54 No.15997622
    I feel sort of out of place here, what with all these higher-ups on the corporate ladder and such... There's even a freelancing paladin here, how awesome is that?

    Anyway, any suggestions as to which universities or colleges I should look for? My guidance councilor just keeps shoving brochures about rangering and wild beast maintenance in my face.
    >> Brian Goldershine, your friendly, local Tiefling lawyer 08/19/11(Fri)22:54 No.15997625
    Invite him to meet with you then settle for an undisclosed amount. It can be anything from a copper to a ticket to your next concert to a dinner at the local Gnomish buffet down the street. As the matter is settled they will stop bothering you.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:54 No.15997626

    It was anti-orc discrimination at its very lowest. They're all smiles and "you're a credit to your race" until some baseless and trumped up accusation comes out. Then they flip shit like you just came through their front door with an axe and demanded their women.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:54 No.15997628
    >My main worry is immigrants and tourists coming in and barging through all our customs like a rhino in a glassblower's workshop.

    Oh bullshit, just because you think your culture is so amazing and worth preserving doesn't mean it should get special treatment.

    When was the last time you saw a halfling or get pissed about having to use normal sized stairs? When was the last time an ogre bitched about having to stoop to get through doors? Or the last time a dwarf got offended at a dwarvish drinking joke?

    The rest of us deal with it, you drow aren't any better than the rest of us, you just bitch the most.
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/19/11(Fri)22:54 No.15997629

    Oh I love stories! Please tell! As for your predicament, all I know is that centaur bonding is a very slow and complicated process. Be patient: there are many ways to offend a centaur, but remember, as long as you are sincere in your apologies she will forgive you.

    Oh, and never, ever use the term 'mount' or 'ride'. They are very derogatory and your centaur lass sounds like a very upstanding girl.

    Remember my email once things have progressed a bit further. I can put you in contact with polymorph experts if you ever need 'enhancing'. Centaurs often expect a little more than humans can normally give.
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)22:55 No.15997635
    From a rich house, certainly. Independently wealthy? Certainly not. And we have plenty of 'wonky' laws. The law can get very arbitrary over what is 'culturally acceptable legal exceptions' and what is illegal. For example, a dwarf can openly carry a pick or axe anywhere that isn't a government building, and a drow can carry as many whips or knives as she wants, but not vice versa. The law bends over backwards to be acceptable to everyone and respect everyone's culture, and gets rather schizophrenic as a result.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:55 No.15997638
    The other day I found out that the drow chick I met in college has decided that I'm going to be her husband. She just came up to me and told me "I want you to marry me, we are now engaged"

    I'm really confused about this, for one she was always a really nice girl (for a drow anyway) and I don't think she'd ever force me into this sort of thing, on the other hand for all I know that's just how drow propose to each other. Really I'm just terrified that if I agree to anything she'll reveal that she's a sadistic bitch only when I can't escape.

    Of course, more than that I'm really confused as to why a drow would ever choose to marry a gnome, I thought drow hated us.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:56 No.15997643

    Whoa whoa, you're not making enough to live alone? You're capable of hauling things that only heavy equipment can do, you're getting cheated... where's that tiefling lawyer?
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:56 No.15997644
    I'm not saying I'm an expert in centaurs or nothing, but I have the sense she was getting more out of that than you were, if you see my meaning.

    Have fun with that one, cowboy.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:57 No.15997656
    Be honest with her, and if she doesn't respect it... then shit I guess use some illusion to avoid her for the rest of your life.
    >> Half-Elf Bard !!KBll3aM9H64 08/19/11(Fri)22:57 No.15997657
    Thanks. I just know these fuckers will ride his ass until he's on the pillory though. Upholding the law my ass, I've got a second cousin that's Half-Orc, fuckers.

    I've got a long time buddy of mine that's a pretty powerful sorcerer. He could probably hook you up with a Ring of Greater Wish if you have can raise a few thousand gp and get hold of a diamond or two.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:58 No.15997664

    Why? Dude's got a working arm, doesn't he? Long as he doesn't mind donning an elbow-length rubber glove whenever the girl gets antsy, there's no problem.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)22:59 No.15997673

    In most jurisdictions they CAN'T keep going after him if you've officially settled. He can sue them an win easily if they try.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)22:59 No.15997676

    See, my cousins live in a place like that. Mostly Wood Elf community with a lot of smaller ethnic communities, and I always hate visiting. Laws let people carry various weapons openly, loose laws on certain types of magic. Yeah, you ever been hit by an invisible flying drive by? You're protected by the shadow of your family.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)22:59 No.15997678
    Ogres need lots of money on food because of their metabolisms. I can sympathize, it is a real bitch to get brains this day and age. When I am low on cash I have to get pig brains from the butcher, and they are nowhere as good as the cloned elf brains.
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 08/19/11(Fri)22:59 No.15997681
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    It's worth a try. I think I've got an antique +4 Shortsword of Sharpness in my attic... would that work instead?
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)22:59 No.15997685
    >>you don't realize that this will make you fall and then WE shall rule the underground as is our destiny.
    And a habit for unprovoked megalomanical declarations of intent to conquer is why no one ever trusts your people. And again, 'surface drow'. I couldn't give two shits about the Underdark, to be frank. You can keep your mushroom vodka and mineral-tainted water.

    >>When was the last time you saw a halfling get pissed about having to use normal sized stairs?
    Didn't a story about some halfling going on a berserk rampage because of one 'shortarse' joke too many make national news not a month ago?
    >> Brian Goldershine, your friendly, local Tiefling lawyer 08/19/11(Fri)22:59 No.15997688
    I tried talking to him, he wanted no part of me.

    There's not much you can really do except for go with it or tell her no. I was in your shoes when I was younger: I opted to go with the flow since I was young and stupid. Turned out to be one of the better decisions in my life. The BDSM was... awkward at first but I grew to like it.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:00 No.15997691

    Maybe they won't listen to you because you're an idiot. Try learning to type Common. Were you raised on a slave farm?
    >> Alystin Cor'viir, Murders and Acquisitions 08/19/11(Fri)23:00 No.15997693

    It's all those old taboos. Role-playing, you know? Sometimes you just want to be held down and be purged of all your wicked sins. Or some good ol' corruption-and-defiling.

    Also, they keep active. Abs you could bounce a quarter off of. Mm-hmmm.
    >> Grond 08/19/11(Fri)23:01 No.15997701
    How is Grond getting cheated? Grond does job and gets money. Grond sometimes get paid in shiny things too.
    Grond is currently also on special masheen at work. Grond likes to go to /tg/, is what makes nights not boring.

    And Grond like pictures of cute things. Grond read sad story once of a Ogre named Gav. Grond want to be like Gav, but Grond doesn't have friends.

    Elf lady just came and went. She ask Grond about day, and asked Grond if Grond want to "hang out" sometime. She nice.

    Not sure if lawyer is needed. Grond is big Ogre, can handle self.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:01 No.15997703
    >Didn't a story about some halfling going on a berserk rampage because of one 'shortarse' joke too many make national news not a month ago?

    That was a kender actually.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:02 No.15997713
    It's funny that you mention that, because that'll come up. I should start at the beginning though.

    I was born in Arizona. Spent the first few years of my life there. Somewhere around the age of seven, dad had to get a new job. This brought us to Texas. Well, not just Texas, more like "Middle of Nowhere Dusty Central Texas." Granted, coming from Arizona I was already kinda used to it, but it's still not friendly terrain. We got a house out of the town dad would be working in and when I first heard our new neighbors would be centaurs, I wasn't sure what to think. Sure, I'd seen a few centaurs back at elementary school, but I never really knew any of them.

    Skipping ahead a bit, we get moved in and my folks get acquainted. I saw their daughter a couple times, but never really took note of her. I'm not quite the social type, you see, but that may as well be a given since this is 4chan, after all. Never really even met her for a few months.
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/19/11(Fri)23:02 No.15997715

    I could put you in contact with a polymorph expert my friend, but it sounds like you've had enough of 'Arcane experts' telling you they can't help. Have you considered contacting a silvanshee? Whilst they may not be able to cure you, you'll at least have the company of other intelligent quasi-felines to share stories and enjoy yourself with.

    I'm afraid I don't have many guardinal contacts, but will put aside my moral... qualms with their race to find one if it means helping out a brother in need such as yourself.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)23:03 No.15997719

    But the market says you should be making more, unless demand is low or there are a lot of Ogres in your area.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:03 No.15997721

    Tread carefully, most Drow aren't that bad but you WILL be getting the BDSM treatment. You'll need to make your decision fast but you'll need to think it through, if you go with it you're stuck until SHE gets bored, if you bail she probably won't ever talk to you again but that'll be the end of it...usually.
    >> Patchwork 08/19/11(Fri)23:03 No.15997729
    Hey, hey. No need to start tossing around raical slurs.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:05 No.15997738
    Bah, you politically correct types are the worst.

    What am I supposed to call 'em, if not that?
    >> Grond 08/19/11(Fri)23:05 No.15997740
    What market? Grond thought it illegal to sell Ogres on market.

    There isn't many Ogres here. Maybe... four-many? Grond not sure. Grond share home with two other Ogres, other Ogres only ones Grond knows about.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:05 No.15997744
    The problem is I don't really know if I want to go along with it or not.
    I don't think I feel "that way" about her but at the same time she's been a great friend and it's not like I never want to see her again.

    I just wish there was some way to take this slowly.

    Geez, there was a few guys here a while back talking about how they managed to deal with being engaged to about 5 different people at once, I wish they could give me some advice, maybe they know some way around it.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:06 No.15997753
    No racism there, it was a straight up descended-from-gypsies kender from Bulgaria that got a temp job at some firm.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:06 No.15997758
    Rather than looking for a new job, how about just talking it over with the elf? Don't take it to the boss, just have a private conversation between you and her. Just tell her the truth that, although her behaviour doesn't particularly bother you, you're pretty sure it's not appropriate for the workplace, and you don't want to see her get in trouble for it.

    Though if all else fails, I have a friend who owns a cabinetry company who'd probably take you on. He's always happy to help a soul in need, and a big guy like yourself would certainly be appreciated to help with the heavy lifting.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)23:06 No.15997761
    The Elder Brains are far superior to any leader you may have. They own the wisdom of countless generations, they respect the common man for the common man's memories are their memories, and they don't rape and torture people unlike you fucking Lloth-worshippers. Our god is a god of knowledge, your god is a god of foul arachnid vermin.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)23:06 No.15997763

    No no no, have you considered applying to a community college for a few basic business or economics courses?

    They would explain that since your services are in high demand and with low supply you should be making a lot of money. Strange...
    >> Alystin Cor'viir, Murders and Acquisitions 08/19/11(Fri)23:07 No.15997767

    Word of advice? Talk to the mother. Or grandmother. Matriarchal society and all that, ogres are surprisingly deferential if you go about it the right way.

    This kind of goes against my anti-union principles, but there are generally fraternal orders for nonhuman laborers for this sort of thing. Like the Trollmasons. They can do a lot for a young lad trying to get some proper job training.
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)23:07 No.15997768
    Okay, first thing I need to know is, is she from a surface tribe, or an Underdark one, and do you know what tribe she belongs to? If she hasn't said, then what city is she/her family from?
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/19/11(Fri)23:07 No.15997769
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    I've attached a picture.
    >> Half-Elf Bard !!KBll3aM9H64 08/19/11(Fri)23:07 No.15997771
    Sorry man, He says that the diamonds are important to the spell in someway or another. I mean, I can cast arcane but even I don't understand that much.

    It's not so much I'm worried about him being harassed about this one incident as much as them stalking him until they slip up, but what can you do.

    I did give him backstage passes to my next show though, and we had some balls to the wall Halfling Hibachi.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:09 No.15997780
    >>15997744 I just wish there was some way to take this slowly.

    There is, you can go with, the engagement is usually a long one, and then bail later if you decide to. But you'd better be ready to run, fast.
    >> Patchwork 08/19/11(Fri)23:09 No.15997783
    They're halflings, plain and simple. Kenders went extinct after they were forced to have geas put on them not to steal to enter an area containing another race. Turns out the kleptomaniacs didn't even know how to feed themselves otherwise.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)23:10 No.15997786

    Huh. In the Orc community women are still being empowered. Kind of backwards from what I'm used to. Still, that's a solution that didn't occur to me.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)23:10 No.15997794
    Carbon is the greatest natural conducting material, and in pure crystal it is exceptionally powerful. Even coal can be used in a pinch.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:10 No.15997795
    I had just gotten off the bus coming back from school and she was out front. I can still remember this quite fondly. We stared at each other rather awkwardly for what I'm sure was a least a minute or two. Guess I should include what she looks like to help with the visualization here. She was young, so she wasn't quite so tall, but she was still taller than me. Nothing really stood out about her, dismissing the equine portion of her body, of course. She has a coat the color of an old penny that's seen countless hands and registers and hair to match and these narrow green eyes that I can tell are studying me, trying to figure out what to think of me.

    So anyways, being a stupid kid, I break the silence. I believe I had asked if she wanted to do a puzzle. She gave me this confused look and asked me what a puzzle was. I return her confused look. Always willing to enlighten another, I run in the house, grab a jigsaw puzzle, and bring it to her. I show her the front and tell her that we have to put the pieces together to make that picture. She seems interested and we go to her house.

    I remember noticing how everything in the house was bigger, which, now that I'm not a moron anymore, makes sense. After all, centaurs are a larger people. Once I shook off the awe, I set it down on a table and we got right to work on it. Turns out she's a quick learner. She went from bring clueless to noticing slight little nuances in the picture that led to correct piece placements. It probably took us a couple hours to finish. Somewhere along the way her dad had come home and was watching, because I looked up after we finished and saw him standing there. Caught me completely off guard and I fell backwards, to which he laughed heartily.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:11 No.15997796
    Well... I've never met her family or anything but she says she's lived on the surface her whole life, although she did say that like it was odd.

    She's also rich as fuck, so I assume she's from some well off tribe.
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)23:11 No.15997801
    Again, surface tribe, my racially tunnel-visioned friend. I'm not an underdark descendant, much less a Menzoberranzen-tribe or a Llolth-worshipper, and I personally think spiders are the ugliest creatures that didn't crawl through a crack in reality to get here. For someone calling me out on being racist, you are quite insistent that all drow are Menzoberranzen-tribe.
    >> Grond 08/19/11(Fri)23:11 No.15997802
    Grond can't afford school stuff. Grond not smart enough anyway. All Grond is good for is for being big.

    Grond try that. Grond like elf lady, don't want to see her make boss mad and get rid of her. Grond has question though. What is 'date'? Elf lady use word, and when Grond ask, she said it was 'hanging out'.

    Why are elves confusing?
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:12 No.15997808

    They'll stalk him for a while and they'll fuck him up if they ever catch him doing something. But that can't be helped at this point. The best you can do is settle and in no time they'll be off to harass someone else.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:13 No.15997814
    Crystals tend to be good conduits for magic energy. The reason you see a lot of big spells using them is you can basically use the gem to hold the "charge" instead of you, which is useful when you got enough juice to rewrite reality being slung around. Double so if you're laying it onto a ring or whatnot as an enchantment.

    Anyways, how do you not know this? It's one of the most basic tenents of enchanting.
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 08/19/11(Fri)23:13 No.15997815

    I'll consider it. More than anything else, though, I'd like to be a human again.

    Although, I remain somewhat concerned. I'm essentially a super-intelligent housecat who's going to live for a long time. Is there any possible way I could get some kind of weaponry built into my body? A wand of Call Lightning, linked to my nervous system, perhaps?
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:13 No.15997822
    Grond, I think the elf lady likes you a lot.
    Agree to go out on one of these dates, if you have fun agree to go out on another one, if you don't or if she touches you in a bad place simply refuse to go on another date
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:14 No.15997825

    A "date" is the preliminary courtship ritual for most humanoid species.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:14 No.15997829
    >They own the wisdom of countless generations

    With that reasoning the Aboleths should be world leaders.

    But what do you know? They've been at war with Greece for a good 7 years now haven't they?
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:14 No.15997833
    Trust me. Coal is not an acceptable substitute. Unless you enjoy having the damn thing explode in your face. I should know, I tried it once.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:15 No.15997838

    Hmm... maybe I will accept.
    My uncle was quite the rogue back in his day and he's taught me a lot, I reckon I could run if things turn to shit
    >> Patchwork 08/19/11(Fri)23:15 No.15997840
    You still have thumbs, get a tazer. Cheaper, and no accidentally electrocuting things that piss you off.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)23:17 No.15997851
    We have mutual respect for each-other. Illithids are one of the few races treated without condescension by the Aboleths, and we admire their power and wisdom.
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)23:17 No.15997852
    Crash course in drow race politics. Tribes are large, self-contained groups of drow, basically like a human nation. Most tribes have clans or houses of closely-related families that form power blocs within that tribe. Most tribes are semi-hostile to one another, although in this day and age it's mostly cordial distaste. Every tribe has its own customs, and varies on its level of traditionalism.
    Sounds like she's an underdark drow that recently came into the light, meaning her family are relatively progressive, or, alternately, are exiles for whatever reason. That means she's likely to hold a few underdark values, but be very mixed and progressive otherwise. Tell her politely but firmly that you're a bit shocked by this and don't know what's politic, and talk it out wiht her reasonably. Some underdark tribes are very insistent that men are submissive to the female, so she may have been coming in with that expectation, probably put there by her parents. If so, either go with it or dispel it as gently as possible, since if you buck it when she is expecting obedience, she will likely try to discipline you for the infraction.
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/19/11(Fri)23:17 No.15997853
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    Your guidance counsellor is just trying to keep you down and in the mud. Sadly there is still a lot of racism out there for us more 'predatory' types. Hell, i've even been called a furry before! utterly disgraceful... it's like kids these days don't even know what an Arcanaloth is.

    My number one recommendation is the university of Khin-Oin. Don't believe them when they tell you there isn't much to do in the grey wastes: yugoloth know how to party like noone else, and you'll meet more than your fair share of gorgeous lasses! I'll let you in on a little secret: if you keep excelling as well as you are now, you might even get offered a study position in the Tower of Arcanaloth after your first year of College- from there, the world is your oyster ;-).

    Final piece of advice: stay away from any gnolls who talk about Yeenoghu. Whilst they are a very friendly and sociable type and I mean them no disrespect, they are unlikely to understand your more... academic needs.
    >> Grond 08/19/11(Fri)23:17 No.15997854
    A... what?
    You lost Grond.

    Grond don't know what date is! Grond does not know what you should do on one either. Grond like zoo, zoo man lets Grond feed baby animals. Once Grond got to feed baby dragon! It burnt Grond's hands, but Grond not worry, it was just baby.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)23:18 No.15997867

    Expect to get weird looks from her relatives if you do date her. If she's not in an elf owned company, then that means she's not from a powerful family or she's a black sheep. In that case you have a lot less shit to deal with.
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 08/19/11(Fri)23:19 No.15997878
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    See, that would attract unnecessary attention. Concealed carry > open carry.

    ...though, after some thought, I don't think I'd go with Call Lightning. What if somebody attacked me indoors? I'd be kinda fucked.

    The possible applications of Time Stop as they relate to escaping from an attacker are suddenly much more attractive. It's a shame I'd need a license for something of that power.

    Fuckin' 1934 National Magic Act restrictions.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:20 No.15997880

    You know when you grab an ogre female and bellow and if she's impressed enough by your strength and lungs she'll mate with you? It's like that only WAY more complicated and subtle.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:20 No.15997883
    A date is when two people go out together, generally it involves lots of talking and having dinner with each other, occasionally other activities are involved, if you tell her you like the zoo she'd probably agree to go to the zoo with you for a date.
    >> Brian Goldershine, your friendly, local Tiefling lawyer 08/19/11(Fri)23:20 No.15997885
    Funny thing is, that incident caused an intresting law many years later aptly named the Size Act. You probably know all about it; its the law that basically says every public place has to have seating, ordering, and bathroom facilities for all three sizes - Large for Ogres, Centuars, etc.; Medium for Elves, Humans, Tieflings, etc.; and Small for Gnomes, Dwarves, etc. - so that each race can be equally treated when they, for example, need to order food from McC'tan's. Problems still exist with it and I doubt it will be possible for it to be completely acceptable; regardless of how much you try it is difficult for a Centuar to give a Halfling a back massage. This, of course, means the masseuse has to hire a smaller being to serve that customer. Of note, it gives special preference to the races classified as 'Medium' because of the ease in which they can adapt to all three sizes.
    >> Half-Elf Bard !!KBll3aM9H64 08/19/11(Fri)23:21 No.15997890
    Hrm, makes sense, as he says that unless you have a charged ring or a prepared scroll, the energy required to use Wish would either age you fifty years or kill you in the most horrible way imaginable.

    I learned arcane magics from my Mentor, who taught me how to strum magic into existence through my music. It's hard to explain, but the Arithmetical bases of both Magic and Music are the same, and it's not hard to combine the two if you know how.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:21 No.15997891
    Uhh okay.

    Thanks. Really, I think I'll try that.
    I hope we can work something out
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:21 No.15997894
    He helps me get back up and looks at our handiwork. I remember that he complimented it and that we were both beaming at the praise, but I can't really remember any specifics. What I do remember, however, is that he mentioned that my dad had told him that I was a bit of a chess nut. See, it turns out he was an old hand at chess and he wanted to see how I could do against him. Being as cocky as I was, I hastily accepted. I ended up black and the game begun.

    Now, I've always been a rather old-fashioned person, even in my youth. I like things not of my age, but rather of ages before mine. My favorite chess opening, for instance, is an old old old move known as the Philidor Defense. My dad taught it to me knowing I have a penchant for antiquated things. See, it's such an old move that the people around my age don't know a thing about it, so I can use it to great effect. You first move the pawn in front of your king two squares, then you move the pawn in front of your queen one square. This opens up your queen and your bishops effectively quickly, giving you a wide variety of plays from there. So, of course, I use my first two moves to do that. I don't think I'll ever forget his words, they creeped me right out:
    "Ah, the Philidor Defense. Classic."

    My heart sank. Oh crap, he knows what I'm up to. Of course, his next moves set himself up perfectly to counter that. A while later he had me done. A crushing success on his part. He told me that I wasn't half bad, which I guess is pretty neat, but I was pretty quiet after having my crap absolutely beaten. He then pointed out the time, patted me on the head, and sent me on my way, telling me I was welcome any time.

    And so begins my long friendship with the neighbors, as well as a long chess rivalry with her dad, who I have not yet beaten over these sixteen years.

    Well, I need to go grab some food real quick. Think I'll recall how she broke my arm once I get back.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)23:22 No.15997895

    Magic laws are a little fucked up, but I understand why the public reacts so strongly to them. In places without strong laws against magic you gets pimps using charm magic and idiots going in over their heads because they have more talent than brains.
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/19/11(Fri)23:24 No.15997913

    I recommend picking up a side-course on sorcery in your spare time. That way if you ever get into trouble you'll at least have some basic spells at your disposal. Most community colleges run night classes. I won't lie: chances are you'll never be great, but all you need is a few magic missiles and most would-be threats will high-tail it.
    >> Grond 08/19/11(Fri)23:25 No.15997922
    Date is complicated and like impressing female Ogre?

    Why did elf lady want to go on date then. Male Ogre is supposed to start bellowing.

    Grond may try to bring elf lady to zoo. Maybe elf lady likes animals too like Grond. Grond can't pay for dinner though, and Grond not know what to talk about. Grond never been on date before. Most talk Grond usually has is just "Do this" and "Do that." Grond gonna be boring to elf lady probably. Don't want that though. Grond like elf lady. She good friend.

    Elf lady only one in long time who ask Grond questions about Grond. Maybe she can talk on date while Grond listen.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:25 No.15997929
    At the most basic level, a date is just spending time together doing something you (hopefully) both enjoy, trying to get to know each other better with the ultimate goal of figuring out if the person you're dating would be a suitable mate.
    Going to the zoo would actually be a very good choice for a first date. It's a public space, so it would be easy to keep things casual and avoid awkward sexual pressures, and in my experience there are few people, of any race, who don't like going to the zoo.
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)23:26 No.15997934
    You're welcome. It's the least I could do to help.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)23:27 No.15997939
    Now here's a fun topic: do you think we could ever have an Orcish president?
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:27 No.15997940
    I think the elf lady would like that a lot, although I think she'd want you to talk a bit as well.
    Also, elf culture is different to ogre culture, male or female can strart the "bellowing" in elf culture, although in elf culture no one ever actually bellows.

    Elves are weird
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:27 No.15997941
    Of course. I missed that you're a bard. Be thankful for what you have; as a sorceror I gotta keep my liscense up to date, which means wasting a whole weekend each year on magic theory lectures, which are boring as HELL, but I guess in hindsight, it's useful for something after all.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:28 No.15997951
    Maybe one day.

    Could take a while though, a lot of people still cling to the old values.
    I'm not even American and I know this
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)23:29 No.15997955
    Yeah, I remember that. Think they also inserted toilets for genderless races back then. I loved that, hated having to switch between male and female depending on my reproductive cycle.
    You should hear what it's like being a Illithid mage. They test you and if you haven't developed your psionic ability enough they ban you from classes until your magic and psychic powers are equal.
    >> Patchwork 08/19/11(Fri)23:29 No.15997957
    She probably likes that you listen more than you talk. Not so common. Just go dutch on the food, that way you don't have to hold back trying to be polite. Also just talk about what you like.
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)23:29 No.15997962
    >>Orcish president
    If you mean in America, not for a couple centuries. The Clan Wars left a bad taste in a lot of mouths, which won't fade for a long time, as humans and orcs measure it. We've already had a half-orc female Prime Minister here, though, so as always, America lags behind.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)23:30 No.15997970

    I'd like to think it's been long enough that we're all willing to bury the hatchet instead of worrying about anyone smashing anyone else's face with it.
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 08/19/11(Fri)23:31 No.15997978

    I don't need to be great. I just need something that will work with a single shot.

    Magic Missile isn't the most effective thing in the world, especially when you can only lob one at a time. Time Stop, though...

    Imagine you're chasing a cat. Without explanation, it vanishes and reappears several hundred feet ahead of you, or in a place that you can't access. Most people are going to stop their idiocy, think about what they just saw, turn around, and walk away. You don't even need to harm people with that one.

    I've got a clean record, so I should be approved for the license if I apply. Most security cameras are timestop-shielded anyways, so it's not like I'll be able to break in to anywhere important.
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)23:32 No.15997983
    Hell, even at 250, I still have to burn a week every year passing magic certification tests, and I'm not even a full wizard or sorceress, just a competent battle-magician with a few neat tricks aside from my racial powers. I can understand why they want to license it, but I barely use my magic enough to warrant such caution about it.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)23:33 No.15997987

    Eh. My mom was around for the Clan Wars, but she dated my dad anyway, even after all that crazy shit that went on.

    Seriously, I'm pretty appalled, but when I talk to the older guys people in the orcish community still insist that something fiendish was pulling the strings behind the incidents that set everything off.

    Then again do half orcs count as orcs?
    >> Half-Elf Bard !!KBll3aM9H64 08/19/11(Fri)23:33 No.15997991
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    Oh god yes. My best bro in High School was a Sorcerer, and his AP Ritual Casting homework made me want to pass out.

    >mfw his Spell Components purse
    >> Grond 08/19/11(Fri)23:35 No.15998000

    Do elfs like quiet fings and animals? Grond now worried. Is just like first time Grond went to find job. Teefling lady want to know Grond, and Grond not know what to say. Lady ask Grond to leave, thought Grond dumb.

    What is going dutch on food? Grond thought maybe elf lady like the fancy new Dwarf place. Serve good food there, and friend owes Grond favor for helping build place.

    Grond apologise for questions. Grond just wants to know.
    Orc can be good leader. Orcs strong.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:35 No.15998002
    Really, you shouldn't need to go to the hassle and expense of such a powerful spell. If all you're looking for is a simple way to get out of a tight spot, Dimension Door has all your bases covered. That would be a fraction of the cost, and wouldn't entail nearly as much in the way of red tape for licensing and such.
    >> Patchwork 08/19/11(Fri)23:35 No.15998003
    Call that bad blood? The wild elves (yes wild not wood they don't even use worked metal) still claim swathes of the Northwest territories,British Columbia, and northern Quebec as their land. They even had a standoff with the military after an incident where they were caught making a blood eagle with someone who collected firewood near one village.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)23:35 No.15998004
    I remember the Clan Wars. Back when I was in the Elite Guard, I remember having to stop riots in Chicago because of the fucking Stonecrusher Clan. Yes, it got so bad that our army had to support the US.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:35 No.15998005
    You mortals and your petty squables. You know what I like about Batezu? Yeah it can get hectic from time to time, what with your run of the mill "I'ma a chargin my smitan!" or some of the Arch-Devils getting into power struggles. But things are simple and management is pretty straightforward, if you weren't strong enough to hold your position ultimately you needed to be ran off and let someone who can do the job do it.

    Collecting souls and managing contracts isn't easy my friend, especially when you have ambitious young wizards who want ultimate power or succubi pussy summoning every 5 minutes? Asmodeus runs a tight ship and you mortals could learn a thing or two....By the way, if anyone is looking to get some things done we're offering really good rates for worshipers and devoted clerics...

    >ewpment umin

    Sometimes captch, empowering humans does have it's advantages
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/19/11(Fri)23:36 No.15998010
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    I don't think so. Did you know if I opened a business in America I would be inspected every WEEK for misconduct? 1345 years in this reality and they STILL can't accept some Fiends just want to make an honest living!

    I much prefer living in Australia anyway. Reminds me so much of home :-). Attached happy snap is the swamp of eternal suffering: one of my favourite holiday locations when I visit family back in Hades. I'm getting homesick just thinking about it!
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)23:38 No.15998021
    In my book, they count as whatever they identify most with. Prime Minister Shekla was a half-orc whose human mother abandoned her, raised orc, participated in the Rite of K'rk'la, took the Challenge of Gruumsh to initiate into adulthood, and served two full tours in the army to prove her worth. I don't care what you could say biologically, she is cultrally an orc.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:38 No.15998022
    Elves like quiet things and animals a lot, no problem there.
    Unfortunately elves don't really like dwarves that much, I don't know why
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/19/11(Fri)23:38 No.15998029

    Contact me if your license falls through :-).
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)23:39 No.15998030

    Except you guys only get the idiots. Competitors from other planes perpetually undermine you guys, which is why you don't get quality souls.


    Human economic monopoly was a problem, but things got way out of hand. At least we aren't elves with our own territories and special rights. Wait, no, that was ignorant.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)23:39 No.15998031
    Isn't Australia the place where Thri-Kreen come from?
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:39 No.15998035
    Sucks, doesn't it? I mean, I know they want to make sure we know better than to throw fireballs everywhere, but come on...

    Plus the weird looks you get when people find out you can do all this because your great-great-grandmother took a few suspicious trips to the elemental planes in her youth really piss me off sometimes.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:40 No.15998045
    Don't stress out too much over it -- it's pretty clear by now that the elf is perfectly fine with your quiet nature, and likes you quite a lot. Just be yourself, and I'm sure things will go fine.

    "Going dutch" means that you each pay for your own part of the meal, rather than the usual custom where the guy pays for the girl's food. With the modern trends in gender equality, going dutch is becoming more and more common these days, especially for first dates.
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/19/11(Fri)23:41 No.15998055
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    Yeah, that's right. They mostly stay out in the outback though: there aren't many of them where I live. They've been persecuted pretty bad in Australia's past and are still trying to recover. If I remember correctly, alcoholism is a big problem in thri-keen communities at present.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/19/11(Fri)23:42 No.15998057

    Meh. To me it's a question of how one is perceived than how they view themselves, since that's what matters in an election. Then again with modern campaigns I just don't know anymore. So much mudslinging.
    >> CAT !!fzMkxxrtKt+ 08/19/11(Fri)23:43 No.15998072
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    I'd have considered that before, but I had what you could call a bad experience with dimension doors in the past. My pet Aurumvorax was turned completely inside out. Poor little guy.

    ...little, but certainly not light.

    Anyways, have they upgraded the national teleportation network yet? I'd like to not suffer that same fate.
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/19/11(Fri)23:45 No.15998092
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    I feel you man. Everyone expects us fiends to double cross every deal and pervert every contract. If we did that we would hardly be good businessmen would we! I haven't been in this business for 10,000 years because I make customers unhappy, that's for certain.
    >> Grond 08/19/11(Fri)23:45 No.15998096
    Grond thankful.

    Do elfs like gifts? Grond makes Ogre equipment at forge for money. Have some silver ore that Grond could make into a shiny thing. Grond learn how to make stuff when Grond work at building place. Not have equipment, so Grond made things. Have little dwarf friend at forge, friend could make elf lady something nice.
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)23:46 No.15998106
    They're discriminated against partially because elf flesh is an addictive narcotic for them, and more than a few go, pardon the spectacularly insensitive idiom, off the reservation and start killing and eating every elf they can find. I'm well aware that it's a few outlying cases, but the amount of publicity it got torpedoed any chance of sympathetic treatment of the others.
    >> Half-Elf Bard !!KBll3aM9H64 08/19/11(Fri)23:47 No.15998109
    For short jaunts a block or two? Immensely.
    Going to Grandmas in Arizona? I would either buy a plane ticket or get a friend with a Greater Teleport License.

    Now, why do you need wands of Magic Missile or fireball? I imagine a hand crossbow would work with your tail if you tailored it a bit.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:47 No.15998110
    Sounds good to me, dude. Pretty much any girl out there loves jewelry and gifts, so I'm sure she'd feel the same.
    >> Patchwork 08/19/11(Fri)23:48 No.15998116
    There was never anything wrong with it. The operator of your port-station didn't check weight, he just assumed that the animated carrying case contained a cat. The hooha was caussed by improper settings. My condolences on your pet btw.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:48 No.15998117
    Dwarves can make excellent jewellery.
    Ask the dwarf to make a necklace for her.
    Remember, with elves jewellery is better when delicate, a thin necklace will be more appreciated than a bulky one
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)23:49 No.15998122
    Yeah. I like them. It's just Elf Flesh is to them what living brains are to us, in that everyone accuses the entire species when a single psycho starts eating them.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:50 No.15998140
    Hey guys, major question regarding Mage Union rights.

    Y'see, I've been 'let go' from about four jobs in the research and instruction fields due to the fact that, rather than the traditional arcane study, I'm working with a variant of aetheric energy manipulation using playing cards. It works, I can do it consistently, and I've managed to have generally good luck.

    The problem is that most research institutions hate hiring anyone who practices anything other than the usual "longbeard studying a book", and even if I'm more than qualified for the position (I understand the traditional methods just fine, I just find this focusing method works for me a lot better), I'll either be passed over in the interviews or let go for a stupid reason.

    Hell, last job was the worst. Boss was a dwarf; old-boy, suit-wearing, cigar-loving sort of guy, decently fun, but impossible to work with if you're not doing things 'his way'. That involved a lot of face time, and occasionally going to the office poker game. Well, after finally admitting that my career would be screwed if I didn't go, I went, and ended up cleaning him out after he took stupid risks. Monday, I walk in and there's a pink slip on my desk.

    Legal department says the case is iron-clad, too; since I'm a devotee of a non-standard area of arcane research, I was considered a contractor due to some legal loophole, and could be released for any reason.

    So, anyone got any advice? The local Union boys are telling me that I should join up with a proper group to have better protection, but most of 'em also want me to pick up the more traditional ways, and I've heard of inter-Union 'problems' for spellslingers who aren't of the dominant area tradition.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:51 No.15998143
    Wood elves only.

    High elves and drow don't contain the chemical that acts as a narcotic, although a Thri-Kreen addict will generally be so out of it that he can't tell a halfling from an ogre, so that's hardly helpful
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/19/11(Fri)23:52 No.15998159
    Or soul essence is to us.

    People need to grow up and realise that a few bad eggs doesn't spoil a whole race. How many human murderers are out there, but we never claim the whole human race is evil!
    >> Patchwork 08/19/11(Fri)23:52 No.15998161
    Even with the delicate and dwarf quality angles, I think making something yourself adds something special. Shows you put some effort into it. Just be sure to make it elf size. The dwarf con probably help with the small adjustments.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:53 No.15998168
    Oh dear, that is unfortunate.

    Still, there are plenty of other options you could go for without resorting to a 9th-circle spell. Slow is a particularly useful one for self-defense, though admittedly it isn't quite the sure-fire solution that Dimension Door or Time Stop would provide. Still, I feel it's reliable enough to use as a first line of self-defense -- in fact, I keep a wand of Slow in the drawer of my nightstand for dealing with intruders.
    An illusion spell would also be a good way to go, though those would probably require a bit more red tape due to the myriad ways in which they can be used.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/19/11(Fri)23:53 No.15998172
    People do claim that. They're called Wild Elves, and they are total dicks.
    >> Drow and proud 08/19/11(Fri)23:53 No.15998173
    Yes, as a drow, while we aren't by any means the primary target of such killings, I can see why many tribe-leaders were calling for wholesale extermination of them. It's never comforting to know that there's a race that views you as a crack rock on legs.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:55 No.15998191
    Fucking dragons and their fucking bullshit asshattery.

    I've been a pilot in the Air Force (inb4 CHAIR FORCE HUEHUEHUE) and I've flown bombers almost that entire time. I turn up to work one day to find out I've been reassigned because my wing is being decommissioned and replaced by motherfucking dragons.

    What the actual fuck? Dragons can't even break the sound barrier. Fucking Pentagon is all like MAINTENANCE COSTS FUEL COSTS 120HOURS ON THE GROUND FOR 1 HOUR OF FLIGHT but, what the actual fuck?

    How the fuck does anybody expect a fucking dragon to match a long range bomber in any sort of capacity whatsoever?

    >> Grond 08/19/11(Fri)23:56 No.15998206
    But if shiny delicate, how will elf show her own strength? Was thinking of getting friend to help make shield or hammer.
    >> Half-Elf Bard !!KBll3aM9H64 08/19/11(Fri)23:56 No.15998209
    I don't know about that. I've known of too many "slipups" with luggage and the like to trust the people they higher to calibrate those.

    This is why I fucking hate the unions. If you
    aren't doing it with either a Book, an Orb, or a Stave you might as well get the fuck out.

    As soon as that settles, get a license to freely practice. It shouldn't be much of a fuss as long as your spells are mostly nonlethal and you've registered the ones that could actually cause damage.

    Someone tried to sue me because one of my light technicians fucked up and one of the lasers was very mildly holy, but it settled easily.
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:58 No.15998222
    Are you sure you mean dragons and not dragon jets?
    Because dragon jets are really fucking powerful and use barely any fuel, although they're expensive as hell to produce and you need at least three expert wizards for each one you make.
    If it's dragon jets you could probably continue flying, you'll just have to learn how to fly a different craft
    >> Anonymous 08/19/11(Fri)23:58 No.15998224
    Elves have a different idea about such things. Don't worry, I'm sure she already has some stuff like that already. Besides, it's a date, not a sparring match, no need to bring out the armor and weapons this time. Just stick to the nice pretty gift for now.
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/19/11(Fri)23:59 No.15998232

    True that. I'm sick of prissy 'good' races lording it over anyone even vaguely morally grey. Last time I travelled overseas there was a goddamn *celestial* on customs duty. He held me for EIGHT HOURS checking and checking my visa, luggage etc because he *wouldn't believe* an Arcanaloth would be heading to Paris for a friend's wedding.
    >> Drow and proud 08/20/11(Sat)00:00 No.15998234
    Dragons have spells and magic items to accelerate themselves, go invisible, and drop a startling array of energetic death on their enemies, and practically feed themselves. Not to mention that they're incredibly intelligent, deadly in close combat, and practically invulnerable to most weapons. While I disagree with the decision, I can see the rationale.
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:00 No.15998237
    pretty sure he meant dragons... I read about this a few months back, but last I'd heard, they only planned them for short-range hit-and-run operations, not long-range or heavy-artillery maneuvers...
    >> Good news everyone! Vesuvius Nevergnome. 08/20/11(Sat)00:01 No.15998239
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    Industrial might and Magic is now hiring.

    with our company, recently listed on the waterdeep stock market as an up and coming in the development of artificing and techno-wizardry, we are always looking for the brighting and the best

    submit your resume and one of my staff at hr@iMAM.com

    securing the future through superior skills
    note: any mention of the words kibler, santa or tinker will result in immediate termination.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/20/11(Sat)00:03 No.15998244

    I wouldn't join. Most of the Unions are just looking to fleece you, if they were serious about mage rights the laws would be very different. Instead they corroborate with the people they should be working against to dominate the field.
    >> Half-Elf Bard !!KBll3aM9H64 08/20/11(Sat)00:04 No.15998252
    Have you seen the "maintenance" costs of a fucking Dragon?

    I don't know many F-16s that require a LITERAL PILE OF GOLD to rest on.
    >> A Certain Illithid 08/20/11(Sat)00:04 No.15998253
    I know! I was going to make a braindead dude into a host for one of our tadpoles, as is legal, and the fucking Guardinals were all over me, even though the doctors said he would never recover! It's not like someone would Wish him back! Do they want our species to become extinct?
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:05 No.15998259
    Bleh, there was a 'dillo outside. Ugly little critters.

    I realize that I have not mentioned that the centaur family are farmers. This is a mistake on my part. I am not very good at story telling.

    So, since she's their only child and I'm the only boy around parts of the day, that means I was soon drafted into helping out around the farm. I am not a physical person. I am a frail, weak little man. Compare to the farmer's daughter, a girl who can most certainly move heavy equipment and do hard labor with no problem. What this results in are many shots at my manhood since I am incapable of doing something even a girl can. I eventually got over the snide remarks, though she still throws them at me.

    We were about thirteen years old at the time. I had a major test coming up in the next week and had been studying like no tomorrow. I had been up far too late the prior night and so was exhausted when it came time to work. Go figure, my horse lady friend was on my case about it the whole time.

    We were gearing up and getting ready to hit the fields. I was yawning every few seconds and had trouble standing up. Really cloudy day out, which only made me more tired. After a while, she starts nudging my with one of her back legs, telling me...I think she had said something about tying me up and dragging me around or something. That whole day is still pretty foggy in my head. See, from what I remember, she was nudging me, there was a very loud clap of thunder, then a massive sharp pain in my left arm that caused me to hit the floor. Next thing I know I'm in a bed at the hospital With my parents and her parents all looking down at me. Some words were exchanged, I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. My arm felt weird, that's all that was on my mind. A doctor came in and told me my arm had been broken and that I'd be wearing a cast for a while. I'm certain he said some other things, I wasn't paying attention. After a while they all left. Then she came in.
    >> Jav'Bari 08/20/11(Sat)00:05 No.15998262

    Kibler Santa Tinker?

    Seriously though, damn spam.
    >> Siirin Airn, pit fiend Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:07 No.15998269

    Meritocracy is the best system. I can't believe how some organisations can function when ass-kissing and favouritism come into play.

    I transferred in from Celestia after getting stiffed for promotion..worked my ass off for how many millenia only for Sehanine to (seriously!) tell me that my marketing strategies were "too aggressive"? What in the nine hells? Since when has mortal love ever been anything other than competition?

    I called in a few old references and managed to get in on the first circle..Bel saw my management potential and recommended me for this lovely desk job out in Cania. Got several thousand devils working under me, the Blood War is seven levels away, and the snow's fantastic too.

    How are your numbers looking these days? My branch is looking to expand at the lower end (too many chiefs, not enough indians), but it's hard recruiting from the newbies. Back when I started out, the dregs of your soul washing up on the shores of the eighth circle wasn't considered an eternal punishment, it was an opportunity.
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:08 No.15998277
    Got my free practice license back in '02; it's apparently a requirement for teaching arcane theory at some universities these days. Lost that position after I had a student from one of those fundamentalist religions raise a huge fucking deal over the fact that the origins of my particular method was 'demonic in origin'.

    Yeah, I'm not gonna deny it; there is technically some demonic bargaining involved somewhere along the line, but only if you're completely desperate for effect, don't have any internal reserves to rely on, and most of the time, it will just lead to rather erratic results. Then again, my family's been practicing it since great-great grandad's day and no one's lost a soul yet, so it's safe.

    But, long story short, there was a huge shitstorm raised at the campus, I ended up having protesters show up and disrupt classes, and pretty much every affirmative action group bailed out because I'm a) at least 95% human and b) practicing an esoteric, weird form of magic that's not one of the "Big Three" forms of under-represented stuff. Got let go because I was costing the university money, and had to go into independent research thanks to that little black mark.

    Still, I'm sticking to tradition. I may be part of a weird, microscopic tradition that's not measurably better at anything other than occasionally cheating devils and demons out of power, but it's family tradition, and I'll damn well be the first of the line to do something more than working on that damn ranch.

    For anyone who doesn't believe arranged marriage doesn't happen in "regular human society" anymore, try growing up the son of a rancher. For all the talk about how minotaur women are dangerous when they're not interested here, try being told you HAVE to court the girl. Thank god she ended up being a grass-muncher in more way than one, or I would've ended up far from where I am today.
    >> Grond 08/20/11(Sat)00:08 No.15998279
    Grond thank /tg/ for help with elf lady.

    Grond worried, but Grond think it go well.

    Also, dragons are mean. Grond think dragons useful. Blue dragon seem nice to Grond. Red dragon mean. Not loyal.
    >> Krok 08/20/11(Sat)00:09 No.15998280
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    Er...you hear Krok? Krok have family to feed...and want shiny...Krok like shiny.

    Oh! Krok can spit-shine boots! And...uh...and Krok can make trap for office mice! Krok also have degree in alchemy, but Krok is usually modest about it...family likes gundpowder.... *cough*
    >> Siirin Airn, pit fiend 08/20/11(Sat)00:10 No.15998285

    ugh name in subject field, tables are a bit iffy on this computer, the breakroom PC is running netscape communicator as part of my workforce's eternal torment
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:12 No.15998298
    Oh shut it you bastard.

    Stop acting like an idiot to get people to give you stuff.
    A good kobold would use his knowledge and skill to find work, I should know I am one.
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:13 No.15998302
    At first she was kinda quiet. She asked some questions, got some quick responses, though I was a bit snarky here and there. Next thing I know she's bawling and my young teen mind is scrambling itself trying to figure out what I just said that was so wrong it made her cry. Through her tears she told me what had gone down. While she was reaching her leg up to nudge me, there was that loud clap of thunder. Storms kinda freak her out, something I learned right there, and it scared her to the point that she lost control of her leg and it kinda just shot out and kicked me. Hooves are tough, her legs are strong, and my frame is not so durable. Thus, broken arm. So she's still crying and apologizing and blaming herself and crying some more, so I decide I'll try and cheer her up. I get her to calm down a bit so she'll listen to me, and I thank her. I thank her for breaking my arm because she just cut the heck out of my workload, so I was going to be taking it easy for a while. I'm a lazy guy and I can appreciate that. Her crying mostly stops, and she even laughs a bit despite the tears still falling from her eyes, but she felt good enough that she chided me for being so lazy. She gave me a hug and then left the room.

    Of course, once my arm had healed she went right back to taking her verbal potshots at me, but every once in a while, when I would get annoyed and want her to shut up for a bit, I would just mention my arm and she'd get deathly quiet for a bit, sometimes muttering about how unfair it was for me to mention that. Of course, I lost that privilege after she (probably most likely) saved my life. But that comes after the awkward riding experience.
    >> Krok 08/20/11(Sat)00:14 No.15998309
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    Who's side are you on, anyway?
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:16 No.15998323
    The side of the hard working.
    Being sneaky can only get you so faqr, and makes the rest of us look bad by association
    >> Half-Elf Bard !!KBll3aM9H64 08/20/11(Sat)00:20 No.15998346

    Hell man, that's a shame. Those unions have been trying to engulf the magic population since the Metamagic accords of 1678 (No, Fuck You I have the right to Enlarge and Quicken).
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:21 No.15998350
    This was a couple years later, we were good friends at this point. At the level where I would go in to town with her to go shopping with her. Rather, at the level where she told me she was going shopping and I was expected to come along. There was a phase where she would ask if I wanted to go along. I think that only happened two or three times. Anyways, I didn't really mind being pulled along anyways.

    So we're on the way back home, it's a walk of about six miles. It's a really easy drive since the speed limit is 70 the whole way in, but it can be a really boring walk, especially when you're carrying a lady's stuff. One day on the way back as I'm walking behind her, out of the blue, she mentions that I'm keeping our speed down and that it would be quicker for me to get on her back. At the time, I knew that it was impolite to ask a centaur for a ride, but I never knew what to do if the centaur offered to do so. At first I refused, saying it wouldn't be the gentlemanly thing to do. Of course, she laughed at me about that and used the opportunity to jab at my manhood, but then she puts her head down and just tells me to climb on. I recall noticing that her ears were quite red, which I knew meant she was blushing hard. It's actually really adorable when she blushes, her whole face and even her ears go red and she looks funny.
    >> Quadrone 67-B5 08/20/11(Sat)00:21 No.15998355
    This unit does not understand why most people call him a golem. Modrons have flesh parts and are not constructed. Do they not know what we are?
    >> Half-Elf Bard !!KBll3aM9H64 08/20/11(Sat)00:25 No.15998378
    Sorry buddy, most people don't understand that you have higher levels of sentience
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:26 No.15998379
    Possibly. People (not mentioning specific races, but just general population) in their daily lives tend to veer towards a kind of pleasant ignorance regarding most information - if it doesn't directly concern or affect them they deem it unimportant. Details like specifiying if a nonorganic construct is or is not a golem is one such thing considered unimportant.
    >> Ex-Military Lich 08/20/11(Sat)00:28 No.15998391
    Costs are just the tip of the iceberg. There's a damn good reason flying machines replaced dragons for air combat -- the things are damn near impossible to coordinate. Call it natural tendency or call it cultural indoctrination, however you slice it dragons all have an arrogant, self-glorifying streak a mile long. They don't like to take orders from anybody, especially not humanoids, and they don't like to work together with anyone either. Back in my mortal days, I spent some time working with a dragon air corps in the Holy Roman Empire, and let me tell you it was the biggest headache of my life and unlife combined.

    The only reason the Air Force is bringing them back now is greenwashing, to show off how much less of a carbon footprint they have thanks to cutting back on jet fuel. It won't last.
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:29 No.15998402
    just so you all know: these threads are by far some of the coolest ones i find on /tg/.

    stay awesome guys--and... not-guys.

    on-topic: since the bus accident a few years back i've been seeing ghosts and other incorporeals. not much of a problem usually--i manage to scare the hell out of some of them just by noticing them in the first place.

    'problem is, the housing for the area i'm in is what most people consider 'haunted'. the occasional draft and noise is tolerable, especially when i can see who's doing it and tell them to shut the fuck up, but there's a few 'residents' that have been picking on people living here--there have been a string of trip-and-falls and other 'accidents' through the building and im starting to worry. should a contact a paladin or something?
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:30 No.15998406
    Knowing that there was no point in resisting, I clumsily make my way onto her back while still managing to hold her stuff. I think I asked her how I was supposed to hold on, because she had sharply told me to just hold on to her and not fall off. I was smart enough to know that falling off quite possibly meant I'd never hear the end of it, so at first I grabbed her sides. This apparently shocked her, as she loudly told me not to grab there. So I just held on to the horse part of the body and away we went. It's quite nice, actually, riding a centaur. It took a while before she would use that word. Heck, it took her (probably most likely) saving my life before we were openly using it.

    This was actually a short time after that first ride. The only ride at that point, if memory serves. We were fifteen at the time. We're out walking around in the countryside, something we'd come to do quite often at that point. Despite being in the middle of mostly flat nothingness, it's actually kinda interesting to walk around. So here we are, walking around in an area we hadn't really checked out yet. After a while, I have to pee, so I walk a fair distance away from her and do my thing. After I finish, I hear some rustling really close by, maybe a foot to my right. I turn my head, expecting to see a rabbit or something.

    I'm looking right into the eyes of a coyote.

    It's amazing how quickly the human mind works. It was giving off simultaneous messages of "Oh crap" and "WELLP" and "This is going to suck." Things along that line. All that in less than half a second. I don't have time to blink before I'm on the ground having my legs chewed on. I start screaming and kicking and trying to fight it off, but I can't do it on my own.

    I'll never forget what happened next because it's probably the single hottest thing I've ever seen in my life.
    >> Quadrone 67-B5 08/20/11(Sat)00:30 No.15998413
    Indeed. Even my non-rogue brethren are intelligent enough to form a society.
    Why would they do that? All knowledge is important, especially the identification of lifeforms.
    >> Patchwork 08/20/11(Sat)00:31 No.15998414
    Hey, some golems have free will. Just because we aren't covered (yet warforged are) as citizens doesn't mean we are lacking in the ability to think. It just takes that little bit more effort to make us smart, yet most wizards just want a looming goon.
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/20/11(Sat)00:32 No.15998420

    While I think you baatezu are a little stuck in your ways, as a contracts expert I have worked with your kind many times and you are some of the most reliable, efficient and productive folk this side of mechanus. I never understood why mortals think of the lower planes as some kind of punishment: celestial propaganda at its worst. A few generations ago I had wizards PAYING ME to bind their souls to a lower plane! These days everyone just laughs like I'm playing some kind of trick!

    Their loss I guess.
    >> Quadrone 67-B5 08/20/11(Sat)00:32 No.15998421
    Only 15.64% are fully sapient. Thus it is usually safe to assume they have animal intelligence at best.
    >> Half-Elf Bard !!KBll3aM9H64 08/20/11(Sat)00:36 No.15998445
    Well the "sweet spot" for combat dragons would be in the young vicious and hard to get to do anything phase, There's no fucking way a Grand Copper or god forbid an Ancient Gold would carpet Fireball Libya.

    What Unit were you in with the HRE? I dicked around Austria and Belarus in the mid 17th century.

    Don't be offended by this, but are you sure you lived this crash?

    Do you know any Clerics of the Raven Queen? Obad forbid even Nerull would probably help here.
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:36 No.15998446
    this thread's seeming kinda full, should we start another?
    >> Patchwork 08/20/11(Sat)00:37 No.15998450
    And yet the same can be said of elementals (not that exact percentage mind you). I get they don't want us voting due to concerns with wizards manufacturing votes, but some right would go a long way.
    >> Friendly AND Fiendish 08/20/11(Sat)00:37 No.15998453

    go on! I am always intrigued to hear the stories of mortals :-)
    >> Quadrone 67-B5 08/20/11(Sat)00:39 No.15998466
    Non-sapient elementals are much rarer on the Prime Material Plane than sapient elementals.
    >> Card Sharp 08/20/11(Sat)00:39 No.15998467
    Amen, brother. Hell, first time I applied, I was redirected to the Casino Worker's Union. That office still has the Jack of Clubs burned into the wall.

    Quick question to the Lower Plane sorts here; far as I can tell, for this particular brand, you guys seem to assign a specific worker to each member of the family. Whenever I pull the whole 'bargain cast' thing, I've worked with a rather pleasant fellow by the name of Alvazatheron'grzla. Am I right in assuming this, or is it that you've got a relatively small department, and he just likes working with me?

    I know my great-great grandfather supposedly worked with a Erinyes, and there are still some amusing family anecdotes that claim he came up with the system after an incident involving a failed summoning and a desperate need to stall for time using strip poker.

    Any particular cards or games you guys prefer? I've done poker for convenience, but I've been tempted to give baccarat, faro, or something else a shot. The physical cards seem to be a bit of a factor; a standard Bicycle deck works, but the high-end stuff by Leaf & Branch seems to work a lot better, and nothing beats great-great grandad's original cards (Think you're proud of your family's ancient staff? Try keeping a deck of cards in good conditions for five generations) when it comes to casting.
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:41 No.15998482
    Half-Hydra here. My dragon roomie (not the copper, this one is white dragon) has been teaching me a bit of polymorph because he is such a bro. Now I have a little problem I have been looking over and over about that I just can't seem to find out about.

    I have three heads of course (please refrain from three dick jokes), so what in the flying fuck happens should I polymorph into, say, anything that doesn't have three heads. Last time I asked I was pointed to be a lab rat for it, but I want to know if anyone has heard of this/might know what goes on should I go ahead and try it. As annoying as my other parts are I would rather not destroy them on accident (or god forbid it goes the other direction).

    Any information at all would be a great help!
    >> Quadrone 67-B5 08/20/11(Sat)00:42 No.15998496
    I once played a game of cards. I was kicked out for "counting" them. It was logical to me, the goal was to win and memorizing which ones came next would guarantee me victory.
    >> Dauranthor, Appraisor and Purveyor of fine Antiquities, Assets, and Teasures 08/20/11(Sat)00:43 No.15998507

    It is a bit offensive to have a sweeping generalization made about one's entire species due to the actions of the older drakes. We all have ancestors who did things that weren't great.

    I get really tired of hearing about how arrogant I am whenever I can out-appraise the other experts at antique shows. I can't help but notice the exact value of that Atlantian vase, and I think it important that the owner know exactly what is part of their hoard.

    Though I will admit that the holier-than-thou attitude from a gold is off-putting.
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:43 No.15998509
    OP, have you considered dopplegangers? I know they are a little expensive to hire, but trust me when I say they are worth every copper. Efficient, hard working, loyal to the all-mighty gold piece, and they legally fall under every demographic they can transform into, so officially the ICRR would not be able to act against your decision should you fire the elves and hire dopplegangers.
    >> beezlebob 08/20/11(Sat)00:45 No.15998527
    First off, I'm not going to defend the nature of the souls we receive. Considering the fact that most mortals are all to willing to sign before they read means they ought to be wiped from the face of existance personally, but than again I'd be out of the job and feeding two hungry little fiends and keeping the wife happy (when she's not sucking off the random slave or two for kicks).


    No respect I tell you no respect. We may try every trick in the book to get you to sign but once we have we follow the contract letter by letter. Can say that for most people out there
    >> Lambert !qoI5RvmRWk 08/20/11(Sat)00:49 No.15998553
    /tg/ I have a problem. Im a three hundred year old, human vampire. I have learned to manipulate my appearance, force my regeneration, and hypnotize people. I have summoned a lesser demon before and controled it. Other vampires admire these feats, but the living? No, most want me to (get a load of this) sparkle. I really am at a loss. What do I do about this?
    >> Half-Elf Bard !!KBll3aM9H64 08/20/11(Sat)00:49 No.15998555
    (new thread at >>15998552)
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:50 No.15998566
    She sprints over to me and just starts beating the everloving crap out of this coyote. She kicks it off me and just starts stomping it. She friggin' killed that thing in a fit of rage or something, I don't know. All I know is that I'm bleeding out my legs and I don't care because I just saw the sexiest thing I'll likely ever see, an angry centaur woman unleashing her scorn over some insignificant wildlife.

    Of course, after the moment passed we remembered that it had indeed been chewing on my legs and that this was a big problem. So she picks me up and set me on her back, putting my arms around her waist and telling me to hang on. She takes off towards our places like a rocket. I wanted to make a reference to that song there, but figured she wouldn't get it. You know what song I'm talking about. Hold on loosely, don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose it. You're gonna lose control. Anyways, we get back they get me to the hospital, and after everything's good and done I'm laying in a bed with her standing there next to me. I decide to break our silence by making a joke about how being around her gets me into the hospital. Go figure, I'm retarded. Next thing I know she's crying over me. Now I'm thinking about how much I just done screwed up. Through her tears, she chews me out for being stupid and mentions something about how I might've almost died or something. I wasn't taking that claim seriously. I reminder her that she was right there and able to save me, so I wasn't worried. There was a bit of a back and forth there, and there was something about "What if it had rabies?" "But it didn't," but it ends with her crying into my stomach telling me to stop being such an idiot. I just give up there and agree with her.
    >> Dalahrk 73 08/20/11(Sat)00:52 No.15998574
    See, having read all of this, I have to say I can respect the Illithids. They're a tight, hard bunch, kill you soon as look at you sometimes, but they're smart enough to leave killing as one of a set of tools, not the only tool.

    Now, your typical Drow? If she can't fright it, fell it, or fuck it, she's got no idea what to do with it, and you know why? Drow have magic, they have power, they have long lives.

    They don't have discipline.

    No feel for banding together and making things last, or improve. No outlook beyond the next conquest. No planning, no .. what's the human term? Esprit de corps. That's why you have them coming up. Because down here, we're slowly pushing them out. One little bit at a time. Between us and the Illithids, they aren't expanding anywhere, no matter what thier reports say.

    Eventually they'll be gone, and the Illithids and Duergar are going to have to deal with one another, and that's going to be interesting.

    For now, we take one little snip at a time, because while you all have daggers at each other's throats, you have none to spare for the people who learned how to work in concert.

    73rd Legion, hail.
    >> Anonymous 08/20/11(Sat)00:55 No.15998593
    I feel like I made the right choice there, agreeing with her. Trying to deal with women, after all.

    From that point on, the word "ride" was just another word and she often offered to give me rides. Maybe it's because it makes her feel better because she thinks I'm safer that way, I don't know. It's fun, I don't mind, and she seems to enjoy it, though not in a weird way. At least I don't think she's liking it like that.

    I'm still a little creeped out about tonight, though. I think she enjoyed being brushed down a bit too much. I know it's a great honor to be asked to brush a lady's hair, but that...that was kinda strange.

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