The Lusty Argonian Maid.

"God's A-Bomb" by Dirk Allen

>>7507056
I once saw a guy try to name his Dragonborn "Lifts-her-tail". The DM sadly didn't let it fly.

Colonel Gentleman's Collection of the Extremely Pornographic
By Colonel Gentleman
Appearance: A finely bound but nondescript brown tome locked with a massive iron chain.
Contents: Unknown. Roll 5d10 Sanity damage.

>>7507076

"I'm Dead - What About You?"
By Rortan McCreedy
A long-winded book on the benefits of undeath. McCreedy was killed and resurrected as a zombie by a necromancer, and seems to enjoy his present state more than he liked being alive. His reasons boil down to "I don't have arthritis anymore", "I can drink anyone under the table", and "I can scare kids off my lawn more easily" when you examine them closely. Most of the book is actually making excuses for why things like slowly rotting away "aren't so bad".

>>7507054
But in what ways can you kill someone with Mage's Hand?

>>7507068
Truly a sad day for scalies everywhere.

>>7507112
Untie a rope holding up a heavy object over some one.
Drop bottle of acid on some one.
Drop Torch on some one.
Oil + Torch.
As long as it's under 5lbs, you can drop, toss, move a potentially lethal object to some one.

"Fists of the Gods"
By Stanley Leeston
Appearance: a well worn blue hardcover, obviously read numerous times.
Language: Common tongue
Contents: Several stories about clerics of numerous faiths fighting evil wherever they find it, using feats of arms, strength, and clerical spells that dont actually exist. While it is well written, it is clearly meant for teenagers.

Something my shadowrunner found in a nifty astral quest.

The Zanthu Tablets: A Conjectural Translation - H. H. Copeland
he book contains an autobiographical account, by Harold Hadley Copeland of his excavation of a tomb in Indochina where he discovered a set of 12 jade tablets. His writings are very vague as to what else he found in the tomb. There are copies of rubbings taken from the tablets and an attempt at translation. The translation is patchy but appears, itself, to be an account of the high-priest, called Zanthu, of a religion formed around the worship of an entity called Ythogtha. It details a place called Mu and Zanthu's struggles against the rising cult of Ghatanothoa.
The book contains, in an appendix, notes on Magic (R:1 Sorcery & Conjuring library) and several spell formulae.

>>7507195
So I could lift a knife and stab them in the neck or some shit? Or does that require more force than the Hand could give?

>>7507096
I lold hard

"Six-Element Music Theory"
By Elianae Taeranil
Appearance: A wider-than-normal tome, which any bard will notice has been printed on paper normally designed for sheet music. Good condition; the pages have been treated with an alchemic mixture which makes them spill-resistant.
Language: Elven, with lyric excerpts in various languages and musical passages in the common notation.
Contents: An exhaustive, but relatively easy-to-understand book on how various sorts of music hold elemental connotations. The book details each of the elements in turn: Fire, from the gnomish tradition, spirited dance musics heavy on the string and brass. Water, of elven symphonics, flowing and tranquil, but with the ability to roar and crash in turn. Wind, the halfling tradition, just as comfortable without an instrument as with. Wood, the human barsongs, natural outgrowths of every other tradition. Metal, dwarven ballads noted for using whatever is close by as a percussion instrument. And earth - or "rock", more accurately - the spirited evolution of the songs of orcish slaves.

"of two spirits"
by Mr.51
appearance: simple hardback book, the cover is black and white, the back side has the colours reversed sides.
language: slightly older version of common tongue
contents: what seeings seems to be an absurdist tale about two spirits who arent even sure who is the good and who is the bad being locked in a constant war of futility, fought by controlling and possesing killers of the human world, filled with seemingly random happenings.
when read with >17 INT, turns out to be a huge metaphor for the warring countries of old, many allusions to chess, black and white, the number 7 and the secret number 8, about how society is crontrolled and about the minds of killers.
only with the higher INT does this story become a deeply interesting and thought provoking novel.
if the character reads and understands it, their alignment and personality may change.

>>7507214
Up to debate, the book says No, I have been so tempted to see if the Mythbusters could set up a test to prove it once and for all.

I have taken a very odd step for Geekdom, I have asked the MythBuster's if they can prove that Mage Hand can or cannot kill!

god help us all...

Net-Hack, a Tale of Adventure and Typography
The New Traveler's Almanac
A small black booklet labeled "Death Note"
A thesis entitled "Observation of Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen Entanglement on Supraquantum Structures by Induction Through Nonlinear Transuranic Crystal of Extremely Long Wavelength (ELW) Pulse from Mode-Locked Source Array"
From Adventure to Adult Lechery
The Book Of Vile Deeds, paperback non-magical edition
Dragonborn: a Hijacking of a Noble Bloodline, by Deekin Scalesinger
Beltan Zipper, the Legendary Journeys
Baby's First Grimoire: An Infant's Guide to the Dark Arts.
Thulgor's Big Heavy Book of Smashing Things
More Than a Door: A Guide to Improvising Weaponry
Definitive Guide to Elven Mating Calls
Gnomes and How to Cook Them
More then a Door - A biographical look at Rood
Posessed Items And How To Deal With Them By Knott A. Goast
Elven Eye for the Kobold Guy: A Manual of Reptilian Style
Two Heads Are Better Than One: 100 Reasons Why You Should Get An Ettin Cohort
A Practical Guide For Impractical Weapons: How To Master The Gyrspike, Spiked Chain, And Other Exotic Armaments (In Common for those who haven't taken their own eyes out, Braille for those who have, and magical Speaking Book Mode for those who lost their fingers too.)
Kobold Sutra; Barrow Romance Demystified
The Singing Book Of Songs
Nature's Conspirators: Mystery Of The Druids
Uncle Ruktharg's Big Book Of Nursery Rhymes For Little Orcs
Where Baby Kobolds Come From
On The Origin Of Magical Species
Are You Afraid Of The Dark?: Grues And Their Habits
Steal This Book
Are You A Gullible Idiot? (Comes with a free bottle of tarrasque repellent)
Air of the Planes: A Scented Tour
Axebeard Beardaxe's Guide To Beards And Axes
Volo's Guide to Slaying Common Monsters
Volos Guide to the Realms

"Town pillaging and YOU: A guide to upward mobility in creating your own exiciting short term markets!" is the label peeling off of the book with the simple title "Lootin'"
Encyclopedia Magica as published by a Mr. T.S.R.
Confessions of a Part-Time Sorceress
Scale Rot and You: How to Protect Yourself and Those You Love
The King of the Bracelets
Love Can Bloom: A Tale of a Seventeenth Level Rogue and a Beholder, and What Could Never Be.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to Dungeons (with big bold red letters that say "PANIC!" on the back cover)
The Sexual Secrets of the Kobold-Sutra
Tucker's Kobolds: A victorious war story!
Hamlets and Heroes 4th Edition Sourcebook
Zweihander 2000 Core Rulebook
Crimson Automaton Delta's Guide to Social Interaction
Men are from Mars, Women are from venus, and Noh is from a Dungeon: Four Men (or Three Men and a Woman)'s Guide to Raising a Construct.
RandoM CapitaLIzation And You By the Random Guardsman
The Art of War POP-UP picture book
A Less Rude Song
The Necrotelicom
Goldthwait's Guide to the Western Bobcat
The Apparatus of the Crab - User's Manual
How to Control the Universe in 1000XP or Less: Kobold Edition
The Bumper Fun Grimoire
Rocks: The Passionate Love Affair
Reetan and Lorkon's Classic Nursery Rhymes, Eighth Edition
The Shadows of Undrentide, by Deekin Scalesinger
Move and Shoot: Advanced combat tactics for dummies.
Wallhammer FaultyKai Compendium! Part 1, Containing volumes 1-239.
The Lusty Argonian Maid
ABCs for Barbarians
Spelunking for Dummies
F.A.T.A.L.
Essays on Mind and Matter, by Chairman Sheng-ji Yang
Ork Codex

Brokers and Tax Accountants: A roleplaying game of fantasy finance
The Book Of Milk & Cheeses: How to be a Dairy Connoisseur
Factol's Manifesto
Journal of the Whils
At the Brokeback Mountains of Madness
The Eberron Campaign Setting (if in FR)
The Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting (if in Eberron)
Sex, Drugs, and Music With Rocks In, the Untold Story of Lord Nasher
The Red Book of the West March
Dragonscale Armor For Dummies
The Illustrated Book of the Marital Arts (picture on the front depicts two men in gis preparing to wrestle, witnesses are left to decide if it's just a typo on their own)
Four Past Midnight
Mein Kampf
The Zombie Survival Guide
The Book of Matches
Hogwarts, a History
Extreme Hair Care by C. Strife
The Octarine Fairy Book
Ye Booke of Ye Filme
Where's My Cow?
Kobolds: Fact or Myth?
A Tourist's Guide to (major city in campaign setting)
Ravenholm, and Why We Don't Go There No More.
Mythical Katanas: A stat book for a Masterwork Bastard Sword
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Worshipping Thoon
How to Serve Man
I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone it, People Like Me by Stuart Smiley
Rocks Above You: A Demonstration of Potential Energy
The Notebook - really a laptop whose battery had run out years ago and whose screen is busted. He knows it's a "book" because there's text screenprinted onto it proclaiming it as such.
Encyclopedia Obscurica: Qk-Qt
Illithids and You: Abnormal Doesn't Mean "Wrong"
Earth Book
How NOT to be Seen
Dr. Notnow's Really Big Book of Useless Information (4th edition)
Rusty Nail on a Spring: Celebrating 1500 years of Classical Kobold Traps
She's got a what?!: Celebrating 1500 years of classical Gnoll Traps
Identifying Unusual Foods in the Dark by Touch
The Flesh Golem: Nature's Perfect Prom Date
How to Skin Bipeds for Fun and Profit
Psychological Warfare and You by Reginald Mapplethorpe Denethor
The revelations of Glaaki
Orcish Diplomacy by Vendictia Nevershine

There And Back Again, a Halfling's Tale
Written In Stone, The Divine Guide to Epic Spellcasting
The Ordur(sic) of the Stick by Elan the Bard
The Big Book of PB&J Recipes
The Octavio
Truename Magic: Words to Live By
The Book of Nine Swords
Zapano's House of Leaves
The Healer's Desk Reference
The Voynich Manuscript
The Book of Going Forth Around Elevenish
The Number 23 by Topsy Kretts
The Evil Overlord's Complete Guide To Conquering Civilization
Non-Effeminate Elves, a fictional tale of manliness (Bonus if there's an elf in the party and you hand the book to him)
SimCity4 game manual (Thought to be a guide to magical city building and maintenance)
Any one of the Dragon Lance books.
Raising the Titanic
How to Eat Kobolds, a Dungeon Survival Guide
King James edition Bible, but with all the names actually crossed out and replaced with setting names.
Several Printed reams of creepy Drizzt Fanfics
A Question Of Methods And Morals
It's A Laugh: Gnollish Made Easy
Blowing Hot Air: Auran Made Easy
Morning, Wood: Sylvan Made Easy
Big Words, Few Syllables: Giant Made Easy
The Wizard That Did It: The Official Biography Of Elminster
The Deceptively Large Tome Of Knock-Knock Jokes
Legend of the Four Leaves, by Anonymous
Player's Handbook (GURPS)
Gold, Gold, Gold and other Dwarf Mining Songs
an issue of Playorc ("I honestly have no idea how that got in there")
The Joy of Snacks by A Lancre Witch

Utterly Inappropriate Spells
Eragon
three scrolls labeled "Water" "Earth" and "Fire" (inside are some outlandish stories clearly intended for children yet quite enjoyable and engaging)
Spelljammre: Ye Olde Guide To Spayce, Outre.
Mordenkainen's Privy Reader
The Comprehensive Completely Factual Guide to Xaos
62 Household Remedies for Mummy Rot
Book of Celestial Swearwords
Dungeon Delver's Guide to Edible Pests
Goblin Cuisine and You
Beholder's Guide to Tentacle pleasure
The Mating Practices of Arboreal Humanoids
The Unabridged Oxford Dictionary
WAAAAAAAGH 'N Grotz; Orky Kul-chore for tha' uned- unedu- stoopid un's!
Tribes and History of Dragonpass; of cattleraids, heroquests, and acension
Alexander Scriabin's Mysterium
Mechanix by "Bloody Stupid" Johnson
The Ultimate Brain Cookbook
The Sage Tome
A Complete Guide To Assholes.

I once gave my players The Normanomicon, the Book of the Extremely Dead.

None of them had played Fable II.

"Things I've Killed"
By Ghalkaa
Appearance: A very large scroll between two plain wood rollers. Good condition; some small blood spots, usually about the edges, though they do not hinder readability.
Language: Goblin
Contents: The journal of a hobgoblin war chief. Each entry ends with a list of things she killed that day. It's very thorough - one journal ends with the two fish she caught for lunch on an otherwise peaceful occasion.

"Philen's Guide to Sacred Prostitution"
By Philen
Appearance: A small black book, pocket-sized
Language: The common tongue
Contents: A brief history of temple prostitutes, and a list of temples across the land that still practice such measures, with concise but oddly explicit reviews. The book is recent enough to be accurate.

"Things to never say to a Dragon."
by Lance D'Marellon.
A Dark leather bound book with assorted slash an burn marks across the sturdy book.
Written in Common, it details a long list of things one should never say to a Dragon.
The Authors notes include why he is able to record such event by dint that he was granted immortality.

"So, you have been swallowed by a Gelatinous Cube."
by Lance D'Marellon.
A slightly dog eared and moldy book, bound in .. something.
The volume details ways to pass the time while you wait to slip back out of a Gelatinous cube.

"875 ways to be killed by people who really don't like you."
by Lance D'Marellon.
A Black leather book with crisp white pages, the edges detailed in gold.
This odd volume details the many 'Deaths' of Lance by those who really disliked him. Editors, fellow writers, his three wives, his Dog.
Some entries are actually made by other writers who thought that they should make notes while Lance recovered.

"Tea with Tarrasque"
by Lance D'Marellon.

...
I'm gonna leave the rest to your imagination

rolled 36 = 36

>>7507651
So....until you're digested?

Celestine: A History
AUTHOR: Anonymous
PUBLISHER: Thripwick and Sons
APPEARANCE: Small, stout hardcover book with gilded lettering on the cover.
CONDITION: Slightly dogeared
LANGUAGE: A slightly archaic dialect of the Common Tongue
CONTENTS: A history of the politics and beauracracy of the celestial realms, picking up after the generally accepted legends of creation. It's dry, analytical, and exceedingly thorough. It takes a few weeks to digest properly - if for no other reason than it takes a lot of willpower to wade through the dull text.

Tales of the Mad Poet
AUTHOR: Cral Almhurst
PUBLISHER: Handwritten Manuscript
APPEARANCE: A broad sheaf of string-bound papers with a large, well-worn painting of a vagabond standing by the road as a cover.
CONDITION: Well-worn, but quite legible.
LANGUAGE: Elven
CONTENTS: A children's picture book, the rhyming tale follows a poet, quite mad, whom wanders the countryside flummoxing giants, trolls, and a beautiful but cruel princess who wants him as a husband. The illustrations are somewhat faded, but still maintain their detail and beauty. The story is simple, but clever, and very entertaining.

Never Trust the Halfling
AUTHOR: Ian Bitterroot, Halfling Treasure-hunter
PUBLISHER: Whitethorn Press, Associated
APPEARANCE: A pocket-sized hardback, small and gray, with the title written in bold letters on the dust cover.
CONDITION: The dust cover is frayed and battered, and the pages are a little yellowed, but the book has never been opened.
LANGUAGE: The Common Tongue
CONTENTS: A bitingly cynical, sarcastic, and absolutely uproarious memoir of a thief, Never Trust the Halfling exposes the fact that many groups of so-called adventurers are nothing more than good-natured murderers and opportunistic bandits and vandals. The author tells of how he repeatedly took advantage of dumber parties time and time again with a palpable glee. The last page is a brief obituary of the author; the cause of death is not listed.

For Call of Cthulhu

"There's A Monster At The End Of This Book"
By N. Arthur O'Tep
Appearance: A brightly coloured childrens book featuring a fuzzy creature looking worried.
Language: English, but translated editions can be found fairly easily.
Contents: A simple picture book in which the blue fuzzy creature talks directly to the reader, asking them not to turn the page, as he is scared of a monster at the end of the book. As the reader progresses, the cries get more desperate as the creature attempts to convince the reader not to continue.

Reaching the final page casts Summon Byakhee.

To Serve Troll
AUTHOR: Mina Ariliss
PUBLISHER: Thripwick and Sons
APPEARANCE: A medium-sized book bound in soft green cloth. A small card bookmark bearing the logo of a long-defunct chain of booksellers is still nestled between two of the pages.
CONDITION: A few dogeared pages and sauce stains, everything still legible. It smells vaguely of oregano.
LANGUAGE: Halfling
CONTENTS: A cookbook detailing dozens of recipes for cooking monstrous creatures, including a few intelligent creatures. Anyone with ranks in Profession (chef) will realize that the recipes are of excellent quality, truly gourmet. Most of the more obscure ingredients in the book have suggestions beside them for commonly-available replacements, but no substitutions are given for the varied meats.

My Clientele
AUTHOR: Eriana Illeline
PUBLISHER: Handwritten
APPEARANCE: A standard-sized scroll, unremarkable except that it is trimmed with a crimson silk border.
CONDITION: The paper is unblemished and perfect; the roller has rotted a bit, and a careful eye can spot termite holes.
LANGUAGE: Elven
CONTENTS: A client listing of an elven herbalist. While most of the entries are mundane, some of the entries are for far more outrageous and bizarre concoctions. A successful Knowledge (herbalism), (alchemy), or (nature) check will reveal that many of the mixes are hallucinogenic narcotics, necromantic powders designed to prolong life, and other such illicit goods. What's more, a successful Knowledge (history) or (Nobility and Royalty) check reveals that some of her clients are high-ranking Elven nobles... some of which are still in office.

A Traveler's Guide to Common Languages
AUTHOR: Conrad Ixion
PUBLISHER: Free City Presses
APPEARANCE: A pocket-sized, thick softcover book.
CONDITION: Battered and used to the point it's nearly falling apart.
LANGUAGE: Various, designed for speakers of the Common Tongue.
CONTENTS: A phrasebook for Common-speaking travelers, the book contains sections in Dwarven, Elven, Gnomish, Halfling, Giant, Orcish, Goblish, Gnoll, and Draconic. Some of the phrases are of dubious or peculiar nature - a large section of the Dwarven section is devoted to proper ordering of beverages in a traditional dwarven tavern, for example, and the section on Gnomish contains the phrase "Very funny, now please return my pants". The entire section on Goblish is devoted to insults, battlecries, taunts, and promises of flaming death.

>>7507689
Oh, Cheeky :)

Title: The Case of the Haunted Vagina
Series: "The Adventures of Washington Stone, Action Gynaecologist"
Author: Lexington Thrust
Language: English?
Contents: An inexplicable pulp noir story about bitter gynaecologist-turned-private eye Washington Stone. When former client Scarlet Curtains' husband is found dead, Scarlet comes to Washington claiming a ghost in her vulva is responsible. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. It's a race against the clock for Stone to save the day as the nefarious Doctor Nepoleon wants to use the power of the vagina to rule the world!

"The Life and Death of Lance D'Marellon.Vol II"
by Lance D'Marellon.
A Book bound in Red Leather with Gold lettering.
The books rarely appear to be read or even touched.

"People and Monsters I really hate."
by Lance D'Marellon.
Bindings: Black Leather with silver lining.
Contents: The volume details the many people who lance has grown to really and truely hate. Starting with Chapter one: So I bedded a Gods Daughter! This details the reason Lance has been cursed with A: Immortality, B: The knack to attract and annoy Monsters of all sorts.
Quote: "One would think being Immortal as a grand thing, they never consider that everything still HURTS!"

A Brief History on the Use of the Draconic Language in Traditional Spellcasting and the Theory Thereof
AUTHOR - Adlion Glibbon et al
PUBLISHER - Self-Published, then picked up by Extraplaner Publishers Inc.
APPEARANCE - 30 hefty tomes running about 1000 pages each. Typically sold as a set, each is made from red leather and the title and number is embossed in gold leaf.
LANGUAGE - While mostly in common, the authors make frequent allusions that require a solid grounding in both Draconic and Celestial
CONDITION - Like New, as each book is protected by some of the most advanced wards available
CONTENTS - Widely agreed amongst scholars to be the most complete, helpful, and dull history of magic around. Many spellcasters go mad from boredom about three books in, but those who manage to complete the set are filled with new knowledge of the history of their craft and a faint lisp, for some reason.

Speed Siege Warfare
AUTHOR: Sgt. Graeme Roebrim
PUBLISHER: Scribed by Mar, Scribe to his August Majesty Lord Ebreth XVI
APPEARANCE: A dull brown hardback of medium size, slightly thinner than you'd expect, with handwritten pages
CONDITION: The binding is broken, and several pages near the middle are missing.
LANGUAGE: Common Tongue. A brief introduction explains that as the book was translated from the author's native Halfling, some idioms are a bit nonsensical, and that equivalent expressions follow in parenthesis.
CONTENTS: The author states in the first chapter that siege warfare is inefficient, boring, and without honor. The entire book is full of innovative ways to end a siege quickly, from either end, with long tales of how the methods were tested on the battlefield. These range from boobytrapped battlefields about a castle for defense to catapulting beehives into a fortress for the attackers. A large section in the middle on "The Perfect Siege Summon" is missing: The introduction cuts out after the words "To properly summon this creature, you need six pounds of fine incense, a live trout, some chewing gum, a plow, nine skipstones arranged in a ring about the summoning circle's edge, eighteen pounds of havarti cheese..." The only remainder of the chapter afterwards is "almost missed the chamber pot, I was laughing so hard."

"Your Mom Is A Classy Lady: A Guide To Diplomacy"

"Night" (series)
by Setvanya Me'ir
appearance: Completely white, and implausibly thick. It spans four volumes.
Itself written by a converted vampiress, it tells the tale of a vampiress who feeds regularly on a mortal cleric of Pelor. The book is terrible, focusing almost entirely on the taste of the cleric's blood, the remainder being propoganda for Wee Jas. It is often called an escapist fantasy for young vampiresses who haven't had much chance to feed.

Rahi po'teri
appearance: Seven volumes, the latter four more than twice as thick as the first three.
A fictionalized memoir of a student at a wizards' academy, including rather embellished accounts of several real-life events, including his battle with a basilisk (in reality it was just a very large lizard), his victory at a tournament (he was dead last at the event itself), and his defeat of an evil lich in his final year (In actuality, he was out of school for almost 10 years when this happened)

The Life and Times of a Smeghead
AUTHOR: Kteh Cragcnarls
PUBLISHER: Public Presses, Inc.
APPEARANCE: A pocket-sized paperback, sans cover.
CONDITION: As stated above, the cover to this book is missing, and the pages crackle audibly as you turn them. It's still readable, and all the pages sans one are intact. The bottom half of the dedication page is missing.
LANGUAGE: The Common Tongue, although some words use irregular spelling.
CONTENTS: A humorous autobiography of a human who claims to be from a completely different plane of existance, The Life and Times of a Smeghead follows the author from his childhood to his abrupt appearance in this world at the age of twenty-seven to the peculiar journey he took with an adventuring party (consisting of a nameless ferian, a fussy warforged, and a former petty officer who reminded him a great deal of a former roommate of his), to his eventual retirement at the age of 100. While most of the book details peculiar, often utterly pointless misadventures that he was tasked with, some chapters have no apparent connection to the rest of the book whatsoever - until you catch on that he's preparing you for jokes later in the volume. One such chapter consists entirely of a very, very good recipe for gazpacho. The epilogue states that he is currently alive and well, a great-great-grandfather at the age of 171. If you check, the book's print date is last year.

Six Short Plays
AUTHOR: Mirdou Murkwret
PUBLISHER: The publishing house is not listed by name; a logo in the shape of three ocean waves is stamped on the spine and the bottom of the first page.
APPEARANCE: A fairly normal hardback - or it would be, if there was any of the cover left besides the spine.
CONDITION: As mentioned, someone has removed most of the cover, by cutting it off if one wants to examine it hard enough. The pages are crumpled a little, but not too badly.
LANGUAGE: The Common Tongue
CONTENTS: The title says it all. The book contains six plays, each of which would take between fifteen and thirty minutes each, designed as side entertainment for intermissions or lead-ins to larger plays. The first two plays have the common theme of closing time in a small tavern - the same tavern, in fact, and the two plays could easily be strung together into a somewhat larger play, a shrewd comedy with subtle romantic overtones between the barkeep and one of the serving girls. The third play changes venues abruptly, a one-man show about an extremely clever jester's woes, serving a king whose sense of humor is limited to slapstick. The fourth is a scene about a dragonslayer attempting (and failing miserably) to inspire his hired posse before they raid a lair. Next is a somewhat longer scene involving a crafty housewife swindling a merchant that's attempting to con her. The last play is very different in tone - an exceptionally grim bit of humor about a murderer in the guise of a priest, complete with three on-stage murders. The staging notes suggest hidden wineskins on stage, to be filled with fake blood and squeezed by stagehands to produce outrageous gouts of gore

How Not To Hunt For Treasure, 5th Edition
AUTHOR: Anon Imus
PUBLISHER: Helmutsund Books and Sausage Works
APPEARANCE: A fairly new softbound book, with the title stamped on the cover in large, friendly letters.
CONDITION: Practically fresh off the press, although it smells of bratwurst.
LANGUAGE: The Common Tongue; the introduction, however, is in Dwarven.
CONTENTS: A pun-riddled tale of a very unlucky rogue who dies in horrible, grotesque, and highly amusing ways. Some of the chapters are single-page vignettes; others are long, involved plots. A DC10 Knowledge (dungeoneering) or (arcana) check will reveal that the author has no idea what actual adventuring or magic entail, and is making it all up off the top of his head. If not for the so-horrible-they're-actually-sort-of-good puns within the tale, it probably wouldn't have survived to a second edition, let alone a fifth. A coupon, still intact, in the back of the book advertises the Helmutsund Gourmet Sausage of the Month Club, and is still a valid offer, should a curious party member decide to use it.

Dha Saaga uv King Torg CXXIV
AUTHOR: Snig
PUBLISHER: Obviously self-published
APPEARANCE: A sheaf of random scraps of paper, string-bound between two large chunks of wood.
CONDITION: Horrendous, but readable.
LANGUAGE: Horribly butchered common
CONTENTS: This short tome gives a highly aggrandized tale of the life, times, and conquests of a great goblin king, Torg the One Hundred and Twenty Fourth. The tale begins at his birth (Hraldred bah flamin angles), moves on to his youth (whinke he dids strayngle de needlewyrms wit his handz an eat dems raw), celebrates his military victories upon his coronation in extremely gory detail, and gives an account of his ascendance to godhood upon his death. A DC10 Knowledge (goblins) check will assure the reader that this is a vanity work, probably created for his heir to help convince himself of the glory of his own line. It's actually quite amusing on its own, almost a lampooning of the self-important histories of the civilized races.

Practical Necromancy and You: Reuse, Recycle, Reanimate
AUTHOR - Necrom Philimus
PUBLISHER - Graveyard Books
APPEARANCE - A simple, 100 page book bound in cheap black cardboard with the title drawn to resemble bones
CONDITION - This book is covered with dirt and lightly singed. It has a dedication page in it with a handmade scrawl obviously added at a later date reading, "Well, hope this helps, ya bonehead. Happy Birthday! Love, Maude"
LANGUAGE - Common Tongue, albeit with numerous groan-worthy puns based off funereal practices
CONTENT - This is an extremely basic book on beginning necromancy, including a ten-page disclaimer on how to avoid irate priests, how to bribe officials to look the other way, and warranty void in case of fire or negative energy. It includes such gems as "The right corpse for YOU!" and "Proper zombie maintenance"

>>7507855

As a side-note, though the memoir describes him as graduating, he was expelled soon after the beginning of his final year. The official records state the reason for expulsion as "something never to be spoken of again," and he only got an honorary degree after defeating the aforementioned lich.

>>7507735
>To Serve Troll
>AUTHOR: Mina Ariliss

By Sir Damon Ariliss, I think you'll find.

Any real-life secret history/conspiracy theory book would do for a modern-day campaign if you really want your players barking up the wrong trees...

how do we archive this?

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/7507054/

Done.

Assorted Tales
By Warrior of the Wastes (pen name)
The bestselling tales of a famous fighter, based partly on real events. As he tells the stories, the author demonstrates his vast knowledge of weapons and combat, his legendary drinking ability, and his hatred for gnomes, elves, and an unknown race he calls "Chud."

>>7508263
So did he drink himself to death, or was that just fuuka being a rumormongering whorebitch?

Archmage Seuss is one of the most recognized authors of horror poetry. A few of his works, each of which is a narrative poem.

Dapper Catfolk
A poem detailing the chronicle of an evil catfolk in peculiar garb as he spreads chaos and destruction while authority figures are powerless to stop him. Considered one of the finest works in surreal horror poetry.

Verdant Eggs and a Certain Meat
A man is confronted by a small being who wants him to eat the titular meal, which contains the eggs of a foul, evil creature. No matter how much he refuses the being always finds him and tries to force him to eat the vile meal. When he finally capitulates, the meal takes over his mind, and he proclaims his allegiance to the being and the eggs.

Grynch's Theft
The story of a half-orc who lives in a cave overlooking a village which has fallen to an evil cult. On the eve of their holiest day, wherein they will be slaughtered, he tries to save them by stealing their evil idols and corrupting magical items. When he is about to destroy them all, the cultists chant an evil chant, which takes over his mind and makes him return the foul artifacts. He partakes in the ritual slaughter at the end of the book.

>>7508332
he was in a thread yesterday.

The Fourth Channeling: Volume B
By Anon
Appearance: A thick book bound in orange leather with a green symbol on the cover.
Language: Common
Contents: The contents are ever changing, though it is invariably a collection of blasphemies, debauched acts, and grotesque imagery. It is thought to be possessed by myriad evil spirits, fighting verbally for eternity. These spirits take pleasure in tragedy and make light of horrific events and acts; most of them are very stupid.

>>7508332

he's alive. he was discussing AKs or something yesterday

On the Nature of Magical Agreements
by Dr. J. Faust
This tome appears to be at least a few hundred years old, but remains entirely legible due to what seem to be magical protections. Its contents detail dozens of methods by which a reader can legally work their way out of fulfilling promises made to litigious extraplanar entities, with a few chapters devoted to optimal uses of pact magic and an inset explaining the best specific wording of wishes to use for protecting yourself against malicious genies.

The "About the Author" page at the back describes the writer in exceedingly vague terms, and mentions that he has "set up permanent residence in Celestia for his own safety".

DWARF FORTRESS
BY: A CONCERNED CITIZEN
APPEARANCE: BAS-RELIEF BRONZE PLATES ENGRAVED WITH TEXT AND IMAGES. NOTE: THIS BOOK IS SO HEAVY IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO MOVE UNAIDED
LANGUAGE: COMMON
CONTENTS: OBVIOUS. A PARABLE TO ALL DWARVES SEEKING TO FOUND THEIR OWN HOLDS.

"Jacob's Shadow"
by Andrew Hammond
Appearance: a small gray tile, with a light blue raised square centered. The text is readable whenever the tile is held, generally without explanation.
Language: English
Contents: The book appears to be a violent, spiritual journey of a man named Jacob as he searches for a woman, who is never named, through a city described as 'Hell'.

When my players spend time looting books, if they're related to adventuring, I've houseruled if they roll a 20 they get a free point in that skill. If they've read several books on that subject and haven't got a point, they need to roll a 20-however many number of books that they've read on it. Of course, they can only read so fast, so they can only read one book per journey in general.

It works pretty well, though my group loots a lot of libraries.

>>7507212
Stolen straight from Lin Carter.

A metal cylinder containing scraps of paper, known as the "Last Scroll of Pnakotus". It desribes a failed terraforming of some unknown planet during it's hadean period by a xeno race. The scroll along with another hide-bound manuscript are the last tomes of a once-fabulous alien library.

A strange looking small fruit with "My Little Golden Book About Zogg" written on it. After eating the fruit you gain knowledge as if reading an actual book. It is a tale about nefarious plans of an alien civilization to invade and conquer planets by posing as the dominant species' offspring. You gain knowledge of a little note at the end of the book, telling that the fruit will be excreted intact and should be returned to the library. You regret eating the fruit.

A human woman in her forties. You can see that some sort of medical operation has been done to her head in the past. When inquired, she introduces herself as the "Guidecolo Washing Machine User's Guide". If asked will recite the Guide, describing illustrations in incredible detail.

The Cunning daemon K'riid and me.
AUTHOR: Hakk Maelear
PUBLISHER: Demonic summoning INC
APPEARANCE: A torn booklet, brown edges with green letters.
CONDITION: Old and torn, but surprisingly readable letters.
LANGUAGE: The writing changes to the native language of the reader.
CONTENTS: A 101 pages long booklet retelling the shenanigans of Hakk and his best friend, the cunning and tacticly witty daemon K'riid. There is a short foreword written in Daemonic, unreadable. You find the main character dull and unintresting whoever you are. The daemon on the other hand you will and must find witty and friendly. if you read the whole booklet you will chuckle and say silently too yourself: "Oh, K'riid, you're so smart". When done reading, roll a D20. If your roll a 20 you will summon a Greater Daemon, namely K'riid. The daemon will follow the party for 3 days, during those days your party will always ambush or flank every enemy you come across as if you where infiltrating, just as every attack where the idea of a Tactical genius...

>>7509183
I see what you did there.

>>7509605

Oh, you.

Oh my, I've forgotten to remove my SAGE. Obligatory bump.

A quite large tourist map entitled "City of ", the last part is obscured by a large ink blot. It's actually rather brownish for an ink. The map is dull, with grey color dominating. It presents a cartoonish view of the city, with an almost isometric look. The city itself seems to consist of windowless granite blocks arranged in rectangular grid. No parks, no monuments, no large intersections, no points of interests at all. Studious individuals will notice no apparent way in or out of the city. Under good illumination small scribbles can be seen on the edges of the map. Scribbles tell of an expedition to far away lands, thought not to be touched by man's foot. They talk of lightless plains, of terrifying whistling sound some invisible horrors make. Of finding the Tourist Information Office and some things that transpired there that the author will not write about. The scribbles become nonsensical jumble of words, then symbols, unto complete unintelligibility. The back of the map is all grey.

The Junior Supervillian's Guide to Complete and Utter Dickery
Appearance: a narrow volume with more pages than it has any right having given its apparent size. It is bound on and of human skin leather using bone meal and bodily water as paper, body-fat as glue and sinew as binding thread. In and of itself, it is an act of dickery; it is several thousand pages long and has the appearance of a thin handbook guide.
Contents: An in-depth take on the do's and don't's of incredible villiany and tremendous dickery written with a friendly and whimsical air.

Mechanics of Energy
Appearance: A simple, black-bound tome about the size of a guidebook to edible plants. The pages are stark white in contrast with this, a carved seal adorning its cover.
Contents: It explains the mechanics of using energy in all its forms to create, destroy, and manipulate things in any environment, including plans to turn one's own body into an energy-fueled furnace requiring no food, water, or sleep, and granting incredible power by absorbing energy in the environment.

No author is given on either, but that they have the same handwriting hints that they have the same author.

An old tome bound in leather and gold. Large handwritten letters spell "DO NOT OPEN!" on the otherwise blank cover. The exclamation mark is extra large. A knot made with a length of common rope prevents the book from being opened. If desired, the knot can be cut and the book opened. When read, all the pages are blank. In reality, the pages of the book are riddled with a virus of unknown origin, which is spread by touch and can reside on any object. Harmless to living creatures, the virus eats any and all printed letters, leaving only handwriting. It affects not only books, but also plaques of any kind, posters, computer screens, etc. Means by which the virus identifies and eats letters are unknown. Currently no method for destroying the virus is known, save for containing the outbreak.

Economies
Author: Prof. Roberto Ghelman
Appearance: A heavy, cheaply bound book
Contents: A manifesto suggesting a new socio-economic philosophy in which classes are abolished, property is controlled commonly, traditional currency is non-existant, and the governing body owns and controls all industry. The desired outcome of this philosphy is a society in which all workers have a chance to share their common profits, and every individual both provides and is provided by the state.
History: Ghelman's work, influenced by other luminaries and economists, is an extremely controversial book, banned in many countries, which has already begun influencing socio-political movements around the world.

"The To Do List" by Eloise Hanckerfield
This pocket sized simple paper book seems to be incredibly old, yet in good condition. It contains thousands upon thousands of things to do written on its hundred or so pages in small print, starting from simple chores and groceries, going through incredible things hinting at epic adventures. The chores become more and more twisted, from poisoning royal chefs to usurping the power of lesser deities. Whoever this Eloise Hanckerfield was, she became corrupted and evil, a threat to all. There seemed to be separate occasions when some heroes tried to stop her, though all ended with their death ticked off by Eloise. All the items are ticked as completed. Strangely enough, the last thing to do, "BRING RUIN TO ALL THINGS" is ticked too.

The Great Gems of the Modern World
Author: Prof. James Wreathstone
Appearance: A thick book, this particular copy having a stain on the back that looks like insectile guts.
Contents: A lengthy catalogue of the most valuable gems in the known world, their approximate value, their various histories and measurements, their settings, their owners, and their mine of origin. There's also a section on prolific mines and locales, and a section consisting of intricately drawn color sketches of the various gems.
History: The Great Gems is an extremely expensive book, due to its color drawings, and thus few libraries carry it. Every few years, Wreathstone publishes a new edition, as well as a pamphlet with instructions on how to update the previous edition "manually" if need be.

"Tax Ledger of Kragtor, County of Dipswick, Land of Ameo, year 1492 of Firkaadian Peace, year 154 of His Royal Highness, Lord Conqueror Firkaad the XXVII" by Village Accountant Aesop Vale
This moldy book seems to have seen better times. It is an account of taxes gathered in the village of Kragtor. After careful analysis it appears the accountant tried to embezzle 102 of the local currency of the now forgotten empire of Firkaadia.

>>7510063
The Shapeshifting Guidebook
Appearance: This scroll is approximately the width of an adult human's hand, a weathered brown strip of incredibly fine leather on a bone cross pin, and is penned in several dozen languages, syntax kept nearly flawless despite the many, many switches into other languages.
Contents: This work contains instructions on becoming a perfected shapeshifter; one who reads it(astonishingly taking only eight dedicated hours of reading) gains the wild-shaping ability usable at will, with the difference that the reader can wild-shape into a creature of any type, up to a limit of half-again his hit dice. The reader must revisit the work once every year to retain this ability; a demanding task as, once the work is read, it disappears.

On the Creation of Flesh`d Homonculi
Author: Meredith Branaugh
Appearance: Bound in some grayish leather, with the letters stitched in with thick, dark twine
Contents: The book is written in a strange dialect of common, with strange turns of phrase and spelling that hint the author may speak draconic natively. It contains diagrams, recipes, and instructions for creating a flesh golem. Woven into the text, ink, paper, and general construction of the book are four spells: Animate Dead, Bull's Strength, Geas/Quest, and Limited Wish. The reader may treat his or her caster level as one level higher than normal for the purpose of crafting a flesh golem. The internal spells require a spell trigger activation, and can be activated only in the process of creating a flesh golem. The book also supplies 780 XP for the creation process. When the golem is finished, the book crumbles to dust. Sprinkling the dust on the golem will animate the creature.
History: Research indicates Meredith Branaugh is a pen name, the original author lost to time. The Creation is difficult to find and exorbitantly expensive, copies regularly selling for upward of eight thousand gold pieces.

Title: The Protocols of the Elders of Underdark
Author: Sergei Nihilus
Appearance: A series of bound newspaper clippings
Contents: A description of the Drow plot to conquer the planet. It serves no real use other than to instill the reader with a hatred of all things Drow. Reading it will cause the reader to suffer a -10 diplomacy penalty when dealing with any Drow for 1d3 days.

Title: Evening
Author: Sister Meyer Stephanie
Appearance: A black leather bound tome with a picture of an apple on the front
Contents: Literary Trash. Just opening the book causes 1 point of intelligence damage for 1d4 weeks. Actually finishing it deals a further 1d6 points of intelligence damage for 1d4 weeks.

Title: Dwarfula
Author: Red Bram Fire Stoker
Apperance: A simple brown leather bound volume
Contents: The story of a dwarven vampire as seen through letters, newspaper clippings, and diaries between the dwarven protaganists out to stop it. Reading it grants a +2 bonus for all rolls regarding vampiric creatures for 2d4 hours.

Title: Calculating Elder Gods
Author: H. P. Pratchett
Appearance: A glossy bound volume with the image of a winged, many tentacled turtle on the front
Contents: An amusing tale of ancient deities that transcend space time. Anyone who reads it suffers 1d4 points of damage from laughter, as well as 1d6 points of sanity damage.

>>7510727 H. P. Pratchett
God strike me down if I ever say this again, but
FUND IT

"Tale eating own Tail", humorously named artifact of a long gone civilization.
A set of hundreds of small, round metal discs with a hole in the middle, with a sturdy string put through the holes. The string has a strange quality to it, you cannot tell where the two ends of it are connected to each other. The discs are read with your fingertips in an ancient, dead language. The tale they tell can be read starting from any disc and proceeding either leftwise or rightwise. Depending on which disc you begin with and what direction you go the tale seems different and yet, upon reaching the last disc in the set and starting at the beginning once more, you realize that the overall tale is the same, that it cleverly depends on having no real beginning nor end and repeating itself endlessly. Reportedly anyone finishing the Tale finds him- or herself in an excellent mood and simply feels good till the end of the day.

Title: All creatures small and flammable
Author: Brother Hellion
Appearance: A rather singed looking tome of over a thousand pages. It gives off the smell of burning fur and feathers.
Contents: A complete listing of all creatures that are size class small or less, their combustion point, their burn time, and the smell they give off when incinerated. If read by a chaotic evil character, they immediately must make a DC 20 will save to resist testing the information in the book.

>Dwarfula
Fund it!

An old thick leatherbound tome with no title on the cover. Upon opening you realize it contains the complete Yotsuba&! manga. Reading any one chapter of it acts as a Remove Fear spell.

"The Collected Adventures of Drillbeard & Falling Leaf"
by Hanging Fred
Appearance: A fine red hardcover with gold lettering. It is in near mint condition, and is assumed to be fairly popular.
Language: Common, with a number of bilingual in-jokes for those that know Dwarven or Elvish tongues
Contents: This book contains a number of short tales starring the mismatched duo of Drillbeard the Dwarf and an elf known only as Falling Leaf. They start out as enemies, but soon enough the two find themselves uneasy allies against a common enemy, the scheming and overtly evil dragonborn Count Longfellow Howler.

Title: The Monstrous Manual
Publisher: Wizards of the Coast
Edition: 2nd
Apperance: A book that is bound in a material that is neither wood nor paper, but something in between. There are pictures of various beasts on the front.
Contents: Inside are pages upon pages of meaningless numbers and statistics. Also included are lists of weaknesses, short background information, and detailed illustrations of almost every known monster. However, the information appears incredibly out of date, and is completely useless.

>>7509605


...CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!


Goddamit, even in in-game books.

"Dominetix" by Hurl-on-Bard
A strange little booklet describing worship practices of an obscure god Dollar. It basically teaches that long time ago powerful beings came from another plane of existence, bringing with them trapped spirits of their greatest enemy: bards. They dumped the spirits here, where thay somehow managed to break free and possessed humans. In some the spirits rose to great power - those are the bards known today. Only those blessed by Dollar can see the spirits, and if having high enough "level", can exorcise them. Domineticians despise bards and if law allowed, they would hunt them down. There's a price tag on the book. It seems a bit steep.

>>7511255

Is this in reference to something?

vump

"Basic Human Anatomy"
By Various Writers
Appearance: A black book with the title clearly spelled out on the front page. Minor wear and tear from repeated reading, but no true damage.
Language: Low Gothic.
Contents: A detailed study of human anatomy, penned by various authors. Reading the full book will give you a bonus to the next Interrogation roll made on a captive prisoner.
NOTE: This bonus obviously does not apply to non-human prisoners and may not be effective against characters with Mutations (Subject to the GM's decision).

"The Annotated Baalkalmistaadt"
By Lekket Morbut
Appearance: Bound in thick grey pachyderm leather, the title is embossed with wrought iron edging.
Language: Available in Common and Dwarvish, in very small painstaking text.
Contents: The book is the script to the Dwarven tragedy opera popularly known as 'The Baalkalmistaadt'. It covers all ninety-three hours of dialogue, with notations concerning the cultural and historical roots of the story. Any non-dwarf who manages to make it through the giant tome gains insight into the 'dwarven condition' and gains a +4 to interactions with dwarves, which degrades a + every month, after which the memories of the story have skewed into stereotypes and they gain a temporary -2 to dwarven interactions. Dwarves who read the story gain a sense of cultural pride that gives a bonus to all saving throws.

Elves who read the story must make a will save or wear a fake beard, dress in heavy armor, carry an axe, and claim to be 'so dwarf, I shit anvils'.

"The History of Mining and Tunnel Architecture"

This work is actually a series of 77 volumes, usually containing extensive woodcuts or hand-painted images. Collectively it is considered one of the greatest works of dwarven literature--by dwarves, at least--its passages are often thought to contain ancient proverbial wisdom, even sometimes prophecy.

A dwarf of moderate wealth or position may have copies of one or two volumes; mighty kings or extensive libraries will count themselves incredibly fortunate to have more than a few dozen. Several of the volumes are legendary in their scarcity, their contents the subject of rumor and speculation.