So, right now, here's my thoughts.

First, Eberron. I'm just - just a fan. Also, I think it does "D and D with Science Fiction themes" pretty well.

Second, the background. Mostly I think we just need something similar to Aperture Science - the company and the setting. For that, I'm thinking some kind of joint venture between, say, House Cannith and, um, House Orien - the one with the teleporting. The facility itself can be one of the numerous facilities located under Cyre, prior to the Day of Mourning. It can have a -rival- facility beneath the Black Mesa, somewhere else in Cyre.

rolled 15, 17, 5, 3, 5 = 45

You could just find a half-life setting...

Alright, so that's... about... it. Well, for now. Obviously. I need some - some more, to work with it. I mean, yes, we could proabably work from just that, but I'm concerned that we'll get to the table and I'll have to say "Oh, right, well, I know I told you'd I'd prepare something this time - and I did! But... but this is it. So this... this is what we can... y'know, -play with-." And that probably won't - not certainly, but probably - won't go well.

So, um, other thoughts? How about some bullet-points? Oh yeah, those always make things look smarter, right?

So bam, bullet number one here:
* The facility began with some fairly mundane purpose, but over time grew and developed into the same crazy "testing facility" that the Aperture Labs did in Portal. Only - only instead of "throwing science at the wall", it's more "Throwing -Magic- at the wall here to see what sticks."

Ah, okay, bullet number two. Let's do this one then:
* Game-wise, lots of puzzles. Not so much the "portal testing" from portal, but more of the crazy, wacky experiments that were done in the Cave Johnson years. Y'know, like you can hear snippets of at the "Vitrified" doors.

Num- Number three:
* Instead of "personality cores", we have docents (an Eberron thing). Lots of traps, yes. Yes, lots of those. If we need robots: Warforged can serve the role. For some of the "characters" from Aperture in portal, we can have, say, a cannith heir. Oh, oh! Cave Johnson! Probably a must, yes. Just a good personality.

Cave Johnson. Easy enough, right?

So, something something d'Cannith. Nickname "Cave" from, oh let's say, some event in his youth. Or from when he was an adventurer. In Xen'drik. Why not? Son of a John d'Cannith, if we care - and I guess, no, we really don't. It's not that important. Personality is the most important. If we want him around -now-, then either have him be "stored" in a docent, or have had his mind transfered, or whatever. It's magic. We don't really have to explain it. Just say "Hey, you know why? Because a wizard did it. Yes, that's it. Really, no, it was a wizard - robe and staff and big fancy pointed hat, all of it."

>>14827865

behold

Whoo, that was a lot. Glad I got that off my chest. So, now, you folks can help me, uh... Help me fill this in, right? Puzzle ideas? Plot? Plots? Background for characters? Uh... just... general... information? Thoughts? A plan, maybe? Two plans?

So... just... have at it. I'll wait here and see what you folks can come up with.

Um... go?

The whole place needs to be run by a dragon.

Hey buddy, I've never actually played D&D, but every man deserves a purpose. I would focus on the humor aspect as a central theme. If it was my design, I would not even implement a health system (but certainly a death system). What do you think of this: DM takes role of AI?

SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE

>>14828036
I wish you woul reply; I would enjoy talking about this.

>>14827918
I TRUSTED YOU.

>>14828082
"I'll wait here and see what you folks can come up with."

He never planned on joining us at all. ;_;

>>14828036
DAMMIT WE KNOW
EVERYBODY KNOWS
SPACE!
YOU!
IN IT!
WE GET IT!

I swear to god, some day I will finally get Portal 2, and bunch of other games I've been putting off.

>>14828064
ARE YOU SPACE?

>>14828036
FACT: Space does not exist.

>>14828115
The Adventure Sphere is a blowhard and a coward.

>>14828157
Say, you know who found that interesting?

Nobody. That didn't affect anybody's life whatsoever. Life would be exactly the same, if you hadn't said anything.

>>14828184
You will be dead soon.

>>14828286
Ah shut up,
No body cares, four eyes.

If you had underwear and a butt, I'd pull your underwear right up your butt.

>>14828127
http://gwarez.cc/6123/portal-2-skidrow/

Use the megaupload link, download with JDownloader, and buy it later.

>>14828327
DAD I'M IN SPACE
I'M PROUD OF YOU SON
Dad are you space?
YES, NOW WE'RE A FAMILY AGAIN

>>14828393
I GOT LOST IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE

Dad, I'm in space.

I'm proud of you, son.

Dad, are you space?

Yes. Now we are a family again.

>>14828385

this looks legit. I'm sure there are no viruses at all.

Cave Johnson here.

Introducing the Aperture Trade Cartel Handheld Dimensional Doorway Device! Lemme tell you, this thing is a beauty. Our Artificers have been working on this sucker for the last two decades, and it is NOT easy to duplicate without our specific brand of know-how. Those bastards over on the Obsidian Mesa can eat a di-oh, right, the device.

Well, first of all, that casing is built out of solid, enchanted wood. It takes one whole sentient, magical living tree to whittle it down enough to make the proper casing. Needless to say we may have terrified the only tribe of Treants in the entire desert, but you gotta break an egg to make an omelet. The casing is cooled with enchanted steel forged from Underdark iron; we've lost a few male employees in the process of getting that ore. But the iron is enchanted to protect the whole thing from falling damage, elemental damage, acid, digestion, stomping, you name it, we've made it. Keeps the magical core cool and operational too!

Can't tell you what the core's made of. Trade secret! However, it's enchanted with a handy Dimensional Door spell. Just point that sucker at a surface, say the magic word, and you'll have an entryway. That's not hyperbole; the operational word to cast the spell is in fact magical. Also keep in mind to put down another doorway before you try to enter the first; according to testing data, it doesn't lead to a fun place and you'll never return.

The Handheld Dimensional Doorway Device, brought to you by the brightest minds here at the Aperture Trade Cartel. Remember, steal from us and we know where you'll live.

I'm Cave Johnson. We're done here.

>>14828327
The Fact Sphere is a good person, whose insights are relevant.

>>14828430
Should've used a Fact core pic.

The likelihood of this thread's death within the next five minutes is eighty-seven point six one percent.

Cave Johnson here.

This is a test chamber. Four walls, ceiling and a floor. Good enough for magic. Not aperture magic.

Gentlemen (And dwarves) I give you panels. The slabs of tomorrow. Fully configurable, infinitely variable. Safe.

Aperture brand panels will assist your subjects every step of the way.

--

That's not a panel, that's a crusher. We sell them too. We're done here.

You need three-dimension for portalling to work. The setting is fine, but the portal gun CANNOT be the main attraction.

>>14827865
...

[You've nailed his voice. Well done.]

>>14828631
Oh jesus christ Fact Sphere is the funniest thing I have seen all day.

Cave Johnson here.

Had the lab boys running some numbers, and the result are in: there are no ways your testing experience could not be improved if you let us replace your left hand with a retractable grappling hook.

No drawbacks whatsoever, not one. We'll even let you keep anything we chop off you.

If you're interested, talk to a testing associate for more information about the procedure. Just don't get too 'attached'. (heh)

We'll be taking it back afterwards.

We're done here.

Can I play?

>>14827894
*For robots, check out MM 3&4 for clockwork and steampunk nonsense, MM1 for Iron Golem and Gorgon, MM2 for Automations, Clockwork horrors,half Iron Golem(if you're really partial to any particular monster that isn't steampunk nonsense already),Sandstorm for Waste Crawler (high CR)
*Additionally, anything from the Clockwork Nirvana of Mechanus(planar handbook) would do just as well.
*GlaDos could probably be some sort of captive Kyolarut, or some other form if Inevitable that slowly went insane (or just wanted to kill everyone)
-(sub bullet)No, this is actually fucking beautiful. Make them face a Quarut (Fiend Folio). It is in charge of protecting space-time, and what messes with space more than the portal gun?
*Living Vault(Epic Level Handbook) would be an excellent way to keep out nozy adventurers/explain why they can't just leave

Whoa! You saved my bacon, pal! Is this a jailbreak?

Oh, look. It's you again. Only a complete moron would play in a setting like Eberron. I'm not surprised that you would use it to represent the Aperture Science facility. Because that's what you are. A moron.

Even if you go with this stupid idea, Mr. Johnson should be represented as a wizard himself. Everyone else agrees. See? It says so, right here. "Mr Cave Johnson, CEO. Best represented as wizard in D&D."

>>14828996
>You've nailed his voice. Well done.
Is it terrible that it came almost naturally to me? Well, writing it at least. I'm terrible at actual impressions.

toasting in a seriously fantastic bread

>this entire thread
brofist

>>14829741
It's a bad idea.

>>14828598
>>14828905
>>14829239
>Cave Johnson
Brilliant! I'm not even joking, I really do think that you, may be a genius. I'll use those, I will - just great stuff.

>>14827990
>DM takes role of AI?
I think that's -probably- just, y'know... inevitable? Is that what I mean? The right word, I mean - I know it's -what- I mean, but I don't know if that -word- means what I- Nevermind, nevermind, not the point. The point is... I forgot. Okay, right, AI - yes. AIs will just be NPCs.

>>14829327
>Monsters
Oh, those are fantastic! That's pretty good, yeah, the kind of stuff that I'll use, I'm sure. I'm not sure how much - if any - actual, um, combat we'll have. But yes, -if- there is combat, we'll probably use -something- like those. Probably.

>>14828942
>You need three-dimension for portalling to work. The setting is fine, but the portal gun CANNOT be the main attraction.
Right. Like I said: the um... portal parts? Of Portal? Not really the intended focus here, no. No, instead I want to just kind of steal... the setting? The place and feel of it, mostly. Like I said: "Throwing -Magic- at the wall to see what sticks." So lots of- of -wacky- and, um, just... crazy things, I guess, is what I'm getting at.

Right, so, good thread. Good effort. A+ and all that. Though, I think... Well, I don't want it to be too much - maybe it's too much, but- Well, any -more- ideas?

Rolling initiative...

Railroad!

You're cheating!

I don't want to play anymore...

>>14829947
That's the most hilarious thing I've seen all week! God, I'm in tears laughing, I heard it in his voice and everything. Just perfect.

>>14829959
"Y'know, I remember when that trading company bought the abandoned copper mines over by the Salt Water Springs. Had no idea what they were going to do with it at the time, but hey, it's all underground. Entire place was stripped bare after those workers had one too many accidents on the job and rebelled against the foremen.

Heard talk of them trying to install some sort of factory in there, but, well, don't think that ever came to fruition. Same as always around here...nothing ever grows. I remember when one of their workers came into town asking for hearty adventurers who wanted a challenge. They were offering gold, real gold, as payment. Almost took the offer myself, but my old man caught me upside the head with a ball of dung. Told me to never be acceptin' money from magical folks who are looking for adventurers. I reckon he was right, I never saw them again. I do remember being part of the mob that chased 'em away when too many of the town guards disappeared durin' their tests and we got attacked by bandits one too many times.

As far as I can tell, that place has been abandoned since. Ain't nobody come out or gone in...those mines run deep. I figure you could always find and sell what they left behind, make a mint off some sort of abandoned magic. Just be careful, yeah? I've got some lanterns, a few meters of strong rope and a map to the mines for sale if'n your interested."

>>14829947
Sayaka and Wheatley, forever lovable blue idiots. ;_;

>>14830093
Way I heard it, there was a blood feud between dem that ran the place and the wizards, them of the black mesa out west, back before they vanished. Heard there was a war even, assassins, soldiers, everything...

>>14830136
Heard a few of 'em went mad during the war, and tried to make a sky fortress what could teleport from the black mesa to the area over these mines to bombard it. Last I heard, there was a flash of raw magic and the whole works went up in smoke. Not the normal magical kind, ya know, but...well, bad smoke.

DOUG RATTMANN, PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC LAWFUL GOOD MONK

"You can ignore your conscious, you know. But not me. No, mine rides around on my back, hah. I'm not so sure he's an illusory spell, considering how long he's kept me alive, kept me safe. But the funny thing is...I don't miss the sun. It's odd, isn't it? I don't miss the heat, or the sand. I get to skip that. But instead, I must live here, in the tunnels and the crevices of this institution. I'm not leaving until you're all safe and adequately prepared...if you're trustworthy."

>>14830101
>Sayaka
I didn't know somebody around here watched PMMM.

Find in the archive, or elsewhere, a collection of bizarre magical items, or magical effects. Give some to your players, then unleash them on dungeons.
You've got the perfect opportunity for mishmash dungeons that don't make any sense. Sometimes they're in a testing facility, sometimes they're actually furthering some goal (e.g. cleaning out an infested chamber), sometimes they are the test for someone else.
You can take away (or make explode) items/powers that aren't working out, or just keep giving them more. Keep in mind eventually your players will want to escape, overthrow, or take over the compound.

See also http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/

>>14830219
/tg/ has actually had quite a few Madoka threads (mostly concerning Kyubey, but y'know, he's board-spanning anyway).

I made a loose Puella Magi homebrew game for a few friends and I a couple weeks ago, even. The wish mechanic is a great springboard for making characters.

>>14829947
>>14830101
>>14830219
>>14830283
Clearly, combining Madoka and Portal would be the worst thing ever.

Especially if the two antagonists formed KYuBOS.

>>14830171

You wonder why we guard against demons boy? It's the mines, the very Aperture of evil they are....

Throw in some Living Spell research. Maybe the facility is the major source of Living Spells? Who knows, just have them experimenting on the darn things.

"Battlefield mages are an asset on the battlefield. But they have one flaw: they are capable of dying just as much as their targets. With Living Spells, we can bring the spell onto the battlefield while the mage stays where he belongs, locked in a box at a university. Whether it's a roaming fireball to burn the enemy or a walking heal to prolong the fight, we'll mass produce life just as we have with warforged."

>>14830322
There have been a lot of Portal/Madoka crossover pictures, and honestly, I have no idea why.

A minor tesseract chamber?

Nothing too complex, just keep the rooms interconnected to confuse the PCs.

[dumping tesseract guide]

Cave Johnson here.

Any adventurers involved in fifth division testing may be disappointed to hear that the Owlbears and Manticores you were slated to fight are no longer available for testing.

Don't worry, ol' Cave's not letting you down that easy- you're fighting their kids! We're not sure what to call them yet, but they hunt by smell and the sight of human flesh enrages them, so keep your head down right about where the blood smears start.

>>14830370
>her shirt and legs use the same colors
Dammit.
This is not how you art.

>>14830392
2/4

Captcha is acting strange. I got gibberish for the last verification.

>>14830370
Why was Sayaka branded as the stupid one? It didn't seem that she sported any greater mental retardation than the other characters. Aside the usual stupidity that protagonists have in every fiction ever.

>>14830412
3/4

>>14830392
>>14830412
>>14830424

4/4

Hope you have fun with whatever variation of this you use.

I have yet to pull something like this on my players, so I can't safely say how they'll react.

>>14830417
"I will not avoid getting hurt, nor will I use grief seeds. This can't possibly go wrong."

>>14830392
>>14830412
>>14830424
>>14830441
Thanks for this. :D

This one was already written FOR US, but seems appropriate (given the D&D):

"Those of you who volunteered to be injected with praying mantis DNA, I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Bad news is we're postponing those tests indefinitely. Good news is we've got a much better test for you: fighting an army of mantis men. Pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You'll know when the test starts."

I gave my players ring gates and put them in a pristine white dungeon and had via magic mouth told them that they were helping with a wizard's experiments. Occasionally there would be white automatons that would shoot magic missile at them.

When they finally found out there was no wizard and it was a magical construct guiding them, I tried to drop them into fire. Seeing how dense they were made me grin manically. They finally got it when I started directly quoting GLaDOS for their battle with her, including a 10 round timer before they would be killed by a deadly neurotoxin.

>>14829513
>>14828598
>>14827865
I just want you to know that this made me smile.
Assume the giddy-feelings position and an emotions associate will come to directly and magically apply feelings of euphoria to you. Through injection.

>>14830443
>I will not avoid getting hurt.
Else I wont get shit done like the others. Not her body any longer, per se.
>nor will I use grief seeds.
Not like she was fine or anything, she just happened to realise that she is an abberation to nature/not human and lost his boyfriend.

It just kinda contrasts her views in ep 1 or 2 was it? When thinking whether they shoud become witches or not.
When she was still mentally sound and all. Not to say she wasn't impulsive as fuck.

>>14827865
Thats the fucking stupidest idea Ive ever heard in my entire life.
Pic related, its you.

>>14830543
>pic
That's YOU! That's how DUMB you look.

>>14830527
Yeah, but she wasn't thinking about her family or her friends.

What about moon dust poisoning?

Hmm. Need some boots of long falling. Also, setting up the battle mat with little table things for height may be tricky.

Alchemical solutions, throwable as grenades, work as the three gels? Button-operated devices transmute vials of water into them?

Setting was a former hundred-level dungeon, occupied after adventurers cleared it out. Expanded dwarf-fortress style by Aperture's a-wizard-did-it. (Cave Johnson here. If you see any lava fissures in this next test, we maaay have opened a rift to the underworld...)

Late stage research was redirected towards turning Cave into a liche before the poison claimed the last of his CON.

Potato used as emergency soul container? Access to combustible lemons? Turrets are hollow constructs full of blowgun darts?

>>14830713
Groud-up-Dragonshard poisoning.

>>14830724
>Groud-up
*Ground
Fuck. Can't type.

>>14830721
Silly me, I forgot one of my old rules for D&D - all natural-based things must be used in their Dire version whenever possible. So make that Dire potatoes, and Dire lemons.

>>14830749
>Dire Potato
Yeah. We've got those.

>>14830543

If I was so dumb, could I SMASH! YOU! INTO! THIS! THREAD!?

Oh - oops.

Cave Johnson here. We accidentally dug into the Underdark while digging these next few chambers, so if you happen to see any Drow hunters, just, ah, try to complete the test like they're not there. For science.

/tg/ I'm gonna do this now, I'm gonna write the Caves of Cave Johnson. YOU ALL MADE ME DO IT

>>14830917
I know you might be wondering why they have dark skin, shouldn't they be albino? Well the lab boys would like to know why as well. So for an extra $60 of cash straight into your pocket just grab a few, bring 'em up here and we'll pop in front of the particle accelerator and see what we can learn.

"The average fire elemental is one-hundred percent pure fire. Far as we're concerned, that's a little extravagant. For this next test, we're gonna have you hit some fire elementals with whatever you've got, and see if you can't get that down to fifty or sixty percent."

"Alright, this next test may involve trace amounts of dimensional travel. So, word of advice: If you meet a God on the testing track, don't make eye contact. Wizards tell me that might wipe out the universe. Entirely. Every plane of it. So do yourself a favor and leave the big guys to their business. Maybe tell a cleric their religion -isn't- just a big pile of lies."

>>14831029
I would happily collaborate on such a project! You should farm /tg/ for free labor by having a thread where they can submit test chamber ideas. Then you cherry pick the ones that aren't terrible.

Cave Johnson here

The next test chamber is... currently undergoing renovations. But the good news is it's still a fertile testing ground for more science. The previous experiment involved pointing two Mirrors of Opposition at one another, turns out that was not a good idea. You win some you lose some.

So anyway it's time to test the effectiveness of the Apeture Trade Cartel Dual Ended Smiting-rod. One end will kill the good copies, the other will kill the bad copies. Good luck figuring out which are which. Don't guess wrong though, it just seems to make them angry.

If you do make them angry try to throw the Apeture Trade Cartel Dual Ended Smiting-rod as far towards the door as you can before you are torn to shreds. We assure you that the rod was intended to be that color of red. Not the consequence of an earlier test subject, we promise.

We're done here.

"Kobolds. You love 'em, I love 'em, hell -everybody- loves 'em. Problem is? There's just too damn many of them. But we may have the solution. This next test requires you to lure them into our new Kobold Krushers. These things can detect small creatures, and bam! You're a paste. The artificers say we've got all the kinks worked out, but if the Krushers go after you, try to keep your normal-sized bones from jamming up the works."

Cave Johnson here.
I've got a squirrel here that can talk. We'd like you to stuff it into a meat grinder, stuff in some residuum, and see what happens when you make magic talking squirrel sausage. If you start choking to death, remember: One thumb up if it's just a bone in your windpipe, two if it filled your lungs with necrotic energy.

Cave Johnson here. Now, I know you're questioning what that thick blue gel is leaking from that tube in the ceiling. Well, that was originally part of one of our experiments on creating magic-proof surfaces that could reflect spells back at the enemy. Worked horribly, in retrospect. Had a bit of an enchanted dragon organ ratio mix-up, in addition to using the wrong organs of the dragon, and it instead magnified the effects of magic up to a hundred times. Heh, you should have seen the look on their faces as those magic missiles grew to the size and strength of a Tarrasque's fist.

But, as it turns out, we mixed it properly to reflect physical damage instead, which is why it wasn't the magic missiles that killed them, but the blunt force trauma of flying back and forth between two walls for a hour. Go figure. So just take a hop on our new Reflection Gel, but be careful! The ceiling's low in some places and you were probably not given a helmet.

This is Cave Johnson, and we're done here."

This next test involves... Oh hell, we don't even know what this thing is. Which is why -you're- going to kill it. For science! And to get it out of that damn room.

>>14831208
Cave Johnson here. As an attempt to recuperate for our losses last fiscal period, you may have heard of our attempts to win money through horse races. Currently, the courts can't prove that our own horses were given supplements, but our hearts go out to the families of the dead jockeys and visitors in the stands from those separate, unrelated occasions. Frankly, last time I ever trust a group of Orc scientists. "Color it red" indeed.

But you seem like a trustworthy person, so here's the skinny. We tried mixing haste potions with enchanted sand from hourglasses, gave it another zap of a haste spell, added a pinch of two of enraged barbarian blood and gave the horses a bit of a taste. Fun fact, you should probably keep this stuff away from your mouth, eyes or any open wounds. The result is our new Acceleration Gel, which works like a charm! Just make sure you leave a patch of space between the gel and any obstacles in your way. You might not be able to stop without digging in your heels, and frankly that's scuffing up the floors down there horribly. Not to mention that organs are ending up all over our clean walls.

Now, get testing. This is Cave Johnson, and we're done here."

>>14831086

This thread will make an excellent start

>>14831249
Okay that thing you killed in the last room? Well the lab boys have some ideas of where it came from. Nothing concrete yet you understand, but as a precaution from now on we'd like you to try and solve each test using the minimum number of Doorways.

Cave Johnson here with a little reminder: there *are* no control groups in the alchemist's fire testing chambers. So, when I responded to complaints of thirst with "suck it up," I did not mean that literally. Do not drink it. It is fire.

This next test features pure nightmares. Do not be alarmed. Velociraptors? Nightmare. Your dead parents dismissing all of your accomplishments? Nightmare. You not having pants on? Not part of the test. This thing won't physically affect you. Put your damn pants back on.

Alright /tg/ I'm off to bed, gonna ruminate on this crap

The boys in the robes told me that these puzzles could all be easily solved with magic, and that we couldn't afford to implement long-term antimagic fields, so you know what I did? Fired 'em. Then I hired people who told me that we *did* have enough money to implement long-term antimagic fields, and I fired them, too. Then I used their salaries to implement long-term antimagic fields. Long story short: no magic, boys.

Goddammit, guys. What did we tell you about opening the Aperture channels?

What about this guy?

>>14830644
But she was thinking... Unlike Madoka who just seemed to go with the flow. Same applies to that genki stereotype, too.

>>14831549
Not the BBEG, but definitely a plot instigator. Keeps showing up and shoving stuff around, maybe steals a piece of loot and disappears.

Cave Johnson here. I was looking into the Home Security market when I noticed it's all just better, harder to pick locks. Not for me. That said, I give you the Arcane Science Door-Like Defense Mechanism. Pretty simple. Bag of caltrops. Storm Pillar. Dust Devil. Whirling electrified blender. Just try to get into this crypt. Your funeral. Cave Johnson, we're done here.

Oh, it's just- I'm so proud of you, all of you! This is just - I don't know what to say, really. Just wow! Wow. So much stuff - probably won't use it all, but again - wow. -This- was the kind of input and brainstorming I was hoping for. Didn't know if I could get it, but, well, here we go, apparently. The system works.

>>14831549
>G Man
Not really pertinent to the whole Aperture Facility.

But if we're using Eberron, and putting both the Obsidian Mesa and Aperture facilities in the Mournland now...

The "Mourning" (which wiped out the whole country of Cyre) was caused at Obsidian Mesa. Nobody knows that for sure, and only higher-ups in House Cannith know that the facility existed at all.

The G-Man is, in fact, The Traveler - an Eberron deity. He fits the characters of that god just -perfectly-.

Archived to suptg, to preserve the awesome ideas.

Sage for no post content.

Cave Johnson here,

Bump for fuck you content. We're done here.

You forgot him, assholes.

>>14832215
>Forgot Gordon Freeman
I didn't forget, so much as entirely not care. Just like with Chell. Also: Portal. Freeman really doesn't matter to what we're discussing here. He matters less than Chell. Who doesn't matter at all.

And is fat.
And an orphan.
And a monster.

>>14833460
Fuck, now I need to make a fat schola murderer character with an insanely high WP and a moderately high Int.

If every hair on your body is standing on end right now, trust me - that's normal. Just the latent electricity. In this next next test we're going to be bombarding you with lightning. If the lab boys have this worked our properly, you are going to be shocked to death by one bolt, then jolted back to life with another. Or cooked. You may just be cooked.

Cave Johnson here, this next test is a bit of a time-saver for us. Turns out that board we went to asking about a renewable food source, the Teejee Initiative? Well they kind of sold us a lemon. Turns out Tarrasque meat doesn't grow more Tarrasque meat. . .

It grows actual Tarrasques.

So get into that kitchen and do some obliterating. No, seriously, you're going to have to completely annihilate those steaks to keep them from replicating. Hope you brought your Wand of Disintegration.

Oh, and if you had any of the Tarrasque sausage this morning, I've got some bad news for you. You're gonna want to induce some vomiting.

Cave Johnson. We're done here.

captcha: bile sauerkraut

If you must rip off the setting, why not have GlaDos as a behold with construct traits?

It fits, kind of. She's intelligent, hateful, cyclopic and completely, relentlessly insane.

>>14830749
Great plot hook
>>14830093
Genius
>>14830721
even better

my own contribution right? Erhm.

Cave Johnson here!

This next chamber involves testing out the natural armor of dragons. Of course, the lab boys tried to convince me that using live dragons would kill all the test subjects before we could gather data, so I fired them. Turns out they may have been right. Oh, and make sure to step over the charred corpses on the way into the testing room.

This is Cave Johnson, I'm outa here.

Solution: Find potion of Wraithstrike to kill the dragon.(wraithstrike makes all attacks till the end of the round touch attacks)

Oh god, reading all the posts in their voices.

I love you /tg/

Cave Johnson here!

Aperature trade cartel has been doing research on how to kill people inside their armor, but keep the armor intact in order to maximize looting potential. The people in marketing tell me that this would sell great with adventurers.

In this next room, there are several lemons left over fromteh exploding lemon experiment encased in suits of armor. Use the Aperature Trade Cartel Pokey-Glowy-Gizmo to penetrate the armor and destroy those lemons. and if you happen to have gotten one of the exploding lemons, make sure you toss the Pokey-Glowy-Gizmo back by the door before you dy from being perforated with shrapnel.

If you manage to survive, don't forget to deposite all Aperature Trade Cartel devices in the bin located helpfully near every door.
I'm Cave Johnson, and I'm outa here.

Dm Note: the Pokey-Glowy-Gizmo is a metal rod with brilliant energy enchantment and pointless moving parts.

Failed at posting for a minute.

This is my next character for a 4e game. Modron (house ruled) Star Pact Warlock.

>>14833721
Dad I'm in space
I'm proud of you son
Dad ARE YOU SPACE
Yes, now we're a family again

Rolling BS.
I play a Bard..
Critical hit...

Cave Johnson here;

You're going to need a silver dagger for this next test. Those aren't cheap, so any more of them you find while you're in there, just bring them back to us after you're finished testing.

The lab boys left a note here about what to do if you get bitten;
'flips page'
"Do not get bitten".

Remember, you need to completely close the outer door before you open the inner one.
Good luck.

Guys.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys, hey guys.
We could use it with adEva, couldn't we?
Evangelions. With portal guns. Or pilots with portal guns, doesn't matter. Maybe even without them. GLaDOS in charge of NERV research facility.
Angels. Instrumentality project.
Everything so abstract and fucked up.

>>14834166
Anon, you on crack? I think I'm going to rename you to "Progenitor of all bad crossovers"

>langel could
holy shit capcha were you reading that post too?

Why play it in D&D when there already exists a perfect system for Portal style rpging?

The setting or game play? The setting can be easily be recreated for D&D without the portal gun and all those good puzzles. In Eberron the Dragonmarked Houses have loads of money, and free time.

Cannith are known for their artificer work, and their less than ethical experiments & research. So perhaps a new form of 'forged that were designed for monitoring purposes kinda like Wheatley. The group would be stuck in a dungeon with traps and different environmental factors. With 'forgeatly being their to monitor their process.

Turrets could be Gargoyles. Companion Cube would be a cute little child or gnome or halfling. Which need to be taken through certain objectives. Disposing of the Companion Cube could be throwing her into a one way portal to freedom.

>>14834310
I'm honoured, kind sir.
Everything that is Bad (with capital B) turns out to be brilliant when confronted with Evangelion.

We need to make aperture science grimdark!

>>14834166
>>14834310
>>14834416

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/14668953/

Been, there, done that, bought the Aperture brand plugsuit.

>>14834428
a very trendy, shapes-molding designer Jumpsuit from France, with an integrated drug-dispenser, shocks-disperser, and padded-diaper

"Cave Johnson here. Now, step over to the testing chamber and take a good long look at those boots. You see those? They just scream class. That's real minotaur leather. Caroline helped with the design.

Now, those boots are the second most important part of the test because they -will- be the ones saving your bacon. We designed them by studying the angle of friction required for a Monk to land without hurting themselves, and we also studied the falling abilities of Rogues to make them whisper-quiet.

And when that didn't entirely work, we enchanted the soles with a minor Feather Fall spell and reinforced the metal braces in case you have to fall fast. The Aperture Trade Cartel Long Fall Boot Apparatus. Try not to sweat too much in them, you're not the only test subject to use that pair.

Cave Johnson, we're done here."

>>14834329
A Portal gun would be an R&D widget, right?

You wouldn't survive long enough to enter the portal. Or you would, and it wouldn't lead where you want.

>>14834329
The other portal is orange. I'm afraid it's above your clearance level, citizen.

>>14834647
>We designed them by studying the angle of friction required for a Monk to land without hurting themselves, and we also studied the falling abilities of Rogues to make them whisper-quiet.
I imagine that involve dissecting quite a few monks, and rogues. To see what makes them tick.

>>14835663
we threw them at walls at varying angles until we found out when they could slow fall. Of course, the rogues couldn't slow fall, so they hit the wall at high speeds, but after it stopped being funny we started making them jump off the wall instead.

>>14835721
And we put smashy panels into their flight path.

Alright, if you feel like your blood is actually moving of its own volition after this next test, don't panic. That's part of the test. We're going to inject a water elemental directly into your bloodstream. No idea what it'll do. Maybe you'll get some kind of crazy water-based magical powers. Or maybe all of your blood will rip right out of your body, and go on a rampage. But that almost never happens.

Viper-pit in the next dungeon can only be crossed utilising preservation of momentum. If rules of physics do not apply in your plane of existence, may god(s) help you.

>>14835971
The lab boys wanted me to follow up on that last test. The good news is: we found your blood. Well, most of it anyways. The bad news is that your blood has developed, well, a -bloodlust-. Stalking the halls. Killing test subjects.

If you -see- your blood, please inform an Aperture associate of its location, and then restrain the sample until a collection team can arrive.

rolled 66 = 66

Cave Johnson here,

Now, I know your asking "Cave, why are these traps so dangerous? What exactly was in that spellbook of a contract I signed?" Let me answer that question with another question! Who wants to make sixty gold!"

GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
ALL OF YOU!

>>14836288
>Legion

rolled 31 = 31

>>14836288
Magic isn't about why. It's about why not! Why is so much of our magic dangerous? Why not marry safe magic if you love it so much! If you loved safe-magic so much, why don't you make a magic safety door that doesn't hit you on the butt on the way out! Because you are fired!

Not you test subject, your fine.

Yes. You. Box. Your stuff. Out the front Door. Stable. Horse. Goodbye.

The wizards are wondering if this next test might be too hard for you. -I'm- wondering when their balls are going to drop. They're not adventurers, like you or me. They've never seen the glory of battle, felt the warm spatter of blood on their faces from the killing blow. I've -done- it though - and -you've- done it. And you'll do it again! For science!

So get in there, and kill that damn dragon, and cut out its heart! For science!

Oh good, my slowclap processor made it into this thing.

>>14833658
>>14836373
would go great together

Cave Johnson here.

This next test chamber is to test out our inertial dampening amulet. That's why we are going to be dropping boulders on you. Now don't you worry, the boys have assured me that the inertial dampeners will work this time, and reduce all the bludgeoning damage to nothing. If you successfully complete the challenge, we will proceed onto the High-Velocity-Low-Mass test.

Cave Johnson, I'm outa here

>>14836701
Cave Johnson here!

Congratulations on making it to the High-Velocity-Low-Mass test. See Caroline, I told you there wouldn't be any problem. The boys tell me that in theory, the inertial dampening amulet should prevent damage from a piercing weapon such as an arrow or ballista bolt. However, here at Aperature Trade Cartel, we spare no expense in our magical research. That's why I had the boys in the pointy hats supercharge a catapult spell to launch cone shaped adamantine slugs.

The boys at R&D tell me that the shield wasn't designed to withstand the velocities we were getting, so I made them test it out. Shows what they know, the amulet survived every time.

Cave Johnson, I'm outa here.

'Hah, I like your style! You make up your own rules, just like me. Robe-wearers told me I couldn't banish a devil just for being evil. Did it anyway. Summoning is expensive."

rolled 10, 8, 4, 4, 15 = 41

Damnit man string a sentence

By the gods, LET ME OUT! I WANT OUT! LET ME OUT! WHERE ARE THE BAKED GOODS?

Hello? Is anyone there?

Cave Johnson here.

I know what you must be thinking: "Cave, is this thread dead?" The answer is no. It's all part of the test. We had to let the thread die in order to reanimate it. Part of the rules. Can't bring back the -living-, after all. Not without killing them first.

On a related note, we're looking for volunteers for our continuing "reanimation" tests. The pay is good, and the process is simple.

Welp.

Explains all the Mantis Men I guess.

I can scry you.

>>14839068
Cave Johnson here!

Remeber when we said we were donig animations? Well the clerics didn't like raising some of the volunteers, and they left. But we need to get rid of the ones that turned into zombies. Before you enter this next test chamber, feel free to grab an Aperature Trade Cartel Rod-o-Positive-Enery. It channels as much energy as a cure-moderate-wounds spell, without running out of charges. Get to it, those zombies are not getting out like they did in Racoon City.

Cave Johnson, we're done here.

The next test involves Aperature Trade Cartel's patented Garbage Annihilation Sphere. Thought we'd have one in every home by the end of the year. Turns out it eats anything. We're going to need you to turn it off. Grab the Cancellation Rod and get to it. The robe-wearers tell me you might want to stand back when you do it though.

Cave Johnson here!
Dying isn’t a concern for Aperture Cartel, hell, it’s the basis of most of the science we do here. The main problem is the various astral embodiments of death who get their panties in a twist and try to disrupt our experiments, so the robe boys have been seeking out alternatives that don’t get all manners of clerics brandishing holy symbols bursting through our front door.

Unfortunately test subject, you’re not here to be made immortal. No sir, you my adventurer friend are already immortal through your valiant deeds and the many stories told about you! You’re here to get rid of one of our previous test subjects. Turns out some people just can’t handle having their immortal souls sealed inside a suit of armor. I hope you brought Adamantine weapons.

Cave Johnson, we’re done here.

"Some people say you see a bright light before you die. Don't worry, that's not what that light was. That light was to -blind- you. Temporarily. For science.

In this next test, you will be trying out our patent-pending 'Echolocation' enchantment. It should let you see using whatever sounds you make. That's what all the screaming is from.

Well, that, or it might just burn like hell.

Go get 'em, son!

Cave Johnson here. It's been brought to my attention that you've been stealing anything that's not physically nailed down. The boys in the robes wanted me to find a solution, and I have: Stop it. That's my stuff. You put it down, right now. I don't even know why you'd want most of that - it hasn't fully been tested yet!

Actually, scratch that. Take what you want. But we're going to start hitting you with animate object spells periodically from here on out.

Take care to avoid those statues, they’re Aperture Cartel property, and touch the mirrors, those things are damn expensive. Now, this test is a simple one, we’re attempting to see just how many mirrors it takes before a basilisk’s petrifying gaze is rendered useless. If you’re not part of the group for this test then make sure you keep your eyes closed throughout the maze of mirrors. Now for those who are- HEY! What did I say about those mirrors!

>>14841869
HEEEHEHEHEHEHEHE I'MA CUTYA TA RIBBONS!!!

Before you go into this next chamber, I have good news, and bad news.

The goods news is that the Insanity Mist in there is heavier than air.

The bad news is that we overfilled the chamber, so it's full of the stuff anyways.

Oh, and I guess it's also bad news that there's insanity mist in there at all. But you've probably figured that out by now.

Now, in this chamber we'll be testing our new Aperture Cartel Smoke Bombs. Now these aren't your fancy pansy little puff of smoke bombs no sirree, our smoke bombs have been enchanted with various spells that create smoke. Fog Cloud, Obscuring mist, Solid Fog, the classics, but we may have gotten a Cloud Kill mixed up in there... So if you start coughing up internal organs wave down a test associate and we'll begin to get the cloud out of there immediately.

This seems like a good idea to point out that we have a re-animation experiment going on a few chambers away, so if you want an extra 60 gold feel free to approach the test associate just before you start throwing smoke bombs around.

bamp

"This next test involves you, a potion of acid resistance, and a pool of acid. We're -pretty- sure we have the formula right this time, but just in case, I'd grab a pair of goggles."

Cave Johnson here!

You know, for a long time I thought that burning lemons were our crowning achievement here at Aperature Trade Cartel. Well, the boys in the pointy hats have outdone themselves this time. They claim they've managed to stuff a prismatic burst into the lemons now. I msut say, I'm quite eager for this next test.

In the test chamber ahead, you will find an amulet that will help in increase your concentration. Well, get to it, we don't have all day.

Cave Johnson, we're done here.

Dm notes:Amulet should increase player saves against prismatic effects

Cave Johnson here!
You may have felt a slight disturbance in the astral plane, as if something terrible has ripped through reality and emerged here. Don't worry, that's normal.
In unrelated news the next test is no longer about augmented summoning spells, but an experimental
take on improve diplomacy with denizens from another plane. Hope you brought Cold Iron.
Cave Johnson, we're done here.

Okay, for this next test, we've replaced one or more of you with doppelgangers. Don't know which ones. Could be none of you.

Point is: you need to figure out who they are, using only the tools provided to you: a pointed stick and a heavy rock.

Good luck.

>>14848151
what, no fruit? All I was trained to defend myself from was fruit.

alternatively

two sticks and as rock for the whole platoon, and we had to share the rock

For this next test, you're going to each need to take one of our 'anti-teleportation' potions... and a map. This baby already resists minor teleportation, so now we're going to be bombarding you with the -really powerful- stuff. See if you stick around. If you don't, we can't really say where you might end up. Hence the map.

Already thought of this...

party is captured by slavers, knocked unconscious, whatever.

Awaken in a dungeon. party is separated.

Dungeon belongs to an artificer demilich.

He proceeds to put them through a series of "trials" with new magical or alchemical items he has developed,

The real trick here is to come up with mechanics for really interesting D&D magic items that don't yet exist.

Bonus point - give items to the person who would find it the least helpful (give the wizard item to the fighter and vice-versa)

If you've cut yourself at all over the course of these tests you might have noticed that your blood has been replaced with pure alchemist's fire. That's normal. We've been shooting you with an invisible flesh-to-fire spell and that just means it's working.

If you need to go to the bathroom after this next series of tests, please let a test wizard know, because in all likelihood whatever comes out of you is going to be adamantine. Only temporary, so do not worry. If it persists for a week though start worrying and come see us because...that's not supposed to happen.

Just as a heads up we're going to have a wand of greater teleportation turned up full blast and pointed at you for the duration of this next test. I'll be honest, we're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks. No idea what it'll do. Probably nothing. Best case scenario, you might get the ability to teleport. Worse case an intellect devourer, which we'll banish.

How has this thread gone on so long with no mention of Deep Rot? It's perfect for this!

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/12936417/

http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/12939196/

It would be pretty awesome if someone who knows how, would archive this on 1d4chan

>>14852631
Already archived to suptg.
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/14827865

Already archived on suptg. Isn't 1d4chan more for, like, -projects-?

Though if someone collected all the Cave Johnson-isms, and put together The Caves of Cave Johnson, -that- could fit on 1d4chan, right?

Oh, link:
http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/14827865/