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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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/tg/, a friend of mine intends to bring me into a Dark Heresy game he's about to start, wherein the players are all chefs starting a fast food franchise across the Imperium to compete with the super-powerful burger joint Tzeentch In A Box (because they somehow get an Inquisitor indebted to them or something. Contrived, I'm sure, but whatever).

Despite the fact that I've never played anything even remotely set in the 40k universe, he wants me to play as the CEO of Tzeentch In A Box, secretly undermining the players' every action. A secret BBEG.

While I certainly think I'm clever enough to handle this, and the entire premise is fucking hilarious, which is enough for me by itself...well, I mentioned that I've never touched 40k, right?

So, what should I do to:
1) Keep my cover
2) Make my character in any way efficient as a chef/CEO/covert operative
3) Screw over my teammates' business empire in as many clever, devious, and/or hilarious ways as possible?

Extra credit will be given for answers that make me laugh uproariously.

Pic is the only 40k-related image I have, because even the uninitiated know that the Emprah protects /tg/.
It occurs to me, too late, that 3 am on Independence Day was probably a bad time to start this thread.
Wait, so if you're secretly the Tzeentch CEO, who is your character posing as? Another chef?

Also, we're going to need 40k fast food, stat. So far all I've got is the
>multi-melted cheeseburger
and the outrageously spicy and filling
>The Exterminatus Dog
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First of all you'll want to game your Fellowship characteristic as high as possible.

This helps with both lying and getting people to like you. It is the only stat you need to focus on. You should also consider decent Weapon Skill to represent your abilities with kitchen knives.

High Fellowship is also useful for issuing commands and orders. Get a a sous-chef. No... get a hundred sous-chefs. Each loyal to you before all others. Get Air of Authority and all the leadership-focused talents you can. Tweak your character completely towards commanding others. Then have your army of sous-chefs do your bidding as you sit in the back juggling knives and making perfect soup. You'll be the most powerful member of the party and the WS and FS stats will look completely in character and hilarious to your party. They'll never suspect it until it's far too late.

Picture semi-related. It is a cheese falcon. An appetizer served to out of touch nobles and aristocrats amused by the inferior xenos races they have never been forced to meet.
Make sure your teammate's food is true fast food - that is, it has more cholesterol than is right or healthy.

Suggest having the delivery trucks run off of the fryer oil in order to increase profits, spreading delicious smelling exhaust fumes throughout the city. Just smelling it makes them think about your teammate's restaurant. Olfactory subliminal advertising. More people eating more meals in the restaurants, coupled with the fact they are being served rendered cholesterol, will cause the consumer base to die off relatively quickly. If you get lucky, it will cause enough ghost towns to bring down an overzealous inquisitor on their heads.

Because that's what Tzeentch is about, subtle dickery
Be a Cleric. Take Trade (Cook).

Since you're a villain, take Missing Digit. The best villains are missing a finger on their left hand. It's just sinister as all getout. Don't ask questions.
As the CEO of Tzeentch in a Box are you, yourself, a chaos worshipper or is it just a really ironically heretical name and you're actually a loyal Imperial citizen with really awful taste and an Inquisitor who owed them a favour so got the name cleared (aka GM fiat)

This is important so we know whether to suggest chaos tricks in the food or marketing tricks in the 41st millennium or both.
Source cheap meat for your 'team-mates' from an overpopulated Hive World.

I shouldn't need to tell you the tweeeest.
I run a corporation that has Tzeentch in the name, but I don't know if I'm supposed to be a follower of Tzeentch.

I'm willing to entertain this notion if it makes things more hilarious.

Anyway, I'm supposed to be the CEO of the Tzeentch In A Box fast food corp, following around this upstart group while posing as a member, in order to destroy the competition...presumably because I just have THAT great of a monopoly that these are the only chefs in the entire Imperium that challenge my supremacy.

So, all I need to do is make sure they're as greasy as possible? This sounds like it could backfire. McDonalds is greasy, and it's EVERYWHERE.
Suggest that they capture a brand new market by selling to the Tyranids.

When the entire planet gets nom'd, protest that you weren't to know that would happen.
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>This just in: Tzeentch-in-a-Box stocks are at an all time high as competitors try to downplay recent accusations of allowing low quality grot dog meat containing live ork spores to be shipped to over forty separate Imperial worlds. A spokesperson could not be reached for comment.
If he could actually get the 'nids to pay him for worlds as food, he'd be ridiculously rich.

Like, he could just buy out the Gods of Chaos rich.

New nefarious scheme: invent the Nurgleburger. Claim to have no idea why so many customers have been getting sick.
>Tzeentch in a Box
>Offering Nurgleburger

Tastes like Heresy.
Hey, if Space Marines can absorb something's memories by eating its flesh, does that mean they're all vegetarians?

>Ultramarine bites into delicious beefburger
>goes quiet, staring into middle distance
>single tear rolls down his cheek
>moos softly
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Just As Flan'd.
they need to eat the brain to do that
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This thread is already /tg/ gold.
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Get one of your sous-chefs to start a rumour that the franchise binds daemons of Slaanesh to their burgers to make them more desireable.

Then get a second sous-chef to go actually bind some daemons to the food being sent to, say, a high profile catered event.

Then get a third sous-chef to go to a fourth sous-chef's hab-block, paint chaos markings over all the walls and leave banned literature on the table.

Then kill the fourth sous-chef yourself, present his head to your teammates and claim full responsibility for allowing such a vile heretic to infiltrate your cherished organization.

Vow to be more stringent in your hiring process in the future and immediately institute a wide variety of draconian new hiring rules that appear to restrict your sous-chefs but actually serve to prevent anyone else from hiring their own.
That's devious, but I don't want to decapitate the organization in one stroke. It'll be more (Dorf Fortress-style) Fun if I just slowly sabotage everything they do.

But aside from just automatically moving in on any market they target, how do I most effectively screw them over without seeming to actually know what they're doing?

I've got to make my own actions seem like those of an inscrutable, mysterious other.
"Yo, Augustus? Bro? You gonna finish that? Cos-"
Oh god. This is awkward but... no they don't.

They gain a bit of genetic memory from eating any flesh. Stuff like flashes of good areas to eat, smells of dangerous predators, stuff like that. Eating the brain is for getting specific thoughts and memories. Seriously go look it up again and laugh at the consequences. This is the explicit reason why so many chapters have flesh eating or blood drinking rituals. They gain bits of each others' memories and bond as a chapter.

It's one of the more ridiculous parts of space marine fluff when you think about it for too long.

>omshom the

Indeed captcha. Indeed.
>Tzeentch in a Box
>Offering Nurgleburger

Tzeentch and Nurgle don't play well, just as Khorne and Slaanesh don't play well.
Duh! That's why the Nurgleburger is on the lunch menu, not the dinner menu.

What do you think we are, a pizzeria?
>Pulled ork sandwiches! Now with tomato! On sale for a limited time only so get yours today before they're exterminated!
A more prosaic way to hit them would be to hire pirates (Rogue Traders, Dark Eldar, etc.) to hit their supply lines. You might manage to then offer to sell meat to the company from your 'connections', gouging them for a reasonable profit. If you play your cards right, you can come across as the hero while eating away the company from the inside.

Speaking of connections, take every opportunity to get your people in the mix. If your Fellowship is good, they'll expect you to handle negotiations, and you can work that into hiring.

Make sure to sabotage everything any other person takes high responsibility for, but only if you can pin the blame on them. Any infighting they do is less work for you.
>take the cheesefalcon
>change the guns, extend the hull a little
>serve with tortillas
>call it a Mexican Wave Serpent
So, we've got Tzeentch In A Box offering Nurgleburgers.

I propose Khorne on the Cobb, Emperor Crab Rangoon, and the Slaanesh Delish Dish special, which is a 4-course meal in one bag.
The Calamarifex: A towering heap of fried squid, menacing with hundreds of delicious tentacles fried to a golden crisp. Your sole ally against this fearsome foe is the mayonnaise dip included with every order of The Calamarifex.

Now available at Tzeentch in a Box for only 50 Thrones.
+++Data Transmission Incoming+++
DATE: 428.M41
AUTHOR: >Insufficient Security Clearance<
SUBJECT: Lunch Menu at Tzeentch-In-A-Box
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: fill your bellies with love for the Emperor - and one of our delicious jumbo grot dogs.

Garden Jetbike Salad - 2 thrones

Jumbo Grot Dog - 2 thrones

Pulled Ork Sandwich 3 thrones

Nurgleburger - 4 thrones (with flies, add 1 throne)

Krootine - 4 thrones with your choice of peas, bacon or mushrooms (extra cheese curds or extra topping, add 1 throne each)

Lemonade - 1 throne

+++Transmission Ends+++
*Note, I do know that Tzeentch-In-A-Box is the competitor that only OP is secretly working for, but since we don't have a name for OP's group's restaurant, it's an excuse to say Tzeentch-In-A-Box more.
>Your sole ally against this fearsome foe is the mayonnaise dip included with every order


"Going to war against your food" should ABSOLUTELY be the main thrust of your marketing campaign OP.
OP here:

I figure if my DM is willing to manufacture a company called Tzeentch In A Box (this was *his* idea), that dishes as a series of puns on Chaos Gods is exactly what he's looking for.

From what I hear, his experience with DH has been with a DM that actively sought to fuck the party over at every single available opportunity, so I expect this whole ordeal to be COVERED IN DEATH.

Which, as I'm led to believe by /tg/'s summaries, is more or less the standard Dark Heresy scenario.
>Slaanesh involved in the fast food industry
I finally understand the KFC Double Down.

>all those puns
>'Lemonade' at the end
This thread has apparently been archived:


We must increase production of Chaos-based entrees at least 250% if we are to keep this thread relevant to future generations!
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Can you have Chaos cultists garrisoning the local Tzeentch-In-A-Box and taking potshots over at the Emperor's Fried Chicken on the other side of the road? And your mission is to take them out for the Emperor and affordable meals untainted by Chaos?

>my response
No, wait, make that "Emperor's Finest Chicken".
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Get your hot n' spicy Malalsa here! It'll turn your insides against eachother!

What's that? Can't handle the heat? Sure you can! Try Friar Dragons' Squad of six, premium cooked wings of delicious chicken

Still not to your liking?? How about a tangible bowl of Ahrimango with a side of Crêpe (Mary) Suezette!

You want MORE? Get the FUCK out of my restaurant!
>thread's gone on this long
>nobody's posted Schwig's picture of the Spess Mahreen burger bar and the copypasta that accompanies it

I've never heard of this.

Enlighten me. Enlighten me long and enlighten me hard.
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You mean this?
I fucking read that in Boreale's voice.
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Use high-fructose corn syrup in every single fucking thing, like all the fast food places do today. Replace with high-fructose khorne syrup. Copy-paste the fast food propaganda of today. Use followers as useful idiots (in this case, libertarians) to deny fast food makes anyone psychopaths.

Also, I know just the mascot for you...
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Still needs the full picture. It might just possibly be in the corner of this image, uploading blind...
Gives a whole new spin to [spoiler]We Serve Chaos Undivided[/spoiler], doesn't it?
Sweet, it is! Could swear there was a larger version, though...
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I feel proud that I was the first to see that thread (and bump it)
So, much as I love the awesome shit /tg/ is coming up with as backstory for Tzeentch In A Box, can anybody help me in devising a character that can work in this scenario?

I honestly don't have any idea how to make a DH character, and most of my teammates started on DH and migrated to D&D. I'm going to opposite route. I take from the old Grendel threads and extrapolating that DH likes lower rolls better than D&D's high rolls? I mean, I've been devouring the Lexicanum Wiki for hours, but there's so little crunch in there that I'm semi-versed in the Lore, but I still have exactly no idea what I'm doing for character creation.
>The best villains are missing a finger on their left hand.
The best villains have an EXTRA finger on their RIGHT hand!
Like who?
Fellowship. Get the highest Fellowship you legally can. Then take proficiencies in social skills for additional bonuses. Then take talents for yelling at people and telling them what to do.

Fellowship is the only stat a character like yours will need to ever care about.

The central mechanic in this series of games is a d100 roll. You want to roll under your stat and various skills, talents and items give you temporary bonuses to your stat for certain rolls. You can get a shockingly high fellowship if it's the only thing you do with your character. And it should, rules-wise, be the the only focus of him. Let your party do other stuff. Being the Fellowship guy means, as anon pointed out earlier, that your party will try to get you to do negotiations and stuff, which you secretly want of course but should pretend to do reluctantly.

And Weapon Skill as your secondary "stat you actually care about" is fun for the sake of threatening enemies with kitchen utensils and actually being intimidating while doing so.
The Six Fingered Man, who else?!
So, I should still be shooting for a high number on stats, despite low rolls being the goal, right?

Super-high Fellowship rolls, high bladed weapons rolls. Is there anything else I should focus on?
You are now worried about High-Fructose Khorne Syrup.
Nah that's what your party is for. Let someone else be a skilled sniper or whatever.

YOU are a skilled negotiator, able to be friendly and bombastic or shrewd and silver tongued as necessary. YOU haggle with marketing companies. YOU hire new workers and sous-chefs to assist the restaurant. YOU train new employees in how to cut the vegetables properly.

Get Leadership focused talents. Tweak the whole character around Fellowship and don't worry. Your party will pick up the slack.

And just in case, when they finally discover you near the end of the campaign, you have your knife fighting skill to ward them off as you escape. You don't need anything else.
This. Be the spokesman for Emperor's Finest Chicken and bring quality meals to the loyal servants of the Emperor through force of marketing, superior product quality and superior firepower.

It's gonna be finger-licking glorious.
Quarter to eight. Time for the breakfast menu bump.

Get a cup of recaf and a BLT bagel right here at Tzeentch-In-A-Box to make sure you have the energy you need to do the work of the Emperor all day!
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Tzeentch-In-A-Box now has ice cream. Try our new "Summer Snacks" menu today!

You're sure to find a tasty treat you'll enjoy, from our delicious strawberry milkshakes to our fresh baked brownies.

Because (wait for it...)

fuck you for making me want s'mores at 8:30 in the morning
Someone get the khorne flakes picture
Smores are now three for one throne. Praise the Emperor!

Only Tzeentch-In-A-Box can offer you high quality freshly made s'mores at such a holy hour as this.

Rise, and do your duty for the Imperium and the God-Emperor with humility and purpose. Consume many of our delicious s'mores in His name.

Let your stomach be filled with their gooeyness just as the Emperor fills your heart.
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Tzeentch-In-A-Box has collaborated with priests of the Adeptus Mechanicus to bring you our newest, Omnissiah approved culinary wonder:

Pi Pie!

Let all who end their meals with a lesser desert feel the Wrath of the most Holy God-Emperor. And woe unto those for whom pie is a meal unto itself. For the Emperor alone is your Shepard and any pie that dares claim otherwise is a witch pie.
threads like this are the reason I come to /tg/ despite never having played a /tg/ related game
Same Here.

Btw, there is something I don't get. Wouldn't an an Imperal company with the name of a Chaos God get targeted by the Inquisition or am I missing something here?
You're not. GM fiat said it was okay. It was handwaved away as "inquisitorial clearance" because it's not a serious bzns campaign.
There should be the Ordo Lucullus dedicated to retrieving ancient recipes lost in the age of Strife as well as providing grade A cuisine for the heroes of the imperium.
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+++Data Transmission Incoming+++
DATE: 431.M41
AUTHOR: >Insufficient Security Clearance<
SUBJECT: Tzeentch-In-A-Box Internal Memo
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: The Emperor's Light guides your mind just as our new flame-broiled quarter pound grox burger guides your appetite!

Loyal servants of the Emperor and of Tzeentch-In-A-Box, we have grave news.

One of our sandwich transport ships, a fourteen megatonne cargo vessel by the name of The Bearded Lady, has been lost in the warp with all hands. May the Emperor protect the souls all aboard. Who knows what strange horrors they face now?

In other more positive news, Clumsy Larry from HR has been promoted to pastry servitor. We are sure he will be efficient and unemotional in his new position. Congratulations Larry!

+++Transmission Ends+++
Why not an entire Chapter dedicated to cooking?
We can call them the... chefmarines!
The Ordos Culinarius.

Not to be confused with the Ordos Cunilingus.
>Ordos Cunilingus
Are those the battle sisters that keep the God-Emprah alive through lesbian shenanigans?
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Our previous combi-platter "Moribundity Meals" were a huge success, now Tzeentch-In-A-Box is proud to introduce the latest in kid-friendly treats:

Now included in each combi-platter that you buy for your growing little guard-conscript is one of six skull spoons. Each one is perfect for eating tapioca, the pudding of death.

Collect all six! This offer is for a limited time only and while supplies last! Ask your parents if you can eat dinner at Tzeentch-In-A-Box tonight! If they say no they're heretics and it is your duty to report them to the Inquisition (haha just kidding mom and pop!)

But seriously, report them.
Any thing that gives me a legitimate excuse to call another thing a "witch pie" is a good thing.
The skull spoons would seem to indicate that enjoying soup is heresy.
It is!

Too much soup is the dominion of Slaanesh. No single broth can quench She Who Thirsts. All soup is drunk in His-Her name and all soup corrupts. Absolute soup corrupts absolutely.
>But seriously, report them.

Can the announcer sound like Cave Johnson?
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Even our employees taste good!
>Skulls for the skull throne, spoons for the spoon god!
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Oi! U getz is muckin bout wit dat humie food GET YA SQUIGGOTH BURGER AT DAKKA JR!!!

In the grim future of the 41st millennium, there is only one choice for quality family dining: Tzeentch in a Box!
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Alright, sir, so that's one Nugleburger combo with Emperor-sized fries and an Inquisitor Pepper, one Primarch Platter with extra Slaanesh sauce, and a baked potaTau? Would you like to try our new Codex Cola?
Dinner menu bump!

Everything tastes better at Tzeentch-In-A-Box
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I hope somebody besides me got this reference.
I'm rewatching the movie adaptation right now because of this thread actually.

Nonononono, I said I wanted Tau Tar-tar!
'What's that sir, you didn't like our Xeno Codex Cola? Well, I'm afraid we won't be revising the ingredients for another six or seven years. Have you tried one of the flavours of Marine Codex Cola? We find them to be much more popular.'
'This... this Marine Codex Cola is full of cheese!'
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Go to emperahs fried chicken:
You: I'm here to see the emperor.
Clerk: Heded
You: No the emperor
Clerk: Itolu heded
You: THRONE! the emperor!
Clerk: Wy YUnho Listn Heded!!
You: Fuck he's possessed. Call in the air strike.
ok this is too thread related to not show this.now i know you guys hate fanfiction.net, but


not only that but, the guy hates ward's necron fluff, he seems to be a true fa/tg/uy

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