You stand in what has recently become your cell, in some dead-end country town in the middle of England.Your name is SULLIVAN SINCLAIRE, but your fellow members of the QUASI-MOB just call you SUDS.You're well known by your brethren and the police of NYC for your tendency to always have a few sharp ends hidden about your person. These country bumpkins have no idea who they're dealing with, of course.You are here with a purpose: Bust out your two fellow quasi-mobsters before the FEDS arrive to pick you all up.It's currently 12:15 AM, and you have until dawn before the feds arrive.What will your first course of action be?(Majority vote within 10 minutes, though I may overrule this if I see something I really like.)(Roll a d100 so I can determine what to pick in the case of a tie.)(Rolling 95-100 will result in a critical action, the higher the better.)(Rolling 1-5 will result in critical failure, the lower the more severe.)
>>119739Look around for weak points in the cell
Rolled 56 (1d100)Pick up the knife shards.
Tap out a morse code signal on the wall, find out whats good.
Rolled 97 (1d100)lift bed to reveal escape tunnel
>>119765>97Well that's it critical success. It's been fun but I think this quest is over.
>>119765>>119765Critical success to a magnitude of 3!You heft the bed onto its side to reveal the work of a previous inhabitant. You wonder if they're still looking for him.It seems just wide enough for a thin frame like yours to fit through.You emerge outside the building holding the spare cells used when the main building is full. It doubles as solitary confinement for troublesome fellows.Your chums are in the main cell block, about 50 meters away.
Rolled 40 (1d100)>>119851Sneak around.
>>119887You sneak around to the back of the main building. It's fairly late at night and the night shift at thisparticular police station don't seem to know what can go wrong when you leave cells unwatched. Yet.You draw your backup switchblade.
You don't have any particularly good ideas, so you just walk into the station, pocketing your switchblade for later.The warden on duty is sleeping at his post. You don't know where his fellow night watchman wandered off to.The cells holding your quasi-mobster comrades are down the hall, but you need the keys to free them.
Sweet dreams bobby.The keys have to be here somewhere.>Check warden's pockets>Check desk drawers>Check under the man's recreational literature
Rolled 29 (1d100)>>120259>Check under the man's recreational literature
>>120296You check under the copy of LADIES! LADIES! to reveal some keys.You've seen enough cell keys in your time to know that these are not what you're looking for.They must be his house keys or something pointless like that.You doubt you'll ever use them, but you pocket them anyway. It's not like he's gonna use them. You also pocket the magazine.Never know when you're gonna need a bit of reading material, y'know? Such is the life of a quasi-mobster.Two options remain:>Desk drawers>Pockets
The sound of approaching footsteps through the grass outside inturrupts your intense contemplation.The other cop was probably taking a piss or something.
>>120495Grab Warden's gun ans point at the coming officer
>>120513You pat down the wardens pockets and find a bump you recognize. It's a Webley with two bullets in it. The careless guy mustn've reloaded it after the last time he fired itearlier today during the heist your friends got caught during.Or maybe he can't afford bullets. Either way, ammunition is limited.You point it squarely at the doorway and wait.
Rolled 92 (1d100)>>120772Get out of prison
>>120779You back out of the prison through the front entrance, hoping to circle around the second copper.There's not much here, so you peer around the end of the building and see the second officer enter the side door.You hear him start to casually greet his friend before stopping in the middle of the sentence, probably noticing the gaping stab wound.He is now in an alert state.
Rolled 19 (1d100)>>120953Hide in the grass
>>120958You hide in the grass near the trees to the side of the block.The officer is probably making sure you didn't realease any inmates. You don't doubt that he's noticed his friend's missing firearm by now.
Instead of endlessly posting "You wait." until someone gets tired and rolls for you to shoot yourself, you decide to be the girl.You are now MATILDA MINTS, but your fellow quasi-mobsters typically refer to you as "MISSY".The circumstances that lead you here are long and bothersome, so you'll be curt:You and SUDS were sent overseas to England to meet with the away team to hopefully assist in spread the filthy fingers of the quasi-mob into some foreign money.In the time between now and then, you and SUDS met with your fellow agents of the quasi-mob at their base just outside of London. For your first operation overseas, you and SUDS decided to keep it small scale: Robbing a small bank in the countryside.Unfortunately, you were ordered by your superior to bring with you a new member in order to give them some experience. During the operation, the newbie was put in a position that meant either shooting a bunch of policemen or being caught. Obviously, he couldn't do it, getting himself and you caught.You have no idea what happened to SUDS.Now you have no choice but to bust yourself outta here before the feds arrive in the morning.You can hear one of your jailors approaching.He sounds agitated.
(guess I'll just come back to this later)
Rolled 44 (1d100)>>121263Sorry you aren't getting much traffic OP. You have nice enough art and you seem motivated. I say get ready to seduce the guard.
Rolled 89 (1d100)>>121263Just saw this from lurking. Pinned.Roll for seducing guard.
Rolled 31 (1d100)>>121263Hide under the bed.
Rolled 60 (1d100)>>121403Grab a coneniently loose bar and beat the guard with it
>>121714>>121979You unbutton a couple more inches down your ill-fitting vest and undershirt in an attempt to reveal a little more of your meager chest.The guard peers into your cell, his baton drawn. He asks if you've seen your buddy around here.What? Green-ears grew a spine?Well, whatever he did to get outta there he didn't come by to tell you, so you tell the guard you haven't seen him.You ask the guard if he's married.He says no.You ask him if you wants to be.He says no, and walks away.Your feminine wiles are a little lacking.Well, back to figuring out how to get outta here.
Rolled 80 (1d100)>>124419bust the wall open with your fist
>>124504You wind up a real doorknocker and send it wallward.Succeed in breaking your fist and nothing else. What the hell were you expecting, a little man with an enchanting sense of fashion to pop out of nowhere and whisk you away?The pain makes you tear up.
Rolled 80 (1d100)>>124613I was expecting you to break your fist, you got a problem with that?Scream and whine about your broken fist so that a guard comes to shut you up
>>124687All the better for the ruse that you definitely planned by ruining your dominant hand.You scream and whine as loudly and obnoxiously as you can manage.The officer is back.He asks you what the matter is.
>>124770Scream bloody murder and demand to see a nurse or someone in the medical field to mend your hand and reserve some of your dignity.
>>124796Doing your best impression of a dying cat you inquire as to the whereabouts of the medical staff of this facility.He says there isn't any, this is just a police station.What do you mean there's no doctor here!?You lay on the crocodile tears.He shakes his head and offers to take a look at it through the bars.Your distraction is going great!
>>124904Rip pants off
>>124916You rip your pants off.It's not a very cold night. Quite pleasant, actually.
>>124958Look for an exit
>>125095You look for an exit out of the outdoors.Oh look, there's one right there.
>>125198You break off the doorknob easily, but you don't have any pockets.You just jam it down with the other knob.
Rolled 3 (1d100)>>125250Look around for something more interesting than a broken door.
Rolled 53 (1d100)>>125373Well, since there is no escaping the door.>>125250Try knocking on the door. Maybe there's someone on the other side.
>>125373>>125381Critical failure to a magnitude of 2!You fail completely to find anything more interesting than this completely ordinary door.Godamn, just look at this thing. Fucking fantastic. How the hell did the knob just fall off when you pulled it? Who the hell knows, but hot damn it has you enraptured!
>>125401(i'm an idiot)
Rolled 44 (1d100)>>125401Make a mental note to name your autobiography after this door. While you are at it, see what else you can do with it since there is no getting away from it just yet.
Rolled 19 (1d100)>>125401rip the door off its hinges so you can take the incredible masterpiece with you
>>125399>>125431You try knocking on it.Nobody's there.The pointlessness of these endeavours give you a good idea for a title for the autobiography that you intend to pen one day.Anyway, you're pretty sure there's really not much else you could do with this door, save using it for its intended purpose.
>>125439You'd like to take it with you to show it the world, but unfortunately after exerting all your might its hinges remain stubbornly unripped.You're beginning to wish you knew someone who could make your own hinges as sturdy.
Rolled 52 (1d100)>>125469You can't give up! You just need to come back later. In the meantime, enter the building.
Rolled 95 (1d100)>>125469Remind yourself to see a shrink later.
>>125479>>125504You give your precious little door a kiss goodbye.No, don't cry. You'll be strong. Strong enough to show the little guy all the joys this world contains.You critically succeed at reminding yourself to see a shrink later. You're not gonna forget that, anytime soon.You step through the doorway and see that guy you stabbed earlier, just as dead as before.You can hear chatter coming from down the hall.
Rolled 94 (1d100)>>125522Grab the switchblade.
Rolled 70 (1d100)>>125522Listen in on the conversation
Rolled 25 (1d100)>>125522Take his hat. It could be useful if you want to blend in.
>>125479>>125469Enter the building and search for the quickest way to reach your goons
Rolled 74 (1d100)>>125558oopsMake post haste to your friends! It's run and gun time.
>>125572You do realise we only have two rounds for our Webley right?
>>125546>>125548>>125556You head over to the wall next to the hallway to listen closer, grabbing your trusty switchblade. These things don't grow on trees, you know.You slip it into the jacket pocket with the gun you pinched earlier.Also, you swap hats with the guy. There's always something funny about nicking a bobby's hat.You recognize one of the voices as Missy, your trusted lady-friend. She appears to be attempting to seduce him. She's a crafty one, but she's definitely not getting out that way. Her feminine wiles are a little lacking.
>>125594Throw the switchblade into the guard's neck.
Rolled 16 (1d100)>>125598Forgot my roll.
Rolled 54 (1d100)>>125598Time paradox time?
>>125607Let's do it.
Rolled 35 (1d100)>>125594Oh, wait.Wait for the guard to come your way then kill him. Steal his clothes then go to Missy's cell once you hear her shrieking in agony.
Rolled 99 (1d100)>>125635Steal his clothes, leave the place walking
Rolled 52 (1d100)>>125635Heh.Now wait for the guard to come back around, after he hears her screaming, and pistol whip the shit out of him.
>>125642Well, shit. There goes that other plan.
>>125642You critically succeed at stealing the officer's clothes and walking the fuck outta here by a magnitude of 4!Alright, time to go see that shrink.Later losers.You are now the other guy, a few minutes ago.Your name is TED DILLION, but your new co-members of the English branch of the quasi-mob call you "GREENEARS", on account of how green behind the ears you are.You're currently in prison, because you were a little pussy piece of shit and couldn't shoot one measly copper.Even you can tell this one's gonna be easy.
Rolled 98 (1d100)>>125726Move the bed and look at the wall.
>>125741>>125642These fucking rolls.
>>125741>not including the part about a secret passageway
>>125741Critical success to a magnitude of 3!You heft the bed onto its side to reveal the work of a previous inhabitant. You wonder if they're still looking for him.It's much too small for your broad frame to fit through.
Rolled 38 (1d100)>>125774Push your hat to the other side and send it to get help
Rolled 63 (1d100)>>125774Grab the chisel and hammer placed strategically outside of the hole, and make the hole bigger.
You pick up a penny with the face of amy schumer as a head and put it in your inventory
Rolled 35 (1d100)>>125774Strip off most of you clothes so you can fit through the hole.
>>125819You put dice+1d100 in the options box.
>>125784Ah, how kind! The prisoner who made the hole must have left these tools behind.What a nice guy.You got CHISEL and HAMMER.Wasting no time, clumily hammer the hole wider. It makes a lot of noise. You'd better act quick.(chosen based off of highest roll)
Rolled 5 (1d100)>>125864Scramble through the hole and check surroundings
Rolled 36 (1d100)>>125870this
Rolled 23 (1d100)>>125864Book it and don't look back.
>>125870Well, I know where this is going.
>>125870>>125904Critical failure!You can practically taste freedom! You attempt to scrabble through the hole, but get stuck halfway through!It's a good thing you were still holding your hammer and chisel!
Rolled 58 (1d100)>>125918Hope that someone who is on his way to see a shrink walks by to help you.
Rolled 27 (1d100)>>125918Oh bother.it would be funny if I get a critical and destroy the whole wall
Rolled 14 (1d100)>>125918Try to break off a chunk of the wall with the hammer.
Rolled 71 (1d100)>>125918Send hat to get help
>>125933>>125929You throw your hat in an attempt to attract the attention of some heroic saviour. If only you'd waited about 10 minutes before attempting your grand escape!One of your jailors, the one not snoozing on-shift, is drawn by the sounds of your hammering from seconds earler. He sees your hapless lower half and shouts in surprise before rushing to recapture your upper half!The shout of surprise shocks you out of your stupidity.You frantically chisel your body out of the wall and sprint around the building before he can capture you!The perfect crime.(TO BE CONTINUED.)(I'll be back same time tomorrow, 11pm UTC)(In the meantime, I'll be continuing door puncher from 6am UTC 'till whenever.)>>121711
Rolled 67 (1d100)>>126054Eh, I might as well post a suggestion now for when you return since I'll be busy all day. Snicker at your perfect crime.
Rolled 41 (1d100)>>126054Go behind the building and try to listen for where Missy might be so that you can dig her out and prove that you're a hero or some dumb bullshit like that.
>>127602>>127907Now to bust out the lady. You're pretty sure they put her two cells over from yours, at the end of the block. Using the chisel as a makeshift spade, you start digging your way into her cell.You snicker to yourself. Look at me now, dad! You wanted me to be a banker, but now I'm busting quasi-mobsters outta the slammer! How many fine broads would I be rescuing in a bank, huh!?Meanwhile the guard sees you've escaped, considers the danger and decides to grab his gun and wake his friend up, checking back entrance first.Huh, it's open. He must have woken up from the commotion and cut off the escapee round the other side. Smart thinking!
Rolled 85 (1d100)>>130167Guard: check to make sure the door is alright. If the other guard went out after the escapee, they might have flung it open carelessly and gotten it scratched.
>>130260You're not controlling the guard!The guard checks the wellbeing of the door, anyway. Not because you told him to.Nothing wrong with it, though the inner-facing doorknob is a little loose. You'll have to screw it tight again later, when there isn't an escaped inmate on the loose.He enters the building.
Rolled 50 (1d100)>>130356Have the guard check on the lady inmate. Not because i told him to or anything also. He makes this decision all on his own.
>>130386The guard, completely on his own and without need for direction, surmizes that the prisoner looped around behind the building, snuck in and stabbed the other guard, probably pinched the cell keys from the desk drawer and judging by the wails coming from down the hall is now attempting to have his way with the female prisoner.Really, now? He'd already batted a home run with that escape tunnel, he could have just sprinted off into the night and gotten away just fine. What a dumbass.The guard grabs a baton from the desk and makes his way to beatdown-town.Except the lady is alone, screaming about her hand or something.
Rolled 60 (1d100)>>130516In a further excercise of the free will that the guard definitely has outside of any sort of direction by someone on a shitty anime imageboard, offer to look at the girls hand since there's no doctor here.
>>130564>In a further excercise of the free will that the guard definitely has outside of any sort of direction by someone on a shitty anime imageboard, offer to look at the girls hand since there's no doctor here.Way ahead o'ya.The broad's knuckles are all messed up.What the hell did you do to them? he asks.I-I-I p-punched the waaaaaaall!! she wails.Why the hell did you do that?It's just s-so frustating!!Well I'm afraid you're just gonna have to live with it for a while, there's nobody here who can fix something like that.If his co-warden was alive, and no prisoners were escaped, he'd run down to the surgeon's house, or the pub to grab some liquor or something.
Rolled 23 (1d100)>>130669Now leave the building to search for escapees, obviously on your own accord, without realizing that your keys are missing, also on your own accord.
>>130719The guard heads out again, since the fugitive clearly isn't back here. Nothing unusual in here, he carelessly thinks without paying much attention.He heads out the main entrance again to see if he can't catch that escapee before he gets too far, completely forgetting about the missing Webley.He spots his fellow officer taking a stroll down the roa- HEY WAIT A SECOND!
Rolled 6 (1d100)>>130849GREENEARS: finish, but find that you have broken into the wrong cell
>>130907Holy hell, that was close
>>130907>GREENEARS: finishYou are now Greenears, in the wrong damn cell. What a fucking moron.All this digging has gotten your dad's suit all dirty.Luckily this isn't a total failure. The cell is unlocked, since it was unoccupied.>>130923>Holy hell, that was close(yeah, wouldn't wanna fail at failing. That would be disastrous!)
Rolled 27 (1d100)>>131038Missy: free your dumbass partner in crime.
>>131074Shit, didn't see the "unlocked" part. Im the true dumbass here
Rolled 51 (1d100)>>131074>>131091Whatever. Have Missy open the door anyway so that there's still a semblance of irony in this situation.
>>131074>>131109Before you can open the door yourself and rescue the damsel, the damsel rescues herself and makes you look like a moron.So this... is the power of feminism... woahAnyway, you're both free and the guards are fucking around somewhere. She suggests that you retrieve your weapons.
Rolled 82 (1d100)>>131194GREENEARS: Try to fuck her.
Rolled 53 (1d100)>>131194Notice her right hand and ask what happened. Maybe this is something you can help her with and become a hero?
Rolled 5 (1d100)>>131194Your fists are your best weapon and there is no need to get any others. To prove it, punch her lights out and carry her to freedom.
>>131259>>131262>GREENEARS: Try to fuck her.She's no spring flower, but she's got a certain spice to her that you find irresistable.Still, you're a gentleman. You express concern about her injured hand.She tells you to go bugger yourself and walks off to try and find where they keep the confiscated goods.Your self-esteem is at an all-time low.
>>131321Shit, that would have been priceless
Rolled 46 (1d100)>>131323 Fuck her we're out. let's go to a port town.
Rolled 12 (1d100)>>131321Well, your fists are you best weapon, so no need to get anything else. Let's hope it isn't a critical failure again.
Rolled 100 (1d100)>>131323SUDS: Arrive at the shrink conveniently located across the street. Your commitment to see this shrink and your critical success of walking away from the station keeps you impervious to the pursuing guard.
>>131383What the fuck, is SUDS imbued with voodoo magic?
>>131393SUDS is a voodoo queen.
Critical failure!You swing and miss.Her look says it all.!CRITICAL SELF-ESTEEM FAILURE!>>131350>let's go to a port town.It's clear you're no good at being a criminal. Maybe you'll have better luck as a sailor on the seas or something.You leave through the front door.>>131383>SUDS: Arrive at the shrink conveniently located across the street. Your commitment to see this shrink and your critical success of walking away from the station keeps you impervious to the pursuing guard.!!!!!CRITICAL SUCCESS: MAGNITUDE 5!!!!!It's a couple days later, and your commitment to getting help for your various mental issues has lead you to hiring a shrink.You have both have really gross, freakishly long beards for some reason.CAUSALITY AEGIS gained: You are now practically invincible. The universe itself will bend ass-backwards in order to prevent a time paradox.>>131352(i'll use the original roll because it's funnier. in fact, let's make it a rule that if you post the same prompt then it works off the original roll if I didn't pick it the first time. no re-rolling, basically.)
Rolled 99 (1d100)>>131561We're going to be treasure hunters! We may suck shit at stealing from the living, but the dead can't do anything.Once we arrive at the town look for a treasure hunter to enlist with.
>>131561>>131590Whelp, i guess that just leaves Missy at the compound. Missy: find confiscated goods already
Rolled 67 (1d100)>>131614Shit
>>131590>We're going to be treasure hunters!>Once we arrive at the town look for a treasure hunter to enlist with.!!!!CRITICAL SUCCESS: MAGINITUDE 4!!!!Greenears has a sudden realization of his true calling.He's so successful, in fact, that he's no longer a part of this quest!He has his own adventuring to do now, and he can't be sticking around in some other bloke's quest!>>131614>Missy: find confiscated goods alreadyThey were in the shed next to the solitary confinement block.
>>131725GREENEARS: Go treasure hunt your hat back
Rolled 1 (1d100)>>131777SHIT
>>131784Are you fucking kidding me. How pathetic is GREENEARS?
>>131777Welp, that's the end of that.
Rolled 33 (1d100)>>131876MISSY: Take GREENEARS place as a treasure hunter.
>>131890>MISSY: Take GREENEARS place as a treasure hunter.You're a natural.You retrieve the legendary artifact that's been in your possession for as long as you can remember: Your CANISTER OF INFINITE SHAVING CREAM.You're really not sure what the deal with this thing is, but for whatever reason it'll never run out of cream, no matter how much you try to empty it. It's probably valuable to somebody, so you lug it around wherever you go just in case you find someone willing to pay a fortune.You also grab a couple of knives and Greenear's gun. It's still fully loaded.Funny, you kind of recognize some of these knives. They're just like the kind that SUDS keeps on his person en masse.
>>132024You sling the cannister onto your back, pocket the knives and brandish the gun.Alright, time to get the hell outta dodge.(I'll be back same time tomorrow, 11pm UTC.I'll be continuing Door Puncher at 6am UTC.>>121711)
Rolled 47 (1d100)Rolling to set meta goal of getting all the people we've controlled into one spot.
Rolled 66 (1d100)>>132676SUDS: adopt GREENEARS as your retarded child
>>134529Greenears is dead.
>>135245Permanent brain damage =/= death
>>135318He's not even part of this quest anymore.
Rolled 76 (1d100)>>135491Shit, you're right. Well, i guess we need a command that will work then.Missy: shoot the guard and take his clothes.
Rolled 12 (1d100)>>132676Also, start another thread cause this one's about to autosage, if it hasn't yet already
You're SUDS again, a few days before you head to a shrink.You were on your way outta here but the remaining copper's spotted you, and is now brandishing his baton.Oh yeah, and the stupid newbie had a stroke and is now twitching on the ground. This fuckin' guy, you think to yourself.Wait, weren't you supposed to be busting him and Missy outta here?(I'm just gonna try to continue in this thread despite the autosage, since we're almost done here.)
Rolled 22 (1d100)>>136793Just kick the guard's ass already
>>136862>Just kick the guard's ass alreadyHe rushes at you and you shoot him.Wowee, that was exciting.
>>136953Take the hammer and chisle from GREENEARS' catatonic body and see if you can bust apart the wall your favorite door is attached to with them and take it with you.
>>136976(roll on it)
Rolled 56 (1d100)>>137000Oh, right, shit. Im posting in tons of quests right now.
>>136976>Take the hammer and chisle and free your little doorAs you check the now vegetative body of your former comrade, you find just the tools you needed.Missy, attracted by the sound of gunfire, finds you holding your best buddy, now freed from his prison.She's more than a little surprised to see you. You're not exactly known for coming back for your fallen colleagues.
Rolled 28 (1d100)>>137086Notice Missy's right hand and suggest that she see one of those shrinks that deal with injuries instead of mental problems. Whatever the fuck they're called.
>>137128>Notice Missy's right handYou inquire as to whether she thinks she'll be able to continue picking locks in the future with her hand all messed up.She pauses and says she's not sure.You say you'll take her to a surgeon later.She nods.The ROMANTIC TENSION gauge ticks high.
>>137200Walk off into the sunrise while dragging GREENEARS by his foot and clutching your door with Missy, and at the same time posing as a team. You don't know what it is you have to do yet, but you got shit to do.
Rolled 78 (1d100)>>137242Fuck
Rolled 85 (1d100)Rolling for MARRIAGE
>>137242>Walk off into the sunrise>Pose as a teamIt's a shame that GREENEARS is both vegetative and no longer a part of this quest.Whatever, he'd only be a third wheel.THE END.Wait, not that's not right, where's the title card?Huh, I guess it's not over. There's still something else to show before we can move on.
Rolled 8 (1d100)>>137360SUDS: tell the universe that if we aren't shown whatever it is we still have to see, it will cause a time paradox. Is that how the CASUALTY AEGIS works? Let's hope it is.
What the hell this that?Well whatever it is, it launches itself/selves at Suds and Missy.
Rolled 50 (1d100)>>137452Do a barrel roll!
>>137452It's a... beard?It wont come off.There's something else, too...It's speaking to you... urging...!
Rolled 59 (1d100)>>137519Im guessing our input is no longer needed in this thread?
>>137519That URGING will be what leads you down your PATH.The PATH TO SHAVE HUMANITY.SUDSQUEST: ENDBEARD QUEST: BEGIN
>>137709(Alright, that's it for now.I'll be back with BEARD QUEST once this thread dies, however long that takes. A few days, probably.Anyway, starting from tomorrow I'll be running DOORPUNCHER all day every day until this thread dies. I'll be back with a new thread for DOORPUNCHER at 6am UTC today.)
>>137739So DOORPUNCHER is right now?
>>137780(Nah, in a few hours. I'm hungry and I haven't fapped in a few days. Plus I already posted in that thread that I'd be back at the usual time, since I didn't expect to finish up this early.)
>>137709Is somebody going to take GREENEARS' place as the third character in BEARDQUEST? Could the shrink join SUDS and MISSY on their quest?