I learned that minting currency is bad and will always lead to inflation, that pissing off France is an easy way to kill yourself, and that the Vatican really loves moving to north america.

nerve staple nerve staple nerve staple nerve staple
nerve staple nerve staple nerve staple nerve staple
nerve staple nerve staple nerve staple nerve staple
nerve staple nerve staple nerve staple nerve staple

I have learned that archers can still fuck up main battle tanks if the archers are standing on a hill. I have learned that if you are waiting years for a space ship to get somewhere, the best method of spending that time is nuking the shit out of others. I have learned that if you steal several cites from someone, and then apologize, then do it again 5 years later, they will be surprised every time.

By going off of Civ4?

Slavery is the most ideal form of running a country.

Civ Series:
I learn that Gandhi is the most agressive person on Earth. Even Hitler get fucked over by him.
Also Stack o Doom conquer everything.
Planting flag can conquer the world.
Random unadvance village can give you better technology.
Risk:
DON'T TRUST ANYONE.

I learned that making nukes, then chartering the arms treaty banning them makes the entire world love you.

And then we bombed Boudika until Ireland glowed.

I'm also pretty sure we passed a UN Resolution officially renaming Mao Zedong 'Dickhead.'

Even the most grandiose of wonders can surge up from the ground in a tiny, backwater village in a single year as long as you've got the cash.

The first orbital elevator will be built atop the Isle of Man. In twelve months, for no less than 100 trillion dollars.

>I learned that minting currency is bad and will always lead to inflation, that pissing off France is an easy way to kill yourself.

Europa Universalis 3?
"Hurr, durr, we make all our income through trading, but can't actually pend it on anything but research without inflation!"

>>13824943
What is it with Gandhi, seriously? We were bros. I had three continents, Gandhi had one and a half, his vassal had one and my vassal had half a continent. Then he wheels around and declares war on me. Then the fucker stands there, still at a friendly disposition like he's smiling and saying, "Hey, guy, nothing personal, I'm just gonna stab you in the fact and steal you shit now"

He wasn't smiling after I nuked the shit out of his homeland.

if there is one turn to finish a research then you can just withdraw a fuckton of money from it. Next turn the research will be finished and you got money too.

Also the alliance is mean as much to others as to you: nothing

>>13824919
I learned that politics is much more enjoyable from a God's eye view than from a butthurt civilian's bawww perspective.

>>13824996
I don't know. The programmer must hate him or something since he act like an asshole and backstabbed you whenever is possible.
I once control the world and let Gandhi live in one small island. He declare war on me even though he almost have no army.
Then I rain nuke on him and let his city rot in the nuclear cloud.

Burning down a palace and sending in clergymen will make a populous like you.

I learned that "Praise the Lord" gives you a +25% to your attacks.

Sexxing mindworms is a viable economic model and is very nutritious.

>>13825012


well... everyone want to wage war on you if ou are the most powerful. I mean in every turn based the AI is like without survival instict

Everyone with enough power declares war on everyone else who has something he wants and/or is currently weak, so I always have to be prepared.
No matter how good I am, it's impossible to make an empire grow with anything but force of arms.
Allies will happily do absolutely nothing to help each other, because the enemy is to far away, so I should only ally with neighbors (that I don't plan to conquer too soon)
Nobody but me has any idea how to wage war without ruining his country and/or loosing way to often.
No matter what the form of goverment is, I still get to have almost all the power.

>>13825012
The only problem with nuking the shit out of people is that you get global warming out the ass. Same with Industrialising with the expansions. It's like, okay, Firaxis, I get that you think this is important, but can you hold those views without having it fuck up my gameplay?

It takes nuclear submarines twenty years to circumvent the globe, and they are vulnerable to axemen and cavalry.

Air units aren't worth the effort, because they can only perform one action every two years.

Economy is something that happens when I click a button. Modern capitalist economy is a secret project.

You can have computers and Internet 200 years before you discover electricity.

Cities with over 320000 residents are unmanageable hives of misery and death.

It takes a diamond age megalopolis five years to build and ICBM, but six years to get enough busses for public transport. Also, you can have diamond-age megalopolises without public transport.

You can negate pollution by digging it with a shover for ten years.

Samurai are the apex ground troops of mechanized warfare. Supported by catapults, they can dislodge dug-in tanks and machinegunners with ease.

There are only three sources of aluminum in the whole world.

Never turn your back on Gandhi.

1. Spend everything you have on research and banking
2. Keep tiny, outdated garrisons only
3. Let your outlying towns be sacrificed to delay attackers
4. Churn out advanced units from all cities when faced with invaders
4a. EVERYONE FIGHTS, no exceptions
4b. If there is not a Stealth Bomber or Modern Armor blundering out of every outpost every year, you are a bad leader
5. If you get nukes first, it is your responsibility to conquer or destroy everyone else
6. If you do not get nukes first, it is still your responsibility

The people can vote but the leaders never change.

Democracies do wage war on democracies, and do so a lot.

Police Planned actually works if you are a dedicated sadist.

Free Market rules.

>>13825027
I was the only country left with him. It's not really smart I just let him live so I can trade with someone and build stuff for fun. I would think he's smart enough to don't attack the one that rule the world.
>>13825029
Global Warming? I have never notice those before.

>>13825055

as I said: no survival instinct

>>13825038

Civ III is best Civ.

>>13825058
Right. Oh just got other one:
No matter how long your empire last or how many changes it have. You will always be the leader of the country.

Medieval Total War 2
That no one, no matter how hard you try to please them will be your friend. If they do, they're just pretending until it suits them best to send their fifty-star armies at you.

Just like real life.

>SMAC is the best Civ
FTFY

TW: No matter how fucked up an AI nation is, they still somehow have an infinite supply of people to train into elite knights while I have to worry one turn some random inquisitor burns my best general

But then I realize I'm scotland with english allies so I dont have to worry about any attacks on the island

>>13825055
In base CIV4 it's tied to pollution, so it's no big deal unless people get nuke happy or there's a meltdown and nobody cleans it.

Message sent: NUKES ARE BAD AND WE NEED TO CARE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.

And it's like, okay, I get it, but why even include this stuff if you're just going to use it as a way to hamfist in your beliefs about certain topics?

However, with Beyond the Sword global warming is changed so that it also occurs if you're producing a lot of hammers. So if you've built your cities well and have some really nice production cities or if your empire is rather large then you start getting global warming everywhere. And that's the point where I start to cranky because I'm getting punished for playing well so that they can hamfist in their Wheel of Morality lesson.

1. I love peace
2. If you don't love peace and want to attack me, i'll buy all your troops and conquer your bases so we can all love peace
3. The man responsible for replanting forests has the dullest job in the world.

>>13825031
>You can have computers and Internet 200 years before you discover electricity.

Difference Engines and semaphore.

I have learned that being a conqueror is awesome.
And that wars are awesome.
But then again the latter I knew even before I got into videogames.

Also Fuck yeah America and Lincoln.

>>13825090

then start on an arctic planet

That 99% of people if given the chance of power would be militaristic dictators, judging by the playing styles of pretty much everyone I know.

Civ 5 here.

I learned that you can win against an army 10 times your army's size if you army consists of 3 double attack extended range artillery units and one random defense unit.

Double attacks per turn, shooting things 4 squares away. You can control an entire front like the sweeping arm of God.

>>13825090
Oh ok then. So what does Global Warming actually do in game?

That I should immediately begin getting everyone to breed like rabbits for the purposes of being able to troll the United Nations. At least that's how it works in Civ 4 and its analog in GalCiv.

>>13825112
sea level rises and drown low lying cities

>>13825076
Oh, they do like you, if you do it right. The AI just thinks it's necessary to provide a challenge, so it will keep you in constant warfare with a certain number of your neigbors if you grow to big. Even if that means that ancient alliances have to break for no reason at all.

I want to punch the guy who thought that was a smart idea in the dick.

>>13825112
Randomly degrades a piece of terrain. Grassland becomes plains, plains become deserts.

Call of Warhammer Total War, Sandbox mode

sending out diplomats to anyone will make them very friendly to you, even followers of khorne and orcs

If you build a wonder of the world and finish it within hours of another nation, they will tear down whatever they have built immediately. Also, the Terra Cotta warriors spawn actual, perfectly trained soldiers.

Also, depending on series, if you conquer all of Germany except Berlin, they will still go to war, and it doesn't matter nearly as much how much of a douche you've been, because YOU'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER AGAINST GERMANY, COMRADES. Additionally, one group of tanks is all it takes to completely subjugate Italy.... so, why not go ahead and do just that?

>>13825118
>>13825129
Nice. Have to try this and drown the world.

EU3: You need those fucking territories, or people will disrespect you

If you take the territories, people will hate you

You MUST be friends with the french (when you're England), but it will always be messed up because of them declaring war when you're almost there.

It is impossible to have more than three friends in your court helping you out with things. One of these friends must be a perverted old man who writes about farts and women with ass-hair.

>>13825141
And then we film a movie on it with Kevin Costner?

NEVER TRUST ANYONE

>>13825144
>must be a perverted old man who writes about farts and women with ass-hair.

I don't know, James Joyce sounds like a pretty good ally to have in these things.

>>13825144
>a perverted old man who writes about farts and women with ass-hair.

James Joyce?

>>13825164

>>13825164
>>13825179
>>13825189

Jamesjoycemind

That nothing in this world is quite as sweet as Lady Deirdre Skye begging her her life.

Sometimes I just call her up and demand random shit, just to watch her squirm. SUBMISSIVE in the attitude box is just such a wonderful way of putting things in perspective.

I learned that I'm all about some science. Forget my military, forget my people. The people will be happy that their standard of life is decades ahead of the rest of the world and my one guy with a machinegun will beat their whole army of horsemen

>>13825106
If that's the only viable way for achieving pretty much anything, including basic survival, it follows reason that everyone will spam tanks and bombers instead of fucking around with diplomacy.

>>13825164
>>13825179

Actually i was talking about Chaucer. In Europa Universalis 3, if you're england, you start with him as an advicor, and he is incredibly efficient.

You wouldn't think that when you read the Miller's tale though...

>>13825189
>>13825179
>>13825164
>>13825144
And THIS is why /tg/ is fucking awesome.

>>13825195
>Sometimes I just call her up and demand random shit, just to watch her squirm.

Imagining this being done by real-world leaders makes me happy.

That it's okay if you sit around twiddling your thumbs building wonders and researching because if you've built your cities well the second somebody declares war on you you can just rush out an army while they're deploying. Then you can go full Patriotic War on their ass and roll them back to Berlin.

And then suddenly you're the world superpower with the biggest, baddest military and nobody wants to form a permanent alliance with you anymore.

Civ II is the best Civilization.

If my friends would be to run other countries: Never believe them. Attack at the very first moment you can. Don't hesitate to wipe them out of the Earth, nuke the shit that is left, kill their women and children salt, their lands so no-one will ever live there. If not, they will backstab every time they can. Hell, sometimes even when they shouldn't be able to.

Rush enemies as fast as possible. The best time is up to ten seconds after you settled your base.

Sometimes people get annoyed when you sneak a Settler into a tiny, unclaimed spot of land in their territory, rush out an airport and then airlift in several Great Artists to culture bomb the shit out of the city.

Contrary to what you might expect, revealing the invention of nuclear weapons by dropping a few on somebody will make people MORE likely to start wars with you.

>>13825271
Sometimes people get annoyed when you burn down their house and barbecue their dog on what remains of their lawn. The shit you described goes far beyond annoyance.

>play civ 4
>dump three city on the last unexplored place
>turn them into three separate colonies
>dump some cash on them
>one rises to power in 200 years conquers all my enemies
>declares war on me
>"But i made you!"
wow am i the British?

>>13825309
Did you proceed to pretend that you still had the best empire in the world?

I regularly build submarines and load them up with tactical nukes. I then hide them under ice floes and secretly hope that someone is stupid enough to declare war.

I learned that i am entirely willing to let my people stare as long as i get to research swanky deathguns and killbots, i also learned that i am pretty peaceful and will not attack other nations unless they attack first, in which case i will do my best to utterly annihilate them or until i get bored and decide to test my new deathguns and killbots.

In the Total War series i learned that any number presented to you as a percentage chance of success needs to be reduced by at least 60% to get the correct value, i also learned that depravity, homosexuality, sadism, cowardice and stupidity are all inheritable conditions that will accumulate over time rendering your lineage a bunch of drooling idiots that would flee in terror from a mouse while still busily sodomizing anything even theoretically bipedal.

Even if you return leader his capital from an agressor he still hates your guts because you declared the war on montezuma 1200 years ago.

If you have nuclear weapons it is your duty to test them on Montezuma.

>>13825309
Did you act like an incredible dick and impose nonsensical taxes on them like they were some sort of illiterate brown/yellow people?

>>13824943
Random village in the New World (Terra map) once gain my explorer the secrets of Astronomy (which lets you build Galleons instead of shitty Caravels).

I was like "so what has kept you guys from coming over and invading my people?"

In my civ4 games, I never use prisons, and the Slavery and Police State policies.

>>13825373
I played the earth 1000AD map with Spain. Got astronomy from a random south african village. I then proceeded to colonize the shit out of Americas.

>>13825031
>You can have computers and Internet 200 years before you discover electricity.
In some parts of China the Internet is just them using autistic kids and forcing them to memorize long strings of numbers, true story.

Sending a colony ship on a year-long journey to find habitable planets. Without any colonists.

Tell 25 planets to all build entire fleets at once, no more economy.

Let an entire planet riot for years without doing shit about it.

>>13825045
>Police Planned actually works if you are a dedicated sadist.
>how.tiff
No seriously, I have tried it and economic paralysis is KILLER, you take in no energy from anywhere besides your capitol, so you will always be in the red, and being in the red basically destroys your ability to research. Probes only get so far, ESPECIALLY IF THAT FUCKER MORGAN HAS THE HUNTER-SEEKER ALGORITHM GRRRRR YES I MAD

>>13825373

I think i once in either Civ 1 or Civ 2 found a village that had survived unmolested on an island pretty late into the game, so i went into it and they presented me with the knowledge of superconductors or somesuch.

I just can imagine them ambling around at stone age level but somehow having invented superconductors before anyone else.

"Very nice, Thog... But what can it be used for?"

"Err...."

Master of Orion. The first, the best.

One huge vessel with auto-repair systems and a payload consisting only of bombs is sufficient to wipe any planet clean of life, regardless of defenses.

Transitions from fascist police states to enlightened democracies, or from state market economies to free market are never that bad. Production and growth stop for a few years but lasting damage to the empire is minimal.

>>13825420
There is shiny black stuff on the ground. Everywhere. The village shaman figures out that if you attach an eel to a pole with this shiny black stuff on it, you have made a lightning spear. All you must do is anger the eel, and you will conjur the paralyzing shock of the gods.

"What can it be used for?" becomes "Don't taze me, Thog!"

>>13825222
>rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring
Deidre: "Oh Goddess of Planet, it's Lal again, OK don't panic, maybe he just wants to co-ordinate battle plans, don't panic, just act natural, maybe he won't be creepy this time"
Lal: "Deidre, I demand you get a new hairdo to look more like my dead wife"
>Deidre's Face

My people are interested in liberty. Until we're close to war. Then the society turns into a Theocratic, Feudal Police State. And converts back just as easily after the war is won.

>>13825431

What? Master of Orion 3 was superior in all ways!!

Hmm, wonder if i end up in hell for that lie.

I remember that i used to build a bunch of small crappy ships that more or less just consisted of nuclear bombs with some duct tape and string to keep it together, then i sent them out very early in the game so that i might catch nearby races unawares and create myself some lebensraum.

>>13825431
Space Empire 4, armor with passive cloaking abilities and solar collectors III, meaning I was undetectable and never needed to resupply.

I scouted the entire map without refueling or being detected.

>>13825136
Rise of Nations bro, what's up?
Loved that game.

>>13825475
I played MoO 2 a couple of times, and every time I was like "Where are all the fucking stars?" My list of grievances is long, but the small playing field was at the top. It's not a bad game, in itself, but I think it discarded most of the stuff that made MoO great. Never played 3. How does it actually measure up?

>>13825506
There was no MoO3. Don't listen to his lies. His treacherous, hurtful lies.

>>13825502
>Rise of Nations
Main problem is the 7 nuke end game. I WANT TO KEEP PLAYING DAMMIT.

>>13825471
>Lal: "Deidre, I demand you get a new hairdo to look more like my dead wife"
Didn't he already clone her?

>>13825506

I actually quite like MoO 2, MoO3 on the other hand is perhaps the messiest clusterfuck of a strategy game i have ever played, at least the worst i have played that were made by supposed professionals.

It was clunky, unintuitive, looked like crap, unengaging, took itself way too seriously and it just did not feel like a MoO game.

I have heard rumors that fans modding it have made it playable in the years that passed, but i never cared enough to look at it again.

>>13824996
Ghandi's superaggressive because of a bug. On a scale of 1 to 10, the "warmongering" bit of his personality is supposed to be like, 0. But it's actually set SO low that the game misreads the bit and thinks it's more like 87. Hence, Ghandi acts more like Napoleon and Alexander combined.

>>Afterwind
>>ALWAYS AFRIKKA OR THE MIDDLE EAST. ALL THE TIME ANY TIME.

Nobody gives a shit about you, that's what. I never have to worry about invasion (or if I do, it's half assed naval), and you're so worthless that they don't even care if you ally with either side of a raging war.

*Sniff* I bless the raaainns down in afrikka..

>>13825471

Deirdre: A-Ah, good e-evening, Santiago! W-what a nice surprise to hear from you.

Santiago: We're going to play a little game. That big speech you're planning next week? Well, say goodbye to your knickers, my dear little flower. Alternatively, I could find out exactly how many fusion lasers it takes to get to the centre of The Flowers Preach.

Woman are the more aggressive of Human species, and thus all your efforts must first be directed toward removing any and all woman-lead factions

>>13825195
Once out of boredom I ran an Alien Crossfire game which I called 'Morgan's Harem.' The goal was simply to get everyone to capitulate, which was actually fairly useful for ensuring the extra commerce energy and being able to push UN resolutions through whenever the fuck I wanted.

"We will lower Planet's Solar Shade."
"Yes Master Morgan..."

I learned that I don't like war and will do whatever I can to avoid it, yet I don't have much problem oppressing my people.

There can only be one Superpower, the great dream of a non-polar world is an illusion. Without a single world power that holds vassalage over all the others, peace will never be achieved.

I learned that SCIENCE IS GOD.

What's that, Miriam? Your armies are practically indestructible now that you're beginning the production of the laser rover? OH NO, ME AND MY STRING DISRUPTOR PROTOTYPE ARE REALLY SHAKING IN OUR BOOTS.

>>13825456

>Don't taze me throg

This pleases me. And I've found villages that have somehow discovered the secret of fission before anyone else.

>>13825309
Should have just build the Forbidden Palace there.

I play Terra a LOT, and the benefits of transcontinental trade (make sure you have free market and ALL YOUR CITIES ARE COASTAL) easily outweigh colonial maintenance, a Forbidden Palace only sweetens the deal.

>mfw Britain should have just built a Forbidden Palace in Boston for the Queen and everything would have been alright

>>13825618

So you are not good, just lazy.

"Egads, i so despise violence, it wearies me so. Hmm, solutions, solutions. Ah yes, lets get more of those slave warrior, Mamluks or something like that, hmm? Yes, i think that will solve the problem."

so guys... ever heard of battle for wesnoth?

I learned that people are stupid. Even if I control half the landmass and I'm rolling around in this strange iron horses that spit fire, some jackass who thinks knights are the shit will declare war on me.

>>13825636
I've learned that the best secret agents are Fanatics of the Christian persuasion. Fundamentalist Miriam will steal all of your shit, including the Retrovirus you hid under your bed and the Organic Superlube currently up your ass.

>>13825637
they started creating the ultimate axe and when they finally reached perfection they tested it on various rocks one of which was raw uranium


the blade was sharp enough to split the atoms so thus the first nuclear bomb was discovered

>>13825649
Hahahaha, pretty much, yeah.
War is so tiring, takes up all my resources, and takes forever to end.

Time to delete a game and reinstall Civ4

Or just play SE5 or EU3.

Decisions, decisions...

>>13825650
It is terrible and should feel terrible.

>>13825637
That's theoretically possible...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natural_nuclear_fission_reactor

Galactic Civilisations taught me that:

A- Aliens are warmongering bastards.
B- Aliens are great trading partners.
C- Aliens are easily coerced into peace treaties that benefit me most.
D- My population stays happy if I place enough Holo Entertainment centres.
E- Even if I charge extortionist taxes.
F- Traders do not like flying through a warzone.
G- I do not need to put research time into improving buildings, only weapons. I will get building improving tech when my beaten enemies sue for peace.

Age of Empires has taught me the simple lesson that Peasants are utter idiots that will doom my realm if left unchecked.

>>13825650
There was a copypasta posted almost every other day from the developer highlighting how stupid he was.

When your game is the only strategy game and chess and X-COM aren't, there's a problem.

Also, too much fucking dicerolling at low probabilities.

>>13825674
ah EU3 taught me an important lesson


Don't kill the devil lest something worse take its place


You think France are bad? Try fighting burgundy the size of france... damn overaggressive pseudofrogs

>>13825650
The rules of war:

1. Archers
2. Magic
3. More archers
4. Zombies
5. Still more archers
6. Zombies again
7. Entire army is archers

Oh, that's right. I learned that there's actually no such thing as transportation costs. In fact, the further away you have to transport your goods, THE MORE MONEY YOU HAVE.

I've learned that even your friends will rape and pillage your villages if you neglect your military

I learned that DRAGOONS and/or IMPACT ROVERS and/or FAST HARD HITTING I CAN'T DEFEND FOR SHIT waves and waves and waves of troops allows for a comfortable period of expansion wherein nobody tries to fuck with my shit.

I also learned that playing Sven (Aquatic faction) in SMAC, teching to Nerve Gas, and Atrocity-ing the everloving shite out of an AI faction will flood the entire world, and then spread seafungus all across said flooded world.
The wrath of Planet, every other player (for the floods) and every AI faction (for the atrocities) may buttpound me into 8 different kinds of oblivion, but I shall look upon the Waterworld-meets-starship-troopers hellhole that I have wrought, and smile.

>>13825687

Remember reading about that a while back, would suck to live in a village nearby one of those.

"Why are all my teeth falling out? It is that vile neighbor village`s fault. Curse Thog and his lightning-spear."

Also, when you have completely obliterated your enemy's army and are besieging half of their territory at the same time, that's when their diplomats will usually offer to end the war if you pay them half your treasury.

What.

Civ 4 taught me that the Internet is entirely useless, why did Al Gore waste all his money on it?

>>13825699
"Sir! Sir!"

"What is it, short, unappealing clerk?"

"I just ran the numbers- If we rout all of our trade through extrasolar colonies, we'll make more than our current GDP in taxes."

"..."

"On ONE shipment."

"MAKE IT SO."

And that is how Mrs. Smith's box of cookies circled the galaxy before it reached its destination in the town 25 miles away.

>>13825724
Well, it is Civ4. So presumably to teach us all about the dangers of Global Warming.

>>13825712
Every man gets one last bluff.

I learned that computer geek scientists working in the world's most highly advanced AI design laboriatories don't know shit about computer security and always just set their password to "password". Only Jesusfreaks know how to use firewalls.

>>13825706
when they share that tech it should give some interesting reactions with the scientists

>Hey Werner, you know that problem you've been trying to fix for years?
>Bah don't remind me about it, its impossible
>Yea... turns out some african tribe found out how to do it 600 years ago
>If you need me I'll be buying a rope

I learned that military discipline means fuck all if you have tentacle monsters.

I learned that the Spanish and The Fundies must be eradicated.
That a Police state prevents riots, in turn civilian deaths, and as such is best for everyone, forever.
Laws are good, but disguising them as religion is 100 times better.
That you should only be at war fro 10 years at a time.
And that Skirmishers and Light cavalry is godsent.

>>13825746
I figure it's because the University guys just leave their computers on all the time and keep downloading cracks for the latest Morgon Soft games from really dodgy warez sites that invariably end up being trojans that have trojans that install viruses that steal all your cat macros.

Whereas the Believers all set their passwords to ridiculously long Bible passages that they've memorised.

>>13825754

Hey, the romans did a lot of shit we only recently realised how to do. Same with 'damascus steel'. Bloody carbon nanotubes are in it, due to some very very specific impurities.

Global Warming is a real and tangible threat, if you pollute too much the planet will rise up and eat your brains.

Navies are useless, use Air Force to protect your coasts.

Artillery isn't any more useful in the future as it was in WW1 (they can never kill a unit, only weaken it), but Military factions apparently have a hard-on for Big Guns.

Your enemies may be encased in near-magical armor with tachyon defense fields and minefields as far as the eye can see, but their shit is easily wrecked if you are willing to indulge in a little mindrape.

It's fun to make people beg for mercy.

>>13825754
Somewhere deep in the jungle is a long-forgotten tribe that replaced fire with casual use of fusion power a few thousand years ago. Their neighbors have been steadily launching rockets for years, but still hunt with slings. A tiny village to the east mastered the laser at about the same time your shitty civilization was trying to figure out how to bridge a river. They use it to chop trees.

>>13825754
>build cities, sail around the world, create a continent-spanning empire
"Hey guys, I just had an idea. Hear me out. I know this sounds crazy...but what if we, like moved stuff about on CIRCLES?"

This thread is comedy gold.

>>13825783
>ERROR MESSAGE: Your password must be at least 18770 characters long and must contain a reference to Our Lord and Savior

>>13825790
well if the one village had natural occuring explosive substances and they put it into logs they could technically create missiles


same with the lasers if the village had specific natural crystals that focus light if placed in succession


fusion still falls into "a wizard did it"

>>13825746
More to the point nerds are the most vulnerable to mind control.

I was trying to make a joke about nerds and titties, but it was terrible.

>>13825811
>well if the one village had natural occuring explosive substances and they put it into logs they could technically create missiles
Rockets. You mean rockets.
Unless-
>if the one village had natural occuring explosive substances and they put it into logs while guiding it by strapping giant condors to the back to use as rudimentary guidance they could technically create missiles

>>13825790
Worst of all they treat it the same way they treat their other knowledge.

"The spirits of the dead are dangerous and explosive, but with proper rituals they can be cooled, and their powers to be used for the benefits of the living"
HOLY SHIT COLD FUSION

>>13825827
the idea of cavemen strapping condors to explosive logs in order to wage war...


MAKE IT HAPPEN

>>13825811

Pfft, you just build a rough circle with the sky metal and then use a lightning spear and a gaze of god to ionize the air and.... yeah I have no idea either.

>>13825818
Probe teams consisting of women with DDs, flash them once to gain access to the entire security net.

>>13825818
Maybe the Believers have such good tech security because they're so fucking backwards technologically. Can you imagine being an elite probe team breaking into a super secret facility and then trying to retrieve information from a Commodore 64?

"Fuck. Fuck! Johnson, do you remember how to use one of these things?"
"You need to insert one of the disks and tell it to run or something."
"It just keeps giving me syntax errors. How does this fucking thing wo..."

And then the Believer guards rush in and shoot them in the faces.

>>13825841

>Jesus christ they're still using windows 9!

>>13825827

After researching fanaticism they upgrade to Sequoia mk.II Missiles.

Same bang for the buck but better targeting.

>>13825841
Meanwhile every new iteration of University software begins as some form of "Windows Vista" before it gets a few service packs.

"SON OF A BITCH WHO QA'D THIS THING"

>>13825831
and them refusing to tell how they did it lest they dishonor the spirits of the ancients

>"C'mon Thog, I'm sure your great grandfather wouldn't mind you telling us a tiny bit... We got lots and lots of shinies and foods"
>"Thog not interested, thog now use ancient powers for warming feet"

>>13825840
And the security guards, instead of stopping them, update their blog with another "I'm such a nice guy, why can't I get any sex, bitches only want alpha males".

>>13825860
>/tg/! /tg/! i saw a girl jsut a second ago, i saw a girl and she showed me her BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS
>inb4 mind control
>newfag's don't know bout believers
>enjoy getting raped by a bible op
>there are no girls in the university D:

>>13825846
>He forgot to turn the crank that jump-starts the hard drive!

>>13825851
hey cortez, we've found some tiny village of the mountain. Locals tell us to stay away though, something about bad voodoo


>Hah some silly false god cant stop us, lets do some killing


RUNAWAAAAAAY

Wars between two nations tend to end in ICBMs being thrown around.

We are still using WW2 aircraft in combat roles in the year 2020.

The UN is capable of deciding who gets to rule the world.

>>13825846
Believer data security hasn't changed since the Unity fell. Their entire information network is built on their escape pod's broken guidance system. No other faction can interface with it, because of what they did to their escape pods:

-Zakharov did science to his. Pieces of it can be found in most University particle colliders. One of them is his desk.
-Dierdre let a garden grow on top of hers, and is now unable to find it, because her entire faction is fucking garden.
-Morgan sold his.
-Santiago used hers for weapons practice.
-Lal lost his in paperwork, but insists that it is right where it is supposed to be.
-Yang melted his down to make busts of himself.

>>13825892
You can colonize another planet without knowing what combustion is.

>>13825892
The UN can force you to become an enlightened liberty-loving free-religioning, enviornment-protecting democracy

They have the power to negotiate trade pacts between all nations

Also the Apostolic Palace: even if the number of adherents to their faith within your empire can be counted on one hand, any and all decisions they reach are binding within your empire, and they can elect someone from their faith to be master of the universe.

Civ 3 here.
I try to build libraries, universities and hospitals in every city even if I have to play extra 200 gold to add a hospital to some backwater town. I try to grab most wonders, I rush to invent cure from cancer and prolong life expectancy among my citizens. And every time I stop crafting military machinery, some asshole thinks he can backstab me. I slap his shit, I NUKE THE CRAP OUT OF HIM, I don't conqueror his towns in order to destroy all roads in his country (which will literally take ages to rebuild considering I ate his workers) and leave him to sign a humiliating peace treaty so his economics will never recover. His citizens starve out in polluted nuclear-wasted towns while my people enjoy all benefits of modern technology, exclusive goods and unpolluted environment. Don't fuck with me, Ghandi.

I am laughing so hard I set luxuries to maximum.

It doesn't matter who you are or what religion, ideology or creed you follow, IT IS EVERY CITIZEN'S FINAL DUTY TO GO INTO THE TANK AND BECOME ONE WITH ALL THE PEOPLE.

>>13825905
>-Zakharov did science to his. Pieces of it can be found in most University particle colliders. One of them is his desk.

This just in - Zakharov's desk is a particle collider.

>>13825905

>Implying the Gaians are actually unable to access their escape pod due to the thousands and thousands of mind worms they have in there.

Seriously, most of the time you don't even need a regular army with them.

I also learned cavalry with one-shot rifles is a viable solution against entrenched tanks. And that bombers can actually slap the shit out of F-15's.

that surprises you?


heck I wouldn't be surprised if his desk transformed into a planet buster with an espresso machine

Spearmen can beat tanks.

In the future, life will suck no matter where you live, whether it's a Police State hellhole, a capitalist hellhole where the Company owns your oxygen, a Thinking Man's hellhole where proles and grad students are used as guinea pigs, a Militarist hellhole where the Sargent has the authority to rape your anus if you show up late for muster, a theocratic hellhole where fun is outlawed, a legalist hole that tried to uphold the UN charter but was conquered years ago, an environmentalist hellhole where...

OK being an environmentalist isn't so bad (unless it's a green police state), but i sure hope you aren't skittish about nudity and bestiality.

>>13825940
I learned that a single tank can usually kill a lonesome archer, but if there are two archers TOGETHER, it will take TWO YEARS for the tank to finally fight his way past them.

>>13825950
Imagine if BY LAW you were required to love the environment and hate pollution, under threat of being thrown into the horrible horrible rapepit.
Additionally, you are required by law to have deep empathy for, and an intuitive connection to, the feelings and ideas of every other motherfucking random chucklefuck around you.
And they're all goddamn Apple iPod-using hippies.

>>13825955
Unless it is of superior German design and can attack multiple times per turn.

>>13825968
At least Gaians get laid. All the time.
Although they never seem to use beds.

>>13825969

Germans usually come well off in Civ games, the U.S tends to be powerful too.

>>13825968

and by law the fuckhuge spiders can lay eggs in you

>>13825989
there's enough people who would take that as a bonus

>>13825976
Most of that sex is probably with animals
"all if one man, planet is within all of us man, the cosmic energy of life flooooows (no really, we have tech that can utilize the cosmic energy of life to bake cakes or some shit)

>>13825592
>Santiago: We're going to play a little game. That big speech you're planning next week? Well, say goodbye to your knickers, my dear little flower. Alternatively, I could find out exactly how many fusion lasers it takes to get to the centre of The Flowers Preach.
... Deidre wears knickerbockers?

>>13826000
Inside every Gaian treehouse is a marvelous device called a Sex Oven. It does what one would expect.

>>13826007
Not anymore, she doesn't.

Advance Wars
No matter how many countless soldiers get blow away we can all go clubbing when its done.

Civ3
Constant war leads to flight in the 1500s!
Fuck you Ghandi, Catherine and Elizabeth.

Shogun Total War
Fuck you Portuguese, at first I was impressed by your honesty but then you pissed me off.

Risk
Never get involved in a land war in Asia

>>13826007

Well, I was thinking of using it as an eosoteric term for underwear.

Hmm. Actually, she never struck me as an underwear type. Long flowing, semi-covering saris, sure. But not underwear.

Oh god. All of her underthings are just very very placid, well shaped mindworks.

>>13825968
So sign me up for the Police State Hellhole. At least I'll be forced to be Useful, and as long as I work, and don't fuck with the state, I can hate whoever I want.
Let the company control my oxygen. I can sell my time, my ideas, my hard work and my body to EARN my goddamn oxygen, and not only that, earn MORE goddamn oxygen than those motherfucking hippies.
And I'm okay with being a guinea pig, because for every 99 wastes of life, there is 1 great shining candle, focused into a great machine of industry or great weapon of destruction, with which to make the planet MY GODDAMN BITCH and bulldoze over whoever's pissy about it.

Let the Gaians preach their silly religion, but one way or the other I shall see this compound burned, seared, and sterilized until every hiding place is found and until every last Mind Worm egg, every last slimy one, has been cooked to a smoking husk. That species shall be exterminated, I tell you, Exterminated, and with it, every single so-called 'person' on this entire goddamn deathball that could look me in the face and say that species is worth protecting.

>>13826017
Not all of those mindworms are placid. Dierdre may always seem mellow and relaxed, but believe me, she isn't.

>>13826007
American definition
>>13826017
British definition

>>13825950
There's also Canada.

>>13826026

Aw. Don't be like that. Honestly, they're very friendly once you learn how to smell the right way.

Besides, they're fantastically useful. Nothing like a psychic abomination concealed around your body to keep people on task in caucus.

"Maybe...maybe, if I turn into a machine, Zakharov will finally love me?"

>>13826047
Canada is probably the only place on earth that went "global crisis? earth in peril? colonists leaving to continue the species on a foreign star? eh, Stanly cup is coming soon, who cares."

>>13826040

Mate, I take the minutes. I know EXACTLY what she uses the bloody terrors for, and it ain't internal security.

>>13825309

I was playing as the Incas once, and started in China. As by year 1100 I had more population and cashflow than every other nation in the game combined, and since everyone was busy killing each other for Africa while I bribed my neighbours into peace, I proceeded to conquer America.

After a couple hundred years, my empire conquered the new continent in its entirety. I had 58% of the world, 2% more, I think, to achieve victory. Then the unthinkable happened. A lider rose in my far colonies, and everyone rallied behind him to wage war against me!

FUCKING GANDHI.

Not turn based, but I learnt from Spore (shut up I'm going somewhere with this) that going Omnivore, diplomatic then capitalist is all well and good, but making your ship to look like a Reaper and then wiping out all life is much much more fun,

I imagine Zakharov's after-school parties are pretty boss.

ENTIRE FLOOR IS NOW MINDWORMS

HAVE SOME EXPERIMENTAL HALLUCINOGENS, SEE YOUR OWN DNA

GAMMA PROJECTOR HEATING SNACKS DO NOT APPROACH

HOLY FUCK THIS ISN'T ALCOHOL GET THE PADDLES

THAT IS A PARTICLE IMPACTOR NOT A BEER BONG PUT IT DOWN

OH GOD OH GOD NOBODY'S WATCHING THE CAGES MY QUANTUM RATS CEASE TO EXIST IF THEY'RE NOT OBSERVED

I AM INCAPABLE OF SPEAKING AT NORMAL VOLUME SINCE I INJECTED MY VOCAL CORDS WITH THIS THING I FOUND ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR

>>13826070
Once your emotions are gone, you won't need love anymore.

>>13826111
>OH GOD OH GOD NOBODY'S WATCHING THE CAGES MY QUANTUM RATS CEASE TO EXIST IF THEY'RE NOT OBSERVED
This is beautiful

>>13826100
Reaper spaceship?

SCREENSHOTS.

>>13826111

Ok, i have to admit, that quantum rats line is priceless.

Best thread on 4chan right now.

>>13826070

>dohohoh, implying your horrible, sweaty, inefficient, emotional mucus filled body doesn't fill him with revulsion.

somehow I ant to play again with this games but then... I played them so much it would be kinda boring....

>>13826140
All imperfections will be deleted.

>>13826084
>ain't internal security
Well the man was half right.

>>13826140
OPTIMIZING...OPTIMIZING...
OBSOLETE HORMONAL FUNCTIONS EXPUNGED
THIS DATA PROCESSING UNIT IS NOW OPERATING AT PEAK EFFICIENCY

PRIMARY FUNCTION ONLINE

>>13826166

Watching her just gently vibrating there, with a half-smile on her face. Cheeks just a little flushed. Fuck me, I know I was bred for this job, but couldn't she at least TRY to conceal it from me?

>>13826166
He's totally right, in a way. When you've replaced your immune system with mind worms, what do you fear?

>>13826178

OH MY GOD GUYS, WE CAN RUN A CS SERVER ON HER LEFT TIT.

SOMEONE GET JIM IN HERE, I THINK WE CAN GET A UBUNTU RIG GOING.

UHG OH, SHE'S SORT OF LEAKING FROM THE EYES. CHECK THE MAN PAGE.

Has this been archived? If not, I'm putting it on the agenda for the next Council meeting.

>>13826178

Well what if your primary function was to get the thing to fall in love with you?

>>13826199
>LOOK AT YOU, ZAKHAROV

>PANTING AND SWEATING AS YOU RUN THROUGH THE UNIVERSITY

>HOW COULD YOU REJECT A PERFECT, IMMORTAL MACHINE

>>13826178
A fascinating specimen, oh yes. Tell me my dear, do you like a good shield?

>>13826221
so thats why they fled earth?

>>13826221
"I reject nothing. It is I who rediscovered the truth of man's genetic code. It is I who analyzed the substructure of the universe... and weaponized it. It is I who built you, and it is I who knows you best. And it is because of what I know that I must decline your offer. For I, Provost Zakharov, behold your secret."

"YOU ARE ACTUALLY A MAN."

>>13826221
shut up, bitch, Durandal was a more magnificent bastard than you

I believe the worst thing i ever did in a video game was in Civ 1.

Me and a friend, we played the crap out of Civ 1, and once late in a game we came upon Alexander the great, or in this case Alexander the inferior.

You see poor Alexander had been trapped in a cul-de-sac surrounded on three sides by mountains, so at this late stage of the game his poor city was just size 4.

So obviously we tormented him... for a century.
But we grew bored by our sport and established a new shiny city near his, complete with hookers and blackjack, and then we left it undefended.

Sure enough Alexander took the bait and invaded with all his military might (two units), So we struck back, killed his units, wiped out the new city with a nuke and reduced the original to size 1.

And then Alexander sued for peace, actually that is dignifying it a bit, he groveled for peace, like a beaten dog he offered us everything he owned, all his money, all his tech and his eternal servitude, we graciously accepted.

And then the next year, we nuked him.

>>13826259
I like how every mad AI has a pet hero.

>>13826221

OhShitOhShitOhShit ShesbackRUN!

- Academician Prokhor Zakharov, For I Have Tasted The (Crazy) Fruit.

whAt isss going on here?

I learned that even if you are the greatest nation in the world, and control the entire african continent, its gold supply, and have better tech than anyone else, a one province big nation can automatically take your land from you in a war because you are an "uneducated pagan savage."

Also that if you are the pope you can rack up absolutely massive infamy without any real reprucussions unless someone has a mission to grab some bottom land in italia

oh and the ai will always have a better general than you, and will cheat on the random number generation to "balance"

(THANKS PARADOX)

>>13826317

>AI Will always have a better general then you

Seriously, fuck this shit.

I do heartily enjoy trolling the hell out of the Pope when playing as Byzantium though.

"Whats that bro? You want me to give you back Rome? But then I would have to abandon my dream of leading a revitalized Roman Empire!"

>>13826317

Seems like the Total War team and the Paradox team have gone to the same school of game design.

I learned from Total War that inevitably even if you dominate the entirety of Europe massive waves of rebellion will cripple you and miraculously resurrect factions that your great-great-great-great-great-grandfather killed 500 years ago and those new factions will invariably be fielding massive formations of units decked out in the best tech in the game and led by generals that noone had ever seen before that moment but still are as good or better than the generals you have that have been fighting battles since they were able to form semi-coherent words.

>>13826340
To be fair you can work around that by exploiting their derpy as fuck AI.

"Oh boy, look at this. A small company of soldiers have landed on the Eastern side of your Empire and are laying siege to this province! Better rush every single one of your armies down there. And then when they get close, I'll load those fuckers back up onto their boats and get out while my main armies invade the western half of your empire and grab your territory before your armies are back near me"

Carthage lost two-thirds of her Empire from me doing that.

>>13826369
I used to think that the R in R:TW stood for Rome. In fact, it stands for Rebellion and my love for that game died with the people who I kept on exterminating to put down overpopulation riots.

>>13826371

THat sounds terrible.

Better to just stick with Shogun Total War. The AI's a lot smarter in that one.

>>13826369
paradox went an extra mile with the last expansion


their alliance system is now so that every damn conflict has a very real chance of starting WWI 300 years in advance

War is expensive.
Try your hardest to produce a decent heir.
Don't fuck with the ducks.
Don't fuck with the pope unless you can get away with it by invading Rome or assassinating him.
If everything goes wrong, just set fire to it all and hope for the best. This one works at both the macro and micro level.
Infantry divisions alone can win a war.

i'm obsessed with city development, even if the city's population doesn't necessarily need more buildings

>>13826417

>have a good chance of starting WW1 300 years before 1914.

Actually technically, WWI would be like WW7 or WW8.

If you ever have to bother defending, your offense wasn't strong enough.
Great Britain has been a giant cockblock through all of history and I hate it I hate it I hate it.

>>13826390

Rome Total War was aggravating, but it still hold a place in my heart since i could employ incendiary pigs and sodomites of death.

Empire Total War was pretty weak too, but i loved it for one of my assassins, i played one of the Indian factions and one of my thugees just kept succeeding on his missions, he was one of the main reasons i conquered India in record time.

So at age 45 he was out of work, no more enemies.

So i sent him to Rome to claim the biggest scalp of them all, he would kill the pope just because.

Imagine my disappointment when i found out that i could not kill the Pontifex Maximus.

So i sent him on a rampage through Europe, generals, gentlemen, anything else that he could reach, they all fell before him.

He died in Rome at age 98, i like to imagine that he was choking the life out of the Pope with his gnarled and knotted old man hands when Kali called him to her.

>>13826462
well I still don't know how a border conflict with castille got me in a war with the ottomans


and entire europe started to fight with eachother

>>13826470
oh boy don't play victoria

>>13826481
I did, that's why I'm saying this.

>>13826473
What was his name?

As an EU3 France player...Fuck Britain. FUCK YOU GUYS SO MUCH. ON YOUR FUCKING LITTLE ISLAND I CAN'T REACH.

FUCK YOU. FUUUUCK.

Which is the best total war to start with?

Most games I like to start with the first in the series, but it seems like Rome completely hates my beloved "build it all up to max" playstyle

>>13826524

Unfortunately i no longer remember, it was long and multisyllabic and i believe it started with Ra....

>>13826533
>plays EU3 as france


you deserve everything bad that ever happens to you

Signed Burgundy

>>13826533

As a Castile player, I can say,
France WILL fuck your shit up if you decide to be bros with England. They will march through your homeland, and you will be powerless to stop them. Then, when you've wrecked your economy beyond measure just to stall them a little, they will stop because England decided to give up two non-CoT dutch provinces.
SO MAD

>>13826538

All Total War games i have played have the problem of fake difficulty with rebellions everywhere in the late game.

Medieval or Medieval 2 are probably best.

If you want hilariously overpowered units the Jomsviking from the expansion to the first Medieval game was memorable.

It was a large unit filled with heavily armored blenders.

>>13826470
also victoria 2

and When playing china enjoy getting carpel tunnel syndrome as it takes over an hour to set up your first wave of unit production, then watch as you have to keep clicking once you start the clock from massive overpopulation leading to more troops (which you need because the brits WANT, YOUR, TEA)

>>13826588
in my current EU3 game me (castille) portugal england and aragon gangraped the french at the start off the round


sadly Burgundy decided to be sneaky assholes and grab all the northern land of france

And I can't assault them without bohemia bringing down half the HRE on me

I learned I would not hesitate before launching carpet bombing against civilian populations. Its not my fault the enemy decided their capital was the best place to hide all their hardware.

I've learned that I should never have more than 6 cities under my control, that cities can specialize, and that they NEED to be specialized in either culture, science, or productivity if I'm to survive being India's or Mexico's neighbors.

Burgundy is such a wargamer's favorite. So many good units and possibilities, let down by many things that were mostly outside of actually fighting battles.

A 99% hit chance misses surpringly often.

>>13826708
>mfw he believes such a thing as '99% hit chance' exists

>>13826708
I was playing a game of Fall From Heaven II and was softening up a city before my big push. This involved suicide rushes because I didn't have catapults yet. One of my units had some ridiculous chance of success like 1.25% or something. I sent him in to die for the cause except that he wasn't ready to do that. He ripped and teared his way to victory and into my heart. I named him and promoted him up as I got better tech. He became one of my best units in that game.

I have learned that I am a just and pretty good person most of the time, I am a lousy strategist, and GOD DAMN IT IF I AM NOT GOING TO NUKE THE SHIT OUT OF THAT OTHER CONTINENT BECAUSE EXPLOSIONS.

>>13826797

I too have learned the lesson that it is possible to compensate for strategic ineptness with superior firepower.

I learned that I have a bleeding heart, and would do whatever I could to make my people happy and healthy, even if it meant lack of military or even technological progress.

As well, I'd treat not only my own people with a velvet glove but others other nations as well, and support them and share with them. Never make wars, only spread the love and happiness. Because there doesn't need to be poverty, hunger, depression or suffering. Together we can make a better world, a happier world, a stronger world.


Conversely however, should someone raise a hand to me in aggression, then suffer the iron fist as I bear upon them with a force unmatched regardless of assistance from allies. Even citizens are happy to be conscripted against those who show unwarranted aggression to our kindness. And once war is started, we never stop till all the enemy is eradicated, to the last man. Cities razed, lands burned, people killed. When you have an apple tree with a few bad apples, you burn down the entire orchard and salt the earth, that's what I say.

I suppose in this respect, the thing that turn-based games taught me is that more than anything else, I am both merciless and cruel in undue measure.

>>13826949
I have learnt that i don't give a fuck about my people, as long as there exists such a thing as SCIENCE!

>>13826964
Oh man, I need to buy Alpha Centauri.
Technocracy is my favorite.

>>13826878

nah, you talking about tactics. Strategy is the road to have as much firepower as you can and even more to the site.

It's like logh, Reinhard was an epic strategist but fairly often his ass was kicked by the other guy who was an epic tactician.

>>13825549

I liked MoO and MoO2, so I tried MoO3, thinking how bad could it OH GOD WHAT IS THIS!?

Even after all the mods, the planetary upgrade AI was useless, among other negative things. Each planet had to be tended by hand. The only thing I liked was the swarms of missiles a fleet would fire as they converged on enemies as they futilely tried to run.

What I learned is attacking one enemy planet at a time is a messy business when it is much better to build up forces while appeasing your neighbors. Then, when they get paranoid and declare war on you, BLITZKRIEG! All their worlds at the same time!

their face when

>>13826949
I rename other people's cities after I conquer them, just to show them my power.

I learned that people are nothing but numbers for me to spend aquiring more numbers to spend aquiring more numbers....
then I quit the game, looked at the world governments and I wept for humanity

>>13827051

Eh, my people starve, rebellion and unrest spread, the country is virtually defenseless because i am to lazy to put up a proper defense, so i just go max science and make weapons of mass destruction and uberunits.

I just realized i am one of those cliched evil emperors that goes: Release the Killbots and then returns his attention to the more deserving venues of his harems and wineyards.

>>13827097
I wonder how many of the world's leaders could actually even beat a game of Civilization at anything beyond Settler difficulty.

Actually, that should be some sort of entry exam for any governmental position of power.

Let's see:
Space Empires IV:
- Psi weapons are the way to go. Seriously. Nothing like the ability to take over an enemy ship from range 5 without the stupid need to take down their shields or the risk of them blowing up themselves that normal boarding has. Then you proceed to analize the living shit out of their tech and beat them with their own weapons. Giving the AI the production bonus is just giving yourself more ships to take over.

M: Total War II:
- Nobody likes Poland (or any country the player controls for that matter), but who cares? Mounted Crossbowmen spam. I have about 700 of these fellows and they managed to anihilate armies twice or more their size. Up until the enemy starts having their own archers, but the AI still hasn't come up with that.

Civ IV:
- If your cities aren't able to spit out a modern tank army in one turn, you're doing it wrong.
- My country always is the most peaceful one, with barely any units garrisoned and the occasional soldiers to defend against barbarians... up to the moment I am declared war upon. Suddenly, the peace-loving nation turns into an effective, unit-summoning war machine, which suprisingly doesn't stop just at the opponent that wanted my land. Now that I have all those units, I can might as well use them.
- Kill Montezuma on sight, unless you like having 20+ unit armies... I mean tourists wandering around your country.

X-Com:
- When in doubt, Blaster bomb it to oblivion. Also, Psi Amp the fuck out of everything that's not one of yours. The only true ending is psi-control-and-make-them-shoot-their-own-mother-brain-in-the-first-turn one.

>>13827080
I like renaming cities to reflect the battle I won to conquer them.

So in Fall From Heaven I ended up with cities named 'Elf-Fall' or 'Bloody River'.

In response to the main question, I find myself fortifying a peninsula or continent, then researching faster than my opponents and pushing colonization efforts. I also firmly believe that efficient road and rail networks can make up for a small military; Mobilizing chariots from across my empire in order to respond to threats.

M:total war 2

units with shield and spear and fuckload of archers/crossbowmen. Fuck the cavalry thats for pussies. Of course you don't know what fairplay is. Bring as much men as you could. Also assassin spam. assassinate the shit out of them. There goes a general? assassinate. There goes a merchant? backstab. there goes something? ohh look, accidents all the way! Ohh hello roal family, to you have a nice crypt? No? Well better start build one.

>>13826878
There is no such thing as too much firepower. Overkill is a myth - there is only "open fire" and "reload". Unless it's a nuke - then it's just "push the red button and give me popcorn".

If you don't invest in your military, other countries will just walk over you.

Research and development is the lifeblood of your economy, and a requirement for future success. Too much and your economy will tank, too little and it will plateau.

Public works are an investment, not a requirement.

When in doubt, build APCs.

Enemies will attack them above everything else without fail.

I've learnt that playing as most hilariously hyperaggressive faction possible is jolly good fun. Especially in GalCiv2.

What's that, Literally-anyone-at-all? You want a trade treaty? Well, I just virus bombed your homeworld.

In EU3 I learned that inheriting France solves alot of problems but creates many new ones.

NO BRITAIN YOU CAN NOT HAVE NORMANDY BACK, STOP TRYING.

STOP FUCKING ME IN THE ASS SPAIN, I DON'T CARE IF YOU OWNED ROUSSILLON FIRST.

WHY IS THERE SO MANY REBELLIONS? HOW CAN THERE BE SO MANY COUNTRIES IN ONE PROVINCE?

Also the Pope will excommunicate your ass at every given chance, so you might as well just become a protestant.

The Mongols WILL rise again

and Russia never falls to anything other than rebellion, and even then they'll be back in a few years, fucking zombie slavs.

>>13827128
It's called mobility. A small mobile army can and will rape a large sluggish army.
>education afeldh
Yes captcha, we must educate them in the ways of afeldh

>>13827224
Oh, I'm extremely peaceful in GalCiv2.

That's why I build two Influence space stations right in the front yard of any planet bordering on my space. U MAD?

Oh, you wanna start a WAR over this? Okay, guys, you all saw he started this, right? K, time to depopulate all your planets. Remember, I'm not the aggressor here.

I've learned that I'm a pragmatic and that I need the affection of my people. Discontent because there's too many people? The military just doubled in size. Starving people? The military doubled up again.

I also learned that it's almost impossible to get an ally unless you beat them silly and force them to ally you.

Tell me, /tg/...in all your life, have you ever, ever actually responded positively to any of the "I want you to give me some tech I don't have for free, just because!" messages the computer likes to send so much?

They always make me laugh, because basically what they're saying is "I am technologically inferior to you".

>>13827228

>zombie slavs

I DEMAND A WRITEFAG!

>>13827299
on occasion, usually because they're asking for stuff like education and engineering while I'm building the internet and conquering the Zulus with M1 Abrams.

>>13827299
I responded positively to one of those because it was my friend sitting right next to me who sent it and we agreed on it (a few years later my civ got some other tech as a gift in return).
If it's the computer, it saddens me there is no "Laugh in his face" option if they ask me for it. If they demand, I sometimes end up counter-demanding something from them just to piss them off. It usually makes them wage war on me, so I can finally end their misery.

>>13826111
Classic.

Mount and Blade:
Your villagers will be killed and their homes pillaged by a rape train 10 times the size of your army at every time and opportunity even if the war is on the other side of the continent. Make peace with this.

While mounted, peasants are small time and their weapons are weak--- until the terrifying moment one of them gets a lucky strike or they mob you.

The king's grand strategy makes a dwarf fort part look well timed. Not only will no one want to strike when the time is right, they'll probably flee at the earliest opportunity because someone is holding a feast.

>>13827386
>horse raped out from under me by vilagers with rocks
>take a tumble.
>army is 200m across the field

>>13827299

Only it it's Catherine asking. I would give everything just to keep her happy. AND YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER GANDHI YOU INDIAN SPAWN OF HELL

This thread makes me want to play Alpha Centauri.

>>13827542

Civ Rev Catherine is superior

M2TW:
Byzantium = 2nd best horse archers available from turn 1. 12 Vardarotai + 8 generals = unstoppable army that can defeat any infantry army with next to no casualties and is only slightly hampered by enemy cavalry archers or gunners
Siege equipment is unnecessary. Just have a spy look at the most fortified castle in the world, and he will open it 88% of the time.
Also, Mongols will cross all of Europe peacefully just to attack you, even if you are Spain.

EU2: Burgundy should have won the 100 years war and dominate Europe (I actually do believe this one personally). Burgundy is also incredibly unfair because they are culturally French, German, and Italian, allowing them get max income from almost all of western Europe.

HOI3: Everyone is so worried about Hitler that they won't notice you taking over every nation in the world that is not a member of the Allies or Axis. Also, even if Japan is allied with Germany, if you ally with China against Japan, Germany will leave you alone

I learned from EU3 that my preferred government is one with massively centralized power, cares nothing about religions or ethnicity, and let's it's people live their lives as they please up until they decide to revolt. Then I send in the army. Who cares about inflation?

Yes, I was playing the Republic of Novgorod, then Russia. Me and the Ming and the HRE were BROS4LYFE

>>13827682
>Burgundy should have won the 100 years war and dominate Europe (I actually do believe this one personally)
By any chance, have you looked into the Divergences mod for Vicky 2?
It has Burgundy live on until the 1800's as a major industrial power in Western Europe. Sounds like something that would be up your alley.

>>13827599

Second

>>13827114
But the behavior of the AIs (particularly the diplomacy behavior) makes it so that Conquest is the only sure path to power...

- "Infantry win firefights. Tanks win battles. Artillery wins wars."
- World leaders throughout history would've had a much easier time of world conquest if they'd had me to tell them what to do.
- When playing Diplomacy, roleplaying as Russia with unnecessary amounts of vodka does very bad things to my powers of persuasion.

Fall from heaven II:
-I must place each city perfectly, so raze unwanted conquered cities
-unless I have vampires then remove the bit of code that prevents vampires from feasting cities into oblivion
Yes that is a level 86 unit all it's exp came from eating your citizens.

-Archmages can conquer cities, 4 Archmages buffing the hell out of just 3 units lets them conquer the world

FFHII: Rise From Erebus
-The only worthwhile victory is getting one of your mages the Omnipotent promotion then burn everything

Conduct your Blitzkrieg with your best and fastest German mechanized units. Send in your allied expeditionary forces to clean up the stragglers.

Too often my mechanized divisions would blast right through enemy lines sending them on the run, be fighting the enemy's second lines of defense in the next province... when the first line would regroup and cut off my supplies. Having hoards of infantry from Austria, Hungary, Yugoslavia, Romania and Bulgaria moving in and occupying provinces put a stop to those damn Soviets regrouping.

Hearts of Iron II

Civ 5:

Never actually take control of conquered cities if you can help it

>>13828204
While we're at HoI II:
- Surround them ruskies whenever possible unless you want to repeat the historical outcome of Barbarossa
- Unopposed Tac/Dive bombers will brutally rape every non-entrenched division within range
- It is possible to win against Russia while playing Germany, by using only HQ units plus starting units (not done it personally, seen one player confirm it, I'm not quite certain about the difficulty level though, possibly normal)

I learned that if I got my hands on enough ICBMs I would drop them all on a single continent to create an irradiated wasteland. Then, being a thoughtful madman, I would send legions of mechanized infantry to smash any surviving settlements.

Why you ask? To watch barbarian huts show up. And the barbarians....

The barbarians are the mutants.

More HoI II

Planning invasion of the Americas, thinking invading the US would be challenging. Occupy the Dominican Republic and Haiti to function as the main staging area.

Start the invasion, Panama quickly falls, Panama Carnal now belongs to Germany, flawless first step.

American fleets move to engage my German fleets. Apparently the US is a bitch and a power gamer. I have no idea how broken Carriers are... my fleets mostly consist of 5-10 state of the art carriers, with a lot of support ships in these massive carrier groups... I have a couple fleets like this.

The 5 or 6 US fleets arrive. Each fleet is 100% carriers. Fleets of 20-30 carriers. Holy fuck wth?? They kick the ever living shit out of my balanced carrier groups.

So apparently carriers are broken, and the US comp knows this.... so they make fleets of pure carriers. Old carriers, new carriers, it doesn't matter... what matters is that they are carriers and not other ships (which are apparently useless for doing anything but commerce raiding when compared to the carrier).

Ok so my fleets are destroyed. In my anger I nuke Washington, and Chicago multiple times. And the Luftwaffe runs daily bombing sorties randomly across the United States.. just because they are fucking power gamers abusing the OPness of the carrier. At least those bomber pilots got to relax on the tropical beech after a long day of bombing and killing power gamers.

There's no such thing as too much overwhelming force.

>>13828458

Lessons learned. My hate for flavourless power gamers and dirty tricks is almost as much as my hate for Communists.

While you may not be able to conquer a powergamer or one that uses underhanded tricks (as you would be able to conquer a Communist regime), there is always a way to make them pay for their actions.

Also, making your enemies pay for their crimes should never prevent you from enjoying life. Those Luftwaffe bombers worked long, hard days bombing the US. They all got to spend their free time on the tropical beeches relaxing.

>>13828458
Yeah, carriers are OP with the right doctrines it's not even funny. Pretty much the same as with bombers. I've seen players agree to restrict the possible air armada just to make it fair. Best thing to do in your situation is to either try to bomb the carriers to oblivion (since there are no escort ships, your guys have no choice but to target the carriers, just provide sufficient fighter support) or trick the US fleets and land on American soil where there is no fleet around (paradrop + transport ships waiting nearby = suddenly panzers!). That power gaming won't help the US when you'll take over his ports and start pounding his troops mainland.

I learned that with drop pod infantry with orbital insertion capabilities there is no such thing as war on too many fronts.
Also Poland could curbstomp Germany in 1936 if it played its cards well and Czechoslovakia was the key to victory

>>13828932

>drop pod infantry with orbital insertion capabilities

Drop troops are the best way to massacre defenseless civilians.

1) drop into undefended city
2) salvage all improvements
3) destroy city
4) go back to step 1)

>>13824919
every time a lesser nation takes over one of your cities, your now subjugated citizens immediately destroy all hospitals, libraries and infrastructure in general.

>>13828985
for me there's nothing more gratifying than taking control of almost all enemy cities while their army is halfway through to my territories on the other side of the world, then destroying that army before it gets anywhere

>>13829051
Reminds me of playing Homeworld in MP. Somehow i only managed to play with retards it seems.

1- Spam huge fleet.
2- Wait for them to decide to attack.
3- Send fleet to "intercept".
4- Hyperspace jump right next to their mothership.
5- I win.

That gassing entire planets is a-okay but Terror Stars are not.

I've learned that I am an isolationist leader who does nothing but upgrade his technology in peace... until I am attacked and then THE CLENCHED FIST OF THE MOST MIGHTY MILITARY FORCE IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND COMES CRASHING DOWN ON THE HOUSE OF THE PITIFUL MAN WHO DECIDED TO DOOM HIS CIVILIZATION TO DEATH AND DESPAIR.

I have learnt that looking at her cleavage is surely nice. But it doesnt mean she can just declare war on me all game long because I founded christianity and she didn't. Goddamn fanatics.

>>13829918
Forgot image

>>13829250
you're forgetting
>>build 50 salvage corvettes
>>never build another ship
>>u mad aliens

I've learned that a great war like WW1 is inevitable in all strategy games. Hordes of infantry and artillery waging a giant war.

Never be the first person to use nukes in anger.

Always be the last person to use nukes in anger.

bump

Never play Civ4 with friends or roommates.

If you do, keep plenty of liquor to smooth the situation over after.

Battle for Wesnoth:
Subtract 50% from your to hit, add it to their to hit. Actually. I fought druids with skirmishers in forests, they always fucking hit me with their staff. 3/4 times, no exaggeration. Pissed me off. Also, the campaign: fuck you! Fuck! You! You unbelievable dick! You took away my dwarves, my healers, my mages, and left me with shit for elves! You even destroy the villages when I conquer them! FUCK YOU!

Civ 4: Archers beat everything inside a city.

M:tW: Rebellions from everyone everywhere all the time! I was playing Sicily. I beat the Almohads, the Spanish, French, the Turks, the Egyptians, the Byzantine, the fucking Pope (aka Excomunicatus V), and was at war with the Hungarians. Suddenly, EVERYONE REBELS. EVERY SINGLE PROVINCE, EVEN SICILY AND MALTA. The pope comes back. I HAVE A CIVIL WAR. I shifted stuff around, managed to keep my losses down to 10 countries, but wtf!

>>13834978
Oh, and the rebellions? ALL LONG-LOST HEIRS. Every single one. All with around 10,000 of the best troops it was possible for ANYONE to get (some better than me) and the best upgrades that could be gotten. Total crap.

i learned that only indecent people think too much about blackholes

>>13835000

Yeah, that and the "subtract at least 60% from all random rolls to get true chance of success" issue are what make me rage at the Total War games.

>>13833104
Or just agree from the start that you've got a permament alliance. Though this usually works for 3 or less players and we give the AI a boost/raise the difficulty level just to make it even. Still, it's quite fun when you're sitting there in one room going:
"Ok, so I'll get my transports and make a surprise D-Day on his ass, while you start a massive assault on your border.
How do we share the lands?
I'll take the north-west, you take the whole south and we nuke the rest.
Sounds good."
That reminds me, my friends mentioned we still have one Civ IV game to finish.

I've learned that it's a terrible, terrible idea to invade Scandinavia.

And mexico, funnily enough.

Fuck me, the entire American and African campaigns took longer than breaching those two areas. Fucking jungles.