>>12317016
>That picture
>Knifes/blades EVERYWHERE
>None held in hands

But.... why

>>12317041

HAH! My sentiments exactly. Probably easier to just hold the damn things instead of using his forearms, or better yet use 9 blades instead of 7.

Because practicality is for sissies.

Killerbee is the only good thing about Naruto.

Expanded from >>12316437

DM: Alright, guys, lets see what you've got.
Roger: My guy's an amnesiac, and is attuned to an Artifact Iron Golem, Colossal Size. He's got average skills with ranged weapons and some unarmed, but mostly has ranks in Diplo and the like.
DM: What? Okay, fine. Dorothy?
Dorothy: Warforged. She's also amnesiac, and she's Roger's character's maid.
DM: Another Warforged? Argh, fine. Nathan?
Nathan: Roger's butler. Artificer that uses two ranged weapons when needed.
DM: Argh, fine. Angelica?
Angelica: Just look at my sheet.
DM: ...Oh dear sweet christ. Okay. I can work with this.

DM: Okay, you guys get into a random encounter with uh, a dirty hippie! And a stop sign! The hippie wins initiative, and attacks Dave's character by brushing his teeth!

Linda: Dammit, were you smoking pot before the game AGAIN?

DM: hee hee hee

"Wait, so you're an expert gunner, martial artist, and pilot? How did you get enough points for that?"

"I took rival/enemy and lover."


GM: *Trollface*

>>12317016
What's that? You survived the Demonhost swordmaster? AND you attacked a meeting of the leaders of the 5 most powerful nations in the setting? Yeah, you know what? That demon host? His brother's the leader of his village. Oh, you have fire that will burn anything, and some sort of spectral armored protector?
"FUCK YOUR SHIT, SARAH. THIS DUDE IS LKIE SAMUEL L JACKSON FUSED WITH MR. T. HE BREAKS THE SPECTRAL SHIELD THING, AND CUTS HIS ARM OFF WHEN THE INEXTINGUISHABLE FIRE GETS ON IT."

"Jeff, I swear to god if you fail one more Will roll I will fucking strangle you."

>>12317289
Oh god, I lol'd

>>12317255
raikage is like a super saiyan zangief

DM: Okay, you guys, let's see what you have ...
Jake, what did I say the last time you wanted to play an ex-cop?
Jake: Never again? But, he's not that bad. He's just an ex-cop with a robotic arm. He acts like he's still a cop, though.
DM: So, he's a vigilante.
Jake: No, bounty hunter.
DM: Same thing, but he gets paid for it. Next is... Frank?
Frank: What?
DM: You're playing a teaser slut. Again.
Frank: I- well, this one's an amnesiac.
DM: A greedy amnesiac gambler slut with a gun. It's fine, just... you don't get to have sex with anyone on-screen.
Frank: I didn't start that one, it was all-
DM: Don't care. Steve, you're a bounty hunter right out of the box. He's got an awesome backstory, and it gives me ideas. But...
Steve: But?
DM: He seems a little cliché, personality-wise.
Steve: What's the big deal?
DM: Nothing, it's just been done before. Looks like you're all bounty hunters so far. Dee? Where's your sheet? Okay, I- What?
Dee: Tech genius, androgynous, hacker.
DM: I see all that, but your character's younger than every other person so far. And what's this tick flaw?
Dee: Well, she talks in the third person. And I don't see the problem with being a prodigy. Jake did it last game, and Frank the game before that.
DM: Okay then, but you're coming in later, alright? It seems a little... better of a skill set than everyone else since it's more focused, and this is kind of a space opera game.
Dee: Later as in when?
DM: In a few sessions, to give you more time to work out your character's backstory. It's a little lacking. You can stay and see what the game's like until then, but, please, don't butt in. Okay? Okay. This has some potential to be fun.

GM: You want to be a WHAT? No. Absolutely not. Get out of my fucking house. Now.

Someone do this.

"Psykers, Dave. Japanese-themed psykers _everywhere_. Will you run it? Please? Just once? We'll let you do ANYTHING you want!"

"...this will not end well for you."

DM: You're playing plumbers?
Marty: Italian plumber brothers from New York.
Lou: They can jump really well and have super strength.
DM: This isn't a modern game though.
Marty: You said we could be anything we wanted.
DM: Alright, in that case, hand me that bottle with the skull and crossbones on the shelf there. We're gonna do some world building.

>>12317473
This would make an awesome one-shot

>Wait, so you're all playing the same character with no combat abilities?
>Dammit, I can work with this.

>>12317522
And eventually it all scales upward.

>>12317473
DM: Ok, ok, Marty. Lou got a one-shot, so you can have one too. Let me see, you're in a tropical setting...and you have to clean graffiti. Oh, and--

Marty and Lou: The princess got kidnapped again, what a suprise.

Marty: Seriously, Graffiti? Lou got to go all ghostbusters on some haunted mansion to save my ass, and I'm stuck doing community service? The fuck man?

DM: Trust me, you won't be complaining about the campaign idea for long.
LATER:
Marty: HOLY FUCK MY SUPER SOAKER CAN TURN INTO A JETPACK THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME.

Okay, so...we've got a fire-haired tsundere who is gifted with fire magic, was granted control of the fire-spirit sword which can burn anything, and is going to one day become the leader of what is arguably the most powerful fire-based clan in the setting. Fire fire fire.

We've got the little pretty-boy who is only mildly able with fire magic and, despite having any real combat abilities, is able to scrape by in every situation because apparently all of his friends will drop what they're doing at a second's notice to save his worthless ass.

And we've got the son of the fire clan's most gifted and powerful magic user who couldn't start a forest fire in a forest where the trees are made of gasoline and cow farts, so he was outcast from the fire clan at a very young age. But he makes up for this by having drawn up a contract by the very gods of wind to grant him their power any time he wants it, and is arguably the most powerful magic user on the entire planet now. Oh, and he totally has a dark and mysterious past where his love was killed right in front of his eyes so he's very mysterious now.

Fuck all of you.

>>12317372
Steve: "Guys, this is julie. She's going to play with us."
GM: "Hi julie. um... okay, you can play, just make sure not to wreck the game haha. I'm kidding."

3 hours later

GM: "Okay, so this campaign's over. Not how I wanted to end it, JULIE, but still an okay ending. Was thinking of a samurai game next, who wants to play?"

>>12317372
It only lacks:

DM: Mike, I don't gte your character
Mike: He's just really smart, like McGuyver
DM: The sheet says he's a dog. a purebreed one.
Mike: Yeah, I had to take a ton of flaws, but I wanted at least SOME status
DM: How will you help if you can't talk
Mike: I'll figure it out

>>12317564

>despite NOT having any combat abilities

My mistake. I would hate to imply that he brings any real use to the group in any sort of fight.

>>12317434
You know that time, the time you have siblings, and you try to get them into RPGs?
The complication is that they're half your age...
Then you realize their a thousand times better than half your normal group, and move on to find a better group.

A bioroid prostitute, a corporate spy from a biotech firm, his Chinese refugee assistant with a bloody past...all good. I think this Shadowrun Thailand game will be pretty good and I'm not even sorry I let you guys talk me out of modding out the fantasy elements.

Will, Jen; I'm not sure how your two cops are going to fit into this. They both have a flaws that say have to do everything they can to keep foreign biotech out of Thailand...which might come into conflict with the rest of the group, who are biotech smugglers and a highly illegal bioroid import you'd have to kill on sight.
----
Seriously guys, each time I try to gather the party together and get you all on the same page you throw a monkeywrench into things.
----
After saving Bangkok from flooding...you're going to save Thailand by flooding Bangkok?!
----
A two year campaign and all five PC's were never in the same room at the same time!


(Also, Carlyle was a DMPC that got screwed over hilariously.)

>"A 20th level spellthief pedophile with 1 rank in Knowledge: Religion can not pass for a holy man. Also, how high were you when you made this backstory?"

"Care to tell us more about this elite Pretty Girl Squad we're going to fight?"

>"...Fine. Let's rock."

"OK guys, my little brother wants to GM. Don't be too hard on him, okay?"

BEST. GM. EVER.

"Your character... what? He wants to... WHAT!? Nonononono, absolutely not, get out of my house!"

GM: Alright, this will be a combat heavy campaign in a 1900's setting, but with magic and aliens. Hand in your sheets....

What the hell!? Seriously what the fuck guys? You're all... steamengines? Where did you even get these feats and classes, are we even using the same system?
Fine, fine, I'll just improvise some social scenes...

>>12317668
When in doubt, combine!

>>12317622
That was an amazing book.

GM: Don't worry, you're not going to have to fight it.

PCs: Well, okay, wasn't really looking forward to a second TPK-

GM: Because you're going to have to fight the guy that kills it.

PCs: ...FUCKING GRIFFITH

>>12317715

At first I thought Anderson Lake was the protagonist.
Then Hock Sang
Then Captain Jaidee and his lieutenant by default afterwords
It really took the whole novel, but Emiko fully fleshed out as the hero of the story by the end.

Anyways, I only saw an audio version. How did they spell Grahamite priest? Like that? I'm wondering if Billy Graham or his jerk son are supposed to have come up with the whole Noah's Ark full of different foods religious sect thing or if the name was referencing something else or nothing in particular at all.

DM: Okay, okay, okay, let me see if I've got this straight... Andy has animal follower, Matt has animal follower, and... you all have animal follower, then?
All: Yeah.
DM*head in hands, breathing heavily*: Fine. I can work with this. Matt, Ben, you have leadership abilities, right?
Ben: Yeah.
Matt: Well, my character has three sisters, and she shares the abilities with them, but yeah.
DM: Okay, you're both the heads of training facilities for those animal followers. Andy, you're on a journey to prove yourself against them and a group of others like them, all with theme teams.
Andy: AWESOME!
DM: They're following you... I don't really know why, you really don't have the abilities to back it up, but you're a decent roleplayer.
Andy: Okay then.
DM: Aaand you really can't pursue a love interest in the story, because your character's really, really oblivious.
Andy: Fine, not into that kind of thing anyway. It's creepy.
DM: Okay, game on.

"So for our magical girls game, you want to be a lesbian."
"Yes."
"Absolutely not."
"And you want to be uranus."
"Absolutely."
"Uranus doesn't fit with the whole astrology theme we've got going, since it's a modern planet."
"You let mark be neptune, and his character's bi."
"His character what? Let me see that character sheet!"
"Hey! No! You already gave him the go-ahead, it's just not fair if you just go back and say he's not allowed! Besides, Ralph wanted to be a little girl, and if you let that slide I don't see what's wrong with being a lesbian."
"I hate you so much."

>>12317782

Fuck, that was supposed to read
>"Yes."
>"And you want to be uranus."
>"Absolutely."
>"Absolutely not."

>>12317571
Was going for the super smart pet since Ein took to Ed, but that's even funnier.

>>12317434
>Japanese-style Adventure Time.
FFfff... actually, I'm oddly okay with this.

Okay, I explained that this was going to be a modern-day spy drama or sorts, where you hunt terrorists. So...why THE HELL are half of you playing little girls? Are you a bunch of pedos or something? Every damn game, I swear to fucking god!

*GM calms down* Okay, fine. I...think I can work with this. It's too late to turn this into some sort of high school game, so you'll still have to be ready for combat and will be doing the same things. Actually, the more I think about this, the more it could work really well. You trust each other enough to work in close teams, right?

"Harriet, George, can I talk to you?"
"Sure." "Yeah."
"This...isn't working out well. Harriet, you need to tone down the 'man-hating lesbian' angle. It's getting kind of old. And you're annoying Mary."
"But my flaw is-fine."
"And George, you're creeping me out. You mention one more time how attracted you are to that kid you guys are chasing and I'm tearing your sheet in half."

Still needs someone to do the original Gundam

Deryl: Alright. Guy ready.

DM: OK I... your guy is a white-haired half-demon with a bastard sword? How did you get stats this high!?

Deryl: I dunno. I figured I'd just be one of those cockey bastards.

Sean: OK got my guy too!

DM: What the hell!? You're a white-haired half-demon with a katanna!? That's even worse!

Sean: No see. I actually did some study on samurai and I'm making him all seren and calm and shit.

DM: Alright I'll do it but on one condition. You're brothers.

Deryl: Uhhh

Sean: Alright?

DM: *grins*

"Guys, I said this was a jungle warfare campaign. Why did you all roll up actors?"

So you wanted me to run Mouseguard in a modern-day setting?

DM - Alright ladies, character sheets the lot of you.

*snickering by the group as he goes over the sheets*

DM - What the fuck you cuntstains. I said fucking historical political campaign and the whole lot of you roll min-maxed warriors?

Geoff - I put points in body scuplting!

DM - THAT'S NOT A FUCKING STAT. TOM.

Tom - Yes?

DM - It says Warrior as a class and you have the weapon proficiencies...

Tom - So, what's the problem?

DM - You are a fucking ugly ass mutated hunchback with different arm lengths. How the fuck can you hold the shield and spear you have proficiencies in?

Tom - I'll make up for it in determination! Besides, Tim's rolled a Warrior AND his Wife!

DM - Tim, milf politician queen is not a sufficient nor acceptable character description.

Tim - You said political campaign, I made due. Besides, if Jess comes back she can play Queen to my manly King.

DM - I've just noticed, if you are all warriors, why are none of you wearing any armour?

Tom - Or clothes.

DM - What?

Tim - Ignore him. The cod-pieces and the crimson cloaks count.

DM - I hate you all. This is the last time I run a greek/middle eastern campaign. You know what? Fuck you all. The Persian Diplomat has just arrived at the King's door with the intention to declare war...

>>12318311
I. SEE. WHAT YOU DID THERE!

Uh, Op, Sasgay doesn't use a katana

>>12318341
I don't. More of these posts need sources.

>>12318341
Yes, he's talking about Codpiece-I mean Reign.

>>12318373
It's as if there were 300 sources it could possibly be from.

>>12318364

>>12318311
slowclap.gif

>>12318398
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chokuto

>>12318373
Looks like it's 300.
------------
"-it's not going to work. She's mute and makes a living butchering corpses. Nobody's going to want to spend time around her!"
"Check my equipment; I bought a vocalizer thingie. And the "secret identity" trait so nobody knows she's the "Cleaner" without her scrubs."
"It's still a stretch..."
"Hey, if you let Ron roll a Japanese businessman and haven't killed him yet, I can play this."

>>12318437
Sawyer is fuckin' awesome.

DM: OK can we PLEASE go over this one more time?

Jason: Well. You went to go get a coke and told us to roleplay. Then my character managed to trick Greg and Sally's character into a grove of trees where I tied up Greg's character. I succeeded on a diplomacy check to convince Sally's character to tell me the location of the gold, but then she pulled the honour card on me and then me and Greg's character kinda fought. It was pretty wicked man. And then I killed him and she ran away.

Sally: OH YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT. This guy, literally he tries to rape me. Then I free Greg's character and tell him to kill my character cause like, fuck this if playing a girl is gonna get me in this sort of shit it's not worth the trouble. I have to answer a call so I leave the table for a second and then Greg's character is dead.

DM: Alright, alright Greg?

Greg: OK. Jason molests Sally's character-

Jason: I DID NOT

Greg: And then he was all like "Help me find the treasure" and she agreed. But then he was all like "What? I just molested you and now you wanna help? Bitch you crazy," so he asks me if I should kill her or not and I say "dude let it go" and then she ran. Then he let me go and I decided to kill my guy off.

DM: Yea but why!?

Greg: This game's stupid that's why. I'm out.

Marvin: ... uhhh... that's not how I remember it.

DM: Oh Marvin what do you recall?

Marvin: Well I saw Jason's character hitting on Sally and she made her sense motive check. She got angry over it and told Greg to "defend her honour as a lady" but he really didn't wanna. But she made a good intimidation check and the two fought. Kinda bad really. Neither one really hit until the final stretch of combat where Jason's guy managed to stab Greg's guy in the chest. Sally was away when it happened though.

DM: And what about that magic dagger Greg's character had?

Marvin: ... I dunno?

DM: *sigh* Great.

Marvin: Hey man. This happens. I'll treat you to lunch ok?

>>12318379

it's like he isn't even troying.

DM: Okay guys, turn in your sheets for the Rogue Trader game and give me a brief explanation.
Mark: Okay, I guess I'm the head guy, the Rogue Trader himself. I'm very knowledgeable and a good leader, but have been grooming my son to take out.
DM: Ah, and I see Sal here's playing the son.
Sal: Yeah, my character's a lot more naive and trusting; he wants to go on adventures and be more outgoing than his father.
DM: Sounds good so far, and I see we have a potential source of conflict here. Scott, you're playing the Seneschal and Mark's character's brother?
Scott: Yeah, I wanted to go darker this time, so I'm playing a lot more devious than usual. I've also got 3 serf underlings.
DM: I can work with that. Ralph, you're playing the Explorator?
Ralph: Yeah, pretty standard affair; mumbo jumbo and the like. Ended up with a surprisingly high fellowship though.
DM: Don't worry about it, makes for a more interesting game. Now Tim and Paul, I know you guys won't be able to make any sessions for the next two weeks, but I'm glad you could come just to explain how you guys work.
Tim: We're playing a two man team of Missionaries, out preaching the good word
Paul: I figure we can hook up with the crew when we get back, you can just write us in?
DM: Of course, of course. Glad you guys came up with something sane this time; no more playing as non-sentient aquatic life. I think I have a perfect campaign for you guys
*chuckling coming from Sal. The DM stops to look at his sheet again*
DM: Oh what the fuck, you can't put Lion as your goddamn race!

"Sherri, you can stop with the accent. It's not funny any more."
"You shut up, dumbass. My accent not funny, I just not learned stupid language good."
"...Shut up. Just. Shut up."

>>12318437
>>12318482
Shenhua, her and ROTTON ZA WIZARDO make the best adventuring party of the year.
All years.

>>12318311

DM - Geoff, this is a realistic historical campaign with some serious political elements, I don't think Ranger with Prefered Enemy - Jewish Race is going to fly.

Geoff - Oh. I guess I'll go to art school and respec as a Bard like Tim.

>>12318634
That one has me stumped. What is it?

>>12318655
Think about it. Just look at the descriptions, not the class, and remember lion.

>>12318509
*slow clap*

>>12318601
I think the Black Lagoon company is a contender. Almost.
If I had any good Rotton pictures or could think of anything I'd write one up for him.

>>12318674
Ooooh, subtle.

rolled 18724 = 18724

GM: Alright Agamemnon, you and your army are on the shore of Trojan Lands. It looks like the coast is predominantly held by archers with a palisade.

Agamemnon: Okay guys, we-

Achilles: I order my men to charge the beach.

Everyone: What?

Achilles: *rolls initiative*

GM: Fuck. Uh... okay. Make a command check.

Achilles: *rolls command check*

Ajax: AHAHAHAHA FUCK ME I WANT A PIECE OF THAT! *rolls command check* Fucking row you bastards! I want in on that action.

DM: Ok, guys, this session-
Shu: Dave?
DM: What?
Shu: Uh, well, the girls and I've been talking, and... we're not really comfortable with the way you've been running this campaign.
DM: Eh?
Sara: The rape thing, Dave.
Lala: Seriously, I feel dirty when I go home.
Nabuca: I can't even look my mother in the eye anymore.
Shu: So, we've agreed that we're kicking you out.
DM: What?
Shu: I'm sorry dude, but frankly, I feel like we might as well be playing FATAL, and I'm sick of the way you keep pissing on me for not being a goddamn bastard.

>>12318762
Proud father raising his son to be the next head of a dynasty? Scheming uncle trying to take over? Lions? DID YOU HAVE NO CHILDHOOD MAN?!

>>12318674
I just got here, what is it?

>>12318791
Oh my god...

>>12318762
>cannot into nostalgia
You poor poor man. Go spend some time on /co/.

>>12318791
>Proud father raising his son to be the next head of a dynasty? Scheming uncle trying to take over?

To be fair, that could be nearly anything. Scheming uncles seem to be a pre-requisite for royal families.

>>12318509

-Grins-


Players: A fat ex-Nazi with stat dumps in Charisma? And he's the BBEG? Come on, you're just going to smash him with the vampire! What's he going to do?

GM: -smirk-

>>12318829
Okay, but how many of those involve LIONS?

>>12318791

Question, where do the missionaries come i- ohhhh, never mind.

>>12318860
You...I...Wha...

Welp, I'm done here.

>>12318844

Fair point. I got it myself just after I made my last post.

rolled 17643 = 17643

>>12318545

... The Lion King?

>>12318860
Are you fucking serious?

>>12318844

I kept thinking wizard of oz. And the whole rogue trader thing threw me off; I also thought dune which almost works except the lion wouldn't make sense.

>>12318545
>no more playing as non-sentient aquatic life

So they did a Little Mermaid campaign before this one??

>>12318860

Here have a hint

MAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SUBEN YAHHHH

WAWAWICHI WAWA

>>12318915
I figured Spongebob

>>12318923

Alternatively, just make a Hamlet reference.

>>12318896
>being upfront
Doing it wrong.

Greg: Here's my character sheet.
GM: Cool, cool. Wait. Why is is toughness so high?
Greg: He's supposed to be tough.
GM: I guess that's- REGENERATION? You can't start with that!
Greg: But I took flaws! Socially stunted and crippling Apathy!
GM: Fine! But I'm going to throw you in with Barry's engineer. And she's a corpse!
Barry: It's cool. She can hack people!
GM: Goddammit Barry. Anyways, lets see your load-out, Greg.
Greg: >:D
GM: What the fuck?!? What armoury did you get that from!! Get the fuck out of my house!!

>>12318545

>>12318791

...

Hamlet?

"What do you mean, 'random backstory'?"

Frank: okay, I'm gonna roll my handle animals check.
*rolls check*
DM: okay, you charm the dragon, he's your companion for life now.
Everyone else: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK

>>12318915

Flounder the fish, Sebastian the Crab, that fucking seagull.

Yes, yes they did.

>>12318974
>>12318942

You know, I always wanted to do a remake of The Lion King, but make the lions human again and set it in France, (in the Royal House of Lyon, naturally) and see how long it takes people to notice it's a) a remake of The Lion King and/or b) it's a remake of Hamlet.

>>12318984

Just before the session:

DM: OK so everyone rolled up Barbarians eh? What about you Frank?

Frank: Oh uh. I did Ranger.

DM: Ah I see. Favoured Enemy Dragons?

Frank: Ehhehheh...

DM: Lemme see that... Frank your strength is 9.

Frank: Yea.

DM: and your Charisma is 20.

Frank: Yea.

DM: What're you gonna do with this?

>>12318545

Yeah, I got it, but who's supposed to be the Explorator? Rafiki? And the two Missionaries are Timon and Pumba right?

>>12318778

OK, maybe I'm just slow, but what is this from?

>>12319094
Rafinki is the explorator (techpriest -> shaman)
T&P are Missionaries, spreading the good word of Hakuna Matata

>>12318953
GM: Greg... how many digits did you type in "age" again?

I want to do something with this guy and his crew but it's hard to be snide.

>>12319100
Now and Then, Here and There

Jesus christ that was a grimdark setting. I wasn't ready for that, I was 12 but I was hooked. The interactions and characters were so realistic, down to the war crimes and atrocities, and how it scars the survivors as well as the perpetrators.

The hero was impressive because he was able to retain being noblebright even through all the shit that was happening, just seems like the most honorable samurai born in the wrong era.

DM: Alright, so remember everyone, this is a dark low fantasy political intrigue setting, whats everybody playing?

Ed: I play an honor bound fighter, who believes in different gods from everyone else
DM: What? Your not going to be fighting much and that honor may weigh you down
Ed: Thats fine, i'm like a great tactician or something and i like to point out the moral highroad to people
DM: *Sigh*, kay Dani what are you playing?
Dani: Im a fallen princess descended from dragons, and i have three dragon eggs
DM: What?!?! This is low fantasy, and how could you afford all of that anyway?
Dani: Oh, i took the hunted flaw and my enemy and family are the same person.
DM: Thats...you know, whatever: Ed the king shows up, says he wants to give you political power second only to his
Ed: Awesome!
DM: Dani Your getting married to a king...like guy and get some free dragon eggs as part of the deal
Dani: Sweet! None of this could possibly turn bad!
DM: Kay Brienne, what are you playing
Bri: A female warrior in a mans world
DM: Oh yes, that should work out fine for you

>>12319287

Yeah I skipped that one. I had it recommended to me in the same breath as Grave of the Fireflies and Saikano.

The latter destroyed my ability to feel sorrow for three years. I didn't feel like risking it.

>>12319363

>>12319207
awesome books, still have the third one to read.

>>12319363
This. . .
I mean. . .

FUCK. It all makes sense now.

And it turns GRRM into an even bigger IRL troll than I ever thought. He's trolling the fuck out of his fans, and nearly every RPG group ever.

*Tyrion (and possibly Petyr) coolface.jpg*

>>12319437
More like critiquing standard run fantasy.

Want your competent warrior woman who can handle a stand-up fight? That could happen... with a woman with endocrine issues....
captcha: faid suener

>>12319498
Oh, of course you're right.

It's just entertainig to think of the whole series as a campaign, and each time somebody ragequits or gets drunk a death and weird stuff happen, and the GM has to bend his plot around that.

Sometime during the 5th session:
DM: Alright Dan, with Bill off bitching about a girl and not fighting, you're the main asskicker on this team.
Dan: Fine. Alright, lets see what happens
...
DM: Are you sure those dice aren't weighted? Fuck it, Aeneas can't die here, his goddess-mom comes in to rescue him and-
Dan: I use Cleave.
DM: What?
Dan: I use Cleave on the goddess. She's the goddess of fucking love, not like she's much use on the battlefield.
DM: Fine, roll for it...Those things HAVE to be weighted. You know what, let's just see how you do against the GOD OF FUCKING WAR!
Dan: Yeah, according to this, Athena gives me some sort of preferred enemy bonus against him. My shield's a flamethrower now. Oh, and I attack Ares...Oh yeah, critical!
DM: Fine. The god of war runs back to mount Olympus, crying like a bitch.

>>12319423
You will not BELIEVE some of the dickery heading your way then.
Readable dickery though, if I have one complaint about ASOIAF it's that Martin seems to enjoy fucking his characters over. I could tell when some bullshit was going to happen to someone with around 95% accuracy after the first couple of times.

DM: Didn't you make a deal to marry that one Lord's daughter in exchange for troops and passage?
Rob: Yeah, but i found true love, and besides whats the WORST he could do

DM: so youre all animals? Why is the Rabbit the captain? Why not the Gorilla?
Jake: I didn't put points into leadership skills, I just went with mechanical engineering
Tim: Rabbits are awesome.
DM: Rabbits are typically not green. Nor are cats psychic GINA
Gina: Hey, we're allowed to play whatever we want within the confines of the story, so why is Bill a human?
Bill: Hey, we're in a space and animals. Humans are totally animals. Photon accelerators would have universe traveling properties anyways
DM: I don't think you know what a photon ac-
Bill: ITS OKAY. Be more concerned with Dave. He's playing a duck with four arms. And hes a pirate. There aren't pirates in outerspace
DM: fine. ROBOT FROG OVERLORD IN SPACE. You're all assholes.

Anyone want to try X-Files?

>>12319667
Herpers gonna derp.

>>12319423
Prepare for a very bitter, very bad ending.

"I'm still not sure what's going on."
"What do you mean? Your character has that artifact claw and is on a quest to- "
"-Yeah but your descriptions are a little weird. Did I rape Josie's character or not?"
"What about me? I can't make out these scribbles on my sheet. It says I'm a 'homoclus.' Does that mean I'm supposed to act this gay?"

>>12319793
It's sort of like 'Rocks fall, everyone dies.'

Except it's 'War, most people are mutilated and raped and killed and set on fire, incest, backstabbing betrayers everywhere, all magic will eat your soul, and the good guys lead a band of merciless slave soldiers and a band of former criminals'

"Okay so, Jim you're a dock hand who has tentacles grafted onto his back and is being sold into slavery, Ben you're an aristocratic translator who'se forced to leave the city under a cloud because of a tenuous connection to a string of murders, Jack, you're playing a spy carrying vital information and Mike... you're playing a swordsman raised by the undead with a Dex of 22 and an ancient relic sword that when used strikes all the possible places you could stab someone at once... goddamn Munchkins"

>>12319793
>>12319913
Am I the only one who thought Abercrombie did the whole 'subverting the fantasy genre' thing better than Martin? ASoiaF was always too predictable (in general terms) for me.

>>12319935
To be honest, I never found ASoIaF to be very 'subverting'.

It's gritty, and . . .realistic, to a degree. People die. What I really liked was that everyone has his or her own agenda that mostly made sense from the characters point of view.

DM: Wait, so you're a doctor.
Player: Yeah.
DM: But you put 7 points into your handgun rank.
Player: Yeah.
DM: And 5 in hand-to-hand combat.
Player: yeah.
DM: ...and 10 in interrogation...
Player: Is there a problem here?

GODDAMIT FRED QUIT HACKING THE DICEBOT

>>12320114
I had a Dark Heresy character like that, team medic but also interrogator, pistol expert and fellowship out the ass.

>>12319915
Holy shi-....Ubel Blatt?

>>12320442
The Scar, I'm guessing.

Player: Look, look at my character sheet!
DM: What the fuck are you? I seriously don't get this.
Player: I'm a cute girl.
DM: And what do you do?
Player: Cute things. Look, look, I'm so moe! moe moe kyun~!
DM: Goddamn it, you're a fucking bard! You're supposed to do something useful!
Player: I am doing something useful. I'm a cute girl doing cute things. Is there anything wrong with that?
DM: You are supposed to play a bard, not some fucking retard who happens to know the guitar! How the fuck are you able to help?
Player: But you said I could do anything that I wanted, so I decided to make her. And my friends are making characters just like me in your campaign.
DM: Goddamn it.

"It's not like.... I like you.... or anything...... I just decided to join... your campaign...."

>>12320659
Taiga?

GM: "A child prodigy alchemist with two artificial limbs. How, exactly, did a small child lose an arm and a leg?"

Ed: "A failed alchemical experiment."

GM: "And the golem minion?"

Ed: "It's animated by the soul of his younger brother."

GM: "I'm not sure that's even possible. And you do realize that creating humans is illegal, don't you?

ED: "Yes."

GM: "Okay, moving on. Your character is a colonel... if you're in the military, why do you have maxed out Alchemy and no gun skills?"

Roy: "I can use the quick alchemy rules to create explosive gas in combat. Then my character uses his lighter to set it on fire. By the rules, it's more effective than any of the firearms listed."

GM: "...Fine. I don't see why not. Anyway your character is... Strongarm Armstrong? Seriously?'

Louise: "He comes from a long line of bare-knuckles fighters."

GM: "So why does he have Alchemy too?"

Louise: "He transmutes by PUNCHING."

GM: "You know, I should be irritated that you all made combat-focused characters for an occult horror/mystery campaign, but... honestly, I'm impressed that you managed to use the alchemy rules like that. Just give me a little while to rethink the setting and plot; I think I can make it work."

>ctrl+f
>no Metapolcalypse
I've never seen it but it sounds like it'd be great for this.

GM: "Look, Alan, I really don't think playing a kid is a good idea. I mean, you don't even start with any weapons."

Alan: "Why not? If there's anything that requires an adult, Sarah's character can handle it."

GM: "Well, yeah, but she doesn't have any weapons either. Although it says here you can use magic, so I guess.. Wait, what the fuck Sarah? You didn't take ANY of the same languages as Alan. You won't be able to understand a thing you're saying to each other."

Sarah: "Yeah, I know. It all ties in to my backstory though, look. I'd rather not change it, I think it works pretty damn well."

GM: "Shit, it kind of does. Okay, I suppose I can make this wo- Oh what the SHIT IS THIS? Alan, how the fuck are your Courage and Athletics scores so high?!"

Alan: "Oh, that. I took a couple of flaws, my guy's Cursed now or something. We need to figure out a weird physical trait for him to have, too. I figured since you're so good at those big arching storylines, you can probably do something awesome with that, right?"

GM: "..Yes. Yes, I rather think I can."

Let's see... Battle Droid gunman, fair enough ... Holy shit, I think the only flaws you don't have are Logorrhea and the ones that require blood. And ted, your character only didn't take Mute. This was supposed to be an exploration game, you two...

Wait, you both took the Secret flaw and didn't specify what it was.

Alright, separate to start with. Ted... What, you're not Prince, you can't name your character a symbol.

I'm not calling your character ".

Fine, Quote works.

>>12321141

FUCK YEAR

DM: Okay guys, I got the game plan for our next campaign. It's a murder mystery on a family owned island and you'll be playing members of the family visiting for the annual family reunion. Catch is you're all fucking crazy and backstabbing assholes. I'll handle the servents and other NPCs, if you don't mind, and it's a modern day fantasy so feel free to pick some interesting spell powers.

PCs: Well okay that sounds reasonable enough.

DM: <Troll throttle set to troll>

>>12321141
Alright, Mom told me to take care of sis for a while, so Imma have her run a side character. I know, I know... She worked up a character beforehand, and it gets some of the areas you're completely lacking in... Yeah, unfortunately... Look, she's probably not going to be around for that long, it's fine.
Alright then. Sue's in the village you fell into...

rolled 13492 = 13492

GM: Oh god, there is a shit ton of you guys. Uhm... I'll come up with something.

GM: What a second, you all rolled fighters? No wizards, nothing?

GM: ... I can work with this.

DM: You've gotta be kidding me. Your strategy to fight the illusion-using BBEG is... to wear a blindfold?
Rob: While Jim's character shouts directions!
Jim: That's important! I can see through the illusions!
DM: So why isn't Jim doing the fighting?
Rob: Duh! Because my Strength is way better.
DM: ... Fine. You're taking a -5 penalty to attack and defense rolls. That's on top of the -3 penalty for not being proficient with your weapon.
Frank: Dammit, how much longer before I get there?
DM: Groucho says doing the best he can; you'll trying to climb the whole tower. It'll probably be about five combat rounds. Alright, the bad guy wins initiative. Make a defense roll at -8.
Jim: -7! I'm giving directions!

(one short combat later)

Rob: Booyah! That's a third natural 20! Buh-bye Shadow Tribe dude!
DM: This is bullshit. He's the leader of an army, and he has several decades more combat experience than you. And you just killed him in one hit.
Rob: While blindfolded!
DM: I hate you all.

"Dammit guys, I told you this was supposed to be a modern day campaign! Instead Steve's a prince with some fucked-up racial template with a billion disadvantages, Jeff's playing another god-damned furry, Paul is a knight, and half of you have a giant robot in your inventory. At least Alex listened to directions and made a... wait, where did you get the character points for all these precog powers? And why do you have 'Enemy: Sir Isaac Newton' written on your sheet?"

Alright, sci-fi campaign, heavy focus on combat, splatteran aliens...
What.
A reporter.
Where did you even find that Alien Jesus perk?!
Goddamnit, what fresh hell do you have, Erin? Alright, muppet mechanic... again, no combat skills...
Well, Mike can't show up for a while, but he's got something like a combat character.
You'll just have to survive until he joins the party, I guess.

>>12318915
Actually, the one they did before this had them playing as a rogue, a monkey who took Greed as a flaw, a bog-standard spoiled princess who took a tiger as a combat pet and then forgot about it the whole game, and then two guys who joined up mid-campaign. One of them never said a word, the other would have been THAT GUY if it wasn't for the fact that everybody thought he was amusing.

Oh, and the whole thing was actually a flashback narrated by Crazy Hassan as he attempted to unload the campaign's MacGuffin onto an unsuspecting passerby.

>>12319935
>>12320089

Glokta was a bro, though.

Probably gonna ripoff his concept for a character.

>>12319659
There is no way Diomedes' player wasn't using dirty cheating dice.

>>12318509
This is fucking godly, well done.

>>12319793
This.

>>12319935
He just went way too far with it. REVERSE EVERY TROPE EVER AND MAKE EVERYTHING POINTLESS.

Ninefingers' story was the only interesting one.

DM: So, are you still mad about my setting the campaign in Sheffield? I know it was boring at first, but I told you things would get more interesting once the plot kicked in.

Players: ...

DM: Look, you said post-apocalyptic campaign. I delivered. "Let the buyer beware" and all that.

Players: ...

DM: ...if you wanted this to end well for any of you then you shouldn't have insisted on a no-magic modern setting.

Players: ...

DM: Come on Jane, I even let your character have that kid she wanted!

Jane: Did... did you really have to end the campaign by describing the corpse the nurse gave her?

DM: ...yes. Yes I did.

>>12321590
sauce?

>>12321241
Mom's not going to be happy when she finds out why the DM's little sister is sobbing uncontrollably.

>>12321723
Beyond Good and Evil, which has nothing to do with Nietzche and everything to do with wacky future politics and sneakan.
Also aliens.

DM:OK I see you want to play a colossal warforged. How are you balancing this out?
Steve: I'm not playing a colossal warforged, that is my suit, I'm the human pilot for it, Plus Gary and I are pooling points.
DM: And I see Gary you want to use a small flying warforged who believes that Steve is infact a fellow warforged?
Gary: Yeah, why?
DM<mutters>: for the love of Mike.

>>12321753

Oh my god I haven't seen that show in forever. What was it called? The Big Guy and Rusty?

>>12321778
Yeah, there's a comic as well.

DM: Alright, I know you wanted to try out that Catrpg or whatever, but I have a plot written out for Call of Cthulhu, so we're doing that. I don't want to hear any lip about it, either.
Pass me your sheets.
*shuffling*
DM: Pug, Beagle, Husky, Doberman... I'm sensing a theme here.
Players: Well, there wasn't really a race slot, so...
DM: You know what? What the fuck ever. Give me a bit to rewrite some stuff.

DM: "Okay, so I've been working on a setting for traveller. It's set a thousand years in the future. Phil, you... wow, do you want to re-roll your mental scores?"
Phil: "Nope."
GM: "Okay, and Lisa, you rolled up an alien... how do you have so many combat skills? And your backstory- ooh, very nice. And Howie, I think when you typed up the character sheet you added an extra digit."
Howie: "Nope. I'm pretty fly for an old guy."
GM: "*sigh.* Fine, whatever. Okay, Bob, I want you to PROMISE me that you won't just act like your rogue character and steal everything you see."
Bob: "I'm a robot, what reason could I have to steal things?" coolface.jpg

Next session:

GM: "Okay harry, you wrote up a character without combat skills but ranks in... oh god."
Harry: "Limbo."
GM: "Yeah... Limbo. Okay, amy, did you bring a character sheet?"
Amy: "bring a what? Was I supposed to have one of those? Oh, don't worry, I'll just play myself."
GM: "That sounds like a fantastically bad idea, but I'm past the point of caring. Zach, another alien, ooh this looks good; you're a doctor... why did you put zero points into your starting money?"
Zach: "I'll make a lot of money as a doctor."
GM: "But all your ranks are medical knowledge for your own species, not humans. You're going to be more or less worthless."
Zach: "aww...."

"Okay, before we begin I'd like to go over a few things on your character sheets. Specifically you, John. First of all, what the fuck is a Kwisatz Haderach?"
"Well, you know how you created those Bene Gesserit chicks? You know the ones with all the cool powers?"
"Yes."
"I wanted to play one, but I didn't want my character to be a chick, so I kinda wrote this backstory where Paul's this specially bred guy who can still use Bene Gesserit powers without being a chick."
"Ugh, fine, fine. Okay, but what's with all this Muad'Dib business?"
"Like, Paul used to be part of the family ruling this planet called Arrakis, but then got overthrown by an evil baron. Then he became the messiah of this race of awesome desert warriors who call him Paul Muad'Dib."
"That's just... Fuck! And what about all these powers?"
"As the Kwisatz Haderach, Paul can see the future and the past. He also has the powers of a Bene Gesserit and a Mentat. Also, he's a great fighter."
"You goddamn munchkin."

>>12321873

>I think when you typed up your age on the character sheet you added an extra digit."

fucking proofreading, how does it work?

>>12321873
And then Zach was That Guy.

>>12319678
i love you for this.

Okay, so everyone has their sheets?
>Yep.
Good, good. Let's review.
Combat gunner, combat gunner, combat gunner, combat gunner, heavy combat gunner (there's a fucking twist), another heavy combat gunner, wait. Why do you have "officer" on your sheet but no actual practical experience skills for combat?
>This is my first time in the field.
Who is the other officer, then?
>I am. He's kind of like a paternal version of R. Lee Ermey. But black.
Ohhhhhh-kaaaaay... let's see here, combat gunner (hey, we got another black guy!) and ... android? Wait, what?
>Its in the rules.
Well, yes, but this is a combat mission, you dolt.
>It just says I can't humans. There might be other things I could do.
The game world has 6,000 explored worlds and zero sentient alien life and ... fuck it.
>Did you see mine?
Huh? Oh. A chick pilot, played by a guy? I can deal with that. Moving on...

... you're in orbit over an alien world and a distress signal has gone out..

>>12322146
What you did there.

>>12322173
I didn't see it. Explanation, please?

>>12322179
ALIENS

>>12322179
A female pilot on a spaceship full of marines.

>>12322189
>>12322193
Right, committing nerdpuku now.

Everyone got their sheets?
>Yes.
Okay, moving on. You guys got the pre-game handouts, right?
>Yes.
Good, good. Who is playing what?
>I'm playing a convict.
>I'm playing a convict.
>I'm playing a convict.
... what the fuck, guys. I said I was recreating the one of Homer's plays and everyone made a fucking convict?
>Yes. Mine is a dumbass, as well. A Southern dumbass, to be precise.
>My guy is dumber than his character, actually.
>I'm playing the smartest of the three. I speak in a semi-gentlemanly fashion.
Let's see those sheets.
Wisdoms of 9 all around. Wow. That's actually impressive.
>I have a Charisma of 18.
Let me see that sheet.
..what the fuck? Why did none of you take something like climb but pumped everything into .. singing?

You are aware you'll be facing off with sirens and cyclops, right?

Fuck it. You all manage to escape prison and meet up with a blind man on the way home...

>>12322220
post pics.

Okay so you're all fighter pilots?
>Eddie: I'm their commander.
I told you guys I wanted a political game with intrigue and mystery set in space. You guys just made a squadron.
>Eddie: Just base the intrigue and shit around my ship.
YOUR ship?
>Eddie: Yeah, I'm the commander.
Okay whatever, I'll figure out something to make this work.
>Jamie: You're just going to make it up as you go along and then never really explain everything this time too, huh?
...

Dm "Guys can we stop with the OOC jokes IC"
DM: "And can you guys focus on the time paradox or the alchemizing instead of which of your characters should date"
Ashley: "But Look at how the troll has been flirting with them its SOOO KAWAII! they have to love each other"
Dm: :.......

Okay, let's review here. An old war veteran, his "wife", a black street performer, a silent psychopath, a combat engineer with a rice fetish, an inexperienced prettyboy, and a cyborg peasant with a chainsaw.

And they're all samurai? You guys do realize this is a sci-fi setting, right? With guns, space ships and giant mecha and stuff. Swords and bows aren't going to help you.

>>12322232

>>12322243
And the first two campaigns it was the best game ever. Then it just started to suck donkey balls.

>>12322365
Well it always starts fun when the GM just wings it.

I guess it just tends to end the same way as well...

Okay, we're ready, yes? I'll go around the table and see who is playing what.
>I'm playing a female assassin.
>I'm playing a female assassin.
>I'm playing a female assassin.
>I'm playing a male assassin.
>I'm playing their boss.
And you?
>I'm playing the one who got away.
Oh, wow. This complicates things.
>I want to shoot her in the head for leaving the group.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow your roll.
>I roll to hit.
JESUS. Calm down.
>I got a 19. That's a hit.
>I'm pregnant, you bastard!
>I DON'T CARE BITCH
Seriously, guys.. this is ... this is needlessly antagonistic.
>Can I roll to survive the bullet?
Wait, what? Uhhh. Yeah. Lemme check...
>I got a 20.
JESUS. Let me find the fucking page first, bitch. Damn.
>I'm in a coma.
>She's in a coma? I poison her.
>No.
Wait, you shot her in the head, put her in a coma and suddenly you're all "no"?
>Yeah. Let her come find me. *IF* she makes it out of that coma.
Well. This game got off to a fuck-awful start...

>>12322303
>and a 13 year old steam-powered cyborg peasant with a chainsaw
Fixed that for you.

>>12320896
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/4259103/

STOP WITH THE FUCKING MONTY PYTHON REFERENCES ALREADY.

John: All right, here's my character for that school life RPG, ordinary high school kid who's a bit of a smartass but-
GM: Great! My GMPC will be in charge of the party of course, she has all her stats maxed out and the world actively changes to accommodate her desires.
John: What.
Al: Here's my sheet.
GM: How could you afford all this with the starting points? It's OK though, I like a challenge, just remember that I'm the GM and my word is law here.
John: That's all very nice Al, but I wish you'd spend even half as much effort on in-character dialogue as you do reading the character optimization forums... it's like your characters never talk at all.
Mike: I'll play a maid with large breasts.
GM: Ooh, that sounds good. *fapfapfap*
John: How the hell does your maid have the ability to travel in time?
Mike: Oh come on, she's only level 1 so I can barely ever use it anyway. And I have a charisma modifier up the wazoo so your character has to like mine.
John: What about your character, Dick?
Dick: Oh, I've already cleared it with the GM, but since I'm the mysterious transfer student I probably shouldn't tell you all the details yet. Including my sexual orientation.
John: I guess I'm better off not knowing.
GM: Right, we're all set for the first adventure! Just follow my GMPC and we'll be sure to find loads of plot hooks! And you'd better keep her happy or there will be hell to pay.
John: *facepalm*

Sam: Look, I'm not sure about playing Mage, I mean, we had a lot of fun playing Vampire...

GM: Just me give me your sheets. Okay, so Sam's a rogue self-taught wizard with frankly pathetic stats, but he makes up for it with Regen, Kelly is playing the orphaned daughter of high ranking wizard, Ann's playing a 9 year old mage with stupidly high stats due to genetic enhancement traits but pays for it in CON, and Henry have you decided yet on whether to play this asshole brother or his sister who's... wait what? What the fuck?

Sam: Oh god, it's not like when Henry was playing as that maid was it?

LATER

DM: Okay, now, ALL of you get combat familiars.
Sam: How many points is that?
[DM misreads the number and accidentially adds an extra zero.]

LATER STILL

DM: How the fuck can your familiar be the ghost of king arthur, SHE'S A GIRL.

Sam: So?

[DM then sees Kelly's servant. Head explodes]

EVEN LATER

DM: Okay, so, Caster is summoning multiple bone golems to combat you, Sam, your Sword Servant is still wounded, and Ann's character is out of stored magic gems, and your trapped in the garden.

Sam: Any chance I could try and trace something useful? Like that spear the irish guy was using?

DM: You could try, but you're head would explode most likely. Hmm. Okay just as she's making the usual bad-guy spiel a rain of weapons descends from the sky and kills her... standing in the moonlight you see a man standing in Golden Armour on the wall of your compound. Your servant seems to flinch as if recognising him.

Kelly: Oh god, it's like last time where we solo'd that dude with all of those animals inside of him and you threw an episode and sicced a guy who couldn't actually die on us.

Sam: Who I then killed.

DM: SHUT UP ABOUT THAT.

GM: Ok, politics and intrigue campaign! Let's see what you lot rolled up... Former Japanese Prime Minister, former Ukranian Prime Minister... Really? Ukraine? Fine I'll roll with it... Former US President, wait how did you get that much strength and health? Oh right, really old and idiot son... Ex-President AND current Russian Prime Minister? How in the hell could you afford that AND those implants? I'll have to check the maths later... And finally, the Pope. The Pope? Really? Well I suppose he does technically rule the Vatican City... Wait does that say Weapon Focus: Mahjong?? ... What the... You've ALL taken Weapon Focus: Mahjong??

>>12323704
Legendary Super Aryan Hitler approves.

>>12323704
>>12324059

*5 sessions later*

June: This is like a Who's Who of the 3rd Reich! Wait, did you just say Richard Wagner is with them?
Vlad: Didn't he die in the 1800s or something?
GM: Nazi science sneers at staying dead!

*2 sessions later*

GM: Nazi science sneers at staying dead!
Julia: Yeah? Well Ukrainian science sneers at staying alive!
Ben: Says the girl who just stole information regarding the secret to eternal life from Joseph Mengele.
Julia: ... Shush you, I never said my character was particularly rational.

John: What the fuck is this, Dave?
Dave: What?
John: A fucking Wyvern? For our very first encounter? And Mike has to fight it on his own at LEVEL ONE?
Mike: This shit is fucked.
Dave: Look, guys, just... stick with it. It'll get better I promise.

Later...

John: Okay, so not only have you forcibly rewritten all our backgrounds, you're handwaving every encounter we actually start winning so the enemy does ridiculous damage on the counterattack.
Dave: That's not me! That's the system. It's called RISK.
Mike: Called "asspull" more like.
Logan: Wait a minute guys, can you tell me how the weapon rules work before we move on? Seriously, how do I get the weapon I want?
John: No-one knows. It's fucking incomprehensible. Maybe we could ask an NPC if we weren't trapped in this stupid dungeon.
Dave: You guys wanted to come here!
John: No, you ordered us to! And now WE CAN NEVER LEAVE.

>>12317473
>>12317491
I actually ran this a few weeks back. Well, the PCs weren't Mario & Co., because the players had no idea what I was doing, but it was basically Super Mario Bros. World 1-1 through 1-4 adapted to a D&D 4e one-shot, with a few other things pulled from other games (e.g. a Chain Chomp / giant big-mouthed golem on a chain).

It was pretty awesome. The players didn't even catch on until they came to the room with a dragon on a bridge over lava and a switch/axe on the other side.

>>12324169
That final boss, man. That motherfucking final boss.

>>12324227
Heh. *Hit* 0 Damage. Wait, what? FUCK!

>>12321483
>And why do you have 'Enemy: Sir Isaac Newton' written on your sheet?

Because Sir Isaac Newton is the DEADLIEST SON OF A BITCH IN SPACE!

DM: Goddamn it, I said we were running a gritty military game, why are you all highschool students?

Players: What's wrong with that?

DM: Well aside from the fact that there's like 14 of you, NONE of you apart from two or three of you have rolled up any stats worth a damn for a war campaign. Fine, you're all students in a Military School. Also: No Nell you can't be a prinny again.

Nell: Dood!

DM: Look, I'm fine with the ace reporter schtick, but there's no racial subclasses in this game. Now what did you take Helen?

Helen: I dumped all of my points into getting a tank.

GM: I like how you were the only one who actually listened to me when I said military campaign.

Randy: Hey! Come on! I listened! That's why my character has all of those leadership stats and that backstory involving my brother!

GM: I guess... wait, why has Zach chosen to be the same ethnicity as the guys your at war with?

Zach: For the lulz mostly.

GM: Goddamn, I am going to have snipers kill you all first chance I get.

>>12323615
You should\ve said Wizard instead of Caster.

>>12324285
At least it's better than last game, where one powergaming asshole decided to give the DM a blowjob in exchange for magic laser powers.

GM: Okay, that last campaign ended up as being nothing but a string of one shots, but this ones going to be different. Were playing a high fantasy feudal japan style setting, what are your characters?

Ian: I'm a 100 year old half-werewolf half-demon with levels in spellsword.

Carl: I'm a perverted exorcist with a vortex grenade for a hand, except every time I use it I lose permanent HP.

Steve: I'm a child werefox illusionist, I guess

Claire: Uh, Demonslaying Warrior with exotic weapon proficiency in Boomerangs. I mean, Australia isn't THAT far away from Japan right?

DM: Eh, you've done worse.

Ann: I'm a 14 year old schoolgirl.

DM: ...wait what?

Ann: There's a well that leads back in time in house and I have ranks in Cleric and Divine Archer.

DM: That makes no fucking sense.

Ian: No it's fine you see her ancestor sealed me away a hundred years or so there'll be plenty of in party drama.

[DM begins to develop a hundred yard stare in response to the words "party drama" in the aftermath the last campaign]

>>12324333

Never played the first game. I don't have a Triple.

Sid: I just have to hold out for 20 turns, right?

DM: Yeah, but it's not going to be easy. The priest is going to attack now.

Sid: AoO. 14.

DM: Nope, you whiffed it. You get hit with a Flurry of Blows.

Sid: My DR should reduce it down to-

DM: Nope, his attacks are unaffected by your DR. You take full damage.

Sid: Wait! I have a shitload of temporary hitpoints from the transformation. He isn't taking me down that easy.

DM: Fuck.

LATER

DM: Fuck, are you serious?

Sid: You approved the feat, didn't you?

DM: Alright, the priest's hand breaks. He takes 1d6 damage.

Sid: That's progress.

DM: Yeah, but now all of your temp hit points are gone. You're going to start taking real damage now.

LATER

Sid: Fuuuccck. I'm prone?

DM: Yep. If you can't make this save, he's going to coup de grace you.

Sid: 20.

DM: SON OF A BITCH.

Sid: Also, I'm going to use Stunning Fist. Well, that's a 18. I think I have 6 more usages there.

DM: FUCK.

LATER

Sid: Shit, I failed the save.

DM: You aren't getting up. He's going to finally coup de-

Sid: Wait, what turn is it?

DM: It's- Are you fucking kidding me?

Sid: HAH. Looks like I win.

DM: Fine. The priest tells you that you've won before dying. Now go and complete your mission.

Sid: Alright. Time to destroy the evil cup.

>>12324418

I have no idea.

>>12324458
Kotomine vs Shirou at the end of Heaven's Feel.

DM: "Right, lets see what you've rolled up for this campaign, Sam let me see what you've got....Right, fighter, decent stats lots of points in intimidate and interrogate...fine that'll work.

Sam: "Ought to yeah, I'm the party lead by the way

DM: "Sure, Fred lemme see what you've got...wait what's this about bowman, your to-hit is just awful."

Fred: "It's not that bad, I mean my character is a war veteran! I'll just rely on lucky rolls"

DM: "you know, what, whatever, it's your funeral, Tom what've you got?"

Tom: "Well, I've rolled a rogue, but he's more of a stealthy type than pure combat based"

DM: "You've taken no combat skills whatsoever, and what the hell is this special ability, sidle? Where did you dig that up from...you know what, whatever, Carr, what've you got?"

Carr: "Take a look"

DM: "...wait what the hell is this, Strength 20, Dexterity 20, Charisma 20... how the hell did you manage to get all this plus maxed out diplomacy?"

Carr: "It fits into my backstory"

DM: "...yeah about that... Dwarves? Heir to the Throne? You know what, fuck you. You start off, suddenly there's a fucking dragon in the city, it's your job to stop it, lets see you solve this.

DM: This device array you've got is ridiculous, especially with the transforming robot bike, I'm reducing the DC to rip the belt off you by 10 points.

Terry: Oh come on! That'll make it stupidly easy to do, people will be going for that instead of actually fighting me half the time!

DM: Deal with it.

Terry: Fine. My character is also a werewolf.

DM: O_O

GM: Okay, and you've rolled a 1 AGAIN for your Con test to survive disintegration from the suit.

Mike: *sigh* that makes what? 6 Character sheets you've made me do with this belt?

GM: Just stop rolling fucking ones, or take someone with a shit-huge CON.

Mike: That last one HAD a shit huge CON! The only way if I could take it any higher is if I... fine.

[later]

GM: Okay, in order to pay for a massive CON score you've had to take the Rival (main character) traits, psychological mother issues and a piss poor Cha score and according to this your alignment is Neutral Evil?

Mike: It's the only way I could make it interesting...

GM: You're seriously both going to be Chaotic Good Paladins?

Connor: Aye.
Murphy: Yep.

In a modern, mafia and intrigue-centric campaign.

Connor: Yep.
Murphy: Aye.

GM: And you're brothers?

Both: You got it.

GM: This is gonna be a short campaign.

...

GM: Okay, you decided to try the Sam Fisher routine and ended up fighting about rope in an airduct for 5 minutes... Fuck it, You both fall through the vent. Roll for a Use Rope check, both of you.

Connor: One.
Murphy: One.

GM: You're tangled up in the rope, hanging upside down in the middle of a circle of armed mob bosses-

Both: SURPRISE ROUND!!!

GM: wut

Both: Quick Draw!!!

GM: wut

Both: Two weapon fighting!!!

GM: Oh for fuck's sake. Roll to attack, then.

Both: Twenty!!!

GM: Oh... holy shit. okay you kill two of them. Surprise round ov-

Both: Great Cleave!!!

GM: wut

Both: Twenty!!!

GM: FML.

GM: ...dang. I know I said I was using lethal damage here, but I didn't expect it to be THIS lethal.

Delia: Oh goddamn, I can't believe I got killed by a fucking bunny rabbit.

GM: I know, I actually thought you'd make the distance as well.

Mike: Perhaps she should have used her vaguely defined lightning powers?

GM: SHUT UP. WE AGREED NEVER TO TALK ABOUT THAT.

Terry: Thank fuck for my werewolf having regen is all I'll say.

GM: I'm still not convinced that's how that works, but uh, I guess you're character dies, start statting out a new character?

Delia: Fine. But I'm playing a guy this time.

Mike: I make a grab for the belt!

GM: Make a contested agility roll with the Were-Dragon.
[rolls]
GM: Okay, you fail your roll and the Were-Dragon get's the belt and transforms. You are all fucked now.

Terry: What else is new?

>>12324473

Later:

DM: "Alright, so you're on the roof of the building, the dragon begins swooping towards you

Fred: Right, I want to take a shot at it... BUT...I want to make all my modifiers negative rather than positive.

DM: "...what? Why the fuck would you want to do that?"

Fred: "just trust me on this one, it's a sure fire thing"

DM: "Ugh... fine... roll away."

DM: "That's a 1, your shot misses terribly, the dragon completely incinerates the whole roof, serves you right for acting like twats"

Fred: "Wait!... 20"

Tom: "....20 here as well"

Carr: "20"

DM: "Oh fuck that."

>>12324703
Every one of Pratchetts City-Watch Books has a fuck yeah moment (apart from the Fifth Elephant) and this was without a doubt Guards Guards.

DM: Okay, standard sword-and-sorcery game. Let's see what disasters everyone's made this time. Mike has a monk... good lord, a 4 in Charisma?

Mike: My other stats were good enough to not bother rerolling. Three 18s!

DM: Freakin' munchkin. Next we have Jess and her bard... wait, how did your Bluff and Disguise bonuses get so high?

Jess: I found a really cool feat in Dragon. I also get bonuses to creating distractions.

DM: Eh, sounds fine. Tim's playing an elven wizard I see... Tim, I told you I've houseruled Polymorph Self out of my campaign, it's too powerful.

Tim: It's an important part of my character! She's a princess, okay, but she can't be seen helping the rest of the party so she follows them in disguise. I'm only going to be polymorphing myself as dogs and cats and stuff. I swear, no MM2 creatures.

DM: I'll allow it, but I'm holding you to that. Wayne's got a ranged-based fighter, that's fine... age seems a little low, might want to think about bumping it up. ... Jack, you left your race section blank.

Jack: It's a homebrew golem. I have the intelligence of a housecat and restricted movement, but I get-

DM: Oh holy hell, what is this? Natural armor class, damage resistance, Gargantuan size and... you have a cannon as a natural weapon? I asked for fantasy characters and you bring in a sentient tank?!

Jack: You let Wayne have grenades and a machine gun!

DM: WHAT. Wayne, gimme your sheet back.

Okay, Tom...you're animal companion is a bear.
>yup. I named him Bosco
But I specifically said every creature in this campaign is a hybrid creature.
>But I just want a bear
Then roll a platypus bear, or a badger bear, or a bear sloth...
>But look at the drawing I did! *shows picture* see, he's even got a cute little hat and jacket!
goddammit. fine. I don't even care anymore.

Jolyne: "Wait, the BBEG is accelerating time? I thought we agreed no more time powers after what happened with the gangster game!"

GM: "I also said no more retarded stretching of a power's limits after the gangster game too. WR's zipper guy still gives me headaches."

WR: "FUCK YOU BRUNO WAS AWESOME! Also, how did I bend weather manipulation too far?"

Annasui: "You were turning people into snails through subliminal messaging within refracted light. I'm not sure what the fuck that is, but it ain't weather manipulation."


*Several character deaths later*

GM: Okay, the universe has been destroyed and rebuilt. Emporio, you're the only one alive.

Emp: I go to my hideout

GM: Enrico is already there. He has you cornered, and begins monologuing.

Emp: *after the monologue* I had WR's stand disc Enrico ripped out earlier, and have been filling the room with ozone while he was talking. He should be paralyzed now.

GM: ....

Emp: I beat the fucker to death.

GM: okay, everything sort of snaps back, and the new universe is a mix between Enrico's and the old now. Emporio's the only one alive, but you meet up with similar counterparts to everybody else. Good game guys.

Jolyne: "I wanna play a western game next time!"

Someone should do a vinland saga one

>>12325087

"Okay, Thorfinn gained a level after the London battle. You're back in camp recovering."

"I challenge Askeladd again."

"GODDAMMIT MIKE FOR THE LAST TIME HE'S LIKE EIGHT LEVELS HIGHER THAN YOU NOW AND HAS BETTER ARMOR, A FUCKING REAL SWORD, AND THIS IS THE EIGHTIETH TIME FUCKING CHRIST."

"I'm roleplaying dammit!"

"You know what? Fine. He drops his sword, and makes a 'come at me' sign with his hands."

"I charge."

"He had a readied action, and fucking breaks your nose. *rolls* hit. *rolls again* 35 damage."

"But he was unarmed!"

"And has Improved Unarmed Strike, and is a fucking level 20 Fighter you asshat Jesus fucking Christ!"

DM: Okay, as you’re sidling across the cliff-face, you suddenly come across the fox-faced swordsman you encountered earlier. His rapier is drawn and he’s offering you his salutations. Sam, you’re in.

Gary: Oh wow, Sam, another pretty fencer-type swordsman? I guess it’s not like anything particularly bad happened with that last one, huh?

Sam: Shut it, not my fault.

Gary: Whatever. I shoot the fucker with my arm-mounted crossbow.

DM: Goddammit Gary…

Sam: Dodging... with a 17. That’s high enough, right?

DM: Yeah, easily.

Sam: Cool. I go for a flurry of attacks with my rapier. Huh… 10. That could have gone better.

Gary: Great Cleave motherfucker.

DM: Nope, you find you can’t swing to one side because there’s a fuckhuge wall of rock there, and you can’t swing to the other ‘cause it’d put you off-balance and hurl you off the cliff-face. In fact, your bigass sword is utterly useless here, and you have incredibly limited space to dodge with, so Sam’s flurry is going through despite his shitty roll.

Sam: Sweet.

Gary: You cunts.

DM: Did I mention that the sun’s in your eyes? Yeah, he gets an attack of opportunity now.

Sam: FLURRY!

Gary: Fuck you. I can’t believe you’ve resorted to trying to kill me with ANOTHER PLAYER.

DM: Eh. You know what they say. Sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire.

>>12325117

"You two fight again in a room filled with pillars. There isn't enough room for you to great cleave."

"I hate you..."

>>12325184
Gary: I cleave the pillars!

>>12325236
GODDAMMIT GARY!

"Okay, so your character sheets... let's see..."

*reads*

"... oh hell no."

>>12325236

DM: Both your arms are broken and the Aberrant Caterpillar Demon bears down on you.

Gary: I swing my sword at it.

DM: I said BOTH your arms are br-

Gary: Are my teeth okay?

DM: God damn it...

>eauths tentacula
>Captcha says vampire squids are honorbound to adhere to their oaths.

GM: Ok guys, who's up for some cyberpunk covert ops action? First I'll need a basic idea of what role everyone is playing in your unit.

Mike: Cyberware assisted sniper, basically I'm thinking this guy has had a long career in the military as a marksman before being recruited for this unit. Perhaps the best sniper there is. Cold and stoic character as you would expect.

GM: Reasonable enough.

Steve: Team rigger, basically our expert on all things computerised with plenty of experience on keeping all our cyber-brains with the latest cutting edge anti-hacking software. Mostly he'll stay back and work the tech angle, supporting the team.

GM: Sounds cool enough, though I don't want to waste too much time on the matrix side of things.

Mark: Well, I'm playing your basic street samurai, heavily modified for close quarters combat, a cyberlimb, obvious cybernetic eyes, wired reflexes, the works. Good all round soldier with leadership skills and a bit of mechanics for maintaining our drone pool. He's a pretty chill guy.

GM: I can live with that, though you seem to play the same guy in every game.

Kevin: Well, my guy is a former detective, practically no cybernetics I'm thinking I was brought on the team so we're not completely disconnected from normal people. Otherwise he's pretty sweet wise, great detective skills, can use a pistol pretty good, reasonable at talking... you know, so we've got someone who can talk to people.

GM: Phew, well good thing someone thought of that, what about you Paul?

>>12325719

Paul: Oh, well I wasn't sure if we'd have all the bases covered so I thought I'd branch out and be as self sufficient as possible. Ok, so she's a full body cyborg, basically downloaded into this cybernetic shell as one of the first prototypes for the technology, so you know, basically the government owns her soul. From there she's got all kinds of experience in the military but primarily she's a world class hacker... oh, sorry Steve, didn't know what you were playing, but it's cool, she's more on the front lines you know?

GM: Wait, what the hell, you are more heavily modified then Joe's character, you have your ranged skills almost as good as Mike's character with EVERY weapon, and you're a better hacker then Steve? What the hell?

Paul: Like I said, I covered all the bases, if it makes you feel any better I got plenty of social flaws, she's barely human and feels the need to make up for it by dressing up like a hooker.

GM: God damnit, Paul.

Dm: Ok, so, let me see some character sheets.

Raul: Here. I got the son of a Lord, who's dad has come into possesion of a new fief. Got some psyker from his momma, and Close quarters combat trained by the family's Master of Assassins. He also might have a bit of a messiah complex.

Dm: Goddammit. So, a combat whore, again, from you. Jesus, what did I expect? Jessebell?

Jesse: I'll actually be playing psyker mother. Old school witch training blended with total body control. Monks with clairvoyance and mind control, fuck year!

Dm: Jess, I am dissapoint. Severely. I might have to cancel this campaign and just cry for 4 hours every Friday night. Save me from this maddness, Rajh.

Rajh: Brace yourself for a good hard roleplay fucking, my friend, I give you my masterpiece. Picture this; a desert man, tribe leader, born to kill and drink the bloodwater of every victim...but he's deep and brooding and has a dream for his tribe, nay, his people...and a phrophet-projection complex. Raul hooked me up with that little gem.

Dm: *Bang* Oh, look at that, a new forehead sized dent in my table. We'll call it a dice-crater and never mention this again.
*Sigh*
oooookay. Let me see what I can do with this...

Raul, you have mortal enemies, sworn to rip the fief from under your feet and replant it under thiers. You also have a cousin for some reason, we'll get to that later. And...Fuck it. It's a desert! I hope you all get eaten by a sandbird. The dice must roll...

>Amnesiac leader with great tactical and strategic ability and a mysterious power.
>Healer with alchemical knowledge to treat all diseases.
>Ninja boy looking out for his sick sister, two archer followers of undistinguishable sex obsessed with him.
>Knight of the realm, expert fighter with a pole arm who later turns on his corrupt ruler when it becomes clear they can no longer win against the revolution.
>Wandering Paladin girl who fights evil where ever she finds it and lives by her honour.

GM: so what are you playing Jeff?

Jeff: Well, I was thinking about a escaped slave from a rare race of people, here it's from this rare source book...

GM: What the hell, Jeff? That strength bonus is crazy, where did you find this thing?

Jeff: Nah, it's cool, it's literally all she has. Strength and hit points. I bought some of it off with her addiction to alcohol and insatiable high metabolism.

I have no idea what system this'd be in, but it TOTALLY makes me think of a particularly creative Rocks Fall, Everybody Dies.

Someone do SMRPG: LotSS

>>12325855
Isn't that the guy from UN Squadron on the SNES?

>>12327262

DM: Okay, were playing Merc and Planes, the setting is is early 90's with Ace Combat superweapons thrown in show me your characters.

Steve: My character's an ex-commercial pilot who got tricked into signing up with the Merc outfit by an evil coworker who went and married his fiance in his absence.

DM: A little melodramitic but okay, what are you flying

Steve: Crusader.

DM: Okay, Mike... you've just done yourself but as an ex-navy pilot, hence your F-14 what are you doing Dom?

Dom: Wait, did they HAVE to be pilots, I was just going to run the party mechanic.

DM: It's tempting, but yeah, I'd prefer it if you all were pilots. So just pick a plane.

Dom: Warthog?

GM: Okay. Good, well I hope you aren't all that attatched to these characters, I'm expecting a fair amount of party turnover.

[many sessions later]

GM: I don't fucking know HOW you survived that. Fine, the last of the Stealth Fighters hurtles into the ground and even through the heavy cloud, rain and lightning you can still make out the explosion. I swear to fucking god those dice are weighted, every NPC wingman I give you dies like a bitch.

Players: I guess we aint EVER going to die huh?

[several more sessions later]

Player: Fuck. Guess we should have taunted him like that huh?

DM: Damn skippy.

Players: So let me get this straight, the BBEG of this huge campaign you've got planned is a NE Treant?

DM: An immortal Treant wearing fullplate, with 5 levels in fighters and 20 in sorceror.

Players: Wait, when you say immortal...?

DM: Gene, have your old dude make an intelligence test.

[rolls]

DM: Okay, your character vaguely remembers that the first group of heroes, as in the REAL Heroes of Light, not you bargain basement, all that's left, chucklefucks couldn't kill him after 20 years of persistant trying. They could reduce him to a splinter and he'd just grow back.

Players: So, how the fuck do we stop this guy?

DM: Stop him from breaking all of the elemental crystals in the world that he's trapped in, and that also enable your planet to fucking work.

[later]

DM: Well you bollocksed that one right up didn't you?

>>12327825
I'd like to see someone explain AC:0 in this style.

>>12327943
I really need to play that game at some point...

>>12327950
Do so. Immediately.

You can get a fucking PS2 for twenty bucks so you have no excuse.

>>12327961
I've got a PS2, it's AC0 that I need. I guess I can get it for the cheap but...

Also, could somebody do Guin Saga?

Eric: So, we get sentient power armor with which to fight? That sounds ni... Wait a minute, mine forces me to do WHAT?

[Later]
GM: The enemy is a few meters in front of you, eyeing your movements.
Dave: Do I have anything that will reach from standing position?
GM: Sure.
Dave: Alright, I use it... 17. Good enough, I guess?
GM: Roll a Will save.
Dave: Huh? ...Okay, 15.
GM: You cannot see the face of your foe, but you are sure he is quite shocked as six of your ribs, dart forward, passing through his armor and stabbing him squarely. With his movement restricted, your intestines follow, modified to damage his metal carapace. You are in great pain, though fully conscious as the flesh-modifying capacity of your suit keeps you alive.
Dave: ......

[Later]
Eric: Wait, so you're telling me this thing has equipment that would put a Titan to shame and can drain the heat in the area to keep its energy reserves going?
GM: In a nutshell. It also eats children.
Eric: ......

[Later]
Eric: BLACK HOLES? IT'S BLACK HOLES NOW?

[Later]
Eric: Did that bitch just BREAK THE MOON WITH A KICK?
Dave: Why didn't we get HER armor?

DM: Okay guys, we're gonna play a little WoD grimdark political campaign, lets see your characters. What the fuck is this? You're character is a highschool kid with a couple of sticks and no skills.

Sam: Yeah, I'm gonna be the world's first superhero.

DM: But you have no combat skills. In fact, you have NO SKILLS AT ALL!!

Sam: It'll work, trust me.

DM: Whatever, you'll just get your ass kicked constantly. Anyway, moving on... Wait, Sarah, why is your character 11? and where the hell did you get all these combat skills? You have no social skills, how are you going to play a political campaign?

Sarah: What? she's badass!

DM: Maybe I can work with this ex-cop contact that you took.

John: Actually, I'm playing her ex-cop contact who is also her dad.

DM: Let me see that... You also have nothing but combat skills and where did you get the resources to buy... AN ENTIRE MILITARY OUTFIT'S WORTH OF EQUIPMENT?!?

John: I took the arch nemesis flaw.

DM: Whatever, Dave, what are you playing?

Dave: I'm the son of a mob boss who also wants to be a super hero.

DM: Wait a minute, you don't have any skills either? Aren't you going to spend any points at all?

Sam & Dave: Nah, it'll be okay.

John: Oh, Dave's dad is my arch nemsis.

DM: What the fuck? Whatever, I can make it work.

Several sessions later...

John: Dammit, my character died.

Sam: That was awesome! Thanks for buying the rocket pack and miniguns, John.

Dave: I am so going super villain on you cocksuckers.

>>12328356

kick-ass? Never read it, but it sounds like it.

So let me get this straight, guys.

Mike's playing a guy who can telepathically control bees by exploiting Animal Ken, John's playing as the man who invented sniping and is photosynthetic somehow, Carl only has "Gene Simmons as The Predator" on his sheet, Andrea is playing as an insane pyrophilic cosmonaut, Scott's playing the psychic ghost of a ghost psychic, and Kaitlin somehow broke the rules so hard she has a gun that can't run out of ammo. Her bio also said she gave birth in the middle of a World War II battlefield.

I think I can work this.

>>12328442

You're forgetting the cat-obsessed idiot who tries to use revolver-only skills with a pistol and abuses the Charisma system to get a squad of cheerleaders, the guy who took the "diarrhea" flaw and failed to increase his other stats enough to make up for it, and the player who used all his starting money to buy batteries and bullets, implant them into his skin, and claim they give him powers over electricity and the ability to use his body as a mobile turret.

>>12328474

Nah, those are all NPCs. The PCs would be Cobra Unit for the first game, and slowly get picked off at the end by The Joy's Retainer because of bullshit politics.

Then they'd keep going and that fucker became a GMPC in the backstory and EVERYTHING revolves around him, so they just made ridiculous troll-tier characters to keep fucking up the GM's plot.

>>12328544
I can also see this going on for years, with PC's becoming BBEG's and GMPC's over and over again.
It get's to the point where the guy with Diarhhea is actually doing okay, and there's some bullshit involving ninja's and some robots that moo and everythings explained with NANOPROBES, and they haven't a fucking clue what is going on, the only time they really enjoy it is during the light hearted Christmas oneshots.

>>12328593

Decades pass, and the GM's campaign notes are eventually unearthed by his kids. They sort of make a 50 years later setting, where robot assassins are killing people and the players have to stop them.

One player is an amnesiac ex-military detective
Another is a homage to William Gibson
The last one is the tiny assistant robot that goes with the first player.

Within minutes of their first session the second player is killed and has to play as his character's daughter.
Then the GM got REALLY mean.

>>12328610

Then, after that campaign is finished, the GM has his masterstroke. A cop drama set in a space colony.

One player is a Detective who's been cryogenically frozen for 20 years.
The other is his badly aged partner
Another is the daughter of the cryogenically frozen detectives ex-wife.
The last one finds Meryl's character sheet and uses that.

The main character from the last game has a cameo, shit get's deep, corporate politics, genetically enhanced hitmen and a fully awesome time is had by all.

GM: Ok, I know when I said I'd run a Lunar Exalted campaign that someone would pick an odd animal as their totem, but a hedgehog? Come on! And what the fuck is an echidna? ... Fine, whatever, you're up against an Alchemical that's been turning beastmen and animals into minor Alchemicals.

>>12328716
Sounds almost like the one with the Hedgehog Lunar, the Freak two tailed fox lunar, the half-alchemical rabbit lunar and a few other fight to free creation from an alchemical... never did get past the second campaign arc though.

>>12328716

Then somebodies kid brother wants to play as a Fox with flight.
The DM portentiously comments that he doubts he'll ever hear so retarded a character concept in his life.

Five campaigns later he commits suicide due to someone pitching the concept of a "White, Time Travelling Hedgehog from an alternate dimension trained by that other players Fire Aspected Purple Cat with hovershoes."

DM: So lets get this straight, Cameron, you took foolhardy bravery, and instead of putting the points you got back into combat feats, you put it all into Skill: Inspire and more feats to make you immune to fear.
Cameron: I can use all that to inspire myself, right? I took the feat that doubles the bonus from being inspired.
GM: Nah, you'll have to change 'Hero-worship' to someone else.
Cameron: No problem, I'll put it on Jim's character.
GM: And you Jim, I told you this would be a mecha campaign, why did you take a character with no combat skills, and maxed out your Tool (Drills) skill? Oh, and you also took Hero Worship for Cameron's character.
Jim: Yep. Thought it might be fun to roleplay. I took Fear (Earthquakes) and cowardly too.

>>12329036
DM: And Cameron, there is no feat MANLY AS HELL!

DM: Cole, you realice Rangers are not proficient with JOUSTING SPEARS, right?
Cole: Yeah, but I took a very small one that acts like a dagger, it's just for flavor, really!
Hannah: Ugh, Cole, why do you always have to make such shitty characters? Whatever, here's my PC...
DM: Uh, Hannah, this eye...
Hannah: Yeah, I took a bunch of mental flaws to afford it, hehehehe
DM: Ok, but please, try to actually ROLEPLAY your character and not just act like yourself please! Will, your sheet...wait, did you took Sociopath AND maxed your Empathy skill? Also, it says you're a hacker, but you've got no points in hacking"
Will: FUCK I KNEW I FORGOT ABOUT SOMETHING
Gary: Duuude, just take it easy, ain't the end of the world...hey bro, here's mah sheet thing...
DM: It's...full of cigar burns, ugh...and those are just random scribbles! Wait...WHAT? NO, YOUR CHARACTER CAN NOT BE A FUCKING JUGGALOO
Chris: Hey guys, sorry I'm late, here's Annie, my new friend, she's playing with us! We already made our own sheets!
DM: Uh, ok...wait, where did you got that overpowered weapon from? AND WHAT THE FUCK ANNIE, THIS CAN'T BE YOUR FAMILIAR, IT'S TOO OVERPOWERED!
Chris: *whispering* Please man, I think I can just get laid tonight, don't ruin it!
DM: Oh yeah, you can fucking BET on it

>>12329036
>>12329074
GM: So sue, you want to join our game? That's cool. So you want to play as a gunslinger/sniper. Glad someone took some combat skills, because neither of these two could survive the encounter I have planned for today without it. . .

>>12329287
GM: Leo, you want to play a mechanic, that's cool. What's this character flaw? Odd Behaviour: Flamboyant?
Leo: Yeah! He's a fag!
GM: The one time you play a male chara-. . . y'know what, fine! And you have less combat skills then either of the other two. At least Jim's leveled up some.
Jim: Oh yeah, by the way, next week has to be my last week, I'm going to Canada for a month.

>>12329340
GAh!

Make that Cameron that says the last line.

>>12329226

GM: Wait wait wait, let me get this straight. You guys are saying that through this adventure, you created the one the other group of four I'm running is following?
Players: Yup.
GM: I am going to need a drink.

>>12329340
>>12329401
Cameron: Hey guys, I'm back.
Jim: Just in the nick of time, I'm out of here.
Cameron: Hey! You killed my character!
GM: Yeah, you can play Jim's. You have a bunch of XP to allocate.
Cameron: Ok, so I take Inspire, Intense Inspiration, Improved Inspire, Manly as fuck, G-
GM: FOR THE LAST TIME, MANLY AS FUCK IS NOT A FEAT!

DM: Alright, Mortals game, no Lore, ordinary characters only. There's going to be an awesome Werewolf DMPC, but I think it'll balance out.
DM's Girlfriend: Hey, can we set it in Japan? And can I be a teacher? With large breasts?
DM: Sure, sure, and sure.
Rest of party: Goddamnit, we've got to kill that bastard. Everyone roll up mafia types.
*TIME PASSING*
Everyone: Holy shit what the fuck

ok so lets see what characters you've rolled up...

...wtf guys. A teenage girl with no powers, or combat ability or anything. A cowardly goblin. An ogre who is 'friends with rocks' and some sort of kobold thing who is a knight, and who rides a dog?

Fine, fine

>>12329520
No idea what this show is, but I want to see it.

>>12329529
Labyrinth.
Go commit nerdukku immediately.

>>12329529

>>12329520

You forgot the BBEG is a bard with +20 to perform, except a WILL of only 5 is needed to break the spell if you're a female.

>>12329535
*click*

I remember that movie, vaugely. David Bowie as the goblin king? Might have to re-watch it, it's been a long time.

>>12329226
DM: So, Hannah, you really want to know what the cue ball says? Make a spot check...

>>12329550
>>12329226
>>12329402
Alright, ignorance card. What is this?

GM: Ted, who did you roll?

Ted: You said this will be a high-law campaign in modern world, so I rolled a lawyer.

GM: Precisely my point. Al?

Al: Goofy cop, I didn't really know what skills should I pick, so I got a feel in everything

GM: I think I can cope with that. Bettie?

Bettie: Also a lawyer, educated in Germany. She has a whip which is kind of her trademark. And her grandpa was the most badass prosecutor in the last 50 years, who lost only once.

Ted: To my character.

Bettie: Yes, we worked it into our backstories.

GM: I like that kind of cooperation. Dave?

Dave: I also rolled a lawyer. Arch-enemy of Ted's character and vitriolic buddy with Al's cop.

GM: Great as always. Let me just take a look at your characters' sheets. *reads* Uh... How came all of you took weapon proficiency in gestures and shouting?!

Okay, everybody, let's gather around. I've got ... let's see... one, two, three characters returning... couple of new guys. Who is playing what, now?
>I'm playing the Survivor ex-cop from the last game.
I liked him. He was pretty cool, didn't afraid of anything.
>I'm playing a helicopter pilot who likes snakes.
Uh... little weird, but do-able. Weren't you a mechanic in the previous game?
>Yeah. I wanna be a helicopter guy who has snakes as friends.
...weird, but cool. You have zero resources, so you'll start the game without fuel.
>Fuck.
>Its cool. If your character and mine hit it off, we can share resources.
>Oh, cool. A partner?
>Uhm. I don't do "partner". My last one got burned alive, remember?
Moving on ... let's see.. huh. You're playing a mechanic?
>Yeah. I'm going to be with the plucky survivors in a colony in the desert.
You took paraplegic. How does that work?
>I'm carried around on a crane/hoist thing.
Okay... a lot weird, but moving on. And what about you guys?
>We're all playing gay rapist cannibals.
Holy Hell, guys. What is your motive?
>We want gasoline from the plucky desert colonists.
Well, that settles the entire "plot" thing. I had a different idea, but... fuck it.

Okay, we open up our story with a chase scene between the ex-cop and the gay rapist psychos....

>>12329226
DM: Alright guys, we're making a one shot, gritty noir gangster setting.

*Ten minutes later*

Player 1: Jesus, I don't care anymore, I just fucking slice his throat open
Player 2: I fucking hate mob rules
Player 3: No, I did not rig that Intuition roll, why do you ask?
Player 4: LOLOLOLOL I WEAR A BOMB AS A HAT XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DM: fuck this shit, time falls, everyone dies

>>12329566

Homestuck. Webcomic.

www.mspaintadventures.com

ITT: anime, anime everywhere.
Seriously, guys, try actual movies.

>>12329642
What the hell?

>>12328877

Fuck you, I loved Crash Bandicoot

>>12329822
Road Warrior.

>>12329844
That's not Crash Bandicoot, Cu. That's not Crash at all.

>>12329876
Well, I feel fukken dumb, now.

>>12329882
It's. . . uhh. Sonic of some kind.

>>12329885
Its not an easy one to spot. Post one, I'll try to figure it out.

>>12329882

And therein lies the joke.

>>12329785
But movies don't have as much crazy/stupid shit to make fun of.

YOU WANT TO PLAY A GODDAMN CHANGELING? IT'S WEREWOLF VS. VAMPIRE FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

DM: Okay, so, what have you got,
Moe: I'm the son of an aristocratic family who would rather work on his artificing in Cid's character's workshop.
DM: And Weapon Proficiency: Wrenches and Guns?
Moe: Backstory details his gun proficiency and the Wrench is an artificing tool.
DM: Alright. You, Melissa?
Melissa: I'm a future princess come back in time to save the planet from destruction. I'm a spellblade.
DM: Okay, that's fine.... wait. What is this. Polymorph Self?
Melissa: I can turn myself into a monster. Thing is I have to have a badge, which involves conversing with that monster and giving it gifts.
DM: Okay, I -guess- I can allow that. Moe? What's this 'Large Iron Golem - Ridable' on your sheet?
Moe: I ride around in it, Cid made it and when I gain more Artificer levels I can upgrade it.
DM: Alright, but I'm gonna make it suck right off the bat, just so you know.
Moe: That's fine.
DM: Now, you guys already cleared those time travel trinkets with me, and you wanted a world-building scenario like last campaign, so let's get started.

>>12329961
You're not even trying, apparently.
You can find some way to portray any movie in any light, provided you put a little effort into it. Srsly.

>>12330259
Go on, the Highlander movies. All of them.

Okay, what is everyone's concept?
>I'm playing an affable kid from a suburb in the UK.
Uhhh. Sure. You're aware we're playing a plane-traveling campaign, right?
>Yeah. I wanna be the comic relief and brains of the outfit.
>No way! That's me!
Wait, what? You're playing.. a gnomish plane-traveler with a decent charisma and .. am I reading this right? "A steampunk theme to my clothes"?
>Yeah. We're all kind of eclectic that way.
Wait, "all"?
>All six of us are playing gnomish plane-travelers.
... uh. Fuck it. Why did you all spent points on "Artifact"?
>Its a map of space and time. We stole it from God.
That simplifies things. He's going to want it back and his former apprentice is going to be on the lookout for you, too. That cool with everyone?
>Yes.
Well, then. The game starts with a knight in full armor running through your room, Kevin.

>>12330314
I hope nobody is going to make special snowflakes this game. What do we have... let's see...
>Swordsman from 1536. Scotsman.
Do-able, do-able. You took a five point enemy?
>That'd be me. Scary guy from parts unknown. We're mortal enemies.
I can do this. I can do this. Okay, and you?
>I'm playing his romantic interest.
Well, this is about to get complicated.
>No, its not. Check our sheets. We both have the same weaknesses.
...."Decapitation"? That's not a fucking weakness! Everyone is "weak" against decapitation! That's like saying, "I'm hurt when I'm dropped off of a building over fifty stories tall!" What the fuck, guys.
>We also regenerate non-decap wounds.
Wait... lemmee see those sheets.
Fuck.
Fine, we start the game with a swordfight.I hope this guy cuts your fucking head off. Roll init.

>my attempt

DM: Ok, to start off you're on the grounds of your high school.

Player: Oh, well I'm running to head home.

DM: Hmm, ok, roll reflex to dodge the car you ran in front of.

Player: (critical failure)

DM: You take 8d6 of damage...

Player: Yeah we need to restart this shit.

>yeah yeah, haven't even seen the show in forever

ITT: one guy who can post movies, and a bunch of anime.
Also: Time Bandits and Highlander.

GM: Alright, you ready for my period Japanese game?

Greg: Pretty much

Steve: What? You said we're setting it in a modern setting.

Karen: Huh? I got futuristic!

GM: How the hell- Nevermind, let's do it anyway....

I really liked the bucky o'hare one. I'll be sad to see this thread go

It ain't over yet. How's about The Prestige?

>>12324659
I love Boondock Saints.
>>12324351
I wish I didn't understand this one.

>>12328270
...OK, can I get the source?
This can't be as bad as it sounds, can it?

>>12332547
GM: A wizard did it.

Players: I see...

>>12321716
sauce?

also bump

>>12334000
Aw shit, it's Threads.

I'll be honest, I would absolutely love if my players tried crazy shit like this.

>>12324730
So wait you are suggesting that Vimes killing werewolves with his bare hands is not a fuck yeah moment?