Everyone thinks that the Paranormal Crimes Unit is a joke. After all, you are the only member in the unit. All unsolvable or strange crimes come through your door, but they all end up back in the pile of unsolved cases and then move to archives in the next room over. It's midday when you finally get to your office. Its small and cramped, as to be expected with the limited funding you receive, papers are piled around the room and metal file cabinets line the walls. A single desk sits in the middle of the room and three new case files are haphazardly strewn across it, each with a bold red stamp "unsolved". You look down at the case files and smirk "probably going to stay that way". Behind the desk is a large bulletin board with miscellaneous papers from old case files tacked on.You have on civilian clothes and carry a FBI/PCU badge and a Glock 19 (9mm).You are barely tired and slightly hungry. You feel safe and sane.> make coffee> find something to eat> read case file 1> read case file 2> read case file 3> write in
>>2718368>> make coffee>> find something to eatMeal first.
>>2718368> write in: finish filling out the Equipment Request Form for a computer, network access, and scanner access. Fuck if we’re going to keep searching through reports when we can scan them all in for easier search later.
>>2718368>carry case file to coffee machine>pop bagel in toaster and/or steal donut from better-funded department>read while we waitlet's get C O M F Y
>>2718368> read case file 1 while making coffee, and check if the office smells like cigarets
>>2718374>>2718382+1 for more specific result. >>2718374>>2718378+1
>>2718378I will support this if we also ask for a skeptical partner.
>>2718368What the others said.But take a quick glance at each of the 3 cases to get the basic gist of what each one entails.
>Read case 3
Couldn’t even make it past the first vote, could you? Probably a reflection of every other aborted project and endeavor in your life.
>>2720177Well thats just rude. Although it is kind of a bummer OP left us like this
damn, was sort of hype for an SCP sorta deal
>>2718378>>2718382Your funding may be limited, but the PCU's coffee reserves have never bottomed in your three lonely years in the office. You figure that a little pick-me-up in the form of hot liquid caffeine might improve today's performance, and begin brewing the nutjuice halfheartedly while browsing one of the case files. (Note to self. Fill out paperwork to request computer, network access, and scanner access.)-FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONSeconded to: PARANORMAL CRIMES UNITFile 3815-001Summary: Supposed disappearances within the town of J, West Virginia (pop. 302 as of 2018). Sheriff Townsend of J first reported sighting of a "large, hairy beast", that he reluctantly described as "being Yeti-like". Sheriff did not respond positively to responding FBI agent's mirth. Case file rerouted to PCU as per J0-K3 Protocol.Sheriff is currently being detained in W State Penitentiary for assaulting an FBI agent. -At the bottom margins of the short case file, you notice a scribbled sentence written with red ink. "Have fun with this one, UFO dude. Gotta earn your paycheck, right?"You could use something stronger than just coffee right now.>Fuck coffee, grab the whiskey inside the drawer>Get started with the coffee, and read another case file [Pick one]>Find something to eat>Write inNot OP, but I'm bored and I have time and I love SCP stuff, so...
>>2727571> Request permission to head out to WV for an investigation.
>>2727622Quickly gulping down the pipin'-hot coffee, you leave the seclusion of your office with the case file in hand and rejoin the busy crowd of people that is the 3rd floor of the J. Edgar Hoover Building. Navigating your way through the tidy, professional people all wearing the latest gadgets, you are once again reminded of how ancient you look. Your FBI/PCU badge looks almost like something out of a 60s buddy cop movie, and your clothing, department-issued during the founding days of the FBI to look "civilian", makes you look anything but. Hey, at least you look dapper while downing whiskey. Which you forgot to take out of the drawer before leaving the office. Damn.First things first.-knock knock-"Come on in," a cheerful voice rings out of the door, and you enter an office that is at least quintuple the size of yours. It is filled to the rim with newfangled gadgets, like computers with a screen that isn't the size of a traveling bag and actual chairs. You had been requesting new chairs in exchange for the busted one for three months now. "Ah, if it isn't our genius detective!" Deputy Assistant Director Jimmy "Jim" Faloney says, twirling his red pen between his fingers with a grin. "What are you up to to-day? Catching greys? Shooting down UFOs?" Requisition time. What do you need for the journey ahead to West Virginia?>Car>Gun [specify]>Car and gun>Car and gun and an assistant>Write in
>>2727723> a large but inconspicuous vehicle, like a U-Haul or larger> Tranquilizer gun> Tranquilizer technician if available
>>2727777That bastard. He's probably the one who scribbled "UFO dude" in your case file with his red pen."I would like to requisition a large, but inconspicuous vehicle, sir. Also a tranquilizer gun and someone who can use it." Jim spins his red pen experimentally while he looks thoughtful, all the while you stand uncomfortably. The leather-backed chair looks so soft and inviting... but he hasn't invited you to sit yet. "Alright." Jim says, with a suddenly serious look in his face. "So a large van, a tranq gun, and a techie for the same gun. Will that be all?"Alarms ring in your head at the surprising generosity of the Bastard. What is he planning? Is the tranq rifle rigged? Does the techie have the flu? Does the van have a bomb attached underneath it?"Truth is," he continues as wild ideas attack your brain, "someone was just here asking for the same thing." Jimmy Faloney smiles a smile that has never resulted in anything good for you. "For the same case, even.">Thank the Faloney and book it>Stand your ground and ask who and why and what>"What's the catch?">Ask for more stuff
>>2727817> "What's the catch?"
>>2727831"What's the catch?" The words come unbidden out of your lips, a product of your rampant suspicion. Deputy Assistant Director Faloney shrugs innocently. "What catch? I am just letting you requisition the items needed for the successful prosecution of federal business. I expected you to ask for tanks and battalions to fight the nefarious Greys, John. A van and a nonlethal rifle is nothingWell, there IS one little thing. I am going to need you to sign this." He pushes a paper toward you. One that confirms the closure of the Paranormal Crimes Unit.You regret not having had that drink.>Shoot Jimmy "Jim" Faloney, FBI Deputy Assistant Director >Read the piece of paper>Write-in
>>2727856>Read the piece of paperThen decide how to react.
>>2729047SupportWe gotta see what's going down. at the end of the day, we can just bus it to the place we need to go. We can just give this guy our receipts when we get back
>>2729047>>2729051The five-page form talks on and on about the need for "accountability to taxpayers" and "the need to reduce departmental bloat" and other fancy phrases. At the end, you see four slots for signatures, three of them already filled. The long graceful cursive of Christopher A. Wray, FBI Director. The blocky "JIMMY "JIM" FALONEY" in all-caps with red ink. An empty spot for you - "Director of Paranormal Crimes Unit", fancy title for the only person manning the entire unit - and at the very last—"Unusual Incidents Unit?" You ask, repeating the title under the green-inked signature that only shows a single letter: "O". "What does this unit have to do with the folding of PCU?""Well, your unit is being folded into theirs, obviously," D.A.D. Faloney scoffs, tossing his red pen between his fat hands. "They came to me looking for a case file, the one that I had sent to your "Unit", in fact. When they found out your "Unit" existed, they requested that your office and your assets get subsumed under theirs.""I never heard of this... UIU existing before," you say cautiously, thankful that you aren't quite fired. Though, you will stop being Director of Paranormal Crimes Unit (population: 1) once you sign this form. "Looks like you've found friends, UFO boy. Anyway, you gonna sign this or not? The girls from HR wanted to convert that ratty office into a spare janitor's closet.">Sign the form, and become absorbed into the UIU>Don't sign. You're the Director of the Paranormal Crimes Unit, damnit! And that deserves some respect!>write-in
>>2732099>What name do you write on the signature, if you do choose to sign?
>>2732099 sign it under "George Dooly"
>>2732099>Sign itThe illusion of authority isn't worth much of anything and maybe this way we'll get some computer access and other resources.Also sign the name>Juergen Flesch
>>2733553SupportIf anything else, we'll at least get to hang with somebody in our poorly funded and respected unit together
Sign it. Excited for this quest
Rolled 1 (1d2)>>2733805>>2733568>>2733553>>27331481 = Dooly2 = Flesch
>>2735110With a single signature, your once-beloved PCU is no more, along with your title. Strange, you expected to feel a bit sad about this, but what comes to you is a kind of resigned acceptance, a feeling that this was a long time coming. "So glad you could see our way, Director Dooly," Jimmy snickers. "Oh wait, you aren't a Director anymore. Your unit does not exist!" He takes up a phone (pre-dialed, you note) and says a string of numbers that you find difficult to remember, and then puts it back down. "Don't you have somewhere to be, Agent Dooly? A bigfoot-hunting trip to West Virginia, perhaps?"[I am creating a new thread so I can actually use tags like [sp] and shit, since IIRC only OPs can do that on /tg/.]