Professional stuntman

>>14224031
/thread

This quest needs wheels. What fun is being unable to die if we don't have a bitchin' car? Ergo, parlay our inability to die into the most badass car imaginable, whatever the cost.

>>14224031

You have no idea how to break into that line of work.
(Speaking of which, you WILL need a job after the gas-line at the Taco-Bell exploded.)

Arrange to meet Kim Jung Il in person. Fallback; Putin.

>>14224053

>you WILL need a job

Why? I can't die, right? I don't really need anything. I can take whatever I want, damn the consequences.
I go on a raep-spree.

>>14224084

You leave the smoking hospital behind as the firefighters close in. You wander into the dark allys of the city to attempt to find prey for your rape-spree.
A young blonde girl, no older than 20, is wandering around in a dark alley.

Slowly go insane, get addicted to drugs, go more insane, induce myself into a kind of coma and be put into one of those coma machines like in Highlander 4

>>14224122
Raep! Then go rob a bank.

COWER behind a dumpster, and observe her carefully.

Pretty blonde 20-somethings generally don't wander in dark alleys unless they're capable of fucking up your shit.

Buffy?

>>14224154
But immortal. So no can die.

>>14224122
lecture her on her stupidness, and tell her that she could be raped wandering around at such a time in such a place
before she can react, pounce on her, slam her to the ground and start pounding your fists into her head until its all but gristle

>>14224144
then we go rape another chick, right?

>>14224169

This.

>>14224169
>>14224177
rape her corpse afterwards

>>14224176
No, go assassinate the entire senate using only a small duck.

I know OP is writing as fast as he can, but now I can't wait to see the next post. Either HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES ensue, or we get to read a rape scene.

*ziiiiiip*

>>14224188

And my sincere hope is that the blonde girl rapes the protagonist.

Buy the blonde girl a nice present, walk her home and a wish her a good night.

>>14224144

You sneak up on her from behind. She turns around and looks at you unimpressed.
"You here for the goods?"
While you think about how to proceed, a black man with his pants riding so low he might not have legs comes into view. "YO! What da fuck is this? There ain't supposed ta be two a you!"
The girl is confused and attempts to explain (in very foul language) that she thought you were the courier or something. The man argues back by taking out a gun, holding it sideways, and shooting her in the stomach.
Before she keels over, she takes out a handgun of her own, and shoots him in the neck.
The man drops a roll of 100 dollar bills and the woman drops multiple baggies filled with coke.

Well...
FUCK!

>>14224199
Or the alley rapes and murders both of them and than kills the senate with their corpses.

>>14224228
rape her in the bullet wound, then take the money

>>14224228

She's gutshot. Means she's still alive, and will be for a while. RAEP TIME!

>>14224228
Pick up the coke and cash. Then go rob a bank after taking ALL of the coke.

>>14224228

SUCCESS

TWO DRUG DEALERS DEAD, MONEY == OUR POCKETS.

Race home, get passport. Pocket cash, buy ticket to Moldova. Once there, we find those sick slimy fucks who traffic women, and we... just hang out with them. A lot. And let nature take its course.

>>14224231

HAHAHAHAHHAA

>>14224244
>>14224249

15 minutes passes.
You feel very dirty, yet satisfied.

>>14224249

shove the money in her mouth while doing it, to silence her agonized screams. What do I need with a wad of hundreds? I can go get more.

>>14224266

She was a drug dealer, not a PERSON. Then it would've been WRONG!

>>14224250

You put enough coke into your system to kill ten men. The next few posts might be wierd.

>>14224266
dirty? more like satisfied.

alright, let's rob that bank!

Take ALL of the coke at once. Then o rob a bank.

>>14224256

Your home was destroyed after the last tornado. All you've got on you is your wallet.
And that wallet is full of 100 dollar bills, now.

>>14224288
>>14224294

You wander off, but remember that since they transfered you to a hospital in a part of town you're not familiar with.

>>14224311

DON'T FORGET TO SUMMON THE STRENGTH OF OUR TIGER BLOOD

WE'RE HIGH. WE'RE MIGHTY.

WE'RE BI-WINNING

I'm assuming this isn't going at all like you'd hoped for, Command Squad.

>>14224337
This is 4chan. The land of low expectations.

>>14224329
>>14224311

You return from Mt. Kilimanjaro, having fufilled your duties as Tiger King, and bid the elephant, Bibbles, farewell.

To the untrained eye, it might look like you collapsed on the sidewalk for 30 minutes.

>>14224316
Find a payphone with a phone book. Cross reference the hospital with the nearest bank in the map section. Then beat a random asshole with the phone book.

>>14224337

No, this is pretty much par for the course.

>>14224370
this plan is king

after we rob the bank, let's knock over a gun store

>>14224353

>>14224084
>>14224249
>>14224270
>>14224311
>>14224337 here.

I know, but /tg/ is USUALLY (that being the operative word) a cut above this.
Whatever, I'm having fun.

>>14224370
Ride out the rest of our cocaine binge using whatever we can get our hands on.

>>14224370

You find the candy-booth, and after talking to Mr. Weazle about your Pimping operation, he point you northward on your merry quest.
Then you hit some bitch over the head with the phonebook, telling her she owes you money. She runs away, prolly to go get you your share.
You're a good pimp.

>>14224368
Walk around till you find a mexican convenience store or a shitty comic shop. Look on the front window or door for any posters promoting local and regional professional wrestling. Look for a number and write it down for future reference.

>>14224407
what the fuck, was this coke laced with some kind of super-lsd?

anyways, onwards to the bank! we need something to rob it, though, I suggest we rip a street sign out of the ground and use that.

>>14224407
Northward, motherfucker. Strutting like a pimp and singing our pimp song. Then jump through the wind shield of a moving vehicle and ride that bitch through the bank's front doors.

>>14224368

I love this post. I love this thread. I love you, bro.

>>14224406

You ride out the physical manifestation of the cocain in you to the bank. It looked like a cross between a unicorn, unicron, a dragon, with a hit of naked woman.

>>14224434

>naked woman

Whip it out. Start fucking.
Rinse, repeat (minus rinsing)

>>14224434
>uniCORN
>uniCRON
>"hit" of naked women
Not a bad quest thread.

>>14224434
Ask the guard if he has a light. When he says no, leave. Then this:
>>14224428

>>14224424

When I said it was enough to kill ten people, I goddamn meant it.

>>14224428
"Ooooooh!
Some ladies like their men to be nice.
Those lovely girl like to be treated right.
I can't be sure what all the women want.
But I know they better pay me my goddamn money.
Also that Bibbles was a sexy motherfu-"

Chorus

*Chorus involves all singers puking a little bit.

"And then we-"

Chorus

"So the weazel took my cake-"

Chorusx2

Repeat.

>>14224482
Then we'll contact the spirit dragon! Maybe he can guide us to a weapon that will help us defeat the evil Jew bankers!

>>14224482

>Also that Bibbles was a sexy motherfu-"

Fuck you, you magnificent bastard. I can't stop laughing.

>>14224482

Clearly what we need is a WISH DRAGON.

Leave bank. Rob gun store with bare hands. Then >>14224428

Bibbles: Sexy Muthafucka.

>>14224428
Hopefully when we crash into the tellers' counter, we fly through the windshield to punch a teller in the neck.

>filename

This quest is completely stupid.

And I'm loving every second of it.

You notice that you're in front of a bank with some vomit coming down from your chin. Puddles of vomit form a trail leading away from the bank.
A bird starts pecking at the puddles, then falls over, twitching.

You can't remember much fo the last hour, but you have a sudden desire to name your firstborn son something that starts with a B.

>filename again


Get a tattoo of this on your shoulders.

>This thread

>>14224540
Check our person. Did we already rob the bank? If not, fuck that shit up with a city metro bus. If so, go back in and demand security footage to commemorate the event.

>>14224540
>A bird starts pecking at the puddles, then falls over, twitching.

HAHAHAHAHA

>>14224545

You take a look at a paper lying on the sidewalk. It appears to be two days after you were released from the hospital.
Also, there is a tattoo of an elephant on your left arm. He's playing with a tiger in a pile of money.

Fancy that.

>>14224566
Playing or "playing"?

>>14224551

Aside from a change of clothes (Hawiian shirt, cargo pants, no shoes, odd underwear) and the bundle of singles sticking out of your thong, you don't seem to have anything you didn't 49 hours ago, nor parted ways with anything other than your last meal.

>>14224582

Yes.

>>14224594
Wow, we need shoes. Let's go start a fistfight with a hobo, GTA style.

>>14224594

See if we can find the closest Church of Scientology. We've got some MAD FUCKING THETANS going on, and we need to get expert help with them.

>>14224594
right then, let's rob that fuckin bank!

>>14224603
Shitty hobo shoes? No thanks. We should go and beat up someone with nice shoes.

>>14224600

>>14224611

Why not take a bank teller's shoes while we're robbing the place?

>>14224622

too busy raping her.

>>14224622
Why just the shoes? Take the suit, too... but the shirt stays. Preferably white.

>>14224603

No hobos are in sight.

>>14224609

You decide to steal some shoes while you're in the bank.
Speaking of which, you walk in. It's a medium-sized branch, with about 5 tellers working at the moment. No one else is inside.
"Sir?"
You turn towards a male teller with brown hair.
"Do you need something? You've been standing outside waiting for us to open for a while."

>>14224630
Just to clarify: male shoes (black) and suit (white). no tie, keep that hawaiian shirt.

>>14224611
>>14224609
Walk into bank, find guy with nice executive shoes.
INITIATE COMBAT
I AM THE TIGER KING! THIS ARM OF MINE GLOWS WITH AN AWESOME POWER!
STRIKE WITH THE FIST OF BIBBLES TIGER STYLE! TIGGERRRR PUUUUNCH

And just kinda take his shoes and socks. Everyone will be so shocked after that display that we can rob the bank freely. Probably. Then leave.

>>14224636
Jump on the bitch and break her face with our cock. Then shout, "FREE MUSHROOM STAMPS!"

>>14224650
You realize that OP specified it was a MALE bank teller.

>>14224663
Won't be after the back alley sex change we're going to give her before her rape.

Since we appear to have already stolen shoes do >>14224649 and steal his suit jacket. And his pens. And stationary. And anything else on his desk.

>>14224663

I'm not sure it matters to him.

>>14224663

We are SO beyond fine distinctions like that.

>>14224676
>>14224682

OH GOD

From this thread we are learning that immortality makes you lol so randumb.

I feel sorry for the teller now.

For the record, I don't think we should rape his face.

>>14224695

I'm pretty sure that was the "enough coke to kill ten men" hit we took.

>>14224695
We just need to get this out of our system. Also, we may have been a horrible person LONG before this revelation.

>>14224650
>>14224649

You combine these two ideas, asking to see the exec of the establishment. You are taken to his office.
He looks so goddamn smug sitting behind his desk.
He looks less smug after you gave him a free mushroom stamp, giggling like a schoolgirl.
"What in the-"
>My arm is the arm that will punch the man in the suit!
>Who the hell do you think I am?
>BIBBLES GIGA-TIGER UPPERCUT!

You miss, but in his hurry to flee from the deranged maniac, he trips and clocks his head on the desk, rendering him unconcious.

>>14224715
Steal his suit and jump out the window.

...I assume there is a window. Otherwise, find one.

>>14224715
Take his suit, socks and shoes. Eat three of his fingers and take ALL THE PENS.
Also his car keys. Then head out to the parking lot.

>>14224715
You call that a miss.
I call that Result As Intended.

>>14224733
Pretty sure EATING HIS FINGERS will wake him up, d00d.

>>14224733

Leave the fingers alone, but TAKE ALL OF THE PENS. Even from his pockets.

See if he's got any info that allows us to access the vaults.

My reasoning is that there's no such think as being invulnerable... we must be crazy, so let's see how far it can go.

>>14224644
>>14224730
>>14224733

You dress in a spiffy white suit, dark shoes, and Hawiian shirt. While taking you items from your cargo pants, you notice a gun. You must have grabbed it when you were tripping balls.
Regardless, you have a gun, some car keys for a BMW (oh god, he WAS a smug bastard), and a killer wardrobe.
No windows are in sight.

>>14224770

ALSO PENS! You have enough pens to write, like, stuff in places that don't have pens!

>>14224770
rob the bank before leaving

>>14224770
Strut the fuck out of there. Take the car and drive it into the nearest large body of water.

>>14224776

LEARNED COMBAT OPERENDI: UNLIMITED PEN-MAKU

>>14224786
>>14224792

These. Once we're done with that adventure, I suggest we call any family we have let. Do we have any living family members?

>>14224770
Drag his smug ass out of the office, gun pressed against his head.
"Either I get a shit load of money, or I inherit his kingdom and collect it by proxy!"

>>14224770
Go back to the bank tellers. Ask if you "leave a deposit", and other bank-like innuendos.

>>14224715
Begin believing you are Benjamin Franklin

>>14224820
Thiiiissss.

Walk out with gun in hand, pens in other hand, exeu-guy over shoulder, and say something like "I'm here to make...a withdrawl."

>>14224786
>>14224792

He has a safe in his room to hold spare cash for the tellers. You try to clean it out, but you run out of places to put money on your person.
You inventory is effectively full.
However, you do strut your ass out of there like a boss, get in a bitching ride, and drive away.

>>14224841
Go buy more cocaine. And a hideout.

...we're basically playing GTA/Saint's Row here, aren't we?

>>14224841

Park somewhere nice, with a view.

Take a deep breath as the last of the coke leaves our system.

CONTEMPLATE WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED.

>>14224841
Drive that car into a lake or something.

Or into a random house if you can't find a lake.

>>14224841
I'm okay with this.
I am, however, at a loss for what to do next... wait, wasn't there a luchador thing?

>>14224841
This must be remedied.

We should go get a duffel bag

TO THE SPORTING GOODS STORE!
(we can also get a hockey mask and a bat)

>>14224859
>as the last of the first half of the coke leaves our system
FTFY.

>>14224877
>implying we need coke

Because of the Plot Armor, our family is probably dead, as well as all our friends, co-workers, and lovers. We are torn asunder by grief and lonliness, which is why we went out to go a-raping in the first place.

WE'RE FUCKING LOSING IT, MAN

>>14224874
yes, and then walmart for a hatchet and machete

>>14224869

There was definitely a luchador thing. DEFINITELY. We're gonna need a lucha mask.

>>14224865
>>14224859

COMPROMISING IS FUN

You drive off to the lake, and park where there is a nice view.
You take a deep breath, calm yourself down, and realise that you just watched two people die, went on the biggest trip of yours or anyone else's lives, and robbed a bank-owner.
HO
LE
SHIT!

You feel more bad-ass than the Goddamn Batman.

>>14224900
FUCK YEAH WE'RE AWESOME.

Now time to become luchadores.

>>14224900

Ride the wave of our newfound Euphoria into the next state.

SEEK OUT A WAFFLE HOUSE.

>>14224874

After flipping your shit over by the lake, you drive all the way back into town to go to a sporting goods store.
While there, you buy a duffel bag...

>>14224894
...a hatchet and a machette (Shut up. It's a big store.)...

>>14224899
And a Luchadore mask made to look like a hockey mask. You also get a matching white cape that now rests around your shoulders.

>>14224900
Go to the GAS STATION

You need GASOLINE to LIVE

>>14224931

NOW we are equipped to go into a waffle house.

>>14224940
>>14224924

Let's do this

Vamos a encontrar al presidente, porque somos la lucha inmortal!

>>14224931
VIVA LA TIGRE REY!!!

On your way to the waffle house, you pass by a park with a gazebo.

What do?

>>14224931
I can't fucking WAIT for Saint's Row 3.

>>14224967

CHALLENGE IT TO M-M-MORTAL KOOOOOOMBAAAAAT

I just realised that I have skippy peanut butter, not JIF. That frustrates me.

"Welcome to Waffle House, your one stop shop for waffles!"
The greeter looks you over and shrugs.
"Can I help you with anything señor?"

>>14224957

You don't speak french.

>>14224931
Seek out a therapist and pour out your feelings about the things you've witnessed and the terrible price of immortality. Followed by rape, of course.

>>14224977
"I will take your finest table... FOR JUSTICE!"

>>14224977
>That frustrates me
What, you don't like being surprised with the best peanut butter around, instead of that jiffy other stuff?
"jiffy" is an actual word apparently, I'm gonna look that up.

Tell him we want -- waffles! Seven waffles, four loaded with maple syrup, three without.
Tell him all this in ENGLISH.

>>14224992
>>14225000

both of these. the therapist is the person at the closest table.

>real neettio

indeed, catchpa

>>14225000

He escorts you to a booth, whereupon you stand on the table, make whooshing noises, and flap your cape around.
An elderly couple clap at your display as the waitress gives you a menu.

>>14224977
shout "I NEED WAFFLES!", kick the dude in the chest, and declare this the domain of Bibbles the Elephant King.

>>14225010
I feel obligated to make the old people part of the posse.

>>14225012
>shout "I REQUIRE ADDITIONAL WAFFLES!", kick the dude in the chest, and declare this the domain of Bibbles the Elephant King.

FTFY

We're NOT high anymore, people!
Just for the record.

You ask for Waffles, while still standing on the table, seven in total. Before you can recite the rest of your demands, and kick the waitress in the chest, she inturrupts.
"What kind of waffles, sir?"
>wat
"This is the waffle house. We have every waffle you could imagine."
You open the menu and find this is more than true, though the Fish Waffles might not be in season.

>>14225070
"You are truly wondrous. Steak waffles, please."

Goddamnit, I want to sleep, but this is just so fucking WIN. Command Squad = Best Squad.

And if we or the old couple do not receive our waffles in a timely fucking manner, our food is free! So says Tigre Elephanta, the Lucha prophet of BIBBLES!

>>14225070

The buttermilk waffles. The ones that remind us of the days of our youth, when everything we loved was still alive and un-tornadoed, before the curse of Plot Armor thrust upon us a future with nothing but the grim, cold, empty satisfaction of the LUCHADOR, CHAMPION OF JUSTICE... and the GLORY OF INVINCIBILITY!

Oh, and a side of bacon, please.

>>14225087

Wait... would that be a steak shaped like a waffle? Or an actual steak-flavoured waffle? I don't know which I'd prefer, but it sounds wondrous.

>>14225070
Try to figure out how many days have gone by since we left the hospital.

You order sever waffles, four steak and three buttermilk, as well as a side of the manliest bacon you can get. As she takes the menu from you, a pair of masked men bust in, waving gun around.
"NOBODY MOVE!"
"ALL THE MONEY, NOW!"

>>14225125
>masked men

CLEARLY fellow luchadors! We must challenge them to LUCHA LIBRE!

>>14225125
headbutt
>also, who the hell robs a waffle house?

>>14225125

They interrupted our Waffle Time.

WAFFLE TIME.

THE LAST LINK BETWEEN OUR TORTURED SOUL AND THE SOLACE OF OUR PAST.

OUR PATH IS CLEAR.

>>14225125
Throw our chair at one. Leap off the table and elbow drop the other where the shoulder meets the neck.
"VIVA LA TIGRE REY!"

>>14225142
These guys.
They were planning to rob a bank, but it was on high alert today for some reason.

>>14225140

>YOU TWO!
"The fuck do you want?"
>I see you are fellow followers of the great sport of LUUUCHAAA LIIIBREEEE!
"The fu-"
>I will defeat you and take your masks!

The elderly couple cheer for you as the two robbers point guns in your direction.

>>14225173

Pick up nearby table. Holding it by the center leg, top in front of us like a shield, CHARGE.

While shouting LOGALOGALOGALOGALGOALOG

>>14225173
Mask De Smith taught me this:

HEADBUTT THE BULLETS

>>14225173
Whatever you do now. Focus on making it look very cool. You're bound to win eventually anyways, so you may as well do it with style!

>>14225173
>They were planning to rob a bank, but it was on high alert today for some reason.

This kind of shit. Makes the thread gold.

>>14225223
Well, technically we could lose, but in such a way that we'd end up uninjured and completely fine.

>>14225212

You heft the mighty t- Oh wait, it's secured to the floor.

>>14225213
Your plot armor causes all the bullets to miss wildly, though that might be the robbers having terrible aim.
You appear to be listening to something very metal, and headbanging the SHIT out of it.

>>14225235

ie. Losing our mask and with it our pride as a luchador.

>>14225173
Rush at them, steal the guns, and beat them to death with it while matrix dodging the bullets.

>>14225246
Enough of this. Close to melee and lucha them into unconsciousness.

>>14225246
Fuck it. Flying tiger kick! (Chair would have been better, but fuck that too.)

This thread really, really makes me want to play Saint's Row.

Hopefully 3 gets a non shit PC port.

You all see this?
You are the elephant, avatar of Bibbles.
Those two guys are the vehicle.

>>14225254
>>14225260

>Flying Tiger Kick of JUSTICE!
You kick the one of the left suqarely in the chest, which does nothing. He looks somewhere between 6'5" and 6'7" and likely weighs 300 or more pounds.
He looked smaller from across the room.

>>14225246
Grab cups of coffee with both hands, slinging them at the robbers as we leap towards them.
If possible, grind their faces into waffles and pour syrup over them and their guns.

>>14225288
"You are a worthy foe." Then shoot him in the face. Point the gun at the other guy. "Are you a worthy foe?"

There's a Just Cause 2 thread going on in /v/ that makes me think it's like Saint's Row, but with military stuff.

>>14225297
I am so goddamn glad that someone remembered that we were armed.

Looking up at the pair, who look perplexed for some reason, you tell the large man that he is a worthy opponent.
Then you draw your piece and pop his ass, homie.
The other one shoots at you, his gun mere inches from your face. He misses and shoots the gun out of your hands. The bullet then rebounds off of your gun into his, shooting his gun out of his hands.

You both look deeply into each other's eyes in surprise.
He actually has really pretty eyes.

>>14225327

RAPE

>>14225327
Roll for anal circumference.

>>14225348
>>14225364

It becomes apparent that this man is only about an inch shorter than the one with a hole is his skull. If rape were to happen, you would likely not be the one on top.

>>14225327

"Wanna....get a room or somethin'?"

>>14225371
IT'S A SACRIFICE I'M WILLING TO MAKE.
FOR THE QUEEN!

>>14225327
We need...those eyes...

Rip and tear?

>>14225371
LUCHADOR HIM

then rape

Give him a kick in the balls... FOR JUSTICE!

go for the optics!

>>14225406
Then go for the gun and shoot him in the dick.
Also, for JUSTICE.

>>14225380
>>14225383

You push yourself up off the floor and grab a plate off a nearby table.
>PIMP SMACH, BITCH!
As he stumbles back, plate shards sticking out of his face, you ready your punch.
>BIBBLES GIGA-TIGER UPPERCUT!
He's on his last legs. It's time for your secret move.
>UNLIMITED PEN-MAKU!!!

"OH CHRIST, they're in my eyes!"

You grab the pens in the man's sockets and pull, freeing his eyes from his skull. You pocket them stealthily.
Finally, you take both of the masks of the fallen.

>>14225430

>>14225430
"Steak waffles to go. And someone call the cops."

>>14225430
SEEK MORE MASKS

Completely forget about whatever we were doing before.

>>14225430
Quickly steal a car and drive to the nearest terrorist cell conveniently located upstairs.

>>14225430

As the room falls silent, you stand triumphant. The open doors of the waffle house let in a gust of wind that fills your cape.
The terrified waitress that would have served you looks at you. You respond, eyes on the horizon:
>Make those waffles to go.

So begins the saga of one of the greatest heroes of our time:

KING TIGRE RAY!

Thanks for playing, /tg/.

>>14225453
Also, do this while drinking a martini.

>You grab the pens in the man's sockets and pull, freeing his eyes from his skull. You pocket them stealthily.
This line. This line is the best line.


>>14225461
You are a wonderful person, Command Squad, and I wish to participate in future threads you run.

>>14225461
The origin of a superhero.

Or supervillain. We're not entirely sure.

>>14225461
>King Tiger King

...Normally I would be mad at such an abuse of language, but this is so fucking great.

This thread.
This fucking thread.
>>14225461

>Who's awesome?

>>14225490
It's like "Bond... James Bond." But substituted with a crazed asshole with plot armor.

>>14225475

I try to avoid doing quests and just stick to writefagging, but if there are any more, then you're more than welcome to join in.
Glad ya'll had fun. I sure as hell did.

>>14225511
man I love that vid, watching now

>>14224018

>ctrl+f "unbreakable"
>0 hits

I am disappointed, /tg/

>insomnia, feel like shit
>dragon age is being a bitch and keeps getting stuck, won't reinstall
>see this thread
>I AM NOW INFUSED WITH THE ENERGY TO BIBBLES GIGA-TIGER UPPERCUT THAT FUCKING INSTALLER INTO WORKING

Never change, /tg/

>>14225583
What?