>>70676564
>you must be 95yo+ to post ITT

>>70676564
I once smited an elephant in my pajamas, what followed was an awkward conversation with my

>I tell ya, I get no respect, no respect at all.
>The other day, I ran into an intellect devourer. It starved to death!

>>70678728
lawyer

>Got attacked by a night hag while I was sleepin'
>She kept showing me my wife!

>>70678781
Hehe

>an elthereal filcyer came at me the other day
>rifled through my pockets. said "you poor thing" and left!

>a new cyberarm the other day
>told my wife "hey check out the new chrome!"
>said it was more like rust!

>Told my wife I wanted to be a bard
>She said "honey with a face like yours you're better off being an ogre"

I'm a paladin, you know? Wanted to try something different. I got an Aura of Inspiration. Gets everyone ready to fight. They all ditched me at the first bugbear.

I go after them and say "what happened you guys? Didn't you feel inspired?"

They say to me "Yeah, inspired to run!"

>My kids, they like to play this new game, Dark Jogging or something
>I say to them, hey kiddos, why don't give the classics a try. I'll even DM for ya, I can tell a good story!
>They say to me, sorry pops, we want to play a game, not hear a bedtime story about how you used to do things. No respect.

>>70679552
Hehehe

I go to the king and ask for his daughter's hand in marriage. Beautiful girl. She asks him where's the nearest dragon?

>"So make my last death save and the DM tells me to hand over my character sheet anyway. No respect I tell ya! Then they kicked me out of the game. It was at my house!"

So these orcs drop this net on our group. Thing is heavy, they got us dead to rights. Say they need our strong blood for a sacrifice. I keep talking like I was included but they tossed me out of the net pretty quick.

>>70679726

Made me giggle

I tell ya folks, my characters wife didn't last 2 sessions,
took one look at me and threw herself in the fridge

>>70676564

>I tell you I get no respect around these parts
>Go to take a job clearing rats out of the innkeeper's basement
>Next thing I know I get a complaint from the guild from the rats saying I was trespassing and pretending to be a hero

>Just the other day my wife got kidnapped by a dragon
>Best five thousand gold I ever spent!

>>70679999
Quads of quality

>I tell ya, the princess died last year so I learned necromancy to bring her back to life, the king promised me her hand in marriage
>When it was done she took a look at me and said 'please, I'd rather stay dead!'

>A changeling spent two days walking around as me without me knowing about it!
>He gives and out if the blue asks me how "how do you live like this", I tell ya.

>>70680066
Holy shit 10/10

>Adventurer's guild put up a sign. "Bring in a monster's head and get 50 gold."
>So I dusted off the troll's head in the basement. An antique you know. Like my wife.
>Brought it in. You know what they did? They tried to pay the troll.
>I get no respect, no respect at all.

>No respect I tell ya
>Everytime I'm walkin' around town, mindin' my business some cleric slaps me with a turn undead!
>When I tell 'em I ain't dead yet they just give me this look and start prayin'.

>I tell ya, I hate adventurers, hate 'em
>every week I gotta chase off another adventurer, I swear I'm just going to put up a sign
> 'that's no ogre, that's my wife!'

>I get no respect. A rust monster tried to eat my car. Damn thing died of food poisoning.

>>70680103
Prime
>>70680107
Primo

>no respect I tell ya, no respect
>just the other day a paladin kicked in my bedroom door shouting 'back to hell with thee, devil!'
>and I roll over, look at my wife and say 'I think he's talking to you'

>I tell ya, it's a tough world out there.
>Tried to level into a prestige class. None of them would take me.

>Tried to sell my soul, you know, to get work as a warlock. This devil takes one look at me and says "is that a threat?"

File: 1495673580878.gif (273 KB, 368x288)

273 KB GIF

>>70680129

>oh brother, you don't know how hard it is for a caster out here
>One look at me in my robes and every ogre in town thinks I'm a brood mare, it's crazy I tell ya!

>I get no respect I tell ya, no respect. Tried to hire a cleric. He swore "healing kick" was a real spell.

>my wife, gods bless her, is the light of my life
>yeah, she's a real level three fireball, I tell ya

>>70680129
>tried to prestige class
>none of them would take me

This tickles the funny bone

>I ain't the best looking guy in the world. Failed a death save and the Grim Reaper turned up... with a big canvas sack.

>I signed up as a bard last week and got fined for casting 'vicious mockery' on a merchant
>I didn't even say nothin', he just took a look at my face

>I think I've gotta start shaving more often. Last I heard, the bugbears are tellin' their kids not to go out at night or they might run into me.

>I always loved the d12 but never the barbarian. Surprising, I know. People look at the face and think "Barbarian." Then they look at the gut and get confused. Anyway one day I catch some spell or another that uses it. Like a shitty Eldritch Blast. Anyway, one day the stars align and I cast this shitty spell. I reach into the bag and hold pick up the d12. Let me tell yeah, I'm excited. I'm ready to go. Damn thing jumped out of my hand. Worst part? Tossed up a d4.

>So I roll up a new character. GM says to pick a class. I say lower middle.

>Even my spells don't respect me. Ever missed with Magic Missile?

>>70680278
>I get no respect I tell ya
>When ever I introduce my familiar and myself he adds "Not to familiar though."

File: B3AEEF64-11E9-44A5-97F3-5(...).png (10 KB, 225x225)

10 KB PNG

Great read before going to bed, thank you anons.

This thread is making me lose my mind. Fucking brilliant.

>I ain't the best looking guy. Every morning I have to cast "charm person" just to look at my face in the mirror.

>I get no respect. There's a wizard handing out amulets of "protection from me".

>Just the other day I cast Circle of Truth on a guy.
>Announce it and everything.
>She says she doesn't believe me.

>>70676564
So we go in to slay the dragon, he takes one look at me and says "eesh" and hangs himself on the spot. No respect.
Then, we start divvying up the treasure, you know, but the boys ain't givin me any gold. I says to 'em, "hey, where's my cut?" Fighter holds up his axe and says "I got your cut right here, pal." No respect, I'm tellin ya, no respect.
Finally, I says, "C'mon, gotta give me somethin for my troubles, boys," So they give me the cave. Real upstanding fellas, I'm tellin ya because three weeks later they come back to visit me, and I says, "Hey, didja miss me or what?" They say, "No. We came here to kill the troll been in and out of this here cave," I tellem I ain't seen no troll here, and wouldn't you know it? The rogue stabs me in the back! No respect.

>>70680632
Finely crafted

>I tried casting “contact other plane” the other day, yeah
>went to roll for my intelligence saving throw to see if I go insane
>dm said, “there’s no need! The demigod already lost his mind talking to you!”

monitoring this thread

>I get no respect. The other day a cleric tried to banish me.
>So I went to talk to his boss. He took one look at me and said "Greater Restoration is down the hall."

>>70680928
>So just the other day I go to /tg/, you know, put on a little show for the boys.
>Post some funny green texts about paladins and dragons. The good stuff. Hope to get a little smirk here or there.
>Some stick-in-the-mud comes around the corner, tells me to fuck off.
>No respect, I get no respect.

>>70680966
Laughed irl at this one

So the cleric finds a new spell, right? Says you can hit ghosts with material weapons, right? Specter says "I don't matter"

> Went delving in some tomb, what with all the necromancers
>I get down there, and first thing the weird bonebangers do?
>Ask me why my master forgot to remove my guts, I was horribly bloated and gassy
>No respect, I tell ya.

>I get no respect from anybody. I went down to apply to be a minion, you know, just for a change of pace. Work for some evil wizard in a cave.
>Did you know there's something below CR 0?

>I tell ya I never got to play DnD. Everytime I roll up a character sheet, they make me an innkeeper! No respect, no respect at all

>>70681840
>I try to be the DM, the wizard casts "Greater falling rocks" on the party! No respect!

>>70681840
>>70681856
>Only game they'll let me be apart of is "Call of Cthulu"...Anytime one of the party looks over at me, they immediately lose all sanity!

>I tell ya I can barely even get past makin' a new character. I try to roll up stats and they all come up 0!

>>70681905
>I try to point buy my stats, DM tells me "You can't afford nothin'!" No respect I tell ya!

I come up with a new spell, right? Call it MILF's Acid Arrow. Make my wife feel better. I show it to my friends. They day: "Call it Melf"

File: Chris-Rock.jpg (39 KB, 617x412)

39 KB JPG

>NOW WHITE WIZARDS, WHITE WIZARDS ALWAYS BE HOLDING THEIR WAND LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW
>LIKE THEY AFRAID THE MAGIC MISSILES WILL COME OUT THE WRONG END OR SOMETHING
>WHILE NIGGA WIZARDS, NIGGA WIZARDS HOLD THEIR WAND LIKE THIS
>NIGGA IT'S A BALL OF FIRE, IT BEING SIDEWAYS DOESN'T HELP SHIT

>>70680089
10/10

>I met this fella with white hair and a sword on his back, you know, one of them Witchers
>He said he loves it when I’m in town!
>Yeah, ‘cause if I come in before him, people welcome him with open arms!

I stopped in the potion shop to get a potion, you know. I took one step in and the clerk hits me with holy water. No respect. I tell him I need a potion. He says I need a lot more than that. No respect. I tell ya. I say, look, my wife is losing her sight and needs something for her eyes. He says a blade would be quicker. No respect. No respect.

>So eventually I start to realize, maybe it was a mistake multiclassing so much, could have just stayed the one and ended up much better.
>So I asked the DM if I could just drop the other class levels and switch them over to the original one, but he refuses me!
>No respec I tell ya, no respec.

>>70680066
lel

>>70680928
Cringe
>>70680966
Based

>>70683047
You sly bastard...

>Oh I tell ya, my wife, she can be so frigid. The other night she comes home with a troll and says, "This is the ogre I've been screwing on the side." I say, "Darlin', that's no ogre," and she says, "I wasn't talkin' to you."

>>70679806
Top

>So go to the Adventure's Guild to sign up. I go to the desk and say "Sign me up as a level the bard." I get the paperwork and it says, "humanoid, three hit dice." I turn to the lady and say, "There must be some mistake, I'm a bard!" She looks me right in the eyes and says, "We both know you got no class." No respect.

>>70679447
guffaw

>>70683520
Actually laughed irl at this one.

>>70683047
Not gonna lie, I had to read it twice, but it's the best one in the thread.

>I was gonna visit this great dwarf city, I'd heard a lotta things about it. Supposedly folks there would respect you more if you got a beard, makes you look like a real man, and boy don't you know I never get any respect.
>So I grow out this long nice beard, took a full year to grow.
>I get to the city, step onto one of these steampunk subway things and this dad says to his kid sitting down: "Son, stand up so that old lady can sit". No respect.

>And I tell ya it got worse from there
>I went to the elf quarter of the city and they said sorry, no humans allowed.
>So I go to the human quarter and they say sorry, no orcs allowed!

>Even before going to that city I had trouble, let me tell you.
>I had to fight this dragon, it was huge, cause that's how dragons are, but this one was so fat you wouldn't believe it.
"How fat was it?"
>How fat? This dragon was so fat that he couldn't use his wings to fly, he had to get off the ground with an Apollo rocket!

>But eventually you know, I kill the dang thing with my friends and cut off its head
>I go to present the head for a bounty and they arrest me for stealing it from the person they think really killed that dragon.
>But I say hey, I'll get outta this okay, my friends who helped out will vouch for me.
>They all got thrown in jail for perjury!

>I tell ya, it's rough out there.
>So here I am, rolling up this new character, and I decide to put some points in Charisma.
>DM puts a marriage certificate and a goat in my inventory
>I says to him, I says "What's all this for?"
>He says to me, he says "It's for your points in Animal Handling."
>"No way fella, I rolled Charisma!"
>"Yeah, well it rolled right back over when it saw who it was dealing with."
>I tell ya, it's rough.

>>70680966
I love this thread, good job anon.

>>70680066
Lmao

>I was talking to the singer over at the tavern, I says to him, I could get famous for the battles I win if I just had a bard
>he looks at me and says what I really need is barding! I get no respect

>>70683047
I dun get it. Is this loss?

>So I get to a new town, and the guard stops our party at the gate
>"Sorry pal, no orcs allowed"
>I turn to my buddy Krusk, but before I can say anything the guard interrupts again
>"Both of ya, get out of here!"
>No respect I tell ya

>I tell ya, I went to the local lord to see if he had any work. he says "oh yeah, I got a job that's perfect for you".
>He sends me out to stand in a farmer's field. I thought I was looking after the sheep.
>Then the farmer comes up and threatens me, asks me who I am, I said the lord sent me here for work! The farmer, he says "The lord told me he was giving me a new cow." Yeesh.

>Thinking about gettin' a new group
>The boys don't let me play Rangers no more
>Every time I'd fire an arrow, it'd turn right back around and ask for severance pay!
>And even when I do get to play I get no respect
>DM decides we're gonna have a little PvP, you can guess how that went
>Four minutes in my head's on a pike and nobody feels like fightin' no more
>And I tried to fight back, I really did!
>Rolled my saving throw and the dice hid under the fridge yelling "Take my word for it!"
>I tell ya, I got 20 empty Crown Royal bags and no dice left to put in 'em

>>70686807
>respec
>re spec
>re specialize

File: dean32.jpg (10 KB, 425x326)

10 KB JPG

>>70687172
>>Rolled my saving throw and the dice hid under the fridge yelling "Take my word for it!"

File: pacha.jpg (39 KB, 600x600)

39 KB JPG

>>70687172
>>I tell ya, I got 20 empty Crown Royal bags and no dice left to put in 'em

>>70687172
Severance. That was good

>>70682195
>NIGGA IT'S A BALL OF FIRE, IT BEING SIDEWAYS DOESN'T HELP SHIT

This got me.

>>70682981
Fucking great.

>So dragons, right? Who doesn't love dragons?
>Guess we know who never ran a farm in the audience.
>Anyway dragons. I love dragons. I tell people that and they say to me "oh that explains the scales, you're dragonborn"
>I tell em no
>they come at me with "so you're a lizard, then"
>I tell em "I'm a man!"
>they tell me back "That's not what
your wife says"
>no respect

>My boy lets me play Monopoly with him last week
>He runs a credit check on me before lettin’ me buy Baltic Avenue
>These kids, I tell ya...

>my family? They give me no respect, I tell yah
>I'm playing Catan with em all, wife and kids
>I put down some wood and tell em to put a road down for me
>my wife says "you haven't had wood in 20 years"
>I couldn't believe her! The kids were right there. But I want to keep playing the game so I ask my daughter to put down the road for me
>She says "Gimme three sheep and I'll think about it "

>So my wife and I reach level 3, she takes her feat- Skill Focus: Perception
>she takes one look at me and says “boy, THAT was a mistake”
>Next month we’re on vacation together, she hits level 6
>she says she’s taking Improved Trip- suddenly I’m back at home!
>A while later she hits level 9, I say “say honey, why don’t you take something that’ll help me out too”
>She takes Craft Rod!
>I tell ya I don’t get no respect

>>70688848
>Improved Trip
KEK

>>70676564
I found a magic scroll, I told the party & they asked me what it was for, so I start reading it, suddenly they’re all gone, just a spot of soot on the floor! Was it something I said?

>>70676564
>I was in a dungeon the other day, when a succubus charmed me!
>I said, hey baby oh baby, anything you want baby, you just name it.
>She thinks about it for a minute,and banishes herself! I tell you no respect.

>so I take the leadership feat, I figure now I GOTTA get respect, right?
>my cohort shows up, he says “isn’t there a charisma prerequisite for this?”
>I say hey buddy, I made your character sheet!
>he says he was happier as a piece of loose leaf
>two weeks later I find him in bed with my wife!
>I say “how can you do this, don’t you know he’s an NPC? What’s he got that I don’t got?”
>she says “an intelligence bonus!”

>I tell ya, I get no respect. I roll three 20's in a row durin' combat and the DM says that *I* drop dead.
>I ask him about it and he just says, "Well, you rolled a 1 sixty times." No respect.

>>70680066
best

>>70680034
No respect I tell ya

>>70682195
kek

File: 56ADEEE7-42D3-458A-91E5-5(...).jpg (67 KB, 1280x720)

67 KB JPG

>I feel really sorry for demons, because it’s impossible tell if they’re sunburnt.

>>70688848
Pure gold

>>70680066
Jesus kek

File: 4FA5DD56-FCC9-47C3-9141-8(...).jpg (31 KB, 640x360)

31 KB JPG

>When I go artifact hunting, I avoid the circular kind. Ogres get really mad when you steal their wedding rings.

>>70691171
>If you can’t get the sword out of the stone, it’s not the end of the world. Chisel the stone off the ground, and you got yourself a hammer.

>>70691097
>A dwarf is just a man who decided to grow old before he grew tall.

>>70691097
Goblins are great when you are angry and you want to kill two thousand of something.

File: chris.jpg (442 KB, 2000x1087)

442 KB JPG

>>70691695

>So I pick up the Warhammer Fantasy RPG and join a group. The GM tells me not to roll for a failed career. "Comedian" he says. I tell ya, I get no respect.

>>70679596
Laughed out loud

File: 20200127_181520.jpg (97 KB, 800x450)

97 KB JPG

>I was goin into battle. I went to the potion seller.
>And I say to him "I need your strongest potions."
>He won't sell 'em. I say why, he says they'll kill me!
>No respect, no respect at all!

>>70691958
legit the weakest one itt.

>>70692101
I agree, but it was necessary to get it out of the way.

>>70692159
Ha, that's what my wife says to the neighbor after she pushes into the bus. No respect, I tell ya.

File: pepe.png (9 KB, 417x526)

9 KB PNG

>>70680066

>>70692186
hehe

>>70691720
Those need to be all goblins.

>>70691097
>I used to do dark magic
>I still do, but I used to too

>>70691695
>I know how to get bed curtains dirt cheap. Go to Ogre country, look at the laundry lines, and look for the clean loincloths.

No respect. I decided I'm going to be a Paladin, for the ladies ya know. Something about being good with their hands. So I ask the Priest an he says I don't fit the alignment requirements. I say 'what do you mean?' I say 'I'm lawful good god dammit.' They say ' We're talking about your nose!' I tell you, not a lick. Not a lick.

>No respect at all
>See, last Friday I was negotiating with this Elf Witch over some fire armor
>I tell her,'Hey Babe, I'm a little short, I'll spend an hour to take 20 on my Diplomacy'
>She says I better take 2000!
>Women these days, I tell ya

File: jeff_foxworthy.jpg (8 KB, 150x200)

8 KB JPG

>If you've ever made a thousand goldpieces, then slept outdoors to save 2 silver on an Inn room, you might be an Adventurer.
>If you've ever threaten a merchant with your +1 sword to get a deal on his +2 sword, you might be an Adventurer.
>If you've ever cut a ladder in half to get two ten foot poles, you might be an Adventurer.

>>70691958
>He says his potion is strong enough to kill a dragon. I show him a picture of my wife and say "how about this?" "Buddy," he says, "I sell potions, not miracles."

File: ctyp+mitch+hedberg+jokes.jpg (21 KB, 800x348)

21 KB JPG

>>70691097
So, I wanted to be a fighter but rolled low on strength and high on dex. The DM says, "Those aren't bad stats, but you might want to re-roll if you want a fighter." I said, "Fuck that. I'll just make a rogue."

>>70692548
>If you've ever been at IHOP and your wife orders the short stack of pancakes and YOU get an erection:
>You might be a fa/tg/uy

>>70692605
>But yeah, who else here is a rogue?
>*snaps fingers* OFFICERS!

>>70692548
>If you walk in a room and there's an Elf slave and you ACTUALLY don't know what to do, you might need to spend some time on other boards

File: 170px-Jerry_Seinfeld_(1997).jpg (13 KB, 170x263)

13 KB JPG

>>70692548
>What's the deal with guns in fantasy?
>Is it medieval? Is it is the Wild West?
>I don't know!

File: 1448283625474.png (167 KB, 256x384)

167 KB PNG

>>70680066

>>70692605
>Sometimes I’m jealous of werewolves, because they’re the only race with an autopilot for grocery shopping.

>>70679999
Checked

>>70680089
>>70680103
>>70680300
>>70680919
>>70681286
>>70682981
Some of the best itt

>>70692917
This got me

I get no respect, I tell yah. The boys we're all hanging around comparing our junk to weapons. No one's seen it so might as well pretend, right? So I say "I got balls that they named a ballista after me!" My buddy El'thweyn, he gives me no respect. He says to me "more like a sling!"

It's the halfling who was the worst. Proudfood bastard says "longest range in the land"

>>70691097
>I eat goodberries when I'm hungry and unable to chew twice
>>70692917
>>70692548
>Fucking kek

>>70692605
>Golems are the only race to have airliners. But they’re not usually called ”airliners.” We call them “catapults.”

>I always had problems with dry skin so I found an abolith. So now it's only dry when I'm out of the water. Now you may think that's the same as before but my master says its different.

this thread is fuckin great

>>70694748
ha!

File: 1579084824442.png (1.25 MB, 1920x720)

1.25 MB PNG

>My wife rubbed oil of sharpness on my head
>I said what are you doing?
>She was hoping it would increase my intelligence
>No respect around here, I tell ya
>So I bought another one and rubbed it on her
>She sad what are you doing?
>I said sharpening an old battleaxe

File: bill-hicks-meta-768x432.jpg (21 KB, 768x432)

21 KB JPG

>So that was the worst part about it, y'know? Signing on with Abaddon. I'm sitting there, just having a smoke, minding my own business when he pops up on the vox, hair making him look like a literal horses ass, and asks me to go Crusading. For a 13th. Fucking time. I call him back. "Listen, Abby, talk to me when discount Churchill stops taking the rejuvenat, because gods know that's the only thing that's killing him, okay?"

File: Denis Leary.jpg (141 KB, 844x1143)

141 KB JPG

>>70695487
>So that was the worst part about it, y'know? Signing on with Abaddon. I'm sitting there, just having a smoke, minding my own business when he pops up on the vox, hair making him look like a literal horses ass, and asks me to go Crusading. For a 13th. Fucking time. I call him back. "Listen, Abby, talk to me when discount Churchill stops taking the rejuvenat, because gods know that's the only thing that's killing him, okay?"

File: george lopez.jpg (244 KB, 1500x750)

244 KB JPG

>One time, we were all sitting in our camp when a group of adventurers busted in, wielding their swords and shit. They took one look around and saw how POOR AND ORCISH we were and said "You live like this?!"

i sat down to play some magic and my opponent plays a visera seer then the next turn he plays a blood artist and the third turn a doomed traveler and a sacred cat, he sacrifices the cat and traveller to the seer and i lose two life, i called my friend over to ask what deck this is, and he said The Aristocrats.

>>70695498
kek

>>70692589

And he saved it!

File: uploadedimage_5dc0b5fa04e51.jpg (46 KB, 678x399)

46 KB JPG

>The bard said to me "Hey, you're looking pretty fat in you armor."
>I said "That's okay, I'll just get my armor painted to look like me but skinnier"

>>70696447
>I wanted to practice being a Paladin so I fell over.

>>70696474
Should just be "so I fell"

>>70696447
>I went to the general goods store for my next adventure and I bought some dehydrated water.

>>70696447
>I got caught in the lord's castle and the guards asked me "Didn't you see the no trespassing sign?"
>I said "Yeah, but you know you can't believe everything you read."

>>70691097
>You know at the end of the week, at the Adventurer's Guild, it gets really busy
>Everyone is lined up for roll call, to turn in and receive assignments, and it'll be like
>"Skallagar, party of two." And no one will answer. And maybe they will try again. "Skallagar, party of two."
>But then they just move on to the next group. "Vinthos, party of four."
>But hey man, isn't anyone worried about those Skallagars? How can you quest at a time like this? We should try to find them.
>The Skallagars are tied up in some goblin's dungeon right now.
>And they're unpaid. Which is even worse.
>Shouldn't it be like, "Vinthos, search party of four!"
>"You'll get your gold once you find the Skallagars"

>So I sign on with an adventuring party, they say we're going to slay a beholder, and I'm going to be the tank.
>I ask what sort of arms and armor I should bring.
>They say, "Don't worry about it. The beholder will close all 11 of its eyes. It's bad enough looking at you with two eyes."
>I don't get no respect, I tell ya.

>My table gives me no respect
>You know you got it bad when your DM gives you Alter Self as a cantrip
>I go to cast it and everyone else gets a bonus
>Rotten luck at that table, lemme tell ya
>I pull out my dice, all the 1 faces got sunburn
>We ain't even playin' outdoors!
>Tell my DM that I wanna play Cthulhu for a change
>He says alright and hands me a character sheet for Azathoth
>"What's the gag?" I says to him
>"Well we've never seen you think for yourself and we all find it hard to look directly at you"

File: ELH54zgU0AAQayX.jpg (115 KB, 1199x1200)

115 KB JPG

>>70696913
>"Well we've never seen you think for yourself and we all find it hard to look directly at you"
Made me giggle

>I got lost in a town one time and wandered into a graveyard.
>I spotted a cleric and I say "Hey pal, I'm lost, can you help me out?"
>He casts turn undead!
>And when it doesn't work he walks me over to a grave and points to it, says "Is this where you were goin?"
>What a real wise guy, with a dump stat in wisdom. Hoh brotha.

File: 1021-7000090001753-07-105(...).png (126 KB, 500x562)

126 KB PNG

This fucking thread.

>>70692786
Kek, I heard him say it.

>>70696891
That could be a lot snappier, no need to explain the joke.

>>70696913
>>I pull out my dice, all the 1 faces got sunburn
Nice one.

>>70698484
I don't get it

>>70698826
The 1 faces are up so much that they got sunburned. That's it, really.

>>70695487
>>70695080
>>70694446
>>70694446
>>70693506
>>70693506
>>70695498
>>70695766
>>70695872
>>70696447

absolute shit. You faggots ruined the thread.

>>70699118
How about you fix it rather than complaining?

>>70699118
you can't even link comments without fucking up

>>70699160
eat my ass, incel. You'll never be funny.

>>70699133
And give humorless faggots actual funny material? Nah, get your own.

>>70699213
Dude, you're the humorless faggot here.

>>70699213
I wasn't even one of the anons you were quoting, you obvious tryharding troll faggot

>I get no respect I tell ya
>I was in a dungeon, found an old lamp
>it's kinda dusty so I give it a rub, this genie pops out!
>he takes one look at me and says "three ain't gonna be enough"
>no respect

>>70691324
and thus the Kirkhammer was born

(yes I know the sword does come out, fucking chill)

>I died for a bit, did you know that? Took 9d6 bludgeoning damage. My wife rolled over in her sleep.
>Anyway, I'm waiting in the afterlife while this cleric tries to raise me. See they don't want me in the afterlife either.
>Did you know there's such a thing as full body rejection?

File: jessie eat shit.png (147 KB, 242x332)

147 KB PNG

>>70699213
>incel
back to plebbit

>>70699903
oh, hush, little incel cock smear.

>>70700043
>look, mommy, i said it again

>I tell ya life isn't easy, my Cleric said I'm cursed, I said I'd like a second opinion
>he said alright, you're ugly too

>>70699869
>the cleric's standing there with a diamond, he casts raise dead
>I come back to life but he just stands there lookin' confused, he's still got the diamond
>then a heavenly voice rings out, "you can have this one back for free"

>I tell ya, I get no respect.
>Tried to fight a wizard the other day. He says "You were wise to cast mind blank before fighting me."
>I ain't even a caster! I tell ya...

File: Daft punk robots clapping(...).gif (439 KB, 500x378)

439 KB GIF

>>70680103
>>70680066
>>70683520
>>70683745
>>70687172
>>70688848
>>70700338
Made my morning.

>>70683047
Nice pun.

>So bad people die and become Larva on the lower planes. I asked my warlock friend what happens when bad Larva die. He says they come back as me.
>No respect I tell you, no respect.

>>70693367
Damn, this sounds exactly like him.

I was at the adventurer's guild, lookin' for work you know, and this guy runs in saying they've got a pack of hobgoblins trapped in a barn, need someone to finish them off
So I get over there, one of the hobgoblins pokes his head out, sees me and yells "Look boys, the cavalry's here!"

>>70702489
Then he takes a closer look, next thing I know the hobgoblins and villagers have trapped ME in the barn
I get no respect I tell ya

>>70696833
>How can you quest at a time like this?
>People are missing!
>We should try to find them.
FTFY

>>70699837
I just looked it up. I guess Bloodborne has a nice sense of humor.

So I was playing some shadowrun, decide I wanna play a face, real charming like. The GM turns to me and says there ain't enough fantasy in the setting for that. No respect I tell ya. Anyway I ask if I should have a fixer as a contact and the GM tells me there ain't no fixin that. No respect. So we get our first Johnson and the decker looks him up. Humanis-type. Guess we can't take you he says. I say I'm a human though. He says oh so you infected or somethin? No respect I tell ya, no respect at all.

>>70676564
>I'm goin' on a quest yeah, I'm thinkin' I'm finally on to somethin' here
>I get to the dungeon an the Lich says "There you are, I summoned you days ago!"
>And then you know what, you know what the party do, they start attackin' me!
>I get no respect, no respect at all.

>>70705149
Kek

No respect, I tell ya
Me and my buds come over to rescue a princess from a cult, they gonna be sacrificing her to summon a demon. So we get to the doors of the main chamber, swords ready.
I take point, kick the thing in. The princess is on the altar, head priest is about to stab her when he sees me. Suddenly, all the cultists are bowing to me.
"That's funny," the head priest says, "the demon usually appears AFTER we stab the girl."

So I turn up at the DMs place and I'm thinkin I'm gonna play am orc. The DM, he says listen here, this isn't an isekai. I get no respect, I tell ya.

So my world's getting invaded, let me tell ya, nids everywhere. Spores explodin all over. Real nightmare it was. And there I am, good imperial citizen, ready to do my part, so I go to sign up for the PDF. Fight for the Emperor and my planet, real hero stuff. The recruitment officer looks to his buddies and goes oh crap, now Nurgle's invading too! I get no respect at all.

>>70676564
>I can't find no respect in this town.
>After we got settled in the big Alliance city, me and my wife decide to go to a local restaurant. Big joint, really popular, with every adventuerer flying in on their pegasuses and unicorns and shit.
>Me and my wife walk on in, and the waiter takes a look at me and tells my wife "You can't bring your mount in here, it needs to go in the stables."
>I speak up, "Hey, I'm hungry man, let me in!"
>"We'll get you some food in a moment, just don't bite the other steeds."

>So me and this broad are drinking at the tavern, right?
>She’s tellin’ me her life story, says she’s a half-ork
>Lemme tell ya, her fractions were way off!
>But she’s a nice gal, we hit it off and she invites me to her place
>She takes off my clothes and starts pokin’ and proddin’ my midsection
>I say “Hey listen lady, the hell’re you doin’?”
>Says she’s lookin for loot
>”Slimes get gold stuck in ‘em, right?”
>Worst part is I couldn’t even say she was wrong, found a copper piece in my belly button last week, thought she deserved a chance to look, too!

So I'm doin a bard gig at the tavern and this broad walks in, real looker. Sorceress, I hear someone say. So I decide to go put the moves on. Soon as I start speakin, she casts Speak With Animals. Would you believe how little respect I get? None I tells ya.

File: 1FC5EB21-CDCC-4E21-9265-D(...).png (106 KB, 300x300)

106 KB PNG

>>70692605
>If you’re trying to date a girl, and she says her favorite drink is love potion, you do not have a chance.
>In fact, nobody has a chance.
>Hell, the only one with a chance would be the love potion!
>We know this because she keeps drinking it!
>All damn day!

>>70699118
retard

Stealing some of these for a shadowrun game Friday, thanks boys

>>70702469
Thanks, anon. That one took a while to get right.

>>70710550
I actually had to look up goodberries to get the joke. Now it’s stuck in my head.

>>70710590
>I tell ya
>I come into this thread and tell a joke
>The audience hasn't even read the player's handbook
>I get no respect around here, no respect

>>70710783
I don’t care much for DnD. I mainly come her for the Yugioh generals.

>>70700165
Yep, confirmed incel. Has that special whiny quality.

File: AD99A1B8-44C9-4809-9AC2-B(...).png (562 KB, 850x500)

562 KB PNG

>>70691097
>I keep seeing these land cards being different things.
>Arid Mesa: Mountains or Plains
>Scalding Tarns: Island or Mountain
>Verdant Catacombs: Swamp or Forest
>Somebody needs to tell these cards:
>”Man!
>Just be yourself!”
>I love ya the way you are, little brother!
>You have no need to imitate the other lands!

>>70711022
Shame you have to keep shitting up the best thread on /tg/, fren.

>>70693367
>I like goodberries, unless I’m with 10 or more people.

>>70711022
If I had a wojak, I'd post it just for you. Please, filet your forearm.

>My party, my dm, they kept pushing me around, I couldn't stand it no more, so I decided I'd be a rules lawyer.
>The dm kicked me out, said it was for practicing without a license! Yeesh.

>This Cleric I go to, I can't ever get any respect from him! No respect at all!
>I says to him "Hey, Doc! I'm dyin' out here!"
>He tells me to get some new material!

File: 170B05EB-8400-4D42-ADEE-7(...).jpg (24 KB, 640x360)

24 KB JPG

>I hate it when people say “I have an arrow with your name on it.”
>Excuse me; you wasted an inscription fee at the blacksmith to write on an arrowhead that you will never see again.

>That’s why I don’t like inscriptions on weapons; no matter how fancy it is, it will end up in someplace that makes it sound stupid.
>”I have this sword with the inscription “Light of Hope”.”
>”Where’d you find it?”
>”In a dark cave.”

>If I’m gonna inscribe a weapon, it’ll at least be something that eventually becomes true.
>It’ll be either “This piece of jagged metal will kill something.” or “The Bane of Whatever.”

>>70712357
This got me

My party, they give me no respect. I tell em I'm out looking for my kid. My boy left the farm one day and I'm here looking for him. Tell em he looks just like his ol' pop. My buddy says "Damn shame."

That's not the worst of it. We're in this village right? They say they've been fighting a monster, a big beast eating their cows. Party sends me a little side glance. I give em a look back to say that ain't my boy. The villagers then tell us the beast is a froghemoth. Whole band coulda broken their necks they turned so fast.

Now dragons, they don't give anybody any respect. I heard a story about a dragon that flew right up to a castle. Broke down the wall and went right for the treasury. Came back and told the king that he needed to come up with some more money.

So the king, scared for his life, taxes his lands to death. And I mean to death. Revolution, starvation, the whole thing. Dragon comes back and says "nah-uh, Imma need some more."

The king's beside himself "What else can I do? There is no more money in my land!"

Dragon thinks for a second. "What your neighbors got?" So the king goes to war.

>why didn't the dragon just go and take it himself?

I assumed he was tired from flying. Dragons give no respect you gotta realize this.

So anyway war is waged. Thousands dead. You know the Red Plains? This is how they got their name. And at the very end of this war, with all the death, the king goes and finds the dragon with all his bloody money. Dragon looks at this hoard and sighs.

"This the best you can do? I'm over this shit." and leaves.

>He left the money?

Oh no he took the money. Great guy, throws awesome parties. Tells great stories.

File: 1470082316395.jpg (25 KB, 330x472)

25 KB JPG

What a crowd, what a crowd! I see a lotta good-lookin' couples out there. I tell ya, I got no luck with the ladies. The other day I was dungeoneering, and I ran into a succubus. She said she thought of us as just friends.

I took a voyage at sea. The sirens took one look at me and got sore throats.

I went to the tavern to pick up girls. First girl I talk to says it wouldn't work out. I ask her why not. She says she's not proficient in animal handling.

The next girl I talk to casts a spell on me. The DM tells me I failed the save. I tell him I didn't even roll. He says "I know, it was a charisma save." No respect, I tell ya.

It was a Banishment spell. The nerve of her. But you shoulda seen the look on her face when I came back instantly, with RETURN TO SENDER stamped on my forehead.

>>70715745
Alright its not fair to post in this thread if you are literally rodney dangerfield

>>70705149
>>70715745

Damn.

File: tenor(5).gif (1.26 MB, 498x373)

1.26 MB GIF

I stroll into the church looking for some healing, I got a sore back you know. I walk up to the priest and say he's gotta help me. Wouldn't you know, he casts cure major wounds on my face. No respect. I tell him my back is killing me. He says he don't blame it. I tell ya. No respect.

He asks me how I got my sore back. I told him I sleep something on something awful. Why not get a new mattress he says. I tell 'em it won't matter. My wife takes up the whole bed.

bump

>>70676564
>I get no respect, no respect at all I tell ya.
>Just the other day, a doppelganger stole my identity
>he came by today so he could give it right back!

File: 1564001085905.png (215 KB, 898x766)

215 KB PNG

>>70680129
>Is this a threat

>So I decided to join a Vampire game. I show up for the first session and the GM says, "Woah, this isn't a LARP, you didn't need to put on that makeup and wear those old rags."
>No respect.

>After that, I give up playing in games. I figure I'll just review them online.
>Even then, all I get are critical failures.

>>70680611
subtle

File: s-l1600.jpg (465 KB, 1600x1066)

465 KB JPG

>Hickory dickory dock
>This orc was suckin' my cock
>I stick my fingers inside 'er
>Spread her open an' widen 'er
>Cunt had tusks to keep me in lock
>OH!

File: 338A04DD-D19D-4240-87EA-3(...).jpg (32 KB, 640x360)

32 KB JPG

>I want to give a changeling amnesia when he’s turned into a fish.
>He’ll have no idea why all the other fish are so dumb.
>”Man, you keep falling for the worm-on-the-hook thing. It is so obvious!”
>”Hell, I’ll do it myself just to get away from you people.”

>>70678728
How'd the elephant fit in your pajamas?

File: 159CC682-DADE-4282-BC68-1(...).jpg (299 KB, 1755x1158)

299 KB JPG

>I had this witch tell me to forget everything I knew about potions.
>So I did.
>And it was a load off my mind.
>She then tried to sell me potions.
>But I didn’t know what the hell they were!

bump

Enjoying this thread very much.

>>70715745
lol

>>70676564
>It's tough out there, I tell ya
>A vampire came by and said, "Help me out, buddy, I haven't had a bite in three days."
>So I bit him

>>70680089
Best ITT

>Our village was poor, I tell ya.
how poor was it?
>It was so poor the inn stole -our- towels!
>It was so poor that Mom cut holes in my pockets so that I'd have something to play with!
>It was so poor I saw a kid kicking some horseshit down the street, I asked him what he was doing, he said "moving!"

>My DM is cheap, I mean he is -really- cheap.
how cheap is he?
>He's so cheap, he made me use the Cheetos Nutrition Facts for my character sheet!
>He's so cheap, we throw his children instead of dice!
>He's so cheap, he makes us smoke at the table one at a time while the rest of us rub our hands over the coal to keep warm!

>I tell ya, I get no respect, no respect at all!
>The other day, I went into a fortune tellers tent, >"Do you want your hand read?" she says, and I tell her I do
>So she whips out a hammer and whacks me on the hand with it!
>"There you go, your hand's red."
>No respect at all.

>>70680103
>>70680632
>>70680919
>>70682981
>>70686277
>>70686602
(You) did good
>>70687172
and you did the best

>>70696913
quality

Making the rounds, eh?
>>>/co/112670126

>>70725684
There’s nothing wrong with that.

>>70706440
took me a second, good one

>>70713598
got me

>So's I go to this crypt, right?
>I find a damsel in there, real pretty.
>Try to rescue her and she just says "Nah I'll wait." No respect.
>Human fighter rescues her, they're making googly eyes at each other, I'm ready to throw up.
>I says to him, "One cliché for another."
>Turns out he's an eldritch knight, casts Polymorph to disfigure me. Then he really gets mad when nothing changes.

>I get no respect I tell ya
>last week I was trekking through the mountains and a bunch of barbarians start worshipping me
>I think to myself “Finally, some respect!” When their shaman comes up to me and says “Lord Kostchtchie has come to lead us!”
>No respect

>>70725684
Hi /co/.

>I thought to myself, hey maybe what I need is to interact with the people in my hobby more.
>I go down to the local friendly game store, and this obese neckbeared with orange dust on his fingers comes up to me and he says "Sir, this establishment has grooming standards".

>So I figured what the hey, maybe I oughta just stop playing games that rely on random chance. Yeah, Lady Luck says she's got a hundred IOUs on me.
>Started playing Diplomacy online, and in this one game I'm playing France and working with Austria-Hungary. I know the French and the Hapsburgs cooperating. What's next, bankers reading Karl Marx?

>Now I keep making suggestions to Austria-Hungary, and he keeps ignoring me, but he says to keep sending him messages on what to do!
>I ask him what gives, and he says he always does the opposite of what I say and he keeps winning!

>So I figure I need to go one on one, get a game without all this cooperation, I'll play chess.
>Five moves in and the pawns put me in a guillotine!

Best thread of the year so far.

File: 1556658671211.png (361 KB, 650x442)

361 KB PNG

>>70715745
>>70717535
Great work, anon.

>I like rolling percentile dice because they tell me what sound to make when I critically succeed.

>I get no respect. I decide to take a level of Ranger. The GM makes me the animal companion.
>I ask him how many HD I've got. He says "Buddy, the way you roll you should call them Miss Dice."
>Miss Dice is my wife's sister, by the way. They call her that because of the cleaver. Chop chop chop.

>The fellas give me no respect as a DM, no respect at all...
>They poke holes in my plots like Orthodox nymphos poke holes in bedsheets!
>One of 'em says they want a more dangerous encounter
>I says alright and invite my wife downstairs!
>I'm tellin ya, the only saving throw he got was the D20 he lobbed at her forehead as he turned tail and ran!
>But get this, he comes back next week with a blank character sheet!
>He says to me, he says "Your old lady around? I gotta figure out how she made that build!"
>I explained to 'im that she got so strong from tossin' me out of our bed every night

>whenever I try to heal, my party recovers from negative hit points just so I won't lay on hands
>no respect, no respect at all

>Hey, this thread’s all right!
>Haven’t seen this many people try to copy my style since the check for Caddyshack cleared!

Fuggery

File: goblin bean.png (3.22 MB, 2000x1087)

3.22 MB PNG

>>70692271
like so?

>I got sick a normal fantasy, so I played a star wars rpg
>First thing the jed in the party does it cut me in half!
>I say what gives, and she says whenever she was near my house she felt the force crying out in pain, so I must be a sith
>I say pal, only thing you're feeling is my marriage

>I get no respect, I tell ya, no respect. I show up to my GM's house. You know my GM, Vinnie Boombotz. Anyway, he's got a new screen. It's 4' tall and made of lead.
>Sometimes he throws peanuts over it. You know, like he's feeding monkeys at the zoo. I get no respect.

>>70730175
>Five moves in and the pawns put me in a guillotine!
kek

nobody did richard pryor or carlin?

>>70741454
You do them.

>>70715745
12/10

>It ain't easy being a paladin, let me tell ya.
>I was in town, figured I'd head over to the temple to show my devotion.
>I set foot in the door, next thing I know the priests are all trying to smite me!
>I tell them I'm a member of the order, and the head cleric says to me he says, "In that case, you better go repent for whatever you did to end up like that!"
>No respect, I tell ya.
>So I kneel down before the statue of my god and start prayin'.
>Suddenly, there's this booming voice in my head asking me, "Can you turn around first?"
>I don't have to take this, so I summon up my Celestal Mount to get outta there.
>She tells me, "I think we should start seeing other people."
>No respect at all.

still the best thread on /tg/ rn

>>70744158
A repost of a /co/ thread is somehow the best on the board, sad

>>70744307
It's not a repost just because it's the same theme, no need to be completely fucking retarded

>>70744339
Don't tell me how to live my life

>>70744307
This one was posted before the /co/ thread

>>70680184
>GET IN THE FUCKIN' SACK

>>70744395
>So I go onto this Mongolian goat-farming board.
>Pretty obscure, right? Lots of people who lost their license to practice animal husbandry.
>Anyway, these guys start giving me life advice!
>Can you believe it? I don't get no respect.

File: Big_Little_Book_-nn_John_(...).jpg (94 KB, 339x472)

94 KB JPG

>Did I tell you about this dream I had? Crazy dream. I had it while I was wandering through the desert, hiding in caves, eating lizards to survive. My wife's family was visiting.
>Anyway, I fell asleep and then boom, I was on Mars!
>The gravity on Mars ain't so good. They probably got it on sale. So I was 10 times stronger there than I was on earth!
>Still couldn't get the lid off the pickle jar.
>I could jump 10 times higher. When I was up in the air people kept mistaking me for a weather balloon. The Martian government classified me as a UFO: Unidentified Fatty Object.

>>70745177
>I tried to rescue this princess from a hideous slug-like monster. Oh, it was awful. It had bulging eyes, red skin, sharp teeth...
>Turns out she had a full-length mirror in her bedroom. I get no respect.
>I tell her I'm Rodney Dangerfield of Earth. She says she's Princess Arianne of Pluto and she really needs to make a quick trip home before we go on a date.
>Anyway, she asks if all Earth men are like me. So I say yes.
>They launched an invasion the next day.

vump

>I let this bard stay at my house. Big mistake. As he's leaving he says, "Thanks for everything, and by the way your wife makes love magnificently."
>I go running after him and say, "You son of a bitch, that's just not right!"
>He says, "I know, I just didn't want to offend you."

>>70745177
>The gravity on Mars ain't so good. They probably got it on sale
Not sure why but that's one of my favorites in this thread so far.

>>70714387
>Tell em he looks just like his ol' pop. My buddy says "Damn shame."
Hehehehehe

I tell ya, life’s hard in the astra militarum. Every time I walk out, the commissar yells “foul daemon” and the boys start beating me with their lazguns! I get no respect.

>Ya ever been so ugly that a basilisk won't even look at ya long enough to turn ya to stone?

>>70676564
I tell ya even out on the road I get no respect. I get stopped by a troll on the bridge the other day, he pays ME a toll just to get me to go away!

>>70676564
Has anyone submitted this thread to the sup/tg/ archive yet?

Kek.

>>70751925
Don't think so.
It's a good thread. Maybe it's better left dead.

File: mitch_hedberg.jpg (45 KB, 400x340)

45 KB JPG

>Paladins can't fall, they can only become fighters.

>Paladin temporarily a fighter, sorry for the convenience.

File: 11B39A79-B4BE-4659-98FC-0(...).jpg (10 KB, 460x259)

10 KB JPG

>>70756976
>A good thing about a witch’s cauldron is you don’t have to feel bad sneezing into them.

>You clear my sinuses, I finish whatever the fuck you were makin’.
>It’s a symbiotic relationship!

>I get no respect! My wife says I bring a certain special magic to the bedroom. Zone of Silence.
>Well I'll get her back. I'm going to see if I can find her the Eye of Vecna. Then her eyes will finally match.

>>70750565
>I tell ya, no respect. When I signed up for the guard they checked the box for "Abhuman" on the form!
>Then when I corrected them, they gave me a new form, but this one labeled me as Corpse Starch!

File: A-202258-1126518176.jpeg.jpg (8 KB, 233x300)

8 KB JPG

Eat this Goodberry. You'll feel better. It's just a Goodberry. Take it.

Damn it /tg/. Now I’m reading every thread in Mitch’s voice.

>>70762585
>When I read an online thread I always think, whose voice should I read this in? Because I did not write it, and I do not know who did.
>So I always try to read it in my own voice, but like I'm hearing it echo back to me in a stairwell. That way I can pretend it's just a further away version of me.
>Who is often also very rude.

>>70762708
I was expecting something along the lines of:
>I didn’t know voices could be considered a place.

>All I know is, you must’ve busted your ass getting in there.

>>70730800
Couldn’t it just be any dice?

>>70706680
I like this one!

>>70762974
A crit on percentile dice would be 0 00.
Oooh.
Get it?

>>70748299
Ouch.

>>70764155
Now, I get it. Not the Anon’s fault, I just don’t roll a lot of dice.

>>70713931
Pretty top tier desu. I can totally picture him saying this.

>>70696447
>I wanted to date a drow girl once, but I'm terrified of spiders.
>She said "That's okay, I like fear. Just treat me like you'd treat a spider."
>So I wrapped her in a napkin and threw her out my window.

>>70711081
Rewriting this, because I’m a perfectionist:
>I hate dual lands.........
>You go to your LGS, look at the Magic section for too long, you start to get pissed off at dual lands.
>You got Arid Mesa: Mountains or Plains, Verdant Catacombs: Swamp or Forest.
>Somebody needs to tell these cards:
>”Man!
>Just be yourself!”
>I already like ya, little brotha’!
>You do not need to emulate the other lands.
>I used to draw proxies of you...

>As a boy me and my buddy were trainin’ under a Master Alchemist
>The Master says “Alright boys, each of you get me a vial.”
>I grab an amber flask an’ my buddy grabs my arm!
>I says to him, I says “Vinnie, the hell’re you doin’?”
>”Buddy, when it comes to vile you’re the one to go to!”
>He’s an ass, but I gotta admit Vinnie can mix with the best of ‘em
>In fact he concocted the love potion that won over my wife!
>After the wedding I go back to him, I say “Vinnie, that potion worked like a charm! What’s it made of?”
>”80 proof vodka and a long-acting Color Spray”
>Friends like Vinnie are hard to come by, lemme tell ya

>>70678781
Good

>>70679596
>>70679726
>>70679999
>>70679500
>>70678781
Also good

I wanted to buy my wife something nice but I don't have any money. So I take up some work with the Thieves' Guild and they say they don't want me sneaking around, might give someone a heart attack. No respect.

They let me go around threatening people and that goes pretty good, right up until they start putting up wanted posters with my face on em. Those get taken down for public indecency. No respect, I tell ya.

So I take the money I made and buy my wife something nice. You know what she tells me? Why didn't you get a wizard to polymorph you into a human! No respect at all!

>>70707389
>>70699160
>>70699133
Mad faggots with no talent. No one thinks you're funny. Save comedy to those with competency.

File: came here laugh at you.jpg (33 KB, 640x480)

33 KB JPG

>>70766152

>>70759585
Heh

>>70691097
Who is this?

>>70699448
I like this one

>>70770901
Mitch Hedberg

>>70770901
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt-xcfyVmLU&list=PL2MtElzTEi6lYgc5jkjcJdEdq-3F4fnX3&index=2&t=0s

>>70766152
Thats crazy. But I dont remenber asking for your opinion sweet cheeks

>I tell ya, I get no respect. Someone was cussing me out for making posts in a thread! I said "Hey, pal, if it ain't your kind of humor you can go to a general instead"
>he says "No, I'm mad that your posts are shittier than mine!" I just get no respect.

File: 94D0A5FD-5591-430B-9943-7(...).jpg (285 KB, 650x360)

285 KB JPG

>I ordered a wizard to make me a golem, but he must’ve heard me wrong, because he said, “How would you like your sentient mine?”
>So I answered as best I could.
>I said “Excavated!
>Then sampled,
>then cut down
>then sculpted
>then jointed
>then put runes on the head
>then given speech!
>Damn, it’s gonna take a while!
>I don’t have time!
>Armed!”

>It's hard out there, lemme tell ya... the other day I bought a DM screen from the saddest clerk ever, I ask, "What give?" And she replies, "Somebody's got time away from work, and they have to spend it with you.."

>No respect, I tell ya.