Rolled 1

>>30980009
Kill everything in the cave

>>30980090
Oh shit

>>30980009
Cut out the middleman of the GM's CUNNING AND DEVIOUS moral quandary and prestige class into blackguard.

>>30980119
Forgot the roll but conveniently someone rolled a 1 before me so it's moot.

>>30980153
Sorry, I'd totally see him go black guard than die, but hopefully this will be amusing

>>30980090

You step through the threshold into the caverns. The only thing you can hear is the distant drip-drops of water, and the wind softly howling through cracks in the ceiling. If you were to be honest with yourself, it's fucking spooky.

The entrance to the dungeon slams shut behind you, leaving you trapped in almost complete darkness - the only light is the thin shafts that manage to squeeze through the cracks overhead.

You feel a wet fog caress your cheek - and then intense pain, as the 'fog' strips your skin from your bones. Acid!

Screaming, you fall to the ground, your armor cracking apart from the impact, as it has been corroded into fragile rust. From the darkness ahead of you, two massive eyes gleam, and a row of shining teeth shine in the darkness.

You have been slain by a dragon.

Please be patient as a new character is loaded...

>>30980009

You are a SPY, sitting uncomfortably on the window sill of a foreign dignitary's hotel room. From here, you can hear some really pitiful attempts at pillow talk. No wonder the logs indicate that the guy's marriage is falling apart.

You've been assigned by the Generican government to assassinate this man, and steal the artifact he has in his briefcase. You figure the fact the boss called it an 'artifact' and not just an item means it's gotta be something pretty important.

Unsheathing your knife, you lift it up and prepare to kick in the window and slaughter the fatass ambassador, when you hear the door inside be kicked open. Seconds after, a bloody crossbow bolt whizzes through the window and past your ear.

Seems like someone has beat you to the job.

What do you do?

>>30980413
Kill witnesses, fuck hot enemy spy, take artifact

Rolled 5

>>30980445
Whoops typed wrong roll stuff

>>30980445

You smash open the window and somersault into the garishly decorated hotel room. You come to a stop right in front of the ambassador's body, who has a remarkably clean hole in his third chin where the crossbow bolt went through.

The wife is being held against the wall by the enemy spy, who is a curvaceous and vaguely Sandabian lookin' woman, and who also happens to be a bit stunned by your arrival. To your right, you can see two goons fiddling with the ambassador's briefcase.

Before any of them can react, you throw two knives at the goons, impaling them against the wall, and in one smooth motion, unholster your pistol and fire two shots as you spin in place, headshotting both the wife and the spy. Kill all witnesses, after all.

You step over the bodies of the goons to get to the briefcase. There's a complicated lock on it, and it looks pretty old. You pick up the briefcase and grunt as you realize it's damned heavy. It'll be a bitch to carry out.

Looking around, you realize you have a bit of time before anyone's due to show up. Something comes over you, to "fuck the hot enemy spy". You figure, hey, why not. Unzipping your pants, you saunter over to the body of the hot enemy spy, and have your way with it for a while. Oh, who are you kidding, even when they're dead you don't last very long.

After your sexy time with the spy, you zip back up and pick up the briefcase.

Now what?

Rolled 6

>>30980625
Open briefcase yourself, use it to become a flying murder god

>>30980658
You should have growled "I'm Batman"

Rolled 6

>>30980684
That woulda been a good addition, wish I'd thought of it

>>30980658

You examine the lock for a bit. There's a complicated series of glyphs, ancient runes, and other eldritch lookin' shit on it. You puzzle over it for a bit, then smack the hell out of it with the butt of your pistol. After a few minutes, the lock pops off, and the briefcase falls open.

Out of the briefcase a small knife tumbles out onto the ground. It's ornately carved, covered with channels and rivulets that form intricate spiraling patterns, each leading into the hilt. Interesting. You pick it up, and -

Your head immediately throbs. The spirals on the blade seem to pulse, almost as if they were veins in an arm. You collapse to your knees, overcome by the nausea. Trying to let go of the knife is futile - it's like your hand is superglued to it.

After what feels like a lifetime of fighting against a complete blackout, the sensation subsides, and the weight on your mind is lifted. In fact, you feel good. REALLY good.

You hear someone running down the hallway towards the hotel room. Someone to kill. As they near the door, you stand up, unfolding back to your full height. Before the cop can even turn his head to look into the room, you dash forward, and slash him into pieces. Blood runs through the channels of your knife into the hilt, and you feel a sense of euphoria as the knife laps up the carnage.

Turning to your right, you see the rest of the SWAT team looking on in horror, as you stand a midst a man who just violently exploded into giblets before their eyes.

What do you do?

Rolled 1

>>30980810
Growl "I'm bat man motherfuckers" and escape

>>30980864
Nice. On the bright side, atleast you really are not batman. On the downside...
Yeah.

>>30980864

You look to the SWAT team and growl out in your best impersonation of the Batman, "I'm BATMAN motherfuckers!" You turn from them and dash back into the hotel room, narrowly dodging their barrage of bullets.

Leaping over the bodies strewn about on the floor, you land on the windowsill, and look out over the city... YOUR city. GOTHAM.

"I AM THE NIGHT!" You shout, as you leap off of the windowsill and spread your cape. Unfortunately, you don't have a cape, so you don't so much as "glide" as "fall with style".

Loading new character... Please be patient....

>>30980009

You are a GUNSLINGER, a reckless outlaw who slings guns, or something like that. You are currently riding your valiant steed, Potoooooooos, towards a stagecoach carrying a metric fuckton of gold. You unholster your gun, and prepare to heist.

What do you do?

Rolled 2

>>30981013
Stop the train with a single bullet

Rolled 6

>>30981013
We commit to the heist, in a chivalrious manner. "Excuse me mam. are you aware there are criminals hereabouts?"
We imperson the LAWWWHHH

>>30981051

Just ahead of the trail you and the stagecoach are positively blazing down, you sight a train crossing - and in the distance, a train barreling down the tracks. A plan forms in your sun-baked mind - a genius one, you're sure of it.

Hoisting your gun, you look through its iron sights towards the track, aiming for a railspike - and after a trepidacious few seconds, you finally sight one. With a single shot, you knock the railspike up a bit, just enough to slam into the wheels of the train. The train groans as one side lifts off the ground, and then crashes, still barreling down the tracks. The carriages of the train are torn apart by the force of the impact, and the entire train is derailed from the tracks in no time.

The stagecoach turns quickly to avoid the path of the crashed train, and you seize the chance.

>>30981072

"M'am!" You shout to the stagecoach. A second later, the window of the coach opens, revealing the beautiful daisy belle passenger. "A criminal has waylaid the train! Allow me to accompany you, and defend your stagecoach!"

The stunned woman nods quietly and quickly, before closing the window again. Now you have a fortune within your grasp, and a pretty lass. Truly you've struck gold.

What do you do now?

Rolled 4

>>30981187
Tip your hat, and flirt with the lass

>>30981256

You tip your ten-gallon hat in the general direction of the stagecoach.

"M'lady, you look positively resplendent today," You say to the window, hoping she can hear inside. You wait a bit for the compliment to sink in, then continue. "I'm euphoric that I am given the opportunity to protect you today." Again, no response.

You don't think your flirting is working.

Rolled 2

>>30981413
Ascend spontaneously to Buddhahood, escape samsara, and become a revered teacher to other seekers of enlightenment.

File: 1395449630659.jpg-(179 KB, 500x747, dandy buddha.jpg)

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>>30981476

As you wait for her response, you realize you weren't just flirting. Truly, in this moment, you are euphoric. The sensation of pure pleasure and satisfaction pervades your being - and then it gives way, to something seemingly more hollow, but in fact, more meaningful.

From her stagecoach, the belle watches, at first in horror, as you float off your horse and begin to pour light from every office. Your skin glows golden, as the shackles of the samsara are stripped from your soul.

The stagecoach, the woman, the gold... it's all meaningless. You have found something more. You have found liberation. Meaning.

Enlightenment.

You land on the ground, your faithful horse Potoooooooos waiting by your side as you stand back up, the golden light fading. You swing onto the saddle of your horse, and ride away from the coach, the train, and the greed that they represent.

Over the following few years, you spread your wisdom and teachings to the various bordertowns of the Generican wild west. In your wake, crime rates plummet, schools are founded, churches spring up from the sands. Soon, you have legions of followers tracing your every footstep. You manage to evade them. Your path is one of solitude.

It is now years later. You are wizened, older, and currently sleeping underneath an overhang of rock, with Potooooos resting nearby.

You hear footsteps on top of the rock outreach, and the murmur of voices - and your name.

What do you do?

Rolled 5

>>30981603
With your task completed, pass on from this life and become one with the Dharma.

>>30981678

The people above you matter not. Everything matters not. You breathe out - but take no effort to take the breath back. You let the life slip from your mortal guise, and sink into the infinite everything.

You have won.

Please be patient... loading next character...

Rolled 2

>>30981678
Take the horse with me.

>>30980009

You are a SCOUT. You are currently piloting the crappiest spacefaring vessel known to man, known affectionately as the Shindig, and struggling not to crash land in the Plantetian jungles below you.

You've been sent to Plantet alongside the rest of your crew to act as the first explorers on a vibrant and life-rich planet. But, your ship suffered a malfunction, and you are the only person - as far as you're aware - who escaped alive. Though, that 'alive' part may be ending soon, as your little skipper of a shuttle is having a damn hard time finding a place to land in this overgrown hellhole of a planet.

You're running low on fuel. If you don't figure out how to make a safe landing quick, you're going to crash and burn. What do you do?

Rolled 5

>>30981822
strip into your underwear and parachute into the middle of the forest

>>30981949
sorry, jungle

>>30981949
You decide that if you're going to die, you're gonna die with style. You don't even know if the atmosphere is breathable, but FUCK it. You strip down to your tighty whities - don't judge me you sanctimonious bastard, I like the snugness - and grab your parachute. Kicking open the door, the howling winds buffet you and almost know you off your feet, but you manage to hold on just barely. Seeing as you haven't died immediately, at least the air isn't corrosive. You take a deep breath, strap on the parachute, and leap out of the shuttle. Good riddance, Shindig.

The wind against your naked skin actually feels kinda nice, if you weren't plummeting to your likely death that is. You pull the parachute cord at the appropriate time, but alas, gravity here seems to be a bit larger than usual - so you slam bodily into the dense canopy, scraping the shit out of your body against the sandpaper-coarse 'bark' of the 'trees'. They're oddly spongy, and the 'leaves' are actually more like bubbles, so you don't die on impact at least.

You're now hanging about five meters off of the ground, tangled up in your parachute. What do you do?

Rolled 2

>>30982080
Cut the parachute, land on your feet and walk away like a badass

Rolled 4

>>30982080
try to pop a leave-bubble with your erection

>>30982104
You whip out your machete - where you were keeping it is none of the audience's business - and cut the wires of the parachute. You fall to the ground and... bounce. Apparently the 'grass' on Plantet is springy.

>>30982108
You sight an nearby bubbleaf. Overcome by curiosity, and a bit of horniness, you jam your erection into it. It feels oddly pleasant.

The rest of this scene is available exclusively on /d/.

After your little escapade with the leaf bubble, you clean up as best you can, and look around. You're surrounded only by the bouncy trees. What now?

Rolled 5

>>30982163
Hack away at the trees and grass to fashion bouncy shoes for transportation.

>>30982278

You exquisitely carve the best fucking Moonshoes that you've ever laid your eyes on. Bouncy shoes + bouncy ground = the bounciest mode of transportation ever. It's like you're constantly on a trampoline.

As you bounce giddily up and down, you sight some movement in the distant bushes. A lifeform?

How do you respond?

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Rolled 3

>>30982362

>>30982398

You leap and bound over to the movement in the bushes. With a kick against the ground, you launch yourself into the air, then plant a grassy boot into the creature's closest approximation of a face. You send the thing flying across the bouncy ground, where it tumbles and sproings to a stop.

It looks vaguely like a panther, vaguely like a cockroach, and predominantly like a venus fly trap. So, 100% fucking terrifying, to put it mildly.

The thing looks angry, and begins to paw at the ground with its seven legs, red juice dripping from its open maw.

Jesus christ now what

Rolled 3

>>30982362
Wave to it, we have no reason to think it hostile

Rolled 2

>>30982517
Challenge it to blackjack, fashion a warhorn to summon hookers.

Rolled 6

>>30982509
Suggest blackjack back at the ship, it probably survived what-with the planet being made of rubber. Lead the way

Rolled 5

>>30982539
Strip blackjack to be exact

>>30982517
>>30982539
>>30982557
>>30982559


You wave at the creature. You realize that's not likely to work, as it's a completely alien creature with no knowledge of human mannerisms, and you're an idiot and you're going to die oh god why -

The creature reluctantly waves back. Then says "Hi".

Uh....

"You.... down for a game of blackjack? Strip blackjack, to be precise." The creature looks incredulous - you realize that it literally has no clothes. "Oh, guess not."

"I'd be 'down for this 'blackjack'." The pantheroach says, smiling with its fly trap mouth. "But only if you bring company."

"I'll get right on that," you say, as you pick up a nearby gourd-plant lookin' thing and blow throw the hole. A legion of saucy lookin' plant alien ladies come stumbling through the dense undergrowth towards you, and fawn at the feet of you and the pantheroach.

"Let's get going!" It says, and you nod, leading the way.

This has gotten really fucking weird really fucking fast. But hey, alien hookers.

Rolled 6

>>30982633
strip the flesh of the hookers to fashion hides which we can wear. No point in strip blackjack if you are already naked, after all. Afterwards we start to make a kingdom on our new world fashioning powerful power armour from the wreckage of the ship.

Rolled 2

>>30982633
>>30982685
Put the skin back on the Hookers. They need something to take off in order to play as well.

Rolled 4

>>30982633
Summon more hookers. You need at least a small army- after all, they'll be what you'll be wearing and removing as you play. If the room isn't wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling hookers, you don't have enough yet.

>>30982685
>>30982782


After you reach the spaceship, you grab a few of the nearby hookers and flay the bark from their plant skins. The pantheroach is disturbed by this, but after you show it the delightful poncho you made out of their skin for it, the pantheroach looks quite pleased. The excess skin you fashion into bikinis and thongs for the hookers, so they can join in the game.

You play strip poker for a bit, before you get bored. Then you salvage parts from the shuttle, enough to make two power armors for the both of you. You power up yours, and show pantheroach how to turn on his. You try to think up some fancy codenames, but can't think of anything good. Damn.

With your power armor, you stride into the forest followed by your loyal legions of hookers to find some kingdoms to conquer. After a bit of aimless wandering, you get the genius idea to ask one of them where to find civilization.

"Vegetopia is to your north!" The plantstitute says, and you nod, aiming your sights for north. After a few hours of speedy robo-travel, you come across a towering city with buildings made out of living trees. Truly majestic.

Time to fuck it up.

What do you do?

>>30982850
(holy hell your guys' luck is crazy this game)

Before you lay waste to the Vegetopian kingdom, you sound the whore-horn again. More hookers wade into your fledgling army from the forest, and it even begins to get a bit crowded with the amount of plant tramps you've summoned. Your loyal legion of flora whores are ready to fight at your command.

Rolled 6

>>30982861
Build a brothel from the hookers. As in, using the hookers themselves as building material.

Rolled 1

>>30982861
jam your dick in the creature's mouth

Rolled 4

>>30982861
Using the equipment you fashioned for your army of burna-harlots, introduce Vegetopia to the concept of Napalm.

Rolled 6

>>30982861
Fuck bitches, acquire riches. In a literal fashion. And by any means possible.

>>30982922

You...YOU...

>I'm hoping we get some more High Fantasy after this. I want my dragon waifus, dammit.

>>30982962
im so sorry

>>30982909
You slaughter a couple hundred of the hookers for their wood carapaces, which you construct into the best damned brothel this world has ever seen. Which is easy, as it's probably the first one they've ever seen too.

>>30982922
Overcome by lust, you look to the pantheroach with a gleam in your eye. Your bro looks back with a bit of confusion.

"What is 'up'?" The creature asks.

"This hookers... they don't do it for me." You say, opening your cockpit - both literally and metaphorically - as you saunter over. "The bubbleaf I found, it was gooey and delicious... these whores are too dry for my tastes." You lick your lips as you open the creature's cockpit and stare into its ninefold eyes. "I want the wetness of your mouth."

What follows is a scene too damned lewd for this board. Again, exclusively /d/elicious.

After you shudder in pleasure, you realize that there is a burning sensation around your crotch. Looking down, you realize that your penis is gone, melted into slop by the acid in the creature's mouth.

"I'm so sorry!" The creature shouts, as you stand in stunned silence, looking at your demembered groin.

Blood pours out of the open wound. You're quickly losing consciousness from blood loss. Well, at least you're gonna die in a badass way - having sex with an alien species.

Truly, boldly coming where no man has come before...

Please be patient, a new character is being spun out of nothing.

Rolled 2

WHOEVER THE NEW CHARACTER IS, IMMEDIATELY SUMMON A LEGION OF WHORES AGAIN SOMEHOW. THIS IS IMPORTANT.

File: 1395453916594.jpg-(14 KB, 239x258, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA(...).jpg)

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Rolled 3

>>30983104
where's the image of Dr.Doom going toot when you need it.
Whorehorn, go

>>30983104

Cannot roll before we have a scene yet, anon.

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>>30980009

You are a WIZARD. You have mastered the secret arts of creation and destruction - you have gazed upon the universe's secrets - you have been enlightened by the luminiferous aether of the infinite heavens.

But to do so, you had to paid many a price. You are feeble now, infirmed by your old age, by the years it took to unveil the hidden mysteries of the cosmos and to gain access to its power... You have missed much, in the decades you have torn through grimoires and toiled over circles... and now you are nearing the end.

Which is why you are preparing to summon a legion of whores. If you're going out, you're gonna go with a bang. Unfortunately, you need three ingredients to do so:

A direfang, acquired by slaying one of the sons or daughters of Echidna and tearing it from their maw;

A spireroot, a rare herb that only grows at the seat of the great Worldtree;

And a firestone, a type of gem filled with pure divine energy, and the holiest artifact of the Church of the Devouring Fire.

What's first on your to-do list?

Rolled 5

>>30983254
Summon one of the required items at random then bend down to tie my shoelace before realizing I wear old-man sandals.

Rolled 1

>>30983254
Don't just be a wizard, BE the wizard.

Rolled 1

>>30983254
Let's head for the stone. Make yourself immune to 1s in the process.

>Just wanted to let you know, OP, you are a seriously wonderful person and you should feel wonderful.

>>30983300
>>30983308
Now we're REALLY dead.

>>30983300
>>30983308

God damn it. We messed up. We messed up hard.

I guess Mr Wizard was just too old to handle the excitement.

Rolled 1

>>30983300
I REGRET MOST THINGS.

>>30983403
>>30983300
>>30983308

Well, hopefully this is just setting up our magnificent luck night time.

>>30983289

You hastily prepare a summoning spell. Gathering the necessary ingredients, you draw a circle on the ground and spread them haphazardly across the slots in the circle. Since it's a hack job, you're not going to be able to summon a specific item - but instead an item at random.

Pleased with your setup - you did a good job for how fast you did it - you crouch down and tie your shoelaces while you wait for the spell to do its magic. Unfortunately, you realize you're wearing socks and sandals a bit too late. Shit, when did you fashion sense get so out of wack?

Your spell dings pleasantly upon completion. Looking up, you see the firestone sitting on the ground. Nice!

>>30983308
>>30983300
>>30983403
>oh shit nigga you really dead

Walking over to the stone, you pick it up, and feel a divine fire arc into your heart. The illusion of reality crumbles around you, as you ascend into something greater... fires of suns wheel past you, galaxies careen through you, and soon the universe is at your fingertips.

You have ascended - you are not merely a wizard. You are THE wizard. It is truly the greatest accomplishment of your life... Your heart swells with pride, with joy, and then seizes as you suffer a heart attack.

Shit.

New character is being woven from the fabric of space-time... Please be patient...

Rolled 6

Through sheer force of will return as a spooky skellington to enact vengeance upon the world

>>30983431
Nah, the last one is just me messing about.

>>30983444
If a post has a roll, I take it as a command, for sheer hilarity value.

Rolled 4

>>30983403
DEAR GOD, MAN, WE'VE KILLED OFF LIKE 3 NEW CHARACTERS ALREADY AT THIS POINT. THEY DON'T EVEN EXIST YET! WE NEED TO STOP

Rolled 4

>>30983435
>>30983466
No rest, only spooking.

>>30980009

You are an ADVENTURER ARCHAEOLOGIST. You have just stolen the Golden Idol of Anung-un-Rama, and you're currently running as fast as you fucking can away from a giant boulder. This is like, the fifth time this week.

Turning around a corner, you let the boulder roll by, then sigh in relief. However, before you can really relax, a stone door grinds across the entrance you just ran through, leaving you trapped in this room.

Muttering to yourself about cliches and boring temples, you look around the room you've found yourself in. It's essentially a long corridor, extending into the darkness, with a pinprick of light at the end. Presumably the escape. You can see that the tiles on the floor have some glyphs on them - oh boy, puzzle solving. Exactly what you like to do in haunted temples.

What do you do?

Rolled 3

>>30983528
Search for snakes. Don't want to be surprised by snakes when we're solving a puzzle.

>>30983528

Utilize the Golden Idol to absorb the powers sorcerous powers and knowledge of Anung-un-Rama and gain control of his undead legions.

Rolled 2

>>30983528
You have had it up to HERE with stone doors and haunted temples! Give this thing no quarter and punch your way back out you wimp!

>>30983590

Holy shit, that post limit is a fucking killer.

Rolled 2

>>30983528
You're bored with puzzle solving. Punch through the closed door LIKE A MAN, you don't have time for this bullshit. Need to get to the next temple for more loot ASAP. Also, what's up with the thing you just stole? Figure out what it does. That shit ALWAYS has a hidden usage.

Rolled 6

>>30983528
Punch through the ceiling into the room above.

Rolled 6

>>30983528
Use pieces of the broken door to smash the puzzle shouting how the glyphs belong in a museum

>>30983615

If this shit is a one when I finally manage to roll correctly, I'm going to turn my eyes inside out and spend the rest of my life staring at my brain.

Rolled 3

>>30983592
>>30983622
Punchmind

OP, go check out the designs on the floors. Maybe one is a sign pointing to a sarcophagi-storage room and you can get some hot mummy action before you go.

Rolled 1

>>30983653
>>30983615
>>30983590

>Oh, that's right, the dice roller doesn't do capital letters. Forgot about that.

Really, inside out eyeballs. Ihope my brain isn't ugly.

>>30983685
god damnit anon

>>30983685
YOU MOTHERFUCKER.

Rolled 3

>>30983685
RIP

Rolled 2

>>30983685
EFF IT MAN, WE'RE PUNCHING OUT WAY OUT OF HERE EVEN IF IT KILLS US

Rolled 3

>>30983685
ENJOY YOUR INSIDE OUT EYEBALLS YOU MOTHERFUCKER

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>>30983685

Writing this from a braille keyboard, my brain is one ugly motherfucker.

>>30983718
>braille keyboard
A-are you blind, anon? Is your computer reading this to you or do you have one of those braille terminal things like Whistler in Sneakers?

>>30983588
You look around for snakes. Luckily, that doesn't seem to be this temple's thing. All the carvings you've seen have been monkeys.

>>30983592
>>30983622

You agree with your own subconscious! You look to the idol, and realize that it's actually a stylized golden fist. Experimentally, you attempt to put it on - and find that it fits snug as a glove. Alarmingly, you realize you can actually flex and move the fingers with ease - and that it feels like it weights nothing at all. Huh. Pretty fancy.

Turning to the door, you wind up a right hook, and smash your new golden fist into the stone. It shatters like cardboard, sending rubble and debris flying everywhere. You step over the chunks of rock remaining in the doorframe, back into the path carved by the boulder.

Fuck. Puzzles.

>>30983665
You look at the glyphs on the ground, and discern that they're pretty much a rudimentary cipher that a teenager with poor self-esteem who needs to feel smart could probably solve in his basement while munching on Doritos. In other words:

Fuck. Puzzles.

>>30983629
You pick up a piece of rubble near you and throw it at the tiles on the ground, where it smashes through revealing a spiked pit underneath them. WHO WOULDA THUNK IT. You rant and scream a bit about museums and fucking glyphs, before turning on your heel and looking up.

>>30983627
You uppercut through the ceiling, and with your non-gold hand, grab onto the ledge you've made in the room above. Pulling yourself up, you find yourself in an oddly austere room. A few feet away from you, you see the only thing in the featureless chamber - a scroll sitting on a pedestal. You walk over, pick it up, and unroll it.

>>30983758
He turned his eyeballs backwards to stare at his brain. So yeah blind.

>>30983806
>>30983685
It only takes a brief moment of reading for the gravity of the text to sink in. What's disturbing is, your brain had to do no translation - the meaning, the significance, the horror, immediately impacted your brain like a truck.

You collapse to the ground in horror, bleeding from your eyes and ears, as your brain does mental backflips, trying to come to grips with the eldritch lore that you have witnessed.

You can feel your eyes turning inwards, both metaphorically and literally. You are gazing at your mind, at your soul - at the seat of your being.

And it is one ugly motherfucker.

Screaming in horror, you die.

Please be patient, a new character is being forged out of lifeless clay...

>>30980009

The city of Cityopolis is a wretched hive of scum and villainy. But under your vigilance gaze, you believe that you can make it into a paragon of excellence, into the ideal city of the world.

You have just recently defeated Gorilla Warfare, the notorious simian general, and his army of uplifted chimpanzee warriors... You cuff him, and leave him for the police to arrest, before going on your way.

You are a SUPERHERO. The question is, what are your super powers, and your super identity?

Rolled 5

>>30983980
I am the BLACK BULLET with the power of LOTS OF FUCKIN' GUNS AND LIMITLESS AMMO

Rolled 3

>>30983980
We are THE ÜBERMENSCH the undefeated! Strongest and the best in the world!

Rolled 6

>>30983980
You have the ability to see through clothing, and only clothing.

>>30984002
You are the BLACK BULLET, the hollowpoint hero, the rifleman ranger, the Kalashnikov Knight! You have the superpower of fuckin' guns up the ass, with an infinite supply of ammo to boot. Yet, being the upstanding citizen you are, each of your BLACK BULLETs has a unique and wacky gimmick that keeps them nonlethal. Net Bullets! Sticky Bullets! Bouncy Bullets!

It might also be because of your sponsorship deals requiring you to remain kid-friendly. Just maybe.

Anyway, you're currently brooding on top of your favorite skyscraper, happy that it isn't occupied by another superhero tonight. That stupid UBERMENSCH has been hogging this spot a lot lately, and it's been really pissing you off. He must be busy instilling nihilistic philosophy in criminals tonight or whatever the fuck he does.

Anyway, you're smoking a cigar on the skyscraper, when you spot a suspicious explosion over by the Riverside Docks. What do you do?

Rolled 1

>>30983980
You are DARKSTALKER, with the ability to pursue absolutely anyone and know their every move! But only at night. Daylight is your mortal enemy.

>>30984111
Thank god you showed up a little too late to that one.

Rolled 1

>>30984098
Shoot your grappling-gun to swing on over mad quick-like!

Rolled 4

>>30984098
INVESTIGATE the source of explosion and APPREHEND any VILLAIN responsible. And Speak in ALL CAPS at inappropriate moments for emphasis.

Rolled 4

>>30984111
Shiiiiiiiiiit. Fuck damn and shit.
Wait, Bulletguy doesn't have to die right? Just darkstalker. Nobody cares about him. Right?

Rolled 5

>>30984132
welp,

>>30984132
Well well, I guess this is the quickest way down...

Rolled 3

>>30984132
Looks like this story will be switching to follow ubermensch now eh?

>>30984132
You fire your grappling gun to a nearby skyscraper, preparing to swing like that Arachnkid you've been hearing about in the news lately. This is the grappling gun's first test run, so you're excited to try it out.

You hear it clink against the distant skyscraper, and you jump off the roof, preparing to swing like a badass across the skyline. Unfortunately, the bullet's rope had to be made thin to fit in your pistol - and it doesn't really support your weight, given the infinite density of guns you have stuffed up your anus. With a crack, the rope snaps and you're sent plummeting to your death.

Please wait... a new character is being raised by wolves...

>>30984206
BLACK BULLET, we hardly knew ye...

File: 1395456838946.jpg-(6 KB, 224x225, AND IT IS ME.jpg)

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>>30984111

Guess what time it is, bitch?

>>30980009

You are a HUNTER. Not the normal mundane kind - you are a vanquisher of evil, a slayer of the undead, a killer of monsters.

Currently, you're tracking down some unknown supernatural baddie in the spooky-ass backwoods of Maine. Even your nerves of steel are being a bit frayed by this tense mission. It's, one, fucking dark out here. And two, this monster seems to be serious shit, as the corpses it's left behind would be more accurately referred to as "human salsa".

You pump your shotgun, ejecting the used shells. You fired at it a few minutes ago, but you unfortunately missed, and even worse, alerted it to your presence. Now you're not just hunting it. It's hunting you.

What do you do?

Rolled 1

>>30984319
I draw my pistol and fire twice directly into the bushes behind me where it sits, piercing its skull twice and killing it. Then I teabag it.

Rolled 6

>>30984319
We will let this arrogant creature THINK it is hunting us, while we prepare a trap for it and lie in wait for it to walk into it.

Rolled 1

>>30984319
Light the forest ablaze to smoke the fucker out.

Rolled 3

>>30984319
LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!

>>30984337
Well that was fun.

>>30984337
Or, uh, apparently I don't

>>30984337

360noscope!

Rolled 2

>>30984337
>>30984351
Sigh...

I hope the next thing is a return to space exploration. That was fun.

>/tg/ dice
Ahhh, I'm home again.

>>30984337

Whipping your pistol out of its holster, you twirl it around with a dramatic flourish, then fire into the bushes where you've discerned it's hiding. You hear a howl as the beast is felled. With a woop, you run over and kick the corpse of the beast over.

And realize that you've just killed a person, dirty and muddy and obviously crying. Shit. The monster must've been on the trail of another prey when you found it - and now -

You whirl around, and see the monster in the clearing you just ran out of. It's - it's - holy shit you can't even fucking describe it it's that hideous. It's straight out of Lovecraft, and he'd probably call it cyclopean or gibbous or whatever.

>>30984351


You tear your lighter out of your pocket, and pull a molotov cocktail out of your backpack. If you're going down, you're taking it with you. Lighting the cloth, you throw the bomb at the creature, setting it ablaze - and the rest of the forest with it. Before you can turn to run, the creature rockets forward towards you, and embraces you with its tentacular maw.

You have died.

Please be patient, a new character is being grown in a test tube...

Rolled 3

you immediately roundhouse kick a giraffe and then fall into a pit of darkness and acquire the power of long division from which you can divide anything even other objects.

>>30984414

Well, we went out like a badass, collateral damage aside.

Rolled 5

you then use that power to divide God by 0 and restart the universe where you are God.

>>30980009

You are the CAPTAIN of a spacefaring pirate vessel, currently locked in tense negotiations with a prospective client. You hold your hands up affably, as you smile to the barrel of a lasrifle pressed against your forehead.

"Now now, I'd say that the price I asked for was perfectly reasonable," the client says, the bubbles of his mouth rubbing together to produce the squeaky voice. It's pretty disconcerting to hear such a high-pitched voice coming from the titan of a beast. "Would you not agree, Captain?"

Looking around, you can see your other crew - the Navigator, Pilot, Techie, Diplomat, and Gunner - also have various weapons pressed against their heads by the towering Gorglorpian elites.

This, ah, high-tension haggling is over the price of a job. The job is to assassinate the general of the Varkalian armada, who the Gorglorpians are currently locked in war with. The price they want you to do the job for? Free.

It's pretty clear why this is disagreeable.

The Gorglorpian is getting impatient with your thinking, as evidenced by him pressing the barrel further against your forehead, forcing you to lean back. The thick fat on his body ripples and bounces as he leans forward, growling at you.

What do you do?

Rolled 5

>>30984555
Bluff your way out of this by making him think there's a man behind HIM with a gun to his head. Then when he turns around, shoot him and take command.

Rolled 4

>>30984555
Reveal that he's activated your trap! Press the little red button under the table that completely disables any weaponry not wielded by you or your crew, and "renegotiate"

Rolled 5

>>30984555
Offer to perform the job, in exchange for... seven minutes in heaven with the captain.

Rolled 6

javascript:quote('30984508');
javascript:quote('30984462');
these were for the new character

Rolled 2

>>30984616
Anon, I'm going to put this as kindly as I can.
I don't think you're cut out for using computers.

Rolled 4

>>30984555

Eat his gun barrel.

Just tilt your head up and fucking bite it off. Make speculative "hmming" noises as you chew, and tell him that it was a bit dry,but palatable.

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>>30984664

>>30984585
>>30984601

"You've activated my trap!" You shout, as you press a button under the table the negotiations are being held over. "This completely disables all weaponry not genelocked to the crew, and summons a turret-gun trained on your head!"

"WHAT?" The Gorglorpian shouts, as he turns around to fire at the turret-gun - and finds himself looking at nothing.

"Syke, you fat fuck!" You shout, as you fire your hand-cannon straight into the back of the creature's head. The proton shot burrows into his skin then explodes, sending lemon-lime flavored chunks all over the command room.

Your crew takes advantage of the brief shock that overwhelms the Gorglorpian's crew, and disarm the soldiers, before training their own guns on them.

"You're hereby in my crew, maties!" You shout, laughing jovially as you twirl around your pistol and throw it into its holster once more.

Now what?

Rolled 4

>>30984555

Just how the hell does he expect us to keep to our word in exchange for NOTHING after getting threatened at gunpoint? Those other guys must be pretty dumb too, or else they would have won already.

>>30984655
I meant to click on the post but somehow copied it without realizing.

>>30984722
That was fucking awesome

>>30984722
I eat the gun.
It'd be a shame to let it go to waste...

Rolled 3

>>30984722
Retire to your cabin for the night, attempt to sleep with that crewmember who has been resisting your advances for the longest time

Rolled 3

>>30984759
Crap, forgot to roll.

>>30984462
>>30984508
these 2

>>30984722

>No gun eating

I sure as hell hope you saved that roll for next time.

It's pretty clear that these guys are idiots. Investigate why the fuck they have spaceships. Did they steal them somewhere? Find and enslave a smart race? Were found and enslaved BY a smart race? Some kind of fucky uplift-device? We need to find out what it tis, and make money off it somehow.

Rolled 2

>>30984722
Death is always close at hand. Go out in a blaze of glory if necessary, but take out the entire Varkalian armada while making love to whichever crewmembers strike your fancy.

Rolled 2

>>30984722
Pilot the ship into a black hole and arrive in an alternate dimension that resembles the Christian heaven.

Rolled 6

>>30984795

>Forgot roll

Rolled 2

>>30984788

>>30984834

Rolls made betwixt characters count not.

Rolled 6

>>30984722
Throw the bodies into the reactor as fuel.

>>30984883
But we aren't between characters.

Rolled 6

>>30984834
This is why I rerolled

>>30984759
>>30984787

You pick up the Gorglorpian's rifle and take a bite out of it. Chocolate mint - tasty! No idea why the Gorglorpian's weaponry is edible, but it sure tastes great.

>>30984795
>>30984822

"How'd you guys even get spaceships and weaponry if you're this stupid?" You ask one of the Gorglorpians, who is currently munching on his captain's flesh.

The Gorglorpian looks confused, then shrugs. "Luck."

You nod. Seems like a lot of things get accomplished with luck in this infinite universe.

>>30984772
>>30984807

You announce to the crew that you DO plan to annihilate the Varkalian armada, to everyone's surprise. You've charted the course of the Varkalian armada, and found a black hole directly adjacent to their planned warpath - which includes your home planet. You will stop them at any cost before you let them destroy your home. You tell them that they may feel free to leave - but you refuse to abandon this quest. A Captain goes down with his ship.

"Captain!" The Navigator says. She looks concerned, but also admiring of your bravery. Her brown eyes are wet with tears. "We'll never leave you."

The other crew members nod in affirmation. They each cross their arms in determination. You look them over. They probably haven't realized you picked them all because you thought they were hot.

"...I understand. You're the best crew I could ever have asked for," You say, and they smile. "Now, chart a course for the black hole. We have a bomb to plant."

The Navigator nods and runs over with the Pilot to set the course.

"Techie, get the bomb prepared. Gunner, I'm trusting you to get the payload delivered. Diplomat, relay our peaceful course through the armada's path to the Varkalian general. Convince him we will do no harm."

The other crew members nod, and go off to their duties. You admire their asses as they run off.

Shaking your head, you walk away to the bridge, to look out to the stars. This is your greatest mission yet - and maybe your last.

Rolled 6

>>30985003
Play this as you do whatever we are doing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRh-dzrI4Z4

Rolled 1

screw your responsibility your getting wasted! There is no combat like drunk combat.

>>30985003
>>30984807
>>30984772

Retiring to your cabin for the night, you rest for a bit before someone knocks on your door. You let in the Navigator - and then the Gunner - and the Diplomat - and the Techie - and the Pilot.

A sixsome commences. Seriously, perverts, go somewhere else for your sex scenes.

The next morning, you wake up to an alarm. It seems that the Varkalian armada did not fall for your ruse like you thought they'd had, and are currently pursuing you! Your ship may be a spritely vessel, but there's no way you can outrun an entire armada on your ass... at least, not without...

>>30984899


"Techie, throw the Gorglorpian captain's body into the reactor! Everyone knows that Gorglorpian flesh is a powerful warp material!"

"Of course!" The techie says, smacking her forehead with her hand. "You're a genius, Captain!"

"I know," You say, turning to look through the window to the armada on your tail. Missiles whizz past your ship, as your Pilot expertly maneuvers the ship around the barrage.

"We're not going to be able to drop off the payload, crew -" You announce, the crew hushing in silence as they listen intently. "We need to do it ourselves. To detonate the black hole... to save my home... we need to sacrifice the ship."

You close your eyes, and sigh. "Again, this is something I do for myself alone. All of you may escape... may live your lives to the fullest..."

Before you can finish your thoughts, the crew shout back - they will never leave you. You've proven to be the best damned Captain they've ever had.

"Crew..." You say, tears welling up in your eyes. "Thank you. Now let's show them what for!"

>>30984811

"Set course for the black hole!" You roar over an explosion, as a missile slams into the side of the ship.

"Aye aye!" The crew shout back, as they send the ship into overdrive through the event horizon. Everything warps, distorts, time and space collapse -

And you emerge in a sky full of fluffy clouds, alone.

>>30985067

I guess we drank poisoned whiskey on the cusp of victory.

God fucking dammit.

Rolled 3

>>30985121
Enjoy life in this new world you've discovered.

Rolled 2

>>30985121
Reach out.. and take ahold of the Firestone, the holiest artifact of the Church of Devouring Fire.

You've still got to save your crew. And only with the powers of divine flame can you do it.

>>30985121
>>30984462
>>30984508
>>30984834

You're not sure whether you're alive or dead, but you're floating in a realm of fluffy white clouds, and that seems to be an indication that shit is crazy. A giraffe floats by you, and you kick it for no real reason, sending it flying into the distance - and, as there seems to be no gravity, sending you flying away as well.

For a while, you float anxiously, worrying about the crew you left behind and whether you were able to take out the Varkalian armada. But then you let yourself relax. You submit yourself to the clouds - and discover the secrets of the universe.

You discover the secret of long-division. Shit, how did anyone think they could teach you this in elementary school?

Wielding the powers of long-division, you divide the realm of existence you've found yourself in, and restart the universe with you as a God, with the world as a paradise.

What is paradise to you, the Captain?

The bridge of your ship.

Groggily opening your eyes, you take a swig from a flagon of ale, and look out at the window at the Varkalian armada that you're staring down. You're in orbit of your homeworld, where everyone can see you - and you're surrounded by your crew members, the people you love most in this world.

"Crew -" You say, grinning like a madman. "Full speed ahead."

>>30985067
>>30985218

A thousand years later, and your story is still being told - the story of the valiant Captain who saved his homeworld from a thousand-strong fleet of Galaxy Destroy class vessels of the Varkalian armada, with but a single ship. Though he lost his life in the process, it wasn't defeat.

The Captain went down with his ship. That alone is a victory.

Please be patient, a new character is being augured by sybils...

Guys... we already died.

>>30980009

You are a SKELETON, recently - and mysteriously - raised from the dead. You're sitting in a pile of bones in some catacomb deep underground. It's really dark.

What do you do?

you resurrect the bones and turn into a lich.

Rolled 1

>>30985324
Take up our ancient blade from the days when we were the greatest warrior of our people.

Our long-dead lord's final descendant is in trouble, and we must go save him. We made an oath to protect the bloodline, and we have to follow it, even after death.

Rolled 6

>>30985324

Turn on Skelevision, and go find our skelebro! we were inseperable in life, hopefully so in death!

Rolled 1

>>30985352
Sorry, I put the roll in the wrong field.

>>30985361
>>30985387

Worst. Skeleton. Ever.

>>30985403
Agreed

>>30985352
>>30985361

You find an ancient blade near your remains. Picking it up, you remember an oath - an oath to protect the bloodline, by any means necessary. Your bones ache with an eldritch power, dark and forbidden - but you cannot fight to protect your lord alone, you must raise an army. With a grunt of will, you raise the bones around you into a legion of undead soldiers, ready and willing to fight at your command.

You slam your blade into the door of the catacomb, sending it crashing open - and revealing a stern paladin staring with condemnation at your ragtag band of skeletons.

"God, not another room to clear..." The Paladin mutters, as he offhandedly raises his mace and says some Latin or some shit. You groan as your bones are scattered to dust, and your soul laid to unwilling rest.

>>30985403
>>30985429
Agreed.

Please be patient, a new character is being carved from adamantite...

>>30980009

You are a DETECTIVE, currently investigating the disappearance of a young dame in the ancient and run-down Amormeteir Manse. She apparently went looking for some old family heirlooms in the house, and hasn't been seen in a few days.

You step through the threshold into the foyer, and shiver as a chill wind bites through your thick trenchcoat. Drafty as hell in here, you mutter to yourself, as you look around. Some torn up paintings, some moth-eaten coats hanging on racks, and some long-dead torches still in their braziers. This is an OLD house.

What do you do?

Rolled 1

>>30985527
Find the girl, beat the goons undoubtedly threatening her, solve the mystery, save the day, get the girl, and get paid.
Be hardboiled.

Rolled 2

>>30985527
Send out your eyeballs as scouting drones to search the house for clues

Rolled 1

>>30985527
Being a detective who saves lost dames every few weeks from demon lords, ghosts, and cultists, we obviously take our handy gun and save the dame. Maybe do some clever circle of salt things to magically bind the ghost haunting the house, too.

>>30985548
God damn it, anon.

Rolled 2

While examining a bookcase you come across a book called "The Necronomicon" you read a few words "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" and then the Doctor comes and says Run!!

>>30985573
I'm sorry.

>>30985548
>>30985564

You take a few steps into the house, before you trigger some unseen trap in the floor, which clicks ominously.

You're halfway through a swear when the floor gives way under you, and you drop into a pit filled with searing water. As you howl in pain, you are able to tell yourself at least this -

You really were hardboiled to the end.

Please be patient, a new character is being slapped together by children in Singapore...

>>30980009

You are a BARBARIAN KING, currently standing before the underground citadel of the wretched Blaga snake warrior kingdom. You have come to lay waste to your enemies, to see them driven before you, and hopefully afterwards to pick up your dry-cleaned loincloths on the way home.

You heft your axe over your shoulder, and ponder as you look up at the towering walls of the citadel. The drawbridge is currently drawn, and the lava moat doesn't seem very welcoming.

What do you do?

>>30985664
Signal the comely priestess you seduced earlier to throw a rope to you.

Rolled 2

>>30985664
Jump, jump high

Rolled 6

You pull a book from your bag that the crazy man on the road gave to you that is called "The Necronomicon" you read a few words "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn" and then the Doctor comes and says Run!! In the instant that follows you can feel the sanity drain from you only to be replaced by your mahou shoujo powers.

Rolled 6

>>30985679
Shit, forgot roll.

Rolled 5

>>30985664
The Blaga snake warriors lower the drawbridge, allow us in and politely give us a perfectly unpoisoned meal, treating us more like a guest of honor than an invading force.

Before we realize it, we're married to the Blaga chieftan's daughter, a powerful druid. Together, we and the kingdom are going to band together to face the Tscazi titans.

>>30985664
eat spinach to gain super strength, leap over lava with new massive calfs.

Rolled 1

>>30985664
Using all your barbarian strength, leap over the moat and embed your axe in the drawbridge. Pull yourself up the drawbridge and onto the walls.

Rolled 1

>>30985737
Go damn it, fuck

Rolled 4

>>30985737
>>30985754
We really need to stop rolling once the first couple of results are in.

>>30985796
>>30985754
>>30985737

I was just about to suggest that. If 6 people all say "We jump over da moat" then the adventure will probably end there.

>>30985664
>>30985701

You wave your hands about, giving the signal to the snake priestess you (regretfully) seduced to get an inside-snake in the citadel. She lowers a rope for you, which you climb up as best you can.

At the top of the citadel, you meet the Blaga priestess, who makes the best approximation of a kissy-face that a snake could. You reluctantly return the kiss, while rolling your eyes. The things you do to conquer kingdoms.

>>30985706

The Blaga warriors witness this act of 'romance', and proclaim that the destined Outsider Prince has finally come. They prepare you a fantastic and lavish five-course dinner of human flesh, which you happily snack on as they tell you of their plans.

Turns out, the Blaga priestess is the head of their druidic religion, and the chieftain's daughter. It has been foretold that the man she loves would be not of the Blaga, and be the one force that can stop the Tscazi titans, massive creatures made of ancient petroglyphs that are to rise from the ground and lay waste to the world at the dawn of the next equinox.

Which is tomorrow morning. Yeah, the Blaga were understandably freaking out up until now.

What do you do?

NOTE: I try to incorporate as many of the rolls as I can, but we're starting to get a lot more contradictory posts. (Obviously the Barbarian King can't both climb a rope, jump high, be welcomed in, leap over the lava, and pull himself up the drawbridge.) In matters of contradiction, I will go with the first post, and incorporate as many elements of the other posts that I can.

>>30985737
>>30985754

You are both extremely fucking lucky that the post was contradictory to a previous roll.

Rolled 1

kill yourself

Rolled 3

>>30985864
Since we're a barbarian, we're not literate. However, because we're not literate, that gives us the ability to read the petroglyphs, as the glyphs are obviously from our own ancient barbaric tribe. Using what we learn on the flesh of the titans, we easily bend them to our will, and bind them to serve our people until the rest of time.

And then we retire on a throne of stone, covered in snakewoman concubines.

Rolled 1

>>30985864
Ask to be converted into a Blaga so that the prophecy is not fulfilled.

>>30985904
You cannot stand being married to this reptilian bitch. You'd rather die than spend even an evening with this disgusting lizard of a woman.

So you do. You chop open your head with your own fucking axe at the dinner table upon hearing the news that you are to be wed.

What a way to go.

Please be patient, a new character is being divined from entrails...

i cant believe it worked

Rolled 4

>>30985969
>>30985904
If 1 this poster dies immediately IRL

Rolled 6

>>30985904

How does it feel to hate fun?

Pop up from our apparent suicide shouting "JUST KIDDING!". We're big pranksters, us.

>>30980009

You are an EXPLORER SCIENTIST. You are currently on an expedition to find the lost isle of Whatlandtis! Long ago, you came across an ancient scroll that says it was due to rise from the depths at approximately this time... and after a lifetime of research and journeying, you have calculated the exact time and location of its return.

Now, you stand on the prow of your ship, watching as a colossal landmass rises from the depths of the sea, water cascading off of its cliffs and towers. The architecture looks millenia old, and even from this far away, it is clear that it is covered in hieroglyphs and ancient carvings, surely filled to the brim with lost and valuable knowledge.

You watch in awe as the rising landmass begins to slow in its ascent, and then realize you should probably find a place to dock. You maneuver the ship around the island of Whatlandtis to an ancient stone dock, and tie up the boat before stepping off it onto the land.

You are the first person to set foot on this land for thousands of years. Simply incredible.

What do you do first?

Rolled 4

>>30986178
EXPLORE

Rolled 5

You open your scrolls and read "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn " scratched onteh back of the scroll. At that moment the citadel rises and you are transported inside

>>30986276
You unroll the scroll and, as best you can, read the language on it, turning it over on your tongue as you ponder its directions. Before you can wonder for too long, however, the island itself answers your question - a tower rises from the land before you, covered in barnacles and with starfish falling off of it as it towers above you.

Huh. Well, nothing left to do but - >>30986250

You step into the tower, finding that is pretty much empty - except for a spiral staircase leading down. You walk down the stairs for a while, before finding yourself in a watery and dark chamber beneath the earth of the island. Shining your flashlight on the walls, you find etchings and carvings of sea creatures. Odd... the peoples of Whatlandtis didn't have an affinity for the sea. Why would they carve sea creatures into the walls?

You hear something move in the water behind you. Whirling around, you aim your flashlight into the depths, but don't reveal anything. Hm.

Now what?

Rolled 6

>>30986359
Dive into the water. There's nothing there, right?

Rolled 2

Produce a 20 kg brick of c4 from your pocket and drop the activated bomb into the pool after you. Ride the shock wave like a boss and find a dead Cthulhu

>>30986390
take out your whip for self defense.
Ever EXPLORER SCIENTIST has one.

Rolled 2

>>30986359

Obviously this citadel is home to the fishmen hordes of a forgotten God of Madness and Power. His cultists await his rise on the coasts of the world, sacrificing innocent victims to gain the privilege of being eaten first

Little do they know that you were only pretending to search for the lost civilization of whatlandis. They think you are a pawn.In reality, you are a COMMANDER.

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwj9YPmrLsQ

Retreat from the citadel and give the order for your men to roll out from their concealed place in the hold of the ships you chartered.

Cthulhu Awakes, and your gun barrels are going to be one Hell of a good morning.

>>30986390
You dive into the water. It's pretty damned dark, but luckily, your flashlight is waterproof. Whirling it around, you can't see anything obvious, until - something floats right next to your vision HOLY SHIT

You flail out of the water, and attempt to catch your breath, but before you can so much as even touch your breath, something begins to rise from the water. Fuck. That.

>>30986435
You lob a brick of C4 at the thing, and you don't even let it activate naturally - you shoot the thing, detonating it in the water. The shockwave sends you flying back, but you manage to stay standing. A few seconds later, the body of a tentacled monstrosity floats up.

Welp. No more need for this ruse.

>>30986468
You arrived alone and seemingly feeble to trick the cultists of Whatlandtis into revealing themselves - but you knew the day was coming when the Whothulian cultists would rise from the depths and attempt to take the world from the seas. And you were ready.

Running up the stairs as fast as you can, you mash the signal button in your pocket. The fleet has been set to red alert - and their cannons are trained on the island, ready to fire at a moment's notice.

Behind you, coming up the stairs, you can hear gibbering and squelching - and it's coming fast. You're not going to be able to outrun whatever horror is making its way up the tower.

What do you do?

Rolled 4

>>30986527
Use the secret scroll we had stashed away to temporarily bind it, allowing us to make our escape.

Rolled 2

>>30986527
Take inspiration from explorers of old, and fistfight this creature.

Rolled 5

>>30986527
Beat the shit out of it, for WE ARE EXPLORER SCIENTIST

Rolled 6

Summon Hastur to fight for you. He actually listens and you are now his boss

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Rolled 5

>>30986527

>Fleet
>Goddamn boats with guns
>Only good for transporting and guarding the transportation of tanks
>Cannot even into treads

It's like you don't even know what the word PANZER means!

>>30986573
You whip out the second scroll in your pack. Though soggy, you can make out the runes on it, and you read them out, freezing the creature in place. You take a moment to look it over - it is hideous as fuck.

Time to beat the shit out of it.

>>30986577
>>30986587

After roughly approximating where the monstrosity's face is, you give it a mean right hook, sending it tumbling down the stairs. Then you leap down the stairs after it, and plant your feet straight into its open maw, crushing its teeth beneath your steeltoe boots. Damn does this feel good.

A few more stomps later, and some squid blood on your nice boots, and you think that's probably enough for now. Time to head out.

Leaving the tower, you see your ships floating around the coastline, and being attacked by a giant and shadowy creature that looks like an abominable combination of an octopus, dragon, and man. The monster slams a tentacled fist down onto a battlecrusier, smashing it in half and causing it to explode. It seems that the monster attacked before your tanks could be rolled out.

>>30986729 (HEY PATIENCE YO)

Maybe ships aren't enough to fight this... Maybe you need something more.

>>30986613
Pulling out the soggy scroll again, you read a summoning incantation for another elder god - but this one, much more simple to summon, and much more monstrous. Three chants of his accursed name later, and a yellow lance of light pierces the clouds above Whothulhu, and slams straight into its skill. The creature is buffeted by the blow, and reels back, turning to face the attacker.

Descending from the heavens is Hasntur, the Thing in Yellow, bathed in a golden flame and crowned by a fulvous halo. Hasntur roars, and Whothulu roars back. This shit went from Lovecraft to Kaiju pretty damn fast.

Alright, what now?

Rolled 2

Realize that It was all a dream of some far off place and you are actually in a fantasy world as their king. Although, you still own and control Hastur.

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>>30986729
Here, have a larger version.
>>30986772
Escape before Godzilla is inevitably attracted to the battle, followed by Mechagodzilla.

Rolled 3

>>30986793

We are actually the BARBARIAN KING, drunk off his ass at our engagement party. We are switching back and forth between our past life as a badass in another world and our current life as a badass in this one.

Rolled 1

>>30986846

I think this guys post:

>>30985992

Fills in any plotholes.

We fantasized about our violent suicide, but now we're starting to re-consider our situation, as you notice that snake-girl priestess does have some pretty nice tits for a reptile. Dem scales, man...

>>30986892
FUCK YOU, WE WERE DOING SO WELL AS EXPLORER SCIENTIST

Rolled 6

Oh no! All the death, destruction and glory is beginning to blur together stories past, present, and future! We need to end this now, or the whole fabric of reality could collapse!

>>30986892
Everything would have worked out perfectly fine if you could have just held your peace. But you just had to specify that the snake priestess had nice tits.

>>30986892
he didn't actually roll for anything did he?

Rolled 2

>>30986892

Fuck.

Well, looks like Barbarian Dude is dead AGAIN.

Well, back on the "Cthulhu Un Panzer" channel, Hasntur delivers a mean right hook as some of the ships manage to get to shore and begin deploying armor against the gibbering hordes.

>>30986793
>>30986846

You wake up, and find yourself in a tent surrounded by a bunch of snake warriors. That was unexpected.

"Prinssss? You sssnoozed in the middle of our meeting," The snake says, pointing with a claw at the other warriors in the tent. "Are you sssleepy? Or sssshitfaced?"

You roar that sleep is for the weak and that no alcohol could possibly dent your iron mind.

"Anyway, asss we were sssaying..." Another of the snakes says, holding up a flagon of ale.

"Tomorrow, we ride to ssslay the Tsscazi titansss! Tonight is the night of lassst wissshessss! What is your wisssh, Prinsss?" A third snake says, this one clearly drunk.

>>30986892

"The priestess..." You mutter, and stand up, knocking the table full of food over. "Before I die, I shall be pleased!" You roar, as you thunder out of the tent, leaving a comical Barbarian King shaped hole in the fabric.

You run across the snake camp, towards the priestess's tent. Barging in, you find her stripping from her druidic gown to nakedness. For a snake, she has good tits.

"What bringsss you here, Barbarian King?" She purrs, as best as a snake can. Which is to say, quite crappily.

You ravage her like you've never taken a woman before. The moans of pleasure can be heard - uncomfortably - by every other snake in the camp. Shit gets real kinky.

In the throes of passion, you bite the neck of the snake priestess - and she returns the favor, biting yours. And forgetting that her fangs are poisonous.

Hey, at least you died in the arms of a bangin' snake chick. Not a half bad way to go.

Please be patient, a new character is -

a new character is -

a new -

a -

a -

>>30986921
>>30986940
>>30986950
>>30986953

I think Past Life Brbarian King (Or maybe future life? I dunno) got killed. Explorer Scientist and Panzer Master should still be rockin'.

>>30986772

You are an EXPLORER SCIENTIST, and apparently PANZER GENERAL, watching as TWO LOVECRAFTIAN HORRORS BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER.

Wat do?

Rolled 1

>>30987028

1: RUN TOWARDS SHORE

2: FIND PANZER

3: GET THE FUCK IN PANZER

This incident is a 1.2 on the Henderson scale

Rolled 1

>>30987028
Full speed ahead!

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>>30987056
god.
damnit.

Rolled 4

>>30987056

We die the way we lived: Blowing up terrifying things inside a motherfucking PANZER

We should die in a suitable fashion. Maybe running over Narlygarglewarge as he tries to use magic to throw the figh in favor of Whothulu

>>30987056
FUCK EVERYTHING

>>30987056

EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE

>>30987125
>>30987149

>Capslockmind

>>30987056
>>30987080

Whothulu lets loose an ear-splitting screech as it towers over Hasntur. The sound shatters glass, shakes the earth, and trembles the seas. You collapse to the ground, holding your ears with your hands, and feel the warm trickle of blood as your ear drums burst.

You can only watch as Whothulu grabs Hasntur and suplexes the Thing in Yellow into Whatlandtis, smashing its head into a bloody wave of gore. Who knew that elder gods could bleed too? Apparently, you do, now.

You won't stand by and watch as the world falls to Whothulu. You wrench your hands from your ears, and dash across the shore towards a nearby panzer. If you are to die, it will be behind the console of a tank.

And that is just what happens. Before you can even launch a single mortar, the giant hand of Whothulu smites you and the tank into a pancake.

That's that.

Please be patient, a new character is springing fully-formed from Cronus's head...

>>30980009

You are a SCAVENGER. You are currently walking through the ruins of some ancient city. The apocalypse was only half a century ago, but it's amazing how much knowledge can be lost in so short a time. You have no clue what this city might have once been called. The words on the signs are meaningless to you, for the most part - you don't get a lot of chances to learn how to read in the wasteland.

Here, though, the ruins of skyscrapers are overgrown with plantlife, and the empty subway stations are filled with colossal jungles. That's why you're trekking here. Cities, for some reason, generally attract a lot of wildlife to hunt. And, obviously, usually have the most forgotten supplies.

You stop in an intersection, as you hear something in a nearby building. It could be an animal - or it could be another survivor.

What do you do?

Rolled 5

>>30987251
Investigate the noise.

Rolled 1

Transform into a mahou shoujo and fly up to investigate.

Rolled 3

>>30987251
Find the lost treasure of the fabled Donald.

>>30987295

What in the fuck is a mahou shouju anyway?

Rolled 3

>>30987251

Grab something sharp and rush the building. If it's an animal, you've got the jump on it and can kill it for food. If it's a person, this is a great way to start a working relationship.

>>30987327
a magic girl think puella magi madoka magica

>>30987251
>What do you do?

be cautious! Throw a rock in first, spook what's out there!

>>30987289
>>30987341

Before you go to investigate, you take out your knife. You figure you can barge in, and if it's an animal, take it by surprise - and if it's a person, hopefully work it all out. Hopefully.

>>30987295
But then you realize you have a much better solution! You completely forget that you had magical girl powers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4b1XnPq_1o

You transform into Apocalypse Heart, the savior of the wastes, the hero of the people, and the prettiest god damn survivor that anybody has ever seen! With your Redemption Knife, you can turn the hearts of men to good, and skin the flesh from animals to survive in the harsh wilds!

Unfortunately, your lengthy and loud transformation sequence gave the gunman in the building ample time to realize you were outside, and you have a bullet in your head before your kawaii majou shoujou uguu~ powers could come into action. Damn.

Please be patient, a new character is getting drunk enough to lower its standards...

Rolled 5

>>30987513
We are the worst survivors guys.

>>30980009

You are an EVERYMAN. You are currently sitting in your office, waiting out the last five minutes of your boring job. Pretty much everyone else has left the building at this point, except the secretary you have the hots for and your fat fuck of a boss.

You sigh as you twirl your pen at your desk. You thought learning how to pen spin would help pass the time. It really doesn't.

Getting bored, you stand up and stretch, then decided to do something else to kill time.

What do you do?

Rolled 5

>>30987576
Kill Time.

Rolled 1

>>30987576

You realize that you're done... and will now set out to actually kill time. The very incarnation of time will die by my hands. Now I just need a plan.

>>30987617
Seriously, just the worst survivors.

>>30987603
>>30987617

You realize you should do just that - kill time. Of course, figuring out how to kill an abstract concept is a bit more difficult than just deciding to do it.

You hatch a genius plan. If you kill all representations of time, then nobody will be able to keep track of it! And if nobody can keep time, is there really such a thing as time? Truly, your plan is superb.

You pick up an exacto knife and bum rush the clock before it knows whats coming. You stab it into pieces, cackling madly as you do so.

"Holy shit, EVERYMAN, what the fuck!?" The secretary shouts, standing up from her desk and running over. You see a watch dangling from her wrist. A watch that must die.

"STAND BACK!" You shout, as you swing your exacto knife around like a madman. "I AM KILLING TIME!" With those words, you thrust your knife towards her watch, and shatter the face, sending springs and intricate mechanisms flying everywhere.

Your hefty boss tackles you to the ground and wrestles your knife out of your hands. You flail around, laughing maniacally as your boss chokes your into unconsciousness.

You wake up feeling happy. Pleased. You realize you're probably sedated and drugged but hey, that's better than nothing. Looking around, you realize you're in a padded cell.

And you're in that cell until you die.

Please be patient, a new character is being sung into existence...

>>30980009

You are a MEDIUM. The nearby town of Bumsville has been plagued by ghostly visitations and hauntings for the past week, and All Hallow's Eve is nearing, which is sure to bring with it some bad shit. Though you have a feeling you might be in a bit over your head with this case, you still took it on, as you felt it your obligation to do so. Also, the chick who asked you to was pretty.

Now, you're sitting in the tavern, waiting for nightfall to come. And with it, the ghosts.

What do you do?

Rolled 4

>>30987829

Get my ghost hunting gear together and do a quick reading of the tarot. What are we going to fight tonight?

>>30987829

Prepare our IRON GAUNTLETS of GHOST PUNCHING

Tonight will be black...WITH FISTS

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Rolled 3

>>30987829
>What do you do?

Rip off our shirt dramatically, revealing our reality-bending alterego, shatter the fourth wall with one fanservice-induced butt-twerk, and give up our own life-essence to make the universe a better place: By moving to a d8 system, where people live *slightly longer* and thus become more interesting in doing so, before they roll a one and inevitably die

Rolled 5

>>30987901

Rolled 1

>>30987925

Yes, let us sacrifice ourselves for the good of all men IN ALL WORLDS, IN ALL TIMES!

>>30987965
You fucking faggot.

Rolled 4

>>30987981

Hey, dying for the GOOD OF THE MULTIVERSE does require us to, y'know, DIE.

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>>30987895
>>30987930

You take out your IRON GAUNTLETS OF GHOST PUNCHING, alongside your satchel of salt. Those are really the only two tools any ghost hunter needs.

Consulting the Tarot, you flip the Chariot. The Chariot... representing war, struggle, and difficult victories. Well, that's a fucking sucky omen, isn't it?

>>30987925
>>30987965
Sorry, but no. Quick deaths keep the stories fresh, and as we've seen, we can still get some good tales going. I find the high death rate more fun this way. Also, if people don't roll a fuckton between posts, we won't die as quickly. So keep that in mind.

>>30988055

Putting away the Tarot card back into the deck, you sigh. This is gonna be a long night.

As your sigh fades away, the wind begins to pick up outside, and howl. And the howling of the wind is soon joined by other ghostly wails... it seems that the hauntings have begun.

What do you do?

Rolled 3

Put a Jason mask on and start Halloween early by dick punching every male you meet.

Rolled 6

>>30988071
Begin to contact them through the medium of interpretive dance.
That's how it works, right?

Rolled 4

>>30988179
you know, in case of ghosts.

Rolled 3

Summon all your previous lives as your companions and paint the town red. (you know with blood)

>>30988179
>>30988203

You don't have a Jason mask handy, but you carve one out of some wood you find in the tavern. It's a bit itchy, and you bet it'll give ya splinters, but it suffices.

Slamming open the door of the tavern, you find yourself face to face with a whirlwind of ghosts in the town square. The geist gale stops as they turn to face you and your ridiculous mask. Probably should take care of this first.

>>30988184

You undulate rhythmically into the town square, then do the splits. The ghosts look on in a mixture of confusion and awe.

You grab one of the ghosts by the shoulders, then spin it around and lower it dramatically. The ghost blushes as it looks deep into your eyes. Picking it back up, you throw it away, then bow to the ghosts. They clap appreciatively.

You drop to the ground and do a handstand, then roll into a somersault. Mid-air, you begin to spin, and land spinning on your head, before seguing into the best breakdance routine this life AND the afterlife has ever seen. At the end, you spin to a stop, and the ghosts applaud thunderously.

>>30988248

Rising up from the ground, an ancient and deep power swells up within you. The memories of lost and ancient lives - of prior selves - begin to bombard your mind. You remember dungeons, wizards, pirates, enlightened outlaws, and most importantly, legions of lascivious whores. Overwhelmed by your past lives, one of them surges to the forefront - an image of a barbarian king standing atop a panzer tank.

You open your eyes to find that you've slaughtered the ghosts, which apparently have phantasmal blood, as you're positively soaked with it. Another blink, and you realize that this ain't any ethereal blood on your hands. You flat out killed everyone in the village.

Well, shit... now what?

Rolled 3

What we try every night pinkie we conquer the world!

Rolled 5

>>30988338
Well now that we've remembered all the whores, it wouldn't be right not to have them. Let's get some whores.

>>30988338
Fuck the next thing you see.

>>30988385

You set forth from the humble town of Bumsville - now slaughtered - to conquer the world with the might and knowledge of each of your past lives. But, first things first....

>>30988423

What world conqueror would be complete without their hordes of whores? As a medium, luckily, you've got just the thing... using your spiritual summoning powers, you summon up every single whore that has ever lived to serve in your legions of spectral strumpets. Surrounded by phantasmal prostitutes is truly the best way to live.

But you're not yet complete. It is time to set forth and conquer the world. What land shall you conquer first?

Rolled 1

The mystical land of Hollywood. Along the way you also acquire a loyal Hastur and Bast.

>>30988526

You venture forth to Hollywood, but before you can reach it, you decide to acquire the loyal servant of one of your past lives - Hasntur.

A few days later, you are standing before the slaughtered Cult of Hasntur. Behind them lies a pedestal, with the scroll holding his summoning rites written in blood. You step delicately over their bodies, and grab the paper, and read from it the Thing in Yellow's name three times -

Unfortunately, he proves to be far less loyal to you than he was to your past life. You have died.

Please be patient, a new character is being sculpted out of meatbread...

>>30988526
Something tells me we should stop trying to bring back the dead.

>>30980009

You are a ROBOT COP. You are currently standing on a rooftop, holding a laser pistol against the head of a filthy criminal. He is the first member of the notorious Syndicate, a shadowy and secretive organization of hackers seeking to bring down the absolute law of the Government. It is your duty to kill him here, as your are judge, jury, and executioner.

He is pleading with you to spare his live, and trying to explain the injustices of the Government to you.

What do you do?