>Trolls still refuse to occupy king's new commissioned bridge, claim "structurally unsound foundations"; King's speaker: "the bridge has been approved by the architects' guild, trolls merely 'baby eating relics'
>>75778206>Also tonight and magic mirror news: This common household familiars could spell your doom. Find out more, at 11.
>>75778206I'm with the trolls on this one. Never trust architects to design anything to actually be structurally sound. You need engineers for that. Also it's very common for contractors to just want to get the project done as quickly as possible, even if it means lowering the quality. They're generally happy as long as it lasts through the guarantee period, because if you have to do repairs after that time it's no longer their problem.
>>75778657>Not knowing what encompass the occupation of 'architect' during the middle ages.
>>75778206Bridge trolls are the only thing protecting our kingdom from leanoire raids, it's been that way since the days of Robert the OakI swear, this new king of ours has no respect for the oaths of stone and fang, hundreds of years of kinship and alliance, all down the drain, and for what?
>>75778668Robert The Oak, was in fact, an Oak, not a man with a funny nickname. It also wasn't a a smart oak or anything. During the interregnum wars a few centuries ago, the throne stood 'vague' (actually not vague, three different people claimed to be king, but none held the capital or overwhelming support by then) for six months. Without a living royal family member to appoint a regent, and the council In the capital knowing that any of them who reached for the crown would be beheaded when one of the claimant kings finally took the city, they named the Oak in the royal courtyard king.When Lysander, the Handsome, took the capital, he claimed and crown and as tradition, had to Oak beheaded. Thus ending the Reign of Robert, The oak.
>>75778684I like that story!
>>75778664What exactly? Explain
>>75778684I liked Oak, he didn't meddle in our business nor did he raise any taxes, altho his edict to destroy any birch trees was a bit strange
>>75778668>>75778684Exactly the kind of dumbass stories that would happen. You get a stamp in your stampbook, anons.
>>75778684>beheaded>no uprootedSo he lives still
>>75778859The law clearly states that the king is to be beheaded under such circumstances. Whether or not the king survives is irrelevant.
>>75778750Architects were often in charge of designing buildings, including structures, and expected to know how to make them stand up. There were not engineering colleges and official degrees, but the job of the architect entailed more than outward appearance of the building, like today, but also it's structural integrity. Engineers was a term often used in conjunction with 'siege' and 'ship', as far as I know. Somebuildings didn't even had official 'architects'. Many churches were planned by the masons who cut the stone to build it, alongside with the patrons (clergy) paying for it.
>>75778684A few particularly Anal scholars include Robert the Oak in the roster of kings, going as far as to create a coat of arms (A Green oakleaf in a field of sable) and a royal coat of arms (same oakleaf in a field of sable, with a golden grown around the stem) and in the case of Victor d'Earlen, Herald to House Balker, he included a family three for House Oak, which traced Robert's heirs to three saplings distributed by a previous monarch to monasteries around the country. He marks that as they took residence in a monastery, they would not actually be electible for the throne as they were now members of the clergy.
>"A renown dragonslayer caused a inflation crisis as they carelessly spend the gold they got from the dragons hoard"
>>75778206Reminds me of that time a dragon refused to kidnap a royal princess because she was adopted and thus "not a real princess", and the shitstorm of a lawsuit that followed.
>>75778894Trees of the cloth, not clergy. They were never ordained as priests.
>>75778684>>75778894I like this idea for worldbuilding. Imagine describing this cathedral that has stained glass windows depicting every monarch of the past couple hundred years. The last eight of so windows empty blue glass, waiting for a monarch. Maybe as the player first see the cathedral, there's a couple church hands carefully assembling the lastest window with the current reigning monarch depicted there. The oldest portraits are clearly based on mythic figures, done centuries after their death, but a few are lifelike enough, if stylized,, to be believed to have been made by contemporaries of the kings depicted. There's Laufred, the Just, with his notorious eyepatch. Somewhere is Lysander, the Handsome, manes of blond hair and a grin, at his feet, three swords representing the man he defeated in the civil war. Imediately before him though, where a king should be, there's a humble oak three with a crown around a section of it's trunk, nestled in between forgotten monarchs. Beneath is, reads the plaque, Robert, The Oak.
>>75778684Still preferred his style of rulership to that of Cedric the Bear. It wasn't even a secret that his and his entire bloodline were werebears. They'd trash the royal palace every full moon and everyone who challenged him to duels would end up "tragically eaten by wild animals" the week before.
>>75779325Oh I see now. The "bear" epithet is in reference to his homosexuality and how his strong gay lovers would kill potential duelists.
>>75779360Precisely. There've been werebears on the throne for centuries by then, practically every tenth child or cub in the kingdom is descendent from them somehow, but for the king to be a catamite is simply unnatural.
>>75778958This is the sort of nitpicking that makes worldbuilding great. Thanks anon. And I do not mean that sarcastically by the way.
>>75778684I love this.
>>75778684Me ol' man used to hav' some bench he claimed was made from Obert itself! Twas a gift to our family by Lysander, since I think my great-great-grandpa was one of his most loyal bannerman!
>>75778206>you now remember troll quest from witcher 2
>>75779839Oi 'eard that they haf made Obert into batterin' 'am, Oi haf. Calls it the Kingbreaka, they does.
>>75779889Some soldiers says 'is rings keep growing and beheaded or not the old Oak is living yet!
>>75779901Ya shittin' me?! This is some proper cursed object if I ever knew one then! Might the king still want revenge?! Or he made a deal with the devil?!
>>75779981Don't tell nobody nuthin' but I 'eard tell that there wuz some among old Oak's cabinet who became a "splinter cell" when his highness was executed. Claimed they did their work best under a silent monarch they did.
>>75779981Ah, you fool, it just means ol' Robert is still upholding his duty as protector of the realm! We should be grateful for such a caring ruler.Also rumor had it that one of his monastical descendants, Sir Quercus, had an affair with a beech from a nearby forest.
Many architects and engineers fail to check reference books or completely ignore warnings made by tradesman... The trolls might be right on this one. I say we get a third party to come inspect it.
>>75780346I'm sorry, if trolls want to be heard in the kingdom I say they should first band together into a proper guild. There exist something known as the proper channels in this realm. We can't allow this creatures to bully us into changing legislation when everyone else has been playing by the rules
Legend says that the sons of robert made a pact with lysander's yoingest son, Charles the black, he who was twice exiled and thrice crowned, when he was residing in the country side: as long as the forests of old walden were left untouched, the beasts of the land would serve his bloodlines every word, but should this pact be broken, the trees themselves shall march on morstone keep and rip the crown off the kings headAll myths I assure you, we tamed the trolls and were-things with our own might and charms, but I do find it entertaining how creative peasants can be
>>75780145>"splinter cell"This deserves recognition.
>>75780682They just thirsty for some water. But don't let them drink too much, they'd become Wetads.
>>75778684Now you guys are telling me King Robert was an oak tree?! I have been copying texts about Robert the Oaf for 6 months! Sometimes I swear in the Lord's name...
>>75780693Ba dun tss
>>75778859I heard, from reputable sources, that minister of defence and his people stopped at least 3 attempts to awaken Robet the Oak with the help of some unscrupulous druids.
>>75778874This made me laugh so much. It's something I'd expect to read in a Discworld story. "Beheading" a tree is also sometimes done to get a thick and tapered trunk for a bonsai tree but still keeping it small. Reminded me of this quote from Going Postal:>"Never forget that the crowd that cheers your coronation is the same crowd that cheers at your beheading."I wonder if people cheered when Robert the Oak was beheaded.
>>75781564Well for the occasion they introduced some bards that started rhyming in their songs... I believe they call it Poet-tree.
>>75781785Wood is known to groan at the recitation of such "art", men too for that matter.
>>75778684More like Lysander the Usuper!Long live King Oak!
>>75778206>Trollking O-Sha is determined to making sure that all bridges that trolls might use to shelter are safe for his troll people
>>75782860Opposers of Lysander and other members of the Crevaux dynasty often invoke Robert's name, or proclaim loyalty for the Oak King as a way to be subversity and contest the rulership of Lysander's defenders without necessarily taking the side of the others, defeated in the civil war. Eventually this form of casual rebellion took other shapes, such as displaying acorns or oak leafs in a very low key display of questioning the monarchs right to rule.
>>75782939>Lysander the Usurper. Some here in Earlen call you a hero, but a hero doesn't use a power like the Axe to murder his King and usurp his throne. You started this war, plunged the Kingdom into chaos, and now the Rebellion is going to put you down, and restore the peace.
>>75782939Much later, liberal revolutionaries would use the Crowned Tree on their flag, to symbolise the equality between all men under the rule of nature. Movements in other nations often substitute local trees or flowers for their standardsReports that the revolution started when the king at the time was pelted with acorns by a crowd are apocryphal, but often repeated
That moment when some of the best worldbuilding I have ever seen on /tg/ sprung from a silly thread premise into something great.
>>75780346I vote for gnomes. Gnomes always have the people's best interests at heart.
>>75783341Turning joke/shitpost threads into something good used to be a tg staple.It's nice to see it happening again
>>75783089Historians look upon the realtively short reign of Lysander Crevaux kindly. For all the man's personal faults, he built infastructure, crafted longstanding diplomatic ties, did away with the archaic aeldwini army structure and replaced it with the famous lysandite system that would inspire great conquerors such Cedric the Bear and Archemond the Red. However, the gigantic increase in tax, his hatred for the arcane, and his fondness for his bannerman's wives, especially those of his former enemies, did not endear him to all of his subjects. His reign would last for ten years until he was overthrown by a coalition of the magus guild, the merchants guild, and the firey Duke of East Melthain, promptly beheaded along with all his sons, all but young Charles the Black, who was hidden by his mother and sent into exile among the common folk. The regency that would follow this bloody coup would be known as the Second Oak Court, as they claimed to be the chosen stewards of Robert the Oak.
>>75781564>I wonder if people cheered when Robert the Oak was beheaded.Shockingly, we have an answer for this because a low level clergyman happened to keep a diary around the time.The short version of the story is that the beheading of Robert the Oak was more akin to a coronation celebration. So yeah, people did cheer was Robert the Oak was beheaded, and the beheading was a bit of a stage show.
>>75783404Nobody is worth voting for, nobody can be trusted, nobody has our best intrest at heart, nobody deserves to rule and nobody cares.I therefore vote for nobody as nobody deserves my vote.Faceless God for King!
>>75780489It's not that easy. I'll spare the nitty gritty details, but an old truce actually means that the trolls are sort of their own sovereign entities. So it's less that we're being petitioned by an unorganized guild (like the "ratcatcher guilds") and instead with a foreign power demanding we honor a long standing agreement.Also, I cannot stress this enough: you do not want trolls organizing. That's, you know, how we wound up with the treaty.
>>75783854Fuck off leanoiran, we've told your priests no every fucking time you try this shit
>>75778894Did you know the monks of Castelchêne still use ink made from the Oakgalls of one such tree to make copies of the charters of the realm? Its true! They say its only once their copies made with the "blood of princes" have entered their archives that the writs are true and right, and they've certainly got the best collection of records you're ever likely to find. Damn near every king and duke ends up going to consult them eventually.'Course, they do say Monks make the best forgers. Would certainly explain Edward the Boar suddenly discovering he was in line to the throne around the time the Abbot got that Dowager's bloody great inheritance.
>>75784656You'd think so but true nobility wins out. As all scriveners know iron gall is damnably caustic to mere woodpulp but the acidity of princely blood varies according to the truth or falsehood of what is writ. For this reason the monks say their records are incomplete as the family tree learns what of history were in fact lies, lies and damned lies.
>>75783932Trolls actually are pretty organized creatures, if you understand how their organization works. What passes for lawless bringadism, what if taking over kingdom bridges and charging toll, is actually a highly regulated activity among trolldoms.An infant troll or an adolescent one would never be allowed by other trolls to take over a bridge, and not all bridges are worth 'keeping'. Keeping an unworthy bridge is a big faux pass in what passes for 'society' in such a lonely creature. Every twenty or so years, this ancient creatures will abandon their posts to head towards a trollsmoot. Trollmoots can gather trolls from hundreds and hundreds of miles away, and in the whole continent, we only know of three locations of trollmoots, implying trolls from the whole land had to one of those.Trollsmoot are not simply political occasions. Trollmoots are also essential for the reproduction of the species, for you see, female trolls, much as male trolls, leave alone. There's no such thing as a cave troll. Female trolls are simpler bigger trolls that take upon caves rather than bridges. Hill trolls aren't smaller trolls. They are adolescent trolls that haven't yet taken up their bridges, passes or caves.In the trollsmoot is when male and female can copulate and produce the next offspring, and where the bridges each troll keep are used for bragging rights. The size of their expected hoard, prestigious of their bridge and age are all relevant factions in who gets the most attention for females and thus pick their partner first. Hill trolls attend the trollsmoot in hopes to 'claim' a bridge by reciting a verse about it to the oldest of trolls.Despite this huge centralization of thousand of trolls coming together, for the other 19 years every 20, they are extreme solitary creatures who interact way more with humans than other of their own species.
>>75779889>>75779839>>75780345>>75780145I was taught they made him into a ship, and one night he went sailing off to parts unknown. Me mam used to tell me stories about all the great heroes he'd carry on their journeys and how he'd always be ready to take them home again. I tell my own son the same stories now I'm a Da. Do you know, just the other week he painted some oak leaves on the front of me boat, just so I'll be safe when out on the waters? I don't know if its magic or not, but I tell you, I'm much more careful out there now.
>>75784656Edward the Boar was a good king. And I know...But before you pull out the pitchforks and torchs, hear me out:While it's true that he wiped his fat bottom with the Chart of Settlement and the Sylvian Accords, and I won't deny he likely did make passes towards the Sivarin ambassador and was partially responsible for the War of the Three Roses that followed his death...We can all agree, I think, that Edward the Boar was a lazy fuck.Well, his laziness is no doubt part of what inspired him to create (or order someone to create), the position of Arch-Seneschal. An institution that in latter years would greatly serve the realm helping manage the kingdom, by placing competent man in charge of finances rather than we living at the whims of each monarch varying level of incompetence. And I know, I know...Edward did name his own nephew for the position for a bit. But what his son did with the office when his father died, giving it to the Chairman of the Banking guild, is really what helped the realm stay afloat through the Vermillion Crisis. We can agree on that, yes?
>>75784782I'll never understand why good king charly signed a pact with these barbarians, sure they keep the borders tidy but they're annoying shits who kidnap children and eat goats whole sale
>>75784870Is good season to be on them waters I 'ear too. Lotsa'em fishies out there and in da norf da folks be on whalin' and we ought haf a neat little winter if we haf a could harvest of da whale oil, innit?Me pa was whaler, y'see. 'e told me of the Kingship too. 'cept 'e said the kingship be protectin' da coast from the demonboats that come to land and rape the womenfolk. Got meself a demonboat laddie from when me wife was raped by a demonboat. Ain't that bad, oi swear. Seven babes, 4 survives and of those 4, three are mine.I call'em laddie Sourcream cause demonboat ladies be pale and blond.
>>75784889Edward ate and fucked the kingdom into a hundred years if debt. A millenia of cervaux policy went down the drain in five years. He nearly lost the troll alliance. He lost all the gains the bear made for fucksakeI swear on lysander's balls I will decapitate you if you call the boar a good king again
>>75784890Now look Charlie, if I've told you once I've told you a hundred times, Adelmar didn't kidnap your girl. She's shacked up with that kid two towns over with the greasy hair. He DID eat your goat, but he did apologise when he found out it was yours. And you did let the thing just wander over the hill and yonder. What did you expect was going to happen? Hell, we all thought about doing it, Adi just got there first.
>>75784889Pig by name, pig by nature. If the man had put even half the effort into ruling as he did into feasting and fonging we wouldn't have had the Vermillion Crisis in the first place. What the hell was he thinking, just letting the Hillderlanders just take the vale? Even if he couldn't be bothered to get in a scrap himself, all he had to do was let the barons do their jobs. He should have been good at that. Great time for mummers though, my great grandad made a mint on the pub circuit even with all the extra trollbridge taxes he had to pay travelling everywhere. Even did some gigs for the royal court - that story about the Sylvian ambassador, the troll and the mead-tun? All true, and I've got the bag of teeth to prove it.
>>75784870Heard that too, but I was told that the helm of the ship had broken off, bled some red sap, and it was later refashioned into a wooden crown!... Well folks up north says it was a spear... or a banner. What I'm getting at is whoever got the thing is the rightful king! Well that's childish to believe, but hey, a man can dream.What's not fairytales however is that Robert has more living legal heirs! My old man's pa got some papers about our family tasked with planting and safeguarding some acorns!
>>75785393The Vale! The Vale! What's with you southlanders bellyaching about the bloody Vale every turn? Are we forgetting the Valelanders invited Hecatous the Black and the Hillderlanders into their own land to oppose the crown in the first place? If you ask me, the Crimson Crusade had the right of. Putting the lot to the sword.
>>75784889His patronage worked out well too. Cost half the realm and almost bankrupted the other half, but our universities and religious orders flat out wouldn't exist without him. Those big stone buildings and cities full of people who just learn all day didn't come cheap. Hell, only reason he pulled that shit with the Sylvians in the first place was cause we didn't have the paper to get his libraries started. Priests and Professors don't like to talk about it, but every student in the realm knows they only exist because a drunken fattass wanted party guests he didn't have to talk down to.
>>75785528What's with all ye frigid northern cunts believing that BLATANT bit of convenient royalist propaganda! My ol' man says Hecatous took Jarl Crookedshank's son hostage, and his ol' man said it too, and so did his ol' man, and even his ol' man said it, and he was there at the time - so there ye have it! The Crusaders butcher'd innocent men, women and bairns in their homes, so they did! I ever do kitch ye sayin' sem shite 'bout "it wis justified" again, I'll break ye in half and nail yer liar's tongue to yer forehead - wit' yer teeth!
>>75778206>”We spoke with a troll on the ground, Grog Grumb to get his opinions. How are you doing Grog?”>”I’m doing well Persephone, thanks for asking.”>”Why do you refuse to stay under the king’s new bridges?”>”Well I know what the architects say, but you’ve got to understand. Those bridges aren’t reliable. Sure, they’ll hold up to a trader caravan or something. But a wandering dragon minstrel transformed into an old man? A conqueror riding on elephant back? No! Because they aren’t meant too. This bridge here was build by the old Dwarf empire, I once saw a ancient dragon and his three wives walk across this, did not budge. Those new thing, they’re crumble under that weight. Now, your home’s destroyed and you have an angry dragon on your head. They just don’t think about the standouts.
>>75784890The child ransoming hasn't happened since the accords, though they will take delight in scaring the bejeesus out of any youngins that wander close. As for livestock they'll eat any that wanders too close to their holding so just make sure your fences are good and strong.
>>75786277It's said in the universities that Edward was ultimately setting the kingdom to run itself. Of course, it's just a saying. We all know learned man are good at learning and bad at applying knowledge, but every now and then, the scholars and the university produce useful things. I mean, if you ever had the pleasure of reading a fully illuminated Treaty of the Ephemeral Nature of the Tangential, by Great Sage Rodrick of Liostown, you will know he advanced transportation magic by leaps and bounds alone. We tend to forgot but navigating by waystones wasn't around three generations ago. When a wizard teleported before, it wasn't just spending all that cash in ritual finery and risking arriving inside out. Was also making a vague prediction of where to land and having a margin of errors of a dozen miles and a couple of weeks. Waystones have reduced that to what...A stone throw, perhaps.Never teleported myself, y'see. I am not a rich man. I only apprentice at the university because my sister is a witch so pa and ma got offered to have me apprentice her in exchange for her going to the Black Tower to learn too.
>>75778206I've been living under bridges since before this kingdom was even founded. I know my bridges. It used to be, the architects and engineers would build a bridge that would last; the kind of bridge where a man can set up shop and start a family. Ever since the crown started taking bribes from the architect's guild to allow for lower quality standards and faster production turnover, the bridges around here barely look like they could support a merchant caravan. I hope this place doesn't end up like the last kingdom to settle on this plot of land. I was just starting to get comfortable here again.
>>75786453When was the last a dragon ever even thought of resting on a bridge far less actually do it. They land to rest not walk.
>>75778206>The troll has never lied to us before, I'll trust his judgment
>>75778657>you need engineers!Engineers are nigger faggots dude shut the fuck up. I've done contractor work for fucking cell towers and you don't have a God damn clue, when those crayon munching desk jockeying faggots with cum drizzling down their noses draw up designs they don't give a fuck.U-bolt supposed to be up and out so if there's no hardware workers know, and don't set a God damn foot on the unstable antenna boom 200 feet in the air?FUCK that draw them upside down and demand the auditor follow the plans during the VAPBoom pipes too long and smack into eachother, forcing the work team to nigger around with a literal ton of metal hanging in the air above a school yard during recess so they can saw off the pipe ends because retard faggot engineers can't do math right and don't fucking care if their crayon drawings are bullshit?Dude shut the fuck up. I'd unironically trust an architect over a fucking engineer any day of the fucking week, month, or leap year faggot. You are brain dead retardditor shut the fuck up
>it's fine that the boar over turned a thousand years of economic and foreign policy to get his dick wet>it's fine that the boar destroyed our religious unity and almost killed monastic culture because he threw a fit about being his father's second son >it's fine that the boar lost huge swaths of fertile land that took three decades for the bear to conquer>it's fine that the boar left the kingdom's treasury in ruins and basically sold the capital to the banker's guild, something we still haven't recovered from to this dayAnyone who suggest Edward of Melthain, or as the good abbot of prince's grove calls him, the shame of our people, was a good king, needs to be hanged on robert's gallows. I refuse to acknowledge the boar or any of his cursed blood as king
>>75786278Oh sod off! You an' I an' 'im all know that the whole hostage situation was a farce spread by the young Jarl Crookedshank, not the one in question whom was not kidnapped mind you, to keep his lands after allying with Hecatous to exterminate the Vale's local bridge trolls! And don' you go spoutin' that southern lying spit you call words! Me pa's second wife's sister's father's 'alf brother was fightin' in the crusade, an' he saw no trolls put to the sword! We all know you southerners butchered 'em with Hecatous cause Jarl Crookedshank didn' wan' deal with them cause we all know them trolls are a loyal bunch to the crown after the treaty so long as we keep the bridges to their liking. I spit on the Vale and the traitorous Southern Jarl Crookedshank killin' them loyal trollish Patriots for his ambition! The great bleedin' didn' spill enough of the Valelanders blood for wha' they did! And don' you got sullyin' them crusaders again you... Hillderlander sympathizer!
>>75786453Oi! You see, he all but says it! This isn't about how well the bridges are built. Its about who built them. The thrice-damned trolls and their bloody nostalgia about Dwarfs. You believe them, any stack of rocks that's been standing for more than two decades was put there on purpose by a Dwarf a few hundred years ago! Its all pining for some golden age that never happened. Not to mention political maneuvering. Who do you think taught Trolls to live under bridges in the first place? I 'ent never seen a bridge just built itself.You see, the damn blighters live near forever. All the bridges worth a damn with a Dwarfen mason's mark on them are already taken and those old toads are stuck in their ways. They don't want to actually get out and claim a new home because that'd be work! So how do you stay Aldertroll at the Trollsmoot if your bridge gets outshined by a bit of human ingenuity and elbow grease? You spread rumors like an old maid. Spouting nonsense like "you heard yer old nan knew a good lad who thought he could live under a man-bridge and he didn't last a week before a wagon carrying iron bars smashed through and crushed him to death. Dwarf-bridge would have kept that up. A Dwarf-Wagon is already made of iron so they would know!"Bollocks! Now I hear the young trolls are making trips to King Olfnir the Grim to try to convince him that it was a mistake for them to ever abandon these lands to live under the shadow of their supposedly holy mountain. Practically inviting foreign invaders all because of some cockamamie story cooked up by their jealous uncles who've gone green with envy at the spectacular bridges these young 'uns get to live under.
>>75788285The full magnitude of the positive effects of his reign are just too subtle for you to grasp.
>>75787659I unironically believe all modern tech is pipe cleaners and popsicle sticks and engineers are the retarded children eating glue and snorting glitter, forgetting the process of the thing they're making before it's even done. Good to see I'm not wrong, seeing perspectives from adjacent fields.>t.Validation Technician
>>75782890O-sha is doing his best to improve safety, yes, but so much red tape is hard to follow and has prevented many troll construction projects from taking off. Remaining compliant with his rules is more difficult than you think.
>>75778206Trolls live under bridges, if they don't know structurally unsound foundations then what do they know
>>75790802Badgers live in burrows. Do you think that makes them good at geology?
Someone's gotta save/screencap/preserve this thread somehow, this is amazing. I love the legend of Robert the Oak.
>>75791499Dr. Badger is the foremost specialist in soil decay and erosion in the Primrose Academy, I'll have you know.
>>75787659>an engineer fucked my wife
>>75778668Greyskin hands typed this post
>>75791499When was the last time you saw a badger burrow that collapsed?
>>75791499>Badgers live in burrows. Do you think that makes them good at geology?I think it makes them qualified to know if a burrow is good.
>>75780917No no. Robert the Oaf was the royal jester of King Lysander. Name so as mockery of the entire affair. After the war the King grew
>>75778657I'm just a simple carpenter but them trolls are really pushing their own standards on us. Yes they've been apart of the kingdom for as long as I can remember but carpentry has changed. Times have changed, we've now all got wizard sticks and fancifull measurey thingabobs provided by the guilds wizzards. They have done us a good and these trolls refusing to trust architects is bad for local business. Ever though what would happen to if word gets out that our trolls don't want to live under a bridge. Us carpenters in this here kingdom won't get business from no where else.
Let me tell you when I opened this thread i didn't expect that good and enjoyable worldbuilding, here. Mad props, anons.
>>75791556Really hard to notice when all his classes are a snore-fest. I regret taking them as extra credits.>>75791679Then what happened to the Oaf?
>>75792624Like he said, the king grew. The jester made fun of the king's new size, and this was a sore spot for good 'ol Lysander. He had him executed. Thus, ultimately, Oaf and Oak shared a fate, just years apart
>>75778206>Get goblins out of caves with this simple trick! Adventurers are furious!
>>75783281>>75783757Many villages celebrate "Robert's Day" as part of a larger harvest festival. On Robert's Day the common folk set up a picnic in front of an appropriate tree, usually but not always an Oak. Activities start with a recitation of the tree's pedigree, invariably tracing is "roots" back to a Robert the Oak, and a claim that the tree is the rightful king. In the case of elms and other trees this often involves a story about scurrilous rumors of infidelity. Trees are usually given names like Robert the Younger, Rootbert Robertson or Robert the Spruce.From there the village will play Robert's Rules. Villagers will take turns giving decrees in the tree's name. Common decrees are "Robert decrees that festivities begin." "Robert demands all loyal subjects enjoy themselves." "Robert declarer's all children must give Grandma hugs" etc. In some places Robert's Day festivities are ended with the burning of King Lysander in effigy, sometimes these effigies bare a resemblance to unpopular nobles or local notables. Robert's Day is unpopular with the church and even more unpopular with the nobility due to its subversive elements. It is outright banned in several places, with various levels of success.
>>75780917>>75792664Screw it, I'm not going to rewrite the last six months because you jackasses though it would be a good joke to switch the names... Robert's now the court Jester promoted to king, and I'll go to my room to pray alone!
>Last night the anti-sorcerer protests in Ilroc intensified, with some angry wizards going as far as throwing fireballs at the mages' guild hall. Despite the mounting violence, the mages' guild still refuses to accept the demands of the protesters and deny sorcerers membership due to their inherited magic.>This morning in a press conference, Duke Veren made the following statement:>"We will not listen to violence and give in to these rioters' frankly exclusionary demands. Despite their innate tie to magic, sorcerers are as much mages as wizards, artificers, and warlocks. I will stand firm, and I refuse to accept these elitist demands, especially when delivered as violently as this.">In the same press conference, Duke Veren instated a state of emergency within the duchy. Any and all riots will be shut down by the town guard, according to the sheriff.
>>75792908>The best and most popular king this kingdom has ever known was literally a vegetableReally tells you something about the usage of absolute power, eh?
>>75778206Ignore them, they're just trolling.
>>75778684That may be so, but Robert the Oak was a better king than all three of them put together!
>>75780489>he wants the trolls to band together into a guild.The last time that happened, the forum of local basket weavers nearly upended the entire kingdom and that's how we got Robert the Oak in the first place!
>>75783281Verily, I suspect the druids are behind this.
>>75783404>gnomish claws typed this postWhen shall we have a final solution to the gnomish question?
>>75778668>Troll Lives Matter>Thin Troll Line
>>75784997Can confirm, Greesy Hair Baldwin is my brother in law, and I saw that wart faced daughter of a bitch hanging off his arm three days ago.
>>75793075“The best government is that which governs least”There might be better kings. But none that fit a goofy boxing day like festival.
'ate kings'ate bridges'ate trolls ( not racis, just don' like em)Simple as
>>75793474Is this a recount of the 1283 rampage of the ancient wyrm Vermiberia Perniciosix?
>>75778206>Trolls still refuse to occupy king's new commissioned bridgeAnd that’s a bad thing?
>>75793756Yes. For one, troll presence is a mark of prestige, and trolls aren't just tollkeepers, they are also protectors of the bridges of the kingdom, preventing the poor and penniless from freely travel
>>75793304(((They))) have been controlling the kingdom for years, but nobody wants to admit it. I bet you money they're to blame for this troll fiasco. With no trolls guarding our bridges, goblins can just stroll right on into our villages and take our women.
And so another great thread falls to /pol/faggotry.
>>75794006Creativity is not allowed in the age of memespouting.
>>75794006Two shitposts does not a downfall make and things were slow anyway. If you really cared you'd add lore like so:>>75793133What used to be ubiquitous protection rackets have been softened over the years but never quite smoothed away entirely. Trolls are well known for their habit of making nuisances of themselves to badger people into doing favours out of the desire to be free of annoyance or occasionally just for the joy of attention itself. It's generally agreed that local authorities who get excessively perturbed by this behaviour are too hot-tempered to hold power in the first place though a few have been known to subtly divert sewage under the bridges of particularly onerous offenders.
>>75793910I thought trolls just ate people. Less trolls means less peasants bitching to local lords about how their friend or family member got killed by a bridge troll.
You know I got a cousin down south that could sell you some Ogres... way cheaper and less whiny than Trolls for the same results if you ask me.
>>75794356Ogres are less water resistant, less territorial and have a total different culture involving nomadic lifestyles going back thousands of years. To say they're the same as trolls is an ogre simplification.
>>75794279>I thought trolls just ate people.Only when people try to cross their bridge without paying the toll. Although if you can, paying the toll in meat isn't a bad idea, if you get what I'm saying.
>>75794091The old sewage trick used to work much better before young troll girls worked out that sewer networks were like urban cave systems and then eventually started bringing up their little 'uns in the mire. They're pretty much used to any foul stink now. Speaking of, mybrother is a tosher in the capital, he tells me there's a few Troll matriarchs what have started domestimacating the feral sewer pigs. Bit weird, but at the end of the day bacon's bacon, right?
>>75794506Yeah, that sounds like you’ve got a troll problem and are still in denial about it. You know, have you tried hiring adventurers to kill/chase them off? It’s a lot easier in the long run to make the one-time payment than having to deal with an ever-shrinking workforce every harvest.
>>75794752What? No, only idiots and adventurers get eaten. The rest either don't travel, or aren't stupid enough to try to cross the bridge without paying the toll.
>>75794798Bet its a kingsman or an architect guilder trying to stir trouble. They can't get trolls to live under their own dungeons, so they're trying to force them out all over. You know I had some bigwig trying to get me to say a word against Abelard? Yeah, he's got a goat problem but apart from that he's basically harmless. He even pitches in at harvest time, which is more than I can say for the useless biddy next door.
>>75794798> It’s not a bug! It’s a feature!That’s you, that’s how you sound right now. Especially since eventually the king’s going to want to come visit your estate and how exactly is he going to feel about having himself and his entourage harassed by some troll? He’s going to be pissed and you’d have to be deluded to think otherwise.
>>75794917So let me get this right, you'd rather we pay a huge sum of money to some useless adventurers to get rid of the troll and then hire someone to take care of the bridge on top of that? Money doesn't grow on trees, lad.
>>75788636Well, bad news for those trolls I'm afraid, been traveling from that direction and news had it that the Dwarven holy mountain had just become literal. Apparently Olfnir the Grim had one too many dark portents and ordered the excavation deep into the mountain. Something about becoming obsessed with 'the Stone of the Mountain' of Dwarven legends. And then he made the Dwarvenlands closed to any outsiders, this was ten months ago. Three weeks ago, I heard that the entire mountain blew up, local wizards and priests detected high levels of divine energies still around. Just be careful traveling there now, there'll be a lot of divine radiation from the fallout.
>>75794974What? No! Get someone to get rid of the damn troll and leave the bridge alone, as in no toll. It’s not like it needs to be a toll bridge, and last time I checked trolls don’t exactly hand over their income from their tolls to anyone, let alone the lord or king. So what exactly are you gaining from leaving them there? I will have you know I did pay adventurers to drive the trolls from my lands and since then my twin has become quite the trade hub (guess merchants hate being harassed by trolls too) and I have hosted the royal family many times, enough that, not to brag, I have the king’s ear. Actually keep your trolls, I’d rather not have the competition.
>>75795205Which ear is that? King Robert was an Oak, and none of the other kings have lost their ears... unless it's king Hallond the Leper. Short was his reign.Or maybe you've mistaken it with king Barley-Corn from the next kingdom over?
>>75794752>>75794903Are you not processin that we have a whole social compact with the creatures? You want us to be the Boar all over agin, and burn the whole treaty, all because you think different? You get that any 'adventurers' doin this are assassins who are goin to be declare enemies of the realm, and rightly so? The trolls keep the marches safe!>A progression of foreign termites in the south had many worried that their favorite trees would eaten by the bugs. The nobility invited the druidic Circle of the Ebon Stag to come found an enclave, to tend to the land and keep the forest healthy. the Circle did so, but being druids refused to exterminate the bugs, instead managing their presence. While many find this well enough and done, the Circle's constant presence, and tendency to turn the festival and political celebration of random trees into a static religious process rubs many the wrong way. Some accuse them of being ready to unleash both the termites and other pests as political threats.
>>75795205>I will have you know I did pay adventurers to drive the trolls from my lands and since then my twin has become quite the trade hub (guess merchants hate being harassed by trolls too) and I have hosted the royal family many times, enough that, not to brag, I have the king’s ear.Yeah, and I bet your bridge is going to collapse in a few decades at most. Good luck getting any traders coming there after that. Bridges need maintenance too, you dolt.
>>75795268It’s a metaphor you inbred hick. But it’s King Pug II if you must ask. The most wealthy and beloved of the royal houses.
>>75795347Oh, him! Yes, I do agree with his economic reforms and better peasant reimbursements. A free headpat and a bellyrub after work really takes the stress away.
>>75778668Trolls have been always in part of this kingdom?Didn't you know?That's what the great sorcerer Miahia Molochmann told us...What?Miahia is brainwashing our king with foul sorcery and is pushing more and more trolls and beastmans as an occupation force? That's bollocks!The great cabal of sorcerers have been the friends and greatest allies from the kingdom for at least 100 years!You are full of hate! Those evil imperialistic elves rotted your brain with their charms and evil spells!
>>75795927>100 years!5, they’ve been our allies for the last 5 years. What’s more, they’ve been a tenuous alliance at best
>>75795268>Or maybe you've mistaken it with king Barley-Corn from the next kingdom over?I remember that guy. Me and my two buddies cut off his legs, stuffed him in a vat and ground him between two stones. All in all, a good night.Though those bastards with the crab-tree sticks are way overpaid for what they do.
>>75795927>>75796324Foreigners who have no knowledge of robert the oak and the packs forged by good king charles inorder to retake his throne from gunthrill of whitehall must leave this instant. I swear, the king should have given an order to the trolls to never allow the new serfs we got from the 7th vale war into our heartlands, all they do is sow confusion and disunity. Must be agents of Harald bloodsack sent to cause trouble in our ranks
>>75787659dude just use bonk
>>75791546I made an archive request on Sup/tg/ under the title "Of Trolls and Trees", so it should live on with the threads of old.
>>75798360Oak-based and veneer coated, anon
>>75784709>You'd think so but true nobility wins out. As all scriveners know iron gall is damnably caustic to mere woodpulp but the acidity of princely blood varies according to the truth or falsehood of what is writ. For this reason the monks say their records are incomplete as the family tree learns what of history were in fact lies, lies and damned lies.Remember: the most truest mark of nobility, as any historian or scrivener might attest, is whether there is someone with an axe standing right there right now and of course your master is most noble, there is no question of that, and can you put the axe down now please?
>>75800420Spoken like a peasant. A true scrivener will devout himself fully to his task, no matter the state of the outside world. Any that would debauch his work for fear of some base barbarian will see his family line terminated and himself executed, ink of prince's blood tells all
>>75788285At the start of Ed's reign our monasteries were basically uninhabitable and many monks had turned to begging. It got so bad we don't even know who some of the Lysander dynasty were because no one was maintaining the records of them. You can talk up the virtue of poverty and magic oak pulp disintegrating in the presence of lies, but pretending the Pig corrupted some shining institution ignores centuries of decline and neglect of our religious orders before him.
>>75794006Someone had to say it
>>75778206Trolls fill an important niche in the ecosystem by eating stray babies.
>>75800538>Excerpt from "The Defence of The Most Noble Traditions" by Abbot Eudo of Castelchêne. Although the Defence is a masterful summation of legal arguments which is still cited to this day, Eudo sadly did not live to see its success, having been devoured by wild animals shortly after presenting it to the King's court for comment.
>>75778206I’m just saying that if a kingdom can’t adequately defend it’s own bridge or provide a structurally sound one at that, maybe it deserves to be attacked
>>75801377I think that's true for a lot of flaws attributed to Edward reign. He receivee a failing kingdom and in his neglect things that have been in the process of breaking for decades, centuries even, finally broke. But he wasn't the originator of the issues. Merely the unlucky oaf where the issues hit critical mass
>>75805466Then you deserve to get sodomized by a bridge troll like the dumb raider you are
>>75778206Why do we need a troll under the bridge? There's a whole miriad of other beings out there that care much less for the structual integrity of bridges and make for better security. Why not lay out some sand beneath the bridge and invite a sphinx?
>>75806186We need the trolls BECAUSE they care about bridge integrity and structural security
>>75778206>After these messages: have leprechaun migratory patterns been changing lately? Royal alchemists belive it might have something to do with witchcraft
>>75800420It's ambiguous, either the royal tincture has some measure of magical power and would consume the page its on rather than knowingly print out lies or the monks concocted it as justification for constantly updated facts (tm). Even if the first is true what business do trees have evaluating truth and even if they are sound judges they remain notoriously slow thinkers.
>>75807859The princes need no qualification or justification, they are royal blood, sons of robert the oak, who have chosen to serve our kingdom and our gods as justicars and champions of truth. They are more qualified than any man by virtue of their nature, and you are in no place to question the timeliness of the holy. Peasants, the lot of you.
>>75778766And the wording, "Trust no birches", was quite dissimilar to any royal decree before or since
>>75808077Oh indeed, their judgement's sound but they get the facts they judge from those gossipy feathered bastards. It's not the trees I mistrust so much as their messengers.>>75808085Turned on his mistress something fierce did old Robert. But then I did hear that when her bark were peeled by errant lightning it revealed ring upon upon ring and the king knew he'd been bewitched by an enchantreess who'd stolen his royal seed under false pretences and vanished among her birch kinswoods.
>>75787659I read this as the ramblings of a goblin architect and it's perfect
>>75778206Say it with me: the best thread on /tg/ right now
>>75787659>I don't know how to read technical drawingsGood luck designing anything more complicated than a fucking screwdriver you uneducated twerp
>>75789759I heard O-sha had begun working with the wizard I-osh to try and standardize guidelines between kingdoms, but I can't see that going far since their recent falling out
>>75808085too be fair he was backstabbed by his wife who was a birch, i can imagine why he was rightly pissed off.
>>75808892And just where is that meat mage Efdi-Ayesi? Still approving the salted meat of the Wall Market?
>>75778206Explain like I'm dumb Bugbear: what is this thread all about?
>>75810012Monarch trees and unstable bridges
>>75806319>We need the trolls BECAUSE they care about bridge integrity and structural securityAnd how, exactly, do they know what that is? I visit with my local troll a couple times per year (I get him sloshed on turnip wine so I can rob him blind of whatever valuables and bribes he might have collected, which is completely fair play as far as most trollkin are concerned) and I have never seen any signs of masonry or carpentry. I suppose that "it doesn't move when I push it" is a kind of rudimentary test but why should a troll even care? Most trolls are so tough that a bridge collapsing on them would be more of an inconvenience than anything else and most bridges are so important that they get rebuilt - by actual craftsmen - in a hurry. Hell, given their aversion to sunlight a troll probably wouldn't be any help at all during construction unless the team is working through the night and even then I can't imagine a hypothetical helpful troll doing anything more cerebral than heavy lifting.
>>75811292>And how, exactly, do they know what that is?The same way they know when the kings orders are really the kings orders, natural intuition> (I get him sloshed on turnip wine so I can rob him blind of whatever valuables and bribes he might have collected, which is completely fair play as far as most trollkin are concerned) He lets you do that because he finds it funny, most trolls have an understanding of human values and can't really get drunk because of their massive livers(bastards bleed me dry every time I go to port to sell my wares, and then they sell my own bottles back to me AFTER I'M DONE TRADING, half of them were empty too) unless the troll is young and new to the whole bridge job>I can't imagine a hypothetical helpful troll doing anything more cerebral than heavy lifting.Some trolls can actually be rather intellegent at times, I know of a few who only accept books and other such things for payment, though they're pretty rare
>>75812270>The same way they know when the kings orders are really the kings orders,Nobody except the king and those to whom he directly speaks "know" what the king says; for everyone else it's a matter of trust.>natural intuitionHow reassuring, given the profusion of bridges in the natural world.>He lets you do that because he finds it funny,Like I said, fair play.>most trolls have an understanding of human values and can't really get drunk because of their massive livers(bastards bleed me dry every time I go to port to sell my wares, and then they sell my own bottles back to me AFTER I'M DONE TRADING, half of them were empty too) unless the troll is young and new to the whole bridge jobYou don't know the chamomile trick? If you add chamomile to alcohol during the ferment their tolerance for drink goes right out the window.
>>75812413Camomile is a myth
>>75812450I know for a fact that it isn't, but you have to add it fresh during the ferment. You can't boil it, you can't add it after the yeast stops working and the dried herb is no good at all at any point
>>75811292I reckon its a bit like bird plumage or deer horns or stuff like that, something to attract a mate. You know, the old "look at my crenelations, aren't they great, please touch me willy". You and I both know there's no lengths to which a man won't go in search of a willy-touching, and if its sturdy bridgework what does it for the troll ladies then by the Gods that's what they'll be on like a Hogshead in a nunnery. I'm not a scholar like >>75784782, but I do know our local one gets really weird about his bridge every decade or so. Polishing the stonework every day, clearing that stretch of the river of weeds, one time he even paid some of the lads to re-mortar some bits that needed doing. I know my brother only bothers to clean his hovel if he's hoping for company, and he stinks worse than any troll I've ever met, so it makes sense to me if we're similar like that.
>>75813049You're describing housekeeping, not engineering. Your example would be like me saying that I know how to repair a foundation because I mow my lawn and repainted the guest bedroom last year.
>>75813049This man might be on the right track, a few years back a female troll passed by our bridge and our then troll got really excited for a bit, until the charming lady dropped a massive shit on the fine stonework (thank god it was a stone bridge, I think a wooden one would have collapsed unded the weight) and moved on dismissively. Our troll stopped eating after that and was later found to have drowned while lying face down in the shallow stream beneath the bridge, whether this was intentional or merely the troll falling over in his sleep/hunger induced coma we don't know.
>>75813163Tell me you collected that. Troll feces have such high concencrtration of the nitrate alchemicals, they are really valuable as fertilizes. And the right alchemist can also process it to create crystals that can them be ground into a fine, stupidly explosive powder.
Once served with some hill troll auxillaries in the king's army during the last war of the vale, apparently the lads get rowdy in the country side with nothing to do so they volunteer whenever a war happens to speed up the whole getting a bridge process. Weirdest fucker's I've ever met, and my wife is a were-deer. All they ever did was mock the ways humans talk or tried to scam us, that is until we reached the enemy territory, then they just couldn't shut the fuck up about how shit we are at building, not just bridges but everything. One time they just started fucking chucking rocks at a brothel out of nowhere and didn't stop until the whole thing was crushed, then they just rebuilt it all in a day to prove they could do it better, and expected thanks
>>75816599Of course we did, we couldn't just roll it off the bridge into the stream now could we?
>>75807764Leprechauns don't migrate, those are the sluagh.
>>75816981For the last time Gerrard your wife does not take on animal farm and follow you into the forests, you're just a hunter what likes to dip his wick in them does and whose wife doesn't raise the issue for some reason or other. At this point I imagine she too goes on the prowl for studly stags.
>>75816981>>75820815Yeah, that's silly. Demographically speaking it wouldn't be too unlikely for her to be a werebear >>75779387, but were-deers are vanishingly rare in these parts.
>>75820840Never did believe that the royal line got all pelted because of a divine blessing, if that deviant keeps at his philandering in the forest I wager we'll have a new bunch of were-beings soon enough.
>>75820815>consorting with beastsWe should all remember the old proverb:"Brethren before does".No, I'm sure that's the correct phrase, farming tools are more important than deer.
>>75823261Depends on how hungry one is.
>>75792908>Robert the Sprucefucking legendary
>>75820815SHE'S A FUCKING WERE DEAR YOU NUNCE SHE JUST DOESN'T LIKE CHANGING IN PUBLIC