Snark like motherfucker!

>>13879836
>I would have slept better if you hadn't come over and kicked me, my dear.

A tightening around Berna's eyes is the only warning our naive hero has before he feels a blow across his shoulders. Turning around gingerly, our hero sees that one of the other women has positioned herself behind him wielding a length of firewood.

Berna clears her throat before proceeding, the measured tone of her words failing to conceal the hidden menace.

"Now now, guv, no need ta be gettin' uppity. Ye'll not be 'armed, if'n you behave. We'll be treatin' ya like a dog till ye decide ta stop bein' so grabby, an' like a dog, we'll beat ya if ain't heard."

Berna's face loosens, her voice taking on a simpering tone.

"Now, let's try this again; didja sleep well, guv?"

>PICK ONE
>Snark
>Nice

>>13879991
SNARK

>>13879991
Snark like we're getting payed for it!

>>13879991
...Nice?

>>13879991
To snark is to fulfill our purpose in life. What is mere safety compared to that?

>>13880025
If she's going to be a bitch, we certainly are not bowing out.

We haven't actually grabbed anybody yet, though. What's she talking about?

>>13879991
>We'll be treatin' ya like a dog till ye decide ta stop bein' so grabby
The fuck is wrong with this bitch, anyway? All we've done is make smartass comments. We have done nothing to harm her or hers, and while we've certainly said a lot of suggestive things we haven't been "grabby" in the least.

I suspect that she just likes the feeling of power from beating people who aren't going to fight back.

>>13880117
>I suspect that she just likes the feeling of power from beating people who aren't going to fight back.

We should say this to her. It won't make her happy, it might even piss her off insanely but we should still say it to her.

>this thread
LURKAN
SNARKAN
CRACKAN THE FUCK UP

>>13879991
>The ground was hard, my blanket had lice, and the room service left much to be desired; other than that, its not the worst I've had the displeasure to experience.

Rather than growing taut with anger, Berna's face blooms with a toothy grin.

"I was hopin' ye'd say summat."

Another sharp blow strikes across the Bard's exposed shoulders, catching the tender cut left by Berna's dagger last night. Gritting his teeth, our hero stares down at the ground.

>Well... That could have gone better.

I dare say she took that jibe concerning the room service personally, sir Bard.

>Stuff it, you pompous ass.

As you wish, sir Bard.

The Bard stiffens as he feels Berna's hand lift his face up, though he does not resist as the leader of the brigands turns our hero's face towards hers.

"Ye'll learn eventually; if'n you don't, well, you ain't the firs' we've killed, an' I doubt ye'll be the last."

Lightly slapping the Bard's face, Berna stands straight before calling out.

"Molly!"

The waifish brigand stands up from her task across the camp, surprised. A bloody knife and a rabbit carcass are held in her hands.

"Ye, Berna?"

"Get this idjit's bonds loosened an' get 'im some clothes. We're goin' huntin' today."

Nodding, Molly puts her knife and rabbit down before circling around the campfire. Wiping her hands on the leg of her breeches, she spares no time in getting to work on his ropes.

>Would that she would work on untangling my other knot, if you catch my drift.

One would think you have more pressing issues at hand, sir Bard, than satisfying your libido.

>Who said they're mutually exclusive?

>What do?

Stealthily grab the knife, sheath it, and hide it up our ass as soon as possible. For later use.

>>13880222
this is a smart idea

>>13880222
That sounds like a plan which will end exceptionally poorly.

>>13880198
We should be cheerful and make efforts to relentlessly charm everyone except Berna and the flunky that she had beating us. Learn all their names.

>>13880198
fuck yes hunting! go with it. free clothes, free weapon and a romp in the woods. great excuse to escape.

>>13880253
second, until we go hunting.

Hit on Molly, attempt to convince her to sneak off with you while hunting.

>>13880338
Moving too fast. She has a long history of loyalty to Berna, asking her to betray her when we've known her for all of a day and have nothing but a charming manner going for us won't go over well.

>>13880253
>So, what are we hunting today? Grouse? Squirrels? Rabbits? I can work wonders with a bow and arrow.

Molly stares uncomprehendingly at our hero before giggling.

"We ain't goin' fer FOOD, dummy; we's goin' huntin'!"

>Forgive me for being dense, but doesn't hunting usually mean killing animals for food?

Molly shakes her head distractedly as she continues untying our hero's bonds.

"Nup. We kin catch all we want inna woods," she says, motioning across the campfire, "an' there ain't no birdie or beastie can get past Loretta over yon' "

Turning to face where Molly pointed, our hero sees that Loretta is the well-endowed woman who beat him with a length of firewood. Seeing our hero looking in her direction, the woman makes a crude gesture towards the Bard before going back to assembling her gear.

>So... If we aren't hunting for food, what ARE we hunting?

Brightly, Molly answers.

"We're huntin' travellers on th'road, dummy! 'member tha's why Berna letcha live? Yer gonna be our bait!"

Having said that, Molly turns around to rummage through a small pile of clothes, looking for apparel that might fit our hero.

>What do?

>>13880389

Not asking her to betray Berna, just for a quick fuck in the woods. We definitely shouldn't try to escape, at least not yet. I want to see what we can do with the brigands.

Refuse clothing, continue nakedness. Justify it to them by saying that it'll make you a better distraction.

>>13880461
Goddamit, Molly, stop acting so damn cheerful when you're talking about stealing from people and using us.

>>13880461
Look through the clothes with her and make humorous comments as we do so. Try to make the lady laugh; they love that.

>>13880515
I figured out who Molly is.

>>13880461
I notice a slight flaw in the plan...
would not a beautiful woman make a better bait?
people have a tendency to react irrational around beautiful women in distress...

Perhaps I could supply the dramatic music

>>13880512
second. it is a bardic class feature that nudity grants plus six to diplomacy. but do accept a bag or satchel. also note on the dangers of being a distraction and request a weapon if even a small one.

>>13880534
...Oh fuck, it all fits.

Molly = Kaylee
Bard = ?
Berna = Mal
Loretta = Zoe
Brigand 4 = ?
Brigand 5 = ?

>>13880567
>Loretta = Zoe

More like Jayne. Rude, crude, and a crack shot.

>>13880567
bard = river
Cloudcuckoolander and all that
or possibly Simon since she's our waifu...

>>13880512
As Molly continues rummaging through the clothes, our hero stands and begins stretching, his back and sides a map of fresh bruises and cuts.

Turning around without looking, Molly receives an unexpected surprise when she is nearly knocked in the head by the Bard's sheathed blade.

Her face flushed, Molly stammers out some suggestions.

"Th-ther-there's s-some.. Um... Ah... Pan- yus, PANTS in th'pile thar; y-y'just need ta g-go through... it..."

>Ah, but why conceal myself when I'm enjoying the breeze! It feels good to be able to air myself out!

Molly looks panicky, her eyes practically rolling as she looks around. Suddenly her gaze falls upon Berna and she calls out with almost tangible relief.

"Berna, 'e doan wanna put on th'clothes!"

Looking pensive, the leader of the brigands stares at our hero, her gaze traveling up and down his body. Standing tall, our hero cannot help but notice that her gaze lingers over his lower half, though eventually she looks the bard directly in the eyes.

"Leave 'im nekkid, luv. He'll make a sorrier sight if'n 'e ain't got nufink on."

Smiling sweetly, Berna continues on.

" 'Asides, seems fittin', doan it? We foun' 'im rollin' aroun' in th'mud anywho; seems right fer 'im ta work tha same way."

Still flushed, Molly mutters about having to go finish dressing her rabbit before escaping around the fire, leaving the Bard to his thoughts as the rest of the camp continues about its business.

I do believe you gave that poor lass a fright, sir Bard.

>What? That was nothing but my charm, you git; just you wait, she'll be in my arms before the day is out.

If you say so, sir Bard.
>What do?

>>13880716
dig through their stash, see if they have some sort of instrument to play around with
we feel naked without it

in the bad way

>>13880716
Follow Molly around. Remain standing, or sometimes bent over. Ask her questions about what she's doing. We sure don't know much about wilderness survival after all. And we need a good teacher.

>>13880748
Music is pretty fun. Presumably they have whatever we were carrying when they stole all our shit, if nothing else.

>>13880716

Be helpful. A little theft never hurt anybody.

Except the people being robbed that is, I guess.

Proceed to the hunt! Snarking all the while.
Should probably also grab a stick at some point to use as a impromptu weapon/bardic pimp-cane as needed.

>Turning around without looking, Molly receives an unexpected surprise when she is nearly knocked in the head by the Bard's sheathed blade.

Pic related

Also, we need drawfags to draw up the Bard and the rest of the gang

>>13880716
Am I the only one who realizes we just got away with NOT obeying Berna's orders (or at least haven't gotten a beating/verbal castration out of it)?

That and that significant look to our privates is only cementing my belief that she is viciously yandere for bard cock.

combination. find instrument; play for molly. preferably an instrument we can hit people with.

>>13880846
I'm thinkin' fiddle or lute...

>>13880832
The only way this quest can end is with a bard centric reverse gang bang.

>>13880846
No, preferably an instrument we can play Gilbert and Sullivan with.

>>13880832

Holy shit you're right. We might have a shot at a brigand harem after all. We've definitely made progress towards that with Molly, we should try to get to know the others and start hitting on Berna more.

A music maker and a pimp stick if we can find one. If Berna gets angery about the stick fake a dizy spell and snark about hitting people in the head having side effects.

>>13880748
Looking around the camp, the Bard spots a tooled leather pack that looks suspiciously like the one which he had before his current predicament. Walking over briskly, our hero discovers that it IS, in fact, his pack; opening the top, he is disheartened to find most of his possessions have been looted.

However, one item catches our hero's eyes: His trusty Mandolin!

>Excellent! Now I shall serenade these vixens with son-

The Bard's jubilant tirade is interrupted by a swift smack; seconds later, the Bard jumps forward as he feels someone grasping his ass in a most provocative manner.

Scandalized and momentarily flustered, our hero turns around skittishly, clutching onto his Mandolin for dear life. Upon turning, our hero finds that another one of the Brigands has materialized behind him. Examining the dirt beneath her nails, the Brigand smiles lasciviously at our hero.

"So... Wotcher doin' thar, luv?"

>Pick One
>Snark
>Nice

SERIOUSLY GUYS NICE THIS TIME. I KNOW ITS WRONG BUT DO IT FOR THE MANDOLIN.

>>13880968
Great. One of them wants to rape us, two of them hate us, and the other one is terrified of our cock.

...This is going to be the best harem comedy EVER.

>>13880968
>Snark
and
>Flirt

nice this is our chance :)

>>13880968
Nice.
Make up an ode to the beauty of her eyes on the spot.

>>13880968
SNARK FOR THE SNARK GOD

>>13880968
leer back and be nice, if berna is out of hearing distance play a quick tune and sing a crude rhyme about how awsome her(the lady brigand were talking to not berna) tits are.

Snark!

>>13880968
Nice. And by nice I mean attempt to convince her to have sex with us.

Abuse calls for relentless snarking, but rough sex is okay.

>>13881024
I take this back
>>13881019
Go with this instead.

>>13880968
DANGER, BARD ROBINSON, DANGER

They see me rollin', they lustin', hopin' gonna catch me nice and flirty

Nice, and for gods sake don't touch her.

Remember what Berna said about being grabby?

>>13881081
In our defense, WE were groped first.

I want you to know, Narrator, that I am hearing all this in the voice of Tony Jay.

And now I'm sad because he's dead. :(

>>13881138
I was imagining Paul Bettany for the narrator.

>>13881167
Tony Jay is the narrator of the Bard's Tale computer game.

>>13881167
Leonard Nemoy here, got some civ on the brain atm.

>>13881192
Stephen Fry
Oxford english sounds dreamy. . .

>>13880991
>Well... You see, I was just looking around for my instrument; now that I've found it, I'll be... going... ba... ck...

The Bard's words trail off as he notices the Brigand's expression has turned businesslike.

"Firs' off, luv, ain't yer 'strument no more. I laid clem to it when we was splittin' yer stuff, 'long with that nice pack o' yorn."

Looking the Bard up and down, our hero feels a strange sensation overcome him.

>...Why's she looking at me like I'm a choice cut of meat?

I do believe she means to fornicate with you, sir Bard.

>B-but I hardly know her!

That's never stopped you now, has it?

>That's different!

It would appear the tables have turned on you, sir Bard.

Unaware of our distraught hero's internal monologue, the Brigand continues speaking, her eyes continuing to rove across the hapless Bard's naked form.

"Second... I might letcha kep that nice 'strument, if'n ya play me a nice little tune. Might e'vn get more outta it, if'n I like it..."

>>13881184
Just saying that I'm feeling the herald at the moment.

>>13881211
'Twould seem in our best interest to play along.

>>13881211
Do not be flustered, fool bard! Seize the initiative! Only by being confident and acting in control (even if you're ridiculously not) can you achieve success here!

Never let them see you flinch. If she implies that she wants songs and sex, then be aware that she COULD force them out of you- your only option is therefore to throw them at her as boldly as possible and make her accept them on your own terms.

>>13881211
I do belive I ninjaed you good sir
>>13881019

>>13881211
>Oh, and What do? Lyrics will be taken as answers; feel free to vote amongst yourselves for the ones you like. I'll give you 10-15 minutes.

>Pic related; its the Brigand.

Ohhhhhh, with breasts the size of melons, and certainly as sweet, I'd love nothing more, than to suckle on her teet

Snark and play a lusty ballad! Our moment of niceness has made us seem like some sort of innocent virgin, the snark god weeps for we have forsaken him!

>>13881252
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INsmKseySXk

THISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHIS

>>13881211
>embarassed of political, leveraging sex.
ball is in your court now bard. she literally asked for a musician and a charmer. what is a bard if not both, boldly and proudly as the sun? GO FORTH WITH CONFIDENCE

>>13881291
>Lyric form. Step up to the plate, boyo, and localize it.

>>13881211
snark

No one can "lay claim" to either of my instruments, though you're welcome to "borrow" either if you'd like.

>>13881252
oh shit. OH SHIT. DAMNABLE LOGICAL RIGHT BRAIN. CREATE, FOR THE LOVE OF MUSIC AND FREE LOVE, CREATE!

snark+nice=crude?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBbdzvKMJSc
more inspiration

Lusty ballad obviously about the two of you, suggest another girl in the song - try for threesome. Perhaps inquire if she'd be interested in participating in a duet at some point during the ballad while gesturing at your nether regions - try for blowjob/handy while playing.

>giving you five more minutes before I write it up. Gonna refill my drink and take a bathroom break.

Start playing the song that summons the rat, barring that we don't have the Thunder Spider.

Maybe, after showing the fetching banditoess of our musical and lyrical talent, fake a spike of pain shooting through your arm, aiming to play off of hr sympathy for you at her leaders constant beatings.

I've tried it once or twice
And I found it rather nice
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

Roll me over in the clover
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

Now this is number one and I'm buttering up her bun
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

Now this is number two
Down in front, I'm coming through
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

Now this is number three
Fancy friggin', fast and free
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

Now this is number four
Cut the notch, I'm keepin' score
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

Now this is number five
That's enough, I'm barely alive,
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again.

The Minstrel Boy to the war is gone

In the ranks of death you will find him

His father's sword he hath girded on

And his wild harp slung behind him

Land of Song! said the warrior bard

Tho' all the world betrays thee

One sword, at least, thy rights shall guard

One faithful harp shall praise thee!

The Minstrel fell! But the foeman's chain

Could not bring that proud soul under

The harp he lov'd ne'er spoke again

For he tore its chords asunder

And said "No chains shall sully thee

Thou soul of love and brav'ry!

Thy songs were made for the pure and free,

They shall never sound in slavery!

>>13881460
>This is what I'll be going with if you lot don't pick one; yea or nay?

>>13881327
unsure of what you mean by "localize" as it's pretty damn generic.

so I'll instead make shit up.

i want credit for this if it becomes famous

Ode to the forest brigandess

Once i traveled a forest
on a dark and stormy night
stripped out of my clothes to enjoy some muddy delight
from whence they came i do not know
but from the darkness a feminine voice cried "hullo"

5 beauteous brigands to lighten my load
of all the goods i had in my bag to tow
as i responded to their leader with humorous sass
the remaining lovelies laughed at my ass
but soon overcome by their skill at arms
i found myself bound by most wonderful charms

once i awoke to my great delight
i found myself in their camp warmed by bright firelight
and now to my honour i seem to have found
myself in the presence of a beauty profound
with a gleam in her eye and my arse in her hand
i have found heaven in the camp of a brigand

... should scan properly

>>13881467
>>13881464
>>13881460
>Commence voting, gents.

>>13881480
>with a gleam in her eye and my arse in her hand
awesome

>>13881480
>>13881464
>>13881460
>Err... Vote on these three, I guess, since the other has disappeared.

>>13881480
this has my vote

>>13881480
My vote is for this

>>13881480
This wins for mos appropriate.

>>13881499
>>13881505
What can i say? i have a poets soul.

>>13881480
This
>>13881460
And then this, in one continuous piece.

>>13881480
votan

>>13881480
Looks like we have a winner

>>13881480
yes

>>13881523
THIS

>>13881469

I like it.
Narrator is a bro, was afraid our being uncreative and unable to come up with a song ourselves was going to cause the bard to fail as well.

>>13881523
yes. yesyes

>>13881480

THISSSSS.

>>13881523
YES YES YES YES YES

First we say how we got here, then what we're going to do.

>>13881523
That.

>>13881523

This. Including the duet suggestion from before, found here.
>>13881409

>>13881480
Throughout our hero's ballad, the Brigand continues smiling; by the end, she is struggling to contain her laughter.

Having finished, the Bard stands proud, a jaunty smile on his face and his trusty mandolin at his side. His smile does not dim as the brigand walks up to him, still holding her sides; however, it does register surprise when she walks right past him and heads for the pack on the ground.

>Has my ballad not stirred you, my lady love?

Turning back to look at him, the Brigand tries to maintain a straight face before bursting out laughing.

"Och, aye, 'twas a right jolly tune. But Berna said she'd tan the hide o' anyone she caught foolin' aroun' wit ya, an' I ain't so hurtin' fer a 'roll inna clover' that I want that hangin' o'vr ma 'ead."

Jerking her thumb back at the campsite, the Brigand continues speaking.

" 'Asides, Molly'd ne'er fergive me if'n I took 'er meat. She's tha one wot 'vinced Berna to bring ye back 'ere."

Looking at the Bard's form wistfully, the Brigand casts a long glance at the Bard's instrument before looking him in the face.

"Keep the 'sturment. Might be o' use on tha hunt. An' I like the look o' ye wiv it."

>Thank you... I suppose.

(cont.)

>>13881742
Sourly, the Bard begins walking back towards the other side of the campfire when he feels a pinch on his backside. Turning back, the Bard notices that the Brigand has brought her a bandolier for the Mandolin, along with a cut of last night's pheasant and a mug of water.

"Best be keepin' up yor strength, luv. Today's gonna be right busy."

Grinning at the sight of the Bard attempting to hold all of the items with which he had become burdened, the Brigand began walking back towards the other side of the campsite, swaying her hips. Almost offhandedly, she looked back over her shoulder at her hero and spoke again.

"By th'way, m'names Tess."

Having said that, Tess continued on her way, once again leaving our hero standing next to his place at the campfire.

>What do?>>13881742

>But Berna said she'd tan the hide o' anyone she caught foolin' aroun' wit ya, an' I ain't so hurtin' fer a 'roll inna clover' that I want that hangin' o'vr ma 'ead."

FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUU BERNAAAAAAAA

>>13881752
Go find Molly and stand around in front of her. Naked of course. Act like we're interested in learning about what she's doing, but constantly stay right in front of her. As in right in front of her face.

There's still one more brigand we haven't met yet, find her, proceed to snark.

>>13881752
eat, drink and get in some practice/tuning on the instrument gotta keep in practice if you're gonna bard it up

>>13881769
also, entertain ourselves by lyrically narrating whatever she's doing

>>13881780
As well as dancing/gyrating along with the tune.

>>13881752
Man, Berna really is terrible. Ah, well. Nothing to be done about that at the moment.

Eat delicious food. Drink delicious water. Tune our mandolin and take careful care of it. Then wander around and be funny and charming to everyone that isn't a total bitch.

>>13881752
SUCCESS!
MANDOLIN GET
JOURNAL UPDATED: MOLLY
Choke that shit down, save the mug on the mando-lier and go talk to molly.

>>13881792
>>13881780
This is just going to come off as annoying, and Molly has shown that she's willing to go running to Berna if we make her uncomfortable or nervous. Therefore, we should not.

What's the current tally of the Brigands?

I've got these so far:

Berna = Manhater/Yandere
Loretta = ?, probably manhater like Berna
Molly = Afraid of our cock, though probably just shy
Tess = Doesn't yearn for cock but wouldn't mind it
Brigand 5 = ?

>>13881780
If this make sure to make flirty complements about her all the while but I'd still rather we met the fifth brigand.

>>13881808
Molly's probably getting more than she bargained for, what with us making overt advances towards her. She probably didn't expect us to be this forward when she stopped Berna from gutting us.

>>13881808
true, she seems to be easily flustered...
let's be more funny and cute than flirty and suggestive.

continue to be naked but sit on a nearby stump crosslegged while singing/playing

song should be overly poetic and not at all perverted

>>13881841
>>13881860
Yeah. We need to remember that we're trying to charm all the ladies, and different people get charmed by different things. Molly will require a softer touch than Tess.

>>13881881
Except for Berna, who will probably only be content when we're in the dirt begging to be put in a Dom/Sub relationship.

>>13881881
Sorry, but I'm not going to be too helpful right now.

A little hung up on bawdy poetry.

Someone else will need to do the next one.

right, I'm reinstalling The Bard's Tale. That fucking narrator was the best thing ever

>>13881942
Do me a favor and play the REAL game instead.

Our hero sits down on his blanket, crossing his legs as slowly eats his breakfast.

>Berna, Loretta, Tess, and Molly... That leaves one beauteous rose unmet.

Would that I had such luck.

>What? The prospect of meeting another pretty woman?

I was speaking of the fact that she has not yet spoken to you, sir Bard.

As our hero finished his meal, he brought out his Mandolin and began inspecting its surface and tuning its chords.

Satisfied with its usefulness, the Bard felt a familiar rumble begin in his stomach. It would seem the call of nature had sounded; from the sound of it, it seemed to be quite insistent.

>Brilliant observation, idiot.

No need to be rude, sir Bard.

>What do?

>>13881970
Is it as funny?

>>13881979
See if we can make our way near Berna's bedroll to bury it around there? In a very shallow hole.

This is a Stealth mission gentlemen.

>>13881979
Mentally review what happened last time we went through this. Cunningly arrive at a solution that will avoid Berna kicking us more. Probably involving locating their latrine.

>>13881979
um.... go poop? in a clearing away from any plot device bushes, obviously. bushes are just magnets for plot devices.

>>13881987
If you can appreciate a 1980s dungeon crawler full of puns, yes, it is. It's a fair bit older, and longer, especially if you take into account that it's a trilogy. Never forget that you need a bard to have background music.

>>13881979
Oh fuck... Find Berna, tell her we need to shit. Don't want a repeat of what happened last time, what with the cutting and having to bury our shit by hand.

>>13882021
She got pissed last time because we wandered off on our own. Just avoid doing that and we should be fine. Since we can't talk to Berna without snarking, it's a fair bet that any conversation with her will involve beating/cutting.

There's a latrine, we should use it. We want to eventually seduce Berna, not seriously piss her off by shitting where she sleeps.
After relieving ourselves we should either find brigand 5 or go talk to Molly.

>>13882031
Hmm... Solution!

Find 5th Brigand, ask her to take us to the Latrine.

>>13882045
That seems an exceedingly awkward way to open a relationship.

>>13881979
find latrine
preferably on our own, ask nearest lass if that fails

>>13882067

Maybe we should go to Berna about it, assuming we can keep the snark to a still existent minimum she might appreciate that we respected her authority and warm up to us a bit.

>>13882067
I do belive our relationship started with us being hit with a piece of fire wood.

>>13882016
>1980s dungeon crawler full of puns

As a gamer who grew up with games like pic related, I shall be HONOURED to play the entire trilogy. In fact I'm honestly amazed I missed the fucking thing to begin with.

you are a gentleman and a scholar. I will purchase you 200gp worth of beer.

>>13882106
There is a delicate line between respecting her authority and showing that she can get us to do what she wants by cutting on us. We must never, ever cross it.

>>13882045
second. avoid bushes, also

>>13882112
no, that was loretta, the third one we were introduced to

tess is the fourth

and we have yet to meet #5 which is who some people are advocating we ask where the latrine is

>>13882112
That was Loretta, who seems to be Berna's flunky. We haven't met Brigand #5 yet.

>>13882112

Nah, it was Loretta who hit us with the firewood. But we haven't really talked to her either.

ANYONE HERE STILL?

>>13882284
here. waiting for poop.

>>13882284
no

I am, hoping Narrator's just having trouble writing this part as there wasn't really a definitive answer given.
It's getting close to midnight though and I think that last time that was implied as about the time it would end so idk.

>>13882348
third chapter starts with doody?
yeah, sounds fine, actually.

>>13882010
Looking around, our hero mentally counts the number of Brigands he can see while his stomach continues its insistent rumbling.

>Berna... Loretta... Molly... Tess... Dammit, no fifth lass in sight.

How fortunate. For her, that is.

>You're not really helping, you know that?

Why would you want my help, sir Bard? You seem to have the situation well in hand.

Swearing under his breath, the Bard stalks off, heading towards the other side of the camp to ask Molly where the Latrine is. While on his way, the Bard begins whistling a jaunty tune, catching Molly's attention before he shows up.

Seemingly recovered from her earlier flush, the brigand's eyes nevertheless stay glued to the top half of our hero's body, never wandering down further than his chest.

"Anyfink I kin help ya with?"

>It seems last night's supper has decided it wishes to see the outside world again; mind showing me where the latrine is?

Still smiling levelly, Molly nods, pointing off towards the bushes towards the side of the camp.

"They're out over yon; jus' look fer a clearin' nex'ta little crik."

>See... Here's the thing. Berna's made it clear I'm not supposed to go alone. Care to come along with me?

Confused for a few seconds, comprehension dawns on the brigand's face as she involuntarily looks down at our Bard's instrument and once again blushes furiously.

Mutely, Molly nods, then begins heading towards the bushes, mumbling under her breath.

>Well, at least she isn't running to Berna now...

I daresay the lass took pity on the woman; she's had to deal with YOU quite a few times now, sir Bard.

(Cont.)

>>13882402
As Molly and our hero neared the latrine, a quiet voice began filtering through the woods, along with the sounds of a river. Coming out of the bushes, the Bard and his escort were greeted by the sight of a small, rock-filled quarry. Flowing into the quarry was a small river; seemingly oblivious to her observers, the fifth brigand sat on her haunches, blissfully unaware as she continued washing what looked like a shirt in the water.

>...Huh.

Molly rushed over to the other brigand, relief tangible on her face.

" 'M glad yer here, Cat! Y'mind wotchin' 'im while 'e does 'is business?"

Looking up, the Brigand spares the Bard a moment's glance before turning back to her washing.

"Sure thing, Molls. Go back t'camp, if y'want."

Having said that, the woman began humming again; relieved, Molly spared our hero a passing smile as she went back to camp and left the Bard alone with his new guardian.

>What do?

>>13882348
>Last time I was tired; I've got another hour in me if you guys want to keep going, or I can stop here and we can start next time with meeting the new girl.

>>13882422
Nod your head in greeting, do your business have a little wash up downstream of where she seems to be doing her laundry then and only then begin talking with her.

>>13882422
Not sure, is it better form to poop first then flirt, flirt first then poop, or poop and flirt simultaneously?

>>13882422
shit, obviously.

>is it better form to poop first then flirt, flirt first then poop, or poop and flirt simultaneously?

Truly a great philosophical debate.

>>13882478
TContact oxford? hey'd probably know.

>>13882492
*Contact They'd

Go to the bathroom, then go and flirt.

>>13882449
This. Also snark.

>>13882538
'Zat my old shirt you're washing? Dare say a lady looks better wearing my clothes then myself"

It's true anyway.

>>13882449
Nonchalantly, our hero begins looking for the latrine pit when he spots a hole near the edge of the quarry. Going over towards it, the Bard notices a bucket of what smells like quicklime; it would seem he had found the latrine.

Relieving himself, the Bard sighed with relief as his bowels found release; when he was finished, he tipped the bucket over into the hole, covering his contribution with lime to prevent it from creating a stench.

Moving back towards the river, our hero saw that the fifth brigand had washed more than just a single shirt; it seemed as though she was doing a large portion of her fellows' laundry. Although there was a small number of hanging clothes in the trees nearby, a medium-sized stack of clothing still remained.

Shockingly enough, our hero moved downstream, not wishing to distu-

>Hey, I resent that!

I'm sure you do, sir Bard, but please, keep such outbursts to a minimum.

As I was saying, our hero moved downstream a ways, though still within view of the washing brigand. Bathing himself and washing off the dust of the road, the Bard almost felt human as he clambered out of the river. Unfortunately, to his chagrin the Bard noticed that a breeze had sprung up, chilling him greatly.

>What do?

>>13882614
Shake himself off and then offer to help the young lady with the washing.

>>13882614
Ask her if she's got a towel, flirt.

We're well endowed enough to not be rendered embarrassed by a little shrinkage.

Talk to Cat. Depending on how she treats you snark or offer to help her with washing the clothes, either way flirt with her.

If there is a quarry should not there be some loot filled buildings nearby?

>>13882715
mabey, quarrys tended to be near whatever was being built with the stone

>>13882641
>Brrr... Nine hells, why'd this blasted wind have to crop up?

Having said that, our hero moved towards the fifth brigand, rubbing his arms to drive warmth into his extremities. Stopping before her, the Bard cleared his throat.

>Excuse me, miss... I couldn't help but notice you're washing clothes. Might I bother you for something warm?

Looking up at the Bard blankly, the Brigand mutely pointed at a pair of pants and a shirt hanging on a nearby bush.

(Cont.)

>>13882874
>(huh... Thought it was longer, hence the split. No matter.)

Having dressed himself (though the pants were too large and the shirt too small), our hero once again approached the brigand, this time his mind on other things.

>So... What's your nam-

The Bard's attempt at flirtation was cut short by the brigand's raised hand.

"Firs' of all, m'names Catelyn, not Cat; leastways not till yer deeper wiv us. Secon', I ain't interested in wotcher got 'tween yer legs. I saw ye and heard ye pluckin' yer strings wiv Tess, an' I'm tellin' ye right now I ain't want that."

Smiling pleasantly, Catelyn looks up at the Bard.

"Yer on'y part o' the group 'slong as yer useful. Doan coun' on Molls bein' able ter save yer arse agin; Berna all but chewered 'er 'ead off ov'r keepin' ya. Poor lass stood firm though."

The brigand's smile faded as her voice took on a stern tone.

"If'n y'hurt Molls, ye doan haf ta worry abou' Berna; it'll be MY blade 'twixt yer legs ye'll have to be thinkin' abou'."

Suddenly, Catelyn began smiling again, going back to her washing and humming. Our hero, thick-headed though he may be, got the distinct impression he had been dismissed.

Thinking over what had just transpired, the Bard wandered back to camp, again ending up back at his blanket.

>And that'll be it for the night, ladies and gents. General talk-back for half an hour now, as per the usual.

>>13882894
And that'll round off our Brigands.

Tally so far:

Berna = Bitchy Dom/Manhater
Loretta = ?
Tess = Wouldn't mind bard cock, won't lust for it
Molly = Might want bard cock, is terrified of it
Catelyn = Business-Brigand, mother hen to Molly.

>>13882894
>>13882928
Together, they commit crime?

Any idea when you're doing the next session?
I love this.

>>13882928
It's just like a harem anime! xD

>>13883000
I've got a set timeslot; every Saturday from 20:00 to 00:00 (with the possibility of going further, depending on how I'm feeling)

>>13883007
Except our bard is more hated/felt ambivalent towards than most protagonists. Plus, its only the second quest.

>>13882284
Gotta say, I'm loving this quest. Haven't participated, but lurked this week and last week, and it's been quite entertaining. The narrator/Bard banter in particular is always fun.

Keep it up, Mr. Narrator!

>>13883082
I'm contemplating taking snippets from discussion between story posts as Bardic thoughts, with myself as the Narrator responding to them. Thoughts?

>>13883125
i like it, keeps things going, and lets us know you haven't disappeared.

>>13883082
I found it just as it was ending last week. You should try participating next time, it's fun as hell.

>>13883203
I mostly just feel like I don't have much of anything terribly creative to contribute. Everyone else is doing a pretty good job of it.

If I do come up with something good though, rest assured I will chime in.