You're the guy in charge of a powerful fantasy kingdom - either the king or emperor, if he's the type of a dude to deal with important matters personally, or then his advisor or accountant or council leader or whoever calls all the shots. Life's good, peace prevails, everyone is doing great, and then suddenly the tarrasque wakes up and everyone collectively shits themselves.Only it turns out it doesn't actually do much of tearing the kingdom a new asshole, like you'd expected it to do. Instead it mostly just goes wherever the fuck it wants to, eats the occasional sheep, and sits for rest or falls asleep at night wherever it wants, and not many can do anything about it. The mighty heroes you've gathered just shrug their shoulders and say they don't really feel like risking their lives against it since, you know, it's not doing much anything.You have three days before the Tarrasque reaches your capital city, doubtlessly planning to take a huge nap right in the middle of the road or something else lazy as fuck. What will you do?
>>33912798Sell tickets to the event for tourists, make a killing out of souvenirs and t-shirts.
Rolled 9>>33912798I ROLL TO SEDUCE THE TARRASQUE
>>33912798It likes sheep right? Try to get some guys to run some herd animals to lure it away from the capital. To a country I don't like if at all possible. Or find something shiny. Dumb animals (and the Tarrasque is acting a lot like one) love shiny.But basically try to peacefully lure it somewhere else.
>>33912812>Monetize and make merchandise out of the Tarrasque and its lazy ass reign of fatty fat terror>T-shirts>Plushies>Tarraurgers with Fries>Kids horn hats>ACTION FIGURES with real roar action>Beer fermented with the moss off of its tailBRILLIANTWE'LL MAKE BILLIONSSTART RIGHT AWAY AND GET A MOVING CARNIVAL TO FOLLOW ITRASQUEFEST 2014 SHALL BE THE BEGINNING
>>33912812>>33912868>Tarrasque snatches every single piece of fried food you try to make anywhere near itLooks like your recipe is too good. Now what?
Pack up all of the towns shit and become nomadic ticket sellers. Follow the Tarrasque around. Have a bunch of buildings put on hugeass carts. Keep the carts near the Tarrasque. When it looks tired, move them close. Tarrasque takes a snooze, building gets wrecked! Sell tickets to this affair. Bam. Kingdom rich, disaster averted.
hold a competition among all herders, rangers and tamers to see who can domesticate it worst case scenario the event will generate enough revenue to repair the damages, best case scenario the kingdom has a new mascot
Hug the tarrasque
>>33912892charge people double, first for the food, then for the "feeding the tarrasque" attraction
>>33912898>The Tarrasque awakening becomes a millenial superfair type thing where you get to travel all across the world in an endless megaparty and carnival watching shit get boomed and making insane cash or just having the time of your lifeand suddenly the Tarrasque is the most anticipated event on the Material Plane
>>33912898It's basically a circus, isn't it?
>>33912817It rolls over in its sleep and crushes you.
>>33912898I have a better ideawhat if we build a new capitol ONTOP of the tarrasque the creature seems placid enough and it might even appreciate us cooking his sheep before he eats them
>>33912932It' a fantasy version of a monster truck event, except with a bigass dinosaur as the main attraction. Well, the only attraction.
>>33912937>>33912932and then a bunch of radical druids try to boycott your event for exploiting a living creature for entertainment
>>33912966An ENDANGERED living creature, at that.
>>33912955>except with a bigass dinosaur as the main attraction. Well, the only attraction.nah, every nation will have at least a couple of heroes full enough of themselves they want to slay the tarrasque, it never works but the ticket sales are immense
>>33912955But it also combines a wandering festival approach where everyone follows and celebrates the creature.Which considering the time it takes would make for a great game setting and excuse for massive cultural diversity. And drinking.>>33912966Man nobody can bloody kill or even get close to the thing, what the fuck do they care thousands of people are trailing behind and having a good time, fucking killjoys
>>33912955https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhJeoXxEGvYI dunno, seems like it could be cool
>>33912980>immortal>functionally indestructible >endangeredI don't think that word means what you think it means
>>33912994EVEN TARRASQUES HAVE FEELINGS YOU KNOW
>>33913022Never reason with druids. Too much forest juice has put holes in their shitty heads.
>>33912984Of course we will make them pay to fight the tarrasque.
>>33912966>druids don't attend>nobody cares>try to communicate to tarrasque>it misses the sheep next to them and eats them>nobody cares>local circus with malnourished and mistreated bears and tigers wonders how they got away with it
>>33913022Well, it cannot propagate its species so by definition it is 'endangered'. Unless a local dragon wants to help, of course...
>>33913026Yes. The feelings, thanks to empaths, has been ctalogued. They are as follows:>Walk Walk>Chew Chew>Fat Fat>Sleep Sleep>Claw Claw
>>33912994>fucking killjoysDid you know there is only a SINGLE Tarrasque left in this world? And you are polluting its environment with all kinds of fatty oils and paper hats. Think of the poor creature, it needs room to live its life and you ENSLAVE it for your own pleasuresI bet this is why its the only one left because of carnies like you well us druids for ethical treatment of megafauna are petitioning the emperor of the western continent to outlaw your entire organization
>>33913068>left in this world?There was only a single tarrasque to begin with. The same one. This is like saying gods are endangered species.
>>33913088Gods are people. Tarrasque isn't.
>>33913068The Emperor has a bounty on all your heads. This event brings in more money for each affected kingdom than slaying every dragon on the goddamn continent. Most druids either signed a pledge to Not Give A Fuck, else there's standing orders to brane you and feed you to the animals you love so damn much.Now cram it and have some deep fried parasite scrapped from the legs of the thing. It's delicious. We got Mindflayers wearing the white robes of treaty peace just so they can have a chance to buy and eat some. God DAMN can those squids drink.
>>33912994>you meet in a tavernBoring.>the tavern is on the backnof a tarrasqueWhat?>the tarrasque unwittingly hosts a massive travelling carnival that the tavern is a part ofHoly shit, seriously?>It is the true party that never ends, the city that walks and the light of life in all ways with the glory and depravity that entails>You meet... in a tavern.
you're all forgetting one major source of incomeTarrasque droppings cleanup. He eats a herd of sheep every few days so there's going to be a lot of waste, and it just happens there's some expert cleaners around, for the right price.Well you could always not pay and try to shovel 20 tons of highly combustible manure out of your town square, but good luck with that
>>33913103Neither are earthquakes, you haven't made a preservation society for those.
>>33913122>RADICAL DRUIDS BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!>THEY CROWD IN AND LEER AT EVERYONE PRESENT, AND BRANDISH THEIR WEAPON:>*PETITIONS WITH PENS TO SIGN THEM!!!*
>>33913108hah, thats what he thought but we've done the calculations and your entire caravan technically doesn't pay taxes because the back of your monster is an official nation, its a huge drain on all it walks through
>>33913128Maybe it's like Pacific Rim kaiju poop and with a little light alchemy it makes *shit* tons of fertiliser and reagents. The night soil men then sell it on and make even more mad monies.
>>33913103That's speciest thing to say! Of course animals are people just like you and me!
>>33913128The manure is absurdly valuable for farming. There's teams who do it for free to get their share to go sell in market.
if this thing is making the kingdom a killing in ticket sales, do you think other kingdoms would try to lure it over to there kingdom with sheep or something so they could try to cash in on the Tarrasque cirrus?
>>33913159>you haven't made a preservation society for those.We've successfully petitioned the plane of earth to release some of their native earthquakes into the material plane after a mad wizard ended them foreverimagine, earthquakes going extinct, the horror, but luckily us druids fixed that
>>33913190>and thus began the tarrasque cold war
>>33913190Of course, it's a huge competition to get the thing to pass through their areas. Meticulous planning, absurd stunts, national wheeling and dealing, the works.
>>33913193You are truly the heroes we deserve.
>>33913173>>33913186well that's why we don't tell anyone technically that heap of shit on their main road is worth its weight in gold first we gather money for cleaning it up and after we let our alchemists do their magic we sell it BACK to them at a high price
>>33913165>ROLL FOR INITIATIVE>the head druid goes first, shoving the petition in Borgar's face>"Surely a man of the wild and earth such as yourself can see what these men have done to such a magnificent beast? Shackled it with the chains of commerce and greed! Sign here and help us in our struggle to free this noble beast from his bondage!">he presses a charcoal pencil into your hands, what do you do?
>>33913193>imagine, earthquakes going extinct, the horror, but luckily us druids fixed thatI hate druids SO FUCKING MUCH
>>33913212and then it turns out the Tarrasque Fair Guild actually takes the vast majority of the income
>>33913225>"BROGAR NO THEY'LL PUT YOU ON A MAILING LIST" begs Maple, and wouldn't a dryad know about these things? And yet the pencil. So light and new looking. All you have to do is sign your name, and it'll make you instantly feel like You Made A Difference. It'll even come with a free cookie!
>>33913221Occasionally the head wizard or miscellaneous arcanist of the town comes along and magicks it away, there's enough magical essence in that stuff to warrant "squeezing" it out for them. Turns it into ashes and dust of course.Annoying, but there's enough money left over that the nightsoil men can take the hit, they have regular carnie jobs when they don't work the freelance alchemical supply trade.
>>33913225I roll seduction on the Tarrasque.
>>33913231earthquakes are a NATURAL part of this world, just as tornadoes the latter we managed to actually strengthen with some careful breeding, they had grown rather weak over the centuries, unable to feed themselves properly and couldn't even uproot a single tree anymore, it was saddening to see a mighty species go down like that, but with your help we can bring them back
>>33913261Oh fuck. And Brogar has a shit will save. This is why they target the barbarians first!
>>33913280>The petitioner is wearing a rather revealing leaf robe, as well.>She smiles at Brogar, and touches his hand as she hands him the pencil.>ADDITIONAL -4 PENALTY
>>33913269That's 5 gold per kiss, 22 for 5 and 39 for 10, and get back in line, there's 500 plus waiting
Rolled 4>>33913269>>33913291Fuck off I roll for myself.Or do I have to beat that?
>>33913291The Tarrasque is revolted by you, shakes itself just to get you off his back.Which also causes an earthquake.
Rolled 6>>33913315Then I seduce the very ground itself!
>>33913315THE TARRASQUE IS A NATURAL SOURCE OF ENDANGERED EARTHQUAKESDRUIDS RENEW YOUR RESOLVES
>>33913277I'M GOING TO INVENT COAL WHILE EATING A DODO BIRD JUST TO SPITE YOU
>>33913331The ground rejects you.
>>33913315The druids rejoice. They are then stepped on by the tarrasque. Two narrowly survive thanks to quick mole shape shifts and tunnelling.
Rolled 11>>33913340Then I seduce, you..............
>>33913335EARTHQUAKES ARE NOT A RENEWABLE RESOURCE
Rolled 20>>33913355OH COME ON CAN'T I SEDUCE ANYTHING?THIS IS BULLSHIT I INTIMIDATE REALITY!
>>33913355You are the worst at seducing, aren't you anon. Maybe you should just quit.
>>33913370Reality is scared of you, and becomes quite irate.You cease to exist as it tosses you out.
>>33913370Reality rejects you, you're left in space as gravity lets you go and the planet just keeps on going around the sun.
Rolled 20>>33913307not worry Brognar resist druid lure
Rolled 1>>33913375SHUT UP BOY I JUST INTIMIDATED REALITY ITSELF!I AM BROLAIRE OF ASSTORA REBORN!
>>33913397Brognar resists so hard he realizes his homosexuality.
>>33913397Ya did good Brognar.
Rolled 11>>33913404shit..........................................I roll to not cry like a bitch.
>>33913404Non-existence doesn't like you either. It tosses you into Idaho, where all things that all things do not want must go, in the end.
>>33913370while you can't seduce shit you do seem to be one scary motherfucker
>>33913397>Maple is overjoyed. She is taking you out tonight for the festival so you can celebrate your newfound sense of self and homosexuality so you can hook up with some cute little elf thing.>THE DRUIDS ARE DEFEATED>YOU GAIN 30 XP AND A SENSE OF SELF-WORTH>PARTY ON
>>33913423You don't cry like a bitch. You just sniffle a bit.
Rolled 13>>33913431Decades of being blueballed will do that to you.Rolling to seduce, myself?
Gather up as many adamant chains as possible, lure it into a nearby canyon with all the livestock we can muster. Chain it down tightly, keep it trapped. Harvest its flesh for enough meat to feed the kingdom for eternity, since it just regenerates it anyway.
>>33913423Sorry. In Idaho, all rolls become a 10, and end in utter mediocrity.Your journey is over.
>>33913464The council vetoes you so hard your dick nearly falls off. You'd be costing them and a lot of people a LOT of money with this shitbrained scheme. GET OUT.
Rolled 11, 17, 6, 12, 20, 7, 2, 7, 8, 19 = 109>>33913467I, I can't lose now.I may not even like myself but dammit I. WILL. SEDUCE. SOMETHING!MAXIMUM SEDUCTION WORKS
Let it sleep. Fuck, I don't want to piss of THE FUCKING TARRASQUE. Once it beds down, I'll rope off the area so no one fucks with it. Or tries to fuck it.Then, I'm going to see if its intelligent by sending my court Wizard and Jester to talk to it.
>>33913483hold on his idea may be salvageable, a part of his back contains little to no nerve endings so it may be possible to harvest part of that meat and sell it as the worlds most exquisite meat to various nobles and doges and best part we can artificially keep the supply low to drive up prices by claiming the creature needs to "recover"
>>33913500Are the Wizard and Jester the same guy, if not why are you sending the Jester and if they are why are you sending a magic clown?
>>33913521Always send a magic clown. You never know.
Rolled 1>>33913494I did it.I finally got some.I can die now.Rolling to die like a man.
>>33913521Partly for the lulz, partly because he Tarrasque might have a good sense of humor and the Wizard would be all dry.Also, if everything fails and the Wizard is humiliated, I want the Jester there to watch so he can make me laugh later.
>>33913531THE ADVENTURE CONTINUES, ANON
>>33913531You die like a woman. Then come back to life as a tormented undead.
>>33913531you accidentally cut off your own genitalia while trying to kill yourself, you die like a bitch in every possible way
>>33913531based /tg/ dice
>>33912941> implying I stick around afterward to cuddleWut r yew, sum kind o faygit?
>>33913450>a Mindflayer approaches! Garbed in white robes it staggers unsteadily towards you, clutching some drooling lump of glistening meat in one hand and a cup of some blood-red liquid in the other!It's wearing trucerobes, eating carnie tarrasque mite carnie food and drunk on mulled wine. Will the party realise this or cause a massive incident? Tune in next time!
Rolled 6>>33913450Brognar see cute elf boy and try to seduce
>>33913291>>33913331>>33913355>>33913370>>33913404>>33913423>>33913460>>33913494>>33913531Oh lord someone cap this adventure, it's /tg/ dice in a nutshell
>>33913597>BROGNAR NO THAT'S A DRESS ON A MANNEQUIN
Rolled 7>>33913597The elf seduces back.(If he beats you he's top.)
>>33913610A mannequin is fine, too.
Rolled 2>>33913610Brognar not care, Brognar see and Brognar likenow try romantic evening
>>33913500>Hey Ted have you ever wanted, you know, fuck a Tarrasque?>What? Like, is that an euphemism or something?>No, I asked if you literally ever wished you could fuck a Tarrasque. Would you?>...What the fuck man?>Because I would totally do it if I could.>I...I can't even start to put my confusion into words right now. The fuck?>And you know what, as luck would have it there's one sleeping right there on the meadow. Wanna watch me fuck it?>...>Because imma do it like right now.>You know what, yeah, sure. I would like to see that, out of morbid curiosity. No homo.>No homo bro.>Well.>Well.>Looks like somebody put a rope around that sleeping Tarrasque.>Jesus fuck once in a lifetime chance to finally fuck a Tarrasque and some fucker put a rope around it? What the fuck!? What a man is supposed to do in a situation like this? A goddamn rope!>Let it go man, just let it go. It wasn't meant to be.>A fucking rope between me and my dreams. There's no justice in this world.
>>33913628>>33913625The mannequin is on top, turns out to be into BDSM.
>>33913531You die of food poisoning after actually eating carny food. However your name lives on eternally as Anon the Tarrasque-fucker. Insomuch as people laugh at you and your name is invoked to be one who makes terrible choices and ends up screwing himself over, particularly where romance and sex is involved.Everyone in the afterlife has heard of you and laughs themselves sick when they meet you. Including Archons and the like.
Rolled 9>>33913628>BROGNAR THAT WAS A 20,000 GP DRESS AND THE OWNER OF THE CARNIVAL SHOP IS LIVID>BROGNAR>BROGNAR STOP SMOOSHING FOOD INTO ITS FACE>Maple rolls not to cry.
>>33913628The elf boy reveals he was Dio all along.
Related to this... What are sources of petrification? Also Is the Tarraque Immune to this?
>>33913636I'd post guards too.
>>33913644>Thus, Brognar happily dates a golem.
Rolled 18>>33913646maple not cry brognar try cheer up with story
>>33913657I think a man who is determined to fuck a Tarrasque is not deterred by guards nor common sense.
Hey guys it's me Cis the Bard and holy shit Brognar what are you doing to that Mannequin???
>>33913698I bet a spear to the gut would deter him. I'm not going to let someone who is dying to be on the Court Jester's Top Ten humorous death list ruin my kingdom.
>>33913698Bards man. Fuckin Bards.
>>33913687This is why you are Maple's best friend, Brognar.
>>33913726on the other hand it would draw some attention to the fairhm, as long as it doesn't enrage the Tarrasque say we let him try
>>33913712IS NOT MANNEQUIN IS BOYFRIENDLOVE IS REAL
>>33913746Oh shit! Forgot the fair is coming! We need to move it.The risk is too much to let someone get his rocks off. If necessary I'll pay for a few whores to sate him for now.capta: tenderness wsvirdan
>>33913746Is the Tarrasque a boy or girl anyway?
>>33913010And all of a sudden I am sad I wasn't born a redneck.
>>33913766Hey no man it's cool it's cool yeah love and all that shit. Well if you ever need a good romantic song call me up.Ima go talk to that guy that wants to fuck the scaley thing, this'll make a great story hahaha.
>>33913800Is that Cis as in the chord or as in the gender?
>>33913781Well... turns out the only ones who actually know that are the druids and they're refusing to sharewe tried looking under its proverbial skirt but nobody can make sense of it
>>33913800>Thus begin the adventures of a barbarian dating a mannequin, a prude bard, and a dryad, as they follow Rasquefest '99 in pursuit of poon and beercan't make this shit up
>>33912798GET A LARGE NUMBER OF BALLOONSATTACH THEM TO THE TARRASQUEGET A LARGE FANBLOW THE TARRASQUE TOWARDS WHOEVER WE WANT TO TERRIFY
>>33913842terrify maybe not but a flying tarrasque eventnow THAT would bringing some gold, we could even get him inside a major capitol for some festivity, imagine the emperor's youngest son getting a floating tarrasque party for his birthday
>>33913842NO WAIT SCRATCH THAT GET INSTEAD BALLOON'S WEIGHT IN WASPS AND TIE THOSE TO THE TARRASQUE FOR DOUBLE THE TERROR
>>33913882>having to tie tiny ropes to waspsThere isn't enough gold in the universe to pay for that.
Time to wear my suit again!
>>33913876Imagine if the royal family tamed the Tarrasque. They'd instantly be the most powerful kingdom ever.
>>33913833The cord obviously. Once I got a knife through the leg after introducing myself as Cis. People man I tell ya.>>33913840I love /tg/>>33913842
>>33913890THEN WE ENCHANT SPIDERS TO DO THAT FOR US
>>33913890WHAT ABOUT THE JAPANESE GIANT WASP?
>>33913934Congratulations, you've just started the wasp-spider war. All of reality is doomed.
>>33913891Did you draw this just now for this thread, or is there a story behind it?
>>33913045With that regeneration rate? Sure it can. Just slice it in half down the middle.
>>33914012>inb4 druid STOP CRUELTY TO ANIMALS petition
>>33914012How would you slice a tarrasque down the middle?
>>33914068pick an end and start cutting
>>33914012You'd have to slice it, like, exactly at the middle, down to the smallest bit. What if it has one blood cell more to the left side than the right side, it wouldn't work then.
>>33914088Drop it from really high up onto a long wedge.
>>33914088You'd need to be very fast or else it'd regenerate the wound before you're fully through.
>>33914112that just means you have to keep trying until you get it right
>>33914112hm if that works what about melting him down and splitting him into 100 or so exactly equal volumes
>>33914129pick an end and start cutting quickly then GEEZ DO I HAVE TO SPECIFY EVERYTHING
>>33913040>some guy gets eaten>nobody caresNoFrom now on crazy strict safety ruled get enforced by the state
>>33914156TARASQUE TITRATIONS, BIG MONSTERS BIG PRIZES I LOVE IT.Mad cymist has created vast lab to split tarrasque down to 1 million equal parts. NOW THATS A PLOT HOOK.
>>33913045>yes my character is half-dragon half-tarrasque what about it
>>33914173You mean a rope around the Tarrasque?
>>33914185What would you even do with a cup of diluted Tarrasque?
>>33914229wait for it to regenerate into an adult tarrasque you silly
>>33914229Pour it out, and then you have a Tarresqueling.
Okay waitWith the way belief works in DnD, if you have enough sick-ass carnivals around the tarrasque, and enough people look forward to these parties and have a great time at the carnival, how long before the tarrasque becomes the new god of partying?
>>33912798This summer a new hollliday is created. Come eat some sausages and see the lizard.Lil geckos ballons for the wee ones and games like "squeeze my lizard" for the olde ones.
>>33914363>squeeze my lizardElaborate
>>33914363this is a blue board, anon. You know i cant.
>>33914256There are dozens of Gods of partying. Most likely, the tarrasque will become the New God of Ill-Advised-But-Fortunate Occasions, a very prestigious position indeed.
>>33914470Just keep him fed. And dont let Godzilla hear about it.
>>33914437This is meant to: >>33914412
>>33914540>This ThreadApparently... Simpsons did it.
So... Who's throwing this in their next setting? Maybe.. Maybe.. Give the players a contract out on one of the Master of the Bazaar?The carnivals and bazaar have grown in economic and political strength to essentially be a travelling city state, and those in charge are like CEOs of fantasy megacorps, each with their own specialties. Its not merely Tarrasque-based businesses they own, but terrestrial ones too. Killing one will be difficult. Killing one and getting away with it will be harder.Their target is Mr. Scales. A man who owns the leatherworking and related businesses near entirely in three countries. From standard leather to giant bug chitin to dragon scales he can source them and sell them. Even tarrasque hide...Who are your shadowy robed employers, and what is their stake in all this? The answers are all aboard the travelling city, surrounding and utop the great beast itself. And as luck would have it, it shall be passing fairly close by a neighbouring city soon. Predictamancers and psions believe it to then browse in the Great Plains afterwards, with no major cities beyond barbarian camps for at least three months. >what do you do?
>>33912892Scold it for being Greedy.Being a Monster gives it no excuse to be a dick. I imagine it's mother would be ashamed.
>>33914922>inb4 Mister Scales is the Tarresque working through a mind slaved mortalI'd play it. Love the idea of travelling carnivals and stuff.
Rolled 20Rolling to kick the bastard to the moon
>>33915043>trying to insert an Echo Bazaar reference>mfw you come up with something totally geniusThis must be what DMs feel like...
>>33915096You kick him to the moon... which is currently on the other side of the earth. It ends up crashing through the planetary core and destroying everything.
>>33915101>Echo Bazaar referenceWhat?
Rolled 20>>33915133My job is complete, everyone's fun has been ruined. No need to thank me.>rolling to impress people
>>33915166People are very impressed and become your biggest fans, for all the three seconds before they die.
Rolled 20>>33915185Clearly, I was so awesome the planet realized nothing could ever top me and just decided to give up right there.
Rolled 4>>33915213Somewhere a quest thread is pissed off because all their nat20's are missing.
>>33915213>Three fucking twenties in a rowDid you pre-roll your dice, anon?
>>33915142Echo Bazaar, otherwise known as Fallen London is a... Actually I'll just nab Wikipedia's first sentence. Fallen London, originally titled Echo Bazaar and developed by Failbetter Games, is a browser-based choose-your-own-adventure game set in "Fallen London", an alternative Victorian London with gothic and steampunk overtones. I'd argue against the steam punk aspect, there's very little that could be so described as such. Imagine Victorian London, now out it in a giant cave underground. Always pitch black. So there's candles, oil lamps and blubber burning. Now add a helping of Gothic horror, romance and a sprinkling of Lovecraft. Then a spoonful of black humor in the British sense of the term, wit, charm and some damn good storytelling and you have it. Seriously fucking play it. Fallen London. It's free, there's a huge thing on real life friend player interaction if you want and shit to do all around. It starts off small and focussed but quickly becomes huge. Fucking play it.
>>33915277Oh, Fallen London. I played it for a few days. Lost interest.
Rolled 14>>33915261Nope.I did sacrifice a young Greek boy though.
>>33915277I just wish it wasn't a goddamn multiplayer game. Other people are what ruin everything.
>>33915320>young greek boy>sacrifiedsure anon, sure. Did you use a snake trouser for that?
Rolled 20>>33915370No, I penetrated him with my might sword.
>>33915455All hail the really impressive greek boy perpetrator that so graciously destroyed the earth.
What would your party do if they encountered the travelling carnival?
>>33916956I currently DM a group consisting of Skeletor the undead hunterDick ass Ranger: soon to be leader of a kobold armyShifter Cleric seeking an ancient relic of great powerDruid Halfling that's obsessed with shoesSo dude I have no fucking clue
>>33917083The halfling should try to make shoes for the tarrasque.
>>33917083Bring in the carnival and see what happens.
>>33917122I have actually been theorycrafting just how the fuck im gonna do it so yeah man I am going to haha>>33917119Oh god he probably would that would be fun
How exactly does the Tarrasque feel about all this. I mean being the literal life of the party must be pretty hectic for it.Especially with all these mortals trying to sex/seduce it.
>>33917206Feel funny. Eh. Sheep. Wait. Much less mites. Feel good. Sheep. Remember. Small mind talk. Like. Wanted help me. Is good. Sheep.
Rolled 2>>33917206SsssshhhJust take the D>Rolling to seduce
>>33917271Goddamn no one has been successful at these things.
>>33917300Honestly, there'd be so damn big penalties that even a 20 might not always work out.
Rolled 1>>33917271Damn no one can seduce things in this thread.Trying to see if the circle has been broken.>>33917300Actually some guy got 4 20s for kicing the tarrasque to the moon.I'll try seduce you, if it is below 5 no one can get laid in this realm.
>>33917327Well yeah, but everyone has been so pitiful in the attempts.BRING IN THE BARDS
Rolled 4>>33917350I seduce the Bards!
>>33917327Honestly I think an assisted crit with high stats just means you live. You're also known as the Tarrasque's Mate, and you get free drinks, all the ladies and rude songs for at least month or so.
>>33917343Wow you repulsed me so badly, not even the sexy elf bard lady can make my dick hard again. Thanks to you I can never be seduced again.
Already chatted someone up a tarrasque can't be any harder... right?
>>33917381A victory of sorts, to be sure. At least no one else can have you either.
Rolled 2>>33917386I SEDUCE YOU THROUGH INTIMIDATION!
>>33917392Maybe I can use this power to rule as a lord of succubus
>>33912798I'm thinking mascot. Se about adding that shit to the kingdom's crest. When the shit falls asleep, let kids play on it. Get a couple professional tarrasque wranglers. In the even of a war, try and steer it towards the invading army.
>>33917343well there's the barbarian who managed to seduce a mannequin
Rolled 1I roll to seduce /tg/'s number generator.
Rolled 15Let me show you how it's done.I'm gonna fuck the tarrasque.
Rolled 7Kind of want to archive this thread for both the Tarrasque carnival which is a cool idea and the weird as fuck rolls.
Rolled 10>>33917386fucked up>33917417You fail miserably, not only does your attempted rape fail you're detained for the night by the local guard and are awaiting trial
Rolled 9>>33917448Rolling to try and stabilise.
Rolled 10>>33917464I ROLL TO SEDUCE THE JAIL!
>>33912798Build a fuckoff huge bed, have Tarrasque towed out of the kingdom while it's asleep on it. Take it to luxurious Tarrasque-sized apartment where it lives the life of a middle-class lounge rat.
Rolled 4i seduce the very concept of seduction?
Rolled 13I intimidate the concept of intimidation?
Rolled 13>>33917486You don't quite manage to seduce a jail but you catch theeye of the heavyset 400 pound jailer>gud luk tonight
Rolled 10>>33917602I kick the jailer to the moon
Rolled 15A fuck it I'll roll.Seduce Tarrasque plsI-I hope it's male :3c
Rolled 17>>33917656The Tarrasque seduces back.
Rolled 7I roll to anti-seduce the tarrasque.As in, I roll to make it appealed by me.
Rolled 11>>33917709>appealedAppalled, I mean.
Rolled 13>>33917709The Tarrasque rolls to put you in position.Roll con.nat 20 or die
>>33917626You kick the jailor very hard in the testicles, incapacitating him, allowing you to escape. However you can't live with the crippling paranoi that you're losing your touch. Once upon a time you could kick the tarrasque to the moon now...
Rolled 12 + 0>>33917743Fuck, knew I should have out more into con.
Rolled 8>>33917626I roll to kick YOU to the moon.
Rolled 8>>33917747I roll to use my rage to ascend beyond divine comprehension and become to one above all.
>>33917798And you pass out, your soul leaves your body.
Rolled 9I roll and move out.
Rolled 13I think this is the first thread I've ever seen that got derailed by /tg/'s own RNG rather than any specific person.That said...rolling to Touch tarrasque's scaly tail.
Rolled 11>>33917831I roll to get some sweet spectral ghost ass.
>>33917854I think you can just take ten on that. There's a mite-farming tent setup there, with the workers in harnesses. Not hard to touch something that big.
>>33912932>Omnipresent David Attenboruough comes down from the heavens to give the most euphoric documentary Scrying ever, Wizards collectively cream themselves on the soothiness of his voice and his factual narration on the tarrasque
Rolled 16>>33917878Nah, we doing it live.
Rolled 19>>33917878Can I take ten to cuddle with it too?
>>33917882>Steve Irwin follows and attempts to wrestle the Tarrasque
Rolled 19>>33917914You're not me.>>33917924That is me, and apparently I cuddle the shit out of it's tail.
Rolled 19>>33917930>David and Steve despite being opposites get on well and develop a friendship.
>>33917930> pic related tarrasque style
>>33917930>The entire pantheon of the old Documentary channel as gods in a fantays setting before the fall to ANCIENT ALIENS Demon hordes
Rolled 9MY DICK IS THE DICK THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!
Rolled 7You know why no one here can seduce the tarrasque?Because it's straight!I roll to offer it a virgin woman as sacrifice.
Rolled 6>>33918048I ask the Tarrasque out to the movies and a meal and then take it slow.
Rolled 8>>33918048Okay, plan B.I clone the tarrasque, but make it the opposite gender. I then offer that to the tarrasque.
Rolled 17Rollin to wrassle the beast.
>>33912798>The mighty heroes you've gathered just shrug their shoulders and say they don't really feel like risking their lives against it since, you know, it's not doing much anything.Bullshit, they'd kill it for the XP
Rolled 9>>33918117>I SEDUCE THE XP!
Rolled 9I diplomise the Tarrasque
Rolled 18I... I don't even know anymore /tg/. I roll to see if what I'm seeing is real.
Rolled 18>>33918198I seduce reality!
>>33918198The Tarrasque is indeed in a bunny suit.>>33918219Reality is indifferent.
Rolled 12>>33918243I intimidate the Tarrasque in a bunny suit.
Rolled 17I roll to seduce Brognar's Mannequin.
Rolled 15>>33918312Roll to seduce it instead.
>>33914185>1 million tarrasque unleashed on the world because the scientist slipped on some shit>the entire universe collectively shits itselfAn adventure for characters of level 1000
Rolled 2>>33918420I seduce ALL the Tarrasque's.
Rolled 17>>33918471I seduce you!
>>33918471time to make a new character
>>33918471You have become their collective wife. Roll for anal circumference.
Rolled 18>>33918501I seduce the new character
What is with this thread and seducing everything?>inb4 I seduce you!
Rolled 15I seduce this thread to become something resembling the original topic again, instead of a bunch of silly and random seduction posts.
>>33914068Stand back! I got this shit.
Wait for it to lie down then sneak up on it and throw down a couple of +115 handle animal rolls to tame it.New royal steed, bitches.
>>33918588It has an Int of 3. It's too smart for Handle Animal.
>>33913397Brogar resists so hard, the very fabric of reality shifts and tears until the Druid is actually a homosexual Pit Fiend Lord and the petition is actually his contract to enslave all the Anti-Tarrasque druids to his own demi-plane, and he needs a neutral parties signature to validate the contract.What do you do?
Rolled 3>>33919368I seduce the pit fiend lord
Did you forget your meds again /tg/?
Rolled 1>>33919540I SEDUCE THE MEDS!
>>33919555How are you SO BAD at this?Like, holy shit, an unborn fetus has a greater success rate than you.
Rolled 5>>33919609I did kick the Tarresque into the moon then convinced everyone i was awesome earlier.I just suck at seduction.
>>33919637So.A divine comedy then.Capable of destroying worlds and becoming beloved because of it, incapable of popping your cherry no matter the cult following you end up getting, no matter how many princesses you save or Goddesses to restore to divinity.Damn son.
Rolled 18>>33919710Truly the most tragic hero..........Roll for pity.
>>33919760The universe at large finds your story tragic and disheartening, though their respect for you climbs as they realize the hardships you put up with.You don't get any pity sex though
Rolled 7>>33920078I roll to seduce his followers.
Rolled 15>>33920152I ROLL TO SEDUCE YOU!
>>33920152>>33920231TRUE LOVE AT LAST.Shame neither one of you manages to get it up when the time comes.
Rolled 15>>33920262I roll for an Erection
>>33920300For you, Sir Anon the Chaste, Hero of the Multiverse and He Who Cares Not for Mortal Pleasures, the DC to gain an erection after decades of adventuring and failing to seduce, well, anything, including inanimate objects and various forms of golems and elementals, is DC 60, with a -30 modifier.
Rolled 13>>33920368Then I roll to find my friend a better suited companion.If I cannot satisfy their needs I will not hinder them.
>>33920368>>33920262That's just mean anon.
Rolled 9>>33920231>>33920300I refuse! I roll to resist!
>>33920449It is OK I let you go.Now come and meet some of my followers.
Rolled 5>>33920469I don't need your help getting laid!...stupid sexy white knight....I say that, but it's hard to tell under all that bulky white armor. Maybe you'd be less chaste if you didn't wear that all the time.
>>33913948There's a set of these, should be on suptg under tarrasque somewhere.
>>33917969>prepare to be raped
>>33918097>>33918048Thing is too lazy to fuck.
>>33912798>eats the occasional sheepit is a fucking huge giant monster! with a super big stomach!thats why it attacks cities and destroys civilizations!it doesnt eat occasional sheeps!
>>33922595This suggests a REALLY EFFICIENT digestive tract, negating the "manure profit" suggested by others.
Rolled 6>>33917381Rolling to seduce you so hard you can be seduced again
>>33912798Weaponize the great, slothful beast by granting the first man daring enough to mount the beast and dangle a sheep twelve feet in front of it with a stick with a fiefdom. This man will become my greatest of Knights, the Tarrasque Rider.
>>33914229Fuse it with my blood, wait as I either get torn to shreds or transform into TARRASQUE MAN, greatest of super heroes.
>>33919609It's /tg/ we're talking about here.Do you really expect /tg/ to be skilled in the art of seduction?
>>33931992>>33915593I just noticed that I wrote perpetrator rather than penetrator, but it works just as well.
>>33931072After a few minutes, you become a Tarrasque in a suit. However you are also female. People seem generally receptive of your presence, but they're also confused whether they should be running, hitting on you, hitting you, or offering you food.
Rolled 7>>33933136I roll to do all four: offer food, hit on her, hit her, run.
>>33931992Holy shit someone capped me.
Rolled 16>>33933136I roll to seduce.
>>33933189>>33933219As you step forward with a plate of tacos, you end up tripping and throwing it all into her face. Panicking, you turn to run only to slam into another anon who's trying to play Wonderwall on a lute.
Rolled 4>>33933285Roll not to cry.
>>33933298You whimper and curl up into a ball instead.
Rolled 15>>33933307Roll to ascend to my true form of spaghetti.
>>33933322You become rigatoni instead.
>>33930682Isn't it, like, Int 6? This son-of-a-bitch sounds lazier and less destructive than the norm, but it's still intelligent enough to just flop over on its back, crush the dude, and eat his sheep. Wouldn't even be evil; dude is trying a really stupid trick on a kaiju, he has it coming.