I tell you, I don't get no respect.
>rescued a princess from a dragon
>soon as i take my helmet off she says to take her back!

>>84249364
>I put on my plate armor, the buckles fall off!
>I get some water from the well, the bucket falls off!
>I mount my horse, the saddle falls off!
I'm afraid to go to the a bathroom!

>I see a thread about me on, 4channel.org. the traditional games board
>OP spells my name “Danagerfield” in the filename!
I tell ya, no respect at all.

>My party and I were happy for the entire delve. Then we met.
>I’ll tell ya, my cleric and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
>One night I went to the tavern. I figured, let my party come on. I’ll play it cool. Let them make the first move. They went to the Sword Coast.
>My cleric told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My cleric cast lesser restoration. She ran a tab.
No respect.

>I rolled a war-cleric. A real toughed-up guy.
>So my party says to me, "We need a healer."
>I says to them- "Heal her? I hardly know her!"
>They traded me in for a druid with more charisma next tavern.
No respect. There's no respect these days.

>Our party needed passage across the sea
>So I go to a captain and say, "hey buddy, got room for a party?"
>He takes one look at me, and he says to me, you know what he says?
>"Sorry pal, but you're a whole festival."
No respect, no respect I tell you.

>>84249804
Gentle chuckle

>So I find myself in Avernus after the city falls in
>Nearby Devil flags me down, tells me he can help me get home
>I ask him if it'll cost my soul for him to get me outta here
>"To get you outta here? This one's on the house."
No respect, I tell ya

>“Alright, so the group encounters a slime.”
>”And after they met my agent, we all started rolling up characters!”
>But seriously folks, it’s rough out there.”
>”Had to go to my local healer for halitosis, lunatic shoved a Diamond down my throat and started chantin’!”
>”Hey doc, what’s the gag?”
>”Wish spell. Somethin’ died in there!”

>So there's this rough lookin' halfling - Timmy.
>Oh, he's a character, and not of the player type.
>Warts on his warts and a smile that shows off all of his tooth.
>We got a plan, see. Stand next to Timmy and it's all of the sudden "Wingman."
>Works great. Girls love him.
>So he gets their party invite and I get the tavern table all to myself.
'S a tragedy, I tell ya.

none of these are funny

>>84253424
Suck a fat one, zoomer faggot

>>84253424
No respect at all

>>84249364
Can't catch a brake with these dames you know?
>Asked to take care of a Medusa holed up in some abandoned mansion
>Turned the place into a fine art meusuem of victims turned to stone
>Fight our way through and she gives me the once over
>Said I was too ugly to turn to stone

The ol' neighborhoods's getting rough I tell ya, just the other day I caught caught by a drow an- I swear it's true - he took one look a' me an' gave me alms.

I tell ya

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>So I saved a bunch of animals from an evil circus ringmaster
>I'm walking these little critters back into town and you know what the mayor says to me?
>He says ''Hello adventurer, ya brought the whole family!''
I tell ya, no respect, no respect at all.

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Having a great time here. Great. Got sent out. Onto this little planet. "Whaddya call it?" I was askin' 'em.

'Oh, it's mrmrmrmrmrmmmm'

It's a---what? Say it a little louder, purple pants. He says it out loud, I can't fucking believe it, the goddamned planet is called MURDER! I'm with a bunch of Space Marines on a planet called fucking Murder, OHHH!! OOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!

Fulgrim grabs a new sword on his way out, now I'm getting pegged three times a night by a daemon bitch! Still better than my second divorce, but still....OOOOOOOH!!!!

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See, I love smoking, but can this Mortarion asshole give me a break? I'm trying to walk back to my cot and this guy's blowing it out like he's rolling coal on a Tesla. I bump into three different Death Guard on my way back, I tell 'em "Sorry, couldn't find my way out of the cloud, the fucking Marlboro Man decided to join the Crusade...."

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>>84260976
See, I love smoking, but can this Mortarion asshole give me a break? I'm trying to walk back to my cot and this guy's blowing it out like he's rolling coal on a Tesla. I bump into three different Death Guard on my way back, I tell 'em "Sorry, couldn't find my way out of the cloud, the fucking Marlboro Man decided to join the Crusade...."

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>>84250534
This got me good

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Nah, no, I'm good, I'm okay, really.

No, but seriously, what do you call a dead elf?

Good riddance.

Nah but seriously, fuck those pointy eared little bastards. A-heh heh heh.

I mean, REALLY? They live for a thousand years?? Yeah, fuck that, I'm 38 fucking years old I'm already sick of this, heh heh heh.

>>84253424
no respect

>>84249364
>I once encountered a lich.
>This guy, let me tell ya, he was on a warpath. He was killing everything to put in his undead army.
>This guy, this guy... He took one look at me and said, "Sorry, I didn't know you were already taken."

No respect, no respect at all.

>Fire Bombs and Tanglefoot Bags
>This is how fucked up alchemy is as a profession, that the same geniuses that came up with the idea for the Fire Bomb also decided to make the Tanglefoot Bag
>One explodes horribly on several people, sticking to and burning their skin until they writhe on the ground and die! Just *fwoomp* AAAAAAH, dead!
>The other, a useless but amusing toy. Utterly safe. No one ever died from getting gummed up by a Tanglefoot Bag. Rated for children of all ages!
>That's all that alchemy produces. Mindless, harmless distractions, or sick sadistic fucking weapons of war
>And some of these professionals, some of them will carry both
>Man, you really gotta be glad when one of these trigger happy creeps hucks something at you and you escape immolation. Perhaps they decided they didn't want the inconvenience of smelling your burning hair and melting fat. Or, maybe they just reached into the wrong bag. And these alchemists, that's all in a day's work for them.
>What a fucked up profession...

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>>84262709

>>84249916
Kek.

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>>84250809

>>84262721
>>84262709

Excellent

I tell yah its tough out there being a ranger
I got a dumb animal companion. what a dumb dog I tell yah
His favorite bone is in my arm!

Please fuck off. Boomer comedians aren't funny and deserve the rope along with the rest of them.

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>>84260987
>See, I love smoking ese, but can this Mortarion cabrón give me a break? I'm trying to walk back to mi cama and this guy's blowing it out like he's rolling coal on a Tesla. I bump into three different Death Guard on my way back, I tell 'em "Sorry ese, couldn't find my way out of la nube, the fucking Marlboro Man decided to join the Crusade...."

>>84263639
>Flosses as he leaves the thread indignantly

>>84263639
No respect.

>>84263639
You tell 'em, xir! These problematic chuds need to die off already! #TheFutureIsFemale

>>84263639
Where the zoomer comedians at? Too busy playing games against society to make a funny joke?

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>>84253424

>>84263667
Fuck you Anon I was gonna do that.

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>the premise, is simple
>just take the most annoying thing a dm or player has ever done in the game, and write down, as a thread on /tg/
>YOU'RE GONNA BE FAMOUS!
>SCREENCAPPED IN AN XP TO LVL 3 VID
>BOOM!

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>so they put me up at this local place while I'm doing the show in town
>I can't tell you what its name is, but let's just say they have an affinity for crimson reptiles

>this robe is "magic cleaning only", which means, it's dirty

>I walked into a shop and got a potion the other day
>the shopkeep asks if I wanted a writ of purchase
>I said no thank you I do not anticipate a time when I will need to prove I bought a potion
>As if I would have the writ filed away in a handy haversack. Labeled P. For Potion.

>I love copper pieces. Copper pieces are great for when you're greedy and you want 2000 of something

>I find that rust monsters' opinions of me vary greatly based on whether or not I have armor

>I was at a royal banquet, and they called for the next group of guests to be seated
>"Companions, party of seven! Companions, party of seven!"
>And then they'd wait a while, and they'd move on to the next
>"Stick, party of six! Stick, party of six!"
>I think to myself...how can you eat when people are missing. They could be trapped in a collapsed mine, or banished to the Abyss
>And on top of all that, they are hungry
>It should go like this: "Stick, search party of six! You can eat once you've found the Companions"

>>84264582
Just pick a jewish comedian and sprinkle it with yiddish.

>>84253424
This one is
>>84250534

>>84250534
Most of these are great but this one really took the cake. 10/10

>>84267586
quality

>>84267586
Perfection

>>84262709
i can hear him saying this as i read it

>So I went down the path of a prestige class I thought looked pretty cool
>Just my luck, wouldn't you know it but the class is garbage
>So I asked the DM if I could just scale things back, but he refused!

No respec I tell ya, no respec at all.

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>We were on a drop ship to a Hive Planet. Guardsman next to me asks me "Is our backup really behind us?" I says "No, I think we got them beat."

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>An ogre goes to a telegram office.
>The guy behind the desk says "Do you want your telegram read?"
>The ogre goes "BURB GRUB BUR SLAK BURG."
>The guy says "I noticed you have five words. Do you want to add an extra? It's free."
>The ogre says "No, that wouldn't make any sense.

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>They say if you're afraid of homosexuals it means that, deep down, you're actually a homosexual yourself.
>That worries me because I'm afraid of Orks.

>>84250534
hehe

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>The trial of Lord Soth moves into its fifth day, with a controversial decision by the judge to allow Soth's lawyer to try on the headwear supposedly worn by the death knight on the evening of the murder of his elven wife
>The jury seemed impressed at first, but reactions were mixed when Lord Soth blurted out "Hey, careful! That's my lucky stabbing helm!"

>The archlich, seen here with his wife, gave a speech today where he clarified his opinion on the subject of gay marriage in his realm. While he has relaxed some standards that may allow for gay skeletons in his Night Horde, he remained firm that homosexual marriage was unacceptable.
>He also said, quote, "And hey, I'm not too fond of heterosexual marriage either"

>Today marks the anniversary of the unfulfilled prophecy, when the god Aroden abandoned his followers and failed to return to the world, leaving dismay and confusion in his absence.
>...or so the Chelish would have us believe

>A new study finds that, contrary to popular belief, while women are responsible for more minor divine judgements, men are responsible for the greater proportion of calamitous outrage from the Queen of the Demonweb Pits
>For anyone wondering why the percentages on this chart don't add up to 100, it should be noted that it was made by a male
>It should also be noted that joke was written by a male. So. Now you don't know what to do.
>Haha, just kidding, we don't hire men

>Reports of wandering quadrones have raised concerns that the Great Modron March has started a full five years ahead of schedule
>Such an occurrence would undoubtedly lead to law and order breaking down across the Great Wheel as Primus struggles to account for the discrepancy in the infinite clockwork
>And who is is behind all this? That's right: Tordek.

>>84274482
>>84274555
Oh come the fuck on I was typing for a really long time

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>>84249916

>So our lizard barbarian comes up to us carrying a big mask
>Says it's so the children in town don't get scared
>He puts it on my head!
No respect

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>You know I used to be in a blood cult.
>I mean I still am - but I used to too, man.

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>>84274555
Best Norm in the thread

>>84249364
Fucking ogres I swear to good.

>>84249364
>Be monk
>King makes me fight some champion before he'll hire me
>After the fact, he says he doesn't need a bard.
>He's convinced I was dancing, not fighting
No respect I tell ya

>>84267586
I miss him

I fucking love this thread and I'm too tired to come up with something but have a bump anyways

>>84261038
Based

>>84249364
Shut up jabberjaw

>>84277746
Rude.

>A list of the world’s top 25 amusement dungeons >was released this week with Tomb of Anihilation >coming in at #1. Not making the list, Kyle’s rape >dungeon."

>>84274694
Good one

>>84274027
Underrated

I love my wife but I tell ya she's ugly, an ugly woman! Just the other day a buncha bandits come raiding! They take one look at my wife and fail their fort saves!
But I tell ya she's ugly, a Beholder saw her and said "I can only do so much"
She's fat too, boy is she fat! She climbed outta bed and had to roll a natural 20 not to break it!

But I tell ya I'm not much better. I'm old and outta shape! I need a belt of giants strength just to pull up my pants! I tell ya, I hopped on my horse and needed a long rest!
I went to see my doctor, you know him Dr. Vinny Boombatz, gave me a physical, told me to start roll my death saves!

>So there I was in the tavern, and I met a female bard.
>I asked her if she wanted to join my party.
>She said seeing me made her want to join a convent.
No respect, no respect I tell ya.

This is a good thread

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>>84249364
Notice how no one's done one of these for a female "comedienne" yet

>ELVES BE DRIVIN LIKE THIS
>BUT DWARVES BE DRIVING LIKE THIIIIISSSSS

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>>84286875

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>>84287325
It's true, it's true! We're so lame!

>>84286875
First to say what?

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>Gotta tell you folks, I know a good adventuring party when I see one. And when I see one I'll let you know.
>C'mon Bard, laugh it up. I laugh when you play.
>Oh don't laugh at him Eidolon, your Summoner had a bigger joke.
>Oh, that's your waifu? Well they say love is blind.
>And now I'll introduce a Fighter who needs no introduction, he needs a better edition.

>>84261038
>Bill Burr is a dwarf.

>>84288704
Imagine Boston Dwarves. Working the docks, talking shit, getting drunk...

I can see it.

>>84288352
Google Kiribati

That much you get spoonfed

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> A KNIGHT WALKS INTO A BAR. HE SEES AN ELF BEHIND THE BAR.

> A SIGN READS “ CHEESE SANDWICH $1.50, HANDJOB $ 10.00”

> “ THE KNIGHT ASKS “ ARE YOU THE ONE WHO GIVES THE HANDJOBS?” AND THE ELF SAYS “ YES I AM!”

> “ WELL WASH YOUR HANDS BITCH, I WANT A CHEESE SANDWICH!”

>>84263708
>>84263720
>>84263740
>>84263883

No comedians are funny, you dumb dipshit(s). It's manufactured humor, which is compounded by the fact that the guy appeals to Boomers who all should get the rope.

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>>84292342
>it appears people are having fun
>time for /pol/, /leftypol/, or /tttt/ to trash the thread
kys my man

Captcha: NYGAY
Even captcha is calling you a fag

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>>84291560
rip in piece

>A CLERIC WALKS INTO HIS WIFE'S BEDROOM CARRYING A RUST MONSTER

>HE YELLS "THIS IS THE MONSTER I'VE BEEN FUCKING."

>HIS WIFE SAYS "WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"

>THE CLERIC SAYS "SHUT THE FUCK UP I WAS TALKING TO THE RUST MONSTER."