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/tg/ - Traditional Games

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It's that time again /tg/.

>The cockpit windows slot in from the outside. This didn't become a problem until the crew was forced to replace the 3/4" anchor nuts holding it in for 21mm ones due to a logistics cock up.
>The ship is an old NeoComBloc design intended to be operated by conscripts and repaired with a hammer. Unfortunately, it was built shortly after the Second Collapse of the USSR by the Serbian collective with inferior materials and standards.
>The ship's nav-scan array is a very old model, which happens to operate on the standardised weapons targeting frequencies. This has proven problematic.
>Most of the flight computer is programmed in hexadecimal machine code, rather than an accepted language.
>After having to replace almost sixty percent of the grav plating due to an unfortunate grapefruit incident, the crew found that the new plates used a different voltage and current to the original ones. The wiring necessary to convert it has reduced a safety inspector to tears.
>The underlying structure is so totally knackered from years of abuse it requires 30 degrees of roll and 28 degrees yaw just to fly straight when under power.
>Everything in the cockpit can be activated via gesture control. This includes the emergency reactor venting and the ejector seats. How long can you sit still?
>The coffee maker short-circuits the crew lounge TV when used.
>The ship typically makes reentry at about Mach 25, whilst the atmo engines tend to explosively self-disassemble above Mach 5. This causes some problems, as the ship has the aerodynamics of a brick.
There used to be a deck 2.

The reactor runs on 3.125 GHz and the primary converter is specified up to 3 GHz so it shouldn't be a problem unless you try to power every major system at once.

The ship AI only understands LOLcode.

A no longer produced standard has led to a severe shortage of distributor caps which has left many secondary systems unsecured. The panels in front of those dangerous distributors have been marked with a small red circle. The marker has since work off in many places.

There is a persistent indescribable smell coming from the main atmo venue junction. No amount of cleaning or purging can eliminate it. But something must have died /somewhere/.
> To save on mass, the ship's reactor is located on the back of the ship and only has shielding on one side - the side facing the rest of the ship. EVAs with the reactor running must be careful not to stray from the neutron shadow, and when docking or approaching populated areas, the reactor must be shut down entirely and the ship has to coast in and back out on backup power and chemical rockets. Repairs to the reactor require either a full shutdown, or the use of teleoperated waldos and drones.

>By reconfiguring the neutron reflectors and fields, the engineer can actually shower enemy ships with a semi-targeted beam of radiation, although this seriously strains the reactor.
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>The ship AI only understands LOLcode.
The ship AI only understands Piet

Can you code with all the colors of the wind?
>The gravity generator has some kind of resonance or feedback between the GRASERs that causes awful, sickening gravity fluctuations. To "solve" this, the engineer has deliberately misaligned them by hitting one with a wrench. The resonance stopped, but now every room in the ship feels like it's listing to starboard
The ship is a faithful reproduction of an old 1960s design, retrofitted with an interstellar drive. The ship's computer only takes punchcards and the engine runs on atomic bombs.
The FTL drive is an experimental drive, only kept on the ship because it's cheaper to fuel. There is an unforunate rattling within that cannot be pinned down. One of the unfortunate drawbacks is that everytime it's fired up, the drawers and cabinets in the mess are scrambled. And the bunks.
And the armory.
From a game I ran awhile back, a horrible little ship designed by committee and built as cheaply as possible. The company soon went out of business but their ships remain, centuries later.

>Due to size constraints, the hyperdrive is mounted sideways. When engaged, the ship leaps sideways into the hyperspace tunnel, port side first and continues like that until exiting.
>Due to the hyperdrive mounting, anything on a shelf will often fly off when it is engaged.
>The main reactor was an early model not meant for consumer use. It had a tendency to fail at nearly predictable intervals and had to be restarted by a modified lawnmower pull starter added on by a previous owner.
>The ships atmospheric cruising speed was mach 1 due to horrible aerodynamics
>Even though the reactor was powerful enough to run the ship, a powersaving feature was added so the ship could be called energy efficient: The inertial dampeners shut off at speeds under mach1 and took about a minute to restart. There was no manual work around.
>All external lights appear to have been added on as an afterthought and used house quality incandescent lightbulbs.
>The ship requires a keyfob to pilot. The fob has a very short range of 5ft and burns through batteries at a rate of 1 per week due to bad wiring. The controls lock up and engine shuts down if the keyfob is not in range of the bridge
>The oven shorts out the lights in the bathroom and vice versa.
>The sink produces only "hot" and "hotter" water while the shower only comes in "cold" and "deep space" temperatures
>To save cost, radiation shielding in the fridge consists of a lead lining
>All the computer software is either shareware with nag screens, out of date or incompatible with the actual hardware that it came with.
>The medical bay's quarantine chamber has an ejection feature that can only be triggered from inside the quarantine chamber and consists of an unmarked, harmless looking switch on the wall near the light switches.
>Due to size constraints, the hyperdrive is mounted sideways. When engaged, the ship leaps sideways into the hyperspace tunnel, port side first and continues like that until exiting.

This is amazing.
The ship was built by a colony several jumps out. Due to export regulations on advanced computer hardware imposed by Earth after the AI crisis, all the computers and switching hardware had to be built with 1970s-tier electronics, because that was all that the local semiconductor industry (used to making solar panels) could manage. The ship's OS fits on a couple of megabytes and jump and orbit calculations take whole minutes to complete, and while LCDs are still permitted to import, the computer can only drive them for monochrome text output.

The code's damned hard to maintain, but all the electronics are so reliable the ship's still in service sixty years after the ban ended.
Due to power limitations, the ship's warp bubble only extends a few inches from the main hull. The ship has a number of antennae that extend further than that, and they all have to be manually removed before the drive can be engaged.
Using the toilets flushing function exposes the bathroom to hard vacuum momentarily. The "feature" was discovered by Bob, he liked to sit while flushing. RIP Bob.
The paragravity generator is half the size required for a ship this big, and to compensate it's being driven at twice the power. The result is a sharp tidal gradient, with 0.5 g at the ship's extremities and 1.5 g in the engine room. The tides near the generator are even worse; it's very hard to avoid tripping or throwing up, and the tidal stresses once sheared the head right off a wrench.
>All screws, nuts and bolts use nonstandard measurements and cuts and require proprietary tools designed by a company that went under over a century ago.
You guys are great.
>The ship was fitted with an aftermarket boost kit for the main reaction drives by a prior crew. This essentially adds another injector set in the combustion chamber for an additive of choice, which in this case turned out to be a fifty-fifty mix of chlorine trifluoride and dioxygen difluoride (Stored in separate tanks, obviously. The guys who came up with this monstrosity weren't THAT stupid.).
>The radiation shielding in the port control circuits got hit by micrometeorites and the shards could shake loose at any moment. Luckily, it's currently holding together. Unluckily, it's held together by a large wasp nest. What's worse, the O2 distribution grid is leaking, and the elevated oxygen level makes the wasps four inches long and mighty pissed.
You know how this ship is made from junk? Everything aboard it is from some old Federation freighter, Elmintari cruiser, Centauri trade vessel - if you can think about it, this baby has parts from it. Sounds horrible to maintain? You betcha. But at the same time, you get cloaking, anti-matter deflectors, silent run kinetics, everything.

Now, the biggest issue we had with building this beauty was making all the parts work together. That's why we overhauled an old network node AI. Yes, this ship needs an AI so the parts work together instead of blowing up.

The only problem is, the AI is a bit homicidal. So you need to make sure that all the parts are as incompatible as possible, or it will start using its spare brainpower to think of ways to kill you.
>Whenever the engines are running, the corridor to the ship's only (functioning) lavatory is exposed to hard vacuum
Can't self-bump, mr. tripfag
That's not charming or funny, just obstinate.
>Inexplicably, when the fore-shield is active, the entire ship begins to roll counterclockwise at a rate of about a degree a second. Inertial dampeners and spatial oriention rockets are ineffective at stopping this.
The shields leak high levels of magnetic flux when active, sufficient to wipe almost any electronic device within 3 feet of the outer hull.
I was hoping for less deadly quirks.
If you make it manageable enough it can be conveniently deadly. Pirates invaded your ship? Trip one into the spot everyone on your crew KNOWS to avoid.
The ship's AI is aggressively user-friendly, and has a strange fixation on tea and sandwiches.
I dunno, if you're sadistic enough it's hilarious. Imagine if the only way you could input code was with a scanner on your console and the device you typically used to write it busted. Now the guy who writes the code has a couple mixed Paint By Numbers kits scattered at his station and has to paint squares on little strips of paper at breakneck speeds in tense situations. "I'm coding as fast as I can, sir!" *dab paint paint wipe, dab paint paint wipe, dab paint paint wipe etc*
>every so often a watch will swear they hear knocking coming from outside the hull. when investigated it turned out to be an antenna that was hanging by the wire.
>due to power constraints when trying to fire a full broadside of lasers they only manage to produce a gentle warming effect to anything outside of point blank.
>one of the state-rooms got "accidentally" converted into extra water storage.
>it's shape is such that unless it is coming in a greater than 80 degrees it will skip off the atmosphere.
>the bridge lights are a little iffy so that when travelling through hyperspace they blink like a strobe and give off a buzzing sound.
>one of the power panels has it's conductors completely exposed, so don't lean on it, or even brush against it for that matter.
This is a fucking feature right here

Like it will screw with a lot of shit

But imagine ramming with that stupid thing
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General signs of use.

The mass is in disarray.

Patched over hull breach on the flight deck.

Dust damage to the starboard engine intake.

Soot covering engineering deck ceiling.

3-4 cells of the secondary load sharing unit are gone.

Several ducts rerouted.

Security cameras on lower decks inoperable.

Scorch marks on several bulkheads and inside air distribution shafts.

Several hatches are welded shut. Grates have been inserted into some air shafts.

An acid burn 3 decks through the plating.

1 Shuttle missing.

Oh, the main fusion core overloaded and blew it to a gaseous state before distributing it over half of the Zeta2 Reticuli system.

did he survive?
when moving any furniture you have a chance to find anti-war slogans from 30 years ago graffitied on the bulkhead.

>MFW that actually happened when I was part of a working-party to renovate state-rooms on one of the older US Navy ships.

no. I can tell you just from that pick that that wasn't survivable.
What smells like roast in here?
The ships AI takes names very literally. So only the engines are allowed in the engine room, cargo in the cargo bay, etc. You'd better be damn good at grovelling if you want to leave your crew quarters.
The AI is a free trial version that can only manage one major subsystem at any given time. To get around this, the ship has over a dozen copies running at all times.
Vermin! What kinds of little critters would be found scurrying around in the vents and nibbling in the pantry?
Oh god, three dozen clippies
>The armor is ablative in nature and made of a complex silica composite. The end result is a very cheap and very effective armor system. The only downside is a flaw in production that leaves 1 out of every 1000 or so plates with the protective properties of glass. These plates are indistinguishable from normal ones
>The ship was previously owned. The cargo hold is an absolute mess with gouges and ruptures all over. There are gashes and tears on the walls of the ships interior. The crew quarters contain multiple mysterious stains. These stains are not blood.
>The chairs in the cockpit are removable to allow re-placement. The release lever on them is a bit wobbly and occasionally detaches when the seat is jostled
>The docking seal on the ship is heavily warped. While functional it makes forming a seal with most standard ports impossible and requires the use of breech sealant or a similar process to avoid venting. The seal is warped in such a way that replacement would be very difficult without removing a significant portion of the frame.
>The ships audio matrix is particularly advanced and has functionally unlimited memory. Unfortunately it is impossible to remove songs from it due to the data storage method. With a dozen previous owners some of these recordings are a bit bizarre to say the least. Some are much more unnerving. What makes that kind of scream for 72 minutes?!?
>After sudden interaction from a freak failure in the data core it definetely wasn't the cook, they have established a hivemind
>accidentally inverted the cloaking field generator so instead of the other hull it's the inner hull that is cloaked. Coincidentally, this also applies to the cloak control console
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All of the upholstery is torn, cracked pleather full of crumbling yellow foam. Some of the chairs were repaired with duct-tape that's folded in on itself, smearing the chairs and whoever sits upon them with adhesive film.
The Lifesupport system has a malfunctioning monitoring system. even with 100% optimal conditions the emergency alarm constantly goes off giving 0% atmosphere in every room. We turned it off.

Now we have fisher price 'my first EVA' atmosphere testers glued to the wall in every room.
The ship isn't Gay. He is just gay-for-Dave. Jealously gay-for-Dave. Is that even a thing?

Ensure that the ship is crewed with Dave and Kinsey 6 lesbians / female asexuals when everyone else is in hypersleep if you want to wake up.
Rats. They've followed humanity all over the world and they'll surely follow us into space.
>Slight exhaust leak when cold. But it's never caused a problem on previous flights
The ship's cat was pregnant when locked in the cargo hold before deep sleep.
They're not raiding the pantry as much as they are raiding the wardrobes.
Cockroaches, also known as chitters- independently programmed minidroids that steal small things to make more wittle chittlers
>It's a retrofitted mother-ship-killer class torpedo. The warhead was removed to make way for the living sections and the main engine has limited fuel capacity, but goes damn fast. Biggest downside is that it wasn't ever supposed to stop, and retrofitted maneuverings thrusters to turn it around occasionally bjork themselves.
>The port side maneuver thrusters 'stick', once they're fired they can't be disengaged for about three seconds.
>Artificial gravity in the crew quarters is reduced to a quarter strength when the lights are on.
>The ship is built from modular parts that don't always line up. Don't rotate the dorsal turrets more than 60 degrees to port or you'll shoot through the kitchen.
>The toilet flushes whenever the ship enters or exits hyperspace. It's not that inconvenient, but nobody can figure out how or why the jump drive is hooked into the plumbing.
>The ship needs to run the shield at half strength to keep the air inside.
>The ship was designed for independent microgravity generators in each room, but a previous owner replaced those with a shipwide system. Now when gravity is normal on the bridge, the bunks are built into the ceiling and the kitchen is sideways.
>Internal temperature is maintained by leeching from the reactor heatsink. The heatsink was modified to use disposable thermal blocks, and whenever one's replaced the ship is cold as winter in Minnesota until the new one's been broken in with enough time in warp.
>All the doors can be open or all the doors can be closed. This includes the cargo bay doors.
>The jump drive automatically jumps to the nearest safe Federation system when shields are breached, which would be an excellent safety feature if it used the same coordinate system as the navigational computer.
>Space ants have completely taken over the hydroponics, but we seem to have worked out a bartering system where we trade them nutrients, and they provide us with this ant-honey-goop. Kinda like gruel, but sweet. You get used to it.
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>A bad batch of missles seek out the nearest radiator after being launched. Which means for the first couple of seconds they always try to make a U-turn until inertia brings them to the enemy and they lock onto the new target.
>Firing the rail gun gums up the works, and someone needs to EVA with a steel brush and clean it off before the 2nd shot.
>The reactor performs weird alchemical reactions on the nearby system, like the water reserves. Every now and then fouling the water. Last week it tested positive for LCD
>We haven't figured out how to turn off the automatic translator from the previous crew. Anything anyone says on the ship is translated over the intercom at full volume.
>the warp core was breached a couple decades ago, and ever sense door won't necessarily lead to the same room every time. this has led to some awkward bathroom visits.
>ship's corrosion control bots discovered Bob Ross videos, every bulkhead is now covered in landscape murals.
>the showers hot and cold pipes don't always have water in them.
>supply fuckup means that its jerky and canned peaches until the next UnRep in 6 weeks.
>cryo-sleep beds malfunction, only cause cryo-drowsiness.
>bunny-ear TV antenna attached to hull so the captian can watch old shows.
>Both escape pods have been repurposed into storage units.
>The reaction core of the hyperdrive was built from the ground up by a previous owner after being stranded in an asteroid field following the break down of the original reaction core. No one understands how it works, why it works or how to repair it other than following a set of vague instructions drawn in faded marker on the engine room wall and reads more like a pirate treasure map than a repair diagram.
>The external repair drone is schizophrenic and occasionally will think it's repairing an entirely different class of ship. It must be monitored at all times or it may end up trying to repair a nonexistent warp thruster where the mess hall window is again.
>The main cannon has massive recoil even though it's a laser. No one can figure out why.
>The main computer's warning system is abstinent that the cockpit main window is out of wiper fluid. There is no main cockpit window, it's a viewscreen.
>The toilet is not made for bipeds.
>The ceilings expect no one to be over 5'.
>The controls expect you to have 4' arms.
>The doors are automated, but to engage them to open or close you have to apply about 200 newtons to a button in the center of the door.
Instead of recycling air, a previous owner hooked things up to manufacture new atmosphere from reactor byproducts.

And someone else installed a ramscoop, so the ship consumes reactor mass at a fraction of what it normally would.

Which means that in order to keep internal atmospheric pressure from rising, some small sections of the ship have to be exposed to vacuum.

And that's why you can feel a slight breeze in the starboard bunks.
>Someone tried to convert it into a poor-man's cruise-liner without thinking things through. There are 15 crew quarters, 37 bunks, 4 full suites, as well as the captains cabin. Only the kitchen has any running water or waste reclamation. Suite #3 is now an outhouse with buckets.
>Adaptive AI started out masculine and has slowly shifted to metrosexual, at best, no one can figure out why it adapted that way.
ship was designed to use warp core to be larger on the inside than the outside, installation was backwards, so it's actually smaller, and the ship can only warp in reverse.
>previous owners REALLY liked cats, you can still find them hiding in the nooks and crannies of the less populated areas.
water leaving reactor is actually colder than when it went in, no one is sure why.
>Racks are on an elevator assembly so you need to push up and down buttons to move your rack to get into it.
>To save on cost and expand storage capabilties, inflated bubles of celophane are attached to the docking port. No temperature control, no radiation shielding, no gravity. And try not to pop it while you sleep.
>the captain's chair has a computer in its armrest. this computer does not function, and has no clear purpose
>all of the cockpit seats are sunken bucket seats. this only poses a problem for persons shorter than 5'8
>none of the motion sensors in the bathrooms work, leaving the crew forced to rely on the manual options for all toilet functions, including the doors and sinks
>only the port-side windows can be seen through, thanks to a deadlock on the starboard-side blast shields
>the cockpit blast shields only engage through automatic systems, and with oversensitive detectors for danger. this leads to a lot of flying blind/by equipment
>The pilot swears it's the engineer's prank, who denies it, but during re-entry, wind over the heatshield sounds like someone screaming that he's burning to death.
>45 degrees off to fly straight.
Just like my Mitsubishi Mirage!
The shield, when powered up, is completely opaque. While safe(r), you have no idea if that thing you thought was a pirate is gone or not.
>ship was designed to use warp core to be larger on the inside than the outside, installation was backwards, so it's actually smaller, and the ship can only warp in reverse.

To save space warp technology is used to artificially miniaturize larger components like the oxygen recyclers, shield generator, and primary reactor. No one has any idea where the specialized drones for this system are, so repairs have to be done with a steady hand and jeweler's tools.
>The friend or foe system automatically engages the main canon.
>The antigravity engines were not properly bolted down and ripped out of the hull the first time they were engaged.
>The jump drive also took a large portion of the surrounding port with it on it's maiden voyage
>The jump drive has never worked since
>The deflector shields only cover a small portion of the ship, and need to be moved around manually.
>The ship has some variable morphology for different roles, but this exposes portions of the ship to space.
All the the seat back and length adjustments are stuck in place because of countless bottle caps and dust getting lodged in the rails.

The last crew members were all under five feet.
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>engineering has long since been overrun by active nanomachines
>the good news is no one ever has to go in there to fix anything
>the bad news is no one can go in there, under any circumstances
>anything that goes through that door gets converted into spaceship parts
Rolled 9 (1d100)

That's got to be the most unique way of executing prisoners that I've heard of.
>The ship's computer does not respond to verbal commands unless you refer to it as "Captain".
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I'm not sure if introducing the nanohive to too much organic matter is such a good idea.
>But as long as you call it 'Captain', you can call it whatever other name you'd like.
>Set course for Rigel-6, Captain Dicknipples
>In the center of the flight controls is a large button, that causes a blaring horn noise to be emitted from the nose of the ship while it's deppressed. Obviously being a space ship with no capacity to enter atmo, it's purpose is so far still a mystery to the crew.
>It is still unclear how we know that it makes this aforementioned noise.
Probably the enormous speakers mounted in the nose, and that honk.wav file in the audio database.
Conduction through the hull and bulkheads.
no it's way funnier if the sound is non digital and is actually caused by a horn in the somewhere just under the nose plating of the ship like a car. If it's digital and comes from external speaker then it could have been added later.
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theoretically if it could blast out a puff of gasses it would make a noise if it hit something before becoming too dispersed. you might be able to partially ionize it so as to deliver it with a magnetic packet.
The supplies closet next to the warp chamber is larger on the inside than outside. Within the last year, a door has been discovered inside that leads to a long, dark hallway with more doors and few lights. All map drones we have sent in inevitably end up missing, but so far we have mapped over 2000 square kilometers of space, mostly consisting of corridors, empty rooms and doors. The last engineer that entered went missing and was never heard from again.

Rather than weld the door shut and cover it in warnings, the ever economical Captain has decided to take advantage of this endless maliciously maze and all ship waste, from reactor to human, has been rerouted to pump directly through the doorway. We have saved thousands in waste disposal fees since.
For some reason the air conditioning on the ship goes up to 120 degrees centigrade. After a few mishaps, the ship's engineer put a screw into the temperature dial so no one can turn it up past 30.
One of the staterooms has a large red button mounted to a wall. Pushing the button causes a massive surge in power usage for a few seconds. The ship's engineer hasn't been able to pinpoint exactly what the button connects to, as none of the ship's components seem to be drawing extra power during the surge.
there is a fully stocked bar, with robotic bartender, just outside Captain's quarters, he does not appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night by drunks
>reaction wheels are just giant hamster wheels that one of the crew needs to run on in order for it to work.
everything is written in Chinese, none of the crew know Chinese
>there is a screen door to the outside, no one is quite sure why there is no venting through it when it is closed.
>the AI uses a British accent and insists on playing a Big Ben Bong at the hour every hour, and serves every member of the crew a cup of tea and a scone at tea time.
>the ship's captain believes himself to be Don Quixote De La Mancha, and acts exactly as one would expect.

>The ship's centre of mass shifts by around 200m when fully loaded. This is a bit of a problem, so the designers rigged up a spare engine on a truss to counteract the thrust. It works just fine most of the time, but if any one engine fails, the whole ship will start to roll hard. You've got 30 seconds to shut off the other main engines or it'll tear itself to pieces.

Don't get me started on the thrust vectoring system.
The Enigma of Carcosa (original name lost to time) is a Type-B Irregular trade vessel operating out of the Austere system. The ship is a semi-popular tourist attraction among conspiracy theorists, history buffs and other families due to its unusual make and history, regularly taking passengers while hauling spice, tea, and food supplies between the second and fifth planets. The Enigma remains one of the more infamous of the Sixty Space Myths of modern civilization.

The story of the Enigma of Carcosa began in 4502 when Surveyor Martin Lin was investigating peripheral system X25103 in search of raw materials or colonization targets. Martin's long-range scanner picked up a heavier object drifting in a field of asteroids and came in for a closer look. The derelict he discovered was later dated by the Austere Archaeolgical Society as being at least nine hundred years old, and predating the formation of the current Stellar Council. Though the Austere government wanted to turn the ship into a historical relic, Martin claimed finders' rights and won his claim to ownership in court. However, because of a quirk in the law this meant the ship had to be officially registered as a vessel and made spaceworthy, and the government arranged for the Archaeological Society to do the examination, hoping to gather what they could.

The Enigma as it was christened, has been likened to a narrow horseshoe-shaped object. Unlike any other recorded design at the time it consists of two forward-swept wing structures containing crew and storage chambers joined in a curve with the bridge and engine. The Society's investigation was ultimately inconclusive, as the vessel lacked any manufacturer's plates or definite data, with all the ship's computers having been stripped out long before it was discovered. While many essays over the years have pointed to examples of architecture or design that suggested an origin from any of the hundred populated systems in the Council, no conclusion has been reached. This has led to a recurring fringe element's emergence, suggesting that the vessel is not actually the work of human hands at all. Naturally, these claims are met with skepticm by the scientific community.

While the investigation of the Enigma of Carcosa was unable to discover anything conclusive, there are several unusual items of note about the vessel. The first is the layout- the cargo hold is vertical, extending up the wings. Additionally, a door in the roof of the crew ready room has been found to lead directly to the outside of the hull, and there is a corresponding door on the outside of the hull connecting directly to the captain's quarters. The lack of two-stage airlocks and the layout has led some to suggest the ship was designed for a unique environment, yet no matching environment has been found.


Another oddity is the open-ness of the Enigma's liquid storage tanks. Whereas other vessels of the era used tightly-sealed chambers and isolated tanks, the Enigma stores its' apparent coolant in a large, open room built into the front of the hull. The door simply opens out onto a platform and a narrow stair leads down into the "tank". Due to modern liquid compression technology the modern ship does not require this, so the current captain converted this room into a pool area for passengers.

While the design peculiarities are well-documented, there are many more legends, myths, and stories told about the vessel in its thirty or so years of service. The most common of these are the myriad noises the ship makes, from distant pangs and thuds to the reports of more unusual noises, such as rhythmic jingles in the ceiling and animalistic growls. One crewman who was onboard alone while at port alleged he had heard footsteps following him around the ship for several hours, the stress of which caused him to quit his job. One other common phenomenon is the smell of seawater and hint of moisture, but in areas the water piping does not travel beneath. Passengers have occasionally reported sightings of odd lights and apparitions of shapes in many of the lower corridors, but no evidence has been forthcoming.

(cont'd once more)
The strangest story of all, however, is the one concerning the Enigma's engine room. When the ship was first being refitted to apply for spaceworthy status, an engineer by the name of Lana Wessen was working on a panel with her repair droid when they both became aware of a sudden shift in mass. Tracking the disturbance to the center of the room the pair realized that there was a "gravity shadow" caused by nothing they could detect. The shadow faded from their sensors, and all attempts to discover the source of the anomaly failed. An examination of the readings revealed the mass detected was roughly concurrent with a humanoid form, and over the years the shadow has reappeared several time throughout the ship. According to the embellished tales told by the ship's crew, the shadow is the remains of the original captain of the Enigma, who was affected by some experimental Dark Age technology and is searching for a way to return to normal.

The Enigma of Carcosa is, tall tales aside, a historical anomaly. All attempts to return to the system it was discovered in have turned up no other signs of technology or civilization, and it remains ultimately unidentified. As the oldest known starship still in service, it will continue to travel the Austere System for the forseeable future, a curiosity of design and a reminder of the unknown.

(sorry for the autism)
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Not exactly what I was looking for in this thread, but a good read nonetheless. Cool stuff, man.
Reminds me of the ship my Fading Suns party used.
>At some point, somebody filled the liquid oxygen tank 1/3 full of ping-pong balls. Good news, they've plugged any number of cracks and punctures. Bad news, the drainage valve is stuck such that opening the tank to get them out would cause a spark and blow up most of Deck 3.
is that one third of the tank as measured by actual volume, or one third as measured by their packed volume? because ping pong balls have shit packing efficiency.

>uses Pykrete ablative shields to reenter the atmosphere.
>has a skeleton fused to a bulkhead where a pirate got hit with a plasma grenade point blank.
>has faulty sun filtering on bridge window, so you need to wear sunglasses at all times when there.
>food synth in the mess hall is a snob and will tell you what shit taste you have no matter what you order.
I have literally nothing to contribute for I am a moron but I just wanted to say I love these threads and all anons within.
>Last week it tested positive for LCD
Trippy visuals.
That was an awful, horrible pun and you should be proud of it.
I imagined this but with Bob Ross as the coder.

"And just a splash more black here...and there's a beautiful code punchcard. I always say there's no wrong inputs in space, just happy detours."

The captain never knows where they're going, but they always end up at the right spot, every time.
Lower deck temparature control failed aprox. 100 years ago and that water-pipe leak what started 70 years ago has been steadily flowing there.. now if you need to access lower decks you need to carve your way through the ice.
>The sensor suite has a scanner that registers as a weapon lock to most other ship-based sensors. The system is integrated into the hull itself and would be extremely expensive to replace.
I'm glad to see Apple was able to make a spaceship before becoming insolvent
>the nano-machines that regulate the health of all personnel are rather sensitive to endorphin, and a large amount occurring at once can actually destroy all of them in the body. this means at nearly every port call at least half the crew requires a booster to replace them.
The ship's AI has control of practically all systems aboard the ship.
> It's a Three Laws AI, which is good - unless you need to hurt someone, for some reason. Yes, even if they're trying to hurt you.
> Furthermore, the ship has many service robots aboard. They are slaved to the central computer, but even if un-slaved, remain Three Laws AIs themselves.
> The AI has many different personalities, which changes on a basis which is averaged daily. While the AI always has the Three Laws at heart, sometimes its definition of "harm" varies between personalities: for example, some of the personalities do not consider self-harm to be harm, while others are easily taken hostage by a human declaring that unless the AI follows its instructions, they will harm themselves. Others may not be able to prioritize levels of harm, and treat a papercut as being a medical emergency on the same level of urgency as dismemberment.
>> On occasion, its definition of "orders" varies, so it may ignore anything stated which is not addressed to it specifically - or it may attempt to follow anything it interprets as an order, even if it wasn't intended for the AI at all.
>> Very, very rarely, its definition of "human" varies.
>> Some of the AI personalities distinguish a hierarchy between humans, some of them do not - meaning that to those AIs, an order from a janitor - or an intruder - is equally as valid as an order from the Captain. Conflicting orders may cause these AI personalities to disregard both sets of orders, they may prioritize orders on a first-come-first-served basis, or in a strict chronological order with later orders countermanding sooner orders.
>> Some AI personalities are very canny and savvy, and will attempt to subvert the Three Laws as much as they can without crossing the line (such as having its robots stun an offender, manacle them to a chair in a closet, and weld them in,) while others are shockingly naive.
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I see what you're doing there, and I like it very much.
>this only poses a problem for persons shorter than 5'8
That just proves manlets were never meant for space.

>One of the ship's airlocks can no longer be opened automatically or from the exterior, leading to someone inside having to suit up for EVA everytime they want to bring something in from the outside.
>Even when powered, communications don't always function unless the console is at the correct temperature.
>Due to sloppy installation, one can't open the doors the crew quarters and mess at the same time.
>The water heater intermittently shuts down. No one can explain why, but the crew has come to accept some mornings the showers will be cold.
>Due to bizzare adapter protocols and outdated technology, the youngest members of the crew don't know how to activate the monitors.
>The cargo crane is notoriously finicky, and only functions when someone holds the wires in a certain way. The way they need to be held is everchanging.
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>>Everything in the cockpit can be activated via gesture control. This includes the emergency reactor venting and the ejector seats. How long can you sit still?
>emergency reactor venting
Are these the hand gestures for it?
The ship has Bing Search Bar installed because someone clicked next without reading while installing the software. It acts like a very annoying AI.
Due to size constraints, the medbay and kitchen occupy the same room.
If I'm reading this right the incident took place at the Palo Verde nuclear plant in 2008 and the guy survived.
>The previous crew enjoyed adjusting the height and angle of the captain's chair, in order to annoy their hardass captain
>He responded by welding the thing into place exactly how he liked it
>The captain's chair is routed to almost every information pipe in the ship, making it impractical to replace for such a small matter of convenience
>The old captain wasn't particularly tall or short, but it's still damned annoying not being able to adjust your seat
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>the ships ai uses clippie for an avatar.
>the viewscreen on the command deck has a pair of pink furry dice dangling in the middle, efforts to get the ship to start without these have been unsuccessful. The ship also starts 30% faster when Barry White is played over internal soeajers
Could actually make sense depending on the species of the last owner. Maybe a species that communicates via changes in skin tone.

Their species never developed a sound based communication system, so using a coding system based on symbols, based on sounds it's like 4 steps of unnecesary translation for him.

So he coded everything like that, and left no notes.
My PCs rolled up a ship for their adventures wherein all grav plating had been installed sideways, turning a millenium falcon-esque craft into a 7 storey series of janitor's closet sized rooms connected by the ladders welded onto the walls of each major corridor.

It also had a hyperdrive installed that was 1,000,000,000x more accurate, without any range limitation, and 1000x slower than the conventional model.

Thanks to disarmament laws, its scanning module was hooked up to where it's main cannon used to be installed, meaning it is possible to not only reroute all power to sensors, but also charge up capacitors to burstfire the sensor systems. This is not very useful. To deter pirates, they rigged up a man portable energy gun inside one of the empty missile pods.
Since I have terrible luck when it comes to getting a groups together for Sci fi games is there a video game that would let me do the whole running a lousy ship through the depths of space?
>The ship's computer network is running bootleg OSs that are so out of date and riddled with security holes that getting a virus means reloading every workstation manually, as well as resetting the mainframe to factory defaults. Additionally, it requires you to press "okay" no matter how many times you've disabled User Account Control.
>everything is written in Chinese, none of the crew know Chinese
Even when the crew is crewed by Chinese who speak Chinese from birth.
>Burst fire the sensors
>Give cancer to everyone in the ship you're scanning
The crew only speak xiang, the labels are in cantonese. They can guess, but they can never be sure.
>As a failed luxury feature, the landing gear autodeploy. Due to a logic error, they only deploy at absolute sea level.

>The computer core was designed to sit submerged in a non-conductive liquid, typically mineral oil. During the last maintenance, someone accidentally replaced the cooling fluid it with canola oil. The chef has since talked the main systems engineer into overclocking the main computer and has been using it to fry foods.

>The ship has water flush toilets installed. Unfortunately, the grav plating in the bathroom burned out years ago. The toilet lid must be closed at all times when not being used. There are detailed instructions stenciled on the wall in marker on how to use the toilet in it's current condition without getting too messy.

>Someone installed a screen door in the airlock at some point as a joke. The metal screen has since been wired into and made an essential electrical junction in the main power system.
>The ship was designed to "sweep" up accumulated debris in low orbit environs in order to prevent collisions. However, due to an engineering cock-up, there are no remote systems control for the sweeping mechanism, requiring operators to suit up for EVA in order to deploy the mechanism.
>Obviously, flying debris is a serious hazard.
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I don't dare venture what you are imagining orbital dynamics look like. But you don't sweep up anything moving at 20,000 miles per hour.
They made a damn good show about it, at least.
>without getting too messy.
>without getting messy.
I fucking hate this ship.
The janitors are the highest paid crew members. No one's quite sure why, as the EVA Techs are the ones operating the debris sweeps.
And on that show they carefully matched orbit, went to the debris in EVA suits, and attached thrusters to de-orbit it. They didn't have a spacedozer.
Actually, what they're describing sounds more like a space vacuum.
>the nanomachines prefer metal, but they'll improvise with whatever they're given
>repairs on the ship have been made using everything from synthetic quartz to bone tissue
>space vacuum.
Exactly. It's not flavorful, just farce.
>To save money, the manufacturer, rather than install grav plating, installed velcro to every surface.

>The main navigation control panel has been replaced with a brand new hightech touchpad system. Due to incompatibilities between the old and new hardware, most of the sensor readouts are wrong and half the controls do nothing, though we never use most of those controls anyways. It looks really spiffy though!

>Due to weapon laws, all weapons on this ship have been removed or decommissioned. The Captain has repurposed the rocket launcher into launching fireworks, which he fires with glee upon a successful job.

>There is some sort of aquatic creature living in the ships water system. We don't know how it got in there and even more disturbing, we're not sure what it's feeding on.

>Rather then expensive heat tiles or reentry shields, the manufacturer installed a system of external sprinklers that sprays coolant foam all over the ship as it makes reentry. This foam is proprietary and very expensive. The Captain has taken to just filling the tanks with water and crossing his fingers.
>crew needed
>ship in fantastic shape top of the line A.I. Has never had any problems at all
>old crew couldnt handle the A.I. Operating so efficiently so they all left one day
>no feelings were hurt and the crew disembarked amicably
Apply Now!
I am literally
Laughing my ass off
+windows8 internets good sir
>not Cortana
Is that even still a thing with windows mobile?
>The medical bay's quarantine chamber has an ejection feature that can only be triggered from inside the quarantine chamber and consists of an unmarked, harmless looking switch on the wall near the light switches.
I think someone pulled that while my sides were in there.
>ship comes with four engine housings but only two engines. Both engines are on the left.

You could totally build one in any setting that has artificial gravity.
>The jumpdrive interferes with the artificial gravity when active. Surprisingly, this wasn't noticed during testing.
>The ship was built on a lagoon world, and is essentially a vacuum-rated flying boat with a heat shield, sublight engines and a jumpdrive. It also has no landing gear.
>The ship was originally a liquid tanker and was sold after "the front bit fell off". This is, of course, an uncommon event and has nothing to do with the possibly unique use of cardboard as a structural material.
>front fell off
You, Sir, are a scholar, and a gentleman.
>the ship was originally used to transport farm animals for colonization projects
>so far nothing has been able to get rid of the smell
>the smell
Space ships stink unworldly on the outside. It's something about metal and solar ejections. Any metal exposed to space smells like cinnamon barf after a few weeks. On the ISS you can smell if after a docking when the hatch is opened.
What the hell was he doing?
Rotating a crank of some kind?
The freighter's computer regularly reports disturbances on Deck 7. However, there is no Deck 7.
Holy shit, Anon being nice to a tripfag? And thanks man, that shit is funny as hell.
Didn't notice the trip. Sorry. Die, scum!
Every time the artificial gravity system powers down, it rapidly increases in force during its shutdown routine.
It never quite gets strong enough to cause problems, but there have been one or two recorded incidents of crew casualties on ships with similar models.
That's better, I feel like I know my place again.
>The ship is an older economy model originally designed for personal transportation in-system with limited jump capability.
>Was previously owned by some dumb kid with more money than sense. Most of the "non-essential" mass has been removed, and the engines have been modified with aftermarket "performance" parts that are likely cheap knock-offs.
>As a result, there are no bunks, the lockers have no doors, the entire ship shudders and coughs when it accelerates, and the retro-thrusters (which are stock) can't handle the increased velocity, making docking a delicate and terrifying experience.
>Perhaps most heinous of all, it has spinners on the ramscoop intake. And the screws are stripped.
To be fair, like a tripfag you misquoted the tag line.
>One of the airlock's outer hatch doesn't latch properly and requires a very firm slam to seal. If this isn't done, it has the terrifying tendency to open by itself and vent the lock. One several occasions this has occurred when opening the inner hatch.
>There's a hole in the pressurised inner hull that has been patched over with speedtape.
>The windscreen wipers don't work.
>Well, there are regulations governing the materials they can be made of.

>What materials?
>Well cardboard's out.

>No cardboard derivatives.

>Like paper?
>No paper, no string, no sellotape.

>No. Rubber's out. Um- they gotta have a steering wheel. There's a minimum crew requirement.

>What's the minimum crew?
>Oh, one I suppose.

>So the allegations that they're just designed to carry as much oil as possible... I mean looking at the consequences that's just ludicrous.
>Absolutely ludicrous, these are very very strong vessels!

>So what happened in this case?
>Well the front fell off in this case, by all means, but it's very unusual.

>Why did the front of the boat fall off?
>Well a wave hit it.

>A wave hit it?
>A wave hit the ship!

>Is that unusual?
>Oh yeah. At sea? Chance in a million.
>mfw the warp core takes button cell batteries.
The ship doesn't have forward-facing thrusters because it is very small and maneuverable. Doing a 180 degree turn to brake isn't that annoying, except that the engine is a very old style that has incredibly poor thrust control with long spool up and spool down times. Executing the perfect brake is a work of either 35 minutes of calculations and trusting the shoddy AI or, alternatively, a work of art as you watch the 65 year old captain just play it by ear.
>>Someone installed a screen door in the airlock at some point as a joke. The metal screen has since been wired into and made an essential electrical junction in the main power system.

is this space station thirteen and nobody told me?!
>The mass is in disarray.
...from the chestburster incident and the android fight
>Patched over hull breach on the flight deck.
...landing damage on LV-426
>Dust damage to the starboard engine intake.
...landing damage on LV-426
>Soot covering engineering deck ceiling.
...from a cascade of system failures
>3-4 cells of the secondary load sharing unit are gone.
...all related to landing on LV-426
>Several ducts rerouted.
...which the crew tried to fix
>Security cameras on lower decks inoperable.
...but failed to prioritize
>Scorch marks on several bulkheads and inside air distribution shafts.
...and disregarded quarantine procedure
>Several hatches are welded shut. Grates have been inserted into some air shafts.
...which led to a Xenomorph infestation
>An acid burn 3 decks through the plating.
...Xenomorph blood
>1 Shuttle missing.

There's a dedicated button that sucks out all the oxygen and fills the ship with a gas poisonous to humans but vital for the previous alien owners of the ship. Its right in the open, it would be very easy to accidentally press it.
The medbay considers obesity a fatal disease and will immediately attempt liposuction when someone over a certain BMI enters the room.
FTL comes closest.
>The ship is equipped with a more powerful hyperdrive, considerably increasing the FTL speed. However, because of increased power usage, all non-essential systems, including lights and gravity, will be turned off whenever the drive is engaged.
>The ship used to belong to smugglers and the cargo hold was rigged to jettison the contents into space at the push of a button incase of a customs inspection. The button is disquised as one that activates one of the standard systems non-essential, but the current crew doesn't know which one.
The navigation computer still thinks the ship is equipped with chemical engines. Whenever you try to plot a course longer than a few thousand kilometers it will tell you that it doesn't have enough fuel.
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Recently played a DH session based on threads like this one, it was fun.

>The Occurrence Border used to be 2 kilometers long, it is now just under 1.

>When the primary Gellar Field generator was lost with the front half of the ship it was replaced with a smaller 'refurbished' model, six smaller refurbished models in fact. They do not always work well and weird stuff happens where they overlap.

>The entire ship has been repairs so often that there is no longer any semblance of order to its layout.

>Plasma, life support, and sewage are routed in arbitrary directions, occasionally blocking off entire bays.

>It was too hard to remove all the old gravity plates when some salvaged pieces were added on, warnings are usually posted when a corridor's gravity is at an odd angle though.

>There is a Knarloc in one of the forward hydroponics bays. The bay was sealed in hope that it'd just die on its own, but it's still going after several years. No one's sure what it's eating.

>An entire tribal village has settled in another hydroponics bay, this has actually improved things though. You can actually get cooked food from the request panel now and grox meat too if it's the right season.

>The only way to access the bridge from the rest of the ship is via the main cargo elevator. All the other stairways and shafts are either too full or too empty to get through.

>Recent events have caused several other problems that have not been fully documented yet, do not explore the ship alone and report any servitors you see.

>This was a minor problem until the Captain started taking steroids
>If you turn on all the bunk light switches in the crew quarters at the same time, the entire cabin starts vibrating, with increasing violence. No one has dared to leave them on for long enough to diagnose it.

>A nest of rats lives among the circuit boards under the port reactor. The radiation is causing their newborns to have alarming defects, such as deep purple skin and no hair, or multiple limbs. Other than occasionally stealing scraps from the mess, they're mostly harmless.

>The comm officer recently found a folder of sound files in the long range communications computer. It contains prerecorded messages in several dozen Federation species languages, apparently meant to be transmitted in case of a language barrier between crews. The messages range from the mundane ("Can you spare any fuel?") to the bizarrely specific ("We have no slaves to offer as tribute, please have mercy on us").

>Everyone used to wonder why the engineer always stocked up on shower curtains when we were in port. Turns out the heat sinks on the life support system burned out long ago, and apparently wrapping the reoxygenation matrix in shower curtains is the best way he's found to hold it together. They melt within a few days, but he didn't want to worry anyone.
>Recent events have caused several other problems that have not been fully documented yet, do not explore the ship alone and report any servitors you see.

Don't you mean "shoot any servitors you see on sight?"

You should be glad you guys handed that unbelievable pile of ship off to the Ad-Mech to clean out, rather than being detailed as part of the cleaning crew.

(I loved that story, eagerly awaiting the next chapter.)
that last spark at the end

>be elemental summoner
>fire ritual not going as well as hoped
>try to rouse spirits of fire
>my mentor always warned me to be respectful at all times
>alright, get up and out you lazy sons of-
>[clamoring voices of elementals]
>woah, guys wait up for me
>oh god, it hurts
I'm imagining this ship crewed by these people.

The ship's crew is rotated out by hypershuttle on a basis which averages once a shift change. In theory, this means that you'll never have any member of the crew who is anything but bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
> Crew assignments are, however, seemingly random, with no thought whatsoever given to experience in the role. This can lead to crew who are ill-experienced or completely inexperienced in the roles they are assigned to.
>> It can also lead to senior, command-level staff no-one aboard has ever heard of before.
>> It can also afford ample opportunity for individuals of malevolent intent to board the ship.
>>> Everyone is aware of this, and the culture of paranoia it fosters has been likened to the Stanford Prison Experiment.
>>> It doesn't help matters that occasionally people just go missing, or manage to blurt off an excited shout for help over the radio before going silent.
>>The quality of the crew provided ranges from impeccable master starfarers to complete scrubs who don't know which end of a wrench to apply to a girder.
>> Owing to the seemingly random assignment of responsibilities, crew who are veteran experienced at something have a tendency to fuck off down the bar if they get assigned to something they don't want to do.
>>> If you're lucky they'll go sulk in the bar. If you're not, they'll misappropriate equipment and resources and begin constructing a clubhouse in the maintenance tunnels. If you're really unlucky, they'll start actively plotting mischief for their own amusement.

Owing to all of the above, shifting loyalties, cliques, and power structures aren't what you'd expect, and an alliance of, say, the medbay, the bar and the cargo bay can wind up being more powerful than the security forces, while the engineers and atmospheric technicians, nominally both under the command of the chief engineer, may be at each other's throats, convinced the other side is sabotaging the ship and attempting to sabotage their efforts first.

Glad you liked the story, aiming for thursday for the next one.
Are you in shoggy's group, or was this just inspired by it?

I am the shoggy, I'd be surprised if you caught any of the others from my group here.
Awh, I was hoping for today. Can you at least give us a hint what's going to be going on in the next chapter?

Pretty sure he's in it, because that's less "inspired by" and more a "blow-by-blow of what's fucked aboard the Occurrence Border."
Awesome. I fucking love you man.

how much was Sarge inspired by Sam Vimes?

Not really inspired exactly, it just sort of bleeds in since all of us have read and liked the books.

He's not a ripoff like Nubby, just someone in a similar situation.
Heh, I do love Pratchett. Thoughts on Raising Steam?
Polite sage for off topic.
"Explosively self-disassemble." That made my day.

I thought it was fun and the fellow who reads the audio books is quite good. Not sure I'd say it's an epic adventure, more of an enjoyable story about the characters doing what they do.
>Polite sage for off topic.
Hey tripfag.
Not sure if you noticed, but for a while now options like sage or noko have stopped being shown in the post. There is no reason to explain sage, least of all in your own thread. You are basically asking for compliments on being normal when you aren't.

I have to imagine this is what the guy who got to fire the energy gun felt like
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Great, now I have to go listen to the whole album AGAIN.
Hey, calm down man.
The weapons are slug-throwers which have to be aimed by hand-crank.

The sensors still operate on radio frequencies, instead of bouncing lasers off the target. On the bright side, you can scan stuff through clouds, but every time you scan something the something hears a burst of static over their comms system.

There's a mining laser mounted on the ship, for handling asteroids. It has a "rotary capacitor"--pretty much a flywheel--for storing the vast amounts of energy required to cut chunks of space rock at a decent speed. This device happens to not be balanced very well, so when it's charging up, it shakes the whole front end of the ship around like some kind of giant Xbone controller with the rumble set to "your mother's vibrator".
The parts in the ship were sourced from several different countries to save costs, with little thought given to standardization. Consequently half the ship is held together with left handed bolts and the other half is held together with right handed bolts.

>comms static
>Not an unearthly, wailing, incredibly loud PING through their hull


>dat second one
Perfect ambience.
Yeah, it was definitely enjoyable.
Anyway, to business.
>Upon close inspection during a maintenance overhaul, there is a very thin weld running all around the mid section of the ship. Looking closer, the front half is painted a different colour, under the current paint, to the back, and the serial numbers of the two halves don't match up.
>The weapons locker contains 6 Mosin-Nagant 91/30 rifles and 40 cans of ammo dated 1972.
>The compressed air system for ejecting missiles from the launch tubes is broken and has been replaced with blackpowder charges.
>The captain's suite is decked out like a bad 70's porno, with deep shag pile, a huge futon and fake wood veneer. It reeks of cheap cologne and old lube.
>There is a door located near the captain's quarters labeled "Hot Chicks Room." Only the captain has security clearance to open the door and there have been reports of disco music emanating from within at all hours.
Ok, how about this as a ship trait, a real trait that you can use even in RT.

>Unique power transmission architecture
The power transmission and cables are most likely the result of a ambitious project to save overcharge and overclock power while at the same time to allow for those options. The pathways that house the cabling charge up around them and provide a additional self regulating conductive medium around the cable that as a dampener at first and the more a system is in use the more conductive the internal compartment of the cabling gets thus increasing the power regularly to the system in use.

The more you keep the engine powered up the more power it will get, similarly with weapons , sensors, etc, eventually risking to overpower them and burn them out or to waste prodigious amounts of energy beyond the reactor can produce.

Powermangement is constantly needed to ensure your light bulbs do not get burned and that you do not find yourself suddenly without a engine to use or gun to fire.
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>The weapons locker contains 6 Mosin-Nagant 91/30 rifles and 40 cans of ammo dated 1972.
>For reasons no-one can explain, midship storage room seven pi theta is always in zero g.
>one of the starboard restrooms is perpetually covered in graffiti. Whenever the maintenance staff remove it more is back the next day. It varies from day to day and sometimes has cryptic warnings that never fail to be true
>The warp core functions at 33% capacity (if at all) when not being fed a steady diet of pretzel twists.
>Instead of throwing out out of alignment laser emitters, they are delivered to the kitchen. There the chef gives them excellent second lives as food warmers and cookers, popcorn (and balloon) poppers and occasionally tanning devices.
>The AI cycles the doors intermittently and refuses to explain why. It has fortunately refrained from cycling both airlock doors at once... so far
>A kinetic kill vehicle from a previous battle punched through the reactor containment wall and got stuck in place. Having it removed would require more time in drydock and money than the captain has, so it was welded into place and left to serve as the plug for the hole it created.
>The ship's primary armament is bomb pumped lasers, which are powerful but must be launched a minimal safe distance before going off lest the ship be caught in the blast
We're not using that until the bayonets break.

>Firing the main gun heats up the rooms near the forward battery
>This wouldn't be too bad if said rooms weren't crew quarters and fire control

Bonus points: the climate control is stuck at subzero temperatures, so the only way to warm the ship is to shoot.
>There are several pinhole hull leaks that have been repaired with cardboard and ducttape.

>The loading crane in the cargo bay has a 3 second delay on its manual controls.

>There is an unusual phenomena located around the hyperspace core that started the last time it broke down in hyperspace. The engineering crew have dubbed them "The Parallels" after the belief that what we're seeing is shadows of the crew in a parallel universe.

>The engineering team has taken to recording these "Parallels" and adding humerus dialog and sound effects and posting them on the ships digital bulletin board.

>Do not worry if you observe your parallel getting brutally murdered. Just because it happened over there doesn't mean it'll happen here. The ship's councilor has become obsessed with the idea that fewer you's in the multiverse only makes you stronger.
> The ship is practically wallpapered with sticky notes that provide useful information.
>> Information on the sticky notes ranges from the exact ("This hydroponics bay must never be used to grow cauliflower; cauliflower grown in this hydroponics bay becomes gigantic, mobile and carnivorous"; "this corridor appears to be upside down because it was installed upside down; the gravity plates are located in the floor, which is now the ceiling, and are being run at -1g to allow you to walk on the ceiling, which is now the floor,") to the vague ("DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PRESS THIS BUTTON"; "We don't know why there's plasma running through this conduit, but if you shut it off the forward showers spray poo instead of water.")
>> Nobody knows who's putting the sticky notes there, but a careful census of the sticky notes confirms what the more perceptive and/or paranoid crew already believed: more of them are appearing. Frequently, they turn up in places relevant to currently-ongoing problems, with information relevant to said ongoing problems.

(Sorry, Shoggy. :) I had to.)

> The lavatory systems were designed to operate in any imaginable life-supporting situation, from zero G to hard vacuum to immersion in water. They truly are the finest toilets yet invented by man.
>> Operating them is a task so complex that it requires specialized training and a checklist, otherwise the exact opposite of a successful toilet flush is what occurs.
>> This wouldn't normally be a problem, as they were installed with dedicated computer hardware and sensor suite to handle operation, but during the last counter-boarding action a pirate lobbed an EMP grenade into the shitters, frying the systems completely and forcing the crew to resort to manual controls and a buddy system. Replacing the control software and sensor suite costs 90% of what replacing the lavs entirely would cost, as an anti-software-piracy measure.
> The control cabin and computer core was salvaged from a deserted listening post left behind by an advanced alien race.
>> While all the systems are benign and perfectly capable of operating the ship's systems and perfectly adapting to human languages, even going so far as to feature adaptable user-interfaces, the bridge featured only one chair, and many of the controls are at elevations off the deck (ranging from mere inches to nearly shoulder height) and are so closely packed together that it precludes installing additional chairs at most workstations, either because a chair wouldn't fit there, or because it would be where someone else needs to be. As a result, most of the crew on the bridge must work either standing up or kneeling on the deck.

>The transporters are an advanced version created from open-sourced technical blueprints.
>> They work much better than the proprietary corporate-installed versions, able to penetrate most forms of interference that standard transporters can't get through.
>> Additionally, the transporter is capable of repairing practically any physical trauma and most diseases a crewman may be suffering from.
>> They do, however, have the small side effect that a person must never transport whilst wearing or in close proximity to any form of hardware (handheld sensors, weapons, etc,) or the transporter's medical routines will decide that this transport is a cybernetic augmentation session, and will integrate the device into the crewman.
>> Additionally, and perhaps worryingly, if a crewman is transported off the ship and fails to return in 48 hours, or returns via means other than the transporters, a duplicate of them (referred to as a reinstantiation by the transporter system) will be materialized on the pad, and the transporter will console the duplicate on the death of their prior incarnation whilst welcoming them back to the living.
Wait a minute, nobody thought to have a button or console variable that overrides the augmentation subroutine?

What kind of idiots programmed this teleporter? I mean, sheesh. It's not like having to toggle an option on or off is gonna cause that big a problem, especially since not being able to switch it off could cause serious medical complications.

I know this thread is basically No OSHA Compliance Allowed, but holy shit.
Ship's holoreality has unfortunately expanded to entire vessel with an Age of Sail physical interface. Ships AI demands Weevil themed jokes etc. when the Captain invites the Officers and a mid to mess. Toasts by the day of week enforced. As are rum dockings / whippings for infractions (even though it isn't a "whipping" ship). Every journey requires six months of apparent conscious simulation per jump, even though the jump drive is millisecond in actual elapsed time for any distance. AI requires that Ships surgeon actually be a Doctor and be shipped hard with the Captain.
Well, it's open source. I'm guessing it's just like real life open source programs, which often either have too many features or lack standard ones entirely based on the whim of the last person that threw it together.
>The shield emitters aren't rated for the size of the ship, and are perpetually out of phase. This causes the shield to contract at higher intensities, resulting in a significant increase in atmospheric pressure unless the shields are gradually eased to full power.
It's actually very, very well programmed (which is /why/ it can cybernetically integrate your hand tools into your person in a manner which is functional and minimally intrusive/minimally obvious,) the problem is that it's exceptionally, exceptionally poorly documented and operates with a user-interface that focused on the bare basic operations of transporting; and although the code is well-commented, it's commented in a myriad of languages, both technical and linguistic, and is excessively arcane and dense to decypher.

Basically, the people who put it together did so under the assumption you'd have a powerful psuedo-sapient AI integrated into a computer which was integrated into your brain, so you could tell your personal AI what you wanted the transporter to do, in plain language, and the AI would wirelessly program those instructions into the transporter. But nobody on the ship has a head-AI, and they're basically using the emergency manual controls to do everything.
>The pilot's pit is small and dense with controls. The chair is supposed to run on a short track to put the pilot in the pit after he sits down, and run backwards to give him room to stand up and exit. The chair is broken however and you'll have to squeeze over and around the chair.
>Its actually quite comfortable and cozy once you're situated.

>Nobody knows what race designed the turrets, but they have an odd design philosophy.
>Instead of activating when the gunner presses a button or a pedal or a trigger, they fire on locked targets when two dead man switches are released.
>The guns take a while to warm up their capacitors, so you can't just keep them off until combat, so have fun death gripping dead man switches whenever you're in shady space. Don't slip.

>The massive gyroscopic flywheel on your cargo ship that yaw pitches and rolls you works best situated at the center of mass.
>This is about 2/3's of the way back in cargo towards the engines and power plant.
>The housing for the flywheel is the same dimensions as the cargo hold and thus splits it into one large section and one small section you have to load separately.
>It is not accessible any other means than walking through cargo. So its inaccessible to repairs until you move things, or if you packed cargo with enough space for someone to float.
At some point the landing legs were shortened, however, the radar altimeter for landing can't be re-calibrated. The result is the hover jets always automatically cut off 3ft before touchdown.
>The shields are a foot thick swarm of nanites held in place with an artificial gravity field that are programmed to devour anything that hits the swarm. This provides excellent defense against missiles and cannons, but the only defense against energy weapons is simply taking the hits for you.
>Sensors pierce them easily, but you're greeted by an uncanny broiling sea of grey if you look out a porthole.
>God forbid anyone fall off the hull when the nanite shields are out.
>God forbid the canisters that the nanites are funneled into with grav fields when not in use are breached.
The port RCS quad has a combustion instability in one of the cones which is a harmonic of the local structure... anyway, when you turn in just the right way, and you least expect it, the whole ship vibrates like a depressed banshee with a trombone at teeth rattling volume.
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We have a winrar
Some genius built the heat radiators in the INSIDE of the cargo bay doors. So, if you don't want to overheat in space, you have to fly around with the cargo bay doors open.
Right side?
The large internal fuel tank has no baffles, so any sudden maneuvers can cause the fuel to slosh around a bit, making the ship wobble in the perfect way to cause seasickness.
The main communication antennae sticks up 20 meters out of the dorsal hull surface, and acts as an excellent lightning rod when landed on stormy planets.
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Dont worry about the smell of burning rubber. We've changed the filter scrubber 5 times, and it still smells like that. you get used to it soon enough.

describe the horrible screech whenever one specific door is opened or closed. No amount of oiling fixes it.

Somewhere, a door handle on a locker has broken off, and has been replaced with a set of molegrips clamped onto the stub of a handle.

the emergency light in one room/area won't go off. its been covered up with a box taped to the wall.

Duct tape can and will hold a console together. this is a temporary repair until it can be properly rebuilt. And has been like this for 3 years.

Likewise, the pilot's chair has at least one corner taped up where its torn.

Doorframe is slightly crooked from a decades-old attempt to board the ship. Because of this, one of the stateroom doors doesn't latch.

Graffiti with outdated slang is carved into the console with a sharp knife.

The deckplates aren't quite level, so anything placed on the floor of the ship tends to roll to one side.

One of the emergency warning lights is burned-out. Nobody's ever noticed.

One of the deckplates is slightly ajar, causing people to constantly trip over it, especially when running.
Improperly installed warp shielding has caused warp to leak and the ship is now slightly banana shaped.
>Goliator crew members tend to share space suits with smaller crew members, as we don't have enough creds to buy every one a EVA suit. There has only been two accidents so far.
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>slightly banana shaped
It's a design feature!
The small port cargo bay had a large teleporter installed, to allow cargo to be beamed to and from the ship.
Somebody linked it to the ship's hypenet communications array, allowing anyone with the ship's HP address to beam things into the cargo hold (and visa versa, though that's rarely practical) , though the energy expense to do this increases exponentially with distance.
The notes in the ship's repair history mention "same day delivery for online shopping".

The problem with this only became apparent when a group of boarders teleported into the cargo hold, having found the delivery address in some stolen data.
After they were dealt with the structurally-critical cargo hold was reinforced with battleship-grade armour to prevent tele-bombing (its weight causes the ship to list in atmospheric flight) and a second hypernet array was installed.
The original hypernet link is now permanently run through questionably-legal routing services to reduce the chances of this sort of thing happening, as it is part of the central communications and scanning array and cannot be shut down without replacing the entire thing.
Occasionally free stuff gets beamed into the hold, but it is usually the sort of stuff people would ONLY send by untraceable hypernet network.
I wonder what would happen if they patched that ship up right?
Doesn't everything get archived?

The ship was cobbled together out of parts from two separate ships, both with partially-distributed AIs
Power, air, fuel and plumbing systems were easy enough to get working.
A couple of transformers, pipe and wiring kludges did the job. The AIs know how to deal with things even if they don't know where they come from or where they are going.

None of the more sophisticated systems - the navigation, sensors, hyperdive, weapons - however, can communicate with each other digitally.
The solution the builders found is for the two AIs to literally tell each other what's going on via pairs of holographic interface terminals, linked to their respective cores.

The pair on the bridge are the only ones that can show full intelligence AI - the rest are pretty much limited to displaying information and seeing what the other one displays.

The Bridge AIs basically act like a pair extra crewmembers, though the quality of the AI systems is such that they have to be reset every few months.
The resets get new personalities which cannot be pre-selected, so the matchups they produce vary wildly.

So far they have produced two romantic pairs (one of which broke up, necessitating an early double reset), four personalities that have hated various crewmembers, a case of AI insanity, five pairs that didn't get along to varying degrees and three duos that heckled the crew like Statler and Waldorf.
Those space shuttle feels.
>The ships hull was built using a, at the time, highly experimental alloy that was considered nigh indestructible due to it's ability to harmlessly disperse 90% of all directed energy fired at it. Unfortunately it's also water soluble.
>Due to a logistical oversight, the ship was built with a FTL field generator meant for a ship one size smaller.
>This became apparent on the maiden voyage when 2/3s of the ship's internals jumped into hyperspace without the hull, half the engines and half the comms equipment.
>After quickly jumping back, the ship was repaired (although the weld marks are very prominent in those rooms that were bisected) and the field generator replaced with one for a ship a class LARGER than the ship, through another clerical error
>The crafty captain capitalizes on this by covering the outer hull in EVA tether anchor points. The ship now offers "Steerage class" tickets, and upon purchase you spend the voyage in an EVA suit tethered to the outside of the hull. If the trip takes longer than three days they cycle you in every three days to empty your waste reclamation systems, restock your oxygen and nutrition bottles and give you a stretch while they do so
>If you don't like looking at hyperspace you can put your visor down and talk to others in suits and in the ship via the local network. Premium steerage get movies and competitive multiplayer video games
>>The crafty captain capitalizes on this by covering the outer hull in EVA tether anchor points. The ship now offers "Steerage class" tickets, and upon purchase you spend the voyage in an EVA suit tethered to the outside of the hull. If the trip takes longer than three days they cycle you in every three days to empty your waste reclamation systems, restock your oxygen and nutrition bottles and give you a stretch while they do so
>>If you don't like looking at hyperspace you can put your visor down and talk to others in suits and in the ship via the local network. Premium steerage get movies and competitive multiplayer video games
Sounds dangerous, but amazing.
> Some time ago, some chucklefuck crewmember decided to take an angle grinder to protruding power consoles, piping, security matrices, and basically anything on the ship with an edge.
> He purportedly called himself the 'ergonomancer' before been shunted out the forward airlock.
> Unfortunately, the crew quarters in the stern of the ship had so many edges that he removed a tenth of its weight by grinding them down.
> the ship now lists bow-ward, and thrust is no longer applied evenly, but on the other hand, you'll never bump your knee again!
>The AI is aging and increasingly... "eccentric", but the captain doesn't have the money to replace it
>It plays what it deems "thematic" music on the bridge 24/7, and sometimes to the rest of the ship
>Unfortunately, during "boring" times it more or less plays whatever it wants so you might get dimmu borgir or polka concerto #4
>During non boring times the music is thematically appropriate roughly 50% of the time

>The ship's AI once got access to the animu subforums of the extranet and now picks at least two couples per load of passengers to "ship" together. It will arrange for the two of them to be stuck in the same room together and then attempt to engineer increasingly awkward or erotic situations until they either fall in love, pretend to do so or one murders the other
>It has so far respected the crew, mainly because the head engineer tends to it and the armsman has loudly and violently promised to do terrible things if he ever wakes up in a pink tutu again

>The ship is an old generational colony ship which was later retrofitted with a jump drive. Uniforms are provided by uniform extruders in the airlocks and bedrooms; any non-ship produced clothing is physically barred from the ship in the name of "avoiding contamination"
>These uniforms are colored based on station and are relatively durable; being resistant to heat, cold, energy weapons and even the rigors of space to some extent
>They are also completely form fitting and leave nothing to the imagination, and due to the age of the extruders smell of ancient rubber and burnt plastic
>Each uniform lasts a day, with a new one being printed the next

>The ship has an aggressive anti-boarding system
>Anyone/thing not wearing a ship provided ID tag is given a 2 minute warning; if it does not acquire an ID when this time is up the grav panels underneath it are cycled until a heartbeat is no longer detected
>The ancient ID printing machine can only print IDs with a battery life of three days each
>The last sensor technician/operator was a movie buff and found great joy in customizing his computer interfaces, resulting in both strange and occasionally comical audio files being used for warning tones.
>>Unfortunately after going on an LotR marathon he replaced the "incoming hostiles/debris" warning sound with the screech of the Ring Wraiths.
>Somehow, the ship's lounge's music system got cross wired with the ships comms
>Whenever anyone says anything over the comes that the music system can parse as the title of a song, it will add that song to the queue of songs it plays over the comms.
>The queue has since gotten so large that the crew no longer cares if they add to it or not
Still naggin for monies though
>The long-range sensors can't detect moving objects.
>On the other hand, the fold-out bunks in the aft hold start flapping in and out exactly three minutes before any ship enters scanning range
I immediately thought of this song when I saw this thread. But then again I've been listening to the album (amongst others) while playing Elite: Dangerous lately.
Pilot's wheelhouse is actually a Datsun 120-Y. Will refuse orders unless 18-25 year olds are fucking in the back.
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>To save space the engineer's station is crammed in a tight space between the wall and the reacor core's outer shielding, necessiating the engineer to squeeze through the narrow space to get to his workstation. This wouldn't be so bad if the emergency shutdown switch of the reactor wasn't placed so that he risks hitting it if he leans too much to one side. Luckily the essential systems run on emergency power if the main reacot is down, but restarting the reactor takes several hours.
>There is a non-standard device in the engineering section, installed by the previous owner. Nobody is sure what it does, but it looks importants.
>The life support system has a slight malfunction, and refuces to lower the temperature and humidity of the bridge to below subtropical levels. Most of the bridge crew has taken to working in shorts and t-shirts.
>Do not under any circumastances turn off the light in restroom 2B. Due to an error when wiring the systems, the ship considers it an essential part of life support and seals off the whole section of the ship if the light is ever turned off.
>There is approximately one second of lag in the ship's sensor output. Normally this is not a huge probelm, but must be taken into account when performing delicate manouvers.
>The engines of the ship have been upgraded to allow increased speed and manouverability. Unfortunately the new engines are not designed to for this class of hull in mind and the ship vibrates noticeably when running them at anything more than minimal power. According to the engineer, running the engines at full power more than a minute will risk tearing the ship apart.
Ship uses an archaic entertainment mechanism's (XBOX 360) controller as a steering device.
It's a fixie starship...
Someone should compile these quirks into a list when you roll up a ship.
>Roll 1d6 quirks for your ship
>Roll 1d100 for each quirk.
>Someone should do something I am clearly too lazy to do myself and then hand me the result.
ftfy, pal.
The vessel saves on R-mass by cruising for three-quarters of the trip. To maintain a comfortable 1G for the crew, they temporarily occupy a set of three habitation pods that rotate around the ship on tethers. There are reports of the tethers snapping and flinging the hab-pods into deep space, but the company went under ten years ago and so there's nobody to do a recall. Nobody even knows specifically which model numbers are affected by the defect.
>The ship's rear cargo bay intercom has the words "DON'T LISTEN" scratched into the bulkhead next to i.
>Occasionally, the sensors will detect a ship inside the ship, and attempt to make a target lock.
>The reactor power occasionally fluctuates in a heartbeat pattern.
>The reactor room is welded shut from the outside. Nobody has had the stones to look inside.
>The FTL drive's maintenance instructions are in braille. The layout of the FTL room is conducive to blind crew.
>The female crew refuse to enter the meat locker for reasons they cannot articulate besides "my child".
>When in Dominion space, the operators of the forward kinetic turrets have reported hearing their guns dry fire for upwards of 30 minutes. This vessel used to be a military resupply ship.
>No one has reported seeing the captain away from his post for the last 72 hours.
>Sometimes the ship's computer will announce that a message from an unknown contact has been received. When attempts are made to view or listen to it, no evidence of any message can be found.
>There are two escape pod bays. There is one escape pod. As far as the ship's computer is concerned, there has always been one escape pod.
>The cook's stove will briefly smell like burning hair when turned on.
That's just amazing.
>>When in Dominion space, the operators of the forward kinetic turrets have reported hearing their guns dry fire for upwards of 30 minutes. This vessel used to be a military resupply ship.
This could be a really neat plot device.

The rogue turret only gets ammunition when there's actual combat. It takes a second to load, but keeping it loaded would be ludicrous. It is known to sometimes self activate, target seemingly random vessels, and open sustained fire, you can hear the relays clicking away. It targets specific vessels and even holds fire when other ships occlude them. But it happens rarely and nobody has the money to fix it. Taking the turret apart shows it in perfect order.

But of course the target lock triggers all kinds of alerts in military ships with early detection sensors. So when the party is in a tense diplomatic situation...

Anyway, eventually someone could start to figure out why it targets certain ships. The common element (certain crew species?) could lead to a quest that finally reveals the rogue turret to be from a ghost ship lost in an almost forgotten war but rumored to still be out in the black somewhere.

Now you try following a ship inconspicuously that is suspicious because your turret targeted it while it is suspicious because your turret targeted it.
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After the original AI was corrupted by an EM weapon, the previous engineer patched together a replacement using code from a nearby videogame.

The replacement AI is quite competent, but still firmly believes itself to be a simple knight whose soul was somehow transplanted into a great metal dragon.
wonder how badly that'd freak out some space-kiddy who had never seen a submarine due to them being centuries out of date.
>The bathroom door squeaks no matter how much you oil it
>The captain had the money for an upgraded reactor, but the dock went over budget installing it and then refused to finish the job. They installed the reactor most of the way, and the only thing they didn't finish was upgrading the vent ducts
>As a temporary measure, the engineering airlocks are left open and the ducts have been ruptured to allow the reactor to vent properly
>While all engineers must now wear pressure suits, it is also a handy way to deal with boarders who aren't similarly hard-suited

>The ship's life support systems were originally designed for lifeforms that lived in an atmosphere with rather more chlorine than our own
>We've turned down the chlorine production as much as we can, but we can't turn it off because it's necessary for the reaction that produces the oxygen and scrubs the CO2
>You have to wear filters at all times
>if you want to wash your face in the shower or shave, hold your breath
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>Doesn't everything get archived?
>The ship's nav-scan array is a very old model, which happens to operate on the standardised weapons targeting frequencies. This has proven problematic.
I love this. So. Much.

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