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/tg/ - Traditional Games

>Be Colonel Commissar Felix
>be in Charge Americus 10th Mechanized
>be given orders to assault some dessert called Arazonia Secundus along with a few other Imperial Guard regiments
> Apparently its being used by Orks a staging ground for raids against a nearby Forge World and the Skitarii are to busy to go deal with it
>what ever, orders are orders and xenos are abominations that need to be purged
>a few weeks and one week later, we arrive over the planet
>Imperial Navy has secured space dominance before our arrival
>wait a while for the other regiments, they do not show up yet
>I say fuck it and order the regiment to land on the planet and establish a landing zone on a easily defendable hill
>once planet side I have the men establish a HQ and fortify the hill with trenches and the such
>I also make sure to send out a few Tauros do some recon, I need intel on the xenos infestation
>mfw I wish the Tallarn where here too
>Be Private Billy
>Be Tauros Driver
>Damn this place is hot as it is flat
>Reminds me of home
>Chug some whisky from mah flask, it is not like any orks are sneaking up on anyone out here anyways
>be me
>be Imperial Propaganda Reporter and all-around badass spin-doctor Erasmus Fisk
>pict-recorder guy is fucking around with pict-recorder when he should be getting a good shot of the Colonel-Commissar
>Planning a piece on the heroics of the Americus 10th in this warzone
>need some good shots of the Colonel-Commissar ordering his men around in a manner that can be portrayed 'heroically'
>Not sure if letting him spot us doing it is a good idea

You will have your prize!

I intended to type “Desert World” instead.

Spell check, fails me when I need it the most
>srsly my spell check has been acting wonky lately, even replacing almost entire sentences
>maybe the new software update fucked with a few things
>Be me, Ork Kob Silva.
>Be drivin' about on me bike. Spotted some pink skins settin' up a big warcamp out in da wastes.
>Drive inta Ork settlement of Boom!stone. Gots a nice set up built around that Oh-ay-siss place with all da water.
>Leave bike outside of fungus beer saloon. Make sure to yell at da boys outside about not touchin' me bike or I'd krump em.
>Enter Saloon. Is pretty big fer a beer hall, but we likes it dat way.
>See da Warboss kickin back and enjoying himself across da room.
>Scrap dat, I ain't going all da way over der.
>Draw in big lungful of air and bellow out so's he can hear me. "Oi BOSS! Der's some humies out in tha desert looking ta get krumped! Wot chew wanna do?!"
>Yeah, E' probably heard dat.
>Be Corporal Smith
>Drive a Tauros
>Life is good
>Imperial sponsored white caffeine-drink in cupholder
>Dipshit private on the back with a flamer
>Life is good, as always
>Shame I can't see out this helmet
>Be Tempestor Prime Eskur of the 6th Alphic Hawks
>Leading Militarum Tempestus platoon attached to the Americus 10th
>Make the landing on the planet. Tell the colonel-commissar’s secretary that my boys and I will be doing advanced scouting
>Order my Scions into the Taurox Primes
>be in Command HQ looking over tactical map
>be planning and etc
>notice a Propaganda report
>I know how important morale is, it’s my job after all
>make sure he gets a few good shots of me pointing out areas of terrain that would give us strategic advantages over the green skins
>go out to over see the construction of the trenches, make sure the reporter gets a few good shots of me speaking will squad leads and etc
>go to the pill boxes, make sure the enemy is not here yet, also make sure that the reporter gets a few shots of me looking through a pair of Binoculars I borrowed from the sentry
>later my Scions asked if the could do more advanced recon, I allow this
>we could always use more intel
>back at the HQ I get a vox hail from the fleet
>from orbit they spotted some strange black spires not far from my base’s location
>vox my scions and tell them to go check out the spires, make sure to give them the right coordinates
>>67960960 Make sure to say your name, if figured it out, but we need consistency.

>Be Tempestor Prime Eskur
>received communication over the vox about some funky black spires
“Sure, we’ll check into it”
>take all five Taurox Primes over to the area, and park behind a ridge
>have a squad of Scions head I’ve rthe ridge
>I access their pict-feeds in my slate monitron
>black spires with straight carvings
>order them back
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>Be me, former imperial storm trooper Greger von Rosen
>Inquisitor I was escorting crashed his ship on this planet a couple years back, got our engines sniped by a couple chaos marauders
>Our astropath died on impact so I've been unable to contact the imperium
>I say "I" because I had to kill the Inquisitor when he accused me of being a saboteur and tried to execute me
>Ended up breaking his wrist and executing him with his own boltpistol
>Stole his pistol, Rosarius and a power axe he for some reason had in his armoury
>After a couple days I found out I wasn't alone, got together with a techpriest, Major Valler, a sergeant and some regular guardsmen
>Broke into the ships main armoury, nabbed the best gear we could and headed down to the hangar
>For some reason the inquisitor brought a fleet of vehicles with him, a couple bikes, a chimera, a tauros and a Tauros venator
>After a while we got the hang of driving the vehicles, got as much fuel as we could and rode off to kill Orks
>Been a few years since then, we lost a few of the bikes, some guardsmen and the Tauros is running on an engine held together by duct tape and bubble gum
>Have to regularly raid abandoned imperial settlements on the planet just to survive
>God Emperor I hope we run into other imperials soon, I haven't gotten the chance to take a shower in a while
>We ran out of whiskey five years ago too
>Whenever I get to dream, all I can see now is Sand and women made out of sand
>By the throne, I fucking hate sand
>Oh well, at least I get to use the guns on the Venator
>It's probably not as bad as being stuck in the Chimera, these Autocannons are pretty fun to tear through ork vehicles with too
>...Is that a Taurox in the distance?
>Be Tempestor Prime Eskur
>All Scions mount up
>start vrooming around the desert in formation
>send a message back to HQ
>black spires appears to be of Necron origin
>keep zooming about
>pull a smoke out of my greatcoat
>light it and take a long drag
“Necrons. Orks. This might be interesting.”
>My command squad apathetically agree
>Scion co-driver reports of unmarked imperial armored convoy on the auspex in the distance
>order the five Taurox Primes into defensive formation
>Taurox Primes with Gatling Cannons on either side of my front tracks, ones with battle cannons on either side of my rear tracks
>safe in the middle
>order an approach from the left flank
>Be me, random Imperial guard trooper.
>Fuck this assignment. Fuck it in the ass.
>Be random inquisitor
>Think I hear someone mumbling
>Mumbling about not wanting to fulfill his duty to the God Emperor
>Start shooting indiscriminately until mumbling stops
>Be Colonel Commissar Felix
>get word from the Scion recon force
>the spires are indeed necron in origin
>I curse the damned xenos under my breath, making sure not to break my composure in front of the men
>the last time I fought necrons was when I was a junior commissar, 9/10 of the regiment was annihilated
>push the bad memories out of my mind
>immediately vox the fleet and inform them of the Necron presence
>also ask for reinforcements
>also hold back the urge to call for immediate evac, we have job to do, we cannot abandon it
>once I make the call I head to my tent and break out the Amasec, it gonna be a blood bath
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>Be me, former imperial storm trooper Greger von Rosen
>Oh shit, it is a Taurox!
>Several, in fact
>All heading our way, it seems
>Ah shit
>Bang on the roof of the Tauros, signalling to the driver to slow down
>Yell at the dirty, tired and ragidly looking Major
>Point at the group of vehicles approaching
>The major yells for the entire convoy to stop, and we do so
>I wonder if I look a little bit like a chaos worshiper with this power axe
>I hope these guy knows what chaos is
>Major stumbles out of Chimera supporting the wounded sergeant
>Just sort of stand there in the sand for a couple moments before we see the group of transports move in from the left
>Wait a minute, is that a Taurox prime?
>Oh shit, scions
>Convoy stops just before the Taurox' roll up and unload a command squad
>Scions spill out from the other vehicles as the Scion commander approaches
>Remove my helmet and rest it against my torso, showing the commander that I have no traces of chaotic mutation
>He walks up, eyes the three of us and then the rest of our formation
>"What in the emperors holy name are you doing out here?"
>Major explains how we ended up here and what we've been doing for the past... I dunno, five years?
>Scion commander asks why we didn't send a distress signal
>Answer that the astropath turned into tomato sauce one the windows of the bridge
>Scion seems to find the answer satisfactory and asks us to report our ranks and what regiment we belonged to
>Answer first with name, rank, regiment and attatched regiment (1st Tartarus grenaiders, 167th Cadian)
>Major and Sergeant follow after
>Major gets invited to the command Taurox, Sergeant gets sent back to our Chimera to recieve medical aid and I receive nothing but a thumbs up for surviving this long
>Ask one of the scions if they could share a lho-stub and they comply
>Ask what I've been missing, apparently there are also necrons here
> Be Me Night Lords Warband Leader
> Get word of Imperials on some planet with a necron tombworld and an ork problem.
> Hey sounds like fun.
> Point the ship in that direction and make best speed for the system.
> itsspookingtime.mp4
>Be Tempestor Prime Eskur
>Catch a plucky set lost guardsmen
>get their information
>See Scion Kenner share a smoke
>good on the boy, we don’t get much diplomacy around here
>take up their leadership and wounded
>see Scion Medi pull out the Martyr’s Gift medkit
>hear a scream as a moterized bonesaw removes part of one of what’s left of a guardsman’s arm
>another scream as a temporary bionic is forced in place
>check the vox
>out of range of HQ
>check the clarion vox
>in range
>vox a message to the colonel-commissar about the situation
>My platoon will escort the guardsmen back to HQ to be repatriated
>they’ll probably be considered veterans
>Be Private Billy
>Still Tauros Driver
>It sounds like the Glory Boys found some ruins they think belong to some neck-rons
>Not sure what a neck-ron is, my gunner thinks they are metal skeletons or something
>Huh, they don't sound that tough
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>hear about some battle that might need our help
>order my armored battalion to get in the Baneblades and roll out
>made sure to bring plenty of weed
>emperor provides and all
>rolls on to ship
>plays the anthem of the imperium as we arrive
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>Be Ork Warboss Hitrock.
>Be chillin' in me Saloon of me fine town of Boom!stone.
>Every-ting be going great. Gots me boyz all settled in wit all da comforts an modern fancy things. Runnin water, plenty o' fungus beer, dem big grox wot got all da nice meat on em, an... eh, other things!
>We even got some propa Eldar Wenches fer me Saloon. Don't right know wot wenches is for, but it feels right ta have em around. Like it, eh, completes da place or sumthin.

>One of me Nobs comes barging in like a squiggoth an bellows at me from across da hall. Like e's too good ta be pushing through da boyz like a real Nob. E's think headed e' is. Dun even know how ta spell 'Nob' half da time.
>Silva yellin at me about some humies out in tha desert kickin up dust an wutnot. Well, I suppose we better go and give em a right propa Orky greetin'.
>I call up tha boyz and let em know we's got a local WAAAGH! ta keep us entertained fer awhile. Sending out all the grots ta deliver the message over tha town.
>I look over to da closest squig-herder and give em and big smile, cuz e's goanna luv dis.
> "Stampeed da pink boyz!"
>Be Ork Nob Silva
>Boss Hitrock seems annoyed with me. I dun care.
>Calls up fer a big WAAAGH! on tha humies. I likes dat just fine.
>Follow em around an sees him tell the squig-herders to let da squigs stampede.
> Ha! Dats goanna be real good. We gots alot of squigs penned up. Like, alot of em. A whole lot of em. Is goanna righ fun it is.

>I gets charged wit gettin da biker boyz ta herd em all towards da humies camp. Which mostly involves hittin tha ones on tha outside of da herd to the right direction.
>Some of da boyz is goanna get bit, but most of em wont. Dey still got another arm ta drive with anyway.
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>Be me, once again imperial storm trooper Greger von Rosen
>Man, I never thought a Lho-stub could be this good
>Doesn't seem like anyone wants to take away my shit yet
>I bet everyone's getting a promotion after this, I'm probably gonna get turned into a Veteran Sergeant with the equipment to match
>Fuckin' baller
>Who knows, maybe I'll even get to keep my wargear?
>Got some new ammo for my bolt pistol, hope it hasn't gotten clogged by sand in the years that I've been using it as bludgeon
>Get into the gunners' seat of my Tauros again, just sitting around and waiting for us to drive off
>Suddenly, notice a large dust cloud approaching from the far north
>Recall that there was a rather sizable Ork force we were going to mess up over there
>Leap out of gunners' seat, rush towards the Scion Commander
>Scion commander immediately orders the rest of the Scions out of their vehicles, Major shouting orders at the guardsmen to dismount and grab their lasguns, shotguns, stubbers etc.
>Tauros move up, someone else takes my gunner seat, forming a firing line with the chimera
>Taurox' move up on the flanks, Scions joining into a firing line with the guardsmen
>Climb up on the hood of the Chimera, twirl my power axe about
>Rosarius shield is glowing bright
>I've grown quite adept at insulting Orks in their own language, gotten quite adept at killing them in single combat too
>Glad I kept this weird strung together plasma-frag-krak grenade for this occasion
>Time to beat down a warboss
>Or just a regular nob, either would work honestly
>Notice something come in hot to our right
>Is... is that a Baneblade?
>Be Tempestor Prime Eskur
>Plucky guardsman is yelling about orks
>something big on the auspex
>order everyone into battle positions
>Taurox Primes are readied with Gatling Cannons
>I dropped my smoke
>something else pops up on the auspex
>appsars to be a horde of squigs
>wonder if the guardsman is some kind of nascent psyker
>order everyone to advance on target
>stampede appears to be going to HQ
>I put us all down in an old fortification close to HQ, vox a warning to all Imperials in the area
>everything with any kind of anti-infantry gun is placed up front
>time to mulch the horde
>stubbers, stormbolters, hot-shot las and regular las, Gatling cannons, hot-shot volley guns (man-portable and vehicle mounted)
>blistering salvos fly into the stampede
>be me, leader of Khornate Warband
>We're the sons of death
>Enter out of the Warp near some planet
>Might be some skulls to take
>It's killing time boys
>Be Corporal Smith
>See some green fucking Orks
>Yell to dipshit private on back
>He starts firing the Taurox's flamer indiscriminately
>Begin driving towards Ork warband
>Crack open a cold white-caffeine drink and take a long sip
>Gonna burn these green fucks into boot-leather
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>me and 99 other baneblades charging onto the field
>guns going off
>smoke coming out of the window as we dont want to hot box it yet
>joint hanging outa my mouth
>firing my bolt pistol at all green skins
>feels nice
>anthem still playing
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>Be me, imperial storm trooper and wannabe Armageddon Ork Hunter Greger von Rosen
>Ok so, turns out that was just a Commissar riding in a Baneblade
>Holy shit that is a lot of heavy vehicles
>I'm surprised Macharius and Malcador tanks can survive in these conditions, the five Baneblades around the commissars I am not so surprised about
>It seems the Commissar is high, because he keeps referring to the Macharius' and Malcadors as Baneblades
>He also reeks of weed
>Give them directions towards the Ork camp and watch the Commissar blast off with his company worth of armoured vehicles, all the while blasting the anthem of the imperium
>I am at the same time impressed and horrified
>Apparently there actually ARE orks heading towards the 10th Americanus' camp
>Oh, guess we're still fighting today then
>Get inside the chimera as the convoy takes off at full speed towards the camp
>We drive for a couple minutes before I can hear the sound of ork vehicles and stampeding squigs
>Immediately rush up and punch open the chimera command hatch
>Clearly see the horde of squigs and bikerz moving towards the camp
>Once the convoy stops and the line is reformed in front of the camp, stand up on the back of the chimera
>Look over the Orkz leading the Squigs forward and point at the one that seems biggest, a rather large nob riding next to a smaller nob with the name "Zilva" inscribed on his bike
>Point at the bigger nob with my power axe and begin shouting at him
>Oh yeah, now he's mad
>Unhook power axe and grab it with both hands as I see him ride towards the chimera at extreme speeds
>Man, it sure would be inconvenient if we were interrupted by necrons right about now
>Be Ork Nob Silva
>Boy, der sure are alot of tanks in da way. Dats ok tho. Squigs ain't tanks so dey can't shoot em all.
>Let da squigs run ovah everthin, biting an chewing their way to tha squishy bits inside. Some of tha tanks gots their door open with smoke already pouring out. Dats a good way ta get squigged.
Da boyz is runnin about doin whateva now. Da squigs is flooding in an eatin' anythin they can gets der teef around.

>Some humie pops his ead' out of a tank and actually yells at me in Ork. I turns and gives em a propa Nob glare. Dis git wants a fight does e'?
>Equip tankbusta bombs
>I iz goanna open up his little box and slap em around.

>Rev me bike an drive at ludicrouz speedz towards em. Chuck da tankbusta ta crack it open.
>Ders a big boom as I fly past. Spin around an draw me powah stikk all bad-arse and check me work.
>be slanesh
>not exactly sure how to think about this commissar
>on one hand he is high as a kite
>on the other hand, this fucker is so devoted to that damn corpse throne that he isn’t going to sway easily
>send a demonet just to be safe
>spores for brains nearly killed him
>good thing it fell out a window, I think
>tell the demonet to hurry, as this might be interesting
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>green skin bomb is tossed at us while Jim takes a drag
>but thanks to our unwillingness to hotbox it flies out the window
>decide it’s time to hotbox it
>closes the doors and windows and speeds towards some stupid green skin
>vision mildly restricted by smoke
>no matter
>get on the vox and order the others back to the main group
>plays the anthem again
>bill asks if we can play the holy songs of a group call Sabaton
>why not
>here we go!
>Be me, Imperial storm trooper Greger von Rosen
>Performed a backflip off the back of the chimera as part of its roof got a hole punched in it
>Not again
>Land on my feet, small cloud of dust kicked up around me
>Some of the squigs have reached the guardsmen, can hear several dying loudly due to fatal doses of emperor-blessed ammo
>Pretty sure I can also hear a couple on our side getting gored
>The vehicles are unloading into one another, hear a couple Orks and guardsmen screaming in the distance
>See the nob land a couple meters away, cloud of dust seems to be hiding me
>Charge at him from the right unnoticed
>Slam power axe through the back wheels of his vehicle, rendering it useless
>Wrench it out of the back of his bike as he gets of, take a couple steps back to give me better striking distance
>He turns around and swings some form of mace-like weapon with a power field around it at me
>The strike suddenly stops just above my head, a shower of colourful light shimmering about his weapon for a moment before repelling it
>The ork seems highly confused
>As he's standing there confused, cleave open his torso diagonally, spraying the ground with his insides
>He staggers back a bit before spitting and moving to strike me again
>Narrowly duck under one of his swings and attempt to cleave his head in two
>Nob seems to have caught on and grabs the hilt of my axe with his left hand
>Let go of axe with my own left and draw my bolt pistol
>Can see him moving to crush my forearm
>Fire five shots, twice through the wrist, thrice through the elbow, leaving his right arm mostly useless
>Follow up with three shots at the nob's head, they tear through his left eye, jaw and forehead
>The great green beast lets out a pained grunt and steps back, letting go of my power axe
>He looks back at me, but this time I notice something behind him
>Is that a Daemonette?

>Be another Ork Biker in the Squig stampede.
>Tried to chuck tankbusta at one of da humies supa bigs tanks wit all da big Dakka. Bomb goes inta one open hatch an out da other side.
>Wot da zog?
>Bomb hits smalla tank on other side.
>be daemonette
>slanesh wanted me to corrupt some commissar who is stoned out of his gourd
>not hard to miss the smoking tank blaring music
>warp onto the tank and try to figure out how to open it
>gork’s ugly children making it kinda hard tho

>Be Ork Nob Silva

>Wot da zog just happened?
>Turns out, dat humie in da tank wuz actually a pretty good fighta.
>Carved a nice groove inta me chest, shot up me right arm, an blew off half me face.

>Though e' did mess up me bike, which iz just down right rude. Ya don't mess wit a gitz bike, not until ya kill em anyway. Ya can steals it whenever though, cuz dats just good fun.
>But da thing dat really grinds mah scrap is dat force field e's got. Dats just cheatin' dat is!
>But dats ok too, cuz I gotz sum fair play fer em.

>I reach inta my emergensee pouch wit my good hand.
> "POCKET SAND!" (Is actually a big handful of sandstone pebbles and regular sand, the orks don't really know the difference.)
>I chucks da sand good an hard inta his face ta distract em. Cracks through the gitz goggles and gets inta all da uncomfertable places.

>I almost wants tah take a swing at em but dat force field would probably stopz me again, so i turns away fer a taktikal retreat.
>Sees some wyrd lookin pink skin up on a tank. Looks kinda spiky. Deal wit dat laters.
>Grab onta one of da bigger squigs just standin around like a shroom on a log. Punch it in da face tah let it know whoe's in charge before mounting up feral style an givin it a good kick. Ride back tah Boom!stone and get me some metal bits. Be back fer shield boy laterz.
>>be in Charge Americus 10th Mechanized
>get shot on the way to kitchen
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>hear something warpy on the top of the baneblade
>hear strange whispers in my mind talking about warp dust and other heretical shit
>tell bill to start drifting the tank and do spins and shit
>run over some of korn's men
>tom fires the gun taking out a possible elder ship
>open the next baggie
>emperor provides and protects and all
>Be Corporal Leslie, Tertiary Loader, Commissariat Baneblade
>Pot fumes are getting too thick to see anything
>Ignore Macknamera's orders and pop open a hatch
>Some weirdo with too many breasts is riding the back of the tank
>Not sure if hallucinating or not
Uh, hi?
>Close hatch and go back to squinting at the controls of the side sponsons
>Fricking smoke is so thick I can't even see the screen a foot from my face
>Music is pretty kick-ass though...
>be daemonette
>man pops his head out at me and says hi
>knock on the hatch and offer warp dust...
>music is nice, but not exactly my favorite
>nearly throws me off with tight turns...
>and get smacked in the face with a blown off arm...
>and get covered in entrails
>snort myself some warp dust to help with the smack
>now how to turn the commissar?
>Be Corporal Leslie, Tertiary Loader, Commissariat Baneblade
>Someone is at the door with a delivery of warp dust or something like that
>Sounds awesome, but don't have money for tips
Whoever ordered warp dust, answer the fricking door!
You arseholes aren't tricking me into paying for your shite again!
>Is it normal for someone to make a delivery to a baneblade in the middle of a battle?
>I have seen stranger things in this company
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>look at Corporal Leslie
Nobody should be ordering warp dust you fool, that is what gets us in trouble...Corporal Leslie, hand me your melta gun please, I'm going to handle the visitor we have.
>cracks the window a bit so we can see, knowing that the orks dont have a bomb that small
>cracks the hatch a bit
Miss, can you bring your head here?
>Be Tempestor Prime Eskur
>Holy shit that’s a lot of orks
>bikers now
>plucky guardsmen leader bested an important ork in a duel
>daemonette on the commissar’s baneblade
>Melta popping out of the baneblade hatch
>we’ve thinned our most of the squigs
>order all Scions to mount up and depart from the convoy
>call into HQ
>inform them to send our attached squadron of Valkyries to meet us at the ork camp
>Taurox Primes will strike from the south, Valkyries will strafe from the back
>Battle cannons and Krak mussels start the light show
>ruddy ork buildings and contraptions are blown to pieces
>Valkyries strafe with rocket pods and heavy bolters
>Valk engage hover mode and fire Lascannons at the bigger mechs

>feel some funky shaking from the ground
>not just an earthquake
>have the auspex checked
“Tempestor Prime, you will want to see this”
>I don’t need to see it
>duck me.vox
>Be Warboss Hitrock
>Been organizing da boyz while Silva was off distractin wit da squig herds. Probably gots a whole lot of dem humies riled up now an on der way. Good. Saves us da trouble of hauling all da good Dakka across da desert.
>One of da boyz tell me Silva came back wit some bits missin. HA! Good ta know da humies put up a fight. Tell da closest Mek boy ta fix em up.
>Already hear da humie dakka goin off. Dats good. We'z got a nice Boom!stone welcome fer em.

>I look about at all da Tankz, Wagonz, Bombaz, an Boyz ready tah give em what fer. Even da Squiggoths is lookin extra fighty.
>All da warcamp gunz is going off now. Such a lovely Orkhestra o' Dakka. Let da pink gitz come.
>Be Eldar 'Wench'

>How in Isha's name did we end up here? I think we might have suppressed the memory.
>Where did these stupid green brutes even get dresses in our size? The idiots continue to perplex and frustrate us.
>The only blessing we've had is that they haven't woken up the Necron Tomb buried beneath this blasted desert. Well, that and the oasis.

>Wait a second... is that more gunfire than usual? Oh great, the stupid Mon-Keigh are here.
>We might need to vacate sooner than expected...
Sorry for not posting recently, apparently I got banned (for 48hr) for calling a Chinese guy (who was spread propaganda and calling Americans various racial slurs) a ch**k. This happened on /k/ btw

A comment I made weeks ago, so obviously some busy body soi boy reported me to the Jannies
>Colonel Commissar Felix
>be in HQ when I get word that reinforcements have finally arrived
>it’s an armored regiment too
>also get word from the scions that they found a ship wreck with survivors, that good to know
>soon enough the fortifications of my HQ are finished, complete with bunks, trenches and walls
> I decide to call it Fort Dauntless
> just when I finish naming the damned thing, I get a vox call saying that our back up has came into contact with a large ork force
>I decide to mobilize my forces and assist in the battle
>also make sure to leave some men at the fort to guard it
>half way to the battle I get a bother vox call
>chaos forces have arrived
>this battle just gets bigger and bigger
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>melta gun the warp dust saleswoman
>wayyyyy to many tits to be honest but whatever
>sees some more reinforcements
>good, more help for us
>order the gunner to take aim at the Orks and to fire
>hand back the melta gun
>its good to be commissar
>Be me, Imperial storm trooper Greger von Rosen
>Ow fuck, my eyes!
>Remove my power shades and wipe the sand out of my eyes for about a minute, blink a couple times, get myself to cry a little to remove some of the sand, y'know, the standard proceedure
>Now I've got sand in my armour
>Eh, at least its sterile, means that I've technically gotten a shower
>I mean, I fucking hate sand, but I guess it could be worse
>Gotta get my power shades repaired again, damnit
>Approach tech-priest, throw him my shades and get to killing the remaining Squigs
>They seem mostly thinned out and look like they're moving away from us
>Giant piles of dead Squigs all around, several Ork vehicles rendered to scrap
>Chimera took some damage, it's still operational but now it has an open top
>Other Scions just up and leave, one of them offers me to come with them
>Fuck that
>Tell him that I'd rather be here with my brothers-in-arms
>Thank him for the Lho-stub and get back to my dudes
>Tauros' are still operational, we lost a few bikers though
>The men have had enough experience with fighting orks that they managed to get out mostly unscathed
>Sergeant seemed to have adjusted well to his new bionic arm, he's standing on top of the Chimera holding a heavy stubber and fucking destroying an Ork
>He already had a Bionic eye, he looks like a proper veteran Sergeant now
>Approach him and ask him what we're gonna do
>"We haven't come across this much scrap in months Greger, I say we should treat this as Sanguinala!"
>He immediately orders the Tech-priest to get to work constructing a wagon attachment to the Chimera out of Orc vehicle scrap
>We picked up a bunch of equipment over the past five years, mortars, heavy bolters, plasma guns, you name it, we've stolen it
>Our last wagon broke down and we had to store most of our equipment in the chimera
>Sergeant wants a mortar emplacement on the Wagon and for the Lascannon we picked up a while ago to get a tripod mount on top of the turret
>Tauros' and Chimera are gonna get some extra bulk added on to them and the open top is gonna get modified so that you don't accidentally stab yourself to death when peaking out
>I'm pretty sure the Techpriest and his guardsman acolytes are just sick and tired of repairing the roof though
>Watch the Techpriest and his acolytes get to work with great efficiency
>Have a feeling he might get executed for tech heresy later down the line if we're ever found out but, fuck, I don't think repairing a vehicle counts as tech-heresy
>Decide to go for a drive on one of the bikes
>Give venator driver my Lho-stub, put on my helmet, and ride off into the desert to scout the area around us
>Not 50 minutes later do I see several chaos space marines trudging through the desert on foot
>Oh come on!
>Turn my around bike and ride back toward the convoy
>Yell at the sergeant that I've spotted a bunch of chaos space marines approaching from the south west
>Watch the others grab plasma guns, meltas, autocannons, grenade launchers, anything that has ammo and works really
>Tauros' and Chimera form a defencive line toward the south west
>I suppose I get to add a chaos space marine to the list of things I've killed
>I hope I have some Krak grenades left
>Be Tempestor Prime Eskur
>Initial assault on main ork encampment is going well
>orks have faced terrible damage on the outskirts and middle sections of town
>orks are consolidating (for as much as you could say orks can consolidate) in the middle of the encampment
>Orks are amassing their heavy armor and flyers are taking to the air
>Valkyries squadron dogfight with the flyers
>we’ve put those Aeronautica men through worse aerial engagements
>ork aim is shit, but the extreme speed and mobility of our Taurox Primes keep us safe, circling around the camp
>Scion squads are cycling through, taking turn shooting from the fire points while hot-shot volley guns, stormbolters, and Gatling cannons tear through green skins
>Autocannons, battlecannons, and krak missiles are reducing armor to slag
>meanwhile, I’m listening to vox chatter
>Heretic Astartes have landed
>See a few ork squiggoths
>tell Scion Beller in the driver seat that we are taking that down
>get Tempestor Kazmirov to get the heaviest hook on our tow cable
>we get close to the closest squiggoth’s front left leg
3.. 2.. 1.. FIRE
>Tow cable digs into the beast’s leg and holds firm
“Scion Beller, circle it’s legs and pull it tight, or I will personally strike a black mark on your record!”
>He probably almost shit his pants
>we circle around it, taking fire and running over grots while avoiding the stamping feet
>our black and grey paint job is probably all red now, thank the Emperor for the bully bar
>the cable pulls tight. We release it
>it’s knees buckle and the squiggoth falls forward, crushing a mob of ork boys
>Be Corporal Leslie, Tertiary Loader, Commissariat Baneblade
>Great, now the tank smells like barbequed skank
>Don't ask me why I know the difference between barbequed skank and other types of roasting flesh, I just do
>Welcome to the Imperial Guard
>Safely stow the meltagun then return to sponson weapon controls
>Pot smoke has finally cleared enough to see the screen
>Shoot some big ork in the groin
>Start giggling like an idiot
>I am soooooo f**king high right now
>Whose idea was it to hotbox the tank again?
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>nailed a money shot on a orc
>sees a chaos marine in the distance
>bitch wat?
>sees more orcs
>drive me closer, I want to hit them with my sword
>cracks open another bag
>order all tanks to attack
>be tau drone
>scout out this place to find some Unenlightened fools fighting
>send a beacon to the nearest fleet
>for the greater good
>Be other eldar wench
>Step in squig shit for the fourth time today
>Is there no end to this shame?
>Decide can't handle this sober anymore
>Try taking a sip of the fungus beer
>Tastes like fermented urine mixed with mold
>Spend the next 10 minutes dry heaving behind the counter
>Luckily everyone is too busy getting ready for the fight to notice
>Be other eldar wench
>Everyone has left to participate in some big fight
>Time to clean up this dump
>I could try running away, but don't feel like dying out in the desert
>Start scrubbing down a table with a wet cloth
>A Tau Pathfinder shows up and demands something in that gurgly language they speak
>Toss the wet cloth at him to show my displeasure
>He gets knocked down like he just got hit by a jetbike
>Forgot how weak those things were
>Decide to slip out the backdoor in case his buddies think I tried to attack them
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>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>have to go to the bathroom
>order crew to pull behind a hill and to cover me
>is that a fuckin eldar?
>mfw i think i can get some more weed
>apparently we worked with the tau for some reason
>so why not?
>walk up to some eldar fag dry heaving
>ask if they got any weed
>Be eldar wench #2
>Mon-keigh shows up with a big hat
>From what little I can remember learning about mon-keigh culture, big hats mean they are important, something about genital size apparently
>I swear to Isha they are almost as bad as the orks
>Big Hat Mon-keigh asks something about "weed"
>Literal translation for "weed" is unwanted or invasive plant
>Not sure how that is relevant in this context
>Maybe he wants something orkoid since they are technically plants
>Offer him piece of squig steak
>be Colonel Commissar Felix
>as we charge into the fight I decide to stand on the roof of my Command Chimera’s roof like a bad ass
>I also say to my men:
Charge, you pig fuckers!
>my driver drives us into a group of Orks
>as we run a few over, a group of them think it would be a good idea to board my Chimera
>fucking melt a few with my plasma pistol
> the one that actually gets into melee with me I simply cleave in half with my power sword
>I also tell my vox operator to figure out where the armored regiment’s commander is
>right after I tell him that, the Chimera runs over a weird floating thing that looks like a frisbee
>Be Third Eldar Wench
>This fungus beer is really good
>Don't miss that stupid floating rock I called home
>Orks occasionally toss coins at me and I chug this whole tankard
>Got green warpaint put on me at some point
>Life is good
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>Be Private Billy, Americus 10th Mechanized
>Switched spots with Cory so now he is the driver and I am the gunner on the Tauros
>Cory uses the Tauros' speed to pull to the front of the wave of vehicles charging the orks
>Our CO is riding his Chimera like a boss, cutting down orks as they try to clamber aboard his vehicle
>Mow down orks left right and centre with the Tauros' custom mounted Punisher Gatling Cannon
>Maximum erection achieved
>Yell out Regiment's unofficial war cry
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>look at the steak provided by the eldar
>shakes head and pulls out a joint
>asks if they have this
>pull out a baggie of the good stuff as more evidence
>actually why not?
>offers a joint
>just hope the arbites arnt around...
>last time didn’t go so well
>Be me, Senior Sister Christabel Bathory of the Order of the Obsidian Rosary, Seraphim Squad
>On orders to provide fast-attack support for the IG currently on maneuvers in the desert regions of Arazonia Secundus.
>Auspex data shows orks and eldar; Xenos filth.
>let's soften them up with a salvo from the exorcist, then begin the burninate.
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>Be eldar wench #2
>So that is "weed"
>Smells terrible
>Probably healthier than anything I have eaten since I was taken captive by orks though
>Big Hat Mon-keigh gives me a portion wrapped up in some sort of paper
>Pop it in my mouth, chew, and swallow
>It tastes as bad as I thought it would
>No point in alienating a potentially valuable ally though
Much gratitude mon-keigh
Be warned, orks and t'au are about
I am called Tu'Nara
>Be Corporal Leslie, Tertiary Loader, Commissariat Baneblade
>Decide also really need to take a piss
>Also really have the munchies
>Jog into building after the Commissar
>Step over an unconscious or dead tau on the way in
>The 'Sar is trying to talk to some eldar chick in a low cut dress while some other eldar chick, painted green for some reason, pours herself a big tankard of beer from behind the counter
>WTF?!? When did the tau and the eldar show up on the planet?
>The eldar chick eats the joint the Commissar offered her
>Burst out laughing uncontrollably
Sorry guys, I am like rrrreeeeeeeaaallly, really, really, rreeeeeeeeaaaaaallllly, reeeeeeealy, high right now
>Push open a set of doors to what I hope is the bathroom
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>I might be one of the most high people on this damn planet but I can see that ship lined with purity seals
>realize the situation for what it is
>mfw my men and I have over 10 kg of weed in our baneblade
>mfw I could be seen as fraternizing with dirty xenos scum
>mfw this is bolter bitches we are talking about, they would kill me for being 5’ 9”
>quickly explain the concept of a joint to my new eldar friend as I grab her wrist and lead her to the tank
>give her my hat to hide her ears
>still kinda obvious but it will do for now
>toss her in and tell the crew to drive and that our new guest is a hitchhiker in distress
>Be Corporal Leslie, Tertiary Loader, Commissariat Baneblade
>It turns out the room wasn't a bathroom, though it is now
>Hear the tank start up and start driving away
>Did they really forgot I was outside still?
>Manage to run after the tank and climb in via the same (still open) hatch that I used to leave the tank
Anyone ever tell you guy that you all suck?
>Grab an already lit joint from the Tertiary Gunner to calm myself down
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>point to the eminently approaching bolter bitch ship
Do you not see that? They are worse than the arbites.
>starts to hide my weed and fan my smoke out of the tank
>wrap a scarf around our new passenger
This is ummm...
>need to think of a name...
...what was it?
>hear those crazy bitches shooting at the orks
>put some sunglasses on her as well
Hey Leslie, they can’t get in the trunk compartment right?
>Be Corporal Leslie, Tertiary Loader, Commissariat Baneblade
>For some reason the Commissar has decided to smuggle one of the eldar into the baneblade
>Probably just want a piece of th.........hey, who am I to judge
>See him struggling to think of a cover story for the eldar
>He asks me to check the trunk compartment
>Not sure which "they" he is referring to, but go check anyways
>Decide to be a bro and throw him a bone as I head to the back of the tank
I think she said her name was Tamara
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
Just hurry guardsman, because the sisters of battle are here.
>starts stuffing my weed in my seat compartment and fanning out the smoke
>wrap the scarf around Tamara’s face
That would work I think
>be Colonel Commissar Felix
>order my regiment to slow and allow our men to disembark from their transports
> I hop of my Chimera and engage a ork nob is melee combat
>the nob swings at me
>I duck and proceed to cleave off its right arm
>the nob swings at me with the crude axe in its left
> I parry with my power sword
> I then proceed slash the nob’s torso, staggering it and leaving me a perfect opening to decapitate it
>immediately after I slay the nob hear a roaring sound
>the sound of a drop ship, multiple drops ships
> I look to the sky
> it is indeed a large group of drop ships
>all bearing the heraldry of the Sisters of Battle
> I hit my com-bead a vox to my men
The Sisters of Battle are here! The battle drifts further in our favor! FOR THE EMPEROR!
>also have my Command Squads vox operator direct the Sisters to land at Fort Dauntless so the can land as many of their forces quickly as possible
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>Be me, Senior Sister Christabel Bathory of the Order of the Obsidian Rosary, Seraphim Squad
>IG are flooding the vox with all sorts of incomprehensible babbling
>"Sorry guys, I am like rrrreeeeeeeaaallly, really, really, rreeeeeeeeaaaaaallllly, reeeeeeealy, high right now" over the cox
>what sort of situation are we dropping into?
>Ork nobs are facing off against the IG
>smoke is drifting from one of the baneblade hatches
>some commisar is bleating over the vox to disposition at Fort Dauntless
>order my squad to jetpack to the smoking baneblade
>we'll start the purification there
>try and rescue the crew while we're at it
>"hehehehehehe HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" over the vox
>"hide the shit! Hide the shit! Quick! You- soldier! Act sober, dammit!"
>....what... is going on?
>whip out my inferno pistols as I touch down on the baneblade and begin the purgation with several of the Ork nobs
>yell into the baneblade
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>be me
>sitting on my golden throne
>my sons have irrevocably fucked every plan I made
>humanity has irrevocably fucked the empire I built for them
>I have nothing better to do but push orkz around the galaxy to destroy forces of chaos
>Malcador was right
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>they are here
>stick my head out
Yes ma’m Just some difficulty with the baneblade, that’s And Leslie had to stop for the bathroom.
>playing it cool
>thank them for their timely arrival
>please don’t inspect the tank
>ask them how their day is going
>internally screaming right now
>knew a commissar who was shot for sneezing at a rally by these crazy bitches
>Be me, Imperial storm trooper and axeman Greger von Rosen
>We had enough time to prepare that we managed to set up the half-completed wagon as a barricade
>Firing line is set, everyone's just waiting to fight chaos space marines
>Mortars are loaded, plasma guns have ice packs strapped to them (we found some thermal bags a while ago) and everyone has taken at least three hits off the Lho-stub
>We've been here together for more than five years, it's not gay
>A little dust storm has kicked up in front of us
>All is quiet...
>Slowly move to the Venator and climb up to the gunners seat manned by one of the other men
>Put both of my hands up to my mouth and yell,
>Still no chaos space marines visible
>The sandstorm starts dissipating
>Suddenly, I see something large, red and horned in the distance
>Watch Craigus zero in on him
>All of a sudden, the red figure stops and turns to the their west
>We can now see, I dunno, 75 chaos space marines? hard to tell
>Suddenly see shimmering blue lights flying through the air, watch the chaos space marines charging toward... nothing
>Wait a minute... I recognize that shimmering!
>It's as if the powers that be just want to fuck with us today
>Hear one of the guardsmen mutter, "...Fuck this."
>"Yeah, fuck this." I hear the youngest one of our number repeat
>"Yeah, yeah! fuck this, man!" I hear the corporal say
>Watch sergeant walk up to each one of them and slap them on the back of the head
>"What the hell do you wanna do then huh? Just leave and let these traitor bastards kill all of our comrades!?"
>"Well of course not sarge but-"
>As the three of them talk, feel Craigus tap me on the shoulder
>"Hey von Rosen, get a good look at that"
>Points at what looks to be a thunderhawk covered in purity seals
>"By the Adamantium balls of Ollanius Pious... Sisters of battle!"
>Point at the thunderhawk flying overhead and yell to the rest of the platoon to check it out
>Get off the Venator and rush to my bike
>"Where're you going von Rosen?"
>"To pick up some chicks, I'll be back."
>Remove helmet briefly and kiss the bike gently to get its machine spirit all flustered
>But on my helmet again and take off through the desert at 300 kmph
>Show to the Ork camp not a minute later
>Perform a sick power slide past a couple orks as I slow down
>End up next to a Thunderhawk and a couple tanks
>Sisters stare at me, mainly at my Rosarius
>Point back towards my bros position
>Explain my situation, emphasise the fact that there are up to maybe 100 CSM near my allies fighting xenos
>Give them the exact coordinates they need to get to and watch about three squads worth of sisters pile back into their thunderhawk
>Before speeding back to my bros, I see three squads of Seraphims on and around the Weed commissars baneblade
>Come to think of it, I haven't seen sisters of battle since Seprius prime!
>Recognize one of the sisters superior
>Holy shit is that...?
>Ride up to one of the sisters superior blowing an Ork nob's head to bits
>Remove my helmet
>"Hey, long time no see, sister Auguste!"
>The sister superior at first points her bolt pistol instinctively at my forehead before turning and raising an eyebrow
>"Greger? What are you doing here?"
>Pat her on the shoulder reassuringly as she lowers her bolt pistol
>"It's a long story, I can explain it later if we survive,"
>Pause and put on my helmet again
>"If memory serves, you still owe me for saving you from that Dark Eldaress don't you?"
>She gets a bit visibly flustered and says in a hushed tone, "I thought we both agreed to forget about the last part!"
>"Oh yeah, sorry."
>She sighs, apparently she heard me mentioning the fuckton of angry Khornates nearby
>"Will you forget about it if I help you?"
>Turn the bike around and begin riding off with Seraphim squad in toe
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>ok...well there are still crazed bolter bitches here
>gesture in the general vicinity to the base
We actually need to stock up on fuel and munitions
>one of the responds that yes we do after a kick to the shin
We will be back though when we get restocked.
>I genuinely plan to, just after we get our new eldar friend safe
>duck back in and order us back to base
>load my bolt pistol just in case
>and this time make sure everyone is in and the hatch is shut
>be me
>new daemonette
>on the plus side, there are more souls to corrupt
>forgot the protocol for sisters of battle
>whisper promises of pleasures never felt before in the ear of the Seraphim
>that should work
>Be Tempestor Prime Eskur
>So far we’ve tripped three squiggoths. This has only cost us a crumpled hood on a Taurox Prime, minor injuries only
>Making sure all pict-recordings are safely stored, so we may not only add to the anti-ork tactica doctrinas of various Scholas, but so we can also look absolutely fucking rad on the holovid news
>Commissarial Baneblade has been stopping and starting up again
>Silly machine spirits must be at it again
>Sisters of Battle are reinforcing us from the sky
>Valkyries have taken down most of the ork flyers
>check the auspex and vox chatter
>Chaos Space Marines and Tau
>Order the Valks and my platoon to disengage, we don’t need to get stuck in here
>more important targets need numerous amounts of sniper-precision openingofnewanuses about their bodies
>Have the Valk squadron run discriminate strafing runs on the traitors and the bluies
>drive around the edge of the battle, pumping lead and hot-shot las rounds into anyone that wanders too far
>one of the Heretic Astartes jumps on my Taurox’s hood
>pop the cupola, raise the pneumatic seat at dangerous speed and punch the big fucker off with my power fist
>Be Colonel Commissar Felix
>be fighting along side my men
>we are able to make a advance through a formation of ork boyz
>we take some casualties, but they could be much worse and the men’s morale is steady
>Me and my Command Squad just finish clearing out a old ranch
>The house is old but still structurally sound, and it has a good view of the current battle field
>I make the tactical decision to establish a out post so I can better direct my forces, manage support units and request air support
>as we finish setting up a larger vox unit to extend out communications range, it get word from the Navy that they are currently engaged in naval combat with the Tau
>the fucking Tau are here now
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>Be me, Senior Sister Christabel Bathory of the Order of the Obsidian Rosary, Seraphim Squad
>my squad is firmly attached to the commisariat baneblade
>what the fuck is that smell? It's not burning promethium.
>the commissar mumbles something I can't hear over the sound of burning heretics
>closes the hatch
>what a dick. He should be burned for heresy.
>more important things to do right now, though.
>oh shit, better burn that, too.
>inferno pistols are getting pretty hot
>doesn't matter; keep setting things on fire. It's the only way to be sure.
>vox chatter is all over the place
>Chaos Space Marines and Tau
>that doesn't make any fucking sense.
>kick the hatch of the baneblade with my boot.
>Commissar peeks out
>Just then baneblade shimmys
>zigs instead of zags
>accidentally drop glowing-hot inferno pistol into baneblade interior
>worse, I've fallen and my ass is stuck in the hatch.
>power armor is squealing
>can't jetpack without toasting the crew of the baneblade
>wait, where the fuck is Sister Auguste?
>dammit I'm fucking stuuuuuuck
>hope that my inferno pistol doesn't blow up
>...actually, that might free my ass from the hatch.
>nonono, fortheemperor.holy
>hear giggling coming from the interior of the baneblade
>I swear by the Holy God-Emperor's Golden Throne that I will purge whoever laughed at me.
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
> The bolter bitch’s ass is stuck in my baneblade
>the loader chuckles and points to the “No girls allowed” sign he hung up
>I thought I told you to get rid of that sign
>realize she can’t get out
>grab the vox unit and get into direct coms with sister Christabel
Can we try to push you out sister?
>concerned because I don’t want her to find the eldar or the weed
>roll up my sleeves and get ready
>but not touching her ass yet
>Be me
>Tempestor Prime Eskur
>listening in on vox chatter
>a Sister of Battle has her ass stuck in the cupola of the Commissar’s Baneblade
>those high-fuckers have Sister powered-armor ass hanging from the ceiling
>Be Corporal Leslie, Tertiary Loader, Commissariat Baneblade
>Check that the hatches at the back of the baneblade are locked
>I heard that, dick
>Fast forward 10 minutes...apparently a bunch of Sisters have decided to hitch a ride on the Baneblade as it drives back to base
>Bad news since the 'Sar has decided to smuggle an eldar in the tank for some reason
>Also, we had to hide all the pot and vent all the weed smoke out of the tank
>Fast forward another 10 minutes...Riding in tank turret opposed to my usual spot on the main deck
>Mack sent the Primary Gunner to the bunks to take a nap, probably since he is the most likely to say something stupid around the Sisters
>I guess that makes me the least stupid crewmember then, otherwise he would have ordered someone more experienced to man the main gun
>Stupid bolter bitch drops her inferno gun into the tank, I almost grab it before I realize how hot it is
>The sister falls backwards and almost smacks Mack in the face with her ass
>Apparently she stuck
>Jim the Loader is giggling like an idiot and taps his "no girls" sign
>Fuck you too, Jim
>I hope she doesn't know what weed smells like, the inside of the tank still reeks
>Be Private Billy, Americus 10th Mechanized
>Out on another scouting mission
>Apparently some of those blue commie scumbags are in the area
>Release psyber-eagle scout to hunt them down
>It spots a couple of Pathfinders poking around on the other side of a ride
>Tell Cory roughly where they are
>He accelerates the Tauros to full speed, flying over the crest of the ridge, and landing on some of the Pathfinders
>He manages to impale/sodomize one with the Big-Horned Grox skull bolted to the front of the Tauros
>Use Gatling Cannon to finish off the rest
>Notice one survivor running away
>It is not wearing a helmet
>Order psyber-eagle to claw its eyes out
>Watch as the blind Pathfinder falls off a cliff to its death
>Hack up a ball of phlegm
>That was a better fate then you deserved you commie bastard
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>Be me, Senior Sister Christabel Bathory of the Order of the Obsidian Rosary, Seraphim Squad
>currently stuck in a very ...undignified position
>everything seems fuzzy and sort of difficult to focus on
>the smoke must be getting to me
>where IS that smell coming from
>oh right. The baneblade
>I don't know why that's funny.
>a voice hails on the vox
>"Can we try to push you out sister?"
>actually... if I move my leg, I just might be able to lever my ass out of this tank.
>hee... that was kinda funny.
>No! no it's not! It's NOT funny! There are heretics to burninate!
>game face here.
>Yeah, if I move my leg I should be able to
>sink even further into the baneblade
>knees are tickling my collarbones
>I have no idea what's going on anymore.
>that wasn't funny at all! Keep the laughter inside. Save it for the abbey. War face!
>Be Eldar Wench Tu'Nara, AKA Tamara
>Wearing the Big-Hat Mon-Keigh's Big-Hat, plus some sort of face wrap and darkened eye coverings
>Apparently only the Big-Hat Mon-Keigh and his comrade are allowed to know what I am
>My craftworld was fairly friendly with neighbouring mon-keigh, but perhaps some of the mon-keigh in this area are as xenophobic as most of their foul race
>The various mon-keigh in big moving tank seem very fixated on my chest area
>At least they have that in common with males of the eldar race
>There is some sort of commotion in the upper turret where the Big-Hat Mon-Keigh spends his time
>A female has inserted her rear end into the top hatch of the tank
>Some sort of strange mon-keigh mating ritual perhaps?
>One would think that she would remove her primitive bulky armour first in that case
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>ah fuck me, she went down further
>she starts giggling
>start to push her out
>Christ this armor is heavy
>she isn’t budging
>how the hell do you do this?
>see smoke rising from the floor
>her Plasma Pistol Just lit one of the spilled bags of weed on the floor
>safely vent the gun
>ask over the vox if the sister has any hand lotion or something like that
>she is obviously starting to get a buzz from the weed
>glad she wasn’t here when we started
>loader starts to ask if he can play his “hardbase”
>he says it got cleared by the ordos hereticus
>the fact he went to get it signed and notarized is mildly worrying
>but say why not, could be fitting for our situation
is this a quest thread?
nah, it is some weird form of storytelling

you can post whatever you want, but it is more fun if you try to weave whatever story you are telling into what other people are posting
>Be Colonel Commissar Felix
>be in my new out post directing my forces
>see the Tau approaching
>fucking weeabo commies
>call in some air support from the fleet
>napalm the Tau
>turn to my Vox op and say
i love the smell of blue bacon in the desert sun
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera|
>you gotta be shitting me
>the tau are here
>probably want to convert us
>desperately try to push/pull the sister in
>just so we can close the tank
>some how she starts to move
>get on the vox
>tell Felix that we got a sister of battle stuck in our tank
>heading back to base to get her unstuck
>emperor protect us
>be me
>krieger Hans
>i've been out of battle for almost one week my shovel has been sharpened to the point of perfection but not as perfect as the emperor
>the commissar tells us that we are coming as infantry support to some desert planet to fight some blue commies
>sand is not as good to dig trenches in as dirt but i will bare it for now
>i can't fucking wait to fight for the fuhrer
>Be me
>Tempestor Prime Eskur
>The Heretic Astartes didn’t brink much for armor and are being gunned down by the fish commies
>Ork shooting was shit, so we didn’t have a problem, but bluies actually can point their rifles to a similar degree as guardsmen
>My Taurox Primes now have some burn marks and blast damage,
>no serious damage, save the crumpled hood on one from when we were taking down squiggoths
>Commies have some kind of skimmers chasing us now
>order the Taurox Primes to fall in with the Baneblade, ask for helping getting the fish off our backs
>be krieger Hans
>get deployed on the planet with my platoon
>go to some field outpost
>our Lieutenant goes in to talk with some Colonel Commissar
>we wait outside for orders
>be big mek hittum
>spent my 4 year life collecting scrap
>amass an army of grots
>dey get scrap too
>today's the day
>finish bolting on my flash custom 'ardpantz
>2 extra mags of snotties for me shokka
>stompas ready boss!
>I know ya git, I built it
>sound my grot call
>fire up the engines
>time to go squad break some umies
>be grot
>big mek comes 'round and throws me into a gang with a buncha other grots
>we'z pilotin' a stompa? waaagh!
>get on the move
>crushin' everythin' in our way
>I think we'z might be da biggest now
>look out of stompa down at humie's ahead
>look down at big mek boss
>he look so tiny from up here
>I's think I's got an idea...
>see one o them big humie tanks on the horizon
>one of the grots calls it a beyblade, snicker at him, administer light krumping
>climb up to the stompa eyes, start charging me big fuck off Lazar
>mork better bless me for this
>he hair squig is standing on end
>blew his track off and fused his sponsons
>supa gatler is screaming now
>gits cant hit shit
>dats why I put the klaw on
>charge the git, engines roaring
>throw in grots for giggles and morale
>shoulda painted the stompa red
>oh fuck
>the green skins are here
>and charging the tank
>hit the big red button
>machine spirit roars to life and speeds down to trail
>can see the base now
>get on the vox
>try to pull the sister down
>that seems to work better than pushing
>stoopid humies
>trying to drive with no track
>laugh as they spin in circles
>like a squighound wif 1 leg
>see legs kicking from an after hatch
>they're trying to pull in one of the burny girls
>decide to leave me stompa
>wanna use me new killsaw
>I can load meself into me shokk attack gun
>leave orders to go trump umie base
>bolt the shokka to the neck of the stompa
>pray to gork
>i'z a warp cowbo
>screaming in the warp
>gits with big teef attacking from all sides
>take a few, iz gonna be rich enough for a gargant
>red planet up ahead
>plowing through its atmosphere
>almost melted me fucking ardpants
>krump at the air to teach it a lesson
>probably gonna need bioniks
>deres boys down dere
>one snips a big red goat in the toadstools with a power klaw
>waves at me
>further into the nether
>krumpin away like a champ at fuckin ethereal goonz
>pop back into reality
>da tank is 50 yards away
>waagh, mr bond. Waaagh.
>I'm gonna krump them legs
>be me krieger Hans
>be dicking around the outpost with my squad boys
>see an imperial tank in the distace speeding towards us cant make out if it is chaos or ours
>few moments pass and we see some giant fucking ork thing behind it
wasexpectingtaubutok.krak grenade
>now we knowit is an imperial tank
>stard digging trenches and setting up heavy bolters las cannons and the other AT crap we could find
>i doubt it will stop the ork thing but who even cares at this point
>get some krak grenades and prepare to fight some greenskin scum
>Be Colonel Commissar Felix
>be in field out post directing my forces
>get word from Commissar Macknamera that is falling back to Fort Dauntless to get a sister unstuck from the commanders hatch
>what ever
>take temporary command of his Armored Regiment until he gets back
>also get word that a Krieg regiment had also just arrived
>good, we could use the reinforcements
>and their tenacity will come in handy
>some Krieg officer comes by the OP and asks for orders
> direct him to direct his men to the flank that’s being beset by Tau
>be me krieger Hans
>we finally set up our stuff on preperation for the ork thing coming towards us
>Lieutant comes and right after we finished with the work he sends us to fight the tau
>im fucking pissed but orders are orders
>fix our bayonets and march double time to the place lieutant told us to go
>we leave a few squads to keep guard and see where the ork thing goes
>we keep in touch by our funkersoldaten i mean radio operators
>as were marching i whip out my tactical binoculars to have a better look at the tank
>see some sister of battle stuck in the tank hatch
>i think the sun is getting to me
>da burny girls legs are much closa
>I can see the humie empra panties she has on
>killsaw is on full brrrrrrrrrrr
>see hands trying to pull her in
>not on dis planit
>bisect her
>now it's much easier to pull her in
>start chukkin stikkbomms down da hole
>see humie melty gun near smoking hole
>10 pound sack of humie smoking fungus too
>thank you Mork, ya git
>take em and look around
>the fucking stompa is running towards a blue panzee dakkasuit
>fucking grots
>can hear moaning in the tank
>not enough time for squad broken
>I gotta go get my shokk attack gun
>fucking grots
>be me krieger Hans
>see some orke pull the sister of battle out and whip out a bag of weed
>lucky guy
>Be Tempestor Prime Eskur
>the Banebalde is being assaulted, Tau can wait
“Taurox Primes A through D! Shield formation on the Baneblade! We’re killing that green skin!
>Hop out of my Taurox Prime with my command squad and a Scion squad
>Between us we have:
My powerfist
My plasma pistol
Two Plasma Guns
Two Grenade Launchers
Two Hot-shot volley guns
Six hot-shot rifles
A medic
A Clarion Vox-Caster
The Tempestor’s power sword and bolt pistol
>Ork boss cuts the sister’s hands and feet and she falls into the tank
>see explosives tossed in the hole and then out the window on the side
>clamp on with our magboots and run up to the green fucker
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>ah shit
>now holding half of a sister of battle
>legs are in the cup holder
>chuck the grenade back out of the tank
>realize that that green skin just stole my weed
>push sister's insides mostly back in
>base is in sight
>Commissar uniform officially ruined
>order Leslie to grab her legs and help me get the sister back alive
>grenade goes off outside of tank
>order everyone out and to provide us cover fire
>give Tamara my gun
>tell her to stick close to us
>we all disembark unmolested and we sprint to the base, covered in blood and whatever else sisters of battle have in them
>if she dies, the cannoness will have my head
>humie squads attacking
>time to get the hell outta there
>keep sprinting towards the stompa
>activate KFF
>blaze a few orky blunts for smoke cover and a -2 to hit rolls
>Trip and fall in a depression in the sand
>start surveying the scene with my orknoculars
>my left hand ain't working right
>I dont have a left hand
>right, the stikkbomm that flew back out
>Jam the meltygun in the stump
>good enough
>stomps is smoking
>mork them blue panzees got dakka
>be me
>krieger hans
>still marching and looking trough my binoculars
>se the sister of battle cranage
>our lieutant sends my squad to reclaim that tank after i told him what was happening (one of my mates was a former driver)
>i gotta avenge that poor sister of battle
>whip out my shovel and chaaaaaaaaaaarge
>while screaming for the emperor
>the fat ork notices this
>the coward is running
>have Scion Medi stay behind to patch up their wounded
>we jump off and pursue, if we can cut out this cancer now, we’ll be better off in the long run
“Directed Firestorm Sanctioned!”
>a godly salvo blows into the ork boss
>the Scions overcharged their plasma
>hundreds of hot-shot rounds pour into the fucker
>krak grenades make impact
>overwhelm its meager shield tech with concentrated firepower
>ork is on it knee now, not much left of him
>Tempestor Kasmirov and I run up
>Kasmirov lops off the ork klaw arm while I powerfist it’s skull to gooey green pieces
>call in our Taurox to pick us up
>Be Scion Medi, the Scion medic
>hop into the Baneblade
Bisected Sister
>immediate first aid maneuvers
>remove shrapnel and cut away armor
>ceramite is a bit tougher than carapace, but cuts in the end
>give these pot smokers instruction on how to care for the other half
>surprisingly clean cut, if I can stabilize her, the SoB medicaes may be able to reattach the legs
>be me
>krieger Hans
>get to the Bane blade see the sister a Scion medic and a bunch of high crew members
>offer the medic and the sistersd spare gas masks
>my friend hops in the driver seat while i help the sloppy pot headas with the sister
>we start heading towards the field outpost
>shield is broken in the sands, find a discarded ork with a klaw, prop him up in the smoke
>that's proppa sneaky
>bury self in sand and lurk
>look back towards tank
>masked humie waving a shovel and shrieking
>dats somewhat orky
>two homies come running up
>"kill" the dead ork
>mutter to themselves about bravery, hear the words "star of terra" several times
>they hop in a Taurus and speed away
>time to go loot a humie tank
>homies chase a lone ork into the sands
>looks like he might be wounded
>dey come back, covered with gore
>call the boyz up
>we'z gonna charge dat tank lads
>kill em all and let mork sort em out
Squad:15 biker nobz, 30 boys, 100 grots, 5 grot tanks
>see them trying to glue together a wench
>must be valuable
>one of the humies is a pointy ear
>dey have choppy dakka
>not bad
>have the weirdboy cast 'eadbanga on the two most important looking humies
>Be Scion Medi
>Krieger offers gas masks
>inform him the sister does not need it at the moment
>point to my own Respmask Array
“I’m good, thanks anyway”
>humies start shooting
>dey run out of ammo, musta shot it all at the one ork
>plasma starts exploding, hear screams
>containa field blowups
>brandish my choppa at them
>kill the two with the big humie lazer guns,
>Others flee towards their vehicles, start to retreat
>their humie trakks aint painted red
>be me
>krieger hans
>pop out of the hatch for a while
>holy fucking terra a small ork army is charging us
>get some of my guys to give supressing las fire
>and a pothead to fire the turret at the orks
>tell the driver guy to floor it
>call the commander in the field outpost to prepare as much men as he can
>we got orks on our tail
>da humies are running
>its da boyz!
>and fucking garlock
>god how I hate garlock
>fuck this, I'm going scrapping in the wastes
>cauterize wounds with melty gun, start walking
>see the stompa from its smoke trail
>no more gunfire
>musta killed all them grots
>fuckin grots
>run towards the engine bay, put out fires with plentiful sand
>smoke a fat J
>I can fix dis
>gotta get more grots
>work at the engines so's i can grab sum more
>stompa back to Boomtown
>Be Tempestor Prime Eskur
>drive the Taurox Prime back to the Baneblade
>check the auspex
>Squad:15 biker nobz, 30 boys, 100 grots, 5 grot tanks
>We’ve got 5 Taurox Primes, two with Gatling cannons, two with battlecannons, one with missile launcher
50 Tempestus Scions
>I call in the three Valkyries for aerial superiority
>orks are blown to pieces
>be me
>krieger hans
>crap we ran out of ammo
>also orks shoot down one of my m8s and one of the potheads
>inform the scion medic that were in deep shit
>whip out one of my krak grenades throw it at the greenskins
>it lands on a bike and the bike expoldes with the ork
>be me
>krieger hans
>some Tempestor Prime comes in with the clutch
>what a good guy
>da humies wif da shiny guns are long gone
>da bug humie tank is gunning it towards an outpost
>Now DERES some proppa lOOT
>Las beams streak past, 3 bikers go down in a hail of fire, flipping over and over
>larff at their plight
>shoulda used more blue
>big damn kannon fires
>where'd all me grots go
>oh, theys goo
>keep charging, hop onto the engine platform and start swinging at the hatch
>me boys are trying to do the same
>the grot tanks open up on the outpost, big shootas and rokkits flashing by
>see a humie with his jaw blown off
>weirdboy has to work on his eadbanga
>meaning something about tempestuous scions
>ga..lin.. cann... ns.
>yell at the boyz to krump him on the way in before he can call more troops
These threads are always a fucking blight and you can clearly tell it's always the same fuckers based on the post structure. Case in point; thread AVERAGES five posts per poster.

Just how many times will you fuckers not let this thread die?
Shove it up your ass.
>be me
>krieger hans
>some greenskin degenerate hops on OUR tank
>take out my glorious shovel
>and clash in a duel with the ork beast
>were almost at the outpost
>punie humie thinks he can beat me choppa
>with a shovel
>hit at him, miss wildly
>the tank is moving too much
>manage to tear off his rebreather with the second strike
>raise up for the kill
>slip and fall off the tank
>fucking mork
>limp back to me bike, lost half the boyz in the fighting
>tempestuous are all dead
>vehicles smoking wrecks
>the grot tanks shootas blew through em like paper squigs
>half me boyz are gone
>decide to go for glory
>kill 2 boys to boost morale, charge the Krieger encampment
>be me
>krieger hans
>ork swing at me and tears of my rebreather
>he then falls of the tank
>throw my kinfe at him trty to aim for the heart
>i dont need it anyways i got my superior shovel
>now i need a second rebreather
>i have one that the scion med didnt want
>thank the emperor
>turn to lead the charge, one of the boyz points to my shoulder
>boss, you got a...
>its a knife
>barely the size of a urty syringe
>yeet that shit at a grot for morale
>rip a shoota out of a boyz hands, pass him my slugga
>a wave of dakka screams towards the encampment, boyz brandishing choppaz and firing shootas and sluggas, the bikes roaring ahead firing boomstikks, grots cringing behind their tanks
>pick up a taurox door, holster choppa and keep shootan and runnin
>be me
>krieger hans
>see some ork charging our trench line
>hop on the vox comunications line and see what the guys are up to
>they are listening to some old marches
>warn them just to be sure
>you never know
>there might me more of them coming
>also told them to aim at the giant ork scrap thing
>be me krieger hans
>pop out of the hatch
>see more orks
>phone it over to the trench kamaraden
>they cheer at the news of an incoming battle
>almost to the trenches
>hear music, see the goffs get into line as they charge
>a masked head pops up
>pepper at him with dakka, not sure if any hit
>the bikers jump the trench line, start throwing grenades at the lascannon
>3 more go down, one from his own grenade, another two to surprised lasgunners
>grits can see victory, start surging ahead
>one stays behind, fanning at an engine on a scrap tank
>should built his scrap better
>fucking grots
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>Be me, Imperial storm trooper Greger von Rosen
>Managed to reach the convoy pretty quickly, sisters thunderhawk touched down fairly fast too
>Sergeant had ordered everyone to begin firing before we had gotten there, a bunch of the chaos space marines were already dead before the sisters could show up and let the purging begin
>Hear Craigus say "Can't run from me!" as he fires his Exitus, puncturing a hole in a tau Crisis suit
>Slide in and get off my bike
>Firing line cover has been mostly removed, wagon has begun construction again
>Sergeant orders the men to cease firing as the thunderhawk touches down
>Sergeant drops his heavy stubber and approaches Auguste
>"A real Seraphim, in the flesh!"
>Shakes her hand and begins conversing with her
>Three full squads of sisters of battle pour out of the thunderhawk and begin opening fire on the space marines and Tau
>Ah, by the emperor, the sight of guardsmen and sisters of battle standing side by side blowing the ever-loving shit out of heretics and xenos really warms my heart
>Stand up from my bike, notice that the fighting is getting a bit far away
>"Alright everyone, as soon as the techpriests are done we're getting out of here, grab your gear now so we don't have to come back for it!" I hear the sergeant shout
>Most modifications are already finished, wagon's the only thing remaining
>Sit lean against Craigus' firing position as the rest of the boys begin packing up
>We just kinda stand there for a moment
>Craigus has at this point stopped firing to conserve the ammo for his Exitus, normally he uses a rifle the tech-priest slapped together using some old "blue papers"
>Fuck if I know, I've never been turned on by a toaster
>Craigus suddenly taps my shoulder and points at a bunch of Orks attacking a baneblade
>10 minutes later
>Everything's ready, Thunderhawk is in the air and the wind is swishing past my face as the Chimera shoots through the desert
>Convoy stops about 113 meters away from the Orks, platoon-sized unit disembarks and lights the orks the fuck up
>Watch the Thunderhawk fire into the orks before landing and letting its cargo of gun totting fanatics spill out
>So much fucking shit flying between us and the Orks that it's kinda hard to tell how many of them are being torn to shreds by the second
>mfw the xenos never even stood a chance to begin with
>I wonder if I can take a shower in that base
This thread is everywhere and no where. Orks are sore losers
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>Be me, Senior Sister Christabel Bathory of the Order of the Obsidian Rosary, Seraphim Squad
Well, I guess it was a good run.
>be me krieger hans
>orks charge the trench line
>the fight turns into a bloddy mele
>it really warms up my heart
>suddenly spot some reinforcements coming in from another battlefield
>wasn´t requested but why not
>were just a few dozen kilometers from the outpost
>the sistewr isn´t holding up that well it seems
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Ah, but you see my friend, that's where bionics come in.
>da humies landed
>boys falling like grots
>grots falling like snotlings
>see an outcrop at the base
>run to it
>feel a leg get blown off
>two bolter rounds in my torso
>cant krump like this
>throw my last 3 grenades into the outcrop
>this is my death
>last thing I see before closing my dead panzee eyes
>an explosion of water
>a showerhead strikes me and all goes black
It's hard to have a good time when some retard comes into the action and just says "tempestus volley ur dead lol"
I thought it was pretty good otherwise
>be me krieger hans we arrive at the outpost the orks have been swept appart by the sturmtruppen
>zher gut
>we park our tank by the medbay and hand of the sister to the meds
>scion goes in with them
>nice guy should porobaby have a beer with him
>thank the stormtrooper for the help and go have a beer with the tank driver
>i hope the sister survives and dosent get turned into a toaster fetishist
>be me
>Commissar Macknamera
>have had enought of this
>whip out my boltgun and just start shooting at anything green and shouty
>when they do, i help move the sister away to a safe place
>Eldar freind seems fine, I hope
>take my bolt pistol back and hand her a lazrifle
>those are easier to find ammo for
>wish these fuck wit orcs would quit throwing grenades at us
Tell that to the insta-bisected sister. Or saying someone else’s plasma randomly explodes. Loses a lot of the fun when some ork goes full god mode then just digs away because reasons.

Also, there has been an entire platoon of Scions with aerial support this whole thread
>be me
>200 year old priest
>dumped on this fucking rock of a planet to look for STCs
>hear a convoy drive up to my enclave right as I'm about to diddle my favorite toaster
>power up solar atomizer, might be orks again
>just pure humans
>and two halves of a human
>not a toaster, no sexual attraction
>tiddies ain't bad tho
>her legs are cold, but the emperor has preserved life in her torso
>place her in a stasis casket to prepare my tools
>two bionic legs and a toaster with uterus upgrade
>"this will take several hours, you may resume duties or rest at my conclave as you see fit. I make no promises, but the sister may yet live. For my services, bring me xeno tech, that I might determine its foul origins and cleanse it of tech heresy for further study"
I gave the sister like 5 posts to return to the thread, I didnt instantly appear and dump shit into them. You complain about me going God mode when you literally decided to give yourself a full squad of scions with aerial support. Would it have been better if I had spawned myself in a kill kroozer and glassed every cunt on the planet?

Additionally, you complain about me dictating what your plasma does when you do the exact same thing with my actions. Learn to love a double standard if you're gonna use it, shitbird.
I remember shit like this happening in RP forums of old, lets just keep it as a general rule of thumb not to just kill of someones character haphazardly. Basically: DON'T BE A FAG ABOUT IT
That's what I'm saying, I dont give a fuck if my character dies, but not to bullshit "haha ur ded" crap. If it ain't that way theres no reason to not just say "eadbanga" and instagib annoying fucks.
>be me krieger hans
>watch as the meds cant do shit
>we give up and hand her to the tech priest
>he bring out fake legs and worst of all a fucking toaster
>i knew this would happen
>look in despair as he fiddels aroun with her
>shed a tear of pure sadness
>idk why i did this guardsmen are not supposed to cry but she lookd kinda cute
>bid tiddies are just a bonus
>he wants some xeno tech in return
>we dump stacks of ork weaponry and some fancy eldar armour on the floor
>he thanks us and proceeds with his work
30 posts later, no new posters.

And you're saying this ain't /qst/.
This thread has been going on over several days. Your arbitrary justification for up an killing a character is moot.

I established back on the eleventh post that I was leading a platoon of Scions. This seemed like a large scale engagement thread. Considering we have multiple characters leading giant forces all at once, it only make sense to have a good amount of people.
We’ve had people with Stompas and whole hordes of orks. Don’t bitch about what is par for the course.

I only killed the ork boss after the whole “cut-a-Sister-in-half” incident. I returned like for like.
Again. Up your ass.
Then by your own metric what I did was fair. I killed the sister outright, just like I did to you with the eadbangas. Again, you're bitching about what you did being done to you.
You did that first to the sister, fuckhead. Then I came me after you. Return like for like, then you spiral it out of control.

I didn’t kill characters until you did, retard.
>the sister is saved
>her new leg implants are highest quality adamantium, tougher than the power armor she would have been clad in
>such is the power of the machine
>discard the primitive ork weaponry after a preliminary examination, the eldar tech is of far greater worth.
>slather the dunecrawler in holy oils and drive her back to the base, that she might be seen once more
>she is quiet on the walk out, not sure how her legs will function
>ask if I can touch her new toaster
>playing a race that is diametrically opposed to the imperium
>give multiple chances for her to be saved
>shes still alive at the tech priests

"B-b-but you killed a player first"
Kys, cuck
Quiet, fool.
“K-k-k y-y-y-y s-s-s, c-c-cc-c-c-c-cuck”
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>I gave the sister like 5 posts to return to the thread
Sister-poster here: I have a job and appointments to keep, so being constantly connected moment-by-moment to /tg/ is functionally impossible.
I admit I did WTF for a moment when I'd been arbitrarily written out, and it does seem unfair, but my inability to consistently post isn't anyone elses' fault.
I also understand the need for story progression.
>the sister is saved
Let it go, man. I ain't even mad.
>be me
No you cant molest the sister's new legs
>slaps cog boi
>need new gloves, new coat
>need a bath
>feels like some heretical fools are fighting in the rift
>load my bolt gun
>wipe the blood off my gloves
>much better
Damn, having a Sister in the weed tank had some comic potential.
Unless you were bored of the character, you probably should have just found a way to ignore her death, usually a bait and switch works well (Christabel got free of the tank hatch and some other Sister got bisected in her place, cheap trick, but better than killing someone else's character when they are not around to post). Guys like that ork poster are either trolls or newfags that don't understand the point of these threads.
>Be Corporal Leslie, Tertiary Loader, Commissariat Baneblade
>Be covered in blood
>The Sister who partially fell into our tank hatch got cut in half by an ork
>Forgot how gross and sticky the feeling is
>Also attracting more flies than usual
>Wonder if this outpost has showers
>Unfortunately it looks like the 'Sar is itching to head back out
>Welcome to life in the Guard
>Be Colonel Commissar Felix
>Over the Vox chatter I hear that a sister of Battle was critically wounded, maybe even killed
>ouch, poor gal
>also come up with an idea how to get rid of the Necron tomb that has yet to wake
>call up my Recon team to look for the tomb entrance
>after that I call up the navy to see if I could borrow a particularly large bomb
>Be Eldar Wench Tu'Nara, AKA Tamara
>Wandering around mon-keigh outpost waiting to see what Big-Hat Mon-Keigh wants to do next
>Tempted to find mon-keigh in outpost with biggest hat and ask for asylum, but not sure if all mon-keigh are as friendly as Big-Hat Mon-Keigh
>Some of the other mon-keigh wandering the base seem curious as to my appearance, but the fact that I am wearing Big-Hat Mon-Keigh's Big Hat seems to inspire fear in them
>There are certain advantages to the mon-keigh's primitive social structure
>be me krieger hans
>walking around the field outpost tkinking about that epic krak grenade throw i did back in the tank
>suddenly remember someone calling me a mon-keigh back there
>go back to the tank
>see some eldar wearing a commissar hat
>im no longer in mood for purging xenos because of the whole sister of battle fiasco
>decide to talk to her because bored
>it seems she was picked up by the pothead commissar
>feel bad for her because all she's been thru and is probably gonna get executed by some of my guys or the cogboys or the sisters of battle or pretty much anyone else except the pothead crew
>offer her some of my beer
>wtf im turning into one of those tau brotherfuckers
>ok tjis is the last xeno i ever fell symphaty for
>she wants to find where the pothead commissar went
>i go to look for him
>be me
>krieger walks up and says the eldar want to talk to be
>scarf is starting to fall down and people can see her ears
>she wants asylum
>can you give xenos asylum?
>nothing in the booklet on this subject
>pull a roset out of my pocket
>make a note on my data slate
Eldar, Tamara...
>take a picture of her face
...given asylum...for cooperation and assistance to the imperium of man...
>pin roset to shirt
>nod to Tamara
>tell her that should work
>tell her to keep the hat just in case
>see that the cog boys are taking the weed out of the tank
>what they don't know is that I have a lot more on the ship
>Be Eldar Wench Tu'Nara, AKA Tamara
>End up in conversation with random mon-keigh soldier
>He seems fairly non-hostile for a mon-keigh, the Big-Hat Mon-Keigh's Big-Hat doesn't scare him, though perhaps my scarf is getting a bit loose
>Accept beer to avoid seeming rude
>It taste terrible, but better than weed or ork fungus beer
>Ask him where Big-Hat Mon-Keigh went to
>Decide to ask Big-Hat Mon-Keigh for asylum rather than look for a Mon-Keigh with a bigger hat
>He seems doubtful, but fiddles around with his primitive Mon-Keigh technology and gives me some sort of adornment that apparently gives me protection
>Not particularly convinced that will be enough when associating with a race as xenophobic as the mon-keigh
>Decide to keep close to friendly mon-keigh like Big-Hat Mon-Keigh, Masked Mon-Keigh, and Ambiguous Gendered Mon-Keigh while I consider my next steps
>Be Private Billy, Americus 10th Mechanized
>Sent by the Colonel Commissar to locate the heart of the Necron ruins and finish them off once and for all
>By pure luck, I mean warrior's intuition, my team is the one to locate the main gate to the Necron's underground mountain complex
>Do a bit of recon with my psyber eagle
>A group of important looking necrons are meeting a group of orks and a group of tau at the entrance of the Necron Tomb
>Of course! It was only a matter of time before their burning envy of mankind would draw them together to form an unholy AXIS OF EVIL!!!
>Actually, nevermind, the Necrons just killed off all the orks and tau
>Well that was interesting, and strangely disappointing
>Signal the Colonel Commissar and wait for further orders, hopefully I will get to see a massive explosion if nothing else
>good idea Tamara
>hand her a lazgun and some armor
>order more weed from the ship
>party in the baneblade when it’s ready
>walk over to grab some recaf from te mess tent
>no creamer
>drink it anyways as I’m thirsty
>eat some of the food as I got the munchies like a storm
>in hindsight, that might have been the weed

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