11. You gain one level in Paladin, and the appropriate alignment. If you are already a Paladin, gain one level in Barbarian.

12. Your face melts off, but you don't notice or take damage.

13. Your weapon turns into a flower-shaped baton. Every time you strike an enemy, it grows a flower on it's head instantly, and takes 1 damage per round X the number of times it's been hit with the flower baton. The weapon changes back after the battle.

14. Your enemies pity your failure, and walk away. No one gets any experience, or any treasure. Wounds and used items, still remain however.

15. You hit the enemy so hard, it knocks him into the 4th dimension. He abuses the powers of time. (cast time stop on the enemy, and remove the no damage rule)

16. Your character's hair catches fire. Your character doesn't notice why he's taking 1d6 damage.

17. Everyone in the battle is abducted by an alien race, probed, and set back down on Earth with their memories erased. An awkward silence falls over the field. . .

18. Commercial break. All real life players are required to stand up, and do something else for 2d4 minutes.

19. Everyone in the battle, including yourself and your party members, makes an Attack of Opportunity against you. No matter where they are. No matter what condition they are in.

20. Rocks rise up from the ground, everyone within the area takes damage.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I believe this is a critical failure chart, but some of these sound like adventure ideas. Can't account for when you're young, eh anon?

21. You cut a hole in the space time continuum. Peering into the hole, you can see your character 20 years from now, and he can see you. However, as soon as he sees you, his features melt away until there's nothing left but skin and bone. The hole disappears, and your opponent strikes you with a critical hit.

22. The opponent smacks you. No damage, except for your pride.

23. The DM smacks the player. No damage, except for your pride.

24. Your pride smacks the DM. You are now the DM.

25. Your character can no longer perceive any and all cake. He will not recognize the word, and he will not be able to sense the cake at all, even through touch.

26. You switch bodies with a woman halfway across the world.

27. Your character's heart grows three sizes. Your character's heart bursts out of his chest.

28. Your character's weapon turns into a beehive. A very angry beehive.

29. You cut yourself. "Funny, I don't remember coating this sword with pois. . ."

30. All librarians now hate you, and will attack you on site.

31. Your character shouts "I just lost the game." However, he doesn't know why, nor will he ever know.

32. Your character is now deathly allergic to fish.

33. Your weapon becomes sovereign-glued to your hand.

34. Wanted posters of your character are put up everywhere. Except your character is naked in every single poster.

35. You trip. Halfway across the world from you, a hurricane utterly destroys a town.

36. A third group of monsters who hate both your party and the current monsters ambushes the fight.

37. All your rations are turned into Lemon Custard Pies.

38. You are teleported to the nearest tavern. The bartender doesn't say anything and just hands you a drink. On the house.

39. Your weapon transforms into a dire bee. A very angry, dire bee.

40. Your character becomes addicted to opium.

41. Your opponent becomes mad with power, thinking that you missed because you were afraid of his grand presence. He immediately leaves the battle and attempts to take over the world.

42. The McGuffin suddenly teleports in the middle of the room. The battle comes to a halt as both sides suddenly realize what has come into their midst.

43. Your character suddenly realizes that he doesn't really exist. He is now ethereal until he thinks that he does exist. Then he becomes material again.

44. You, and your entire party suddenly realize that you guys aren't really the chosen ones fated to save destiny. You have no idea who they really are. You and your group were just in the right place at the right time. The party suddenly feels less confident.

45. You critical hit the planet you're standing on. Roll again. If you get a 20, the planet explodes.

46. A miniature gelatinous cube materializes inside your backpack. All Tiny objects inside are thus devoured.

47. Your shadow gains a life of its own. Finally free of your character, your shadow does what it's always wanted to do. Destroy the sun.

48. The legendary 5th dentist, the one that never agrees with the other 4 dentists, suddenly agrees with them. Chaos ensues.

49. Exactly 800 miles away, a merchant finds a gold piece on the ground. The gold piece is actually a phylactery of the Lich that is secretly targeting your party. The Lich reveals his cunning plan during the first encounter, but then suddenly becomes extremely paranoid as the sudden realization that someone may have melted that gold piece down dawns on him.

50. Your weapon turns into a Bear. A very angry bear.

I'm almost done, there's only 100 of these.

51. Your character now has access to a "Manliness" skill, and gains 5 points in it. Your character can not gain anymore points in this skill. The manliness skill can be used as an added bonus for anything that may be deemed "badass" or "manly". Or the character can use this skill to instantaneously grow a beard or moustache of the Player's choosing. Note, that this skill is still usable by female characters.

52. Your character is mistaken for an animal and placed inside of a zoo. Anyone who hears your pleas for help ignore you, but are very impressed that such a savage beast can speak.

53. Your character wakes up at his nine-to-five job, with his boss yelling at him. It was all just a strange dream.

54. Your character misses and mutters a curse word so foul, that the demon lord of hell takes personal offense at it.

55. Your character now speaks a foreign language, but forgets how to speak his old one.

56. Your weapon turns into a Dire Bear. A very angry Dire Bear.

57. Your weapon turns into a can of spinach. If you eat the spinach, you gain +8 strength. Now if only you could open the can. . .

58. You become magnetized for 2d8 minutes. All metal objects within 15 fly at you and stick to your body and can not be removed.

59. You are now, by some inexplicable means, fully aware of whenever your characters best friend picks his nose. Even if you aren't in the same planet as he is, you know. Your character's best friend picks his nose once per every “charisma” hours. I.E., if he has 13 Charisma, than he picks his nose once every 13 hours.

60. A wizard in a place far from the battle field casts time stop. However, for an inexplicable reason, your character is aware of every painstaking second of it.

61. Your opponent becomes explosive to contact, but you don't know this.

62. Your opponent becomes explosive to contact, and you and he both know it.

63. Your opponent becomes explosive to contact, and you know it, but he doesn't.

64. 8 maids suddenly desire to milk you, in any way possible. Even if it means polymorphing you.
65. The enemy drives a cutting taunt into you that haunts you until your very death. "You fight like a dairy farmer."

66. Your character has a bard's curse placed onto him. The player using him must now speak in rhyme, or else anything he says is to be ignored by the DM, until the curse is lifted.

67. Your weapon turns into a bear eating a beehive. He's very friendly and teaches you the "bear" necessities of life. Gain a level in Ranger.

68. Someone in a distant land curses your name for giving them bad directions to your house. You sneeze and provoke an Attack of Opportunity.

69. The character suddenly realizes that he could have been in the FATAL universe rather than the one he is in now. The character is frightened of this thought and takes a second look at his current life.

70. Your character does the Tango de la Muerte with a dance partner. The female partner becomes pregnant. Because it is the mystery of the dance. . .

71. The McGuffin turns into a muffin. Will save DC 15 once every 10 minutes to not eat the McGuffin muffin. Add +5 to the DC for every 2 hours the character hasn't eaten.

72. A troll appears from nowhere and hands your character a handful of Sage. You sink slightly into the ground until your next turn.

73. Count every word you wrote down in your character sheet. Your character takes that much damage.

74. Your character now hates librarians, and will attack them on sight.

75. Your character becomes a loose-canon cop on the edge who doesn't play by the rules. Gain one level in Paladin, except this Paladin is Chaotic Good, and still retains his abilities.

76. You whore yourself out to 50 fat chicks for 1,000 gold a pop in order to save your house.

77. Your new, personal arch-rival appears. He looks exactly like you, has all your abilities and items, except he is exactly 1/8th your size. And hates you.

78. Your character is now a necrophilia. News runs rampant of a person who stalks and harasses the local vampire community.

79. Your character's alimony officer catches up with you.

80. ALL of your character's alimony officers catch up with you.

81. All of your character's alimony officers and wives catch up with you.
82. Your character is now an atheist. He will now actively deny and antagonize every and all Gods, Clerics, Paladins, Bards with divine spells, and polar bears. He's not quite sure why polar bears, but he doesn't believe in them.

83. The nearest Wizard PC now as the ability "Nerd Rage". If anyone offends or upsets them, they can now Rage like a Barbarian, and will immediately attack that target, friend or foe.

84. Your character is now deathly afraid of the color yellow.
84.5 Your weapon turns into a dire yellow jacket. A sentient, friendly, and very clingy, yellow jacket.

85. Your party, in embarrassment, walks away, wanting to do nothing with you anymore for the remainder of the battle.

86. Close your eyes, and open up a random page of the monster manual, and point somewhere within there. That species is now completely extinct because of your great incompetence, and every single Druid on Earth is aware of it.

87. You, and everyone around you, friend and foe, break out into a dance, complete with 50's jukebox music. However, you're still fighting. Think “Westside Story”.

88. Eighty-eight men wearing bandit masks and suits, wielding Masterwork Bastard Swords, attacks your character.

89. Your target and you are both charmed as per the spell by the other one. You two become lifelong buddies.

90. Your hand starts glowing with an awesome power. The next thing you touch with your burning grip is destroyed.

91. The love of your life transforms into a cherry pie and a tall glass of water. Your DM is now obligated to tell you that this is a “sweet surprise.”

92. You sacrifice yourself to destroy the enemy. The world sheds a manly tear. Your character ascends to the halls of Val Halla.

93. The Legendary 5th dentist hunts you down. Apparently, you had an appointment for yesterday that you forgot about. The Legendary 5th dentist is not happy about being stood up.

94. Your weapon becomes sentient, and you, and only you, are able to detect it’s thoughts. However, every time your weapon strikes something or blocks something, it screams in a chilling, high pitched, blood-curdling scream of agony. And after every battle, when you sheath the weapon, you can hear it softly crying and begging to be destroyed.

95. Your character trips so hard it flattens the world. Anyone above the equator doesn’t notice, but anyone below it falls of the earth into space.
96. Your party member suddenly decides that now would be the best time to reveal to you that they’ve slept with your significant other. Twice. On your birthday.

97. The next door you come across and it’s key both become sentient. However, the Key refuses to enter the door, under the context that they’re divorced and he wants nothing to do with that bitch. God help you if you force them together.

98. Roll again. Your character is under the impression that the new critical failure just happened and is fully aware of it, but your character is actually just being delusional.

99. Your weapon turns into the Tenga Toppa Gurren Lagann. This would be cool, if you weren’t immediately crushed underfoot. Oh, and uh. . .a very ANGRY Tenga Toppa Gurren Lagann.

100. All of the above. At the same time. No saves. Final Destination.

And that's it. Wow, like I said, some of these are dated. If you find yourself grimacing at some of these, apologies from my future self.

>>13649981
These are interesting. Kinda like a Perils of the Warp chart in most cases, even.

>>13649988
>76. You whore yourself out to 50 fat chicks for 1,000 gold a pop in order to save your house.

Or you could whore yourself out to 5,000 fat chicks for 10 gold a pop!

I like it, This will go well with the comical-over the top game I'm running with my friends. Thanks op

>>13649912
>1.5 Your weapon decides to exist again, claiming that non-existence is much more boring than existence.
How would 1.5 be decided?
Not familiar with critical tables.
>fuffered hervily
yes i did, captcha.

I remember having random effects charts like this for mixing potions in 2e, and 2e Rod of Wonder.

Thanks for the nostalgia, OP.
Oh, to be 13 again.

>>13650153

Any .5 would be activated on the second rolling on the chart.

For instance, if you roll 1, then 1 happens. If you roll 1 again for the same adventurer, 1.5 happens.

>>13650192
so essentially the player would have to critically fail twice, and get a one each time, to get his old weapon back?
Does it also remain sentient, with a mildly snarky, but bored attitude?
>xoiion human
Sounds interesting captcha. Tell me more...

>>13650382

DM's decision of course, but if I was running it, I'd have the sword disappear leaving only a sign:

"Bored.

Gonna stop existing

-Your pal
--Weapon"

>>13650448
That works. Anticlimactic, but then again, when one hits a level of apathy that supersedes the universal laws of physics...

due to the presence of OC, you mind if I stick this up on suptg for archival?

>>13650539
eh, bump, hopan for response, or that others will get through the walls of text.
It's a good read guys, seriously!

>>13650539

I THINK it might already be on there. I dunno, I lost the bookmark for that a long time ago. But if you wanna stick it up there, feel free.

>>13650693
it wasn't it is there now, archived as soon as you posted.
shame noone else is reading. There be trolls about taking over page1 though.

So, to pass the time, what would you change on that table to make it more amusing, that your younger mind could not?
How old were you back then roughly?

>>13650737

I think this was back when I was only 17, but first, I'd take out all the meme references, so I could replace them with things more timeless. Although, I suppose some of them can remain in there as a homage.

Hmm, really, I'd change some of them to make more sense as critical hits. Some of these, no matter how I look at it, are good adventures, but don't make sense as something to happen in battle.