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  • File : 1315797684.jpg-(21 KB, 460x276, CeQKZ.jpg)
    21 KB Anonymous 09/11/11(Sun)23:21 No.16265698  
    So I have this friend of mine. Nice guy, wizards about to pay the bills. For the past few months or so, he's been talking about this new girlfriend of his, all excited and happy and all that bunk. So earlier in the week, I finally ask if I can actually meet her. That's sensible, right? Nothing wrong with that. I convince him to "accidentally" bump into me at this coffee place at the edge of town.

    I don't know what I was expecting. At the very worst, I figured she'd either be downright ugly or some beautiful self-absorbed chick using him for cash. Instead, he walks in arm-in-arm with this...thing.

    She had scales. And no legs. What the hell?

    Look, I'm not a racist or anything. It's just that I know this isn't going to last. I mean, it's doomed. He's human, and she's this...slithery monstrosity. So my question is this: how can I get him to break up with her before he gets any more tied up in her than he is now? I know some proper, bipedal women I could fix this guy up with, but I need to make him available, first.
    >> Anonymous 09/11/11(Sun)23:26 No.16265765
    does he play traditional games? if so, then his girlfriend seems fine and normal for such ppl
    >> Anonymous 09/11/11(Sun)23:26 No.16265771
    There's this Greek guy I know, OP. He can deal with her for you.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)00:14 No.16266246
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    He finds her beautiful in his own way. Leave the two alone.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)00:16 No.16266275
    polymorph her into a human
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)00:26 No.16266351
    Honestly, just try and see the positives in the situation. One of my bros is currently dating one of these beasties, and I can tell you she's an absolute sweetheart. Total fanatic for baking and cooking in general. Just try not to worry too much, and see if you can get used to it.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)00:56 No.16266667
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    I completely agree. Listen to this man OP.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)00:59 No.16266698
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    I know that guy too!
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)00:59 No.16266708
    Hey, OP, for someone with no sex drive (well, it's rare), that sounds just as good as any other biped or quadruped out there. It's what's in the head that counts, man.
    >> Elesh 09/12/11(Mon)01:00 No.16266724
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    I fail to see the problem OP. Save that both she and your friend are presumably fleshy meat creatures.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:01 No.16266730
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    If OP hooked his friend up with a Gorgon she would have multiple heads
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:02 No.16266740
    Fuck you OP, I'm a Lamia, and we've dealt with your anthropocentric bullshit for too goddamn long.
    They love each other and that's all that fucking matters.
    And we don't slither, and we're not monstrosities. We're sentient being goddammit.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:03 No.16266749
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    >not a racist
    >slithery monstrosity

    Stop being such an ethnocentric idiot. Just because she doesn't have pink skin and legs doesn't mean that they can't love each other.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:03 No.16266755
    Oh come on, you know as well as I do that the "snakes" aren't sentient. They're like... I dunno, they have ganglia, but they move on reflex to light, sound, touch, and pain. Just don't slap a gorgon and you have nothing to worry about.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:05 No.16266778
    Which game was this?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:05 No.16266781
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    Well... to be fair, your method of natural propulsion IS technically a slither.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:07 No.16266797

    Lamias and other reptilian beings have just as much intelligence and sapience as a human being.

    I mean hell, we're just a bunch of neural signals and hormones and react to light and sound and pain too. If you can't empirically prove that humans have a soul then how can you prove that anyone else DOESN'T?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:08 No.16266808
    I don't know, how did the Serbs deal with their lamia problem?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:08 No.16266813
    No no, he meant the snakes that are a Gorgon's hair, not Lamias.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:08 No.16266816
    He was talking about the snakes on a gorgon's head, not lamias anon.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:09 No.16266824
    We don't slither around everywhere in the same way you bipeds don't trundle around everywhere. Our methods of locomotion are varied, much more than yours. "slithering" is a loaded word and you know it.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:11 No.16266837
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    I can empirically demonstrate that God hates Lamias.

    My evidence is that I exist.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:13 No.16266862
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    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:13 No.16266867
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    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:14 No.16266869
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    My beautiful girlfriend!
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:15 No.16266874
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    Uh, I think that's a giant snake monster.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:16 No.16266879
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    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:17 No.16266888
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    You're right! I'VE BEEN BETRAYED!
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:17 No.16266898
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    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:20 No.16266913
    Won't he ever find love!?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:24 No.16266931
    But it's NOT! The way Lamia and snakes move is called Slithering. It's not an insult, it's a method of movement!
    That's like saying it's an insult to call human movement walking or a Centaurs running Galloping.
    What do YOU call it if not slithering?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:31 No.16266991
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    Have a heart OP. Lamias aren't all bad. Most are actually pretty chill.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:33 No.16267011
    I don't mean to be mean, you're ignorant, not intentionally anthropocentric, as far as I can tell. Maybe you don't have many of us in your area.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:37 No.16267043
    I dunno why you're freaking out, OP
    at least her pussy ain't purple. Take a 'monstrosity' over a genuine chocolate-face any day of the week.
    >> that jerk who doesn't post pictures 09/12/11(Mon)01:38 No.16267044
    OP, trust me on this, as long as she's not a bitch your friend could do much worse.
    My brother, for example, left a sweet angel (literally) to date a normal human... She was an utter bitch, neutral/evil alignment and everything. Or parents tried to warn him, but my brother is the kind of idiot who whops at Hot Topic and says "I'm totally evil".
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:38 No.16267045
    Undulation? Really? Because when a fat white dude dances, that's undulation. When someone, for gods know what reason, tries to do "The Worm" THAT'S undulation.
    When a Lamia moves from one side of a room to the other, that's slithering. It's a good word, there is no shame in that word.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:39 No.16267053
    oh hoho I thought this was /adv/ for a moment and that the girl was an amputee with that skin disorder which looks like scales.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:40 No.16267055
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    Did you drink Karadzic's koolaid too?

    Infecting 2/3rds of your population with Were-Mongoose lycanthropy is NOT a valid solution in the modern world!
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:40 No.16267058
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    Angels are too... stuck up and Holier-then-thou for me.
    But I'll be damned if I wouldn't love to sleep with one.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:40 No.16267059
    see >>16266803
    The fact that you're now insulting us makes you seem like you are just being a speciesist cuntface. I think I know a little more than you about what my species calls our method of locomotion, and if you insist on using words with such bigoted bullshit attached to them, don't be surprised when you get called a bigot.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:47 No.16267112
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    I'm no bigot. I LIKE Lamias, I like Gnolls, Orcs, Minotaur, Gorgons, I LIKE everyone. I admire how Lamia slither, it's graceful in it's own way, beautiful to look at.
    What I DON'T like is this Politically Correct BULLSHIT everyone tries to shove down each other's throats.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:49 No.16267122

    Bah! Of course humans have souls, the proof is in several jars in my laboratory.

    Lamia as well have souls, though the wear and tear on your tails make you unsuited for an eternity of ceaseless torment in my legion of undead farmers.

    Regardless, what I find most disturbing is the lack of faith in modern magics - doubting the existence of the soul! Pah!

    And as any half-literate peasant should know, lamia are not monsters, but magical beasts.
    >> Torvash the Necromancer !!napcG8B/giw 09/12/11(Mon)01:50 No.16267138

    Cursed arcane forum! I am Torvash the Necromancer, remember my title when you display my teachings.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)01:57 No.16267188
    You know, the "I LIKE X" excuse is almost as lame as the "I have plenty of X friends!"
    I agree with the second point though.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:01 No.16267215
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    You know, a good portion of us Lamia don't care if you call it slithering. I call it Slithering. As long as you don't use it in a derogatory manner I have no problems.
    >> Grond 09/12/11(Mon)02:07 No.16267264
    Grond here. Grond ogre, and Grond know snake people. They nice, if bit odd. Grond has to work for a snake person. She's nice.

    Grond not sure how it would work with snake lady, but Grond like how snake lady remember Grond's birthday, even when Grond doesn't.
    >> A Certain Illithid 09/12/11(Mon)02:11 No.16267295
    Man stop it with this bullshit about inter-species relationships. We don't need to hear about the deviant preferences for mates you and/or your friends have. It disgusts me.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:13 No.16267305
    Dating non-humans is bestiality. Xenophiles kind should be gassed out of principle.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:14 No.16267314
    Hey, if you can produce a fertile spawn with a union, then aren't they technically the same species?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:15 No.16267323
    Are horses and donkeys the same species?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:17 No.16267338
    depends if the offspring are fertile, I don't know about other half breeds, but I know half orcs are sterile, or at least I am.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:17 No.16267343
    Mules arn't fertile so no.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:18 No.16267348

    oops, missed that you said "fertile" spawn, disregard my comment
    >> that jerk who doesn't post pictures 09/12/11(Mon)02:19 No.16267363
    Professor Torvash, some of your undergrads released a few of your souls, they're haunting the agricultural department like all hell, would you please stop posting and collect them before they get used in a drunk frat party? Again.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:20 No.16267370
    I said FERTILE spawn. Mules are sterile.
    I know multiple Half-Orcs who have kids. My neighbor is a Half-Orc and she's been pregnant more times then I can remember. She and her husband are traditional Catholics.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:22 No.16267394
    I heard it wasn't all of them, but it was something like 80% or some crazy shit like that.
    You can still have babies via cloning/surrogate mothers (if you're female), but it's expensive.
    Guy with no sex drive here. I'd date anything as long as sex is POSSIBLE once in a while and they can stimulate me intellectually. Dated a lizardgirl in college, but we broke up in my second year because her family was moving her to an Ivy League school, and I didn't want her career to be slowed down by me.
    She still calls me sometimes. Other than that... I dated a half-elf, a human man, a human woman, her sister, and some kind of infernal-blooded (it was a weird time in my life, so I never got the details)
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:24 No.16267415
    huh, do you perchance know which one of her parents was orc? my mother is, which I've found to be much less common than the other way around
    >> Grond 09/12/11(Mon)02:25 No.16267432
    Grond is currently with a nice elf lady. Grond have question though. What is Grond supposed to do when Grond meet elf lady's dad?

    Grond almost forgot! /tg/ helped Grond make nice elf lady like Grond more. Nice elf lady not get fired either for being with Grond, and Grond like having pretty nice girl that doesn't make fun of Grond.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:28 No.16267455
    I don't really talk to my neighbors too much. No real reason to.
    All I know for sure is that her grandpa is a full orc. I have no idea from what side, but he lives with them. Sits on the porch in a rocking chair, and he looks older then dirt. I've never seen such an old Orc.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:28 No.16267456
    Subspecies at most. Still bestiality.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:28 No.16267458
    Well, be respectful, nice, and honest, I guess. If he hates you, it probably isn't any fault of yours. Just continue to be polite and show that you really care about your nice elf lady. Worst thing you can do is pretend to be something you aren't.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:30 No.16267481
    Hey, no one's asking you to fuck them. Just leave the ones who do alone.
    >> Grond 09/12/11(Mon)02:32 No.16267495

    Grond good at being nice. But, Grond not sure elf lady dad wants tribute for daughter. Grond not have much, but Grond has hammer that could work.

    How does Grond show strength to elf? Grond only know how to show strength to other Ogre, and as Grond learned elfs aren't like Ogres.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:34 No.16267516
    Beastiality only applies to unintellegant creatures, you know... beasts.

    If it can communicate with you it is no longer beastiality, just inter-species.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:35 No.16267522
    Elves aren't really down with the dowry thing dude. He'll either be OK with it, or hate you. Talk to your Elf Lady and see what she says.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:35 No.16267523
    We need more monster girl threads on /tg/ Where ever did they all disappear to?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:37 No.16267538
    They were all shit waifu fapping. I'm glad this one has changed to one of them modern day fantasy rp things.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:38 No.16267544
    Scared away by people who think it instantly counts as furfaggotry. There's a difference between that and mere furfappery, by the way. The difference is how you behave.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:38 No.16267545
    I'm not sure he wants to see your strength.
    He wants to see if you'll treat his daughter well and not leave her for the next piece of ass to come your way. You could bring the hammer as a gift, telling him it is an orc tradition to do so. Hell, if the hammer is heavy enough, it shows him how strong you are without even trying! But remember, it's not like impressing a tribe chief. All he wants is for his daughter to marry someone who makes her happy and keeps her safe.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:38 No.16267547
    Well grond, the thing about elfs is that most of them appreciate intellegance and art over phisical strength. If you want him to respect you in that way then you need to show him the strength of your mind.

    Sorry to say but I think that it is unlikly that you will impress him while talking in third person like you do. Wheather or not it actuall does imply anything about your intelligence, the elf-lady's dad will probably interpret it as a lack of mental strength.

    Try working on your "I"s and "me"s instead of always saying your name before meeting with him.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:40 No.16267561

    Hes an ogre, not an orc. Learn to read before you reply.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:42 No.16267577
    Your filth rubs your perversions in my face every day. Fucking race traitors, all of you.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:43 No.16267585
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    Hey bro, you don't wanna snuggle Elf Chicks? More for me.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:46 No.16267604
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:46 No.16267608
    You talk as if the races are at war.
    The only ones fighting are you assholes who think you're better than everything different from you "just because you're human/elf/lamia/infernal/dragonborn/whateverthefuck"
    We all have strengths and weaknesses. If we WERE perfect, we would have wiped everything else out long before we learned the art of peace.
    Instead, we work together and patch the holes in each other's defenses, becoming a strong mixed society instead of a weak pure one.
    >> Grond 09/12/11(Mon)02:46 No.16267611
    Common is Grond second language. Grond know Ogre very well, but doubt elf lady dad know Ogre.
    How will elf lady dad know Grond name if Grond not say it? Grond is not dumb, elf lady know that, maybe she explain to her dad.

    Grond Ogre, not Orc. We Ogre are loyal to mate, never leave unless mate desire another. Grond tell elf lady dad that then.

    Dowry? Grond has to show Grond can take care of elf lady. Is tradition to show wealth.
    >> DrowHipster 09/12/11(Mon)02:46 No.16267617
    What type of elf is she, grond?

    Is she a tastefully featured blonde elf who goes really well with red wi... er, who has green eyes? If so, think about giving him a tree, or a really nice bow. Ask her about this first though.

    Is she a tannish redhead with more muscles then humans? Give him a nice shiny axe, and go chop wood with him.

    Is she pale with white hair and a really haughty accent? Magic items are the way to go here.

    Is she dark skinned and inordinately beautiful? Find horns, glue them to your head.
    >> sage sage 09/12/11(Mon)02:47 No.16267620
    So I have this friend of mine. Nice guy, wizards about to pay the bills. For the past few months or so, he's been talking about this new girlfriend of his, all excited and happy and all that bunk. So earlier in the week, I finally ask if I can actually meet her. That's sensible, right? Nothing wrong with that. I convince him to "accidentally" bump into me at this coffee place at the edge of town.

    I don't know what I was expecting. At the very worst, I figured she'd either be downright ugly or some beautiful self-absorbed chick using him for cash. Instead, he walks in arm-in-arm with this...thing.

    She had fur. And a tail. What the hell?

    Look, I'm not a racist or anything. It's just that I know this isn't going to last. I mean, it's doomed. He's human, and she's this...fluffy monstrosity. So my question is this: how can I get him to break up with her before he gets any more tied up in her than he is now? I know some proper, furless women I could fix this guy up with, but I need to make him available, first.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:49 No.16267631
    Of course not. Elves are trying to breed us into extinction.
    Realist. You know, your kind ain't welcome where I come from.
    >> Grond 09/12/11(Mon)02:49 No.16267637
    Elf lady sound like first. Grond have problem though. Grond not allowed to move trees. Is law for leaving forest alone. Grond not able to make a bow either, Grond's fingers not small enough.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:51 No.16267651

    There are hundreds of these.


    This type of monstergirl thread isn't new. You are.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:51 No.16267656
    It's simple, actually.
    The lesser races are lesser. That's why we're on top.
    >> DrowHipster 09/12/11(Mon)02:52 No.16267659

    Tsk, high elves. Try getting an acorn from a tree, and plant it in a pot. Water it and let it grow into a sapling. Then, present it to her father as a gift. Explain that you really care for your elf lady, and that you'll take care of her just like you took care of the tree.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)02:52 No.16267663
    One of these days an actual sage will try to kill moot (or send someone else to do the job, most likely) and he'll have to come up with a new word.
    >> that jerk who doesn't post pictures 09/12/11(Mon)02:53 No.16267671
    Well, Grond, why don't you tell us about your work and hobbies then and we can figure out together?
    >> Grond 09/12/11(Mon)02:59 No.16267730

    Grond work sekurity at bank place. Grond search people who want in vault. Grond met elf lady through work, she works out front.

    Grond likes to go to the zoo, and Grond is good at working metal. Not good like Dwarf, but good.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)03:04 No.16267780
    So she works at a bank? Set up a trust fund for kids maybe? Show fiscal responsibility.
    And get him a plant. A nice plant.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)03:10 No.16267837
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    Either way, I'm glad I gave some life to this thread with my two posts with monmosu quest girls in them. I wish I could experience this longer, it's why I asked.
    >> that jerk who doesn't post pictures 09/12/11(Mon)03:10 No.16267842
    These work well.
    >Grond likes to go to the zoo
    You can also use what you've learned from the zoo about animals to impress him with your knowledge of wildlife.
    >Grond is good at working metal
    You could also make him something, elves tend to like silver especially, I believe.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)03:10 No.16267845
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    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)03:20 No.16267929
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    I wanna know why every guy seems to be dating Lamia, and I can't get a date to save my ass.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)03:23 No.16267954
    You smell like sulphur. No big surprise, just find someone who's destroyed their nasal passages with HCL.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)03:25 No.16267973

    Not exotic enough.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)03:25 No.16267974
    Regarding that: I've never had much of a sense of smell, and that pic's pretty nice. I'd go out for a date.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)03:27 No.16267988
    I'd your horns.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)03:36 No.16268064

    I'd blame it on most folks inherent distrust of other planes
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)03:57 No.16268211
    9/11 affected us all :(
    >> helpful comrade 09/12/11(Mon)04:09 No.16268287
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:11 No.16268299
    I dated a girl like you once. Low-drive guy here.
    She was brash, arrogant, and a hell of a lot of fun in small doses. Fucked like a rabbit on speed, too.
    Thing is, I wanted to go to college, and she wanted to drag me to Burning Man out in the desert somewhere. I said no and she said there would be a million other guys she could bring.
    I said to go find one of them then. Hardest thing I ever said, but it had to be done.
    Most guys see that when they look at you. A stereotype, but it's very true in a lot of cases. Guys who've dealt with it before are usually pretty leery of another ride on the carousel. You should dress and act in a manner that throws people off. Cover up a bit, tie your hair back, and you'll notice a difference.
    It's how I met the lizard-girl, too. She was wearing a Legend of Zelda shirt. Most of them didn't play vidya back then because three fingers didn't hold the controllers too well, so I knew she was different.


    I think I'mk going to go give her a call.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:15 No.16268330
    The biggest effect it had on most people is hearing fucks like you say that all the time.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:17 No.16268339
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    So about dating and the difficulties there off:

    I'll come out and admit it I'm morally ph negative or Evil for those of you a bit more slow.

    Now that hasn't affected my dating life till now but 6 months ago I meet at this club this girl,beautiful we talk the whole night and I get her tome number and then slowly our relationship builds.

    But last week someone from my building is murdered naturally I being the sole Evil guy there the paladins drag me off for a two day interrogation.

    They release but my gf wonders wath was up with that I explain to her the Evil thing and then she dumps me.

    I try to reason with her,she is a firm Neutral and ask her what's so wrong about me she cites a article"that neutral people will still prefer a God neighbour to a Evil one"

    And then she kicks me out,while I'm pondering if she's really Neutral?

    Do I still have a shot are Neutral people just sleeper agents for the Good side?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:19 No.16268355

    Where the hell do you live that Detect spells are grounds for arrest?
    I mean, seriously.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:19 No.16268357
    Wear some clothes.

    Seriously. Everyone looking at you at the moment thinks that just kissing you will result in some sort of extra-planer STD.

    No one wants a slut except for a one night fling just to be discarded in the morning. A hollow experience that cheapens you as an individual and makes people see you as a thing, not a person.
    >> noko+dice+2d6 09/12/11(Mon)04:22 No.16268380
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:23 No.16268384
    rolled 5, 4 = 9

    dice attempt #2
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:26 No.16268409
    It's not grounds for arrest it's grounds for me being automaticaly on the suspect list.

    Seriously once in my hometown again a Priest of Pelor was killed,his teenage mistress was found near the body with a bloodied dirk.

    But since she was certified Chaotic Good before this and my house was within My Caster Level *1.5 miles of the scene well both our pictures were in the newspaper as prime suspects.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:31 No.16268448
    Okay, now you are just fucking with us. 7/10, would rage again.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:40 No.16268514
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    Fuck you it's your people's fault that law enforcement is filled to the brim with paladins.

    Bloody charisma based bastards can't we have a Int test for the people who should nominally be investigating.

    I bet you don't even know about the huge tomes they have with everybody's alignment and anyone who has E is marked in red.

    Anyway about my dating I think the girl is Neutral with a dash of Good if I use a Helm of Alignment Change it should make her N with a bit of E so it's not really brainwashing right?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:42 No.16268525
         File1315816931.jpg-(225 KB, 548x791, 1604 - convenient_censoring de(...).jpg)
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    Oh hell no. Fuck Lamias. Seriously, they EAT people. All the time!

    My best friend dated a Lamia once. I warned him. I told him about hypnotic stares.

    But he didn't listen. And it keeps happening! It's a plague on society, is what it is.

    Now me, I've got a hot fire elemental girlfriend. A ring of fire immunity is all I need and we can light up the night.

    And hot damn, I have never met a better dancer. We can seriously burn up the dance floor whenever we go clubbing. It's glorious.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:47 No.16268569
    [No, I'm serious, do you even know how this works? You do not use game terms that purely exist within the mechanics. Good and Evil I can see, as there are detect spells for that shit, but now you are referencing ability scores, which are just concrete values for an abstract concept. I mean, if one man can run for fifty minutes nonstop, but another can play a piano better than a master pianist, who has the better Dex?
    Please rethink what it means to Roleplay and come back when you have an answer.]
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:50 No.16268586
    >light up the night
    >burn up the dance floor
    Does she like the constant fire puns? Or do they...
    Put her right out?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:54 No.16268611
         File1315817660.jpg-(61 KB, 390x540, fire.jpg)
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    I'd say that they...
    *Puts on sunglasses*
    Get her burning with desire.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)04:59 No.16268659
    Ah, so you do it to
    >another pair of sunglasses over the first
    enflame her?
    >> A Certain Illithid 09/12/11(Mon)05:00 No.16268667
    Stop it. Just fucking stop it. You radiate an anti-sanity aura with every pun you make and pair of sunglasses you equip.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:02 No.16268686

    You told him about the stares bro.

    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:04 No.16268694
    [Oh so that is what has got your knickers in a twist just assume I'm from some other plane and move on then]
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:05 No.16268708
    Shit, I read about that. You must be his friend that got interviewed on TV about it. Demon, right? Tchefh of Hell? Well, it served that guy right for banging one of those snake-headed nagas. Crazy how they let them act. I know the goverment makes them register themselves and gives them limited eating permissions per year but frankly, one is too many.

    If you want to fuck a weird species, try a mayflyfolk commune. For those who do, it's like a free brothel for lasting relationships. Plus it gives you a new perspective on time and life. And they could always use some help raising infants in preparation for their short human-like lives.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:07 No.16268723
    Oh, I see what you're doing there, Mr. Mind-Flayer. You want to keep these minds intact so you can eat them, is that it?
    That's just wrong...
    >Third pair
    Kindles an anger I cannot express.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:09 No.16268738
         File1315818561.jpg-(41 KB, 338x600, fireelem.jpg)
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    You could say I...
    >Yet another pair of sunglasses
    Light her passions.

    Now don't get me started on dating trolls. Too complicated.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:10 No.16268746
    Isn't Mindflayer a speciesist slur? It's hard to keep track.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:10 No.16268751
    Noooooo no no no.
    I do not want to accidentally fuck my own great-great-granddaughter.

    So I called up the lizardgirl I dated. She's dating another lizard, so I guess there's no shot of restarting that old romance.
    Too old for the club scene anymore, and they all just want to bump uglies anyways.
    Anyone in the Phoenix area know where to find a decent lounge that isn't filled with cougars (both catgirl and otherwise) trying to get laid?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:11 No.16268759
    Hey, uhh, guys, so I uhh, have this problem.

    I'm a hawkman, you see, and the girls (usually humans) love to touch my wings for some odd reason.

    Thing is, they always seem to go for the ones that are near/are an erogenous zone! What the hell? Is this, like, some kind of trolling, or flirting, or do they just not know how sensitive my wings are?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:13 No.16268773
    Yes, but I was using it in jest, as he (accidentally) told us to stop damaging his food supply.
    This is 4chan, after all.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:14 No.16268788
    They probably don't know.
    Just pretend you're ticklish there. That makes some people stop, others go faster. Either way, it gives you an excuse to stop them which isn't as awkward (Hawkward lol) as "Don't do that! I might accidentally come!"
    >> A Certain Illithid 09/12/11(Mon)05:15 No.16268791
    Murder is illegal you asshole.
    The Illithid-Anti Defamation league says so, but fuck them. We can take care of ourselves. And they gloss over how our culture desires to conquer every other lifeform under the Elder Brains glorious leadership because they want us to be accepted. Well the truth is the truth and shouldn't be hidden.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:16 No.16268808
         File1315819001.jpg-(917 KB, 1152x1152, Anima__Fire_elemental_Boss_by_(...).jpg)
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    I am indeed Tchefh of Mammon, demon lord of over 9000 layers of hell. Cursed to speak forever with memes.

    My girlfriend seems to take it pretty well, actually. You could say that she's...
    >Puts on too many sunglasses, they all come tumbling off
    ... Fuck.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:19 No.16268831
    Damn, too bad you messed that up. We were really...
    >4th pair, these ones are blue
    On fire tonight.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:22 No.16268861
    How deep do you have to BE to even DO something like that?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:23 No.16268866
    Guess I just went...
    >throws sunglasses into the fire
    all to ashes.

    (I've got all the sunglasses in the fire. ALL of them.)
    >> A Certain Illithid 09/12/11(Mon)05:24 No.16268876
    Actually 53289 of the discovered layers of the Abyss are under size of my bedroom. My bedroom's pretty big, but seriously,
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:27 No.16268912
    Bro, you gotta be grimdark. Not just a little grimdark. You've got to do a flying fucking flip off of the handle into grimdark in order to go that deep. You've gotta go off the deep end in every way to go that deep. Not even the fabled woedeath trance of the woegothics will get you grimdark enough.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:27 No.16268914
    Well, I just end up moaning (because it's friggin' hard not to) and pop a boner. Which has had some rather interesting reactions, but still, it's embarrassing.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:27 No.16268915
    Yes, I'm getting
    >Pair of shaded goggles over the top of my four pairs of glasses
    burnt out on these puns.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:29 No.16268937
    That's why you force a giggle and writhe away. I don't know how fast hawkman boners pop, but it can't be INSTANT, right?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:31 No.16268943
    Yeah, you have to be careful, mayflyfolkwise. There's a whole bunch of concurrent, staggered generations of simulatneous maturers in every commune, and larvae take a year to reach that point. Inherited traits are fairly obvious, though. I make a yearly pilgrimage like clockwork to check in with my family. Makes me feel like the fucking Doctor every time.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:31 No.16268945
    If they get the right feather, then yes, it is. And we usually wear loincloths; traditional garb, you know? You pop a boner in one of those, and everybody knows. EVERYBODY.

    I think I'll try a pre-emptive warning of "I don't like to be tickled, and my wings are ticklish." Or would that be too confrontational?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:33 No.16268959
    Not just in a good way, I mean. "You can spend the rest of your life with me, but I can't spend the rest of my life with you." That sort of thing.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:38 No.16268992
    quaking all the while in the bloodeldritch throes of the broodfester tongues. The event will be chronicled in tomes bound in the tanned, writhing flesh of a tortured hellscholar, with runes stroked in the black tears bled from the corruption-weary eyes of fifty thousand imaginary occultists. A halfhearted attempt to resist - Alas, one is not easily shaken from the broodfester tongues. They are stubborn thores.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:38 No.16268995
    Well, Sometimes. OR you can tell the truth up front and say "careful with the wings, some spots cause involuntary spasms"
    Or, if you're feeling particularly Alpha, say "Careful with the wings. Some spots can... exite me, and I'd rather not put an eye out.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:39 No.16269001
    Gods, you're right about trolls. I thought I was going to score with one, but I ended up being her guy-who-keeps-her-from-becoming-a-serial-killer. Like the friend zone, but if you fuck up, everyone around you dies.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:40 No.16269012
    I came in here expecting sweet lamia waifus, elf snuggling, and cute girls with horns, and all ya'll are talking about hawk boners.

    What the hell, tg. What the hell.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:42 No.16269022
    Sounds to me like you got...


    Also, thread is archived.
    >> A Certain Illithid 09/12/11(Mon)05:42 No.16269024
    That is the problem with the more monstrous races. Their culture is savage, and hasn't adapted to modern times as quickly as say, dwarves and humans. Thus we smarter folk have to reign them in. They are surprisingly docile when raised by other species, almost domesticated.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:43 No.16269037

    post pics
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:44 No.16269044
    Hmm, I think I'll go with the involuntary spasms thing. Thanks, Anon!

    By the way, any other Feathered friends around here, or am I the only one?
    >> Quadrone 67-B5 09/12/11(Mon)05:45 No.16269049
         File1315820746.jpg-(47 KB, 300x300, 186_modrons.jpg)
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    Do metal feathers count?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:46 No.16269056
    Sorry, I've got batwings. No help, I'm afraid.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:48 No.16269063
    Oh, hey, cool. I've actually got a question for you guys.

    Are your wings as sensitive, too?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:51 No.16269093
         File1315821100.png-(239 KB, 1000x1000, thri-kreen and bard.png)
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    OP is a close-minded faggot. There's nothing wrong with ladies of the non-humanoid variety.

    Pic related, it's me and my fiancée.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:52 No.16269099
    Shouldn't it be impossible to pop a boner anyway seeing as most birds don't have penises?
    >> A Certain Illithid 09/12/11(Mon)05:53 No.16269103
    But men do. He is a bird man. Penis is man part.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:54 No.16269110
    That's the ignorant bullshit our people have to deal with. We are just part avian you dumb fucker. I bet you think our females have a cloaca as well, eh?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:54 No.16269112
    Depends on his race, and thus how birdy he is. Maybe he just has the wings and maybe the head and/or feet.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:55 No.16269127
    Shit man, I don't know these things. They don't exactly teach this shit in bard school.

    Now the ladies I know all about, and I'm not sure what you'd call it but it's niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:55 No.16269128
    Heh heh.
    I know for a fact they don't.
    Because I saw it on redtube.
    >> A Certain Illithid 09/12/11(Mon)05:55 No.16269130
    I thought they had both?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:58 No.16269151
    Not everything's like you, buddy.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)05:58 No.16269152
    Greetings, fellow Feathered folk!

    I'm a Hawkman. We've got long nails (not talons, but they do hurt and can be a bitch to trim), feathered wings, and our bones are a hell of a lot more hollow than a human's. I *think* our bones are like half as dense as a human's, but biology was not my forte, so don't quite me on that.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:00 No.16269161
         File1315821622.jpg-(52 KB, 410x396, thri-kreen no.jpg)
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    >having bones
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:02 No.16269179
    >read about wing sensitivity
    >think about rubbing a ladybird's wings in public
    >act like I don't know about it
    >the thought of doing this makes me pop a massive boner
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:04 No.16269191
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    Man I'd stay away from them. Don't let the bright orange/red shell fool you. Umber hulks are not good girlfriend material.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:04 No.16269192
    You're likely to get a kick in the crotch if you do that, dude. Unless you're going after Ravenmen girls. I hear they're into that.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:05 No.16269197
         File1315821921.jpg-(12 KB, 320x241, 1414341-hg4_super.jpg)
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    There's a word for people like you, and it isn't a nice one.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:06 No.16269200
    Am I the only human on /tg/?
    I swear, some days I wonder whether it's a good thing we can breed with any of you.
    >> A Certain Illithid 09/12/11(Mon)06:06 No.16269204
         File1315821991.jpg-(2.28 MB, 2521x1688, ladybug.jpg)
    2.28 MB
    Ladybirds aren't even anthropomorphic, you deviant freak.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:06 No.16269205
    You'd think that was advice you wouldn't HAVE to give to people.

    But every time you actually bring it up, people call you a speciesist. And then they get eaten by their umberhulk girlfriend.
    >> Quadrone 67-B5 09/12/11(Mon)06:08 No.16269215
    Well I have no skeleton. Does this mean I'm the "hippest" now?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:09 No.16269221
         File1315822158.jpg-(118 KB, 755x1000, 1315364768924.jpg)
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    Small spidergirl took residence in my apartment. She's pretty nice, taking care of bugs. Good company too.
    Only problem is that there's cobwebs everywhere.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:10 No.16269229
         File1315822209.png-(12 KB, 512x512, thri-kreen lady.png)
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    How boorish. Your spindly fingers can't even hit the keys properly. Pick up your broken phalanges and step away from the keyboard.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:17 No.16269271
    I know that feel.
    I live in traditional country, you know, 95% catholics or so, and now I hear that my friend started going out with something just vaguely humanoid.
    Seriously, what the fuck?
    Am I the only one still into humans?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:17 No.16269273
    yeah, well, it's the best idea -I've- had in a while and I'm going to try it.

    probably with ravenchicks like that one guy said. I'm gonna find one with tight pants.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:22 No.16269296
         File1315822940.jpg-(398 KB, 800x800, thri-kreen date.jpg)
    398 KB
    Of course. You think it's easy having a relationship outside the species? People never stop giving me and my little lovebug shit, even in a progressive city like the one we live in. Somehow it's fine for a half-orc and a dragonborn to get married but you'd think I was dating Vecna with the dirty looks people give us. My brother didn't know what to say when he found out and we're still trying to figure out how to break the news to my pop. My sister... well, she's fine with it, but she always seems to giggle when it comes up. It's annoying.

    They go for the eyes first, you know. You'll get exactly what you deserve.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:23 No.16269298
    Just to warn you, they're a little artistic (read: crazy), especially the ones with bird heads. Try to find one who's the good kind of crazy. They tend to babble during sex, for example. The good kind, it's like poetry you can't understand but you know it's beautiful. The bad kind... well, it ranges from fucking nightmare fodder to Constant. Fucking. Repetition.

    Make sure you don't get a crowgirl by mistake. Bunch of miserygutses, most of them.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:24 No.16269302
    You're dating a fucking insect. You're likely to pop out horrific half-human things that should not be.
    There's a reason.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:24 No.16269307
    Should we start a new thread when this one automages (fuck you, I'm not calling it autosage, sages fucking represent)?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:24 No.16269309
    >implying I'll get anything but a long term birdrelationship if I go a-wing rubbin'

    You underestimate my bardic charms

    What, exactly, is the difference between a raven and a crow
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:25 No.16269315
    I once got socked in the face for asking a raven dude to say "Nevermore". What a prick.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:27 No.16269320
    AutoSAGE is at 300 posts, bro.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:27 No.16269321
    A raven is a kind of crow. Ravens tend to be bigger. So avoid the petite ones unless you want to help one cut herself..
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:29 No.16269335
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    That's impossible, you ignorant racial slur-hurling asshole. We can't crossbreed, which is fine, because I never really wanted kids and kreen don't exactly spend a lot of time raising theirs.

    The birds? Crows gather in much larger numbers, they're smaller, and their mimicry's not as good. Ravens are smarter individually (not to mention much bigger, nearly chicken-sized) and have heavier beaks and tend to go solo or with a mate, gathering only occasionally when there's good grub to be had.

    Crows, however, are more social and actually have some kind of simple language capability. They did a study where a researcher wore a mask and basically fucked with a bunch of crows all day and they started attacking him wherever he went. Anyone else who wore the mask got attacked too. Thing is, they mixed them up with another group and let them hang out for a bit before separating them again. When someone put the mask on and walked around near the other ones who hadn't seen it they attacked him anyway. Crazy smart birds.

    For kenkus and the like I have no idea. Never met many.
    >> A Certain Illithid 09/12/11(Mon)06:29 No.16269336
    Ravens also have beard things. However the human part ensures it only shows up on the males.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:30 No.16269342
    Corvus corax =/= corvus brachyrhynchos. They're corvids. Ravens are not crows any more than they are magpies or blue jays.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:31 No.16269352
    Come the morrow, I will find a raven lady with tight pants and make with the "oh, those wings are so cool, can I touch them?"

    Hopefully I'll score a lovebird.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:34 No.16269369
    Yeah, that's what they said about half-illithids and half-beholders.
    I personally know a mind ripper.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:37 No.16269383
    Those are the products of vile transmutation magic, not natural couplings. Beholders don't even reproduce sexually. They vomit up their young and eat any that they don't like the look of, then drive away any that remain once it rests long enough to recover its strength.

    And Illithid babies are tentacled tadpole things that can't even think. They burrow into a thrall's brain once they're big enough, eat it from the inside out, then grow and replace the head and enter a pupa state to fuck around with the rest of the body.
    >> Jamkos Urthadar, Incidental Necromatic Lord !p3x4pmpxzs 09/12/11(Mon)06:38 No.16269390
    Hey folks, few months ago I was in some trouble about a tower I'd built, apparently it was close enough to a town to classify as both a Lair and as one that had been built for the purpose of terrorizing the local populace. I got some good advice on the whole matter, it involved a few accidentally traumatized girl scouts who tried to sell brownies to me and my undead servants, being rather baked at the time, an old college roomie, Druid, was visiting and we'd lit one up for the sake of old times. Anyway, my question is, if the brownies are consumed whilst under the influence, does it still count as theft?

    To me it just seemed like the brownies had come out of nowhere, but apparently my eating them is theft, and that's grounds right there to throw doubt on my chosen alignment, he's trying to get me registered as chaotic evil, when I'm really chaotic neutral.

    So any help there? Any precedents of crime under Druid-Influenced Herbs?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)06:40 No.16269400
    That isn't what I heard about mind rippers. Sure it involves a tadpole, but not in your brain.
    >> Jamkos Urthadar, Incidental Necromatic Lord !p3x4pmpxzs 09/12/11(Mon)06:43 No.16269421
    Oh and it wasn't the theft itself, apparently I terrorized the girls and took what I felt was my due as their undead overlord.
    >> Licensed Assassin !!Zu9ecU5mpil 09/12/11(Mon)06:49 No.16269473
    You can claim that the whole thing was due to a miscast of a spell that hindered your thinking and thus made your actions not your own (see: Ne'thi'ehm V. The People of California, the one involving the sudden growth of redwoods in the middle of Sacramento, not the one about the mass theft of bonsai trees). Sure, you legitimacy as a mage will take a hit, but you'll get off scot-free and without a mark on your record. We assassins tend to keep records of how to keep our clients 'clean' and unrelated to any of their unintended deeds, like over reacting and Delayed Fireballing the messenger Kenku. Oh that was fun).
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)07:02 No.16269585
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    I took shortcut trough old warehouse district, and saw her. Wierd.. isn't that place abandoned. Also, haven't seen anything like that before.
    >> Licensed Assassin !!Zu9ecU5mpil 09/12/11(Mon)07:03 No.16269598
    My instructor told me it took eight weeks and three different mages to deal with something that looks like that. I suggest you return her to where you found her and burn it down.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)07:16 No.16269700
    A female friend of mine is dating a centaur.

    I don't really have a problem with that, I mean. He's not very bright, but he's clean, gentle, gets witty after a few beers, and is agile like fuck. He can navigate through a cramped living room with more grace than me. Not to imply that I'm graceful or anything.

    But he doesn't wear any clothes below the, below the belt, if you know what I mean. His tail mercifully covers the rear chute, but... horsecock. That's the keyword. Horsecock. It hangs there, and you can't stop being aware of it. And then they start making out, or just playing, or just sitting together holding hands like any normal couple would. But we have pants. Centaurs have this arm-sized sausage that swings around like a construction crane and leaves wet trails on the floor. The guy is aware of this and lies down when he gets excited, but still. It's beyond awkward.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)07:17 No.16269706
         File1315826226.jpg-(106 KB, 1000x1000, 1298088586.slug_mouseladyfinal(...).jpg)
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    There's an entire village of mouse people living in my backyard. They mostly run their own lives, but when I need to communicate with them, I use a hand-puppet as a 'heavenly avatar'. God's right hand, as they say.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)07:21 No.16269736
    least it isn't one of those HORRIBLE HORRIBLE FOXTAURS
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)07:21 No.16269737
    Oh fuck. I've seen this sort of thing before. Well, part of it. Sometimes, pairs of glasses spontaneously manifest as a result of sheer presence of intelligence. You are very, very lucky she acted nice with you (at least, nice enough to let you live).
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)07:29 No.16269791
    Are we autowizarding yet (FUCK YOU I DON'T CARE IF SAGE IS APANESE FOR SOMETHING OR SOME SHIT)? Should we start a new thread or what?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)07:30 No.16269797
    Oh Gods, yes. I have seen one of those. It had one wing, boobs, and six dicks. It worked behind the counter in KFC. One of the reasons why I quit fast food.
    >> Jamkos Urthadar, Incidental Necromatic Lord !p3x4pmpxzs 09/12/11(Mon)07:32 No.16269815

    Well I'm a Sorcerer, with some natural talent in the Necromancy department, so my credibility as a Mage is pretty much nonexistent.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)07:39 No.16269883
    >Be Master of Many Forms
    >See this thread and lol'd
    >I could fuck anything and people wouldn't know I'm a human

    Cause that "race traitor" stuff goes both ways you know.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)07:39 No.16269886
    okay, so, I looked around for some raven bitches with tight pants. I aint finding any. heck, I'm hardly finding any decent raven bitches.

    I think the law of statistics are against me. There are only SO MANY fine ladies. and only SO MANY of those ladies are also birds/ravens. and only SO MANY of those are wearing tight pants.

    >> Licensed Assassin !!Zu9ecU5mpil 09/12/11(Mon)07:43 No.16269917
    Then take the easy way out. If a goddamn high elf who accidentally all the shrooms can get away with turning the capital of California into a forest due to a 'miscast,' I'm sure a necromancer can get away with scaring a few girls in a, now follow my words and use them exactly when they come questioning, 'pseudo-majick (yes, put the 'jick' into pronunciation, this is important) trance caused by a miscast of a complex spell, with which you were trying gather sustenance of some sort to gather energy to dispel the trance. Because of this trance, however, your judgement was clouded, and thus you used unnecessary methods to acquire the things you sought.' With this explanation in place, your credibility as a legit mage is absolutely shot (so you'll be forever free from those 'Send your child to a private mage school' phone calls), and they town will think you're crazy as fuck, so you can just make good with the local girl scouts (read: bribe and/or donate a few undead servants to help them out for a week or two), and everything will be back to normal.

    My second assignment was to take out a Foxtaur politician who was trying to push a Free Love law into passing. Modern science says they don't or shouldn't have enough blood to keep all those appendages working. They have more than enough blood in them, it sticks to metal, and it stinks. Three fourths of my pay from that assignment was sunk into getting new gear.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)07:47 No.16269950
    Whew.. guess I dodged a bullet then. She was there, just watching. Then disappeared inside one of the buildings I think. Didn't go looking because I had this bad feeling.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)07:48 No.16269970
    Put an ad up in a local tavern dictating that you want to meet someone in a shady part of town. Indicate they will get a tremendous reward. Dictate the location as the warehouse you saw these creatures. Tell them they might want to bring weapons, as thieves roam.

    After a few dozen adventurers, one is BOUND to clear it out.
    >> Licensed Assassin !!Zu9ecU5mpil 09/12/11(Mon)07:51 No.16269999
    And this people, is what the we in the Shadows of Zoram Guild likes to call 'The A-Bomb.' Because nothing fucks up a monster's plan like multiple waves of adventurers after ale and whores.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)07:58 No.16270049
    It might not be enough. Might even make things worse. I'm getting a serious 'Awakened Tarrasque' vibe from her (empath here).
    >> Jamkos Urthadar, Incidental Necromatic Lord !p3x4pmpxzs 09/12/11(Mon)08:23 No.16270231

    Damnit, I'm not crazy, I'm chaotic. Not all of us are crazy, it only takes a few bad eggs to ruin a dozen though.

    Still, it'd be pretty handy being a certified crazy mage, and I do like brownies.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)09:38 No.16270763
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    So, went for a walk in the woods. Now I have this kid.. chick.. whatever harpy following me. Wierd thing is, didn't see any adults around.

    What the heck I'm supposed to do now?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)10:11 No.16270833
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    Found this thing in my backyard.

    Should I wait to see if it grows bigger, or should I eat it now?
    >> Jamkos Urthadar, Incidental Necromatic Lord !p3x4pmpxzs 09/12/11(Mon)10:17 No.16270884

    Maybe I'm prejudiced, but given that all living things usually come to an end, I say kill it now and be done with it.

    You can't provide for it, you don't know what it eats, and whether it'll hate you for taking it away from its natural habitat. Put it to sleep then drain its life force to fuel your Cake Experiments.

    Or struggle to raise the damn thing, and forty years from now you'll be bitter, wondering what would have become of you if you'd only followed your dreams of a life at sea.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)10:34 No.16271024
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    You might consider letting it go. Wild nagas almost never do well in captivity. I have three myself, all 3rd generation bred in captivity though.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)10:51 No.16271163
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    I found this here little lady in my dressing room yesterday; I don't even know what she is, but I'm afraid the Inquisition might disapprove of this. She speaks (or tries to) a weird language that could be low gothic, and I really have trouble communicating with her.

    She always has one of these weird metal insect things following her, she's very curious and I barely managed preventing her from going outside.

    Good news is that she somehow managed to fix the holo-set with one of her scarab; bad news is that she seems to generate these things randomly, and that she sometimes damages the furniture while looking for them (she's incredibly strong and impervious to harm). They are less harmful (and less clumsy) than her but it's becoming a hassle. She also sleeps a lot, which wouldn't cause trouble if she didn't regularly wet the bed, with molten metal.

    Now, as I said, I don't want to call the local authorities because the Inquisition will eventually try intervening, but I can't let it go on that way.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)11:01 No.16271231
    he was talking about eating it.

    Bad idea, these things have less meat on them than a prawn, and it's mostly tasteless anyway.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)11:41 No.16271538
    Eat it, are you insane? It's a sapient creature, you don't eat those.

    Like my Dad used to say, as general rule, if it can talk, don't eat it, and if it can't, don't fuck it.
    >> Jamkos Urthadar, Incidental Necromatic Lord !p3x4pmpxzs 09/12/11(Mon)11:55 No.16271647
    Obviously never met cute, mute girls or talking bagels, both of which are delightful.

    Although the bagels become somewhat depressed towards the end of things, such as when you have one bite left. Personally I like to bin that part, leave them alive or so to speak.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)11:57 No.16271668
    Not literally talking, you twit - sapience and communication.

    And if food ever started talking to me, I'd freak out and starve to death.
    >> Jamkos Urthadar, Incidental Necromatic Lord !p3x4pmpxzs 09/12/11(Mon)12:06 No.16271733
    Bah you have no taste for art. Besides they're literally begging to be eaten.
    Seriously, it's their only function in life. Although they realize their life is soon to end after parts of them have been devoured.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)12:07 No.16271739
    That's fucked-up, dude.

    Then again, you're a necromancer, you probably get some kinda sick thrill out of shit like that.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)12:08 No.16271743
    >> Jamkos Urthadar, Incidental Necromatic Lord !p3x4pmpxzs 09/12/11(Mon)12:48 No.16272023
    I'm a very loose definition of Necromancer.

    It was either reanimate corpses or start trying to make golems, and I have neither the resources or experience in that sort of craft to attempt it.

    Whereas I have four graveyards nearby, all of them with little to no security.

    That job is even less popular what with my arrival and all.

    So sadly, sick thrills is not part of the job description, just a part of ones personality.

    Its bigots like you who give us all a bad name. I mean sure, you never expected to see your great grammy back on her feet, waiting in the local laundromat for somebody's beer stained robes, but I never expected to get beer on those robes on the first place, and I have to say, torching the zombie is well out of line, they're my property!
    >> that jerk who doesn't post pictures 09/12/11(Mon)13:55 No.16272548
    I can't say I 100% agree but I understand where you're coming from.
    Now me, my girl says she's human, but she's so sweet, wise, and beautiful I know there's GOTTA be Celestial in her blood somewhere, maybe a mix of fire elemental.

    [randomly, I really am tempted to either start a freeform RP on this concept or write a book.]
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)16:17 No.16273987
    Guys, I have a problem. I read all about how demons are all about contracts, so as a joke (and practice for being a lawyer) I drafted up a contract to some Succubus girl I've had my eye on for some time saying that she'll always be with me. Thing is I also shut out any loopholes of her doing any damage (spiritually, physically, or emotionally) to me or my family.

    Things are not working out, but I just read into the contracts bit some more and realized that if demons break sworn contracts, all sorts of nasty shit happens to them like them getting disowned from their current caretakers and them getting basically expelled from their community.

    I... Don't know what to do. My contract said that the length would be forever, and while I may not like her as much I certainly don't wish to destroy her life completely. Should I just bite the bullet?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)16:27 No.16274119
    hire a wizard to teleport you to the end of time with her, contract annulled, teleport back.

    forever stops at the end of time.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)17:00 No.16274562
    Let's be blunt: you messed up. This is your fault. you were the foolish, stupid one here.

    But let's see if we can't help you out. "Always be with you"? That's awfully vague, isn't it? That's a good thing. You can count on your close, platonic friends to always be with you, right?
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)17:03 No.16274616

    keep a lock of her hair. Possibly eat some.

    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)17:11 No.16274713
    Oh, that's pretty clever. Are you a real loopholist?
    >> that jerk who doesn't post pictures 09/12/11(Mon)17:13 No.16274735
    Have you tried talking to her about her feelings on the matter? What if she is right for you and just needs to be given a second chance and get some of the problems in your relationship brought to light.
    If it's not the case, then >>16274119
    might also be good bets, but in this way the two of you can figure that part out together.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)17:13 No.16274742
    no, just a hobbyist. It's like the crossword.

    They're not hard, though. Just use your loopholes
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)17:16 No.16274781
    I had a friend who was considering becoming a professional loopholist. He took all these classes on law and criminal justice and everything.

    Funny thing, he ended up becoming a police officer. I'm still not sure how that happened.
    >> Jack McMindflayer 09/12/11(Mon)17:35 No.16274999
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    That is perhaps the most crude and derogatory description of my kind's reproduction I've ever heard.

    We most certainly do not "fuck around" with the body. We treat it as our own.
    >> Anonymous 09/12/11(Mon)20:16 No.16276673
    Dismiss her from the contract. That's a totally legal maneuver. Then again, you now have an ABSOLUTELY FREE Succubus to deal with.

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