It is 6:00 AM, the weather outside is fog with light sprinkle.You, an Anon who recently moved to /tg/, is in bed. Before you wake, let's decide what your most defining trait will be.(Going by first even numbered post for suggestion.)
>>28334133Our luxuriant neckbeard, of course.
Our unwavering belief that 4th Ed D&D is the pinnacle of role-playing games.
>>28334133Our dewy-eyed disbelief that their are others like you
>>28334138You arise from your sheets, your luxuriant neckbeard is long enough to go past your shoulders.You are currently hungry and groggy.The room temperature is a tad chilly.
>>28334193This quest is already starting to go places.
>>28334216You go for some meatbread
>>28334216fuck, forgot pic
>>28334216What day of the week is it?
brush your teeth you fool! you just woke up, jeez. morning hygiene.
>>28334320Before your morning meatbread? I don't think so
>>28334232You head over to the kitchen for a breakfast of meatbread.You grab your loaf of wheat bread and began to search your fridge for meat.[YOUR FOOD SUPPLY IS NORMAL][YOUR MEATS ARE:1 PACK OF BACON1 POUND OF GROUND BEEF1 PACK OF SLICED HAM1 PACK OF SAUSAGE LINKS1 LOG OF SUMMER SAUSAGEfrozen chicken nuggets]
>>28334233Dogs shouldn't eat chocolate.
>>28334385Combine all listed meats with wheat bread.
>>28334409OH GOD HOW ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE.at least have some oatmeal or some fruit with that.
>>28334423This is tg, the laws of the outside world don't apply to us.
>>28334385eat the sausage
>>28334385go shopping and get healthy food
>>28334385create MEAT SWORD with your meats
>>28334448You have a sudden epiphany, believing that since this is /tg/, the laws of the outside world doesn't apply to you.
>>28334531If the laws of the outside world don't apply.......maybe that means I can repost my suggestion!>Combine all listed meats with wheat bread.
>>28334531You go do a real life roleplaying with your fa/tg/uy buddies into town, with full costumes and everything
>>28334531juggle the meat
>>28334540if this is correct, then yes. Proceed to put all meat and the loaf of bread into a blender and then bake in some conveniently-shaped-loaf-box.(though please just have one slice)that "believing" feels like its going to be fine print thatll kick us in the teeth later on.
>>28334540[Gonna go ahead and consider 0's even]You place all your meaty contents on the counter.Shouldn't you cook the raw meat before doing anything?
>>28334638The raw meat will be cooked in the oven with the bread, after it has been combined.
>>28334638The laws of the outside world don't apply to is remember?
>>28334650You do as >>28334605 tasked you to do.This will take a while, what do you do in the meantime?
>>28334771Go for a walk, let's see where we live
>>28334771Go rage at some trolls online
>>28334798You decide to go for a walk. You currently live in one of 4chan's many apartment complexes called a THREAD. You reside in a small POST.At the end of the hallway is the elevator for this floor. You are on the second floor.Proceed to elevator?
>>28334926No, we need our sustenance first! We must eat the meat bread before taking on such a dangerous journey.
>>28334990reroll for going back to grab food and then proceeding to elevator
>>28334926You Better arm yourself, it's dangerous out there
>>28334984You proceed to the elevator, and hit the button for the first floor.It seems you're not alone.
>>28335064Start breathing heavily, occasionally moaning
>>28335064Start reciting 40k quotes fervently like:Sphess Mehreens! Today we have......In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war.Burn the heretic, purge the unclean
>>28335078Your breathing and occasional moaning was quick to bother the other Anon.
>>28335146Touch his face and ask"Want sum candy??"
>>28335146Stroke your neckbeard.
>>28335250This is not helping your fellow Anon's disposition.
>>28335382Make eye contact.
>>28335402>uuuUUAGH!(Alright, pausing for now so I can sleep. I'll continue this later.)
>>28335418In that case, you'll probably want this topic to still be here when you get back.
(Back! Glad to see the thread is still alive.)That guy must be late for work, probably too busy to have a small elevator chat.You are now in the thread lobby.
>>28340820Ask the anon at the table where the elf women at.I'd say monstergirls, but our chances of scoring there are low. And it isn't rape if it's an elf.
>>28341040You asked where the elven women are at.>"Not that I know of any in this building. Maybe you should try outside?"
>>28341262We should check on the meatbread before chasing elves.Not eating meatbread is a cardinal sin.
>>28341262Let's look outside then.
>>28341262It must be a ruse.
>>28344458You decided to look outside for Elf women.Which direction to you take?[Your stomache is growling, You are still hungry.][You are still unbathed and ungroomed.][You left your oven on.]
>>28345510[Your stomache is growling, You are still hungry.]To the nearest elven restaurant!Our beard is fine as such, our powerful odor will attract females.
>>28345540Check pockets while sauntering to the Elven diner
>>28345540It's quite a walk away and there are a few hostilities out at this hour, so be careful.The time right now is 6:30.
>>28346147Walk as fast as possible, while tipping our invisible fedora to any lady.
>>28345727Your BOXER BRIEFS do not have pockets. You currently do not hold money at the moment.You continue to saunter on over to the nearest Elven Diner.
>>28346185How are we going to pay without money? We may have to whore ourselves out to luscious elven maiden.
>>28346216We may have to do dishes. I propose that we do them with our neckbeard.
>>28346216If we have any money in our room, we're not going back to get it. We haven't gone back to get our meatbread. If we won't even go back for that, why would we go back for mere coin?>>28346185Though recently arrived to /tg/, we know of the ancient and storied past time of the murderhobo. This is how we will procure our coin. Go into one of the alley ways and await our prey.
>>28346216You very much like this plan of action, fantasizing about it on your way.You have formed a BONER.
>>28348792It seems one of the near by alley ways is preoccupied already. There seems to be something going on there, as you can hear groaning and thumping.
>>28350764Summon all the sneakiness from our beard and go investigate.
>>28350780You decided to carefully sneak in and investigate, keeping a safe enough distance to listen into.It appears some of the lurkers got into a quarrel, let's hear them out.-->Alright, punk, here's the deal.>Starting tomorrow afternoon, you're gonna start coughing up any spending money you have. Or else-
>>28351529>- OR ELSE you'll be getting more than my horn up your ass.
>>28351550>Give him the horn anyways, Charlotte!---Should you really bother with this?
>>28351573Ask them if they saw any elf maiden around.
Rolled 52>>28334133don't feed your fucking dog chocolateOP has -20 ranks in animal handling.my pendulous gonads
>>28351583Someone ought to have some elf bitches, if we ask around enoughinb4 our meatbread negligence burns down our entire thread
>>28351550Bronies confirmed for the worst
>>28351573Ask if we can also have a horn up our ass. We're sort of into that sort of thing.
>>28351746Well, its like a free enema! Nothing like a nice clean colon.
>>28351838But do we really want to take it up the ass from a horsefucker?
>>28351857They are the only one giving it for free.The sexy brown elves charge half a neckbeard for that kind of service.
>>28351875That's a pretty good point, but can we trust the brony not to take advantage of us in our lustful state? Like, what if he shaves off our neckbeard?
>>28351928We can turn it around on them, and charge two elven maidens for it.
>>28351928I doubt they have the required blessed silver razor required for such an operation.
>>28351951You have thoroughly convinced me. After he answers our current question we'll demand a horn up our ass.
>>28351983We could even offer the spaghetti in our backpocket as a tribute.
You asked where the elven maidens be.>Try the nearest diner, there's usually elves working there. They're serving breakfast.Then you proceed to demand the Unicorn girl to shove her horn up your ass. Only her seems weirded out.
>>28352097>Does anyone else smell smoke..?
>>28352123If you horn me in the ass, I can probably deal with the fire.
>>28352123My last room-mate didn't shove her horn up my ass.So I set her on fire.She's so hot.Heh.
>>28352123My bad OPDemand with additional force that the unicorn girl shoves her horn up our ass.
>>28352123IS OUR GLORIOUS NECKBEARD ON FIRE?
>>28352123Crap, the meatbread is on fire. Oh well.Ask again for horn drill up the arse.Then go look for dinner.
We put meat and bread in a blender, threw it in the oven, left, made a man uncomfortable with our mere appearance, ended up wandering the streets in our underwear, demanded an ass-horning from a monstergirl, and our home is now in the process of burning down./tg/
>>28352218It's a thread.-IT DESERVED TO BURN-
This thread is making me want to stick something up my ass.I thought I was a straight male.
>>28352218We're in the process of demanding an ass horning. Technically, she hasn't turned us down yet!
>>28352302Yeah, we have been constipated for a while, so we really need that horning.Who knew that a diet of meat, bread and cheese would constipate you?
>>28352367We should also enjoy all the simple pleasures of life while we can, considering we just burned our thread down along with all of our stuff.
>>28352416>simple pleasures of lifeGood food, a nice thread, elven maiden, a good horning... what else?
>>28352416Well, we believe the laws of the world don't really apply to use, being in /tg/ and all.Asides, there'll be another thread to burn down soon. At least another hour.
>>28352492A good neckbeard stroking and a vigorous game of tabletop (insert your favorite here)
So, how disgusted do you think is OP right now?
>>28352581I'm working on the posts right now, but this is really tame compared to the stuff I look at.
>>28352581He's as disgusted as we are not horny.
>>28352596Well, you're giving this little anon a new fetish, so you've achieved something with this tameness.
>>28352581The mind of the average qm is above and beyond the average fa/tg/uy in terms of eldritch horror
Why is the thought of having a horn shoved into my ass making my prostate itch?This was never one of my fetishes.
>>28352652Except for Angelic/Thorin from Seraph: TC
>>28352711WHOA SHOTS FIREDYou're completely right
>>28352654You must roll for fetish development. It is the way of our people.
(I'm still working on the cutscenes.)I DEMAND TO BE HORNED NOW>No! I'm saving that for the Anon we just beat u-
>>28352792I have laid claim to it, by right of my glorious neckbeard.
>>28352792(fuck, forgot trip. Cutscene still taking place.)HE CAN HAVE SLOPPY SECONDS
>>28352821(Drawing up the rest of the cutscenes, atleast two more.)You got her where you want her. You strip off your underwear and began to do work.
>>28352821WAITIS SHE AN ELFTHIS IS REALLY ILLEGAL IF SHE ISN'T AN ELF
>>28352848BRONYS AREN'T PEOPLEDON'T WORRY, ANON,
>>28352839Stop and make sure she's okay with it. We aren't a rapist, after all.As the original one who suggested asking for the horn, I never asked for this. I wanted nice, consensual, energetic horning from a girl who got off on penetrating men.
>>28352898It's too late. It has already began.
>>28352910Penetration hasn't yet occurred. It doesn't have to be this way.
>>28352790A slight fetish. This could one day develop into yet another lustful desire preventing you from enjoying normal sex with civilized human beings. Congratulations!>>28352821Oh boy. Scream like a howler monkey and begin frothing at the mouth, while glaring menacingly at her compatriots. They must not interfere.
>>28352910I am kinda afraid that the horrific scent will kill her through.
>>28352898She has elf ears. That means that she'll enjoy it. Relax.
>>28352931Not like this.
>>28352921It's already too late for me to enjoy normal sex with civilized human beings.
>>28352839Her face cracks me up every time I look at it
OP, I enjoy the context, execution, and drawfaggery of this thread. Thank you.
I was really enjoying this until SUDDENLY RAPE. I didn't realize that asking for something meant taking it by force.
>>28353021Calm down.It's not like she doesn't want it.Stop worrying.Start thinking rationallyCome on, look at that face.Undeniably, it's consensual.Mostly.
>>28353064You mean the "oh God why" face?
>>28353021We're a creepy neck beard about to impale his ass on a unicorn grille he doesn't know. Take it as being funny.
>>28353107But she's too adorable for me to condone bad things happening to her without her consent.
(Thanks for keeping the thread alive, 1/2)Before you could impale yourself on the magical phallus, you get a swift punch on the side of your face.>GET OFF OF HER!
>>28353204Hey, it's a step up from elf.We went after elf because we thought we couldn't score monster girl. Hah! Look at us now!
>>28353204Look at how determined we are. Look at that sheer animal will. We've already burned our meat bread and our home, don't take this from us
>>28353228Form beardfist from neckbeard and retaliate
>>28353228Offer cyclops a blowjob.
>>28353228Use our skillful neckbeard arguing skills to coerce her into letting us impale ourselves on her horn.
>>28353241We will win her heart at any cost!>seconding beardfist retaliation
>inb4 this is actually happening on another board right now
>>28353228Being unable to stand up to violence, meekly ask if we may be horned after the freshly-pulped anon.
>>28353228Take it square in the mouth. Show no fear.Then>Scream like a howler monkey and begin frothing at the mouth, while glaring menacingly at her compatriots. They must not interfere.
>>28353228(2/2)That hit instigated a battle! Let's RUMBLE.You currently have the ailment of HUNGER, which cuts down your attack and defense power by half.However, depending on Anon's disposition and first battle of the game, you are capable unlocking a secret skill. Since this is your first battle, you will be able to unlock a hunger related skill. If you do not choose now on your current position, you can choose later on another battle with a different ailment/buff.You can either unlock that skill now, or go on with the battle until you decide to.
>>28353296We dare not unlock the skill now. Not when we could wait until we have the ailment of HORNY.
>>28353296>You can either unlock that skill now, or go on with the battle until you decide to.UNLOCK SKILL NOW!DEVOUR THE HARPY GIRL!
>>28353296UNLOCK SKILLROLL FOR INITIATIVE
>>28353296Make sure not to hurt the unicorn girl.
>>28353296Roll to seduce. All of them. With our hunger.
>>28353296Throw our discarded BOXER BRIEFS at the cyclops dude's eye.He hit us first. Best case scenario, it blinds him for the battle and gives him pink eye later. Worst case we lose our underwear. We don't need it anyway.
I am mildly surprised that no one proposed anal vore or beard vore yet.
>>28353296>That battle musicOP, you glorious bastard.
Rolled 1>>28353316>>28353322Two conflicting answers, will roll for decision. Even, You do not unlock the skill now. Odds, you unlock the skill immediately.
>>28353500HUNGER INTENSIFIESLet's do this CoC style, and sexily striptease until they collapse in lust
>>28353500What skill did we unlock? Is the ability to eat foes through our glorious neckbeard?
>>28353500>Kind of cheating here, I think.Speaking as >>28353316, given that there were two options and that there was one non-even vote for unlock skill, I'd say unlocking on odd on 1d5 seems fair.
>>28353500I just got here, and this is crazy, but we're fucking hungry so eat Cyclops-boy maybe?
[1/3]THE SKILL UNLOCKS NOWYour stomache begins to feel sharp pain, like there are new bones being forms, as well the feeling like it's about to split open. Your skin begans to feel tingly and hardening, your fingertips dulling out then sharpening. Beads of sweat roll down your face as you breathe heavily.As your opponents stand there wondering what the hell is happening, your jaw begins to unhinge, and you feel like you can extend your tongue to a longer length. Your teeth are in major pain as they shift and sharpen.Your luxurious neckbeard began to grow as you go through great pain.
>>28353720Oh god.Are we turning into Gluttony?
>>28353720[2/3]Your skin finally hardens a protective carapace, atleast on your body. Your head remains soft and human as ever. Your neck beard has lengthen greatly.Frustrated, you rip off the last of your clothing, your t-shirt, and howled madly as the last of the pain dulls away.Your hunger has become uncontrollable, and mere meatbread won't be able to sate it.
>>28353745Also, you have a mouth formed on your stomache for maximum snacking. That too has a tongue. How do you poop? You'll have to find out on your own time.The battle continues, your foes were temporarily frightened, but more determined to put you down.
>>28353756We can't eat the unicorn or else we won't be able to satiate our anal hunger.
>>28353766Spare the ones who swear obedience to the devourer.And remember, Unicorn blood makes you immortal.
>>28353762>SPECIALDEVOUR THE CYCLOP!
>>28353776This is weakness.Subjugglate them all.HoNk.
>>28353762Try to talk them into a peaceful resolution. Offer to eat the anon they pulped.
>>28353812NO! We shall sate our hunger by eating the cyclop, and then sate our anal hunger with the unicorn.
>>28353839Only if she consents!
>>28353812I really don't think a peaceful resolution is possible.We walked in with no pants, asked about elves, demanded Charlotte penetrate us with her horn, nearly horn-raped her, and now we just turned into some kind of all hungry unholy horror.I'm sorry, friend. I think we have passed the event horizon. There is no peaceful resolution now.Captcha: dsmkufa aroseI think Captcha is telling us that we have become an avatar for some elder god.
>>28353877I'm still angling for Charlotte to willingly horn us. My dick requires it.
>>28353839>>28353861Only if she consents.
>>28353893This is getting more /d/ by the minute!
>>28353896>>28353861She is almost an elf, so it's not required.
>>28353893It's a possibility that she has gotten more into us.She is on /tg/ after all. You get a new fetish every time you visit. God knows how many she has already.
>>28353910It is not required, but I desire it all the same.
>>28353931>Consent fetishWhat the fuck is WRONG with you!?
>>28353924We can only hope.
>>28353942If you don't have that one, you clearly haven't been here that long.I also wouldn't mind holding her hand or even hugging her on a cold winter night.
>>28353970But if our face gets close to hers we'll smell our own anus
>>28353970...damn you, now I want somebody to cuddle with in the dark, cold night...
>>28353776You offer to spare them if they swear obedience to you.They reject, in fear you will devour them anyway.>>28353812You offer to spare them if they let you eat the Anon they pulped.They agree and run off.[VICTORY]Your only prize is the beaten Anon.What do you do with him?
>>28353910Actually, she looks like a Satyr with a unicorn horn and elf ears.Do we have any rules for that?
>>28353984I'm pretty lucky in that regard with my wife. D-cups are like tiny furnaces.
>>28353992Become best friends.Let him impale us.
>>28353992Steal his money and devour him.Then track horny girl for our horny time.
>>28353992Eat him, but keep a bit. Might clone him. Infinite meals.
>>28353992Demand he work with us to acquire charlotte. Or else.He has his own reasons to go after her anyway.
>>28354008>wanting big breastsA cup or below
>>28354008Too big for me. I like B or smaller.
>>28354057Yes it is, fa/tg/uy. Yes it is.
>It's not rape if it's an elf>It's not gay if it's an elfDoes the combination of these two things mean that, if I am fucked in the ass by a male elf without giving consent, it is not rape and I am not allowed to feel bad about it? And that I'm still straight?
>>28354134Yeah, as long as the balls don't touch.
>>28354156If the balls touch, is it rape, or just gay?
>>28354162It becomes gay and you may decide to call it rape, if you are that much of a pussy.
Thank you for this thread, /tg/. I haven't laughed this much over something on here in weeks. Also,>>28353992Find out what the gang wanted from him and how he got into that situation. Then force him to serve you under the threat of being devoured.
>>28354230This man gets it.We need a henchman.Even if we already decided to devour this guy, we need us a henchman.
>>28354230I infer from the fact that they are all monsters that they are some sort of rebellious monster gang going around beating people up for money.I update my journal
>>28354230let the minion off the hook if he offers us food. Delicious sustenance we demand.
>>28353992Go back to apartment, devour meatbread. After devouring poor anon, while regretting not getting horned.Also, do we still have an erection?
So, priorities:>Devour poor anon>Find unicorn bitch and make her horn us>???
>>28354373>"Do we still have an erection?"/tg/ asks the important questions.
>>28354397Add henchman to that list.We need a partner in crime. Even if he is unwilling.
>>28354373I think our threat is burning.Lets take the poor anon's money, go to the elven dinner and then eat an elf.
>>28354417Why not simply recruit the monstergang? Cyclops can keep watch and hench for us while Charlotte horns us and Harpy nibbles our ear.
>>28354436Someone draw this.
>>28354436We're not focusing on the bigger picture here, people. We're a newly mutated... er, mutant... with an insatiable hunger (for food AND horn), and right now there's only one of those we can satiate. Food and existential crisis first. Pussy and henchmen later.
(Back. Wowee, do I have some suggestions. I won't be choosing all, but the first one and this other one.)It is 7:30 AM, the fog lifts up. It is still a cloudy day.>>28354018You close in on your prize, unhinging your jaw and planting your tongue on his teary cheek as he sobs and shivers. Just when your teeth touches his flesh, he begins to beg.>NO! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING->>28354230>>28354304You gave your demand: He serves you or he gets devoured.The young Anon agrees.
>>28354489For an existential crisis, I think we've taken it pretty well."AAAAAAAAAAHHHHhhhhhoooohhhh god that felt painful. Say, you guys wanna work for me?""Uh, we're good dude.""Well, hm, how 'bout I eat that guy you just beat up, and you let me go free?""Deal."If we really cared, we'd be screaming, clawing at how chest mouth to see if it was real, spewing profanities, and screaming to the sky for answers to questions like "what the fuck just happened" "what's wrong with me" "what did I do to deserve this."We probably suspected this power was within us all this time. It's only now just manifested itself.
>>28354551go to the elven dinner then!
>>28354575Oh, well, we have a minion now. Let's have Sobby McBitchtits buy us dinner.
>>28354551It's 7:30 am and we have yet to devour something. We need to fix this. We need to eat meat. Maybe some bread on the side for fiber but delicious meat.
>>28354551>Monstergang escaping in the backgroundB-but my waifus!
>>28354575>We probably suspected this power was within us all this time. It's only now just manifested itself.Roughly twelve hours ago:>>28334605>that "believing" feels like its going to be fine print thatll kick us in the teeth later on.
>>28354586And plot the hunting for waifus. Does our chitin give us any wall-climbing or other 'Nid powers? 'Cause we're totally a weird biomorph at this point.
Once we are done eating, that will leave us horny? What will happen if we get into a fight while horny?
>>28354591Yup. Elven dinner.Then he will help us hunt Charlotte.Our house is toast, too (heh). We'll have to crash at his place.>>28354617Later, mein freund.
>>28354668Let's just call him Ghoul. I mean, seriously. We Tzimisce now.
>>28354551Go check on your meatbread.
Your post has been on fire since one hour ago. All your belongings, food supply and money savings are gone. The fire was put out before the thread was burned down.You are now broke and homeless.>>28354586You take your new minion over to the Elven diner for his first task: Treat you to breakfast.You two take a booth, and you explain to him that you need to find Charlotte after you eat.>Those assholes? I'd be happy enough to show you where they live. Fuckers took all my money this morning. We share the same lurking facility.
>>28354866You see, Charlotte....I need her inside me. She seemed eager enough to be inside you, but that's not what I need. I need her inside me.
>>28354866Wait.Shit.He doesn't have the money.Looks like it'll be a dine n' dash guys. We should probably tell him this.We also should ask him about his domicile. We need a place to live and get horned by Charlotte.
>>28354866>>28354918Order, and attempt to seduce the elven waitress with our now even more magnificent neckbeard.
>>28354866Request charlotte's location, and warn him you'll have to dash right after eating.
>>28354918Naw, don't tell him. If you both run, they might catch you. Besides, what good is having a minion that you can't ditch as a patsy who can be forced to perform manual labor to pay off your dine n' dash tab?
>>28354947Or we could eat the waitress instead.
>>28354933Flip that charm on.Again, this is /tg/, our horrible physical abnormalities could actually boost our attractiveness.We don't know how many dudes Charlotte has horned already. Couldn't hurt to mess around a little.Also, clitic merciless.
>>28354982We need him to guide us to their lurking facility. If we ditch him or eat him, we need to find somebody else. Even if we asked him for directions and got rid of him, that's no guarantee: we're new here. We could get lost.We're in it together with this poor bastard now. I wonder how long it will be until he loses his sanity.
>>28355042Oh, I wasn't suggesting we ditch him entirely. A patsy is important to a successful unbelievable horror that should not be.We'll come get him. After he works off our dinner.
>>28354918>>28354982>I know that look on your face. If you dine and dash without me, I won't be able to help you out.He whispers over to you, in a slight harsh tone. You threaten to devour him right here and now if he doesn't watch his tone. He shuts up, but still furrows his brow at you.
>>28355081Try to seduce the elven waitress using our neckbeard.
>>28355081Browse the menu.
>>28355057I guess we could dash and leave him there.It isn't like we need to catch Charlotte right this very instant.We could go murder some hostiles, see if we can get some sweet loot. Come back for the dude later, have him take us to his place at the lurking facilit (I have the impression he lives there). Then we can spy on Charlotte at night like the creepy neckbeard we are.
>>28355081Is there a tab system at this place?Please tell me there's a tab system at this place.If there isn't, dine n' dash, the both of us. We can kill shit together and form a bond as battle brothers, eventually collecting enough money to pay our bill. And maybe get some clothes in the process.
"Mornin' fellas, here's yer menus! I'll come back in a bit for yer order. Didya want coffee-"
>>28355247Yes. Black, no sugars.
>>28355100>Coffee would be SWELL~
>>28355247i-is it free?
>>28355247Yes, black. Gimme some sugar, if you know I mean
>>28355259".. Alrightie, I'll be right back with yer coffee."She hurries back to the counter to fetch the pot of coffee.
>>28355269>>28355259Is our beard like a kitsune's tail(s) and the more[?] we have, the more power we have? Anyway, inspect menu.
>>28355269Do you come here often?
>>28355269it totally worked
>>28355269Yes.Yeeeessssssss.Behold, the power of the neckbeard!
>>28355269Pull her head into the neckbeard and let her enjoy heaven.
>>28355258>>28355259>>28355269>get to work five minutes late today due to a fire in someone's post>my drow bitch of a boss chews me out and says to not bother coming in if I'm late again>Regular who is a notoriously bad tipper is the first customer of the day>second is an eldritch abomination from beyond the pale>with the most hypnotically beautiful neck fluff>Want to touch the neck fluff>want to wrap myself in the neck fluff>have to excuse myself.
>>28355269Glorious beard won victory aside, we should talk to our mate here about how we're going to pay for this. Or even if we are.We also need to figure out where this guy lives. We need a place to stay.
>>28355269she wants to touch the moth mane
>>28355282Your beard appears to be more like fluffy mane. You can feel growth coming from the top of your chest, too.This menu contains stuff you would normally see in any diner, but with more bread and fruit choices. There's plenty of meaty morsels on here, but since you are incredibly hungry, you plan on ordering fucking everything.>>28355284Oh, you are so saving that when she brings your coffee.>>28355344>I think my place got burnt down."That smoke came out of your post?">Yeah."What did you do?!">Left my oven on. I don't think I'll be able to live there anymore.>Hey, you know what! I'll stay at your place."I don't really have a choice, do I?">Nope!You already had decided to do a dine and dash, and use your new minion as a patsy.
>>28355269Wait a sec, what if its a dude? Elf male and females are pretty similar.
>>28355527Who cares?>>28355525We'll take a blat sandwhich.
>>28355525He said he wouldn't help us if we ditched him with the bill. Even if he can't help us this moment, we still get to collect him later, right?Also, what's his name? If he doesn't have one, we need to name him.
>>28355525Order bacon with a side of bacon with a light bacon glaze. And Milk, because milk does a body good.
>>28355585Anonymous, you shite.
>>28355585well he can help us in the dine and dash by splitting the party. Catch 2 hares and catch neither they say. Having him dine and dash with us only increases the chances of our success.Just make sure to get his license before we depart so we know where he lives.
>>28355626>And Milk, because milk does a body good.Might as well ask her to pee in her mouth. This is disgusting.Orange juice or GTFO.
>>28355649>ask her to pee in his mouthThat's for later anon, after we've captured her heart with our silky hypnotic moth mane
>>28355321>>28355321>Dumb cocktarget hashwench comes in late>Chew her out for it>Up all night bawling because scumbag half-ogre boytoy knocked me up>Can't abort; the seed is strong>Parents will disown me, probably can't keep my job.>Hate hashwench for not being used goods>Pray to Lolth for retribution
>>28355626>drinking regular milk>not drinking chocolate milk, glorious nectar of the gods
>>28355825>Some dumb bitch gets double knocked up>prays to me instead of taking some initiative in her own life>laugh silently>send a little more strife her way>today her little greasy spoon will become a stage for the strange and unreal>set magic TiVo to record the ensuing chaos>Throw back another Irish Trashcan>go back to drunkenly attempting to seduce Robert Downy Jr.>want to see if he's just called Iron Man because of the suit.>Life is good for Lloth
>>28355896>Spider woman wants the D(owny Jr.)>Try to convince her I only played a character in a movie>Think she really thought I wad Iron Man>Cover my ignornce with wit and charm because I' Robert Goddamn Downy Jr.
>>28355872>adding foul chocolate to the most delicious bacon companion availableMilk needs no additives, as they only detract from its overall perfect deliciousness score. Nothing better than a frosty glass of fresh milk.
>>28355949Maybe... but it has to be damn fresh.Still loaded with life nourishing fat.
Bump for OP's return.
This is best thread.>become tedBftCaptcha has bestowed our new title.
>>28358511Bump for oddly similar reasons and to order a bacon sandwich.
>>28359210Never have I read a thread which has made me laugh harder than this one.'Tis glorious.
Your elf waitress returns and pours you both coffee.>Do you come here often?"Every day, sugar.">>28355626You tell her you want an order of bacon with a side of bacon with a light bacon glaze, and a glass of milk.>Alright, and what did you friend want?
>>28363282Oh yeah, what did he want? Should you bother with telling his order?
>>28363282>>28363299YOU'RE BACK! GET HYPE.Order for him. He is our peon.
>>28363299He will take nothing.We should check if that elf is female before brutally bearding her.
>>28363299He wants some time to think it over while he drinks his coffee.This way we can eat and run without raising... TOO much suspicion.
>>28363519I don't want that his tiny elven balls accidently touch our beard.
>>28363548An elf is an elf is an elf.
>>28363548I agree with >>28363519, >>28363567Besides, judging from the above posts she's clearly a she, given the female pronoun and she appears to be wearing a skirt.
Welcome back, OP. This is the best quest thread in a while.
>>28363670>Besides, judging from the above posts she's clearly a she, given the female pronoun and she appears to be wearing a skirt.With elves you never know until its too late.
The waitress does indeed have female traits, and you made sure to double check as she heads off to give your order.While you wait, is there anything you want to ask/talk about with your minion?
>>28363932Ask him what he thinks about your neckbeard. How would he describe it? Would he like to touch it?
>>28363932Order him to grow a neckbeard.
>>28363932Obtain our minions license so we may know his dwelling spot.
>>28363952>Kid."What?">What do you think about my neckbeard? What would you describe it?"U-uh.. Fluffy? More like, neck fluff.">Would you like to touch it?"I'm afraid you'd b-bite my hand off if I got close to you."
>>28364087Don't be afraid. I only eat pretty thing.
>>28363932>Be drow bitch boss>Leave work early>Drive over to /pol/>Daytime drinking at seediest bar possible
>>28364087If he doesn't want to touch it, it will touch him.
>>28364087Fear not, my unwilling compatriot!I need you with hands. You can't wash dishes with a bloody stump.
>>28363932Making an armless elf work yhe grill? Mods! Somebody call the mods!
>>28364188You grab the boy and force him over the table, both one of his hands and his head into your incredible neck fluff.>>28364218>Fear not, my unwilling compatriot!>I need you with hands. You can't wash dishes with a bloody stump."Wait, what-">Nothing~!
>>28364418Now, get closer to him and whisper into his ear: "Roll for anal circumference."
>>28364418Try to flex our neckbeard and/or cause bishi sparkles.
>>28364418Shh shh shh. It's okay. The rules of reality don't apply to us.
>>28364418Let's act like this is an erp general, anon
>>28364418Once we're done scaring him yet somehow arousing him with our luxuriant fluffy neckbeard, we need his information.We also need to make a secret handshake before we dash. These things are important.
>>28334407I was going to say that
>>28364514>Let's act like this is an ERP general, Anon~"W-WHAT?!">>28364586Yes, once you're done doing just that. But first, some fun!
>>28364620Whisper sweet nothings about your fetishes to his ear quietly while you wait for your order, pretending nothing has happened once the waitress has arrived.
>>28364620Try to stall him until your neckbeard infects him.
>>28364620Let's not horrify our minion. This doesn't need to get weird(er).
>>28364620lick his face.
>>28364712At this point, things won't get any more normal.So lets just infect him.
>>28364667This.Right now he is a mere lurker. But we shall slowly spur the growth of his neckbeard.
>>28364748Unlock skill number 2: slave barbs.Like the red tarantula, we scratch at our glorious neckbeard, breaking free bits of hair which, when separated from the Mothermass, grow sharp and rigid. When they pierce the skin of our victims, the burrow into the bloodstream and dissolve, infecting them with a mind-controlling serum that mekes them servants to the beard.
>>28364839So...we become hypno?
>>28364712It's too late now, people are watching.
>>28364913Might as well go all the way now.
>>28364913Continue while looking at them straight in the eyes.
>>28364913>>28364933>>28364940while holding hands with him <3
>>28364913Make sure they know you like being watched.
>>28364940B-but we might offend the elven maiden!Fuck, who am I trying to fool? She thinks this is hot
>>28364940Don't forget to smile.
>>28364913Is that Katya fucking Mannagin?
>>28364971So we should continue to show her what is going to happen to her soon.
>>28364987No, it's the guy from the "Here She Is" flashes.
>>28364940>>28364966You look at them straight dead in their eyes, while grasping his wrist and holding a hand down at his back to keep him from breaking away.The Elven waitress' cheeks are turning red, you clearly are doing something right.
>>28365163Invite her to join.
Please include "Quest" in your subject field so that you can be filtered. Thanks.
>>28365182No, this is between us and him.
>>28365163Continue giving her the most seductive smile you can manage
>>28365163Continue waiting for your food. Don't break eye-contact.
>>28365187>Not finding this thread amazingStay pleb, asshole.
>>28365268Don't be like that.
>>28365187>Not loving this questStay peasent, anus.
>>28365187This is one of the times I'm glad someone left quest out of the subject.
>>28365320Huh, seems I accidentally deleted the second part.>I normally filter quests, too.
>>28365163Cough a little and ask for the coal. We are gonna make diamond through our anus and use it as payment for the food.
>>28365182"Not durin' work hours, hun.."Yet she's flushed. You keep your eyes on her and continue to hold the Anon close.>>28365187(Sorry, go ahead and hide this thread and I'll do that for the next thread.)
>>28365714Ask her when her shift finishes.Also, try and remember as much of the social and cultural mores as possible.
>>28365714keep cuddling with our minion.
>>28365714So quit. We'll take care of you. Anon here has a perfectly nice post.
>>28365714Ask her to quit this rotten job and become our follower.(what is the quest name? Shouldn't we archive this?)
>>28365714Reliquish him from our glorious neckbeard. No need to tease her too much.We should get her number though. Ask when she's on break. Doesn't hurt to have a friend at the local diner. She probably sees all sorts of people, and could give us scraps to satiate our ravenous hunger.
>>28365714I can't believe this is still going. I have become hype.>>28365753Seconding.
>>28365753But what about Charlotte?Is she just a horn to us?
>>28365897Yes. Yes, she is.
>>28365897>>28365925B-butWe still need to be horned
>>28365935Our neckbeard will overcome all boundaries, ensuring our success in all of our ventures.
>>28365744You fully drag your minion to your side of the table and hold him in your lap, knocking over your cups of coffee in the process.You patiently wait for your bacon.You also wish this kid would stop shuddering and quietly sobbing.
>>28365935Are you saying that we are horny?
>>28365972Lick his bald head until bacon arrives.This is very strange, but fascinating.
>>28365972Wait for the food.
>>28365972Please continue to do the things you are doing.
>>28365972Whisper in his ear,>Calm down, everything's going to be alrightthen proceed to lick the back of his head
>>28365925If we can actually get the elf girl to come with us, then we probably should tell her about our quest to get horned. You know, so she doesn't misunderstand our intentions when we try to shove Charlotte's horn up our ass.
>>28365972Lick him suggestively with both mouths to make him feel appreciated.And to taste him. You know. In case.
>>28365972I think it would be appropriate to ask at this point.Not too long ago, we achieved status effect BONER. Is that still active?
>>28366051This... is a good question.
>>28366212If we still have one...we know what to do.
>>28366006You continue to have your hold on the boy,>>28366008You lean in close and whispered this into his ear:>Calm down, everything's going to be alright..Then you proceeded to lick him. He shivers more and whimpers in fear.>>28366051You are too hungry to even notice your boner is trapped behind a slate of carapace.
>>28366242Ask him his goddamn name.
>>28366242>You are too hungry to even notice your boner is trapped behind a slate of carapace.We should engage in battle the orc gentlemen and use our BONER status to unlock a new form.Also, whisper to our follower that its alright, we are a trained professional.
>>28366242Check on our waitress.What is the expression on her face.
>>28366270If he answers Anon, I propose calling him Mr. A, or Chubbles.
>>28366270i second this, as you shake salt onto his head.
>>28366271Yes I agreed about it. We shall use our boner to bone the orc gentleman!
>>28366242Whisper that his tears are delicious, while glancing at the elf waitress.
>>28366270>What's your name, boy?"A-anonymous.."A common name.>>28366274You check to see if the waitress is either looking still or coming with your food.1/2
>>28366561>we're pouring salt on him
>>28366561Shit, she's not looking."WHY ARE YOU SALTING MY HEAD?!"
>>28366580Its good for your skiiiiiiin.Now lets go fight the orcish gentlemen or the cat.
>>28366580"To give you protection against the witch my dear Watson. Without the salt, the witch will rape you with their futa dick."
>>28366602>IT RUBS THE SALT ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN>>28366580To protect you from the elf. They get rather frisky, but salt turns them off.
>>28366580Because. I can, now what was I saying A-san?
>>28366561We need something to distinguish him.Make a mental note; find a way to spur the growth of this boys neckbeard.We should just call him Sobby McBitchtits. When he is no longer such a bitch, he can uprgrade.
>>28366897>We need something to distinguish him.Or we could write the letter A in permanent marker on his head.
>>28366913>implying other anons wouldn't have already done thisNo, we'll have him grow a beard
>>28366913I think it makes sense that our followers should be endowed with neckbeards. After all, our neckbeard is our distinguishing feature, and our followers (willing or not) should strive to emulate their glorious leader.
>>28366602>Its good for your skiiiiiiin.1/3
>>28367162You shove your minion aside and stood up.>Stay put, gotta deal with something real quick.2/3
>>28367182You head over to the orc, grabbing him by the blazer and getting in his face.>YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME WRONG. GOT A PROBLEM, PUNK?"Am just checkings to see if thats was schoolmate you weres molestings! It looks like same emblems and blazers!"Oh, this punk is just asking for trouble.3/3
>>28367209Politely inform him that you were not molesting the boy.Just fun between good friends.
>>28367209Stop attacking himHis accent is too cute.
>>28367209Are we about to beat up Toki in orc form?
>>28367209Pull out the... BONER!!!!!
>>28367291Hopefully not.We might lose favor with the elf girl who likes our neckbeard. I mean, it isn't rape if it's an elf, but still.And we also don't want to get blood in our neckbeard.
(on page 9, we ough to make a new thread and archive this.)
>>28367354Alright, making a new thread. Anon who likes this quest but usually have QUEST filtered, go ahead and unfilter it if you want to continue reading.