>eyes straight ahead

Our drill sergeant is a dwarf. It's weird being chewed out and not even being able to see the guy.

>we go into this unused observatory in the Northwest Tower and start doing what any two adults WOULD do in the situation

Engage in a genteel, refined conversation regarding the configuration of astronomical constellations in the night sky, the nature of stars as massive astronomical bodies which fuse atoms of hydrogen and helium to create heavy elements (in fact, almost every atom in the universe that is not a hydrogen or helium atom was created inside a star) and produce heat and radiation from their plasma's internal fusion reactions, and the aberrant, Far Realm entities that may lurk within some of those stars?

I'm not sure what the idea of this thread is, so I'll go with "NPC stories from NPC perspectives." Here's one from an arbitrator in a game I ran a year back.

So I was patrolling the corridors the other day, when some chem'd up trooper stumbles into me. I get him against a wall and search him, turns out he's sporting a few 'jects of 'slaught. Guy claims he was looking for me to turn it in, and I'd've believed him if he coulda looked me in the face when he said it. I ask to see his badge, and he provides it. "Nyhmeniah Nakir: Trooper." The guy's a legit trooper for the arbites, but he won't be getting any promotions any time soon. I take his chems and remind him of his duty to the law, and he screams some nonsense about "I AM THE LAW" before giving me one in the chest with a hack shotty. My carapace pretty much invalidates that argument, and I fill half his face with a counter-argument I like to call combat shotgun. He tries to shoot me again, and clicks dry. Apparently one shot was all that little hackshot could carry. He starts fumbling with a shell, and I give him one around the head with my shock maul. Some people... I swear they think they have an emperor-given right to do whatever they like.

>>14793153

THIS IS WHY THE ELF WOMEN ARE GOING TO HUMAN MEN, LUTHANDRIEL.

>>14793199

Read the subject, bro.

>>14793059
>"...Grandma?"

Oh fuck me I laughed harder at that than I should've.

>>14793318
>Town Guard Stories

So, what, like anything any town guard could have to say? Any specific setting? Stories that happened in games? Shit we just make up on the spot?

It's not my fault OP can't be clear.

>>14793409
All of the above, should they be entertaining.

Oi, fuck me, there are adventurers in town. I finally get myself demoted to a comfy position as guard in a quiet little shithole, and some fancy wankers with +3 wands of buggering show up to rent out the Sloppy Boar Inn. Not only are they sittin' on my Cuthbert-lovin' stool at the bar, but a bloody mob of angry goblins followed after them. Sure, these wankers fucked up the goblins but quick, but there are still some green-skinned cunts 'iding out under shacks and in the sewers, goin' for our fuckin' ankles when we ain't lookin' and stealin' the 'ard boiled eggs right out of my napsack. Oi, what a load of bollocks. Cunt adventurers. I didn't stab my own superior officer in the eye to put up with this shit.

So, you know me, I'm a man who supports the idea of "live and let live". Which is a good thing here in Sharn, let me tell you. I'm not one of those hot-shot Ninth Wand guys, I'm just here to make a steady buck and keep this city safe. Which, I'll tell you, can get pretty screwy. Like last year, have I told you this story? No?! Oh man, let me tell you.

So, it's Wildnight, and I'm on the Lower Wards. I'm mainly just hoping that I make it through the night without some minotaur taking me apart to please the Devourer or some crap, when who strolls by me, easy as you please? Fuckin' Id Silvertongue! Remember, that changeling who ran middle dura for a month before anyone noticed all the charm magic flying around? He's apparently out of Dreadhold, and strolling through Sharn with not one, not two, not even three, but FOUR women ON EACH ARM.

I think, shit, he's charming people again, I'm trying to think of a way to get some back-up, when he walks into this tavern. I follow, and you know who the hell he's meeting? Howl d'Orien! The goddamn Black Unicorn himself! Sitting next to him, Oris Tiktok, the Mad Tinker of Aundair! And some giant goliath with an hammer that looks like it was pulled from some mountain.

What did I do? I turned the hell right around, and decided I didn't see a damn thing. Apparently, they put down some cult that had been messing with the lower ward occupants. All I know is that I sure as shit wasn't going to ask them for papers.

The worst thing about this job? Adventurers. I swear, either there's some nymphomaniac leather-wearing burglaress around who think her tits mean she can't go to prison (and worse, she has some meathead boyfriend with plate and a sword that breaks some working stiff's arm rescuing her), or a big, drunk retard of a barbarian.

We don't bother using the drunk tank anymore, just herd 'em off the harbor with our polearms. "KRUG NO SWIM! KRUG NO SWIM!" gets funnier every time I hear it, especially since it's...what...five feet deep off the pier?

>>14793530
Oi, fuck me, you've run into Krug? Small world.

So I'm a thief, not that fancy or massively powerful or anything but shit gotta make a living and the Graf (I live in a little shitty nordland city called Hafmiester, ruled by Graf Hersman) has overly high taxes for my taste. So one of my confederates got caught by the town guard in his favorite tavern recently, and ended up conscripted by some posh priest to fight fucking beastmen of all things. So he toddled off and came back a hero (minus almost every other conscript) and I asked him to help me rob this rich fat fucker that had come into town recently. The plan was simple. This guy I knew would follow my friend up the side of the building while I and my girl Rosie distract the patrons with a song, and they'd loot richies room. But the moron bungled it by fucking coming in the main fucking door, tries to tiptoe up the stairs in the middle of the room. Of course he gets spotted, and by now I'm giving him a nasty glare, but the patrons recognize him and start buying him drinks. Then I am forced to flee when that guy I knew come tumbling down from richies room with a sword in his gut, having been unable to sneak in (like my friend was supposed to). I eventually managed to find the fuck with the intention of slicing him up just a little, when his hairy norse fucking berserker fellow former conscript runs up and turns my head to jelly with his axe. My last sight is his other new buddy chopping my Rosie, my caring lovely Rosie, up into chunks.

And now I'm being devoured by Chaos daemons because that norse fucker dedicated his kill to his horrid gods.

Fuck I need a drink.

So Dave and I are out on patrol near the harbour, nothing special. There's a great little restaurant in the bay made out of a docked ship, and we planned on heading in there for lunch.
Anyway, this dark elf comes running at us out of goddamn nowhere, and I'm thinking, fuck, this'll be the third fucking fucker today to start babbling on about some fucking crustaceans by the water he saw the other day. Yes, citizen, we've all seen the dreadful creatures. Instead, to our surprise, he's yelling about a thief!
Well, I draw my sword and fucking haul ass over, and we see people running about like flippin' madmen, but one of them stands out: the big guy in plate armour, looking around in a confused manner. Our telepathic guard link recognized him as our culprit immediately. So we get in there, right, Dave's ready to kick his fucking teeth in, but I keep him back, we want this to go smoothly.
We take this violator of the law back to the fort and search his criminal ass. We must have caught him before he could steal anything. He claims that he was just trying to pick up a fork that had fallen onto the floor, but we know better. Nobody breaks the law on my watch.

>>14793530
Don't forget how fucking crazy things get when they come in with a fucking magic sword worth the entire town and then try to sell it. NO ONE IS GOING TO SELL THEIR ENTIRE BUSINESS FOR A GODDAMN SWORD, IDIOTS!

>>14793615
I see what you did there

>>14793059

Nine months later, the poor bloke leaves his barracks only to almost step on a basketfull of half-elf baby, complete with a note detailing its name and sad, lilting script detailing that, "My grandson wouldn't let me keep it. Your problem now, stud!"

Sealed with a lipstick kiss.

>>14793596

Krug's actually not that bad. 'E came into town without a group and tried to start trouble. (I should mention at this point that we just got a new recruit, a flippin' minotauros raised by th' local odd wizard. Great guy.) So I'm sent to calm 'im down (Read: tie him up again) and Eli (the new mino) jus' slaps Krug and knocks 'im into the wall. Fuckin' A. So when Krug comes around, Eli gives 'im this stare. Doesn't move, just stares at 'im. Krug buys 3 rounds for everyone in the bar, and life was good. He ran off two days later shouting about 'venturing. Come on over to Kravenhall one of these days, we can hang out.

>>14794829

Man, you're lucky. Our guard regiment hired on this minotaur guy a few months ago, and I have no idea what possessed the higher-ups to give this guy a halberd and badge because the first thing he does is pick a fight with a drunken adventurer with a sword nearly as long as I am tall. In the middle of a crowded tavern no less.

Fuck, our superiors had us sweeping up broken glass and splintered chairs for what seemed like hours afterward.

To introduce myself, I am a soldier serving the Lord Gresisssik, who is a dragon. Lord Gres is a fairly fair and benevolent monarch, in the sense that he leaves us to live our lives in return for servicing the mines and the criminals that work there, serving in his armies, and occasional bits of community building. In return he protects us from just about everything and keeps the region united and strong. A good deal, in my opinion, and one that my folk have enjoyed for three generations.

Until some fucking adventures show up.

Fuckers start shouting about oppression and terrible draconic tyranny, kill a bunch of the lads that try to bring them in, piss of Lord Gres so much he starts burning everything indiscriminately, and then kill him. Most of them tell us to not fear, we are free, blah blah blah. Then left, leaving the region with no protection or order. Then the final fucker warlord dick shows back up and takes over in the name of 'protecting our liberty', levies taxes and obligations far beyond those of Lord Gres for the same reason, and arrested former community leaders that opposed him.

We eventually managed to string the fuck up, and got a lovely red to come and take over. The new Lady is quite nice, if somewhat paranoid. But I think we can forgive her that.

>until some fucking adventures show up

>meant to be adventurers

I'm not paid to write

LOG: 23RD OF SUN'S BLESSING,

MIDDAY
Shift change. Logan on duty. Nothing to report.

AFTERNOON
Caught Sten the blacksmith's little brat writing obscenities on the outside of the pub that kicked him out last week. Multiple witnesses (refer to logged reports), sentenced by constable to five lashes, carried out within the hour. (Perpetrator was given the choice between that and being delivered to his father. Smart lad.)

SUNDOWN
Shift change. Zachary on duty. Nothing to report.

AFTER-DUSK
Found Foster the cobbler drunk on the street again. Walked him home with a final warning. Poor man's gotten enough breaks from me.

MIDNIGHT
Suspicious behavior by the bridge. Tall humanoid figure and small lithe beast-man, possibly kobold. Fled upon my approach. Organized search, turned up nothing. All guards alerted to be on the lookout.

BEFORE DAWN
Caught another bard in the alley behind the pub. This one was with a yuan-ti. All I need is minotaur and drider and I win the pool.

DAWN
Shift change. Irons reporting. Nothing to report apart from Zachary being a lucky son of a bitch.

Couple of them adventuring types came into my store the other day. I knew by the look of them that they weren't your average, starry-eyed, naivete out the ass types, all questing to right the wrongs of the realm and all that codswollop. No, these guys were different. The superfluous spikes and clasps and skulls and cleavage on their priest were a dead giveaway.

This was one of them less savory groups.

One of them stayed by the door while the others drew close and I began to panic. Leaned over the counter real nasty like, I did, and their girly magic user type gave me one across the face. They threatened to steal my cuteness if I didn't go in back and get them the strongbox. The nerve! So, of course, I make real scared like and go in back. Where the lever is.

It was a good thing the one by the door cut and ran when he saw the shop floor open up underneath the rest of his buddies and take them on the greased chute express to poisoned spike down. I probably couldn't have taken him. A bit of elbow grease and a rope with a meathook on the end of it later, and I've got three people worth of equipment to sell with a 100% profit margin. That trap's the best 6d20gp I ever spent.

Yayifications.

>>14795162
I'm afraid this is the Town Guard thread, madam. Regular citizens are not authorized to be here. If you'd please be so kind as to move along with your business, we'd be very thankful. You have yourself a nice day.

>>14795087
BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS

WATCHA GONNA DO

WATCHA GONNA DO WHEN THEY COME FOR YOU

>>14795230
Literally every setting would benefit from a COPS spinoff. Without exception. Or else something along the lines of Band of Brothers / Generation Kill, a real "boots on the ground, just trying to get home in one piece" perspective.

>>14795162
Yes. YES.

You have no idea how difficult it is being one of the only human guards in Bandle City. It seems like every single one of these little fuckers is some sort of insane tinkerer, and I've still got bandages from the most recent incident with a flame-spewing mechanical colossus crashing through town square. If that wasn't bad enough, our barracks are pretty close to those of the Special Forces. I don't know how such little girls got such mouths on them, but it seems like every other day when I'm standing night watch I feel a cannon nudge me in the ribs and there's another snide, devil-eyed blue girl trying out her latest lascivious joke on me.

Fate help me, I'm no pedophile. But I'll be damned if being the only human other than the local drunk isn't making me progressively more lonely, and those eyes are looking more and more enticing...

>>14794967

Shit, Lord Gres is dead? Sorry to hear that mate, I moved out of Greston when I was a lad, my pa got a job as a smith in Alhender, I got into the guard when I could hold up a spear.

>>14795162
I lol'd.

>>14795484
I vaguely remember him, a deft hand with dice if I recall correctly. Got more than a few of this old man's coins.

And yes, Lord Gres's death was a crying shame. He may have a reclusive dragon but he kept us safe, both militarily and economically. Roads kept up, tolls kept affordable, merchants protected, ect. And of course his rule was stable, given that he lived so long. inheritance is not a big issue with dragons.

Still, the Lady is a good sort, though I hear she has a history in the rest of her realm. Names Lady Seffy or something, not quite sure.

>>14795087
>Caught another bard in the alley behind the pub. This one was with a yuan-ti. All I need is minotaur and drider and I win the pool.

A ha ha, I see what you did there.

>>14795162
I laughed hard.

>>14795448
Ah yes, Yordles and LoL. My mind is infected with images of blue loli asses since playing it. Its a curse I tell you.

Any of you lads know where in Waterdeep to hire a priest on a guard's wage? I think I'm cursed.

See, here's the thing. I keep running into a guy and each time I do it's allways something headache inducing.

6 months ago: I get called in to a disturbance at a noble (fuck nobles, fuck them to the Nine Hells with a phallus covered in razor blades) party and who do I find as the cause? Danillo motherfucking Thann. The stupid fucker has gone and messed up a spell and this rosebush thingy is growing like the Tannari shat on it or something. I nearly got raped by the vines of that stupid plant.

4 months ago: Another disturbance, this time at The House of Good Spirits. Apparently there was a 'miscast spell'. Oh really? Is that why I got bowled over by a godsdamned ALE ELEMENTAL?! Danillo fucking Thann.

Last month: Off duty, once again at the House of Good Spirits. There was a crowd gathered around someone chanting. Suddenly there's an explosion of green light and wind and EVERYBODY'S NAKED AS FUCK. Even me. I hear a "Hehe, whoops, that wasn't meant to happen...." I rin home as fast as I can, one arm over my breasts the other covering my pussy. Danillo FUCKING Thann.

Today: Yet another rowdy noble party. I get dragged off my beat to be yet another warm body in plate. A few hours in and there is this ungodsly noise, I rush in knowing that I'm about to be rammed into Beshaba's arsehole lengthwised, because hey I'm a guard it's my duty.

Something happens and the room explodes. Something crashes into me sending me flying into the wall where I broke an arm and both my legs. What hit me? DANILLO FUCKING THANN!!

>>14795583
Met a bard in the pub once who was crying into his drink over some gal named "Seff." Thought it was a bit of an odd name for a lass, but didn't think much of it at the time.

>>14795664
Um... Well if you explain the situation, I'm sure most will be happy to help?
Or ask for a transfer, that might work.

>>14795683
She's not the only one with this problem. Damn kid followed me for three posts a while back. I guess the curse finally got passed on. One of these days he's going to land in the wrong man's lap, and he'll be confined to making people trip over his grave.

>>14795700

Ah shit man, don't tell me you heard that story from Thuric? The dude's a bald-faced liar and I must've heard that story about twelve fucking different times from him, each time with more and stronger assassins. He tells them all the time to try and get free drinks down at the tavern, and it hasn't worked yet.

The warhammer throw is a new touch though, I have to admit.

>>14795711

I hope his elfbitch wife turns into a raging bulldyke and cleaves his cods with that magic sword of hers.

Gods, I hate nobles.

>>14795700

Glorious.

>>14795583

Wait, Lady Seffy...

Some of the other guards told me this story a few years back. There was this red dragon flying about, tearing up the countryside and causing all sort of ruckus. The king sent an envoy to see if he had any demands of treasure or something of the sort.

Well, as it turns out he was a she, and she was lonely. Unfortunately, a group of adventurers made sure to kill every single other color dragon in the kingdom (wouldn't surprise me if it was the same fucks that offed Gres) so they had nothing to give. What they DID have was a wizard who was pretty handy with polymorphing people.

So they draw straws and and the wizard works his magic and presto, studly red dragon looking for a mate. They put him through some training, make sure he knows all of the intricacies of courtship, hell they even made a giant doll for him to practice...intimacy on. They still have the fucking thing in the basement of the barracks.

But that's another story. Eventually the guy has the confidence to put the moves on the chick and he flies out to meet her. It was running pretty smoothly, he flew around, burned some ground, let out some roars. This got her attention and she pounced on him.

At this point of the story other guards got real quiet and looked around, to make sure no-one else was listening. Apparently, the guy got a little nervous and started going on about "This being too soon" and "We should get to know each other."

Now, the army was nearby just in case things got bad, but now they are flipping out. I mean, if this red dragon chick got blue balled, who knows what the fuck will happen, you know?

>>14795290
There have been a few books. I forget the name, but either one of the characters or the author had Simon in their name. It was about two guardsmen (one was a woman) in a fantasy city.

>>14795795

Well, their minds were put at ease as she proceeded to rape him. Like seriously, she fucking pinned him down to the ground and started hammering away. The army was dumbfounded and didn't know what the fuck to do as this poor guard-transformed-to-dragon started screaming for his life. Once she was done, she looked ashamed and tried to apologize, but the dude just kind of curled up and sobbed to himself.

At the end of the day, the red dragon flew away and the guard got his body back. No one really talks to him about it, but he will go berserker rage whenever rape goes down.

No joke, I managed to pry a name out and followed the guy. Some evil ass adventurers slink into the city, you know, the kind that you REALLY don't mess with until you are explicitly ordered to? Yeah, the ones with all the spikes and skulls with red flames and shit. Anyway, they had this orc barbarian who "takes what he wants." The fucking guard rips this orc's dick off and then proceeds to shove it down the orc's throat. Fucker died by literally choking on his own dick.

>>14795627

Source on this image? I love that face.

>>14795835

Hahaha niiice! I know a few guys I'd like to do that to...

>>14795835
>>14795795
Holy Shit.

Lady Seffy IS rather forceful and hands on when she wants to be.

This is one fucking tale though, and I'm very tempted to tell my mates.

But dragons take such things seriously. I like living and hate the thought of forcing her to kill me.

It does explain the wistful looks and discarded love letters however. Maybe I should try to talk to her advisers about this, they know when to listen to an old palace guard and they also know how badly things go when dragons OR lords get 'lonely'.

I suppose he wouldn't be up for another go, would he?

I wish it was more like the old days, most of the adventurers back then were hardly any tougher than us. What a scruffy bunch, they knew to be careful, and you could at least recognize what half of them were. Elves, dwarves, halflings. Maybe once in a while a Drow.

But now you've got to accept twenty different races, and we're supposed to arrest any innkeeper who doesn't want an adventuring gelatinous cube dragging a slime trail across his floor and dissolving his customer.

And their abilities? Don't even get me started. When Tenbeard the Terrific started chopping down guardsmen we had to bring in a ballista to take him down.

>>14795883

We could send the wizard if one of you gentlemen want to roll in the hay with the scaly lady. As a bonus we can send you the practice dummy.

>>14796041

I hear you, brother. And dont get me started on this political correctness bullshit either. Now we're supposed to call Elves "Eladrin"? What in the Nine Hells are "Eladrin"?

>>14796041


BLUDDY FUGGIN DENBEARD! Tha' lil shi' comes on in ta town awl fulla piss and vinga' wannin womin an awl sor' of shi'. We got sum ogre lad' ,Grav and somthin', an' dey go ta thro 'im ou' of town. Sunnly, da who' town is in arm' to kic' dis lil shi' ou'. Crazy fuckin' dorfs.

>>14796041
I hear some of the southern cities are trying a new... er... training regimen for the guards there. Certainly helps with the crazy adventurers rolling around. I hear the guard captain there can bisect a Umber Hulk with a kitchen knife.

Problem is that they're running out of ancient dungeons and crypts for their guards to raid. I think they might have to resort to fetch quests soon.

>>14796063


I knew a guy who was busted to sewer duty for calling an elf an eladrin. Fucking politics, man.

>>14796059
The position would come with a significant place in court, honor, prestige, and likely any other women in town. We take our dragonic overlords desires seriously.

On the other hand, I'm the only guard here and I'm not in the prime of my life anymore.

And I like my hip bones.

(yes we'd love the wizard, but uh, we can pass on the dummy)

>>14796110

But how many of them are human, eh? I bet with all this affirmative action going around, half of them are undead and the other half are outsiders. And the ones that aren't are half-breeds of either! You heard me, half-liches! It's happening as we speak! It isn't safe to walk the streets any more, I tell you.

I miss the day when every guardsman was a human with a five-o-clock shadow and a halberd. Unless of course he was in a dwarven or elven city, they need their own kind to guard them.

We don't get no fancy elves here. Just the dwarves we trade with in the mountains and a small community of halflings. And while yes, they do make amazing food, people don't normally realize that they also make excellent handcrafts. Little fingers are good for that. And lots of fertilizer too. Good for business.

Oh, and some kobolds nearby. Lord Gres loved those little guys, and they are quite cunning.

And lots of half/less dragons, from old Lord Gres. He sure get around, he did. In fact, if Lady Seffy could transform we'd solve quite a few problems in that area. Anyone willing to teach a powerful red dragoness how to transform into a bipedal form?

>>14796147
I see some pasty ass bloke walking down the street. He passes by a mirror and doesn't have a reflection, so I am all "fucking vampire, it's go time." Next thing you know, I'm in trouble because Count Fuckula or whatever is a damn adventurer. I asked him for his profession, you know like wizard or fighter or something, he tells me fucking vampire. What the fuck man? Goddamn undead are overrunning the world.

>>14795841

Nekoko from the game Yume Miru Kusuri. Similar face here (with somewhat NSFW text):

http://danbooru.donmai.us/post/show/121823/blonde_hair-blush-cat_tail-grin-haimura_kiyotaka-h

>>14796189
Alright, status update on that wizard. Well, apparently he and the dummy are...inseparable. I'm not looking too much into it but if you want the wizard you get the dummy too.

>>14796130

I hear you man.

Shit, I shouldn't have moved away from fucking Shadowdale.

Worst thing I had to deal with there was Elminster's hand on my arse and the occasional Zhent raiding party.

>>14796147
Bah! Snooty creatures, all of them. Ironically, as much as I hate the bastards I feel they hate me back worse; practically all the half-dragons and elves and whatnot I have met always look down their noses (snouts?) on pure humans. Like we're inferior or something. Well mister fancy-pants, maybe some of us don't NEED magic snot or wing'ed testicles or whatnot to be competent in a fight!

Some of these days I just feel like leaving. Y'know? Just somewhere out there living by myself, away from this blasted chaos.

>>14796136
You're just setting her up for heartbreak again. Love letters, staring blankly at the horizon, all that stuff. I can only imagine the guilt that she feels over this sort of thing, and if she found out it wasn't a male red after all but just some poor sod who drew the short straw who knows what she'd do?

Especially if it's the same damn wizard, because in all the time I've dealt with these spellcasters I've never met one who wasn't too lazy to turn every man into the same red dragon and she'll know something's up. No sir, that's not the way to get it done.

Just rig up a smooth pillar with some lodestones on the end to shake and rattle the thing around. She'll figure out what to do with it.

>>14796257

Fuck that shit! How about we humans kick their asses out, huh? We were here first dammit!

>>14796278
Hey now, none of that talk. If the pansies leave they take their ladies with them.

I just want the damned adventurers to shove off already. You don't see winged wolf-dragon critters wandering in to town to set up a tailor's shop, now do ye?

>>14796303

Listen, they can go breed with their own kind and we can breed with ours. I don't want them touching our women and I sure as hell ain't gonna touch theirs.

>>14796303
Hmm, you're right. I wonder how a race could function properly if all it's members are adventurers.

Heh, what is an adventurer anyways? Just a hobo that's better at killing people.

>>14796320

What's an adventurer? "A mess of trouble I dont want to deal with" that's what.

>>14796320

Hobos don't get magical bullshit.

>>14796227
You know, I think we'll pass. However if I may recommend that in the future you just transform a sheep or something instead, a dragon that blueballed is not gonna care.

>>14796334

Maybe we could polymorph Elminster? Shit, you know that wizard would be down with it. Hell he's probably fucked a dragon before just for a laugh.

Hell, I bet he's fucked beholders, for that matter.

What is it with wizards being dirty old men anyway?

>>14796303

Oh so now you're some sort of disgusting elfophile, are you? We should run your kind out of town, too. If you like the elves so much, why don't you go live in the forest with them? Huh? Answer me that, Mr. Pointy-ears-give-me-a-boner.

I say, anyone who's willing to sleep with one of these freaks is just as bad as them. What's next, eh? They'll probably say crypts and orc camps are full of "their own kind" and demand that we set up adventuring grounds full of nothing but humans.

When I was a boy, I wanted to be Baristan the Brave. Golden armor, golden hair, jeweled sword, magic Pegasus, the whole deal. Spent my childhood with a wooden sword practicing, my adolescence with an axe chopping lumber with my father. I was meant for great things. So when I was 16, I joined the army.

Served for four years, got bloodied, distinguished myself in combat. At the Battle of Mick's Bridge, I saw Barristan and his companions, once flying overhead to battle a dragon, plumes of light and sparks arcing across the sky. My childhood hero, fresh-faced and laughing at danger, his beautiful sorceress at his side. I was so distracted I didn't notice the Orc's axe until it was too late. Took my left arm at the elbow. I gave as good as I got but my fighting days were done.

Lots of crippled veterans around, difficult to find work. So I slummed around homeless for awhile, just a one-armed beggar with a sword, till I came across this little town. Killed a rogue bugbear that murdered a child, so the village hired me as their one and only guard.

I'll never be rich; I make less than fifty gold a year. I'll never be handsome; too many melees and scars saw to that. I'll never be married because I've got no prospects, and all the skills I learned in life required two hands. I ain't never gonna be Barristan the Brave.

But folks know each other by name here and look you in the eye when speaking. I grow eight different kinds of tomatoes in the garden and the Harvest Festival is a rare treat. Maybe Sheila will dance with me this year.

>>14796387

Trust me, you're better off that way. What do heroes know about an honest day's work, anyway? They're too used to being lost heirs and having fate provide for them. I bet they can't even open an outhouse without finding a lost treasure.

Me? I've got more respect for those who WORK for a living.

>>14796387

Good luck with that Sheila lass, brother. Hope things work out for you.

>>14796387

Shit, I wish I got my arm chopped off. I sweep the sewers every night looking for rat-like beastmen.

As a halfdragon and a old dragon-man, I can say that the worst thing about a draconic heritage of any sort is the gas. Seriously, what would be a belch or fart for a human is a serious fire hazard for me. Though at least I used to be popular at bars.

As much as the pointy-eared bastards can be a pain in the ass, they ain't all bad. We had a guy who joined up with us once. Apparently one of them ranger types who got to old for the adventurin' racket. When he first refused to use yer standard issue pike, I thought he was just full of shit, that whole elfy business. But then I saw him use that bow he carried 'round. Bastard could hit things I couldn't even see. Worked out a bit of a reputation 'ventually - all he had to do was walk right into a room, and those murderous bums would calm right the fuck down. Knew they'd get an arrow in the chest for their troubles if they tried to start shit, eh?

>>14796373
Just because you never get to grab hold of those handlebars doesn't mean you got to get mad at those who do. Funny you should mention orcs, though. I remember a certain off-duty guard who woke up next to a green girl with more body hair than him after the harvest festival.

>>14796471

I still say a human could do the same job!

>>14796479

Ugh. I saw one of those, drunk and letting it all hang out. Those rare times I have the coin I get the full beauty treatment at Mother Tathlorn's House of Pleasure & Healing, but even when I dont I at least take the time to trim.

Those orc girls? Ugh. It's a godsdamned jungle down there, and sweet Selune they reek! I mean, we're not just talking tuna here, we're talking month old salmon roe...

>>14796488
Yeah, so could a dwarf. He'd have to get a stool but he'd do it just the same.

There's not wanting to put up with PC bullshit and then there's just being an ass. Demis are fine by me, least you know what to expect from 'em. It's the half-breeds you really gotta worry about. They tend to be tough motherfuckers but that only aggravates the real problem: their family issues.

Yeah, yeah, daddy put his big blue scaly peepee into pointy-eared mommy's dainty elven astral portal and you got picked on by the lads in preschool who didn't sneeze lightning. Get the fuck over it and stop starting shit at the brothel.

>>14796510
Eh, I've known a few clean-cut types who get the whole hygiene thing. Never a half-orc, though. They come from out in the boonies where it's considered rude not to stink, which is why they mix so much out there. Not a good cultural base to stand on, especially when your job title is self-described as "barbarian." It gets real bad sometimes.

>>14796488
I don't care who got that job, 'cause I sure as he'll didn't want it. Some poor bastard volunteers to take on rioting adventures, well Pelor bless his soul, he can do as he pleases. Don't care if he's pointy, short, or green, he gets the job.

Too bad he took off. Something about an ol' friend of his comin' back as a ghost or whatever. I asked him before he left, but all he'd do was point at a scar and brood in my general direction.

Guess that's whatcha get for hiring an adventurer.

>>14796420

Good to see a fellow working man here. Sheila, some pints please.

>A slightly overweight woman with red hair brings the table some drinks, spilling some beer down her apron in her haste. So busy is she that she doesn't take notice, and quickly disappears back into the crowd

That's my Sheila. Beauty, ain't she?

Most what I do ain't exciting. Help the Widow Perkins unload her cart on market day. Check the papers of caravans when they come through, which is rare. Fetch cats out of trees, though it's tough climbing with one hand. Steady a skittish horse when the blacksmith is shoeing.

Only time I used my cudgel was when young Hapswitch got a bit too forceful with miss Petunia. Cuthbert's beard, the nerve of boys these days. My father woulda whipped me blind for that.

I've got dragons on the mind
My tail swinging from my behind
Fiery breath makes clothing fragile
Got no wings, I'm not so agile.
But I've served the dragons since I was young
Even when I had to shovel their dung.
Now I've got these here plumes
No longer do I have to smell those fumes.
Honor, loyalty, kickass scale chestplate
My masters hunger I thus seek to sate.
Ashes to Ashes, Death to Dust,
Even when dealing with draconic lust.
Duty is my name, service is my fate
And I shall always defend these gates.

>>14796555
Be glad you don't get many adventuring types round here. I make the rounds on my trading route here and in at least three towns I've never had the same barmaid twice. They all quit after the dozenth creepy bastard rolls into town and fails miserably to put the moves on 'em.

Went to the magic city once or twice to get special orders. You know the one, the Circle runs it. Nice name, like they think they're the only one. Anyway, drinks was bein' served by this strange crystal creature, looked like a ruby crossed with a bartender. No mouth, floaty bits of it all about, didn't really talk but got the words across anyway, if you catch my meaning.. Bit odd but that's how it goes in that town. Anyway, I got the item the customer wanted, delivered it, and stopped by three days later on the return trip. The rocky fellow was gone, replaced by some sour-faced devil girl thing. Spilled my damn drink, she did, then spit at me when I complained. Owner of the place ran up and apologized after trapping her in some magic circle. Said she was just a temporary summoned solution. Turns out the rock was a girl rock and she got swept off her hard pointy feet by some traveling street performer. These damned adventurers, I bleedin' tell ya...

Anyone remember that town that revolted against adventurers? Wouldn't let them in?
Whatever happened to that place? Get burned to the ground yet, or was it so far out of the way no one remembered where it was?

I remember my last encounter with a group of rowdies. About five of them, accompanied by- of all things- a mind flayer. But they were sure as hell armed to the teeth and no one in the guard wanted to mess with them. This armored dwarf proceeds to drink half the tavern under the table, howling this awful song drunkenly between slops of ale, breaking a chair on his way onto the table. A lady in armor starts a fight outside and damn near kills Niko, this masked freak starts spiking drinks with Pesh, a hooded psycho just stands in the corner and gives me the creeps... so I take a seat in the corner next to a reasonable looking fellow, in uniform. Greatcoat, beret with insignia, all that. I think hey, Elite Guard. So I ask what part of the guard he's from. He says he's not with the city. So I ask who he's with.

He points at the group and says, "These idiots."

He teleported out after that.

See adventurer's ain't all that bad, especially ones with rogues in the lead. I got a sweet gig goin for me, five gold pieces a week to not patrol the seediest part of town.

>>14796624

Funny, I'm an enforcer of the Circle. Just came down from Silverhaven on a job. What's the job? Well...

We've had a bit of trouble in the city's, well, seedier districts. Some bastard's been cutting up pleasure girls. Well, usually that'd be a job for the regular guard, not for magical enforcement. But see, the guy, he uses spellwork to kill them. Twists their bodies with force, burns them with mage-fire, forces elementals into their lungs... Anyway, a week ago we got called to the scene. Girl's corpse was still warm, so lucky for us. Had a cleric come down from Forensics and talk to the girl's spirit to get her to ID the perp. Well, she says she can't be certain, it was dark, but he looked like a noble. We give her a line-up while she's still stable, and she fingers a guy. Governor's son. Oh godsdamn it, I think, that's a headache and a half. So I go up to the mansion and the guy's there, I present my badge and go for the shackles, but he starts summoning up some shit and I Color Spray his ass and drag him down to the precinct. Well, then the real fun starts. He says he was framed, some other guy 'morphed into him did all the murders, yada yada. There's so much spell-residue at the scene our Forensics boys can't tell what was what, so we let him go. Now the boss got me chasing some leads down the coast, the guys in the scrying department got wind of a polymorph spell going off north of here. Big one, too. You ask me, I think that pampered fuckbag is guilty as a balor. Should have seen his smirk as we let him out.

>>14796974
That's what bureaucracy gets ya. Down here we'd have run the bastard through the moment he refused to come quietly.

I remember my first job. Assholes decided to take the fresh new rookie out with them while they busted that Necromancer ring. You know, the one on the east side? Was connected to all those child disappearances last year?

I remember vomiting the second I stepped through the door. You shouldn't have to see bits of children nailed to the walls. Not on your first week.

Huh, all 'o these Guard stories are really bringing back the good ole days. Any of you youngins want to hear about the blacksmith-turned adventurer-turned guardswoman? Tis quite a hearty tale and one that oft needs to be told.

>>14796147
And just what is wrong with being undead?

I was BORN in the city. I grew up here! But just because I now have to take a formaldehyde bath every year and be extra careful not to lose any limbs, I don't count?

Fuck you! I got stabbed FIFTEEN TIMES last week! By bloody two-bit thieves who freak out when the guard that catches them happens to be undead. Can YOU be stabbed fifteen times and still be here? Didn't think so!

>>14797470

Well, willing undead are fine. Long as you got your papers in order, your certificate that proves you signed your body and soul over to unlife, it's fine by the law. It's the godsdamn unlicensed necromancers and the stupid shit they do that gives the Circle headaches. We just got done with a guy who was runnin' a sweatshop, and when the slaves working there died, he raised them to keep working, until they fell apart. Then he fed them to the living workers. I tell you, it was a rare satisfaction seeing him dissolve.

>>14797579

I hear that. Adventurers cause all sorts of trouble where the Undead are concerned. We got a small church to Evening Glory up here, goddess of Love beyond death and all that. People turnin' undead to be with the people they love forever. Sorta odd folk, but nice enough.

Then we get adventurers in from out of town. They see... A mummy and two ghosts I think it were? Anyway, long story short the fire they ended up starting took out half the merchant district, woulda killed a lot more people too if the Magic Division hadn't been trained for fires like this.

And gods blast those adventurers, when we finally tracked 'em down, they started acting like we should be thanking them!

You guys got any tricks for these guys?

>>14797470

No, I'd have the decency to stay in my grave! I'm going to sneak a holy symbol into your chainmail, you rotting scum. See how you like that. Better not start making moves on any of our living girls, either. Ugh, ghoul-lovers make me sick to my stomach.

We're all watching you, you know, some day you're going to slip up and we're going to catch you gnawing on someone's femur.

>>14796726

The hooded creepbags aren't even the worst. You know what the worst ones are? The ones who've got a novel's worth of issues to share with you, I once had to spend an entire evening with one patting his shoulder and telling him it was going to be alright, praying that I wasn't going to say the wrong thing that'd end with him gutting me with that ridiculous sword he had.

Do none of these adventurers come from happy homes? It just convinces me all the more that every single one of them is just out there cutting creatures in half because they need a therapist.

>>14797661
Honestly? Build a decreipt dungeon outside, and fill it with nasty but ultimately manageable beasties, and put something shiny at the bottom.
That should tire them out and distract them. After that, constant escort, as a "reward"

>>14794712
Just have to say that this is going to be the background of my next half-elf character.

>>14797668
It's not like I CHOSE this you know! I get called off my regular beat to investigate funny noises, next thing I know I get a bag over my head, a knife in my gut and a fatal allergy to holy water!

Why should I stay in my grave? Way I see it, I'm still entitled to lif- existence, murdered or not. I always wear a sprig of lavender or something to keep any smells away. I pay my tab, I even pay my taxes!

I'm not going to drop re-dead become some vitalist arse face doesn't like me. So you can shove it.

>>14797800
Wait, Reg? I thought you died during civil revolt.

>>14797821
He did.

>>14797699

Really? That's it? Give them a playground and some babysitters? Are adventurers really that easy to manage?

I remember some stories posted a few weeks back about a Guard Captain who wound up getting a lot of unwanted "attention" from an Elven Ambassador. Did anybody manage to save it?

Pic related, it's essentially who the Ambassador was.

>>14797841
Yes. It's as if they are remotely controlled by huge children.

>>14797800
>>14797668

Don't start a barfight you two. Just think how that'd look to your superiors, eh?

And to be fair, the undead creeped the fuck out of me at first too. I got used to 'em right quick though.

>>14797800

Cry me a river, oh wait, you can't!

>>14797864
Hey. Hey dude. Did you SEE the Black Thane that guards the damn king of that country a couple over? Motherfucker scared the pants off of me when I had to stand border guard. Thank fuck their all pally with our kingdom, would NOT like to screw around with those types of undead, or the people they trained.

>>14797850

Undead? Gods, if you're squeamish about the undead, you should see our department back in the Capitol. We've got angels, lizardmen, werewolves... Fuck, I even deputized a gelatinous cube once (handy for sewer missions, I tell you). And a half-ogre I worked with a while back was the best constable in the Wards. It don't matter what they are, long as they're good police.

>>14797921

Yeah I picked that one up.

Really? A cube? Wouldn'ta seen that one coming.

Thinking about it, though it kind makes sense.

>>14797921

You can't trust these fucks. If his dad's a balor or a deva or something, he isn't right in the head. All those half-animal creatures? Lizardmen? They don't think like us, and they've got INSTINCTS. I'd let a lizardman watch my back in the swamp, but I wouldn't trust him not to start sacrificing townspeople to his heathen gods when he thinks no one's watching.

If there's one race I'd trust in the watch, it'd be wood elves. They're such huge pricks that they'd refuse bribes and arrest lawbreakers just to ruin someone's day.

>>14797947

I hate to break it to you pal but you have INSTINCTS too. You wanna eat? INSTINCT. You wanna fuck? INSTINCT. You thirsty? You guessed it, motherfuckin' INSTINCTS.

>>14797947

Well, I hear ya, but you need to know that in the capitol we don't only deal with humans. Hk'kzkk, for instance, he was invaluable when we went into the lizardfolk ghetto to bust Ak'Khar the Mad and his cult. He knew the language, he knew the back alleys, he knew how to say "drop that scythe motherfucker" in Lizard so that demon-worshipping bastard got the fear and surrendered. Then we put him in the wagon. Glorious moment, that. All sorts come to the Capitol to live. So we need all sorts of guard in the force to deal with those who break the laws. Out here in the county, you've got mostly humans so you don't see that.

This thread needs a drawfag. I'm picturing guards of different cities sharing stories in an inn. Guards of noble palaces with gleaming, ornate breastplate, guards of hamlets and villages with leather armor and simple cloth for protection, painted with a crude insignia, mage guards with robes and detectives in hooded cloaks... Human, elf and dwarven guards, living, undead and exotic races. It's awesome.

>>14797864
You want to take this outside? Because if you're not careful I'll show you the OTHER side!

I'm a valuable member of the force. You have any idea how many other guards would have died due to crude spiked traps, or thugs waiting around the corner with a dagger, if it weren't for me going first? Dozens at least!

And what are you? Just a moron who probably can't even hold a knife without cutting himself.

>>14798036

Oh, really? I'm sorry. I've completely underestimated you.

You're not just a walking corpse, you're also a walking ten-foot-pole. That's how we used to disarm traps back in my day, just wave your halberd around and hope you hit the tripwire or pressure plate.

>>14798036
>>14798077
God's blast you two! If you keep this up I'm writing your superiors!

>>14798077

Ten-foot poles are nice and all, but the best way to beat traps is to bring in an expert. That's why, when we caught the notorious thief known as the Greyhound, we offered him a choice: either we chop your arms off, or you work for the Guard. Easy choice, he said. So now we don't have to worry about traps anymore, that shifty bastard can spot a tripwire or pressure plate anywhere.

>>14798036
>You have any idea how many other guards would have died due to crude spiked traps, or thugs waiting around the corner with a dagger, if it weren't for me going first? Dozens at least!

That wasnt well thought out, we use bred and trained goblins for that here, sure they die by the dozen but its not like we will run out any time soon.

>>14798190

It's amazing what they'll do for Scoundrel Bits("Greenskins don't know it's not human!"), isn't it? I used to have this kobold pet, called him TimmyTommy, we taught him to shadow people for us and then come back and tell us where they were.

But then nooooo kobolds became an accepted adventuring race and suddenly what we were doing was OFFENSIVE. The little rats don't have the brains to do anything but eat filth and then sleep in what they couldn't cram down their throats.

I tell you, the stories of them "setting traps" is probably just their decrepit shitholes collapsing on the poor adventurers crawling in there to clean them out.

I hear a lot of bellyaching from you guys. Once you've spent the last 1,500 years stuck as a reanimated Eternal Guardian of the God-King Sekhmet. Then you can bitch.

>>14798233

Oh by the Gods, you must have to deal with more idiot adventurers than the rest of us combined.

>>14798215
Boy, are you wrong about that. There was a proper mad kobold cult set up in the caves beneath the last town I was stationed at which some adventurers cleared up - probably the one good thing those bastards are good for - and my gods, you would not believe the sort of traps that were in there.

I had to go and help sort out the bodies from people who tried hunting in there to bring them to the morgue, and some were ripped right up the middle, riddled with arrows, one had half a ton of rubble dumped right through his legs.

Not pretty sights, let me tell you that.

It's the "domestic disturbances." Those are the worst. Every one a tragedy in the making.

So this local kid...good kid, spent a bit too much at the temple as a lad but turned out fine. Probably the best hand with a blade in his militia levy. He meets a couple of these other ambitious types, they get a bug up their asses and head out of town. Killin' goblins, that kind of thing. Then we kinda lost touch with him for three, four years.

Lad comes back to town with this girl...keeps her hood up, kind of clingy and doesn't say nothing. He's got a pile of coin and says he's home for good. Well, you can't keep secrets in a town this size and in a couple days everyone's talking about how he's shacked up with one of them dark-elf types. Won't say where or how, which only sets the gossipy old biddies off worse.

Thing is, now every couple weeks without fail, the neighbors call us up talking about the yelling and the screaming and the sounds of breaking stuff. So we go down to the house, and always the same old story. Kid comes to the door with some bruises, limping, shirt all torn up, sometimes rope-marks on him. Trust me--I know rope-marks. I always gotta tell him the same thing: she's not gonna change, we're only gonna be out here the next week doing the same thing. But unless he wants to press charges we can't actually put her in gaol.

But you know how the abused ones work. Kid always goes back to her, tells us she's sorry and she can't help it when she drinks, how we just don't understand their 'lifestyle' and all that. Telling you, we're gonna go out there one of these days and the kid's gonna be dead.

>>14798252

We wouldn't have this sort of problem if we just burned those damn dark elves at the stake as soon as we saw them at the city gates. That's how we used to do it! No accepting their culture or any of that bullshit.

>>14798243
Not as much as you'd think. The traps take care of most of them before they even enter the tomb proper. We've got a Priest here who must have drawn the short straw and wound up being mummified as a Guardian too. He set up a scrying pool in one of the antechambers so we can watch the traps go off. We usually just use it to watch the outside world. It's really the only form of entertainment we got.

>>14798279

Can you guys see anywhere with that thing? Because, y'know, the female guards have their own changing room...

around adventurers...watch your stuff

>>14798285
Not everywhere, I'm not sure of all the restrictions though. It's not like I cast the thing myself ya'know? Anyway your women are safe from our prying eyesockets. You'd be surprised how much being a walking corpse decreases your libido. We mostly keep an eye on our descendants. Though by this point we've got so many of them that it's almost impossible to keep track of them all.

Well except for Iblis, his whole line got wiped out by some magical curse. He took it hard, cried his eyes out. Literally.

I used to be one of those adventurers, got me a fancy spear to prove it. Then my mercenary company all but got obliterated defending this pissant town, and I was too wounded to leave on my own. The longer I stayed to recover, the more found I grew of ol' Blackwater Hamlet, so I decided to stay. Joined the town guard and now I'm one of the captains and until recently I was in line for a promotion.

Then those damned adventurers arrived. Now, I know how they think. They walk into town, think that they run the place just because they just killed an evil dragon, closed a gate to Hell, and eradicated an entire cult. Well, I've done that shit too, and I wasn't about to let these adventurers have their way with fair Blackwater. When I heard that they were giving old Menchas the Smith trouble, I hauled ass over there and demanded that they leave. One guy, a sneaky looking sort, thought it would be a good idea to try and shank me with his shiv.

My spear proved him wrong. Then the plucky magician lookin' bloke tried to cast a spell. I didn't get this far in life by not being able to handle wizards, and before I knew it the magician was dead too. The third person, a bulky fighter, tried cutting me in half with his stereotypical greatsword that almost every "hero" carries, and so I killed him too (although he did hit my leg and I walk with a limp). The fourth member of the group, a pretty little bard, decided it would be better to not test my patience further, and now I have a woman to go home to everyday.

Of course, the mayor demoted me for killing three adventurers because they probably had more money than the entire bloody town. I asked my woman if they'd had any gold on them, but she quickly hid her hands behind her back and said no. I figure she's trustworthy enough.

I've probably killed like eleven fuckers just like this.

I'm not even That Guy.

Adventurers always come down from the thunderin' mountains with gold to spend. good for the economy...but theyre so much trouble... you gotta watch the weasly little buggers with the knives and the paladins always judge you so just 'cus you're using the truncheon abit lib'raly...
But the worst thing is... when they get drunk. the barbarians, rogues and fighters in particular start fights and we gotta mop it up...
Now here's the best part...when wizards or sorcerers try to join in. they cant handle their liqour y'see... and lemme just tell ya, it is HIL-ARIOUS to see a heavily robed wizard miss-pronounce his words and fumble with his fingers so his puff of green knock-out gass blast him in the face and turn into dragonflies... or the scantly clad sorcerers getting all redfaced, looking like theyre trying to poop, and they just cant get fire outta their hands...
mind you, its always fun to grab a ass or purse when we haul 'em to the tank... perks n all that...

>>14798190
>>14798157
Poles are a staple, of course. But sometimes a pole doesn't work. When a bandit is holed up in a house with hostages and a loaded crossbow, and the first guard to go through the door WILL get shot, I'm your man.

It's also fun to scare them that way.

you think you have it hard? try being a FEMALE guard!
we dont have any sexual harassment laws beyond what we can do ourself with our truncheons, and let me tell you, when youre against greatsword swinging figthers, fire-breathing sorcerers and big burly men with axes and daddy-issues... and dont even get me started on the gnomes...

>>14798343

>>14798316
>hid her hands behind her back and said no.
>shes the bard
dude, I think she may be using one of them bard tricks on you. you know, the one that convince the local guard they were "preforming a valuble service to the community" and should'nt pay any fines or reperations after destroying half the town.

>>14798352
>>14798354

>>14798354

Come to think of it, she is rather wealthy. Said she was born into it, but her family died or something. Typical adventurer bullshit we all say to get some sympathy poon and a few extra gold pieces.

I'll look into it, thanks for the heads up there mate.

so what is the standard issue equipment for guards in your town/city/area?

>>14798400
Chain Mail
Light Crossbow
Heavy Mace

in 3.5 and 4.0 settings.

>>14797845
This would be what you're looking for:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/48559693/Elven-Ambassador-A-Captain-s-Bane
Plus the art from someone most obliging.

>>14798400

Some chainmail, a truncheon, and a warhammer.

Troll Syptic too. when they're feeling generous.

>>14798400
wicker shield
loincloth
great feathered helmet
long iron spear
heavy wooden club
boomerang

you north people wear so much iron. I dont understand how you can do it... must feel so heavy!

>>14798425
wow that was.....gay.
beyond homosexual... just...übergay
and funny

>>14798400
Padded armor and clubs, with longspears at the barracks for times of severe unrest. Officers upgrade to studded leather and shortswords.

This is enough to police most domestic disputes and to dissuade casual thieves, but true security is provided by house guards in service to one of the seven families. These vary according to the traditions of the family in question but generally include metal armor and more pronounced weaponry.

Found some gems under a rock. Put 'em back. Not worth it.

Reminds me of PHB PSA, which you all hate apperantly, but still http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcU2-Fm8wVQ&feature=related

>>14798478
It was originally just a gag about the 'elf hands' thing, but it escalated. /tg/ likes awkward situational comedy, I guess.

>>14798514
elves cause cancer

>>14798522
needs a sequel

I have an honest to Gods troll in my precinct. He's kind of dumb but he works hard and he's not that bad considering he's a troll. The kicker is that he carries a damned siege crossbow as standard equipment, man you should see the way the troublemakers in the district scatter when we tell someone to fetch him.

>>14798737
Troll cops. The only time when a warning and a pat on the back sends you to the hospital anyhow.

>>14798737

Yeah, we've got a few troll guards in the Baron's forces. Come in real handy during the annual tax riots. Nothing like a few black-clad brutes built like a brick shithouse and covered in metal plates to get the peasants to shit themselves in fear. Heh.

>>14798400

Spear, arming sword, spiked targe shield, padded gambeson, chain mail, leather brigandine, and usually a dagger or dirk. Some of us have bows for the runners.

I was aloud to keep the pelt of the wolf monster I killed during my adventures, but I have to wear a sash with the Blackwater crest.

>>14798380

Well damn it all. When I got back home to grab a few coppers for the tavern, I noticed that my woman had pointed ears. She must have hid them with an illusion, because I'll be damned if I've seen them before. Didn't say anything, but I'm fairly certain she's only a half-drow, not the full-blooded thing. Skins too light and she's not evil enough.

Does explain why she likes being in change in the bedroom though. Anyway, I'm gonna go grab a mug of ale before my graveyard shift. Someone has to make sure the dead stay dead.

>>14798846
KILL IT! WITH CROSSBOWS!
never trust and elf.
doubly a half-elf
and triply a bloody drow!

>>14798846
can I suggest useing some of your savings to buy some method of poison detection? drow tend to live quite long if nothing kills them and they also are disturbingly fond of pioson. she may honestly be happy with things but if she changes her mind or gets to bored you may find your "divorce" mixed with your meal or drink.

You've gotta keep in mind, clearing out a kobold den or two will do the young'uns good. It's when it gets to their head that they become a problem. I used to be an adventurer. I was a mage, and I kept my nose as clean as was possible. When Treggar (our dwarven barbarian) got into a bar fight, that was my cue to channel a shield on myself and Alia, our priest[ess.] I have never personally caused any guard trouble, and now Alia and I are living quietly in a modest tower outside of Kravenhall. It's the larger-than-life type of guys you wanna look out for.

>>14798944
also somthing to deal with illusions but that seems like it would be more expencive and prone to false alarms as she nodoubt used illusions or some other deception magic to conceal her drowness

How many of you guys have guilds for everything? Like we have a Thieves' Guild that is licensed and allowed to operate in broad daylight of all places. Though the benefit of it is that if you don't have a license from the Guild and rob somebody, you're the Guild's problem.

Psh! "Adventurers", huh? Vagrants, more like. All they do is cause trouble and loot tombs. They don't care for nothin' in the world, and they'll do anything for gold and experience. But it's not like adventurers stay adventurers for long. Give them a few years on the road, and most of them will be dead, a few will be warlords or kings, and the rest will have settled down in quiet comfort.

We have a former hero in our village. Slayed an orc chief in single combat once, he did. Now he grows turnips. Couldn't be happier.

>>>Hey honey! What's going on in this thre-

>>14799035
Truly a brave man

>>14799004

Yeah, I heard that some other countries do that. I don't care for it personally, but what really irks me is that that nonsense is spreading to the Realm. Just the other day I caught a young'un snatching purses in the market. "You can't arrest me," he says, "I'm in the guild!" "What guild?" I say. "The Thieves Guild, of course!" Then he shows me this bit of parchment with a seal and some stupid crap about how the bearer of this seal is a licensed member of the guild of thieves, yada yada. So I threw him in the dungeon for a week to cool off and consider his life choices. Lad wised up after a few days and told me that he'd bought that parchment from Monty the Crooked, bastard's cooked up a new scheme, you see, trickin' fools into buying that stuff thinking they have a license to steal. So me and the boys payed him a visit, took a few fingers off his hand so he can't write any more tripe and cause unrest in the populace.

>>14799004

We've got a few safe houses in Blackwater, but the headquarters are over in Goldwind, the region's main city. The biggest problem is the Shadow Band, a group of viler folk you'll not find within a tenday's hard ride. Thieves mostly, although some are assassins and they cause big problems. The mayor looks the other way, and most of the captains think he's either a member or was bought off. Most we can do is lock 'em up for a few weeks or "accidentally" kill them (or do it on purpose if they "resist").

There's a local Champion's Guild, which is even worse if you ask me. Attracts all sorts of adventurers and so-called heroes.

The Magician's Academy is an alright lot though. Helped us out more than once. Might get my friend Myrddin to look into my lady, see if she's legitimate or just another vile drow bitch.

We've got minotaurs on our force. Honestly, the kind of trouble we see on a regular day, we need guys like them on the force. Ogres, other minotaurs, psycho wizards, it's a miracle the city makes it through the day with guys like that running around. And don't get me started on that big fucking mess with vampires last week.

>>14799004

Our city has a Thieve's Guild AND an Assassin's Guild. Makes my blood boil and I'll tell you why.

Now what I'm about to tell you doesn't leave this table. It could cost me my job. It could even cost me my life. But you guys know what it's like out there. I trust you.

Anyway...

Was patrolling the docks once with my longtime partner Sven when we hear a scream. We start sprinting towards it, swords drawn, ready to levy the King's Justice. Screams got louder.

When you're in the guard, you get acquainted with screams and their subtle variations. There's the scream of delight when a woman sees her man after a long time apart. Screams of ecstasy from pleasure houses. More grisly ones. A scream when a man unused to pain gets a knife wound. The scream of a woman when she sees a dead body. And then there's the scream of someone getting murdered. That scream that day was the murderin' type.

>Takes a long pull from his pint.

So we round the corner, Sven and I, and see these two masked men in black gutting a pregnant teenager with knives, just punching steel into her gut over and over. She's trembling in pain and screaming loud as she can, her guts roping out of her, blood splattering and gushing over the cobblestones.

>>14799283

Like I said, Sven and I had been partners for a long time. Walked the beat together for years. And over pints together after work, you discuss with your partner when is the appropriate time for force. Having different definitions of when that time is could get both of us killed. Sven and me were both veterans, both served our time. We don't like violence if we can avoid it. We like to take prisoners, to ask questions, to get to the bottom of things (much as we can), to give out JUSTICE. We like our manacles more than our swords. Even then, we like to talk down the perps so backup arrives, so we have numbers.

Not that day.

I take the one on the left and bring him down with a stab in the back. Sven beheads the one on the right, swinging his sword like he's playing stickball, More blood in the streets.

She crumpled to the ground and died shortly thereafter. Tried to stop the bleeding with pressure but it was too much.

Check the baddies, turns out they were Guild Assassins.

The advantage of being in the Guard is you know how to hide bodies and clean up a crime scene quickly. Never got brought up on charges, but somehow I think the Guild knows. Sven's dog was murdered last week and his daughter's come down with some odd sickness. As for me, I never eat or drink something that ain't public or been prepared by me. You never know if someone's on the Guild payroll.

>Looks at his beer stein.
>Looks at the barmaid.
>Runs outside, finger already down his throat. Sounds of vomiting on flagstones.

You better believe this thread is archived.

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive.html

A vote for this is a vote for all that is good and pure on /tg/.

Right, so here I am, strugglin' to make a living for myself after the war because every ruler we get offs it in a week and his successor repeals every damn law he makes. So then here comes this big blue dragon, and she's all "Oi, I'm yer new queen, any of you lot got a problem with that?" Well, she had a shitload of treasure, could probably eat me, and had a bunch of these little scaly ponces followerin' her about doin' her bidding so I didn' have any problems. Hell, a stable rulership is good for guards. So, I'm a big guy, don't ask questions, guard the castle for Queen Kalystrihz the Magnificent for a few years, do a pretty good job. Don't see much of her cuz I'm not assigned to be her personal guard, and she mostly acts through intermediaries and shit.

>>14799324
Well, one day, I get promoted to guard the personal vault with a few other guys. and we're just doing are thing, lookin' at all that gold and diamonds and stuff that comes with bein' a queen I guess, when those little scaly buggers start tooting their horns and in waddles the fuckin' queen. I dunno how she did it, but now I know why despite all the cows in the fields y'never see beef in the market. 'pparrently sittin' on your arse having kobolds and sycophants about stuffin' yer face does a real number on a gal. So, she starts rollin' around in her treasure, and man ,she starts gettin' off on it. Was nasty, but this goes on pretty regularly for a while till I get a notice from my superior. Tells me Queenie wants to see me personally. Now, I'm rather worried about this, figurin' she imagined me pocketin' some gold from the vault and wants to eat me. So I go, and the massive bitch is tryin' her best to look seductive, tellin' me that she notes my size and strength (I was the biggest fella in the vault), and expresses her desire to, eh, "couple" with me and spawn a race of half-dragon guys to enforce her will.

>>14799335
Well, she's a lot bigger than me (bigger than most battleships), so I ain't gonna refuse, but I point out that it might be a bit difficult. So, get this, she says "Then I will take the form you find more pleasing" and she turns into a lady-dragon-lady-thing. But like, she's still an awfully fat thing, and I'm "strugglin'" to get my armor off why she's laying there screamin' for me to take her. Caught between a pile a lard and a hard place, and all of a sudden, these adventurer guys burst in and start screamin' and runnin' at her. She freaks out and goes back t'normal, nearly crushin' me, and I slip outta there. 'pparently they called her a tyrant, killed her, looted the place, and left. I pretty much left after that, incase anyone remembers I pretty much abandoned the queen to be murdered, and now I'm workin' for this mill town, guardin' merchants who complain about the price of grain all day. Pays not as good, but it's a lot more tolerable.

>>14798846
Wait you still have a graveyard in that hamlet of yours?

We convinced the city leaders to make cremation obligatory back when will's grandfather was captain was in charge!

No exeptions too, we scrubbed the whole city clean (well the guards back then did) ! Pet corpses? Some noble's ancient crypt? Holy relic that ``would never ever be raised back to unlife``?

Burned them all and chopped the bones to little bits.

Turned the graveyard into a garden. Some creepy old cult decided to leave town, but thats fine with us!

And the look on the face of those shifty necromancer, when they try to resist arrest and cant seem to find a decent corpse in a 4 miles radius.

P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S

Regular guards get leather, a wooden shield and a club. We have spears for ``special occasions``

Sergeants get studded leather, the same shield, short sword, still the spears too.

Then we have elite guards with a real chestplate and helmet deal, an iron shield, swords and halberds. We have a better looking uniform too.

Elite captains have scale armor and an even better looking uniform but appart from that they have the same equipment as your average elite guard.

>>14799288

Ye gods, I'm glad our latest captain dispensed with all that guild nonsense.

"Guilds you call it? Legal crime I calls it" he said. Some noblemen came down to tell him that no the guilds were in fact condoned by them.

They realized quickly that the guard liked it's new captain more than them.

It was a rough couple of weeks while we brought the assassin's guild down. Black Lotus they called themselves. The raid was optional. Not a single man said no (Was proud of them that day). We probably didn't get them all, but we sure as hell made it hard for them to work in this town.

I work canine. My partner is Rufus, a five year old Dwarfish Sheepdog. Best partner a guard can ask for. Loyal, fearless, will watch your back. No, he can't talk like a wizard's familiar and he can't fly or cast spells. But he'll sniff out magic and narcotics like a champion and bite that minotaur's scrotum as a distraction.

>>14799360

Say what you will about adventurers, but sometimes they have their uses. I'm a professional trainer - contractual, mind, since it pays better than a guardsman's wage - and I was doing some work in a big port town out east. Damned if I can remember the name. Muaril? Moalri? Bah.

Anyway, I get a nice cushy contract from the local Baron and I get to training the recruits. These kids barely knew which end of the truncheon to hold, but by the Gods, I was whipping them into shape in good time. It was proud work: I got to see those punks grow into proper guards, and there's nothing quite so satisfying as having the officer that picks you up for public intoxication call you "Sarge" and turn you loose with nothing more than a friendly wink. Good times.

The downside was that this city had an Assassin's guild. One of them old, powerful ones, contacts in the nobility and everything. The Baron wouldn't let anyone touch them seeing as he was their best customer, so we kept losing good men and women to those slimy rats. The chief would send out a couple of promising lads to investigate a simple alleyway stabbing, and they'd just up and disappear. We never had any proof, but we knew it was them dogfucking bastard Assassins.

>>14799464
See this is where you go and get good adventurers, or loot-obsessed ones.

Send them to fuck up the assassin's guild. Not only will the guild be more or less cleared out, the remnents will focus on the adventurers instead.

so what would the /tguards look like?

>>14799496

>>14799464

Tell me about it. The Assassin's guild here is monstrous. Buying out all the local businesses, deeply entrenched with the other big guilds (Thieves, Courtesans, and Mercenaries mostly). Murdering public officials in broad daylight, starting fistfights in lover's quarrels they have no interest in. They even rip down the flyers us Guard put up with their faces on it to decrease their notoriety. Sure, they play it off by becoming patrons of the arts, purchasing public landmarks, dressing in fancy clothes, cleaning up and renovating old parts of the city. I hear some even throw coins on the street! But they ain't afraid of no repercussions, ain't afraid of nothing. These white-wearing bastards leaping from rooftop to rooftop even makes games of jumping from high places into hay-bales. Rory got murdered by some Assassin pigfucker hiding in a hay-bale. Left behind a young widow and two kids.

I hate those shitstains.

>>14799496

We're all different based on our cities and their needs. You walk a tough beat, you carry a bigger stick, if you catch my drift. If you're a country man, a truncheon and a calming voice is probably all you need.

>>14799464

My boys got more and more disgruntled about it until finally there was talk of a vigilante rebellion. A lot of them wanted to march on the Guild headquarters and burn it down. Well, the chief and I barely kept them under control, up until the lad who'd argued the most strongly in favour of the plan - Borid, stout dwarven fellow - was found dead in the privy with a snide little note from the Guildmaster.

I tell you, it was utter pandemonium. First and only time I've ever seen the GUARDS riot! The Baron sent out his private army, all mercenaries and sellswords, but my lads gave a damn sight better than they got. I fought alongside 'em, of course, seeing as they was my boys and I was tired of watching 'em get picked off to please some fat fucking noble.

We was almost to the Guild hall, starting to lose men to poisoned arrows and othersuch Assassin cowardice, when this pretty elven lass in shining plate armour trots up as carefree as you please. Damnedest thing - it just gets real quiet all of a sudden, and the clouds break apart and everything's all bright and calm.

She asks for the leader, and I get pointed out on account of the chief got killed by a crossbowman. The lass introduces herself as a "servant of justice" and asks why we was rioting and disturbin' the peace. I retorted that if she really gave a damn about justice, she'd help us burn that damned hall, and the Baron's manner while she was at it.

>>14799517
town /tguards, naturally...

>>14799543

Well, she got real quiet for a moment and then started asking questions. Had this intensity to her... I seen a lot of men come back from war with their souls all broken, and this was a little like that, only... different, somehow. Like she came out of a war with her soul all scarred and hardened. I was afraid of her - yeah, I ain't ashamed to say it, she scared the piss out of me. I answered all her questions, honest as sunshine.

Then she looks around and says, "go home." So, me and the boys go home, 'cause anyone what stops a civil war just by showin' up is out of our league. Next day, the Assassin's guild is empty. Not burned or sacked, just gone, no blood or violence. There were still embers in the hearths and half-eaten meals on the tables. It was like they was all snatched up by the gods themselves.

Later, the Baron came out all pale and made some announcements. Dismissed his private army, outlawed the Assassin's guild, and put a whole lot of gold into all sorts of bleeding-heart stuff like orphanages and schools. Nobody could ever figure out what that elf did to him, but damned if it wasn't effective.

I still wonder where that girl went to. I'm not the type to get sentimental over gods or crusades or nothing, but I could see her being the kind of leader I'd serve on principle. Some things just move you to your core, you know?

>>14799522

>>14799540

Most of the town guards I've trained use truncheons or short swords. Sometimes you'll get some fancy royal guard or "response unit" member, and they mostly use spears and longswords. Ask me, that's a waste of good iron.

When I'm hired on to run drills, I train all the recruits in fisticuffs and quarterstaff fighting before starting on anything else. You can't break up a brawl 'less you're comfortable trading busted noses, and learnin' to trade blows with the staves helps the boys learn to understand their weapons and use them wisely. A guard oughta be skilled and disciplined, but rough and ready at the same time.

One noble wanted me to train all his lads to fight with rapiers. Rapiers! As if them fucking things would be any use against a prison riot! I ended up doing it, but I privately taught the men some nasty knife-fighting tricks, too. Way I hear it, them rapiers is a badge of rank, now; none of the guards in that town ever draw 'em. I taught those boys well.

All adventurers are criminal scum. The worse part is how cocksure they are. Once, one of walked right up to me and tried to start a conversation. I was having none of it. I knew immediately he was a dirty thief and confiscated his stolen goods. It was a shame he paid his fine or else he would had been off to jail. Nobody steals an apple on my watch.

>>14794712
Wait, wait, wait.... Elves live ten times as long as humans. And their childhood maturations take ten times as long. So wouldn't the pregnancy take ten times as long too? The baby wouldn't show up until, what, seven and a half years later. Even assuming we average the gestations due to it only being a half elf, we're looking at 4 years and some change. A human guard could be married with a family by then, or moved to a different nation, or dead by some random encounter.

>>14799671
>Implying you can't fuck someone up and badly with a rapier

>>14799845
>And their childhood maturations take ten times as long.
Not any more.
>So wouldn't the pregnancy take ten times as long too?
Even if the above were still true, this really doesn't follow.

>>14799845
thats only if they scale up porportionatly in relation to humans. I can see no reason for that and many reasons against it. if you want i will give them.

>>14799887
>Implying a rapier is terribly useful in a chaotic battle between multiple participants
>Implying it wouldn't make more sense to arm the town guards with, say, maces so that they could beat down riots without having to play Zorro with a few hundred shit-covered peasants

>>14799887
>>14799915
>One noble wanted me to train all his lads to fight with rapiers. Rapiers! As if them fucking things would be any use against a prison riot!

if you read carefully hes saying rapiers are shitty weapons for guards and traind them in more useful skills they now rely on instead of rapiers

>>14799671
Well I can see where you are coming from but I dont quite agree.

The way I see it, me and the boys are worth the extra expense and ``good iron`` when some nasty shit starts happening.

When some drunk barbarian starts wrecking stuff at the local bar they dont call for the nightwatch.
It sure as hell aint old Grovie and his gate watcher who go down in the sewers to kill mutants.
As for Bill and his nightwatch, aint a month that goes by without then waking us up in the middle of the night to go hunting vampires and weirder stuff.

We get all the shit and I'm glad we have our halberds handy when we do.

>>14799522
Then maybe you shouldn't be one of those BORGIA BITCHES!

>>14799961
dude he was a guard before they came around, what choice des he have?

>>14799915

The original purpose of a rapier was as a self-defense weapon for fighting unarmored opponents in civilian environments. It is very well suited to fighting off a pack of thieves, much more so than a knife.

>>14799915
>>14799939
I got that. Rapiers are light, extremely fast and upon their introduction were perfectly suited to battlefield use (including slashing) as well as civilian combat. They are fine weapons for guards.

>>14800000
>>14799998

>They are fine weapons for guards.

Sure, if they're Oblivion guards who immediately kill anyone who doesn't come quietly. Any guard worth his salt carries a truncheon and rarely needs anything else. If shit gets so bad that you need to formulate an armed response en masse, your guards can head down to the garrison and grab some spears or longswords. The rapier doesn't fill a single role that isn't either irrelevant to a town guard or better filled by another weapon.

>>14799915
Hey new guy jumping in here and overheard the shitstorm about rapiers, well in my game setting takes influence from late 15th century going into 16th so yeah rapiers are common with the nobility but calvary,army abd navy use sabers/ cutlasses while town gaurds carry cut and thrust swords.

Cut and thrust swords look like raviers with the thin cross guard and wire baskit hand guard but they have broader blades and are a bit shorter. You in essence use them as a traditional medieval arming sword for hacking and slashing but favors stabbing.

However, for "Nonleathal" work with peasants, they do carry what I will call light maces Heavy wood clubs with a couple metal knobbed bands at the top and a skull cracker metal cap on the bottom of the grip. However believe it or not, and this is where it gets more fantasy....all guards carry and are expertly trained in bull whips. Great for scarrying crowds and acting as hand cuffs.

>>14799522

Tell me about it. The Shadow Band bought off all the beggars. We do our best to arrest those hobos for public drunkenness just to keep the eyes and ears of the streets off the streets.

>>14799344

Unfortunately we do. Blackwater used to be an old barbarian spiritual ground and the majority of the folk that live here are their descendants. Can't do anything to "anger the spirits" around here.

>>14800027

See this? this is a schiavona. It was designed first and foremost as a guards' weapon (the Duke's guards in 16th century Venice, to be precise). A nice heavy basket hilt you can use as a metal fist to "subdue" an unruly suspect, combined with a broadsword's blade for when (puts on sunglasses) shit gets real.

>>14799035
Problem, brown elf?

>>14800115

Very nice. I forgot about that weapon and now I remember that I love it. It's similar to the Scottish basket-hilt claymore if I'm not mistaken (I'm no weapons expert).

>>14800115
yeah but he prolly meant those fancy-pants foils or thin thingies the nobility likes to wave around

Holy shit, guys. Never let adventurers hire you to guard their shit. The very day after they had hired me we had somehow ended up at that land to the east, y'know. That land full of crap that wants to kill you.

>>14800152

Aye, it's an irritating thing about the word "rapier". Historically it can refer to everything from needle-thin foils to a four pound bilbo you could use to chop firewood.

No, the irritating thing about the word "rapier" is how it attracts all the mouth breathers who ignore the context that the rapier being referred to is almost always the civilian duelling weapon.

>>14800298
Which is nevertheless, with it's fast blade and heavy basket hilt, a completely adequate weapon for urban self-defense.

>>14798267

No, no, no. That never works.

One time, my buddies and I were off-duty, and we found a drow witch who thought she could get away with traipsing through Athkatla unnoticed. We set up a bonfire and were about to get cooking when this wet-behind-the-ears adventuring party comes out of nowhere and butchered us with magic.

I'm lucky the Temple of Ilmater owed me some favors, else I'd still be a puddle of human jelly. Next time I see a drow, I'll stab her first, burn her later.

>>14800341
I see what you did there.

>>14800315

Guards are not supposed to be equipped for urban self-defense. They do not get mugged. They travel in groups to crush criminals and possibly dissenters, ideally by subduing them and bringing them to the pokey to be interrogated, incarcerated, and lawfully executed if necessary.

A guy who wanders around town with a sword chopping the fuck out of anyone who makes trouble is more militiaman than guard. If you're outfitting soldiers, fine, but it's moronic to wade into a tavern brawl with lethal weapons and not expect it to escalate incredibly fast.

tl;dr: If you're more interested in detainment-based policing, use a bludgeon. If you're more interested in summary execution, go ahead and use a blade, but you're only a guardsman in the sense that modern junta thugs are "military police."

>>14800528

Modern police carry pistols. That's not exactly a non-lethal weapon.

>>14800669
they also carry tazers and night sticks

>>14800669
They also carry batons, pepper spray, handcuffs, zipties, and often tasers. The gun only, ONLY comes out when the officer concludes that it is highly likely that he has no alternative to lethal force. In most parts of most developed nations, a police officer must later complete a lengthy report every time his gun leaves its holster on patrol, regardless of whether it's discharged, to ensure that he's only using it as a last resort.

Also, beat cops in some countries don't carry guns at all.

>>14800669
they also carry batons, peper spray and tazers. which do you think they use more?

>>14800715

In my setting this applies to magical law enforcement; mages that bring law-breaking mages to justice. Every time they cast a spell they need to write it up afterwards. Ensures they cast for a good reason.

>>14800788

Sounds like Shadowrun to me.

>>14800805

It's a fantasy setting, but there's a large city where mages rule. They also police all mages since all the academies of magic are located in that city and it's not taught anywhere else. I had several NPCs written up for Magical Enforcement.

Such as Eldyrion, an elf named after a legendary warrior from his homeland. Sadly, any similarities end with the name. He's a fat, lazy slob who prefers sitting on his ass in the precinct to fieldwork (that's why he likes scrying). But he's not all bad; he knows his district, and he can get people to talk. Unlike many of the guard in that city, he's not on the take. Pretty good shot with the bow, too. Especially his personal, enchanted one (true aim).

Okay, guys, okay. *stifles a laugh*

So, this afternoon I was out with my buddy Ajax, you know that half-elf fighter from the Empire? Well, we were out lookin' for evidence related to our buddy's death last week, and thought to ourselves, 'Hey, they have evidence at the guard station. Let's look there.'

Only problem was there was a guard in there doin' what they do. So, I totally glibnessed the shit out of him. Told him I was the new guard captain, and he totally bought it! *Uncontrolled laughter*

We raided the evidence chest and by the time we left I had the poor guy take off his uniform and wash it in the tub outside on the street! It was amazing. *Continues laughing*

>>14800901
...hey guys, do you think we could start some sort of pool or fund we all contribute to for hiring someone to kill these basterds? The ones with illusion or mindcontroling magic who use it to humiliate people and destroy their lives.

>>14800901
you do realize your standing in the bar used for the 5 citys guard meetup right?

So there I was, mindin me own business, watching the gates on my podunk little town, when what rolls up but a fecking army?! I'm talking close to a hundred fuckers wearing bigass swords and armor, led by some warlord-looking chucklenugget in concealing full plate, wearing a cape, with a court wizard in tow, and all this other hoo-ha. I freak the fuck out and close the gates, and the entire militia gets organized to fight off whoever decided to invade Bumfuck City of Nowhere. But then...oh, I could not believe my fucking ears...but then, Mister Warlord shouts up to let him in, he's an adventurer, looking to sell his loot! I laugh him down, saying I wasn't born yesterday, and ask why he's bringing an army with him, then.
He stops, and goes real quiet for a second, then says...get this...he says, 'Why, they are my loyal followers and cohorts! They go everywhere with me! They're harmless!'
Right...yeah. Hundred dudes in armor and all that...harmless. The mayor jumps in and has me open the gates...and the fuckers are -still- partying and carrying on and drinking everything in sight. Fucking adventurers!

>>14801217

I'll drink to that!

I love /tg/

<3

I was told to stand here and guard the "Forth Wall," but I don't know which wall that is! And how can a wall go forth, anyway? I thought that was a Heroes-Only sort of thing.

>>14801217
Oh, and it gets better. Oh lords does it get better. This warlord chucklenugget, as it turns out, was the one who wiped out G'Daruk, the goblin city down south in the mountains. Now, I'll be the first to admit, G'Daruk was hardly a paradise, what with the slave caste and the pillaging, and all that, but they left most humans alone and just fought with the dwarves over patches of mountain a goat'd fall off of.
These adventurers, not a dwarf among them, mind, heard about all this, decided out of nowhere that this would not stand and went and slaughtered the lot of them! Down to the last goblin child! Then they had the nerve to ask the dwarves for a reward! Now, the dwarves are savvy fuckers, and thought fast, and palmed off a lot of gold coins to the adventurers, and invited them to drink in 'the longhouse of heroes' they'd just set up.
So they get the adventurers set up, and start bleedin em dry of the gold they just got given, charging a golden sov for a drink, instead of two copper royals! And 3 sovs for a bloody peanut bowl! And the dumb fuckers fall for it! They spent everything they'd been given, and more besides, and the dwarves just bugger off with all the money once the adventurers pass out.
Then these adventurers, clever sods they are, decide to tackle the legendary Mind Flayer city of EEEEE. Of course they don't clear it out, it's the fucking Legendary City of EEEEE, named for its discoverer's terrified squealing as he ran like a bitch, but they kill enough mind flayers to replenish their funds, and start a slave uprising, before running here to spend their shit.
And of course the EEEEEites are stirred up, and we'll be facing flayer raids to get more slaves, and lords know what else they stirred up in the mountains. Dwarves won't do shit, I know that, just hole up in their forts and send a ballista bolt up the ass of whatever bothers them, so my job will be...'fun' for a while now.
Seriously...fucking adventurers!!!

>>14802805
remember the fish-man city og GLOOOOP?
had their temples raided n shit and they policemen cut down by "adventurers".
Buggerit! At any day we can have aquatic monstrosoties here pillaging our temples and killin' US cus our gods are "dark an' evul, oooh!"

>>14802863
Oh, don't even get me fucking started there. This whole 'cosmological battle between good and evil' shit always makes me drink. I don't claim to be a fucking paladin, mind, I just pay my taxes, work for my city, watch out for my family and neighbors, but I sure as hell don't stir up shit with people who are minding their own business just 'because they're evil, woo!'
What kind of mindset is that? I ask you. Not stirring up shit with people minding their own business is just common fucking sense. Too bad no adventurers seem to have it.

>>14802917
and who the hell decides who is evil?
sure the fish men sacrefice fish-people to their gods, but only criminals.
and we hang criminals!
whats the difference? is some palading gonna kick down my door and take my stuff? leaving me with a smoten head in my own hands?

>>14802923
Apparently someone does, because all those adventurers agree. Granted, the fuckers seem brain-damaged as hell after a while, and just forget how to follow basic social norms.
I remember a few years back, some elf bitch strutted into town. Not unusual, we're near enough to the forests that the elves are out here now and again, but this bitch was wearing what I swear was a leather harness, a pair of boots, and a cape.
Everything flapping in the breeze, like, and I don't mean the cape. So naturally, one of the younger, dumber boys comes onto her and asks how much for a hayroll. The bitch turned him into a fucking frog! Just like that! She changed him back, mind, right before she left, but poor old Johnny still catches himself hopping from place to place now and again.

I used to hate adventurers, that was before our good Baron Ritec replaced his incompetent halfwit of a father. The baron's father had a bit of a falling out with the king, so he wasnt much inclined to send us any aid after adventurers burned our town for the third time. Ritec decided to movec the town right on top of this damned lich's tomb. We all thought he was insane, we damn near stringed him up till he let us in on his plan.

Ya see, aint no one every gone in to that tomb and come out alive. What do adventurers love more than anything? Tombs of course.

He figured they would be so excited about it that they wouldnt spend hardly any time in the town and go galloping straight in to their deaths. Right after they stocked up on "adventuring gear" of course, all sold at a hundred times actual cost. I never thought it would work. I mean who is stupid enough to think a few feet of rope costs an entire gold piece? Horses dont often go for that sum.

Good thing I was wrong though, our biggest problem nowadays is hiding all the damn gold we bring in. It sure put the baron back in the king's favor though, I've heard tell of him consulting Ritec on a plan to set up a city near some underground mountain or something.

>>14802973
Now I'm not a VERY modest man, but PLEASE, show some decency! s' all I'm saying...*sniff*
*spit*
ever noticed how elves seem to be wearing as little (and tightly) as possible?
youd think them being so soft would freeze easily...
and where the hell do they get all those dyes in the forest? blue and purple... I dunno...

>>14799004

We have a Thieves' Guild, but it's really just a front operation for the Accountants' Guild. I still don't know if it means they're legal, or just think they're legal, or...what.

Whole damn thing just confuses me, but the Seneschal says they're all hands-off, so it's none of my jur-ass-diction.

very late night drawfagging
just a wee sketch... sleep now. hope thread is alive tomorrow

However civilized they might look, those damn assassins should be run out of any town they show up in. All that killing, hanging around in dark clothes, only working at night... soon or later they'll end up getting all culty. Worshipping some ghost or death goddess or something, and suddenly these trained murderers start killing for fun instead of for money.

And then it's guardsmen like you and me who has to go run them out of the sewers and other secret hiding places they've got themselves holed up in.

"I fucking hate this job.

At least when I was with Lone Star I was somebody. The Star may have it's rough edges but we were one big, happy family and we did our jobs. Everyone was your best friend. The crooks who could pay up were kept in line, the ones that couldn't got a one-way ticket to Silcox Island.

Messy but it worked.

Then Brackhaven up and pulls the plug and I've got a choice. Relocate to fucking Dallas, or resign and start over with Knight Errant. I had two kids in college and keeping my paycheck sounded nice, but dammit we've lived our whole lives in Seattle. How bad can Knight Errant be, I wondered.

Boy was I in for a nasty surprise.

Knight Errant is everything I ever hated rolled up into one nasty pile of shit. Not a second goes by that you don't have to kiss some ARES Corporate Suit's ass. Oh, and Knight Errant are supposed to be "respectable" cleaning up the mess Lone Star left behind and all that shit. What does this mean in practice? No corruption unless the big boys get a slice.

On top of that shit, you still have to worry about all the same crap from Shadow scum. Always having to worry that your next call will run you up against some cybered-up Troll who moves so fast you can't even see him until after he takes your head off.

Jesus, where do these fuckers even GET this shit? Sometimes I swear the Corps are selling this shit to criminals on PURPOSE.

Well, that's it for my donut break. Back to work."

Barkeep, give these boys and girls a round on me. Keep the stories flowing, friends!

Used to be a soldier out east for awhile. See the world, and all that jazz.

Well, the baron I served under, Lord Nishkin was his name, used to have a huge hardon for those assassin types. You know, the ones that weren't too friendly with the "official" guild. They were some creepy bastards, I tell ya. Every night, the fucks would slinking back into camp, covered in mud, sweat, and viscera.

One night, with me and my old pal Kaiser, rest his bones, were on watch when the bloody bastards come slinking up to us, grins splitting their vile countenances. One of the bigger ones, a half-ogre from what I remember, tosses this corpse at us, the damn thing still leaking blood and trailing the poor bloke's entrails.

With the cheekiest fucking voice imaginable, tells us to remember to look harder next time. Turns out, the corpse they got was one of us, going out to take a piss!

I ain't proud of the stuff I did in the army, but I can say that whatever I did there, those assassin fucks are ten times worse.

And now, the Captain of our little guard garrison is petitioning for a Guild of the fucks to be formed!

I tell ya, the day I work with those shits is the day I start a rebellion.

We've had a group of adventurers hanging around here lately. At first I thought they were one of the rare helpful groups, right? Helped us break a siege, then actually tracked down the greenskin army and torched their camp, or so I'm told.

But then there was that incident in the crypts...now, y'see, there's somethin' funny about the boneyard in this city, so we get undead popping up on their own pretty regularly. I heard from a priest once that it's cuz the 'yard is just so godsdamned big, that much death in one place messes with the boundaries between planes or some such. Anyway, it's usually just a few zombies and such, nothing the guard can't handle, but a few months back we got some mummies popping up out of a nobleman's family mausoleum, so rather than sending the hardworking rank-and-file to their nearly certain doom, we figgered we may as well put these adventurers to good use.

So what'd they do? They fucking burned down the mausoleum! 'Parently it was only stone on the outside, with the structure held up by timbers, and when they left the boneyard there was naught but a pile of ash and rubble!

Worst part of it is, there's a clause in godsdamned city charter that says they don't have to pay for the damage! Whoever put that in there should be hanged, for Pelor's sake. Why should the city have to pay hundreds of gold pieces because a gang of uppity adventurers can't keep a handle on their fancy spells? It's not like the adventurers can't afford it, what with all the shiny magical trinkets they're always hauling around. I swear, it's like the whole damn world revolves around the little pricks...

I tells ya', I love adventurers. I really don't see what y'all's prob'em is wit em. What i likes most about em? The looks on their faces.

Take Lefty for instance. I don't know his real name. Some muckity-muck lord's son from a kingdom ten leagues from anywhere civilized. Not that it matters. He comes struttin' inta town one day, Bold as y'please. We didn't pay him no mind, we could see he was loaded. Like dey all do, he headed straight to Ol' Marty's, the tavern. Well, he bellies up to the bar and starts ordering drinks an food. Ol' Marty's happy as a clam, since he's got a nice pigeon to gouge on prices.

Well, the day wears on an' Lefty gets a few too many drinks in 'im. Starts wanderin' town, stumblin into shops as the shopkeeps are gettin' ready to close up for the night. Most of em jes let im' buy whatever he was lookin fer at triple the reg'lar price. Well, he started raisin a stink bout the prices. And we started keepin' closer to him as he wandered, jes on princ'pul.

Now, the sun were set an' we was gettin ready to escort him back to Marty's fer the evenin' and bed him down, or drop him in the drunk tank if he wanted to make a fuss, when he just up and slugs Muddy the blacksmith. Seems he didn't like muddy not unlockin' the shop fer him after hours. We step in and hold Muddy back. See, he were a Guard in his youth and knew how to take a punch and give a few back. I step up to talk Lefty down when' he starts rantin' about how we should show hi respec', cause he's a "pee see" and he could whoop us all. Well, I just put out mah hand to demand he hand over his pig-sticker (silliest piece ah' steel I ever saw, flimsy with a wierd curve an a bunch a scrawlin on the blade), and he goes and slugs me too, smirkin like he'd jes killed me or somethin. So I take out my mace and break his arm with it while he's shoutin at the other guards. He jus stands there dumbfounded, babblin about how I couldna done that, since i weren't no kinda 'real fighter'.

>>14805368

Son, let me ask, you ever known a guardsman that couldn't fight? Didn't think so. I been bustin skulls and keepin the peace for damned near twenty years. Some young punk half my age off chasin pixies in the woods thinks he knows ore 'bout fightin than me? He'd better keep his opinion in his pants.

So I haul him off to the drunk tank, splint his arm up, and lock him in for the night. Snug as y'please. Let him loose in the mornin.

Next day, there's a stink at Marty's. Seems Lefty got it in his head to slink out without payin his bar tab the previous night, and Marty was hangin' on to his gear what to make sure he paid up. Lefty'd gotten his arm fixed up at the temple, and he was fit to be tied. Screamin' bout how he wuz be'in cheated. Marty held the room for 'im all night, kept the local pickpockets and thieves away from his stuff. T'ain't Marty's fault Lefty couldn't hold his licker and had to sleep it off in the tank. Well, lefty gets louder, Marty sends for us, and there we was, standoff'in with some addle-brained sod who thought traipsin through the wilderness qualified him to not pay his debts. Well, Lefty draws his sword and starts rantin' bout how he coulda killed everyone in the village without a sweat if'n he'd wanted to. I stepped up, drawin' my mace jes like last night, figured he'd need his memory jogged, when he took a lunge at Marty.

>>14805378

Now, Marty ain't so small. Grew up on a farm, and he' been choppin firewood since he was knee-high. Used to fight off th' wolves that came for his pappy's sheep when he was bigger, and evench'lly oved closer t' town to open the inn. That funny sword ah' Lefty's bit deep, I'll tell yah. Opened a deep cut in Merty's ribs. Swift as y'please, Marty reaches back, grabs the ol' wood axe from behind the bar and brings it down, takin' lefty's hand off at the wrist. My mace to the back o' his head finished the job. We took em both to the temple, use what were left o' lefty's funds to heal Marty up, right as rain, but just sealed off Lefty's stump. Figured he tried to steal his debt from Marty, and losin a hand is the least punishment available to an attempted murderer. Marty kept the sword, too. Hangs it above the bar as a trophy. Quite the conversatin' piece, and pointing to it keeps the peace when things get rowdy. Sold off the rest of his junk, too. Ran him out of town the next day when the judge cleared it.

But yeah. I loves adventurers. I loves the looks on their faces when they realize that we ain't just hollow shells for them to push around.

Lefty's hand? Sold it to a travellin necromancer, said he knew a 'glory hole' that could turn a tidy profit up in Waliceberg, whatever that means.

You haven't seen a thing until you've worked the beat in Greywall, tell you what. I mean, sure, being part of the Flayer Guard gets you a lot of prestige and such, but I've never really felt comfortable having a Mind Flayer as my boss. Yeah, yeah, all for the strengh of Droaam, I get that, but by my ancestors' horns it still doesn't sit well.

Worst part? The Little Greywall district. Nothing but goblins and kobolds and the occasional gnome or halfling fugitive from out east. You know. The 'small people'. Ever try getting to a crime scene when everything's built for someone maybe a third your size? And while most of the locals are nice folk, those Redcap gang bastards will kill anyone taller than four feet.

Makes a 'taur think about quitting and heading east. I hear Daask can get you good jobs in Sharn.

>>14795627
If you're still boning that Chinese girl, have her paint herself blue for you.

Mind you point out what you want, though, lest she do herself up as a Na'vi or a Smurf.

Anyway, this is some good thread right here. Keep 'em coming.

It was my first day on the force and I was following the Sergeant around getting a feel for the area when out of nowhere a wizard and his buddies appeared in the middle of town.

Out of thin air I tell ya!

Now, we folk in Breton don't much like sorcerers and witches and whatnot, bad magic that is. So Sarge draws his sword and tells the wizard and his friends to get the hell out of town or he'll call in backup. The wizard smirked and muttered some mumbo jumbo and all of a sudden Sarge was a dog. The wizard and his friends started laughing, but that's when Sarge ran up and bit the skinny bugger right in the groin.

The wizard's burly fighter friend tried to kill Sarge, but a few other guards that heard the commotion came over and broke up the fight. Unfortunately we weren't able to break the curse and now the guard has a vicious dog on the force as well.

Some of us prefer it that way actually.

>>14802805
Aye, that's th' worst of it, when adventurers drag their harebrained problems back ta' town with 'em. Th' other week we had a hell of a commotion, with godsdamned assassins all over th' city. Seems whatever these adventurin' bastards had been up to, they pissed somebody off sumthin' fierce, and so there was gangs o' assassins in all o' th' upscale inns where these bastards was stayin'. Oh, th' adventurers took care of th' assassins right quick, but one o' th' groups took out half the godsdamned inn with their spellery. No sense o' restraint, an' that's a fact. And ta top it all off, they not only refused to pay for th' damage, but actually had th' gall ta come ta US and ask us ta reimburse th' innkeep! Said they'd done him an' us a FAVOR by killin' th' assassins.

And ya wanna know th' best part? We lost our own dear old captain (gods rest 'is soul) to the assassins that night. 'parently whoever th' adventurers pissed off figgered out that th' adventurers had gotten a few odd jobs from us early on and decided ta target th' city guard too.

I tell ya, adventurin' types bring nothin' but trouble in their wake. Aye, they have plenty o' coin, and spend it freely, but their gold ain't worth half th' problems it brings with it.

Funny thing about town guards, every time I ask their names they just respond.

"Town Guard" or "Legionnaire" or just "Guard"

Holy shit, Guard family must have biggest family branch known to man branching various sentient species.

This thread is a shining example of how /tg/ is the best board on 4chan. I'd use a polite sage for being off-topic, but this thread deserves to be on page 0 as much as possible.

>>14805682
Oh...mages...mages. I told you about the elf slut earlier, but don't even get me started on the male ones! They're always old men with beards you could lose a goat in, and they're dirty old men to boot. Pinching girl's butts, twinkling, and Charming them when they inevitably look to get slapped. If I see one more barmaid with a bastard kid because a Wizard got too free with the mind control, I swear I will kill the fucking wizard...or at least demand he pay child support, the freeloading son of a bitch.

>>14805698

You think that's where it stops? Then you're gullible. You ever hear of a guardsman with a family? I don't. See, the way I figure, they're not even human, or demihuman, they're some sort of shapeshifters. Possibly they reproduce asexually, or maybe someone, somewhere, is MAKING them.

Kinda makes you wonder what they're being made for, doesn't it? And hey, they're everywhere. And everyone trusts them...

>>14805698
T'aint a family, son. It's a trade name foundlings take up. You know how it goes, someone gets a kid out of wedlock, they don't want it, no one knows what to do with it, they dump it in front of a trade hall. Except some poor bastard kids get dumped in front of the guardhouse! We take em in, sure, sure, it's traditional, and raise em up. About a third end up adventurers, the troublemakers and the idiots, you know how it goes, and then the rest become guards. Some of me best friends are foundlings...poor sons of bitches don't know any other life, but hey, not their fautl.

>>14805747
Now you're just talking crazy, son. I have a family. Wife, daughter, and a son who wants to follow in my footsteps...or become an adventurer, gods forbid. We're just normal folks doing our job, no need to talk crazy-like.

We had a old outhouse, I can't even remember in which century the bloody fing was cleaned propa'. Our tavern' has a troll chef y' see, so people often get the runs and it smells real bad too.

So one of those pointy hatted fellers dressed in red comes in our taverns, most of me patrol watch the guy as he was one of those "mah-gi-cians". We told the fella not to eat in the tavern but he did.

So couple hours later, 'fter he 'ad the chef special stew (Gods know what in these things I could've sworn something tried to grab me from the soup when I tried) he had the squirts real bad, he couldn' focus either.

Me our boys knew what was up and tried real hard to stop the feller, but he just had to. Nearly burnt the face off the rookie, but thats the least he got.

Y'see when he finally got to the shitter, something when terribly off. I was far away but all I could see was a shit-brown cloud in the distance and various gizmos the feller had on 'im.

Wierd day that.

>>14805793

All of which wear one of those funny helmets I hear. One is born a guard as they say.

They sense crime everywhere, even if that demented lady accidentaly picks up the taverns spoon hordes of town guard run to the scene in unison screaming.

They all look alike. Always. Without fail.

>>14805747
>>14805698
Don't be daft, ye idjits. Halfa th' guards in any given township or city are foundlings, like >>14805769 said, or the children ah' such. Ever think on why most sons uv blacksmiths got the last name o' "Smith"?

But i tells ya, even those of us who ain't from a line oh guards or foundlings, we don't like having every tin-pot-paladin or or addle-brained hedge wizard knowin' who we are. When we're on duty, We're guards, an' that's it. we keep our professional lives separate from our home lives. You think me' wife wants to deal with every sod I ever bounced into a drunk tank showin' up and trashin' my home? To say nothin' of them hoo-doo hucksters. Everyone knows not to let yer name slip to a wizard ye don' trust. They'll hex yeh up and down, make it so you can't spit without singin or pee from yer ass or some such nonsense. No, first thing every guard gets drilled inta him is to keep his mouth shut and his name locked tight. When we's on duty, We's Guardsmen, and nothin' else, and yeh can call us Sir if'n you need to call us at all.

>>14805698
They're like the Jenny and Joy families from Pokemon.

>>14805809
Are you sure you didn't have this type of troll?

>>14805964

So they HAVE to be related! Those darned guards must've been those eksperiments or somesuch those court wizzads do.

Dey mysteriously knows wot everyone is doing and where is doin'.

>>14805971

It was a troll, troll sah. The inkeeper is a ol' lady with bad eyesight.

So there I was in Sigil, in the Brothel for Slaking Intellectual Lusts. Say what you like but experience truly is the most precious treasure, and if you're bored you can always watch Lady Fall-From-Grace's.... ahem. Anyway, there I was, relaxing as I usually do, when this scarred bastard walks in. Now, you know me, I'm not one to interfere, but after talking to the Lady for a bit he goes running around the place, talking to everyone, including me. I tell him, I don't know anything useful, talk to someone else, and I go upstairs. In a few minutes the bastard comes up and uses every damn sensory stone in the place, and I have to stand in line for over an hour because the guy paid for all of them at once.
Some people just don't have the good sense to drop dead, is all I'm saying.

>>14806030

Hey, I'm not buying this! Sigil doesn't have any guardsmen, unless you're talking about the Harmonium, but they're just a bunch of right thugs in my mind, and no guardsman would be able to afford a trip to Sigil!

How'd you sneak into GuardCon, adventurer scum?!

Look, lads, its called a Bodyguard. You get paid much better, the risk of stabbity death isn't much higher if you pick your client right, and you get more days off.
Besides, I was born in Sigil.

>>14806438

Oh a BODYGUARD, eh? I bet you're some sort of half-breed, and you probably have class-levels. We're on to you.

>>14806532
Class levels?! Thats it, why don't you come on down here you scumsucking elflusting adventurekisser!

>Play homebrew game in the Hitchhikers Guide universe
>Playing rogueish earthling who was kidnapped by grey aliens, he was a high-up IRS worker/ bureaucrat type guy on earth
>My GM was pretty lenient about shit, allowed shit if it made sense to the flavor of the books
>Sneak through vortigon homeworld
>Get in some trouble
>Vortigon guards capture us.
>Use forgery skill and wits, manage to get the vortigon's information. Forge some documents--the vortigon's arrest warrants. I force them to let us go, as they can't arrest someone while under arrest, and turn themselves into their superior officers.

Sit down, good sirrah, and I shall tell you of the most hilarious thing that happend not to long ago.
I (chest goes out) am a guard at the PALACE. Very honourable and respectable job that. and you get the shiniest armour, and plumes and ... ahem, you know palace guards...
anyways, these very dirty and mean looking people, adventurers I am sure, approached the palace and demanded to be let in. When I refuse the biggest of them, a leather clad burly man with a big axe on his back (might have been half orc, just saying), grabs my polearm and try to wrestle it away. So I kicked him in the, excuse my language, man-place and threw him in the moat. This made the halfing angry cus he tried to stab me in the back with a big knife. heard him coming however, and broke his nose with the butt of my polearm. Then thescantly clad elven woman shot me with these glowing orbs of light. it was like I was punched repeadetly in the chest and I fell on my back. quite painful.
This is where My fellow guard and long time friend DAVE (yes it's spelled in all capitals...not sure about that) did this leaping smack with his spear... right to her forehead. The last one, a heavily armoured dwarf cleric, had to heal her to save her life. He did not want to fight us however, he said that we sure showed them, we had a laugh and he took away the pain in me. nice guy.
Ah heh heh heh...oh adventurers... why they think that any man in plumes whose job it is to guard the king's safety can't fight I'll never know..:
More wine! elven please!
must be my fathers blood in me... love the stuff.

I gotta tell ya, my brother is one lucky sonovabitch. Our town had a bit of a Kobold problem. They'd dug into the sewers and were causin' a ruckus. Well, some fresh faced young adventurin' types, you know the type, right? More hobos than heroes, well they showed up on some caravan and jumped on it.

Turns out, the Kobolds were diggin' into our town because of some kinda tiny dragon told 'em to. Well, our adventurers managed to take care of the Kobolds. But the dragon was beatin' 'um like rented mules. They run back into town, the dragon hot on their trail. And who happens to be posted at the sewer exit but me own brother.

He sees our so called heroes runnin' out. Raises his halberd, and once that thing sticks it's neck out he buries it in it.

Wish I coulda seen the adventurer's face. But one of them swore they'd repay him for this. Sure enough, a few months later, my brother receives a parcel containing an enchanted halberd. Damn thing is worth half the town.

>>14794712
>>14798252

Anyone know the artists of these?

Maybe its th' drink talkin', but I figger its aboot time I said something. Figger it'd fit right in with all th' fuckin' stories about gawddamn adventurers.

Now, I'm a guardsmen, nat, like me father were before me. Never had much aspirations asides; either I'd be a guardsmen or some man-hore down at th' docks or sommat like that. So, when I finally got to th' trainable age, I sign up. Nice signin' bonus too, mind. And in th' trainin', I meet Frank. Nice enough chap, reliable sort and knew his way around any with a gawdamn blade. We did th' trainin' and became friends, you know th' old story, I'm sure. Served with each other for damn near ten years.

Then ol' Frank got stars in his eyes. Or tits. Either way.

>>14809369

Turns out, one day, we get a new group of adventurers in town. We go over to Th' Ravaging Arms (don't ask. Bartkeeps a little sore about the name; was his mothers or sommat like that, if you believe it) and give them the basic rundown of the rules we give any group of armed vagabonds. "Don't start shit." "Don't kill people." "Don't miscast spells on purpose for laughs." Y'know, that sort of thing. Then Frank looks over that this sneakthief, some elf or half-elf, couldn't tell the difference. Now, he's eyein her like a slab of meat and I still don't blame him to this day. She had large enough breasts to qualify as a gawddamn cow! She just gives him this fuckin' smoltery 'I know you want it' bitchass smile and wraps her arms around this chap in enough plate to qualify for an iron vein and starts suckin' face with him right there. And I do mean suckin' face. Wierdish, but nowhere near as weird as that fella five years back that tried to copulate with one of them gel cubes and rust monsters at the same time.

Anywho, Frank goes back to the barracks and he's real somber for th' next couple of days. One day, me and him get night duty on the wall together and he comes up to me and says, "Shamus, what do you think about going out there?"

I says, "I don't, Frank. This 'ere be me home." He sighs and looks out towards that wizardy city on the horizon, big bright fuckoff place, all lit up even at assend o' clock and goes. "Well, I been thinking that maybe I should be off and go and see what's out there." I go and ask him why that is. He answers with some 'gettin' on with me life', 'not gettin' any younger', 'wanna see the world' gobshite. I realize why he's like that and ask, "Frank, this ain't about all that, innit? Its about that elfy gel with them adventurers, innit?" Frank has the decency to look away. I goes, "Well, y' don't really want some whore like that now, d'ya?"

>>14809452
Frank got so pissed he knocked me off the wall. In traction for three days as the medic patches me up. By the time I'm up and aboot, Frank took his stipends and fucked off.

Met him again today as I', doin' gate duty. He came along in enough gold plate that you could melt it down and make my annual salary and a huge fuckoff sword with them glowin' runes attached and two ladies in each arm. He didn't even look at me as he waltzed inside like he owned th' place. Got a call an hour later about a disturbance at The Ravaging Arms with fella that fits his crowd's discription. I go down meself and tell them to knock that shit off and he glares at me. Me! His gawddamn friend for twelve years! I cold clock him and his goonies and lock them in the drink tank for the night.

I never thought it'd come to this though, sittin' across from me friend as he glares at me, like I'm the fella that done gone and did wrong. Its just...fuckit. I hate gawddamn adventurers. And their large fucking breasts.
-Shamus

>>14809173
>Sit down, good sirrah
>sirrah

Son I will slap you 'till you bleed if you don't apologize right this instant.

Has someone put this up for the archive yet?

Being a foundling sucks. I've lived in the guardhouse basically my whole life, the only job opportunities ahead of me are "adventurer" which is a stupid career choice for muscleheaded morons, or a city guard.
Only problem is that every other guard in my town is a nice, ordinary human. I don't even know what the fuck I am.
WHAT KIND OF THING STANDS 4 FEET TALL WITH RED SKIN, POINTY EARS AND A BEARD THAT WON'T. GO. AWAY!
*sigh*
I wish my parents had left a clue or something to my ancestry, maybe then I wouldn't be so bloody confused.

>>14810066
Save up fer some kinda divinatory spell, mate. That or use the adventurers to yer benefit; find some of them, offer 'em a challenge to answer yer question. Reward don't even have t'be much, they'll jump at the chance to prove they got what it takes t'know that.
They go on their way all pleased they 'won' th'challenge, you get yer answers, everyone wins.

>>14810066
At least you won't be hitting your head on low-hanging obstacles as easy as your buddies?

>>14810094

Oooh, there's an idea.
I do have some money I was saving for that lovely epee the swordsmith has, but messing with adventurers and possibly finding my ancestry at the same time? Well worth it.

Thanks friend, I owe you one

Back where I come from, we don't have a lot of trouble with vagrants. Well, occasionally some douchebag with a stubble and a rice hat comes along to challenge the master of the local dojo, or some cutthroats from the Jumping Blades start shit in the tavern, but most of them can be taken care of with nothing but a stern talking-to backed up with a Stone Wall Open Palm. And no one would even think of killing our resident dragons.

I am so damn sick of adventurers. It's like they don't even see my uniform.

Now, I'm a guardswoman - been working ten years. I can handle it, you know? I ignore the leers and jokes of the thieves and suchlike; it doesn't matter what they call me once I've got them marching on down to take a stay behind bars. They get too fresh, they get to taste my baton.

Adventurers, though... bastards sweep through town looking at everygirl like she's their prize by right. Oh, suuuure I'm impressed by those kobolds you've been killing, stranger - couldn't possibly be I've seen worse things than you when we caught that childkiller over in the dock district, now could I?

And you know? I used to think paladins were heroes. But they don't do a thing to stop their mates playing this game - not against the law, after all. Just against what's decent, and since when have adventurers cared about decent?

My brother-in-law's a wizard - my sister married well, and I'm proud of her for it, and her kids are a joy to see - and he gave me this ring that lets you know if someone's using charms on you. Lights up and makes noises and everything. Sometimes wizards are good folk, you know?

>>14810120

Okay, bad plan.

They want me to go with them, they want to help me find my ancestry, but they want me to go with them.
Just like every other group of adventurers to pass through town they want me to go with them.
On top of that I can't turn down the chance to learn about myself and they are willing to do it for free.

So, I guess I'm going with them.

Wish me luck.

*sigh*

I hate my life.

Just got back from my graveyard shift. It should have been an easy job, but no. Some godsdamned adventurers had to show up and try to enter a family crypt because they were ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN than an evil cult of vampiric necromancers were digging up corpses and turning them into zombies, skeletons, ghouls, and gods know what else. Well I've been living in Blackwater for almost ten years and we have never had a cult of necromancer vampires in our graveyard!

I swear, some days I think I want to retire and become a blacksmith or martial trainer.

Oh, and to make matters worse, that bitch that I let live in my house turned out to be evil. I get home from work and there she is, all dressed up and ready to reward me for a long hard night's work, and out of nowhere three drow (or half-drow, who knows?) pop up out of no where and try to kill me. Well, I took one down, but that was it. If the blacksmith didn't live next door and know how to use every weapon he made, I'd be a goner. Saved my life and then killed all of those drow sons of bitches, including that bard lass. Gave him half her gold in thanks.

I need a strong drink.

>>14810160
Jus' clear out once y'got what y'need, and you'll be fine. Besides, they got a thing for ratin' what their group says higher than other folks' words. This's yer chance to stop 'em bein' the type we all curse over - you do the talkin' in the towns and cities, you get 'em t'be reasonable, and you'll be savin' a lot of people a lot of grief. Good luck, mate.

>>14809924
oooh you want trouble with the palace guard?

>>14810160
so youre a tall, red dwarf?

>This thread

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvO3_orG_mg

You folks blame adventurers for starting trouble, but I tell you, if it weren't for those local bastards talking trash and giving them the wrong idea about things, there'd be no problems. Our town has two noble families, the Virax and the Tolari, they were rivals but it wasn't that bad, just the occasional duel and some trash talk at the inn. Well, a party of thugs led by some exiled prince or whatever comes by. Someone tells them old Archibald Virax is secretly a necromancer and keeps young virgins in his mansion's basement. At the same time, another party of cloak-wearing treehuggers come by, and they get told that young master Ronald Tolari trades in elf slaves. So they start fightin', each party screaming about justice and righteousness and whatnot. Almost burnt down half the town before we got the golem up and running. Later when we question them, it turns out they all talked to the same guy in the inn. We put up a warrant, but that bugbear-buggering son of a whore skipped town. Now we hear the next town over had the same thing happen to them.

Don't mind me. I'll just be guarding this bridge over here so that nobody can steal it. You gotta keep up with the modern criminal mind, you know. Sense of the thing.

>>14810159
Anyways, I was making sure the rowdies in the tavern didn't start anything, when a bunch of adventurers called me over. Paladin in that shiny armour, solid-looking smelly bloke in furs - barbarian type, like they style themselves - with a big axe, and this damn bard with the biggest shit-eating grin I've seen in a year.

He starts talking away, all flowery, sounds like one of those sappy romance chapbooks the vendors sell, when all of a sudden my ring lights up and makes this huge racket.

I look him in the eye, I tell him I've a good mind to bring him in for attempts to subvert a guardswoman on duty, and he has the nerve to smirk and say he's just having a little fun.

Told him I knew what kind of fun he had in mind, and that our local wizards are damn good at detecting charm spells, so if I see him with a girl who's not there because she wants to be without magic, I will be hauling him in on suspicion of attempt to rape. Making a girl's mind not her own: that's not getting 'willing', to my mind.

Paladin speaks up, saying his friend wasn't doing anything wrong.

Saw the barbarian glaring a bit, but I'm a guard, this is my business. Told the paladin to ask his friend about that, in plenty of detail, because he just tried to break the law, and likely more to come.

>>14810258
I left, then, but I was keeping an eye on them the whole time they were in the city. Never saw the bard with a girl once; probably too preoccupied with the bruise on his face, like someone in an armoured gauntlet got mad at him.

He left in a few days, paladin sticking pretty close beside him. Bard was looking pretty sour.

Guess paladins can still do the right thing once you point them at it and wave a big obvious flag.

But what that bard tried... I hate adventurers. Entitled bastards. Still remember their looks of surprise, like this was the first time they'd ever been called on their crap.

Anything I can do you for, officers?

>>14810186

Well, that looks like my best option, maybe, with some luck, I can find what I want and get out without dying.

>>14810207

Maybe, I might ask the dwarf adventurer. Hopefully he'll be smart enough to answer properly.

>>14810292
>>14810258

This don't happen to be you, does it?

>>14810300

Run the post office for me.

All of ye are pansies! Bloody pansies I tell ye! Ye try being a guard when the nobles are askin for all koinds o' bloody stoopid things like pewter chairs and blue daimond weapon racks. Bloody 'ell! and when dey don't git them they get all pissy and goes. "Welp Urist McGuardsmand it's time for ye to go give a man a beatin."

And the man wasn't even responsible for crafting that item! I mean it's bad enough we get yearly sieges from the goblin hordes up the road and we get some new one eyed thousand legged creature popping up out of the ground every year boot ye'd think we'd at least go a day without me having to give some poor bloke some beatin becuz he upped and gave someone's pet alligator a roight good smack for eyein his ale wrong.

And don't even get me started on those bloody elves.

>>14810326
You could ask Captain Carrot. He's a dwarf.

Paladins... sheesh, after a year working with the city guard I see why they keep bitching about em, and I AM one!

I mean I've done the whole routine, wandering the wilderness and sleeping in dirt for a few years, keeping a big scaly barbarian, a spell-happy kobold wizard and a friggin' ninja under control, but I know when to quite while I'm ahead. Married a beautiful priestess, settled down, got myself deputised, I figure I'd fit right in with the law, y'know? It's my duty and all.

so this argonian comes running into town, right? bleeding from the side and running from a figure with a bloody knife and tight, black armour. so I trot over and watch as the argonian is stabbed to death.
when the man was done stabbing he sheathed his knife and started walking calmly in circles.
humm de dumm...normal day

>>14810416

Well, these great morons are planning in stopping briefly in Ankh-Morpork so that might be an option.
I just hope these idiots remember that they are just passing through and don't ending up staying there and losing everything.

Oh well, no sense worrying, The paladin says it's time to leave now so I guess I'm off on some huge, pointless adventure.
I'll tell you all about it when I get back.
(provided you want me to)

>>14810423
I figure, I can deal with adventurers right? I know the game, I know what they want and how to convince them to not kill anyone. But by Heironeous' helmet, who the hells is training paladins these days?! I mean, following a different philosophy is one thing, I can accept that. But I've had to stop lunatics in shiny mail from killin' street urchins that picked their pocket, tryina burn down the houses of ill repute- I don't agree with it much either, but it's legal in this city-state- and then there's the ones declaring war on anything with scales or dark skin.

It's not been that much a problem since the city introduced an education program for paladins. If I can't nail in the concepts of moral relativity, freedom of thought and equality, I at least make sure they ain't gonna get near my city again.

Can't believe I spent bloody MONTHS to chase down that Rider guy and then he goes off scot free. And now a bloody horse is leading our unit.

Some days I think I should just quit this job. I mean, we're led by a HORSE. A bloody horse! Can you believe it? Well, at least it still pays, and to be honest, I never thought a frying pan can do that much damage to a suit of armor.

>>14810169
Well sorry to hear that mate, least sounded like you had yourself a pretty nice setup for a while. I'd at least give the lass a nice burial for all what time you've been through.

>>14810376
Not me, but I'm flattered you'd think so.

>>14810463
...Care to elaborate?

Bump jic

>>14810463
>i see what you did there