As an aged, veteran adventurer, you're asked to give a young party a word of advice.What's the first thing you tell them about the adventuring life?
>>42858078Be sure to kill the quest giver after completing a quest, you get a bit more XP that way.
Never forget the value of arson.Gold melts but is not destroyed, most gemstones will be undamaged, and magical items cannot be destroyed by nonmagical fire.
>>42858078Never ever just hand an item over to the questgiver. He wants something you have, which means you have leverage.
>>42858078Vecna's Head, much like your mothers love, is a scam.
>>42858078If a woman is stalking you, run for the fucking hills. Because it either means that she wants to kill you or she's madly in love with you.In either case you should run faster than a bard running from a rape victim.
Be patient. If you stumble upon a featureless 20' by 20' room in a dungeon with a minotaur in the center of it, you can usually just seal up the door with some pitons or a bit of stone shaping. Come back a few days later and bam! damn things starved to death. Saves you the fight.
Never go up against a litch when basketball is on the line.
>>42858078A bard's priorities can be summed up with a simple phrase:"Any hole is a goal."
You see someone muttering in a strange language, it's a wizard. Kill it.You see an elf, it's a wizard. Kill it.You see someone with a book, it's a wizard. Kill it.Never ever trust a wizard, kids.
>>42858078"Never get involved in politics. It only Cheapens the game. "
>>42858078Is a little girl involved in your quest? She's ALWAYS the evil mastermind. She's either using shapeshift, is a succubus, just an inherently evil child genius, or some other horrible evildoer. Put her to the sword immediately, no questions, no delay. You'll regret it if you don't, mark my words kid.
>>42858078Never go anywhere without rope.
>>42858078>Always bring fucking rope. Always.>first magical item you should get is a bag that can gold all your shit, saves your back.>a bag of rocks are always helpful.
>>42858078Bring some long last vegetables and fruits with you. Malnutrition kills. You want fucking goiter?
Fuckin owlbears man, thousands of em inside one tiny little cave. Every time I close my eyes I...
Take what you can and give nothing back
>>42858078Pillage, then burn.If violence wasn’t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it.Never turn your back on an enemy.A soft answer turneth away wrath. Once wrath is looking the other way, stab it in the kidneys.Do unto others."Wild Magic" means never stopping to ask "what's the worst thing that could happen?"Your name is in the mouth of others: be sure it has teeth.The longer everything goes according to plan, the bigger the impending disaster.The world is richer when you turn enemies into friends, but that's not the same as you being richer.Don't be afraid to be the first to resort to violence.The enemy of my enemy is my enemy's enemy. No more. No less.A little trust goes a long way. The less you use, the further you'll go.Only cheaters prosper.If you're leaving tracks, you're being followed.Don't expect the enemy to cooperate in the creation of your dream battle.
On a living creature, there are three points you should prioritize hitting. The eyes, the neck, and the groin.
Always burn the gold, goldbugs are the worst. it's like having a mimic in your coin purse
>>42858078Always have a towel. I know it's basic, but it never hurts to go over the basics.
>>42858078Running is always an option.
>>42858627Are you a veteran of hitchhiking in space?
Burn down every forest you come across, you never know what Fae are lurking within them.
Geek the mage first.
>>42858078It don't last forever. Geek the mage first.
>>42858078I've... seen things... you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion; I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate... All those... moments... will be lost, in time, like [chokes up] tears... in... rain. Time... to die.
>>42859015Blade runner a shit
Keep your socks dry and secure every hole
Watch out. That first steps a doozie.
>>42859083Jon Stewart a shit tooJeez anon such bad taste
Remember to kill anybody you don't want coming after you again.
>>42858078Whatever you do, don't go acting like you're some fucking badass when you come back to the tavern after you win. The rest of the adventurers will just laugh at the newfags who think they're hardcore and shit. Save yourself the embarrassment and say it was fun.
Always bring rope and a ten foot pole.Keep your feet healthy and your belly full.And look, this isn't a permanent career. Get in, get the paid, then retire and run a tavern or something. Look around, there's not a lot of old adventurers are there?
>>42858078"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!">Early on in my exploits my character's face was literally burnt down to the bone
>>42859297>The adventurer's guild is increasingly concerned with Grimnak the Faceless' method of education.
>>42859340Well, why don't you go tell him to stop doing the... whatever, skull thing to people.
>>42858078Good boots, good cloak, steel and flint - you need these first.
>>42859379Seriously, it's creeping me out.
>>42859340>implying adventurers' guilds were ever a good ideaThis is why I don't pay my dues.
>>42859379Who even let this guy into the guild? How did he apply? Are we sure he's not just an actual skeleton?>AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHDon't trust skeletons.
>>42859472SOMEBODY didn't say no to him and his creepy fucking skull face.
>>42859379>Grimnak, we need to talk.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!>You're scaring our students, and the headmaster is beginning to suspect that you aren't actually teaching them anything.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!>We've also had reports of your "lessons" consisting of you shrieking non-stop for hours on end. What do you have to say about these accusations?AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!>And please stop vomiting snakes, flies, and/or blood. We've had complaints from the cleaning staff.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
>>42859549Alright then. Good talk, Grimnak. Good talk.
>>42859549This feels like an Oglaf waiting to happen.
>>42859034I'm sorry you have shit taste anon. Now go back to your Bayformer films.
>>42858078"Never stab or loot an unguarded body in a coffin.It's not unguarded."- Runelord Sorshen (not really, but I gave up on getting people to call me by my own name years ago)
>>42859549Imagine his wife.>So sweetie, how was your day?AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH>Really? The guild gave you a talking?AAAAAAAAAAH>They're just scared honey. They'll get used to you.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
>>42858078Alright ye' little shits, I'll make it simple fer ye'.Ir one o' tha group is one o' them thieving Kender, then ye either kill it immediately, or you turn it in tae' the Guards for theft. Now bugger off, it's happy hour!
>>42858078Never trust the Elf Warlock.Just don't.
>>42859729Fo' weh es werf ainnunnas guwne be lehsn'n tha yer lehsn, ya ole maniac
>>42859716Worse yet, his children
>>42859821...As rude as this might be to say, did he ever get that fixed?
>>42858078don't trust rogues
>>42859863I wonder if he can not just constantly poke at that mask thing with his tongueI know I wouldn't
>>42859798>Fo' weh es werf ainnunnas guwne be lehsn'n tha yer lehsn, ya ole maniacFor what it's worth ain't none of us gunna be...[I HAVE NO IDEA]...you old maniac?I've brought shame upon myself for not understanding that. I suppose I'd better pay that bastard wizard to open a portal to Cadia so I can atone for my sins.But srsly, how far off was I? I NEED to know.
>>42859821>I'm sorry to call you in here today Mr. Grimnak.AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!>Your son had been disrupting classAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!>Young man, do you have anything to say for yourself?AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
>>42858078Don't fall in love. Ever.It never ends well for your career. Even if your beloved starts adventuring with you, one of you is going to be kidnapped and used as bait eventually, and then the other dies trying to rescue the kidnappee.
>>42859935>For what it's worth ain't none of us gunna be...[I HAVE NO IDEA]...you old maniac?>gunna be listening to yer lessonThat's what I read. Looks close to spot on, m8.
>>42860174Aaaah, that makes a lot of sense. The first lehsn threw me off because it seemed an awful lot like "lessoning to your lesson" and my brain derped out. Cheers m8y.
Do not stand in fire!
>>42859454Kids, always pay your dues to the Adventurers guild.They have a way of getting "quests" put on those who don't
There are multiple reasons why you should never stand behind the dragon.
>>42859297>>42859549>>42859716>>42859938I think that's his laught.
>>42858078Cooperate, coordinate, compromise.Your greatest strength is each other for divided you fall.
>>42858078Hope, Bravery, Loyalty and Valour are all good traits. Very fine, very noble, they make for a great heroic tale.But when your back is against the wall, you're reeling and ragged, and your enemies are closing in, those things will get you nowhere. No, a successful adventurer knows what the most appropriate response in that situation is: Indiscriminate violence.
>>42858078>Rope, poles, digging tools - that's some essential shit.>Kill the child. Yes, even if you are goody-two-shoes heroes. There's nothing chaotic or evil about common sense. If he's a quest one - don't mention your names, don't show your faces, stuff him in a bag and deliver him this way. If he's some sort of a Chosen One Who's Life Keeps the World in Balance - as above but also give him a dagger and some food and tell him about one of the adventure hooks you planned to use for yourself. Then move to another kingdom. Preferably in the direction opposite from the one you directed the kid towards. Preferably a few kingdoms away. >You can more or less trust someone who's hiring you for a job that is important but not absolutely crucial to him - being just another pin in someone's routine is safe. But the moment you're becoming a key figure in someone's plans is the moment you turn into a pawn on a chessboard. Sucks hard being a pawn on a chessboard. There are better ways to make some gold. >If you didn't make it out yet - stay THE FUCK AWAY from all the Fate of The World kind of business. Even if it ends well for the world - it never does for a good part of your party. Fate can always find some other bunch of meatshields to keep it safe.
>fire is your best friend, unless the problem is fire>everything has a weak point, especially the things that claim to have no weak point>dont try to rise up to something else's level to kill it, bring it down to yours, THEN kill it>all plans are bad plans until proven otherwise>all inanimate objects are mimics until proven otherwise >even the heavily armored warriors in your group should try sneaking up on the enemy,if they notice him early, hes still that much closer to putting his axe in their face>youd be surprised how often yelling something confusing or polite at an enemy will make them pause enough for you to get a hit in>bard colleges likes to say otherwise, but your genitals CAN save you >go for the eyes...or eye >pocket sand is good, but chili powder is great>keep that dragoon talking>something sharp, and something blunt >want a good deal? tell a dwarf merchant the elf down the way is offering less, or vice-versa >tavern whores are usually succubi, im not saying no but just a heads up
>>42858078Always geek the mage, younguns.
>>42858078You wizard over there!Let me tell you a simple tactic to solve most situations.Learn alchemy, focus on divination and get a familiar first.When you have to enter a warehouse to clear out some bandits etc. just use divination and your familiar to scout it out first and if there's no innocent people inside just burn it down.If there's a prisoner then send them a flamebane potion via familiar first and then burn it down.Fire solves so many problems and alchemy solves the problems that fire causes to your side.
>>42858078"It's awesome, have fun. Make sure you always got a buddy though. Doin' stuff alone is a bad idea."
>>42858078Paladins are more trouble than they're worth.
>>42858402If you aren't willing to take a fireball from your team-mate, you're not willing to winIf you're leaving scorch-marks, your fire magic is set too lowIf it can blow a hole in the ground, it'll double as an entrenching toolA rogue in motion out-ranks a warlord who doesn't know what's going onA wizard in motion out-ranks EVERYONESometimes the only way out is through a wallAnd something a bit less laconic... Sometimes the best way to win is to never draw your weapon in the first place. Killing the dragon and marrying the princess is easy. Living with the consequences, now that'll getcha.And what's with all the hatred towards kids around here? I've never had trouble from children in my life!
Attaching oil, and caltrops to a few torches is a cheap and dirty way to block a doorway when making a quick escape. Simply light the torch and throw it onto the ground behind as you run through the door, unless you are dreadfully slow that should buy you enough time to get a lead on your average combatants.Trust me, it works. And if it helps you live long enough to get some real coin the alchemical versions are even nastier.
>>42864918And antipaladins are WAY more trouble than they're worth.
>>42858078These hoes aren't loyal.
>>42865051Not really, paladins are quite willing to listen to reason.
>>42858078Do not touch magical items you haven't indentified. Ever. EVER.
If you're a wizard, don't be obnoxious. There'll always be a way to kill you, and your party will find it.
I was unaware that veteran adventurer advice all boiled down to "be an ignorant tomb-robbing nigger."
Take that money and invest in property, both buildings and on the move merchant caravans.Merchant caravans go everywhere, speak to everyone and hear all the rumors first, you can hide amongst them if things get too heated, get smuggled out the country, have them search far and wide for equipment you want, specialist items.And your average slaughter house butcher is one billhook, a weeks training and a kind word from his good boss that gave him time off to look after his dying nan away from becoming a revolutionary, a bandit, a cohort or a guard on the walls of your shockingly well fortified factory when the orcs attack your Pork sausage filled stronghold.It's very expensive to invest in priceless magic weapons, it's beautifully cheap to invest in people.A sword you can lose, you invest in a person at the right time and the debt will pay itself back a dozen times, from them, their friends, their family and their children.
If, during your travels, you encounter anything cuter than a small child or kitten, destroy it with prejudice, and ensure the surrounding landscape is rendered barren.
I can't beet Spoony's advice on this so I'd simply repeat that:1. Just killing people for lulz will cost you your life, your liberty and a lot of potential earnings.2. Being a generally alright person opens a lot of doors for you.
>>42865112>tfw no /tg/ related moonman songsGas the dwarves race war when
>>42864918On this theme; regardless of what you think your alignment is, you're probably Chaotic Evil.
>>42864918You won't fall if you execute your party if they're evil. Sometimes a ring of alignment change accidentally lands in the obnoxious CN ranger's tent...
Check your local heresy laws, and specialize into necromancy if you can. Undead don't eat, don't sleep, don't complain, and never try steal your rightly earned loot. And they make excellent lovers...if you're feeling brave and desperate enough
>>42865241>gas the race with strong constitutions and resistance to poisons
>>42865783>The joke>You headDwarves = jews
I'm currently witnessing the accumulation of /tg/'s essence minus the quest threads.You guys are the best.
>>42858078Never stop checking for traps.
Familiars don't count when voting.
>>42858078Ball bearings. Sure, they may not get more than one chump out of the group pursuing you, but that's one less sword coming for your head.Even if you're lawful good, sometimes it helps to tell lies.If there's a range of mountains known as "the Dragonspine", then chances are about 75% in favor of them being the ACTUAL spine of a dragon. Don't wake it.If you're going to fight in the desert, prepare/know/have scrolls of Aboleth's Lung. Cruel, yes, but it's effective.Used camels are usually better bang for your buck than new horses.Never sleep apart from your group.Avoid Moth. The Inquisition is unwilling to go there, that should tell you all you need to know.Long trek? One, hunt game when you can. Two, Ice magic can preserve meat for a long time. Three, pack some spices.The Contraceptive Protection spell is a lifesaver in more ways than one.
>>42858078You've got to smite all the evil, boy.
>>42858078The orphans probably deserved it or will deserve it eventually, so take no chances.
>Remember the golden rule: When the going gets tough, run like a bitch
>>42858402Those are very familiar. Aren't those "Something something maxims of maximum effectiveness?"I can't remember where it's from but I know i've seen those before.
>This advice goes mainly to martial classes, but everyone can benefit from better health. When you're deciding what food to stock on for your next voyage, pizza does NOT count as vegetable.
>>42858078Run away and do not look back. You might look and me and think, hey, he's been part of the same adventuring party his whole life - the Band of Bloody Bastards- so how bad can it be?Kids, let me tell you something. When I signed up to the band at the tavern that one night, not one of the people in the group are left alive today to warn you of this career choice. And not one of those people that took me on was themselves a founding member of the band. The party will chew you up and spit you out, but it will go on. So make your peace with whatever gods you worship, because only the immortality of the party matters.
1. Never get into a fair fight. The only fight someone thinks is fair is one where they have the upper hand.2. Avoid combat when possible. You're going to get into a fight eventually, it's unavoidable, but they're also dangerous so no reason to invite more trouble.3. When you do get into a fight, fight like a bastard. Traps, going for sensitive spots, and the like won't win you any favors with some people, but it's better then losing a limb.4. Don't be cruel. Put your opponents down quick as you can. Some might be tempted to draw it out for sadism or some other reason, but that's going to bite you in the ass. People with delicate sensibilities will hate you, and you run a good chance of facing something mad with pain.5. Be polite. It confuses enemies and makes people think you aren't planning something to their detriment. People usually treat you better too.6. Friends are always good.7. Never give away information. It's possible to go on for hours about the value of information, but the long and short of it is, the less someone has on you, the less they can do to you.8. Always have a new trick. Most people who last any amount of time in this business develop their favorite trick or tactic, which isn't bad. The problem comes when they expect it to work on every foe they encounter. If your opponent survives, they know how you operate, and there might have been unknown observers. Having a little unexpected something tucked away is good for at least putting your enemy off guard for a few moments.9. No rule is absolute. The above advice will serve you well in most situations, but there's always that one exception. You'll really only learn when to do it by experience, but it's better to be aware of the possibility.
If someone doesn't seem like they're trying to screw you, they're planning on screwing you when you stop being useful. Screw them over first.
>1. Geek the mage first>2. Information is ammunition>3. If you need to solve a problem use a gun. If that doesnt work use a bigger gun>4. Never accept a noble title. They're just trying to politically trap you into the kings service>5. Dead men tell no tales, but their orphans grow up to seek vengeance.>6. Mother fucking grappling hooks. Buy one.>7. Never cut a deal with a dragon >8. Around elves watch yourselves>9. Never trust a fae>10. Never trust a fae>11. Elves dont like Orks>12. Orks dont like Dwarves>13. Dwarves dont like anyone>14. If the enemy has you surrounded on all sides, that just means you cant miss.>15. If the BBEG is sitting on a ledge giving monologue, dont just stand there like an idiot, shoot him.>16. Mother fucking rope. Buy some.Anything else to add to the list?
>>42867675Don't corner people, it only causes them to fight with every inch of grain within their being.
>>42858078Drink. Drink heavily, drink heartily, and follow the bard's lead. Holes need to be conquered boys cause that their dragons hoard isn't unguarded. Theres about 500 tons of death and fire on top of it there. So be ready, have a wizard. And be hungover.
>>42858323>first magical item you should getUgh. The magic item shop is everything wrong with modern D&D.
>>42868348Cept it has nothing to do with modern D&D, as 5e did away with it.It's got to do with decade old D&D and Pathfinder, and the game being set in a high magic and fantastical setting is part of the draw. 3.PF and 4e were designed around the idea that magic was prevalent enough for the shop to exist.You might be doing it wrong.
You can raise tremendous funds if you sell your boipussi
>>42858078The man who fights and runs awaylives to fight another day
To be a man you must have honour, honour and a penis.
>>42872103and a pic related
>>42858078You can intimidate anything, including your comatose self.
Never underestimate the value of hirelings.And always bring a pole or stick to poke shit with.
>>42865112K K KKK
An "empty" dungeon isn't.
>>42859199>not making beots before the dungeon>not singing the tale of your past triumphsgetaloadofthiswelshman.tapestry
>>42859182 Now you are just lying.
>>42865112YOU FORGOT THE ROPE ASSHOLE, RULE 1.
>>42865823Yes, people can be traps too. Check them.
>>42872782As in, it's a deathtrap that hasn't been triggered.
>>42873014Or has it not being triggered a trigger, triggering even more triggers that are all death traps. You triggered me. I was about to call you a fascist but then I remembered that it is 2015 and that they call triggers different things now. Are you uhhh... a cis? That's right isn't it? Sorry, I'm very old.
Never enter a tavern called The Cimim
Anything can crossbreed with a human
>>42858078Don't give your trust easilyPeople will try to use you and they probably won't care about offing you when their doneFriends you can trust to watch your back are worth their weight in goldBeing polite cost you nothing and often opens doors so at least try to fake itBeing known to keep your word makes people more likely to hire you so don't get caught lying there is a time and a place for overwhelming firepower and it's effects on the area around it, no cares about the Dark Lord Castle but every one cares about the Home for Little Lost Children when you burn it downCollateral damage just makes you look sloppy or inept, both cut into your payYour Trail rations should include fruit and vegetables never think you've found all the traps, this doesn't mean never go forward just be preparedThe statue wielding a weapon will always come alive and attack, bring strong cuffsRope and a ten foot poll are basic gear for a reasonA couple mules and a Wagon will pay for themselves in no time with the extra loot you can carryLearn some extra skills, your never know when knowing a language or some ancient history or how to sail will make life easier for younot everyone in the party needs to be a great warrior but they do need to be able to defend themselvestheir is no such thing as a fair fight in a battlealways have someone keep watchKnowing how to forage and hunt for food in the wild can save some coin or your life in a bad situationKnow the laws and customs of where ever you are, being in jail or an outcast cuts into your coin
>>42858078>When taking quest never do the quest>Kill everyone before they get in your way>Female adventures in your group are only good for sandwiches and long nights>Tell your archer to yell "Reloading" before he fires again>If your in need for intercourse raid a village and take all their children they have better lasting value>Never trust your team they're going to turn on you when you get to the treasure>Dragons are always friendly and if they breath fire run into it to gain magical dragon powers>Orcs love meeting strangers>Cutting yourself will make you invisible to vampires>Elves are dimwitted and not cunning at all and you should immediately insult them.>Dwarves are actually a lot taller than normal humans>When fighting a mage call out your physical attacks as if they were spells to make him feel bad>Ignore books that shit ain't important>Demons don't real>Never tell anyone your back story. That shit is boring.>Never listen to anyone's backstory. If they start going on about it immediately kill them.>If your enemy is monologuing, let him finish it's rude to interupt.>Mimics don't real>HheheheheheheheehehThen i'd disappear in a smokey poof
>>42873675>>When fighting a mage call out your physical attacks as if they were spells to make him feel badThis one is just hilarious.>Fireba->NORMAL ATTACK!>Ouch! Fireb->NORMAL ATTACK!>Fuck's sake. Fireba->NORMAL ATTACK!>F-Fire->NATURAL 20!
Never trust a warm penguin, a skinny chef, or a smart woman.