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  • File: 1336862388.jpg-(73 KB, 500x357, fisticuffs.jpg)
    73 KB Callahan 05/12/12(Sat)18:39 No.19082172  
    Well, citizens of /tg/, gather round. Get yerselves a pint, warm up by the fire, and stop ogling the damn whores for a second so I can tell you the story of the best elf I've ever had the fortune of playing, Patrick O'Callahan.

    Old Patrick wasn't yer typical elf. He was an orphan, see. Don't worry, ain't anything secret or special about his heritage, that'd be far too trite. But Pat was an elf left in the big city, a world of humans and machines and grimy poverty. Well, the other kids around him didn't take too well to him, started calling him names, started tryin' to ambush and beat him, and Patrick didn't have the sharp tongue or the wits to get out of that sorta life. So he adapted, see.
    >> Callahan 05/12/12(Sat)18:43 No.19082207
    Well, Patrick fought back. The clerics in charge of the orphanage would often find themselves healin' up teenage boys with snapped jaws, broken ribs, and black eyes. One thing all these li'l ruffians had in common? They tried messin' with Patrick.

    Well, Pat wasn't keen on spending his years waitin' on some humans to adopt him, so he turned his brawn to good use, found himself a job down at the docks. And that's where he met her. He didn't really think much a' her at first, jus' another human lass, probably there to stare at the oddity of an elf, or maybe one of them rich girls gigglin' at the work the poor had to do. Turns out he was wrong on both accounts.

    Ya wanna know about her? Her name was Mary, an' that's about all the information you need. She ain't the focal point of the story. She and Pat got married, had a gorgeous li'l girl with her father's hair and her mother's eyes, oh-- and one day she wound up disemboweled in her home.
    >> Callahan 05/12/12(Sat)18:48 No.19082249
    Well, Patrick didn't take too well to that. Started drinkin', started gettin' more aggressive and a hell of a lot more defensive. Turns out that his natural aptitude for breakin' noses and beatin' down humans was only amplified by the almost lethal doses of ale and whiskey he could force down his throat.

    And then they found his wife's killer, see. That isn't the end of the story, only the beginnin'. Turns out he was some insane cultist, ya know the kind. The cultists who do all sorts a' necromatic rituals. Well, Pat started pointing fingers at anyone religious. If ya worshiped a God, in Pat's eyes, ya were no better than the man who killed his wife.

    Well, Pat was pretty vocal and pretty aggressive about all that God hatin' stuff. One day, one of his drunken rants rubbed a passin' by Paladin the wrong way. Most brutal barfight you've ever seen. Took a homeless architect, a thief on the lam, and a stranded apprentice spellslinger type to break them apart.

    Well, meet Patrick's best friends for the next year or so.
    >> Callahan 05/12/12(Sat)18:54 No.19082327
    So, as fate would have it, they all had somethin' against that cult. Pat obviously wanted his wife avenged. Paladin was huntin' them down, architect was blaming them fer the bastard losing his job, thief was framed, mage wanted some justice of his own. As one might expect, mutual hatred is the best way to make friends, and they began trackin' down as many cultists as they could for the slaughter.

    'course, they took Patrick's daughter along. Couldn't just leave a four year-old girl on her own. The group was pretty fond of her, I reckon. Patrick redefined the term, 'Papa Bear', and anything that looked at the li'l girl the wrong way got turned into a gory puddle by her Pop. Paladin tried to dissuade her from listening to Patrick's anti-religious rants, Mage and Thief tried to teach her a few tricks of the trade, you get the gist.

    Now, one day, they find some bad news. Turns out, the cult they're following? Well, their goal is to turn their leader into a living God, same story you've heard a dozen times before. So the group goes head-first into their unholy place a' worship, intending to stop the ritual before it goes through.

    And as they're cleavin' through the undead, bustin' heads, incineratin' abominations, Patrick's quiet. Real quiet. Ain't like him in the least. Any fights between the party get split up by Pat rather than started by him.

    See, he's still drunk. Just not exclusively on ale and whiskey anymore. At the moment, Ol' Patrick's drunk on hate.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)18:55 No.19082335
    Expressing interest in the continuation of this storytiem thread
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)18:59 No.19082390
    >Patrick O'Callahan
    >Heavy drinker

    Reminds me of The Dark Tower a little...
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:01 No.19082403
    I like this, i like this a lot.
    >> Callahan 05/12/12(Sat)19:01 No.19082404
    If that thief couldn't pick a lock, Patrick would simply bash downa door. Speakin' of which...

    Bam! The door to the Cult Leader's inner sanctum comes tumbling down, and the party storms in, swords drawn, spells ready to be flung, li'l girl in the back.

    Turns out they're too late. Ritual's finished. Cult leader, or God of Darkness turns, power cracklin' around him. And, as one would expect, he begins his rant about how useless it was to try and fight him, its all over, he's a God. So they lose, and that's the end of the story.

    ...Nah, I'm just screwin' with you. Around half way into that big speech, Patrick sprints over and decks the sunnuva bitch. Divine teeth and spit fly all over the place.

    That new God tries to say something along the lines of, "You dare hit your God?" but that's sorta hard considering Patrick just broke the bastard's jaw.

    Fight to end it all begins. The majority of the party is busy trying to stem the horde a' fanatical cultists and monsters coming to reinforce their God, but Pat and the God are going toe to toe. To no one's great surprise, the mortal heroes start to lose. Yeah, its a bummer, just sit tight.

    So, architect, paladin, mage, and thief are all wounded, barely conscious, but Patrick's still slinging punches at the Cult Leader. That dark God finally decides he's had enough and incinerates one of Patrick's arms. Just like that, a flash and then his arm is nothin' but ash.

    He demands that Patrick submit to him.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:05 No.19082446
    This is really good man .
    Also why is it the best elves seem to be the ones raised in human cities and away from their heritage
    >> Callahan 05/12/12(Sat)19:06 No.19082464
    So, Patrick does anything BUT the rational thing and starts punching with his off hand. God of Evil gets pissy and incinerates the other one, leavin' old Pat with two stumps. "NOW BOW, YOU WHELP!" he roars. Patrick casually glances at his two missing arms and does the reasonable thing.

    Nah, again I'm messin' with you. This is Patrick we're talking about. Pat headbutts the fucker and takes out the rest of his Godly front teeth. God is beyond pissed now, and is more insistent on getting rid of this elf than he is in satisfying his ego and just wills Patrick out of existence.

    Poof, gone.

    Nothing's stopping him now. Party's either dying or willed out of existence, so he starts spreading those all-too-familiar black clouds across the globe. Blocking out the sun, initiating a thousand years of darkness and hate and all that and-- well wait a minute, what's that?

    Rummaging through the wounded Mage's belongings is a little red-haired girl, eyes red with tears. And out of it she pulls... a scroll of Wishing!

    Party couldn't decide what to do with it. Everyone wanted to do something crazy, from infinite wealth to bringing back Mary to wiping evil from the face of the Earth. In the end, the Mage just kept it, since any wish they made could go horribly wrong.

    But that little girl, on the verge of the apocalypse? She wishes for the one thing a little girl wishes for when everything seems lost. She wants her father back.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:07 No.19082471
    Go on...
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:07 No.19082478
    That's because humans tend to talk about those more than about humans growing up in elven communities.
    Use your fuckin' head for a second, will ya?
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:09 No.19082500
    True that. The best of anyone tends to be someone who grew up away from his people.
    >> Callahan 05/12/12(Sat)19:10 No.19082520
    Now, what do kids that age know about their parents? Not much, lemme tell you. They get glimpses... little tidbits that they idealize. And I'm sure I don't have to tell you more knowledgeable types what happens to ideals when we start talkin' about high level magic, huh?

    Well, the darkness crackles and breaks. In the pitch that's consumed the globe, now there's one bit of light. Ain't some pansy white light, hell no. Its red as blood, full of hate and fury.

    Two Gods are born that day. A God of Darkness and a God of Vengeance. Patrick steps out of that light, ten feet tall, wings and hair of flame, muscles even bigger and harder than the original.

    Oh, you should'a heard that God of Evil screaming. Throwin' spells, ordering minions to get in his way, beggin' for his life. Nothin' was stopping God-Patrick who casually walked over, brushin' everything out of his way, and crushed that egotistical fucker's head in his colossal hands.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:11 No.19082535
    This is amazing even better when you read it in a stereotypical 80's detectives voice
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:11 No.19082536
    This is great, I am excite to read the next installment!
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:13 No.19082556
    >80's detectives voice
    I have no idea what voice that's supposed to be. Do you mean a generic Noir voice? Because that's 20's-50's. And it supposed to be read in the voice of a lower-class Irishman.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:13 No.19082559
    Dunno man. I was reading it in an Irish accent and it sounded pretty cool too.
    >> Callahan 05/12/12(Sat)19:15 No.19082583
    Well, you're wondering what comes next, right? You should all know that by now. God of Evil dies, Patrick ascends to the Heavens or wherever the hell he wanted to go, and the world went back to the way it was for the most part.

    For the party? Well, the Mage became a politician a' sorts, started advocating for the control and regulation of magic so that that cult shit never happened again. The architect? Used the fame from his adventure to catapult him into success, and eventually revolutionized that whole building-art world. The Thief slipped back into the shadows where he belonged.

    The Paladin? Oh Lord, you should've seen him. The guy who lost all those fist fights against Patrick over religion, all those times when they butted heads? Well, he never went back to his Order. He outright abandoned them. Instead, he went and founded a new Church, dedicated to a God who knew true justice. He founded the Church of Callahan, God of Just Retribution.

    And li'l Sarah O'Callahan? Mmm... I think she's going to be my next PC when we continue this.

    Thanks for listening, /tg/.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:15 No.19082586
    If you're not reading this in the voice of Rucks from Bastion, you're doing it wrong.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:18 No.19082616
    So he went up to Heaven or Fuckwhatever to beat up Gods and shit?
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:18 No.19082622
    Sarah O'Callahan = Factotum. It must be so.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:19 No.19082633
    Can I still him for my campaign
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:20 No.19082647
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    This was a pretty cool story OP. I like it.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:20 No.19082651
    Like most things I read, I read the whole thing in Morgan Freeman's voice.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:21 No.19082663
    Steal (sorry on my phone)
    >> Callahan 05/12/12(Sat)19:22 No.19082681
    Go ahead, chief.
    I can't say for sure what Patrick's doing anymore, all I know is that he's still looking out for his daughter. And hey, maybe after all that, he gets to see his wife again. That'd be a nice end to his story, wouldn't it?
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:25 No.19082717
    Or maybe that's his new adventure - stomping through the heavens trying to track down his wife and breaking the nose of any god, angel, or devil who stands in his way.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:26 No.19082731
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:27 No.19082741
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:27 No.19082752
    Makes no sense he'd bully human kids, he'd still be in diapers when they leave.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:28 No.19082755
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    Mr. Callahan, sir?

    I think you are the best! When I grow up I want to be big and strong, just like you. I want to keep my family safe. It's scary out there on the big, open streets.

    Thank you very much for the story, sir!
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:28 No.19082764
         File: 1336865315.jpg-(32 KB, 500x600, God Wills It.jpg)
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    Thoroughly enjoyed your tale OP. Thank you.
    >> Callahan 05/12/12(Sat)19:31 No.19082803
    I never said anythin' about him bullying other kids. Just fightin' back when they tried to single him out. As for him growin' up, I can't say how well I know elf development, but I figure they got the eternal youth thing rather than the 'age really slowly' thing going for them.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)19:46 No.19083001
    Using a reaction image at this point just seems trite.

    You're a cool guy OP. Keep it up.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)20:32 No.19083584
         File: 1336869159.png-(329 KB, 1345x2036, The Story of Patrick O'Callaha(...).png)
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    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)20:49 No.19083784
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    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)20:59 No.19083908
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    Oh, man. Thank you, OP. I was having a horrid day, then I come home and this is the first thread I see on /tg/.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)21:45 No.19084459
    If they had a wish scroll powerful enough to make a god...

    ...why didn't they just wish the evil god out of existence in the first place?
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)21:54 No.19084562

    Because generally, wishes tend to be double edged swords.

    But kids? Man, they don't care. They probably don't even know.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)21:55 No.19084570
    well you gotta think of the context
    >heated battle nobody has time to get the scroll out
    >people might have been saving or forgot
    or if your wondering why the girl didnt do it
    >its a 4 year old girl with 4 year old reasoning
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)22:03 No.19084632

    I think he means the cult leader acended and left the scroll behind. The party was surprised they had it, remember?
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)22:11 No.19084712
         File: 1336875087.gif-(994 KB, 245x280, thats so good I need a smoke.gif)
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    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)22:11 No.19084714
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    Absolutely amazing, OP.

    Brought lil' tears to my eyes with the daughter's wish.

    Please, if you ever adventure again, tell us your story. I always love a story about just heroes.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)22:27 No.19084866
         File: 1336876061.jpg-(31 KB, 484x488, 1252082088580.jpg)
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    Because everyone's a sucker for an imigrant story.

    And no I didn't tear up at the little girl's wish. I'll bust your fuckin' head open if you say that again...sniffle...
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)23:00 No.19085190
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    Deserves a front page bump.
    >> LaBambaMan 05/12/12(Sat)23:12 No.19085295
    Damn it OP; that was so awesome I actually don't have a suitable picture for it.
    >> Anonymous 05/12/12(Sat)23:13 No.19085310
    yes, yes it did
    >> Anonymous 05/13/12(Sun)04:10 No.19087870
         File: 1336896645.jpg-(161 KB, 500x375, -_- 134.jpg)
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    Morning bump so my fellow euro bros gets a chance to read it.
    >> Anonymous 05/13/12(Sun)04:57 No.19088080
    >"And then there was a deus ex machina that went into full retard mode!"

    It's not just that scrolls of wish can't even come close to making gods in D&D, because no edition was specified. It's that if they could, wizards would just make themselves into gods instead.

    >> Anonymous 05/13/12(Sun)05:24 No.19088190
    My guess is the DM thought it would be a good rule-of-awesome moment and let the character go out with an almighty bang, rules be damned.
    >> Anonymous 05/13/12(Sun)05:36 No.19088238
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    Bad dm, uses the rules like railroad tracks
    Good dm, uses the rules as guidelines.
    >> Anonymous 05/13/12(Sun)05:50 No.19088294
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    Mah nigga! I totally was to, and it was glorious. I may have taken it too far and even imagined barely intelligible boistrous drinking songs being shouted dimly in the background.
    >> Anonymous 05/13/12(Sun)06:06 No.19088354
    >> Anonymous 05/13/12(Sun)12:33 No.19090865
         File: 1336926789.png-(42 KB, 149x142, Archive.png)
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    Just archived this on Sup/tg/, vote dis shit up right now.
    >> Anonymous 05/13/12(Sun)12:54 No.19091009
    >"Oh shit, I don't actually have a counterargument, but I don't like what that guy said!"

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