Be delicious.

eat self

Assume the form of a little girl.

>>8601208
Wouldn't that be... recursive?

Work for a bakery. Assimilate small amounts of cake dough, eventually become more powerful, and sell delicious cake!

Think to myself: "It's kinda cool in here, I wish somebody would turn up the heat a bit."

get baked

I feel like this has potential. Let's bust outta this joint.

>>8601266

You burst out of the top of your enclosure, and are greeted by the sight of a group of children atop a hill, which have apparently been interrupted in mid-song - They are all wearing brightly colored cones on their heads. They stare at you for a moment, speechless, then one of them screams, and they all run off in different directions.

>>8601315
You know, I don't want to say 'chase after the plumpest child and devour him to fuel our mighty cake-like form' but for some reason I can't seem to stop myself.

The creepy part is that in my D&D group, a golem made of cake batter has been discussed as a means of harassing a certain paladin.

>>8601315
Sing "Happy Birthday" and leave a small section of yourself for the children to enjoy!

>>8601333
>>8601360

Gonna need a tie-breaking vote.

>>8601368
I still say, find a bakery and steal as much batter as possible. But for now, I feel evil. Lets eat one of the kids... and steal his hat.

>>8601396
OH, OH, and sing "Happy Birthday" in a muffled voice!

>>8601406
Oh damn, that's too evil. Now I think we should not eat him.

>>8601396
>>8601406

As you ooze out of the box, your vision settles on a plump little child, huffing and puffing his way down the hill. You proceed after him, gravity providing you with more than a little help, as the child trips and falls. Before he can get back on his feet, you engulf him, plucking out the hat as he thrashes weakly. Based on his size, it seems that he has eaten plenty of your kin over the course of his fat little life.

You gurgle a rough approximation of "Happy Birthday" as you plop the hat on your head.

>>8601487
Assimilate the remains of the cake, if there is any, and then head in the direction the kids ran off to.

I think you're going to become a "cherry" flavored cake golem soon, if you get my drift.

>>8601487
Digest child

Look for wizardly place or alchemist's workshop, raid it, then head to a bakery.

I want to find our master and turn him into a cake. Don't care how.

>>8601532
>>8601545
>>8601572

As you return to the top of the hill, the thrashing ceases, as the digestion process begins. There appears to be nothing of value up here, just the box you popped out of - a large, colorfully-decorated vessel. Looking around, you can't see the remaining children anywhere, but there does appear to be a village to the west.

>>8601617
Are we gaining any benefit from the digestion?

Look for an address on the box.

>>8601617
Go West

Sing a happy song while doing so

Make small cake minions

>>8601637

The box bears no address, but does have a logo... It's a picture of a steaming pastry, with the words "Reginald's Confectionary Delights" forming a circle around it.

>>8601672
Go to town, find this Reginald

>>8601641
I support this idea, you delicious cake based asshole.

>>8601679

And do this... >>8601584

>>8601641

Sing the "teddy bears picnic" and replace teddy bears by cake batters.

>>8601672
If we aren't gaining any benefit from digestion, let's dump the kid in the box. Either way, we go to find Reginald.

>>8601721
No! Digestion gives us mass! We can throw around our weight better.

>>8601679
>>8601699
>>8601710
>>8601711

You shamble down the hill, happily gurgling songs as you descend. The countryside around you seems positively bucolic, and the little village you're approaching looks humble but industrious.

>>8601729
Alright. I think we should be on the lookout for magical supplies. What kind of cake isn't improved by delicious magical potions and reagents?

Can we stuff the corpse inside us with a portion of our own sentient cake form, thus animating is as some kind of cake zombie?

What is a cake without candles! Find planks of wood, put them into yourself and light them on fire when you can.

>>8601771
Cake without candles is gluttony, anon.

>>8601783
Could you do us a favour and leave what looks to be a fun, enjoyable quest thread? It's not even you particularly, it's the shit you inevitably bring. Albeit this post falls under that, but I really just don't want this thread to die.

>>8601764

Roll a d100 for an attempt at a cake-zombie.

>>8601771

There should be wooden planks in the village.

rolled 1 = 1

>>8601803

>>8601815
Oh god damn it Anon.

>>8601815
Wow, critical failure ! what happens ?

>>8601815

>>8601815

Success! You spit out the child, and the portions of his body already digested have been replaced by cake batter. He stands still, evidently possessing no mind of his own anymore.

>>8601839
CAKE ZOMBIE.

>>8601771
Wait, planks are most unelegant. We should try to make a little wax golem to put on our head.

>>8601839
That was easy.

>>8601839
Oh, low is good?

Okay, how normal does the kid look? Can we control him?

>>8601815 >>8601823
>>8601824 >>8601832

>>8601839

>roll 1 on d%
>advice/tg/.jpg
>time for Dark Heresy rules

>>8601861
>portions of his body already digested have been replaced by cake batter.

GEE I DUNNO

>>8601861

He looks like he's covered in cake batter. He is, however, subservient to your will.

>>8601865

Indeed.

Send the kid in to town as a scout!

..Fuse with little kid

>>8601893
Chubby shota X Goo monster time ?

>>8601901
He looks like he's made of cake.

Let's just put the kid on the road and stealthily move along beside or just behind him a little bit away.

>>8601936
Got it. Put him back in the cake box, and ship it to a random person. Have your Cake Zombie assimilate them in the name of the CAEK Golem!

>>8601936

Okay, maybe even set up a trap. Make the kid look like he's in distress. When an adult comes by, consume them. Rinse and repeat?

>>8601936

Your chubby little minion proceeds along the path towards town, while you remain a discreet distance behind him. Looking ahead, you notice a cloud of dust in the distance growing closer.

>>8602007
Quickly re-assimilate your cake-zombie and get back in the box. Close it after yourself, and disguise yourself as a cake... with strawberry filling woven in (it's blood).

>>8602007

...Might be time to find another route into town.

>>8602039
I am presuming it is quite difficult to kill a cake golem except with fire. Let's just see what's going down.

>>8602032

Did you bring the box with you?

>>8602051
I'd rather them not figure out what we are before we are ready. Might be they'll learn our 'weakness' much too early. Besides, kids these days, who's gonna believe 'em?

>>8602051
We'll just become a crusty cake golem.

>>8602056
...

Yes.

>>8602056
Are we far enough away that we couldn't just hastily grab it before the dust cloud comes in our direction?

Hide somewhere, wait till dust gets closer. Have cake-minion hide also

Alright, so what are our dimensions? How big are talking here?

>>8602106
>>8602107

You're too far away to retrieve it, and you didn't say that you brought it with you when you left the hilltop, so you're going to need an alternate method of avoiding detection.

>>8602136

To use a setting-inappropriate example, you're the size of a space marine.

>>8602163
Have cake zombie eat me, then wait until whatever the dust cloud is gets closer. THEN EXPLODE OUT OF CHILD IN A POSE LIKE "HATERS GONNA HATE"

Use our hulking space marine status to destroy the oncoming villagers!

>>8602177
We came out of a cake box, and we're the size of a space marine?

Okay, I guess. Can we change our color? If so, become a human. Pass off the zombie as us, let the villagers beat it to death. If it doesn't die, so much the better for us later.

>>8602241

Roll a d100 to attempt to shapeshift.

dice+1d100

Am I worth 2k monies?

rolled 69 = 69

O mighty Dice Gods, bless my roll this day!

>>8602308

Failure. You manage to change your flavor to lemon, but little else.

So what are we gonna do about the approaching mob? Why don't we just consume them all.

>>8602331
EAT THEM.
SHOW THEM THE PAIN, THE FURY OF OUR ANCESTORS.
IN CAKE QUEST, CAKE EATS YOU.

I say lets flatten ourselves out into a puddle and let them walk on us then we engulf em.

We stay as hidden as we can and walk the zombie towards those incoming. If we get the chance, we attack while they are distracted. When we attack, sing a little song that goes like this:

"This was a triumph..."

Awaiting consensus on how you plan to bring the source of the dust low.

>>8602403
I guess we have to do this. Use the zombie as Shmuck bait.

>>8602431
Puddle idea sounds good. Is there a ditch at the side of the road or other hollow we can soup up in in? Keep the zombie on the road, and see how they react. Ideally situate him so we can attack from ditch/hollow at their rear.

Could we hide inside the box, and get the cake zombie to carry us somewhere safe?

>>8602461
Already went over that, we can't. We're too far away.

>>8602331
:3

>>8602403
>>8602437
>>8602442

You flatten yourself out inside a pothole in the road, and wait. As the dust cloud draws nearer, you can make out voices. Eventually, they come within view, and you see a caravan of oxen-pulled carts, driven by short, squat, bearded humanoids.

Just wondering, where is our magic scroll kept?

>>8602511
Dwarves don't have magic, usually, but may have fire. Dwarf cake servitors will be badass. We shall attack when the opportunity presents itself, and not before.

>>8602511
Strike the dough!

>>8602511
are we sticky? can we stick ourselves to the underside of the cart as it goes over then tell our zombie to pop out and attempt to kill the dwarves?

>>8602387
This is the best post on /tg/.

How can we attack? Maybe we could block the wheels with our mass, preventing an escape, then we take over the bodies of the dwarves and oxen?

>>8602565

This is indeed a viable course of action, although I'm not clear on what exactly you're planning on doing with your pudgy minion.

CONSUME THE DWARFS FOR THE GREATER CAKE!

>>8602602
Just see how they react to it. Have it block the road.

>>8602616

Your cake-zombie walks out into the center of the road, causing the leading cart to halt.

"Hey! Kid! Get outta the way, we've got a schedule to keep!" The dwarf in the front wagon yells. When the child fails to respond, the dwarf, grumbling something about humans, dismounts from the wagon and walks up to him. He says something to him, repeatedly, before getting fed up and shoving the kid to the side. The child falls to the ground, and as he does, the batter covering his head falls off, revealing his lack of flesh. The dwarf gapes at him for a second, and then hurries back to the wagon, muttering "Oh shit" over and over. He hops back into the driver's seat, and urges the oxen into motion, as the caravan gradually resumes movement down the road.

Stop the cart! Block the wheels with our mass.

>>8602675
Well, during that we should have grappled onto the bottom of one of the carts.

>>8602702
Yeah, at worst, follow it at a distance until night falls

>>8602702
Yeah. NOW is the time to stick to the undercarraige as it goes. Even if we can't kill the dwarves yet, its STILL a free ride to ADVENTURE.

>>8602702
>>8602716

Having latched on to the bottom of one of the carts, you remain still for the rest of the day, as the dwarves' caravan progresses through the pastoral countryside, and begins to make its way through a dense forest, and then up through a mountain pass. Finally, after several hours, the caravan stops in a dip between mountains, and the dwarves dismount, busily setting up camp.

>>8602761
Now is not the time to act, wait until they are dormant, then, to action!

Agreed, wait until they sleep. Are we still able to give the cake zombie mental commands? Tell it to either hide in the woods or follow to our position

>>8602779
>>8602761
Wait until enough fall asleep then silently engulf and suffocate/digest

>>8602793

Your cake-zombie is far to distant to give commands to now.

As you cling to the bottom of a cart, waiting for the dwarves to sleep, the dwarf in the head wagon and one of his fellows set up a fire nearby. You can hear them talking about "delivering the ransom in time".

>>8602852
Listen a while.

>>8602887

From what you're able to gather, the dwarves have been commissioned to deliver a ransom to a kobold necromancer that has taken stolen a powerful relic weapon from a nearby kingdom.

>>8602929
Hmm.. So after we kill the dwarves lets go visit this necromancer, perhaps he could teach us a thing or two.

>>8602955
>>8602929
No don't kill the Dwarves! They will get hair in your batter, and you need them to drive the carts.

Just hitch a ride with them and take the Necromancer's artifact for your own.

Want to just talk to the dwarves?

>>8603029
Gurgle a greeting to the Dwarves

compliment them on their beards or something.

>>8603047
Detach ourselves from the cart first though.

>>8603029
Yes, this. Dwarfs don't have cake. Only booze.

>>8603029
>>8603047

So you want to reveal yourselves?

>>8603029
Alright... I suppose we can save killing for later. It WOULD help to know what the hells going on in the world around us. But, will they be able to understand us?

>>8603002
why don't we possess the Dwarves and continue on their journey

>>8603067
We detach ourselves from the cart. If unseen, approach from a new direction by circling round, so it looks like we just come upon the camp.

>>8603067
NO!
we wait until they are asleep and possess them

>>8603075
Because Cake zombies aren't particularly effective or necessary.

>>8603075
Man, possessed dwarves might make cool shit, but they don't get any experience for it.

>>8603061
RUM CAKE

>>8603092
This!

So are you going to attack the dwarves, talk to them, or just continue to hitch a ride?

>>8603139
Talk to them, if possible make it look like we weren't hitching a ride in the first place.

>>8603139
I vote for talk.

>>8603151
Diplomacy

>>8603151
>>8603165

You drop down from beneath the cart, and ooze around the camp to the other side, where you resolidify in the darkness. How do you wish to approach the camp?

>>8603139
Talk to Dwarves

>>8603189
Gurgle more happy songs and greet dwarves in a friendly way

>>8603189
While in the shadows, gurgle out Happy birthday. Move and do the same again, then enter the camp.

Talk to the dwarves!

>>8603189
Pretend to be a lost wounded creature just looking for food and friendship.

>>8603215
This.

>>8603215

Voting on this.

>>8603201
>>8603215

You begin to gurgle "Happy Birthday", and when the nearest dwarves turn to look in your direction in confusion, you stop, plod around the outskirts of the camp a bit, and then do the same thing from a new angle. With all eyes turned in your direction, you enter the campsite, lit up by the firelight. Instantly, the dwarves draw their weapons, looking at you tensely.

>>8603139
present ourselves in the fashion of a texan businessman

>>8603254
Say "Howdy-ho neighborinos!"

>>8603139
I vote for RIP AND TEAR

>>8603254
Mimic the dwarven form to show our temporarily friendly intentions.

>>8603274
This!

>>8603254
Say "Friend" as clearly as possible.

>>8603254
Show passiveness(is that even a word?) step back and bow

>>8603285
Yeah or some sorta form that won't be threatening to them. Whatever, I just hope they don't beat our asses too much.

>>8603296
>>8603285

Roll for whichever one you want to do.

Wonder if I'm jewish

Show non threateningness

rolled 8 = 8

Rolling to say "Friend"

>>8603342
Oh shit. Is low good or bad?

>>8603357
Low is good.

>>8603342

You manage to articulate the word "Friend", and the dwarves relax slightly. The leader gets up from the fire, and walks towards you until he's about two meters away. Looking up at you, he asks gruffly, "Well, what d'you want?"

Um.....what DO we want?

>>8603380
Well that's a pretty good question. What do we want? We've only been alive for a few hours so far.

Just shrug

We want to acquire currency and bitches.

>>8603380
Moar caek?

>>8601196
Now this is a quest I can sink my teeth into.

>>8603397
I actually like this idea. Let's see what they do in response.

>>8603380
"Par...gurgle..tea?"

rolled 74 = 74

Rolling for dwarf form change... if I fail can we atleast become beer flavored?

rolled 67 = 67

We just want to have a beard of our own someday.

I attempt to grow a cake-beard.

>>8603445
>Become beer flavoured
>Around mercenary dwarves

Why do you think this is a good idea?

rolled 28 = 28

Rolling to look Friendlier and little less melty.

>>8603445
>>8603448

Failure on both fronts.

>>8603397

You shrug, and the leader looks at you curiously. "Well, what are you doing here, then?"

>>8603472
PARTY

Slough a bit of self onto a plate, offer to leader.

>>8603472
Shrug, then go wander off to a tree and uproot it with our golem strength.

rolled 18 = 18

>>8603472
Sing Happy birthday again

It's your birthday after all.

rolled 90 = 90

>>8603494
Rolling for that.

>>8603504
thus becoming the Rumcake golem

rolled 13 = 13

>>8603504
>>8603511
>>8603472
"Thirsty" (DRINK SOME BEERS)
(also opps deleted post to put in roll)

>>8603472
"you, friend?"

Awaiting a consensus on your response to the leader.

If we are made of cake batter, then arnt we more of a "cake ooze"?

>>8603530
The happy birthday.

>>8601196
This reminds me of the time I had my players fight a vanilla Ice cream golem

>>8603530
I say go with >>8603498

>>8603545
Yeah, singing

>>8603544
We just need to find a Baker to get us finished up so we can be a Cake Golem.

>>8603565
>>8603571

You begin to gurgle out your birthday ballad, and the leader raises an eyebrow, as the rest of the dwarves gradually lower their weapons, chuckling.

>>8603603
"Pre...gurgle..sents? Gifts?"

>>8603603
Yes! They're lowering their guard. And when they fall asleep......

rolled 89 = 89

>>8603622
Eh, if we're going with the birthday route, might as well milk it for what its worth.

Can't we just...y'know...talk. about. our FEELINGS?

I think we should try and work for these dwarves. If they don't give us presents, mime lifting up things (or actually lift up a cart, we must be pretty strong being a golem) and receiving payment. If we get in with them not only do we have a bit of backup, but we can decide at a later date whether to minionise them or double-cross them on this relic mission.

rolled 76 = 76

Rolling to kill ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKERS.

Their weapons cannot harm my gelatinous body.

>>8603689
Fuck off, we're not doing that yet.

rolled 59 = 59

>>8603679
hmm since my saying presents roll apparently failed... rolling to somehow show them we can be helpful carrying things.

The dwarf leader sighs, looking up at you. "Well, I suppose you can stick around if you want, so long as you keep your nose clean. We can't feed you, but it looks like you shouldn't have a problem with food anyway." He turns and heads back to his fire, while a number of the other dwarves resume their tasks, keeping an eye on you.

>>8603679
im seconding this, try and say "work!"
and show off our strength by lifting something or smashing something

>>8603714
Right, mime asking if we can do any work. Stuff dwarves understand, like miming mining, or lifting, or driving the oxen. If he gets it, put a hand out and mime receiving payment.

Let's just chill out until the dwarves start moving on again. Maybe engulf some squirrels or something.

>>8603724
>you can bake all you want IN HELL

>>8603752
>dead cats

Who writes this?

>>8603782
>>8603736

Do you want to try to gain employment, or simply hang out in camp?

>Hey guys, I'm just going to kill the thread by spamming porn, okay?

Fin.

rolled 50 = 50

>>8603820
My vote is employment.

>>8603820
employment

>>8603823
if you bothered to read the comics you would know it's a complex story about cake thievery, completely relevant to this thread.

rolled 2 = 2

Employment

>>8603820
dice+1d100
If they've got anything to do, we'll do it. Gain their trust and whatnot. Rolling to gurgle "Work?"

>>8603827
>food network

what the shit

anyways

MOAR CAKE MONSTER

>>8603853
We arent here for some shitty comic about cakes, we're here for a cake golem

>>8603859
>>8603854
>>8603849
>>8603840

You manage to enunciate the word "Work?", and the head dwarf turns around, and looks over at you. "Oh? And what is it that you do, cake-man?"

rolled 8 = 8

>>8603923
DEMONSTRATE OUR GOLEM STRENGTH

rolled 38 = 38

>>8603923
Mime doing different work like >>8603736 said.

>>8603951

You lift up one of the carts, and he runs over anxiously. "Put it down, you giant pastry!" As you lower it back down, he looks up at you appraisingly. "So, you're strong... Well, I'm sure we can find you something to do. Don't really have anything to pay you with, though."

>>8603968

>>8603951

BOTH

>>8603923
dice 1d100

Uproot a nearby tree.

rolled 86 = 86

>>8603988
Frown at him with great intensity and scrutiny. I am sensing his motive.

>>8603998
(apparently I have been misinformed on how the die roller works)

rolled 92 = 92

>>8604007
It goes in the email field.

>>8604001

He seems to be trying to think of a task for you.

>>8604022
Flex menacingly, sing 'Happy Birthday' angrily. We are a weapon of war!

>>8604022
"Work?...gurgle...Gift?"

Thread seems to be autosaging, I'm going to archive it, and see about a continuation.

Guys, guys, we need to make the dwarves believe that we are just come dumb strong cake golem, play dumb and when they least expect it fuck them over.oh and the only candle for cake golem is one for his cock, and it has to be lit

>>8604016
Ah, thank you.

here's a goal im suggesting we set ourselves
.
Acquire a Tophat and Monocle.

rolled 40 = 40

"Gurgle.....GIFT." Let's try and impress upon them our desire to commemorate our first day of life.

Bump?

Don't die on me, Cake Golem.

Looks like cake golem is dead... for today.

It was kind of a good end, you know? It's like, the dwarves like us, they have hired us but we don't know what for. For our cake golem, the future is infinite.

Until he molds... or ants.

>>8604581
DON'T RUIN HIS INFINITE POTENTIAL.

>>8604455

I'm fairly sure this isn't the end of the quest, just the end of the first part.