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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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sup /tg/

Let me share a tale with you of a fun campaign my GM is running for our group right now. It's a D20 Modern campaign set in the 1960s. The party is a group of mercenaries who travel the world performing any job for any client who can pay. It's a tale of violence and struggle, but mostly it's about the hilarious fuck ups the party accomplishes.

We didn't start with a name, but after the first session we all agreed on the one name suggested that fit with the groups overall feel. And so our group of mercenaries became known to the world as MCF Inc. Which stand for, a fact that no member will ever tell our clients, what the party manages to turn ever single mission into, a Massive Cluster Fuck.

And so, these are the tales of the missions a group of supposedly badass yet incompetent mercenaries get up to. And how they manage to royally fuck up every single one.

Pic related because The Expendables is where our GM got the idea for the game.
The group consisted of about five different characters who are only know to each other by their code names.

Tae-Kwon-Do- A sneaky type Korean that had bluff for some reason even though he never did any talking outside of shouting insults at the villians. He'd sunk all his feats into duel-wielding gold-plated desert eagles with silencers that didn't reduce the noise from the .50 round at all.

Second Life - The group's doctor that was the only sane person. Used an assault rifle.

Flint Steel - An cop that saved up his vacation days so that he could go on extended mercenary jobs with the group. The only one in the group that had survival. Used a single crappy 9mm pistol.

Daemon - The GM's character who stayed back at base and provided us with mission support.

Hail Caesar - A massive black guy with a giant machine gun and the only one in the group that actually had charisma and social skills.
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Now when our GM thought up the game he planned for each session to be a single randomly generated stand-alone mission. To do that he wrote up a bunch of random tables detailing such things as who was hiring us, where were we going, who were we up against, what they were doing, and also a bunch of random plot twists he could throw in at any time.

For our first randomly generated mission we were hired by Arabs for a mission set in America. Our enemy, a Mexican Cartel. What they were doing that had to be stopped? Llama smuggling.

Yeah, Llama smuggling.
Oh boy.
Like legit llamas? not like, llamas like some offshoot of coyotes? Like cocaine smuggled int he llamas or something? like fucking farm animals?
any chance you could upload those tables for us? i would love to use a modified version of them i think.
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Apparently our Arab bosses where quite upset that the Mexicans were moving in on the Llama market they were trying to corner. Go figure. We weren't complaining because cash was cash.

So off the group goes (minus Flint because his player had to leave) on their one crappy cargo plane to Hawaii. That's where Daemon decided to spring the information of what exactly the cargo plane was carrying with us to Hawaii. It was bait to lure out the Cartel. It was even more Llamas.

Tae decided that he would have so fun on the plane ride over and rile up some of the Llamas. He succeeded and several tried to get into a fight with Caesar who proceeded to knock the fuck out of them since he was the group's tank.

A quick note since it applies most of the situations that come later, the GM is a big fan of the critonomicon. He uses it for every time a 20 or a 1 is rolled. This time, a Llama that tried to attack Caesar somehow managed to bite off its tongue and choke on its own blood. That started a panic amongst the herd and they started to stampede. In the middle of the plane's rather small cargo bay.
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Eventually the group managed to get the herd under control but not before we lost 3 Llamas and took some damage before we even got to the mission area. Way to go Tae.

Eventually we land the plane in Hawaii and offload the remaining Llamas into a pen near a hanger. There, Tae and Second Life get into an argument over whether they should eat the dead Llamas and what the best way to cook them was. Caesar also argued with the two of them that there was no way in hell he was going to eat something that almost managed to bite off his fingers. Eventually the argument was settled in favor of spit roasting the Llamas over an open fire. Because Caesar refused to partake in the feast he was the first to notice the rest of the Llamas were missing from their pen while everyone was occupied by arguing. After checking the security camera, it turns out that the Mexicans had stolen the Llamas, and therefore our bait, while our backs were turned. Now we needed an entirely new plan.
The group splits up with Tae tracking the Llama kidnappers and Caesar and Second Life going into town to look for more information. After a quick phone call to Daemon back at headquarters (who yelled at us for losing the bait) we were off to investigate a family restaurant that specialized in serving Llama meat.

After hiding over more obvious weapons in duffel bags, Caesar and Second walked right into the restaurant and demanded to see the manager so they could ask him questions. Now a quick word about Caesar. He is a 6'8 black man that weighs 300 pounds with 18 Strength and 20 Constitution. He is a really big man. To take advantage of this, he had taken the feat Frightful Presence, that makes enemy or anybody Caesar doesn't like to make a DC23 will save or take minuses to everything if they're close to him. Despite the fact that Caesar's ire is not directed at them, the white crowd is still intimidated as fuck by him and begin to run out of the restaurant in fear.

Caesar and Second ignore this and walk right into the back and begin to interrogate the manager on where his Llama meat came from. Right after they got the answer (a warehouse near the docks) the police show up. Hoping to talk their way out of this, the two attempt to diplomacy with the officers. After some failed rolls Second decides to stab a cop with his scalpel. This doesn't go well with the other officers and soon a melee breaks out.

Not wanting to kill anyone important, Caesar attempts to knock the policemen unconscious using his duffel bag containing his machine gun as a club. Things go well and eventually only a couple cops are left. Then Caesar rolls a 1. More rolls on the critonomicon are rolled. It's decided that the machine gun randomly goes off. A cop goes down in the resulting gun fire. All hell breaks loose.
The cops all draw their guns and open fire. Thanks to Caesar DR he takes almost no damage. Not wanting to cause any more damage, Caesar fires off a couple rounds to drive the cops off and escapes out the back of the building with Second. After kidnapping the manager, they decide the run to the warehouse before the cops come back with reinforcements.

Meanwhile, Tae has finished tracking down the Mexicans that stole the Llamas and has arrived at the warehouse. Sneaking through the warehouse base (full of drugs, guns, and frozen Llama meat), he sneaks onto a boat that he picks up is about to leave for the Cartel's main base. As the boat leaves Tae (who doesn't speak Spanish) manages to get Daemon (who does speak Spanish) to translate what the Cartel members he's eavesdropping on are saying through his massive mobile phone. After rolling a 20 this works rather well and he gets the location of the main base that he relays to the others.

As the boat pulls away, Caesar and Second arrive at the warehouse with the police in tow. Deciding that the Mexican Cartel is the best distraction they can get, they decide to rush straight through the warehouse and steal a boat. Despite being trapped in the middle of a now roaring gun fight between the police and the Cartel, they succeed, though not without Second taking about four assault rifle bullets to the gut. And so off their boat speeds to the Cartel's main base, the source of their evil Llama smuggling.
So Tae arrives at the island and starts sneaking around the complex, heading into the upper levels where he is on one side of a massive machine which Llamas are being forced inside to be slaughtered. A large guard tower watches over the whole level. Eventually, he comes to a guard taking a piss and decides to blow his head off with his silenced Desert Eagle. That's where he finds out that a Desert Eagle with a silencer on it is still pretty fucking load. He fires, the guards head explodes, a few seconds later all the alarms go off.

Caesar and Second arrive at the island to see every guard heading for the upper level where Tae is holed up behind some rocks taking potshots at anyone who tries to get close. Gathering their gear the head out to rescue him by flanking his attackers from the rear, an attack that actually does pretty well. That is, until some stray shots manage to break the cheap walls of the conveyer belt causing the Llamas to escape. This causes a massive stampede of Llamas heading right for Caesar and second. This forces them to run for their lives by closing with the remaining Mexican elites, who are like the regular Mexican Cartel soldiers, except they wear sombreros and have makeshift flame throwers. Fun times were not had.

Eventually all the Mexicans were killed except for 1 troublesome sniper in the guard tower. Rather then deciding to storm the tower, Tae has an idea. Taking a page out of his favorite Battlefield 1942 tactic, he loads up all his C4 onto the hood of a nearby truck, rams it at top speed toward one of the tower's supports, bails out at the last second, and hits the detonator as it collides.

The results? The tower falls down. On Tae. Who has been reduced to around 10hp due to his own explosives.

He makes his Ref save by 1. Then shoots the somehow still alive sniper in the head. Mission accomplished.

And that's the first mission of MCF Inc.
Anybody out there interested in the second mission?

It has an island populated by natives with 22 strength, hilariously incompetent searches, natural 20s for the wrong things, people proclaiming themselves gods all over the place, and even more natural 1s.
indeed. proceed good sir
>aking a page out of his favorite Battlefield 1942 tactic, he loads up all his C4 onto the hood of a nearby truck, rams it at top speed toward one of the tower's supports, bails out at the last second, and hits the detonator as it collides.

The next mission begins back at base with Tae sticking a lit piece of dynamite onto Casar's back, who throws it into the corner of the room. There it explodes and destroys valuable equipment that Caesar has to use his paycheck from last mission to pay for. Caesar is not amused.

For this session, Second's player was busy while Flint's player showed up. The new mission? Go to a tropical island in the Pacific and capture a man who had proclaimed himself a god and ruled over the natives of this one island. The one hiring us this time were the UN security forces. They would pay us a set amount but subtract money if we couldn't capture the target, a french man named Lafayette, alive or if we killed too many natives.

After gathering our equipment and setting up and escape route, we began our insertion onto the island by parachuting onto a beach at midnight.

Flint and Caesar landed perfectly at the landing zone, but Tae ended up out at sea where he spent the next 2 hours trying to swim ashore. After he finally arrived, exhausted, we set out into the jungle to track down Lafayette. After only four hours of travel, Tae had to rest otherwise he would start taking penalties. Leaving him behind to tie himself securely up in a tree, the others decided to quickly scout ahead for a few hours while he slept.

After Tae had slept for a few hours he eventually awoke to a Jaegar trying to eat him. Panicking, he pulled out his desert eagles and rolled both a natural 20 and a natural 1. The 20 blew off the Jaegar's lower jaw while the 1 caused one of Tae's guns to break. Eventually he managed to kill it and set about angrily attempting to catch up with the other two.
Flint and Caesar meanwhile we're going back and forth between rolling 20s and 1s on various stealth and tracking rolls somehow managing to accomplish nothing. After Tae caught up with them they eventually tracked down a village with a large statue of a white man in the center of it. There Tae and Flint decided to launch their "Cunning" plan of having Caesar proclaimed a god by the locals.

Caesar, of course, wants no part in this but the other two don't listen to him. That night, Tae slips into the village and wraps 83% of the statue in black duct tape. Feeling his job is down, he heads back to the group where Caesar is busy slamming his head against a tree repeatedly.

Afterwords, the group decides to actually try and track down their target but have no idea where to start. Deciding to take a cue from sterotypes, the decide to go to the top of the one mountain on the island, because surely a self-proclaimed god would want to lord it over his subjects from on high.
Oh by the way, Tae is still completely covered in Jaguar blood from blowing off the things jaw at point blank range.

So anyway the group journeys up a mountain where they encounter a group of native hunters. The group decides to hide from the hunters. Caesar rolls a natural 20 and Tae rolls over a 30. Flint rolls a natural 1, so is standing out in the open in the moonlight when the hunters arrive.

In desperation, Flint rolls to impress the hunters and rolls a natural 20. It's hear that the party realizes a critical mistake on their part. None of them can speak the native language, so no communication can be had.

Using diplomacy checks they manage to get the main idea that the natives now think Flint is the god of the moon here to visit Lafayette. Flint tries to convince the natives to lead him to Lafayette but is unable to get his point across. Eventually, the natives go back to their hunting and wish the new moon god luck on his journey.
Still back at square one, the group continues to head up the mountain and makes camp. Flint rolls a 1 on his survival check and positions the groups camp site on the edge of a crumbling cliff side saying that it is perfectly safe.

Watches are set. During the third watch, Caesar hears an explosion in the distance and runs off to the top of a ridge to check what it is. There he see a mine in full production staffed by the natives with evidence of them using dynamite to blow holes in the rock.

Heading back to the unwatched camp, Caesar sees that a mountain goat ram has wondered into camp and is eating the food supplies from one of the bags. Caesar decides that this absolutely cannot stand and bullrushes the ram for a natural 20 while shouting "HAIL CAESAR!!!".

The good news, the ram is sent flying for a good 20 feet and is sent over the cliff. The bad news, the cliff starts collapsing. Luckily everyone wakes up in time and the only thing lost is a compass from one of the packs (Luckily we had a spare).
So we investigate where the rock slide went and found out it crushed most of a small village and it had killed about 20-30 people. Oops. Good thing we were only allowed to kill 100 of these guys before we start taking payment penalties.

Eventually we got out of there and got on with our mission. After tracking where they were taking the silvery ore from the mines we arrived at a large furnace complex where they were melting the unrefined ore into bars of some sort of silvery metal (we all sucked at our Int rolls but we later found out it was platinum). Tae assumes that there must be something in this base and stealths in to look around but only finds more platinum ore. Flint decides to make a distraction for him by standing in a tree under the moonlight while shouting loudly at the natives. This works for a bit before he scares them away by shining a flashlight at them. Tae makes use of this distraction by trying to chloroform one of the solo guards so we could someone interrogate him.

For once he fails at his stealth check and gets put to work in the refinery shoveling ore. Eventually Tae thinks he's had enough and tries to grapple the foremen into submission. Unfortunately for him, Tae is level 10, has 12 strength, and no grapple feats. The foremen is level 8, has 22 strength, and focuses on melee since the natives have no guns. It is a horrible one sided fight. Therefore, Tae decides to pull out his guns and fire.
Caesar and Flint take this as their cue to start shooting, which they do, very enthusiastically because this island is starting to piss them off. Caesar takes down 2 runners and runs to assist Tae who is getting his ass kicked by the foremen.

2 notable crits/fails happen during this fight. After Flint uses up his entire pistol on a guy and doesn't manage to kill him he is forced to punch him and rolls a 20. The books says that Flint somehow manages to to eviscerate the guy with his bare fucking hands, the guy trips on his own guts and breaks his neck. The other is when a mook tried to attack Caesar and rolls a 1. The guys somehow manages to trip and impale his eye on his own spear. If that wasn't enough, he then falls hard enough to break a rib which goes on to sever an artery which causes him to die within seconds. The Critonomican can be pretty brutal.

Tae is eventually rescued and Caesar manages to stabilize one of the guys he shot. The guy is interrogated and finally shows them on a map where they can find Lafayette.
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And so our team finally manages to arrive at the village where Lafayette is. They stamp into town doing away with all stealth because they're pissed off that they've been on this island for 4 days with no sign of progress until now. All the villagers are in their huts. Lafayette sits on a throne is a tribal headdress awaiting the group.

Caesar walks right up within 5 feet and gives him a fear aura. Lafayette starts bullshitting that he's not the real Lafayette and is just a lackey.

And here is where shit starts to get weird.

Caesar decides he's had enough of this shit and starts threatening Lafayette while Tae starts making bullshit bluffs that Lafayette disbelieves in a heart beat. But before Flint can move in to handcuff him, Tae loses his patience and shoots Lafayette in the leg. Lafayette hobbles backwards while Caesar moves forward to make a grapple.

Caesar rolls a 1 and trips. Lafayette gets away. The new problem is that Lafayette is always 1 square too far for us to initiate a grapple on him and we don't want to shoot him. And so begins a benny hill style yackety sax chase.
What is this critonomican you speak of and where can I read it?
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More weird shit happens.

Lafayette keeps yelling at us to leave him alone as we chase him. We get that the only reason he doesn't call the natives for assistance is because he really doesn't want to fight us, especially since he would be the first casualty. Flint finally gets to head him off with a grapple attempt, and rolls another 1.

This time the critonomican says that flint managed to punch Lafayette in the face, dislodging two of his teeth. The teeth sailed up into the air and down Flint's open throat who is forced to spend the next full round coughing in order not to choke to death.

Finally Caesar corners Lafayette again and attempts a grapple, but Lafayette gets to rolls an attack of opportunity. He rolls a 1. Good thing right? No.

The result is that a strange series of events causes the two to switch weapons. Lafayette gets Caesar's machine gun, Caesar gets Lafayette's spear. Pic related.
Holy shit I must reiterate >>20656336

I need this book.
Holy Balls this book is expensive. I don't know where my GM picked it up put it sells for over $100-$300 bucks from what I can find. Probably because they were given only a limited printing run 6 years ago. That isn't right. Other people need to feel my pain. Perhaps I can scan his copy tomorrow.
Anyway getting to the end of our tale. Lafayette starts asking us what the fuck our problem is now that he has Caesar's machine gun and asks us how much we're being payed and the details of the contract. Tae finally manages to make a bluff by 1 and tells him a number that is a lot higher then what we're actually getting. Lafayette offers a deal. Since the UN doesn't actually know what he looks like he'll give us a corpse of some french guy who died a week earlier and we'll just say it's him. He'll even pay us what we would be penalized on our contract. The group agrees.

Lafayette actually turns out to be a pretty cool guy once he drops the god act. He even throws the group a feast and proclaims us his fellow gods, though he's still a bit sore around Tae for shooting him and Flint for knocking out his teeth (though it's nothing a proper doctor couldn't fix). As we leave the island after completing another mission we royally fucked up Lafayette even returns Caesar's machine gun. The guy even added on a scope since Caesar went out of his way to make nice after what happened. So a bunch of shit happened, but in the end we all got payed. And that's all that matters.
Lafayette later said he would contact us if he ever had some dirty job he needed us to do. And that he would have the natives cut down on the platinum refining for a few years to make it look like he died. He was prepared to play the long-term game of waiting a couple years for the heat to die down.
So that's all the tales I currently have. Perhaps I'll have more before this week is over.

I'll see if I can scan a copy of the Critonomican tomorrow, though I'll make a new thread for that.
That book.

I need it.
Jesus, this is marvelous.

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