-I am not allowed to make an elf who thinks he is a male, dwarf warrior.
-I am not allowed to make an elf who thinks SHE is a male, dwarf warrior.
-Infiltrating a city, assassinating important officials, bombing the City Hall, poisoning the city water supply, murdering any and all trade caravans approaching the city, destroying any refugees leaving the city, and kidnaping and brutally murdering the local Lord and his family is NOT an appropriate April Fools prank.
-At no point will there be a Drow rendition of West Side Story.
-Suggesting we kill and eat the NPC is a joke. Actually killing and eating her is a horrific crime.
-If the DM can’t spell it, I can’t make a curse that causes it.
-The next time we play Shadowrun, I cannot have any gun that the troll can’t carry.
-My paladin is never to be allowed alone with prisoners EVER again.
-My barbarian had better not berserk while braiding the sorceress’ hair.
-On second thought, my barbarian shouldn’t be braiding her hair, anyway.
-I will not use my high Charisma to convince anyone to name their first-born child a dick joke, especially not the King and Queen.

-The next time we time travel, I will not seduce, marry, and then abandon a young Queen Victoria.
-No using time travel to abduct a young, innocent Adolf Hitler, and then convincing him through high-tech and undeniable evidence that the Jews, Poles, and Russians are evil aliens.
-Also no traveling through time, saving Hitler’s life moments before he kills himself, and then taking him to 2012, just to scare the crap out of people.
-No inventing the Hair-Metal band in the Forgotten Realms.
-My tech-priest does not sound like, act like, or look like Danny DeVito.
-Christopher Walken is not all-seeing, all-powerful, and did not create the Universe, so I can’t get spells from worshiping him.
-The dragon is not named Fluffy, and the next person to suggest otherwise gets eaten.
-The next pun my cleric makes results in losing his powers.
-My troll will not eat copious amounts of bean burritos a few hours before we load into the tiny car to go on a mission.

-When we save the princess, I cannot cop a feel.
-Same goes for when we rescue the prince.
-“CHEESE WHEEL” is neither a battle cry, nor a religion.
-Summoned creatures are good for combat, not for all-you-can-eat buffets.
-“DO A BARREL ROLL” does not work in Rogue Trader.
-If it talks, writes, or displays any sign of higher intelligence, it is no longer on the menu.
-My Legend of the Five Rings Lion clan does not have a Scottish accent.
-The next “Yo Momma” joke my Elf makes will result in spontaneous combustion.
-My Dwarf con not use his beard as a melee weapon.
-The length and thickness of my Dwarf’s beard does not add to my intimidate score.
-I am not allowed to make a Dwarf who thinks he is a female, elven sorceress.

>-I am not allowed to make an elf who thinks he is a male, dwarf warrior.
>-I am not allowed to make an elf who thinks SHE is a male, dwarf warrior.

-My grand, master plan had better not be an excuse to re-enact any Monty Python skit.
-No part of any plan will involve a song-and-dance routine, for any reason.
-I will never say the line, “Is that a +1 short sword in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
-I do not supply sound effects out of game. My character does not supply sound effects in game.
-I do not get the Rod of Wonder, for any reason.
-It’s only funny to wake up with one dead Bugbear in your bed, once. Waking up to ten dead Bugbears, seven nights in a row, is sexual harassment.
-No matter how well my investigator rolls, it is not possible to intimidate a Mi-Go.

>>11192231
No.

No.

Stop that.

Don't even.

-No matter how well my investigator rolls, it is not possible to seduce a Mi-Go
-High explosives should not be my investigator’s first response to anything strange.
-I can not use the Fireball spell outside of combat.
-I do not get to milk any creature, for any reason. Especially elves.
-Next time I imply that the Elf is a prostitute, I lose EXP.
-No starting a Bolshevik Revolution in Shadowrun. The megacorps do not approve of a Worker’s Paradise.
-No encouraging small, family run business in Shadowrun. The megacorps do not approve of a small-company based economy, either.
-Just because my Malkavian CAN play the tuba, does not mean that he SHOULD.
-Opera singing is not an appropriate, or sensible, hobby for my scum.
-Singing opera while in Crinos WILL result in a horrible, and painful, death.
-My Malkavian does NOT get a mortar, ever again.
-I can no longer play as a Malkavian.

More soon.

Feel free to add your own.

Some of these are excellent rules.

>No matter how well my investigator rolls, it is not possible to seduce a Mi-Go
Mother of God

>>11192240
>-I am not allowed to make a Dwarf who thinks he is a female, elven sorceress.

I've always <3d Mr. Welch.

The appropriate greeting upon meeting a Navigator is not to discharge your Exterminator.

>-My grand, master plan had better not be an excuse to re-enact any Monty Python skit.

Not even whilst playing DH? One of the greatest pleasures of that game is setting up the line "NO-ONE EXPECTS THE EMPEROR'S INQUISITION!!!".

>-“DO A BARREL ROLL” does not work in Rogue Trader.

Yes, it will.

-I do not get to quote Dirty Harry.
-Any plan I suggest that starts with, “Okay, I saw this on TV once. . .” is a bad idea.
-My investigator cannot be a suicide bomber, who just shouts “ALLAH AKBAR!” and blows up.
-If my home-made hat induces a SAN check, it is not “kewl.”
-When soldiers are put under my command, I will not just use them for components for a flesh golem.
-If it weighs twenty tons, flies, and can shoot lightening: it is not a hamster, regardless of how it started.
-Making up euphemisms for genocide is not a “wholesome hobby.”
-Ending my back story with “Bel-Air” is punishable by instant character death.
-I had better stop making up medical disorders.

-I may NOT experiment with polymorphing into aquatic creatures druing an encounter. Especially in a burning building.
-Dual wielding swords as a ranger is acceptable, dual wielding bows is impossible.
-Testing out our new magic arrows on the rogue is not acceptable. Even if they MIGHT be healing arrows.
-Stop attacking that door with a rapier, you just look silly.
-Endvar's menacing tentacles may not be cast during the BBEG's monologue.
-Random characteristics tables are all fine and good, but must be used with discretion. A high priestess of Pelor may not have a full-body tattoo and facial piercings.
-Sneak attacking villains is a reasonable, if under-handed, tactic. Sneak attacking fishermen is not.
-The captain may be a thin charicature of Ahab, but we may not spend the rest of the session screaming Mastodon lyrics.
-No matter how many crits you roll, you cannot seduce the prince. Especially not as a male half-orc.
-DM's discretion is final. A game of pool is not a suitable way to determine the veracity of a decision.
-Using taxidermy to collect the bodyparts of rare, exotic animals is acceptable. Using it to skin the BBEG and wear his flesh like a bodysuit is not.
-Summoning a bison to help us in combat is an excellent plan. Summoning a celestial orca is stupid and unnecessary.

-You are not allowed to Soul Sight every NPC your party encounters, even if they 'look sus'.
-You are not allowed to complain about perils resulting from your powers, especially if they are hilarious.
-A daemon appearing inside an aquila lander filled with space marines is hilarious.

Vindicare assassins are never allowed to have mannerisms in any way similar to Bugs Bunny.

Or the Road Runner.

And if I make an Adorjani Urge Slayer who acts like the Ultimate Warrior one more time, I'm out of the Exalted player pool.

No longer allowed to play a Jedi in starwars
No longer allowed to shoot at Jedi with shotguns
No longer allowed to play as an astromech droid
No longer allowed to convince the entire party to play astromech droids.
...or gonk doids. Or any type of droid for that matter.

Astromech droids cannot 'ex-ter-mi-nate' and i should stop implying they can or will.

(in homebrew Thief series based game)

Hiding a gas grenade up ones sleeve in case of arrest is a sound strategy. Hiding one up your anus with a 'penetration trigger' in case of prison rape post arrest is not a sound strategy. Just no.

Must not taunt the hammerite's by spending all my money on every moss arrow in the city, and shooting them inside every window of the head hammerite temple.

Buying an old building, filling it with hidey holes, and throwing a posh party for the local guild leaders in order to bring their fat wallets into one location that is pretrapped at every corner is a great plan.

...Buying shalebridge cradle, slapping a fresh coat of paint on the outside, and chaining shut the doors from the outside once they are all inside, in order to go rob their carriages parked 'round back....is not.

Never allowed to use the phrase 'slaughter the women and children first' when playing a hammerite priest.

...or taunt the keepers by leaving piles of burning books on random street corners.

Never allowed to play a hammerite priest again.

-I am never allowed to play a mute malkavian who thinks he is Link from the legend of zelda again.

I have no idea why he got so upset by it, other players thought I was awesome and didn't find out his demention until the end of the game.

>>11192436

>>11192561

I saw a PC do that. He spent the whole game digging up shrubs and bushes to find rupees.

>>11192619
Mine was just an average weird guy.

Got his malkavian 'insights' from Navi, Only ever fought with a sword and shield, bow and arrow and a boomerang, would wander off when we assaulted buildings and come back with the keys to all the rooms.

I was REALLY surprised it took till the end of the game for all the other players to get it.


My favourite part was when the storyteller introduced a brown red haired assamite bad guy and we had to raid several of his hide outs to work our way up to finding him.

-I may not make any part of any enemy into codpiece and the wear it.
-Familiars are useful for more than just throwing in the enemy’s face as a distraction.
-Next Pokemon reference I make when I summon something will earn me a punch to the face.
-The “Thriller” dance is not what zombie minions are for.
-I cannot use pick-up lines on the evil Dragon-Queen.
-A seduction score is not a substitute for an INT score.
-I can not have a unreasoning fear of halflings, especially if I am one.
-“But I’m a barbarian!” is never an acceptable excuse.
-My bard does not rock out.
-Nor does he get his freak on.
-Any character that is a living violation of the Geneva conventions is not allowed.

I am allowed to have my character commit suicide with sound reason to do so. I am not, however, allowed to commit suicide in any way that takes the entire rest of the party with me.

I'm barely able to breathe.
Do please go on.

Even if the rules permit it, no Dark Heresy character of mine may ever have an autogun/shotgun combi-weapon with an underslug grenade launcher AND an Exterminator again.

Lets see..

I am not allowed to convince the party wizard to take a bath with me at the inn so we can both have hot water before they run out.

Remember, soap is a deadly weapon when used on PCs with a level in a NPC class.

My character is not allowed to pretend they are a lesbian while around the tiefling.

Please stop trying to convince the superstitious barbarians that you are, in fact, an evil cat demon of legend out to suck the souls of women.

>>11192160
>I CAST FIST

goddamnit I can't stop laughing

I'm not allowed to use my axe while we are sailing. (PCs background: lumberjack)

-No, I can’t use the orphans for target practice.
-No, I can’t use the orphans for spell components.
-No, I can’t use the orphans to make tons of small zombies.
-If my character goes Crinos at one more birthday party, he dies.
-Drow are not good eatin’.
-The same goes for Driders.
-My plan should not involve the words, “chickens,” “trained midgets,” “Sir Isaac Newton,” and “Thermite.”
-Making dick jokes while in Crinos is right out.
-My paladin should not be based on John Cleese.
-My bard should not be based on Eric Idle.
-Charging into battle screaming in blood thirst, chopping the enemy in half, throwing one half at the nearest foe, etc. is viable and in-character for a half-orc, berserking barbarian. Not so much for my half-elf, cowardly sorcerer, regardless of how well I roll.

I'm not allowed to carry more weapons than twice the number of my arms.

>>11192730
>-My bard does not rock out.
>-Nor does he get his freak on.
worst DM ever.

*I may not refer to the dwarf paladin's beard as a handle.
*Hitting on the druid to advance my character's development is acceptable. Doing only when he's in bear form is not.
*I may never again play a fighter whose weapon focus is teeth. Not even if I have a natural bite attack.
*"RIGHT IN THE BABY-MAKER!" is not an acceptable parameter for a called shot.
*Even if it is subdual damage, I may not make unarmed attacks on the other party members without provocation.
*"Whips and chains" is not an acceptable weapon specialization. Especially not if my character is a Lawful Neutral cleric.
*Re-arranging the minis while the DM was using the bathroom was funny the first time. After that it was stupid.
*The pizza boy is not to be tipped in d20s or high fives.
*Basing my character on a Doctor Who villain is not acceptable. ESPECIALLY NOT THE DALEKS.

I am no longer allowed to roll a character above level ten and refuse to purchase magical items with my vast wealth.

The spell "Rage" does have a verbal component. It is not "Zombies can run" when cast upon the guy that obsessively prepares for something called "Z-Day," because it actually does anger him.

I am no longer allowed any more than one of the following items in the same character: 1) Pen and paper, 2) The knowledge of how to make a binding contract, legally or otherwise, 3) A Lawful Evil alignment, 4) Intelligence greater than 14.

If by some miracle I do get a number of those things into a character without having the character summarily rejected, I am not allowed to write out three hundred pages of extensive legalese that will allow me to both murder and inherit all of the properties and assets and political standing owned by the person signing the contract. Further, I am not to intimidate a king into signing the contract immediately by refusing to stop a dragon from burning his daughter to ash. Finally, I am not to sic the dragon on his daughter in the first place in order to force this series of events into motion.

-Making a dwarf ninja in EoN will never be ok.

My Acolyte will be subject to summary execution if he so much as LOOKS at a hallucinogen grenade again.

Or a photon flash grenade.

Or a plasma grenade.

Or a blind grenade.

None of my Dark Heresy or Rogue Trader characters are ever allowed to start with or acquire grenades of any sort again.

-Our back-up plan should be more than for me to cast fireball, and run away.
-Animal taming-type skills do not apply to sentient creatures. Especially elves.
-“I Berserk” should not be my first response to any complicated situation. Like a political forum.
-Convincing the bard to attempt to seduce the Lich is forbidden.
-The Gregorian chant version of Queen’s “We Will Rock You” was a one time thing, and is not to be mentioned again.
-There is no prestige class: “Pimp”
-My monk’s kung-fu is not stronger than yours.
-By the Power of Greyskull, I do not have the power.
-My roleplaying of romance cannot just be the lyrics of Erasure’s “Always.”
-I cannot surf the Elf.
-I cannot surf the Dwarf, either.
-Or the Human, or the Half-Orc. . .

-my wizard can never summon horses in midair as a weapon to drop on my foes. nor do horses make decent flotation devices for your drowning companions.
-as comical as it may be to make my wizards dump stat WIS instead of CHR, getting lost in your own library is never fun nor does it impress the ladies.
-my CN dwarven druid who thinks he's an elf is allowed to be the first on scene to those who are near death, as they will be murdered out of "mercy" far before they can give important plot information.
-I am no longer allowed to play a CN dwarven druid who thinks he's an elf.
-when succeeding an ancient red dragons intimidate check with a natural 20, my first response shouldnt be throwing loose change in his face then scornfully asking him if he is going to pick it up.
-using your dead players skin and bones to make a canoe, although ingenuous, is generally considered bad form
-when you are secretly hired to remove the baddies from the top of Big Ben to avoid a public commotion, it's best not to kill the gaurds on the way up then forget to disarm the bomb before leaving.
-when you leave a national monument moments before it explodes, you are generally considered a terrorist in that country for the rest of your life, no matter how many awesome parties you throw in the name of the queen in the center of times square, vegas, or new orleans.

I am not allowed to roll up halfling rogues with godlike reflexes, phobias of apples and the moon, and a fetish for repeating crossbows.

I am no longer allowed to refer to the impossible-to-kill BBEG as "The Guy."

The BBEG's castle is not shaped like a skull.

I do not want to be The Guy, nor am I allowed to get the other players to shout "NO! I WANNA BE THE GUY!" with me when the BBEG is done delivering his monologue.

Playing a wizard who had to speak in rhyme was an interesting way to rolepaly. Playing a samurai who speaks only in haiku was silly but admirable. Playing a barbarian who speaks only in monosyllables was silly.

>>11193203
"my CN dwarven druid who thinks he's an elf is NEVER allowed"...

>fixed

>>11193053
"RIGHT IN THE BABY-MAKER!" is not an acceptable parameter for a called shot.

lol'd hard

- I cannot play a cleric with Alzheimer's
- Nor can I play an autistic wizard
- My paladin cannot 'smite evil' with his genitalia
- I may not refer to any Goliath I meet as 'Tyrone'
- 'Fuck Anything' is not a bardic class feature

-using "spectral hand" is not a good way to push off the officers hate.

-Nor is it fun to cause everyone to learn to fly for 10 seconds, especially the cops.

-Civilians do not fly well.

-I cannot have a hammer and baggy pants ever again.

-My tech priest is not the druid of a concrete jungle.

-Asking someone who is mad at you "you want to touch the beard don't you?" is not a good response.

-I am not Bruce Lee.

>>11193345
-Officer's hat*

>>11193324
>I may not refer to any Goliath I meet as 'Tyrone'

Even if it seems like a really good idea, I am no longer allowed to have any character that fights with a toolbox.

The side-effects of too much toolbox are not headache, dizziness, nausea, or death. Even if those things do happen, I am not allowed to talk about it as if it were a prescription drug.

My character is not a devout follower of Toolboxia.

There are no more toolboxes in any setting I am also contained within.

>>11193003

>-My paladin should not be based on John Cleese.

I must see this.

-My dwarf having the word 'beard' as one part of his name is acceptable.
-My dwarf having the word 'beard' as every other syllable in it's name is not acceptable.
-My dwarf having the word 'beard' as every word in it's name, save solitary uses of 'Of' 'The' and 'Mc' is not acceptable.
-My dwarf's thought patterns does not consist entirely of 'beard' 'kill' and 'ale.'
-The dwarvern language does not consist entirely of 'beard' 'kill' and 'ale.'
-Dwarves do not reproduce by laying kegs.

-My wookie is not Stephan Hawking, even if he has 16 Int and a computer to translate.

>Dwarves do not reproduce by laying kegs.

Axebeard McBeardAxe is not an acceptable name for your elf.

>>11193398
Can't stop laughing...

*Doors are not the enemy.

Addendum: that does not mean I should go around proclaiming this to anyone I see.

My 8 str, 14 dex wizard is not allowed to jump over pits.

If he has to jump over pits, he must make sure to give his box of poisons to a more able party member.

If my wizard fell in a pit, and the poisons broke, and there are contact poisons, other party members should be encouraged not to retrieve the body.

I am not allowed to breathe fire on my party members.

I am not allowed to breathe fire on my party members in a highly flammable wooden inn.

I am not allowed to kidnap the barmaid because I am half-dragon: using the "it's in my blood" excuse will not fly.

I can't mate with another half dragon to test the laws of fantasy genetics.

I can no longer play half dragons

>>11193398
>-Dwarves do not reproduce by laying kegs

Saying that you charge in with your sword drawn screaming incoherent obscenities is acceptable. Acting it out is not. This goes doubly so when attacking another player character.

- I will not use my Ghost Hand to perform a "Stranger."
- I will stop insisting that casting Magic Missile requires paired keys that must be turned simultaneously and Presidential approval.
- If I cast Planar Ally to summon a succubus, I am not allowed to order her to make me sandwiches or give me back rubs and then dismiss her as soon as it's done.
- No, my Sounding Stone does not have custom ringtones.
- There is no red lantern district in any settlement where I can see an "umber hulk show," so I should stop asking.
- I will not sell the brains of various monsters by the pound just so I can set up a joke.
- If I continue to use polymorph scrolls to turn into a female lizardfolk and take naked pictures of myself to sell in the swamps, my access to said scrolls will be revoked.

http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html

These seem familiar.

Like they've been copied and pasted.

>>11193632
They're made in the same vein, but they're not the same things.

-I am no longer allowed to talk to female NPCs.
-The size of my dick is not relevant, nor does it increase my charisma.
-I can not create a religion centered around my dick.
-My beard is not considered a pet, nor can it attack.
-I'm allowed to play a druid, but i'm not able to play a ultra-vegean druid with a deep hatred of all non-vegetarians.
-Destroying a bar for serving meat is not accepted.
-I may no longer play as a Druid, EVER.
-I may no longer play as a Hunter who hates veetarians.
-No i may not, and no i can't. It's horrible, disgusting and illegal.

>>11193398
I just started crying I was laughing so hard.

<--Pic has same result.

>>11193712
>Walrus being abused by sociopath is a wetsuit

And you LAUGH at this? You monster.

>>11193053
>*"Whips and chains" is not an acceptable weapon specialization. Especially not if my character is a Lawful Neutral cleric.

Obviously your DM has never heard of Ardarvia. (Or perhaps he has, and is taking preventative measures...)

>>11193768
He's savvy. Even if he hadn't heard of her, he'd have seen it coming.

I mean, our entire D&D group is people who could be easily classified as Chaotic Neutral.

Well, except for the guy who plays the cleric, who is Neutral Good. We call him 'Jack the Reasonable'.

>>11193398

-My dwarf is not proficient in Exotic Weapon: Door
-My dwarf is not proficient in Exotic Weapon: Floodgate
-My dwarf is not proficient in Exotic Weapon: Elf
-Vomit is not an acceptable throwing weapon
-My enemy's socks are not the highest priority on the loot table.
-Especially if they're on fire.
-My dwarf should not stop whatever he is doing to hunt rats for food.
-Especially if he is currently fighting something
-Especially if he is trying to save his party members from falling/collapsing ceiling/poison gas.
-Especially if he is fleeing from dragon/lava/rockslide/angry wife.
-My dwarf may not claim carp as his preferred enemy.
-My dwarf may not claim elephants as his preferred enemy.
-My dwarf may not claim cats as his preferred enemy.
-My dwarf may claim elves as his preferred enemy.

>>11193886
>-My dwarf may not claim carp as his preferred enemy.
>-My dwarf may not claim elephants as his preferred enemy.
>-My dwarf may not claim cats as his preferred enemy.
>-My dwarf may claim elves as his preferred enemy.

Any genre-savvy dorf would do this!

You forgot mandrills, though. And rhesus macaques.

>>11193712
Daft Punk - Aerodynamic came up on my play list when I clicked.

>>11193886
Freis, you're a genius...

>>11193324
>- 'Fuck Anything' is not a bardic class feature

>>11193886
>-My dwarf may not claim elephants as his preferred enemy.

Why not? Are there not dwarf ivory hunters?

-My Guardsman does not enjoy show tunes.
-My rogue trader cannot have a harem of Eldar women.
-Having a pet Dragon and naming him Gungurthrax the Annihilator of Souls is scary. Having a pet cat and naming him Gungurthrax the Annihilator of Souls is silly. Having a pet Dragon that acts like a cat and naming him Gungurthrax the Annihilator of Souls is just plain insane.
-I cannot have a Hero in Mutants and Masterminds named ‘Rape-Man.’
-Anything that makes the DM cry is probably a bad thing.
-Killing the Inquisitor for “Lack of Faith in the Emperor” is just a bit TOO zealous, even for my cleric.
-Just because he is a bit rough with his lasgun, my tech-priest cannot kill the Guardsman.
-Orcs will only fall for, “Look out! A Dragon!” three times per fight.
-Killing the King’s Chamberlain because they’re ALWAYS evil is no okay. Especially during the Royal Ball.
-My wizard was not trained at Hogwarts.
-My wizard does not put on his robe and hat prior to sexual relations.
-My wizard is most certainly not named “Rincewind.”

Man, your DM is lame, some of these ideas are great. I so loved my dwarven warrior who thought he was an eladrin wizard shouting teleport as he bull rushed goblins.

My bard may have had sexual relations with that woman.

- I am banned from using any powers involving: flight, teleportation, telekinesis, telepathy, time control, or fire.


I'm a clever motherfucker and I near maxed out my PC's intelligence rating. SO STOP SAYING MY EVERY AVANT-GARDE BATTTLE STRATEGY"isn't in character...", PHILLIP YOU CHUCKLEFUCK.

-I am no longer allowed to hide inside elephants and send them to bbegs as gifts so I can assassinate them.

-I am also not allowed to hide from anyone by pretending to BE an elephant when they are looking for me, it was only funny the first time.

>-My Dwarf con not use his beard as a melee weapon.

You're no fun!

>>11194041
- I am not allowed to use transmutation to turn my enemy's throat into ice.

- I am not allowed to use my PC's hacking skills to fill an enemy's hard drive with CP & forged internet histories.

- I am not allowed to use my telekinesis to pick up the BBEG & drop him off the skyscraper's rooftop as opposed to risk dying by fighting him.

>>11194120
Beard devils can do it, I say the DM let him do it!

- No, I cannot play a dwarven Druid.

-No, he does not have a nest of birds in his beard.

-Or a tiger.

-Or anything other than beard for that matter.

-Okay maybe some leftover food.

-Left over food in beard cannot be used as a net to catch fish.

I am no longer allowed to use a bluff check to convince some cultists that I am their god and demand that they take off their pants and head to my chambers as I flee the scene.

Alright, I'll play your game you rogue!

- Even if I'm strong enough to lift one up, I'm not allowed to specialize in guard towers as melee weapons.
- The same goes for Ogres.
- And fellow player characters, even if they agree to it.
- We are not allowed to teleport by singing Kumbaya my Lord and holding hands.
- My Portable Hole can not be placed on a shield to absorb missile attacks.
- It's not appropriate to train my warhorse to dance on command.
- The same goes for my drake mount.
- And my Gnome servants.
- Hiring Demonic laborers to build a church is a stupid idea.
-I'm not allowed to keep a pet troll in the back yard to farm exp.
- Burying the party's rogue alive is not a good prank.
- Opening your own tavern just so you can brawl there every day is really bad for business.

-I am no longer allowed to constantly do search checks for pies when out in the woods.


I was trying to point out to the DM that the 1 in 20 chance of auto-success that he was using was silly.

>>11194325
>- My Portable Hole can not be placed on a shield to absorb missile attacks.
STOLEN

>>11194406
Ditto.

I guess I'm not allowed to use false documents to prove that I'm a health inspector for the undead.

I am no longer allowed to make a bet with a jester in which I win his hat of invisibility, then use sneak attack damage to slay a dragon.

>>11194340
According to the DMing philosophy espoused in the 4e rulebooks, the player should be able to decide whether he comes across pies randomly in the wilderness.

- Throwing Ballistas may seem funny at first, but after the 25th time your Ballista crews start complaining.
- Using deadly guillotine traps to make a salad in the middle of the dungeon is not respectful towards your DM.
- Just because you read somewhere that doors can actually deal damage does not mean you can use one to backstab someone with.
- Flying to the top of the evil wizard's dungeon tower is not proper etiquette towards your DM. Always enter via ground level at least.
- Demolishing the tower stone by stone from the bottom is also very rude.
- And so is waiting outside and shouting for the wizard to "Get your butt down here so we can kill you!"

Saying I steal it while the rest of the party is distracted is acceptable. It won't work after your allies have caught you more than 3 times.

>>11194428
You are allowed to go in the black market in a pink frilly dress disguise doing a southern accent, trying to hide the fact that you're the rogue that stole the gnome vendor's swords a few weeks ago.

>>11194505
We are not allowed to perform tricks involving torches, flaming arrows, and juggling in a public place.

No, you're not allowed to play the jumplomancer, or any of the other silly builds.

No, not even if you can roll an escape artist check high enough to squeeze up the other guy's butthole.

>>11194532
We are not allowed to go near a succubus with a shit will save. I'm still waiting for my tea, Betty White.

>>11194561
We are not allowed to let our squishy rogue with a shit will save go in to the magic user's chamber alone simply because "well that's what she always does"

>-No using time travel to abduct a young, innocent Adolf Hitler, and then convincing him through high-tech and undeniable evidence that the Jews, Poles, and Russians are evil aliens.

Thats just in bad taste... Funny up until then.

I am not allowed to be left alone at an animal market with 12 ranks in Handle Animal.

I am not allowed to go to the black market with a hat of invisibility and a hatred for gnomes.

I am no longer allowed to roll for asshole circumference.

I LOLed, good job OP

I am not allowed to base any of my druid characters on Ace Ventura.

I am not allowed to base my bard on the Music Meister and refer to all barmaids as Grey DeLisle.

>>11194640
No, you need to base your Druid/Ranger/Beastmaster on Ace Ventura.

I am not allowed to bring any more animals into our inn room, even if I was "liberating" them.

Hitting on your personal potion maker's sister can and will go very very badly.

>>11194683
Except when said potion maker is too drunk to notice or remember.

>>11194683
ESPECIALLY when you use one of his love potions for extra 'oomph'.

-I can not have the corpses of fallen PCs.
-I am to stop implying that the King is gay, as he has not fathered any heirs.
-I can not cast Tasha’s Hideous Laughter on myself.
-I can not cast Tasha’s Hideous Laughter on the party leader during important meetings.
-My psyker is forbidden from intentionally trying to roll Perils of the Warp, even if it is funny.
-I cannot have a bunch of low-level bards as followers, and start a traveling orchestra.
-If I roleplay out my bard’s song, it had better not be made out of double-entendres.
-I am not to leave the BBEG alive, bring her along with us, and force her to be my personal dancing girl.
-Making a move on the Queen is not cool, especially when in court. While the King is sitting next to her.
-I cannot have smoke bombs.
-Ogryn are not a traditional food of my people.

No matter what you say about elven sexuality, that barmaid will never believe you and that elf assassin aren't together.

I will not leave my magic scimitar behind when we go out to fight hydras, especially if it can cauterize the severed heads.

>>11194745
IT WAS ONE TIME. ONCE. UNO.

I am not allowed to take a barmaid on a magic carpet ride and sing a whole new world to her, no matter how much I beg.

I may not do that disgusting trick where I pull out clumps of hair and drop it on the miniatures while screaming shrilly.

>>11192160
I am going to name a character "Richard Joke" pronouncing the j like a y, because of those rules.

>>11194726
I cannot keep a collection of ridiculous trophies from each monster I defeat. Rotting dragon toe. That is all.

I am not allowed to kill a gnome for implying that I'm not a good enough rogue to simply steal his wares away from him.

- Casting Flame Walk and then jumping on top of a Flaming Sphere while humming that circus theme is great for entertainment, but bad for fighting Orcs.
- It's inappropriate to cast random walls of force inside other people's houses.
- It's especially inappropriate to cast it in front of the king in his own court room without him realizing it.
- Breaking a Red Dragon's neck with your bare hands is pretty cool, but also kinda ruins the mood.
- It's not appropriate to teleport inside the King's bedroom every week just to ask him if he found any Swords Of Luck for you to borrow.
- People are NOT lining up to buy your party's action figures.
- Not even the one of the Necromancer which has 'realistic sacrificial ritual action, virgin sold separately.'

Ah. . .
This has been fun!

And with surprisingly little trolling!

Goodnight, /tg/, and be well.

>>11194786
How's that succubus horn codpiece fitting?

-I am not allowed to sing you the song of my people, even when I am playing a bard.
-Just becuase I'm a human bard, doesn't mean I have to sleep with everything
-The DM is allowed to enforce child support payments with any children I may have
-I am not allowed to marshall an army consisting of my myriad descendents.

I will not use a harp of charming to play Zelda's Lullaby and suggest a barmaid come up to my nice comfy bed.

>>11194819
>-The DM is allowed to enforce child support payments with any children I may have
>Half dragon kid
BUT THAT BITCH DOESN'T EVEN NEED ANYMORE MONEY

SHE SLEEPS ON A PILE OF TREASURE FOR FUCK'S SAKE

>>11194806
Take a lick and find out

>>11194786
That's EXACTLY what I do!

10 ranks in Craft: Taxidermy FTW.

So far I've collected

1 perfectly-preserved juvenile dragonskin (black).
1 Haryptooth necklace.
2 Devil beards.
1. Quarter of an injun scalp.
15 Aboleth scales...

You get the idea. I'm still not sure what the scalp was from.

>>11194864
I am not allowed to bait the rogue who keeps a lot of very pointy things up her sleeve. Especially not when she has no compunctions about stabbing me.

My character is not allowed to wear a belt of choke gas, a respirator and photo-visors ever again.

>>11194885
I am not allowed to bait the ranger who has a strong bond with a black dragon

>>11194857
It's the principle of the thing!

NOW FORK OVER THE GOLD, FAGGOT.

- As a druid who turns into a swarm of bugs in wildshape I am no longer allowed to lay eggs in the corpses of enemies
- As the same druid I am no longer to invade every orifice on a enemy guard as a swarm
- I cannot avoid the STD's from the dirty sea wench by shifting into bug form as I climax
- My first response when disciplining fellow crew members should not be "keel haul 'em"
- Especially if it is the thirteen year old cabin boy

>>11194915
I am not allowed to bait the rogue who knows where you sleep and has a higher move silently than you do.

I am no longer allowed to use the wizard's tower for a game of Kerplunk. ESPECIALLY if I plan to use the wizard as the marble.
Firing an autocannon downwards to use the recoil to slow my descent from a 1000 story drop is a clever answer to a near fatal situation. I am not, however, allowed to do the same at ground level to try and fly. My Inquisitorial remit only extends so far, and killing random civilians just because they happen to be under my flight path is not covered by it.
I am not allowed to claim on insurance, legitimately or otherwise, especially in DH.
Mooning the enemy is only wise to do from a safe distance.
I am no longer allowed to stuff a wand of Fireball up my anus in an attempt to decrease the distance at which it is wise to moon the enemy, or to set up for a "pull my finger" gag.
Just because the monk uses his fists does not mean he is a fan of fisting, regardless of insinuations on my part.
I am not allowed to use necromancy to re-enact ANYTHING. This includes, but is not limited to, the video for Thriller, the Battle of Helm's Deep, Professor Putricide, Statler and Waldorf, or the Statue of Liberty play that won the 1949 Rose Bowl.

No matter how many times I suggest it, Occham's Razor is not an artefact weapon.

>>11194923
NO, FUCK YOU
THAT KING SHOULD BE PAYING ME FOR CALMING THAT FIRE CROTCH DOWN ENOUGH TO KEEP FROM BURNING HIS KINGDOM DOWN

>>11194819

>I am not allowed to marshal an army consisting of my myriad descendants.

Man, that was the whole concept for my NE bard.

>>11194930
I am not allowed to bait the ranger who sleeps with a lynx and a griffin in her room

>>11194941

>>11194949
I am not allowed to bait the rogue who's actually friends with the lynx that sleeps in my room, especially when the griffin that also sleeps in my room is just a baby.

>>11194949
>>11194930
>>11194915
>>11194885
Now neither of you are allowed to interact with each other ever again.

Even OOC.

In fact, ESPECIALLY OOC.

I am no longer allowed to use illusion spells to pull down the Barbarian's pants.
Especially when it results in him raging and destroying the bar.

-I am not allowed to constantly be on fire, even if I do have enough HP or fire resistance to survive it.

-Giving the NPC a freshly baked pie may result in diplomacy bonuses in certain situations. Directly after telling him that we killed his son is not one of those situations.

-I do not gain bonuses for being "underground" by filling my hat with dirt.

-I do not gain bonuses for being in "forested areas" if I made all those trees with a sack of Feather Tokens.

- ' NPC' is NOT a valid Racial Enemy.
- Just because I own a rifle does not mean I'm allowed to shout ' THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK!' after firing it every time I enter a quaint little village.
- It's also a bad way to become friends with the local law.
- I am not to assume a brooding countenance in a dark corner of the tavern while handing out fake quests for non-existent treasure troves to random strangers.
- Ordering 'milk, in a dirty glass' is unsanitary and also makes you look like a tool.
- Throwing boulders at your friends is only ok if they can catch them. Simply shouting "catch!" isn't helpful if he isn't strong enough to not get creamed.

>-Any character that is a living violation of the Geneva conventions is not allowed.

I MUST KNOW!

Not allowed to as a dwarf women "where her beard is".

Especially not the Queen.

Also especially if the King is in earshot.

Asking if she need help braiding it is right out.

>>11195377
His profession is "unlawful deporter, transferer, and confiner".

-Chandeliers are not acceptable to use in a sneak attack, especially if they were attached to a ceiling moments before
-Do not investigate the rubble
-Systematically destroying a tower from the ground up does not entitle you to the experience from killing everything inside
-Ripping a dwarven thief/trapmaster in half and using his pooled blood in an area to detect the footsteps of his invisible allies is not an acceptable tactic when you have chosen not to rage
-Adamantine does not cut through walls of force
-Auto-killing the dragon is unfair, even if you did roll three natural 20s
-Do so four times in one campaign gets you suspected of weighting your dice
-Your wizard having the highest intelligence in existence, possessing the resources, and being named Al Gore does not entitle you to create "The Wizard-Net"
-The appropriate response to discovering Vecna's actual eye is not to disect it and see if he can feel it

>-At no point will there be a Drow rendition of West Side Story.
FUND IT!

Oh, well, I've got a couple more.

-It is not possible to beard someone to death. Whatever that means.
-Smashing the door, throwing in smoke grenades, letting loose on a three-round, full auto sweep with guns, and then sending the troll through the window is a good way to attack an enemy. Not to meet a contact.
-Making misogynist comments and “little, wimpy girl” type statements to a Priestess of Llolth: Bad Idea.
-My rogue trader has never heard of Rick Astley’s hit single, “Never Gonna Give You Up,” and that is how it will stay.
-It is not possible to prank call the Imperial Navy.
-The alignment Chaotic Neutral is no longer available to me.
-The same goes for Lawful Neutral.-I cannot base any character off Dr. Evil.
-If I were to base any character off Dr. Evil, he would not be Lawful Good.

>Pic Related

My Navigator is no longer permitted to unleash The Lidless Stare without the express consent of the Rogue Trader.

In the event of the Trader's absence, the express consent of the next highest ranking PC is required.

For the purposes of this rule, all the other PCs are considered to outrank my Navigator.

No longer allowed to have a kender aboard a ship.
No longer allowed to act out a kender's crying fit.
Pretty much banned from playing kender, period.
No longer allowed to play a Juicer.
No longer allowed to play a Malkavian who thinks he is Herb from WKRP in Cincinnati.
Not allowed to take 'stone statue head' as a weapon proficiency.
Not allowed to commit diablerie ever again.
Not allowed to use a Deck of Many Things again.
Not allowed to gang up and kill the DMPC even if he's a real asshole.
No longer allowed to fight pirates.

Archiv'd

>>11192257
>-Singing opera while in Crinos WILL result in a horrible, and painful, death.

Werewolf Opera Singer is my next Galliard.

Giving the halfling a ring of invisibility is fine.
Giving a CN kleptomaniac halfling rogue a ring of invisibility is probably not.

"My precious..." jokes are only funny the first hundred times, after that rocks fall.

No invisible PC is allowed to convince a tribe of lizardfolk to worship him as a god, regardless of natural 20's.

No character with followers is allowed to sic said followers onto fellow party members regardless of slights real or imagined.

Just because your elf thinks he is a dwarf does not mean he can drink like one, roll a fortitude save.

No vorpal weapon may be enchanted with throwing, I don't care how bad your luck has been.

Mind controlling NPC's as a lie-detector is frowned upon in most civilized societies.

You cannot consecutively mind control the first BBEG just to make him your baggage boy.

>>11198877
No vorpal weapon will be enchanted with returning. Especially if it already has throwing.

Dropping a fireball at your feet in a melee fight is only a viable solution if the rest of the party has some resistance.

The fireball spell may only be used to light campfires in an emergency.

-I am no longer allowed to carry around pints of oil.
-I am no longer allowed into any brothels, anywhere.
-The GM only allows my Rogue to carry a maximum of 10 daggers at him at any time, stating that it would be impossible to carry any more then that.
-I am not allowed to have sex with the princess while she is in the castle, no matter how sneaky, witty, crafty, or suave I be.
-Whipping my dick out does not give me a bonus to charming people.
-I can not make called shots to the dick every attack I make.
-I am not allowed to make a crossdressing elven bard. Male to female.
-Nor am I allowed to make a crossdressing human. Female to male.

Bump

Bump

-I cannot open a cafe in the Doomfortress
-I cannot shout TEA AND CAKE OR DEATH at people
-I cannot kill people for not having tea and cake
-I am not Eddie Izzard
-Mounting four automatic grenade launchers on a power armour suit is overkill
-I cannot dropkick old people while using jump jets in power armour
-I cannot play a masked superhero vigilante in a gritty Cyberpunk campaign
-I am not Batman
-I am not Eddie Izzard
-I cannot carry out terrorist attacks that decimate the population of the city for no reason
-I cannot carry out terrorist attacks that decimate the population of the city in order to shorten the queues at teh local pizza place
-I cannot act like a Scooby Doo villain
-The SWAT team does not consist of pesky kids

I am no longer allowed to posses bags of holding, portable holes, or immovable rods.

If I do have any of these things, I am certainly not allowed near a huge creature capable of swallowing me whole.

-I am no longer allowed to use a Deck of Many Things and any kind of mount at the same time. That particular gag got old by the end of the video where we saw it for the first time.
-Just because I have points in Perform(Rap) does not mean I can force my enemies to surrender by challenging them to a rap battle they cannot hope to perform in.
-Same goes for Cooking.
-Same goes for Engineering, even if I found a scrapyard for the battle to take place in.
-I'm no longer allowed to use C4 as a suppository, even on myself.
-Actually, that now includes all explosives.
-Any wishes I make must be authorised by the rest of the party first. Just because I have a spare wish doesn't mean I can fiddle with the time/space continuum, the biological or physiological make up of any race, or the theological beliefs of any group.
-Having points in Bluff is not the same as using illusions. By extension, I cannot Bluff someone into hallucinating whatever I feel like.

- maynot use abominable intelligence to brainwash entire party into accepting you as leader.
- definately maynot brainwash our assassin into thinking assassin was his cover, and he is really a deep space engineer.
You maynot brainwash the ultra orthodox priest into believing heretical and outright demonic doctrines.
- may not wire meltabombs and tube charges to your potent coil so that in the event of death you kill everyone in sprinting distance.

May no longer comment : "It's not gay if you change them into a woman first!"

I think any player who takes the role of the party loonie with any regularity is bound to accrue these.

-Skeletal beasts can not succumb to lead poisoning.
-I cannot fish for elves.
-When anything vomits, I cannot collect the vomit
-No attack roll is high enough to tear the fabric of reality
-My grappling hooks only work with ropes attached
-The following classes are banned for my warforged charger characters: ninja, shadowdancer, tantrist
-I cannot store my familiar in my pants
-None of my dwarves are Batman
-My Handle Animal checks automatically fail when used on women
-My dwarves cannot take fire elemental lovers, regardless of my Charisma check result

-No longer allowed to use a Girdle of Femininity/Masculinity as a lasso.
-No longer allowed to take kleptomania as a character flaw so that I can steal the BBEG's undergarments. Especially if I am playing a gnome.
-Must always remember that a person's preservation instinct overrides loyalty. Just because I have an army that unswervingly loyal to me does not mean I can use them as impromptu mine sweepers, or to trigger traps that I know are there and can't disarm.
-If anything ever goes to trial in a game, I am no longer allowed to be: the judge, the jury, the defence attorney, the prosecutor, my own surprise witness, drunk in court, stoned in court, in contempt of court, offside, onside, imitating any fictional lawyer ever, or carnally involved with any of the above during the trial.

bump

>>11192305
>>11192160
Sadly more possible than you think. But not very sexy

bump unill sup tg is fixed

A good plan never involves the words "Crash" and "Airship"

>>11213435
Bullshit!

I must never encourage the players to choose a mix of Kender, Tinker gnomes, and Gully Dwarves as character races, nor shall I point out that if they all played sorcerers and wizards they could have a small herd of shocker lizards as familiars.

>>11192848

bump

Bombing Daycares isn't a good distraction

-smoke sticks do not conceal the party's entry into a dungeon
-smoke sticks do not damage enemies in their radius
-I am not allowed to carry smoke sticks
-I should not interrupt the lvl 20 cleric when he is informing us of the threat to the realm
-I will listen to the lvl 20 cleric when he tells me to shut up
-the lvl 20 cleric's silence spell, henceforth, will still be effective, even when a natural 20 is rolled on one's will save.
-leg humping is not an apology, even among dwarves. and nobody believes me when I say it is.
-when a locked door has a pulsing rune on the doorknob, I will not lick it
-"poop" is not an appropriate activation phrase for a flaming sword.

No member of my party is allowed to use the corpses of enemies as ventriloquist's dummies.

BUMP

Playing a halfling or gnome does not automatically destroy the game and is tolerated. Naming them 'Loki' guarantees disaster.