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So this so-called "King of the Undead" wants to put in a scrying pool right?

>yeah, a scrying pool

And he gives us dimensions. 50*50, 25 deep, like a swimming pool... And wants us to do the work for 5k GP?

>haha, who does he think he is?

For a wizard he ain't that bright!
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Fucking construction crews.

>Pay for work on my Dungeon of Endless Screams
>Tell majordomo to hire local help to cut corners
>Go to site to cut the ribbon
>see following

Now I'm scraping my skull on every fucking doorway. And the food service costs dwarfed any savings for hiring local.

Damn unions.
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You wat mate?
>Hey Ron, did you see this blueprint?
No Billy, let me take a look
>This fuckin' guy, he wants this giant room, hundred feet across, domed roof, solid stone floors, all that jazz
Imprisoning a purple worm to guard the treasure, huh? I guess no one told him those guys can tunnel through solid rock?
>Hahaha! Wizards, man.
>Oh man, this is too precious. Ron, get over here! Look at what Baron Von Skullfuck wants to install on his death chamber!
What? No. There's no way that's a level to disable all the traps at the END of the hallway. Has he given five seconds of thought to this? Billy, someone's got to tell him.
>5k commission is 5k commission, Ron.
"Hey Phil! This wizard doesn't want us to install ANY bathrooms in his tower? He's not one of those liches, is he?"

"Bags of holding, Tom. Get back to work."

"Holy shit I hate wizards."
>You know Ron, I've been thinking
What now, Billy?
>If Baron Skullfuck wants to safeguard his obsidian dildo of world ending or whatever, why pay us to build this big elaborate tower of traps and death? Why not just open an account at that bank in the capital and put it in a safe deposit box?
Billy, this commission will let my wife remodel our living room. Do you want to be the one to tell her that can't happen because you asked too many questions?
>Sorry Ron

Hey! You bring some biscuits for all that jelly!

>Ron! That's the Queen of Succubi!

Oh yeah, so can suc-you-my and his too!

>Ron, let's just get back to measuring out the master raperoom

You never let me have any fun on the job site.
Does this floor plan contain any windows at all? Or Ventilation?

No, what's the issue?

Dude, we are making an underground labyrinth lined with torches and creatures. How the fuck are these things gonna breathe? How are WE gonna breathe when we get further along?

Our client is a big shot yuppie Lich. I don't think actually thought that through. Although I must admit, I didn't think about that until now either.
>alright Will this guy wants a Pool of Terror right here in this narrow hallway, you know so people walk by and look in and BOO it scares their pants off.

ok, that's no big we'll just make the pool and-

>problem is the guy ain't no wizard, he's a monk

alright... well we can't cast no spells or nothin... how are we gonna make a Pool of Terror without magic?

>well, Will we gonna have to just put something in there that will actually scare em. How about a picture of ya ma! hah!
>yuppie Lich

Hey Frank. Innit dat guy supposed to be hundreds of years old?
>He is, in his own words, "beyond such concepts of age and time".
Yeah, yeah, whaddeva. The point is, how can ol' dustybones be a "young urban professional" if 'es older than dirt?
>It's all about the mindset, Larry. It's all about the mindset.
Fukkin' yuppies.
>Finally we've finished this fucking Labyrinth
Er, Bill?
Did you remember to bring the floor plans with you?
>Hey Jim, you know that Kobold warren we finished a couple span back?
How could I forget? Had to work on my hands and knees for weeks...
>Well, the little scaly bastards are lodging a complaint with the guild.
What the hell for?
>Turns out that living in heavily trapped warren is dangerous business. Since we upgraded the security, everyone who's tried to break in has been killed...
That seems like mission accomplished, Joe.
>...as has everyone who has tried to leave. They're starving in there.

Hey Frank! What's with all of this red paint?

>Says it has something to do with fang shooy or some shit. All Kara Turan to me man, just keep painting.
>hey Ron
whaddisit bill?
>this here fighter guy wants a pit of eternal fire in his throneroom, but he's refusin' windows and ventilations, blabbing on about assassins. how we gon do this without choking erryone?
I dunno dude, but that's HIS problem.
or do you wanna talk to the guy with skulls for a belt about how we can't do what he wants?






>Yuppie Liches.

Do you like Tenser and The Scrys?

They're OK.

Their early level spells was a little too 1st ed for my tastes, but when Tome of Understanding came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole tome has a clear, crisp legibility, and a new sheen of stat buffs that really gives the spells a big boost. He's been compared to Bigby, but I think Tenser has a far more quicker, streamlined system of spells.

Hey Vecna.

Yes, Mordenkainen?

Why are there copies of the explosive-roons? all over the place, d-do you have a familiar? A little crow or something?

No, Mordenkainen.

Is that a Robe of Archmagi?

Yes it is! In '87, Tenser published this, Tome of Clear Thought, their most accomplished Tome. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Magic Missle", a spell so spammy, most people probably don't read the descriptions. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of save-less damage, and the importance of auto hits, it's also a personal statement about the wizard himself.

Hey Mordenkainen!

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>Hey, Steve!
Yeah, Fred?
>Boss wants his lair staffed with golems, yeah? Why don't we just get the golems to build the lair for us?

I know wizzards ain't gotta explain shit, the bag of holding covers that.

But how the hell do they wipe their arses after? Or do all wizzards wander around with shitty buttholes all the time?
They wipe it on the bag.
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Mage hand's more erotic cousin mage tongue.

Or an apprentice with a shit fetish.

Wouldn't you run out of material to wipe on eventually? Even by using hands outside the bag to wipe on the inside of the bag I would imagine that eventually you would run out of accessible surface area from the interior of the bag to wipe on.

Even if that doesn't happen, who the fuck would want to wipe their arses on something as rough as a bag of holding?

Mean seriously, these wizzards need to think their shit through
...how can they lodge a complaint with the guild if they can't get to the guild offices?
>you would run out of accessible surface area from the interior of the bag to wipe on.
>you would run out of accessible surface area from the interior
>you would run out of surface area
>bag of holding

Yeah I know - let me break down the chain of thought here.

>Outside has a set surface area
>interior is not
>but you try manipulating a bag, to wipe your arse with when the outside is a set size and the inside does not match that size.

Don't get me mistaken, you would have a lot of room to wipe your arse on, but you would eventually run out of manipulatory, wipeable area before you just start turning the bag onside out, and when that bag is a magic space filled with a fucktonne of human shit.

Therefore, another means of arse wiping is required, unless you want to wipe with the outside of the bag or get shit on your hands. Or worse - a shitsplosion of epic proportions.
Bags of holding are not infinite; logically, he would need to change or empty bags as they filled with shit, and would probably take a moment to clean them at that time.

Or, just cast Prestidigitation.
Hoooooly shit.
A true wizard would have some teleportation and scurrying spells prepared.
A true wizard would also have someone he doesn't really like.

My dissertation on by-planar matter manipulation is shit, is it?

"Mundane arcana", you'll see mundane arcana.

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Glorious! My Stercobilinogen Golem components have arrived!

Dare you enter my magical realm?
>Building a nice en suite for the Emperor of Blood
>Decanter of Endless Water spa built-in
>tfw the command words get mixed up and geyser mode achieved

Now I've got to cover water damage because some apprentice can't understand basic fucking CW etiquette.

I'm going to be out of house and home with all the after work i have to put in. What do my fellow buildbros suggest to unfuck this situation?
My GM made a mad-libs-esque dungeon called the Tomb of OSHA-Non-Compliance before. And we have also braved the Exploding Barrel Factory, the company that makes the generic red exploding barrels in every videogame ever.

>Tomb of OSHA-Non-Compliance

Oh, you think it's all so funny don't you? As a Certified Dungeon Inspector I have to go around and take grievances. Tell me, do you know the correct candlepower for a Ominous Sconce? How does one measure the thermal units produced by a Hellforge to prevent heat exhaustion?

I'm there for the employees, and for your safety. I don't know how many times a bad paving stone or a misplaced grate has allowed adventurers to come in and slaughter dozens of innocent security contractors!

The Planar Occupational Safety/Security Exchange stands for the rights of any goblin, troll, golem (no matter their material composition) or negative-energy compositive entity to live a life safe from hazard. Our Scholar's Retreats allow for qualifying undead mages a comfortable, safe place to continue work on their rituals at taxpayer expense.
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You could always create manure golems.
Please tell me he took you to Henchmen-R-Us as well.
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I honestly don't mind working for wizards or liches, most of them kind of fucken understand that in order to have a decent fucken dungeon, it takes a fair bit of fucken work and if you want it good.
You aren't getting gobbies or orks to build the cunt to any kind of standard.
For starters, I've got a fucken hammer that's smarter than the average gobbo, it's held up pretty well considering, but its still pretty fucking stupid even for a +3 hammer of nail bashing.
Then there's orcs, the only thing lazier than an orc is a fucking ogre because the fat cunts always want a break for elevensies or some shit. We had a half orc on the crew for a while but the silly cunt went off adventuring with some elves and some stuntys for better pay. I dunno about that, having your arm cut off, diseased or fucked up with some kind of fire breathing reptile isn't a real smart career move in my fucking opinion. But I suspect he was a bit dim to begin with.

Speaking of stunties, fuck those guys.
Seriously, fuck em all, whole craftsmanship thing is overrated.
We had this one bloke that wanted his dungeon renovated and was once some old stunty burrow. Good walls and all, if you're a fucking midget... we spent the better part of a year just getting the ceilings done right and then the trap guy turns up halfway through saying he's got to put in the traps now, 'cause he's not getting paid by the hour. Fuck that guy. Not my fucken problem I said, you go talk to the boss and sort it out with him because its NOT FUCKEN FINISHED YET!
Never saw him again.
The funny thing is any real wizard would just dominate person the crews.
motherfucking bamp
Okay, so the plan was this: excavate an oval tunnel from both sides, turn it into an arched hallway with an extra two feet of space for traps under the floor and in the ceiling, plus the usual bottomless pits (installed later, for obvious reasons). Problem was, we ran into the same enormous boulder. So, we hired some local help.
Well, I get this jackhat on my crew, must have been some kind of wizard, but his magic could barely heat water. What he could do, was shout. Seriously, guy was like 100 Enhance Voice spells in one. So, he gets this bright idea.
"I'll just concentrate my voice and shout the tunnel open." -the retard.
I decide to leave and supervise the delivery of some fine mead to my gullet and not fifteen seconds later, I hear "FUS RO DAH" followed by a loud crash.
I rush in, and not only did chucklefuck here attempt to shout the tunnel open, he only succeeded in shoving the boulder blocking our progress into the other tunnel. Now, we were on break at the time, but lo and behold, Lord Direchious the Vile, Seer of the Unseen, Skeleton Slavemaster of a Thousand Souls, had been inspecting aforementioned boulder with eyes on destroying it with magic. It also turns out that carrying your phylactery around your neck is a bad idea.
Dominate only issue basic commands though. Unless you took a degree in architecture, you basically got a zombie with physical needs.
>"Design and build me a dungeon, you mindslaved pleb"
>"Yes Master"

Fucking done
If they have a great personality and they're not great combatants... then who fucking cares?

Well, let's just say hypotetically ok? What if they have a great RP skills?

>all laugh

I know, I know.

>all in unison
There are no fighters with good RP skills
A good skill consists of a Dwarf with a high fort save, who will satisfy all hp tanking demands without being too healing dependent after encounters, and who essentially will keep their low cha fucking mouth shut.

The only fighters with good RP who are smart or maybe funny or halfway intelligent or skilled, though god knows what the fuck that means, are Monks.


And this is because they have to make up for how fucking useless they are.
Basic command you fool.

basically, lift that, carry that, stack it there kind of shit.
So basically they'd be a project foreman?
No, foreman still needs to know what they are actually doing. Charts need to be read, things gotta be done in order for things to be built.
I mean the wizard using dominate person.

Which is pretty much how it works in real life.

"If you and the subject have a common language, you can generally force the subject to perform as you desire, within the limits of its abilities. If no common language exists, you can communicate only basic commands, such as "Come here," "Go there," "Fight," and "Stand still." You know what the subject is experiencing, but you do not receive direct sensory input from it, nor can it communicate with you telepathically."

So in other words, as long as you share a common language, you can tell them to design and build a dungeon and they'll do that.

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