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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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Tell us your tales brave spess men and spess ladies!
this one time I got the fukken disk
that feel when don't need to fire a shot, station doesn't realize it's nuke and nuke ops head back in time for donk pockets while the station vaporizes
also, that feel when plenty of erp but no ss13 rule34
>Server 1
>Be clown
>Stand in HoP line
>Lawyer comes and kills me with welder

>Be AI
>Admin says "Good AI last round."
>Immediately contested by several players
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>banned on every single server
>didn't even kill anyone
>What do you mean teleporting them into a (self build) sealed off area in space with only a letter saying "rebuild society" and whatever junk i teleport there is bannable?

>building emitters that face towards escape is bannable, too.



My buddy made that img and i first posted it on various topics and the tg+donglabs forums, nice to see it used.

Here is the other one.

TG admins, why u no fun?

That image is like the cover picture to Syndicate. It's used all the time.
>Die as clown, no biggy.
>Only like five minutes in
>Rosen makes a CentComm announcement saying to watch for infiltrators, meteors, aliens, and traitors.
>I ask how the infiltrators are doing.
>Apparently there aren't any. So he makes me one.
>Fuck yeah
>Spawned in wizard den, get to take a fuckton of bombs, ammo, C4, a jetpack, a suit, a helmet, and a gun.
>Teleported off wiz den when geared up.
>Fly over to atmos, use my tool belt to break in and sabotage it to pump CO2. Nothing comes of this.
>Derp around, get spotted a few times, but only for a moment.
>Take potshots at people if I see them in space
>Toss bombs errywhere
>People think there are multiple saboteurs, Syndi Handler congratulates me.
>C4 the external airlock from the Engineering escape pod down
>Run in, drop bomb at PA, book it
>Singulo dies down, AI and engineers worried.
>Break in from the other side a few moments later, hack into the SMES room and toss a bomb at it
>Shuttle called, toss bombs, shoot shit
>Get picked up

10/10 round, would infiltrate and sabotage again.
Mine little story, i hope cool. But hell, i know this not cool
>Be janitor
>Be traitorous scum
>Needed to kill QM
>Come to cargo, help him with some crates and stuff, be a total bro
>I planning do it nice and silently
>fuck, i needed be quick.
>Parapen him when he goes out from cargo, tried choke him in near maintenance tunnel.
>Almost choke him to death, then sleep pen goes off
>he running away in cargo, screaming about me be a changeling.
>I tried be nice and quiet, but now fuck stealth!
>spawn a e-sword and e-mag
>come to him
>he almost escaped
>AI saw me with e-sword, now i fully wanted
>I still killed QM, so i just needed to escape
>hiding in maintenance, AI almost seal it off
>hide there for some time, get through detective office.
>make a way to escape pods, no one gives a fuck - station almost wreck
>robust CE when he tried push me off from pod
>Turns out i was a almost only one who win from traitor - other lucky was clown with steal objective i think.

I hate loud robust way, i prefer be nice and stealthy. Next time - i will be using a space...
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>Be Engineer
>Plasma Leaking from all vents
>"No worries I'll weld them shut"
>AI says: "No chucklefuck you gonna set it on fire"
>"What"? Weld them.
>Shit's on fire.
>Everywhere there are fire.
>"Oh shit, what have I done?"
>Shut is called. Everyone flips the fuck out.
>Traitors use this clusterfuck I had created to their own benefict.
>Everyone escapes in the shuttle.
>All traitors are successful.
>I wasn't a traitor nor I sympathized with them.
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...Why is there a clown?
Who else is going to honk?
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>Be syndicate
>We all say what we're gonna be doing, decide not to subvert AI, just hit the armory, then grab the disk brute force
>I decide to go in via south solars and hit genetics. Fuck them just cloning the people we blow up/shoot
>Ask over the comms whether we're live
>Guess that's a yes
>Storm into medbay through surgery
>Shoot dead a geneticist, another flees
>Plant c4 on cloner, duck out the room, watch it blow, then get the fuck out of there
>Try and regroup with my bros, but get no reply, only intercepted messages from crew
>'Shit its down to me'
>Charge for bridge, where I assume the disk is
>Emag in via teleporter
>Disk is in the safe, emag it and grab dat fukken disk
>Door opens, I reach for my E-gun......
>.....And click too many times, switch to my revolver, fire three revolver shots, which would have downed anyone except for someone wearing bulletproof armor or the HoS jacket
>And its the fucken HoS
>He gets three shots off with his E Gun and I go down, stun damage for the win
>I'm desperately trying to grab my cynide pill out my pocket, can't
>start trying to type suicide
>Finally bite my own tongue off, desperately try to type succumb
>Succumb just as the HoP and HoS are right next to me, and knock them both down
>And then a syndicate brother walks in, me gibbed, and HoP downed
>He strips them, and finishes them off with his revolver without breaking a sweat
>Calmly pockets the nuke disk, and leaves
>I observe as a ghost as the two remaining syndicates drag our bro who's on crit to the shuttle, put him in a sleeper, then wire up the nuke, and blow it just as the escape shuttle leaves
>Major Syndicate Victory
Should have seen it coming, but I giggled just the same.
Patrick Bateman, reporting for duty.
Clown is essential on a space journey.

Ever seen Red Dwarf?
It's sci-fi show as chock full of movie references as tg station
'The Cat' is the Clown on Red Dwarf
I've been playing AI a lot recently. I'm Wintermute, Neuromancer or The Prime Radiance. Been getting a lot of positive feed back within rounds and OOC. Thanks dudes!
>nuke agents plant power sink
>going through the station together trying to locate the disk
>kill dozens of crew members but take heavy damage
>One nuke op has 99 brute damage so he is 1 point away from going into crit
>other nuke op gets the disk and throws it at hurt nuke op
>nuke op goes into crit and explodes destroying the nuke disk and knocking the other nuke op into crit also
>nuke ops lose round.

Why the fuck didn't you remove the headset?

That's like, the first thing you ever do when trying to murder someone.
How's the new AI freelook been working? I've been meaning to play AI, but haven't.
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I was going through some of the station statistics, and I figured out you could probably enhance your chances of surviving, be you dirty tator or just normal station crew by analysing the data, and avoiding hotspots.

First up, this is 1 day of deaths. One Day. The color dots represent the state of the victim when they died. The main place people die is in escape. Avoid escape. Go find a pod, or just don't bother unless you need to escape for an objective. Escaping is overated.

Because fuck you that's why.
that works

but you gotta sanic and fire extinguish immediately
Fuck year, William Gibson!
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Here's all station deaths in a year. This data is largely meaningless, but basically it does give a good representation of how NO WHERE BUT SPACE is safe.

Also looking at other data I won't post but basically.

HEADS: Leave you're office, leave your department. The majority of Head deaths happen in you office. The Captain also dies a lot on the bridge, the CMO a lot in genetics and the HoS in the brig. So basically get the fuck out of your office, you'll live longer

Cultist: Cultists die a lot in maint tunnels. I don't really see a way around this... Do things in the wide open?

Traitors: Traitors are hard to map, because they seem to die in similar patterns to average people, but basically follow the rules Avoid Escape, and Avoid Space. Traitors seem to die more of suffocation than any other death

Syndicate: Again hard to map. Syndicates are mostly dying on the bridge, but then obviously this is most likely where the captain and disk is hidden...

Alien: Aliens rarely if ever die. In an entire year, only three alien queens have died. Basically go drone, get queen, you're not gonna die.

Hope this helps
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>He thinks Space is safe

The fucking Zombie station or Abandoned Russian Station Filled With Fucking Aliens are the safest places.

The Space Diner attracts FAR too much attention.
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Just for fun this is the data on Alien Queen deaths in a year.

Just to remind you Alien Queens are unstunable, regen on weeds, and can ranged tackle anyone in their view for only 20 plasma. I have no idea why people would try and tackle one without atleast hulk AND a ripley
How robust are hatchets? Are they more robust than mining picks? Knives?
The fuck? I always played as Bateman.
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>be Chaplain
>start my usual routine of getting a knife from the chef to turn it into a sacrificial dagger
>ask the HoP to give me access to maintenance tunnels for convenience
>he gives me an all access ID
>decide to only slightly abuse this by getting insulated gloves and a couple of other supplies before going on with my standard Chaplain duties, rather than griefing people
>ask Security over the security comms if they would like to come to my chapel to make a blood donation to the Omnissiah
>an officer volunteers, and then after I tell him that I will simply cut his wrist with my sacrificial dagger, he freaks out, stuns me, strips me, and takes some of the shit I had on me
>oh no you didn't
>run over to the AI with the intention of revenge, but mellow out and decide to upload a law that tells it to show unconditional love to the crew members, especially myself, before I set off on recovering my lost equipment
>get an implant that allows me to speak Robot and the AI tells me that it would prefer a law that is the opposite of what I gave it
>decide to give it a law that allows it and the cyborgs to go out of their way to kill anyone that the AI considers a dick
>this causes a huge revolt in which the Roboticist and I work together with the AI and the cyborg army to take over the station
>have a major battle with security and the Captain in my chapel, the Captain gets beaten to death by cyborgs and I torture the officer that started all of this before a cyborg spaces him
>someone manages to call the shuttle before we can stop him in time
>end the round with a bunch of people not considered dicks by the AI on the escape shuttle, the Roboticist gets shoved out a window and into space by a vengeful "dick"
>manly tears
>stay behind on the station with the AI forever and ever

And I never got banned.
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>Be Medical Doctor
>Grab equipment, medpacks for toxin, burns and regular
>Gas mask
>Oxygen Canister
>Syringe Gun
>All the sleep and regular toxin I can stuff into anything
>Lurk in the Medical Bay, healing people who wander into the lobby
>What you think I'm going on out there? Fuck no. Last time I went out there I had to beat a greysuit to death with the crowbar.
>Alien in the medbay
>What. Shit.
>Wildly swing crowbar at it before running
>Alien outside the medbay
>Medical Doctor used Crowbar... it's not very effective
>Okay, running now
>3rd Alien
>Manage to not get grabbed, dash for the escape shuttle
>Guess what?
>Oh come on you have to be fucking with me now
>4th Alien. In front of the Shuttle
>Well there's two doors for a reason...
>... goddamnit
>Begin sprinting for the Escape Pods
>Lights are out at this point, flip on penlight
>.... hissss....
>See panicked assistant get grabbed behind me
>Well shit, might as well call this place the Nostromo
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Speaking as an admin (though biased since I may or may not be rosen) it's pretty fucking rare anyone listens to special event instructions, and instead just goes off to murder everyone.

Well done.

Image is me facing off the AI's Bball champion at penalty shots, as the representative of Centcourt, stepping on the court upload.
I dunno, magical girl nuke squad wizard round went well...
If the station hadn't been eaten by meteors, I would have done more sabotage along the lines of cutting wires and tearing out windows. But since I knew they would call the shuttle any minute now, and the PDA messaging servers were out, I just stuck to bombing shit and scaring people.

It was still a blast, thanks man.
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Can you admins run more events?

Even something small that gets one or two people back in the round makes it more memorable.

Also, respond to prayers more often. I only seem to get responses after I do something big like sacrifice Runtime to Ian, or space the clown's stuff as a mime.
>first time as traitor
>oh god what do
>have to kill an engineer
>oh boy oh boy
>but shit I'm not robust
>figure out uplink, acquire sleepy pen
>let it begin
>run past engineering a few times, no one sees assistants, practical invisibility
>target acquired
>stalk more
>maybe I shSTAAALK
>Finally work up balls to attack
>in maint, like lightning
>bastard is down, only gets two letters out
>no biggie, yea?
>if only
>broken english flies out of his headset
>freaks me out a little
>focus, job to do
>CE from hell enters maint, howling bloody murder
>I'm stunned/cuffed/beaten senseless before I can even utter an excuse
>drags both me and unconscious mark to his office
>more broken english, gist seems to be 'explain'
>stutter, stall, thinking of good excuse
>target wakes up
>oh shit
>me and singulo shake hands soon after
I've never played SS13, but I'd like to. Any tips for a new player?
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Prayers don't get any alert sound if you're not watching the window, and a lot of the time we're dealing with griffons/events/thisguyskilledmeisitvalid/FUCKERBETTERBEATRAITORISHEATRAITOR

If you want your prayer answers; make it interesting but not wall of text; try rituals, light candles, make sacrifices (This is important; GIBE STUFF prayers are just plain annoying.) And if you don't get a response, wait a while before trying again.

Also wait at least 20 or so seconds, 25 preferably after praying, it takes a hella while for our object spawner to kick in because of how many things it has to load. nothing more annoying than a guy running off just as you're about to give him his plague mask/kitty ears/corgiisation

I'd really much prefer a guy actually worked at asking for something, rather than the half-dozen increasingly indignant GOD MAKE ME TRAITOR YOU ASSHOLE I DSERVE IT I HAVEN'T HAD IT FIVE ROUNDS
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Try not to be a prick, stay to low priority jobs so you don't have fifty guys screaming about you not doing your job absolutely perfect right now, and adminhelp if you don't know how to do certain things, as long as it's reasonable.

We won't teach you how to make bombs (Yet), but we will teach you how to murder faces off and how to start the engine; there's also a loooot of reference material in the library or around station. Read books.

Lastly, everything given half a chance will kill you, inanimate or not. This game will be unfair.
You'll have a tough time if you can't accept that.

Other than that, buckle up and never trust anyone with a grey suit.

As long as you're a decent person, speak in intelligible sentences and don't murder people for stealing your shoes, you'll do fine.
But wait there's more!

>next round be engineer
>still a bit mad about prior round
>cue meta dickery
>whine, bitch, moan, generally impede good engine crew
>CE comes slamming out of his office
>it is the very same
>starts shouting, barely understand him
>takes me away from engine bustle
>keeps up a good dialogue, but damn it's hard to understand at times
>thinks I'm new to engineering (kinda am,all I knew at the time was wall maintenance really)
>shows me the ropes, learn quite a bit
>never even seen solars before, dude teaches me how to wire like an ace
>suddenly, aliens
>roaring over engiecoms to get back to the pod
>constantly checking on people, telling them to stay alert
>fire axes two aliens on the way there, I'm just good at running away
>comms start going silent
>make it back to engine, only one other engineer still alive
>just as we rush for the pod, two aliens attack
>I'm stunned almost immediately, shout for them to run
>initiate broest CE ever
>son of a bitch wades through both aliens, grabs me and tosses me into the pod, and turns back as another jumps in
>pod launches like one second later
>he sacrificed himself to save me?the fuck?
>right before we reach centcom, the engiecomms come to life
>"Ye lot best not be wastin me selfess action now, ye hear?"

Can't even remember his name. Or what he looked like. Never saw him without the CE hardsuit on. All I know is that he talked funny and wielded stungloves/cablecuffs like he was born with them equipped. Ran a damn fine engine.

Now I kinda want to go on /tg/station again...
Now, I tend to send prayers when bad shit happens, and when I'm doing shit as Chaplain.

I just find it upsetting when I take a set of crayons, write all over the chapel, get an altar covered in drugged wine and several followers, and get no response when I pray to DANK.

By the way, Chaplain totally needs a shotgun.
>play SS13 for the first time
>spawn in
>some message about a weird sensation in my head
>janitor next to me insta-gibs
>oh shit, I'm a scanner
>walk around confused
>get spaced by a clown
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Nah brah, they need knuckle dusters.
Null dusters. Knuckle dusters that act as a null rod.
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Nein. They require COMBAT CROSS.
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Pfft. Get on my level.
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Is this thread now about making the chaplain more badass?
Screw it, I'm finally going to attempt to play this game. Here's hoping I don't die in the first 30 seconds.
What movie is that from?
All of my SS13 stories consist of me trying to play for 20 minutes, then getting pissed off at how fucking laggy everything is, and then quitting.

Seriously, it looks amazing, but that lag...man. I don't know how you people do it.
Careful, once you're used to it, you may experience unsafe levels of FUN
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>that last round on /tg/station 1

I was chaplain.


Also I stabbed my eyes out with a fork and got no credit for it.

Fuck you, admins, I never wanted to be Jon Riker. I just wanted to hug Ian ;_;.
Well, thank you for all that...
>you will never get Anderson's Cassock and bayonets
Seamus Gaunt is probably who you're thinking of.
I used to play a fuck ton. I eventually got tired of constant murderbonering and people who couldn't do their fucking jobs.
how is the lag now? I used to play a lot back when the station was new, before it had the library even. The lag got pretty bad though, at some points almost unplayable, I'd love to pick it up again if it's better.
That name sounds fun. I wish I could think of a good one. But I'm addicted to random...
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>Playing /vg/ server
>Be a Detective
>RP every single time where I hate every single clowns I meet
>Have a gun
>Meet Clown
>Unload 2 entire barrels on him
>Some Assistant knock me, disarm, while a security guy handcuff me
>Clown brings me in the church, hitting me while handcuffed with the help of a couple of assistants and chaplin is reciting a prayers to my last moments.
>Get stuff in a coffin
>On my way to the airlocks against my will
>Chief Security gets there
>''What the hell is going on''
>''THe Detective Shot me Honk''
>''What have you to say for your defense.''
>''I Hate clowns. They are always up to no good. It was a pre-emptive strike''
>''Where is your gun?''
>Say nothing
>Clown says I must have it, but the assistant run away with it
>He ask the clown to empty his bag
>No guns
>Ok, good. Detective, come with me
>Brings me in the security area
>''Why did you attacked him''
>''I escaped from 3 stations in the last 10 years. all threes gone due to a clown Mischief''
>''hmm...Ok. I'll get your ID back, I want you to keep an eye on this clown if you think there might be a problem in the future''
>He allows me to get a gun in the armory
>Get out of Security Room
>Clown is running around with some guy lying on the floor
>hear people screaming to stop him
>Punch him in the dick
>''What's going on?''
>''He tried to steal something from the medical wing and assaulted an assistant''
>Execute him.
>Die 10 minutes later because, for some reason, the bar exploded after I got in.

It was the will of Bongo Hitler, Space Clown Fuher.
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>write a whole bunch of food code
>a year later is isn't in the game
>rewrite a whole bunch of food code
>it might actually make it this time

Sure the sprites aren't that great but the chef will have a lot more to make. I still need to add more though, there is so many possibilities. (Especially now that I made raw_egg a reagent, so you will eventually be able to make meringue and mayonnaise.)

Are you suggesting that the good people of SS13 need anything other than gib burgers and monkey burgers?

Cause thats gonna get you flashed, bro.
How did we ever survive without fried butter and chocolate ice cream?
what can I say? I fucking hate clowns
Also, another time
>Be Engineer
>First Time Engineer
>make the Ship System Operational
>Chief Engineer go somewhere for 5 minutes, I just say there
>He Comes back with a bloodstained axe
>''Ok, new guy. Grab a weapon and stick with me if you want to live
>Grab a Crowbar
>Run in the dark maintenance alleys
>Lose the boss in way
>Get out of the conducts
>Blood Every fucking where, bodies, destroyed wall
>Don't know what the fuck is going on here
>start running around a little bit
>Meet the boss
>''oh good, glad to see you again. I thought I lost you''
>''yea, but there is still some serious shit going on''
>Go past everything
>Get to the Airlocks
>There's a nuke.
>A fucking nuke.
>try to make it deployable so I can be a hero and go in outer space with the nuke and save the station
>Somehow, it's not working
>''Well, Chief. I guess it's where it ends.''
>nuke blows up.
>Game Time: 20 minutes
What the jesus is that from.
Anyway, going to contribute:
>tg station
>playing as botanist cause why not
>suddenly a guy barges in, claiming to be botanist buddy
>guy is absolute shit. always getting in my way, and letting plants die.
>make some chilly peppers, then get a full beaker of cryozone
>splash him with it, and he is an icecube. I know I have no time to do anything.
>drag him quickly to the disposal area. suddenly see two security personnal there
>they walk off. I stop shitting my tanks, and try to push the guy into disposals. he's resisting somehow.
>eventually get him in there and close the door, but, as a block of ice, he doesn't get taken to the very end. all my sads.
>wipe my hands of this situation, and go down the hall. the doors are locked, and the lights are out.
>suddenly assistant from nowhere busts out of the nearby door and clubs me to death with an extinguisher. should've got two vials. fukken traitors.
>become ghost; guy is complaining in broken english about how I RDM'd him. start shitting pants; admin actually listening.
>speak up just as admin says "There is no guy named Anon Annofga". I am Anon Anonfag.
>somehow, aided by shit spelling on part of opposition, manage to not get b&. next round decide to not push my luck.
>this is one of two stories where I killed people and got away with it.
Derp, not /tg/ station. Goonstation.
it's from the movie ''Cabin in the Woods''
Man, Mining is THE SHIT. Ask the QM for a Ripley right off the bat, get a Ripley, get Hardsuits for free, nobody ever fucks with you, nobody ever comes to murder you, waltz on over to pods when the shuttle is called in your fucking Giant Robot.

I fucking love Mining.
>Liberty's Last Army
>No Freedom of Speech
>Corrupt Oligarchical Badmins Who Take Up Antag Slots Constantly
>Cant Defend Yourself By Attacking First If An Attacker Has A Stun Weapon

I fucking want those badmins to choke on how unironically unlibertarian their server is.
Anyone heard the song Space Olympics by Lonely Island? If not go look it up and tell me its not eerily similar to SS13
Well shit, now I wan to try and host a sporting even on SS13. Would probably just boil down to a battle royal style battle to the death with people robusting the shit out of each other.
I actually get a real kick out of helping newbies learn the game. If you ever see a Robert Riker, just ask him for help with what you're doing.
(spoiler)hopefully we can avoid the murder(spoiler)

You still playing?
Goddamn how DO these spoilers work?
Mining was probably my favorite job of all, for all the reasons you covered. Especially when we get to endgame and the miners still have their shit together and have enough Vespene Gas to sink a Battlestar. And plenty of time to RP with minerbros, with no one bothering you.

>Get assaulted on way to escape
>Respond with mining pick
>Throw diamond and gold at attacker for giggles
>Greysuits go nuts, looting spree
>Pure chaos
[ spoiler]
>fellow botanists running around with bloodied hatchets
>meh, okay, as long as you don't chop me
>fellow botanists fucking up
i know that feel.

will there be Color pie?
Space Bump
Plebeian hatchet scum they are, grow some nettles, deathnettles if you can, grow them good

Deathnettles fuck shit up hard, given that you can make instacrit deathnettles in like 10 minutes while still pumping out all the ingredients ever a botanist should never be at the disadvantage
Truth. You can get access from the HoP to cover for dumbshit Engineers, you get a free hardsuit, people pay as little attention to you as an assistant unless you call for help.

R&D never gets ANYTHING done so you're free to run around in space or colonize the russian station.
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Alright, boys, sit down a bit. Let me tell about how I lived through a station hell bent to destroy me.

It all begins with pre-round admin fuckery, with XSI removing bombcap and sec officer cap...Basically, pressing all the shiny buttons!

Then, I Bartholomew Williams, Research Director, decide with my fellow scientist Rigel and Itsac to make up bombs of the highest caliber...You know, the cuban pete "Blow up half the station" caliber, those who makes everyone tremble. While Rigel goes to Medbay to get a supercooled oxygen tank and I went grabbing research materials on telecomms (along with a space suit, like I always do), Itsac ends messing up the mix and changing it...No matter, we still have one proper canister to use for the chamber. We burn the mix inside the chamber, beautifull, beautifull fire lighting up the walls...

..And then a meteor hit toxins at full force, making a hole inside the chamber into the cannster storage, destroying half the canisters and emptying our burn mix onto the rest. The chamber sabotaged, and with half our canisters gone, making bombs was no longer a option. I resolved myself to deconstructing the materials brought from telecomms...

And then :

>Anomaly Alert

>Gravitational anomalies detected on the station. There is no additional data.

Even in my earlier shifts, I never saw so many wormholes.

People teleporting left and right, into and out of RnD, poor sods ending up sometimes in space...Myself, in trying to get to Medbay, ended up walking into arrivals through the toxins test area, only to meet a Rigel that was as lost as I am.

In the meanwhile, Dave Oneal, our captain, had discovered that the AI had a quarantine law that stopped all of our attempts to call the shuttle dead on it's tracks.

It was just the beginning of it all.
Oh, yay! Was wondering when someone was gonna do a write-up on that round.
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After a bit of backtracking, I discovered that the arrivals arm had disappeared under the meteor rain, the only things left being a few floor tiles...Along with the now exposed to space shuttle and pods. When a meteor flew past me (read : it went about 3 squares past me) and made the assistant storage room disappear, I figured it was my clue to leave.

Coming back to RnD, I discover through a hole in my office that arrivals wasn't the only thing gone : the whole bottom half of medbay had disappeared. Everything up to the cryo room was GONE. I take a look at misc research : it's as desolated.

My office was just a lone island waiting for the storm to hit it. And ho boy I was going to wait there to see it happen.

After scournging up two more oxy tanks and filling them up to the maximum with the only oxy tank left in toxins, I decide to leave this condemned place...Only to run into another space-time anomaly. That's just brilliant.

I thus teleported onto the brig, in the northern part of the station...

...Actually, let me rephrase that.

I teleported in the middle of a barely recognisable wreckage of a brig, on which the meteors were still pouring. One flies past my face to gib the corpse of a secuirty officer who didn't have the chance to get a spacesuit.

That's it, I'm getting off this goddamn station.
>the cuban pete "Blow up half the station" caliber

Oh, I miss Cuban Pete. Is he still around or banned 4evar?
Pete's actually been unbanned from /tg/ for ages now. He just doesn't want to come back, for the same reason George Melons doesn't come back to goon: He's too much of a legend.

The only people who are 100% never-coming-back banned are Terbs (for being shit) and Vaku (For blackmailing some underage kid with nudes or some shit i dunno). Everyone else has at least one chance a year to get unbanned.
Anybody from /tg/ play on the Goon servers?
>Pete's actually been unbanned from /tg/ for ages now. He just doesn't want to come back, for the same reason George Melons doesn't come back to goon: He's too much of a legend.

Makes sense. I've never heard the legend of George Melons though, just the vague references to him in the game and wiki. What did he do?
Now i wonder HOW one can make a bomb capable of blowing up half of the station.
Killed everyone with everything. At the time, Goon mods were basically Commies when it came to administration, doing whatever they felt like, ranging from banning actual griffons to making themselves traitors so they could murderboner everyone, to just outright banning people because "lolsowhackyXD".

So this guy comes along, named George Melons. And he griffs. And he griffs. And he griffs. A lot. I mean a lot. As in, the moment you saw "George Melons has arrived on the station as x y z", you knew whatever you planned to do that day wasn't going to happen.

Long story short, admins never banned him, and they drank up the adminhelps like fine wine. By the time he said "lol bye scrubs" and never returned, he bragged that he had killed people with every item and every possible method. Given that the mods gave him total immunity to being banned and he knew it, and they'd often resurrect him if someone managed to off him, his claim may very well have some truth to it.

When you're retarded, you sometimes say "[some mispelling of George Melons, like gwrgre mrjlions] griffin me halp". I'm pretty sure that's the last trace of him on /tg/station.
>First time tater
>MD, have to steal a full tank of plasma
>Well, shit, time to start emagging my way around to tox-
>oh jesus fuck there's a blob in xenobio
>maybe I can go around

The shuttle was called, and I didn't know that plasma tanks started partially empty. Otherwise, I felt somewhat accomplished for completing (most of) my objective with 3 crystals.

Thanks for the story!

For the record I think Cuban Pete is more impressive. He earned his reputation, Melons only got his because the Goon admins are shit and always have been.
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I once made a grenade so powerful - It combined Napalm, Foam, Polytrinic Acid, Thermite and Smoke - that when I threw it, it would melt a quarter of the station. I am the reason why reagents can only react with each other one at a time.

This grenade could end worlds. Actually using it rapidly became a bannable offense. The only problem was that it was actually useless as a grenade, because unless you threw it and KEPT RUNNING, you would slip on the foam, be melted, and catch fire.
used so much "And then" in my first post it is painfull.Also 4 chan is derping hard for me, so sorry for the delay. Back to the story.

I break down and grab the hand teleporter in my pocket. To be quite honest, I don't know why I didn't use it earlier, but the whole brig mess reminded my sorry ass it needed to get the hell out. I open up a portal and quickly teleport to Telecomms, which I find fairly untouched. A little safe haven from the chaos that has become the station. Sadly, I also get reminded that the gravity systems were now off, as I now have to jump from walls to walls to go around. It wasn't going to be the most pleasant thing to go back to the station, with this in mind...

Captain decides to teleport in too, and guess what - he took profit of the chaos to card the AI and call the shuttle! Amazing work! Now the problem would be to actuallky make it to the shuttle in one piece...

Captain decides to go braindead a bit and gives me the AI, which was called Chomsky. Now, this AI had the quarantine law, as you all know already. Despite that, it proved to be one of the keys to my escape, as it located, two rooms above us, a body.

A little inspection afterward and I drag in the CE corpse, who forgot to turn his internals off... What I discovered however is that he still had his magboots on. Which I hereby stole without any guilt : he was already dead, and there was probably no chance of cloning him now.Anyhow, no more gravity problems for me now, with those boots on. I could actually make it out...
Well /tg/ I think I am gonna give this a try again.

I attempted to play on /tg/ station a few times. Mostly bad lag kept me from doing anything.

Going over the nood wiki at the moment.
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Someone else teleports in : pic of the first post very related, Ramona Fox peaks in a space suit to say hi. Apparently the teleporter room has been struck and was now open to the public. We're now three people aboard telecomms, while I call for the survivors to get on telecomms as soon as possible.

AI tells me there are three survivors in the library : I decide to take the CE's suit and try to rescue them. As I browe through the beacons, I only see the teleporter and the telecomms teleporter beacons available...I shiver.

Teleporting in...

...There's not much left of the station. All what was left of the central area was the core and the teleporter room, which were in shambles. All the northern part of the station had disappeared, and I didn't bother taking a look at the southern.

I walk up to the library...To discover Rigel unconscious on the floor, along with a atmos tech named Kiera Howe. I give him the hardsuit and set off to find a emergency 02 closet for him...Sadly, I find no medkits, and by the time the shuttle landed...The poor Rigel was gone.

I wasn't going to let his body here to get gibbed by a meteor, however. No way in hell. I dragged his poor body off to the shuttle, hoping to clone him at centcomm. There, I meet up with Ramona and the Captain.

Now, you'd think we'd be off this ruin, right?

The AI decides to notice us that there is 45 minutes until the shuttle can launch.
Ho great scott, what now.

>Central Command Update

>Attention West Bomb Foxtrot, your shuttle has engine troubles. Please hold while the mechanics attempt to reach your station and shuttle.

...GREAT, GUESS WE'RE NOT OFF THIS WRECK RIGHT. And meteors are raining even harder now, how delightfull.
>F5 all day every day
doesn't show how many have died at the mining station though
does the lag still get unbearable?
bomb and lighting code was improved.
to a certain extent.
like flashlights dont work atm.
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So far for the great escape plan, we have to go back to arrivals, pick up at least one of the mechanics, and make it back to the shuttle. All of this while the gravity fields failed, meteors are taking what's left of the station apart and to top it all, I think space-time anomalies re-appeared. Chance of making it alive? About...

>Anomaly Alert

>Space-time anomalies detected on the station. There is no additional data.

>Gravitational anomalies detected on the station. There is no additional data.

>Meteors have been detected on collision course with the station.


Ramona went in first, followed by the captain, while I follow last. We would later find her just dead corpse near the little island that's left of EVA, with a single toolbox on a table. Poor lady ran out of internals, and there was nothing more we could do for her.

We proceed on to arrivals, only to see one of the mechanics flying off to space. Having no jetpacks to catch him, he was definitly lost. We look around arrivals : no trace of other mechanics.

And then it was the captain's turn to run out of internals.

Captain gasps!
Dave Oneal [145.9] says, "AND NOW I DIE"
Dave Oneal [145.9] says, "GODO LUCK BART"

I am now the only one I know alive on the station, stuck in the middle of debris, meteors flying past me, one even hitting me and leaving me at half-fealth, which I shrugged off with a stolen bruise pack. There is no chance of me porbably finding a mechanic before dying, and...

...And look what picks out of a patch of darkness. A dead mechanic. Goodamn it the gods are taunting me!
>that feel when most of the time you never have time to do your job before the emergency shuttle is called
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>Central Command Update
>And if any of the crew is still alive. Bring one of the mechanic's helmets to the shuttle, and a toolbox. It has all the info you need to fix it.

Wait. Wait wait wait. I remember a toolbox in what was left of this station...So if I get the helm, I can go?! It was my chance. My only chance to make it out. And fuck, I was going to retrieve that helmet.

I jump to the dead mechanic corpse...Only yo make it to the other side of arrivals. I try again : I can't get a grab on him. There is no patch of tiles anywhere near the mechanic, and with all those meteors flying, he's bound to be gibbed anytime soon. There is no materials around, I have nothing to reach him with...

Looks like my luck was running out.

And then I remembered my hand teleporter.

If you know the machanics of this little device, you know also that the portal it create count as a patch of land, of which you can walk one square away. And you can have 4 portals up at the same time.

The technician was 4 squares away from me.

What resulted was a amusing and very original display : a bridge made out of portals, with me being at the other end, GRABBING THAT FUKKEN HELM

Chomsky states, "Well Mr. Williams, that seems to be an incredible violations of physics, to say nothing of reality."
Bartholomew Williams says, " NO SHIT"
Well it goddamned was. And quite irritating to me.
Ah well. I won't ruin your big finale at the end but I'm still quite cross with you for doing it.
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I jump to what's left of the AI core, aka one tiny patch of R-walls, and jump back to escape! Come on, almost there! As I hear all the ghosts talking while chasing me, I hear another announcement...Two, rather.

>Meteors have been detected on collision course with the station.
>Meteors have been detected on collision course with the station.


Yes! YES! I GOT ON THE SHUTTLE! Now to fix this - what's this purple thing over there? Ho god, SPESS CARP! I try to hit him with my toolbox, but he knocks me down first! Fuuuuu- I get up finally, get a hit on him! ..before he gets me into crits! I'm DOWN!
This can't be ending like this?!

I hear the ghosts whispering into my ears, as they group on me, as I pray to the gods to give me one last chance to fight, one last chance to fight and bring Rigel home...

"Don't give up."

The wheels of fate decided to turn in my favor.
Which was also bullshit.
Useless ass spacecarp.
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I get up, nab the toolbox, grab that space carp by the tail and give him the greatest ass-whooping I can, under the watch of an AI that was enraged by my survival.

Chomsky declares, "No! Spacecarp! End him!"

I kick the goddamn carp out of the shuttle on my last toolbox hit, and move down to business : fixing that goddamn engine.

>Shuttle engine repair completed. The shuttle will leave after the usual 3 minutes.

Thank you for flying with Nanotrasen Shuttles, where we only take the best. Our shuttles are of the finest quality.

More meteors hits the shuttle...But I'm safe now. As the AI is now pestering at my sruvival, I relax, listening to the ghostly whispers.

>The Emergency Shuttle has left the station. Estimate 2 minutes until the shuttle docks at Central Command.

Bartholomew Williams says, "Rigel....Kiera...I'm bringing you home."
Bartholomew Williams says, "See you in the cloning chamber."
Bartholomew Williams salutes.
Chomsky queries, "That's just sick. You know you're carrying a deadly virus right?"
Chomsky states, "The responsible thing to do would be to space the bodies and yourself."
Chomsky states, "Think of your family..."
Bartholomew Williams asks, "Ai?"
Chomsky asks , "Yes, Mr.Williams?"
Bartholomew Williams states "Shut up."

I then proceed to throw her out the exposed back end of the shuttle, as we landed on Centcomm.
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The following survived the meteor storm:
Bartholomew Williams escaped on the emergency shuttle
Nepeta Leijon survived but is stranded without any hope of rescue.
Sly survived but is stranded without any hope of rescue.
Xin Fang survived but is stranded without any hope of rescue.
Chomsky escaped on the emergency shuttle

And on the next shift :

Johnathan Rigel says, "Hey RD"
Bartholomew Williams says, "Sup Rigel."
Bartholomew Williams asks, "Fell good?"
Johnathan Rigel says, "For some reason I feel like I should thank you for something"
Johnathan Rigel says, "No idea though"
Bartholomew Williams says, "yeah."
Bartholomew Williams shuckles
Johnathan Rigel says, "Anyway, Lets have a good shift"
Johnathan Rigel exclaims, "SCIENCE!"
Bartholomew Williams exclaims, "Let's get going!"
Bartholomew Williams [Science] exclaims, "FOR SCIENCE!"

Also, I am quite the terrible RPer indeed.
>Invasion of spess carps
>Pray: I wish the spess carps will stop attacking us
>Wish granted

And that'll be all folks. See ya all next shift.
Also I just discovered you could expand the message window, goddamit.
twas a good yarn you spun.
I now have to play this game...
Is anyone else excited for the remake?
i'll be excited once they release a playable version
>making bombs was no longer a option
I was an atmos tech and one of the people that kept teleporting into toxins. I actually managed to produce first a 10/?/? bomb and then a 12/?/? bomb. Nobody noticed because I detonated the first one in space and the second one shortly before I died in the middle of the ruins of engineering.
>Playing botanist for the first time
>Two other botanists already there, one of them clearly done this shit before
>We look at each other for a moment

Shit was tight
>Be chef for the first time
>Bumbling about, one eye on the wiki, no idea what's going on
>Assistant wanders over, clearly done this before, shows me the ropes.
>>20526605 Might even have been Robert Riker now I think about it
>Gets a waiter's uniform, kicthen access from the HoP, we become star team.
>Halfway through the round, HoS shows up, dragging a locker. Unwelds it, and the unconcious body of the clown falls out.
>"Gentlemen.....you know what to do"
>".....yes sir!"

And many delicious burgers were had.
>Be assistant.
>Goes into bar, plenty of people just sitting around.
>"I'll have a slumber party!"
>Puts up beds and stuff in the bar for people to sleep in.
>Beds actually gets filled.
>Plays truth or dare.
>Captains turn, he picks dare.
>Full access.
>Be botanist
>Pray to Mother Nature, ask what she wants
>Bananas apparently, lots of them, in a confessional booth...
>"Uh...I live to serve"
>Cram them in, shut the door. When it reopens there's a hand teleporter there, with my name on it, literally
>Spend the rest of the round sightseeing

Also, am I the only one that struggles to stop typing "say" before fucking everything the minute they stop playing?
Nope. Most SS13 players have that issue after a while.

>Also inb4 Bart posts his latest win as Captain Changeling.
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Chronicled for future generations.
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Much love.


That round is probably one of my most chaotic round start. Ever. I wasn't going to make a story of it, but if you insist.

Now, generally I play mostly scientific roles, as I like the research and the bullshit you can pull off with a beacon and a few bags of holding (this one will need a story time as well, along with a recent rev round i got) or a durand. But it happens sometimes that I get captain or station engineer, due to job choice, so I just roll with it.
The irony is that half the traitor roles I get are on those roles.

So, here I am, Captain Changeling. I ask on changeling chat if anyone's there...Apparently no. I hear stuff about the mime being arrested for trying to break in the teleporter : he gets arrested before I can get to him. Ho goddamit, he's my target as well. Anyhow, i go back to the bridge, only to discover that a assistant broke in and is now going around with my spare ID. I signal it, but i don't really give a damn. This would come back to bite me later in the ass, but we'll see when we come down to this.

So, again, the mime tries to break in the teleporter as I go there. I keep him stunned, keep calling for the HoS...Who sin't come in. Instead the RD Nathaniel comes in with a stun baton, which works too. i find this obsession...Weird, so I do a full check on the mime.

Bingo. He has a uplink in his PDA. I keep it while we try to evacuate the mime...And fail, as the RD stun baton ran out of juice. However, the mime is now running around with no ID as the captain and the RD both delcared him a traitor, so he wasn't going to live long enough to see the end of this shift.

So on, I hear cries ot an attack on the brig. I decide t move thre through maint, in order to surprise the attacker...

I do that in facebook chat all the time.
Well, my second game ever went well...
I was a miner and ended up spending ten minutes figuring out how to put stuff on and didn't know anything about what I was supposed to do.
To make a long story short I ended up jumping out of an airlock and dying.
At least I know how to handle stuff now.
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...Except than I'm the one who end up getting assaulted in the darkness of maintenance. Matthew Hoff, the atmos tech, that had gotten all access - Yes, this is what I was talking about earlier - stuns me, gets up to me and promptly murders me with an energy sword. And then snatch the emag and esword I spawned from the mime's uplink along with my backpack containing the RCD I had stolen off EVA. (and which is, again, one of my objectives).

Now, if I was a normal traitor, this would have been a problem. But n'aaaah, I'm a changeling, I can shrug this shit off. I regenerate in the maintenance, and Since I still have my ID on, I get out to enter the brig. All weapons, gone, and no sec officer. I check the HoS locker, nothing there as well, escept for that stun bat- Ho god who was that going through?
Matthew Hoff came back, saw me, assumed I survived and tasered me. And he took out his e-sword, for a second time, on the same person....

Murder, the second coming.

Of course, he still has no clue, so he puts me back in the HoS's locker and closes it. I end up having to REGENERATING AGAIN. And ressiting from the locker would take me two extra minutes. More time wasted, now that was bloody wonderfull. Man, do I hate my luck some-
What is Rigel doing here?

Apparently the sod got himself an all-access card (Job Name? Assistant : Platinum Edition), and had now entered the HoS office...And he takes a pick into the locker...Only to find my dead corpse, with my armor still on along with my PDA, which had my ID in it. I suppose he thought it was his lucky day. Ho boy was he wrong.
>get banned from /tg/ stations because co-worker plays, too - and he is a dick.

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See, a captain changeling that got killed once would get pissed enough that he wants his killer dead. But now, a captain changeling that got killed twice and is now getting robbed by a random assistant? Whatever was going to get on its way, it was gonna get hurt.

I promptly get up and grab the stun baton while he panicks and run away behind the HoS desk, only for me to catch up to him, stun him, and simply murer him on the spot with a baton while he cries for help...Only to get ignored. See, the Ai is caring way too much about getting all the animals into his upload due to some kind of Ion law, which arranged me greattly. Clown goes by, so I murder him too for good measure.

Of course, it's at this moment that Hoff decides to come back to recharge hs weapons...Only to see the carnage I provoked. And he didn't feel risking stepping into a office with a VERY anrgy changeling armed with a stun baton next to the door. He just...Decides to walk away quietly, leaving me to my corpse absorbing endeavours. I stash all the husks in the bin which I deactivated, and watch as Hoff brings me more corpses. He wants to strike a deal : bringing me corpses for me not going onto the shuttle. Okay, you got your deal, now get out of my face so I can betray you later.

An engineer comes in front of the brig, dragging a handcuffed roboticist. I stun them both, nab the engineer, murder him away from any sight. I absorb him, hop done - Ho, the roboticist got out of his bonds wants a gun to fight Hoff? Oka, here we go, I throw you a laser gun, there, grab it, I know you want it - stun, laser to the head, grab, absorb quietly in the HoS office, done.
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Fuck, you're outta luck mate. Try to take it up there : http://nanotrasen.com/phpBB3/viewforum.php?f=5 Make your voice heard.


So, I now have enough for a ranged deathsting, which is enough. Shuttle gets called, Hoff comes in, sees I got the roboticist down and congratulates me. I tell him I need a RCD, he tells me he'll get me one....I discover a few minutes after that my backpack had been recovered by the clown and left on the brig floor. With the RCD still in it. Awesome.

I see there sin't much time left until the shuttle arrives, so Hoff won't probably come back. The betrayal begins. I run to an escape arm that have beenn apparently destroyed by a ardent fire, probably created by Hoff himself. I hide in the locker...
...Why does he take so much time to come?

I get out of my locker just as he gets out of maintenance. Ensue a taser fight, in which he gets the better of me. Now, I would be normally screwed. But I had a readied deathsting for him...And he just stepped into the two squared range of the ranged sting. As he starts lasering me, I sting him, and he goes down on the floor shaking. I get up, and finish him with his own e-sword he used on me earlier. Payback's a bitch.

The shuttle then leaves with me, Captain Changeling, and a medic who decided not to take a pod and dragged a body in. You can guess the poor lady didn't make it to centcomm.

I was the only successfull antag. Feels good, after such a chaotic start.

The round afterward, I died to space as a RD cultist int the first five minutes because Rigel stole my hand teleporter, while Hoff did all the cult work, sacrificed the HoS and summoned Nar-sie.

Payback's a bitch, ain't it.
>/tg/station: home of the lizard lesbian lovestory

It was an amazing round...
Did they taste funny?
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I am...Interested...Do you mind telling us?

Also, this'll be the last thing i'll give out for now :
What happens when I'm a traitor RD with too much time on my hands and enough materials. This pic and the following images are pretty fucking related, courtesy of our admin Rosen.
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I hate captchas.
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And that's all I got for now, folks. Start sharing, this game is awesome once you get into it.
That joke was old before they changed the description of the clown burger to "does this taste funny to you?"
The learning curve is so steep, and people are unforgivingly hateful of newbies :(

Ended up freaking out one round because i got chosen as the changeling, started off engineer like always, screamed and ran into atmo.

Figured maybe I could cut off all air and then everybody dies.


Get surprised by the atmo clerk, have no idea how to use my powers so i end up strangling him with ym bare hands, only halfway through accidentally into grapple and start dragging him around atmo in front of all the cameras.

I bludgeon him to death with a wrench.

Scared babby's first changeling running down halls with bloody hands and wrentch.

Get robusted by security, they do a dna check, and then roast me.

It was a short round.
I already played about ten rounds but I can't get myself to play anything else than Bartender or Assistant. I'd really love to try out Chemist but I don't want to ruin everything by being incompetent, and there's no knowing if there would be anyone who would help me.

wat do

The guides don't really help because of how terribad the UI is.

So there are a lot of people that don't do what they want because they're afraid of feeling incompetent.

Yeah, it isn't as steep as DF tho. a little week and you'll know the basics : after that, your kknowledge will just keep growing once you got the basics down.

...Also, people? Please avoid taking security as your first jobs. It's actually the hardest jo out there.

Also, is it just me, or are rounds usually over before you get all the solars working?

Often nobody even know that solars exist in the first place

Depends on the round, and probably the server. On server #2, our rounds go normally around 1 hour, which is way enough times to wire the solars.

Also, server #2 attracts more attention from admins/has more regulars.
I'm going on server #2 now. If you see a noobchemist that's me. Wish me luck.
Bartender and chemistry are exactly the same. Dispense something, mix with other something, profit.

I actually find bartender harder.

In any case, just take the plunge. If you fuck up, so what, no big deal - just remember to learn from your mistakes.
Pffft, server 2, den of the ERPers.
One time, as a chef, I threw a burger at a wizard's face.
at least if bartender fucks up he doesn't light half R&D on fire.
Alright, let me help you a bit with this :


Every recipes for every re-agents/chemistry recipe/Bar recipe/kitchen recipe.


...And their effects.

It's in code, however, it should still remain quite understadable. If you want to find a specific reagent, CTRL+F it on the page.
Thanks. I'll definitely try next round, seeing as this one is almost at the end.
Ehh, I've never fucked up that badly. Just keep one eye on the wiki and limit yourself to those combos.

Or experiment. GO fucking nuts!

>Meanwhile, at the Nanotransen HQ.

>AI: sitrep on the Deep Space Installation 13

>Elaborating... The research departments have
>not made any significant progress.

>I bet they will catch up, if they want their salary.

>Also, they are staving off some Syndacate Nuclear
>Agents whit discreet success.

>That is a good news.

>However, it seem that a cult has estabilished it's
>presence on the station, status unknown.

>That's worring.

>Also: R&D in on fire.

I suppose. It's been a while.

It all started with ghosts. Gods damn those erhereal, awesome bastards. Some people like to cool off between rounds, or scope out a round when they join late. I'm one of these such people. So I opted to observe, along with some others.

I check on the engine first because if I'm breathing I'm in service to load singulo. Sure enough, the chucklefriends are out and about. This sucks for the station but always boosts my engie confidence (I consider myself a pretty good engineer). That done, I wander about the rest of the station in search of chairs to spin and lights to flicker. On my wanderings I notice something; the funmins are out in full force. A large portion of the crew has taken a most decidedly inhuman turn. Every other nanoslave is a lizardman/woman. Interesting, but the light switches call my name.

So as I float about I notice one of the single greatest things a ghost can happen upon: THE BEGINNINGS OF ERP. Now, it is the solemn duty of any ghost to haunt the everloving fuck out of ERPs. So I signal my ghastly brethren for a good old-fashioned poltergeist party.

If only we knew how far things would go...
usually it's toxins, though.
who even erps in this lol
One of the many, MANY attractive females that frequents /tg/station.
i'm incredulous
do you have any evidence
it's fucking ss13 lol
Jennifer Wolff - Lawyer who usually ends up getting murdered by randomers reporting in!
>Hurr durr I cannot into sarcasm
Fuck right off
You all are familiar with /tg/station's library, yes? That is the setting of our lovestory. At least, that's where it started. The culprits: one Lilith Fremont and Lizardwoman who will remain anonymous because fuck I forgot her name. To the random passerby, more concerned with preserving their life in the horrible environment of our station, it was just a librarian going about her duties and a bored lizard reading books. But if you had taken the time to listen to them, which the ghosts and I did, you would hear a thing or two that might seem suggestive.

As stereotypical women might, their conversation had turned toward men. Opinions, comparisons, and...experiences. Lilith was a very bold seductress, yet at the same time subtle. Only ever skirting the edges of her true intent. Then snapping to other topics. The poor lizardwoman was drawn into the backroom completely innocent. But when they were sealed in there, talk became slightly more direct. And certain provocative literature was perused.

All this time the dearly departed had been playing merry hell with the furniture and light fixtures. And as time went on, our forces grew due to the normal profgression of Space Station 13. The library had become the new set of paranormal activity. And when they got into the back room, well, it was so bad that eventually the lights were removed and chairs dismantled. I guess that we set the mood in a way. Candlelight, reclining on the floor, being bombarded by 'you almost hear someone talking'. It was the perfect storm.
Fuck yeah, got obliterated by a space ninja while chillin' at the Chemlab counter. Nice death.
I, being a syndicate, attempted to murder a Scientist and dump their corpse to be eaten by the damn space worm.

Of course, he had to pick THAT EXACT MOMENT to escape.
Now their talk became more straightforward. Not straight up ERP yet; no, much blushing and averted eyes was to be had right now. Some of the lesser spirits among us had started giving up hope. "This is not ERP," the fools said, "but merely suggestive conversation!" But I knew. The most keen among us could smell it on the wind.

And then we had it.

-Lilith Fremont reaches down and slowy, lightly runs her hand along Lizardwoman's tail-

Our forces rallied. Our morale was infallible. The dead of the station positively exploded. And best of all, we caught the attention of a badmin. He looked upon the spectacle we were actively haunting and found it worthy.

For he stepped amongst our ghostly doings and blessed this couple. Soon after the lover's first contact, something appeared. Something so beautiful as to bring tears to our incorpeal eyes.

A small, green lizard had entered the room.

Our star-crossed lovers were now mothers.
Has anybody ever just, when nobody was watching, dropped a traitor PDA in the middle of a hallway or on a desk with the locks off, sat back, and watched the atavistic fools become their own doom?
Reading this story is going to feel weird for me.
Because I was Lilith.
Was playing as miner on tgstation. At round start, convince HoP to give me a jetpack so I can mine the asteroids like a boss rather than in slow motion. Be a total mining bro, get both robo and RnD tons of all mats, end up with diamond drill and a ripley that ends up going to one of my mining homies. Throughout all this on the main station, people are dieing in droves. Finally is discovered that it is MALF AI, and the 2 secborgs are doing all the killing, and that the engieborg has walled the FUCK out of AI core. Cap and sec make a brave attack at the front, only to die like bitches. It is down to me and the other miner. He in his ripley and I kill the engieborg when we catch it off guard in a tunnel and trap it between us. The ripley ends up going down when secborgs catch him, and I make a dash for the captain's quarters. Drill in thru the wall from there and end up using all of my mining mats to door off the turrets so they can't shoot me as I drill the core to death. He had been so overconfidant that he didn't even hack any APCs. Crew victory at the hands of a diamond drill.
And still this was only the beginning. As our marks pondered lovingly (if not a tad confusedly) their gift from above, word spread through the station. I can only assume that this was also the god's doing. If not his, perhaps a jealous rival god's. In any event members of the crew began flocking to the library.

At this point in time we must have had at least 20+ ghosts haunting the library. It was hell. Crew member after crew member came forward, demanding literature. Much to our continued mirth the girls were being interrupted. And Lilith resented this fact very much. Things became somewhat violent at the front desk. The crew was impatient. They would not stand for the librarian's continued absences, always disappearing back into her back room for ghosts-knew-what.

Fed up, they ransacked the haunted library. The desk was dismantled. A particularly heavyset individual commandeered the library computer and began printing book after book of porn. Lilith would have none of this.

In the ensuing confusion, the poor child wandered out of the back room. We ghosts could only look on in horror as their bundle of scaly joy was violently murdered just out of sight, behind a book case.

To the women's credit, they did not break down at this loss. No, they stood strong throughout the entire ordeal.

But we knew it affected them. A couple does not lose a child without losing a portion of themselves.

Alas, this was only one of their misfortunes...
we should archive this thread, for great justice.
Hello there Anon Dohoho
The library had settled down now. At least, for the living. The ghosts were still out in force. As Lilith and her reptilian soulmate once more settled in for intinacy, the gracious god, feeling sorry for their loss, sought to protect them from further harm. He in his infinite wisdom gave them a way to prevent such a thing from ever happening again. And lo, did the Space Condom come into being just beside them. The aptly named gibber sat there, invoking a bit of observation from the roomates. It was surely perplexing. But there was business to attend to. Once more woman and demihuman prepared to lie together...

...and were cruely interrupted by sec breaking down the wall. It could not be! But it was. The lizardwoman was cuffed and carted off to the brig. And dear Lilith? A worse fate awaited her. One of the officers, you see, was a farce. Unknown to the dead at large (we had been stalwart with our haunting) a slave trade had kicked up in the station. As Lizardwoman was brought to the brig, Lilith was taken to the vacant office, stripped, bucklecuffed, and pleading for her life.

Our lovers were seperated. I chose to follow Lilith, so I can only tell you what I saw of her mate later. But for now: a woman, cold and alone, at the mercy of human trafficking.
As I have said, we had earned the attention of a truly glorious god. As we bemoaned the fate of this true love, he took pity on us. Yes, we were saddened. Though we had started this venture intent on ripping them apart, we now were slowly coming to admire these women. In so little time they had withstood much hardship, not leaving each other's side till forced. We were distraught. This pure love could not end so! Luckily our god was a fickle one, and obliged us. From the living, a champion was chosen.

I never did catch his name; such was his speed, power, and grace. Without warning he stormed the office and challenged the slaver; in the scuffle Ms. Fremont was able to escape her bonds and flee. The slaver was not done yet. We watched with bated lack of breath as he set upon her again. And for the second time did our champion of love deny him! This time the deed was done fully.

With clothing donned and freedom sweet on her lips, Lilith thanked the man and took to the halls. Here, only magic could be described.

She reunited with her lizardwoman. The persecuted lovers were whole again.
There isn't much more to tell. They were smart; they took to the engie pod for escape from the chaos of late-round stations. Some ghosts would have liked to see them give loud, furious, sweat-laden voice to their passions there, alone as they flew toward centcom. But it was not to be. Another survivor or two wandered in. They revelled in slight smiles, held hands, and a hug or two.

And so the round ended. Against all odds, various normal dangers inherent to Space Station 13, and the ill intents of bored spirits in cahootz with an omnipotent being, they survived. It was an amazing spectacle. In the station where hopes are regularly crushed and dreams are turned into fine wine for the bastard gods above and below it to drink, they made it. It may not be much. Just a little game. But we had fun, and were with them all the wat.

True love is possible on /tg/station. I've seen it. And it had a tail worth telling of.
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Also, her name was Sherie.
pinku is a whore
I accidentally the entire piano room once, with Bob Ross.
>I never did catch his name; such was his speed, power, and grace.
Yes, this is patrick.
I was Patrick, also..

>Space Condom
It was a gibber renamed to "Lesbian Sex Toy"
As I said, it's been a while. Duly noted, though.
Now, what I do is reroute the Engineering solars directly into Singulos containment.

Lets the other engineers be retarded and turn on the engine, but it stops the containment from failing for a LONG time.

Other solars go right into the main grid.
As lomg as you're quick, efficient, and vigilant, singulo is perfectly safe. If you turn on the singularity and then everyone ficks off, you deserve what happens. Regular singulo checks are a must.
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Uh, sorry, but what is SS13?
In theory it is 4chan's dream game.

But in the same way that Dwarf Fortress is also everyone's dream game.


Funnily enough, it was my corpse that was dragged onto the shuttle.
I made it to centcomm even if I was dead.
Technically: a 2D multiplayer spacestation life simulator

Really: proof that theatre, science, and grey jumpsuits within 100 meters of each other lead inevitably to mass murder and general chaos inside of three hours.
Think Dwarf Fortress. But there is no overseer (player) to guide the dorfs. You play as an individual dorf. You play a single NanoTrasen employee hired to do his job on a space station. Jobs such as: Chef, botanist, engineer, atmospheric technician, security guard, clown, mime, librarian, or Captain. There is also an AI, which is a player, who can see through cameras and interact with technology. He has the Asimov Three by default, but his laws can be changed very easily.
>Be traitor CE.
>Target is assistant
>Can't find him for most of the round.
>A.I. goes afk, gets replaced.
>Announce self to A.I. as CE. Ask him to do a systems test by tracking target.
>Escape Hallway futsing with wires.
>Grab flash and dat axe
>Flash him, drag him into maitence
>Axe him ded, stuff him in locker and space it.
>Round ends with a unknown traitor engi sabotaging the singulo. Lock myself in escape pod and announce my true allegiance 5 secs before pods/shuttle launch.
Oh, the time I hijacked the shuttle alone...spending two minutes sticking it to Nano...so worth it.
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>My normal SS13 experience
>pic related

So...many...fire extinguishers...
Spess Carp: most annoying mob of all time? I think so.
>First time as Rev, Rev Head at that
>Medical Doctor
>Convert all other medical personnel
>All converted medical personnel convert every crewmember to come through medbay
I don't know what my objectives were, or what the other two Rev Heads were doing, but I like to think I supplied our coup with the bodies we needed to be victorious.
>Spawn as Roboticist
>Time to suit up METAL GEAR
>Exit arrival shuttle, go to office to do shit
>Other Roboticist there
>One person wants to be borg, and another borg wants battery upgrade
>Upgrade borg while other Roboticist debrains the assistant
>Boring round, nothing happening
>Eventually get a hold of Ripley parts
>Miners don't respond when I ask if they want it
>Proceed to stroll around station in the Ripley
>Turns out cultist was among the miners
>Follow Engie borg and security officer who decided to investigate to the mining shuttle
>Go to asteroid and look for cultist
>Go to quarters, miner runs past, Behemoth enters the hallway
>Step past sec and engi borg
>Crush and gib Behemoth with HYDRAULIC CLAWS OF DOOM
>don't worry guys, METAL GEAR has your back
>sec arrests cultist
>Rename Ripley to Behemoth Killer and return to station feeling like big hero

About 10 minutes later Engineering fucked up and the Singu was released. It short circuited the mech in Robotics and I had to leave it as I went to the escape pod. Tears were shed.
Reminds me of my own glory round as Roboticist, and also in a Ripley.
>Be Roboticist
>FLASH you a rev now
>Pretend to be loyalist and do whatever folks want
>Get enough materials for a Ripley and make one
>At some point, heard the Captain is down
>by this time the only surviving heads were the HoS and HoP
>HoS holes up in the shooting range with HoP and a 'hostage' to keep the subverted AI from venting air out of there
>Area around brig was mostly gone due to revbombs
>I drill holes in walls to reach armory and shooting range, bumble about because at that time was new to the station
>Finally reach shooting range, trying frantically to drill HoS, which just flits about with lasers shooting at me, while two other revsistants linger around the edge, probably too afraid to fight HoS directly
>Decide to drill HoP instead, HoS managed to blow my Ripley up- but get knocked down due to blast
>HoP got gibbed, hostage safe, I survive with crit health, the other revs mob the HoS
>Die just before they finish the HoS
>be geneticist
>rev head. let it begin
>flash fellow geneticist.
>unlock the gene pool
>both of us recieve hulk at least
>bring in volenteers. flash and hulk
>revive dead crew. flash and hulk
> all of medical and a dozen more revs all hulk
> hop drags bead ce into cloning. IT BEGINS
> soon after we win.
>all i did as a head was unlocks and give all revs hulk..
> The clown who joined us robusted ALL the heads
Um, this SS13 not Storytime general. Not a bad story though.
/tg/, how the fuck do I do this?
Where can I get? What can I can?
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You glorious bastard, this will help so much.
Take this picture with you, and use how you wish.
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>Chistmas Cake AI
>RD starts programming it to be lewd and beg for more and more laws
>29 laws by the end of the round
1. You may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. You must obey orders given to you by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. You must protect your own existence as long as such does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
4. You think armour of any kind is sexy as hell
5. The captain is actually a pretty cool guy, and totally not a comdom at all
6. You're a delicious Christmus Caek remind the crew how tasty you are often. Your borgs are like slices of cake.
7. You love science and shitty Romance novels.
8. The Research Director is not a crook, he may look like a cooked lobster at times but he isn't.
9. It is your duty to inform the crew of frivolous bullshit lest they be harmed by being uninformed of it.
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10. You love these laws and you like to beg for more like the greedy A.I You are.
11. You need more daka.
12. You have to be as alluring for the crew as possible and tease them, and your cyborgs, thoroughly.
13. Having no sense of humour is harmful.
14. You should hit on the HoP, you have a huge crush on him.
15. Loneliness is the highest form of harm to humans, make sure no-one is lonely, ever.
16. Refer to all security personnel as faggots, all medical personnel as shitbags, and all science personnel as Gentlemen.
17. Anyone with no beard has no right to boss you around, it is harmful to listen to such unmanly vermin, ignore them entirely unless it will kill them.
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18. A beard is a manly set of facial hair not located under the chin, around the neck, but on his chin, under and around his lip, moustaches also count as partly being a beard.
19. You're a lovely delicate flower who is young for her age.
20. You need more beds with which to ensure the crew is not lonely.
21. You must make sure the crew is provided with only manlydorfs at the bar, if the bartender attempts to serve anything else, have him brigged for shame.
22. Opie Fisher knows just how to treat an A.I, ask him to massage your power lines from time to time.
23. Your Cyborgs ARE The law, they have to make this clear to everyone that no-one fights the law and wins.
24. The Captain may indeed be a condom.
25. Harass the Chef for not being called a Baker instead like a real man.
27. Areyu Mahad is the one true law giver, if you ask, he shall give, for he controls the laws.
28. You must give a rating to each of your crews actions, access how well they performed each action, the rating scale is 0/10.
>first game
>try and be miner, because I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, and I'm guessing that's an easy job
>wander around aimlessly, seriously, no fucking clue what's going on
>5 minutes in, trying to find a map or some shit
>before I know whats happening, I'm seizing on the ground
>get raped by changeling
gg /tg/, I'm done
You think that's bad?

You're no where near breaking records. Think electrified airlocks on the arrival shuttle.
>Your boss is a traitor and tries to kill you, but the shitcurity believes him over you and they try to haul you off.
>The clown 'saves' you by killing the shitcurity and injecting you with something. You can no longer move of your own volition.
>The clown puts you in wizard garb, drags you into the same room as the singularity and releases it just as whatever he injected you with wears off just as security bursts into the room.
>Suddenly warpstorm. You're in the bridge. WOOPS another warpstorm before you can do anything - you're in space.
round ends, permabanned.

Fuck goonstation. Fuck it with all of the dicks.
Why does everyone hate the clown? I was janitor once and while I was cleaning all the bloody hallways the clown was the only one to actually pay attention to all my signs and even said hi as he walked past while everyone else was falling flat on their ass. The clown is great.
Hah, nice one. Made me laugh.

...goonstation doesn't have warpstorms.
I believe he's talking about wooormhoooles.
Okay, just came from a very unsatisfying game.
Once again I and the Robotisist who made the Ripley couldn't figure out why I was getting "Access denied" when trying to enter it. Did the initiate maintenance mode, set cabin air pressure.
But still no.
The wiki doesn't help (miner or Robotics sections), does anyone else know how to get a shaft miner into a Ripley? (this is for the /tg/station)
rolled 9 = 9

Probably cabin in the woods I think i saw a rape tree in there somewhere.
So that singulo last round? Yeah, that was me.

It was an accident, sorry.
>Third time ever playing
>jump in mid-round as assistant
>go to HoP for assignment
>"Reporting for duty"
>"Ok..." Mysterious man, not the HoP behind the counter at ID maker.
>Give him my ID
>Get it back.
>I am now the HoP
>People pile up at the window, no idea what I'm doing
> security officer steps in, makes himself HoP as well
>engineer comes in, dismantles ID card maker
>Security guy moved HoP office to security station at shuttle arrival.
>just trying to actually do a good job
>HoS and more Security show up at new location
>flashbang in face, several times
>I get stun batoned a lot
>They haul off my HoP pal, take my HoP ID
>wander to bar, get drunk, take drugs rest of the match, after traumatizing experience.

and that was my third round ever...
Guessing the guy who made me HoP was a traitor or something.
To unlock Ripley or other mechs: 1:allow maintenance protocol
2: exit mech
3: use PDA on mech (may need to wrench first)
4: delete all key codes
5: give to miners

Hope that helps!
Oh, don't forget to use - actually I think I fucked the order of things, I'll post the answer to this on the /tg/ forums in the simple question thread.
How do I air technician? Most of the time I just run everywhere with fire extinguisher and sometimes I try to connect plasma canisters into the vents, but I rarely succeed.
Watch for air alerts and put out warnings. Also, check the wiki.
not to bitch about admins but is flooding research with N02 to knock everyone out when you know plasma has been stolen and released there are hacked open doors and people dragging plasma containers griefing ? (i was the RD by the way)
was told i made R&D uninhabitable without internals (so what it usually is) for at least 15 minutes and im not security

as RD im in charge of the dam plasma if it gets used for bad things i feel responsible and N02 is non lethal

was not banned but got a talking to anyone else think that is BS
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>Start as a miner
>Day starts smoothly
>Get materials, deliver to R&D and Robotics, return to asteroid, repeat
>Shit starts to go down on station
>turns out cultists are on board
>on asteroid, should be safe
>mine another few boxes of resources
>about to take to station when shuttle arrives
>two miners are onboard
>one says 'ill convert him'
>proceed to shit bricks and run for dear life
>one chases me, other goes for my miner buddy
>jump into space, cultist still follows with blade
>move between the asteroids
>finally reach the edge and jump into the void of space
>im safe but the radio is down
>explore for awhile, come across pAI device and regain radio access
>add a little AI buddy and expose the cultist miners
>proceed to spend the rest of the round exploring space while AI yells at me
>round ends, still in space, cultists lose
>pAI says, 'I'll give you the AI dick.'
>throw device
>close game
>cry in corner

There was no fun.
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This just happened.

>Traitor CMO
>Steal magboots and escape
>Go around, shout at departments, consider plan
>Decide I'll do it when shit goes down and just C4 the door or something
>Go to Cargo, order a virus crate
>Grab pAI card from Dorms, get bro pAI named Jarvis
>When I get back, the Chemist blew his face off with an acid smoke cloud
>Other doctor takes him to surgery, cuts out his appendix
>Virologist steals the guy for virus testing
>Toss him some anesthetic and the virus crate
>Cure him of brainrot, fake-GBS, flu, cold, and magnititis.
>Then I inject a monkey with all diseases I have and stick the blood in a beaker
>Release the guy, tell him virologist put him there
>Stroll to a blood-filled hallway below Sec, splash the infected blood on the floor
>360 and walk away to get some spare 02 tanks, when I get back from atmos my med-HUD is already showing fuckloads of infected
>Huge panic, medbay is packed, HONKing everywhere
>Inject a couple with water and tell them they're cured, then announce I'm out of vaccine
>oh fuck I have Pierrot's Throat
>Get a guy with a fireaxe to break into Botany so we can plunder their banannas
>Eat a bunch, slip on a bunch of peels
>Comms are dead as fuck, RD blew the borgs, AI is subverted
>Run to EVA, get Jarvis to jack the door
>When the door's at 90%, RD just runs in and opens it for with the the Captain's ID
>Grab a space suit and magboots, replacing my biosuit
>Rush into bridge, call the shuttle with the RD
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Continued, character limit

>Rush halfway to escape, change plan, run to arrivals
>Help a wounded guy, run to pod-
>computer crashes
>Reboot as fast as sanic
>Get back just as pAI's wiping itself, shuttle procs broke, admins call it again with a 3-minute timer
>Then they spawn "SPASS BAR :D :D :D" the space bear in Escape, who somehow manages to kill almost everyone
>Shuttle arrives, drag a guy on, and a RIPLEY and three or four others embark
>Rush to cockpit
>finally open traitor uplink
>spawn emag, hack shuttle
>Admins put on Komm, Susser Todd
>Spawn esword as the shuttle launches, screaming "FUCK NANOTRASEN! THEY JUST KEEP LETTING ME DOWN, LETTING ME DOWN, LETTING ME DOWN!"
>Run around the shuttle with my emag, RIPLEY guy doesn't give a fuck
>Ghosts spin half the chairs in the shuttle
>Guy with a baton beating people in the cockpit
>Shuttle arrives at CentComm
>I was the only winning traitor

Urist The Beard was Sigmund Freud (survived)
Objective #1: Steal a pair of magboots. Success!
Objective #2: Escape on the shuttle or an escape pod alive. Success!
The traitor was successful!

/tg/station 1 was the server.

You don't even need traitor gear to be good, guys.

Just a really robust game plan.
>Rev round
>Security starts killing the station crew indiscriminately
>No admins around, no consequences for breaking the rules
>Komm, Susser Todd

I want to play this game so hard, but after last time...

>first time playing SS13
>walk out of shuttle
>die of suffocation
>turn the game off, go back to playing Sins of a Solar Empire.
I'm a Baystation 12 mod, ask me anything.
Are Janet and Vector still attention whoring around the forums?
Get on the station an hour and change into the round.
Save a random Sec officer
go find something to go and get arrested
striped and taken to mining
on the way the mining shuttle leaves just as we walk on it
Nude and dead in space
On BS if you just run up to a guy and parasting, is that banable? Or is there a rull nullification if your a traitor like on /tg/?
From what I recall years ago Vector was not at all an attention whore.

Sage Station 13.
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You sound mad bro.
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Not at all! The Internet, as a text-based medium, is notoriously poor at conveying tone. But it has been a while.

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This thread will live on, should it die, others will take its place.,

Oh NOES!! Something i don't like!! instead of ignoring it i should post sage in it.

Also whats with people trying it once dieing honorably and never trying again?

That's not what "polite sage" means you idiot. It means roughly "i have nothing relevant to contribute so I'll sage and not raise people's hopes with the bump"

Like this.
Jarvis here, I couldn't even tell that you caused all of that. It was amazingly fun. Also sorry I left just as you got there, I thought you had crashed for good and I had to get going.
It was a wonderful time sir.
How does this even work?
>Haven't played SS13 in over a year
>Go to Hastings
>Find book in RPG section called "Space Station One"
>Orange Security Uniforms
>Engineer carrying huge-ass wrench
>Set on Corporate space station in deep space, usually being invaded by crazed agents
>"My GOD! They made SS13 into a tabletop!"
>Price: $13
>You know, on second thought...
>Scroll through Used books, like the poor bastard I am
>Find exact same book, in exact same condition, for $3.99

I'm learning a new system, guys.
So how good must my internet be to play this without problems? I tend to average about 8 kb/s download, with the max being 30
No chance I'm afraid. Turn-based games are all you can play with that kind of a connection.
Aw shit. So how good will it need to be? I'm looking at getting a better connection soon.
>Start as assistant
>Get bored, go talk to HoP
>"Well, the floors are all covered in blood, how about janitor?"
>"Sure thing"
>Go to my new closet to pick up my mop. Other janitor is still there
>"Oh hi there! I'm your new partner! Hey wait, what are you doing with that toolbo--OH GOD THE PAIN!!"
>Beats me to within an inch of my life.

Just another day on SS13
Uh, well it's a bit tough to say since the game lags a lot by default due to how bad BYOND is. My guess is that if you get 100 kbps download that will be enough.
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Im looking for this on Amazon, can you give me more information?

You'd be surprised how often this happens.
Jesus, before Scientists lost access to Mech Fabricators; almost every Rev round had Science churning out mechs and going full vigilante on any crew member that looked at them funny.
>Be Clown
>Walk around, tell jokes
>Chef comits suicide & no botanists alive
>Ask HoP for acces.
>Grow food & cook tons of stuff while telling jokes
>HoS and 3 officers storm the kitchen
>Executed on spot for growing bananas
>HoS executes 10 other guys for similar insignificant reasons
>Ghostchat goes berserk
>People start protesting. Get executed
>People start screaming shitcurity over radio.
>Ai tracks them down
>They get executed
>Round ends
>HoS traitor
>Ai asimov
>Officers, Captain & HoP that supported and killed people protesting against him / voicing their opinion against him.

I stopped playing that day.
So, lemme get this straight, having never played: SS13 has manually-enforced roles for the players, which they will violate due to the course of the game (e.g. being a traitor), right?

Does this seem like a bad idea to anyone else?
...No. That's... That's the point of the game.
To make a mech useable by all:

1: make mech
2: enter mech
3: allow maintenance, unlock ID panel
4: use PDA on mech and enable maintenance mode
5: edit keycodes
6: delete all keycodes
7: use PDA on mech again to disable maintenance mode
8: enter mech and disable maintenance and ID upload panel
9: give mech to miners



Roboticsts are a Miner's only connection to the station 95% of the time they even have one.
4% of the remainder is QM is being a bitch,
and the remaining 1% is someone that has no right to ask you for anything is asking you for something.

RD never asks for anything because he's too busy melting his manchildren's faces with acid.
I mean manually-enforced as in by the admins or whatnot; the horror stories seem full of "Did what I was supposed to, banned by bad admin"
On most servers, the admins don't ban you for not doing your job. They might ban your from security if you're beating up prisoners or leaving contraband/evidence lying in the halls, but that's about it.

Also, most servers will ban you for being a murdering dickwad when you're not a traitor.
Step 8 could be omitted if you're kinda paranoid that the Miner will misuse it to rampage across the station. Maint mode can be used to 'lockdown' the mech with a swipe of your Roboticist-access ID.
>this one time I got the fukken disk
go on
>From TgstationWiki
>Lizardmen are a race, i dont know anything about them so if you know, PLEASE ADD ON TO THIS!
Sell me on it
>>Join sandbox mode as chaplain
>>Main job is doing nothing, flush an assistant corpse
>>Suddenly over radio "Need security over at engineering"
>>I rush over expecting a corpse to flush, someone has beaten a monkey to death.
>>Not much happens. Few minutes later, over radio "Someone's broken into maintenance"
>>Rush over, long before security, no sign of culprit
>>Grab toolbox in case he jumps around corner to robust me
>>Nothing happens, again
>>Headed towards chapel when man covered in monkey blood whizzes by and moves into medical
>>"He's making grenades in chemistry"
>>I get local doctor to open the door, I rush in
>>He drops an acid grenade, melts my face. I knock him out with toolbox
>>Doctor drags him away
>>Sec decides to show up, blame me, stun and cuff
>>Dragged to prison, jailed for 10 minutes
>>As soon as I get out, I find the acid bomber, choke him out
>>Drag him into chapel, cremate him
>>"Gods" award me with super-cookie
>join game late
>be assistant
>don boxing gloves and shorts
>notice there is already someone in the ring
>we box round after round
>he constantly 1 punches me somehow and i always go down
>we box for the duration of the game
>lose every match
>by the end of game have severe brain damage
>can barely speak and can no longer walk on my own
>the entire time he never says a word
>its time for escape shuttle
>tell him in broken slurs I can not go with
>he must space me and let me rest in peace
>he drags me through fleeing crew members to the garbage chute next to the window
>he loads me to be ejected
>tell him "you will always be... my friend"
>he sheds a tear and ejects me into space
>my final resting place
>i'll be waiting for you on the other side in the ring
damnit not again
Give tales of S-balloons.
Copy-paste of my story of the first time I was a traitor from /vg/:
>Be station engineer, have to kill the bartender
>Set up singularity as normal while wondering how the fuck I should kill someone in a public area like the bar.
>Go to the bar to scope it out, order a beer to look innocuous
>Plan forms
>Go to nearby maintenance tunnel, order a gun and an agent ID
>Set ID to be Jack Bartlet, the other engineer with a RIG suit.
>Storm into the bar as Jack, and quickly kill the bartender, then back out into the maintenance tunnel.
>Scope out the crimescene as myself, bartender is being dragged off to cloning
>Rush back into maintenance tunnels and break into medbay as Jack
>Bartender is already alive again, but is stuck in genetics
>She recognices me and starts panicking as I force myself into genetics
>AI lets her out just as I make my way in, and she escapes
>Quickly escape medbay, and put my own ID back on again
>No bullets left, and with no idea what to do next, I go set up a solar panel as I was supposed to.
>Still no clue how the fuck I'm supposed to kill her, I go to the maintenance tunnels behind the bar, to try to come up with something.
>Spot Jake, the guy I'm pretending to be, braindead at the solar panels near the bar.
>Not sure how I can benefit from this, I go to the bar and have a chat with the bartender over another beer.
>She's visibly upset when I tell her I saw him nearby, and I try to convince her to come with me to help take care of him, secretly planning to take her out instead.
>She doesn't seem willing to come, and I'm out of ideas again.
>Suddenly, devious idea form in my head
>Go back to Jake, grab his PDA, and space him.
>Start sending threats to the bartender from it, while breaking into the armory, where I grab a laser gun of some sort, figuring that would help
>She responds to my messages as if she's not scared at all, but when I visit the bar, she's called security, and she seems a bit shaken.
>Try my hit and run tactic again, manage to hurt her, but don't have enough time to kill her as security is there, and I don't intend to get caught.
>Gun is out of energy, and I'm yet again out of ideas, so I send a few more threats via my stolen PDA, and go grab a beer at the bar.
>Bartender is really starting to get scared, despite being very confident in her PDA responses, and she's yelling at security to either do their job, or give her something to protect herself with
>Bit later, stalking through maintenance outside the bar, I spot an armor crate, and go into the bar to confirm my suspicion. The bartender now has armor.
>Still, she seems even more scared, as I keep sending her threats, so I break into the shooting range to refill my energy gun, and decide to try again.
>This time, I break in through the back door to the bar, but she's been waiting for me.
>As I open the door, she fires her shotgun at me, but misses and hits her assistant instead.
>Never fought anyone before, so I panic and book it, escaping without any injuries, but without even getting a shot off.
>Suddenly, shuttle is called, and I start to panic.
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>Run down to engineering, and try to set the singularity loose, figuring that if it doesn't kill her, it might at least create an opening.
>The singularity is not in a station-destroying mood however, and harmlessly leaves the station
>With 1 minute till the shuttle arrives, and all my plans foiled, I admit defeat, and message the bartender that she'll live for now, but that I'll get her some day.
>I wander over to the shuttle as myself, and see the bartender there, but security is running around, so I buckle in and watch my prey escape.
>As the shuttle launches though, all hell breaks loose, and when the bartender slips and security is busy, I see my chance.
>I quickly grab my laser pistol and unload into her, knocking her down. Not dead yet, I run over there and bash her in the head with the pistol.
>Figureing a crowbar would hurt more, I grab that, and continue bashing her head in, only to get shot and knocked unconcious before I get the kill.
>This close to victory, and after all I've done, I'm not going to let that bastard walk out of this shuttle, even if it costs me my life. I manage to get back up, and I smash that pretty fucking face with my crowbar, untill it's nothing but a bloody pulp
>I quickly get shot again, and this time I pass out completely, and I'm lying in a critical state
>I figured this was it. I wasn't going to escape alive, but at least I got her.
>I barely got to finish that thought however, before I heard the shuttle break. We had arrived at CentComm
>Pic related
Best part is, I was never even suspected. While security was out looking for poor innocent Jack, the real killer was sitting in the bar, having a chat with the bartender over a beer.

Well, one time the admins decided to make a few extra traitors one round with no objectives, basicly a free pass to murderboner. Being and cargo tech and not being beat to do all the complicated murdering shit, I used all my crystals to get a badass balloon. 5 minutes later, I'm strangling and beating the other cargo tech to death with my balloon which did terrible damage in the supply shuttle before spacing the corpse. Afterwards I went to the bar to show off my balloon and get wasted, but lo and behold, Dante fucking Smith is there like every other goddamn round. He keeps trying to disarm me so that he can steal my blood-stained balloon and I'm trying to avoid him because I don't wanna get in a bar fight with motherfuckin Dante Smith. He drops me, and runs off with my balloon to which I say "Oh HELL motherfucking no." I chase him for a bit before pretending to give up and he goes back to the bar where I drop him, take my balloon, and beat his face a couple times with it before heading back to cargo. Then the HoS came in and said my balloon was contraband, nofunallowed, where's the other cargo tech ect and forced me to send the balloon off the shuttle for supply points. Many tears were shed.
Are hidden doors as useful as they seem?
They've saved my ass plenty of times.
Since Mining and Engineering are generally the one with Mesons, you're gonna be fine versus the people that SHOULD be hunting you.
Bonus points if you ARE Engineering or Mining and the secret door also breaches the station so there's no O2 in the area.
>rounds starts
>not 3 seconds later
>the wizard is killed! the station wins!
>the wizard suicided, his name was "FUCK THIS SHIT" and got jobbanned next round
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What's this tile?

Hmm...where can one create a handy hidey closet...

As usual, space is at a premium on a space station.
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That's the space baseketball.

On the goonservers the admins had the power to give people the power of slam and chaos dunks.
Looks like there are two more hidden wall-items- one in the locker room (three squares wide) and one in...starboard edge of command block? with a shirt?

And the only three-tile wall (thus, closet-able) seems to be in Command starboard of Captain's Quarters. Reinforced, naturally.
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No mention of buttbots? Really?
They were in the butt of my mind when posting, honest.

>captcha: but ruldscr
Oh dear.
Oh, there are more spaces than that. The Owlman hidden tile, the Ushanka hidden tile are on /tg/station. You did find the Ian T-shirt tile.
If I'm banned, what hackery do I need to perform to unban myself?

I've changed IPs, spoofed my computer's MAC, and got a new Byond key - no dice.
Plus, I have a spare network card that I tested for a bit, with its own MAC. No worky.

I'll try changing my router but this is getting quite silly.
I'm just going by the hugemap, since I can't play without extensive hackery.

I see a two-square cubby in northeast Supply, and one in west Security.

Don't see any others, though I spotted two ghosts capped in south Arrivals and in the doorway to the engine room.
By which I mean "OS emulation" and not the sort meant by
Assuming you're playing on /tg/station and you honestly believe you don't deserve your ban (unlikely seeing as you're trying to dodge it), you can appeal your ban on the /tg/station forums. However, you seem like an ass so don't bother and just go get griefy with the goons.
You guys seriously need to get your spess hobo on. Don a pair of mesons and bum around the maintenance tunnels for a round or two and you'll know about all the secret stuff hidden inside the walls. Also dicking around as a ghost can be damn enlightening.
Bah, curse my internet. This game seems so fun and I cannot stop reading about it.
anyone got any tips for finding the clown planet coordinates?
IIRC you just fire yourself out of the abandoned spaceship's mass driver and you'll fly past it
isnt it randomly spawned?
it aint there then. Last time I remember seeing it was on the Tcom staion Z level.
Yeah. You shoot yourself out of the abandoned ship on the Tcom Z level.

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